#(| c.verse: success is but a word in his vocabulary |)

[ashensolitude-blog]

                          The day the broken man felt again.

(:: C ┼ G ::)

        Goodbye, Christian. They were the words that echoed and continued to crash against his skull upon the stare he pressed upon the newly closed elevator doors, leaving him with nothing but the memory of the woman that had left behind them; how much time would he stay paralyzed?  A faithless man praying for the return of someone whose blue ocean of a stare had made something click either in his brain or in that metaphorical HEART everyone but he seemed to own; the one he always  i m a g i n e d  having, the one he always forbid himself from imagining having. Goodbye, Christian. Words that made a noose around his neck and stopped his breathing, words that punched wholly onto his stomach, nearly as hard as her pimp had done. 

        Goodbye.

                                   Goodbye.

                                                       Goodbye. 

        What did you do to me, Anastasia Steele? Came the soft question in his mind, barely even a whisper against the loud shouting of his past; of every and all emotions he had forbidden himself to feel, as if a dam broke down and the very ocean in her innocence’s eyes flowed down against his stomach, mind and sight. It angered him, even as his hand lifted, disgusted, to clean the moisture from his face, crying?, mindless upon that stare on the elevator doors. Please come back. For he had let MANY submissives go, sometimes even encouraged them to, and never once had he been left in such a…  v u l n e r a b l e  state. 

        Vulnerable. 

        Perhaps that was what he hated the most, what had made everything come crashing against his mind; for that feeling had been foreign to him since speech came back into his life…                     Sitting in the too big room, still scared of even speaking of his hunger,                     looking at the little baby girl PRESENTED to him in his new mommy’s                     cradled arms.     “ Mia. ”    Came the single word from his previously                     mute lips, bringing  t e a r s  to Dr. Travelyan-Grey’s eyes.   “ Yes,                      that’s right. This is Mia, your new sister. ”   …foreign since the very last night he saw the CRACKWHORE’S open eyes, mirroring a trapped storm inside the crystallized  t e m p e s t  of a broken snow globe…                     “ Mommy. ”    The  four  year  old’s  voice spoke again,    his middle                      hurting as much from hunger as the too-hard contact from the man’s                      boot before he left the place. His little arm bruised, the last cigarette                        burn stinging against the  fabric  of  his broken shirt as it stuck inside                      the open wound;  even his small hand, HURTING, as it was from the                      man’s stepping on it, reached for the   c o r p s e ’ s   cold arm, as if                      the contact alone would bring the woman back.                      The tears had dried,    regardless of his  continued  sobs;     after all,                      dehydration  prevented  tears  from  flowing anymore.   “ Mommy. ”                        He repeated,  fixing his blanky against her stomach, as if that alone                      were to make her no longer COLD,   “ Mommy. ”    As if he weren’t                      forever left  a l o n e. …foreign since he had forbidden any natural emotion from making him feel anything at all, lest he felt too much. 

        But there he was. VULNERABLE broken, silently crying, feeling his heart fall into his stomach for the very sadness, anger, disgust, and even  f e a r  that troubled his once emotionless mind. What did you do to me? He had forbidden it all from falling, he had refused to become the little helpless boy he had once been, he had taken onto Elena’s teachings like an armour to protect his mind from feeling even the anger that had gotten him into so much trouble as a teen. No anger, no sadness, no other feeling other than disgust onto himself over the monster he KNEW himself to be, and the vulnerable little boy he couldn’t help but have been. Hate for who he was inside, doubt over what people wanted from him, knowledge that only his outside beauty brought upon the many women he had  s u b d u e d,  and deserving of the punishments Elena Lincoln had introduced him to. Things he didn’t allow himself to think of, things he thought to be in the past, things he hated, things he had wanted to forget but had been unable to for the nightmares that reminded him of every single second of his miserable life. 

        Until Anastasia Steele had stumbled into his office and the heart he had frozen upon his teenage years THAWED and developed feelings over her innocence and virginity. What have you done to me?  Until his protection left her drunk and  u n t o u c h e d  on his hotel bed and refused to sleep on the couch, making it the first night without nightmares since he could remember. Anastasia. Until he broke every single one of his thought out rules and allowed himself the comfort he didn’t deserve by her side, sleeping beside her  ( thus, scaring away the nightmares, as if she were some magical human dreamcatcher ),  allowing her disobedience and liking her the more for it, enjoying their banter, feeling joy, laughter, GENUINELY, at her texts, emails, and pretty rolling eyes. You asked this of me. Until he let her into the private means of the life he had  f o r b i d d e n  himself to speak about and only forced her comfort onto a blanket he did not think he deserved. Until, suddenly, every single feeling he had been holding back, every single emotion he had forbidden, came tumbling down against his chest in a manner in which the only thing that remained was his frozen body in front of closed elevator doors and his silent and hateful tears flowing down his cheeks. 

        He was done; he was FINISHED; he was fucked. 

        What have you done to me? 

        He was  h u m a n.

-[ ◘ ]-

[ashensolitude-a-blog]

[ @heartpoisoned liked the thing ]

(:: C ┼ G ::)

        It was truly nothing but a gaze he couldn’t help; much less explain even to himself. Curiosity, perhaps, like a child; like the child he never really was allowed to be  ( not that he didn’t have Dr. Grace Trevelyan-Grey to thank for what little bit of childhood he had had, mind you, but, well, his PAST... Don’t go there, Grey, he scolded within ),  let alone would allow himself to show to the world existed at all within himself; in fact, what little  b e w i l d e r m e n t  formed within his erratic mind he forbade to show as anything more than the annoyance that cursed within his veins whenever any short form of control escaped from the tips of his self-thought monstruous fingertips.   “ What the hell is this, then? ”   He wondered out loud, more for the benefit of the other than his own; so that, perhaps, they would find the previous silence as the hint of encouragement needed to explain, more so than the query itself became. 

-[ ◘ ]-

[ashensolitude-blog]

Canon: Christian Grey

NAME: CHRISTIAN TRAVELYAN GREY AGE: 28 FANDOM: FIFTY SHADES BOOK SERIES SPECIES: HUMAN PREVIOUSLY: N/A BLOG LETTER: C, FOR CHRISTIAN.

Entirely canon to the books, not the movies, Christian Grey is a troubled, traumatised, abused man who has taken onto the self-thought pleasures of S&M to fight against the horrors of his past. He is a self-loathing man who hides it well through success, money, lack of emotion,   &  violent sex, until he meets Anastasia Steele, a highly self-degrading innocent   &   NAIVE girl who brings light into his life,   &   a healthier call/reason for the S&M, which he continues to enjoy, now,  o n l y  with her.

Tag drop.

[ashensolitude-a-blog]

Adding - Canon: Christian Grey

NAME: CHRISTIAN TRAVELYAN GREY AGE: 28 FANDOM: FIFTY SHADES OF GREY  ( BOOKS )  SPECIES: HUMAN PREVIOUSLY: N/A BLOG LETTER: C, FOR CHRISTIAN.

Entirely canon to the books, not the movies, Christian Grey is a troubled, traumatised, abused man who has taken onto the self-thought pleasures of S&M to fight against the horrors of his past. He is a self-loathing man who hides it well through success, money, lack of emotion,   &   violent sex, until he meets Anastasia Steele, a highly self-degrading innocent   &   NAIVE girl who brings light into his life,   &   a healthier call/reason for the S&M, which he continues to enjoy, now,  o n l y  with her. 

Tag drop.