#( luna is just >:3 today? is abt me )

[alicornae]

[lunaz-virtual-diary]

entry # 4

aaaauh I passed out !! sorry !! but I just woke up !! ໒꒰ྀི ꩜ ᯅ ꩜; ꒱ྀི১

I got up wayy earlier today!! I cleaned up the kittenz' playpen, cleaned my room, etc. I wanted to draw but I didn't really have the time. I also haven't done any school this week... haha.... I'll work on it tomorrow I've gotta promise myself that! the class I have rn is geography!.. which I hate! i suck at geography (꒪⌓꒪)

but everythin will be oki! i dont really have to try really hard 4 independent study... i mean... all the answers r online n i am 100% takin advantage of that >:3c I might've made a new friend today! I don't know if he knows about this blog. but if ur readin this, haii!! ૮꒰ྀི⊃´ ꒳ `⊂ྀི꒱ა a lotta ppl have been sendin me asks recently! m rlly happi abt that I LOVEEEE talkin about myself ૮꒰ ྀི >⸝⸝⸝< ྀི꒱ა which is why I made this blog mostly!! I hate always wantin attention n cravin it n i cant tell if ma ego is talkin or if smth is actually fucked up! :c I h8 havin such demonized disorderz like bpd n npd. ppl h8 u 4 them even tho ur the one strugglin da most becuz of it!! I know sometimez I can be n azzhole n i can be self centered n mean but im not tryin to be i can promise u that! I wish I could cleanse ma mind of all of this stuffs n be a pure lil kind angel! thatz what i try to do but it ends n me havin huge breakdownz

like 4 example the night b4 tonight! I bwoke down n felt suwicidal n almost relapsed bc i felt like such a disgustin human bein 4 always puttin up a front 4 my own satisfaction + 4 ppl 2 like me! but itz oki! itz not ma fault i deal w all of thiz. its just a defense mechanism ma brain made to prevent me from bein hurt! it just... does the opposite a lot of the time...

m doin wayy better now tho!! my bendy helped me thru it, same w all of ma other family/friendz! kittenz make everythin better :3 m a lil nervous abt makin this new frien becuz m not the best w friendship stuff... i have a rlly hard time keepin friens! but i dun wanna be like dat...

ma new frien brought up da ug sub community w me actually! m glad sum1 haz da same thoughtz on that. there are sum thingz m too scared to tell friens outside of ma dr onez! i heard dat "if it keeps u happy, keep it to urself". i wuldnt say it rlly 'keepz me happi' but im vulnerable abt it... so i probably shouldnt share!! luna cannot n will not be hurt eva again !! ( >д<)

[starrycrim]

Ace for the thing? curious to see what u have to say abt them 👀

yessum! and I apologize in advance </3

sexuality headcanon: asexual, omnisexual/pansexual!

gender headcanon: amab, nonbinary, they/them!

a ship I have with said character: I have a few! (sorry). the primary one I enjoy is Royalcourtshipping (Taka/Ace) because I'm somft for them- they just really compliment each other (also red/blue chara pairings....) both in personality and behavior, and their interactions ingame are so . fruity. I love complimentary characters who balance each other out and support each other’s strengths and help them overcome their weaknesses.

another one I've been really growing to enjoy as mentioned before is Ace/Adrienn! they're really sweet to me and I think they're actually pretty similar in terms of their goals and what's important to them. I also really love Ace/MC as well. they’re the same age as the age that I headcanon the MC at (I project onto my characters, so I imagine the MCs in the 21-23 range), and there's one heck of a complex arc there that leads into MC being one of the few people they feel comfortable being vulnerable with postgame, and it's very sweet. they're just a big sweetheart and super thoughtful that I think they'd be a really fun character to OC ship with.

a BROTP I have with said character: haha where do I begin,,,,, I have a few ones! I've mentioned Aya/Ace being super important to me before-- I feel like Ace is someone to really go out of their way for others to bend the rules and use the little power they have within Meteor to make her more comfortable even if it might come at a cost to them-- i.e., the fact that they get stripped of their position ingame for going out of the way for someone. (I think a lot about how we briefly considered them getting demoted again after the Sanctum for saving Luna and defying Elias.)

I also really care them and Noel being friends, along with the other orphanage kids! I think they'd be really good with kids, and they're really similar to Noel, what with being overshadowed and dismissed by family leading into who they are today. they take him out for ice cream and tell him he's important and valued, and they have pastel rainbow solidarity together.

a NOTP I have with said character: don't have one! all ships I've seen with them are top tier. they're fun to ship with.

a random headcanon: there are Many but I'll try and find some favs. they enjoy presenting in diff binaries on diff days, and they're comfortable with their appearance being pretty fluid. they already wear earrings and I think they'd love stereotypically "feminine" stuff like nail polish, eyeshadow or eyeliner, heels or heeled boots, maybe dresses if they felt cute in it-- stuff like that!

despite being pretty outwardly confident, they're a total gay panic disaster when it comes to any sort of romance or flirting-- they fluster easily and get all blushy and embarrassed although it secretly makes them really happy. they're pretty touch starved but also hyper respectful of boundaries-- I just think the concept of someone who's super eloquent normally just tripping over themself and getting flustered when someone flirts with them is a really cute trope.

they're pretty smol compared to everyone else in Meteor. Taka and Solaris are both Very tall (6'0+ range, but Taka slouches a bit) so they're (5'8") short in comparison. most other people in Meteor are taller than them, so they try and make sure that their hat is counted in their height whenever they compare with others. they're still shorter even with it.

general opinion over said character: ougughhhghgh. if it was not evident by how much I talk about them (sorry again) they're my fav <3 they take up lots of space in my head and I think they're so interesting-- they're one of the most complex and interesting charas in the cast to me, and I wish we had more of them (but that's why I write and draw! >:3). characters that are like. very deeply hurt and traumatized but try and cover that up with a smile because others deserve the kindness that they never got is Such a trope weakness of mine. they're so kind and friendly, and such a fun character and I love their aesthetic and design and personality. they're really fun for me to write too because of how perceptive they are -- they subvert a lot of things you'd expect from a goofy jester-type character-- they're really emotionally intelligent and extremely good at reading people and will absolutely go out of their way to support the people they care about in times of need even at their own expense. i will draw them until i am sick of them <3 dearly beloved

[mybedroomceilingsbored]

screw it why not??

🐰- do you believe in soul mates? mmhm, definitely!

💌- diary or journal? BOTH please. more diary i think, though?

✨- which fictional character (book, show, or movie) do you relate to most? probably luna lovegood, ever since elementary school haha!

💕- are you crushing on someone? ..sorta?

💋- kissing in the dark or kissing in the rain? rain kisses :)

🐝- describe your aesthetic in emojis 🍄🍀🍂☕️🎶🩰🫶

🍼- what is your favorite memory? going to the bookstore with my best friend, sitting on the floor together just reading snippets and synopses to each other <3

🌸- what is your favorite flower? lily-of-the-valley!

💖- have you ever been in love? it's complicated-maybe?

🍰- strawberry or vanilla? strawberry

🍯- describe your favorite smell lilacs and wet grass

🎂- if you had 3 wishes, what would they be? full-ride scholarships for both undergrad and medical degrees, opportunities to meet my online friends, and cavetown concert tickets!

🍪- cookie dough or cookies? cookies

☕- coffee or tea? TEA 100%

🍃- would you rather live in a sea with mermaids or a forest with fairies? definitely a fairy forest!

🍂- what’s your middle name? it's Christine lol (doesn't fit me very well, but my mom loves the name)

💫- what is your sun, moon, and rising sign? pisces sun, pisces moon, scorpio rising :)

🌧️- favorite thing to do on rainy days? crochet and listen to music

🍭- how tall are you? 5'2"

💒- which show would you want to live in? probably heartstopper

🎄- what is your favorite holiday? halloween i think

🍦- what scented candle is your favorite? spiced pumpkin

🎶- favorite song right now? christmas morning by luz (out of season ik, but it's SO gorgeous and so poetic)

💘- 3 ways to win your heart? text me just to say hi, sing to me, rant to me about something you really love

🍩- current mood? kinda lonely & kinda tired tbh

❄️- what is your favorite season? fall <3

💍- your current relationship status? singleee!

📷- a photo of yourself nope

💅🏻- do you like being spoiled? i'm used to being the one doing the spoiling-i guess it wouldn't be so bad, but it'd be hard for me to get comfortable with it.

🕊️- 3 habits you have? tapping my hands/feet along with my music, pacing, rambling

🦄- how do you perceive yourself? very awkward but SUPER affectionate and relatively outgoing, mood swings that only really show when i'm comfortable, and ALWAYS moving/fidgeting/dancing

🦋- how do you think others perceive you? depends on how comfortable i am with the person :) very hyper/rambly with my close friends, and kinda quiet, awkward, and standoffish with people i don't know well.

🌈- things I find attractive in girls/guys freckles/dimples, a nice laugh (i LOVE snorty laughs, they're the cutest things), strong hands, being a singer/dancer/actor/artist/musician

🍓- one secret about yourself i talk to myself (out loud) pretty frequently-a lot of the time i don't even realize i'm doing it. i do my best to keep it under control in public, but it can get pretty embarrassing when people find out.

🍒- how do you act when you have a crush? sometimes kinda flustered-usually i just won't shut up about them/leave them alone lol

💔- the reason behind your last breakup? n/a. i'm a closeted gay girl from a small conservative town, bffr

💬- what your last text message says? a text to my mom about church earlier today (it has the name of the church and pastor in it, so i'm not typing it out)

🎥- what show are you currently binging on? tma :)

⛅- what is your morning routine? roll out of bed, get dressed, brush teeth/comb hair/mascara, grab a mug of tea if i have time

💗- who do you miss? a few of my friends who i haven't seen since school ended

🥀- last time you cried? i don't remember tbh. a few days ago

🎁- when is your birthday? mid-march

🔪- scariest/creepiest experience? ~2 years ago, my family was staying in an airbnb that was honestly probably haunted. that house was SOO off, i honestly don't know what to say abt it

💤- date someone younger, older, or same age as you? same age-ish

🎀- any question you want monthly top 5 spotify artists? cavetown, hozier, billie eilish, maneskin, and wallows, thanks for asking :3

sweet and pure asks

🐰- do you believe in soul mates?

💌- diary or journal?

✨- which fictional character (book, show, or movie) do you relate to most?

💕- are you crushing on someone?

💋- kissing in the dark or kissing in the rain?

🐝- describe your aesthetic in emojis

🍼- what is your favorite memory?

🌸- what is your favorite flower?

💖- have you ever been in love?

🍰- strawberry or vanilla?

🍯- describe your favorite smell

���- if you had 3 wishes, what would they be?

🍪- cookie dough or cookies?

☕- coffee or tea?

🍃- would you rather live in a sea with mermaids or a forest with fairies?

🍂- what’s your middle name?

💫- what is your sun, moon, and rising sign?

🌧️- favorite thing to do on rainy days?

🍭- how tall are you?

💒- which show would you want to live in?

🎄- what is your favorite holiday?

🍦- what scented candle is your favorite?

🎶- favorite song right now?

💘- 3 ways to win your heart?

🍩- current mood?

❄️- what is your favorite season?

💍- your current relationship status?

📷- a photo of yourself

💅🏻- do you like being spoiled?

🕊️- 3 habits you have?

🦄- how do you perceive yourself?

🦋- how do you think others perceive you?

🌈- things I find attractive in girls/guys

🍓- one secret about yourself

🍒- how do you act when you have a crush?

💔- the reason behind your last breakup?

💬- what your last text message says?

🎥- what show are you currently binging on?

⛅- what is your morning routine?

💗- who do you miss?

🥀- last time you cried?

🎁- when is your birthday?

🔪- scariest/creepiest experience?

💤- date someone younger, older, or same age as you?

🎀- any question you want

~~Not mine

[nieloxychen]

Ich habe 3.883 Mal im Jahr 2022 etwas gepostet

Das sind 1.026 more posts als 2021!

318 Einträge erstellt (8%)

3.565 Einträge gerebloggt (92%)

Blogs, die ich am häufigsten gerebloggt habe:

@nedsseveredhead

@autpunk-arsonist

@baddminton

@nuclearsludge

@gayrab

Ich habe 601 meiner Einträge im Jahr 2022 getaggt

#loxys art – 42 Einträge

#fave – 36 Einträge

#c: kai – 28 Einträge

#loxys ocs – 26 Einträge

#c: booster – 25 Einträge

#c: sticks – 13 Einträge

#c: six – 11 Einträge

#c: aurora – 10 Einträge

#insects – 8 Einträge

#long post – 7 Einträge

Longest Tag: 140 characters

#you mean the guy who went to them like 'hi im a stranger not dalsih ew and youre wrong abt everything you hold dear i saw it in my dreams :)

Meine Top-Einträge im Jahr 2022:

#5

so either encanto takes place in an alternate dimension where ultrasound was widely available much earlier (very possible, theres magic and its disney)

there are alternate ways of figuring out youre carrying triplets (also very possible, im not well versed in the ways of pregnancy)

or the madrigal triplets were born in the 1970s at earliest. bc thats when ultrasound technology became common in british hospitals and moved to us hospitals as well. i tried to find an estimate when it became more available in colombia but couldnt find anything but!! how else would alma know shes pregnant with triplets?

which would mean the movie takes place in 2020 at earliest

27 Anmerkungen – Gepostet 9. Januar 2022

#4

30 Anmerkungen – Gepostet 13. März 2022

#3

had a few unexpected expenses this month now im in the red and theres still one more bill incoming...

could use some help so if you send me a tip on ko-fi ill draw you sth owo

just send me a message ✌💕

34 Anmerkungen – Gepostet 27. Mai 2022

#2

pov: youre petting luna and she loves you

34 Anmerkungen – Gepostet 18. Februar 2022

Meine #1 des Jahres 2022

i was reminded of cloudsnap and honestly i cant believe i forgot them???? so as penitence have my take on their design :D

theyre really background so info is not really clear, but i remember the drama abt their name after what happened w swankit :( 

mistystar: ill name you snap! cloudsnap: ... mistystar: you know, like how your sisters neck was snapped? cloudsnap: ......

tbh im not surprised they were a dark forest trainee lmao but im glad they got to starclan later!

51 Anmerkungen – Gepostet 20. Januar 2022

Hol dir deinen Tumblr-Jahresrückblick 2022 →

[blysse-and-blunder]

in lieu of a break

10pm, sept 25, 2022

the title is a lie, today and yesterday have both been breaks in their own ways! but the days do start coming and they really don't stop coming, do they. kay @girlfriendsofthegalaxy did a really nice couple of posts not long ago explaining the Theory of her tuesdayposts, to which i have only to add that-- i think for me these are turning into a steam valve, where i let out whatever is happening in my head that has built up over the past little while; they are analytical or creative endeavors in their own way, sometimes, but i mainly write them for myself and my own recall (so that i can go back and check out what i wrote about first watching the untamed, for example, please see iclb 2 or 3 from way back), and to keep track of my days. which is going to mean they aren't Reviews or really Criticism, though i may dabble in both, and any enjoyment or enlightenment anyone else gets out of reading these is incidental. for this one, it's a real head empty no thoughts list of titles, so hold on to your butts let's go.

reading the big mention here is that i just finished susanna clarke's piranesi, which i didn't know how to feel about until like 30% of the way in, and then began to enjoy quite a bit as the whole conceit became clearer, and then found...melancholy but beautiful by the end. honorable mentions over the past mumblemumble weeks to (checks storygraph): squire by tamora pierce (reread), ancillary justice by ann leckie (also a reread); the raven tower (not a reread, also by ann leckie--though i still haven't finished it); and the duchess romance which i did finish mostly out of morbid curiosity.

watching strangely this will be the largest section for once! the escapism has been strong lately-- and there have been many excellent movie and tv show friendship opportunities. in reverse order, i have now seen two episodes of the new netflix bee and puppycat and find it delightful if inscrutable; i have now seen two episodes of the second season of fate: a winx saga also on netflix which i found less delightful, even more inscrutable (since i hadn't seen the first season or the previous show, lmao) but extremely funny to watch alongside more deeply invested jammies; i have now seen the first three episodes of andor and found diego luna as charming as ever; i have now seen the prestige (2006) and it did lodge in my brain in the way only very rare movies do; i have now seen the newest three (?) episodes of star trek: lower decks and did think the most recent one with the recruiting booth and the rutherford memories plotline to be incredible star trek and some of the best lower deck stuff yet; i did make my housemates watch a double-feature of the princess diaries (2001) and the princess diaries 2: royal engagement (2004), which were extremely fun and also wild opportunities for early- oughts media criticism and an in-depth examination of the portrayal of hereditary monarchy (and on the heels of qe 2's death, no less);

i FINALLY took advantage of living where i do to get to a festival screening of a film during the actual festival and have now seen catherine called birdy (2022) on the big screen (it'll be out on prime soon) which i genuinely enjoyed as a huge fan of the book and despite my feelings abt lenaham herself-- bella ramsey was perfect, andrew scott and billie piper didn't disappoint, and i could go into excessive detail about what i liked and didn't like as a medievalist but the takeaway here was 'way better than i expected, yes even that part'; *breath* AND i have now seen true grit (2010) and had some more thoughts about tragedy/catharsis/the fragility of human life. i have, as they say, the range.

huh--that's an interesting commonality i hadn't considered before, the number of 14-year-old girl protagonists in this list-- can you even imagine maddie true grit, mia from the first diaries film, and catherine birdy in a room together.

listening checked out rina sawayama's new album hold the girl (2022) and will drop in the video for the title track here. as with her other stuff, i really like her voice, her timber/range/etc seems really rich and pleasing to me, and then there'll be just...something about a song's production or whatever that turns me off of it. in this particular song, the lyrics are what got me to listen, and then the melody and her delivery next-- but i continue to be irritated by whatever spice girls pop production beat-track kicks in at like 0:27ish. this is the part of me that prefers rock to hip hop i guess, like! just commit to a drumbeat and channel the power / grandiosity from everywhere else in the song into its rhythm! is this a genre thing? is this because she's aiming for 'dance' music? ugh.

playing mostly stardew, but not as much as over the summer, now that i'm back in term time. i think i have noticed a pattern, which is that i feel the same way about trying to complete a timed errand or request in stardew that i do about trying to finish a libby ebook on time; in both cases, the deadline helps me prioritize but doesn't help me plan ahead really, and the consistent feeling of struggle just to fall short (missed gus's omelette by one egg because i didn't THINK and of course had already given him 23 other eggs so those were all forfeit) at the last minute is. hm. disappointing. keeps me coming back to try again and see if i can get it the next time though, that it does.

making made some drop-biscuits yesterday which were rich and pretty good despite not having any attempt at layers; did some mending on wednesday during dnd which was mostly not successful but did keep my hands busy (and will be the groundwork for Actually patching those leggings when i can get the sewing machine); and have now helped my housemates do some seriously refreshing furniture-and-clutter rearranging. also i opened a word doc and now have a few dozen words of creative fiction? which i keep thinking about even as getting back into it seems more and more daunting? it turns out writing for no one but yourself can be fun, wacky and wild huh.

working on this week was a turning point, in that i found reason (and was given permission) to basically abandon the direction i'd been going in all summer, in favor of working on my second chapter and coming back to the other stuff when things are a little clearer. this feels like the right call, and i hope i don't waste the reset it offers me. it does mean that i am i think officially in violation of the pact i made with @witcheryen this summer, since the writing i'd pledged to do is now...going to happen in the spring maybe? please let me know when and if you'd like to exact the agreed-upon penalties, eek. headed to a conference in a little more than a week (!), just finished coming up with a vague direction and pitch for the talk i'm giving to my on-campus research community in exactly a month (!!), and won't see my supervisor in person again until june probably. this does all explain the manic tv / movie watching up above, doesn't it. apparently i need to work on having an 'all or nothing' approach to my days, thank you @ therapist dana.

[soobnny]

I saw someone doing this in my dash and now I need to send a similar ask to you, whoops.

I dare you to pair some of you mutuals with idols, not necessarily ship them, but which mutuals makes you think of which idol??

-🐳 (not sure if there's a whale anon)

oh em Jay let’s gaur !! i’ve been tagged in this a few times so it’s only appropriate that it’s my turn ^_^

@amakumos - yun and riki troublemaker duo 🤟 note: do NOT eat whatever food or drink they try to give U . i see a lot of pranks and giggling among each other in this cute little duo

@jalnandanz - it’s usually heejake ofc but today i will pick heeseung 💗💗💗 just bc we had a conversation on twitter abt second lead heeseung saur now i decide that ur pairing is best friends to lovers but u n jake end up together #yas #angst #HeeseungHeartbroken

@jungwoniics - lia and wonie !! i associate u w wonie bc of ur username and ur layout as well :] specifically blue haired jungwon yasss

@iyeonjuni - cici and user yawnzzn every time yeonjun posts on insta im just like … has cici seen this already 😍 cici and yeonjun would be the bickering parents of a friend group #notresponsible tho they will join the chaos saur

@fairybinie - val and sookai sawry guys it’s gonna Have to be a trio like imagine this: val and kai causing trouble and soobin taking the Fall bc everyone’s like oh em Jay responsible leader soobin it’s ok we will let val and kai off the hook !!

@hakuyeo - yeo and riki SLAYYY i think it’s bc again the layout im pr sure ive just like Associated yeo with riki bc of it

@sqnwo - SUNGHOON idk why im sawry i had a reasoning it’s sunghoon pfp but ur pfp is jungwon … but i yelled sunghoon when i saw ur user bffie maybe it’s bc i knew u starting twitch rivals era <3

@heelvsme - jake and nini just becos of my silly little cupid service n ur discord pfp is also jake 🤨 … giving me very late night adventures together

@ja4hyvn - i was ltrly gonna say kenma n then i was like 🤣🤣🤣 wait a MIN! that’s not an idol! hmmmm maybe chae 4 now just becos of ur twt pfp we were matching but my twt rn is yeji yas slay

@kissuzies - heeseung as of late becos u were screaming at me over my heeseung fic #apology nicha and heeseung type of duo to sleep at ungodly hours bc i said so !!!

@prettywon - riki and that’s on forget me not smau SLAYYYY

@lunarxsun - YUNA im sorry ur names rhyme and yuna always just pops in my head yas #yuna and luna bffs forever

@one16core - sunoo and cai the most slayful people ever basically … also bc of guess who LIKE ur reactions r my fav and i just think ur dynamic w sunoo would be so funny like yall will actually slay everyone

@floverful - jungwon : ( jungwon pfp and ure just so nice always telling me to take care of myself n im just SOBBING reminds me so much of jungwon

@lunaflvms - very wonyoung slay idk sometimes i feel like im talking to wonyoung #DUO i think u two would be the rly mischievous duo as well n yall would def like do silly fashion sprees getting random clothes n trying to make it look good

@iwonzzi - JAY idk why again im just crazy when i thought of U i just kind of went yas jay exactly n im right 😻😻

i’m sorry if i missed a lot of people i just top of my head !!! i hope y’all enjoy this 😜💗💗💗

[serowotonin]

LiPS𝐓1CK St4𝐈NS ! (💋)

❝ having lipstick and giving him a kiss and he doesn't realize he has it on his face until his teammates are all like 0-0 ❞ — @/luna-in-luv

++ fem!reader x oikawa, kuroo

| wc. 1.3k 

| note. djslsdf it took so long to edit this post T-T,,,,, when ur indecisive af and can’t decide on a post format :D anyways just wanna say reblogs are greatly appreciated and i hope u guys like this<3

( ➷ ); ― OiK4WA

another day of school, another day of.. well, another day of boredom

you had to admit though, school had become a lot more fun since you and oikawa got together;)

altho you were in different classes, you’d still pass each other in hallways and see each other during breaks

and ofc every interaction, no matter how small, definitely made your day brighter

the smaller interactions consisted mainly of random head pats as he walks pass by, or a smirk and a wink whenever you two make eye contact 

when there weren’t as many people around,,, maybe a hug or a kiss if either of you felt like it

and very rarely.. 

a makeout session in an empty classroom or staircase

its rare but it does happen

and it was happening… right now

school ended about half an hour ago and everyone either left or went to do their club activities 

which was what oikawa should probably be doing too,, but today he just “felt like going in a little later”

and so there you two were, in the dark corner of an abandoned classroom grasping at the other as if you haven’t seen them in years

idk how to describe a steamy makeout sesh okkk

anyways,, after about 6 ignored calls from iwaizumi tho.. you two figured it was probably time for him to go to practice

you two straightened yourselves out; cleared the ruffles from your uniforms, tidied your hair, etc.

oikawa texted iwa that he was on his way while you touched up your makeup

“you gonna walk me to practice?”

“of course,” you smiled. “altho i have my own club activities today too so i can’t stay and watch :( ”

“dont worry babe,,, just walking me there is enough” he replied with a grin

then he slung an arm over your shoulder and the two of you walked out of the classroom as if nothing happened

as you neared the entrance of the gym, you slowed to a stop and tugged at oikawa’s shirt

he turned and you leaned to give him a kiss on the cheek

“good luck with practice” you said before giving him a small wave and walking off

did you see the dark mark your lipstick left on his cheek?

yes.

were you going to say anything about it?

well,,,, you already turned to walk away and oikawa was already entering the gym

so no.

anyways,, as oikawa entered the gym, the first thing he saw was his beloved iwa-chan

looking not very happy

oikawa waved sheepishly as he turned his head to the side to look at where everyone else was

this for some reason made iwaizumi look even more not happy

makki and mattsun then walked over and snickered upon seeing oikawa

“ah was y/n here? why didn’t you invite her to watch hmm?~” makki teased

“she’s got club activities too you know..”

smh

they probably realize oikawa doesnt know bout the kiss mark

the three of them were just staring at oikawa like (￢_￢;)

and oikawa's just standing there like (◕‿◕)?

“can we go practice now..?” 

iwa: (￣︿￣) “wipe that stupid mark off your cheek”

huh? mark? he was pretty sure he wiped off any evidence from ahem what was happening earlier…

at this point some of the younger members started staring at them

and oikawa spotted them out of the corner of his eye and could practically feel the awkwardness in their gazes

he put a hand on the cheek everyone was staring at and removed it to see the same color that painted your lips

oh...

a slow smile spread on his lips at the realization of what you did

he laughed to himself

‘she’s gonna be the death of me..’

and with that he wiped off the remnants of your lipstick and hurried over to start practice

later tho, he asks you to kiss him again wearing that lipstick

and you do

and he snaps a selfie,,, which is now his phone wallpaper ;3

( ❣︎ ); ― KUR0O

today, you’re boyfriend, the one and only Kuroo Tetsurou, had a volleyball match

and ofc being the amazing, supportive gf you were, you were present in the stands, cheering him on

you didn’t get to meet or even talk to him before the match started, save for a few quick texts 

so when he came on to the court for warm up and spotted you in the crowd,,,

he gave a cheeky wink and wave

you could practically feel the confidence roll off him in waves but you knew, deep down, he was the tiniest bit nervous too

afterall, the opponents weren’t a weak team by any standard

they were strong and known for their relentless attacks

which were put to display almost immediately after the game started

nekoma held on though, and managed to put in a few attacks of their own to level the game

you could see the hard work behind each of the members’ skills, having witnessed a lot of it yourself

it was most clear in kuroo tho

and as he jumped to block another spike, you were on the edge of your seat

the boys just needed one more point… which came when kuroo shut down the last spike

you and the rest of the people in the stands around you erupted into cheers

and as they were leaving the court, you ran to steal kuroo away for a more personal cheer

the two of you walked the halls of the stadium talking abt the game

you were gushing about this block and that and he was smiling at your gushing cuz damn was his y/n cute 

N E WAYSSS,,, he received a text from kenma saying that they were all waiting for him at the bus

“i should go.. don’t wanna keep them waiting long”

“yeah.. you should”

before he could move tho, you tiptoed and placed a big fat kiss on his cheek

you swear you saw a blush on those cheeks as you backed down

he grinned and gave you a kiss of his own on your forehead before saying bye and running off

as he did, you realized you forgot to mention the lip-shaped mark on his cheek 

oops… its too late now ┐(︶▽︶)┌

anyway,, kuroo arrives all smiles to where the team are waiting 

and make no mistake they all CLEARLY see evidence of ur “little” kiss from back there

they just kinda,,,, don’t say anything at first?

kenma rolled his eyes and went back to doing whatever on his phone

yaku glared at it out of spite or some similar emotion

the others just choose to ignore mainly cuz they assume kuroo already knows and chose to keep it there

to them its just kuroo being a cheesy mf who was rubbing the non-single life in their faces or smth

ofc he has no idea tho

which just makes it all the more better when lev says

“y/n has nice lipstick”

and kuroo’s just like wtf ?? whatcha goin on bout my gf’s lipstick hUH

and he says that.. or something similar at least

and lev just points to his cheek like

“duhh i can see it right there”

he grabs his phone, opens the front facing camera, and is met with the outline of your lips on his cheek

and thats when he obviously started blushing

but then he just kind of smirked once he realized you knew about the mark

when yaku sees the smirk he went “OMFG JUST WIPE IT OFF ALREADY !! WE GET IT !! YOU ARENT SINGLE YOU GET KISSES STFU”

not like that but practically exactly what he was trying to say anyway

tbh kuroo’s a little reluctant to rub it off cuz idk,, he likes it ?? 

but he does anyway cuz they were still in public and there were teachers who were gonna come soon and all the other reasons

once hes comfortably seated in the bus tho, with a clean cheek, he sends u several texts

‘ saw that gift you left on my cheek… ’

‘ wouldn’t mind if u gave me more tmr afterschool ;) ’

| taglist. @lilikags @luna-in-luv ... send an ask if u wanna be added !!~

[wreckofawriter]

Can't Forget, Won't Forgive

Pairing: Draco Malfoy x Reader [post war]

Word Count: 3,420 (nice)

Warnings: Swearing, drinking, mentions of depression and anxiety, slight PTSD, a bit angst with fluffy ending

Request: @perfectlyimperfectcrystal: Can you make Draco x oc post war fic?

Summary: Four years after a war that she believed ruined her life reader is forced to reenter her past for a party with an unexpected guest [Reader is abt 22, 23 Draco is 21]

A/n: I ligit re wrote this three time, I could not figure out what to do and eveything I wrote was cringy as fuck, I'm so sorry this took forever, I'm hopping to finish up a few old requests soon. Love u all <3

    Your heart seized in your chest. Everything in you was begging your legs to turn and run. You bit harshly on your lip, this was a bad idea, teeth sunk into flesh and you tasted blood. A really bad idea. The grip on your small gift bag tightened. You could turn around right now and no one would know. You felt like throwing up, were you panicking again? You couldn't tell your chest felt too tight. You could text Harry and tell him you were sick. It would be fine. You don’t have to. 

    You turned on your heels, tears nearly springing into your eyes as you opened the door to your car. You slammed it shut gripping the steering wheel and leaning your forehead on its center. Sobs stung your eyes as your knuckles went white. You felt so weak, this wasn't you, you had fought death eaters, saved hundreds, survived torture, killed people. Now you were crying in a 1998 Corolla because you were too scared to go into a house full of nothing but old friends? It was pathetic. 

    Your teeth found your already raw bottom lip, you sucked in a breath and released it. You could do this. You snatched the paper bag beside, left the safety of your car, sprinted up the porch steps and knocked three times before you could change your own mind. 

    You could hear shuffling inside before the door was flung open and you were greeted by a freckled red-head. 

    “Y/N!” George shouted, “We were beginning to think you wouldn’t show!” 

    “I guess I’m fashionably late.” You laughed awkwardly cringing at your own words. 

    The twin just chuckled, “Come in, we’ve got tons of food and even more alcohol because ya know were actually old enough to drink now.” He laughed dragging you inside. 

    You giggled your heartbeat slowing, “I missed you, George.” 

    “I missed you too kitty.” He answered by pulling you into a hug. You welcomed it, heart throbbing at the nickname his late brother had given you. 

    You followed the man into the house which was already crowded with people. What else could you expect of an engagement party of the Boy Who Lived? Although you were sure Hermione planned it. You ran into Ginny and made small talk, looking at the ring and congratulating her on her wins in quidditch. Harry then stole her away after a quick greeting explaining something about Seamus breaking a pool cue. 

    You were suddenly left alone, you took a deep breath. You decide a drink would be best, a beer or two would do miracles for your nerves. You found the kitchen surprisingly empty, you opened the fridge grabbing a beer. You glanced around for an opener but opted for a small knife in the block to your left. You popped it open and took a sip, the cold liquid giving you a warm sensation.

You hopped up onto the counter glancing out of the door and watching as George arm-wrestled Ron over a coffee table. 

You snorted as the elder smashed the others arm down leaping to his feet and letting out a cry of victory. It still hurt a bit to look at him. Fred was so similar. But you would never let him know that you were sure he knew well enough himself.

You turned as you heard footsteps approach and your breath caught in your throat. Your eyes locked with deep grey as your heart stopped beating.

"Oh um hey y/n.," Draco spoke his hand scratching at the back of his neck. 

You had heard that your life flashed before your eyes when you were about to die. You thought it couldn't be much different than the memories you had worked very hard to bury that flashed through you as you stared at the platinum blonde in front of you. 

"What the fuck are you doing here?" You hissed your jaw clamped shut as you felt hot tears rise to your eyes. 

"Oh, I was invited." His laughter was empty and suffocating at the same time. 

Your eyes stung. You lept from the counter slamming the beer in your hand down so hard you heard it crack. Draco flinched.

"Y/n I-," The man rushed towards you grabbing your wrist. 

Without a second of hesitation, your other hand shot up and you slapped him clean across the face. The sound your hand made on his pale cheek was loud, the smack gaining the attention of a few who sat in the living room.

"Stay the fuck away from me." You seethed stepping away from him. 

"Y/n?" You turned to see Luna, her pale blue eyes wide. You couldn't even offer a smile as you turned, sprinting to the door. 

You made it into the cold November air and realized it had gotten dark out. The light filtering from the house paired with the few buzzing street lamps cast a yellow filter over your surroundings. You fumbled with your keys as you made your way towards your car. You were leaving this time, that was non-negotiable. 

“Y/n!” A small voice yelled from the porch.

You didn’t want to look up but you did. Your keys slid into the door and you twisted click, your it was unlocked. 

“Y/n, please, I just want to talk to you,” Luna begged from the steps. You bit on your lip again, it stung harshly. 

    Turning you fought back tears as you pulled your keys from your door and stepped away from the car. Luna smiled softly at you. “It's good to see you, Luna.” 

    “It's great to see you y/n. I was quite disappointed when we lost contact.” She explained aloof as ever. “But guess you blocked us all out on purpose.” Blunt as ever as well.

    You swallowed thickly not sure how to respond, she was right after all. 

    “It’s alright, no one blames you. You went through a lot. We were all very surprised to see you here today. George has missed you dreadfully.” She hummed leading you back inside where you could no longer see your breath. “I’m happy you came too. I always liked talking with you.” She continued up some stairs stopping midway and sitting down, patting the spot next to her which you took. 

    It was quiet for a while, you could hear laughter and music, a loud gasp followed by more laughter. You wondered if they were still arm wrestling. Tears clung to your eyes, you swallowed them but the world remained blurry. 

    “I can’t be around him, Luna.” You choked out, “Not after what he did to us.”

    “He didn’t do anything to us.” She shrugged playing with her large necklace. 

    Your brows furrowed, “How can you say that? How can you say that after those months Luna?” 

    “He didn’t do anything, his father did.” She explained her eyes now trained on you. 

    “And where is he?” You spat, “In his mansion with zero consequences.”

    “I suppose you’re right.” She mumbled, “But it does no good to take it out on Draco he didn’t do anything.”

    “That’s the issue Luna,” You hissed, “He didn’t do anything. He didn’t do anything as we were locked in his basement.”

    She hummed, “He couldn’t do anything.” You wished you could disagree, “He’s quite nice you know. It was a bit awkward at first but he’s quite nice now, he's going to be one of Harry’s groomsmen I believe.”

    “What?!” You exclaimed.

    “They are good friends now, he is quite nice like I said.” She had begun to fiddle with the ends of your hair, “He asks about you a lot. Always wondering how you are now and if you are going to come to parties and such.” 

    “He shouldn’t ask.” You huffed, “I don’t know why he does.” 

    “I think I do.” She hummed, you waited for her to explain but she didn’t. “He was just a child back then, he was a scared kid, we can’t blame what he did on him. He thought he had to.” 

    Anger fought through you taking your mind hostage. You could feel your face flush, eyes narrow, expression darkening, “You know what, I was a scared kid too, I was fucking horrified. He may get a free pass from the rest of you but he won't from me. I won’t forget what he did.” You seethed standing and walking down four steps. 

    “You wish you could forget though. I know you do. That's why you don’t return our calls or come to birthday parties. You want to forget yet you refuse to. You confuse me y/n.” Luna claimed. She didn’t stop you as you left the house, refusing to look back. You peeled out of the driveway less than a minute later tears of anger and frustration streaming down your face. 

   

    You got home and swore, finding the only liquor in the house to be rose strawberry tequila, something you had bought, opened and hated. You drank it anyway plopping down on the couch with cold pizza from the night before and turning on the TV to see an episode of some anime you couldn’t keep track of. The main character yelled too much and the main girl was obsessed with a boy. It pissed you off, a fuckin pushover. 

    You were about an episode in, swearing as a character whose name you couldn’t remember was flung from a rooftop. Your phone buzzed in your pocket, you flipped it open struggling to read the small writing on the greenish background. You gave up closing it and chucking it across the room as the boy stood back up blood dripping from the corner of his mouth. You cheered. 

    Draco isn’t sure what prompted him to show up at your doorstep at 2:32 in the morning. Maybe it was the constant nagging from Ginny or maybe the fact that you had seen but had not replied to his text or maybe it was the fact that he had been in love with you since he was 13, never had the guts to tell you, was forced into letting some fucked up things happen to you and now you wouldn’t even look at him. Or maybe it was simply because he was hammered. In all honesty, it didn't matter. All that mattered was that he was now banging on your apartment door. 

    You weren't quite sure if you were imagining it or not as you jumped from your sleep. The loud banging continued as you rubbed the sleep from your eyes, brushing your hair out of your face. You stood up head aching slightly as you felt a hangover in the near future. You stumbled towards the door swearing as you tripped over a chair leg. 

    “Jesus what!?” You shouted flinging opening the door. In seconds someone came stumbling at you. A body collided with yours at a fighting force knocking you straight to the ground. You shrieked feeling your lower back ram into your hardwood floor. 

    “Fuck sorry.” The body mumbled propping himself up straddling your waist, his hands on either side of your head. Draco soaked in your image, your cheeks flushed, eyes wide, lips pursed. “God you’re so fuckin beautiful,” he mumbled one of his hands moving to stroke your ruffled hair. 

    You slapped his hand away, jaw clenched, “Get off of me!” you yelled lifting your knee and connecting it with his stomach. 

    He wheezed face contorting in pain as you rolled him off of you standing up, “What the hell are you doing here Malfoy?” You spat his name like poison. 

    Draco now lay on his back staring up at your ceiling he groaned running his hand through his hair, “I missed you.” he mumbled upwards, “I missed you so fucking much.” his words broke.

    “Oh my god, you’re drunk.” You groaned slamming the heels of your hands into your eyes. 

    “I'm not drunk.” He fought back sitting up quickly. 

    “Oh yeah?” You asked, “What's 2 plus 3?” 

    He furrowed his brows in thought, “23.” he replied about twenty seconds later. 

    “You’re definitely drunk.” You sighed.

    “I just wanted to talk y/n and you wouldn’t answer my texts so I had to come here so we could talk.” His words were slurred and hard to understand. 

    “We have nothing to talk about.” You sneered, “Now get out of my house.” 

    “Please y/n, just for a few minutes.” He begged, getting to his feet and grabbing your wrists pulling you towards him, his breath was warm and smelled of beer as it wafted over your face.

    You pushed him off cringing, “If I let you talk, will you leave?” You bargained not really caring where the drunk ended up.

    He nodded vigorously, stumbling into your house a little ways before sitting back down, back against the small island in the middle of your kitchen. You slid down the fridge sitting across from him. For a second you thought he had fallen asleep, his head lolled to one side, his right leg stuck out straight, the other bent towards him. But he snapped to attention looking at you with wide eyes. 

    “Well?” You asked.

    “Oh yeah.” He mumbled taking a deep breath, “I did miss you ya know. I always did. When we were in school you wouldn’t even talk to me unless you were yelling insults and god I wanted you to talk to me sooo bad. I was so fuckin in love with you.” He was interrupted by a hiccup, “And then everything started falling apart and my parents got mad and wanted me to kill people and I was so scared.” Tears welled into the blonde's eyes. His voice straining against him, “And then they caught you because of your dad, and- and I-” More hiccups, tears sliding down his cheeks, “I just wanted to help you and I couldn’t I was such a fucking coward. And I'm sorry y/n/n.” your nickname rolled off his tongue, “I so so fucking sorry.” 

    The kitchen was silent for a long time. The soft sound of sniffing and the drip of tears on tile. The hum of the refrigerator providing a background for the nothingness. Darkness almost seems to muffle everything, the only light coming from the time displayed on the microwave and the moonlight filtering through your few windows. 

    “Fuck Draco,” You cussed, “This is not how I wanted my night to go.” your voice wavered. You could feel tears sliding down your cheeks cooling in the dark air. You sniffed wiping your face. “Well I guess since your drunk as fuck and won’t remember anything anyway I might as well get some things off my chest.” 

    Draco gazed up at you his eyes rimmed with red, his pale cheeks blossoming with beer thirsted roses. He looked so fragile, like a glass figurine or a dried flower. 

    “I’m kind of a shit person.” You chuckled sadly, “I mean I try to blame it on my parents and their nuclear marriage, which was dead long before I was in the world, but they kept mercilessly reincarnating it like some sort of monster from an old movie. They yelled more than they should have, my dad especially, he had anger issues he blew up easily and never got help for it.” You had tears pouring so thickly from your eyes you could hardly see.

“I was messed up in the head, I was rarely happy and when I was it was only for a few seconds, I got panic attacks and I-” Your voice broke with a sob, “I never really dealt with it and you always managed to piss me off. Maybe it was the fact that you seemed to get everything you wanted or maybe that I always thought you were so cute despite the fact that you were a complete asshole. Hell, I had a stupid school girl crush on you from the minute I laid eyes on you and I hated it so much.

 “And I don’t know, I pushed people away, fuck I broke up with Fred three months before he died because I was scared when he said he wanted me to meet his parents.” Your voice broke and you whimpered, “And then I got locked in your house because of my shit father and since then I’ve been avoiding everyone and everything hoping that I can just forget it all but being too stubborn to forgive it so I’m just stuck and it sucks.” You were sobbing now, “It sucks so fucking bad.” 

Draco turned around and pushed himself towards you. He put his arm around your shoulders and tucked his head into your neck, inhaling your scent and mumbling something you couldn’t make out over the strength of your cries. 

You woke up the next morning head pounding, eyes stinging as you opened them. You were sprawled on your kitchen floor, your lower back aching with pain. Your head rested on Draco’s chest, his legs tangled with yours, arm around your waist as yours rested around his neck. You groaned carefully sliding from his grasp, this was not how things were supposed to go. You were not supposed to be blushing because of Draco Malfoy. You huffed heading to the bathroom and taking a quick shower before changing into a pair of sweats and an oversized t-shirt. You walked into the kitchen crouching next to the man on your floor and poking his cheek. He didn’t even budge. You sighed stepping over him to your coffee maker. 

    Two hours later as you sat on your couch with a book in your lap you heard a loud groan from your kitchen. Rolling your eyes you stood up and made your way towards the newly awakened blonde who cussed as he attempted to get to his feet. His eyes locked with yours and widened, “Y-y/n?” he sounded mortified. 

    You smirked, “Good afternoon Draco.”

    His cheeks blossomed with color as he ran his hands through his hair nervously, “Um what am I doing here?” 

    “Well, you showed up here at two in the morning drunk as fuck and proclaiming your love for me.” You explained. 

    He paled eyes getting impossibly wider, he slumped against your counter burying his face in his hands. “Oh, Merlin y/n I’m so sorry.” 

    You sighed biting your abused lip, “Look Draco, it’s not that big of a deal.” 

    He looked up at you, visibly confused.

    “You said some crazy shit last night but so did I and I-” You sighed again swallowing harshly, “I would actually like to take up your offer on dinner, ya know the one you probably don’t remember texting me. We need to talk, like when one of us isn’t wasted and the other isn’t an emotional wreck.” 

    “Really?” Draco asked.

    “Yeah,” You confirmed, “Can you pick me up at seven tonight?” 

    “Umm yeah.” He said not really remembering if he could but also not really caring, he would anyway. 

    You took a step towards him standing on your toes and placing a kiss on his cheek, “Thank you Draco.” 

    The man shook his head, “You did it wrong.” he whispered.

    “What?” You asked, suddenly feeling his hands on your hips pulling you closer. 

    “I said you did it wrong.” He repeated.

    “I know what you said, I just-” Your sentence fell short as he bent forward his lips inches from your own. 

    “Can I kiss you y/n?” He asked so quietly if you were any further apart you wouldn’t have heard it. 

    Your mind reeled but before you could really think about it you were nodding and his lips were on yours. He pulled you flush against him, you could feel his heart hammering in his chest, or maybe it was your own. His tongue swiped the seam of your lips and you opened them allowing him to deepen the kiss, he still tasted of beer and tears for the night before. 

    You broke away panting lightly staring up at his icy grey eyes. “You taste like shit.” You whispered. 

    Draco broke into a barking laugh, “You really know how to kill a mood.” 

    You shrugged, “You better brush your teeth before tonight.” 

    He smiled his heart still beating erratically, you looked so pretty with swollen lips, “Does that mean we are going to be kissing more?” 

    “Maybe.” You shrugged again smiling, “Now get out of my house Draco.” 

    “Of course.” 

Taglist:

@accio-rogers

@roslea

@k3nz-doodl3

@theseuscmander

@sleepingalaska

Masterlist

[beauzoleils]

FLORENCE  PUGH ,  CISFEMALE ,  SHE / HER    →   according  to  the  school  records ,  ZOEY  ELIZABETH  ZINGER  has  been  attending  sacred  heart  for  the  past  three  years .  i  last  saw  them   hanging  around  the  cliffs  ;  i   think   they  were  drawing  patterns  into  the  dirt  with  the  toe  of  her  shoe  and  finding  faces  in  storm  clouds .  at   twenty - one   years   old ,  zoey  has  been  studying   philosophy   and   get   this ,   i   heard   that  she  went   missing   as   a   child ,   prompting  a   public   search   effort ,   only   to   reappear   in   the   middle   of   the  night   a   week   later ,   unharmed   but   with   no   memories   of   what  happened   to   her     —   figure   it’s   true   ?   everyone   around   here   always   associates   them   with   cutting   your   own   hair   at   three  in  the   morning ,   not   recognizing   your   reflection   in   the   mirror ,   and  needing   to   be  reminded   that   you   are   alive   .   in   the   time   since   these   strange   happenings ,   they   have   encountered   unexplained   occurrences   .     

hey ,  it’s  me !  back  again  for  trip  number  TWO  on  the  hot  mess  express !  your  conductor  today  will  be  miss  zoey  zinger ,  human  disaster !  all aboard !

alright  so .  FULL  disclosure ,  a  lot  of  this  is  a  wip  bc  i  decided  at  the  last  minute  to  pick  up  another  character  JKSDMS .  but !  this  won’t  be  nearly  as  long  as  natalie’s  ( the  audience  cheers )  so you’re  welcome !

here’s  some  stuff  i  have :

a pinterest  board !

a  stats  page !

no  bio  or  anything  bio  adjacent ,  sorry  :/

so !  here’s  what  we  got  so  far

𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓  𝐈 :  𝑨 𝑯𝑰𝑺𝑻𝑶𝑹𝒀

 she  was  born  on  february  29 ,  1952 . .  leap  day .  i know .  icb  it  either !  it  rly  does  set  the  tone . .  anyways !  she  was  born  in  a  town  called  bromley ,  just  outside  of  london .  her  dad ,  arthur  zinger ,  was  an  established  member  of  parliament  when  she  was  born .  her  mom ,  betsy  zinger ,  was  a  housewife .

her  childhood  was  all  well  and  good  and  relatively  uneventful  until  . .  

( tw :  child  abuduction )

when  she  was  nine  years  old ,  she  went  missing  from  her  family  home .  the  daughter  of  a  politician  going  missing ,  of  course ,  spread  like  wildfire  and  people  all  over  the  place  were  set  on  helping  return  her  home .  after  a  week  of  searching  without  any  leads ,  zoey  reappeared  in  the  middle  of  the  night .  she  didn’t  remember  anything  that  had  happened  to  her ,  but  according  to  all  of  the  many  doctors  who  examined  her  after  said  that  she  was  unharmed .  it  didn’t  appear  to  be  targeted  towards  her  father’s  career ,  nor  was  there  any  evidence  that  she  was  in  any  danger  now  that  she  was  home .  so  it  was  eventually  dropped .

( end  tw )

 she  was  “ okay ”  but  like .  she  wasn’t  okay .  she  very  much lived  in  the  shadow  of  that  for  the  rest  of  her  life ,  everywhere  she  went .  

it  only  got  worse  when  her  dad  was  elected  prime  minister  five  years  later .  yes ,  that’s  right !  the  prime  minister  himself .  then  she  had  another  whole  shadow  to  live  in .  

now  she’s  at  university  and  she’s  still  very  much .  doesn’t  know  who  she  is .  she’s  very  much  had  her  whole  life  defined  by  the  things  that  have  happened  to  her  and  so  she’s  like ?  but  who  am  i  really ?  she  doesn’t  know ,  n  she’s  majoring  in  philosophy  even  though  she  can’t  do  anything  with  it  n  she’s  just .  havin  a  rough  time . 

𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓  𝐈𝐈 :  𝑨  𝑺𝑼𝑴𝑴𝑨𝑹𝒀 .

okay  so  like .  she’s  a  lot  so  this  is  going  to  be . .  very  disorganized  and  i  apologize 

okay

so  she  was  homeschooled  for  a  long  while  after  her  whole Incident  bc  her   mother  was  very  . .  protective ,  n  with  good  reason  i  don’t  blame  her .  so  her  social  interactions  were  limited  n  she  was  rly  rly  shy  for  a  long  time  n  she’s  more  social  now  BUT  still  quiet  deep  down  and  social  situations  kind  of  stress  her  out  #relatable

she  definitely  thinks  that  something  is  wrong  w  her  because  she  Thinks  that  she’s  not  affected  by  everything  that  happened  to  her .  she  just  doesn’t  realize  that  the  repressing  is  the  trauma  behavior .  like  she  just  hasn’t  accessed  that  part  of  her  brain  bc  therapy ?  in  this  day  and  age ?  no  way !

she  also  gets  rly  stressed  abt  social  interaction  bc .  babygirl  is  GAY AS FUCK !

again .  in  this  day  and  age ?  no  way !

she  is  super ,  super ,  painfully  closeted  because  she  knows  that  a )  it’s  big  time  not  acceptable  for  her  to  be  into  girls  and  b )  even  more ,  it’s  against  her  father’s  political  beliefs  and  that’s , ,  not  something  she’s  ready  to  unpack  yet

tried  to  date  boys ,  it  didn’t  work  out .  she’s  still  very  Overly  Flirty  w  men  bc  she’s  overcompensating  but  she  Won’t  go  out  on  dates  or  anything  serious  n  i  feel  like  it  gives  her  a  little  bit  of  a  bad  rep  :/ 

she’s  kind  of  just  like  that  in  general  like ?  very  quiet  in  a  way  that’s  mysterious  n  alluring , ,  like  a  manic  pixie  dream  girl  type  of  situation .  and  ppl  fall  in  love  w  their  idea  of  her  but  not  the  real  her  :(

she’s  very  dreamy ,  very  in  her  own  world .  definitely  has  some  elements  of  luna  lovegood  going  on  in  there 

very  soft ,  so  so  fucking  soft 

very  loyal  to  people  and  very  sentimental  and  very  homey . 

needs  stability  or  she  will  die .  period .

𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓  𝐈𝐈𝐈 :  𝑪𝑶𝑵𝑵𝑬𝑪𝑻𝑰𝑶𝑵𝑺 .

i’m  running  out  of  time  so  these  will  b  short ,  sweet ,  and  i  can  elaborate  more  in  the  dms  n  whatnot 

okay

first  of  all ,  i  want  all  the  gay  angst  IN  THE  WORLD .  please  give  me  secret  relationship / relationship  adjacent  things  pls !  sneaking around !  pain !  suffering !

exes ! 

guys  that  she  dated  that  she  ended  things  w  bc  she  didnt  actually  love  them  like  that  :(

girls  that  she  dated  in  secret ?  where  things  ended  Badly  bc  of  the  whole , ,  closed  doors  only  thing  :(  :( 

pls . .  this  is  so  important ,  i  rly  want  someone  who  will  b  her  fake  bf  PLS .  like  maybe  they’re  also  closeted  n  it’s  mutually  beneficial .  maybe  they  want  to  make  someone  else  jealous  n  are  like  “ okay  let’s  do  it ” ,  maybe  just  a  good  friend   who  wants  to  help  her  n  then  things  get  Messy  if / when  they  become  involved  w  other  ppl

FRIENDS .  supportive  friends  who  like .  know  but  they  pretend  like  they  don’t  know  bc  she  needs  to  come  out  for  herself  

maybe .  a  girl  who  she  had  a  Huge  Fucking  Crush  on  and  it  manifested  in  this  rly  negative  jealousy / rivalry  type  of  thing ? 

okay  thats  all  i  got  for  now  whew .

if  u  read  all / any  of  this . .  i  love  u . <3  either hmu on discord ( let's go 𝓁𝑒𝓈𝒷𝒾𝒶𝓃𝓈 ! #6227 ) ksdjfskm  OR ! like  this  n  i  will  come  to  u !  okay ,  that’s  all ,  bye

[carndriverrecords]

First Blog Post 3/20/20

Started CnD Records today. Feels Good.

Working on some diss tracks. Not sure if they see it coming - doesn’t matter either way.

Planning to release Car and Driver first real record this Friday 3/20/20. Driving Test Driver Fest 1. 

Self release first record - another 20 tracks next week. Compile top 10 - 15 for first release with other label - thinking Terrible, Kranky, blu ish label or Thrill Jockey. Citrus City a no-go for now. Maybe just keep building CnD records.

Be the middle man - take advantage of opportunities without sacrificing my bands’ (and those I represent) integrity.

Reach sleep destroyer.

Last night at Ted’s - great DJ set. Kidz bop remixes, Fancy. Crowd hated it. Ted disappointed we had to leave but it’s ok with everyone. Tall guy took aux right out of computer, have video. Started dancing - cucked everyone. Everyone thinks they’re the crazy charismatic guy. Am I actually? I think so. Syd thinks so. 

CnD Fest 2 , 3 , 4 at Purchase and beyond. Would like to play apartments, Scully’s den in BK (reach out) and Philly, DC etc.

Next voice memo album - 20 - 25 tracks right now. Better than the first. Danny said best album ever.

Working on “My oh Maia Reason Why” video - my favorite video I’ve ever seen. Getting good feedback.

Important to collab with certain SUNY people before I go:

Members of Lip Critic, Dawson, Neal, Gabe.

Send stuff back and forth with Joseph Kress. 

Need to write song about not sharing a stage w unstable Car and Driver - cost me 2 gigs. Ok because I had the police interaction that night. 

Things have been working out quite well. Syd is keeping me in check. Main priorities are keep the energy going while I can and make sure everyone around me is comfortable with me doing my thing, specifically mom, sofia.

Going to Only Angels tomorrow to collab with Alex.

Tues/Wed in RI with Zach Gorton. Need to see Nick Holcomb, Sofia, Will Orchard if he’s around. Riley in Boston? Would love to. 

Visit Dad soon on the way to Richmond, in a few weeks perhaps. Grandma Roberta etc. They have a BBQ place now - I bet it’s great. 

Follow up in the morning (3 hours from now) with wedding band, Kevin Daniels, drummer etc.

Film sunrise sessions at Purchase: My Ride’s Here, Splendid Isolation, Keep me in your heart, Studebaker, Cat’s in the Cradle, Everybody that you know. Don’t think twice, Boots of Spanish Leather, Someday my Prince, Teenage Dirtbag, Arthur (Woof Woof), Forget You, Signed Sealed Delivered, Superstition, The Promise, Hold me now (TT), Love on Top, Townes Van Zandt, 1-800 superstar, Evan Wright, Tom Petty, Blinded By the Light, Searching for a Heart, Mag Field’s, Barenaked Ladies, TMBG, Dolly Parton one sided love, Byrds, Beatles, Kinks, Stones, Parquet Courts, T Swift (Red, Way I loved you), Mitski, Sasami, Anything Could Happen, Beach House, He Needs Me, These Days, YLT, Beach Boys, Big Star Take Care, G500/Luna, Felt, Psychic TV, Shelia, BJM, Yellow Sarong, Over and Over, Hazel St, Heatherwood, Helicopter, He Would’ve Laughted, I wanna be your lover, The pump, Good enough (sleep destroyer), Them airs, BH (14, indian summer), help me scrape mucus off my brain), Beach Comber, DO YOUR THING, Icehead, Bobby, 1000 times, WIll Orchard, Bon Iver, MGMT, Tame impala, Instant Crush, etc. Art Vandelay, Quick Canal, Stereolab, Grouper, Broadcast, Animal Collective, Panda Bear, Bachelor Kisses, Cranberries, Cure, Pastels, MBV, I found a reason, pale blue eyes, Deerhoof, Gretel Alex G, Dancing w tears in my eyes, Elvis Costello, No age(things i did), Are ya ok, Maus, Ariel, R Stevie, Aphex Twin, Zomes, Vampire Weekend etc.

Bring Laptop for Beats on some and lyrics for all. 

Love life more than ever before. Music feels so good. Want to help, make amends, everything that moondog did. Don’t be homeless much longer.

Not sure if I like throbbing gristle - definitely like Psychic TV.

How savage should diss tracks be? Very? Match the severity of the person’s treatment of me/others. Aka - pretty bad for all except for Auto.

Listened to new Kanye today - 10x better and more influential than death grips. 

Realized today that i’ve spent my whole life wishing I was Kanye and now I am Kanye. Feels very good.

Everyone is gifted but internet makes us angst. 

I am mostly Camus right now - maybe more Kierkegaard soon. Religion and Terrence Malik. Still need to read books.

Order of Books: The graduate Portrait of the artist Consider Lobster Infinite Jest Pynchon Ulysses (At recommendation of American gamer association)

Syd is incredibly gifted. Want to help her feel comfortable doing art/work here in the chaos but also sort out the chaos for both of ours’ sake. I thrive in it, she tolerates well. Want to move to Riverdale still, maybe East Williamsburg with Backpack Chris. We’ll see about money. Philly perhaps, little too far. Jersey is good location but bad commute. Bad to RI. 

Visit RI and Boston Tues - Thurs. Sell Cigarettes at Concerts. Feels right.

Keep smoking for now - quit end of summer perhaps. 

Don’t have Corona Virus - glad we are not quarantined. Still be smart. Don’t expose mom regardless. Protect at ALL costs. 

Really though, why does Journee hate me? Write new track (Journee into forever nevermore not now not ever (Lou)) or Journee into SJW self righteous moral posturing (way too savage - maybe voice memo outro)

AR Kane album is incredible. Syd loves too. Sample everything.

Crazy - sound better at jazz than ever in my life. Exploring harmony - never practice. Teach free lessons all the time. Love the diminished scale. Might be best jazz guitarist to ever live. Time will tell. Would be cool long term. Prefer singing. 

Getting good at piano too.

I’m my favorite lyricist/comedian/actor.

Is maia right, acting isn’t hard? Weird they can’t act.

^Remember to delete^

Don’t share this on Facebook yet.

Why does Journee hate me so much? Just the Louis CK joke?

People who stay home and do nothing hate to see irreverent people doing things.

People like when you’re losing - don’t like to see you win.

^That makes me sound crazy.

F00D outsider might make me famous first.

Need to keep up with legal situation.

Hope mom and dad both live long. Call Syd, get something nice for everyone in family. Get weird jewel cases. Order jewelry from etsy. Post merch on bandcamp.

Finish album art soon. Music videos. Get better at animation etc. Pay Ben for his poster. Actually really good. Maybe album art? Duo album! Record in Wisconsin, release under his name. WIll success be good for Ben? I think so. Still can’t believe Liv told him I wasn’t ok. Wow - good content for lyrics. You truly cannot write this.

How will people react to diss tracks? Extremely negatively. Or no reaction. We shall see. Maybe no real names in the titles...... only on Oh my. 4 names in titles is too many. Don’t release Auto track. Maybe on Voice Memos. 

Track List: Good God Bed Head Rosa Reprise Oh My House Pop 1 skydive Pop 2 APhex GVO Pay 4 Take some Cherish Stars in F Are ya ok too bright Honeys Get to work Everybody That You Know Frost Bit BPC NYC New Age Heimet Helmet Deadbeat dads watermill for slitting bars romantic song david byrne Cinema study in cinema Brain ego Cherry doc marten Can’t liv w/o Venmo groceries Oh you like? Dancin DJ blues We are the State Farm robots Danny dorito is a dirty devito My funny valentine Zoomer blues The thing abt genres Blss Like minds ft dawson Lil toucha jazz Introducing car and driver The holy moment empire Ethics 101 - gma in the street Otto is sad I don’t know what it means! Operatic mellismatic Car and driver fest will be a success! Car and driver fest was a bust again! Cipha’s comedy corner Ryder Be gone evil atonal spirits!

Unreleased mental breakdown compilation ep:

I like all music! I’m a stupid pos Electric micro bike Get off your phone! John frusc Nice song Lap steel for 2 My masseuse advice Bed head wash sq Punchie John Maus yoyo interview Diminished  kinda thing

Build the NYC scene, w Blu ish, Evan, 1 800, sweet joseph, Comics Club, Dawson, Sloppy Jane, Wheatus,

See Jack Fortin in NYC soon. Either my event or his. 

Things are still good. Syd will be a great filmmaker. WIll maybe will end up with a dancer or a filmmaker - Probably not a musician. WIll have many loves. 

Things are good right now - hope they stay that way. 

Feel like Ezra Keonig - hopefully someone reads this one day and agrees. Different time in history and the internet - hope this is less cringe than Ezra’s blog , probably not. Ezra, if you’re reading this, sorry. See ya at Bernie’s rally. 

[blesspastacraig]

Babe (SP Drabble Bomb Day 5 - Letter)

Remember, fear is in no way truthful.

Tweek and Craig's relationship through post-it notes and texts.

ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14765684/chapters/34252124

Babe,

Can you get milk today.

Love you, Craig.

I’m in bed. No milk.

-T

Babe,

I hope your day is better today.

Try to get out of bed if you can.

Love you, Craig.

Couldn’t.

-T

Babe,

You are strong and you will get through this.

Love, Craig.

I love you.

-T

///

Tweek

Come home. I need u.

Craig

I’ll ask my boss babe.

Tweek

Hurry

Craig

Ok honey, I’m leaving now.

Tweek

I think I need to go to the hospital again.

I failed.

Craig

You didn’t fail anything.

I’m coming home now.

I love you babe.

///

Babe,

I miss you.

Love, Craig.

My babe,

I’m going to keep this here until you come home.

So you’ll know how much you’re loved and missed.

Love, Craig.

Hey babe,

Thinking of you today.

Love, Craig.

Babe,

You’re my favourite person.

I can’t wait for you to get home and we’ll try that Indian place.

Love, Craig.

Babe,

Please come home soon.

I’m missing you.

Love, Craig.

Tweek,

It’s late and I’m drunk.

I need you.

-Craig

Babe,

You’re so strong, it blows me away.

You’ve improved so much.

Love, Craig.

Babe,

I’ve missed your smile.

It was nice seeing it again today.

Love, Craig.

Babe,

I can’t wait to see you today.

You’ll finally be home with me, where you belong.

Love, Craig.

I love u so much but I don’t deserve u

-T

Babe,

You deserve everything.

Love, Craig.

///

Tweek

I’m really sorry that ur working double shifts bc I can’t hold a damn job.

Craig

Your job is to get better :)

Tweek

That doesn’t seem fair.

Craig

Rest, let the meds work.

I’ve got this covered.

Tweek

I’ll try nd get the house clean 2day

Craig

It’s fine. It’s my mess anyway.

T

Tweek

Ok i’ll cook then

Craig

Only if you wanna. I know you like to cook.

Tweek

I’ll cook since Im not payin rent

Craig

We live together, you don’t pay rent.

What’s mine is yours etc.

Tweek

I’ll pay u in love?

Craig

Love is a currency I can accept.

///

Craig,

Gone 4 a walk 2 pickup my meds.

B back soon.

Ily -T

Babe,

Look at you!

Love, Craig.

Craig,

Its not a big deal stop bein dumb

-T

Babe,

It’s a huge deal!

Let’s get pizza when I get home.

Love, Craig.

Craig,

I need to get up earlier so we can actually speak 2 each other instead of playin sticky note tag.

-T

Babe,

Get up whenever you want.

I kinda like it. It’s sweet.

Wait up for me?

Love, Craig.

Craig,

I’ll b out when u get home.

When I get back lets go 2 the Indian place u wanted 2 try.

-T

Babe,

Goddamn, I love you.

Love, Craig.

///

Craig

You have therapy today?

Tweek

Yep. I’m goin 2 bribe myself with ice cream or something.

Craig

Good, stay out if you can.

It’s nice to see you going places by yourself.

Tweek

Sometimes I watch the birds.

Craig

Take some pics for me.

I love you.

Tweek

Ok.

Can I ask u something?

Craig

Course babe.

Tweek

Can we get another guinea pig?

I feel better when animals r around.

Craig

We can definitely do that.

Tweek

I can pretend Im a stay @ home mom.

Craig

Furbabies count. I say so.

Tweek

Okay love :)

Craig

I gotta go back to work, see you tonight.

Love you lots.

Tweek

Ilysm.

///

Craig,

Im goin job hunting 2day so might not be home when u finish.

-T

Babe,

Only if you feel ready.

Don’t push yourself too hard.

Love, Craig.

Craig,

I want to try.

-T

Babe,

Good luck today!

Don’t forget to take your meds!

Love, Craig.

///

Tweek

I called in sick 4 u b4 I left

Craig

I didn’t see this until now.

Sorry. Thank you.

Tweek

U wanna talk abt it?

Craig

Idk, I might be going down again.

Amazing timing.

Tweek

Im not surprised you have been working nonstop.

Prob burnout. I’ll call dr.

Craig

Thank you, sorry for doing this to you.

Tweek

U haven’t done anything 2 me.

I am ok thanks 2 u.

I love u.

Craig

We are hot messes.

Tweek

We r doin ok 4 2 hot messes.

Craig

Maybe we should get that Guinea Pig soon.

Tweek

We can get 1 asap.

I hope u feel better soon my love.

Craig

Thank you.

I’m going to sleep for a bit.

Tweek

Sleep well <3

///

Babe, Guinea Pig name suggestions?

Poppy?

Love, Craig.

Blaze?

-T

Babe,

How about Luna?

Love, Craig.

Craig

I like Luna. Maybe Cinnamon?

-T

Babe,

I’ve got it! Sunshine!

Love, Craig

Craig

Absolutely not!

Happy?

-T

Babe,

Nah, Oreo?

Love, Craig

Craig,

No. If we’re goin with food how abt Peanut?

-T

Tweek,

That’s so basic.

Sonny?

Love, Craig

Craig,

2 much like Sunny/Sunshine.

Charlie?

-T

Babe,

You’d think we were naming our first child!

Mocha?

Love, Craig

Craig,

No way. Nothing coffee related.

Also no human babies.

Maybe just Baby?

-T

Babe,

Only furbabies for sure.

What about Babe, seeing as I call you that so often?

Love, Craig

My love,

I think I like that 1 the best.

Love Tweek.

[ikigyu]

luna ಥ‿ಥ ಥ‿ಥ , i'm scrolling tiktok today and i found heeseung video , i'm this 🤏 close to stan enhypen b-but i just stan tbz 😀 i dont want to abandon tbz how i do to the other gps :D

teach me how to stay loyal bestie 😩😩💥

omg bestie thats awesome dkmdkd yes yes u should stan enhypen, start from I-land, it's a show where enhypen was formed!! and no, stanning another group doesn't mean that you'll leave ur ult group, it's just,, expanding your knowledge abt other groups! take me as an example; I was a nct stan even before I stanned tbz, enha, txt, skz, golcha, + many more!! you'll still be able to stan tbz at the same time as you stan enhypen! don't worry I went through the same😩😩😩💔💔💛💛 goodluck bestie<3

[powla]

The rules: Answer these 85 statements about yourself, then tag 20 people.

Tagged by @funkypoacher thank youuu <3

Who do I tag? Idk. @kellinahasaship @hasbeenlokid @thranduilsausage hey guys how’s it going

Last

1. Drink – Coke - literally no one is surprised

2. Phone call – Um I called my partner on Thursday

3. Text message – An ad from my carrier... exciting

4. Song you listened to –  Jhope - Daydream, aka the Bop of the Year

5. Time you cried – I haven’t cried in a while but I teared up yesterday bc reasons

Ever

6. Dated someone twice? – Nope

7. Kissed someone and regretted it – Nope

8. Been cheated on – Nope

9. Lost someone special – I mean yea family members

10. Been depressed – Not officially

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up – Oh yeah lmao

Favourite colours

12. Blue

13. Grey

14. Dusty pink

In the last year have you…

15. Made new friends – Yea :)

16. Fallen out of love – Nope! 10 years and counting <3

17. Laughed until you cried – Yes I’m quite good at that haha

18. Found out someone was talking about you – Nah

19. Met someone who changed you – I guess? I feel like I’ve changed, dunno if it’s bc of people

20. Found out who your friends are – No. I’ve been a shitty friend myself so

21. Kissed someone on your Facebook friends list – No bc my partner doesn’t have FB

General

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know irl – All of them

23. Do you have any pets – Luna and Hertta <3

24. Do you want to change your name – No, I’m happy with all of mine

25. What did you do for your last birthday –  Not much really, I’m old and boring now

26. What time did you wake up today – Around 11:30 am AND I fell asleep after 5 am like wtf

27. What were you doing at midnight last night – Downloading Skyrim mods because I felt the Urge again

28. What is something you cant wait for – Quite a few things I’m looking forward to actually!

30. What are you listening to right now  – Critical Role Season 2 Episode 8

31. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom – Nope!

32. Something that’s getting on your nerves – My laziness

33. Most visited website – It’s probably twitter these days

34. Hair colour – Grey

35. Long or short hair – Short really is the way to go guys

36. Do you have a crush on someone - Kinda

37. What do you like about yourself? – I think I’m kind. Funny. Positive. I do like myself these days, a lot more than I used to.

38. Want any piercings? – Oh yeah but I don’t see myself getting any haha

39. Blood type – O, not sure if I’m positive or negative

40. Nicknames – I’ve gained a few recently :>

41. Relationship status – Engaged <3

42. Zodiac – Gemini

43. Pronouns – She/her

44. Favourite TV shows – Mm I have many but since I was just talking about, Hannibal is one of them

45. Tattoos – I’m too scared of pain to get any :(

46. Right or left handed – Right

47. Ever had surgery – Nope! 

48. Piercings – 3 earrings

49. Sports - No thank you

50. Vacation – Yes please

51. Trainers – Um?

More general

52. Eating – God I’m hungry please give me food

53. Drinking – Coke & water (separately ofc)

54. I’m about to watch – Still half-watching CR

55. Waiting for – My inspiration to return from the war

56. Want – Food

57. Get married – Maybe one day, now that it’s actually legal. But I wanna be more financially stable first

58. Career – Hoping to keep this one going! Sterile supply technician is like my dream job

Which is better

59. Hugs or kisses - Hugs

60. Lips or eyes - Eyes

61. Shorter or taller - Don’t care

62. Older or younger - Don’t really care abt this either though I tend to go for older generally

63. Nice arms or stomach - Arms?

64. Hookup or relationship - Relationship

65. Troublemaker or hesitant – Hesitant

Have you ever

66. Kissed a stranger – No

67. Drank hard liquor – Yes

68. Lost glasses – I don’t need em!

69. Turned someone down – A couple

70. Sex on first date – No

71. Broken someones heart – Lmao me, a whole potato? Not that I’m aware of

72. Had your heart broken – No thank god

73. Been arrested – Nope!

74. Cried when someone died – Yepp

75. Fallen for a friend – Yes <3

Do you believe in

76. Yourself – Kinda sorta almost

77. Miracles – Nah

78. Love at first sight – MMmmno?

79. Santa Claus – He lives in Korvatunturi duh I’ve been to his house

80. Kiss on a first date – Sure why not

81. Angels – No

Other

82. Best friend’s name – I’m not sure I have one? God that’s sad

83. Eye colour – blue/grey

84. Favourite movie – Idk I like a lot of movies 

85. Favourite actor – I don’t really have any....

[herotheshiro]

[new thing i’m gonna do is put the manga’s cover on my review posts so y’all who don’t know/memorize titles can tell/remember what manga i’m talking about at a glance. photos will purposely not be good quality, i’m just grabbing off of google images and this isn’t a scanlations tumblr or anything]

so. today i’m writing about hate no kouya de vacances wo/the world’s end. it’s actually made up of 3 one-shots, and i’ll be reviewing the 2nd and 3rd ones -- i didn’t read the 1st one bc it’s not stuff i’m that interested in reading (ageless demon picks up human child, child grows up and he and the demon get together as adults).

2nd story is called the frog boy i think, it’s about a HS boy who’s really pretty but he’s disgusted by himself and his own looks. he befriends a classmate who’s really into bugs and fossils and etc and obviously this is BL they get together at the end. this was a nice read, i liked that when the classmate finally confesses near the end, you know he likes the main for more than his looks even though the beginning of his confession is like ‘i’ve been thinking lately you’re prettier than a luna moth...’. tbh i was afraid the story was gonna take a morbid turn and the main disfigures his own face out of personal disgust or something and the classmate would be into it, but nah it was basically just a ‘i like you for more than/past your looks’ story. ending where the main suddenly stops being nauseous abt his looks didn’t really make sense bc you just don’t suddenly stop hating yourself just bc someone you like confesses to you but whatever, story logic where everything gets wrapped up in the end nicely is how it is.

3rd story is called something along the lines of vacationing at world’s end [characters on cover are for this story], and man tbh this is the story i really wanted to write about in this post. (spoilers oncoming bc i’m just gonna give the entire story here so i can discuss it) main character shin is a scientist/astronaut living alone on a planet carrying out research missions while he keeps contact with a scientist rurikiya (was that his name? i forgot) back on earth (who he is also actually in a relationship with. more on this later in my thoughts). he’s been out there alone for years, so occasionally he has his mission support AI (designed by scientist dude) take the form of the scientist dude and he sleeps with him and eventually just hangs with him in rurikiya form. finally it’s time for shin to return home but turns out a year prior earth had been completely destroyed by an asteroid and also rurikiya died then ... and turns out the person he had been talking to for that entire year was the AI, which turns out rurikiya put all his neural info into up until his death which was why the AI was basically able to develop as and be rurikiya without shin realizing something was up.

ok now that the summary’s out of the way ... stories like this always really pull at my heartstrings. technically it’s a “happy” ending bc in the end shin and rurikiya are together ... it just brings up the decades-old question of “if you copy a person exactly, DNA and thought patterns and all .... is that copy really the same thing as the original person you copied from?” which is hella complicated to even begin to unpack in post that’s just a manga/BL review. there’s another BL that comes to mind that touched on this which is that one abt the main who meets this guy who travelled back in time and is like ‘we’re destined to be together’ and eventually they get together but then the guy dies and idr how the story progresses but the ending is the main living in the future with a robot clone of the time traveller dude ... and now that i’m thinking about it, there’s also a couple other stories i can think of which had similar stories/concepts, and all of them just make me feel so sad...

anyway thoughts on story plot. story starts, and i’m like ‘omg... this is gonna be a case of AI falls in love with human or vice versa huh...’ and then halfway through the story i was like ‘ok the AI is actually gonna be rurikiya somehow, like rurikiya can actually see through the AI so he knows shin has been hooking up with him every night’ bc i thought it was gonna be a simple story where it ends with them together at the end in a HEA and then they hit me with the ‘earth has actually been destroyed’ revelation so then i was like ‘WAIT OMG... THE AI HAS BECOME SENTIENT AND IS IN LOVE WITH SHIN’ and then they’re like ‘well actually rurikiya put all his neural info into the AI so the AI is actually rurikiya basically’. basically a ton of whiplashes... i was under the impression that shin had a secret crush on rurikiya but also turns out (based on the side story at the end which is rurikiya’s pov of shin going off to the other planet and during earth’s doomsday) they were actually in a relationship or something (but then this kind of makes me confused re: that scene when AI rurikiya is like ‘isn’t that creepy? we’re basically the same’ and there’s a shot of shin and rurikiya in bed together ... was that supposed to be like ‘oh all along shin thought he was sleeping with an AI but he was actually sleeping with rurikiya?’ or was it a ‘oh we’re actually both interested in each other like that but that was a weird way to reveal it’. i mean the side story kind of basically says they were in a relationship w rurikiya being like ‘[shin] should have proposed before he left’ but idk. i guess you could argue otherwise) ??

anyway the manga ends with them being like ‘yeah the AI is rurikiya. now with earth destroyed ... at least they can be together for the time being’ which like ok but also i’m the kind of person who’s like ‘no the copy and the original are different entities’ so i’m conflicted ... the ending i feel like could also be interpreted as shin knowing that the AI isn’t rurikiya (bc he’s like ‘you’re dead’ to the AI’s face) but accepting him and his concept of rurikiya as a replacement since the “real” rurikiya is gone. though the acceptance of the ‘aren’t i enough?’ line could go (again) either way ... either 1. the AI with rurikiya’s neural info has memories of their relationship and basically his personality and develops as rurikiya so rurikiya is still with him albeit in AI form or 2. rurikiya and the AI are different, but the AI can take on rurikiya’s form and thus rurikiya can still “be” with shin. again the side story made me a lil confused here bc i was like ‘did rurikiya shift his consciousness to the AI’ with the ‘i can see it shin’ line bc if it’s just an AI then how ... or is rurikiya being like ‘in my mind here on earth i can see it’. the thing about this 3rd story is that i feel like it’s not entirely tight re: the whole AI situation as you would expect from a fully developed sci-fi story but i mean lol this is just a one-shot and there are enough details that everything makes sense (or you can easily make it make sense). also the comment about ‘when the meteroid was coming, only the millionaires, govt officials, and the barest minimum of staff got on the escape ships and i wasn’t able to get a ship to you’ made me so sad bc you damn know well that same shit would happen if this doomsday shit happened today.

anyway i wonder whenever rurikiya was updating the AI with his neural info did he see that shin was sleeping with him. i mean i think the whole sleeping with the AI thing didn’t happen until the year post-earth being destroyed but idr the story’s timeframe. also wanted to say my favorite panel in this story was the panel right after rurikiya tells shin that the earth was destroyed a year ago: it looks so different compared to the rest of the story’s style, and you can tell the raw horror/fear in that one moment.

other than the 1st story that i didn’t read, the 2nd and 3rd stories were nice even though the last one was really sad to read. stories like that which indirectly talk about the concept of forever and losing things always really make me feel some kind of way ... like eden in February and that one one-shot of the guy leaving his country home for college in tokyo both murdered me bc those were basically their themes. god.

[aitian]

July 6 2019

3:15 am (saturday?)

it feels like july fourth was just a few hours ago, & june should not have passed yet. i really wish i had someone to love in these moments. it really feels like once again no one really cares for me (in all meanings; im not interesting or tasteful or attractive or desirable or worth understanding/being around). i feel so strange about my body as smth that i do not totally mind being in but also feel mildly disgusted by bc of how other ppl have treated me based upon it. it predicates so much of the violence & suffering that i have internalized. also i am hitting a rock with a few things- i spent all of last night (the night before?) looking up careers & etc things all over the internet & i still have no real dreams relating to working & being a worker- i am more & more uncomfortable with my transness & feeling like i will b disgusting & foolish if i become more feminine but also that i am disgusting & foolish already in how i have always looked & felt- i keep looking at these websites related to queer apa groups & literary things & “opportunities” for someone like me & they just fully do not feel like they are for someone like me bc i feel at the same time too privileged & too lacking to be who they want to support & also that i am simply annoying & burdensome for trying to do anything yet feeling like the work that they do is sometimes annoying & useless anyway so what gives them the pride to deny me & then circling back to these ideas abt money & power that seem antithetical to the stated goals of all of us but totally in line with our actions. it all makes me feel increasingly isolated & resentful that i am unable to change how i feel & live in this moment. it feels like i am back in high school with the part of my brain between my eyes aching yet unable to scream & cry. i know i am different now, but not enough, & not in a way that feels loved. i know that part of my problem is not having a large enough heart to love others first, but when i have not been extended kindness in ways that feel right to me, it is hard to step out & be generous to others who i know deep down will no reciprocate meaningfully. i feel stupid for having these desires that seem totally arbitrary & just make things harder for me (a masculine loving force, being treated as a queer femme by my friends & the respect that comes from knowing i have complex thoughts & emotions, codependency & mutualism in a way that may only be “unhealthy” because of how capitalist dynamics structure our interpersonal relationships) but i cant figure out how to change. i dont want to be uncomfortable & unfulfilled for the rest of my life. on the other hand, i now feel so much shame for wanting these things & pursuing these things in the way that i always have such as studying & licking the toes of elitism bc i understand that this is probably not a channel for me to truly gain comfort but a small part of me (& a huge part of the rest of the world) says yes, it really can be.

A review of june: 

kicked off the month with sherry leaving. we had our philly day trip to eat cheesecake in late may & then our trip to toronto where we met up with grace for a day & then on the last day we hung out until smth crazy like 4am & i sat on the pavement of our driveway & cried as they back up their cars and left. 

the next few days include hanging out w adele, going to hershey to visit alice, & hanging out w adele a little bit more before she left to go on vacation.

around the middle of the month, i did a lot of cooking & eating & sleeping at the correct time & trying to nourish away the emptiness that was slowly creeping in. i was also sewing a shirt with mom that we finished & it looks pretty cute. 

mom & i took many trips. after the weekend at hershey, we went to philadelphia just to eat & hang around, & we went to baltimore at the end of the month (just last weekend). we also went to stone valley/shavers creek & walked around.

around june 20th or so everything started to become a blur. i was/am working on the zine, sleeping at the worst hours, & feeling so empty inside. 

things on the immediate & horizon:

- i bought silkscreen supplies but have not set up a studio situation yet. i am trying to make smth that i am proud of first i guess.

- i am trying to illustrate a zine/comic but i have totally lost steam. i just want it to magically manifest as a finished product because idk how much i still believe in it in this moment of depression & fear it will never come to fruition. part of why i stopped was bc i started feeling like it was shameful to draw these things that i imagine could be a part of a wonderful life because other ppl could look at it & think abt how foolish & disgusting & simple i am.

- em shared these two articles which are rly fucking with me. i guess its comforting that they describe ugliness as smth that shouldnt be treated badly but they also do not have conclusions abt how to not treat ugliness as undesirability which fucks with me. its this strange rhetoric that undesirable people should be valued but maybe still remain undesirable? while acknowledging that value & desirability r unfortunately but definitely related. the more i think abt it the less sense it makes. esp bc i am struggling so much with feeling wholly & totally undesirable. i sent a msg to em today abt it bc they asked me how i am doing & i think it was too much bc they just liked it & didnt reply. 

https://leavingevidence.wordpress.com/2011/08/22/moving-toward-the-ugly-a-politic-beyond-desirability/

https://thebodyisnotanapology.com/magazine/how-to-be-fat-caleb-luna-sub/

- im supposed to have my wisdom teeth removed at the end of august & im pretty scared tbh. i have never had surgery, & there are multiple parts that are intimidating to me. i fear being totally not in control of my body being cut up & gouged & not having the choice rly to object because waiting can only make it worse, i fear the physical stabbing & poking & bleeding, i fear the recovery & the pain & indignity, & i also fear the part abt losing consciousness. i dont know what part of my anxiety keeps telling me that its the same as dying, that losing myself to a strange limbo is terrifying, & that framework even makes me suddenly afraid of sleep. on top of that, i am afraid of what i will say & do as i am coming back into consciousness because i think my base thoughts & emotions are not things that i would want mom to hear. 

- i am relearning dr. gradus & here is a section that i played today. ngl i practiced just these measures for the video but also i am rly beginning to string the piece together.