#( kind of a word vomit post but yeeaaaaaaaaaaaah )

[lostusagis]

Kamui's mental state

( This is all headcanons I came up with based off how I saw his character while watching Gintama. I wanted to go more in depth about it.

Anyway, everyone already knows I headcanon him having depression and anxiety, recently decided I'm adding BPD to that too after doing research. If I made any errors regarding it just lmk :)

Depression is something he struggles with a lot. Having a good day, then waking up the next day and feeling absolutely miserable. He gets frustrated by it, but to help him deal with it he will be clingy with someone he's close with or bother his sister just so he won't have to think about anything. If he's alone, he'll spiral badly and have a whole mental breakdown. That's how bad his thoughts can be. He tries hard to ignore them, but sometimes they win.

His anxiety can kick in really badly if someone he cares about gets hurt or sick. Boy, I wonder why? Oh yeah, flashbacks to seeing his mother sick in bed. In general, whenever he's depressed, his anxiety can also be really bad as well. He'll look really jumpy, unable to stay still, fiddling with his hands etc, etc. It really depends on how bad it is, but when he's anxious, he also sometimes does things that can harm himself. Like punching something to the point that his hands and knuckles are bleeding, or even scratching up his face. He's really strong too so these injuries aren't any joke. But self harm usually happens during mental breakdowns and panic attacks. It really depends on the situation though.

But yeaah. a reason why I say he has BPD..... Well, for one he's really nonchalant about dying. He's not scared of it, and on those really bad days he even actively wants it to happen. It has a lot to do with the hatred he has towards himself. Believing he could've saved his mother if he was stronger. Believing it was his fault. Whenever he thinks about that, he wishes he was dead to be honest. He hates himself so much over that, despite the fact that he was a child at the time and nothing could be done anyway. His thoughts tend to be really unreasonable.

He's really strong, so him getting killed in a fight is unlikely but a lot of the time he'll have thoughts like ''Would be nice if this guy killed me actually.'' and stuff like that. Death feels like an escape from all the thoughts constantly consuming his mind. He wishes it would finally happen one day. What's worse is that he keeps all of this to himself, he doesn't like letting anyone know how much he's suffering internally. You might get him talking about his mom, but everything else it's extremely unlikely he'll mention it. Sometimes he'll even be extremely distant too. He handles everything in really unhealthy ways, which is why his emotions always end up being pent up.

Sometimes his emotions are soooo pent up he'll lash out in anger too. Especially if something reminds of the past, or if someone tries to force him to open up.

Also, regarding relationships. He's definitely super sweet when in love but...... he can become incredibly emotionally dependent on his partner. Meaning that he'll lose it if he's not around them. He'll also get suuuuuuuper anxious if they end up upset with him. More likely than not, his partner also helps him to not think about those bad thoughts. Another reason he'll feel a desperate need to constantly be around them. He doesn't want to think about it, he just wants to focus on the object of his affections. Nothing else.

It's a constant for his mind to yell things at him like:

'You're worthless.''

''It's your fault.''

''You can't do anything right.''

''You deserve to die.''

And he's just really tired, he doesn't want to hear it anymore. But it doesn't stop, all he could do is try to ignore it by having something to distract him. Otherwise he'll be drowning in the feelings of worthlessness he's carried since he was a kid.

The feelings of worthlessness only seem to get stronger every time he ends up crying, because he feels weak and pathetic. He tries really hard to be strong, all the Yatos that follow him see him as strong and respect him for that. But when he cries, he feels like he lost all that strength. He feels like that weak little boy who watched as his mother got sicker and sicker and it drives him insane.

He has a lot of intrusive thoughts too. Not much of a surprise they usually involve murder. Sometimes he DOES kill just to feel better, sometimes it doesn't help though. Sometimes these thoughts involve him just disappearing without a trace, or even just..... killing everyone around him, including those he cares about (this isn't one he's actually acted on but sometimes he's gotten close. He's managed to control the urge though. )

Sighs, but yeah he's a fucking mess <3 )