#( interactions. ☼ ) nilay bailey.

[moshebehar]

― SETTING: chilled creamery stall, blue harbor pride ! ― AVAILABILITY: closed starter for nilay bailey ! ( @doctornilaybailey )

It was a good day; a simple observation with several meanings but Moshe was grateful for it all the same― their earplugs had made the noise and chaos of things more joyful than distressing and Nilay's presence at their side offered the same calm it always had― something they cherished, tucked close to their heart in the gentlest parts of them. Still, with all of the people around and the fact that they were at least seventy to eighty percent certain they'd been flirted with a truly baffling number of times ( which they'd tried to express in the face of Nilay clearly fighting her laughter until Moshe had grumbled something unintelligible and went about trying to find the ice cream stall ) - they were grateful to have a moment to breathe. They glanced at Nilay from the corner of their eye, fingers fiddling absently with a few of the newly gathered, rainbow rubber bracelets on their wrist, "Are you quite finished?" Moshe asked, the smile on their face softening the question entirely. "I think you might get more joy out of people flirting with me than I do, really. Or..." They trailed off, nose scrunching. "Honestly, I'm not even positive they were. Were they?"

[moshebehar]

"Hush, my love," Moshe murmured, the frustration that had propelled him to his feet dying a quiet death in the back of his throat as he held Nilay to him. He splayed his fingers where his hand rested against her back for a moment before he began to move― rubbing circles where his hand had settled as he listened to her speak. "You don't need to apologize, darling, you're alright." His voice cracked for a moment on the affectionate term and he forced himself to breathe, forced himself to focus on what Nilay was telling him rather than drifting a thousand miles away as his thoughts frantically ran through any way he might be able to help her. He could provide her comfort in that moment― he was certain of that― but when she left, when she returned to her own home, what could he do then?

He couldn't be there every moment of every day― as much as he might've wanted to be― and he was a hair's breadth away from losing his temper again with every sob she pressed in his chest. It felt a bit like he was being repeatedly bashed over the head with a bottle― sharp and aching in a way he couldn't help but feel; instead of focusing on it, he listened. He pressed another kiss against her temple and tried to keep himself steady― tried to give her a safe place to settle as he'd always done, as he intended to do for the rest of their lives.

He hesitated for a moment as he pulled away― his gaze dropped to his socks and settled there for longer than he might've liked but he was at a loss for words; he wanted to reassure her― god, he wanted nothing more than to promise her that everything would be alright in the end but that wasn't something he could promise. He couldn't predict where things would settle, as much as he hoped they would be fine in the end― it hurt not to know how to help, it hurt not be able to comfort his best friend in a way he felt reasonably confident in. Uncertainty had always clawed at him on his best days but never with Nilay― never with the one person in the world he imagined he understood better than anyone else. He exhaled slowly and smiled, hoped it reached his eyes as he leaned down to press a kiss to her forehead before he stepped away to go through the motions of making tea. "It'll be alright in the end, dove," He said from his position at the counter, glancing over his shoulder to look at her.

"I'm afraid I'm a bit clueless as to what's going on, though. Can you talk about it? Or is that... too difficult just now? I'm not going to push you either way but... well, I'm here. If you'd like to talk or if you don't want to. We can genuinely just sit and have tea and I'd be alright with that," he said, waving a hand absently as he parsed through the selection of tea he kept in the house and plucked two bags out when he was settled on something. "Take a few deep breaths for me in the meantime, please?"

Nilay winced at his words, how sharp his tone was after hearing her confession. For a moment, she couldn't look at him. Her gaze casting down like a child in trouble while she tried to remember how to breathe. Moshe has never been prone to anger. Even when they were children, he always carried such love and understanding within him. He'd been soft to her, both within their early days of friendship as children introduced to each other for the first time and even now as adults with nearly three decades of a lifetime together. But Moshe has also always been her fiercest protector. He knew that when they were children, before becoming a Bailey, that she hadn't received much love in her life. And the love she did receive, she lost. So she knew that by admitting to him the state of her health, he would become frustrated. "I-I'm sorry," she whimpered out. Finally, carefully, glancing back up at him. Eyes as dark as the banks of the Nile staring at eyes as blue as the Red Sea. Her heart only growing heavier as she watched him close his eyes and breathe for a moment. "I-I'm sorry, Bear," she whimpered again. Her voice becoming watery as she tried to bite back her sobs a moment longer.

Yet she couldn't hold it back any longer. She finally cried as he pulled her in, the curator clinging to him tightly as she hid her face in his chest. "I-I thought we'd get through it," she admitted. Her voice soft, weak, yet her grip only growing stronger. "I thought that... th-that we could work through it together. That it'd be only a few weeks and then we'd figure things out together. That we would get back to being a team. I didn't... think that we would remain like this." Strangers who barely lived together while having children together. Strangers who shared the same bed yet could hardly exchange a few words together most days now for months. A stranger that she was madly in love with, yet feared that he didn't feel the same way. It was heartbreaking to think about the couple they'd been a year ago and to then compare it to the couple they were now. It wasn't suppose to be this way. They weren't suppose to be this way. And she hated that they were.

As her best friend pulled away, she looked up at him. Breathing shakily before nodding. "Tea... Tea sounds good. I just..." Her bottom lip quivered before she looked down. Shaking her head before sobbing out, "I need you to tell me that everything's going to be okay. That Eli and I are going to be okay. That all the insecurities and fears in my head are wrong. I need... I need to know that the man I'm in love with is also in love with me." She searched his face for a moment. "I just want us back," she whispered. "I want him back, Bear. But I'm scared that I've never even had him in the first place." That he was Harrison's and always would be. And that Elijah prefers that, wants that, desires that. And after all: how could she compare to the ghost of his first love?

📜@moshebehar

[moshebehar]

» moshe's office @ bhu. with @doctornilaybailey !

It felt as though it had been a small eternity since he'd last seen his best friend― which wasn't exactly true considering they spoke every day in some manner or another; perhaps it was more accurate to say it had been a small eternity since their rather emotionally charged conversation in his kitchen― to note that the relief that flooded through him when she stepped into his office with a smile wasn't quite so out of place with that in mind. "Ah, there you are! I'm just finishing something up― I meant to, you know, be ready to leave when you arrived but time's gotten quite handily away from me," the professor admitted sheepishly. It wasn't unusual― not when he spent so much time in his office on campus to begin with, nor given the fact that he fixated on things so thoroughly on most occasions that he could let three hours pass him by and not notice it for even a moment. Still, it was easy to abandon his work just long enough to step around his desk and press a kiss to Nilay's cheek in greeting, "Give me... ten minutes? Our friend date will not go abandoned, I assure you!" He declared, a tad dramatically, offering her a boyish grin as he set about finishing up the rather lengthy email he'd been drafting when she'd entered.

[moshebehar]

Aside from the fact that they felt rather like they were breathing through a straw for as much as they were having trouble taking a full breath: Moshe felt remarkably clear headed; a change from the usual television static blur that seemed to overtake their conscious thoughts when they were in the midst of any episode related to their anxiety. Time and a not insignificant amount of practice had softened the worst of their day to day symptoms but they weren't immune to them by any means-- they considered themselves lucky, if anything, to have people in their life they could either openly work through the anxiety with or who would be there to keep their mind off of it if needed. Nilay, blessedly, had always filled both roles with remarkable deftness and Moshe made a mental note to articulate a proper thank you to their best friend when they felt capable of having a thought that wasn't a half-step away from a spiral they weren't prepared to deal with. They fought for another breath, closed their eyes― exhaled until there was no breath left in their chest before the slow articulation of the process helped ease them back to the present. They raised their hand to rub at their eyes and sniffed hard before they offered another shaky exhale to the balmy air and a smile to Nilay shortly thereafter.

"Sorry," they said softly. "I know I don't... need to apologize or anything but that hasn't happened in quite a while and certainly not with so many other people around to see it." They scratched at the back of their neck, successfully freeing the hair caught in the collar of their shirt before they sighed. "I suppose I'm just... worried? I've only been in one significant romantic relationship and it obviously didn't work out and that was gutting and I just―" Moshe paused, searching for words before they shrugged. "It makes me a bit sick to my stomach to think about all of that happening again and I'd hate to doom something before it starts but my mind sort of runs a bloody marathon without me before I can really wrap it around something half the time," they glanced over Nilay's shoulder towards the people wandering past the small corner of privacy they'd carved for themselves, "Maybe I'll have learned not to be quite so hard on myself by the time I sort out how I'm meant to ask Avery out without looking like a prat. Can we have a chat about something else? I just... need a moment."

"Hey," she said softly, standing up a little straighter and carefully leading Moshe to a quieter place. Seeing their best friend become agitated has always been a tough sight for her. Especially if she caused that agitation in the first place, no matter how unintentional it was. After all, she never wanted them to become overwhelmed or worked up; She just wanted to know why they felt so hesitant over pursuing something that could potentially be good for them or why they believed that they didn't deserve it in the first place. Though, then again, she wasn't exactly the best at believing she deserved good things to happen for her, either. For the past few years, she'd gotten better at it. Lately, though... It was becoming a struggle again. But in their eyes, and for as long as they've known each other, they've always believed that the anthropologist deserved great things. And, in her mind, she felt that Avery could be one of those great things.

"I understand, I truly do." Probably more than the other realized or knew. "But... And I need you to remember this... No couple is without their shortcomings and struggles. Same with me and Eli. Don't you remember how long it took for us to confess how we felt about each other and how I dated Isabel for awhile?" Searching their features, she shook her head. Forgetting all about her ice cream right now. "It's tough work, Mo. It's one of the toughest thing ever, but it's worth it. We chose to be together. We chose to give a relationship a try and every day, we are still choosing each other and being together. No matter how things are. Our relationship isn't perfect... But it's ours, and it's worth it. And I wouldn't choose anyone else to work this through." Her lips pressed together and she shook her head. "There's nothing wrong with you," she whispered. "I promise you that. And, if it helps any, I don't think you have to worry about any of that with Avery. You trying your best should be enough. But, if you need more time, then I support that. I don't want you to push yourself into something that you might not feel ready for. I just want you to be happy, Mo. You deserve that so much, no matter what that may look like."

📜@moshebehar

[moshebehar]

“I’m just—” They could hardly bring themselves to speak - though, admittedly, that might’ve had more to do with the slowly melting ice cream in their mouth than any of their lingering embarrassment. They’d never shied away from telling Nilay things— she was their best friend, their sister in all but name and the thought of telling her about anything related to whatever romantic situation they might have going on in their life wasn’t exactly worrying; not in the way nearly everything else seemed to be as far as their anxiety was concerned. Nilay was a safe person— the best person to discuss these things with, admittedly, and Moshe still found themself tongue tied as they tried to settle their thoughts; to drag them away from all of the self-deprecation they seemed to fall into so very easily. “I know I’ve been better about a lot of things when it comes to… getting to know new people and I wish I wasn’t so bloody awkward about it but I’d hate to…” They trailed off again, dragging a restless hand through their hair with a noise of frustration. “I know I haven’t got the world’s best opinion of myself, to say the very least, and I don’t want that to mess up getting to know someone I might really… come to care about?” Their mouth twisted into a frown before they sighed deeply and looked at Nilay with something terribly close to puppy dog eyes.

“How do people even do this? I mean, you managed it just fine with Eli and I can’t even tell someone I think they’re cute without falling to bits,” They grumbled, gesturing vaguely with one hand as if to punctuate their comment. “I’m thirty-bloody-four years of age and it feels a bit pathetic to not know what in the world I’m doing when it comes to all of this. Romantic things, I mean. Friends I seem to do… fine with, I suppose. I imagine I’m lucky all of you find all of my idiosyncrasies and such more endearing than not but goodness me.” They paused, an unkind, dreadful thought occurring to them before they glanced at Nilay again, their expression equal parts concerned and profoundly sad. “Sometimes I think there might be something wrong with me, but I know there isn’t and I know it’s fine that I struggle with these things but it’s… difficult, you know?”

"Well, someone has to see your brilliance. And it might as well be me if it's not you." She truly was biased. However, there was no harm in it. After all, after decades of friendship and loving the other like they were her own, she truly felt like it was right of her to be biased. Though, perhaps, her ways could be worked on. Become better. She just hoped that, eventually, Moshe would see themself the same way others did. That they would recognize that light inside them and realize it'd been him all along. And if she has to tease them and nudge them towards seeing that, then so be it. She would happily do so, no matter how long it took. Linking their arms and nudging them, she smiled gently. "Look... If you're interested in dating or anything, that's more than okay. You do what makes you happy. That's all I want for you, Mo. I promise."

Though, admittedly, there was a person that she thought they could be good with. That could help bring some happiness to their life. She just hoped that they'd be able to have that opportunity and that they wouldn't lose it. "Hey," she warned. Moving so that she could look them directly in the eye. "That's up for her to decide, okay? And by the look of things, she has." Avery certainly has made her mind clear for awhile now. She just hoped that Moshe would see that and work through his self-doubts. God, in many ways, they truly were two sides of the same coin, her and them. Yet, it was an honour, and she was proud of it. She'd been able to wise up and confess her feelings for Eli, leading to the past near three years together, consisting of a family and a life together. Maybe Moshe could have the same thing. "Spend more time with her. As often as you two can, be together. Get to know each other. It might be awkward at first, and I know how flustered you can get, but try to do all you can to talk with her. It doesn't necessarily have to be flirting, but it should help. Then... Things should naturally progress. I understand how scary it is; But it'll be worth it. It always is."

🌈@moshebehar

[moshebehar]

“I think you might be more than a little biased, dear,” Moshe said, adopting a nonchalant tone that was far more relaxed than the anxiety roiling in his stomach at the thought of trying to make themselves interesting or… enticing or something of the sort to another person inspired. They had, in the grand scheme of things, very little experience when it came to dating anyone at all— even flirting made them feel out of their depth in more ways than one and no amount of trying to socialize more seemed to make that easier to manage. It had certainly never done them any favors when it came to understanding most nuances of social situations— though practice and a great deal of silent observation had helped take the edge off of the vast majority of their anxiety; as had teaching, for that matter. Though even that seemed significantly easier than trying to process the fact that someone was interested in him in any way other than platonically. Their mouth twisted into a full on pout at the mention of Avery and Moshe fought to ignore the flush rising along his neck and settling into the tips of their ears before they shook their head hard and tried to speak several times without success before they huffed.

“That’s not— I mean, I don’t think— I’m not even—” They held their free hand over their face with a low groan and no shortage of embarrassment. “You know I’m not good at these things! I’m still baffled she’d even be interested and I have such a hard time even processing that she is— surely she could do better?” Their voice rose in a question that was, perhaps, unfair to themself and to Avery and Moshe found themself shaking their head again. “Ah, that’s not very kind to say. I can’t say I wouldn’t… want to pursue something. I just… haven’t the foggiest idea where to start, you know?” They paused to shove a bite of ice cream in their mouth before they glanced at their best friend. “Any advice, oh darling friend of mine?”

"Absolutely the hell not," she giggled. Now, if she knew that they were entirely annoyed and uncomfortable, she would stop in an instant. There was just some satisfaction to knowing that Moshe was worse at pinpointing when someone was flirting with them than she was. Of course, she hoped that one day they would get the hint and actually pursue things. Especially with a certain person who has been trying to flirt with the anthropologist for years now. "Trust me: they were flirting. Grade A flirting, if I'm being honest. Can't blame them either; You're a catch," Nilay lovingly nudged them, beaming up at her best friend. They were one of the best people she's ever had the pleasure of knowing. She knew that anyone would be lucky to be loved by them. "Thougggghhhhh... I suppose it is a good thing that you're so hopeless when it comes to flirting... I think Avery's heart would shatter completely if you flirted back with anyone else but her." She licked her ice cream nonchalantly before glancing back up at the professor. The corner of her lip smirking as she moved slightly out of arms length, snickering to herself. "I still can't believe you haven't pursued anything with her—She's absolutely crazy about you, Mo!"

🌈@moshebehar

[moshebehar]

"You what?"

Moshe prided himself on being a reasonably level headed person―he rarely lost his temper, rarely went into a situation without understanding exactly what was going on and even with his anxiety he could still manage most things and save any processing or overstimulation for later if he had the space for it. Nilay's admission made his spine straighten so abruptly he wondered if he looked ridiculous in the split second before his expression turned severe―his mouth twisting into a frown, his eyebrows furrowing deeply, his eyes narrowing for a fraction of a second before he forced himself to relax. He made a concerted effort to relax―felt his eyes flutter closed for a moment as he counted to ten and opened them again, watching his best friend with no shortage of concern as she continued to speak.

There was a burning sensation in his chest as he listened―as though he couldn't quite catch his breath― and he reached for Nilay almost on reflex more than anything else, stepping around until he could pull her into his arms and press a kiss to the crown of her help. "Oh, darling, why didn't you say anything to me before this?" There was nothing accusatory in his tone―a certain grief that hung at the back of his throat, perhaps―but nothing that he would hold against her. He'd loved her in his own way for the better part of his entire life and the ache in his chest was simply a testament to that fact. "What do you need from me? Do you want to talk about it? Do you want me to make you tea and we can chat about something else?" He pulled away to study her face as he spoke―forced himself to breathe so he wouldn't overwhelm her with questions and reminded himself that whatever she needed: he would find a way to provide it for her.

📜𝙽𝚒𝚕𝚊𝚢 𝙱𝚊𝚒𝚕𝚎𝚢 & 𝙼𝚘𝚜𝚑𝚎 𝙱𝚎𝚑𝚊𝚛

"I fainted at work today."

Nilay couldn't look at her best friend for a moment. Her words lingering in the air between them, becoming heavier with each passing second. Despite that being the reason why she came to see them, why she needed to spend some time with her fellow archaeologist, guilt coursed through her being. She was nervous about the other's reaction and what they might say. And she knew that it wouldn't help as she continued on: "I haven't been sleeping or eating properly for... weeks now. Things are... They're stressful at home." A pause, her lips pressing together. Her voice soon becoming quieter, "With Eli."

The admittance felt like acid on her lips. While she has confided in her best friend countless times before, especially to get a second opinion on things, she didn't want to tell them that things have been hard. That she's been struggling with insecurities again, that she wasn't feeling solid in her relationship, that she doesn't feel like she's on the right page with Elijah anymore. A good part of that was due to the fact that she felt guilty over the idea of airing out his dirty laundry to others, that it wasn't her place to nor did she want to risk someone judging him. But as her dark eyes finally glanced at Moshe's light hues, her shoulders sank. And so did the wall that she's been keeping up for months now. "He doesn't know that I fainted. I asked my coworkers not to tell him."

𓂀 𝚠𝚑𝚘: @moshebehar

𓂀 𝚠𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎: 𝚖𝚘𝚜𝚑𝚎'𝚜 𝚙𝚕𝚊𝚌𝚎 ; 𝚍𝚎𝚎𝚛 𝚙𝚊𝚛𝚔

𓂀 𝚠𝚑𝚎𝚗: 𝚊𝚞𝚐𝚞𝚜𝚝 𝟼𝚝𝚑, 𝟸𝟶𝟸𝟺