#( i've spent over a year of my life going to bed at 5am every day and waking up in the afternoon )

[shxwmaster]

// i start my first college english class tomorrow....

[nicohischier]

get to know me

tagged by: @hischiersjohnston thank you bestie

didn't tag anyone* due to my chronic fear of being annoying but pls snoop all you like

do you make your bed? no, i'm simply way too lazy in the morning to make my bed.

favourite number? 8! i was born on 8/8 so i guess the number just stuck out to me lol

what’s your job? i'm currently in that super fun period of being recently graduated with no prospects, no experience, and no network. also a lot of anxiety. i'm working on it.

if you could go back to school, would you? yeah. i still might go back in a few years to do education or something.

can you parallel park? once upon a time i could, but now i don't drive (classic lack of car woes) so i'm pretty comfortable in saying i can't parallel park anymore.

do you think aliens are real? yes, absolutely. i'm not saying i believe that there's a whole civilized society hanging out a few billion light years away, but the category of aliens extends into every living life form, no matter how insentient or microscopic. the universe is simply too vast for me to even entertain the idea that earth is the only planet or other celestial body capable of sustaining plant life or single cell organism or whatnot.

can you drive a manual car? no! tbh at this point it's been so long since i've drove period, that idk if i'm even allowed to say i can drive an automatic lmao

guilty pleasure? i cannot deny that i have spent money on genshin to get characters/weapons and while i fully acknowledge that i've given into the gacha trap, i spend responsibly and never in excess. it's a game i genuinely love and i do believe that adults are free to spend their money wherever they wish. some people buy cigarettes, i buy little anime characters.

tattoos? world's saddest no. i would like to get some tho, i'm just generally the type of person who gets super invested in something for a while and then drops it after a while, which includes tattoo ideas. right now i'm flirting with the cassiopeia constellation (name of my favourite kpop groups fandom), "we don't need the memories" which is a team motto from haikyuu, line art of a cat because i'm a cat person, and some others with personal significance. and some more fandom ones. but fandom ones are finicky so. shrug.

favourite colour? i do dearly love the colour red. also a big fan of taupe, which is. probably the most boring answer i could give. "oh yeah my favourite colour? beige." god.

favourite type of music? to the surprise of hopefully none of you, i'm a kpop fan. i also really love whatever genre of music guys like alexander stewart and lewis capaldi make.

do you like puzzles? yes so much! i got so into a puzzle the other day that i was up until 5am doing it like i fr just didn't notice how long i was doing it 😭

any phobias? i used to have such a bad fear of spiders. now it's just big ones that freak me out or ones that are on me. i'm working on getting over it though. bugs in general make me feel a bit sick to me stomach tho i won't lie.

favourite childhood sport? i used to be a gymnastics kid lol. was super into pro gymnasts for a little bit, but generally it was a sport i preferred actually doing.

do you talk to yourself? yes and it's so embarrassing because i fucking do it in public without realizing. one day i was in the bookstore talking myself through choosing a book to buy when someone turned the corner and was like "oh! it's just you!". that was almost my 13th reason i am so fucking serious.

tea or coffee? tea if it's hot, coffee if it's cold.

first thing you wanted to be when growing up? wanted to be a vet soooo bad. then i grew up and realized how scary chemistry and biology are and figured maybe i would leave that to the science brained people 😭

what movies do you adore? well my letterboxd top movies are inception, les miserables, the outsiders, and the old guard which is. sorta accurate. the first three are definitely true. i could slot miracle (2004), brokeback mountain, legally blonde, kingsman, etc. into my fave movies list over TOG if i'm being honest but. yknow how it is.

tagging: @sportsnet tyler do this or else.

[johnhawkens]

AMERICAN STANDARD SIZE TUBS SUCK or: HOW I ALMOST DIDN'T SURVIVE MY BATH

(Quick CW: minor mention of blood and very minor injury, some description of depression/anxiety)

Okay strap yourselves in for this one:

It’s 0500 or 5am. I had just spent the last 12 hours in some sleep fugue state from some medication issues trying to get my brain back on track. Nevermind the extremely vivid dreams that included training to be a samurai in some dude’s house, stealing slushies from some labyrinthine cafeteria/buffet in the underground of a hotel, flying with my arms and meeting the cast of Good Omens (I still have yet to watch it yet), and trying to contact Lupin III for help while a family laughs at me for failure to eat some rapidly melting chocolate cup thing; (And those are just the ones I remember) my body feels like it just got run over a dozen times.

As I'm debating if consciousness is really worth it at this moment, my adorable cat Truffles decides that she is insulted that I ignored her all day by sleeping and wants my attention right MEOW. I'm too sluggish to want to move, so she gives me a defiant nip and runs off. Ouch.

(she's lucky she's so darn cute)

So I haul myself out of bed to make sure she has food and water and immediately bash my toe on my chair, partially breaking my nail.

Double ouch!

So by the time I'm done helping her, it's understandable that I am dizzy, shaky, my mind is still foggy, I'm in pain, am ravenously hungry and dehydrated, and completely resenting my existence at this moment. I almost just give up right there and toss my carcass back into bed, but thirst drives me to throw on my robes and shamble out of my room like the crypid I am.

(Mothman has nothing on me)

I get some water from the kitchen and debate if I want to warm up the food my BFF got for me while I was dead to the world, or if I just want to shuffle back to bed and ignore life for a few more hours. However, I've also just spent the last 12 or so hours sweating intermittently in bed. (my temp goes even more haywire when I'm having med issues) No matter what I end up doing, I really want to wash up. I still feel pretty miserable, but I know it'll be worse until I'm at least clean.

I debate a shower when the sudden idea of a bath springs into my mind unbidden. I haven't had a bath for years. I consider it when depression decides to try to rear its ugly head. I remember clumsy past baths, body image issues, etc. I almost give up entirely right here.

No! I grit my teeth and fight it. I have extremely bad depression and anxiety as of late but I know if I let it constantly win at all the small things, how can I get back on my feet with the big things?

Bath time it is.

So first of all, my BFF is asleep. Her door is just one away from the bathroom and while she has the weekend off and is usually good once asleep, I don't want to wake her up. That means pulling both her door mostly closed as well as the bathroom door mostly closed and hoping it won't be too loud. (Only partially because her cats need to reach their litterbox or food in different rooms, and Truffles will want to make sure I'm still alive with all that water noise.) Her husband and our other roomate are awake downstairs, so I don't need to worry about them.

I take some medicine for my headache, put bactine on my bite and toe and start up the bath. While it's filling, I go back to the kitchen to get water and the BAWLS energy drink I got earlier. (Probably not the best to do on an empty stomach, but whatever.)

(I love joking about the fact I have to get two every time we go grocery shopping because I am very mature)

I even remembered to get a plastic cup from the kitchen to wash my hair with! (I was proud of remembering this detail) Back to the bedroom to get my phone so I can relax and watch Youtube or read some fan fic and I hustle back to the tub.

Remember the title?

I just needed to set the stage first, right? Things had been rough for the little bit I had been conscious. And here I was, about to settle in and feel accomplished.

I sort of did at first even. Climbing in, I managed to find a decent bit of water to soak in. Most baths really don't fit me (more on that in a bit), but it was alright, and I was prepared to enjoy it anyway.

This is what a typical bathtub looks like here, though most I've seen have a slant in the back for "resting" though I have no idea why they bother. Perfect for a kid, and I'm sure some people can fit alright in these. I, however, cannot.

Look up tubs online and you will see some of the most magical things out there. Massive jacuzzi tubs, couples tubs with bubblers, beautiful giant tubs that look like they were carved out of stone, or super high tech looking ones with lights all over.

If I ever can save up enough money in my life, I am getting a nice tub, or at least a nice soaking tub.

Now I know that I am a larger gentleman, and that certainly doesn't help, but I can barely sit with my legs folded and I've never had a bath actually cover my whole body, or even most of it. More than anything, they feel like convenient driptrays for showers. They are also terrible at heat retention! (This is extra irritating since many studies have shown that hot soaks serve so many health benefits, it's not even funny) So if you want your water to stay warm for any length of time, you better crank that dial up so that you can cook for a while until it's something more pleasant. (I know I'm a little bit of a heat baby, but it's worse when half of you is boiling and the other half is freezing) And I'm not just talking a little bit warm, I'm talking let's try to resemble a sulfur pool (not the nice spa resort ones), or just cut straight to volcanic lava.

(hey at least I'd know I'd fit here!)

A lot of tongue and cheek, and a hefty bit of complaining was really to add emphasis to what happened only about 5 minutes into the bath.

The water was already growing cold.

Now part of this was totally my fault. It'd been so long since I'd last had a bath I forgot how fast it cooled. So when I set what was pretty warm to me for a shower, I was inviting disaster. It didn't help that I forgot to bring in a different kind of soap, so I was stuck in lukewarm water with little chunks of moisturizing, exfoliating soap faeries and two little blood clot faeries from the noosebleed I had, had right before I entered. Not at all the relaxing bubblebath I was planning on.

But this could be fixed! A quick drain and I could refill and grab a different soap!

So I shuffle painstakingly slowly so as to not accidentally soak the entire bathroom floor and discover that I am just a bit too chubby to completely reach the drain easily. Ahh well, I'll just get out and do it that way!

Then I realize I have no idea how to haul my handsome flub out of this tub. The next couple minutes are spent in what had to be the most hilarious slow-motion (can't flood the room!) gymnastics in which I contorted every which way and slowly filled with dread that I might need to call for help. The prospect was not just humiliating, it meant calling my BFF out of sleep, or texting the husband downstairs. I'm a trans man so while I know none of them would be rude, this was going to be awkward at best.

(actual footage of me contemplating my impending doom)

However, I was filled with great determination and managed to haul myself onto my knees with only the tiniest bit of splashing and was able to shuffle around to face the drain. Now able to reach it much more comfortably, I turned to pull it open.

Nothing happened.

Okay, maybe I just forgot which way I had turned it and it was more complicated than just pulling. I know shower dials are complicated affairs, so maybe this was similar.

Nothing happened again.

I tried turning all over, I tried yanking, I tried turning /and/ yanking, I tried thinking at it very strongly and tried yanking even harder!

Again nothing happened. My headache was returning...

I began to feel a sense of exhaustion and despair. I tried again and again and started to berate myself internally for even trying a bath. For five minutes of lukewarm soaking, I was now tired from my water ballet, sore, still not clean yet, (I forgot it's best to kind of shower first then soak when you're less grungy) and I was facing a half full tub while hungry and cranky.

I couldn't be on my knees any longer since they were getting to cramped. I had to perch on the edge of the tub and kept at it for another ten or so minutes. At a few points I swore I could see a little space under the drain head, so I figured that maybe it was just very slow and I marked an old scar on my leg to compare water level by and waited.

Still. Friggin'. Nothing.

I had a headache, was hungry, still slightly out of it from my day of recovery sleep, and was feeling pretty miserable at this point. I tried looking up some solutions on my phone. Oh! Maybe it was clogged! One guide recommended using a plunger. Welp, if I used that I certainly needed to be out. I tried the plunger a few times and nothing changed. Or rather one thing had! The water was now absolutely gross between the soap, blood, and now possibly some remnants of plunger waste. So if I was going to ask for help, I needed to get some of that water out so they didn't have to touch so much of it.

So I slap on my robes, shuffle out grumbling under my breath and found a big enough plastic tub to help. I shuffle back, heaving the quietest of heavy sighs (my roomate is still asleep), and I start scooping out the water into the toilet for the next 5 or so minutes.

Sweating, exhausted, I finally message the husband on discord and ask him if there's some magical trick to this tub. He admits it had been ages since he'd last used it as a tub and says he'll be right up.

(Oh you hellish little monster)

Husband arrives and starts trying everything I did. I may not have the greatest upper body strength, but it quickly proves that strength isn't the issue. He chuckles and says that he remembers having an issue like this when he attempted a bath about a year ago and had simply avoided baths in this tub ever since. Finally he asks for a butter knife from the kitchen and we strike up chatter while he pries.

"I had headphones on so I couldn't hear anything specific, but I kept hearing all these thuds upstairs." He chuckled. "I knew it wasn't from the kitchen and it didn't just sound like footsteps so I was beginning to wonder if you were okay."

I couldn't help but laugh at that. The idea of me flopping around like a seal out of water and then the dozen or so times the toilet automatically flushed as I poured water into it must have sounded quite confusing. Now we've both worked overnights, so the time wasn't that odd to us. But I've tried to stick to more daytime-ish living to make sure I didn't wake my BFF, could spend more time with people, and generally didn't try to tromple all over the house. He adds that American bathtubs just suck and I agree wholeheartedly with him.

And then, the sweetest music came to us. An unmistakable sound.

DRAINING WATER

Turns out the little plastic or rubbery rim of the drain cap had become hyper sealed to the bottom part. It was starting to lift, yes. But the water pressure was so powerful, it was preventing anything from going down the drain and additionally not allowing it up high enough to change the pressure so it /could/ drain. I don't know all the science, or even all the right words to use. But the fact is, it worked and the tub finally fucking drained.

We shared a laugh and he told me not to worry about it, that it was definitely something up with the drain and nothing I had done. (I think maybe I accidentally made it worse with the plunger, but I'm not sure and the problem was at least there before it) I thanked him, he headed out to wash and get back to gaming and I finally had a working drain.

So I took a fucking shower.

Struck by how amusing this ultimately was in retrospect and needing to sit for a few before I thought about food, I decided that I needed to write out this story so I could just link it to friends and let them laugh with me. At least that would soothe my frustration.

Just for good measure, I had a much better intro, but Tumblr erased it all somehow while I tried to move the window and I had to start all over.

TLDR: American standard sized bathtubs suck, medication snafus / depression / anxiety sucks, and butter knives are the heroes of the day.

I give you the hero of today, my good people

[justtrying-studyblog]

The Meaning of Life & Other Discoveries at 18

Hey, it's been a bit, hasn't it? I've thought about updating sooner, but frankly, my life was turned upside down and I never knew just how to phrase everything that has happened. Not to say that I feel ready now, but I need to tell you guys.

I'm not going to Keele University (school in England) anymore.

It's weird for me to say, part of me feels ashamed. As though it were my fault as if this just proves that I truly am a failure. As if the other shoe has finally dropped. However, in reality, it just wasn't the right choice.

I had a lot of worries from the beginning about that school. It took them a month after my IB results were posted to finally access them and tell me I wasn't accepted into their forensic science program. It broke my heart, to be honest. I had never truly failed at something like that before, never had someone tell me straight out no for something I've worked my butt off and have been praying for. However, they did accept me into their law program, where I would be studying law and criminology. Handy dandy, right? Forensic scientists still need some law background to really succeed, right? However, it was law in a country that I don't live in, and don't know if I want to spend the rest of my life in.

Nevertheless, I accepted and started getting ready for the school year. Emails were being sent almost daily filled with questions, pleas for reconsideration, and the occasional update request. Because, within a month of being accepted, I still had not received an IT account, student email, or any visa information. I hadn't even gotten any responses to my emails asking about them.

Flash to a week before, I had tickets booked, bags packed, bid my farewells to everyone, and was panicking because I still did not have a visa nor an IT account. A week before I left, I finally received the information to apply for a visa, and promptly submitted my application, however, it was Friday, and all centers to get my fingerprints for the visa were closed. This was the last step and the end was in sight, but there was a BRP shaped hole between me and it.

To say I was stressed is an understatement. I spent every night panicked, crying, and trying to convince myself that I did want to study law and that this was the right choice for me. Unfortunately, they also had a horrible call center and they always seemed to be closed (especially with the 7 hr time difference). So, I stayed up late three days before my trip (it was previously the weekend) to contact them.

I was binging Great British Bake Off while waiting for their call centers to open so that I could finally sort out everything. Come 4am, I'm not able to get a hold of anyone since the department I needed didn't appear to have working phones for some reason. My sleep-deprived, anxious self then receives an email that just broke me.

We cannot do anything, you will have to sort it out on your own.

I snapped, I was exhausted and more stressed than I have ever been in my life and I just broke down in my living room at 4 in the morning. My parents came downstairs and helped me calm down and they talked through a solution with me, and at 5am I went to bed, a single thought echoing in my mind.

"I don't want to go"

It's scary. You're expected to figure out your entire life's path at just 18. You get advice from everyone; parents, sisters, teachers, and friends who all think they know best, but in the end, it's on you. And after having your hand held your entire academic career and being told exactly what to do, this is a very daunting task.

Especailly when you feel as though you've chosen wrong. One thought that kept circulating in my head is that this was my first decision in my adult life, and I can't seem to get it right.

Although, despite this decision being yours to make, I do recommend talking things through with someone you value the opinion of. For me, that's my oldest sister. We sat down the next day and she asked me why I wanted to go. When I couldn't answer, she asked me why I would be paying all that money to go somewhere to study something I don't even care for. And then, it all made sense. I wouldn't.

All this fear of making the wrong choice. Of feeling like no matter what I did, I'd be disappointing someone. And in the end, I had to stay true to what I want, why I want to continue learning, and what I want to learn. The next day, I sent out an email to Keele withdrawing my application and started my search for a school that will answer my calls, let me study what I want, and not make me stress beyond belief.

It's tough, I'll admit. Part of me is ashamed to not be in school now and watching all my friends make a new life for themselves in their respective schools. I never imagined this path for me.

But I'm starting to think that's the secret of life. You can't anticipate what's going to happen next. Sure, you can make plans and have a general idea, but it never truly works out that way, does it? I mean, I never imagined my senior year would be taken over by a global pandemic, or that I wouldn't be studying straight out of high school.

Life doesn't go how you expect it to. No one controls it's path, we merely learn to walk it.

This isn't how I expected my life to go, but that doesn't mean it's wrong. It just means I'll have more to tell years from now. And that also doesn't mean my life is immediately better, I'm now back at step 1 of finding a university, but now I have the hindsight to not settle, and to go for what I want, not what I am expected to want. University is a journey, and man, if this is the beginning, I can't even imagine what's about to come. So, for now...

✨Stay safe and take a deep breath, you're where you're meant to be✨

[kyunsies]

MADCH MADCH <3

hello fam - I've had a weird day, I'm super happy I can take the time out to reply to you. always thinking of you though, I hope you're always having a great day. today's been a bit of a non day - a family member has to deal with operations and that's on top of me too so i've just felt a bit winded in life?

YES to you finally conquering that damn cold! do you feel properly replenished now? omg i hate sore throats too - okay i hope this doesn't give you nightmares but when i was a kid i saw a documentary about this terrible disease that manifests at its worst a bit like alzhemiers but it can hit anyone of any age and for the majority of people who get it... one of the first symptoms is a sore throat and i have literally lived in terror of sore throats ever since. but luckily it's a very rare disease. so basically, yes, i understand you.

OMG you know when you're like eight and you don't want to sleep and you're like no i will adult and stay up and it will be glorious - i'm like, CHILD YOU FOOL you could have gone to sleep XD and ugh no responsibilities?! i remember working most of the time when i was a kid and i kind of wish i had wreaked havoc? what was your childhood like? did you get to do lots of fun stuff? i know my mum wishes she had been able to spend more time with me when i was a kid and i'd like to have a family and i'd love her to be able to relax and just spend time with her grandkids? OMG well when you come to europe let me know and then i can show you around and give you a hug in person!

so we're mainly cofe here though cahtolic culture is still big and honestly i'm with you. like religion can be a great influence on you if it's not used in nefarious ways and can help you learn so much - like even if there are things you don't end up agreeing with at least you learn about then so you can make a choice for yourself as opposed to not really knowing anything? agree - people that are really boastful totally put me off, i just can't deal with it at all. but you're right, like it makes us so so hard to forgive ourselves for anything right? like, even if we've done nothing wrong and we shouldn't have to punish ourselves? like i swear i'm apologising for everything haha XD once someone pushed me off the tube and i ended up apologising like ON REFLEX? hasjdkahds XD but i really hope you have people around you that keep bigging you up too! if not i will keep bigging you up :D :D so you know that you are worth it.

i'm sorry you're not looking forward to your final year of uni! think you're almost there though - like this is the final stretch and you'll have like conquered everest you know?! and even if your landing at the end of it isn't as perfect the fact you landed at all means so much and that means you can stand up again and keep going! day at a time and moment at a time you know? i kind of had this moment today (hence my wierd day) when i was worry about everything and i literally sat there like - have i made the right choice and done the right thing and surely i've made the wrong choices in my life and do i actually have any talent cause if not people would actually like my stuff and i had to just be like... a moment at a time sometimes you know? like, just bit by bit and don't sweat the stuff you don't have to? idk i find it hard to do but i hope that helps you - like you'll surmount every little thing bit by bit and before you know it you'll have made it! you were born ready you were <3 <3

TINY SQUAD IS GO! the pant dilemma is truly a massive issue, like IDK how to deal OMG OK SO LAMPSHADING is like when you do big baggy like tops and then like leggings or tights or something skinny on the bottom so... you look like a lampshade? like i guess it makes you look cute and then also it's such an easy way to dress without worrying if you look like a kid that's wearing your mum's clothes?? ahsdjakdhsa XD

AHHHH YES BASIL ME TOO!! what scent did you end up buying? i'm sure it was lush - are your parents near you or is it like a massive special occassion to get to see them? YES agree with your take on musk though! like it feels like idk, something a 50 year old with a cigar in a stuffy country club would wear? like, there's no energy to it but not in a chill mellow way either??! like even if i was going to a dinner thing I would still rather not wear something musky? like i'd still rather it be something a bit sweeter? also like some musk perfumes can be SO STRONG? like i'm like - my nose is choking on this perfume XD

YES BLUE MOON SQUAD AAAAA it is literally one of their finest ever, it's always stayed on my top faves list by them. like ugh yes to the lofi stuff sometimes i just wanna VIBE and be in my feels but not so much i'm too angsty but enough that I'm FEELING feels ya know? what did you think of kiss or death? it really wasn't that kind of vibe but yh i hope they do more lofi jazzy stuff - also cause like not a lot of korean groups play with that sound a lot?

hello mädch's mom as always! nerer apologise for being late, always just happy to hear from you and i hope you are super super well and looking after yourself first and foremost! more than anything <3 (also i take ages to reply too ya know and omg this is so so long ahsdjakhdaskjdh)

love you lots and lots and lots xxxxxxxxxxxx

ANGEL ANGEL !!!!!!!! <3 i know i'm really late to this LKDFJS i've had such a busy week getting some overtime in and then visiting my grandparents' house so i didn't really have a lot of energy to reply to all of this BUT IM HERE AND i can finally give u a good response <3

firstly is your family member okay??? i hope so ;____; how was the rest of your week, and how was your weekend angel? i hope u were able to enjoy your weekend and that everything is okay in the family <3

but YEAH my mom and i are over the stupid cold ;_____; i hate colds,,,, they last way too long lol like i say i know the flu is a little more serious than a cold but i would rather have it for a day or 2 than being stuck feeling lousy for a whole week :( ALSO SLDKFSJDFKLJ OH GOD SEE we are both hypochondriacs ( that's not the best trait to have as a nursing major lol ) but tbh i'm really curious about this rare disease ????? :o sounds really scary tho goodness gracious i wonder what it could be ;____;

also god i was always awful at staying up late as a kid LOL but i know what u mean !!!!!! honestly there was only one time i can recall i had a sleepover with my friend in like the 3rd grade and we tried pulling an all nighter so i think we made it to like 5am but i had to go to bed omg i felt like such garbage LKDSFJ </3 it's just funny bc like as u get older u realize that staying up late is really nothing special and if anything u feel like a train hit you the next morning and adults are so sleep deprived as it is we just *try* to prioritize sleep SLDKFJSDKLJF :') you worked a lot as a child bub?? what kind of things did you do? i didn't start working until i was 15 bc most places here don't allow u to work until this age (unless you're in a family business i guess lol) but all the jobs i had in high school i hated so much ;_____; but my childhood? i would say it was relatively normal LOL like we say all the time i've had a single mom so life was really stressful for her but i always felt loved <3 i always had my mom <3 and we took trips to the beach with my family every year, it was our little tradition !! i went to san diego to visit disney, you know little trips here and there !! and then when i got into my sport and i started getting older my mom and i spent a lot of time and money investing into my sport so most of my weekends consisted of a lot of tournaments and driving far away for me to compete :') i do remember when i was really young like in kindergarten my mom's work was really far away from my school and we had a recital ; i was the "host" where i would introduce all of the songs and stuff and my mom didn't get off of work until like 6 and by the time she made to my recital, it was over :( she told me she cried a lot that night :( i don't remember her doing this (i don't even remember the recital all that much lol) but now that i'm older and i understand more about adulting, i'm sure she was so devastated thinking about it now :( anyways about visiting europe LOL I WILL DEF GIVE U A CALL AND LET U KNOW SO U CAN SHOW ME ALL OF THE COOL PLACES <333333

and about the religion ....... yes ;____; i think it's a great thing if a family decide that they want to do this when they're families; i hope to continue to practice it (even tho we aren't regularly going to church at all hhhh gotta work on that) but there is something about catholic guilt specifically that just makes it soooo hard to like, be easy on yourself? but ,,,,,, i guess it keeps me grounded :( in a self depreciating way ??? LDSKFJ I KNOW U UNDERSTAND ... it's weird for me to put into words ;____; and YEAH :( i think i'm getting a little better at this but i used to apologize all the time for things i never needed to be sorry for hhhh (still do) :')

and yes babe honestly i'm really terrified to start uni :( i think i have this weird anxiety issue i've had it ever since last year but i don't know why i'm so scared and anxious about things that haven't even happened yet ;____; are u like this too? is it normal? i wish i knew :( i guess i won't really feel better until i have made it to graduation, but i just want to do well this year. whatever i do, whether it's exams, or clinical rotation or my preceptorship, i just want to do well ;____; i don't want to do poorly, i want to make my mom proud and i want to work at a place i'll be excited to work at, and most of all i just want everything to work out ,,,, i wish someone could just sit me down and say listen i know what you're going thru is hard but you CAN get thru this and EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS bc no one in my family is in the health sciences (besides my cousin who is studying to be a doctor but she doesn't give a shit about what i do lol) so ;_____; yeah ,,,,,,,,,,, lots of anxiety and apprehension of the unknown :(

LSDKFJSD FOKAY NOW I KNOW WHAT LAMPSHADING IS LMAOOOOOOOOOOO yes i wear those clothes on lazy days LOL the thing is i'm really picky about the length of my oversized crewneck sweaters hhhh the can't be too long bc if it goes below my butt i look like i'm wearing rags LOL so i have to be careful :') but most days i do like, reverse lamp shading lDLKFJSDLKFJ i like wearing flowy pants with a more tight top or like baggy jeans with a tighter shirt or a blouse i can tuck into my jeans LOL but omg its so funny i didn't know what that was :') thank u for the explanation my love <3

OKAY BUT HALF THE REASON I DIDN'T RESPOND IS THAT i was saving this weekend to go to the jo malone store in my mall and !!! I GOT A NEW SCENT AND I'M IN LOVE WITH IT SO MUCH BABE ;____; you have to go smell it if you go there soon and tell me what u think !!!!!! it's called wild bluebell (here is the scent description lol) but the guy behind the counter helping me was soooo amazing and helpful like they really do treat u the best at the store and AH i’m so happy with my purchase <3 my wallet isn’t so much LDSKFJ but nonetheless i know i’ll have it for a long time :)

KISS OR DEATH !!!!! i actually really enjoyed it lol i have seen some ppl not really like the rapping so much but i loved it ;____; i’m super biased obviously LOL but gosh i thought they were all great and minhyuk + hyungwon killed the song for me <333 wouldn’t expect anything less from our monstas !!!!! and my mom is sending her love lol i tell her the work u do and she’s always wondering how ur doing :(((( same for my moots she always asks me about 2 in particular LOL she’s always asking me <3 i love u so much bubbie !!!! iM SO SORRY FOR BEING LATE MY LOVE again i always just want to give u a quality response <3 i love u the absolute most and i hope u had a great weekend !!!!!!! this is my last week at work before i have a week long break before i head for uni so :’) can’t believe i’ve done all this LOL :’) i will be happy to hear from u whenever u come back hun !!!!! TAKE CARE LOVE U <3