#( anyway pals! make sure you take breaks on here and remember to go get some of that fresh oxygen )

[in1-nutshell]

Bot Buddy the single parent with Optimus Primal, Rattrap, and Silverbolt

SFW, Platonic, Familial, Cybertronian reader

BW

Buddy needed a break. They had been running on fumes for the past couple of days. From the stress of the Predacons to their regular duties as a parent and teammate, everything was becoming too much. And if they didn’t do it soon their team was going to have an intervention. They didn’t want to go through that one again like last time.

But the world doesn’t stop when one is a single parent. Luckily, they had help.

Optimus Primal

The second-best babysitter on this list.

He has a calming effect on the sparkling so they don’t cause too much trouble.

Primal while he is the leader of the Maximals, he also wants to help the others when they need it.

He is glad that Buddy has finally decided to take a break, he is more than welcome to take care of the sparkling.

“Are you sure that this isn’t a problem? I could always ask Silverbolt.”--Buddy

“Yes, ask Silverbolt!”--Silverbolt

“No, you’re on patrol duty today with Blackarachnia—”--Optimus

“Never mind, patrol duty it is!”--Silverbolt

“Anyways, thank you Primal. I’ll see you in a little bit.”--Buddy

“Take your time Buddy, we are here to help.”—Optimus

If the sparkling is restless, there is a good chance that Primal will bring them on a small trip outside the base in his jetpack. That always gets the kid giggle and tuckered out.

As the sparkling gets tired Primal will hold them close to his chassis as he continues doing his work. More than likely the sparkling falls asleep with a death grip on the leader’s arm.

Primal refuses to move the little one so he finishes the rest of his work with one arm.

When Buddy comes back to take the sparkling Primal tells them that they weren’t trouble and to remember that if Buddy does need to take another break, he and some of the others are more than willing to help Buddy out.

“Thank you again Primal. I hope they weren’t that much trouble.”--Buddy

“Not at all, and remember don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it, okay?”--Optimus

“Noted Primal and thanks.”—Buddy

Rattrap

He is the last on the list. Not that he is the worst though, he is a good babysitter. One of the best on the team, he just falls short on this list.

The only reason he volunteered to babysit was to make sure Buddy was rested enough so he didn’t have to go on patrol with Dinobot again.

That’s the story he tells everyone at least.

He is glad Buddy understands their limitations and is willing to help his pal.

“Now while I like the Tike and all, why me? Why not ol’ lovesick puppy over there?”--Rattrap

“Yes—”--Silverbolt

“Silverbolt you are recovering from that ambush from yesterday. There is no way I’m letting the little one potentially undo your progress.”--Buddy

“But—”--Silverbolt

“No ‘but’s’ Lover boy. Now give me the kid.”--Rattrap

Now Rattrap knows that smaller bots can cause a ton of trouble. He has caused the Predacons tons of helmaches from his antics. So, he is preparing for the sparklings arrival. The sparkling keeps him on his toes the entire time he is playing with them.

When the sparkling gets tired Rattrap, after he makes sure no one is watching, rocks the sparkling back and forth until they fall asleep.

Rattrap takes this time to catch some z’s himself.

Does the sparkling escape his grasp while he is taking a nap? Yes, yes, they do.

But he made sure that his room was sparkling proofed and had a silent alarm that would alert him of the sparklings movements. He is up and ready to catch the little one.

When Buddy comes back to get the sparkling, Rattrap has most of the sparklings this ready. He keeps some of the stuff in case he has to babysit again. He makes sure to tell Buddy to let the little tike take a nap before babysitting duties again.

“The kids gonna be a natural escape artist when they get older.”--Rattrap

“Part of me hopes not.”--Buddy

“Yeah… but I do have the placed decked with cameras if that gives ya something to think or something...”--Rattrap

“Thanks Rattrap. I mean it.”--Buddy

“Yeah, yeah, don’t get soft on me. You owe me some patrols to make up for the one’s with Scalebelly.”--Rattrap

“Sure thing.”--Buddy

“I am right here!?”--Dinobot

Silverbolt

He is number one on this list.

He is ready for the sparkling.

Silverbolt almost takes the sparkling from Buddy’s servos when they ask him for help.

“Hey Silverbolt, do you mind looking after—”--Buddy

“FINALLY—I mean of course!”--Silverbolt

Silverbolt has everything ready for the sparkling.

They want to play a game? He knows the sparklings top 3 games they like to play.

They want to get out of the base for a bit? He already knows the perfect places to fly around.

They want a story? How about the time he met Blackarachnia for the first time, that one always puts the to sleep.

When the sparkling does start falling asleep, he has his room with soft blankets and pillows for the sparkling to take their nap while he watches them vigilantly. That sparkling is not leaving that room without him knowing.

When Buddy comes back to take the sparkling, Silverbolt is laughing with the sparkling who is in a mini carrier strapped on his chassis. For the sake of both, Buddy takes a longer break.

“Hey I’m back—”--Buddy

Silverbolt and the sparkling laughing and just having a great time before noticing Buddy in the room.

“…I don’t want to spoil the fun, but if you want to have them for a bit longer—”--Buddy

“YES—I mean if you don’t mind.”--Silverbolt

“Not at all. I think I could go for a longer break.”--Buddy

[f10werfae]

Eyes Wide Open

pairing: Ari Levinson x Reader / Ex!Chris x Reader

Summary: After Chris cheated on Y/n, she falls into the arms of the local grumpy beefy mechanic, her new man Ari Levinson (Part 2 to blinded by lust)

Requests are open💌/likes, comments and reblogs are appreciated♥️

Chris Masterlist, Full Masterlist, Taglist form

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

It’d been 4 months since Y/n had seen Chris, having asked her friends to collect her things from his house, he was already out of sight out of mind. In fact sweet sweet Y/n had caught the eyes of another man, the town’s leading mechanic, Ari Levinson.

It was not known around the town what happened to Chris and Y/n, but they all definitely knew it was over when they saw Y/n spending all of her free time with her grump of a boyfriend, who only seemed to show any grain of happiness around her. She had him wrapped round her pretty finger.

“Sugar how are ya so perfect?” Ari said looking at his girl who was sitting on a hood of a car he was fixing, his harms on either side caging her in. His eyes trained on her reddish lips as she wiped the sweat and grease off his forehead. “Hmm I dunno, why are you so goddamn handsome?”

Thankfully with her left leg now fully recovered Y/n was able to go any and everywhere with Ari. You best believe before that he carried her everywhere, needing his little support bunny with him. “Why ain’t you sharing bun? C’mon and give me a taste”

Dressed in a white tank top and work trousers, the bigger beefier man opened his mouth, watching as Y/n shyly took her lollipop out of her mouth and put it in his. When Y/n first told Ari why she was single in the first place, that man saw red and not the pretty kind. How could someone absolutely break his woman? She was so delicate and fragile at the time that it broke his heart too.

“Does it taste good?” Y/n asked, her eyes twinkling at the strong sunlight from the open top roof, not complaining when she saw how her boyfriend was now getting a very luscious tan. “Yeah baby, tastes like you” He winked bending back down with his wrench to continue what he was doing.

“Excuse me, any service here?” A strong Bostonian voice said, one that Y/n could remember for the rest of her life. Not for the good reasons either “fuck I missed this” “Your pussy feels so good” Things she heard him say to another woman

“What’s up pal?” Ari said not even looking at who it was and wiping his hand onto his cargo trousers, his eyes sharpening when he finally realised who he was talking to. Chris stood there all smug, the breakup didn’t break his heart but it definitely broke his character. Around town everyone knew that he now tended to carry an attitude with him, feeling full of himself once he realised he was being shipped back off to Hollywood anyway.

“what do you want?” Ari spat out more harshly, Chris lifted up his hands in defeat,

“Jus wanted to speak to Y/n here, one last offer baby”

“What do you need with My woman” Ari said standing in front of Chris’ view of Y/n, who was still sitting on the hood of the car shocked to the roots.

“I’m off to film another series, and i’ll be gone this time, for a year or two. N’ I just need to know if this is us over, for real? If not I have an extra ticket here waiting for you, I can supply you with everything you want, unlike some people-“

“What’s that supposed to fucking mean big shot, just because-“ Ari lunged forward, only for a pair of arms to wrap around his chest to pull him back into her body.

“It’s over Chris, you can shove that ticket up your ass and leave, make sure you don’t accidentally give it to some other girl on the way out though” Y/n said passive aggressively, looking the other man up and down, a sense of disgust taking over her.

“Whatever you were an easy fuck to keep around for a while anyway, goodluck with that one Levinson, she wouldn’t even wanna settle down with me and we were together for ages. She doesn’t know what a man needs and wants in life, who knows maybe she can’t even have child-“

And that was it, Ari had lunged successfully this time, throwing one hell of a punch onto Chris’ face knocking him down onto the ground instantly. “You don’t talk about my woman, or any woman like that. Didn’t ya mother teach you any respect? Guess not. Now fuck off to wherever the fuck you’re going to”

Ari said turning around and heading back over to Y/n who was just staring at Chris who had now walked out of the mechanic shop, holding his hand to his definitely broken nose.

“You okay sugar? When you said he was a dick I didn’t realise how much a one”

“Are you okay? Your heart is pounding Ari, calm down you know i’m only yours, I’m not going anywhere. His words mean nothing”

“I know that sweet pea, but Jesus when he started talking about you like that I near killed him” Ari breathed out leaning his head onto her shoulder, her fingers running through the back of his hair to calm him down. His lips pressing multiple small kisses to her neck, causing her to laugh out of tickles,

“Ari stop it you big bear, you’re gonna make my stomach hurt”

“hmm n’ we can’t have that can we?”

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

2 Years since Chris had set foot back in town, and don’t get me wrong he was as successful as ever, but that didn’t change people’s opinions of him already. Walking into the local park to walk Dodger, Chris swears he near chokes on his coffee when he sees Y/n.

Not alone.

He’s surprised to see her with Ari’s arm around her waist, with him whispering into her ear, making her giggle and place a kiss onto his lips. A baby sitting against her hip, a baby boy, he thought wrong about her settling down.

Ari’s hand slips down to support Y/n’s clearly enlarged stomach, before bending down to kiss his son’s head, when his eyes suddenly meet Chris’. Both men nodded at each other without another word, Chris went on with his walk with a pang in his heart.

He was the one that wanted all that with Y/n and now she was the one that had it, and he still had no one. Heading back to the coffee shop, his friend Luke behind the counter looks at him confused, “Dude what the hell happened, you was in here ten minutes ago”

“I-I saw Y/n”

“Glowin ain’t she? Archie is the absolute cutest lil thing, did ya see she’s pregnant again? Swear Ari always says he can’t keep his hands off his wife-“

“Wife? They got married? When?” Chris asked furrowing his brows

“Man it was like a year and a half ago? Tell ya what match made in heaven-“ Before he could even finish his words Chris stormed out of the coffee shop,

“Dude you know he’s still into Y/n” Another worker said handing Luke dried glasses,

“I know but he fucked up, doesn’t mean I can’t talk about how happy I am for her” Luke said watching his friend storm down the street, back to his lonely home where no one was longer waiting for him.

———

Taglist Tags (Form is up there^^): @ilovereadingfanfics @patzammit @pandaxnienke @stormcloudss @vrittivsanghavi @dumb-fawkin-bitch @chrisevansdaughter @marvelgurl @cevansgurl @evanstanwhore @mirikusashes @taramaria @fdl305 @mysticfalls01 @hallecarey1 @misshale21 @mischiefsemimanaged @thereisa8ella @uwiuwi @bval-1 @diyabhanushali1 @angelmather1 @lastwandastan @ravenhood2792 @feltonswifesworld87 @bluebellsn @mdpplgtz03 @alexxavicry @alina02 @bookfrog242 @roofwitty779 @aerangi @s-void @oliviah-25 @nikkitc0703 @meetmeatyourworst @girl-of-multi-fandoms @imboredat2am @mansaaay @adoreyouusugar @annajustwrites @emvebee @ilovetaquitosmmmm @caps-shield1918 @xoxokiaraaxoxo @royalwriteroftheuniverse @inlovewiththefictionalcharacters @chrisevansangel @tinyelfperson @madebylilly @bxdbxtxh15 @tojisbabymomma @itsaylayay1213 @kimhtoo17 @mrspeacem1nusone @hatsparkle @wintasssoldier

[theshimadaslovers]

IBA - INSPIRED BY ART

(BLACKWATCH X YOU FEM!READER)

Summary: You're the newest support of Blackwatch team, earlier, Mercy's assistance and student. The were all insecure about your staying in Blackwatch, cause you look so...nice.

Art by: hittower on tumblr

*After a long reunion with you, planning how the job is done and meeting everyone for the first time*

Gabe- Well...*sighs* That's it. I'm still pretty unsure about that, but...be welcome.

Cassidy- *looking at you*... how old are you again?

You- Hm? I'm in my 30...*confused*

Moira- Gabriel, are you sure that she should stay in Blackwatch?

Gabe- *shows a paper* Is on the paper...

You- Guys, I know...I look innocent and nice, not strong and rough...kind emo, like you guys, but I promise, I'm here to help anyway! *smile*

Cass- You were a Mercy student, aren't ya? Nanobiotic tech?

You- Yes, sir.

Moira- *roll eyes* At least is not gonna be all in my back... I almost died last mission trying to save a suicide ninja...

Cass- *chuckles* Yeah...Moira can't keep up with Genji, right buddy? *look at him beside him*

You- I can keep up, don't worry, I'm a former military and worked in a short period of time in a"ninja" experience project.

Genji- *frowned face* Ninja project?

You- Yes, trained by Asa Yamagami sensei. *smile and Genji eye went wide open* at the time, before Overwatch, the military was training to make some spys, ninjas, something like that, to infiltrating important establishments, like Talon, for example.

Gabe- Yeah, I remember that, Morrison denied... *sighs* He was thinking in doing that with Overwatch, but...we don't have "ninjas" enough and we don't have time to recruit.

You- Well, I'm in. Anything, I'll be here.

Genji- Asa Sensei?

You- Hm? Oh yeah, I imagined that you could know her.

Genji- She trained me and my brother since little...*sighs* Is a surprise that you knew her.

Cass- I wanna be trained by her too...*smirk*

Gabe- Right! The reunion is over... *gets up* And y/n...y/n, right?

You- Yes, sir.

Gabe- Later, show a little bit of your skills, all of them *left the room*

You- *smile* Sure!

Moira- I got some dirty experiments to finish...*vanished*

Cass- And I! Need a beer *gets up* You come, Genji? I bought the one you like.

Genji- *gets up* I rather stay today with y/n...

You- *surprised* Oh...you can go, Genji. It's ok~

Genji- I...wanna talk a little bit about normal stuffs.

Cass- Normal stuffs? Right *laughs hugging him by the shoulder* Heey...is just me or I'm feeling a different tension coming from my pal Genji?

Genji- Hm...*getting annoyed*

You- Ah...I...*laughs* What?

Cass- You know, come on, girl! The way this emo guy here is...he would never rather talk to someone.

Genji- Cole...shut...up.

Cass- Since you got here he have being acting a little weird, ya know? I swear I saw him blush! I swear! And I'm a man of word...!!!! *picture; elbow on the face* OW...! OUCH! *Hands on the face* MY NOSE!

Genji- *look at you* Stupid cowboy...

Cass- WHY THE METAL ARM?! Fuuuck! Ow!

You- *scared* Oh God, Cass, let me check! *runs to him holding his face* Look up, sweety...

Genji- *jealously air* Hm...wasn't that strong.

You- Well, depending where you hit him...*checking his noise* 1 to 10 how much is hurting?

Cass- Fucking 20...! Ow! Careful, pumpkin...!

You- Genji, you broke his nose...!*look at Genji a little annoyed* Why did you do that?

Cass- Again...!

Genji- *feels embarrassed* I...! It was...! Automatically...!

You- Hold yourself! *sighs still holding Cassidy's face* I need to take care of this... Genji, please, do not do this again.

Genji- I'm sorry...

You- Do not apologize to me, but to Cass.

Cass- Yeah...do it, kid.

Genji- *roll eyes* I'm sorry, Cassidy...

Cass- Good boy *smile* Ow...!

You- Ok, Cass, I'll take you to Mercy's lab, I'll take care of you there.

Cass- Sounds nice...

Genji- ...*left alone* ... *take a deep breath* Dammit Cassidy...! *look at his good arm* Should I break something too...? *look around and chuckles* At least I would be alone with her...

*Depressed Genji cannot find another way of thinking to stay alone with you, understand him*

It's possible to turn this into a whole story...I want that now lol

[taiblogcomics]

Setups and Letdowns

Hey there, inadvertent consumption of spiders. Amazingly, we're going to hit the halfway mark of this series on Halloween. Could anything be more fitting? But we gotta get through this week's issue first!

Here's the cover:

And I see your true colours shining through~ Red, right? It's red? Jason Todd's true colours are red? Because he's the Red Hood? It also appear to be the colour he's forcing Donna to glow, despite the yellow lightning discharging from his gun for some reason. Kyle is so horrified, he can only light up his ring like a spotlight instead of doing anything to stop Jason. Bob, however, is a Monitor, and therefore well-versed in waffling about whether he should do something. Anyway, I'm sure this cover isn't a spoiler or anything!

In today's recap, the Multiverse Crew are seeing red about the return of Monarch to the plot. Karate Kid is still dying, and that's left him feeling pretty blue. Mary Marvel is tickled pink about her newfound turn to evil. Pied Piper and Trickster are white with fear about getting caught by the Suicide Squad again. Jimmy Olsen has just met Forager, and is green with envy that her powers actually work. And Harley Quinn and Holly Robinson have proven they aren't yellow by making it to Athena's training ground island. Orange you dying to find out what happens next~?

So this takes place post-Battle for Bludhaven, which I may or may not have mentioned at some point. It's responsible for the current inclusion of Monarch, so it's at least tangentally relevant in the grand scheme of things. Also directly relevant, as Buddy Blank, Karate Kid, and Una are using some sort of super-tank to explore its blasted-out ruins. Like, I know it was bombed by dropping a giant chemical-based supervillain on it, but I don't know if even that would give it this much of a green haze. Maybe it's not even radioactive, and Chemo was just filled with glow-in-the-dark green paint.

If you thought that was going somewhere by being the opening page, it doesn't actually do much but get us used to the bright green glow as we cut over to Kyle Rayner using his powers to punch out Monarch and nab Donna Troy from Forerunner's clutches. A battle breaks out between the Extremists, Monarch and Friends, and the Multiverse Pals. Which I thought they already did, but this time the Crime Syndicate guys aren't involved. Also, Jokester is still dead on the floor, just to rub that in our faces some more. Anyway, Jason knifes a fish guy, then proposes that he wants to join up with Monarch.

Over at the Daily Planet building in Metropolis, Forager is still bugging (ha!) Jimmy Olsen to join her and help her find the missing souls of the New Gods. She proposes that not doing so will destroy reality and create the Fifth World. Jimmy would be pretty bummed if all reality was destroyed, and he did kind of sign up for this kind of this thing by wanting to be a superhero. So he agrees, and Forager immediately vapourises them both with an energy ball, and they disappear. At least, that's what it looks like to everyone else working in the office. I hope Jimmy remembers to explain this later!

So maybe you remember a brief appearance by Shadowpact to set up them appearing in a plot to confront Mary Marvel. Shadowpact was cool. They formed in the aftermath of Day of Vengeance, and got their own series post-One Year Later. The team consisted of Nightshade, Blue Devil, Enchantress, Night Master, Ragman, and Detective Chimp, and they operated out of an extra-dimensional bar called the Oblivion Bar. Sadly, they never got much exposure after their series ended, but it's implied they did stay a team, as you often see them in cameos together. This woulda been right during their heyday, though.

I bring all this up because, A) Shadowpact was a much more interesting book than this one and I'd rather be reading that. And 2) if you thought that setup was goig somewhere, we rejoin the Shadowpact already laid out from a fight in the Oblivion Bar, Mary Marvel and Eclipso having defeated them off-screen. This one I especially don't think can be explained by a tie-in. This is just dumb story. And while the Shadowpact aren't out, they're still pretty down. They struggle a bit longer, which I don't know why couldn't have been the initial point of contact, but eventually Eclipso gets bored of the fight and warps her and Mary out.

Over on Themyscria, Holly Robinson, Harley Quinn, and a couple other incidental girls who survived the trip are now all relaxing in a military-esque bunk, wearing fancy white bathrobes and nothing else. They're shooting the breeze, when an armoured Amazon comes in and calls them to attention. Holly protests that they're exhausted, having just swam all the way here through shark-infested waters. The Amazon replies that she can prove they're not exhausted, by having them chased down by snarling, angry dogs. I'm gonna need you to show your work on that one, Ms. Amazon…

In a secret location, Pied Piper and Trickster de-cloak and take out two guards leading Two-Face down the hall. Clearly their stow-away plan went off without a hitch. I also want to note that Two-Face is drawn exactly like his Batman Forever incarnation. I dunno what that means, if anything, but it was something I noticed. Two-Face flips a coin and decides to tell them what he knows. So the guys disappearing all the supervillains? It's DC's preeminent super-spy organisation, Checkmate. They've even gotten big names like Joker and Lex Luthor. And they're sending them somewhere far away.

Piper and Trickster are even more unnerved by this, and they ask Two-Face to come with them. And despite the fact that Trickster proposed last issue that they try and save everybody so that they'd all owe them, the pair decide to just bail and go on the run again. They steal a Humvee and go racing out the gate, arguing all the while at how spooked this has them. Meanwhile, Two-Face's coin clearly didn't come heads-up, since he's just standing around in the base looking at the unconscious guards and wondering what to do next. It's kind of comedic, I guess.

Back over with the Multiverse Pals, Monarch tells Jason that killing an enemy combatant doesn't exactly prove much about his convictions. I mean, considering Donna and Kyle have gone out of their way to not kill ayone, it's something. But Jason decides to commit to his bit and takes Bob's gun. Bob just kind of lets this happen, as if it wouldn't be really easy for the big powerful Monitor to stop the non-powered human from jacking his sidearm. And the comic ends with Jason shooting Donna with a laser gun, just as depicted on the cover, so this really isn't as shocking a moment as the comic wants to pretend.

Well, I guess on the one hand, I'm glad we're back to the nothing-burger setup issues. Like, the only thing that actually happens in this issue is that Jason shoots Donna. It's such the only significant event that they put it on the cover, coz they really had nothing else. But even that, being a cliffhanger, still feels like setup, doesn't it? At least I'm not infuriated at this one, that's about all the praise I can give it. "At least it didn't manage to make me angry." Only other praise I've got for it is that it's another one that managed to make a cameo by all six plotlines. Even Darkseid got in there, as a full-page splash of him playing with his chess set again that I didn't mention. Because all he did was move his Buddy Blank figure, in a panel that took a full page. Somehow this comic turned even Darkseid into a nothing-burger~

[ducknotinarow]

[87]

Donatello couldn't help but grin when he saw the parcel; he knew international shipping takes a while and he had been impatient, but he couldn't help but be excited by it all. Shame his brothers were, well, his brothers, and immediately began playing keep away the second Don mentioned it was from a 'she',

"Guys c'mon!" Don yelled, jumping for the parcel as it was thrown back and forth, "You might break something!"

He'd reach for his Bo and use it to smack the parcel from their game, if it wasn't for the fact he left it in his room. He was clearly getting frustrated, despite Raphael having told him directly a way to get his stuff back. After a while, Don sighs and stops playing their game. He's going to be massacred by them,

"You two are the worst," He huffs, hands on his hips, "Yvonne's my pen pal," He looks directly to Raph, "Remember when we went to the library a while back, and I knocked all that stuff down with my Bo?" He gets them to recall, "One of the things was a flying for a pen pal group, and I decided to join - we've been talking to each other since then, I'm surprised you haven't noticed."

He tries to hide his blush, and the way his tail attempts to wag behind him,

"Anyway, Yvonne said she's going to send me some stuff we don't have over here, snacks and stuff," Don gets to the point, "And that's what that is, so if you could hand it over now, that would be great."

| Muse interaction continued from [ here ]

"Guys c'mon!"

"Guys c'mon" Raph mocked as he once more tossed the package over towards Mikey to catch. They were making sure to stay up being high so to keep the package even further out from Don's reach as they went about tossing it between themselves it wasn't all that hard to get Mikey to play along when it came to this after all. He just loved messing around as much as the next turtle.

"You might break something!"

Mikey gave a light toss to the box towards Raph before moving to cross his arms over his plastron, shaking his head as he gave his best disappointed Leo. "Tsk tsk Don, if ya kept ya Bo on you coulda used it to knock the package down and get it back. Some ninja you gotta be prepared all the time Donatello." As if Mikey had any right the only one out of the three that had their weapons on hand was Raphael after all. Didn't stop Mikey from adding in a few 'tsk' towards Don despite this fact.

"mmm let me see." Raph said once he got the package back. Moving to hold it up to his ear. Giving the box a nice firm shake trying to listen to what was inside of it. Watching Donnie's face twist in frustration over his and Mikey's game. Then he had to be lame and stop as he set his hands on to his hips.

"You two are the worst,"

Raph just gave a roll of his eyes and lowered the package to rest against his hip. "An' you are a sore loser Don." Raph snapped back with not that Don had much chance to win here. He was fine teasing them but suddenly when it was his turn then it was no longer fun. Big baby.

"Yvonne's my pen pal,"

"Pen pal?" Raph now asked tilting his head to the side a little, something about it seems vaguely familiar for some reason now.

"Remember when we went to the library a while back, and I knocked all that stuff down with my Bo?"

Raph just sort of stared blanky at Don for a moment trying to sreach his mind for that happening. He did recall going tk the library with Donnie when they finally made up. But he also remembered hiding behind a library with Casey. And now his mind was on Casey, stupid grin on his beak the biggest tell his train of thought jumped the track just then. Before shaking his head and closing his eyes a moment. He did recall the mess Don made whe. They went to the library.

"Uh sort of?" Raphael offered with a shrug of his shoulders.

"One of the things was a flying for a pen pal group, and I decided to join - we've been talking to each other since then, I'm surprised you haven't noticed."

"Hmm, I mean, we've noticed a little bit that ya been acting funny and all." Mikey spoke up, finally making his way down and off the table. Je had been standing on clearly. The game was over now. Only pausing when noticing Don's tail was trying so hard not to move. He blinked a little and tilted his head letting Raoh take over the conversation now.

Raph once more rolled his eyes "genuis we did whyda think we started to play keep away from you?" Raph on the other hand simply moved ti sit on the counter still keeping said package to himself. "But I had a feeling it was 'bout this Yvoone here."

"Anyway, Yvonne said she's going to send me some stuff we don't have over here, snacks and stuff,"

"Hmm, huffy today, uh?" Raph teases a bit, but actually? It was really nice to see his twin all snippy again. Well snippy like this not like before.

"And that's what that is, so if you could hand it over now, that would be great."

There's just the faintest little feeling of a fluttering in Raph's shell to know it was coming Donatello as they looked to thier package. Though and Raph of all turtles knew that feeling well. It was an instant thing for him the second he much as thought about Casey himself. He had a hunch but now? Yeah now he was positive. Hopping off the counter he went ahead and handed the box over. "Alright alright no need to be all huffy and puffy with me now Donatello. All ya had todo was tell us." Making the teasing in his tone obvious as he smirks at his twin. "Wouldn't want ya ta miss a gift from your girlfriend after all."

Mikey snorted from behind the two of them as Raph let go and let Donnie go off with his things as he pleased now.

[albwreckt]

The rat orchestra from last year’s Ethereal ball is apparently back and looking for work again. That’s the only explanation you can think of, anyway, when you start hearing rumors about rodents gathering in some out-of-the-way alley in town to play music on instruments stolen from the monastery. At the same time, a second rumor has started up: students have reported hearing a long C-sharp before going to bed at night, only to discover the next morning that one of their classmates has gone missing! That’s three in the span of a week so far. Are these things related? The Knights won’t get involved and the monastery staff appears unbothered, so you decide to take these matters into your own hands. [Grants Sword +1]

The first of Balthus’ suckers proud patrons wants him chasing a bunch of mice.

And while, sure, that’s an okay thing to hire him for, he can’t help thinking that his talents are being a little undersold. The guy could catch a bear, and he isn't exactly quiet about that fact. His body is built for heavy lifting, impactful fights, smash ‘n grabs–but today's foe is barely the size of his fist? 

Well, it’s the kid’s money. The Wolf has long since pocketed it, now that they two are prowling around the town in the dead of night. It makes only the slightest jingle as they turn a corner and darkness envelops them. 

The glitter of stars in the sky can’t reach them here, not with an overcast of two-story buildings blotting out their rays of pale light. But that’s okay. This is exactly where they want to be. Balthus knows rats (has even lived with a few) and understands what they like. The dark and dank, the smelly and humid. Little corners they can huddle around, and all those passageways in Abyss for them to scurry off to, should a threat arise. 

But wedged between these few town buildings, there are scant few paths a rodent could take that Balthus couldn’t smash through. Brick is easier to break than the hard earth–it’s why he wears a confident smirk as he turns to Roy. 

“Alright, pal. Got your listening cap on?” 

He nudges him forward. At the end of this alley is a short wall, and one hop over there is another, and another sprawling in a different direction. As he inches closer, he lowers his stature and heightens his senses. “Remember that we’re here for the music. It was uh, some kind of note, right?” 

He stops tip-toeing. 

“Shoot… Which one was it?” 

Not that he could tell if he heard it, mind you. Balthus’ education in the musical arts ended with his involvement in House Albrecht. While piano or violin may have been expected of a noble, the only sounds he produces now are the cracking of skulls and the tearing of ligaments. He looks embarrassed, waiting for Roy’s response.

That kid was noble enough to foot his bill, so he’s praying he can pick timbre apart from rhythm. 

“Wait, don’t tell me,” he corrects, “just keep an eye out for it. Er, ear out. When you hear it, let me know. I’ll go running in and nab ourselves that bounty. That’s what you’re here for, yeah?”

//starter for @roysourblog

✢⁎. i was hiding!

[lumnius-a]

tumblr . com  ( *exasperated* ) 

[loveaffaire]

Listen to me… dad’s friend!Bucky + reader

Bonus points if Steve is the father of the reader jensjsks

Almost Caught

Pairing: Dad’s bestfriend!Bucky Barnes x Reader

Warnings/tags: mentions of sex, making out, slight hair pulling, pet names (doll), age gap (reader is 21 and Bucky is… 106), Steve cameo<3, reader calls Steve ‘daddy’ but in a normal father way, obviously🧍🏻‍♀️& credits to The Amazing Spider-Man for the cocoa scene (so TASM spoilers? lol)— 18+ (MINORS DNI)

Word Count: 1.3k

A/N: y’all wild, Steve is gonna beat the shit out of his old pal, Buck, if he ever found out🤠

🤍Written for my 1k sleepover🤍

You were laying on your bed and scrolling through social media when you heard your window glass sliding up, your head shot up and there he was, Bucky.

“Fuck” Bucky whispered, almost breaking the vase on your study table as he practically crawled through your window and fell on the hard floor of your room.

You giggled, eyes quickly checking for the lock on your door and making sure it was locked.

“Bucky!” You gushed, getting off the bed and walking to where Bucky was still sitting on the floor, brushing his jeans off.

“You need to tell Steve that you need a bigger, wider window” he said, slightly pouting.

“And tell him what?” You rolled your eyes, “Dad, your best friend sneaks into my room every night and it’s tough for him to get through my small window, can we please get a wider window?”

He smiled, any sign of distress leaving his face when his eyes landed on your face, “shut up”

He stood up, his 6'0" figure hovering over you as he looked down at you with a glint in his blue eyes, “come here, give me a kiss”

You instantly stood on your tiptoes to reach his lips, your lips softly pressed to his as he pulled your body closer.

You were 13 years old when you were sent to a boarding school far away from school, your parents, Steve and Natasha were too busy being Captain America and Black Widow for the country to keep you around. You were safer in the boarding school, anyway.

When you returned 5 years later, now 18 years old, you only saw Bucky once on a weekend for an Avengers get-together and then you were off to college. Three years there and then you were back home, taking a gap year for various internship opportunities.

That’s when you bumped into Bucky. Even though he's been staying in the Avengers’ compound for years, he only ever hung out with your parents or Sam or spent most of his time reading. So when you had found him in the library one day, a conversation was sparked up and since then, you were inseparable.

He was always around you, you were always around him and one day, when he got you alone in the middle of the large bookshelves in the library, he had kissed you and you happily kissed him back.

The guilt ate away at Bucky for a good few weeks, the thought of doing this to Steve made Bucky feel disgusted with himself, but every time his eyes landed on you, he couldn’t help feeling like a lovesick little boy.

So here you stood, in your bedroom, 3 months later with Bucky holding you against him with his lips on yours. It was wrong but it just didn’t feel like it, sure you had to hide from everyone but that’s what made it even more exciting.

The innocent kiss turned into something a bit more steamy as he roughly pulled you up, easily picking you up by the back of your thighs and placing you on your study table. The second he pushed between your legs with a little force, a whimper left your mouth and just then, there was a knock on your door.

“Y/N?”

You froze when you heard your father’s voice, gripping Bucky’s henley in your hands with wide eyes but as soon as you came to your senses, you quickly pushed on his shoulders and reached for the door and Bucky quickly duked down behind the loveseat.

“Honey, do you want some cocoa, mom’s making some cocoa!”

You opened the door, just enough to stick your head out. Your breath was shaky, chest heaving up and down, “no, dad, I do not want cocoa, honestly I’m 21 years old”

You father looked at you confused but the frown on his face turned into a smirk as he said, “okay, I just thought I remember somebody saying last week that her fantasy was to live in a chocolate house”

You heard a soft snicker from inside your room and your eyebrows shot up, “well, that’s impractical” you shut the door but opened it again, “and fattening,” you shut the door again.

You turned back and saw Bucky with his chin resting on the top of the loveseat, “chocolate house?” he joked, tilting his head to the side.

You rolled your eyes as you opened the door and saw your father standing there with a frown on his face once again, “sorry dad”

“It’s okay I—”

“I can’t have um cocoa right now, I’m- I’m working, I’m doing this, I’m- I have cramps!”

“Oh”

“Yes, I feel pukey and emotional, I’ve been crying—”

“Alright that’s—”

“It’s gross, I can’t have cocoa,” you gulped.

“Good good” your father shook his head, looking at the wall behind you.

“It’s brutal, you don’t wanna know” you whispered, making a gagging expression.

“Got it, that’s- I got it” your father nodded, turning around, he threw a thumbs up in the air.

“Thanks, daddy” you yelled out, shutting your door and locking it.

You rested your forehead on the door and sighed. Bucky sneaked up behind you and softly grabbed you by the waist, he kissed your exposed skin on your shoulder, his lips were warm on your skin.

“He could have caught you,” you whispered, moving away from him.

Bucky grasped your wrist, pulling you back to him and you stumbled back on his hard chest, “but he didn’t”

He leaned in, attaching his lips to yours, he softly tugged on your hair and you whimpered. As your lips fell open, he was quick to sneak his tongue inside your mouth and you moaned against his lips.

“Bucky, wait” you pulled away, shaking your head at him, “you should leave because what if dad becomes like- I don’t know- suspicious”

“But I don’t want to leave” Bucky whined like a little kid as he tugged on the hem of your tank top.

“He’ll kill you if he finds you here” you rolled your eyes at him, falling back on the bed.

“Did you know back in our days, Steve opposed 117 nations to protect me?” Bucky smirked, “he’s not gonna hurt me”

He crawled on top of you, resting his hands on either side of your shoulders. You’ve heard about the incident that broke up the Avengers a million times, Tony and your dad never stopped joking about it at the get-togethers.

“Well, back in your days, you weren’t fucking his daughter” you smirked, your eyes squinting at him.

“I haven’t fucked you” he whispered, “yet”

“It’s only been 3 months, I’ll make you wait a little more” you said, your voice smug.

“Well, I’ve still been to places… your places” he said, his voice low and filled with lust, “do you remember that time I tasted you? My pretty doll tasted so good for me—”

You pulled yourself up on your elbows, pecking his lips and shushing him. Not wanting him to see you so flushed, you rolled over with him under you now and your lips landed on his neck, you were quick to leave a pretty lovebite on him.

As you continued your work on his neck, with his head thrown back and soft moans falling out of his lips, you felt his bulge pressing between your thighs. He gripped your hips and lifted himself off the bed, desperately trying to feel you against him.

“Okay” you huffed and sat on his lap, you teased him by pushing a little harder on his bulge, “that’s enough waiting”

He quickly nodded, “3 months is a lot of waiting, yeah” his voice was shaky, neck red from the heat creeping up to his face.

“You wanna fuck me?” you whispered, nudging your face closer to his as he sat up with you still on his lap.

“So badly, doll” he said, resting his hands on your waist.

“Get to it then” you softly giggled, getting off his lap and crawling up on the bed.

You rested your back against the headboard and you removed your cotton shorts, spreading your legs wide open for Bucky to see the dampened spot on your underwear. As he looked at your face twisting in pleasure when you softly brushed your fingers over your clothed cunt, he was sure he was going to devour you tonight. He was going to absolutely wreck you.

I had to leave it at that, whatever happened after that was wild and they broke the bed so yeah🤠

[hurryupharry]

first meetings

hi... i'm back after 6 years.... yeah read that again - 6 YEARS. i've honestly no clue what tumblr is like anymore, but i've felt a sudden urge to write again, so here it is. a little fic on meeting H, heavily inspired by a tiktok (no shame) i saw on a girl who met H while on her scooter. also if the paragraphs are weird i'm SORRY i don't know what's wrong with the editor. ok let me know what you think x pairing: harry x reader word count: 1.5k+ warnings: just a casual meet cute fic.. nothin much

You'd known each other for a little while, often brushing shoulders at parties or running into each other at the hole-in-the-wall coffee shops around town. Though it was rather strange to see him doing 'normal people' things around town, you were always glad that these run-ins gave you a peek into his mysterious life - how he liked his coffee, the pastries he favoured on slow Saturday mornings... It was nice to know. Not in a creepy way, of course - it simply intrigued you.

The first time you met was at a party. You couldn't remember whose it was, only that it was shortly after his most recent tour wrapped up. The party wasn't for him, but it sure seemed that way - every person in the room was awaiting an opportunity to congratulate and welcome him home. You were a plus-one to this party and lingered at the bar almost the entire night. You wouldn't mention it, but it was a strategic spot. You could engage in light conversation with the bartender whenever you felt out of place. It was sometime mid-way through the night when you finally had someone join you in your newly-claimed spot in the room. "Mr. Superstar! You've been busy the entire night, eh? Could finally spare some time to say hi to your old pal?" The bartender, who'd introduced himself to you as Nick, gleefully greeted the star of the night, who'd decided to take a seat right next to you. "Nick.. don't say that," Harry was quick to wave him off with a shy smile. "How're the missus and the little ones?" You sat quietly with your drink - a diluted long island iced tea - observing the interaction between the two with short glances, not wanting to intrude on a seemingly overdue reunion. Eavesdropping on their conversation on kids, tour life and future plans like you were listening to a podcast, you were surprised to hear your name. “This is Y/N, by the way - been sitting here all night with me. Rachel brought her here,” Nick said, making Harry turn towards you. In that moment, you felt like kneeing Nick where it’d hurt - you were set on going unnoticed this entire time. “Sorry love, s’ rude of me not to say hello earlier,” Harry quickly gets up from his seat, extending a hand out to you. “Harry, but H works perfect. Lovely t’ meet you, Y/N.” “Bit formal, isn’t it,” You quipped, shaking his hand anyway. Of course you knew who he was. The steely rings that adorned most, if not all, of his fingers feeling cool against your skin, flushed from the alcohol you’d had. “Wonderful to meet you too. Taking a break from meeting the fans?” You had to admit that you wouldn’t have said any of this to someone you were meeting for the first time without some liquid courage in you. You were a fan too, even if you wouldn’t tell him that. You found yourself dancing and singing along to his songs alone in your apartment on multiple occasions. He chuckles at your light-hearted jab, his dimple revealing itself a little more than before. “Wanted t’ make sure I covered them all, s’all. Especially this guy here, could tell he’s been practically begging me to come over,” He gestures to Nick, who’d already started making a drink for the golden boy. “I didn’t know you two were friends, you and Rachel. I’m surprised we haven’t met.” Rachel and Harry went pretty far back. She was one of his long-time sound techs, working on tours with him since his solo career launched. You learned that they became friends quickly after she challenged him to a round of shots, herself fully inebriated at that point, and won without question. She seemed to make every party rowdier and he loved that. “Well, you’ve been touring for a long time and I’m not so much a party animal myself, as you can tell,” you waved your half-empty glass, the condensation leaving small wet dots on your pants. He only nods in response, thanking Nick quietly for his freshly-concocted drink as he leaned over the bar counter, glass in hand.

You revelled in the quiet, fleeting moment you shared - neither of you saying anything, taking the time to notice the ink on his skin, the soft glow of the purple lights highlighting the contours of his arms, before he was quickly called over from somewhere else in the room. “S’me, I’m guessing - hope it isn’t another H here,  would be a little awkward,” He pushes himself off the counter by his forearms, raising his drink to you. “Cheers Y/N. I’ll see you around, yeah?” You did the same, bidding him a silent goodbye as he went on his way. His smooth, low voice rang through your head the rest of the night. You really did hope to see him around. It was a couple weeks later at the local coffee-shop in the neighbourhood you’d just discovered that you recognised his figure, donned in a thin white t-shirt and sweat shorts. Sunglasses perched atop his head, bill between his fingers as he stood before the cashier, who looked extra chirpy at 9 on a Tuesday morning.

The place was almost empty, and you cursed quietly as the sound of bells broke the quiet buzz in the shop once you opened the door. Harry quickly glanced at the door, before doing a second take. With the throngs of people he met daily, he could’ve sworn he knew you from somewhere before it clicked. He would never have forgotten you - the girl sitting alone at the bar who’d brought him away from reality during that party for a few seconds, and honestly made his night. He recalled thinking you were beautiful under the dim lighting of the party and he wasn’t mistaken. Even on a god forsaken Tuesday morning, you were radiant, face still slightly puffy from sleep with a bundle of pink tulips tucked in your arm. “Y/N, fancy bumping into you here, ‘f all places,” He smiled, handing the bill over to the girl at the till and gesturing for her to keep the change. Your heart beat a little faster when you heard him say your name. He remembered you. “Just here for a coffee and my breakfast,” You gave him a friendly smile, mentally kicking yourself for choosing not to put in any effort before you left home this morning. “What’s Mr. Superstar doing here? Y’know, I just discovered this place and I’m not that keen on having to find another place with better danish pastries when this one blows up.” “S’ too bad then, these are my favourites too,” He shrugs, pointing towards the crisp paper bag on the counter. “Just have to share, it seems.” You’re not sure what happened - it all seems like a blur now - but somehow, you’re walking out of the coffee shop next to him, with a bag of pastries and coffee in hand, enjoying some friendly banter about the weather and your favourite cafes in the area. Placing your items in the basket of your scooter, you find him analysing the device with some interest. “Jealous of my ride?” You asked, picking a few tulips out of the bunch. They were your favourite flowers, and having a fresh vase full of them at the start of your week often gave you a much-needed serotonin boost. “Honestly, yeah - seems pretty cool to be whizzing ‘round on one of these things.”

You raised an eyebrow at him and gave a questioning nod, conjuring up an image of Harry Styles scooting around town. Didn’t seem too likely. “I should get going, got work to do,” You tapped on the handlebar of your scooter, turning towards him. In the gentle morning light, hair fluffy and a little more unkempt than usual, he looked almost angelic. It was disgusting how good he looked. “I shouldn’t keep you waiting then, Y/N. It was lovely bumping into you here.. I might have to take you up on the cafe crawl offer sometime soon though,” Harry piped, taking a sip of his flat white - apparently an experimental order for him. In your short conversation, you also learned that he recently moved into the area, hence why he’d been out exploring that early morning. You nodded, trying your hardest to push down the biggest grin threatening to show itself on your face. You taking Harry out on a date? Honestly, the entire morning felt like a fever dream. As he was about to turn and leave, you presented (more like shoved) the pink tulips to him - five of them, to be exact. “Here, I just got these this morning. The old lady who sells these loves me, so she always gives me way more than what I need.”

He could’ve sworn his heart was about to melt from this little gesture - he loved dotting his home with flowers too, though he’d never thought to buy some tulips. Being someone to associate people with things for sentimental value, he knew tulips would be yours from then now. “Oh, thank you love, s’ really kind of you,” He beamed, taking the delicate flowers into his hands. You waved him off, getting onto your scooter.

“Have a nice run.”

“Have a lovely scoot, Y/N.”

[bvccy]

Hi!!! Hope you're doing great

Can I please have a mix between number 2 from the soft and 8 from the dark one

Thanks, lost of love ❤❤❤

Thank you so much, nonnie! I am so sorry this took so long, I meant to post yesterday but it wasn’t done. Also, the 8th dark prompt was requested just before you sent in this one, so that is filled separately here.

I tried to do the mix you asked for, and I took the liberty of writing this with Bucky (specifically 40s!BB), and I hope that it’s ok. It’s a bit of a more specific story, actually, that I’d wanted to write for a while. I also did a kind of first for me, because it involves Steve x reader as a backdrop 😂 Anyway.

Lots of love to you too, my dear! 💗💗💗

— PAIRING: soft!dark!Bucky x Reader • preserum!Steve x Reader — PROMPT: Asteria - gazing at one’s object of affection, from afar + Prassius - an impossible desire, and unclean love — LINKS: Masterlist • love stones prompt list — WORDCOUNT: 2.5k

It had taken long enough, and sometimes it seemed like it would never happen, but he finally found Steve a girlfriend — or rather, his girlfriend found him one. Dottie had exhausted several of her close friends and most acquaintances, but she knew how tired Bucky was of seeing his friend mope around, feeling like a third wheel, getting into trouble to pass the time. And honestly she liked Steve too, just not like that — but, wonder-worker that she was, Dottie found a girl that did.

She agreed to come on a double-date one night, and she and Stevie hit it right off. It was the first time Bucky met her too, and he didn't think much of the girl. Small, shy, not quite sickly-looking but not far from it, shoes a bit scuffed, clothes a bit too big for her and smelling of plain soap — in a word: perfect. She was perfect for his sickly, skinny friend who nobody else wanted, and by the looks of things, nobody had wanted her either because she seemed to have no idea what to do around a dance hall. As they were returning home that night, he even heard her confess to Steve that she had never been to one before.

They went out on two more dates, all four of them, within as many weeks. Bucky loved to dance, and Dottie too, but Steve and his girl weren't so fond of tripping over their feet and being laughed at. So they sat together at the table like a pair of broken toys, sharing an ice cream sundae, swinging shoulder-to-shoulder with the music when they liked the tune. Bucky waved at them when their eyes met, and they waved back and cheered at his dancefloor performance, but that happened less and less as they got caught up in each other. Steve would start to sketch things on the napkins while they chatted: the band, the sea of dancers, the fancy chandeliers, and eventually her.

"She said nobody's ever drawn her picture before," his friend said dreamily as they walked back, after they wished a good night to the girls. "Can you believe that?"

"Sure can…"

"She almost didn't let me do it. But she's so pretty, Buck."

"Mhm, nice girl."

"I mean yeah, she's no Dottie, but… I don't know, there's just somethin' I like so much about her… I guess her eyes, the way they look when she's smiling, or how her hair looks when the sun shines on it…"

"Get a load a' you," he grinned, wrapping his arm around Steve's shoulder in a playful grip that moved his friend's whole body. "One dame's sweet on you, and all of a sudden you're Romeo."

"At least I'm not a punk like you," Steve teased, slipping from his grasp.

"You know what I like best about her?"

"What?" he asked, with a hint of jealousy.

But Bucky smirked without a care. "How she keeps you out of trouble."

It had, indeed, been a while since Steve got in an alley brawl, and by their fifth date his last few bruises healed. He'd almost gotten into one by a cotton candy stand at Coney Island, but his girl was there to pull him back.

"Stevie, leave him alone…"

"You heard what he said?!"

"Who cares," she sighed, clinging to his arm and throwing the other man a hateful look. "Come on, didn't you want to win me that stuffed teddy bear?"

"Better listen to your girl, pal."

"Oh go find a sty to wallow in," she hissed.

"I ought'a smack some manners into you, you two-bit broad!"

"I'd worry about my own manners if I were you, buddy." Bucky slipped between them, coming from behind, standing now close enough to punch the guy if things got heated. But, seeing himself outnumbered, the other man cursed them and left. Just then, Dottie finally caught up.

"What's going on?" she asked, a little out of breath.

Bucky turned around, and was met by the heart-melting sight of Steve and his girl holding each other, her hands on his cheeks as she quietly chastised him, but loving enough that it made him smile and giggle. She closed it with a kiss to his cheek that made the boy blush, and a kittenish rub of their noses together.

"Nothing, everything's fine."

It was around the time they went to see a movie together that Bucky's joy for Steve turned into something else. They sat in the back while some musical played, and through the flashing lights and the corner of his eye, he could see his friend with his sweetheart holding hands on top of her lap throughout the whole performance. Meanwhile Dottie kept rubbing up against him, sometimes leaning her head on his shoulder, daring in the darker scenes to kiss his neck, but when she tried to get more of his attention —

"Buckyyy, what's wrong?"

— he shook her off. Hearing his name spoken by her voice suddenly felt disappointing.

He caught himself staring more and more, and not just when they went out together. Sometimes, the girl came by and spent some time with Steve, looking at his newer sketches, trying her hand too — oh and how disgusting they looked, Steve taking advantage of the situation to sit behind, and wrap his arms around her, and whisper in her ear. The pair greeted him cheerfully when he stepped through the living room and caught them, and he grinned back at them as he took a glass of milk, but all his appetite was gone.

And when they walked together through the park, and he saw them holding hands again… When Steve dug for some change to get her an ice cream, and they giggled stupidly as they made a mess of sharing it… When she fell asleep by his side one night at the dance hall, and Stevie woke her up with a tickle down her cheek, and she shivered and murmured like a bird and hid her face in his unworthy shoulder…

"Why don't you ever wanna dance, doll?" he asked as they were fetching drinks.

"Not much good at it, I guess," she shrugged. "The fast ones make me dizzy and I always trip."

"I can teach you. It'll work out great! Stevie teaches you to draw, I teach you how to dance… What do you say?"

The girl seemed to think, but shook her head. "Hmmm… No, not right now. Thanks," she smiled politely. "Besides, what would Stevie do meanwhile?"

She told him no just for the sake of keeping his scrawny little friend company, and Bucky had never felt more insulted — not that she wouldn't dance with him, although that hurt enough, but that he couldn't remember the last dame that gave something up just to stick with him, or got into fights for him, or kissed his wounds away, or held his hand in hers with no ulterior motive, and he'd found a girl that did that, and he wasted her on Steve.

So what if she was a little on the smaller side? So what if her dresses didn't fit right? So what if she came down with the cold at every change of season? He put up with it for Steve and he wasn't half as charming. The girl, instead, looked very delicate, more feminine in her own way, like when she braced her fingers on a table as she talked and mindlessly swung back and forth, animated in whatever she was saying, and her digits bent in such a childish way he feared they'd break, and it only made him want to kiss them. Or when she took her shoes off when she came to their apartment and he could catch a hint of shapely ankle, just perfect for his grip, or a peachy pink instep small enough to fit his palm. And when she fell asleep on their couch that one time and Bucky saw her all curled up, and noticed the arch of her hips and the cinch of her waist and pictured how good it would feel to hold them, and angle them upward, and…

Slowly, he started to appreciate some of what his friend had said that night, because she did have lovely eyes, and hair that looked so soft and warm, and her scent, unburdened by perfume, was sweet and girlish, and her lips looked kissable, and her wrists and knees and ankles too…

"Going out again, tonight?" he asked as the blond boy fixed himself in the mirror.

"Yeah, she wants to try this new place we —"

"Alright, alright…" sighed Bucky, already sick of hearing more. "So, that's all you're gonna do?"

"Well… yeah."

And then he voiced an evil thought. "Don't you ever want to… you know?"

"Y-you think we should?" Steve asked, turning away from his pallid reflection.

Bucky sat sprawled across the couch, and shrugged. "If she really likes you, she'd be up for it, don't you think?"

"I don't know about that, Buck."

"No? Ok," he nodded. "After all, what do I know?"

The aftermath of this particular advice was a draught of dates for poor ol' Steve, because just like Bucky had expected, the girl shrinked at the suggestion and couldn't stand to see him. For a while.

"Can you believe it, Buck?!"

"Yeah…"

"She'll see me again!"

"That's great, Stevie."

"What's wrong? You're lookin' real dour today."

Bucky knew he shouldn't. "I just…" He knew that it was wrong. "Look, it's great that she's forgiven you, but you gotta be realistic about this, pal." He had been happy for Steve at one point, long ago.

"What do you mean?"

But that was before he saw just how much love a girl could give, and realised he'd never felt it.

"Just don't delude yourself this is anything more than what it looks like, ok? She's only forgiven you because she knows nobody else will have her."

"That's mean, Buck."

"Yeah, well… I'm just looking out for you. You're my best friend, you know that. I don't want you getting hurt." It stuck in his throat to say it, but the bitterness stuck more.

And after Steve went to bed that night, Bucky took out the box of candy and the pricey perfume he had bought for her, threw them in the trash, and firmly promised to himself to never wait too long again.

But as he learned a bit later on, when they went back to double-dates, he might not have had a chance at all, because there was an unwitting element of truth to this cruel tirade.

"I can't exactly blame you, honey," Dottie consoled her as they stood in line for the ladies room, not knowing Bucky was just behind the thin divider leading to the men's. "If he does something like that again, I know this other fella —"

"Oh no, Dot, please… We're fine now. He explained things and… he's really sweet, I think he just had a moment of —"

"But just let me introduce you to Jim, see if you don't like him better."

"I… I don't know."

"He's a real charmer," Dottie grinned, "and he has these big, broad hands, jaw like an anvil. He just broke it off with Marcie cause she was a flirt."

He didn't hear anything next, but the girl must've shook her head cause Dottie asked, "You're sure?" and "Really? Well, if you change your mind…"

"Thanks, Dot," she lightly laughed.

"I don't know why you're so stubborn though, it's not like he's that far out your league. You just need to fix your hair a little bit and get a better brand of powder."

"It's not that easy."

"It's all it took me to get Bucky on my arm. That, and a better set of heels," she laughed.

"Yeah but you've always been pretty, Dot. Like, really pretty, and you know it. I guess some girls are for the James Barnes of this world, and some are the for the Steves."

She giggled as she said it, with not a hint of anger or resentment, and that's what stung the worst.

Bucky arranged to go see a late night movie with Dottie after that, while Steve and his girl went back to the apartment to listen to a boxing match on the radio and have some cherry sodas. Dottie went ahead to buy the tickets while Bucky walked them home, and after wishing him good night, she went upstairs to set things up. Steve was meant to go to the store and buy the drinks, but he stayed to chat with his friend a while.

"I can get some eggs and milk as well while I'm at it," he offered, swinging on his heels with his hands in his pockets.

"Sure."

"Or do we have enough for breakfast tomorrow?"

"Go ahead and buy them, pal," Bucky smiled, pretending to be less tired than he felt.

"Ok. And what about — darn!"

"What is it?"

"I just realized, I forgot to give her the keys," he said, taking a hand out of his pocket and holding them out. "I gotta get to the store, can you go up and give them to her?"

"Er, why don't —"

"You know I always trip on the stairs when I'm in hurry, Buck, they haven't changed the lightbulb yet. Don't make me do it."

"Fine, I'll go."

"I owe you big."

"You always do," he grinned, and took the keys from him.

Steve made off for the corner store, while Bucky started the long slow climb upstairs. It was completely dark inside at that hour, and the few candles some neighbours left to light the way had all gone out.

"Stevie, is that you?" he heard her call, standing right outside their door.

He kept one hand against the wall and walked his way toward her, stopping as he heard her whisper, "I think I lost the keys."

Blindly, she moved her hand forward, coming right across his chest. He felt her jolt at the unexpected contact, then burst into a giggle. Bucky could already feel the fanning of her breath right at the level of his chin. With an unseen smile, he took her hand, and placed the keys within it.

"Oh," she laughed. "You had them."

As her hand closed around them his own moved up her shoulder, fingers threading around her hair, and as he touched her jaw he felt her tilting slightly upward, shivering under the feeling.

"Is everything alright?" she asked.

He felt the warming tickle of her breath as he leaned close until, through the pitch black, he touched his lips to hers. Bucky did it lightly, just a little, just enough to taste and sip a kind of love he'd never really had. She stood surprised but took his kiss, and he felt her smiling into it, even beginning to kiss back just as he was parting from her.

"Your lips are softer than before," she giggled, in a sweet but altogether crushing way that made Bucky's heart beat stronger. "Stevie?"

Her hand moved through the air to touch him but felt nothing anymore, and down the stairs the heavy steps echoed, moving downward and away.

[donttalkaboutmemes]

Oliver & Company (1988) Sentence Meme

Under the cut you will find 100+ sentences from the 1988 version of Oliver & Company to use for your enjoyment!      

1.      “Come on, sweetheart. We’re late. You can play with the kitty some other time.”

2.      “Get off of me! What’s the matter with you?”

3.      “You sure picked the wrong guy to get hot dogs from, kid.”

4.      “I’ve been watching you and I think you’re in serious need of some professional guidance.”

5.      “Hey, it’d be a snap, kid. I’m an expert at these things.”

6.      “This city’s got a beat. You gotta hook into it, and once you get the beat you can do anything.”

7.      “Absitively posolutely.”

8.      “Our mission is to liberate those all-beef kosher franks and hightail it out of there.”

9.      “Starting to feel that rhythm?”

10.   “Hey, you really got that rhythm, kid.”

11.   “Listen, kid, I hate to break it to you but the dynamic duo is now the dynamic uno.”

12.   “What I mean is our partnership is herewith dissolved.”

13.   “But wait! Wait! You’re not being fair.”

14.   “Fairs are for tourists, kid.”

15.   “Consider it a free lesson in street savoir faire.”

16.   “You want them? Come and get them.”

17.   “Stop that racket! I’m trying to watch the show!”

18.   “Whatcha watching? Does he get the girl? What happens?”

19.   “Shut up, you little rodent.”

20.   “It’s none of your business you intrusive little pipsqueak!”

21.   “You insulted my pride! That means death!”

22.   “You remain our pre-eminent benefactor.”

23.   “Did you have to fight, man? How many were there?”

24.   “I love a story with food in it.”

25.   “You’re dead meat, kitty.”

26.   “I kind of like those burning eyes.”

27.   “I don’t think you grasp the severity of the situation.”

28.   “I lent you money and I don’t see it. Do you know what happens when I don’t see my money?”

29.   “People get hurt. People like you get hurt. Do I make myself clear?”

30.   “I can’t figure out why you’d rather hang around a dump like this when you could be living uptown with a class act like myself.”

31.   “Isn’t is rather dangerous to use ones entire vocabulary in a single sentence?”

32.   “You got something to say to me, fat boy?”

33.   “You guys don’t scare me. I’ll kill you both.”

34.   “Why don’t you pick on someone your size?”

35.   “Is this us losing our sense of humor?”

36.   “Nah, I ain’t lost my sense of humor. See? I find that funny.”

37.   “Three sunrises. Three sunsets. Three days.”

38.   “Run along. Your masters calling.”

39.   “We ain’t finished. You guys are gonna pay for this.”

40.   “Those creeps will think twice before hassling us.”

41.   “Three days. How am I ever gonna come up with all that money?”

42.   “I’ll never get out from under that maniac.”

43.   “My days are numbered and the number is three.”

44.   “That took a lot of guts.”

45.   “Time for bed. We’ve got a big day tomorrow.”

46.   “This is the big one. We’ve got two days to do or die.”

47.   “You keep an eye on the new kid. Show him the ropes.”

48.   “What kind of work do we do, anyways?”

49.   “When you got your pals, you got all you need.”

50.   “We gotta clean you up, child, and give you some on-the-job training.”

51.   “I know. My public awaits.”

52.   “Don’t worry. I’m sure they’ll be here for your birthday.”

53.   “Why don’t you be a lookout, man?”

54.   “You were supposed to keep an eye on him.”

55.   “It’s hard to watch anything when you’re getting barbequed, man.”

56.   “We can’t just take in a stray off the street.”

57.   “Look at the poor thing. He’s half-starved.”

58.   “I know you’re growing attached to the little fellow.”

59.   “Rise and shine. Your public awaits.”

60.   “Wait til you taste this. It’s a secret recipe I just invented.”

61.   “Oh, aren’t you a clever kitty?”

62.   “I’m sure you two are gonna be the best of friends.”

63.   “We can’t let the kid take the heat.”

64.   “IF we don’t get him, they’re gonna torture the kid.”

65.   “He’s family. He’s blood.”

66.   “Oh, man! He’s dead meat now!”

67.   “I’ll handle that ruffian.”

68.   “This place looks pretty nice. How bad off could it be here?”

69.   “If this is torture, chain me to the wall.”

70.   “We’re here for the kid, remember? Let’s get him and go.”

71.   “You’re barking up the wrong tree. I’m not you I’m after.”

72.   “What’s the problem? Not good enough for you?”

73.   “Do you even know who I am?”

74.   “How stupid of me! You must be the friends he keeps talking about.”

75.   “There’ no time for long goodbyes, but here’s something to remember me by.”

76.   “I think she likes me, man.”

77.   “I was happy there.”

78.   “We brought you home.”

79.   “Well, I have another home now. And someone who loves me.”

80.   “The gang means family.”

81.   “We risked a lot to get you out of there.”

82.   “This place not good enough for you anymore? Don’t wanna mix with the riffraff?”

83.   “You want to leave? Fine. There’s the door.”

84.   “You loved him too. Don’t worry. We’re going to get him back.”

85.   “What do you mean? You start with the knuckles.”

86.   “What’s the last thing you do? You put on the cement shoes.”

87.   “I think there’s hope for you yet.”

88.   “This is your last chance.”

89.   “Stay close. It’s creepy down here.”

90.   “Listen, little girl, this is a tough neighborhood. You’d better go home.”

91.   “Keep your mouth shut. Consider our account closed.”

92.   “Don’t cry. They only eat when I tell them to.”

93.   “Hey, hey, hey! There is a lady present!”

94.   “Well! It’s nice to see that one of you has some manners.”

95.   “I don’t think you really appreciate the situation. Somebody could get hurt.”

96.   “This has all been very entertaining, but the party is over.”

97.   “You’re ugly! And you’re uglier than him!”

98.   “Don’t forget to make a wish.”

99.   “You know, you’re not so bad for a bug-eyed little creep.”

100. “Hey, woah kid! You think you can handle the champ?”

101. “We’ll keep a spot open for you in the gang. Vice president, uptown chapter.”

102.  “What a delightful scoundrel.”

[tumbling-darkling]

Midnight Hang-Outs

This is a small crossover between Danny Phantom and DC! (Specifically Danny and Harley Quinn!) Following the prompts from Day 11 and 12 - Midnight and Scars (more of mentioned than revolving around it) Harley might be slightly ooc because I don’t read a lot of DC comics but maybe consider it more of like AU Harley Quinn. Mother hen. She feeds the vigilantes of Gotham on slow nights.

Harley glanced over to the boy sitting next to her on the rooftop of the Gotham Bank, she had been planning to break into it to draw out some fun with any nearby vigilantes but instead she had spotted the scrawniest looking glowing teen she’d ever seen. Well he was the only glowing teen she’d ever seen, but the poor kid was struggling against some freak in a white suit.

He had already devoured about 10 of the breakfast sandwiches she bought from a nearby 24 hour fast food joint, she couldn’t remember the name but her pal, Jeremy, always worked late shifts and gave her most of the grease filled wraps for free. Which she got a total of 20 and was beginning to worry that it wasn’t enough for this endless void. She thought she could calculate this kind of thing better based on Batsy’s kids, then again none of them had powers. That must be the factor throwing her off.

She glanced over him again, taking in his features for probably the hundredth time since she spotted him. White hair that gently wisped around his face like he was constantly underwater, pale blue-green skin with neon green freckles that sparkled like stars in the night, toxic green eyes that matched the freckles, flecks of blue hidden within the irises that shone in the right light. He hand pointed ears and little baby fangs, and his suit itself reminded her of the superheroes she’s faced before, but the material seemed all wrong when she got a closer look. It wasn’t spandex, or that thick armour like fibre that Batsy likes to use. She didn’t know what it was made out of. That flaming looking D was enough to hint at a superhero gig, like Superman and that ‘S’ on his chest. She didn’t care that it was supposed to be a symbol for hope, his name was Superman and that thing was an S, end of conversation.

The kid had taken off those gloves in order to eat, she didn’t blame him though, eating with gloves on was weird, and those white gloves would stain like a motherfucker. What caught her attention about it was the scars. Little one littered this kid's hands, and then there was a ligament scar coating his left hand. It was the brightest of all the scars, glowing slightly a wicked green as if he was still being electrocuted.

She turned her gaze back to the streets below, “So, what are you doing out this late?” She asked, avoiding sensitive topics like the scar. “It has to be way past midnight at this point.”

The kid glanced over to her, then shrugged, “had to chase Boxy all the way out here, the dude flies fast for a ghost obsessed in boxes.”

Harley glanced back over, noticing the kid now had finished the last of the sandwiches as he looked in the bag for more, shoving the garbage into it once he confirmed there was nothing left, “Boxy? Was that the freak in white?”

The kid shook his head, “nah, that was a government agent. G.I.W, or the Guys in White. Must’ve followed me, cornered me after I was already exhausted from chasing Boxy all over town. Boxy is the Box Ghost, blue ghost dude in overalls, fairly harmless but he can be a pain in the ass when he wants to be.”

“Want me to blow the rest of those agents up for you?” Harley asked, leaning closer while flashing a sinister grin.

The kid jerked back, “no! No it’s fine, just caught me off guard! I can handle them just fine, you don’t need to blow anyone up!” He squeaked out quickly, wildly waving his hands around. Harley couldn’t help but grin at the display, he reminded her a lot of Batsy’s kids. Energetic, good hearts (most of the time), think they can handle the world.

“So are you one of Batsy’s kids? Harley voiced her thoughts.

The kid blinked owlishly at her, “Batsy’s… you mean Batman? The Batman?”

Harley shrugged, “yeah, Batsy. He has quite a lot of them so I like to try and stay updated when he gets a new kid. You almost fit the bill, young teen, dark past, though the powers would be new.”

“How do you know I have a dark past?”

“Well, you said you were a ghost, right? Meaning you died and judging by your age, died before you even finished high school. I’d call that a dark past,” she kept out the lingering question of how he died, that wasn’t something you exactly ask someone when you first meet them. “So you aren’t one of Batsy’s kids?”

The kid shook his head, “nope,” he popped the p, “never even met the dark knight before. I barely visit Gotham, well anywhere if I can help it, I try to keep my problems in my home turf.”

“I see, you know what, I should’ve known better. Batsy would never let his kids run around this late anyway,” she hummed. “I did once see him chew a Robin out for fighting crime past his curfew, it got me arrested for sticking around to watch but boy was it worth it!” She laughed. She was surprised that Batman hadn’t gotten to this kid yet, anyhow. He didn’t always stick around Gotham ever since he joined that hero club, but that just meant that this dude had even more of a chance to find this kid. Must be dumb luck or something.

“Batman puts curfews on his sidekicks?” The kid asked, mouth agape.

“Well duh, the guy is all about the well-being of his kids. He has a no killing rule but he gets close to breaking it when one of his kids gets almost killed. He keeps them well fed, makes sure they sleep, I know because I can hear him from across rooftops at times and I fight enough of his kids to notice they aren’t skin and bones like you.”

The kid looked down at his ungloved hands, and she noticed him tracing the pattern of the ligament scar lightly with his other hand. His expression changed as he seemed to run through a series of thoughts before he spoke again, “why did you help me?” He asked, not looking up to meet her eyes, “you are a villain, right? You fight Batman and Robin, and other superheroes too if they face you. You know I’m not a villain, you said so yourself. So why help me? Wouldn’t it be better to just let a vigilante kid get knocked off so you don’t have to deal with him in future crimes?”

Harley felt her heart shatter, who the fuck hurt this kid like this? “I’m not some heartless bitch,” she said in a matter of fact tone, “you and all the teen sidekicks or vigilantes out there are still fucking kids. I have morals, and some villains don’t have the same morals as me, but seeing you getting kicked around by some freak in an alley where no one could see you? That kind of shit rubs me the wrong way. I fight teen heroes from time to time because I know they can handle it, they can fight back and I myself won’t stoop so low as to kill them if I manage to get in a few lucky hits.” She lightly nudged his shoulder, “and it’s not like you’ve personally wronged me or anything. I felt like being nice, helping out. You seem like a good kid, so why not help you out? Maybe one day I can call a favour and you can distract Bats while I kidnap the president?” She joked.

The kid looked up suddenly, sending his hair in rippling waves as he was giving her a wide eyed and the most worried look imaginable. She couldn’t help but let out another laugh, “I’m joking!” She clarified. “But I think we could have some pretty interesting game nights with Ivy. Not illegal game night, more like Uno or something. Maybe just a little gambling.”

The kid relaxed again, “well… uh… thanks. For helping me. And the food. And talking,” he rubbed the back of his neck, looking up at the sky.

“No problem, be sure to come visit again. Hey, maybe I can even introduce you to Bats at some point! Make a big show and pretend you are a villain and then BAM! Just kidding he’s just a glowing vigilante I helped out once!” She stood up, stretching her arms a little, “be sure to take it easy on your way to your home by the way, maybe take a nap or something on the way there.”

The kid nodded with a smile and stood up with her, then paused as shock filled his eyes and he spun quickly towards Harley, “Wait- how do you know I sleep-?”

Harley laughed, “well, I don’t think ghosts normally eat, so I’m assuming you sleep too,” she offered a soft smile, “just take it easy, and hey, if you ever find yourself in trouble.” Harley then pulled out a business card she usually kept for shits and giggles, handing over the poorly designed card to the kid, “know that you have a friend in Gotham who’s ready to help. And who knows how to get Batsy’s attention the fastest.” She winked.

The kid took the card, a confused grin tugging at his lips, “thanks. Hey, uh. I go by Phantom. Since I never really introduced myself.”

“Well Phantom, nice to meet you,” Harley grinned back.

[taiblogcomics]

The Sequel No One Asked For!

Hey there, fourth-dimensional thinking. So we finally finished Avengers Arena! That's good! But there was a sequel. That's bad! However, it was only ten issues! That's good! It's so bad that it was cancelled at only 10 instead of a full 12, and teetered on cancellation as early as issue 6. That's bad. It's not about child murder anymore! That's good! It is instead about the question of whether any of the survivors will instead slip into villainy over the incident. That's bad. But there will be catharsis for the previous series. That's good! But it'll still take all ten issues to get there. That's bad. ...Can we just get to the review now?

Here's the cover:

The covers will at least be a bit better than Arena's. They're actually relevant to the issue instead of being unnecessary movie homages. And, like, these covers are pretty cool. Very moody and lit dramatically. It's a pretty good cover that'll certainly draw the eye. Plus you put an actually notable villain like Baron Zemo front-and-center, that automatically pulls in a lot of points for the story's potential. Can it live up to this cover? Well, I guess we'll find out...

I will, however, take a moment and say that everyone's costume redesigns suck here, though. Like, I'm sure it's amazing and life-changing for Hazmat that she doesn't need to be confined to a suit anymore, but it was also a pretty striking and iconic look. And sorry, Cullen, but even if yours glows, you will never be as an iconic skull-wearing asshole as the Punisher. Even I can admit that. Anachronism's just spent all night on a Braveheart cosplay. And I've heard some costume changes within the story are even worse~

So we open with a news report to catch you up on the events of the previous series. In short, X-Men Z-lister Arcade was tired of being a joke, so he instead kidnaps 16 teenage heroes and does a Hunger Games. After thirty days on Child Murder Island and several child murders, the kids get rescued, the incident comes to light, and Arcade gets away with everything. Worse, according to this news report, he's a "household name", and the incident has over 2.5 billion views, which is bullshit. First of all, no way are that many people interested in what is essentially a Survivor snuff film. Secondly, that's gotta be breaking some TOS, c'mon.

So this whole news report is playing over what appears to be a public food court. As we cut away from it, a couple teens watching express disgust that the TV is interviewing Chase Stein yet again. One of the teens loves him, the other thinks he's the worst. They join a third friend, who instead has a third opinion: It's actually Hazmat who's the worst. As he rattles off his Top Ten Reasons Why Hazmat Sucks, it turns out--uh oh!--the actual Hazmat has been sitting two tables away, listening to this whole thing. And to express her annoyance, she nukes their table and storms away. Might've frightened them, but I think it's the restaurant who's going to be more annoyed by that...

And hey, speaking of Chase, remember when I said there were even worse design changes inside the story? Yeah, Chase's terrible mohawk, studs in both ears, and mirrored shades look awful. Like, Chase has always been more like... if he didn't make it as a surfer or rock star and went out for football instead, but kept the long hair. You feel me? Like straddling the line between "rock" and "jock". Now he's fallen off that line and landed squarely in "douchey biker stereotype". The leather jacket doesn't help, but it is at least the least awful part of his look~

Anyways, Chase is on a talk show, playing up how he's the most vocal of the kids to talk about the incident. And while his look is awful, his personality is at least fairly accurate. Chase does seem like the one who'd milk his chance at 15 minutes of fame. He even admits it on the air. Which is when a sudden power surge pops the lights and overloads the camera. It's Nico Minoru, and she's come to collect her pal. She's pissed that Chase broke the promise they made not to tell, but as he retorts, Arcade posted it all online and took credit. So what's even the point of keeping the secret anymore?

And while the pair of them finish up their argument and teleport away, we cut over to a SHIELD lab that's running diagnostics on Deathlocket. One is very clinical and excuses herself to run some tests. But being treated cold and technical is what Locket is used to. What she's not used to is the other guy, who starts gushing how she was his "favourite character" on the show. But it wasn't a show, it was her life. And she's the hero, right? She killed the bad guy. But she didn't do that, she just shot her best friend. And so she decides to leave. She's the one with the big cannon after all, who’s gonna stop her?

So we cut over to Anchorage, Alaska, the only time this has ever happened in fiction. It's a meeting in a town hall, and from the tone, it's clearly an Alcoholics Anonymous type meeting. Up on stage is Cammi's mother, and she's talking about how she stayed sober lately. And what it boils down to is that while other people would try to drown their worries, she could see Cammi out surviving on Child Murder Island. And seeing what a survivor her daughter is gave her the strength to do the same. Cammi, who is attending as emotional support, blushes and slinks lower in her chair.

As the meeting lets out, Cammi lets her mom know that she has somewhere to be that night. And no, she means somewhere else, shedding her parka to reveal an updated spacesuit underneath. It's not too bad. Her old one was like a big orange NASA-approved astronaut suit. This one's more of a form-fitting space-ranger type deal, with glowy accents and a belt with an insignia and everything. Her mom, in tears suddenly, says Cammi has to let that stuff go and live her life. Cammi replies that she's working on it, jetting off with her rocket boots.

So now we cut over to Cullen Bloodstone--or more specifically, a video by him. Of course, Cullen is a vertical video dingus. So his whole video is him with a huge plasma cannon and Arcade's address. And he blows up the house! But he doesn't find Arcade's charred remains in the wreckage, so he gets pissed and kicks the camera over. Ah yes, a very legal video, I'm sure. Though I guess if Arcade's whole 30-day Child Murder Island series didn't get flagged, I don't think there's any limits in the Marvel universe's Youtube.

Cammi lands at Bloodstone Manor, and Anachronism greets her at the door. The rest of the group teleports in with Nico, and that's our cast. Just the seven of 'em. Darkhawk, Reptil, and X-23 won't be returning for the sequel. They're the real heroes here. Anyway, Cullen isn't actually here, despite this being his house. But we've seen him out doxxing Arcade and putting it on video. He's fine. In fact, that's why they're here: Anachronism called them because Cullen dropped out of school, and when he went looking at home for him, he found... Well...

He opens the door to (presumably) Cullen's bedroom, and it's exactly what you'd expect from a stable individual who shoots videos in portrait mode. The place is covered in newspaper articles and other printouts, some of Arcade, others of his known associates. Worse, if that's not crazy enough, there's just big letters of "KILL ARCADE" written overtop in spraypaint. Even a little doll dressed up like Arcade, hanging from a little noose. Well, at least he's creative. Anachronism's take is that Cullen's lost it a bit, and I can't say I disagree~

If all this isn't compelling enough evidence, Anachronism shows them another video--and this one's actually shot in landscape mode, so maybe Cullen's not as far-gone as they think! But the gist of it is that he's in the nation of Bagalia, known hangout of Baron Zemo and the Masters of Evil. Since they've palled around with Arcade from time-to-time, Cullen figures this is the only place left that they can be. So he takes off his ring and goes full monster, preparing to wreck up the place until they cough up Arcade (or at least his hidey-hole).

So that was three weeks ago. Understandably, Anachronism is a bit worried since he hasn't heard from him since. And as a cutaway shows us, he has a good reason to be. Baron Zemo and his cohorts (Hellstrom, Constrictor, and Madame Masque) have taken control of Monster!Cullen and are wrecking up some SHIELD base somewhere with his power. So even if they don't quite know what they're saving him from yet, the issue ends with our remaining six heroes resolving to go get their pal and bring him home. And that, at least, I can root for~

Well, I’ll certainly admit, this is at least a much more interesting set-up than the previous series. It doesn’t start with a smug douchebag killing off a popular teen character, so it’s a strong improvement. And hey, as dumb as revenge is, it is at least also a relatable motive as well. So I can hardly hold that against Cullen, even if he’s gone a little cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. Given the worst sin of this issue is Chase’s ungodly awful redesign, it’s easily better than any issue in Avengers Arena. Dunno if it can keep that momentum going, but I live in hope~

[oliviayamaoka]

Heartfelt Deception Continuation (Joey / The Legion x F!Reader)

Joey x Reader Angst!!!!!!

Hi! I’ve been busy working and getting ready for university but I’ve been DYING to finish requests! I wanna put my heart and soul into the requests so sorry if it takes long! Working on finishing the Doctor stuff after this!

Anyways, general plot is you see Joey again but your reunion is short lived!

You weren’t sure how long you’d been in the Entity’s realm at this point. It felt like years but must’ve been a few months. It feared you apart on the inside thinking about all those you left behind. What terrified you most was the thought of you actually being dead. Were you just a husk being punished in this purgatory? This hell? What the hell did you even do to deserve this? You sighed deeply and looked upwards.

You awaited the trial. It had been almost two weeks since you were chosen to participate in a trial. You cherished every moment not being in those twisted games. A shudder ran through your spine remembering your last trial. You awoke in a bathroom with Kate Denson. There were devices on your heads and the voice of a man spoke, telling you that he wanted to play a game. While you and Kate played that awful game, the other two were doing generators. You got the trap off of your head but Kate wasn’t so lucky. It was terrifying but you couldn’t forget the image of the woman in red. The woman who wore a pig’s head as she chased you.

“Y/N?” A guy said to you as you jumped. You recognized the guy as Quentin Smith. He was around your age and you two talked before.

“Oh, hey.” You said with a smile, a nervous one.

“Are you, like… alright?” He asked you as you nodded.

“Just nervous.” You said to him.

Quentin was friendly but he looked extremely tired. He came the same time as the dream demon? You hadn’t personally fought this demon but you hated what you heard about him. But, you did remember where they came from. Elm Street, was it? Despite the atrocities that occurred here, you loved hearing about where all these mysterious people came from. He nodded in response and looked around.

“Yeah, me too. I, uh, heard that we might be fighting that ogre…” He said. You saw the fear in his eyes when he began to remember his own trauma fighting these creatures and murderers.

“Which one?” You ask, trying to lighten the mood as he chuckled quietly.

“The samurai one.” He said as you nodded. Y/N only fought him once. A hulking samurai who beat her down in an instant. You cringed, remembering the blunt force trauma on your back. Quentin noticed how uncomfortable you looked and cleared his throat.

“Anyways, yeah… it’s just gonna be me, you, Bill, and… Ace? I dunno, they’re old so I don’t really know how to talk to them.” He shrugged.

“Well, I have faith we’ll be fine. Bill might look old but you should see him in action.” You said with a grin. Bill once refused to leave you behind, carrying you on his back and throwing you out the exit gate once. Since then, you admired him and always had his back.

“Yeah, he’s a fighter, isn’t he?” Quentin asked as he yawned. You were about to say something but the familiar, cold fog surrounded you guys.

“Come find me.” He quickly said to you as the fog completely engulfed you.

You shut your eyes tightly, opening them again when you were sure you were in one of the realms. Your hair blew slightly when you looked around. This place seemed foreign to you. It was a hospital of some sort? Not Crotus Prenn. Y/N looked around, crossing her arms tightly. The hallway looked old, dirty, and bloody. In one of the many rooms were chairs and bathrooms?

Y/N shivered and peaked down the hallways. You didn’t see any of your teammates. As you walked into the waiting room, you saw a paper on the ground. You kneeled down and picked it up.

“Leary’s Memorial Institute exposé.” You mumbled, instantly lighting up when you realized this must’ve been the realm that belonged to the infamous Doctor. You didn’t fight him yet but you heard how he fought survivors. Electric blasts? The place seemed massive and long. You then remembered what you heard your friend say. ‘Come find me.’

“Quentin?” You called out, not too loudly in fear that the killer was around. When you got no response, you just began to quietly speed walk to the generator you spotted down the hallway.

You kneeled down, wasting no time in getting to work on it. The repairs came naturally to you. And when you were so focused on survival, you were determined on fixing this generator. The generator sparked and as you continued to fix it, it became more and more loud. At this point, you didn’t care if the killer heard you. You just wanted this generator to be completed.

Or at least you thought so, anyways. Your concentration broke when you heard a scream nearby, it must’ve been Ace? Your finger slipped and the generator blew up. Y/N covered her face as she rapidly stood up. You felt dazed for a moment and heard something sprinting towards you, you quickly turned around. You gasped loudly, holding your arms up in defence as you felt something slash through your forearm.

You let out a scream as the figure immediately stopped. Y/N stumbled a bit, panicking at the slash on your arm. The killer had been one of the Legion members. You immediately forgot about the rapid bleeding from the wound when you looked at the killer. It was Joey. He seemed frozen in place, immediately regretting his actions. He held his knife as he stared at you, breathing heavily from the fatigue he got from his frenzy. Joey wasn’t thinking straight earlier, he always had a temporary migraine whenever he finished his frenzy.

As he was about to reach out, a chair was thrown at him. It was Ace. He had a slash on his back from Joey’s knife. With confidence, he spread his arms out. Ace seemed somewhat pissed off too. Joey grunted and snapped his eyes to his direction.

“Come pick on someone your own size, pal.” He said as Joey switched the way he held his knife.

“Run, kid!” Ace yelled at you.

You looked at Joey before nodding and quickly breaking into a sprint. Joey watched you, feeling frustrated at his situation. He quickly began to chase Ace, wanting to hook him and find you as fast as possible. Y/N continued running and vaulting into random rooms. You held your forearm, losing more and more blood. Y/N eventually stopped running, feeling exhausted and lightheaded.

You kneeled down, biting your lip hard as you pressed your forearm into your shirt. It stung and the sight of your own blood was making you panic. In fact, you didn’t even realize how much sound you were making, breathing heavily and crying. When you heard footsteps beside you, you basically shrieked but quickly realized it was just Bill.

“Ah, shit.” He said, throwing his cigarette to the side. He kneeled down beside you and looked at your wound.

“Quentin, get your ass over here!” He yelled. You covered your mouth with your other hand as Quentin entered the room, carrying a medkit he must’ve found. How did he always manage to find a medkit? You didn’t care right now.

“Are you okay? I mean, obviously not but…” Quentin said, quickly opening the medkit for Bill.

“It stings.” You said.

“Who was it?” Bill asked, taking your wrist as he began to quickly clean your wound and mend you. You shook your head.

“I-I don’t know… he’s after Ace right now.” You said. The three of you heard the familiar scream of Ace in the distance. He must’ve been hooked.

“Not anymore.” Bill huffed as he wrapped a bandage around your arm.

“There was no alcohol or stuff in it, sorry.” Quentin said as you nodded.

“He’s one of the faster ones, though.” You said as Bill helped you up. He has his usual mean mug.

“We best split up and work on seperate gene. If you see the bastard, you better man the hell up and run for the sake of the rest of us. I’ll get Ace. You kids work on fixing these godddamn machines.” Bill said in his usual gruff tone.

“Yeah…” Quentin said nervously.

“Okay… got it.” You said as the three of you quickly ran in seperate directions. There was no need for small talk with no generators completed yet.

You ignored the pain of the wound. Not because of your objective but because he was here? What the hell were the odds of seeing him again? Why didn’t he just kill you in Ormond? Maybe, it was a deception trick? You didn’t know and it was starting you drive you crazy. He even shows you his face. His face! You never forgot what he looked like. You also never forgot how he felt, sitting so close to you and comforting you? You felt your face heat up at the thought but got angry thinking about how it just could’ve been a lie.

You walked back to your generator, quickly going back to work on it. As you kneeled down, you yelped as you were pried off of the generator. Y/N panicked as the gloved hand covered her mouth.

“Please don’t scream!” You heard the familiar voice of Joey say to you. You struggled but quickly stopped, curiosity getting the better of you.

You quickly ripped away from him when he let you go. You turned around, eyes wide and your posture tense. Joey tilted his head, taking in your features as his shoulders loosened. It felt so intoxicating for him to finally see you again. He pulled his hood back and took off his mask. You still felt on edge when he did so. Joey knew he didn’t deserve to act so friendly but still, he smiled seeing you again.

“Look… I know things look bad right now.” He began as you furrowed your eyebrows.

“Bad…?!” You whisper shouted.

“I’m sorry, okay?! I didn’t mean to…! The Entity makes me and my friends go into this weird ass bloodlust state where we want you just stab everything in sight, I stopped as soon as I recognized you!” He explained, rambling a bit.

“Stopped, huh?” You questioned, mad about your wound. It was pretty deep. He sighed deeply, holding his head in frustration.

“Look, I could’ve done so much worse than that, okay…? I just, I’m sorry, okay?” He said.

“You don’t sound that sorry.” Y/N replied, you crossed your arms.

“Man, just bare with me, aight? I’m not used to saying stuff like that.” He said, clearly flustered.

You let your guard down and stared at him. Of course, you still felt extremely scared knowing he was one of the killers but he felt so… relatable? Funny, almost. Why was Joey even a killer? What did he even do?

“It’s okay.” You said after a few silent moments. He looked at you.

“Really…?” He asked, a bit dumbfounded.

“Yeah… it’s fine, it doesn’t hurt anymore.” You mumbled awkardly as he stood up straight again, putting his knife away.

“I doubt that but still… it’s nice seeing you again.” He said with a geeky smile. Your eyebrows lifted in surprise as you held your worst to your chest, looking around.

“I-um… why aren’t you trying to kill me…?” You asked in a quiet, awkward voice. It felt so strange speaking to other people your age. Quentin was fine but this was Joey.

Joey stared at you for a second. Not even he knew the answer to that question yet. Well, he didn’t but he didn’t want you outright tell you that he had a crush on you. He scratched the back of his neck and nervously looked around. He wanted to shoot his shot since he wasn’t sure if he’d see you again for a long time but he didn’t want to rush things and make you uncomfortable. Not that he cared, if this thing between you two was possible then he’d be as patient and respectful as he could.

“I think you’re cool.” He replied as you stared at him. You blinked a few times in both shock.

“You think I’m cool…?” You questioned.

“Yeah, yeah… you don’t like that?” He asked.

“No, I do, but… you’re a killer.” You said, your eyes wide with fear subconsciously as you looked at him.

Joey felt a sting in his chest with the way you were looking at him. But, you were right. He was indeed a killer. Fucking Frank, he thought to himself. If it weren’t for him and Julie pretending to be so badass, he wouldn’t be here. Although, he probably wouldn’t have met you. He deserved to be here for helping them kill that janitor. Joey knew it deep down but he wanted to preserve the image of himself he wished he had. A geeky Canadian teenager. Something he once was before he hung out with the wrong crowd.

“I know I’m a goddamn murderer, okay?! I wish I wasn’t but I had no choice!” He snapped. You seemed taken aback by his sudden outburst.

“I’m sorry, I…” Y/N stammered as he shook his head, sighing deeply.

“No, it’s fine… my bad. I’m just used to getting mad easily ‘cause of my friends. I dunno, you just miss social cues when you hang out with the same three fuckers.” He said.

You fumbled with your hands nervously and looked towards the waiting room. You thought for a second before clearing your throat.

“Um… wanna sit…?” You asked nervously as you pointed towards the waiting room. Joey stared blankly before looking at you, surprised by the suggestion.

“Uh, yeah, definitely.” He nodded eagerly as he followed after you.

You walked into the room and sat down on one of the chair, putting one leg over the other. Joey seemed much more confident when sitting, getting comfortable with his arms crossed and legs spread. You didn’t know why but you smiled at how comfortable he quickly got. Joey was a mystery, an interesting one to say the least. Y/N looked around at the walls.

“So… how are you…?” You say.

“Chilling, I guess… you?” He asked.

“Surviving.” You joke as he chuckled lightly.

“Sorry, I gotta ask… what do you survivors even do after the trials? When I first got here, I thought you would all be dead permanently.” He said to you.

“Oh, uh, there’s like a campsite? We get our own tents and supplies. We kinda just explore the woods and dreadfully wait for the Entity to choose the unlucky four.” You explained.

“Unlucky four, huh? Why are you here?” He asked you. Y/N shrugged lightly.

“Honestly, I don’t know… I was happy and free until the fog came. I’m starting to lose track of the days.” You said.

“Me too.” Joey said with a deep sigh.

“Why are you here…?” You asked nervously.

“Me? Uh… fuck. Look, I’ve been doing some self-reflection and getting in touch with like, emotions and shit. I know what I did was wrong but it was Frank’s fault. And Julie influenced his dumbass… if only they didn’t think they were fucking Harley and Joker.” He muttered.

“What happened?” Y/N asked.

“I—or we, killed a janitor… it was some older dude. Me and Susie didn’t want to but I dunno, I never thought peer pressure was real but… I guess I was just scared shitless when I saw Frank with that knife…” He said. You could hear the guilt in his voice as he leaned forward.

“And it could’ve been something we could’ve easily redeemed ourselves for but… that’s when the Fog came. I dunno… ever since I met you, I’ve just been thinking a lot.” Joey said.

“Me?” You ask as he looked at you.

“Yeah… not in a weird way but, you’re cool and normal… something I don’t find often nowadays.” He shrugged as you nodded, your heart thumping from how flustered you’d become.

“So, who’s this Frank?”

“Frank? Well, he’s my bro. My best friend, as you people would say. I dunno, he was kind of a loser now that I think of it but ride or die, amirite? Anyways, I always knew he was kind of crazy. And Julie too. I never liked her too much, she was always kinda bossy. Especially towards Susie.” Joey explained.

“Anyways, we formed the Legion. It was us four against the world for a bit. Quite literally now that I think about it. I think the Entity changed Frank… he’s more… violent now? Literally doesn’t even listen to reason anymore.” He said.

“Sounds like an asshole, sorry.” You said as he smiled.

“He is, don’t worry.” Joey said.

“So, that’s why you’re here? You got scared and were forced to do something? That’s such bullshit.” You said, looking at him.

“Yeah, I guess so…. I’m really nothing to be scared of.” Joey said before falling silent, holding his head for a second when he heard whispers in his head.

“Are you alright?” You asked.

Joey felt the Entity’s anger with him. At times, it was scary. He remembered what happened to Susie when she didn’t comply with what it wanted her to do. It just twisted her even more and made Frank into a complete monster. He shut his eyes tightly. Joey wasn’t making an effort to sacrifice anybody and the Entity was growing tired and bored with this trial.

“I’m fine, just fatigue is all…” He lied.

“But, um… yeah, thank you for opening up to me about that stuff… and for your gloves.” You said, smiling warmly. He looked towards you.

“You remember that?” He asked.

“How could I not? You’re still my friend. A good one, at that.” You say, grabbing his hands softly and standing him up. Joey wished he didn’t have his other set of gloves on so he could feel your skin.

“I was gonna suggest you drink some water slowly but… there’s none.” You said to him.

“Real smart.” He sarcastically laughed with a grin. You smiled too.

“Please, I literally forgot we were in hell.” You said.

“Oh, this is hell?” He asked, becoming a bit more bold when it came to flirting with you.

“Maybe.” You replied with a smile.

You frowned when he held his head again. Joey grunted at the sudden sharp pain in his head, a migraine worse than when the frenzy ended. You put your hand on his shoulder, watching him with concern as he grit his teeth. Why they hell was this happening now? Why the fuck did the Entity suddenly care so much? Joey knew what it wanted. It wanted it to hurt her.

“Y/N…” He muttered.

“Uh, what’s up…?” You asked in concern.

“I don’t think it wants us to waste anymore time.” Joey said, wincing from the pain and becoming more overwhelmed when the whispers grew louder. Y/N couldn’t hear anything.

“What? The Entity?” You asked.

“Listen, you should just… run, okay? Go do a generator or something.” He said before he cried out in pain after finishing his sentence.

“Joey?!” You asked with panic in your voice.

“Fuck…! Quit it, you motherfucker!” Joey yelled at the Entity, holding his head. You rubbed his back, totally unsure of what to do.

“I-It’s okay…! Don’t listen to it!” You said to him.

“I’m sorry… I’m so sorry.” Joey said to you when you suddenly felt a sharp pain plunge into your stomach. Your eyes widened as Joey stood tall, aggressively twisting the knife before pulling it away.

You coughed out blood onto his chest, clinging to his shoulders when you felt yourself lose blood rapidly. Joey pushed you back, slashing again at your chest. In that moment, he felt rage, anger, sadness, regret, shame, and guilt. But, the bloodlust he felt was even stronger than what the frenzy made him feel. He couldn’t control it. The Entity did. You wailed as you curled up, not expecting anything that just happened. Joey cleaned his knife off, putting his mask back on and lifting his hood.

Joey didn’t speak. He couldn’t even look at you when he picked you up. It made him feel even worse at how weakly you were wiggling. You punched at his back as hard as you could but you were ready to faint at any given moment due to the extreme blood loss. Joey shut his eyes tightly once he got to the hook, hoisting you off of his shoulder onto it. Your eyes shot wide open at the hooked sensation. The hook shot adrenaline through your body as you tried lifting yourself up, letting out a scream as you hung there.

He couldn’t even bare to look at you. Even in his crazed state of mind, he seemed ready to just kill himself. Why did the Entity do what it did? He just turned and walked away as fast as he could. Due to the amount of time you wasted with Joey, the Entity just decided to kill you then and there. It didn’t want to wait for any of your fellow survivors to come and get you. It was bored and hungry. Joey began his frenzy once he heard the Entity finish you off, deciding to take his anger out on the remaining survivors.

You slowly opened your eyes to see Yui watching you intently. She seemed surprised you were awake and brushed your forehead. Beside her was Claudette who made sure you were okay.

“You’re awake.” She said.

“Yui…?” You asked, disorientated.

“You did not last long, at all.” She jokingly said as you sat up. Claudette seemed too shy to tell you not to sit up. You winced.

Usually, it would take a few days for all wounds to completely heal.

“You guys must have had a rough trial.” Laurie said as she kneeled down beside you. You looked towards the other three.

Quentin, Bill, and Ace seemed to be in a worse condition than you. Multiple bandages and bloodied wounds. Your mind immediately went to Joey. What had happened? You winced at the pain in your stomach.

“It’s a really deep wound. Just sit back and relax.” Laurie said to you as you nodded.

You thought about Joey. You remembered your last interaction with him, how he seemed unwilling to kill you. What did the Entity do to him? Would he be like that forever? You teared up at the thought of it. Joey didn’t deserve to be here, he was just like you and Quentin. He was normal. You shut your eyes and hopes that maybe you’d see him again. There was a sense of heartache within you when you thought of him now.

“Heard you had an amazing fucken trial.” Frank said to Joey, congratulating him but Joey wasn’t having any of it.

“Fuck off, Frank.” He growled at him as Frank held his hands up jokingly.

“Too much palettes dropped on your tiny brain, Joe?” Julie asked sarcastically, sitting close to the fire inside the lodge in Ormond.

“The Entity seemed happy with your trial, Joey. Maybe we won’t have to do one for a while.” Susie suggested, twirling her knife.

“Probably for the fucking best.” Joey muttered as Frank stood up, tilting his head.

“Why are you so riled up, man?” He asked.

“Just leave it, Frank. Joey’s becoming soft.” Julie said, rolling her eyes.

“And you’re not? We’re in a whole different fucking dimension!” Joey snapped.

“Why would I be? We get to do whatever we want.” Julie shrugged.

“I thought that way too… when I was a fucking kid.” Joey said to her as she glared.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Frank questioned him.

���You guys are still so fuckcing delusional… we can do whatever we want, really?! Even if we weren’t in his shit hole, we wouldn’t have had money, jobs, or a place to stay. I can’t believe I was that fucking childish to think this was paradise.” He said to them.

“Where the fuck is this coming from then, huh?! You just had a good fucking kill sesh and now here you are bitching like a fucking pansy.” Frank said to him.

“Kill sesh? Maybe, I am a fucking pansy for not wanting to be cool and edgy for killing innocent people.” Joey said, inches away from each other’s faces.

“Innocent people, huh? Who’d you see there, Joey?” Julie asked, a grin on her face. She seemed excited from the anger.

“Nobody.” He quickly replied.

“Was it somebody from school?” She asked.

“I didn’t see nobody, now fuck off.” He said.

“Ever since that one Ormond trial, you’ve been acting so fucken soft. We all noticed, Joey. You feel bad for one of those survivors, don’t you?” Julie said to him.

“They’re not worth feeling sorry for, Joey. They’re here for a reason and we have to punish them.” Frank said to him.

“How the fuck do you know that? Did that janitor deserve it?! Did Susie deserve this?! They sure as hell didn’t and neither did Y/N!” Joey yelled at them. Susie’s face lightened a bit. She also missed her old life but was often bullied by Julie.

“Y/N, huh? Must be one of those newer gals. You like her, Joey?” Julie asked him.

“Skip of the tongue, bitch.” Joey muttered.

“Awe, you finally found a girl. Frank and I were starting to think you’d be a virgin for eternity.” Julie said to him with a laugh.

“Shut the fuck up.” Joey said angrily.

“Whatever, she’s not worth it. She’ll probably end up as the Entity’s lunch by next week. Sometimes it kills survivors for good. Just imagine what it would do to somebody one of the killers cared for.” Frank said, smiling when the realization hit Joey.

“Awe, Joey’s showing emotion for once.” Julie teased. Joey felt scared for the first time in forever. Was it true? Would it kill Y/N because he cares for her in that way?

“Leave him alone, guys. You act like you’re not a couple.” Susie said to them.

“Oh, shut up. That’s different, we’re a group.” Julie rolled her eyes.

“Fuck you guys.” Joey said as he stormed off, leaving the other three. He needed to check up on Y/N somehow.

[thanksjro]

Bayverse: Treating These Movies with More Dignity than They Deserve or Contain, Because I’m a Goddamned Professional - Part One

TRANSFORMERS (2007) - UNCOMFORTABLE SEXUAL TENSION BETWEEN TEENAGERS THAT I DIDN’T NEED TO SEE

So.

This is a little different than what I usually do.

Clearly.

God, how did we even get here?

Oh, I remember.

The date was September 17th, 2020, and I was in a stream with nine or ten other people watching the first Bayverse Transformers movie. Why we were watching it doesn’t particularly matter- sometimes you just gotta watch garbage so you can refresh your palate for the good stuff, I suppose. Also, a couple of folks wanted to make goo-goo eyes at Blackout’s rotors.

...It’s not my thing, but I’m glad they’ve got something to make the journey worth taking.

I made some sort of comment about only using my brain for this blog’s content, and someone (you know who you are :)) suggested that I take a proper look at the film. Being who I am, I immediately latched onto this idea, despite it being technically outside of what I write about.

And then I quintuple-downed, because winners don’t quit.

Good to know that my BA in Film Production wasn’t a complete waste of time.

Fun fact, I broke my television trying to watch Transformers for this. I think the universe was trying to stop me, by making me perform surgery on electronics, and also aggravating my carpal tunnel.

This movie came out when I was 13, and it was the first Transformers thing I saw after Cybertron. Yes, the anime one. No, not the one that’s objectively terrible.

Anyway.

How did I feel about Transformers when I saw it the first time? Well… it was okay. I liked the robots. I thought Mikaela was pretty, not that I knew what that meant back then. I watched it a few times, if only because my oldest younger brother kept renting it at Blockbuster. It was fun.

Now I’m older, and wiser, and know feminist theory, so my opinion is less “this exists” and more “blind, murderous rage”.

Our film opens up with some claptrap about the Cube™, a MacGuffin of ultimate power that allows the Transformers to create worlds in their image and populate them. Which means this is how they reproduce.

It always comes back to baby-making, doesn’t it?

The narration goes on about how the Cube™ is very powerful, and some folks wanted it for good, and others for evil. The criteria for being “good” and “evil” isn’t established, and I’m not exactly sure how one would define such a thing, when all the Cube™ does is create life, but, well, we’ve only just begun. Maybe we’ll get some answers later on.

Haha, I doubt it.

So, the Cube™ is the catalyst for our 4 million year war this continuity, and that sucker was lost in the shuffle a while back. This is a problem, because, again, the Cube™ is how the Transformers reproduce. Now everyone’s in a mad scramble to find the thing so their species doesn’t die out.

Three guesses as to where it ended up, and the first two don’t count.

Smashcut to the shit nobody cares about- the humans. We see an Osprey fly over the Qatar desert, carrying a buttload of American soldiers. We get a taste of some good old-fashioned xenophobia, as several soldiers mock a guy for not speaking English and loving his mother’s cooking, going full “funny haha gibberish language” on him. We’re two and a half minutes into the film, and I already want to stab something.

Ed Sheeran breaks into the conversation, I guess because he was feeling left out, revealing that he is the New Yorker stereotype of the film, for some reason. The fellas ask their captain, Lennox, what he’s looking forward to most about getting home from their tour, and he reveals himself to be a family man. While he’s been away, his wife had a baby, who he hasn’t so much as held yet. His men respond by mocking him.

For loving his child.

We’re three minutes into the film, and the toxic masculinity might actually make me have an aneurysm.

The Ospreys land, the lads disembark, and we get a snapshot of what downtime during deployment looks like to Bay. There are a lot of kiddie swimming pools involved. Two men play basketball. We watch multiple men take outdoor showers. A young Qatari boy brings Lennox a camelback water pack with a smile on his face. This lets me know that he’s a prop and not a character in this film. I can’t wait to see how many horrors he’ll be put through to simulate pathos.

We get a shot of a helicopter flying over the desert, one that the US military doesn’t recognize as their own. They send a couple of planes to check it out, and said planes get their shop wrecked. The helicopter is revealed to be the same ‘copter that was shot down several months prior. That’s… not good. Ghost helicopter?

No. Not at all, actually.

Lennox gets on a video chat with his wife and daughter, who is wearing one of the most ridiculous baby outfits I’ve seen in a hot minute. And I used to work in childcare, so I’ve seen a good amount of those. The writing implies that normal bodily functions are unladylike and therefore undesirable… in an infant… and that’s when all hell breaks loose, thankfully saving me from more of Bay trying to make me give a shit about these characters.

The helicopter lands, we get a shot of the mustachioed pilot, who glitches (gasp), and the line “have your crew step out or we will kill you” is uttered. Not even trying to hide the nationalism, are you?

This film hit theaters in 2007, when the xenophobia from 9/11 was still heavy in the air of the general populace, so things like this were more tolerated, and in fact approved of. Of course, it’s not like America has really improved on that subject, or ever really had a point where we weren’t terrible about it, since we live in a world where the military-entertainment complex exists.

See, the Department of Defense and a good chunk of American entertainment industries have a little deal going, and have for the last few decades, and it goes like this: The DoD will allow the use of their vehicles, personnel, and bases, or the likenesses of such, for free, in exchange for their operations being shown in a positive/morally justified light. This is why you never see the armed forces portrayed in a way that makes them out as anything less than heroes- nobody would be able to afford the sets/likenesses without the DoD’s aid. This is also why you see straight-up advertisements for the military branches on televison, in cinemas, and online, and why both the Army and Navy have flirted with having Twitch channels.

It’s all a ploy to get you to join the military, kids. It’s propaganda.

But enough about that, it’s time for our first transformation sequence!

We get a lot of moving parts with this, since it’s realistic CGI in a live-action movie, and it still holds up. It’s hard to tell what’s actually happening, but it, if nothing else, feels alien, surreal, and horrific to behold. They even included the original sound effect in the cacophony, which is nice.

Our ghost helicopter reveals itself to be a Transformer, not that we get that terminology at any point in this film. This specifically is Blackout, a Decepticon. The soldiers start firing on him the moment he starts transforming, then are surprised when the thing they started shooting with several guns retaliates. This is the point where everything ever in this military base explodes, brilliantly and repeatedly, because it wouldn’t be a Bay film without it. There’s a lot of shouting and bright lights, and I’m positively certain that a great deal of people died during this fight.

It’s just a shame that I don’t care.

Blackout rips the top off of a building like it’s a tin of anchovies, and then snags all the hard drives he can, downloading everything. This is a problem, but it seems like nobody was prepared for a giant alien robot hack-attack, because in order to shut down the power to the servers, you need to be able to unlock the breaker box, and no one seems to have the key. They solve the problem with a fire ax.

Lennox is leading the Qatari boy through the base towards safety. I should mention that it’s night now, and several hours seem to have passed since the Ospreys landed, so I don’t know why this kid is still here. He’s got, like, a house and family to go home to.

We get some more tank-throwing action, Sergeant Epps almost gets flattened under Blackout’s foot, then the movie decides it’s going to try to make things more interesting by having each shot cut flash, for whatever reason.

Someone shoots Blackout with a rocket launcher, I think, and this is the point where he throws his tiny little man off his back to go do his job. Yes, Blackout’s got a baby, and that baby is Scorponok, his symbiotic pal who likes to dig into the ground and be a sneaky little bastard.

Blackout blows up a ton more military equipment and personnel, and then it’s time for another smashcut.

Now we’re in high school, just like all those dreams I’ve had where I’ve forgotten my homework. This is where we meet Sam Witwicky, our main character, and also the stand-in for our target demographic. He’s insufferable, and I don’t like him. Mikaela Banes, our love interest, is also present in this scene, but we don’t get to know about her character for, like, another 20 minutes, because who gives a shit about women, right? They’re just props, right?

Right???

RIGHT??????????

RIGH-

Sam is presenting on his great-great-grandfather, Archibald Witwicky, for his family genealogy report, in front of a class containing maybe three actors who are age appropriate.

I know child labor laws are a good thing, and that hiring adults to play teenagers is just the lay of the land, but I swear some of these students look like they’re old enough to be on their second mortgage and third kid.

Anyway.

Archibald Witwicky was an explorer, one of the first to traverse the Arctic circle, and apparently his crew was made up of folks from 2007, because I swear the clothing for a few of these dudes isn’t period-appropriate. We get a seamen joke, because of course we do, and a sextant joke, because of course we do. Sam is also hawking all this crap he’s brought in for the presentation, because he is a little bastard who has no idea what his peers would want to buy, or really how to relate to them at all. He’s selling these “priceless” artifacts so he can get a car. Mikaela finds this charming, for some fucking reason. Also, her boyfriend is weirdly stroking her shoulder blade with his knuckles the whole time this is happening, and I hate it.

Archibald Witwicky went mad after his expedition, talking about an “ice man” so often that his family ended up locking him in a mental asylum, likely to be forgotten about. Which is sad. But we won’t be getting into the medical mistreatment of the mentally ill in Bayverse, now will we? That’s just Too Deep™.

Sam’s teacher didn’t very much appreciate having his class be turned into an episode of Antiques Roadshow, but still gives Sam an “A” on the project, despite it being a very poor report that lasted all of two minutes. I suspect the teacher has tenure, and therefore no longer gives a shit about academic integrity. This “A” means that Sam’s father will buy him a car.

Which is nice, I suppose, if I gave a damn.

Sam’s father, Ron, picks up his son in a car he probably bought at the crux of his midlife crisis, in a green that reminds me of a school gymnasium floor, then plays a prank on his child by pretending to pull into the Porsche dealership. Sam isn’t getting a Porsche, which is good, because he doesn’t deserve one. As Sam gripes to his father, a yellow Camaro drives by oh so conspicuously. Wonder what’s up with that.

Instead of the Porshe dealership, they head over to the used car lot, which is being run by Bobby Bolivia, who spends his time yelling at his employees and wanting to murder his mother. Sam is incredibly ungrateful about the fact that his dad is helping him get a car, even though it’s his FIRST car, and nobody gets a nice one the first go around. Or, at least, they shouldn’t, given the statistics about accidents with young drivers.

“No sacrifice, no victory” is uttered by Ron, which is the family motto, or so he claims. Archibald Witwicky said the same thing when he had multiple people dying trying to get to the Arctic Circle, so there’s precedence for the phrase, but we’ll see how it holds up throughout the film.

Bobby Bolivia shows Sam and Ron the cars he has for sale, and Sam is immediately drawn to the yellow Camaro in the lot, though there’s a small problem- it’s too expensive for what he and his father agreed to. Also, nobody knows where the hell it came from, so paperwork might be an issue. When Bobby tries to show Sam the yellow Beetle they have right down the line, everything explodes, because this is a Bay film, and fuck the original material this movie was based on. Bobby lets them have the Camaro for a lower price, suddenly fearful of whatever strange powers have just visited his place of business. “The car picks the driver” is suddenly more than a bullshit line to spout off in order to sell cars, and I’m certain that’s shaken the poor man.

Over in Washington, D.C., the Secretary of Defense prepares to address just what the hell happened in Qatar, lamenting on how young the audience he’s going to be speaking to is. In particular, he’s referring to the two dweebs and the hot chick sitting in one of the rows. All the women in this movie who aren’t someone’s mom are made up to be very pretty. And not even in a realistic way. But we’ll get to that in a bit.

So, the military network was hacked. That’s bad. Nobody knows who did it. That’s also bad. The only lead the US has is a soundbite, which is the signal that hacked the network.

Everyone here at the briefing is going to be helping to figure this mess out. This is great, if you like looking at Rachael Taylor for a few seconds at a time, and can compartmentalize hard enough to make that worth the effort of watching this godforsaken film.

Back at the Witwicky household, we meet Mojo, a chihuahua with a cast that doesn’t seem like it’s actually doing anything. I wish he was the main character instead of Sam.

Sam arrives home from the dealership, and says “alright, Mojo, I’ve got the car. Now I need the girl.”

As if ownership of a person is something to aspire to.

As if women are property to be owned.

As if women aren’t people, but rather commodities.

We’re 17.5 minutes into this film.

We’re introduced to Judy, Sam’s mother. She’s shrill, and annoying. This is by design, because none of the women in this film are actually people, but rather archetypes to bounce off of the male characters.

Sam and his father have a moment of what some might consider banter, then Sam gets huffy with his mom over gender roles for the dog. I, for one, think Mojo looks positively dashing in his bedazzled collar, and to hell with whatever Sam says to the contrary.

Sam drives off to go be a misogynist, with the promise to be back by 11PM.

Over in Qatar, the soldiers and that little boy are running from the attack on their base, as Lennox’s wife watches a public announcement on the matter back at home. The Secretary of Defense lets us know that we’re at DEFCON Delta at this point. Lennox Jr. cries, and all I can think about is how they probably pinched that baby to make that happen. They pinched a baby for Transformers (2007).

The soldiers in Qatar talk about shit they have no idea about, Sergeant Epps going on about somehow having been able to see a forcefield around Blackout through his super special binoculars. I don’t know how, or why, he knows this. I don’t know anything anymore.

Ed Sheeran has his doubts about this whole thing, and Lennox is also present in the scene, because I guess he’s important. Through a bit of dramatic irony, Fig- the guy everyone was making fun of for being bilingual at the start of the film- says that this probably isn’t over, as the shape of Scorponok shifts through the sand just beyond them.

Epps is having a minor crisis over the fact that Blackout saw him, but we don’t have time for that, because we’ve got to get to cover. The lads decide to head to the little Qatari boy’s house. Again, I wonder why he was at the base at all, considering that it seems like they’ve been traveling for a good portion of the day.

Back with Sam, he’s picked up his friend Miles, and together they’re going to a lake party. Are they invited to this party? Yes, but also no. It’s public property though, so it should be fine. As they park, Sam notices that Mikaela is here, which is great for him.

Mikaela’s boyfriend, Trent- whose name I had to look up- is a massive tool, and starts pestering the two boys for daring to exist in his airspace. Miles climbs a tree. I’m glad he’s having fun, at least. Sam makes a joke at the expense of people with brain injuries, and this for some reason? Warrants a shot of Mikaela making the blank “pretty girl” face? In response?

Mikaela saves Sam from becoming a wet stain on the grass, which is very kind of her, and more than Sam really deserves. Trent, his boys, and Mikaela start to head off for another party, to get away from Sam and his tree-loving friend. Mikaela offers to drive, and Trent says that she can’t handle his truck, because she’s a ~girl~. This causes Mikaela to ditch him, and start walking home.

The script knows enough about misogyny to know that this would be a nice “take that”. Michael Bay, however, likely fails to see why everything he did with said script involving this character is a goddamned problem.

Because Mikaela, bless her heart, has a lot of problems.

Let’s start with the outfit: a croptop, a jean skirt that BARELY covers her ass, and a pair of wedge heels that are at least four inches tall. On a character that is, at oldest, freshly 18.

Look, I’m all about self-expression and the freedom to choose how you dress for yourself and yourself alone, but this clearly isn’t that. This is a character, not a person, whose wardrobe was designed for the straight male gaze. She’s wearing fucking STRAP HEELS to the lake. This is about oogling. This is about reducing a whole-ass person to the same status as a piece of meat. In fact, who was on wardrobe for this? I’d like to have a few words with-

A woman? Okay, well, what else has she worked on?

You can’t be fucking serious.

ANYWAY.

Miles just called Mikaela an “evil jock concubine.” I don’t like Miles anymore.

As Mikaela walks down the road, strutting hard enough that I’ve got sympathy pains in my hips, the radio in the Camaro turns on, playing “Drive” by the Cars, and giving Sam a hell of an idea; he’s gonna drive Mikaela home, so she doesn’t have to walk the 10 miles to her house. Why he knows how far she lives from the lake isn’t addressed.

Sam kicks Miles out of the car and goes to give Mikaela a ride, which she accepts after a bit of self-deliberation, and also him making an ass of himself. The shot here is framed with Sam like he’s a normal-ass person, and Mikaela from her breasts to the top of her waist. Because of COURSE it is.

She hops in the car and then goes off about her taste in hot guys. Which is weird, and out of left field. Sam is about as confused as I am, then continues to make a fool of himself. This is his nature as a person. Mikaela has no idea who Sam is, even though they’ve gone to the same school for the last 10 years and have multiple classes together. And the fact that she was staring him down all through his genealogy presentation. And at the lake.

This movie isn’t very well thought out, I feel.

It’s at this point the the Camaro turns the key on itself and starts to sputter out and die, as “Sexual Healing” by Marvin Gaye pops on the radio.

I don’t like how this car is trying to get Sam laid.

I don’t like how this car is trying to get Sam laid with a girl who didn’t even know his name five minutes ago.

I don’t like how this car knows what sex is.

The Camaro breaks down on a cliff, and Mikaela hops out to work on the engine, and also to get the hell away from Sam’s sputtering.

As Mikaela admires the sweet engine in this Camaro, showing off her knowledge of cars, we get several shots of her from her breasts to her thighs, while Sam is treated like an actual person. Don’t bother trying to play it off as an artistic choice, Bay, this is blatant horndogging. This adds to NOTHING, other than my ire.

Sam says more stupid shit, and Mikaela, who must be the nicest fucking person in the world, just tells him to fire up the engine so she can try to sort out the problem. Then he asks why she goes for jackasses like Trent, and she decides that she’s hit her limit for today, opting to walk the rest of the way home. Good on you, Mikaela. Don’t take Sam’s bullshit.

Sam, realizing that he’s put his foot in his mouth for the 80th time today, pleads with his Camaro to do him a solid and work, and this actually works out for him. Great. Sam, victorious, once again offers Mikaela a ride, which she, once again, takes.

He drops her off without further incident, and she thanks him for listening. Even though they didn’t really talk that much. I dunno, maybe they had a super deep conversation offscreen. Mikaela asks Sam if he thinks she’s shallow, because clearly all women need approval from the men around them, and Sam says that there’s more to her than meets the eye.

Which made me groan aloud.

Anyway, she gets inside without a problem, and Sam professes his love for his new Camaro for allowing him to talk to a girl. Or at least talk at her.

Back in Washington, D.C., at the Pentagon National Military Command Center, we’re making weirdly racist calls on who hacked the military.

Up with Air Force One, a conspicuous boombox transforms into a robot, and then runs off to hack shit. The President of the United States requests some snack cakes. A flight attendant goes down to storage to retrieve said snack cakes, and finds that boombox in the elevator with her. Considering this is Air Force One, you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing, but this is Bayverse, and we don’t think here.

The flight attendant brings the boombox down with her and places it on the counter as she goes to get the presidential snack cakes. The boombox immediately disappears. Now, you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing, but this is Bayverse-

The flight attendant opens up the snack cake package, for some reason, and drops the cake on the floor. She then proceeds to eat it, and then act shocked when it tastes like floor. There’s a robot in her fucking line of sight, and you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing-

She leaves to go feed the President floor cakes, and our little robot friend gets to work stealing government secrets. He, if nothing else, looks pretty cool doing it. He’s a very pointy lad.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie- Rachael Taylor’s character- can hear the hacking. This sends everyone into a panic, because, well, that shouldn’t be happening. The hacking noise is a direct match to the one from Qatar, so that’s obviously a problem.

Back on Air Force One, our little robot friend is looking for “Project Iceman”, which he very quickly finds, and downloads everything they’ve got on it, and also plants a virus. The process seems to be… doing things to him. It’s weird. This movie is weird.

The Pentagon cuts all the system hardlines, stopping the process, but it’s too late- he got what he wanted, just about. Two security personnel come into the room, and the robot kills them both with some spinning blade disc nonsense. Air Force One is forced to land for the safety of everyone on-board. More security detail comes in to deal with the little bastard, but he transforms into a boombox and sits on a shelf to avoid suspicion. Now, you’d perhaps expect-

With the plane grounded, our robot is able to walk his little ass over to a cop car. And when I say walk, I do mean walk; this fucker is in multiple folks’ line of sight and nobody notices a thing. When he enters the car, he’s greeted by the mustachioed driver- the same driver who was operating the helicopter at the beginning of the film. This mustache man is a holographic avatar, one that’s being used by all the Decepticons.

We get our first real taste of Cybertronian language, as our robot- it’s Frenzy, his name is Frenzy- lets everyone know that he’s found a clue to the location of the AllSpark, and, through the power of the internet, knows where to find the guy who’s gonna give them what they need.

Three guesses to who it is, and the first two don’t count.

Back at the Witwicky household, Sam’s car does a runner in the middle of the night. Sam, horrified that his property is being stolen, pursues on a bike, screaming at his dad to call the cops. Sam also calls the cops, as he tears through the neighborhood.

The Camaro breaks into an abandoned building, Sam follows, and we finally get a shot of our audience appeal character. Sam watches in disbelief as a giant yellow space robot shines a beacon into the sky, then makes a video on his flip phone recording the experience. He apologizes to his parents for owning pornographic magazines, and goes to face his probable demise.

However, death does not come from above, instead manifesting itself as two of the strongest junkyard dogs in the known universe, who break their brick-inlaid chains to get at this little dip of a man. Sam is chased through the yard, climbing on top of a couple precarious oil drums, even though there’s a ladder, like, right there. The Camaro rolls in, scaring off the dogs, and Sam bolts, throwing the keys to his ride at his ride. When he gets outside, the cops have arrived, and immediately arrest him.

Back with the US government, the Secretary of State is having a conversation about all the bullshit that just went down with Air Force One. He and his fellow cishet old white men discuss their options, until Maddie comes in to set them straight on some of the facts. They act all indignant about it, because women can’t be smart, right?

Right???

RIGHT??????????

RIGH-

Anyway, we get a weird little deflection of Maddie’s role in everything, because a woman is nothing without the men around her, then she brings up the point that the bullshit that happened on Air Force One went down in just a few seconds, which isn’t something that anyone can actually do. She brings up quantum mechanics, which everyone blows off as nonsense- not that I wouldn’t as well- and theorizes on a DNA-based computer, which is technically a thing, if not trapped in the realm of speculation. It’s at this point that the Secretary of Defense tells her to come back when she can back these wild claims up, and isn’t just clearly spitballing.

And then he snaps his fingers at her, and any point he might have had leaves my brain so I have more room for being enraged.

Back with Sam, we’re at the police station talking to the cops. His dad is here, and Sam is trying to explain that his car is a dude. Even though he took at a video (one that was likely crap, given how quickly he spun his phone around to show off what he was seeing) the cops, understandably, don’t believe him. Then one of them, not so understandably, starts… threatening Sam? With his sidearm? And daring him to try something? This isn’t any sort of statement on the corruption of American law enforcement, it’s just bizarre.

Back in Qatar, our soldier buddies have found a telephone line, and are going to try to use it to get in contact with the rest of the world. It’s just too bad that Scorponok’s decided to make an entrance, and knock said telephone line the hell down. Ed Sheeran has next to no reaction to this, despite it happening maybe ten feet behind him. Fig speaks Spanish, and Ed Sheeran makes a point to be an asshole about it.

Scorponok is about to stab Lennox with his very pointy tail, when Epps notices- finally, someone with peripheral vision- and starts shooting. Then everyone starts shooting, kicking up enough sand to blind themselves, as Scorponok scuttles away, buries himself, then reappears behind Ed Sheeran.

Ed Sheeran does not survive this experience.

The others bolt, not wanting the same to happen to them, and for the fourth time I wonder just why the hell this young boy was at the base in the first place.

Off in the distance, the community of a nearby town wonders just what the shit is going on out in the desert. Our soldiers run into the town, and everyone gets their guns and start firing on Scorponok, who retaliates, because why the hell wouldn’t he?

Lennox demands that the young boy take him to his father, and proceeds to borrow his phone. As shit goes down outside, we have a sort-of gag where Lennox is trying to contact the Pentagon, while a telemarketer tries to get him to buy a phone package. In order for this call to go through, he’s going to need a credit card. This is where the well-known “pocket” scene comes from, as Lennox searches Epps’ pants for his wallet as he fires on Scorponok. It’s probably the best-written thing in this whole film.

With the credit card acquired, Lennox finally gets through to the Pentagon, and tosses Epps the phone so he can talk. Maybe he’s got anxiety about speaking on the phone, I dunno.

Scorponok shows off his disregard for historical architecture, blowing up several buildings, and the US government just watches this all go down. One of the actors in this scene looks like my dad, and it trips me up every time he’s on screen. Anyway, now the Pentagon knows about the giant space robots running around in Qatar. They send over some air support about it. All this manages to do is piss Scorponok off.

So they try it again.

This time it works, sort of.

At the very least, he’s left now.

Tail fell off, though.

Also, Fig’s been grievously wounded. The others, for once, don’t make fun of his native language while they help him hold his blood inside his body.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie’s looking to prove that the bullshit that’s been going on is of the sci-fi variety, and in order to do that, she’s going to need a little outside help. She takes the information from the Pentagon, slaps it into an SD card, hides that shit in her blush compact, and then runs out the door to Glenn Whitmann’s house. Or, rather, his grandma’s house.

Glenn is a hacker, and shouldn’t be seeing anything that Maddie’s brought him, but everyone knows that confidentiality is for nerds, so whatever.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie’s immediately been caught. It’s almost like slapping the military network onto an SD card maybe wasn’t such a hot idea. But what do I know?

Glenn takes a look at the soundbite and figures out that there’s a code embedded in the thing in about two seconds. Good to know our tax dollars are being well-spent on the US military, that some dude in his jammies can figure this shit out faster than a whole team of analysts. They figure out that “Project Iceman” is involved with this somehow, and also the existence of Sector Seven. It’s at this point that the FBI busts in. Good. I kind of want Maddie to go to jail for this, because she was about as stupid as she could be handling the situation.

Glenn’s cousin goes through a closed glass door- don’t worry, it’s tempered- and there’s a weird cut before that exact same shot continues, and he’s tackled into the pool. There was no reason for that to have happened, but here we are.

Back with Sam, we’re treated to him in his boxers, shooting basketballs in his room. He goes into the kitchen, where Mojo is standing on a stool. It’s a very tall stool, the sort you sit on, and he’s just… there. I don’t know how he got there. There’s no one else in the room besides Sam, and I know he didn’t put him there.

Clearly this must mean Mojo is God, and being on that stool is his divine will. I will be approaching the rest of the franchise with this in mind, because it’s clearly the only answer.

Our merciful Lord Mojo jumps up on the kitchen counter and begins growling at something through the window. Sam looks out… the opposite window… to find that his Camaro has returned to him, and is less than thrilled about it, to put it lightly. He drops a jug of milk- luckily it was mostly empty, given the sound it makes when it hits the floor- and gives his buddy Miles a call. You remember Miles, don’t you? If you don’t, it’s fine, because he reestablishes his quirkiness with a single shot, as he sits in a swimsuit and bathes his huge-ass dog in a kiddie pool, and answers the phone with a headset he just happened to be wearing. He must get a lot of calls during Dog Washing Hours.


After giving us one of the most intense voice cracks I’ve ever heard, Sam books it out of his house, hopping on a bike to escape his murderous Camaro. He’s not seen the thing commit any murders, mind you, but he seems pretty convinced that it would do the job, given half a chance. Also, this isn’t the bike he rode the night before; that one is likely being chewed on by those strong-ass junkyard dogs. No, for some reason, the Witwickys have a pastel pink girl’s bike, with the fun little handle tassels and the basket and everything. As far as I can tell, Sam is an only child, and if you think Bay’s going to allow for a teenage boy to have the vulnerability to own a pink bike, you’ve not been paying attention for the last 48.5 minutes.

The Camaro gives chase, rolling after Sam on his bike at a brisk 7 MPH down the friggin’ sidewalk, one of the only scenes in this travesty of a film to actually get me to crack a smile. Sam races through town until city planning puts a stop to him, through the magic of using chunks of cement to decorate the mulch around their trees. He crashes his bike, faceplants into the concrete in front of Mikaela, and promptly dies, thus ending the film.

No, he doesn’t die. I just told a fib. I’m sorry.

Instead, he does a flip and lands on his back, likely receiving a concussion, in front of Mikaela and her friends. Her friends laugh, because everyone hates Sam, as they should, and Mikaela says that what he just did was “really awesome.” Don’t try to be nice, Mikaela, this is Sam we’re talking about; you could stick the dude in the freezer overnight and he still wouldn’t be even remotely cool.

Sam gets back to the whole “running away from a car” deal, and Mikaela decides that this is the sort of thing she’d like to do with her day, so she ditches her friends in the middle of their scheduled Burger King™ time to go see what the hell Sam’s on about.

As Sam is chased by the Camaro who is being chased by Mikaela on her motorized scooter, a cop becomes involved, tearing through the streets to join this ridiculous game of tag. Now, we’ve seen two different flavor of cop so far- the mustachioed avatar cop car that picked up Frenzy from the airport, and the dude who threatened a teenage boy with a gun after accusing him of being under the influence of drugs. Either way, I don’t think this is going to turn out well for Sam.

Sam’s cornered himself under one of those really wide bridges where people can park their cars, which wasn’t terribly smart, but it’s Sam, so this is about par for the course. The Camaro manages to miss him, but the cop car does not. Sam is actually pretty cool with the cops being here, as if they could do anything about “Satan’s Camaro.” I guess he didn’t see the decal on the side of this car that says “to punish and enslave…”

Sam attempts to approach the car for help, and gets clotheslined by a car door for his troubles. He hits his head on the pavement, certainly exasperating the brain injury he received not ten minutes ago. Still, he continues to try to talk to the holographic avatar through the windshield, revealing that the bike he’s been riding is his mother’s. Mystery solved, I suppose.

The cop car doesn’t much appreciate being slapped on the hood, and begins to rev violently at Sam, threatening to run him over several times. Then it explodes into being a robot. Sam, who’s seen a lot of really weird shit in the last 24 hours, nopes out of the situation. It’s at this point that I realize he’s wearing a shirt for the band the Strokes. I don’t know why that stuck out to me, but it did. Guess my brain needed something to latch onto during all this.

Sam is running as fast as his little legs allow, as our newest robot friend takes up a leisurely jog to keep pace. Then he kicks Sam. He kicks Sam’s body like the football. This, of course, instantly turns Sam into a bag of jelly and kills him, thus ending the film.

No, he doesn’t die. I just told another fib. I’m sorry.

Sam somehow survives being punted by a giant metal leg and lands in the windshield of a car that doesn’t turn into a robot. Then he gets yelled at by the cop car. This is Barricade, a member of the Decepticons, and Sam’s got something he wants. Or, should I say “LadiesMan217” has something he wants.

LadiesMan217 is Sam’s Ebay username. This is both stupid because no teenage boy existing beyond the year 1985 would have ever called himself that, and also because it’s just stupid.

Barricade wants the glasses Sam presented for his genealogy report, and he wants them NOW. Seeing as the thing he wants is for sale, and nobody had been bidding on it, one would wonder why Barricade and his associates didn’t just try to purchase them like upstanding citizens. Perhaps Decepticons don’t understand the concept of money, or perhaps they don’t have a stable address to have the glasses shipped to. Or perhaps nobody considered that angle when the script was being put together. Who can say?

Sam gets back to running away from Barricade, we see where Mikaela got to, and the two of them collide. Sam rips Mikaela off of her scooter, and they both fall to the ground. Mikaela, who did not buckle the clasp on her helmet, asks Sam what his fucking problem is. Then his problem shows up, and they take a very long time to get up so they can run. So long, in fact, that the Camaro has to swing in to save them. After much pleading from Sam, Mikaela gets inside Satan’s Camaro, and the two of them are whisked away to safety. Barricade pursues, and then the butt rock starts.

There’s a lot of screaming and yelling, the Camaro busts through a window and several shelves in an abandoned building, there’s some drifting, and then suddenly it’s nighttime. Barricade somehow got in front of the Camaro, and is circling like a shark. The Camaro locks the two teenagers inside itself, though I suppose they could climb out through the still-open windows if they really wanted to. The Camaro cuts the engine off, then cuts it back on and bolts for the exit, and this somehow tricks Barricade long enough for them to get past.

The Camaro dumps Mikaela and Sam out one of the doors and then transforms into that yellow space robot we saw a bit ago. It’s Bumblebee! Nearly an hour in, and we finally get a proper look at the little bastard. I guess that’s what happens when you spend the first 20-something minutes on being xenophobic and appealing to the focus groups that think it’s fine sexualize high schoolers.

Bumblebee- no, he’s not introduced himself yet, but I just can’t keep calling him “the Camaro” anymore- comes out of his transformation ready to square the fuck up. Barricade throws himself at Bumblebee, they roll around on the ground for a bit, then things start sparking and exploding, because this is a Michael Bay film. Frenzy jumps out and starts chasing down Mikaela and Sam, while Bumblebee and Barricade murder death punch each other. Frenzy manages to grab Sam by the ankles, drag him to the ground, and rip his pants off. Not sure how that happened, considering he’s still got his shoes on.

While Sam’s busy being chased by a sentient pile of safety pins, Mikaela’s taken it upon herself to be proactive about her survival, and is raiding a nearby building for power tools. She sprints out holding an electric jig saw and saves Sam by decapitating Frenzy. If you know anything about Transformers, then you know this doesn’t actually kill Frenzy, but good on her for being a badass. Why couldn’t Mikaela be our main character again? Oh, right, because she’s a ~girl~.

Sam punts Frenzy’s head, like, 50 yards, which seems like something he shouldn’t be able to do, given that he’s a massive weenie, but there you are. With that out of the way, Sam takes Mikaela’s hand and they run off to go watch the giant robot fight. The bottom of Frenzy’s head turns into a spider and he crawls his way over to Mikaela’s purse. He’s gonna steal her gum, the fiend!

Mikaela and Sam have, unfortunately, missed the giant robot fight, which means that we, as the audience, have also missed the giant robot fight. Which is unbelievably stupid, seeing as everyone who has ever watched this movie came for the GIANT GODDAMN ROBOTS.

Mikaela asks just who the hell the yellow robot is, I guess because she’s finally had a second to process what the hell’s going on. Sam claims that he’s a super-advanced robot, “probably from Japan.” Whether or not this is a reference to the Japanese origins of the original toy line isn’t clear, though somehow I think it’s more xenophobia. Sam also makes the claim that if Bumblebee had intended to hurt them, he would have done it by now. This is quite the jump from a few hours ago, when he was calling the poor guy “Satan’s Camaro.”

Sam finally, finally asks Bumblebee what his deal is, and we get our first taste of the Bayverse Bumblebee Gimmick. The Gimmick here is that, due to an injury to his vocal processing, Bumblebee cannot communicate through traditional means, i.e. speech. Because of this, he instead strings together sentences by flicking through the radio frequencies and choosing key words. This can lead to some interesting audio design, like describing his fellow Autobots to “rain down like visitors form heaven, Hallelujah!” because a radio sermon fit what he was trying to say best.

This gimmick is one that has been used in other pieces of Transformers media, at least in part. Bumblebee is unable to speak traditionally in Transformers: Prime, and instead communicates in beeps and clicks that his teammates can understand, but not so much the humans, save for Raf. In Bumblebee (2018), the idea was used whole-cloth, with the injury resulting in his inability to speak happening on-camera within the first 10 minutes of the movie, and the idea of “expressing oneself through music” being introduced by his human companion Charlie Watson.

All in all, I rather like the idea going on here; it’s an interesting part of his character that opens up for a lot of interesting and creative moments.

It’s just too bad it was introduced in fucking Bayverse.

But yeah, anyway, the other Autobots are coming to Earth. Shit’s gonna be lit.

Bumblebee turns back into a Camaro, and Sam uses the power of FOMO to get Mikaela to go in the car with him. We get a shot of Barricade fucking dying on the side of the road. Frenzy murders Mikaela’s phone, and then steals its identity, including the little bejeweled heart stickers. Good thing Mikaela remembered to go get her purse, otherwise he probably would have felt very silly doing that.

Mikaela refuses to sit in the driver’s seat, seeing as she now knows Sam’s car is sentient, and sort of feels weird about this whole thing. Sam suggests that she sit in his lap instead, as the camera angles to give us a peek at the cup of Mikaela’s bra. When asked why the hell she should do such a thing, Sam says it’s a concern about her safety, given that the middle console of the car does not have a seatbelt. Sam either fails to recognize that seatbelts going over two layered bodies won’t save either of them in the event of a crash, or he’s just trying to make an excuse to have a pretty girl in his lap.

Given what movie this is, I’m going to guess it’s the latter.

Mikaela has a similar line of thought, but scoots over anyway, saying that the seatbelt line was a “smooth move”. It wasn’t, but if I picked apart every single bad line Sam had in this film, I’d be here all day.

Mikaela questions Bumblebee’s taste in alt-mode, which offends him to the point of dumping both her and Sam out in the street and driving away. He returns, moments later, as a sleek new Camaro, that I’m sure some car aficionados would call “sexy.”

Bumblebee’s alt-mode is a 2009 Chevrolet Camaro, of which there were none during the time of filming. It was put together for this movie in roughly five weeks. Sam is blown away by the fact that he now owns a car that does not currently exist in his universe. Mikaela is impressed, or at least she would be, if women were allowed to show that emotion in a non-horny way in a Bay film.

Judy doesn’t count.

As Bumblebee breaks into yet another restricted area, we get a shot of the Earth from orbit, as several objects rocket towards the planet. Sam and Mikaela watch the Autobots burn up in the atmosphere, and Mikaela tries to hold Sam’s hand as they do, and it’s at this point that I have to address how much I hate these two’s dynamic.

I don’t give a single solitary shit about this romance, because A) it’s poorly written, B) Mikaela could do infinitely better than Sam, C) I dislike Sam so very much, D) Mikaela, who is a way more interesting character, got placed on friggin’ love interest duty because ~girl~, and E) it’s useless padding to try and make me care about what’s happening here, and I just DON’T. I do NOT care about whether these two get together or not.

We see the Autobots crash-land, three out of four of them causing massive amounts of property damage and possibly killing at least one person. Their stasis pods crack open, and they each climb out, completely naked and in desperate need of clothing to hide their shame. With a quick scan of nearby vehicles, they’re once again decent to be seen in public.

Bumblebee drives the kids out to what I can only assume is the warehouse district he sent that beacon out in, as our collection of good guys finally come together at long last. A massive Peterbilt semi-truck stops directly in front of Mikaela and Sam.

We’re over an hour into this film, and we’re just now getting to the quintessential Transformer, Optimus Prime himself.

In the original cartoon, Optimus’s alt-mode was what’s known as a cabover truck, one where the cab- where the driver sits- is seated directly over the engine. These were popular during the days when maximum truck-lengths were much shorter than they are currently. This is why when you look at height charts for Optimus over various continuities, his G1 cartoon counterpart much shorter than his other iterations.

Modern trucks are longer, and don’t need the cab to sit on top of the engine to save on space. The designers chose to use a Peterbilt to make sure that Optimus would have an imposing stature when compared to his fellow Autobots.

Because heaven forbid we not have heightism come into play in this film.

Our Autobots transform, and say what you will about these bastards being visually incomprehensible, the transformations themselves are cool as hell. My personal favorite is Jazz’s, where he does a cool windmill into his root mode.

Optimus crouches like he’s looking at a cool bug on the sidewalk and addresses Sam by name. He doesn’t even acknowledge Mikaela, which I find to be a bit rude, but whatever. He then introduces himself as the leader of the Autobots.

Peter Cullen is back as the voice for Optimus Prime, sounding wonderful as always. He almost wasn’t brought on for this project, because Michael Bay didn’t want him. If the fans hadn’t thrown a hissyfit, who knows who we would have gotten to be our space dad for the next hour and a half?

This is actually an issue that’s recurred several times in the last few years, and not just with Cullen; Frank Welker, the voice of Megatron, as well as many other Transformers, has been refused roles within Transformers properties. In general, this is because both Cullen and Welker are union actors, and Hasbro would prefer to hire sound-alikes than pay more money for the originals. This isn’t to shame the non-union actors, goodness no, just to merely point out less-than-fantastic business practices.

I realize there have been a lot of tangents, but you have to understand that I am suffering as I do this.

Optimus then introduces his team- there’s Jazz, whose first line is “What’s crackin’ little bitches?”, Ironhide, who incorrectly quotes Dirty Harry, and Ratchet, who calls out just how obnoxiously horny Sam’s character is. We also finally get Bumblebee’s name.

Mikaela asks the very good question of why the fuck the Autobots are here on Earth. Optimus explains that the AllSpark is here, and they’ve got to get to it before Megatron does. He then goes on to explain who Megatron is, stating that he “betrayed” the Cybertronian empire.

No, how exactly he did that isn’t addressed. We’ll just have to take Optimus’s word, I suppose.

If you’ve sussed out by this point the the AllSpark and the Cube™ are the same thing, congrats! You win. Megatron followed the AllSpark to Earth, where he promptly was neutralized by the cold of the Arctic circle. This was 110 years prior to the events of this film, and where Archibald Witwicky came in to the story.

When the expedition was happening, Archibald fell through the ice during a collapse, and ended up finding Megatron’s frozen body in an ice cave. He went poking around on this strange metal giant, and ended up activating Megatron’s navigation systems, which imprinted the coordinates of the AllSpark onto Archibald’s glasses.

Don’t ask how that works, it just does.

So, the Autobots need the glasses, so they can find the AllSpark before the Decepticons do, so those guys don’t use it to build an army out of Earth’s machines, which will destroy humanity.

Sounds simple enough, let’s go get that vision correction device!

Back with the military dudes, everyone’s taking a gander at the tail that Scorponok left behind. They theorize that the metal that makes up these giant murder-robots reacts to extreme heat, but elaboration on that point will have to wait, because the tail has begun to flail. They quickly strap it down, then call the military to let them know to strap anti-tank guns onto anything that’s going to be approaching any giant robots.

Meanwhile, in an interrogation room, Maddie and Glen have been left to sweat a bit. Glen takes to stress-eating, while framing it as a psychological tactic to subconsciously prove his innocence to the FBI.

This is a fat joke, with the added nasty layer of Glen being a black man about to be interrogated by one of the most intimidating white cops I’ve seen in a hot minute.

Glen immediately folds, pinning all the blame on Maddie, and claiming that he’s been a perfect angel his whole life. We get some weird purity culture out of him, before Maddie lets the FBI know that she needs to talk to the Secretary of Defense, NOW.

Over at the Witwicky household, Sam’s parents are watching the news, trying to find out what all those loud crashes were about. Optimus Prime drives down their residential street, the rest of the gang in tow, then they all park to wait for Sam to go get the glasses.

For about 20 seconds.

Sam has to physically hold the door shut to prevent his father from coming out and seeing several very tall robots from outer space tip-toeing around his freshly-landscaped yard, I guess because they got antsy. Optimus plods around on the grass and breaks a fountain, and our benevolent god Mojo comes out of the house, assuredly to smite the leader of the Autobots.

Mikaela runs onto the scene, and Sam chastises her for not controlling the robots who didn’t even acknowledge her existence, outside of pointing out Sam was sexually attracted to her.

Mojo pees on Ironhide’s foot, which prompts Ironhide to threaten to shoot the creature. This is why Ironhide isn’t getting into heaven. Sam, one of Mojo’s chosen few, claims that the mortal shell of his god is seen as a beloved pet by many humans. Sam runs into the house, before Mojo can incur his divine wrath on the Autobots.

While Sam goes to get the glasses, the Autobots decide to do a little peeping on the house, watching his parents watch TV. Sam tears his room apart trying to find the glasses, and Optimus thinks that it would be helpful if he brought Mikaela up to help look. It’s at this point that I realize that Sam has an utterly bizarre fish tank.

I mean, legitimately, what the fuck is this? No filter, no plants, might not even have any rocks on the bottom. Is this a comically oversized bong Sam threw a couple fish into? What the fuck.

Mikaela starts looking for the glasses, running into what is likely a box of porn mags, then they both look out the window to find that the Autobots have decided to hide in plain sight by transforming... in the middle of Sam’s backyard. Amazing work, gentlemen.

Sam finally convinces the Autobots to go sit in the alley and wait, only for Ratchet to run into a power line and trip into a greenhouse. The resulting impact is interpreted as an earthquake. Judy does not have the reaction one might expect from someone who’s lived in California for at least ten years.

Ratchet’s fine, by the way.

The power cuts out, and Ron goes up to check on his son, because he’s at least a halfway-decent father. Ratchet’s shining a light to aid in the search for the glasses. Sam’s parents notice this bright light, and bang on Sam’s door to see what’s up.

Sam quickly hides Mikaela and then attempts to salvage the situation, answering the door and trying to control the narrative. Unfortunately, Ron is far too inquisitive for Sam to do this, and then Judy asks if Sam was masturbating.

Judy, is privacy just not a thing to you? Because if not, it really ought to be.

She keeps going with it too, trying to come up with code words, until another one of the Autobots trips and causes Ron to panic again, climbing into Sam’s ancient claw-foot bathtub to protect himself. He looks out the window to check on his beloved yard, lamenting that the earthquake tore it up.

Ironhide is strongly considering killing Sam’s parents. Optimus tells him that they don’t harm humans, and also begins to wonder if he made a mistake bringing this guy along.

Back in Sam’s room, it’s becoming increasingly obvious that Sam is an absolutely terrible liar, and Mikaela reveals herself, if only to prevent Judy from trying to talk about self-pleasure again. Of course, now she gets to be subjected to both of Sam’s parents objectifying her, so this might be a lose-lose situation.

Sam is reminded that his backpack is in the kitchen, just in time for the government to show up at his house. Mikaela makes a comment about Judy being nice. I suppose on a surface level, yes, being told that you’re gorgeous by someone’s mom is nice. I do have to question the context that compliment took place in, however.

Sam’s about to hand the glasses over to the Autobots, when someone rings the doorbell. It’s Sector Seven, and they’re here to talk to Sam about his stolen car being part of an issue involving national security. Ron and Judy are more concerned about their yard being torn up, Judy yelling that they “need to get their hands off [her] bush.”

We still have another hour of this movie.

The agent leading this mission asks Sam to come with him for questioning, which his parents are very much against. Mojo also voices his displeasure, but it would seem that Agent Simmons is not a follower of the Tenets of Mojo. Sam gets geigered, and his readings are high enough for Sector Seven to take him and everyone in this house into custody.

As Sam and Mikaela are riding in the back of the car, Simmons brings up Sam’s Ebay account, and also the phone video he took of Bumblebee earlier in the week. Mikaela is rather unimpressed with Sam at the moment, probably because he’s gotten her arrested. She still tries to help him out though, because she really is just the nicest fucking person on the planet.

Alas, the combined efforts of these two teenagers isn’t enough to fool the long arm of the law, especially when it’s a branch of said law that deals with extraterrestrial activity. Simmons threatens to lock up these literal children for life if they don’t start talking. Mikaela isn’t taking the bait, so he goes after her father’s parole hearing instead.

Yep! As it turns out, Mikaela and her father stole cars to get by, and she’s got the record to back that claim up. Simmons calls her a criminal, then says that criminals are hot. Mikaela looks like she’s about to cry, and I don’t blame her in the slightest.

Optimus, I suppose because his dad senses were tingling, takes the opportunity to place his leg in the road for the car to run into, then grabs said car like an unruly cat and lifts it until the roof rips off due to stress. The agents in the other cars pile out and point their guns at the giant space robot. The rest of the Autobots quickly relieve them of their weapons.

Optimus notes that Simmons doesn’t seem surprised that a bunch of giant robots just took all his guys’ guns, and demands that he exit the vehicle, posthaste. Simmons obliges, after a bit more prodding. Mikaela undoes Sam’s handcuffs, and he gets fucking pissy about it, as if this girl he’s had a grand total of three (awkward) conversations with should have told him something as personal as “hey, so my dad’s in jail and I’ve been to juvenile detention.”

Luckily, she doesn’t let him get away with it, calling him out as the spoiled, self-centered, privileged little shithead that he is.

Of course, we don’t get any sort of real acknowledgement from Sam, having to move on with the plot. Perhaps, if we hadn’t spent the last hour and 20 minutes faffing about on drivel, we could have had Sam get an actual moment of self-reflection, and potentially even character growth. However, this is Bayverse, and everyone knows that personal accountability is for fucking sissies.

Mikaela and Sam ask several questions, but get no answers from Agent Simmons. And then Bumblebee pees on him.

I hate that I had to write that. I hate it very much.

Anyway, I don’t know why that had to happen, but it did, and I’m nothing if not thorough.

Optimus tells Bumblebee to cut it out, and with that the Sector Seven agents are cuffs and left on the side of the road. Mikaela orders Simmons to strip, as punishment for threatening her father, then cuffs him to a street lamp.

...Yes, that does sound like a bizarre sexual fantasy, doesn’t it?

Unfortunately for our teen heroes, they forgot to confiscate everyone’s phones, and Sector Seven knows what’s up, thanks to the power of speakerphone. More cars and a couple of helicopters show up basically immediately, and the Autobots decide it’s time to dip.

But not before Ironhide fires off a pulsewave into the ground that causes a five-car pileup.

Optimus, I suppose because he knows he chose a ridiculously flashy alt-mode that is in no way practical, just picks the kids up in and places them on his shoulder like a couple of parakeets, then takes up a leisurely jog to get away from the eyes in the sky. He runs through the city, racking up what is likely millions in property damage, as the helicopters pursue. He passes by a “Legalize LA” billboard, which feels odd to see, given what movie this is.

The ‘copters somehow manage to lose Optimus, despite him being relatively slow, and having a notable radiation level that they’ve been using to track him. He hides inside the scaffolding of a bridge, only for Mikaela and Sam to slip off of his polished body to their deaths, thus ending the film.

No, they don’t die. I just told another fib. I’m sorry.

Bumblebee snatches them up just before they hit the ground, the impact of his metal body catching them at 75 mph, killing them instantly and ending the film.

Nope, that doesn’t happen either.

Mikaela and Sam are fine, some-fucking-how, but Sam’s dropped the MacGuffin glasses. The helicopters swing back around, having noticed the sound of a car crashing into the ground and the screams of two whole adolescents. They break out a fucking harpoon gun and fire on our kid appeal character.

Repeatedly.

They wrap up Bumblebee in a series of cables, as he screams like a moose. Mikaela and Sam are held at gunpoint by what is honestly far too many dudes, and are then arrested for the second time in ten minutes. Bumblebee is smoked... because he’s a bee? Sam, not liking this one bit, finds the strength in his weenie body to push a cop off of himself, run at one of the dudes with the smoke guns, throw him to the ground, and then start smoking him. He’s immediately tackled, but points for trying.

Sam and Mikaela are placed back into custody, and the rest of the Autobots regroup with Optimus to see what the plan is. Optimus says that they can’t save Bumblebee without hurting humans, so I guess Bumblebee is just a POW now. Well, at least they got the glasses. That’s cool.

Back at the Pentagon, things are getting dicey, as the other world powers are starting to suspect that something’s up. The Secretary of Defense is approached by a man with a mustache and a briefcase. He’s from Sector Seven, but the Secretary gives not a fuck about mysterious organizations. All the computers in the room suddenly go down, the virus from earlier working its magic- only this time, the blackout is global.

Mr. Mustache opens his briefcase, while explaining that Sector Seven is something known as a “special access” sector of the government, which is why nobody’s ever heard of it; it’s beyond top secret. Commissioned by President Herbert Hoover 80 years prior, it deals with alien life.

When the Beagle 2 spacecraft was lost on the way to Mars in 2003, the mission was declared a failure. This was a lie. The Beagle 2 recorded several seconds of Mars before being crushed to death by a Transformer. This tidbit is pretty funny, given that the Beagle 2 was rediscovered on Mars in 2014, seven years after this film released. Not a terribly mysterious death anymore, is it?

Comparing the footage from Mars to the footage from Qatar has Sector Seven thinking that these are the same species. Which they are. God, it’d be so fucked up if there were two species of giant robots in this film.

Mr. Mustache theorizes that because the Transformers now know that they can be harmed by human weaponry, they’re being proactive about their safety and shutting down all forms of communication technology with that virus that keeps popping up. It’s only a matter of time before the shit hits the fan for humanity.

Mr. Secretary tells his guys to try going analog with comms, breaking out the short-wave radios, to tell their ships to return home.

Over at an Air Force base, Lennox and the gang have landed, only to be scooped up by a bunch of dudes in suits.

Back with Maddie and Glen, the two of them have fallen asleep in the interrogation room, Maddie still wearing her friggin’ four inch pumps as her legs are propped up on the table, crossed in a way that seems rather uncomfortable. Glen gets to sleep like a normal human being, with his head resting on his forearms. Why this place doesn’t have a holding cell for these situations is beyond me.

Mr. Secretary comes in to bring Maddie on as his advisor. Glen can come too, I guess, considering he’s the one who actually figured out the sound file virus.

We get a little military glorification, and then it’s revealed that Mikaela and Sam, as well as Maddie and Glen, are aboard this helicopter. Their paths cross at last. Our heroes are transported to the Hoover Dam, where Bumblebee is also. They are still smoking him.

Meanwhile, the Autobots are figuring out where to go, with the power of Archibald’s glasses. Ratchet, who I guess is omnipotent, senses that the Decepticons have also figured out the location, and that this is going to be a race against the clock. And I mean, he’s right, but the phrasing is a bit odd.

Jazz wants to know when they’re going to save Bumblebee. Optimus says that they aren’t, and that Bumblebee’s sacrifice is noble, and that he would want the Autobots to leave him and complete the mission. As this is said, we get another shot of Bumblebee getting smoked and trapped in a lab. Yep, this is totally what he would want. He absolutely signed up for this, giving himself up to the government and not at all fighting like mad to not be captured.

I don’t think Bayverse Optimus actually knows what martyrdom is, which is bizarre, given that it’s a major trait in a lot of other iterations of the character.

Ironhide isn’t even sure why they’re bothering to save humanity, given that humans are violent and awful, his point being hammered home as Bumblebee is tortured for scientific reasons. Ironhide seems to have forgotten that Cybertron has been at war for literally millions of years. Optimus has faith in humanity, however, stating that we’re “young”.

And then he says that he’s going to end his own race, by destroying the Cube™, which is how they reproduce, because that’s the only way to end the war.

Which is arguably one of the most hardcore fictional applications of eugenics ever conceived.

Being advocated for by Optimus Goddamn Prime.

We still have another 50 minutes of this movie.

Optimus then proves that he does, in fact, know what self-sacrifice is, stating that, if all else fails, he’ll shove the AllSpark into his spark, which will destroy them both. He’s pretty chill about it, too.

Up on top of the Hoover Dam, Frenzy has fallen out of Mikaela’s bag.

Mr. Secretary is also at the Hoover Dam now, as is Lennox’s team. Oh, and Agent Simmons, who is thankfully wearing pants. He offers to buy Sam a coffee, as repartitions for threatening his family, arresting him, and being a complete creep to a teenage girl. Sam gives not a fuck about caramel macchiatos with extra foam and chocolate drizzle, however. He only cares about his car.

Mr. Mustache, who is also here, needs Sam to spill the beans on all these friggin’ giant robots that are running around. This is where Sam realizes he has the upper hand for once, and he starts making demands. One such demand is having Mikaela’s record scrubbed clean, which is an actually very nice thing for him to have done for her. We’ll see if his intent comes to fruition. For now, it’s time to talk about Bumblebee.

We get a shot of all these folks heading into the secret base hidden inside the Hoover Dam, and it’s at this point that I notice that Maddie’s shirt is basically see-through.

Inside the Dam, we see that Sector Seven′s been keeping Megatron this entire time, keeping him neutralized with cryo-stasis since 1935. Cryopreservation was invented in the 50′s. This isn’t a nitpick, I just thought it was a neat little fact.

Megatron being on Earth has resulted in most modern technology. This sort of plot point always bothers me, because it takes away agency from the entire human race. We didn’t use our own ingenuity and work ethic to advance society, we plagiarized from a more advanced species. I dunno, it just rubs me the wrong way.

We get the part of the movie where info is hashed out, so that everyone is on the same page, Sam spouting off Autobot propaganda. We can forgive him for this,considering he’s 16, and no one is immune to propaganda, especially when they have zero way of doing their own research to form their own opinion with.

Sector Seven also has the AllSpark, kept in the room next to Megatron’s, like the chumps they will soon find themselves to be. It’s about ten stories tall and the reason the Hoover Dam exists. With so much concrete suppressing its alien energies, surely no one will ever find it!

Except for Frenzy, who came in through a mouse hole. Whoopsie-doodle!

The AllSpark zaps the nasty little man, restoring his body with its weird MacGuffin powers. Frenzy tells all his coworkers that he found what they were looking for, and everyone starts heading over.

Maddie asks Mr. Mustache what exactly he means by “energies”, perhaps worried that this whole thing has been some elaborate ploy to get her to invest in magic healing stones. Mr. Mustache brings everyone into a testing chamber, since the best way to explain how the AllSpark works is through a demonstration.

There’s a big fish tank in the middle of this testing chamber, in which Agent Simmons places a donated device from the crowd- Glen’s Nokia phone, specifically. Simmons makes a geologically-confused comment. When this is pointed out by Maddie, Mr. Secretary hushes her, simply saying that Simmons is a strange man. The tank is locked down, and then the show starts.

Cube™ energies are shot into the tank, and the phone explodes into life, transforming into a gorilla-shaped gremlin creature. Happy birthday, little dude!

Little dude starts shooting at the tank walls, cracking the glass until Simmons pulls the trigger and ends it. Happy deathday, little dude!

The Decepticons are making tracks towards the Hoover Dam, but Starscream- yeah, he’s in this now, don’t worry about it- arrives first, because he is a very fast jet. He transforms, showing off his ridiculous Dorito body, and fires on the base’s generators. The resulting explosions can be heard all the way down in the testing chamber, and Mr. Mustache calls upstairs to see what’s up. Looks like Megatron may be getting warmed up, seeing as his ice bath has been cut off. Lennox asks if there’s an arms room in Sector Seven, which sort of feels like asking a bakery if they have any flour.

Frenzy has entered the room that houses the controls for the cryo-stasis and set that whole system to “no, thank you”.

Mr. Mustache runs through the base, screaming for everyone to get to the Megatron chamber. Off in the distance, the Autobots approach. Could probably used some fliers on your team, huh Optimus?

Back with Frenzy, he’s decided to just straight-up raise Megatron’s core temperature directly. Hope he doesn’t do it too fast; rewarming hypothermia victims recklessly can do some serious damage.

Outside of the base, Lennox and the boys are loading up with weaponry, along with what’s the entirety of Sector Seven′s cannon-fodder department. Oh, and all the main cast. Yep, just got a couple of teenagers chillin’ in the munitions room.

Sam wants Simmons to take him to his car- he hasn’t used Bumblebee’s name in a hot minute, not sure what’s up with that- even though Simmons is currently busy loading a very large gun. Simmons doesn’t want to do that, because he’s got no idea if what Sam mentioned earlier is even true, and he doesn’t want to pin the fate of humanity on a single Camaro. Lennox takes this opportunity to tackle Simmons, despite likely not knowing that Bumblebee is one of the “good guys”. A Sector Seven guy very much doesn’t like that, and points a gun at Lennox, which prompts all of his guys to also start threatening folks with guns.

Mr. Mustache walks in on the scene, but doesn’t do anything, since he isn’t armed and knows better than to tangle with someone who’s packing. Simmons tries to intimidate Lennox, because he must have missed the day of boot camp where they tell you that guns kill people. Lennox is fully committed to shooting this dude in the lungs before Mr. Secretary suggests he give the people what they want, before things get ugly.

Simmons takes everyone to the robot torture department of Sector Seven, where they are still smoking Bumblebee. Geez, you’d think they’d have something in place for if they ever came across another giant robot after Megatron, but I guess not. The gang gets everyone to stop smoking Bumblebee, which allows him to stop moose-screaming and strongly consider murdering everyone involved with his forced captivity. Unfortunately, revenge with have to wait, as we’ve still got to deal with the AllSpark, and the fact that the Decepticons are here.

They take Bumblebee to the AllSpark, where he makes direct contact the thing, causing the AllSpark to transform, compacting itself down into a far more reasonable size that Bumblebee can carry in one hand. It doesn’t seem to weigh more than a grown adult, if his body language is saying anything. I’d make a joke about the conservation of mass being ignored, but since this is Transformers, I can’t really say much. Conservation of mass doesn’t exist for this franchise.

Bumblebee would really like to get this show on the road, and Lennox agrees, quickly formulating a plan to get away from Megatron and taking the AllSpark to Mission City, which is relatively close to their current location, so that they can hide it there.

Lennox, I know this plan is a first draft, and we don’t have a ton of time for revisions, but the whole point of building a whole-ass dam around the Cube™ was because it was very difficult to hide, given its magical MacGuffin powers. Regardless of this flaw, Mr. Secretary agrees. Lennox also asks that the Air Force be involved in this, I guess because the U.S. military wanted more screentime.

Of course, that whole “global blackout” thing is still going on, so we’re going to have to get creative with how we’re going to contact the Air Force. Mr. Secretary and Simmons make a break for the WWII-era radio Sector Seven has, while Lennox and the boys head out to shoot things, and Mikaela and Sam hop into Bumblebee with the Cube™.

This is about the point that Megatron wakes up. The first thing he does is introduce himself, which I thought was very polite of him. Then he breaks out his flail and starts bashing shit around. Not so polite, that.

Over with Bumblebee, we’re shown that the AllSpark, all-powerful object that can create life and is the whole reason this conflict is even happening, is just chillin’ in the back seat by itself. It’s not even buckled up.

Megatron escapes the base, and it’s actually super easy. He just transforms, goes through the tunnel, and he’s free. I feel like we could have at least attempted some security measures for in case the cryo-stasis failed, given that we’ve had this dude in containment for the last 70-something years, but okay.

Starscream comes over to say hi to his boss, not that Megatron gives a shit. He just wants to know where that fucking Cube™ is. When Starscream tells him that the humans have it, Megatron makes a comment about how Starscream has failed him yet again. This is their first interaction in this movie, and Starscream’s been in the story for a grand total of five minutes at this point. I know that this is a reference to their dynamic in just about every installment of the franchise up to this point, but it doesn’t feel earned in the slightest. Even if it’s going to be expanded upon in future sequels, this is a shit-tier way to set their (awful) relationship up.

Not that anyone should ever bank on getting a sequel anyway, but that’s a discussion for another time.

Megatron tells Starscream to retrieve the AllSpark, and then we cut over to the radio plotline. The radio, which is so cobweb-covered I feel like Sector Seven needs to have a serious discussion with their custodial staff, has its nobs and buttons fiddled with by Simmons until it crackles to life. But where are the microphones? Everyone starts looking for the mics, as Simmons pushes Glen into the seat, I guess because hacking modern computers and using Depression-era radio tech are similar enough.

Maddie asks Glen if he can hotwire a 90′s-era computer to transmit a tone through the radio, so that they can send a Morse code message to the Air Force. Which sounds ridiculous to me, but I don’t know enough about radios or computers to know if that sort of thing would be possible. Maybe it’s fine. Or maybe it’s Hollywood bullshit. Who knows?

Back over with Bumblebee, we get a bunch of car commercial shots, of both him and the other Autobots. Aww, the gang’s back together again! Nobody tell Bumblebee that Optimus was completely cool with leaving him to his fate.

Optimus and the gang whip around to join the convoy, and everyone makes their way towards Mission City.

Back at the radio subplot, someone’s bangin’ on the door, trying to get in. The others try to block the intruder, while Glen does his hacking stuff. Mr. Secretary breaks a case and pulls out a gun that’s about as old as he is.

Glen gets the computer working, and Mr. Secretary gives him the Super Secret Military Codewords™ to use to talk to the Air Force. While he does that, Simmons finds a flamethrower and starts burning Frenzy as he attempts to enter the room. The Air Force receives the message for an air strike. Oh, goody.

Over with the convoy, it appears that the Autobots and Lennox’s boys are being pursued by the Decepticons. It’s difficult to tell, seeing as the cameras have gone full Bay-mode, but I’m guessing that’s what’s up. One of the Decepticons flips over a minivan, likely killing a family of five. another causes a multi-car pileup.

Bonecrusher transforms, then Optimus transforms. Bonecrusher iceskates across the highway, slamming into a bus so hard it just straight-up explodes. He is on fire. He tackles Optimus, and they proceed to fall off the side of the raised highway they’re on. Then they beat the shit out of each other, until Optimus decapitates Bonecrusher with his arm-sword.

Yeah, space dad is a little intense in the Bayverse.

Back at Sector Seven, Frenzy’s decided to leave the door alone, and instead is crawling through the ventilation shaft. Mr. Secretary and Simmons fire off shots into the duct above them, as if bullets would do anything against this nasty little pile of needles.

Frenzy bursts through the bottom of the duct and crash-lands into a glass case, taking cover behind a pillar and fires on the humans on the other side of the room. While this shootout is happening, Glen receives a response from the Air Force, just in time for Frenzy to accidentally decapitate himself with one of his own spinning blades of death. This time, he does not survive losing his head.

The Air Force will be sending fighter planes to Mission City, and to establish this, we get several shots of what some might call “military porn.”

Over in the city, the convoy has arrived. Lennox hands several short-wave radios over to Epps, telling him to use them to direct the Air Force when they arrive, so they can take the AllSpark... somewhere, I guess. Above, an F-22 zooms across the sky. It is not one of the Air Force’s F-22s.

Ironhide recognizes Starscream, and gets ready to throw down. Bumblebee grabs a nearby Furby truck and hoists it up to use as a shield. This marginally works, as the missile that hits the truck doesn’t immediately kill him, though it probably did all those Furbies inside.

The resulting explosion throws all the humans around, Mikaela getting weird heaven lighting as she lies unconscious on the pavement. Sam gets it too, though, so I suppose I can’t complain too much about this particular shot. They touch hands. I really wish that I could take this moment of vulnerability as being anything other than an attempt to set up a romance between these two teens who have known each other for maybe half a week. This movie has so starved me of genuine human interaction I'm jumping at the smallest of scraps.

Bumblebee actually didn’t get out of that missile-strike unscathed, his legs having been blown off. All those Furbies died for nothing. Tragic. Sam asks Bumblebee if he’s alright, and immediately tells him to get up. Sam then remembers that Bumblebee’s legs are off, so he yells for Ratchet.

Over with Lennox and Epps, they’ve realized that the plane they saw wasn’t one of theirs. Which, you know, has already been established, but points for getting caught up, fellas. Sam is crying and still telling Bumblebee to get up. Bumblebee is dragging himself across the pavement and whimpering. It’s awful. Where the fuck is Ratchet? This is basically the only reason he’s in this film, and he’s nowhere to be found.

The actual Air Force calls on the radio, asking for their location. Brawl, who is a tank, starts firing on Lennox’s gang. Jazz and Ratchet race through the city streets. How they were separated from the rest of the team is anyone’s guess.

Sam takes a little sit on the pavement to be with Bumblebee, while Mikaela decides to problem-solve and heads for a nearby tow truck. Bumblebee hands Sam the Cube™ because, as the designated protagonist, it’s his job to handle it in the climax of the film.

Ironhide is shot at several times by Brawl, narrowly avoiding being hit each time. This, of course, means that the people he drives by in this shot are almost assuredly dead, since they’re right next to the explosions. He transforms and does a flip, as the film goes slow-mo on a shot of a woman in a low-cut dress watching him flip. She screams. Ironhide screams. I scream, though probably for a different reason.

Jazz jumps on Brawl, managing to kick off a couple pieces of kibble before Brawl grabs him and throws him into the side of a building. Ironhide, Optimus, and Ratchet descend on Brawl, and so does Lennox’s team, Brawl losing a hand and getting thrown into his own building as a result.

Mikaela breaks into the tow truck and starts to hotwire that shit. Wow, a relevant back story that culminates in her being able to save the day, thus completing her arc and staying on-theme for her character. Why isn’t Mikaela the protagonist again?

Oh, right, because ~girl~.

Megatron lands in a nearby alleyway, and Ratchet, knowing this dude is bad news, tells everyone to head for the hills. Jazz isn’t fast enough, however, and gets shot for his troubles.

Mikaela drives the truck over to Sam, who is still sitting there with the Cube™, and tells him to get his ass in gear.

Jazz gets taken to the top of a nearby building and is ripped in two by Megatron, who acts like a bird of prey the whole sequence. Down on the ground, Brawl is starting to get back up from his smackdown. Blackout appears on a nearby skyscraper. Things are looking grim for humanity.

Mikaela and Sam hook Bumblebee up to the tow line as Lennox approaches them. Sam has left the AllSpark out of his line of sight, like a fool. Despite seeing this, Lennox still gives him the flare to let the military know where to pick up the AllSpark. Doesn’t even acknowledge Mikaela. He tells Sam to head for the white building with statues on top of it and set the flare on top of the roof. Lennox can’t leave his men, because he’s the head of his operation. Why he can’t send literally anyone else who isn’t a 16 year-old boy isn’t made clear.

Sam really doesn’t want to do this, probably because he’s a child, but Lennox has recruited him to the military against his will, so he must. Lennox then attempts to make Mikaela leave for her own good, but she tells him to fuck off, because she’s gonna save Bumblebee. Clearly, this is a win for feminism.

Epps radios the choppers coming from the Air Force to let them know they’ll be picking up a package from a teenager, thus locking Sam into the job. Ironhide and Ratchet vow to protect Sam from the Decepticons on his way to the pickup point. Not one single person has pointed out how fucked up this is.

Sam starts to run off, when Mikaela stops him to let him know that she’s glad she got in the car with him roughly an hour ago. They don’t kiss goodbye, which, honestly? Good. This fucking movie hasn’t earned that. Sam for sure hasn’t earned that, even if he did clear her juvie record. No word on that having actually been done, by the way. Sam never got confirmation, and I feel like he’s not really the type to follow up on things.

Brawl fires off some shots and makes things explode. Ratchet and Ironhide provide cover fire as Sam sprints down the road. Yep, they’re making this idiot WALK to the pickup point. Sure hope the elevators are working today, otherwise this is going to take forever.

Sam carries the AllSpark like a football, and in a better movie, this would have been foreshadowed by Sam having actually been a football player prior to the events of the film, perhaps removed from the team for some character flaw he’s since grown from/accepted. However, this is Bayverse, and well, men don’t have to justify their existence in the story with things like themes and having even an ounce of thought put into their character.

Back with Mikaela, Lennox has refused to learn her name, calling her “girl” as he screams at her to get Bumblebee hooked up to the tow truck. Which she was already doing when he got here. Lennox, dude, you’ve got a daughter now, you’re super extra not allowed to treat women like this.

Optimus Prime pulls through an alleyway and crashes into a pile of garbage. I can forgive him being late, seeing as he is a big rig, and probably had to take the long way into town so he didn’t get stuck in too-low tunnels. Don’t worry about how we briefly saw him during the Brawl take-down. This is his for real entrance into the climax.

He whips around and transforms, ready to throw the fuck down. Megatron spots him from his perch and descends.

Y’know.

Like a vast, predatory bird.

Megatron shoots at Optimus in his alt-mode, and Optimus catches him like a frisbee. Unfortunately for Optimus, it would appear that the horsepower on a Cybertronian flightcraft is hella intense, and he’s carried away. The two of them crash through an office building, then roll around in the streets punching each other in the face, debating the worth of humanity as they do so. Wish I actually gave a shit about either of these people, but alas! The film spent most of its runtime objectifying women and insulting minorities. I know nothing about Optimus, and even less about Megatron.

Megatron transforms his arms into a laser gun, and Optimus does the same. They shoot at each other. Optimus gets thrown into a building, then lands on the sidewalk below, definitely crushing a dude underneath him, but I guess we didn’t check that the shot was clear for where the CGI was gonna go, so he’s fine.

Sam’s still running through the streets, while Blackout murders, like, so many people behind him. Starscream lands in front of Sam, running into roughly 30 cars as he skids to a halt. Ratchet and Ironhide fire on him, as Sam takes a breather behind a car. Starscream transforms and blasts off. He was here for about 15 seconds. Sam begins running again.

Megatron is now following Sam, because he wants that Cube™. Sam is hit by a car- not an evil one, just a regular car- and trips. The impact makes the AllSpark activate, which grants several machines in the vicinity the gift of life, including the car full of bitchy women that just hit Sam, who are upset that hitting a human being might have scratched the paint.

I get it, you hate women, can we PLEASE stop beating this dead horse?

Sam finally gets to the pickup building, which turns out to be abandoned and fenced off. Good thing the gate was open, otherwise things could get really complicated. He heads inside, Megatron crashing through a floor-to-ceiling window shortly behind him. Megatron makes the claim that he can smell where Sam is. I’m going to choose to believe that he isn’t lying here, since Ratchet did something similar earlier.

Sam finds the stairs, and Megatron calls him a slur.

He doesn’t, really, but the voice modulation certainly makes it sound that way.

While this is happening, Mikaela is driving the tow truck down an alley, dragging Bumblebee behind her with the tow cable. She stops for a moment to have a short breakdown, seeing as she is a teenager in what is currently a warzone.

Sam is still running up the stairs. Outside, the military shoots at one of the Decepticons. It is, of course, doing absolutely nothing to the giant metal space robot. Mikaela concludes her moment, looking back at Bumblebee, who gives her the okay to keep going with dragging his ass across the pavement. She whips the truck around and tells Bumblebee “I’ll drive, you shoot.”

Mikaela then proceeds to speed down a main road of this sizable city backwards, running into cars and more or less shoving Bumblebee along to his destination.

The military has finally realized that their efforts have been pointless, but it’s okay because Bumblebee is here with his superior firepower. Bumblebee proceeds to shoot Brawl in the chest, which kills him. After this, he tries to act cute, lifting up his battle mask in a very “did I do that?” way, as if he’s not the same guy who ripped Barricade apart earlier.

Sam, meanwhile, has finally reached the top of this dilapidated building. Helicopters are approaching his location, but will they make it to him before Megatron does? Honestly, I’d be more worried about Starscream on the building just due East.

Sam is just about to hand the AllSpark over, when Starscream fires at the ‘copter, causing it to crash and nearly chop Sam to pieces. Optimus Prime runs towards the scene, on a roof that I refuse to believe could actually support him. Megatron punches thought the roof from the bottom and asks Sam some philosophical questions. Sam can’t answer, given that he’s hiding on the edge of this building, his flimsy grip on one of the angel statues being the only thing keeping him from falling.

Megatron tells him to give him the AllSpark, and in exchange he might not kill him immediately. Sam tells him to fuck off, and Megatron flails the chunk of building he was hanging on to, causing Sam to fall to his death, thus ending the film.

I’m lying to you. Michael Bay is making me into a liar.

No, Sam is, instead, caught by Optimus, very likely breaking several ribs on impact. This is the point where I realize that they’ve given Optimus fingernails. Sam clings to him like a baby koala, as Optimus parkours down the sides of two buildings, Megatron in pursuit. Megatron actually lands on Optimus 2/3rds of the way down, causing the both of them to fall onto the pavement below. How Sam survives this is a mystery.

Megatron recovers from the fall first, flicking a human away from him for having the audacity to exist in his space. The flicked person hits a car, and is almost assuredly dead. At least, I sure hope so, given that this is the director cameo by the Bayman himself.

Feminist icon Megatron?

Feminist icon Megatron.

Optimus comments on the fact that Sam almost fucking died to get the AllSpark out of dodge, and we get the return of “No Sacrifice, No Victory”. Which, I mean, I guess he’s allowed to say that, since he’s actually had to do something that warranted it. His dad doesn’t get to, though.

Optimus then tells this teenage boy, who has already had a hell of a day, to kill him by shoving the AllSpark into his robot-soul-heart, should he be unable to defeat Megatron.

I dunno, I just feel like it’s a bit of an ask.

Sam climbs off of Optimus so the Prime and Megatron can rumble. He runs through the ruined infrastructure of the city, so he’s less likely to be crushed. Optimus tells Megatron to square the fuck up, stating that “one shall stand, one shall fall.”

Then he gets ragdolled around a bunch, so maybe he should have saved the talk for later in the game.

The military is running around some more, stopping in an alley to see Blackout transform to root mode. Yes, the goo-goo eyes were indeed made by several members of the watch party that started this whole thing. People went wild for Rotor-Cape Johnson.

The fighter jets from the US military are arriving in a minute. Epps warns them to aim for the robots that aren’t evil. Lennox and the gang spread out, reminding each other to aim for the underboob, since Transformers’ armor is weak there. Epps marks Blackout with a little green light, which Blackout almost immediately notices. Blackout fires on the military.

Lennox has stolen a motorcycle and is driving through the streets to circle back around and jump off of the bike, sliding on his back to shoot Blackout directly in his underboob. Wonder what his uniform is rated for for road rash.

Sam is watching as Optimus gets his ass handed to him. Up in the sky, Starscream commits identity theft, and then attacks the Air Force. The Air Force can multitask however, and light Megatron the fuck up. Sam has, for some reason, come out of hiding, and Megatron uses this to his advantage, trying to take the AllSpark from him.

Optimus tells Sam to put the AllSpark in his chest, but Sam has a better idea. He shoves it into Megatron’s chest, which has been basically shot open at this point. Megatron makes a Space Invader noise, convulses a bit, then falls over dead.

Congrats on your first murder, Sam.

Optimus tells Megatron’s corpse that he got what was coming to him, then implies that they’re brothers. What flavor of brother isn’t established, but neither was basically anything between the two main faces of the franchise in this film, so it’s fine.

Ironhide walks up holding the two halves of Jazz. Optimus informs Sam that he now has a life-debt to this child. Whether or not Sam is absorbing any information at this point is up in the air. Mikaela shows up, with Bumblebee in tow.

In tow.

In tow-

Sam stares at her blankly. Mikaela stares back, making the pretty girl face. Man, what a great dynamic these two have.

Jazz is dead. That sucks. Optimus is handed his corpse to hold, while he thanks his new friends for helping out.

Then Bumblebee talks and he’s fucKING BRITISH.

Sam is obviously shocked by the fact that Bumblebee is British able to talk now, since not talking has been his whole thing up to this point. Optimus doesn’t let it phase him. Neither does Ratchet, despite having been working on Bumblebee’s throat injury for centuries at this point.

Bumblebee wants to stay on Earth with Sam. Optimus is just like whatever. Sam agrees to have a sweet Camaro from outer space.

Optimus pulls what is left of the AllSpark out of Megatron’s chest. I’m sure that’s not a setup for potential conflicts, not in the slightest.

Over in Washington, D.C., the US President has ordered Sector Seven be terminated, and all the Transformer corpses be disposed of. And by “disposed of” they mean “thrown into the ocean.” Dang, sure hope Earth signed some sort of agreement with the Transformers so that they never come to Earth again. You know, just be proactive about our galactic safety.

The Linkin Park kicks on, as Optimus gives us our bookend narration, telling us what the Autobots plan to do now that their race is at a genological dead end. As he does, we see Lennox reunite with his wife and child, who I had genuinely forgotten were in this movie.

Optimus is pretty chill with Cybertron dying out, because now they know about Earth. We get a shot of Sam and Mikaela making out, a shot that becomes more and more horrifying the further they zoom out, because they’re making out on top of Bumblebee. Who they KNOW is a sentient creature at this point.

And then it gets even worse, because the shot changes, and oh hey! Turns out that the rest of the Autobots were just chillin’ off to the side while this went down. Optimus continues his monologue, just walking around in his root mode as he tells all of Makeout Point how they’re “robots in disguise” now.

The monologue is actually a transmission he’s sending out into space, inviting any of his leftover pals to come kick it on Earth with them, because Earth is pretty cool.

And that’s where they leave us.

IT TOOK THREE PEOPLE TO WRITE THIS SCHLOCK.

So. Bayverse 1. A film showcasing xenophobia, misogyny, and toxic nationalism. It’s rough. Is it the worst film I’ve ever seen? Not even close, but it’s bad, and it was a huge deal at the time of release. Everyone was seeing it, everyone knew the actors and robots, everyone had a scene that they liked. Everyone was exposed to Bayverse, and as a result, a lot of people entered the Transformers franchise thinking that it was all like this.

And really, how far off would they have been in 2007?

When a franchise refuses to introduce female characters until years after being established, when all those female characters have the exact same body type, when a franchise hires misogynists to write stories, when it allows shit like “Prime’s Rib!” to be published- no wonder Michael Bay was approached to direct.

What a mess.

--------------------------

COMING SOON:

TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN (2009) - MEGAN FOX I AM SO FUCKING SORRY

TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON (2011) - WILL YOU JUST STAY DEAD

TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION (2014) - SHUT UP ABOUT THE LAW SHUT UP ABOUT THE LAW

TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGHT (2017) - ACTUALLY, FUCK CONTINUITY

[doodlebloo]

ranboo? peepoShy

cRanboo headcanons... The scrunkly <3

(All /rp of course!)

A: Realistic

I'm sure I've said this before but I love the idea of cRanboo being active in the Enderman community. Like going out for tea w the council, sitting w them in the crater and just gossiping abt everything, they talk to him like Ranboo you will not BELIEVE what Steven did the other day he literally just started stealing grass from people and cRanboo is like No. Way. And maybe Tubbo takes Michael on a walk and an Enderman just teleports in and gives the kid a flower before it dips. Idk just the idea that cRanboo and the Council are all pals and when you don't know where cRanboo is you can likely find him giving them questionable advice around a mouthfull of pastry and the Council sometimes will chill near cRanboo and/or his friends just to make sure they're all safe :)

C: Sad

B: Funny

(Sorry about that, I didn't know that treating c!Ranboo and ew!Ranboo as different people could have harmful connotations.)

I feel like cRanboo has a really hard time like... Idk dividing his time between experiencing and remembering. Like when he has really nice moments, just little things like a calm morning drinking coffee on the front porch with Techno and Phil, he always has this moment of like, am I about to try and put what I'm feeling into words and try and describe this moment for my future self, or am I just going to enjoy it while it lasts? Bc like on the one hand, he knows how fragile all of this is, not only could any of his relationships w these people crumble at any moment but also it wouldn't be uncommon for a war to break out or for someone to get killed or for a billion other terrible thins to happen, and he really wants to remember that all of this was real and really happened if it all goes wrong... But on the other hand, he never really feels like he understands when he's rereading his book. Like he knows what the words say, about how nice the morning with Techno and Phil was, how his coffee had a little bit of chocolate in it and Techno told some funny story about an old friend of his, but Ranboo never reads those and feels like he's re-experiencing the moment... I think it takes him a long time to come to terms with just like, taking each moment as it comes, maybe writing down that he haf a nice day with someone but not bothering to waste time he could be spending with them going into too much detail in his descriptions, y'know?

D: Unrealistic

Ok basic af I know but I have this headcanon that Ranboo is royalty from the End but because he's the runt of the litter (tiny by their standards) he wouldn't really be able to contest the throne anyway (I hc that they have a monarchy where the oldest child gets the crown [regardless of gender obviously bc they don't rlly have that so much] unless another child challenges them and wins it thru combat, poor cRanboo is smack dab in the middle of like 7 siblings and is the smallest of all of them so he is Not getting that crown lmao.) I think he went to the overworld in general on his own bc he didn't rlly like the royalty lifestyle and knew he would just end up as like a duke with an arranged marriage so he left to go explore, then heard abt the L'Manberg elections and was like hey if I can't make my home country better maybe I can help out here? But his memory issues which started basically as soon as he traveled dimensions only got worse and worse the longer he stayed in the server so now he doesn't remember his origins :(

I'd like to think all of Ranboo's siblings have similar naming conventions, bc of the pattern of names like Ranbob Ranboo and just Ran I like the idea that Ran is just like a prefix name for all/most Endermen but you just add a different suffix? So Ranboo's siblings could be called like Ranna, Ransom, etc? Idk that does get a bit repetitive I will admit but it's just a thought lol. Tbh I think all of Ranboo's siblings kind of Suck and are kind of full of themselves except for like One who he'd be able to actually take to the overworld and show around, I had a fic abt this at some point in which Tubbo ended up going with him to the End Court so Ranboo could reconnect w his family but shit went wrong and Tubbo had to kick a little ass but I never ended up writing it lmao 😅