#( and now she has god awful social skills - doesn't know how to have heart to hearts - and speaks bluntly )

[worldhell-archiving]

Laura's last name is widely known in the inner wall. Her father works within Mitras while their family home resides in Stohess with it being her mother's residence. He goes away for long periods of time. They are all about reputation and image, and her mother especially is obsessive with beauty. They tried so many underhanded tactics to get her out of the cadets, even kidnapping. It never worked. Joining the Survey Corps, she'd get a lot of letters sent from her mother; she'd always tear them up. Since Laura was kept in her room for a majority of her youth, there was never any kidnapping attempts from people who wanted to blackmail her family. She was also taught about the underground very early into her youth for similar reasons. Laura has underlying distain and immediate distrust for them, mostly because of the world that is the underground; it follows her even into adult life. She isn't inherently cruel, but she will pull a face of disgust and immediately suspect you're trouble. For all she's rejected from that life ( god she's feral, will be dirtied, and bloodied, and fight until she physically can't, stubborn, unhinged ambition to be strong ) there's aspects of her mother that still lie dormant, and she still comes across as high born who looks down on others; that's just her face I swear-

[the-golden-ghost]

multiples of 5 for davy bc he’s my fav(y)

5. What is your OC’s first memory?

He's 5 years old and it's one of many hideouts. It's dark. Agatha is keeping watch nearby and Davy can smell the scent of her cigarettes. Usually his job would be to keep quiet and stay out of the way and be ready to run or hide when they tell him, but tonight Osric's in a good mood. He asks Davy if he wants to hear a story, and of course, Davy is more than happy.

It isn't often he gets to sit next to one of his guardians and be spoken to like a living being, but tonight he does. He has no idea that such a thing is normal for most children. To him, it's something rare, and awe-inspiring.

10. What deadly sin would best represent your OC?

Wrath, possibly? He's not violent but he can get intensely angry, he just tries to keep it under wraps.

His main flaw is that he holds grudges which I guess would fall under wrath? He's just a bad communicator who doesn't know how to let things go

15. If your OC could have any pet, what would they choose? Why?

He has a ferret! Her name is Smudge and she's 3 years old and trained (but doesn't always listen!) He carries her around in one of his coat pockets a lot. Never leaves home without her <3

Why did he choose her I'm not sure yet! I don't know how he ended up with her, only that he did. Actually my first thought is that she was given to him as payment for a favor and he was like "what is this and what do I do with it" and then ended up loving her more than life itself, as you do

20. If they came from their world to ours (if not already in our’s) how would they react? What would they do?

He would not enjoy:

Cars (I mean the amount we have now)

The Internet

Cellular Phones

Okay he'd like wikipedia but he wouldn't like social media AT ALL

Advertising that's in everything all the time

Modern music

Actually I don't think he'd like anything. He'd be very annoyed and immediately want to go back to the desolate magical hellscape from whence he came, cause it's a far cry better than this

25. What inspired you to create them / how did you create them? Were they originally a fancharacter? What was their personality / design like when you first made them?

He went through a few iterations.

Version 1: Faith's second in command. Dull. Basically just a shy unassuming yes-man with no personality other than doing whatever Faith says and having no will of his own. Pretty much created just so she'd have someone to back her up

Version 2: PIRATE this is probably his most known iteration to date. Cold. Abrasive. Not even very good at being a pirate. Very little in the way of Piratey Charisma and Swashbuckling Yo Ho Ho Energy. He could fight but didn't want to. He didn't even really like stealing things why did I make him like this

Version 2.5: Wizard Pirate. Funny, but I lost the plot. This was where he was when I dropped it and did the reboot. He was a bit more fun in this version and less of an ice-hearted dickbag (loved his crew) but it just didn't work. My skills at combining Wizard Piracy were simply not there, and simply didn't work for Davy. He wanted to kill a god though, that was hysterical but again, Didn't Work.

Version 3: Thief and conman. Early reboot version. Didn't really work either. You really think this unassuming nerd is going to con anybody? Give me a break. He still kind of works as a thief but

Version 4: EX-THIEF just trying to find a place in the world and not die. I like this one since instead of trying to pick a trope and force him into it I'm finally just letting him exist and just be what he is. Which isn't really anything specific; he's just a weird, shadowy guy with weird, shadowy goals

30. Do they want to get married? Why or why not? Would they ever want kids? Do they have kids? Why?

He doesn't want to get married; he is aroace and understands that marriage is usually a romantic endeavor. He wouldn't want to make his spouse sad by not being what they want or need him to be.

That being said I did have it that he and Faith briefly got married for plot reasons and then divorced later? I may take it out but I think it's funny. But as to a Real Romantic Marriage, no, he wouldn't do that.

I don't know if he wants kids. He'd be a good father, but he doesn't believe he'd be a good father so he considers it out of the question. Funnily enough he had a daughter named Lydia in one of the earlier installments, but she didn't make it past the update.

35. How is your character’s imagination? Daydreaming a lot? Worried most of the time? Living in memories?

He's not very imaginative in the sense of creation or storytelling, he's a problem-solver. He figures out what needs to be done and how to get it done as easily as possible.

He does worry but it tends to be action-oriented, not just meaningless distress. Sometimes it can be too much, though. He will get an idea of something horrible that can happen, work to prevent it, get another idea, work to prevent that, and get stuck and exhaust himself trying to prevent anything from going awry rather than moving in a direction he actually needs to move.

Living in memories? God no. He forgets as much as possible. And he's good at it, too.

40. Your character is getting ready for a night out. Where are they going? What do they wear? Who will they be with?

He doesn't go out much and when he does he sticks close to Faith for the most part, or else hangs back as much as possible so as not to be observed by anyone.

He dresses well, but simply. Nothing flashy, nothing that would get him noticed. Usually he might slightly underdress just so people will think of him as not worth their time and ignore him. And, always, he is with Faith or Lilah. Very few other people have his trust.

45. If your character was given a slice of pineapple pizza and they HAD to eat it (or something bad would happen), how would they react? Do they even LIKE pineapple pizza?

He would uhhhh probably throw up. No he doesn't like pizza, pineapple or otherwise. I mean he'd eat it but he would not enjoy it

50. If your character was presented with imminent and unavoidable death/fatality, how would they react? Would they try to avoid death anyways? Would they try to make their last days count? 

He'd be... depressed? He's spent his whole life trying to avoid death and has gotten himself out of more scrapes then he can count and to him it would feel like all that fighting for survival was just... meaningless.

On some level he knows it'll happen eventually and he's kind of always been expecting it, but he's only in his 20s in the story proper so that's not an especially long life. He'd try to make his last days count, sure, and he'd absolutely do everything he could to dodge fate, but it would mostly just make him sad.

[tornbetween2loves]

Arcana Unbound: All It Took Was A Moment

This is a collaboration between myself and @innerpostmentality It is a TRR AU set 25 years in the future from the current TRR timeline. The story focuses around the children of the TRR characters.

Disclaimer: All characters belong to Pixelberry, except for our amazing OCs. We claim all of them as our own.

Warning: Parts of this series may contain erotica and scenes of violence. It should not be read by anyone under the age of 18.

Tagging: @darley1101 @gardeningourmet @speedyoperarascalparty @hopefulmoonobject @bobasheebaby @carabeth @sawyeroakleyscowboyhat @riseandshinelittleblossom @stopforamoment @scalpeljockeybrycelahela @furiousherringoperatortoad @indiacater @sirbeepsalot @alesana45 @strangerofbraidwood @museofbooks @furryperfectionlover @ao719 @blackcatkita @kennaxval

Word count: 3488

Featured pairing: Aeneas and Sarissa, Xiphos and Calais

Arcana Unbound masterlist

Four thousand years ago gods and magic shaped and ruled and were plentiful in the world. Man and all the creatures were shaped and marked by it. Then things began to change. Gradually those things of magic diminished and the things of science took precedence until magic became a myth tucked away safely in children’s fairy tales and skilled entertainer’s parlor tricks.

It’s been a thousand years of progress unmarked by true magic.

 …………………….. Things are about to change.

Sarissa stood outside the door of Calais’ room, her mouth dry and her palms sweaty. She raised her hand and knocked softly. “Calais? It’s Sarissa. Are you awake? Can we talk?” She pressed her ear to the door and tried to make out the incoherent mumbling on the other side. A few moments later the door opened. Calais stood there yawning and rubbing the sleep from her eyes. She yawned and gestured Sarissa into the room. The girls sat down next to each other on the bench at the foot of the bed. “Calais, I’m sorry for being so angry. I shouldn’t have reacted like I did. I was surprised.” She paused to collect her thoughts.

Calais wrapped Sarissa in a big hug and relaxed into her shoulder. "Please don't be mad."

Sarissa sighed as she wrapped her arm around her friend. “Why didn’t you tell me, Calais?”

"Cause it wasn't going to happen. I didn't want your pity. There wasn't a point. He didn't even see me when I was there."

She shook her head. "Yesterday was just weird."

“Tell me about it. Weird is not the word.” She sighed deeply. “It is obvious to anyone with half a brain that you and Xiphos are crazy about each other.” She looked into her eyes. “I’m happy for you, Calais.

"I don't know what happened." She shook her head. "Aeneas was goading me about participating in the social season. And I was trying to get him to give it a rest. So I told him I already liked someone." She rolled her eyes. "That was the wrong move. Because then he was like a dog with a bone. I wouldn't tell him who it was and he knew I hadn't told the person I liked and he said I had to tell them. When Aeneas gets his stubborn up he doesn't let go. So I knew I had to tell him. One minute I was telling Xiphos that I liked him but I knew he liked Aeneas... " She shook her head. "And that he had been running away from that. And the next thing...."

She looked at Sarissa with a wondering expression. "Your brother is amazing. I'm so sorry I upset you."

Sarissa smiled and looked at Calais, her eyes sparkled. “It’s okay. Your brother is amazing too.” She spoke softly and her cheeks flushed a deep red. She shifted her eyes to the floor. “When Leo and I found you and Xiphos in the stables I didn’t understand how two people could be so utterly smitten with each other in literally a day.” She lifted her head back up to meet Calais’ gaze. “But now I understand.”

Calais pulled back and looked at her, one brow lifted. "Aeneas?"

Sarissa smiled sheepishly as she nodded. Her cheeks were still pink. “Calais, I couldn’t even explain it if I tried. I’ve spent all these years keeping Aeneas at arm’s length, I was so sure that he would be the king I would protect with my life. All it took was a moment. One moment completely changed my entire outlook on life.”

She smiled thoughtfully. "I know exactly what you mean. But I wasn't sure. You know Leo has a total crush on you. And Aeneas doesn't let himself get close." She shakes her head. "Though I knew something was up with him last night when he practically walked into a door to go get something for Xiphos to take to you." She giggled. "I hadn't seen him do that before."

Sarissa couldn’t help the blush that spread across her cheeks. “I really can’t even explain it. Being with him just feels so.....” She struggled to find the right words. “Perfect? Meant to be? I don’t know, maybe I’ve gone mad.” Both girls giggled. “Aeneas said that Leo was a better catch than him. He tried to push me away. But he may have met his match in stubbornness.”

Calais got a soft loving look on her face. "I hope so. He deserves someone who can love all of him. The man as well as the prince, the king he will someday be. I know that it's not going to be easy Sarissa." Her dark eyes locked with her friends. "It's not just that Aeneas will be king. It's that he also wants to be king. He has this construct in his head of the perfect king and he dedicates himself to fitting that model. Sometimes it means he sacrifices his desire to fit that." She sighed. "It's not always a healthy thing. I hope you can make him see that he can be happy and still be a great king."

Sarissa smiled at her friend. “I hope so too. He tried to push me away last night and something I said got through to him. Not sure what but he opened himself up and let me in.” Her smile faded. “But I’m scared, Calais. I’m scared he’ll shut me out and I won’t be able to get him to let me back in.”

"Hey" Calais hugged her. "This whole thing is scary. I.." She trailed off.

Sarissa wrapped her arms around her friend. When she hesitated she pulled back to look in her dark eyes. “What is it? You know you can tell me anything. Anything.”

Her voice was very soft. "I truly don't know if I'm strong enough for Xiphos, Sarissa. I... "she shook her head and her voice was flat. "There was someone... and I thought he cared for me. But it was all lies. Just lies. Just bragging rights. He, he.." Tears ran down her cheeks silently. "Fucking princess bull shit. All he wanted was to say he'd fucked the princess of Cordonia. Got pictures too. So if I went to anyone they would mysteriously wind up with the press." She burst into tears.

Sarissa’s mouth dropped open as she wrapped her arms around Calais. “Oh I’m so sorry. That’s awful.” She pulled back, anger flared in her grey eyes as she looked at her broken friend. “Tell me who he is. I’ll kill him myself. Then you won’t have to worry about pictures.” Her eyes softened a bit as Calais looked up at her and shook her head slowly. Sarissa sighed and wrapped an arm around her friend’s shoulder to pull her close. Her voice was soft and quiet, close to Calais’ ear. “You are one of the strongest people I know. I would be more worried about my brother being strong enough for you.”

Calais shook her head and sniffed then reached over and grabbed a tissue from her bedside table. "Your brother..." She dabbed her eyes. "He was supposed to be... safe?" She laughed. "Too beautiful to be true. Too popular to ever really notice me. Just a fantasy. A dream to love me, just me when no one else could see past the mark and the tiara. I knew he was obsessed with my brother. That just made him safer." She shook her head and looked up. "Oh God... I was so dumb."

Sarissa smiled gently at her friend. “I haven’t yet spoken to Xiphos, but I could tell when he came to my room last night that he has changed.” She wrapped her arm around Calais’ shoulders. “My brother is not as shallow as everyone makes him out to be. He has a big heart and truly just wants to find someone who will love him for who he is, not because he’s ‘Cordonia’s most eligible bachelor’. I think you both are a lot alike. You’re well-suited for each other.” Her smile faded and was replaced by a serious look. “I’m very sorry I reacted like I did. But I want you to know I’m happy for you both. I think you’ll make each other very happy.”

"I never thought he was shallow." she looked down. "I thought he was drowning himself in sex to try to forget Aeneas." She smiled softly. "Aeneas never saw Xiphos’ attraction to him. I'm not sure he ever saw anyone's attraction to him. Or maybe it was because he could never tell if it was him or his crown. Or one but not the other. He's not like Uncle Leo. He's never going to abdicate. Well maybe in 30 years or so. You have to realize that, Sarissa. I don't think Aeneas would ever do a 'fling'." She laughed, "It wouldn't surprise me at all if he's the only virgin left in the family."

Sarissa’s eyes went wide. “Aeneas? A virgin?” The color drained from her face. “Y-you mean....oh my god.” She shook her head and sighed deeply. She looked directly into Calais’ face with resolve. “I’m not interested in having a fling with your brother. I want to get to know him. I want to know the man behind the crown.” She paused for a moment. “You should know that I probably understand the pressures of the crown better than any of Aeneas’ other potential suitors. I think he deserves someone who can love all of him. The man, the crown prince and one day king.” She smiled hopefully at her friend. “I think I could do that. I could love him the way he deserves. If he’ll let me.”

Calais laughed softly. "Hey, I believe you. I wasn't accusing you of just wanting a fling with my brother. I was trying to assure you that if he's letting you in.... Well it's not a simple switch with him. I don't think he is going to turn it off. And if he's not.." She blushed, "If he's not as forward with you as you might expect. It's probably more just not being sure how to proceed. Being in uncharted territory as it were. I think he decided a long time ago that the best way to be certain there weren't going to be a slew of headlines about who he was involved with and the string of broken hearts and relationships and stories was just not to be involved at all. So he focused on his studies and his job and committed himself to the country and the people.

Sarissa nodded. “Well what happened this morning makes a lot more sense to me now that’s for sure.” Her smile faded as she looked at Calais very seriously. “So you mean to tell me I have to take the crown prince’s virginity?” Her face grew pale and her eyes widened. “I-I oh my....” She looked down wringing her hands in her lap. “I never thought...I mean I just assumed.....oh hell.” She tossed her hands in the air and looked at Calais sheepishly. “Never mind. Just ignore my stupidity please.”

Calais looked away and shrugged. "It should be someone who really cares for him. I think he's really lucky to have you Sarissa."

She frowned a bit. "I told your brother I want to sculpt him. He said I could.... Honestly part of me is afraid he's going to wake up and feel like yesterday was a leap off a cliff he wasn't ready for. I can still feel him Sarissa. Like he's part of me. And I love it. And it terrifies me at the same time."

Sarissa smiled at her friend. “I know how you feel. Have you heard from him yet today?” She looked down at her phone. “Actually never mind. I’m fairly certain he’s not awake yet.” She giggled. “I had the best time with Aeneas this morning Calais. I never realized your brother had such a good sense of humor. He’s really funny.”

Calais lifted a brow and used her most droll tone, "I laugh at him all the time. It builds character. Keeps him from getting the big head like he was the crown prince or something."

Sarissa raised an eyebrow at her friend. “Wanna come over? We could hang out and gossip about our brothers and when Xiphos rolls out of bed around 2 we can make sure he was ready to jump off that cliff yesterday.”

"Oooh That sounds wonderful! But I have to shower." She sniffed her shirt. "Somehow I doubt smelling like last night’s sea bass is really in the top 5 of how to get a guy to like you." She grins, "Remember you maybe. But not in a good way."

Calais hopped out of bed. "You want to pick something out for me to wear while I shower? That way I don't have to play head games with myself about 'Will he like this? Is this too much?'"

Sarissa giggled. “Sure. Although you would look good in a potato sack. I’m sure my brother would agree.” She walked into the closet, pulling out a selection of blouses and sweaters. She selected a pair of dark skinny jeans with a form-fitting off the shoulder sweater. Calais came out of the shower a few minutes later in a bathrobe with her hair wrapped in a towel. Sarissa held up the sweater. “I happen to know my brother has a thing for bare shoulders and collarbones.” She raised an eyebrow and winked at her friend.

Calais blushed and dropped her eyes. "I've never worn that. I like it. But it leaves my left shoulder bare..." She got a determined look. "You know what? I think it's time I wore it!"

She grabbed it and the jeans then went into her walk in and realized the mess she left in there the night before when she tossed her half packed suit case back in there. She frowned digging though her lingerie drawer picking out emerald green lace boy cut underwear and a matching bra. She donned the jeans and pulled the sweater on. The straps of the green bra were showing above the fold of the top of the dark maroon sweater and her birthmark swept down from her face across her throat, shoulder and down her chest disappearing below the cut of the sweater. She straightened her spine and went out to face Sarissa.

"What do you think?"

Sarissa smiled big at her friend. “You look amazing Calais. My brother will have to pick his chin up off the floor.”

"I feel a little naked." She laughed. "You better get me out of here before I chicken out and put on coveralls and a turtleneck."

She took the towel off her hair and it fell like a damp curtain down her back. She sighed. "This is going to be wet for hours if I don't dry it. Can you help me?" Calais’ hair unbraided hung to her waist. "I keep thinking about cutting it. It's just such a chore." She smiled. "Dad likes it."

Sarissa nodded and gestured for Calais to sit at the vanity. She combed her friend’s hair gently before reaching for the hair dryer and a round brush. “You better not cut it. Your hair is so soft, like homespun silk.” She turned on the dryer and aimed it at each section, pulling the brush through from root to tip. When it was all dry, Sarissa smiled at her friend in the mirror as she combed her fingers through the silky strands. “I have an idea.” She rifled through a drawer and pulled out a jewel-encrusted butterfly clip. She swept Calais’ hair to one side, securing it with an elastic. She flipped the ponytail over once and secured it with the clip. The ponytail fanned across her shoulder and collarbone, covering a large portion of the birthmark. Sarissa smiled. “How’s that? Feel a little better?”

Calais smiled at her friend and nodded. "Hey, Thanks. Thanks for listening. And still being my friend. I promise I'll be good to your brother. I really love him Sarissa. I.. I didn't think I could after." She shook herself and grabbed Sarissa's hand and looked into her eyes. "Just thanks."

Sarissa wrapped her arms around her friend and pulled her into a big hug. “I’ll always be your friend Calais. Nothing will ever change that.” She pulled out of the embrace and smiled. “I know you love him. I can tell you two have something special. I wish you every happiness.”

She blushed. "Let's go. Before I start checking my phone obsessively."

Sarissa blushed. “Ummm sure let’s go. But Calais I didn’t drive here. I came in the limo with Aeneas.” She smiled at her friend sheepishly. “Can you arrange a ride for us?”

Calais grinned "You know.... we could take horses. Your house isn't far from the palace."

Sarissa’s face lit up. “That’s a fabulous idea! Then you and Xiphos could enjoy a romantic horseback ride on the beach.”

Calais smiled shyly before she drug her out of the room and down to the stables. She smiled at Evan at the door and told him that they were going for a ride. Then they giggled all the way to the stables. In short time the horses were saddled and they were riding off down the service path which led to the parking lot. And then to the streets. She told the guard at the main gate they were going to Bastien's house. And he lifted a brow but let them go.

They drew more than a little attention. Two beautiful women riding horses in the streets of the capital as they chatted and walked along. Calais was recognized and she waved and smiled but didn't stop. And it didn't actually take that much longer before they were riding through the gates at the entrance to Sarissa's house. They tied the horses up to one of the yard lamps and went giggling into the house.

Calais laughed. "I thought the guard was going to stop us for sure."

Sarissa broke into a fit of giggles. “I don’t know how we managed to pull that off. I thought for sure we would be escorted back to the palace at any moment.” She turned around and ran smack dab into Bastien. “Oh! Daddy, I’m sorry. I didn’t see you there.

He stood before them, arms crossed across his chest. He raised an eyebrow at his daughter. “You two rode horses through town all the way from the palace? Without a guard escort?” He narrowed his eyes at them. Sarissa shot Calais a helpless look.

Calais looked at Bastien and smiled then hugged him. "Uncle Bastien, I had Sarissa and we didn't stop. And we did tell the guard where we were going. I can call them and let them know we are safe or you can. I just wanted to get out for a bit. It's my fault."

Bastien softened a bit at the embrace. “Yes, I know you told the guard. He called me.” He looked pointedly at Sarissa over Calais’ shoulder. “You really shouldn’t be out without guards. However, I know that Sarissa would protect you with her life if necessary.” He smiled. “Next time just take the limo or call me and I’ll send a car.”

Calais fidgeted looking a little guilty. "So if I maybe wanted to ride on the beach later??? Please Uncle Bastien? I'll take Xiphos and Sarissa. And the dogs... Please? It's not planned so I don't think the beach ninjas will be waiting to kidnap us." She looked down so he couldn't see her grin.

Bastien sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “I don’t see any harm in a ride on the beach. As long as both Sarissa and Xiphos are with you.” He sighed deeply and looked into Calais’ eyes. He smiled gently at her. “Your father would kill me if I let something happen to you.” He saw the happiness in her eyes and sensed there was a change in her. “My dear, you look wonderful today. You are simply glowing with happiness. Has something changed since I saw you last?” Calais’ cheeks flushed pink as she exchanged a knowing glance with Sarissa.

She nodded and hugged Bastien again. "Yes. I sort of fell in love." She gave him another glowing smile before she grabbed Sarissa's hand and dashed off to Sarissa's room giggling.

She got on the other side of the door and covered her mouth over a squeal. "I know. I know. I told him the truth... sort of." Then she looked concerned. "Should I have asked his permission? I mean Xiphos is an adult. I don't want your dad to find out from paparazzi? But Xiphos should probably tell him don't you think? Oh my God... I don't want MY Dad to find out from paparazzi for sure. We need to have a plan..."

Sarissa’s eyes got wide. “Oh no, it would be awful if either of our parents found out from the press.” She smiled at Calais. “Aeneas already asked my dad’s permission.” She held up her index finger. “Hang on a second. You’re right, Xiphos should be the one to talk to both our parents. Wait here for a minute.”

[thesalvationofdoriangray]

True Self

I've realized for the longest of time, I've portrayed an image that's not really me. It is utterly exhausting and it gives me social anxiety. A defense mechanism in projecting what I think I should be rather than what I truly am. Especially in social settings. I could give a dozen of reasons why I do this. Could it be that I had to hide who I was from my parents or I would be shamed? Was it the bad people in the drug world? I was constantly living in paranoia and fear. Was it because for all those years I used, I was running away from myself? Is it because I'm scared of people knowing how damaged I truly am and once I am no longer able to main this facade, my whole world comes crashing down and I disappear? I don't think it even matters. People don't give a shit and it dosen't help me much analyzing. Whatever happened, I learned how to pretend for years and after being dissociated from myself for that long I begin to wonder who I really am. Now that I am sober I am forced to face years and years of emotion. It wasn't recently that I finally was able to look in the mirror and accept things for what they truly are. I was pretty happy with my progress when I worked for Amazon. I always compared myself because that's what I was taught. I was in that life for 12 years. I overdosed twice, been robbed 4 times, SWAT team came to my house, and went psychotic in and out of hospitals. I did 20 months in rehab, accepted God, and climbed my way from delivery to dispatch and made a great salary. Now that I look back I see I have potential and I'm damn proud of what I accomplished even though I still failed. I went through the valley of the shadow of the death to get there and I'm done comparing myself. Everyone has a different destiny. If pre-election is true then I must ask myself, why did God choose me? He must see something valuable in me. The awful truth is I am now behind but the truth will set me free. This is not the life I envisioned as a kid when the world was at my fingertips. Even if an amazing woman came along, I would not share this with her. She deserves better and so do I. I've seen some of my friends just settle with whomever but I refuse to use any girl. I'll never forget how my ex made me feel when she disposed me like an object when I was 26.

I must digilently grind for the next few years to become the man God wants me to be. I accept things for what they are now and it's time to heal my true self. This doesn't mean getting buff, dressing nice, looking organized, being charming, sounding smart, showing talent, acting overly religious, being funny or the center of attention and etc. These are superficial and skin deep. I'm talking about open heart surgery on the damaged soul.

First I'll start off by loving myself as a human being, not human doing. The world evaluates one's worth by what they've achieved but that's not how God sees me. I for one genuinely love all people. I don't care what color, social status, religion, or male/female. I want to connect with everyone on a deeper level. I literally feel like it's my job to uplift people because I myself have suffered so much. I am caring, encouraging, sacrificing, empathetic, passionate, charismatic, comedic, creative, adventurous, loyal, and naturally a positive person. I have some leadership skills. I am athletic. I am expressive. I am a writer. I am poetic. I am philosophical and have spiritual insight. I have some musical talent. I can be very interpersonal and build quick connections. I am definitely romantic but only the girls can vouch for this one 😀.

Next is the human doing part. We are the only creatures on earth that need purpose. The soul cannot be fulfilled without one. It is important to have purpose on many levels. Obviously for a Christian it's to advance the kingdom but one must contribute to society as well. I can't be doing labor work for the rest of my life and I refuse to sit in front of a computer screen. There's only one ultimatum left. Nursing! I'm going back to school. For years and years I've ran from my dream of becoming a nurse. I was in block 2 of the RN program and quit not because of grades but my addiction. Nursing is perfect for me and utilizes all of my good character traits. It is also the perfect hybrid between working on your feet, using your mind, and human interaction. It is also damn interesting to me. Human pathophysiology, microbiology, and human anatomy and physiology were some of the most interesting classes I've ever taken. If I become a nurse, I can specialize later on as an addiction nurse. I can then use my addiction experiences to help others.

My Father in Heaven,

Why did you choose me before I was born with my whole life written inside a book? Why is it that in my depression, I beg for death and it never happens? What kind of plan do you have for me? I'm tired of self hating. Satan has convinced me for too long that I am a piece of shit but those are all lies. Life is short and wonderful. Time is so precious. I'm sick of this paralyzing depression where I can spend up to a week in bed in the dark.

Lord, what is it that you cannot do? Countless times in history we see your sovereignty at work. We see miracles. We see your love, mercy, and grace. I'm not asking you to take away this pain because this is what's going to mold me into the person I'm meant to be. I'm asking for wisdom, insight, and direction. I'm asking for strength and energy to stay focused. I'm asking for healing of my mind, body, and soul.

In the precious name of Christ, Amen

[myvelouri]

I'm having a slight break down. This is going to be way too personal

If anyone is allowed to hate their life (trust me there's a lot of people who are) then it's definitely me.

I'll tell you why. First of all, why should I care about this? I say that to myself, but I care a lot anyway.

I've never really been able to have sex like normal. As in, my body just fucking sucks and does weird shit. So, I've said it before. If I have sex or masturbate for more than 2 weeks, my skin suddenly becomes really oily and I get these hard bumps that eventually turn into fat ass PIMPLES and often times cysts. And yeah, they have scarred my face permanently. I get this on my fave, my back, bottom and arm pits. If I stay abstinent and don't jerk off or ANYTHING, I have the most perfect skin. (The permanent scars are still of course there and many have accumulated). And I just feel like this isn't supposed to happen, this isn't supposed to be real, doctors say it's impossible, yet it's happening to me and it's dead ass real. I've done many experiments and changed the variables like a science project, and it WAS one. I can prove this happens to me. But it's not about you believing me. I'm extremely... Heart broken that this is happening at all. My heart starts to shake. Because this seems unrealistic. Still, 15 years later. I still have to deal with this. To cope, I tell myself, well, other people just have acne ALL the time without being able to stop it, but me? I know what triggers it, and I don't have acne at all, but if I don't have sex as much as I want to, then I'm good to go. But my god it's such torture. It truly is. All of my ex's and past FWB actually ARE aware of this "condition" I have. They seem to be totally baffled by it too, and how real it is.

And it affects not just my own sense of freedom and enjoyment... But my god, when your girl is horny and she wants to fuck your brains out and you have to say "I'm sorry babe, I just can't... I can't right now, it'll be bad for me" it hurts the relationship wether she says "okay babe, I understand" or not. It just does.

And on top of all that, my dick size pisses me off. I'm 6'2", my dick should be huge. But it ain't. And here's another kicker, I can't fucking get hard. Imagine a 20 year with a fuck ass dick. Yeah, hi, that's me.

Although I stopped any kind of masturbation and porn for months at a time and it totally helped my erection.. it felt so fucking horrible. Wasting months and years of my life unable to just whack off or have fun having sex with someone I like and likes me.

It's cruel. It's so fucking cruel.

But to make myself feel fucking better, I tell myself, "hey, at least I wasn't born a pedophile, imagine how much worse that would be." And yeah. That doesn't even make me feel better anymore

My heart is racing now, as I type this.

My face in scars, my body just awful.

There's also the fact that I have a condition, a oral one, so, my mouth and jaws never fully properly formed growing up, and my face grew elongated and basically gave me a perma-derpy face. Picture Napoleon Dynamite, but brown, and fat. That's what the fuck happenened to me. It's a common condition. And you can see my school pictures every year from kindergartner to 5th grade and watch my face degrade and retard. It's fascinating to see. But I used to be a beautiful fuckin kid. This condition made me so ugly. I remember before I had it. In kindergarten and before, I have memories of girls all over me saying I was so cute. Girls asked me to marry them in kindergarten. But a few years later, those same girls didn't recognize me. It was traumatic for me. Big time. In fact, my heart is racing even faster right now. I'm gonna take a sip of my alcohol real quick.

Okay. So, on top of all that, I was a heavy kid. Well, luckily for me I'm a smarty pants and I was able to lose all my weight by 14 years old. Super skinny. But guess what? I have loose skin. It's rather mild but my god I cannot wear tight shirts at all. It's awful. I never take my shirt off in public. I've been working out and I can look decent in pictures in a few poses. But it's still horrendous in real life. You can see stretch marks too. I don't mind those.

But yeah. I've never felt free. I still have that insecurity and I usually try to hide my body if the wind is pushing my shirt into my body. I get anxiety and start sweating. It's just mental. I can't stop it, I can't okay?

And here's another thing. I was always really intelligent, very quick, and extremely funny. I used to be the class clown in my classes and even in my family (I have tons of relatives) and I used to be so popular on both of those social scenes. It was incredible. Girls would like me for my personality but wouldn't date or fuck me because they said I looked too ugly and goofy. Yeah, let me tell you, that took a long time to be okay with. I'm not okay with it still, but I won't cry anymore about it. So yeah, my brain, the only thing I cherished. I was amazing at video games, above average in everything I did, I used to help out my friends and family in video games and they'd be so impressed, they'd love me so much. I'd play online and people would go nuts at my skills, even when playing multiplayer games with family actually, I'd do some crazy fast reaction shots in shooters that was fucking incredible. I used to play professionally with a team I had too. I was looked up to in many ways. I was told that too. And so I loved my brain. I remember the quality of life, being capable of joking around, and it was so much fun, what a great gift of life. I'd joke around nonstop, riff with everyone, and I'd always be the one to win and end up making everyone crack up. Wow. That was FUN. It made life worth living and is why I absolutely adore comedy. But... I suddenly was hit with depression. I isolated myself. And slowly, my brain started to deteriorate. I have lost all of my big personality, humor (most of it is gone) my quickness, I'm terrible at games, my brain functions very slowly, I'm terrible at socializing (I used to dominate) and I can't study or pass classes like I used to (I used to with ease) and I can't remember things or memorize things at all anymore. Depression is slowly killing my brain, year by year. It's even worse now.

And now I'm finally old. I have nothing, can't do anything. My depression isn't mild. It was originally diagnosed as "severe depression" and it has killed me, who I am. The real me ain't here. I try not to say that as it makes my sister cry. But I died a long time ago. I'm just a shadow of my former self trying to make the best of whatever is left for me here. I have strong opinions on things, and I can't fucking even care anymore.

The worst part is just waking up. Every day. I hate thinking. But it's all my brain makes me do. And it's not even good at it anymore like I used to be. I wish it would stop. I'm scared to buy a gun. I was getting one for sport. To shoot targets. Not to kill anyone. I mean, it's good for self defense. But I just wanted it for sport. But I'm afraid. Because I think I really would shoot myself in the head eventually. I am so scared of that.

I'm tired.

I'm so very tired.

[magichcuse]

&. BASICS

Full Name: Wilbur Jeron Abberquack

Nicknames: He allows people to call him Will, but that's about it for nicknames he likes.

Of course, there are nicknames he abhors but has to deal with anyway (courtesy of Penelope and pretty much anyone who isn't afraid of Wilbur). Willy and Piggy are the most common ones, though it seems Penelope can come up with awful nicknames faster than Wilbur can tell her to knock it off.

Age: Wilbur is around 11 or 12.

Sexuality: He has only really had one crush and even then, he's only just starting to develop said crush at this time. He's somewhere on the grey side of the spectrum, possibly demi.

Date of Birth: August 24th

Place of Birth: -

Gender & Species: He is a male duck.

Current Location: -

&. MORE BASIC INFO

Languages: English

Religion: He is agnostic, but losing faith quickly. He doesn't want to believe that a God or a pantheon of gods would allow the world to be so cruel and unfair.

Education: Wilbur is currently a magic school student.

Occupation: His father doesn't allow him to have a life outside of magic school and courtship, but he sometimes sneaks off in the dead of night to play music. Of course, this gets him into a lot of trouble and these secret outings are now only reserved for when he knows his parents will be gone for an extended period of time.

Drinks, Smokes, & Drugs: N/A

&. PERSONALITY

Zodiac Sign: -

Likes:

Wilbur has a love for music. He isn't allowed to pursue this passion but saved up to buy himself a lute anyway. He practices in secret and does whatever he can to keep his cherished instrument hidden, knowing his father will destroy it and stop giving him an allowance if he finds out. He also is a pretty good singer, though he also hides this from his father. At school, however, he isn't afraid to use his vocal talent to woo ladies...at least, when the adults aren't there to rat him out to his father.

He has a deep bond with his familiar, Uma, a black lamb. Jeron isn't pleased that his son has such a "dainty, effeminate" familiar, locking her away out of fear of judgment. Wilbur is starting to develop an embarrassment of his familiar, but still adores her and spends time with her behind his father's back because she's the one loving, supportive figure he has in his life.

Plants are also a big interest of Wilbur's. He tries smuggling potted plants in his room, only for his father to either throw them out or destroy them. Wilbur also offers to help the servants tend to the manor's garden, much to his father's dismay. The garden is also where he practices his spells. He would also play music and spend time with Uma there, but it's too much of a risk engaging in rebellious activities so close to the manor. Instead, Wilbur seeks refuge by a creek just outside his father's estate. There's an abundance of wildflowers and foliage for him to admire and it's secluded enough to where no one will find him. Unfortunately, his father sometimes notices Wilbur's little getaways (though he doesn't know where his son has gone) and locks him out of the house for at least a couple of days before letting him back in and (temporarily) being more strict/watchful. Of course, Jeron has many more responsibilities that he considers more of a priority than his son's whereabouts, so this doesn't usually last long.

Wilbur considers dueling a hobby of his, though it's not the dueling itself that makes him happy. It's the feeling of control he gets, finally getting to be powerful instead of the meek boy he truly is. This goes for his flirting as well, not really interested in girls (aside from one) but still liking the feeling of being able to toy with peoples' emotions.

Penelope is the one person who sees past Wilbur's strong, stoic facade...the one person who doesn't put him on a pedestal...the one person he knows could defeat him with no issue if she wanted...and he loves it. Being her rival is fun and it feels like a victory whenever he succeeds in annoying her or gets the last word. Her snarkiness and raw power also amazes and attracts him, as well as her undeniable beauty. She's the only girl he believes is worthy of his affections.

Dislikes:

Penelope is the one person who sees past Wilbur's strong, stoic facade...the one person who doesn't put him on a pedestal...the one person he knows could defeat him with no issue if she wanted...and he hates it. She doesn't respect him, had continually antagonized him even back when he hadn't done anything to deserve it yet, and tries her hardest to shatter the comforting illusion of strength and worth he worked so hard to create for himself. Her flirty behavior toward other students (both male and female, but especially male) not only infuriates him but also breaks his heart. He continues to try to earn her respect anyway, no matter how futile it might be. Wilbur would never openly admit to how much he truly cares about her, though he still looks out for her and cares for her in his own way despite their clear rivalry.

Wilbur isn't sure how he feels about Oswald Featherton, but he definitely doesn't consider him a friend. They only interact out of social obligation/benefit. While Wilbur is objectively the school's "pretty boy" (as Penelope puts it), Oswald runs the school behind his curtain. He's even more skilled in manipulation than Wilbur and unlike him, doesn't care about anyone other than himself. There's no such thing as going too far for Oswald and getting on his bad side is a bad idea. Oswald knows the power he has over Wilbur (even before their deal) and uses it to his advantage. Wilbur hates it but has no other choice besides going along with it anyway. Oswald has both the social power and raw magic to truly ruin Wilbur's life if he wanted, or perhaps cause Wilbur to not exist in the first place. This terrifies Wilbur and though everyone else might see Wilbur as top dog, he's just one of Oswald's many puppets.

Wilbur has a love/hate relationship with the book "Charlotte's Web", though it leans more strongly towards the "hate" side now that he's older. He used to reread that book time and time again (when he wasn't under Jeron's watchful eye), relating to the main character's feelings of hopelessness and powerlessness as well as fantasizing about having his own "Charlotte" to give him protection and security. Of course, sharing a name with a well known fictional pig gives people a lot of opportunities to pick on him. A lot. He faced taunting for most of his childhood until he had enough and scared the other students enough to get them to stop. The school's elite (and Penelope) still use it to make fun of him, though it's not as frequently (which is still somewhat frequent). Wilbur remembers the book fondly and considers it a guilty pleasure, but has developed a deep resentment of it due to the amount of taunting it spawned from his peers.

Being ignored bothers Wilbur a lot. If he's speaking to you, he expects you to listen. He doesn't let anyone on about just how much it hurts to be ignored though. He'll act annoyed, but hides his pain until he's alone.

Bad Habits:

Wilbur talks to himself without realizing it. It's the same with his humming.

When he's stressed or anxious, he pulls his hair. He's trying to break this habit, but he always falls back into it.

Secret Talent: Wilbur isn't half bad at repairing clothing and could probably make himself some decent clothes if he wanted, but that's something he doesn't think is worth facing his father's scorn.

Hobbies: Wilbur isn't allowed to do much outside of his studying, but he sneaks off to play music and study plants sometimes.

Fears:

The dark

Public humiliation

His father

Being powerless

Abandonment/emotional pain

Five Positive Traits:

Intelligent; has both book smarts and street smarts

Focused, determined; continues to get back up no matter how many times he falls

Honorable; follows the standard practices and common courtesies when it comes to dueling. He only breaks the rules if he feels like his life is on the line and even then, it makes him feel incredibly guilty.

Sets aspirations for himself; strives to improve and become better

Has a sense of when something is going too far (albeit, a somewhat skewed one); shows restraint/mercy

Five Negative Traits:

Bad at communicating emotions

Superiority/inferiority complex

Represses his issues; deals with his problems in an unhealthy way

Has issues with envy and jealousy

Inhibited; puts on a confident act, but he's just playing a part so he can conform; doesn't have any real control of his life.

Other Mentionable Details: ( can include mental disorders, quirks, etc. )

Wilbur "bleps" when he's happy. Not like he's happy often enough for this to be noticed, but it's something he tries to hide the rare moment he does get to be happy.

&. APPEARANCE

Tattoos: N/A

Piercings: N/A

Reference Picture:

&. FAMILY INFORMATION

Parent Names: His parents are Jeron and Wisteria Abberquack.

Parent Relationship:

Jeron is...a bad dad to say the least. He's physically and emotionally abusive, controlling, and just a terrible person in general. Wilbur is absolutely terrified of him. Their training sessions are rough, usually ending with Wilbur being unconscious. Wilbur is forced to heal himself and hide the evidence of this abuse, out of fear of judgment.

Wisteria is someone Wilbur desperately wanted the love and approval of, but she ultimately pretended like he didn't exist. To her, he was Jeron's son to mold into whatever he wanted and nothing more. Wilbur is still shaken by her abandoning him and his father, though he's starting to build up walls to keep himself from being hurt like that again.

Sibling Names: Wilbur is an only child.

Sibling Relationship: N/A

Other Relevant Relative(s): Wilbur doesn't have any relationships with extended family; his family was pretty isolated and the Abberquacks aren't known for having big families to begin with. They just have their one son (either naturally or through magical interference) and force the son to continue the cycle.

Children: -

Pets: -