#( * open starter —— my happiness comes from the kindness of those around me. )

[whatsk-poppinhomies]

Pairing : Dad!Bangchan x F!Reader TW : Chans daughter is not readers child ; Chans ex wife and daughter are shit starters ; drama of course ; angsty ; honestly, poor Chan ; fluffy ending though ; slightly suggestive at the end as well ; Word Count : 6.5k Request : Anonny : Please write an angsty / fluffy fic about Dad!chan who, after years of not dating, finally decides to get back into dating & when he finally finds someone he doesn't tell reader he has a teenage daughter because he doesn't know how reader would feel about it but when reader finds out they're really upset and avoid him and his daughter reaches out to reader and convinces reader to talk to Chan and make up because she hates seeing her dad upset. A/N : This request is so cute and I'm so happy I get to write it. Of course, it will be super drama because I love when it happens, and with Chans recent bbl messages we know this man loves this kind of shit, so... This is for Chan and Chan stans and we love Chan!

“I got a call from your teacher today, Ella.” Chan said as his daughter walked through the front door. “They said your grades haven’t been the best lately, that you haven’t been focusing in class. Is something wrong? Do you have something going on?” He didn’t want to be the kind of father that always got on his child when their grades were below average, but he also didn’t want his daughter to flunk out. He wanted to see her be successful and happy in life, that’s all he ever wanted. 

“I’ve just been going through some stuff, dad.” Ella mumbled as she kicked her shoes into the corner near the front door and dropped her bags onto the floor. “Mom said she’s been trying to get in touch with you lately. I guess she saw that you’ve been posting about going out on your facebook.” She pulled out the chair across the table from Chan. “Why don’t I get to meet your new girlfriend?” 

Chan rolled his eyes, finally looking up from his phone to look at his daughter. “You’re changing the subject. What I do in my spare time isn’t important. Your grades are. So tell me, what kind of stuff have you been going through that’s been keeping you from being able to focus. Maybe I can help.” 

She huffed loudly, the attitude that he was warned would come along with a teenage daughter was in full force now. “It’s not even important anyway… Don’t you have a date to go on tonight? That’s all you ever talk about anymore. It’s like you don’t even care that mom left…” It was finally making sense to him, but it hurt that she felt that way. He had been kind enough to keep his ex wife’s dirty secrets just that, a secret, so that Ellas view of her mother wouldn’t be warped. He was trying to do the right thing, but it was becoming harder and harder. 

“I do care that your mother left… I was hurt by it for a long time, El. It’s been 8 years, and I think that it’s time that I’ve finally moved on because she isn’t coming back. Your mother has gotten remarried, divorced, and married again in those 8 years and I haven’t been with anyone until just a few months ago. I don’t think you’re being very fair right now.” He tried to explain, but he could tell, he could just see it in her face that she wasn’t ready to hear about it. “And, just so you know, I don’t have a date to go on tonight. I was planning on being here to help you with your homework and studying so that I don’t get another call like I had today.” 

///

“Had a late night in the studio, huh?” You said as you walked up behind Chan, your arms draping over his shoulders as he sat in front of his computer in his office. You could tell he was tired, he could barely sit up straight and his eyes wouldn’t stay open for longer than a few seconds. “It’s okay to take a break, bubs. It’s 3racha, not ChrisRacha.” 

He snickered at the little name, finally swiveling his chair around to face you and pulling you down onto his lap. “You sound like everyone else. I don’t like taking breaks, it gives me too much time to think about the time that I’m wasting.” He explained, his voice was groggy and not even laced, but completely filled with exhaustion. “I’ll be fine once I go over your place tonight, we can cuddle up and watch a movie.” He nuzzled his face into the crook of your neck, his hot breath against your skin sending a wave of goosebumps all over. 

“They’re repainting all of the apartments, I can’t even go into my own house right now. I’ve been staying with my parents.” You reminded him, although you were sure you had texted him about it and told him about it in the days leading up to the renovation. “We can go over to your place. We’ve been dating for 4 months now and you haven’t even invited me over.” 

There was a reason for that, a reason that you didn’t know of, but he felt it was just better if you didn’t find out. The last thing he wanted was for you to run off because he had a daughter, not just any daughter though, a teenage daughter who was still hung up on the divorce of her parents. She wasn’t the easiest to get along with, and although Chan had tried to butter her up to the prospect of one day meeting you, she didn’t take too kindly to the fact that he was dating again. “My place is a mess…” He lied, trying to muffle his words in the fabric of your shirt so you wouldn’t pick up on it. “We can go to a hotel if you’d like.” 

“That seems sleezy…” You mumbled, and he felt awful, he truly did. It felt like he was stuck between a rock and a hard place. He absolutely loves his daughter with every ounce of his heart, his entire being, he loved being her father. He loved you too though, you had been the light at the end of a very long, very dark tunnel. He didn’t want to have to choose between the two of you, it just didn’t seem fair. “I guess we’ll just wait for my apartment to be ready…” He could feel you trying to pull away, he could tell that you were upset, he didn’t want you to leave like that, so he tightened his arms around you, holding you close to him. 

“You’re not sleezy! I’m sorry I even recommended that, you’re better than that.” He quickly tried to get himself out of the hole that he had dug, it felt like he was clawing his way to the top, and everytime he got halfway out, he’d slip and he’d fall right back to the bottom. “I’ll clean my place, I just want it to be perfect for when you come over. Okay? You deserve the best.” 

The tension slowly left your body, he felt you soften up against him, and for a moment, it felt like he could breathe again. “Okay… Fine. I’ll wait… I just really miss sleeping next to you.” You whispered, and those words made his stomach feel warm and fuzzy. He missed sleeping next to you too. “I have to get back to work though… I’ll see you later. Try taking a break though, take a nap or something, that’s what the couch is for.” You pressed a kiss to his cheek before getting up, his arms reluctantly loosening around you until you were free to go. “Seriously, get some sleep.” 

///

“Where are you going?” Ella asked from the couch, watching Chan storm to the front door and yank his coat off the hook. “Did you and your girlfriend get into a little fight? Do you have to go kiss and make up now?” The mocking tone in her voice would usually only slightly irritate him, but he was already beyond irritated at the reason he had to leave in the first place. 

“No, it’s your damn mother.” He snapped, pulling his shoes on before grabbing his keys. “I don’t know how long she’ll hold me up, there’s food in the freezer, or you can grab my wallet out of my bag and order yourself something. Try to do some studying while I’m gone, please?” And without another word he was out the front door, slamming it behind him. 

What Chan didn’t know was that he had left his wallet at work on his studio desk, and you had gone into his studio before leaving to see if he was there but only found his wallet. He must have left the building without saying anything to you, and you wondered if maybe he was sick or something had happened back at his place. You were doing the right thing, at least that’s what you felt you were doing. You were just going to take his wallet home to him and check up on him. You didn’t mind that his house might be a little dirty, you completely understood that he was busy, you didn’t expect his house to be immaculate. 

You weren’t sure why you were so nervous to stand in front of his front door, but a chill ran through your body and you had to take a few breaths before even lifting your hand to knock. Once you did, you took a step back, listening to the locks being undone before the door opened. It wasn’t who you expected to see, it wasn’t Chan, it was a girl, she looked younger, at least 15 or 16. “Oh, I’m sorry. I must have read the address wrong.” You quickly apologized, bowing your head to the girl before turning away. 

“Who are you looking for?” The girl asked, and what you weren’t aware of was that she had seen Chans wallet in your hand, she knew that you had come to the right address, she was just playing a game that you didn’t know about. You quickly said his name, and she let out a soft hum. “He’s out right now. It’s date night for him and my mom.” You felt your stomach sink, deeper and deeper until it couldn’t go any further. “Is that his wallet? Thank you so much for bringing it, I’m sure he’ll be happy to know that you brought it back. Hopefully he’ll answer his phone so he can pick it up and pay the bill, you know?” 

You nodded slowly, the bile from your stomach rising into your throat. “Y-Yeah… Of course… H-Here you go.” You stammered, your hand shaking as you handed the wallet over to the girl. You knew she wasn’t lying, she looked so much like Chan it was uncanny. Why hadn’t he told you? What was he even doing with you? He had a wife, or at least a girlfriend or fiancee… He had a child… But he was going around with you? It was beginning to add up though… Why he always wanted to go over your house. Why he’d rather go to a hotel than to bring you to his own place. You felt absolutely sick. 

“Have a good night!” The girl chimed cheerfully as you made your way back to your car, the light from inside the house that had illuminated the front yard faded until you were covered in darkness. You were devastated, you were heartbroken… You had never felt more humiliated in your life and all you wanted to do was go crawl underneath a rock and hide there. 

///

The meeting with his ex wife the night before had stressed Chan out beyond belief. He couldn’t believe that after 8 years she wanted to fight for custody of Ella now. Her reasoning behind it would have been laughable if they hadn’t been so damn ridiculous. By the time he had gotten home though, Ella was already in bed and he was so tired from dealing with his ex that he had gone right to bed as well. By morning, Ella had already left for school, so he’d have to wait until he got off work and she got home from school to even talk to her about what her mother had said. 

Now, he was only looking forward to seeing you. You were the only person at this point who could calm him down and bring him some semblance of peace, at least for the short amount of time that he got to be with you. “Hey, lovely.” He called to you when he caught you walking down the hall. Usually you’d smile and wave, you’d even run over to him sometimes if the hall was empty. This time you just shook your head before lowering it and walking right by him. 

It was a shock to say the least, and his mind immediately jumped to the worst, although he couldn’t be 100% sure of what had happened that would cause you to be acting like this. Was it because of the hotel comment the day before? Was it because he wouldn’t let you come over to his house? It couldn’t be that though, he had talked to you about it. It had to be something more, but he couldn’t figure it out. You looked absolutely pissed, like you didn’t want anything to do with him. 

“Y/N!” He called out your name now, jogging down the hall to catch up with you, but you didn’t even look up at him, and you sure as hell didn’t slow down. In fact, it seemed like you sped up, like you were trying to get away from him. “Hey… What… What’s wrong? What happened? Are you okay?” He lowered his voice but quickened his steps to keep up with you, trying to duck down just enough to get a view of your face, but every time he got close enough you’d look away. 

“I don’t want to talk to you, I don’t want to see you. Whatever it was that you made me think we had, it’s over. I’d like it if you left me alone now.” You stated flatly, your arms tightening around the multitude of folders that you clutched to your chest. “I’m changing groups, I won’t be one of your staff anymore as well, so please, don’t bother me anymore.” 

Something had happened, and it wasn’t something that could easily be fixed like Chan thought. It was worse, way worse. You had basically fired yourself from being his group's staff because of whatever happened. “Hold on!” His fingers wrapped around your upper arm, stopping you from going any further. “So you’re just… Breaking up with me? You’re not even going to tell me why!?” His voice cracked as it rose in pitch, his chest rising and falling heavily as the panic fully set in. “I fucking love you, Y/N… You can’t just do this to me and not tell me why.” 

When you finally looked up, he could see your eyes were glistening, your bottom lashes bedazzled with twinkling tears that clung onto them. You were just as upset as he was. “Stop pretending, Christopher!” You croaked out, sniffling loudly once the words left your chapped lips. “I refuse to be the rebound chick that you think you can run to when your marriage is on the rocks. I won’t be strung along by you, not anymore.” You took a few deep, shaky breaths to compose yourself before you pulled your arm free of Chans hold. “Now, if you don’t mind… I have another group to meet. I have work to do. I do believe that you have some work to do as well.” You bowed your head to him before turning and walking away, leaving him more confused than he was before. 

His marriage… It had fallen apart years ago when he had come home to find his wife in bed with another man while his daughter was fast asleep in the room across the hall. It had been disgusting, heartbreaking, it would have been his downfall if not for his daughter and the moral, mental, and emotional support of the guys. He wasn’t sure why it was being brought up, he didn’t even know how you had found out, but that same feeling of devastation that he had felt 8 years ago was flooding him once again. 

The guys… They were the only ones who would be able to talk to you, they were the only ones who knew about the secret past that Chan was trying so hard to hide from you. Would they do something like that though? Would they hurt him like that? “Yo! What’s up?” Changbin said as he came up behind Chan, his arm draping over his shoulder. “You’re… crying? What happened?” The cheerful tone was immediately dropped, and even though Changbin was younger, he was in full protection mode. 

“Y/N… She… She broke up with me…. She knows about Sana…” He gasped out the words, each of them getting caught in his throat, it felt like he was choking. “Somebody told her… Someone… They had to have told her! Who!?” He was shouting now, his sadness turning to anger in a matter of seconds. The look of confusion of Changbins face was enough for Chan to know that he had no idea what Chan was talking about, and that in itself proved his innocence. That left 6 more guys to question. 

“Y-You know that none of us would do that to you… Why would we do that? You were happy!” Changbin quickly defended the others as well, seeing in Chans eyes that he was on the warpath and he wasn’t going to stop until he found out who had told you. “I… I do know she went to the studio last night after you left… She… She said something about your wallet but… Maybe she went to your house to drop it off and… and…-” 

“Ella…” Chan muttered out the name, a loud groan leaving him as his head fell back. “I have to go… Will you be okay? Can you run practice for me?” Now he was in a hurry, a hurry to get home, to talk to you… He had so many things he had to do, he didn’t even know where to begin. Changbin nodded his head, patting Chans shoulder before taking a step back. Truthfully, Chan didn’t know what the hell he was going to do… But he knew he had to do something. He wasn’t going to lose you… He couldn’t. 

///

“Sit. Now.” Chan said, not even giving his daughter time to fully come through the door before the words left his mouth. He had been sitting at the table, thinking over and over about how he’d go about bringing it up to her, but now that she was finally home, all of his thoughts had gone out the window and all he could feel was irritation. She rolled her eyes, dropping off her bag and kicking her shoes off like she did every day, heading in the direction of her bedroom. “Did you not hear me? I want to talk to you.” 

“About what?” She snapped, whipping around to face him. “About the lady that showed up on our front porch last night?” Chans eyes widened, he didn’t even have to drag it out of her, she wasn’t a liar… and for that, he was proud, he had at least taught her one good thing. “Did she dump you? Well good… You don’t deserve to be happy. Not after what you did to mom…” After… what he did…? He was stunned into silence, his head cocked to the side as he tried to think about what he could have possibly done to make him the bad guy in all of this. “She told me all about it, don’t try to act like you’re so innocent.” 

Those weren’t Ellas words, those were her mothers words and she was speaking them for her. “I tried so hard to protect your mother for some reason… So that you wouldn’t think badly of her… And this is what she does.” He mumbled, running his hand through his hair and sighing heavily. “Can you please sit? I really need to talk to you…” He stretched his legs under the table, pushing out the chair across from him and motioning to it with his head. He could see the reluctance, but she finally made her way over, dropping down into the chair, but not without an eye roll and a look of disgust. “I didn’t want to tell you the truth… I didn’t want you to see your mother as anything less than what she is… But I wasn’t the one who did anything. Your mother is the reason we’re divorced…” 

“You’re a liar… She said that you’d lie…” Ella mumbled, her arms crossing over her chest as she glared at her father. “Just like you lied to that lady. She didn’t even know I existed! You kept me a secret from her… Why? Are you embarrassed of me? Are you ashamed of me?” The sulky teenage attitude subsided, and he could see that she wasn’t just angry, she was upset. He never meant for it to be like this, he didn’t even think that something like this would happen. It’s not like he planned on keeping his daughter hidden forever… He just didn’t want to spring it all on you at the beginning of the relationship. 

“No! God, no… El… You are an amazing daughter, you’re smart and you’re funny… You’re the most wonderful thing I’ve ever created. I’m so proud of you…” He whispered, and he could see the tears beginning to form in her eyes. He should have told her these things a long time ago, maybe she wouldn’t be acting out, but it was too late, and now all he could do was try to fix things piece by piece. “I didn’t want to bring someone into your life unless I knew that it was serious… It’s one thing for me to be hurt… But I didn’t want you to potentially get close to her just for her to leave and hurt you too.” He swallowed thickly, taking a deep breath to prepare himself before continuing. “I divorced your mother… Because she cheated on me, Ella. Do you really think I would have gotten custody of you if it were the other way around? The man she married… That’s… That’s the guy… And they’re already divorced… And she’s already married again. She’s been married twice since the divorce, and I… I haven’t been with anyone until a couple months ago. Do you think that would be the case if I was the one who had screwed up?” He could see the gears turning in her mind as she thought about everything that he was saying, and he could see that it was all adding up. “Your mother wanted to meet up with me yesterday because she’s trying to get custody of you…” 

Ellas eyes widened and her head shook fast. “No… I don’t… I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to live with her, dad.” The words were rushed out, full fledged panic written across her features. “Don’t let her take me… I want to stay with you… I’m sorry… I’m sorry I told the lady that you were having date night with mom. I’m sorry that I ruined it… I’m sorry… Please don’t let her take me.” She was crying now, absolutely bawling, and it broke his heart to see his daughter so upset. 

He jumped out of his chair, running around to her side of the table and pulling her up into his arms. Right now, she wasn’t just a teenager with a bit of an attitude problem… She was his little girl, and he was going to protect her and he was going to keep her safe. He was going to fix everything, no matter what it took. “She’s not going to get you, she won’t win. You’re staying here with me… I promise.” 

///

“Have you gotten a hold of her?” Ella asked, dropping down onto the couch beside her father. It had been weeks since the last time he had spoken to you, but he had seen you in the halls at the building every single day. No matter how many times he tried to stop you and explain everything, you’d just keep walking like you didn’t know him at all. Ella could see that it was breaking him, and she knew that it was her fault. “I’m really sorry, dad…” She mumbled. 

Your picture was still his lockscreen, and every time a notification would pop up on his phone he would jump up, a single second of excitement and wishful thinking, only to be let down once he realized it was someone, anyone but you. “It’s okay… I’m gonna try to get some work done. Let me know when you get hungry, I’ll make us some dinner, yeah?” And she nodded slowly, waiting for Chan to get up and go into his little office before running to the front door and pulling on her shoes. If he wasn’t able to fix it, maybe she could. 

The walk to the building wasn’t too far, and she knew that, for the most part, whenever her father went into his office it was so he could cry in private. That usually lasted a couple hours, and she was sure that she wouldn’t need too much time. 

Everyone in the building knew her, they had heard so much about Chans daughter that she was looked at as an idol herself. They all welcomed her warmly, but she was on a mission. “Hi! Would you happen to know where an Y/L/N Y/N is? My dad sent me to make sure she got something.” She came up with it quickly, and no one seemed to question it either. They gave her the information just as fast and sent her on her way… It was far too easy… She’d have to talk to her dad about that. 

The ride up the elevator gave her enough time to think about what she would say, or at least a little bit of what she’d say. Truth be told, she was nervous. She wanted things to go well for her fathers sake, but she knew that the trouble she had caused and what she did could have irreversible damage. 

When the doors slid open, it was like fate had brought her here at this exact moment, because you were standing right outside the doors. “Oh… Uhm… I-I remember you…” You murmured, bowing your head to her before taking a step back. “I think you’re on the wrong floor though… Your father is a couple floors down.” 

Ella shook her head, stepping out of the elevator, trying to look like she wasn’t a nervous wreck standing in front of you. “I’m here to talk to you.” She said, her head held high just to exemplify the false feeling of confidence that she was trying to give off. “Are you busy?” 

“I’m very sorry if me being with your father created any problems. I’m not with him anymore though… And, with all due respect… I’m just trying to move on.” 

“That’s the problem though!” Ella blurted out as you moved past her and stepped into the elevator, turning around quickly on her heel to face you, her hand pressed against the elevator door to keep it from closing. “Him and my mother aren’t together… They haven’t been together for 8 years. I… I was upset because… I didn’t understand what happened… I didn’t know why my parents weren’t together and… My mom lied and… And I’m sorry. My dad really loves you… And he wanted me to meet you… And he’s been crying every night because I ruined your relationship because I lied just like my mom and I’m… I’m really sorry, ma’am…” 

She was once again crying, and you didn’t really know what to do, but it felt wrong to just stand there and watch her cry, so you hesitantly stepped out of the elevator and gave her the most awkward one armed hug. “It’s… It’s okay…” You murmured, and much to your surprise, she turned her body completely toward you and wrapped her arms around you. Whether there was a maternal bone in your body at all before this moment or not, you immediately felt the urge to comfort her, to make sure she was okay, to wipe her tears and tell her that everything would be fine. “Hey… Hey, let’s go to my office. We can get a drink and some tissues and then… I’ll take you home. Is that okay?” 

Ella nodded slowly, her face scrunched up and her bottom lip pushed out. She really did look like her father. “Will you talk to him?” She asked weakly, and as much as you hated him… Now that you knew the truth… It felt like the right thing to do, so you hummed in agreement to her question, leading her down the hall to your little office and pushing the door open for her. “Y-You know… You’re still his main picture on his phone. He’s waiting for you to text him or call him or something… He misses you so much.” 

You were sure that she didn’t mean to tell you so much, and you were very sure that Chan would be incredibly embarrassed if he found out that his daughter was telling you so much. “I’ll talk to him, I promise… Pinky promise.” You held out your hand, your pinky extended to her, and she quickly latched her finger around yours, a bittersweet smile tugging at her lips. 

“You are really pretty… He wasn’t lying… And you’re really nice too. I would be really mad at me if I were you…” She lowered her head, her entire body slouching forward as she sat in the chair across your desk. “Why aren’t you mad at me?” Her voice was below a whisper, her question genuine, and you didn’t really know how to answer it. 

“Well…” You began, your fingers drumming against your lap as you leaned back in your chair. “I don’t blame you for what you did… You’re a child and… And your parents divorced. I’m sure that any child would be upset if they found out either of their parents was dating someone else, especially if the kid doesn’t understand why their parents divorced in the first place. You were protected from the truth… But it made you do something that you regret. It’s still not your fault though, it’s no one's fault.” You reached across your desk, your hand faced up for her, and she slowly placed her hand in yours, the smile from earlier returning to her face, but this time it was just a little bigger and it reached her eyes. “Let’s go see your dad, yeah?” 

///

Chan had at some point cried himself to sleep while sitting in front of his computer, but the sound of a soft knock on the door had him jolting awake. “Dad?” Ellas voice came between the small crack in the door as she peeked inside, and he quickly wiped the sleep from his eyes as he got up from his chair, almost bringing his entire laptop with him since he forgot to take the headphones off. “I ordered dinner for us… It’s here.” She said between little giggles at the way he stumbled. It was nice to hear her laugh, he hadn’t heard it in a bit, not from anyone in the house. He wondered what had changed. 

“You didn’t have to do that, I would have cooked for us…” He said somberly, but he knew that she was doing it as a favor for him. He was a wreck, it was visibly noticeable that he hadn’t had more than a few hours of sleep in the past two weeks, he had bags under his eyes and his hair was a mess. He was a shell of the man that he once was when he had you, but he knew he had to get better, he wasn’t sure how he would do that, but it wasn’t fair to Ella to constantly be like this, it would only make her feel more guilty. “I’ll be right out… Thank you.” He said when she hovered in the doorway, and he watched her walk away. There was a bounce in her step, she hadn’t been this peppy in a while. He was genuinely curious and now he was rushing out of the little studio room so that he’d be able to sit down and talk to her, maybe he could find out what was going on. 

“I hope you don’t mind, I brought a friend over.” She said from the kitchen. He was adamant that he had never heard her bring up a friend, especially not one that would come over and visit. Was it a boy? She never mentioned liking anyone at school… Was she too scared to talk to him about those kinds of things? He made a mental note to sit down and talk to her about it one day this week. “Are you coming?” She called out and he hummed in agreement, trudging out of the little room with his head hung just a little. 

This wasn’t the first impression that he wanted one of his daughter's friends to have of him as her father. He wanted to look more respectable for the sake of Ellas reputation. It seemed like he didn’t really have a choice though, she was rushing him to come out, and he didn’t want to keep her and whoever she had over waiting. “I apologize, I wasn’t really told that you’d be coming over.” Chan began as he walked down the hall, and he completely froze when he saw just who his daughter had brought over. 

“I don’t think anyone really knew I was coming over.” You said lightly, the warmest smile spreading across your face as you looked at him. He couldn’t say anything, he couldn’t find words, all he could manage to do was open his mouth and croak out sounds as salty tears pricked his eyes. “Is it… okay… that I’m here?” You asked when the silence lasted longer than you thought it would, and he nodded his head fervently, wiping his eyes with the sleeves of his hoodie. 

“It’s… It’s more than okay… I just… I don’t know why… I don’t mind it though.” He rambled, looking between you and Ella who was currently setting the table for three people instead of the usual two. “You’re… staying for dinner?” He questioned, and you gave him that adorable, heart stopping smile that had stopped him in the halls of the building all of those months ago, the smile that had pushed him over the edge and made him fall for you in the beginning. 

“Yes she is.” Ella spoke up, clapping her hands together to get both of your attention. “Do you want me to eat in my room… So the two of you can talk? I’m sure you have a lot to talk about… I can leave you alone if you’d like.” But you shook your head, walking over to the table and playfully ruffling her hair before opening the takeout bag and pulling out the contents. 

“I’d like it a whole lot if you stayed and ate with us… But if you want to eat in your room… If your dad says it’s okay… Then you can.” You sounded so… sweet, the way a mother would talk to her own daughter, and the craziest part was that Ella smiled at you before taking a seat at the table, she actually listened to you… There was no attitude that came alone with it. “Are you just going to stand there and look at the food, or are you going to join us in eating it?” You asked, bringing Chan out of his own thoughts and back into the room. 

“Yeah… Yeah, I’m coming…” Chan whispered, walking into the dining room and taking his usual seat, but the aura at the table was a lot different now. It’s like the whole room had gotten 10 times brighter, and no matter which way he looked he was met with a warm smile. He had so many questions, but he knew that he had all the time in the world to ask them, and regardless of the answer… He knew that things would be better now, all of the pieces were falling back into place, and the picture was more beautiful than he had ever imagined it to be. 

~6 Months Later~

“You’re gonna absolutely crush this test, I know you will.” You stood at the stove, preparing breakfast as Ella sat at the table, her face buried in her text book to get as much last minute studying in before she had to go to school. “No matter what, I want you to remember that your dad and I are so proud of you and how hard you work. Okay? We love you.” Ella hummed softly, not even looking up from her book, but you could see that she was smiling, and that was enough of a response for you to know that she had heard you, that she was listening. You carefully placed her plate down beside her, lightly tapping the table to get her attention. “Please eat. Okay?” 

Chan ran out of the bedroom, his eyes barely even opened, his shirt wrinkled and twisted and his hair sticking up in all different directions. “Did she leave yet?!” He asked rather loudly, rubbing the sleep from his eyes and blinking a few times before focusing in on his daughter who was looking up at him, her shoulders shaking with silent laughter. “Don’t laugh, it’s not funny. I wanted to give you a hug before you left.” He pouted, and she quickly got up out of her chair, rushing over to Chan and wrapping her arms around him. “You’ll do great. I-” 

“No more speeches! You guys are going to make me cry!” Ella dramatically whined, pulling away from Chan and running back to the table to pack her things into her bag and then shoveling as much food into her mouth as she could before going to the front door. “Love you! I’ll see you later!” She mumbled with her mouth full of food, and before the two of you could say it back she was out the door. 

Once the door was shut, Chan walked over to you, his arms wrapping around your from behind as he rested his chin against your shoulder. “Hey…” He murmured, pressing a kiss to your cheek that was dampened by tears that you hadn’t even realized had begun to fall. “What’s wrong, lovey?” He cooed, gently turning you around to face him, his head cocked to the side. 

“I don’t know… I just… I’ve only been here for six months and… We’ve gotten so close and… She’ll be going off to college soon if that’s what she wants to do… But… I’m gonna miss her and the house is gonna be so empty and…” You pouted up at Chan who couldn’t help but find it adorable the way you were right now. It was the most heartwarming thing, to know that you loved his daughter so much already that you were crying at the thought of her leaving. 

“Well… We have the house to ourselves for a couple of hours… We could watch a movie or something to take your mind off of being sad… Or… We could go have some fun… Surprise Ella with a brother or a sister when she comes home from college…” Your eyes widened at the suggestion, but your feet were already moving in the direction of the bedroom, that all too familiar tingly feeling building in your stomach. “We can watch a movie when we’re done… If you’re not too tired.” 

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[strawbeerossi]

Take It

Pairing: Fem!Reader x Unsub!Spencer Reid

Description: Spencer has plans of keeping your night going. Now it’s your turn to make it up to him.

Content/Warnings: Gagging, hair pulling, oral (m rec), face fucking

Word Count: 1.1K

Kinktober Day Twenty Two: Face Fucking

Part two to Day Twenty

Navigation || Kinktober Masterlist || AO3

“Why don’t we keep this going, hmm?”

You were unsure of what to say as you let your mouth fall open at the mere idea. Were you really about to go on with his sick delusions and games? It was difficult to say no, your pussy aching for more after the starter course that Spencer had given to you.

You didn’t get to answer as he helped lift you, only offering a grin as he was nudging you to get on your knees for him. “There we go. See, you’re such a good girl when you follow directions. I bet you’re dying to see my cock, aren’t you?” You didn’t want to say that you were but your head was nodding anyway, going against your wishes.

“I knew you’d be a whore.” He smirked, hand now gripping tightly to your chin as he was making you look him in the eye. The normal pretty honey colored eyes were blown out with lust, every friendly aspect behind those eyes long gone. This was how he wanted you, exposed and on your knees. He’d deal with your shirt later but right now, he was happy to see you on your knees, pussy juices surely running down your thighs from your climax earlier as well as the slick from arousal your body was supplying you with. As his hands were working to get his pants pulled down, Spencer had them down to his ankles as he was working on his boxers as well. Your eyes were widening the minute your eyes caught sight of his cock as it smacked against his stomach. You could feel drool running from your mouth, causing the male above you to chuckle. “Come on, feel free to touch. Good girls deserve it.” He winked, watching as your hand was hesitantly gripping the hardened shaft, hand slowly dragging along with it as your eyes were focused on him.

He was beautiful, hooded over eyes fixated on you as he let one hand move to grip your hair. “Come on. Don’t leave me waiting. I didn’t do that to you, did I?” He asked, an eyebrow raising. No, he didn’t. So you were diving in, tongue swiping over the thick tip of his cock while collecting a few beads of precum that were slipping from his slit. “Fuck. That’s it.” He urged her to continue, prompting her to let her lips wrap around the tip of his cock now. You took her time as you massaged the skin with your tongue, cheeks hollowing as you were suckling and just trying to enjoy your time while savoring the cock in you mouth.

Spencer wasn’t having that though.

Without warning, your head was pushing shoved down onto his cock, your hands quickly gripping his thighs for support as you gagged around the shaft in your mouth, not even fully taking him and already you were choking. He didn’t show you much courtesy, pulling you off briefly to let you breathe, watching the spit from his cock connect with your mouth from a long line of saliva. “Picture perfect. Fuck.” He growled, which wasn’t something you’d expected.

However, you weren’t given much time to say anything before you were shoved down on his cock again. This time though, he wasn’t as kind as he kept your head in place. “Come on. You can take it. I know you can. Breathe out of your nose.” He murmured, which you’d complied with that much, using your nose to breathe and try to relax your throat as his hand was using your hair to guide your movements.

As your head bobbed along his cock, your eyes were closing as your tongue was flat on the underside, tracing a vein stretching the throbbing shaft as he was using you as if you were a human fleshlight. His foot had moved between your thighs, chuckling. “Rub that needy cunt on my shoe, I can tell your clenching your thighs together.” He chuckled, lifting his foot up to bump against your clit as the electricity shot through your body.

While his cock was making a brutal assault on your throat, you were reduced to gags and whimpers as your hips rocked against the boots he had on. You were soaked and desperate for anything. However you knew that you had to play his game now. That’s the only way to get what you want in the end. “Fuck. How does it feel to be used? I bet you love it, don’t you? Choking on my cock gets that pretty pussy soaked, didn’t take you for a girl who likes to be roughed up but I’ll take what I can get for sure.” He chuckled darkly, watching as his cock disappeared down your throat as he was shoving your head down more.

At this point, your nose was brushing against his pubic bone as you were tearing up from having to swallow his full shaft, something you didn’t think was possible. It was pitiful how much you enjoyed this, how much you relished in the attention of a man who made it known he’d been stalking you. You should’ve called the police but instead you were sucking his cock while he was roughly thrusting into your mouth, surely bruising your throat in the process. There were no hopes of you being able to talk in a clear voice after this.

“I’m gonna cum.” Spencer’s breathing was shaky, his thrusts in your mouth growing sloppy as he was roughly tugging on your hair to elicit a moan to fall from your lips as your were digging into his shoe even more now, letting the laces of the boot rub against your desperate clit as your slick was coating the shoe. You were meeting his thrusts the best you could as you were bobbing your head, your goal to bring him to climax.

It wasn’t long until you were nearly choking as he was shooting his cum down your throat without warning, his hand shoving your head down more as he was emptying his heavy balls into your mouth and making you swallow everything. The warm cum had your body shivering, his foot eventually moving from between your legs and leaving you desperate as he pulled his cock out of your mouth.

“I can see why your ex came around a lot. Best throat and pussy I’ve ever came across. Can’t believe you’re all mine.” He sighed in content while resting his hand against your cheek. “Get up off the floor sweetness.” He instructed, making you quickly follow his orders. However, your heart shattered when he kissed your forehead. “I have to get going for the rest of the night. Heard my phone going off like crazy earlier, which means there’s a case.”

“You better be ready for me when I get back though. Cause I promise that pussy is mine and I intend on making it well known.”

[cerealforkart]

Announcements and Updates

I already mentioned this with my anniversary comic this morning (I'm glad people seemed to like "it's back on air"), but Dungeons and Daddies the Manga is a whole year old today and I wanted to talk about a couple things!

For starters, thank you to everyone who's been on this journey with me, from those of you who have been here since lesson 1 to those of you who only just discovered lesson 42 yesterday (you probably don't exist because the tags hated lesson 42). Whether you like or reblog every single lesson, you silently read the updates without ever interacting with them, and even if you fell out of the fandom but you read the manga at some point, I appreciate you all so deeply.

I might be making this a bigger deal than it actually is, but Dungeons and Daddies the Manga is a really special project to me. I'm so proud of my growth and I've put a genuinely crazy amount of time and effort into this. There was a time when I was trying to catch up when this was basically a second job. I would come home from work and draw manga pages until I went to sleep, it was all I did, it probably wasn't healthy tbh. People in the discord know, I've gotten crazy efficient at making these, if I don't have anything else going on, I can pump out 2-3 of these a day when new episodes drop. I've never undertaken a project this big before, I'm more the kind of person with a million abandoned first chapters, so to actually still be keeping up with this is huge for me, so I'm hyping this up a little bit.

If anyone has ever thought, "wow, I would love to support cereal financially! They seem to work very hard and would probably really like some money! I would also love some of cereal's cute art to plaster on my belongings," please keep your eyes open, I'll be dropping stickers in near future (Taylor in the trash can will be one of them)! I meant to have them ready for today, but I've never sold anything online before, and I'm kind of stumbling through the process. I'll try to have them up soon! So keep an eye out in the upcoming weeks.

For those of you who only care about Dungeons and Daddies the Manga, you can stop reading here, thank you so much for enjoying my manga this past year! For anyone interested in some personal updates and projects, please keep reading, I've been working on something I'm finally ready to announce.

I've learned a lot from my work on Dungeons and Daddies the Manga. My art has improved a lot, and it's still improving all the time, and I've really come to love making comics. Which is why maybe it won't be so surprising to learn I've decided to start an original webcomic. This webcomic won't interfere with my work on the manga, no need to worry, but as much as I love the manga, and the DnDads community, there's only so much I feel like I get back from it. I've been pouring so much time, energy, and love into Dungeons and Daddies the Manga over the past year, and I'm so proud of my product, but I want to start putting some of all that into something that's actually mine. I've been through a weird past couple of months where I went through some really bad burnout, looked around my life and realized "oh wow, this ALL sucks! I don't like a single thing I have going on here!" So, I quit my job, moved, and while I've been restructuring my life, I started dusting off some of those old abandoned first chapters I mentioned earlier and getting back into original work.

The webcomic is called The Rotting Things, I've teased it a very little bit here and there. It's about a boy with a power that is slowly but surely killing him and a man said to be unable to die trying to maneuver through a world of magic that hates anyone unlucky enough to be able to wield it.

I'm kind of nervous about starting a webcomic, but I've been waiting to be "good enough" to put something out there for a very long time, and I'm trying to come to terms with the fact I'll never be fully happy with my own work and just diving in. It would mean a lot to me if anyone wanted to give it a chance.

An eight page prologue will be dropping next Friday, September 29th, after which pages will start to drop one at a time every Friday. We'll see how I handle the one update a week schedule, it might go up to two pages a week depending on how confident I feel. Just like the manga was, this will be a learning curve for me, but I'm eager to try it out! Please give it a shot!

[shxtodxroki]

Match-Up Exchange

These are some match-ups done for @r0s3s26 as part of a match-up exchange we agreed to! Hi hi, thank you again for not only suggesting this exchange, but also for being so friendly and patient with me throughout it all :> You seem like a lovely person and I really enjoyed interacting with you! I really hope you enjoy your match-ups, and if you ever wanna pop by my blog again with a request or just to chat I’d be more than happy to hear from you! :D

For Haikyuu, I’d Match You With:

Tetsurou Kuroo! :)

Reasoning:

I went through several possible matches when reading your description of yourself, but especially when I read what you look for in a partner, I decided that Kuroo would be the best match overall! He meets all the qualities you look for in a partner, and I think you’d be exactly the kind of partner he’d adore in return. Y’all just make the perfect pairing, you match so well together <3

Headcanons About Your Relationship:

- For starters, Kuroo is absolutely the kind of partner who easily accommodates your social wants and needs. He’s a super friendly, sociable guy, so whenever you wanna go out together or with others he’s more than happy to accompany you and have a good time! But he also understands that when your social battery is running low, sometimes you just wanna go home and be able to relax after a day of socializing, so when you reach that point he’s happy to walk you home and give you a break from all the overstimulation 

- You also will never be the “odd one out” in any group as long as you’re with this man. He absolutely adores you, so whenever he’s out with you (especially the first few times he brings you to meet his friends/teammates, since he knows it can feel awkward meeting a new group of people all at once) he’s sure to include you and make you feel welcome. And his friends instantly take a liking to you, too, so as long as you’re with Kuroo rest assured that you’ll always be welcomed with open arms into any group he’s involved with :>

- When you get fired up about something you care about, he always loves seeing your passion and getting to hear you talk about the things you find important. He’s very good at providing a listening ear and giving you a space to get out those thoughts and feelings, everything you say is important to him so he’s always willing to listen if you have something you want to say

- When it comes to your gift-giving as a love language, he can always see the effort you put in whenever you give him gifts tailored specifically to him, and he makes a point to tell you how much he appreciates the gift and uses whatever you’ve gifted him frequently to show his appreciation as well. He finds it sweet how you enjoy giving gifts to those you love, so he’s sure to make you feel appreciated and recognized for the effort you put in <3

- And he’s SUCH a cuddly guy, too. Like, if you’re not into PDA or not in the mood for physical affection at any given time he’d respect you without question of course. But as long as you’re open to it, he’s always got one or both arms around you or is holding your hand in his, and he loves coming up and resting his head on top of yours as well <3 He does it partly to show you off and brag to everyone about how you’re his partner and no one else’s, but also just because he loves showing you how much you mean to him and how much he adores you, so he’s always super touchy and cuddly with you :D

- Kuroo had never heard of Dress to Impress before he saw you playing it, but once he saw you playing it he thought it sounded interesting and asked if you would teach him. It’s a bit of a learning curve for him to get over at first, since he’s never really played Roblox at all before, but once he learns how to play he gets so invested and loves playing with you! And he always gets so annoyed when he makes a reference that’s on theme and then doesn’t end up on the podium because no one gets his references lol, he’ll complain and whine to you about it all day and say that “No one votes fairly on this game >:[“ (But the second you give him some cuddles or play with his hair he forgets all about his loss lol)

- And in general he finds your interest in fashion so fun and endearing! I think he could be pretty decent at putting together a nice outfit if he felt like it and has ample time to do so, so when he feels like dressing up the two of you like to take OOTD pics (either to post or just to have, up to you) together because y’all just look like such an aesthetic couple together 

- He’s such a big supporter of all your dreams, so of course he fully supports your goal to become a fashion designer. He’ll listen to anything you have to say about it and help you with any school/work he can, even if that’s just being a model for you to work off of. And through Daichi, he even gets you in contact with Asahi (since he also ends up as a designer), since he wants you to feel supported and to have a supportive network in your goal :)

- Kuroo may be a fun, silly guy, but he’s also incredibly perceptive and can tell when you’re having an off day or when you’re feeling insecure and need a bit of reassurance. And he’s the kind of person who’s amazing at that kind of thing, he’s not afraid to be sappy and emotional with his words in order to show you his love and make you see how precious and important you are in his life <3

- Kuroo thinks you’re so, so gorgeous as well. He says it all the time, he often calls you “gorgeous” or “stunning” as a petname, and he means it every single time. He adores your fashion, loves your hair in every different style you use, he just thinks every single part of you is perfect and he doesn’t hesitate to tell you (and everyone else) that any chance he gets

- Bonus: Kuroo thinks you look SO GOOD in your glasses. Obviously he thinks you’re stunning all the time, but something about you wearing either of your pairs of glasses just has him shamelessly staring at you all day, and being a little more cuddly and affectionate with you because he thinks they make you look amazing hehe

Second Choice:

Like I said, I honestly had several possibilities in mind initially when deciding your match-up. Oikawa, Akaashi and Sugawara were all options in my mind, and I think that each of them could have been good matches with you in different ways. But Kuroo stood out the strongest and I just felt that out of all these options the two of you would enjoy one another’s company the most, which is why I eventually settled on Kuroo :>

Song For Your Relationship:

She Looks So Perfect by 5 Seconds of Summer <3

For JJK, I’d Match You With:

Choso Kamo! :)

Reasoning:

Honestly this match-up was a much quicker decision lol while reading your description of yourself Choso immediately stood out to me as a possibility for your match, and the more I read the more I thought the two of you would make an absolutely adorable pair! He’s pretty much everything you want in a partner and the kind of boyfriend who would absolutely adore everything about you, I just think the two of you would make an incredibly cute couple :]

Headcanons About Your Relationship:

- Omg okay first of all Choso LOVES how you style your hair! He thinks you’re just gorgeous all around but he’s especially in love with your hair, whether it’s in box braids, twists, or just has some cute clips in it :> In fact I think he’d like to borrow your clips and wear them if you’d let him, it makes him feel closer to him and he likes the way they look on him :)

- And on that note, Choso would honestly adore if you would style his hair for him :> Take it out of his little ponytails and brush it out, maybe add a clip or two, honestly you could do whatever you wanted and he wouldn’t complain. He’s big on physical affection just like you, and the feeling of you combing through his hair is just so gentle and intimate that it still makes him feel butterflies even after he’s been with you for years hehe :>

- And omg if you think he adores your style just wait to see how starry-eyed he gets when he sees your beautiful make-up <3 If I haven’t made it clear yet, Choso finds you absolutely perfect inside and out, and in every way possible. This includes your makeup, he finds the looks you create so gorgeous and creative. If you’re comfortable with it, I’m sure he’d take photos of you all the time and chance his lockscreen to a new photo of you at least once a week, both to show everyone he’s taken and just so he can admire your stunning face wherever he goes :>

- Choso’s also the perfect partner for you given he understands your social battery completely. Whenever you're excited and filled with energy, it makes him excited too and it’s really easy for him to match your energy and enjoy his time with you. But when he can see you winding down, he’s always more than happy to head home and give you some time to yourself or just some cuddles from him without needing to talk or socialize, whichever you’d prefer :)

- He loves how artsy you are in all kinds of ways! He thinks it’s so admirable and loves to see how you express your creativity through all different kinds of outlets as he supports you along the way. He fully supports your dreams of being a fashion designer, he’s truly so fascinated with the outfits you can style and your fashion sense. And he also adores watching you draw/paint if you let him, he loves how expressive you are and always compliments your work. 

- (And he won’t say it because he doesn’t want to pressure you, but if you ever give him a drawing or painting you made for him as a gift, it would be his favorite thing in the world. He absolutely loves owning something made by you, it makes his heart swell whenever he looks at it <3 He’d keep it hung up above his bed so he always has a reminder of you, and so he can brag about how talented his partner is whenever someone comes over)

- Choso’s an incredibly honest partner, he hates lying to you even over small things. When it comes to the things he values more than anything in the world (which would be you and his brothers) he just hates keeping secrets or doing anything that has the chance to hurt you, so he’s incredibly open and honest with you always <3 Lying isn't something you'd ever need to worry about with him as your boyfriend

- Once you’ve told him about your anemia, he’s always watching out for you and keeping a close eye out for any signs that you might be feeling dizzy or unwell. He’d definitely try and see if there’s any way his blood manipulation could be used to help you, but even if not, he’s quick to give you a bottle of water (because he always carries one around for you) and sit down with you if you feel dizzy and need a moment

- Choso would definitely love taking you on picnics! He’s not opposed to going out in public to a mall or something together, if that’s what you’re in the mood for he’d happily take you. But his favorite dates are definitely picnic dates, because he gets your undivided attention and the two of you can enjoy a nice little meal and just relax together without any other distractions for a while :] Plus the two of you can cook and plan a nice meal for the picnic together beforehand, he always loves eating anything you’ve cooked or baked and he really enjoys cooking for you or baking with you as well :>

- And while he can occasionally be a bit awkward or shy expressing himself through words (only because he’s worried he’ll say something wrong), the second Choso realizes you’re feeling insecure, he’s quick to pull you in and cuddle you close (if that’s something you’re comfortable with) and tell you how much he adores you. He could reassure you endlessly, you’re his favorite thing to talk about so never feel bad coming to him when you’re feeling insecure because he’s more than happy to praise you endlessly

Second Choice:

I briefly considered pairing you with Satoru, because I think he’d also be really interested in you and could meet a lot of the qualities you look for. You two could definitely be close, but he’s not always the best at reigning in his energy when others need some peace and quiet, so I figured Choso would be a better pick overall :>

Song For Your Relationship:

This is going to sound so incredibly cheesy but A Thousand Years by Christina Perri <3

[mischief-and-tea-by-the-sea]

🌿 💞🕯️💌

🌿how does creating make you feel?

Alive. Powerful (in some ways). Really good about myself because I'm utilizing my imagination and creativity and all of those things I learned and worked toward in my writing classes/degree. I feel really good about myself when I'm writing - like I'm fulfilling part of what I'm in this particular life for, which is storytelling.

💞what's the most important part of a story for you? the plot, the characters, the worldbuilding, the technical stuff (grammar etc), the figurative language

The characters are definitely the most important thing, I think. I like to get their voices right - their voice, mannerisms, their expressions, the specific tone and lilt of their voices. Everything else - the plot, the worldbuilding, the settings - those are secondary to the characters. The plot (or scenario, if it's not something huge that requires a full-out PLOT) drives the characters, but I mean, the plot can change from story to story, so it's really still mostly about the character. I'd be lying if I said the technical stuff wasn't a top important thing - I'm an English/writing major, and all those grammar and spelling and punctuation things are hella important to me. Those keep me honest and make me slow down and pay attention to how I'm writing. Figurative language fits in with that, too, though, because it's all the stuff I absorbed in trying to become a better writer, either by reading or by what my awesome professors passed along to me.

🕯️was there a fic that was really hard on you to write, or took you to a place you didn't think it would take you?

I just answered this one here!

💌share something with us about an up-and-coming work (WIP) that has you excited!

From Too weird to live, too rare to die, a prompt fic for @kleenexwoman that is a Justin Hammer/Loki (in canon, post-Endgame, everyone lives) bonkers fic:

-------

Still humping the American Dream

Tony closed his eyes, pinched the bridge of his nose between the thumb and index finger of his left hand.  He took five deep breaths.  Counted to twenty.  Took five more.  Counted to ten.  He opened his eyes, the right one pale amber and couldn’t see nearly as well after his snap that ended the war with Thanos. 

Justin still stood in front of him, hands defiantly on his hips, watching him. 

“Anthony, I’m not here to just take up space and piss people off,” Justin said in that affable tone that still managed to dig underneath Tony’s skin and threaten to give him hives. 

“And yet you do that so well, Justin,” Tony snarked as he felt the threat behind his eyes indicating a headache was imminent.  He winced at the harshness of his tone, even with this pain in the ass he never expected to see again, much less share a living space with him. 

Still, they’d made peace with Loki when he returned with Thor and Bruce to help them handle Thanos, and as it turned out, the guy wasn’t so bad in the long run.  Tony liked his sass and sense of humor – always had – and he was pretty handy to have around. 

Perhaps he could make himself get used to Justin Hammer, too.  The guy wasn’t dumb, and since they’d released him early for good behavior and some other reason Tony had already forgotten for the moment, he’d dropped some of that pretentious peacocking that paralleled Tony’s own, which to be fair, he’d been happy to mostly give it up since it got tiresome after a while. 

“Who?  C’mon, Tony, I’m a big boy.  I can take it.  You can tell me who else I’m pissing off besides you,” Justin cajoled, his big grin stretching across the angles of his face.  He’d been trying, but Justin wasn’t stupid; he knew he’d fucked up by trusting the wrong guy.  Didn’t help that he kept trying to compete with a guy known for his genius and his ability to stare any problem in the face, punch it once with his intellect and creations, and boom, no more problem. 

“Pepper for starters,” Tony blurted out, “though she doesn’t live here, and she’s kind of gotten over the idea of you being around Morgan since the kid actually likes you and trusts you.” 

The expression on Justin’s face burst with a sappy fondness he used to reserve for his nephew alone, and he schooled it quickly when Tony had to dial back that initial Papa Bear concern that his kid was around several former villains these days.  Respectfully, he tried to look serious, to take Tony’s comments seriously. 

“To be fair, your kid’s awesome and one day’s gonna run circles around us to make the world a better place,” his words came out clear and heartfelt, and Justin thought he noticed that Papa Bear pride seeping into Tony’s features. 

Note to self, praise that adorable little big-eyed bunny, and that’ll keep Stark from wanting to shoot your nuts off.

“Yeah well.  That’s the truth of it.  Oh and Nat’s still keeping an eye on you.  Everyone else...you’re a somewhat clean slate with.  Not like you’re the only former bad guy in residence,” Tony remarked and went back to what he’d been working on when Justin wandered into the kitchen, namely working on agility and firm (but not too firm) grip with his new arm by making and rolling out pie dough. 

“You want some help?” Justin asked when it seemed like Tony was having trouble with one of the cookie cutters he was using to cut out star shapes (to go with the crescent moons).  He held up both hands when Tony just tossed a glare his way.  “No problem.  Just...offerin’.  As for Natasha, eh.  Sam mentioned it took her a little bit to warm up to Loki, too, so I’ll just...be patient.” 

Justin was in no rush to be liked, and he really didn’t expect to be.  It wasn’t even that he was being a martyr or self-deprecating or living on his low self-esteem.  The prison counselor got him to see where he’d fucked up way before he’d actually chained his personality to impressing the military and broke Anton Venko out of custody. 

Piece of shit and his dumb fucking bird.

------

Thank you for the asks!

Let's Get ((REAL)) fic writer asks

[m-jelly]

Unlikely familiar - Chapter 7

Pairing: God Levi x Fem!Reader

Genre and tags: Magic/royal AU, fluff, romance, soulmates, falling in love, God Levi, wizard Hange, witch reader

Concept: You investigate the library and make a new friend. You talk to your old friend Erwin and get an update on his life along with working together. You create a staff with Levi's help and use your powers. Your powers are so strong that you discover some exciting news.

AO3 link

Part 8

You stared at the bookcase and whined. “This is massive.”

Levi nuzzled his cat head against your cheek. “You’ll find what you need.”

You pouted. “I wish you weren’t a cat. I want to kiss and cuddle.”

“You’re adorable, my love.”

You let out a long sigh. “This is going to take so long and I doubt we’ll find anything useful.”

“Have faith, my love. You’re stronger than you think. You have come this far for me.”

You looked into Levi’s cat eyes and hummed. “You’re right.” You huffed a sigh. “I can do this.”

You walked with Levi lying over your shoulders as a cat. You searched the bottom floor for any books to do with Levi’s people and the land but found nothing. Eventually, you moved upstairs where Hange was running around. You started from one end and she went from the other. You selected a few books before making your way to a little study table and began reading with the summer sun filtering through the windows as your light.

You leaned your cheek on your hand as Levi curled up and lay in the sunlight on the desk. You smiled softly at him sleeping in the sun. “Cute.”

Levi opened his eyes. “I’m not cute.”

You hummed a laugh. “You are.” You reached over and massaged his ears. “I’m sorry it’s taking so long for me to find the truth.”

He nuzzled your hand. “Do not be sorry, okay? I can’t believe you and Hange want to discover what happened and let the world know. I would be happy to just live together on the land.”

You fiddled with your hands. “Is me doing this bad?”

“What do you mean?”

You welled up. “You never asked for me to do this and I’m just going around digging up the past and looking closer. I have no right to do this. I’m just opening up your old wounds. I don’t need to do all this. Ever since I started pushing for this a curse got a hold of you and you had to run. I feel like I’m being selfish. Maybe we should just pack up and go home.”

Levi placed his paw on your hand. “I’m happy you’re doing this. You’re right, I never asked you to do this for me but I’m overjoyed. You love me so much that you want to clear my name. If it weren’t for you, I would just leave it be and have people hate me for eternity, but you want people to know the truth and that the real bad guys are out there. This could be a lot deeper than we think. People need to know the truth. For starters, those mages of light and nothing but liars.”

You leaned your cheek on your hand. “Our powers come from a God’s blessing. What God blessed them?”

“Who do you think?”

You stared at him and realised something so simple. “That woman.”

He stretched and meowed. “She gave them power just like I gave people power.”

“Is mine from you?”

He sat and placed his paws on his tail. “Indeed. Hange is a mix between my power and another God’s. Your friend Erwin you mentioned with elemental magic is gifted with another God’s power.”

You pouted a little. “If we were to stop her, would that mean all mages of light will lose their power?”

He stared at you for a while. “Possibly.”

You sat back in your chair. “I kind of feel bad for that. I’m taking something away from people who haven’t hurt a single person because their God is wicked and a liar. It’s not their fault.”

“You’re right, it’s not but there are consequences to people’s actions and unfortunately she got many people involved.” He walked up to you and nuzzled your cheek. “Don’t worry though, I won’t leave them powerless. I and other gods will give them blessings of power.”

“Just goes to show the mess she’s made. Where is she anyway?”

“I don’t know.” He walked over to the window. “If I knew I would have killed her.”

You leaned your cheek on your hand. “I’m glad you didn’t.”

He looked over at you. “Me too. I would have become a dragon if I did.” He jumped onto your lap and nuzzled your breasts. “I have full faith in you and your friends.”

You fussed Levi’s head and carried on reading your books and making notes. You learned a lot about Levi’s land and the lore of the Gods. Many Gods had plots of land or countries dedicated to them. The gods would take care of their own people and in return bestow power onto the people. All gods lived with their people and many had relations and children as a result. It was all balanced, beautiful and perfect until the gods started turning or dying. There was no real explanation in your books as to why it started happening, but you were pretty sure it was due to this woman who cursed Levi.

You jumped when a book was slammed in front of you. “Hange!”

Hange grinned at you. “I’ve found her!”

You stared at the book to see a woman with hair as red as fire and eyes as blue as the ocean. “Levi?”

Levi placed his paws on the table and looked. “That’s her.” He hissed. “Evil woman.”

You massaged your fingers into Levi’s chest to soothe him. “What does it say?”

Hange sat down and sighed. “It just says she was a young god who was told she was a gift. They pushed her to be above other gods when it comes to her power and control. People made her sound more important than she was and she believed it.” Hange shook her head. “Gods started dying or becoming dragons after she started gaining power. She is the God of this land where the city is.” Hange tapped her finger on the table. “This is her land.”

You hugged Levi. “So, what do we do now?”

Hange frowned. “What do you mean?”

“Well, it’s clear that she became consumed by the idea of power and the need for it. So, as a result, she started trying to gain more power and become the only god there is. However, a lot of gods were attached to their people as if they were family. So, she got rid of them the best way she knew how. She cursed gods, killed gods and even got people to kill their followers.”

Hange hummed as she thought. “We need evidence of this.” She drummed her fingers on the table. “We need a confession or a copy of the orders she made about this all.”

Levi nuzzled against you. “That’ll be hard. Her followers are incredibly delusional and loyal.”

You kissed the top of Levi’s head. “We’ll need some help.”

Hange grinned. “Erwin.”

You stood up and adjusted Levi in your arms. “Bring the book. He’ll want to see.”

Hange hugged the book to her chest. “Stealing a book from the King? Exciting!”

You opened your side bag. “Put it in here with my magic books.”

Hange shoved it in. “Perfect!”

You walked with Hange to the doors and found the King ready to enter. “Good afternoon, your majesty.”

Rolf smiled a little. “Hello. Did you have fun in my library?”

“We did. We’re just about to take a trip into the city.”

“That so? I could accompany you.”

Hange grinned. “We’re okay! It’s just a trip to meet an old friend and then we’re coming right back.”

Rolf eyed you and then your cat. “You want to avoid me in my own home?”

You smiled softly at the King. “Your humour is very dry but good.”

Rolf smirked. “You got that from the way I spoke?”

You nodded and adjusted Levi. “Yes.” You kissed the top of Levi’s head. “My fiancé has a dry humour and I like it.”

“You’re engaged? Heimdall told me that he was trying to marry you, so it seems like he messed up. You are already with someone.”

You nodded. “Happily. I will be marrying him and having children.”

Rolf chuckled. “What a strange man Heimdall is.” He shook his head. “I never cared much for the mages of light. I suppose he’s trying to be desperate and hold onto this whole magic thing with his people being greater due to a god’s blessing.” He wrinkled his nose. “I don’t like this god. The woman with hair of fire. I read this book about her and she seemed like a selfish god.” He looked disgusted. “I have suspicions about her.”

You gazed at Rolf. “What god do you follow?”

He opened his hand to show you magic like yours swirling in his hand. “I follow a god that was accused of wickedness.”

You gasped at his magic that looked just like your own. “Your magic…”

He chuckled. “I use a conduit to help me. It used to be a book, but now I use the stones in my cufflinks.”

You placed Levi down and inspected Rolf’s cufflinks. You welled up before looking into Rolf’s eyes. “I’m not alone. Can you fly?”

“I can.”

You smiled through your tears. “You’re like me!”

Rolf tilted his head and looked at the bracelet you had and the ring. “These stones…” He frowned. “Levi. Levi is my God.” He pulled out a book and opened it to show you full of old rune writing. “This was passed down to me by my family. They spoke of stories of a wronged God that was cursed for simply wanting to protect his people. He was locked away after coming across some of his people who had been slaughtered by a leader of the mages of light and his so-called god.”

Levi turned into his normal form and yanked Rolf into the library. He shoved the king against the wall and glared. “Are you really from my people?”

Rolf’s eyes widened. “My god, my dear god Levi.” He dropped to his knees. “You awoke! How? I thought you were lost to us.” He gasped. “The prophecy! You found your soulmate?”

Levi blushed. “Yes.”

Rolf looked over at you and stood. “I can understand it. You are a vision. Thank you for freeing our God.”

Levi placed his hand on Rolf’s chest. “His soul…it holds no lies.” He smiled a little. “And I can read his powers. He is a descendent of one of my people.”

You fumbled a little with your bag and pulled out the book you were trying to steal. “This book. Is this the one you read?”

Rolf nodded. “Yes. I’ve been searching for the truth, but I’ve only been king for a short time.” He took the book from you and looked sad. “I just want justice. My ancestor’s people were almost wiped out because of this evil woman. I want justice.”

“That’s what I want!”

He smiled at you. “Really? That’s amazing! We’ll work together! Is your friend you’re going to meet wanting to help too?”

You nodded. “Yes.”

“May I go with you?”

Hange leaned in. “I hate to break it to you, but we can’t go running around with the King.”

Rolf clapped his hands together. “I will wear a disguise! Please let me go! I want to help.”

Levi hummed in thought. “I can help him.” He clicked his fingers so Rolf looked different. “Let’s go.”

You gazed up at the home in the middle of the forest. You had thought Erwin was in the city, but he wasn’t. You’d spent a few hours journey to his home. You were excited to see your old friend, but at the same time, you were nervous. Erwin had done so much for you to escape and now you were right back where you’d started. You felt like you’d let him down a little.

Levi held your hand tightly. “Are you okay?”

You kissed Levi’s shoulder. “Yes.”

“You can talk to me.”

You sighed as you snuggled up to him in the carriage. “I just…well…I’m worried about Erwin. I feel like he might be shocked at finding out that I’m here. I ran away with his help and yet here I am.”

Levi bit your neck. “No.”

You flinched. “Ow. Why did you bite me?”

“Because you’re thinking bad things and you’re thinking of another man.” He nuzzled the crook of your neck. “You’re mine.”

You hummed a laugh. “I am yours, yes, but I’m just saying that he’s a dear friend of mine and he helped me escape a toxic relationship. He helped me live this life. If it weren’t for Erwin, we wouldn’t be together.”

Levi sighed a little. “You’re right. I would like to thank him.”

You kissed Levi’s cheek before getting out of your carriage and approaching the home. “Erwin?”

The door opened allowing the tall blonde to step out. He smiled softly when he recognised you. He called your name. “Good to see you.”

“You too.” Your eyes lit up when you saw a little girl stumble out of his home. You were surprised to see a girl just over one walking out. She was as cute as a button and looked like her daddy. “Oh, hello! I guess a lot happened in the two years I’ve been gone.”

Erwin scooped her up. “Lilly! Careful where you go.” He chuckled. “Sorry. She likes to run out of the house and get outside like her mother.”

“Mother?” You gazed at a woman hurrying out in a sweet dress and thigh-highs. You smiled at her dark hair framing her face and curvy figure. “She’s beautiful, Erwin.”

Erwin smiled as his wife hurried over. “She sure is. Hello, darling kitten.” He kissed her and hummed. “Kat, this is my friend I told you about.”

Kat beamed a bright smile. “Hi, hello, I’m Kat and Erwin’s wife. This little terror is our daughter, Lilly.”

You giggled. “She’s so cute. I’m happy that Erwin managed to escape and find love.”

“We escaped together. I was studying with him because our magic is similar and we weren’t accepted. After he helped you leave, he told me how he felt and I confessed too. We ran after that and haven’t looked back.”

You tickled Lilly’s cheek. “Your daughter is beautiful.”

“Thank you.” She waved you closer. “Come on in, all of you. Our home is big and cosy.”

You moved inside and found a seat. “I love how warm it is.”

“Thanks. I’ll get you all tea.”

Erwin carried his daughter and put her in a little chair and handed her some toys. “Wait there, my little flower.” He sighed and welcomed Hange, Levi and Rolf into his home. “I’m guessing this is about you escaping?”

You shook your head. “No, it’s about him.”

Erwin stared at Levi. “And who is he?”

Levi sighed. “I am a God. I am Levi.”

Erwin’s eyes widened. “The cursed God. I can’t believe you’re in my home and with my dear friend.” Erwin looked over at you. “You’re the soulmate in the prophecy?”

You blushed and nodded in response. “Yeah.”

Erwin sat down. “Huh…”

Hange grinned. “If you think that’s weird, the guy here in disguise is Rolf the King! He’s linked to Levi’s dead people!”

Rolf offered his hand. “Lovely to meet you.”

Erwin shook Rolf’s hand. “You…too…Wait, I am confused about what is going on.”

Rolf handed the book over. “Be careful not to describe her or say her name.”

Erwin frowned. “Why?”

Kat sat next to Erwin and looked at the book. “Is she bad?”

Levi gulped hard. “She placed a curse on me. Whenever people describe her or say her name I get consumed by rage and being turned into a dragon is accelerated. Gods turn into dragons when a bad emotion is increased, such as rage and greed.”

“That makes sense and is absolutely wonderful.” She called your name. “Come with me. I want you to tell me this cute story about dragons ‘cause I want to tell it to Lilly.”

Levi gave your hand a gentle squeeze. “I’ll talk to Erwin. Go have a nice time.”

You kissed Levi. “I love you.”

“Love you always.”

You walked with Kat over to her daughter. You smiled as Lilly squealed in delight at seeing her mummy. “She’s so precious.”

Kat hummed a laugh. “She is. I can’t believe you’re with a God. Are you thinking about having kids? They’d be demi-gods, right?”

You ruffled your hair and thought about Levi’s golden cum. “Ah, yeah on all. There is a chance…” You blushed hard. “I better tell you about dragons then, huh?”

Levi watched you rub your belly with a little blush. He pulled his eyes away and thought about his golden cum. He smiled a little knowing you were thinking about kids. He looked back to Erwin as Hange explained everything that you’d discovered so far. He heard Rolf explain his findings too but he knew a lot of the mess already. Levi’s main focus was on you and how you played with Lilly and touched your belly sometimes.

Levi zoned back into the conversation around him. “I want justice because I have someone I want to protect. If I don’t stop this woman, there might be a chance she’ll come back. I don’t want my soulmate to get hurt because of something in my past.”

Erwin hummed in response as he thought everything over. “I want to help you all, but getting involved would mean putting my wife and daughter at risk. I’m sorry. I want to help, but I can’t.”

“I understand.” Levi stood up and called to you. “We’re leaving.”

You handed Lilly over to Kat. “Leaving?” You ran over to Levi. “How come we’re leaving?”

“If we stay here we’ll be wasting our time.”

You ran outside with him. “Levi?”

He stopped and turned to you. “He can’t help us. We’re asking too much of him. Too many people have died because of me. I don’t want more people to die. Erwin has a wife and child, he has found his peace and fought for it, but we’re coming in and taking it away from him. This woman is a risk to them and I can’t do it.”

You cupped his face. “Levi, breathe.”

He shook a little. “Dragon?”

You nodded and smiled a little. “It’ll be okay. We’re okay.”

He kissed you and sighed through his nose. “I love you. I love you so much. We can live a quiet life in my old land, right?” He smiled a little. “We’ll raise many sweet children together.”

You nibbled your lip. “What if you turn into a dragon?”

“I will go to my world to calm down before that happens.”

“But you didn’t calm down last time, I had to turn you back.” You welled up. “Levi, is there no turning back once you’re a dragon?”

He sighed. “I can be turned back. You can turn me back with your love. You are my saviour.”

You cupped Levi’s face. “Are you sure you want to just walk away from finding the truth?”

“I know the truth.”

You released Levi’s face. “You do?”

He smiled and nodded. “Yes. The truth is I love you more than anything in this world. You are my soulmate. You are the love of my life. You are my everything. I can’t wait to marry you. Oh, and I am sure that our romantic night of making love involving my gold cum being poured into you over and over again may have resulted in a successful pregnancy.” He wrapped his arms around you. “That’s the truth.”

You leaned into Levi’s embrace and held him back. “Yeah, you’re right.” You squeezed him. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I’m happy as long as I have you.”

You frowned at your name being shouted. “Levi!” You pulled from Levi and looked to the house to see Erwin walking towards you with his wife following.

Levi squeezed you. “I wonder what they want with us.”

Erwin stopped in front of you. “My wife made something clear to me about everything. I said I wouldn’t help for the same reasons you’re asking for help. You want to protect the woman you love from someone terrible. You will have to fight your curse over and over again. There might be a time when you can’t and your wife and my friend will be left alone with her children.”

“Possibly, yes.”

Erwin shook his head. “I can’t let that happen. Forgive me for rejecting it right away. Let me help.”

Levi sighed. “I don’t want more people to get hurt because of me. It is best if we walk away.”

“Others are at risk. She will come for you again, along with everyone you care about.” He grabbed Levi’s upper arm. “She will kill every single magic-user not blessed with her power. Even if you make my friend a god with you, she could still be killed or cursed. We have to stop this god to save not only you but countless others.” Erwin gripped Levi’s arm. “She will not show my daughter and wife any mercy, will she?”

Levi shook his head. “No…her people when they came for me slaughtered everyone.” He lowered his head. “She doesn’t care whom she kills.”

Erwin released Levi. “I’ll help you. I’m doing this for my friend and my family.”

Kat smiled softly. “We’ll help you research this. We want you to have happiness. I don’t think any of us will be free until she’s stopped.”

You nibbled your lip. “Thank you.” You rubbed your tears away. “Thank you.”

Erwin hugged you. “Forgive me for refusing at first. My wife made it clear to me that if we don’t help then you and Levi will be denied the life I have. You deserve happiness and to be with Levi. She destroyed lives and is responsible for killing a lot of people in our past. We have to do this to save our daughter from a terrible future.”

You stepped back from Erwin and sighed. “This is going to be a tough fight ahead, isn’t it?”

“Likely.”

Levi pulled you close. “It will.”

You stuck your tongue out a little as you focused hard on putting together a wooden staff with rune carvings and a crystal at the top. You wanted it to be perfect so you could be more powerful and protect your friends and family. You had a lot more to fight for compared to before Levi entered your life. For so long you were lonely with no one around you, but now you had new friends and a dedicated lover.

“Spell bunny.”

You looked up at Levi and smiled. “Hey.”

Levi sat down and watched what you were doing. “It looks wonderful. I will place some of my power into it.”

“Oh, you don’t need to.”

“I want to.” He placed his hand on it and ran his fingers over the wood making it sparkle. “I want to help.”

“Thank you.” You blushed a little as you watched his fingers closely. “You’re good with your hands.”

Levi smirked. “You know that very well, don’t you?”

You whined a little. “I suppose.”

Levi chuckled. “I can’t believe you went to the city and got the King on your side and others to help you fight the goddess.” He leaned closer and kissed your cheek. “You are unbelievable.” He kissed you and smiled. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

He sighed and looked around. “Erwin’s home is nice.”

You smiled a little. “I like it. I feel bad we’ve been living here for two weeks while we research though.” You giggled when you saw Lilly running around and squealing in delight as Hange played with her. “Must be nice.”

Levi lay down with his head on your lap. “You would be a wonderful mother.”

You put your staff down and played with Levi’s hair. “Thank you. So, umm…” You blushed a little.

Levi took your hand and covered it in kisses. “Talk to me.”

You let out a long sigh. “I keep thinking about the night you returned and your golden cum…would…am…well…”

“Likely. I am unsure if my spell will work to stop children from being made.” He rolled onto his side and gazed at your belly. “A sweet baby.” He touched your stomach. “I am sorry if it is too fast, but it is hard to stop the seed of a god.”

You shifted a little. “I suppose you’re right.” You smiled as you watched Erwin pick up his little girl and toss her in the air making her giggle. “I can imagine you with a few kids. It’s making my heart flutter.”

Levi looked over at Erwin. “Like Erwin and Lilly?”

“Yes.”

Levi smiled softly. “I love you so much.”

You looked down at Levi. “I love you too.” You sighed. “I should get back to making this staff.”

Levi sat up and pouted. “I wanted to snuggle more.”

You grabbed your staff. “I know, but the sooner I make this perfect the better.”

“You really wanna fight for me, don’t you?”

“I do.”

Levi blushed hard. “You’re so cute.”

You winked at him. “Thanks.”

He watched you weave your magic into the wood and decorate it. “You’ll be really powerful with this.”

“That’s what I’m hoping.” You picked up your book and flicked through the pages. “I have to make sure that this is perfect.”

“You don’t need to.”

“I do. If I don’t get this right, you could die or be lost to your dragon form.” You welled up. “I can’t lose you and if I am pregnant then our baby or babies can’t lose you.”

Levi shuffled closer and placed his hand on your belly. “You’re incredible.”

“Thank you.” You got up from the floor and grinned “I think my staff is ready!”

“Let’s see what you can do.”

You spun your staff around in your hand before throwing it up and making it float. You floated and put your arms out causing the wind to flow around you. Your dark magic energy shot up from the circle around you and danced like flames. You caught your staff and slammed it down into the earth making trees, rocks and a river appear with a burst of energy. Flowers bloomed and nature jumped out of trees and the water.

You dropped down and gasped in delight. “I did it!”

Levi walked closer at this new little area you’d made. “This is incredible.”

You jumped up and down. “I’m so strong!”

Levi turned to you and cupped your face. “You’re perfection.” He kissed you and sighed through his nose. “You’re everything to me. I’m so proud of you.”

“I think I can use this to fight as well.”

“You can use it to protect people too.”

Your eyes sparkled in delight. “Yay!” You giggled in delight. “I can’t wait to help everyone!”

Levi hummed a laugh. “You can.”

“I’m glad.”

Erwin ran over. “I felt a burst of magic!” He slowed down and stared at what you’d created. “What…wow…did you make all this?”

You nodded and showed him your staff. “This helped me. I made it so I could enhance my power.”

Erwin took the staff and inspected it. “This is incredible stuff. You’re impressive.”

You blushed hard. “Thanks.”

Erwin frowned a little. “All this power was inside you? This seems almost god-level stuff and you’re not a god.”

Levi walked over and gulped. “Perhaps she has a bit of god inside her.”

Erwin’s brow raised. “Are you being rude?”

You blushed bright red. “He is suggesting that I am with child.”

Erwin looked at what you’d made. “I would agree. From my studies of magic users, this isn’t normal.” He glanced down at you. “Congratulations. I think it is clear you are.”

Your cheeks burned. “So soon…”

Levi gulped hard. “Sorry.”

You smiled at Levi. “Don’t be. I’m just worried you might be upset that I am, that maybe you’d wanna leave me because I got pregnant so fast.”

Levi cupped your face. “I love it. You’re the love of my life and I want a family with you. I would have been excited if you got pregnant after our first time together.” He held your waist and growled. “Mine. My soulmate.”

You gulped hard. “Yes.”

He kissed you and moaned against your lips. “We will stop this goddess.”

You nodded. “Yes. So, umm do you know if I am? How many?”

Levi placed his hand on your belly making his hand glow and you. His eyes widened. “Twins, a boy and a girl.”

You welled up. “Really?”

Levi cried and nodded as he laughed. “Yes!” He picked you up and spun around with you. “Our sweet little spell bunnies. You are a blessing in my life.” He kissed you and moaned against your lips. “My love, we have to be extra careful now.”

You sighed and nodded. “I know, but I want to help you and the others. I want to fight.”

Levi put you on your feet and tapped his forehead against yours. “You are my everything and more. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to marry you and make you a goddess. We really need to go to my world for that.”

Erwin smiled. “Well, it’s quiet here right now. So, why don’t you go there next? Possibly tomorrow?”

Levi nodded. “I think we shall. We’ll run there, meet my mother and I’ll start making you a goddess with the special drink of the gods.”

You cuddled Levi. “What is it like?”

He hummed. “Well, it’s sweet like custard.”

You gasped in delight. “Delicious.” You blushed a little. “We better start making a room for the twins, huh?”

He picked you up. “Yes, but let’s focus on our trip tomorrow.”

Erwin shook his head as he gazed at what you made. “Thank you for adding more to my home.”

You kicked your legs and giggled. “You’re most welcome.”

[fandomsforpotterheads]

The Sweater

Pairing: George Weasley x reader

Warnings: None

Request: @converseonverse

Story:

Can i request a George/Fred Weasley× fem!Reader with the prompt 51, like Reader wearing his hodie (only Is hodie) and She think Is cute but he think Is hot? Something like this. Love you<3!

Your house: Gryffindor

A/N: I made only a small change to this, I’m using a sweater instead of a hoodie in this story, but I hope you still like it!

***

George Weasley’s sweater, there it was in plain sight and neither of could clearly recall on find it last night as your boyfriend was frantically looking for it.

Although you tried to help him find it, you unsuccessful until the morning after you wake up and saw that the sweater had laid underneath the foot of your bed invisible to the naked eye. George had already left for breakfast so you saw this as an opportunity to try something a little new, and that was to wear your boyfriend’s sweater. It was one of his homemade Christmas sweaters from his mother and because of your small figure and frame, the sweater nearly swallowed you from neck to to, making it look like a dress.

Of course you had your Hogwarts uniform on underneath, you just wanted to see George’s reaction for when he sees what you have on. How did the sweater come to pass in the girls dorm you might ask? It was a secret you couldn’t tell to anyone but yourself, just last night a thunderstorm had begun and storms have scared you for as long as you can remember. George knows of this and when he was totally sure that everyone were actually asleep, he sneaked in the girls dorm to check on you while being there to comfort you. The first thing George did after climbing in bed with you was that he gently pulled the sweater over your head and continued to wrap it around you, which made you feel smaller but safer.

As you were now wearing George’s warm swearer, you begin to make your own way to join him for breakfast. When you had made it over, you take your usual spot at the table next to George and waited to see how long it would take him to notice. Though it didn’t take long, he just wasn’t the first to notice what you had on, Hermoine Granger was the first to comment on it, having you catching George’s eye without your effort at that point.

“You look cozy, is that sweater new?”

As George turns to see, you couldn’t help but blush and look away shyly.

“Like what you see Georgie? Fred teases.

“You won’t understand until you have the right girl in your life.”

“How do you mean?” You ask, now looking into each other’s eyes.

“Well, for starters, you’re never hard for me to find, and second, every time I see you, no matter what you are wearing, makeup or no makeup, I ask myself is this real? You’re actually what I can call mine?”

“And…?” You urge George.

“When I see you, I feel like I’m in Heaven. I mus it be in Heaven right now as I’m sitting next to you.”

“Aw, your so sweet. You’re my Heaven and happiness.”

That being said, you both slowly lean in as your lips finally meet.

Of course, making everyone feeling grossed out at the table and receiving comments. Ron and Malfoy’s comments were actually the most humorous ones.

“Get a room, you guys.” Ron demands.

“Hey Weasley, do you know where I can get myself one of those?”

Malfoy is known to be kind of a prick, but whether he was serious or not, that comment was funny as hell. He had nearly the whole Great Hall laughing.Today was going to be a good one.

You could feel it. You predicted it. But most importantly, you were right about it. A day you and George together would never forget.George was very proud to have you by his side no matter what.

For better or worse.

Forever and always.

****

Requests: Open

Characters:

Harry Potter

Ron Weasley

George Weasley

Fred Weasley

Oliver Wood

Neville Longbottom

Cedric Diggory

Draco Malfoy

Tom Riddle

snape

[hologramcowboy]

Hello! Happy Sunday!

I’ve been looking at the Jared and Jensen photo ops from Nashville this weekend. Jared looks really good this weekend (he’s been looking tired to me lately), and content. Jensen, on the other hand does not look happy to me in most of the pics. He’s attractive, of course. But, his eyes seem sad/pained.

In Vancouver, I had ops with him, more than I planned because Jared couldn’t attend, so I traded in tickets. Jensen felt very closed off on Saturday, even curt. To me, at least and some other people who had ops with him. Maybe he was mad that Jared wasn’t coming and he’d have to carry more of the con.

But on Sunday, he felt much warmer. I think he does his job well on con weekends, generally, but either he can’t hide his moods or doesn’t care to. He seems kind of temperamental to me. Like he runs hot and cold with people.

Anyway. My point was really just, in the last bouts of pics I’ve seen of him, he seems sad. Even (or especially) in pics where “fans” are claiming he loved their antics and he “lit up” when he saw their cringy shirts or heard their embarrassing comments about needing to feel Dean alive again or whatever. (Jai, I think). Some fans treat him so weird and creepy, maybe it’s just a reaction to being done with their crap, but his pics make me hope he is okay. Or working towards being okay.

Anyway, this got longer than I intended. But, I also just wanted to say thank you for being a place to talk about him where I don’t have to pretend everything about him is perfect or, alternately, have to sit like he’s the devil incarnate for his mistakes. It’s hard to find a rational place to enjoy discussing Jensen these days, but like I’ve seen you mention, I too can’t help but hope/believe there is still something real in him. Buried under the bravado.

This message moved me. Thank you for that and thank you for choosing to really look at Jensen, to get a sense of how he is emotionally. Most people just think of their desires and ignore the his emotions and over step boundaries. I am deeply happy he was around someone like you, fully capable of being empathic and open. It does seem like Jensen is unhappy about something, I really hope things work out for him and I hope he was people around him truly interested in his wellbeing and who truly love him. For starters, he is around people like you and trust that actors do feel the energy of the people they are around, it can influence them and just as those harassing, idiotic fans can invade his privacy, his emotions and cause suffering so can you cause harmony and healing by being centered in your appreciation and empathy. For actors especially it is important to connect with other on healthy levels and exchange energy so I am glad you got to experience him and that he surely felt your appreciation and balanced perceptions.

I'm sure we'll see all the layers he has manifest again, for now it seems he's lost in something, suffering for it. 💔 We can send him good energy and wish for the best of outcomes.

As for what some fans do, it definitely takes its toll because some ignore common decency, privacy, emotional and physical boundaries and so I don't blame him one bit if he does get closed off or defensive, I'm just sorry that innocent people also get to witness that. These so called "fans" that invade his boundaries on every level need to get a grip, if they truly do love him then they need to consider him as a human being not as an object of desire.

Thank you for sharing your experience and I hope you get to have many more beautiful experiences in the future. ♥️ Happy Sunday!

[alittledizzy]

okay so my best advice for anon from someone with almost 2 years of mcyt fandom bullshittery under their belt is to 1. completely ignore the dsmp lore. unless u have no other life stuff going on you will never be up to date with that. i failed to become up to date even 2 years ago, it's THAT much. so forget lore. But. 2. if u wanna get into shipping you can watch compilations on youtube. if that feels like it's missing context u can watch the vods they come from. watch George's cooking streams. look up irl streams with sapnap and karl. watch the snf meetup streams!! the qnf meetup streams too. look up "memes with dreams" and watch those too for dnf content or look up the jackbox streams. look up dream's discord podcasts-there are people who cut out the silences and they're awesome. watch the 2 "are you in love with your best friend" quiz videos. obviously watch the videos on their individual youtube channels. i think there's a dnfcliparchive tumblr account or something too but if that's not their url it's something along those lines. there used to be a doc explaining dream's controversies but that got deleted after his last one lol. at the end of the day, know that even people who have been here a while don't know EVERYTHING and if you see something that looks like an inside joke your best bet is just asking someone, you probably won't find the source on your own. it took me MONTHS to stop feeling confused about all the stuff that was going on all the time (it's a bit more chill now), but it's a fun fandom with tons of content to back-watch/read so you'll never really be bored. also!! if you want fic recs i will be happy to provide lol. maybe read heatwaves&helium cause those are the most popular fics and they're like... part of the dnf starter pack atp. and also have fun!! (also p.s. my favourite vods are the dream geoguessr ones feat george and sapnap& George's pokemon streams. also Sapnap's pokemon card pack opening streams and one of them is feat. george, bad, maybe dream?? so yeah. also i cannot state this enough THE SNF MEETUP STREAMS. trust me. u will die. anyway bye)

This is such a good primer (like the old school livejournal kinds) omg yes.

I actually saw a reupload of that controversies doc on reddit somewhere when I was first poking around and it was extremely useful because it made me realize a lot of the stuff I'd just internalized about him through social media osmosis were really and completely bullshit. I mean, he's sure as fuck not perfect, but he's not what I thought he was just from reading hashtags and headlines.

[ducknotinarow]

[Stolas Shane] "I can't believe you did all of this for me."

| 💜💜💜 --- 'I love you' Sentence Starters;

Stolas felt giddy as he looked over the gift box he had perfectly wrapped not a single scarp of paper stuck out all the edges were crisp. A silk like ribbon tied around the sides. A deep pink warping paper with a purple ribbon, was he trying to be subtle on his color choices here? Absolutely not and why should he? He was free to go all out to dot and express how he feels for his boyfriend Shane. In truth it was such a freeing aspect to their relationship with Shane. Stolas was able to just openly love Shane in the way Stolas wanted to express that love. Not feeling like the effort was going to waste or unwanted even. Shane seemed to more enjoy how over the top Stolas could be instead. Or, at least accepted it as just part of who he was. Stolas thought to himself as he twisted the end of the rib ion around his talon. Holding up his face in one hand happily chucking to himself.

It just felt good. Good to feel this way good to be truly in love and able to express his love freely. No worries about his arranged marriage with his divorce handled long before he and Shane became official. No worries of pushing Shane snap or react not quite in the manner Stolas would expect? Sure Shane wasn’t word for word following along with the male leads of his romance books or soap or romcoms even. But, Shane at least reciprocated Stolas’ efforts here. they were on the same page, and that alone? Was enough to put the owl prince into his current moods. Lost in thought of soft white locks, and cute little heart markings. Hoping Shane would like his gift and part of him feeling Shane would likely be happy with anything Stolas gifted to them.

Shane was just that kind of demon. That cute little unsure smile and their habit of averting their gaze as they rubbed at their neck. Despite his demon species Shane was more on the shyer side when it came to personality. One would be likely to assume a demon of the succbuss/incubus kind would be far more well promiscuous for one and outgoing as well. Likely more perverse even?

And well could one truly be blamed for having those stereotypes in mind when it came to demons that came from he lust ring for one, home and ruled over by Assmodeous himself? The same demon prince who flaunts his brand as ‘lust’

But that wasn’t Shane’s way. Which to Stolas had him feel it was more proof that they were genuine.

When Stolas' butler came to tell him his 'guest' was here, Stolas stood up right away clutching at the gift box carful not to let any of the paper to forum a winkle. Slightly biting on his bottom bill he could tell from the aide glance given by the butler who has severed by him for so long was thinking. But stolas didn't care to 'correct' his actions as the door was opened and entered Shane. That permanently sleepy gaze that Shane wore was enough to get the princes heart to flutter. Clearing his thoart a moment.

"Darling, I'm so glad you could come by." Still holding the gift between his talons. Hoping it be as good as Shane's was. No, he needed to remain in his confidence. Side stepping so they could come in as they walked together his butler making mention of having tea ready for Stolas and his 'guest'. That did get the princes smile to fade a moment. Unsure why they kept insisting on referring to Shane in that way. They were more then a ‘guest’ after all. Stolas decided to ignore it, if Shane wasn’t bothered than perhaps he didn’t need to worry over it himself, smiling as he held out a hand to Shane. “Shall we?”

Of course, Shane had seen the gift box and was bound to be curious, some how Stolas forgot about it when he got up to greet them offering just a faint smil as he went ahead and hand the box on over towards the incubus. “A gift for you, You brought me those wonderful roses, that are doing rather well in my garden by the way.” Stolas made known as he detoured in his speech, soon gesturing down at the gift box. “So, I wished to repay the gesture it’s rather small, I didn’t want to go over board.” Least no yet it was bound to happen but Stolas was still trying to learn from past mistakes, “well?” He asks slightly bend down to get more on their level as he slightly tugged on to the end of the ribbon so to give them the permission they might be seeking before ripping in to the paper.

Stolas stood up straight once again and watched as the wrapping was peeled away and ribbon untied to unveil the leather bond sketch book, Shane's name was imprinted into the dark pink leather cover. Along with some detail cravings of swirls and hearts to match up the usual style of lust. Along with a small metal tin box of a set of pencils to go with. "Sorry I can't help it anymore, I saw your other one and thought a new on might be needed. I asked your sister about the pencils so I hope those will be to your liking." Stolas stated, "But when you told me you like to draw I couldn't help getting in touch with a book binder I know of. They have worked to handle all the books used in Goita matters" he states with a wave of his hand "But it was nothing to get them to make time for this after all. And this way you have very high quality paper." Sometimes being a royal demon had many perks, that often went over the prince's own head on how that may come off. "I even had them engrave your heart tattoo on the spine there."

"I can't believe you did all of this for me."

"hmm and why do you say that? after all you gifted me my prize rose bush. And I have to admit the chance to spoil you makes me twice as happy as getting those roses from you." because he never was allowed to before, such a small act meant more than all his power did. "So do you like it?"

[markmonlux]

Weekly Dose of Mark

Friday, July 21st, 2023 • 07/21/23

On Monday the car didn’t start. I texted Greg Spencer Wolf and told him I could not pick him up. He asked if I needed him to come over to jump-start the car, and I agreed. It took him a while to find the right alley because he was looking on the wrong side of the street. The car was locked in park, so we couldn’t move it out of the garage. With the car in the garage, our cables were not long enough. I left Greg and Krista looking through the manual to get my neighbor Don’s electric starter. Greg and Krista discovered a way to unpark the car in the manual, but by then, Don was over with the starter. Don tried to open the battery to check the water but with no luck. I thanked him and Greg. After I told Greg I was going to go to the battery store, he drove on his own down to Fandango. During all of this, I called Stowe to let him know I couldn’t pick him up. The battery store said the battery was still under warranty, but checking it showed it was back to 80%. Krista told me the inside cab light had been left on. I remember going out to search through the glove compartment the day before. I must have left it on, and it drained the battery. I was only an hour late to Freelance Fandango, where Greg, Jennevieve, Stan, and Penny were kind enough not to tease me too much. The KitKat flavor was cookies and cream, which the group found to be too sweet.

Krista and I have enjoyed watching Sumo this week. It’s the July Basho. There’s a changing of the guard happening. Several of the players we’ve cheered on over the years are either retiring or falling into the lower rankings. There’s a lot of young blood coming in, and I do mean young. One of the youngest is a nineteen-year-old whose hair still isn’t long enough to form a topknot. We are watching to see if early injuries will shorten their career. A sport that is basically king-of-the-hill sees a lot of injuries. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a basho where a player didn’t bleed or withdraw from injury. I won’t bore you with statistics. Just know that for 30 minutes in the day, sometimes in the morning, more often in the afternoon or evening, Krista and I are calling out the names of who we think will win and howling in agony or triumph at close calls, just like football or baseball fans. We don’t wear any sports colors, but I did have a Takayasu pillow I wave about.

This week I’ve been taking my daily walks in the morning while it is still cool. I was finishing my walk around Wapato Park and saw children playing in front of the civic center. This is the time of year when it is used as a location for children to come and play with supervision. A group of what must have been eight-year-olds were playing musical chairs on the grass. My best guess is that it was early in the game. There were at least ten chairs to be circled, with only a couple having been set aside. The organizers were pros at this. I could see that they were drawing out the game as long as they could, so the tension would be high for both those watching and participating. The kids were all smiling, laughing, jumping, and waving their arms. It was a charming scene and a perfect way to bring my walk to a close. I’m trying to remember the last time I played that game. Was it in grade school? I have less than a memory, an inkling perhaps, of playing it in college in the dorm commons. Earlier in my walk, I was laughing. I was on a dirt path surrounded by birds singing, bright greens of plants and trees around me, a warm sunny day with a light breeze, and all was right in the world. You really have to enjoy those moments when they happen.

I was happy to find a nickel on the sidewalk during one of my morning walks. I’m lucky if I find a penny. I’ve found quarters and dimes, but finding a nickel was not bad at all. It was just as I was thinking this that I spotted a folded five-dollar bill. I truly couldn’t believe my luck. I thought it must be torn in half. But, no, it was an intact five-dollar bill. As I tucked it into my pocket, I realized that this was going to jump out in the statistics I keep of picked-up money. The total for 2021 was $1.06. 2022 was $1.35. When I got home, I told my wife I found a nickel.

“WooHoo,” she said cheerfully.

“That’s what I thought,” I said. “But a few footsteps later, I found this.” I snapped the five-dollar bill out between my two hands like I was holding up a shirt.

“I five dollar bill!” I announced.

“Ooooooooo!” She admired.

There’s a new lost dog bulletin posted on a utility pole near the post office. A 12-year-old Chihuahua Dautson mix ran away on the 4th of July. I wonder if the fireworks scared him out of his senses. I also wonder if he ever made it home safely and if their owner never bothered to take down the signs. 

The Weird Cabal is a group of artists I organized to create movie posters for the Grand Cinema’s Weird Elephant series. Wade, the fellow in charge of scheduling movies at the Grand, told me he planned on getting “The Wicker Man.” I usually will let the entire group put “dibs” in on a film. But I’ve not done a poster in months and wanted to do it, so I started the artwork for the poster even before Wade officially announced it. The rest of the group forgave me. The Grand announced that one of the movies they will be showing is “The Cabinet of Dr. Calgori.” I would love to do a movie poster for that classic, but I’d already claimed “The Wicker Man.” It wasn’t long before Brill and Stowe both put in dibs. I mentioned I wanted to do it, too but knew I’d have to let someone else take it. Stowe suggested that all the members of the Cabal do a poster. Just as this idea gained traction, Wade stepped in and said that both “The Cabinet of Dr. Calgori” and “Nosferatu” had their own group that toured with the films and sold their posters. They didn’t want to have to split sales. He apologized for not mentioning that sooner. I’m still thinking about doing a poster, which I can always sell at my other shows. 

Alley News

There was a flurry of activity outside my window. It was the young grey cat hot on the heels of a grey squirrel. He must have caught him by surprise because this squirrel was practically under its claws. Had the cat a little more experience, the squirrel would have been a goner instead of finally managing an escape through some bushes. I opened the front door, complimented the cat for his fine efforts, and set up the squirrel trap. I told Krista about the excitement. A couple of hours later, I reported the squirrel was in the trap. “Already?” she asked. I loaded the trap into the trunk and drove it to Sprinker Center. Their large parking lot is under renovation. Most of it was torn up. I had to park near the edge of the road in what spaces were remaining. The squirrel had four options, through the tall temporary chainlink into the dirt and dust of the parking lot construction, across the street to the golf course, across another street to Goodwill and strip mall, or to a large lone pine tree set next to the side of the road. It chose the pine tree. As I put the trap back into the trunk, I noticed a portable surveillance camera. It was part of a trailer unit with a tall telescoping pole with a camera on top. I’m sure it was used to check the perimeter of the parking lot. I wondered if it was on and if anyone was going to be amused by a few seconds of footage. The next day I noticed there was another squirrel in the yard. I’d reset the trap, and the varmint was digging around next to it.

July 15

#IDreamt I called my wife over to the window to see a goldfinch. Then I realized it was a Robin-sized, yellow, orange, and black. What type of bird is that? I asked.

July 17

#IDreamt I lived in one of the outer dimensions. My job was to adjust the filters to make it look better than it was to encourage choosing it as a destination. Most dimensions travel was one way.

July 18

#IDreamt my family was at a fishing lodge in Forks when the river flooded overnight. The water was at the doorstep. My late grandmother arrived complaining she was cold. I bundled her up in a chair next to the fireplace.

July 19

#IDreamt the characters from my recent dreams were creating a competition chart. Some of the criteria for judgment would be non-sequiturs of conversations and erratic movement.

July 20

#IDreamt my friend Goro visited me during a family gathering at my Uncle’s house. But the year was 1986. Neither he nor I could talk about what came after 1986.

July 21

#IDreamt I was a teenager disguised as a clown retrieving a camera as I attempted to escape from the Fairgrounds.

I watched some movies this week:

65. July 14

Deadly Instincts (1997) Rating: 3

I thought I was getting “Breeders” from 1987, not this film, which Netflix’s DVD service has titled “Breeders.” Rubber suit alien: check. Sexploitation: check. Way too much running around in the basement, sewers, whatever the hell space they call it: check. I took one point off when I realized I got the wrong movie. And the last point I took off was when the much-awaited exposition was carried out in less than thirty seconds.

66. July 16

Evil Dead Rise (2023) Rating: 10

Ramini and Campbell know just what the fans of the franchise want. And this time, they went into it with all the horror and little of the humor. The fans wanted a dark seat-squirmer, and they got one. Homage was paid to the original films in many ways. But all without it being larkish. I watched this movie on Max.

67. July 16

Nimona (2023) Rating: 7

I read the webcomic a long time ago. I had no idea a movie option was picked up. The story is a version of the webcomic, so if you enjoyed the movie, I think you would enjoy seeing the difference and choice made when they made the adaptation. The message of the film is very inclusive and more subtle than other animation films featuring inclusion as a theme. Disney made a mistake in dropping this film, and Netflix did more than a good deed in picking it up. Lots of fun.

More next week,

Mark

[mantlehold]

open to: f/nb.

fake dating plot? fake dating plot. they can be roommates, close friends, fwb, etc. be creative!

“lemme guess, you messed UP and told your parents you have a girlfriend and they want to meet said non-existent girlfriend?” the athlete replies sternly to the ramblings of the other settled on her couch, her frame leaning against the nearby wall of her apartment living room.

clearly, regina was unimpressed but they had the guts to admit it on the spot. especially when they were sweating profusely when they were spilling supposed details. oh, the poor soul.

“and. . . you’re asking ME, to be your fake girlfriend for the entire week we’re meant to visit them? what’s in for me?” there was always something to be bargained for, if you asked her.

[turnpage]

send me a ✐ for a random sentence starter from my muse (1-1500) — tw: profanity, mild nsfw, long list

generator here quotes compiled from here inspired by

feel free to change to fit your preferences as need.

❨1❩ ❛ They are dreams, but I’m too out of control, I lose myself in them, and I’ve already lost too much to let them take over. ❜
 ❨2❩ ❛ Sometimes human places create inhuman monsters. ❜ ❨3❩ ❛ I'm not gonna hurt ya. I'm just going to bash your brains in. ❜ ❨4❩ ❛ Monsters are real. Ghosts are too. They live inside of us, and sometimes, they win. ❜ ❨5❩ ❛ The world's a hard place. It doesn't care. It doesn't hate you and me, but it doesn't love us, either. ❜ ❨6❩ ❛ The tears that heal are also the tears that scald and scourge. ❜ ❨7❩ ❛ Pull your act together and just go on. ❜ ❨8❩ ❛ I had never dreamed there could be so much pain in a life when there is nothing physically wrong. I hurt all the time. ❜ ❨9❩ ❛ Tough old world, baby. If you're not bolted together tightly, you're gonna shake, rattle, and roll before you turn thirty. ❜ ❨10❩ ❛ Are you sure self-pity is a luxury you can afford? ❜ ❨11❩ ❛ Truth comes out. In the end it always comes out. ❜ ❨12❩ ❛ Living by your wits is always knowing where the wasps are. ❜ ❨13❩ ❛ No matter where you go, the same asshole gets off the plane. ❜ ❨14❩ ❛ We sometimes need to create unreal monsters and bogies to stand in for all the things we fear in our real lives. ❜ ❨15❩ ❛ That’s your job in this hard world, to keep your love alive and see that you get on, no matter what. ❜ ❨16❩ ❛ Human nature, baby. Grab it and growl. ❜ ❨17❩ ❛ God wiped snot out of his nose and that was you. ❜ ❨18❩ ❛ Run away. Quick. And remember how much I love you. ❜ ❨19❩ ❛ How many times, over how many years, have I—a grown adult—asked for the mercy of another chance? ❜ ❨20❩ ❛ I was suddenly so sick of myself, so revolted. ❜ ❨21❩ ❛ You listen to me. I’m going to talk to you about it this once and never again this same way. ❜ ❨22❩ ❛ But those pieces, they’ll never fit just the same way again. Never in this world. ❜ ❨23❩ ❛ Dying is a part of living. You have to keep tuning in to that if you expect to be a whole person. ❜ ❨24❩ ❛ Officious little prick. ❜ ❨25❩ ❛ I’ve been sleepwalking again, my dear. — The plants are moving under the rug. ❜ ❨26❩ ❛ How I wish you were fear. ❜ ❨27❩ ❛ But it was a dreadful kind of curiosity, the kind that makes you peek through your fingers during the scariest parts of a scary movie. ❜ ❨28❩ ❛ All we have is time, you know. An eternity of time. Or shall we end it? Might as well. After all, we're missing the party. ❜ ❨29❩ ❛ We all remember our pleasant dreams more clearly than the scary ones. ❜ ❨30❩ ❛ The way things should be and the way things are hardly ever get together. ❜ ❨31❩ ❛ Got to be regular if you want to be happy. ❜ ❨32❩ ❛ But in a solitary life, there are rare moments when another soul dips near yours, as stars once a year brush the earth. ❜ ❨33❩ ❛ He showed me his scars, and in return he let me pretend that I had none. ❜ ❨34❩ ❛ Humbling women seems to me a chief pastime of poets. As if there can be no story unless we crawl and weep. ❜ ❨35❩ ❛ It is a common saying that women are delicate creatures, flowers, eggs, anything that may be crushed in a moment's carelessness.  ❜ ❨36❩ ❛ If I had ever believed it, I no longer do. ❜ ❨37❩ ❛ I thought once that gods are the opposite of death, but I see now they are more dead than anything, for they are unchanging, and can hold nothing in their hands. ❜ ❨38❩ ❛ I cannot bear this world a moment longer. ❜ ❨39❩ ❛ I have a better idea. I will do as I please. ❜ ❨40❩ ❛ All my life has been murk and depths, but I am not a part of that dark water. I am a creature within it. ❜ ❨41❩ ❛ You cannot know how frightened gods are of pain. There is nothing more foreign to them, and so nothing they ache more deeply to see. ❜ ❨42❩ ❛ When we are young, we think ourselves the first to have each feeling in the world. ❜ ❨43❩ ❛ When I was born, the word for what I was did not exist. ❜ ❨44❩ ❛ But perhaps no parent can truly see their child. When we look we see only the mirror of our own faults. ❜ ❨45❩ ❛ I will not be like a bird bred in a cage, too dull to fly even when the door stands open. ❜ ❨46❩ ❛ This is what it means to swim in the tide, to walk the earth and feel it touch your feet. This is what it means to be alive. ❜ ❨47❩ ❛ You threw me to the crows, but it turns out I prefer them to you. ❜ ❨48❩ ❛ Yet because I knew nothing, nothing was beneath me. ❜ ❨49❩ ❛ If now I am wise, it is only because I have been fool enough for a hundred lifetimes. ❜ ❨50❩ ❛ You can teach a viper to eat from your hands, but you cannot take away how much it likes to bite. ❜ ❨51❩ ❛ Give me the blade. Some things are worth spilling blood for. ❜ ❨52❩ ❛ I have been old and stern for so long, carved with regrets and years like a monolith. But that is only a shape I’ve been poured into. I do not have to keep it. ❜ ❨53❩ ❛ I wake sometimes in the dark terrified by my life's precariousness, its thready breath. ❜ ❨54❩ ❛ Understanding the world is a matter of keeping very still and showing no emotions, leaving room for others to reveal themselves. ❜ ❨55❩ ❛ Beneath the smooth, familiar face of things is another that waits to tear the world in two. ❜ ❨56❩ ❛ The truth is, men make terrible pigs. ❜ ❨57❩ ❛ My father has never been able to imagine the world without himself in it. ❜ ❨58❩ ❛ This is the grief that makes our kind choose to be stones and trees rather than flesh. ❜ ❨59❩ ❛ Witches are not so delicate. ❜ ❨60❩ ❛ Those who fight against prophecy only draw it more tightly around their throats. ❜ ❨61❩ ❛ I learned that I could bend the world to my will, as a bow is bent for an arrow. I would have done that toil a thousand times to keep such power in my hands. ❜ ❨62❩ ❛ There's the story, then there's the real story, then there's the story of how the story came to be told. Then there's what you leave out of the story. Which is part of the story too. ❜ ❨63❩ ❛ The best way of being kind to bears is not to be very close to them. ❜ ❨64❩ ❛ Life is warped. I'm just in sync. ❜ ❨65❩ ❛ Now it's a whisper from the past. ❜ ❨66❩ ❛ But hatred and viciousness are addictive. You can get high on them. Once you've had a little, you start shaking if you don't get more. ❜ ❨67❩ ❛ Why is it always such a surprise? The moon. Even though we know it's coming. Every time we see it, it makes us pause, and hush. ❜ ❨68❩ ❛ Perfection exacts a price, but it's the imperfect who pay it. ❜ ❨69❩ ❛ What is 'belief' but a willingness to suspend the negatives?  ❜ ❨70❩ ❛ I have scars, inside me. ❜ ❨71❩ ❛ The dead are not entirely dead but are alive in a different way; a paler way admittedly, and somewhat darker. ❜ ❨72❩ ❛ However dark, a darkness with voices in it is better than a silent void. ❜ ❨73❩ ❛ Amazing how quickly the past becomes idyllic. ❜ ❨74❩ ❛ It is another way of saying tough luck. To people you aren’t going to help out. ❜ ❨75❩ ❛ I'm waiting, far off in the future. ❜ ❨76❩ ❛ The only sure camouflage is unpredictability. ❜ ❨77❩ ❛ There are so many of them, and each one of them is doing part of the killing, whether they know it or not. ❜ ❨78❩ ❛ First rule: limit bloodshed by making sure that none of your own gets spilled. ❜ ❨79❩ ❛ I long to swim in liquid moonlight. ❜ ❨80❩ ❛ That's right, I don’t like to be summoned on trivial matters. ❜ ❨81❩ ❛ The part that really made me happy was that you wanted me to be happy. ❜ ❨82❩ ❛ Cut that part out of us: the grinning, elemental malice. Begin us anew. ❜ ❨83❩ ❛ Where there are wars, there will be crows, the carrion-fanciers. And ravens too, the warbirds, the eyeball gourmands. And vultures, the holy birds of yore, old connoisseurs of rot. ❜ ❨84❩ ❛ At last. It's you. ❜ ❨85❩ ❛ No, you will not be cooked on a fire when you die. Because you are not a fish. ❜ ❨86❩ ❛ Take what the moment offers. Don’t close doors. Be thankful. ❜ ❨87❩ ❛ How many others have stood in this place? Left behind, with all gone, all swept away. ❜ ❨88❩ ❛ Is it disapproval or extreme lust? With some men it’s hard to tell the difference. ❜ ❨89❩ ❛ My hair was driving me crazy, but then … I died. ❜ ❨90❩ ❛ Seek and ye shall find, eventually. And you found. You’re right, I don’t dispute that. Sorry. ❜ ❨91❩ ❛ Everything digests, and is digested. ❜ ❨92❩ ❛ My head was once a filing cabinet. Now it’s a flurry of papers, floating on a draft. ❜ ❨93❩ ❛ You cannot keep bumping your head against reality and saying it is not there. ❜ ❨94❩ ❛ I have a feeling that inside you somewhere, there’s something nobody knows about. ❜ ❨95❩ ❛ And if I don’t want to die, I’ve got to start living. ❜ ❨96❩ ❛ The world is a beautiful place. Don’t forget that. And don’t miss it. ❜ ❨97❩ ❛ I was fighting for my life. So I must not want to die. ❜ ❨98❩ ❛ Something’s happening to me, through me, something dangerous and new. ❜ ❨99❩ ❛ It’s taken root, a poison tree; it’s grown, fanning out, vines winding round my gut, my lungs, my heart. ❜ ❨100❩ ❛ We’re interpreters. We’re translators. ❜ ❨101❩ ❛ You’ll notice I’m not asking what made you this way. ❜ ❨102❩ ❛ No family, happy or unhappy, is quite like any other. Tolstoy was chock-fullo’shit. Remember that. ❜ ❨103❩ ❛ We lived in monochrome those nights. ❜ ❨104❩ ❛ You live in a dream. You’re a sleepwalker, blind. How do you know what the world is like? ❜ ❨105❩ ❛ Do you know, if you rip off the fronts of houses, you’d find swine? ❜ ❨106❩ ❛ I stand here in the dark: cold, utterly alone, full of fear and something that feels like longing. ❜ ❨107❩ ❛ The definition of insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting different results. ❜ ❨108❩ ❛ Not to warm the flesh, but solely to please the eye. ❜ ❨109❩ ❛ Selective emotional detachment. ❜ ❨110❩ ❛ Not for me, or at least not today. ❜ ❨111❩ ❛ Dead but not gone, watching life surge forward around me, powerless to intervene. ❜ ❨112❩ ❛ Do I sound like a hillbilly saying that? ❜ ❨113❩ ❛ Remember, you’ve got your secret weapon. ❜ ❨114❩ ❛ The dream drains away like water. The memory, really. I try to scoop it up in my palms, but it’s gone. ❜ ❨115❩ ❛ My shadow stretches along the carpet, as though trying to detach itself from me. ❜ ❨116❩ ❛ It curls away from me, like blood in water. ❜ ❨117❩ ❛ It’s been so long since I felt the rain. Or wind—the caress of wind. ❜ ❨118❩ ❛ But snow I never want to feel again. ❜ ❨119❩ ❛ Through adversity to the stars. ❜ ❨120❩ ❛ No hero. No sleuth. I am locked in. I am locked out. ❜ ❨121❩ ❛ Thinking hasn't gotten me anywhere so far. ❜ ❨122❩ ❛ The face you give the world tells the world how to treat you. ❜ ❨123❩ ❛ Sometimes I think illness sits inside every woman, waiting for the right moment to bloom. ❜ ❨124❩ ❛ Women get consumed. ❜ ❨125��� ❛ Sometimes if you let people do things to you, you're really doing it to them. ❜ ❨126❩ ❛ A child weaned on poison considers harm a comfort. ❜ ❨127❩ ❛ Safer to be feared than loved. ❜ ❨128❩ ❛ I ached once, hard, like a period typed at the end of a sentence. ❜ ❨129❩ ❛ It's impossible to compete with the dead. I wish I could stop trying. ❜ ❨130❩ ❛ I always feel sad for the girl that I was. ❜ ❨131❩ ❛ Every time people said I was pretty, I thought of everything ugly swarming beneath my clothes. ❜ ❨132❩ ❛ How do you keep safe when your whole day is as wide and empty as the sky? Anything could happen. ❜ ❨133❩ ❛ See, there I am. I told you I lived. I told you I was. ❜ ❨134❩ ❛ Sometimes I think I won't ever feel safe until I can count my last days on one hand. ❜ ❨135❩ ❛ To refuse has so many more consequences than submitting. ❜ ❨136❩ ❛ I'm here. I don't usually feel that I am. ❜ ❨137❩ ❛ I'm tired of dying. ❜ ❨138❩ ❛ What if you hurt because it feels so good? ❜ ❨139❩ ❛ How confusing to live in the shadow of a shadow. ❜ ❨140❩ ❛ Do you ever feel like bad things are going to happen, and you can’t stop them? You can’t do anything, you just have to wait? ❜ ❨141❩ ❛ Sometimes my scars have a mind of their own. ❜ ❨142❩ ❛ Everyone has their own version of a memory. ❜ ❨143❩ ❛ Isn’t a smile a girl’s best weapon? ❜ ❨144❩ ❛ My sense of weightlessness, I think, comes from the fact that I know so little about my past. ❜ ❨145❩ ❛ Do what I want; I might like you. ❜ ❨146❩ ❛ I feel sorry for Persephone because even when she’s back with the living, people are afraid of her because of where’s she’s been. ❜ ❨147❩ ❛ She has never told me she loved me, and I never assumed she did. ❜ ❨148❩ ❛ The sight of it actually does something to you, makes you less human. ❜ ❨149❩ ❛ It infects you. It ruined me. ❜ ❨150❩ ❛ Your health is not a debt you just cancel. The body collects. ❜ ❨151❩ ❛ Men love to put things inside women, don’t they? ❜ ❨152❩ ❛ We can know only that we know nothing. And that is the highest degree of human wisdom. ❜ ❨153❩ ❛ Nothing is so necessary for a young man as the company of intelligent women. ❜ ❨154❩ ❛ The strongest of all warriors are these two — time and patience. ❜ ❨155❩ ❛ If everyone fought for their own convictions there would be no war. ❜ ❨156❩ ❛ There is no greatness where there is not simplicity, goodness, and truth. ❜ ❨157❩ ❛ The whole world is divided for me into two parts: one is she, and there is all happiness, hope, light; the other is where she is not, and there is dejection and darkness. ❜ ❨158❩ ❛ Let the dead bury the dead, but while I'm alive, I must live and be happy. ❜ ❨159❩ ❛ It's not given to people to judge what's right or wrong. People have eternally been mistaken and will be mistaken, and in nothing more than in what they consider right and wrong. ❜ ❨160❩ ❛ You can love a person dear to you with a human love, but an enemy can only be loved with divine love. ❜ ❨161❩ ❛ If we admit that human life can be ruled by reason, then all possibility of life is destroyed. ❜ ❨162❩ ❛ We are asleep until we fall in love! ❜ ❨163❩ ❛ I simply want to live; to cause no evil to anyone but myself. ❜ ❨164❩ ❛ Everything I know, I know because of love. ❜ ❨165❩ ❛ Man cannot possess anything as long as he fears death. But to him who does not fear it, everything belongs. ❜ ❨166❩ ❛ If there was no suffering, man would not know his limits, would not know himself. ❜ ❨167❩ ❛ Yes, love, but not the love that loves for something, to gain something, or because of something, but that love that I felt for the first time, when dying, I saw my enemy and yet loved him. ❜ ❨168❩ ❛ How can one be well...when one suffers morally? ❜ ❨169❩ ❛ Kings are the slaves of history. ❜ ❨170❩ ❛ God is the same everywhere. ❜ ❨171❩ ❛ Pure and complete sorrow is as impossible as pure and complete joy. ❜ ❨172❩ ❛ One must be cunning and wicked in this world. ❜ ❨173❩ ❛ We love people not so much for the good they've done us, as for the good we've done them. ❜ ❨174❩ ❛ When one's head is gone one doesn't weep over one's hair! ❜ ❨175❩ ❛ For what, for whom, must I kill and be killed? ❜ ❨176❩ ❛ He did what heroes do after their work is accomplished; he died. ❜ ❨177❩ ❛ Life is too long to say anything definitely; always say perhaps. ❜ ❨178❩ ❛ Everything ends in death, everything. Death is terrible. ❜ ❨179❩ ❛ The distant and impossible suddenly became near, possible, and inevitable. ❜ ❨180❩ ❛ How often we sin, how much we deceive, and all for what? ❜ ❨181❩ ❛ The wolves should be fed and the sheep kept safe. ❜ ❨182❩ ❛ When I was a child, adults would tell me not to make things up, warning me of what would happen if I did. ❜ ❨183❩ ❛ My memory is a patchwork of occurrences, of discontinuous events roughly sewn together: the parts I remember, I remember precisely, whilst other sections seem to have vanished completely. ❜ ❨184❩ ❛ Would it be worse to love someone who is no longer there, or not to love someone who is? ❜ ❨185❩ ❛ Like mirrors stories prepare us for the day to come. They distract us from the things in darkness. ❜ ❨186❩ ❛ It is not that I was credulous, simply that I believed in all things dark and dangerous. ❜ ❨187❩ ❛ Sometimes you do things you regret, but there's nothing you can do about them. Times change. Doors close behind you. You move on. ❜ ❨188❩ ❛ Love will be an impulse that will inspire and ruin in equal measure. ❜ ❨189❩ ❛ He died alone. It don't matter a rat's ass whether there was anyone with him or not. He died alone. ❜ ❨190❩ ❛ It was love, I knew, and it tasted like champagne in my mind. ❜ ❨191❩ ❛ The end of the world is a strange concept. The world is always ending, and the end is always being averted, by love or foolishness or just plain old dumb luck. ❜ ❨192❩ ❛ She was my dream; and if you touch a dream it vanishes, like a soap bubble. ❜ ❨193❩ ❛ Daylight is always safe. ❜ ❨194❩ ❛ If not for death, they'd be content to simply exist, but with death, well, their lives will have meaning. ❜ ❨195❩ ❛ You want to know the future, love? Then wait. ❜ ❨196❩ ❛ There are things in the darkness beneath us that wish us harm. ❜ ❨197❩ ❛ Fairy tales are more than true. Not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be defeated ❜ ❨198❩ ❛ But sometimes you leave blood on your instruments. ❜ ❨199❩ ❛ I'd like to be a wolf. Not all the time. Just sometimes. In the dark. I would run through the forests. ❜ ❨200❩ ❛ You've seen them. They have mouths that twitch, and eyes that stare, and they babble and they mewl and they whimper. ❜ ❨201❩ ❛ They are not mad, or rather, the loss of their sanity is the lesser of their problems. ❜ ❨202❩ ❛ Good a reason for writing as I know: releasing demons, letting them fly. ❜ ❨203❩ ❛ That miserable state in which everything seems flat and of equal importance; when nothing matters, and in which reality seems scraped thin and threadbare. ❜ ❨204❩ ❛ Someone had scrawled graffiti in black marker on the metal: JUST DIE, it said. Like it is easy. ❜ ❨205❩ ❛ Winter started today. The sky turned grey and the snow began to fall and it did not stop falling until well after dark. ❜ ❨206❩ ❛ Memory is the great deceiver. ❜ ❨207❩ ❛ Silly things do cease to be silly if they are done by sensible people in an impudent way. ❜ ❨208❩ ❛ I may have lost my heart, but not my self-control.  ❜ ❨209❩ ❛ If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more. ❜ ❨210❩ ❛ I always deserve the best treatment because I never put up with any other. ❜ ❨211❩ ❛ But you know what I am. You hear nothing but truth from me. ❜ ❨212❩ ❛ I have blamed you, and lectured you, and you have borne it as no other would have borne it. ❜ ❨213❩ ❛ There are people, who the more you do for them, the less they will do for themselves. ❜ ❨214❩ ❛ One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other. ❜ ❨215❩ ❛ Better be without sense than misapply it as you do. ❜ ❨216❩ ❛ You must be the best judge of your own happiness. ❜ ❨217❩ ❛ Were I to fall in love, indeed, it would be a different thing ; but I have never been in love ; it is not my way, or my nature ; and I do not think I ever shall. ❜ ❨218❩ ❛ Indeed, I am very sorry to be right in this instance. I would much rather have been merry than wise. ❜ ❨219❩ ❛ If I have not spoken, it is because I am afraid I will awaken myself from this dream. ❜ ❨220❩ ❛ If a woman doubts as to whether she should accept a man or not, she certainly ought to refuse him. ❜ ❨221❩ ❛ Faultless in spite of all her faults. ❜ ❨222❩ ❛ A heroine whom no one but myself will much like. ❜ ❨223❩ ❛ There is no charm equal to tenderness of heart. ❜ ❨224❩ ❛ Full many a flower is born to blush unseen, and waste its fragrance on the desert air. ❜ ❨225❩ ❛ I pity you. I thought you cleverer. ❜ ❨226❩ ❛ Evil to some is always good to others. ❜ ❨227❩ ❛ I certainly will not persuade myself to feel more than I do. ❜ ❨228❩ ❛ She is loveliness itself. ❜ ❨229❩ ❛ Time does not compose me. ❜ ❨230❩ ❛ A man always imagines a woman to be ready for anybody who asks her. ❜ ❨231❩ ❛ I do not find myself making any use of the word sacrifice. ❜ ❨232❩ ❛ I am quite enough in love. I should be sorry to be any more. ❜ ❨233❩ ❛ I must tell you what you will not ask, though I may wish it unsaid the next moment. ❜ ❨234❩ ❛ I examined my own heart. And there you were. Never, I fear, to be removed. ❜ ❨235❩ ❛ With all your little faults, you are an excellent creature. ❜ ❨236❩ ❛ You have another long walk before you. ❜ ❨237❩ ❛ The child's laughter is pure until he first laughs at a clown. ❜ ❨238❩ ❛ What is marriage but prostitution to one man instead of many? ❜ ❨239❩ ❛ Out of the frying pan into the fire! ❜ ❨240❩ ❛ We must all make do with the rags of love we find flapping on the scarecrow of humanity. ❜ ❨241❩ ❛ She sleeps. And now she wakes each day a little less. ❜ ❨242❩ ❛ And, oh, God . . . how frequently I weep! ❜ ❨243❩ ❛ From the coffin of your madness there is no escape. ❜ ❨244❩ ❛ I am feeling supernatural tonight. I want to eat diamonds. ❜ ❨245❩ ❛ All the same there is a chance that if we keep on shaking our chains, one day, some day, the clasps upon the shackles will part. ❜ ❨246❩ ❛ It was sad music fit to make you cut your throat. ❜ ❨247❩ ❛ Nothing is more boring than being forced to play. ❜ ❨248❩ ❛ Amongst the monsters, I am well hidden; who looks for a leaf in a forest? ❜ ❨249❩ ❛ Wherein does a woman’s honour reside? In her vagina or in her spirit? ❜ ❨250❩ ❛ Perhaps...I could not be content with mere contentment! ❜ ❨251❩ ❛ Have you ever stared stark failure in the face? The trick is to outstare it. ❜ ❨252❩ ❛ Sometimes it seems that the faces exist of themselves, in a disembodied somewhere, waiting for the one who will wear them, who will bring them to life. ❜ ❨253❩ ❛ I have the febrile gaiety of a being without a past, without a present, yet I exist. ❜ ❨254❩ ❛ I felt myself turning, willy-nilly, from a woman into an idea. ❜ ❨255❩ ❛ She looks wonderful, but she doesn't look right. ❜ ❨256❩ ❛ The one-eyed man will be King in the country of the blind. ❜ ❨257❩ ❛ I raised you up to fly to the heavens, not to brood over a clutch of eggs! ❜ ❨258❩ ❛ I love to hear my bones rattle. That’s how I know I’m alive. ❜ ❨259❩ ❛ I learnt, first, as the birds do, from the birds. ❜ ❨260❩ ❛ Inside and outside match exactly, but both are badly wrong. ❜ ❨261❩ ❛ During the less-than-blink of time it took the last chime to die, there came a vertiginous sensation. ❜ ❨262❩ ❛ I fear a wound not of the body but the soul, an irreconcilable division between myself and the rest of humankind. ❜ ❨263❩ ❛ I fear the proof of my own singularity. ❜ ❨264❩ ❛ Still nothing could calm the fearful storm in my erupting skin. ❜ ❨265❩ ❛ Petersburg, loveliest of all hallucinations. ❜ ❨266❩ ❛ A breathless second between black forest and the frozen sea. ❜ ❨267❩ ❛ I'm beginning to feel totally cut off from the world. ❜ ❨268❩ ❛ What does this all mean? Where are we? ❜ ❨269❩ ❛ Sometimes I bleed. ❜ ❨270❩ ❛ If you see a ghost, you say "hello". ❜ ❨271❩ ❛ The war is not over. ❜ ❨272❩ ❛ You're not going. You left us once already. ❜ ❨273❩ ❛ You can’t go! ❜ ❨274❩ ❛ I loved you, but that wasn't enough, was it? ❜ ❨275❩ ❛ If you're dead, then leave me in peace. ❜ ❨276❩ ❛ The only thing that moves here is the light, but it changes everything. ❜ ❨277❩ ❛ I won't ask for forgiveness for something I didn't do! ❜ ❨278❩ ❛ Sometimes the world of the living gets mixed up with the world of the dead. ❜ ❨279❩ ❛ Death of a loved one can lead people to do the strangest things. ❜ ❨280❩ ❛ Sooner or later, they will find you. ❜ ❨281❩ ❛ They're everywhere - they say this house is theirs. ❜ ❨282❩ ❛ You're always teasing me, and telling lies. I'm sick of it. ❜ ❨283❩ ❛ Others will come. Sometimes we'll sense them. Other times, we won't. ❜ ❨284❩ ❛ No crying now. No crying. Stop that. Here. Look what an awful face you've got when you cry. ❜ ❨285❩ ❛ You listen to me. I've seen them too. ❜ ❨286❩ ❛ You'll see. There are going to be some big surprises. There are going to be... changes. ❜ ❨287❩ ❛ Why did you go and fight that stupid war that had nothing to do with us? Why didn't you stay like the others did? ❜ ❨288❩ ❛ Your place was here with your family. ❜ ❨289❩ ❛ So you say you know this house well? ❜ ❨290❩ ❛ I wasn't expecting you so soon. ❜ ❨291❩ ❛ What's the matter? Has the cat got your tongue? ❜ ❨292❩ ❛ You mean they just vanished? Into thin air? ❜ ❨293❩ ❛ No door must be opened without the previous one being closed first. ❜ ❨294❩ ❛ Here, most of the time, you can hardly see your way. ❜ ❨295❩ ❛ Whatever you do, don't open the curtains. ❜ ❨296❩ ❛ Now, come on. Eyes closed. ❜ ❨297❩ ❛ We start off with high hopes, then we bottle it. We realise that we’re all going to die, without really finding out the big answers. ❜ ❨298❩ ❛ By definition, you have to live until you die. Better to make that life as complete and enjoyable an experience as possible, in case death is shite, which I suspect it will be. ❜ ❨299❩ ❛ I chose not to choose life. I chose somethin’ else. ❜ ❨300❩ ❛ And the reasons? There are no reasons. ❜ ❨301❩ ❛ Love does not exist, it's like religion, made to control you. ❜ ❨302❩ ❛ After all, we're not fucking stupid. At least, we're not that fucking stupid. ❜ ❨303❩ ❛ You fucking knew that fucking cunt would fuck some cunt. ❜ ❨304❩ ❛ Everything in the street today seems soft focus. ❜ ❨305❩ ❛ What does that make us? The lowest of the low. ❜ ❨306❩ ❛ Take your best orgasm, multiply the feeling by twenty, and you're still fuckin’ miles off the pace. ❜ ❨307❩ ❛ It’s as if everything is a copy of what you knew before, similar, yet somehow lacking in its usual qualities, a bit like the way things are in a dream. ❜ ❨308❩ ❛ It’s all okay, it’s all beautiful; but I fear that this internal sea is going to subside soon, leaving this poisonous shite washed up, stranded up in my body. ❜ ❨309❩ ❛ It cuts me up. It confuses me. ❜ ❨310❩ ❛ It's not funny laughter. This is lynch mob laughter. ❜ ❨311❩ ❛ Protect me from those who wish to help us. ❜ ❨312❩ ❛ They mean well, and they mean well to me, but there's no way under the sun that they can appreciate what I feel, what I need. ❜ ❨313❩ ❛ The pit of melancholy is a bottomless one, and I am descending fast. ❜ ❨314❩ ❛ Living like this is a full-time business. ❜ ❨315❩ ❛ I’ll stand or fall alone. ❜ ❨316❩ ❛ We are no wiser now than at the start. ❜ ❨317❩ ❛ This is pathetic, and fucking boring. ❜ ❨318❩ ❛ Death is usually a process, rather than an event. ❜ ❨319❩ ❛ We're ruled by effete arseholes. What does that make us? ❜ ❨320❩ ❛ We are all acquaintances now. ❜ ❨321❩ ❛ The problem is that this beautiful ocean carries with it loads of poisonous flotsam and jetsam. ❜ ❨322❩ ❛ Life is beautiful. I'm going to enjoy it, and I'm going to have a long life. ❜ ❨323❩ ❛ The grim reality of impending death can be talked away by trying to invest in the present reality of life. ❜ ❨324❩ ❛ There must be more to life than this. ❜ ❨325❩ ❛ We all see what we want to see. ❜ ❨326❩ ❛ Statistically speaking, you're more likely to be killed by a member of your own family or a close friend, than by anyone else. ❜ ❨327❩ ❛ What am I living for and what am I dying for are the same question. ❜ ❨328❩ ❛ Maybe that's what love is: it's being pissed off. ❜ ❨329❩ ❛ You can forget who you are if you're alone too much. ❜ ❨330❩ ❛ Any religion is a shadow of God. But the shadows of God are not God. ❜ ❨331❩ ❛ Human understanding is fallible, and we see through a glass, darkly.  ❜ ❨332❩ ❛ We must be a beacon of hope, because if you tell people there's nothing they can do, they will do worse than nothing. ❜ ❨333❩ ❛ Everyone wants to feel like a princess, and princesses are selfish and overbearing. ❜ ❨334❩ ❛ We shouldn't have been so scornful; we should have had compassion. But compassion takes work, and we were young. ❜ ❨335❩ ❛ How easy it is, treachery. You just slide into it. ❜ ❨336❩ ❛ Amazing how the heart clutches at anything familiar, whimpering: Mine! Mine! ❜ ❨337❩ ❛ All creatures know that some must die ; that all the rest may take and eat. ❜ ❨338❩ ❛ Is this the image of a god? My tooth for yours, your eye for mine? ❜ ❨339❩ ❛ Without the light, no chance; without the dark, no dance. ❜ ❨340❩ ❛ Why are we designed to see the world as supremely beautiful just as we're about to be snuffed? Do rabbits feel the same as the fox teeth bite down on their necks? Is it mercy? ❜ ❨341❩ ❛ Love is useless, it leads you into dumb exchanges in which you give too much away, and then you get bitter and mean. ❜ ❨342❩ ❛ Maybe sadness is a kind of hunger. Maybe the two go together. ❜ ❨343❩ ❛ Now I can see how that can happen. You can fall in love with anybody -- a fool, a criminal, a nothing. There are no good rules. ❜ ❨344❩ ❛ If you really want to stay the same age you are now forever and ever, try jumping off the roof: death's a sure-fire method for stopping time. ❜ ❨345❩ ❛ You couldn’t leave words lying around where our enemies might find them. ❜ ❨346❩ ❛ I'm fine, for the moment. And the moment is the only time we can be fine in. ❜ ❨347❩ ❛ Because if you can't wish, why bother? ❜ ❨348❩ ❛ It's better to hope than mope! ❜ ❨349❩ ❛ Reality has too much darkness in it. Too many crows. ❜ ❨350❩ ❛ In any case, time is not a thing that passes, it’s a sea on which you float. ❜ ❨351❩ ❛ I know I’m deceiving myself, but I prefer to deceive myself. I desperately need to believe such pure joy is still possible. ❜ ❨352❩ ❛ Too much God and you overdose. God needs to be filtered. ❜ ❨353❩ ❛ Behind my eyelids I saw an animal. It was golden colour, with gentle green eyes and canine teeth, and curly wool instead of fur. It opened its mouth, but it did not speak. Instead, it yawned. ❜ ❨354❩ ❛ ‘Why can't I believe?’ I asked the darkness. ❜ ❨355❩ ❛ Everyone’s too sad for everything. ❜ ❨356❩ ❛ If you can’t stop the waves, go sailing. ❜ ❨357❩ ❛ I would like to be the air that inhabits you for a moment only. I would like to be that unnoticed and that necessary. ❜ ❨358❩ ❛ Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them. ❜ ❨359❩ ❛ In the end, we'll all become stories. ❜ ❨360❩ ❛ I am inadequate and stupid, without worth. I might as well be dead. ❜ ❨361❩ ❛ If you knew what was going to happen, if you knew everything that was going to happen next—if you knew in advance the consequences of your own actions—you'd be doomed. You'd be ruined as God. ❜ ❨362❩ ❛ If you can't go through an obstacle, go around it. ❜ ❨363❩ ❛ Stupidity is the same as evil if you judge by the results. ❜ ❨364❩ ❛ Time in dreams is frozen. You can never get away from where you've been. ❜ ❨365❩ ❛ Male fantasies, male fantasies, is everything run by male fantasies? ❜ ❨366❩ ❛ We still think of a powerful man as a born leader and a powerful woman as an anomaly. ❜ ❨367❩ ❛ If I love you, is that a fact or a weapon? ❜ ❨368❩ ❛ You fit into me like a hook into an eye. ❜ ❨369❩ ❛ Knowing too much about other people puts you in their power, they have a claim on you, you are forced to understand their reasons for doing things and then you are weakened. ❜ ❨370❩ ❛ Farewells can be shattering, but returns are surely worse. ❜ ❨371❩ ❛ Women have curious ways of hurting someone else. ❜ ❨372❩ ❛ This is the one song everyone would like to learn: the song that is irresistible: the song that forces men to leap overboard in squadrons. ❜ ❨373❩ ❛ Get rid of death. Make it be spring. ❜ ❨374❩ ❛ You are innocent as a bathtub full of bullets. ❜ ❨375❩ ❛ I am the space you desecrate as you pass through. ❜ ❨376❩ ❛ Favour me and give me riches, destroy my enemies. Save me from death. ❜ ❨377❩ ❛ She is a raw voice loose in the rooms beneath me. ❜ ❨378❩ ❛ Isn't the moon warm enough for you, why do you need the blanket of another body? ❜ ❨379❩ ❛ This is a torch song. Touch me and you'll burn. ❜ ❨380❩ ❛ If you look long enough eventually you will see me. ❜ ❨381❩ ❛ I would like to sleep with you, to enter your sleep as its smooth dark wave slides over my head. ❜ ❨382❩ ❛ I would like to give you the silver branch, the small white flower, the one word that will protect you from the grief. ❜ ❨383❩ ❛ But some people can't tell where it hurts. They can't calm down. They can't ever stop howling. ❜ ❨384❩ ❛ How else can we live, these days, except in the midst of ruin? ❜ ❨385❩ ❛ What am I living for and what am I dying for are the same question. ❜ ❨386❩ ❛ Gods always come in handy, they justify almost anything. ❜ ❨387❩ ❛ We loved with a love that was more than love. ❜ ❨388❩ ❛ Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before. ❜ ❨389❩ ❛ The boundaries which divide life from death are at best shadowy and vague. Who shall say where the one ends, and where the other begins? ❜ ❨390❩ ❛ There is no exquisite beauty without some strangeness in the proportion. ❜ ❨391❩ ❛ Never to suffer would never to have been blessed. ❜ ❨392❩ ❛ Believe only half of what you see and nothing that you hear. ❜ ❨393❩ ❛ And all I loved, I loved alone. ❜ ❨394❩ ❛ Years of love have been forgot, in the hatred of a minute. ❜ ❨395❩ ❛ The best things in life make you sweaty. ❜ ❨396❩ ❛ There are some secrets which do not permit themselves to be told. ❜ ❨397❩ ❛ Anything is better than this agony. ❜ ❨398❩ ❛ You fancy me mad. ❜ ❨399❩ ❛ I hear all things in the heaven and in the earth. ❜ ❨400❩ ❛ Who dares insult us with this blasphemous mockery? ❜ ❨401❩ ❛ Leave my loneliness unbroken! ❜ ❨402❩ ❛ A more than fiendish malevolence, gin-nurtured, thrills every fibre of my frame. ❜ ❨403❩ ❛ The fury of a demon instantly possessed me. I knew myself no longer. ❜ ❨404❩ ❛ Let my heart be still a moment. ❜ ❨405❩ ❛ You call it hope —  It is but agony of desire. ❜ ❨406❩ ❛ Who has not, a hundred times, found himself committing a vile or silly action for no other reason than because he knows he should not? ❜ ❨407❩ ❛ To die laughing must be the most glorious of all glorious deaths! ❜ ❨408❩ ❛ The beating of a drum stimulates the soldier into courage. ❜ ❨409❩ ❛ Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practise to deceive. ❜ ❨410❩ ❛ I have been happy, though in a dream. ❜ ❨411❩ ❛ Nevermore. ❜ ❨412❩ ❛ The truth is, I am heartily sick of this life. ❜ ❨413❩ ❛ I am convinced that every thing is going wrong. ❜ ❨414❩ ❛ The scariest monsters are the ones that lurk within our souls. ❜ ❨415❩ ❛ And if I died, at least I will have died for you! ❜ ❨416❩ ❛ It is impossible to say how first the idea entered my brain; but once conceived, it haunted me day and night. ❜ ❨417❩ ❛ Hurt and humiliation — But this, I can not take. ❜ ❨418❩ ❛ The walls in there have ears. ❜ ❨419❩ ❛ This is for your ears only. ❜ ❨420❩ ❛ What is it? You have me scared. ❜ ❨421❩ ❛ Whoever isn’t for us, is against us. ❜ ❨422❩ ❛ You are just a body; to be dumped, disposed of like a carcass, left out for the birds to feed on. ❜ ❨423❩ ❛ The dead will have to forgive me. ❜ ❨424❩ ❛ From now on and no matter how your mind may I change, I will not accept your help. ❜ ❨425❩ ❛ If death comes, so be it. There will be glory in it. ❜ ❨426❩ ❛ Live, then; and live with your choice. ❜ ❨427❩ ❛ I am doing what has to be done. ❜ ❨428❩ ❛ Nothing is going to stop the ones that love you from keeping on loving you. ❜ ❨429❩ ❛ Worst is the man who has all the good advice, and then because his nerve fails, fails to act in accordance with it, as a leader should. ❜ ❨430❩ ❛ Only a loony would walk himself into this. ❜ ❨431❩ ❛ Why do you need such fences and defences? ❜ ❨432❩ ❛ Enough. Do not anger me. ❜ ❨433❩ ❛ The gods, you think, will side with the likes of him? ❜ ❨434❩ ❛ Watch it. You are over stepping. ❜ ❨435❩ ❛ I warn you. You should keep a civil tongue. ❜ ❨436❩ ❛ There is no such thing as an oath the can not be broken. ❜ ❨437❩ ❛ Every now and then, the things you’d hardly let yourself imagine, actually happen. ❜ ❨438❩ ❛ And you stand over this? This is the truth? ❜ ❨439❩ ❛ The bigger the resistance, the bigger the collapse. ❜ ❨440❩ ❛ Iron that’s forged the hardest, snaps the quickest. ❜ ❨441❩ ❛ Even the wildest horses come to heel when they are reined & bitted right. ❜ ❨442❩ ❛ That’s how guilt affects some people. They break and everything comes out. ❜ ❨443❩ ❛ Will it be enough for you? To see me executed? ❜ ❨444❩ ❛ So you know something no one else knows? ❜ ❨445❩ ❛ They know it too. They are just too afraid to say it. ❜ ❨446❩ ❛ If you die, how will I keep on living? ❜ ❨447❩ ❛ There was a star riding through clouds one night, & I said to the star, 'Consume me'. ❜ ❨448❩ ❛ How much better to sit by myself like the solitary sea-bird that opens its wings on the stake. ❜ ❨449❩ ❛ Alone, I often fall down into nothingness. I have to bang my head against some hard door to call myself back to the body. ❜ ❨450❩ ❛ I am made and remade continually. Different people draw different words from me. ❜ ❨451❩ ❛ For this moment, this one moment, we are together.  ❜ ❨452❩ ❛ Come, pain, feed on me. Bury your fangs in my flesh. Tear me asunder. ❜ ❨453❩ ❛ I am as neat as a cat in my habits. ❜ ❨454❩ ❛ Everything falls in a tremendous shower, dissolving me. ❜ ❨455❩ ❛ I am the foam that sweeps and fills the uttermost rims of the rocks with whiteness; I am also a girl, here in this room. ❜ ❨456❩ ❛ We are cut, we are fallen. We are become part of that unfeeling universe ❨457❩ that sleeps when we are at our quickest and burns red when we lie ❨458❩ asleep. ❜ ❨459❩ ❛ These moments of escape are not to be despised. They come too seldom. ❜ ❨460❩ ❛ Up here my eyes are green leaves, unseeing. ❜ ❨461❩ ❛ The moment is all; the moment is enough. ❜ ❨462❩ ❛ I do not want to be admired. I want to give, to be given. ❜ ❨463❩ ❛ I am not one and simple, but complex and many. ❜ ❨464❩ ❛ And if you are dead, I shall weep. ❜ ❨465❩ ❛ But beauty must be broken daily to remain beautiful. ❜ ❨466❩ ❛ But our hatred is almost indistinguishable from our love. ❜ ❨467❩ ❛ I desired always to stretch the night and fill it fuller and fuller with dreams. ❜ ❨468❩ ❛ Life is a dream surely. ❜ ❨469❩ ❛ I think sometimes I am not a woman, but the light that falls on this gate, on this ground. I am the seasons, I think sometimes, January, May, November; the mud, the mist, the dawn. ❜ ❨470❩ ❛ Oh, I am in love with life! ❜ ❨471❩ ❛ I have been knotted; I have been torn apart. ❜ ❨472❩ ❛ There was no freedom in life, and certainly there was none in death. ❜ ❨473❩ ❛ I do not know. I do not know myself sometimes, or how to measure and name and count out the grains that make me what I am. ❜ ❨474❩ ❛ I ride rough waters, and shall sink with no one to save me. ❜ ❨475❩ ❛ I am above the earth now. I am no longer upright, to be knocked against and damaged. ❜ ❨476❩ ❛ I see it all. I feel it all. ❜ ❨477❩ ❛ Death is woven in with the violets. Death and again death. ❜ ❨478❩ ❛ We have been walking for hours it seems. But where? I cannot remember. ❜ ❨479❩ ❛ If we were all on trial for our thoughts, we would all be hanged. ❜ ❨480❩ ❛ When you are in the middle of a story it isn't a story at all, but only a confusion; a dark roaring, a blindness, a wreckage of shattered glass. ❜ ❨481❩ ❛ Murderess is a strong word to have attached to you. It has a smell to it, that word; - musky and oppressive, like dead flowers in a vase.  ❜ ❨482❩ ❛ Sometimes at night I whisper it over to myself: Murderess, murderess. It rustles, like a taffeta skirt across the floor. ❜ ❨483❩ ❛ If the world treats you well, you come to believe you are deserving of it. ❜ ❨484❩ ❛ If I am good enough and quiet enough, perhaps after all they will let me go. ❜ ❨485❩ ❛ It’s not easy being quiet and good, it’s like hanging on to the edge of a bridge when you’ve already fallen over; you don’t seem to be moving, just dangling there, and yet it is taking all your strength. ❜ ❨486❩ ❛ There is no fool like an educated fool. ❜ ❨487❩ ❛ There are many dangerous things that may take place in a bed. ❜ ❨488❩ ❛ I am afraid of falling into hopeless despair, over my wasted life, and I am still not sure how it happened. ❜ ❨489❩ ❛ Underneath it all is another feeling, a feeling of being wide-eyed awake and watchful. ❜ ❨490❩ ❛ And underneath all that is another feeling still, a feeling like being torn open; not like a body of flesh, it is not painful as such, but like a peach; and not even torn open, but ripe and splitting open of its own accord.  ❜ ❨491❩ ❛ The small details of life often hide a great significance. ❜ ❨492❩ ❛ Guilt comes to you not from the things you've done, but from the things that others have done to you. ❜ ❨493❩ ❛ I wonder, how can I be all of these different things at once? ❜ ❨494❩ ❛ It is always a mistake to curse back openly at those who are stronger than you unless there is a fence between. ❜ ❨495❩ ❛ Some call this "Eve's curse," but I think that is stupid because the real curse of Eve was having to put up with the nonsense of Adam. ❜ ❨496❩ ❛ I don't know why they are all so eager to be remembered. What good will it do them? There are some things that should be forgotten by everyone, and never spoken of again. ❜ ❨497❩ ❛ I would never blame a human creature for feeling lonely. ❜ ❨498❩ ❛ If they want a monster so badly they ought to be provided by one. ❜ ❨499❩ ❛ It’s as if I never existed, because no trace of me remains, I have left no marks. And that way I cannot be followed. It is almost the same as being innocent. ❜ ❨500❩ ❛ Today you wear your habitual expression of strained anxiety; you smell of violets. ❜ ❨501❩ ❛ Of course you have always been an idealist, and filled with your optimistic dreams; but reality must at some time obtrude. ❜ ❨502❩ ❛ I wonder what would become of me, and comfort myself that in a hundred years I will be dead and at peace. ❜ ❨503❩ ❛ For it is not always the one that strikes the blow that is the actual murderer. ❜ ❨504❩ ❛ There is a “do this” or “do that” with God, but not any “because”. ❜ ❨505❩ ❛ If you have a need and they find it out, they will use it against you. The best way is to stop from wanting anything. ❜ ❨506❩ ❛ They say, why don’t you ever smile or laugh, we never see you smiling, and I say I suppose I have gotten out of the way of it, my face won’t bend in that direction any more. ❜ ❨507❩ ❛ I was shut up inside that doll of myself, and my true voice could not get out. ❜ ❨508❩ ❛ I see what you’re after. You are a collector. You think all you have to do is give me an apple, and then you can collect me. ❜ ❨509❩ ❛ If you want to be an asshole, it's a free country. Millions before you have made the same life choice. ❜ ❨510❩ ❛ Then there's the future. Sheer vertigo. ❜ ❨511❩ ❛ Nature is to zoos as God is to churches. ❜ ❨512❩ ❛ After everything that's happened, how can the world still be so beautiful? ❜ ❨513❩ ❛ There's something to be said for hunger: at least it lets you know you're still alive. ❜ ❨514❩ ❛ These things sneak up on me for no reason, these flashes of irrational happiness. It's probably a vitamin deficiency. ❜ ❨515❩ ❛ Toast cannot be explained by any rational means. Toast is me. I am toast. ❜ ❨516❩ ❛ You can’t buy it, but it has a price. Everything has a price. ❜ ❨517❩ ❛ As a species were doomed by hope, then? You could call it hope. That, or desperation. ❜ ❨518❩ ❛ I am not my childhood. ❜ ❨519❩ ❛ Human beings hope they can stick their souls into someone else and live on forever. ❜ ❨520❩ ❛ “I'll make you mine”, lovers said in old books. They never said, “I'll make you me.” ❜ ❨521❩ ❛ How much is too much, how far is too far? ❜ ❨522❩ ❛ Expectation isn't the same as desire. ❜ ❨523❩ ❛ Why not cut to the chase? ❜ ❨524❩ ❛ Maybe there aren't any solutions. Human society, corpses and rubble. ❜ ❨525❩ ❛ I thought you didn’t believe in God. ❜ ❨526❩ ❛ I need at least the illusion of being understood. ❜ ❨527❩ ❛ What change would have altered the course of events? In the big picture, nothing. In the small picture, so much. ❜ ❨528❩ ❛ You are only looking at the dirt under your feet. It's not good for you. ❜ ❨529❩ ❛ I like to keep only the bright side of myself turned towards you.  ❜ ❨530❩ ❛ Grief in the face of inevitable death. The wish to stop time. The human condition. ❜ ❨531❩ ❛ So many crucial events take place behind people’s backs, when they aren’t in a position to watch: birth and death, for instance. ❜ ❨532❩ ❛ Would you kill someone you loved to spare them pain? ❜ ❨533❩ ❛ When the water’s moving faster than the boat, you can’t control a thing. ❜ ❨534❩ ❛ Don't be so fucking sentimental. ❜ ❨535❩ ❛ Wrong, as usual. ❜ ❨536❩ ❛ Why do you want to talk about ugly things? ❜ ❨537❩ ❛ I understand why serial killers send helpful clues to the police. ❜ ❨538❩ ❛ Take your time, leave mine alone. ❜ ❨539❩ ❛ You will hear thunder and remember me. ❜ ❨540❩ ❛ If you were music, I would listen to you ceaselessly. ❜ ❨541❩ ❛ I seem to myself an accidental guest in this dreadful body. ❜ ❨542❩ ❛ Call me a sinner, mock me maliciously. ❜ ❨543❩ ❛ I, from the very beginning, seemed to myself like someone's dream or delirium. Or a reflection in someone else's mirror. Without flesh, without meaning, without a name. ❜ ❨544❩ ❛ I knew the list of crimes that I was destined to commit. ❜ ❨545❩ ❛ The future ripens in the past, so the past rots in the future. ❜ ❨546❩ ❛ You are untranslatable into any one tongue. ❜ ❨547❩ ❛ I was hoping my silence would fit yours. ❜ ❨548❩ ❛ See, we were never about butterflies. All about us is unearthly and radiant. ❜ ❨549❩ ❛ You do not know just what you've been forgiven. ❜ ❨550❩ ❛ I need to slaughter my memory.  ❜ ❨551❩ ❛ Forgive me that I appeared to you in waking dreams. ❜ ❨552❩ ❛ I will condemn, I will forget, I will give comfort to the enemy. ❜ ❨553❩ ❛ I know beginnings, I know endings too, and life-in-death. ❜ ❨554❩ ❛ Wild honey smells of freedom. But gold smells of nothing. ❜ ❨555❩ ❛ You are three times more beautiful than angels. ❜ ❨556❩ ❛ I will kill you without spilling your blood on the ground, not touching you with my hand, not giving you one glance. ❜ ❨557❩ ❛ You invented me. There is no such earthly being. ❜ ❨558❩ ❛ You’re late. Way too late. I’m glad to see you, nonetheless. ❜ ❨559❩ ❛ Forgive me that I felt forsaken. Forgive me that I kept mistaking too many others for you. ❜ ❨560❩ ❛ Real tenderness can’t be confused, it’s quiet and can’t be heard. ❜ ❨561❩ ❛ What else lived in that house besides us? ❜ ❨562❩ ❛ How unhappy we are together! ❜ ❨563❩ ❛ I defend not my voice, but my silence. ❜ ❨564❩ ❛ Without love, I'm more at ease, I'm sure. ❜ ❨565❩ ❛ I've got no more tears or explanations. ❜ ❨566❩ ❛ I’m not complaining. Happiness is not for me. ❜ ❨567❩ ❛ Are you not the only tie between good and evil, earthly pits and paradise? ❜ ❨568❩ ❛ In the morning we shall find out who has died in the night. ❜ ❨569❩ ❛ I was not a lovable child, and I've grown into a deeply unlovable adult. ❜ ❨570❩ ❛ The truly frightening flaw in humanity is our capacity for cruelty - we all have it. ❜ ❨571❩ ❛ I have a meanness inside me, real as an organ. Slit me at my belly and it might slide out, meaty and dark. ❜ ❨572❩ ❛ I am not angry or sad or happy to see you. I could not give a shit. You don't even ripple. ❜ ❨573❩ ❛ I was raised feral, and I mostly stayed that way. ❜ ❨574❩ ❛ I can feel a better version of me somewhere in there - hidden behind a liver or attached to a bit of spleen. But the meanness usually wins out. ❜ ❨575❩ ❛ I felt something loosen in me, that shouldn't have loosened. A stitch come undone. ❜ ❨576❩ ❛ Everyone who keeps a secret, itches to tell it. ❜ ❨577❩ ❛ Coffee goes great with sudden death. ❜ ❨578❩ ❛ I should just listen to my gut and then do the opposite. ❜ ❨579❩ ❛ “Smile, it can't be that bad!” Yeah, actually, it can, jackwad. ❜ ❨580❩ ❛ Everything bad in the world already did happen. ❜ ❨581❩ ❛ You’re going to find peace? Like knowing is somehow going to fix you? ❜ ❨582❩ ❛ Instead of asking yourself what happened, just accept that it happened. ❜ ❨583❩ ❛ Homesick for a place I've never been. ❜ ❨584❩ ❛ Worries find you easily enough without inviting them. ❜ ❨585❩ ❛ It is always consoling to think of suicide. It's what gets one through many a bad night. ❜ ❨586❩ ❛ Do you understand this is serious? ❜ ❨587❩ ❛ Sometimes it feels good to fuck with something. Instead of always being fucked with. ❜ ❨588❩ ❛ How could you kill something you cared enough to name? ❜ ❨589❩ ❛ Draw a picture of my soul, and it’d be a scribble with fangs. ❜ ❨590❩ ❛ We have the same chemicals in our blood: shame, anger, greed. Unjustified nostalgia. ❜ ❨591❩ ❛ I appreciate a straightforward apology the way a tone-deaf person enjoys a fine piece of music. ❜ ❨592❩ ❛ The phrase fuck you may not rest on the tip of my tongue, but it’s near. Midtongue. ❜ ❨593❩ ❛ Nothing to it but to do it. ❜ ❨594❩ ❛ There are a lot of people who deserve a lesson, deserve to really understand, that nothing comes easy, that most things are going to go sour. ❜ ❨595❩ ❛ If ifs and buts were candies and nuts we’d all have a very Merry Christmas. ❜ ❨596❩ ❛ Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. ❜ ❨597❩ ❛ What does it do to a girl who knows her mother is a murderer? ❜ ❨598❩ ❛ That mean old bitch across the street bit it. ❜ ❨599❩ ❛ Survival is a talent. ❜ ❨600❩ ❛ Crazy isn't being broken or swallowing a dark secret. It’s you or me amplified. If you ever told a lie and enjoyed it. If you ever wished you could be a child forever. ❜ ❨601❩ ❛ Who has the courage to burn themselves? ❜ ❨602❩ ❛ Is insanity just a matter of dropping the act? ❜ ❨603❩ ❛ Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? ❜ ❨604❩ ❛ You need to be well fed, clothed, and housed to have time for this much self-pity. ❜ ❨605❩ ❛ When I am supposed to be awake, I am asleep; when I am supposed to speak, I am silent. When a pleasure offers itself to me, I avoid it. ❜ ❨606❩ ❛ There is thought, and then there is thinking about thoughts, and they don't feel the same. ❜ ❨607❩ ❛ In a strange way we are free. We've reached the end of the line. We have nothing more to lose. ❜ ❨608❩ ❛ The world won’t stop because we aren’t in it anymore. ❜ ❨609❩ ❛ I can't answer the real question. All I can tell you is, it's easy. ❜ ❨610❩ ❛ I am lighter, airier than I’ve been in years. ❜ ❨611❩ ❛ I am not dead, yet something in me definitely is. ❜ ❨612❩ ❛ You meant that as an insult but I am taking it as a compliment. ❜ ❨613❩ ❛ What life can recover from that? ❜ ❨614❩ ❛ It's a fairly accurate portrait of me. It's accurate but it isn't profound. ❜ ❨615❩ ❛ Pull yourself together! There's nothing wrong with you. ❜ ❨616❩ ❛ It's quiet. It's like― I don't know. It's like falling off a cliff. ❜ ❨617❩ ❛ Once you start parsing a face, it's a peculiar item: squishy, pointy, with lots of air vents and wet spots. ❜ ❨618❩ ❛ I lost him. I did it on purpose. ❜ ❨619❩ ❛ It’s a mean world. There’s nobody to take care of you out there. ❜ ❨620❩ ❛ Reality is getting too dense. ❜ ❨621❩ ❛ I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favourite word. ❜ ❨622❩ ❛ I can't come up with reassuring answers to the terrible questions you raise. ❜ ❨623❩ ❛ A spring day, the sort that gives people hope: all soft winds and delicate smells of warm earth. Suicide weather. ❜ ❨624❩ ❛ Twenty-five chocolate chip cookies would be the perfect dinner. ❜ ❨625❩ ❛ A thought is a hard thing to control. ❜ ❨626❩ ❛ Life demands skills I don’t have. ❜ ❨627❩ ❛ Light like this does not exist, but we wish it did. We wish the sun could make us young and beautiful. Most of all, we wish that everyone we knew could be brightened simply by our looking at them. ❜ ❨628❩ ❛ It never stops, even at night, it’s my lullaby. ❜ ❨629❩ ❛ Love blurs your vision; but after it recedes, you can see more clearly than ever. ❜ ❨630❩ ❛ This is the kind of thing you see if you sit in the darkness with open eyes. ❜ ❨631❩ ❛ I have done something wrong, something so huge I can't even see it, something that's drowning me. ❜ ❨632❩ ❛ Whatever is happening to me is my own fault. ❜ ❨633❩ ❛ Hatred is easier. Hatred is clear, metallic, one-handed, unwavering; unlike love. ❜ ❨634❩ ❛ Potential has a shelf life. ❜ ❨635❩ ❛ Don’t move. Stay like that, let me have that. ❜ ❨636❩ ❛ I have come to the edge, of the land. I could get pushed over. ❜ ❨637❩ ❛ Never pray for justice, because you might get some. ❜ ❨638❩ ❛ It disturbs me to learn I have hurt someone unintentionally. I want all my hurts to be intentional. ❜ ❨639❩ ❛ We have been shark to one another, but also lifeboat. That counts for something. ❜ ❨640❩ ❛ This is what I miss, not something that’s gone, but something that will never happen. ❜ ❨641❩ ❛ I am not good. I know too much to be good. I know myself. I know myself to be vengeful, greedy, secretive and sly. ❜ ❨642❩ ❛ You are amazing. Amazing and agonising and almost lethal. ❜ ❨643❩ ❛ In my dreams of this city I am always lost. ❜ ❨644❩ ❛ I don't know where these feelings have come from, I don’t know what I've done. ❜ ❨645❩ ❛ I am not the centre of your story, you are.  ❜ ❨646❩ ❛ I’m mad because you’re an asshole. ❜ ❨647❩ ❛ It's enormously pleasing to me, walking away. It's like being able to make people appear and vanish, at will. ❜ ❨648❩ ❛ There is never only one of anyone. ❜ ❨649❩ ❛ I can't do this without feeling I'm acting. ❜ ❨650❩ ❛ I am prepared for almost anything; except absence, except silence. ❜ ❨651❩ ❛ I’m losing my appetite for strangers. ❜ ❨652❩ ❛ You wear your cravings on the outside, like the suckers on a squid. You want it all. ❜ ❨653❩ ❛ Knowing too much about other people weakens you. You are forced to understand their reasons for doing things. ❜ ❨654❩ ❛ I have lost confidence: perhaps all I will ever be is what I am now. ❜ ❨655❩ ❛ Echoes of light, shining out of the midst of nothing. It's old light, and there's not much of it. But it's enough to see by. ❜ ❨656❩ ❛ Whoever cares the most will lose. ❜ ❨657❩ ❛ Young women need unfairness, it’s one of their few defences.  ❜ ❨658❩ ❛ Time has gone on without you. ❜ ❨659❩ ❛ Don't let the bastards grind you down. ❜ ❨660❩ ❛ Who can remember pain, once it’s over? Pain marks you, but too deep to see. Out of sight, out of mind. ❜ ❨661❩ ❛ Better never means better for everyone. It always means worse, for some. ❜ ❨662❩ ❛ There is more than one kind of freedom. Freedom to and freedom from. ❜ ❨663❩ ❛ Remember that forgiveness too is a power. ❜ ❨664❩ ❛ I am not your justification for existence. ❜ ❨665❩ ❛ I want to be valued, in ways that I am not; I want to be more than valuable. ❜ ❨666❩ ❛ If it's a story I'm telling, then I have control over the ending. ❜ ❨667❩ ❛ All you have to do is keep your mouth shut and look stupid. It shouldn't be that hard. ❜ ❨668❩ ❛ Truly amazing, what people can get used to, as long as there are a few compensations. ❜ ❨669❩ ❛ I want everything back, the way it was. ❜ ❨670❩ ❛ You can't help what you feel, but you can help how you behave. ❜ ❨671❩ ❛ Nothing changes instantaneously: in a gradually heating bathtub you'd be boiled to death before you knew it. ❜ ❨672❩ ❛ To want is to have a weakness. ❜ ❨673❩ ❛ There isn't even an enemy you could put your finger on. ❜ ❨674❩ ❛ The past is a great darkness, filled with echoes. ❜ ❨675❩ ❛ Ordinary is what you are used to. This may not seem ordinary to you now, but after a time it will. It will become ordinary. ❜ ❨676❩ ❛ I wish this story were different. I wish it were more civilised. I wish it showed me in a better light. ❜ ❨677❩ ❛ The night is mine, my own time, to do with it as I will, as long as I am quiet. As long as I don't move. As long as I lie still. ❜ ❨678❩ ❛ By telling you anything at all I'm at least believing in you. ❜ ❨679❩ ❛ Whatever is silenced will clamour to be heard. ❜ ❨680❩ ❛ Don't worry about forgiving me right now. There are more important things. ❜ ❨681❩ ❛ Keep the others safe. Don't let them suffer too much. If they have to die, let it be fast. ❜ ❨682❩ ❛ The body is so easily damaged, so easily disposed of, water and chemicals is all it is, hardly more to it than a jellyfish, drying on sand. ❜ ❨683❩ ❛ The world is full of weapons if you're looking for them. ❜ ❨684❩ ❛ Nobody's heart is perfect. ❜ ❨685❩ ❛ One false move and I'm dead. ❜ ❨686❩ ❛ Watch out. I've got my eye on you. ❜ ❨687❩ ❛ Fear is a powerful stimulant. ❜ ❨688❩ ❛ I couldn't afford to lose you. ❜ ❨689❩ ❛ Name one hero who was happy. ---- You can’t. ❜ ❨690❩ ❛ I feel like I could eat the world raw. ❜ ❨691❩ ❛ We are like gods at the dawning of the world. ❜ ❨692❩ ❛ I could recognise him by touch alone, by smell; I would know him blind, by the way his breaths came and his feet struck the earth. I would know him in death, at the end of the world. ❜ ❨693❩ ❛ There are no bargains between lion and men. I will kill you and eat you raw. ❜ ❨694❩ ❛ You can use a spear as a walking stick, but that will not change its nature. ❜ ❨695❩ ❛ He is a weapon, a killer. Do not forget it. ❜ ❨696❩ ❛ Some men gain glory after they die, others fade. ❜ ❨697❩ ❛ I am made of memories. ❜ ❨698❩ ❛ Will you come with me? ❜ ❨699❩ ❛ I wish I had let you all die. ❜ ❨700❩ ❛ It is right to seek peace for the dead. You and I both know there is no peace for those who live after. ❜ ❨701❩ ❛ Bury us. Let us be free. ❜ ❨702❩ ❛ Go. He waits for you. ❜ ❨703❩ ❛ Nothing could eclipse the stain of this dirty, mortal mediocrity. ❜ ❨704❩ ❛ I know I have told you of this. ❜ ❨705❩ ❛ I don't know how you remember them all. I swear they look the same to me. ❜ ❨706❩ ❛ Perhaps you should get some new stories, so I don’t fucking kill myself of boredom. ❜ ❨707❩ ❛ I yearn for the darkness and silence of the underworld, where I can rest. ❜ ❨708❩ ❛ There is no honour in betraying your friends. ❜ ❨709❩ ❛ There is no answer. Whichever you choose, you are wrong. ❜ ❨710❩ ❛ Divine blood flows differently. ❜ ❨711❩ ❛ How is there glory in taking life? We die so easily. ❜ ❨712❩ ❛ This is what I will miss, I think. I will kill myself rather than miss it. ❜ ❨713❩ ❛ How long do we have? ❜ ❨714❩ ❛ Do you think we fight hopeless wars? ❜ ❨715❩ ❛ There is no law that gods must be fair. ❜ ❨716❩ ❛ I do not fear ridicule. I never have. ❜ ❨717❩ ❛ You were always better with words than I. ❜ ❨718❩ ❛ Who can be ashamed to lose to such beauty? ❜ ❨719❩ ❛ When you see beauty in desolation it changes something inside you. ❜ ❨720❩ ❛ That's how the madness of the world tries to colonise you: from the outside in, forcing you to live in its reality. ❜ ❨721❩ ❛ The shadows of the abyss are like the petals of a monstrous flower that shall blossom within the skull and expand the mind beyond what any man can bear. ❜ ❨722❩ ❛ Silence creates violence. ❜ ❨723❩ ❛ Some questions will ruin you if you are denied the answer long enough. ❜ ❨724❩ ❛ There are certain kinds of connections that are so deep that when broken you feel the snap of it inside you. ❜ ❨725❩ ❛ Nothing that ever lived and breathed was truly objective—even in a vacuum, even if all that possessed the brain was a self-immolating desire for the truth. ❜ ❨726❩ ❛ We all live in a kind of continuous dream. ❜ ❨727❩ ❛ You can either waste time worrying about a death that might not come or concentrate on what’s left to you. ❜ ❨728❩ ❛ What can you do when your five senses are not enough? ❜ ❨729❩ ❛ We will neither be what we had been nor what we would become once we reach our destination. ❜ ❨730❩ ❛ Perhaps my only real expertise, my only talent, is to endure beyond the endurable. ❜ ❨731❩ ❛ When you are too close to the centre of a mystery there is no way to pull back. ❜ ❨732❩ ❛ I long ago stopped believing in promises. Biological imperatives, yes. Environmental factors, yes. Promises, no. ❜ ❨733❩ ❛ I look not for shooting stars but for fixed ones, and I try to imagine what kind of life lives in those celestial tidal pools so far from us. ❜ ❨734❩ ❛ I hesitated for just a moment. Some part of me wanted to see the creature, I think. If so, it was a very small part. I ran. ❜ ❨735❩ ❛ I don’t require any of this to have a deeper meaning. ❜ ❨736❩ ❛ All of this speculation is incomplete, inexact, inaccurate, useless. ❜ ❨737❩ ❛ We don’t have real answers, because we still don’t know what questions to ask. Our instruments are useless, our methodology broken, our motivations selfish. ❜ ❨738❩ ❛ This part I will do alone. Don’t follow. ❜ ❨739❩ ❛ People my entire life have told me I am too much in control, but that has never been the case. I have never truly been in control. ❜ ❨740❩ ❛ Has there always been someone like me to bury the bodies, to have regrets, to carry on after everyone else was dead? ❜ ❨741❩ ❛ I loved them, but I didn’t need them, and I thought that was the way it was supposed to be. ❜ ❨742❩ ❛ Places can impress themselves upon me, and I can become part of them with ease. ❜ ❨743❩ ❛ There is no one with me. I am all by myself. ❜ ❨744❩ ❛ Pretending often leads to becoming a reasonable facsimile of what you mimic. ❜ ❨745❩ ❛ I think you're confusing suicide with self-destruction, and they're very different. Almost none of us commit suicide, whereas almost all of us self-destruct. ❜ ❨746❩ ❛ What did you eat? You had rations for only two weeks. You were there for nearly four months. ❜ ❨747❩ ❛ Something here is making giant waves in the gene pool. ❜ ❨748❩ ❛ I need to know what’s inside. ❜ ❨749❩ ❛ These aren't decisions. They're impulses ❜ ❨750❩ ❛ What do you think I do when you’re away? Do you think I’m out in the garden pinning, looking up at the sky? ❜ ❨751❩ ❛ If I know what’s happened I can save their life. ❜ ❨752❩ ❛ They either went crazy or something in here killed them. ❜ ❨753❩ ❛ Something is coming through the fence! ❜ ❨754❩ ❛ Nothing is written in the stars. Not these stars, nor any others. No one controls your destiny. ❜ ❨755❩ ❛ People who claim that they're evil are usually no worse than the rest of us. ❜ ❨756❩ ❛ Happy endings are still endings. ❜ ❨757❩ ❛ We believe in all sorts of things that aren't true; -- we call it history. ❜ ❨758❩ ❛ Does the devil ever struggle to be good again, or if so is he not a devil? ❜ ❨759❩ ❛ In the lives of children, pumpkins turn into coaches, mice and rats turn into men. When we grow up, we realise it is far more common for men to turn into rats. ❜ ❨760❩ ❛ Girls need cold anger. They need the cold simmer, the ceaseless grudge, the talent to avoid forgiveness, the side stepping of compromise.  ❜ ❨761❩ ❛ Love makes hunters of us all. ❜ ❨762❩ ❛ There is much to hate in this world and way too much to love. ❜ ❨763❩ ❛ You confuse not speaking with not listening. ❜ ❨764❩ ❛ As long as people are going to call you a lunatic anyway, why not get the benefit of it? It liberates you from convention. ❜ ❨765❩ ❛ The eye is always caught by light, but shadows have more to say. ❜ ❨766❩ ❛ Not everyone is born a witch or a saint. Not everyone is born talented, or crooked, or blessed; some are born definite in no particular at all. ❜ ❨767❩ ❛ We are a fountain of shimmering contradictions, most of us. ❜ ❨768❩ ❛ The wickedness of men is that their power breeds stupidity and blindness. ❜ ❨769❩ ❛ I know you don't want to hear this but someone has to say it! You are out of control! ❜ ❨770❩ ❛ Even at the very worst - there is always choice. ❜ ❨771❩ ❛ Maybe the definition of home is the place where you are never forgiven. So you may always belong there, bound by guilt. And maybe the cost of belonging is worth it. ❜ ❨772❩ ❛ Cross a man and you struggle, one of you wins, you adjust and go on -- or you lie there dead. Cross a woman and the entire universe is changed. ❜ ❨773❩ ❛ That was such a wonderful time, even in its strangeness and sadness. Life isn't the same now. It's wonderful, but it isn't the same. ❜ ❨774❩ ❛ I don't care for approval, and I don't mind doing without. ❜ ❨775❩ ❛ It's where I live. A permanent state of bereavement. This is nothing new. ❜ ❨776❩ ❛ Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. Always the godfather, never the god. ❜ ❨777❩ ❛ The world unwraps itself to you, again and again as soon as you are ready to see it anew. ❜ ❨778❩ ❛ Evil is an act, not an appetite. Everyone has the appetite. If you give in to it, that act is evil. The appetite is normal. ❜ ❨779❩ ❛ How many haven't wanted to slash the throat of some boor across the dining room table?  ❜ ❨780❩ ❛ Even God used silence as a strategy. ❜ ❨781❩ ❛ I learned failure early and mastered it. ❜ ❨782❩ ❛ It isn't whether you do it well or ill, it's that you do it all. ❜ ❨783❩ ❛ This is why you shouldn't fall in love, it blinds you. Love is a very wicked distraction. ❜ ❨784❩ ❛ Wisdom is not the understanding of mystery. Wisdom is accepting that mystery is beyond understanding. That's what makes it mystery. ❜ ❨785❩ ❛ Wrong takes an awful long time to be proven, in my experience. ❜ ❨786❩ ❛ Such brightness, as you know, decays brilliantly. ❜ ❨787❩ ❛ I take responsibility only for the future, not the past. The past can't hurt you the way the future can. ❜ ❨788❩ ❛ Tell me to mind my own business, tell me to go fuck myself, to piss off, go on, say it, but don’t tell me nothing’s wrong. ❜ ❨789❩ ❛ The truth isn't a thing of fact or reason. It is simply what everyone agrees on. ❜ ❨790❩ ❛ One can't make peace with another by force. ❜ ❨791❩ ❛ I am a forgettable leaf on a tree. ❜ ❨792❩ ❛ That's all I want; --- to do no harm. ❜ ❨793❩ ❛ I only believe in the opposite of luck, whatever that is. ❜ ❨794❩ ❛ Human beings are not born once and for all on the day their mothers give birth to them, life obliges them over and over again to give birth to themselves. ❜ ❨795❩ ❛ You’re too young to know that the heart's memory eliminates the bad and magnifies the good, and thanks to that we manage to endure the burden of the past. ❜ ❨796❩ ❛ Love, no matter what else it might be, is a natural talent. You are either born knowing how, or you never know. ❜ ❨797❩ ❛ Whatever you do, you will be sorry all the rest of your life. ❜ ❨798❩ ❛ There is no God worth worrying about. ❜ ❨799❩ ❛ The only regret I will have in dying is if it is not for love. ❜ ❨800❩ ❛ Wisdom comes to us when it can no longer do any good. ❜ ❨801❩ ❛ Think of love as a state of grace, not the means to anything, but the very end in itself. ❜ ❨802❩ ❛ Only God knows how much I love you. ❜ ❨803❩ ❛ There is no greater glory than to die for love. ❜ ❨804❩ ❛ Nothing resembles a person as much as the way he dies. ❜ ❨805❩ ❛ Take advantage of it now, while you are young, and suffer all you can, because these things don't last your whole life. ❜ ❨806❩ ❛ Today, when I saw you, I realised that what is between us is nothing more than an illusion. ❜ ❨807❩ ❛ I have waited for this opportunity for more than half a century. ❜ ❨808❩ ❛ I want to be myself again, to recover all that I was obliged to give up. ❜ ❨809❩ ❛ The only thing worse than bad health is a bad name. ❜ ❨810❩ ❛ This soup tastes like windows. ❜ ❨811❩ ❛ Why do you insist on talking about what does not exist? ❜ ❨812❩ ❛ One has to live a long time to know a man's true nature. ❜ ❨813❩ ❛ No, not rich, I am a poor man with money, which is not the same thing. ❜ ❨814❩ ❛ My heart has more rooms than a whorehouse. ❜ ❨815❩ ❛ That may be the reason he does so many things, so that he will not have to think. ❜ ❨816❩ ❛ Love if it exists, is something separate: another life. ❜ ❨817❩ ❛ Things did not go as badly for me as they would for you. ❜ ❨818❩ ❛ There are things you do only for love. ❜ ❨819❩ ❛ I’ll have plenty of time to rest when I die. ❜ ❨820❩ ❛ There is no innocence more dangerous than the innocence of age. ❜ ❨821❩ ❛ You treat me as if I were just anybody. ❜ ❨822❩ ❛ The symptoms of love are the same as those of cholera. ❜ ❨823❩ ❛ There is no law, human or divine, that you have not ignored. ❜ ❨824❩ ❛ Why is it that I feel I've known you so many years? ❜ ❨825❩ ❛ Stuff your eyes with wonder, live as if you'd drop dead in ten seconds. See the world. It's more fantastic than any dream made or paid for in factories. ❜ ❨826❩ ❛ It doesn't matter what you do, so long as you change something from the way it was before you touched it into something that's like you after you take your hands away. ❜ ❨827❩ ❛ We need to be really bothered once in a while. How long is it since you were really bothered? About something important, about something real? ❜ ❨828❩ ❛ There must be something, something we can’t imagine, to make a woman stay in a burning house; there must be something there. You don’t stay for nothing. ❜ ❨829❩ ❛ If you hide your ignorance, no one will hit you and you'll never learn. ❜ ❨830❩ ❛ If you drown, at least die knowing you were heading for shore. ❜ ❨831❩ ❛ You can't make people listen. They have to come round in their own time, wondering what happened and why the world blew up around them. ❜ ❨832❩ ❛ It was a pleasure to burn. ❜ ❨833❩ ❛ I'm antisocial, they say. I don't mix. It's so strange. I'm very social indeed. It all depends on what you mean by social, doesn't it? ❜ ❨834❩ ❛ Being with people is nice. But I don't think it's social to get a bunch of people together and then not let them talk, do you? ❜ ❨835❩ ❛ Do you notice how people hurt each other nowadays? ❜ ❨836❩ ❛ Who knows who might be the target of the well-read man? ❜ ❨837❩ ❛ I don't talk things. I talk the meaning of things. ❜ ❨838❩ ❛ I'll hold on to the world tight some day. I've got one finger on it now; that's a beginning. ❜ ❨839❩ ❛ I just want someone to hear what I have to say. And maybe if I talk long enough it'll make sense. ❜ ❨840❩ ❛ That's the good part of dying; when you've nothing to lose, you run any risk you want. ❜ ❨841❩ ❛ Someday we'll build the biggest goddamn steamshovel in history and dig the biggest grave of all time and shove war in it and cover it up. ❜ ❨842❩ ❛ You're not like the others. I've seen a few; I know. When I talk, you look at me. ❜ ❨843❩ ❛ You're afraid of making mistakes. Don't be. Mistakes can be profited by. ❜ ❨844❩ ❛ When they give you lined paper, write the other way. ❜ ❨845❩ ❛ The sun burnt every day. It burnt time. ❜ ❨846❩ �� We have everything we need to be happy but we aren't happy. Something is missing. ❜ ❨847❩ ❛ I feel I'm doing what I should've done a lifetime ago. ❜ ❨848❩ ❛ I'm not afraid. Maybe it's because I'm doing the right thing at last. Maybe it's because I've done a rash thing and don't want to look the coward to you. ❜ ❨849❩ ❛ Good God, who were those men? I never saw them before in my life! ❜ ❨850❩ ❛ How do you get so empty? Who takes it out of you? ❜ ❨851❩ ❛ It must be right. It seems so right. ❜ ❨852❩ ❛ To everything there is a season. Yes. A time to break down, and a time to build up. A time to keep silence and a time to speak. ❜ ❨853❩ ❛ It's my game. And no one can help me. Not even you. ❜ ❨854❩ ❛ What makes earth feel like hell is our expectation that it should feel like heaven. Earth is earth. Dead is dead. You’ll find out for yourself soon enough. ❜ ❨855❩ ❛ Death is a long process. Your body is just the first part of you that croaks. Beyond that, your dreams have to die. Then your expectations. Your anger and memories must die. Your ego. Your pride and shame and ambition and hope. ❜ ❨856❩ ❛ Help me give up my addiction to hope. ❜ ❨857❩ ❛ Life is short, death is forever. ❜ ❨858❩ ❛ Hope is something really tough and tenacious you have to give up. It’s an addiction to break. ❜ ❨859❩ ❛ If the living are haunted by the dead, then the dead are haunted by their own mistakes. ❜ ❨860❩ ❛ We all wish to be pursued. We all long to be desired. ❜ ❨861❩ ❛ All the demons of hell formerly reigned as gods in previous cultures. No it's not fair, but one man's god is another man's devil. ❜ ❨862❩ ❛ I can become someone else, not out of pressure and desperation, but merely because a new life sounds fun or interesting or joyful. ❜ ❨863❩ ❛ It's my petty fear of personal rejection that allows so many true evils to exist. My cowardice enables atrocities. ❜ ❨864❩ ❛ You fucked up. Game over. So just relax. ❜ ❨865❩ ❛ The greatest weapon any warrior can carry into battle is absolute certainty of her eternal soul. ❜ ❨866❩ ❛ If killing you will end my existence as well, be it. Small loss. Such a life, as your puppet, is not worth living. ❜ ❨867❩ ❛ I might be a touch of a sadist and a little bit jejune but at least I'm not a victim, not any longer. I hope. ❜ ❨868❩ ❛ Dying seems like the greatest weakness, and in a world where people say you're lazy for not shaving your legs, then being dead seems like the ultimate character flaw. ❜ ❨869❩ ❛ Any concept of right versus wrong, is merely a cultural construct relative to one specific time and place. ❜ ❨870❩ ❛ To prove that I exist I must kill you. ❜ ❨871❩ ❛ I'd say that my life has been a way-too-long case history of chasing rainbows. ❜ ❨872❩ ❛ The world is a battle for attention, a war to be heard. ❜ ❨873❩ ❛ Every garden looks beautiful in May. ❜ ❨874❩ ❛ When we neglect to fear such brittle monstrosity, we render it powerless. ❜ ❨875❩ ❛ My taste for power continues to grow, as does my ability to accrue it. ❜ ❨876❩ ❛ Such language! Why don't you just take a dump in my ears? ❜ ❨877❩ ❛ You’d be foolish to count on people displaying high standards of honesty. ❜ ❨878❩ ❛ Depending on her mood, she can be more frightening than any demon or devil you might ever run across. ❜ ❨879❩ ❛ Cross your fingers! Maybe death won't happen to you. ❜ ❨880❩ ❛ Do not die while wearing cheap shoes. ❜ ❨881❩ ❛ Old habits die hard. ❜ ❨882❩ ❛ It's our attachments to a fixed identity that torture us. ❜ ❨883❩ ❛ What do I think I am? In a thousand words; I don't have a clue. ❨884❩ ❛ If I am to be saved it is because your love redeems me. ❜ ❨885❩ ❛ All I wanted was to be loved for myself. ❜ ❨886❩ ❛ I have tasted all the happiness the world can offer. ❜ ❨887❩ ❛ Shall we pity him? Shall we curse him? ❜ ❨888❩ ❛ You have a heart that can hold the entire empire of the world. ❜ ❨889❩ ❛ Look, I am not laughing now, crying, crying for you. ❜ ❨890❩ ❛ Tonight I gave you my soul, and I am dead. ❜ ❨891❩ ❛ You are afraid of me! And yet I am not really wicked. Love me and you shall see! ❜ ❨892❩ ❛ Are people so unhappy when they love? --- Yes, when they love and are not sure of being loved. ❜ ❨893❩ ❛ Your soul is a beautiful thing. No emperor received so fair a gift. The angels wept tonight. ❜ ❨894❩ ❛ Blood!...Blood!... That's a good thing! ❜ ❨895❩ ❛ Now I want to live like everybody else. I want to have a life like everybody else. ❜ ❨896❩ ❛ You will be the happiest of women. And we will sing, all by ourselves, till we swoon away with delight. ❜ ❨897❩ ❛ I should be as gentle as a lamb; and you could do anything with me that you pleased. ❜ ❨898❩ ❛ I am going to die of love, I am dying of love. That's how it is. I loved you so. I still love you so. ❜ ❨899❩ ❛ I am dying of love for her, I tell you! If only you knew how beautiful she was when she let me kiss her. ❜ ❨900❩ ❛ He fills me with horror but I do not hate him. How can I hate him? ❜ ❨901❩ ❛ Holy angel, in Heaven blessed, my spirit longs with thee to rest. ❜ ❨902❩ ❛ Nothing is colder or more dead than my heart. ❜ ❨903❩ ❛ I had loved an angel and now I despise a woman. ❜ ❨904❩ ❛ Our lives are one masked ball. ❜ ❨905❩ ❛ Why do you condemn a man whom you have never met, whom no one knows and about whom even you yourself know nothing? ❜ ❨906❩ ❛ He would commit murder for me. ❜ ❨907❩ ❛ If I don't save her from the hands of that humbug, she is lost. But I shall save her. ❜ ❨908❩ ❛ We will go from here together or die together. ❜ ❨909❩ ❛ Your fear, your terror, all of that is just love and love of the most exquisite kind, the kind which people do not admit even to themselves. The kind that gives you a thrill, when you think of it. ❜ ❨910❩ ❛ Destiny has chained you to me forever. ❜ ❨911❩ ❛ You must never ask me that. ❜ ❨912❩ ❛ Are you afraid that you will change your mind? ❜ ❨913❩ ❛ You must come and fetch me in my dressing room at midnight exactly. ❜ ❨914❩ ❛ The holes in your life are permanent. You have to grow around them, like tree roots around concrete; you mould yourself through the gaps. ❜ ❨915❩ ❛ I have never understood how people can blithely disregard the damage they do by following their hearts. ❜ ❨916❩ ❛ There’s something comforting about the sight of strangers safe at home. ❜ ❨917❩ ❛ I have lost control over everything, even the places in my head. ❜ ❨918❩ ❛ It’s possible to miss what you’ve never had, to even mourn for it. ❜ ❨919❩ ❛ There’s nothing so painful, so corrosive, as suspicion. ❜ ❨920❩ ❛ When did you become so weak? ❜ ❨921❩ ❛ I don’t know where that strength went, I don’t remember losing it. I think that over time it got chipped away, bit by bit, by life, by the living of it. ❜ ❨922❩ ❛ Let’s be honest: women are still only really valued for two things—their looks and their role as mothers. ❜ ❨923❩ ❛ Sadness gets boring after a while, for the sad person and for everyone around them. ❜ ❨924❩ ❛ I’m playing at real life instead of actually living it. ❜ ❨925❩ ❛ I’ve just got to let myself feel the pain, because if I don’t, if I keep numbing it, it’ll never really go away. ❜ ❨926❩ ❛ I am not the girl I used to be. I am no longer desirable, I’m off-putting in some way. It’s as if people can see the damage written all over me, can see it in my face, the way I hold myself, the way I move. ❜ ❨927❩ ❛ Who was it that said following your heart is a good thing? It is pure egotism, a selfishness to conquer all. ❜ ❨928❩ ❛ It’s impossible to resist the kindness of strangers. ❜ ❨929❩ ❛ Sometimes I catch myself trying to remember the last time I had meaningful physical contact with another person, just a hug or a heartfelt squeeze of my hand, and my heart twitches. ❜ ❨930❩ ❛ I have to find a way of making myself happy, I have to stop looking for happiness elsewhere. ❜ ❨931❩ ❛ How did I find myself here? I wonder where it started, my decline; I wonder at what point I could have halted it. Where did I take the wrong turn? ❜ ❨932❩ ❛ Now look -- Now look what you made me do. ❜ ❨933❩ ❛ It’s okay, whatever you did, whatever you’ve done: you suffered, you hurt, you deserve forgiveness. ❜ ❨934❩ ❛ They’re what I lost, they’re everything I want to be. ❜ ❨935❩ ❛ You broke me and I broke us. ❜ ❨936❩ ❛ I’ve been the fool. If he does it with you, he’ll do it to you. ❜ ❨937❩ ❛ I’d never realised, not until now, how shameful it is to be pitied. ❜ ❨938❩ ❛ Sometimes, I don’t want to go anywhere, I think I’ll be happy if I never have to set foot outside the house again. ❜ ❨939❩ ❛ I don’t believe in soul mates, but there’s an understanding between us that I just haven’t felt before, or at least, not for a long time. ❜ ❨940❩ ❛ There can be no greater agony, nothing can be more painful than the not knowing, which will never end. ❜ ❨941❩ ❛ Being the other woman is a huge turn-on, there’s no point in denying it: you’re the one he can’t help but betray his wife for, even though he loves her. That’s just how irresistible you are. ❜ ❨942❩ ❛ I feel a rush of gratitude so strong, it feels almost like love. ❜ ❨943❩ ❛ You don’t know how determined I can be. Once I’ve made my mind up, I’m a force to be reckoned with. ❜ ❨944❩ ❛ The more I want to be oblivious, the less I can be. Life and light will not let me be. ❜ ❨945❩ ❛ You don’t have to be afraid of being alone. It’s not the worst thing, is it? ❜ ❨946❩ ❛ I have felt this way before. On a larger scale, to a more intense degree, of course, but I remember the quality of the pain. You don’t forget it. ❜ ❨947❩ ❛ If he thinks I’m going to sit around crying, he’s got another thing coming. ❜ ❨948❩ ❛ I don’t like to lose. It’s not like me. None of this is like me. I don’t get rejected. I’m the one who walks away. ❜ ❨949❩ ❛ I don’t remember anger, raging fury. I remember fear. ❜ ❨950❩ ❛ I can’t sleep. I haven’t slept in days. I hate it, hate insomnia more than anything, just lying there, brain going round, tick, tick, tick, tick. ❜ ❨951❩ ❛ Maybe the courage I need has nothing to do with telling the truth and everything to do with walking away. ❜ ❨952❩ ❛ I’m not beautiful, and I can’t have kids, so what does that make me? Worthless. ❜ ❨953❩ ❛ Failure cloaked me like a mantle, it overwhelmed me, dragged me under and I gave up hope. ❜ ❨954❩ ❛ It’s an odd thing to say, but I think this all the time; I don’t feel bad enough. ❜ ❨955❩ ❛ Some battles aren’t worth fighting. ❜ ❨956❩ ❛ I never felt guilty. I pretended I did. I had to. ❜ ❨957❩ ❛ I never meant for any of this to happen, we fell in love, what could we do? ❜ ❨958❩ ❛ What bothers me most is that I haven’t got to the end of my story, and I can’t start over with someone else, it’s too hard. ❜ ❨959❩ ❛ A person is, among all else, a material thing, easily torn and not easily mended. ❜ ❨960❩ ❛ It isn’t only wickedness and scheming that make people unhappy, it is confusion and misunderstanding. ❜ ❨961❩ ❛ Falling in love can be achieved in a single word—a glance. ❜ ❨962❩ ❛ Though you think the world is at your feet, it can rise up and tread on you. ❜ ❨963❩ ❛ I’ve never had a moment’s doubt. I love you. I believe in you completely. You are my dearest one. My reason for life. ❜ ❨964❩ ❛ It might hurt, it is horribly inconvenient, no good might come of it, but it is what it is to be in love. ❜ ❨965❩ ❛ It was always an impossible task, and that was precisely the point. ❜ ❨966❩ ❛ Come back, come back to me. ❜ ❨967❩ ❛ In my thoughts I make love to you all day long. ❜ ❨968❩ ❛ The truth is I feel rather light headed and foolish in your presence and I don’t think I can blame the heat. ❜ ❨969❩ ❛ Beauty occupies a narrow band. Ugliness, on the other hand, has infinite variation. ❜ ❨970❩ ❛ Is there any meaning in my life that the inevitable death awaiting me does not destroy? ❜ ❨971❩ ❛ However, withered, I still feel myself to be exactly the same person I’ve always been. ❜ ❨972❩ ❛ Hate is a feeling as pure as love, but dispassionate and icily rational. ❜ ❨973❩ ❛ I’m going mad. Let me not be mad. ❜ ❨974❩ ❛ Is everyone really as alive as I am? ❜ ❨975❩ ❛ Every now and then, quite unintentionally, someone teaches you something about yourself. ❜ ❨976❩ ❛ Something has happened, hasn’t it? ❜ ❨977❩ ❛ I like to think that it isn’t weakness or evasion, but a final act of kindness. ❜ ❨978❩ ❛ Is it possible that I am, in the modern term, in denial? ❜ ❨979❩ ❛ How could anyone presume to know the world through the eyes of an insect? ❜ ❨980❩ ❛ Not everything has a cause. Some things are simply so. ❜ ❨981❩ ❛ I’ll be quite honest with you. I’m torn between breaking your neck here and throwing you down the stairs. ❜ ❨982❩ ❛ How old do you have to be before you know the difference between right and wrong? ❜ ❨983❩ ❛ It was never meant to be read. ❜ ❨984❩ ❛ If I fell in the river, would you save me? ❜ ❨985❩ ❛ That was an incredibly bloody stupid thing to do. ❜ ❨986❩ ❛ I want to thank you for saving my life. I’ll be eternally grateful to you. ❜ ❨987❩ ❛ I’m very, very sorry for the terrible distress that I have caused. I’m very, very sorry. ❜ ❨988❩ ❛ Don’t call me that! – Please don’t call me that. ❜ ❨989❩ ❛ It may be the wrong decision, but fuck it, it’s mine. ❜ ❨990❩ ❛ Like patience, passion comes from the same Latin root: pati. It does not mean to flow with exuberance. It means to suffer. ❜ ❨991❩ ❛ No one ever really gets used to nightmares. ❜ ❨992❩ ❛ I still get nightmares. In fact, I get them so often I should be used to them by now. I’m not. ❜ ❨993❩ ❛ Sublime is something you choke on after a shot of tequila. ❜ ❨994❩ ❛ Some people reflect light, some deflect it, you by some miracle, seem to collect it. ❜ ❨995❩ ❛ Beautiful women are always drawn to men they think will keep them beautiful. ❜ ❨996❩ ❛ The ruminations are mine, let the world be yours. ❜ ❨997❩ ❛ You will fulfil a promise I made years ago but failed to keep. ❜ ❨998❩ ❛ Darkness never satisfies. Especially if it takes something away which it almost always invariably does. ❜ ❨999❩ ❛ I want something else. I’m not even sure what to call it anymore. ❜ ❨1000❩ ❛ What can I say, I’m a sucker for abandoned stuff, misplaced stuff, forgotten stuff, any old stuff. ❜ ❨1001❩ ❛ Is it possible to love something so much, you imagine it wants to destroy you only because it has denied you? ❜ ❨1002❩ ❛ It’s just silent, no sound at all. It’s like something’s waiting. ❜ ❨1003❩ ❛ I guess I’m hoping the weapons will make me feel better, grant me some kind of fucking control. ❜ ❨1004❩ ❛ Oh and something else: – Fuck you. ❜ ❨1005❩ ❛ God I’ve never been afraid like this. ❜ ❨1006❩ ❛ I miss you. I love you. There’s no second I’ve lived that you can’t call your own. ❜ ❨1007❩ ❛ I’m so tired. Sleep’s been stalking me for too long to remember. Inevitable I suppose. ❜ ❨1008❩ ❛ Not seeing the rip doesn’t mean you automatically get to keep clear of the Hey-I’m-Bleeding part. ❜ ❨1009❩ �� These days fantasies flourish and die like summer flies. ❜ ❨1010❩ ❛ Yeah I know, I know. This shit’s getting ridiculous. ❜ ❨1011❩ ❛ ‘Fuck’ and 'fall for’ have very different meanings. The first one you do as much as you can. The second one you never ever, ever do. ❜ ❨1012❩ ❛ It’s a nice idea but it reeks of hope. False hope. ❜ ❨1013❩ ❛ It’s, well…one thing in two words: fucked up…very fucked up. Okay three words, four words, who the hell cares…very very fucked up. ❜ ❨1014❩ ❛ Do you think I could spend the night at your place?  ❜ ❨1015❩ ❛ Any fool can pray. ❜ ❨1016❩ ❛ I feel like I haven’t slept in months. My neighbours are scared of me. ❜ ❨1017❩ ❛ I’ve lost my mind? Maybe, maybe, maybe. Maybe I’m just really drunk. ❜ ❨1018❩ ❛ Perhaps by cleaning out my system I’ll come to a clearing where I can ease myself into peace. ❜ ❨1019❩ ❛ I should be dead. Why am I still here? ❜ ❨1020❩ ❛ Fuck if I know. Your guess is as good as mine. ❜ ❨1021❩ ❛ You are my flesh. You are my bones. I know you too well. I read you too perfectly. ❜ ❨1022❩ ❛ Not all complex problems have easy solutions. ❜ ❨1023❩ ❛ Do you believe in God? I don’t think I ever asked you that one. ❜ ❨1024❩ ❛ We all create stories to protect ourselves. ❜ ❨1025❩ ❛ Are you kidding me? This place is scary. ❜ ❨1026❩ ❛ These days the only thing that gets me outside is when I say: Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck you. Fuck me. Fuck this. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. ❜ ❨1027❩ ❛ You like that crap because it reminds you of you. ❜ ❨1028❩ ❛ You may suddenly realise things are not how you perceived them to be at all. ❜ ❨1029❩ ❛ The two hardest tests are the patience to wait for the right moment and the courage not to be disappointed with what we encounter. ❜ ❨1030❩ ❛ People never learn anything by being told, they have to find out for themselves. ❜ ❨1031❩ ❛ Be crazy! But learn how to be crazy without being the center of attention. Be brave enough to live different. ❜ ❨1032❩ ❛ You are someone who is different, but who wants to be the same as everyone else. And that in my view is a serious illness. ❜ ❨1033❩ ❛ God chose you to be different. ❜ ❨1034❩ ❛ Why are you disappointing God with this kind of attitude? ❜ ❨1035❩ ❛ You have two choices, to control your mind or to let your mind control you. ❜ ❨1036❩ ❛ Everyone is indeed crazy, but the craziest are the ones who don't know they're crazy; they just keep repeating what others tell them to. ❜ ❨1037❩ ❛ Haven't you learned anything, not even with the approach of death?  ❜ ❨1038❩ ❛ If people don't like it, they can complain. And if they don't have the courage to complain, that's their problem. ❜ ❨1039❩ ❛ Nothing in this world happens by chance. ❜ ❨1040❩ ❛ I want to continue living my life the way I dream it, and not the way the other people want it to be. ❜ ❨1041❩ ❛ Be like the fountain that overflows, not like the cistern that merely contains. ❜ ❨1042❩ ❛ Collective madness is called sanity. ❜ ❨1043❩ ❛ Consider each day a miracle - which indeed it is, when you consider the number of unexpected things that could happen in each second of our fragile existences. ❜ ❨1044❩ ❛ You say they create their own reality, but what is reality? ❜ ❨1045❩ ❛ Many people don't allow themselves to love because there are a lot of things at risk. A lot of future and a lot of past. ❜ ❨1046❩ ❛ Death frees from the fear of dying. ❜ ❨1047❩ ❛ The danger of an adventure is worth a thousand days of ease and comfort. ❜ ❨1048❩ ❛ The happier people can be, the unhappier they are. ❜ ❨1049❩ ❛ Life is always a matter of waiting for the right moment to act. ❜ ❨1050❩ ❛ It's best to accept life as it really is and not as you imagined it to be. ❜ ❨1051❩ ❛ You don't seem mad at all. ❜ ❨1052❩ ❛ We’re allowed to make a lot of mistakes in our lives, except the mistake that destroys us. ❜ ❨1053❩ ❛ You’re what you are, not what others make of you. ❜ ❨1054❩ ❛ Am I cured? ❜ ❨1055❩ ❛ Real love changes and grows with time and discovers new ways of expressing itself. ❜ ❨1056❩ ❛ A lot of people think something is right, and so that thing becomes right. Is that it? ❜ ❨1057❩ ❛ They think they're normal, because they all do the same thing. ❜ ❨1058❩ ❛ I didn't know that other ‘me’s existed inside me, ‘Me’s that I could love. ❜ ❨1059❩ ❛ I have no idea what's awaiting me. ❜ ❨1060❩ ❛ What will happen when this all ends? ❜ ❨1061❩ ❛ I know that you are capable of great deeds. ❜ ❨1062❩ ❛ A loveless world is a dead world, and always there comes an hour when one is weary of prisons, of one's work, and of devotion to duty, and all one craves for is a loved face, the warmth and wonder of a loving heart. ❜ ❨1063❩ ❛ The truth is that everyone is bored. ❜ ❨1064❩ ❛ I feel more fellowship with the defeated than with saints. Heroism and sanctity don't really appeal to me, I imagine. ❜ ❨1065❩ ❛ If there is one thing one can always yearn for, and sometimes attain, it is human love. ❜ ❨1066❩ ❛ Who would dare to assert that eternal happiness can compensate for even a single moment's suffering? ❜ ❨1067❩ ❛ It's not easy. I've been thinking it over for years. ❜ ❨1068❩ ❛ While we loved each other we didn't need words to make ourselves understood. ❜ ❨1069❩ ❛ People are more often bad than good. ❜ ❨1070❩ ❛ I don't believe in heroism; I know it's easy and I've learned that it can be murderous. ❜ ❨1071❩ ❛ What interests me is living and dying for what one loves. ❜ ❨1072❩ ❛ In fact, nobody is capable of really thinking about anyone, even in the worst calamity. ❜ ❨1073❩ ❛ Nothing in the world is worth turning one's back on what one loves. ❜ ❨1074❩ ❛ Again and again there comes a time in history when the man who dares to say that two and two make four is punished with death. ❜ ❨1075❩ ❛ There are more things to admire in men then to despise. ❜ ❨1076❩ ❛ It is in the thick of calamity that one gets hardened to the truth - in other words, to silence. ❜ ❨1077❩ ❛ What on earth prompted you to take a hand in this? ❜ ❨1078❩ ❛ Your code of morals? What code, if I may ask? ❜ ❨1079❩ ❛ I'm fumbling in the dark, struggling to make something out. But I've long ceased finding anything. ❜ ❨1080❩ ❛ No doubt our love is still there, but quite simply it is unusable, heavy to carry, inert inside of us, sterile as crime or condemnation. ❜ ❨1081❩ ❛ I’m not happy to go, but one needn't be happy to make another start. ❜ ❨1082❩ ❛ I am incapable of suffering for a long time, or being happy for a long time. Which means that I am incapable of anything really worth while. ❜ ❨1083❩ ❛ I should have found the words to keep her with me. ❜ ❨1084❩ ❛ We can't stir a finger in this world without the risk of bringing death to somebody. ❜ ❨1085❩ ❛ The evil that is in the world comes out of ignorance, and good intentions may do as much harm as malevolence, if they lack understanding. ❜ ❨1086❩ ❛ There are always flies and itches. That’s why life is difficult to live. ❜ ❨1087❩ ❛ The best protection against anything is a good bottle of wine. ❜ ❨1088❩ ❛ There is no peace without hope. ❜ ❨1089❩ ❛ It's enough for me to be sure that you and I exist at this moment. ❜ ❨1090❩ ❛ There is always something left to love. ❜ ❨1091❩ ❛ A person doesn’t die when he should but when he can. ❜ ❨1092❩ ❛ Things have a life of their own. It's simply a matter of waking up their souls. ❜ ❨1093❩ ❛ Tell me something: why are you fighting? ❜ ❨1094❩ ❛ I've come to realise only just now that I'm fighting because of pride. ❜ ❨1095❩ ❛ One minute of reconciliation is worth more than a whole life of friendship. ❜ ❨1096❩ ❛ It's better than not knowing why you're fighting. Or fighting, like you, for something that doesn't have any meaning for anyone. ❜ ❨1097❩ ❛ Holy Mother of God! ❜ ❨1098❩ ❛ A person does not belong to a place until there is someone dead under the ground. ❜ ❨1099❩ ❛ I was born a son of a bitch and I'm going to die a son of a bitch. ❜ ❨1100❩ ❛ Bad luck doesn't have any chinks in it. ❜ ❨1101❩ ❛ I plead youth as a mitigating circumstance. ❜ ❨1102❩ ❛ Get those bad thoughts out of your head. You're going to be happy. ❜ ❨1103❩ ❛ Children inherit their parents' madness. ❜ ❨1104❩ ❛ I'll turn to ashes in here but I won't give this miserable town the pleasure of seeing me weep. ❜ ❨1105❩ ❛ You would be good in a war. Where you put your eye, you put your bullet. ❜ ❨1106❩ ❛ Men demand much more than you think. ❜ ❨1107❩ ❛ Even the craziest and most persistent love is just a temporary truth. ❜ ❨1108❩ ❛ If we’re alone you can whisper in my ear any crap you can think of. ❜ ❨1109❩ ❛ You have taken this horrible game very seriously and you have done well because you are doing your duty. ❜ ❨1110❩ ❛ We have the right to pull down your pants and give you a whipping at the first sign of disrespect. ❜ ❨1111❩ ❛ What worries me is not your shooting me, because after all, for people like us it's a natural death. ❜ ❨1112❩ ❛ What worries me is that you've ended up as bad as they are. ❜ ❨1113❩ ❛ It is characteristic of men to deny hunger once their appetites are satisfied. ❜ ❨1114❩ ❛ Dying is much more difficult than one imagines. ❜ ❨1115❩ ❛ If you have to go crazy, please go crazy all by yourself! ❜ ❨1116❩ ❛ We have still not had a death. ❜ ❨1117❩ ❛ How awful, the way time passes. ❜ ❨1118❩ ❛ You may be in command of your war, but I'm in command of my house. ❜ ❨1119❩ ❛ I missed you every hour. ❜ ❨1120❩ ❛ You know what the worst part was? It caught me completely by surprise. ❜ ❨1121❩ ❛ I’ve risked my life for you. ❜ ❨1122❩ ❛ The problem with wanting is that it makes us weak. ❜ ❨1123❩ ❛ I love you, even the part of you that loved him. ❜ ❨1124❩ ❛ I’m sorry it took me so long to see you. ❜ ❨1125❩ ❛ I never really belonged anywhere. ❜ ❨1126❩ ❛ Thanks for being my best friend and making my life bearable.  ❜ ❨1127❩ ❛ Thanks for finding me. ❜ ❨1128❩ ❛ You and I are going to change the world. ❜ ❨1129❩ ❛ I’ve been waiting for you a long time. ❜ ❨1130❩ ❛ I’m not used to people trying to kill me. ❜ ❨1131❩ ❛ You’re shaking. ❜ ❨1132❩ ❛ There's nothing wrong with being a lizard. Unless you were born to be a hawk. ❜ ❨1133❩ ❛ Make me your villain. ❜ ❨1134❩ ❛ Just you and me. It’s always just you and me. ❜ ❨1135❩ ❛ Do you blame me for every mistake I made? For every dumb thing I’ve said? ❜ ❨1136❩ ❛ Well, if it gets too bad, give me a signal. ❜ ❨1137❩ ❛ Did you tell him what I showed you in the dark? ❜ ❨1138❩ ❛ Did you miss me when you were gone? ❜ ❨1139❩ ❛ What is infinite? The universe and the greed of men. ❜ ❨1140❩ ❛ You’re interfering with my plan. ❜ ❨1141❩ ❛ Too much champagne? ❜ ❨1142❩ ❛ I hope you don’t expect fairness from me. It isn’t one of my specialties. ❜ ❨1143❩ ❛ There is something more powerful than any army. Something strong enough to topple kings. Faith. ❜ ❨1144❩ ❛ All you said was that I had to kill you. You didn’t say how. ❜ ❨1145❩ ❛ What is she? She’s everything, you dumb son of a bitch. ❜ ❨1146❩ ❛ She’s an ugly little thing. No child should look like that. Pale and sour, like a glass of milk that’s turned. ❜ ❨1147❩ ❛ I wouldn’t make that mistake again. ❜ ❨1148❩ ❛ It’s a great honor, to save a life. You saved many. ❜ ❨1149❩ ❛ In this world, there are things you can only do alone. ❜ ❨1150❩ ❛ What seems like a reasonable distance to one person might feel too far to somebody else. ❜ ❨1151❩ ❛ If you really want to know something, you have to be willing to pay the price. ❜ ❨1152❩ ❛ Why should you be interested in me? ❜ ❨1153❩ ❛ I have been told I've got a darkish personality. A few times. ❜ ❨1154❩ ❛ It's not as if our lives are divided simply into light and dark. There's shadowy middle ground. ❜ ❨1155❩ ❛ I'll write to you. A super-long letter, like in an old-fashioned novel. ❜ ❨1156❩ ❛ The spotlight doesn't suit me. I'm more of a side dish. ❜ ❨1157❩ ❛ The ground we stand on looks solid enough, but if something happens it can drop right out from under you.  ❜ ❨1158❩ ❛ So once you're dead there's just nothing? ❜ ❨1159❩ ❛ If only I could fall sound asleep and wake up in my old reality. ❜ ❨1160❩ ❛ Is action merely the incidental product of thought, or is thought the consequential product of action? ❜ ❨1161❩ ❛ Nobody can shake off their own shadow. ❜ ❨1162❩ ❛ The silence is so deep it hurts. ❜ ❨1163❩ ❛ I may not look it, but I can be a very patient guy. ❜ ❨1164❩ ❛ Killing time is one of my specialities. ❜ ❨1165❩ ❛ You can't fight it. ❜ ❨1166❩ ❛ Tell me something,—do you believe in reincarnation? ❜ ❨1167❩ ❛ I can’t understand nothingness. I can’t understand it and I can’t imagine it. ❜ ❨1168❩ ❛ I can hardly breathe, and my whole body wants to shrink into a corner.  ❜ ❨1169❩ ❛ I do have a few things wrong with me, but those are strictly problems I keep inside. ❜ ❨1170❩ ❛ I can't take it any more, I can't go on any more. ❜ ❨1171❩ ❛ You don't really have it together. ❜ ❨1172❩ ❛ Is it against the law for me to know it? ❜ ❨1173❩ ❛ I keep having the same dream. ❜ ❨1174❩ ❛ Are you asking because you really want an answer? ❜ ❨1175❩ ❛ I hate this! I don't want to be changed this way! ❜ ❨1176❩ ❛ No contradictions, no irony. They do everything according to numerical formulas. ❜ ❨1177❩ ❛ Want to hear the rest? If you’re not interested, I can stop. ❜ ❨1178❩ ❛ If I didn’t have these memories inside me, I would’ve snapped a long time ago. I would’ve curled up in a ditch somewhere and died. ❜ ❨1179❩ ❛ I don’t know what you’re feeling. I won’t even pretend. ❜ ❨1180❩ ❛ What are you doing here, honey? ❜ ❨1181❩ ❛ You're not even old enough to know how bad life gets. ❜ ❨1182❩ ❛ You don't understand me. ❜ ❨1183❩ ❛ All wisdom ends in paradox. ❜ ❨1184❩ ❛ It is love that overthrows empire. Love that binds two hearts together, come hellfire & brimstone. ❜ ❨1185❩ ❛ I have lost my gift. ❜ ❨1186❩ ❛ Winter is the season of alcoholism and despair. ❜ ❨1187❩ ❛ The seeds of death get lost in the mess that God made us. ❜ ❨1188❩ ❛ They're just memories now. It’s time to forget. ❜ ❨1189❩ ❛ The time has to be right and the heart willing. ❜ ❨1190❩ ❛ The world, a tired performer, offers us another half-assed season. ❜ ❨1191❩ ❛ Capitalism has resulted in material well-being but spiritual bankruptcy. ❜ ❨1192❩ ❛ Grief is natural, overcoming it is a matter of choice. ❜ ❨1193❩ ❛ I want out of that decorating scheme. ❜ ❨1194❩ ❛ With most people suicide is like Russian roulette. Only one chamber has a bullet. ❜ ❨1195❩ ❛ You never get over it but you get where it doesn't bother you so much. ❜ ❨1196❩ ❛ Don't waste your time on life. ❜ ❨1197❩ ❛ I'm a teenager. I've got problems! ❜ ❨1198❩ ❛ Adolescents tend to seek love where they can find it. ❜ ❨1199❩ ❛ Obviously, you've never been a thirteen-year-old girl. ❜ ❨1200❩ ❛ It was a mistake. ❜ ❨1201��� ❛ It seemed like we were supposed to feel sorry for everything that ever happened, ever. ❜ ❨1202❩ ❛ Buffeted but not broken. ❜ ❨1203❩ ❛ Shit. What have kids got to be worried about now? ❜ ❨1204❩ ❛ If they want trouble, they should go live in Bangladesh. ❜ ❨1205❩ ❛ I can't wait until I get out of here. ❜ ❨1206❩ ❛ When she jumped she probably thought she’d fly. ❜ ❨1207❩ ❛ I do not think the patient truly meant to end her life. Her act was a cry for help. ❜ ❨1208❩ ❛ You're a stone fox. ❜ ❨1209❩ ❛ It was love at first sight, at last sight, at ever and ever sight. ❜ ❨1210❩ ❛ Light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. ❜ ❨1211❩ ❛ He broke my heart. You merely broke my life. ❜ ❨1212❩ ❛ I'm sorry to have deceived you so much, but that's how life is. ❜ ❨1213❩ ❛ Words without experience are meaningless. ❜ ❨1214❩ ❛ I loved you. I was a monster, but I loved you. ❜ ❨1215❩ ❛ Come just as you are. ❜ ❨1216❩ ❛ If a violin string could ache, i would be that string. ❜ ❨1217❩ ❛ Perhaps, somewhere, some day, at a less miserable time, we may see each other again. ❜ ❨1218❩ ❛ What's so dreadful about dying is that you are completely on your own. ❜ ❨1219❩ ❛ Don't touch me; I'll die if you touch me. ❜ ❨1220❩ ❛ You took advantage of my disadvantage. ❜ ❨1221❩ ❛ I walk in a maze I cannot get out of. ❜ ❨1222❩ ❛ Life is just one small piece of light between two eternal darknesses. ❜ ❨1223❩ ❛ Imagine me; I shall not exist if you do not imagine me. ❜ ❨1224❩ ❛ There is no harm in smiling. ❜ ❨1225❩ ❛ There is no point in staying here. There is no point in staying anywhere. ❜ ❨1226❩ ❛ There is nothing more atrociously cruel than an adored child. ❜ ❨1227❩ ❛ I am so tired of being cynical. ❜ ❨1228❩ ❛ Come to live with me, and die with me, and everything with me. ❜ ❨1229❩ ❛ This is the only immortality that you and I may share. ❜ ❨1230❩ ❛ I loved her more than anything I had ever seen or imagined on earth, or hoped for anywhere else. ❜ ❨1231❩ ❛ I was despicable and brutal, and turpid, and everything, mais je t’aimais, je t’aimais! ❜ ❨1232❩ ❛ Years of secret suffering has taught me superhuman self-control. ❜ ❨1233❩ ❛ Solitude is corrupting me. I need company and care. ❜ ❨1234❩ ❛ I've missed you terribly. ❜ ❨1235❩ ❛ I've been revoltingly unfaithful to you. ❜ ❨1236❩ ❛ It doesn't matter a bit, because you've stopped caring anyway. ❜ ❨1237❩ ❛ What makes you say I've stopped caring for you? ❜ ❨1238❩ ❛ Nowadays you have to be a scientist if you want to be a killer. ❜ ❨1239❩ ❛ The sun climbs high in the sky, then starts down. People come, then go. ❜ ❨1240❩ ❛ Tell me, have you ever thought of killing me? ❜ ❨1241❩ ❛ I can not believe you are the same human being. ❜ ❨1242❩ ❛ Just how urgent is it? ❜ ❨1243❩ ❛ It is time for you to be going. ❜ ❨1244❩ ❛ How is it you know something like that? ❜ ❨1245❩ ❛ I don’t mind. Your mess is my mess. ❜ ❨1246❩ ❛ Everybody has one thing they do not want to lose. ❜ ❨1247❩ ❛ I’ll be late tonight, so don’t wait up for me. ❜ ❨1248❩ ❛ Nothing I’ve tried to do by myself has ever come off. ❜ ❨1249❩ ❛ I am not catching you in the middle of anything important, am I? ❜ ❨1250❩ ❛ Some things are forgotten, some things disappear, some things die. ❜ ❨1251❩ ❛ My biggest fault is that the faults I was born with grow bigger each year. ❜ ❨1252❩ ❛ To get irritated is to lose our way in life. ❜ ❨1253❩ ❛ A friend to kill time is a friend sublime. ❜ ❨1254❩ ❛ I don't really know if it's the right thing to do. ❜ ❨1255❩ ❛ Faster cars and more cats run over? Who needs it? ❜ ❨1256❩ ❛ Most of everything you think you know about me is nothing more than memories. ❜ ❨1257❩ ❛ Your fate is and will always be the fate of a dreamer. ❜ ❨1258❩ ❛ You’re loads better than you think you are. ❜ ❨1259❩ ❛ You’re only half-living, the other half is still untapped somewhere. ❜ ❨1260❩ ❛ The song is over. But the melody lingers on. ❜ ❨1261❩ ❛ You are extraordinary. ❜ ❨1262❩ ❛ We tend to fool ourselves into thinking that time is our size, but it really goes on and on. ❜ ❨1263❩ ❛ It could be five years or ten years or one month. It's all the same. ❜ ❨1264❩ ❛ I’m forever realising things too late. ❜ ❨1265❩ ❛ I’m not complaining when I say my life is boring. ❜ ❨1266❩ ❛ Weakness is something that rots in the body. ❜ ❨1267❩ ❛ Coming from your mouth, it has the ring of truth, but I doubt anyone would believe me if I told them. ❜ ❨1268❩ ❛ You can't expect something unreal to last anyway, can you? ❜ ❨1269❩ ❛ A wise man does not step betwixt the beast and his meat. ❜ ❨1270❩ ❛ So, kill me. Tell the others I attacked you so you killed me. ❜ ❨1271❩ ❛ Should never have come here. ❜ ❨1272❩ ❛ Hard to guess my tastes. ❜ ❨1273❩ ❛ Can’t it wait until the morning? ❜ ❨1274❩ ❛ You’ll find temper tantrums won’t help you here. ❜ ❨1275❩ ❛ It must have taken courage to return. ❜ ❨1276❩ ❛ It all sounds grimly dystopian. ❜ ❨1277❩ ❛ I am not afraid of you! ❜ ❨1278❩ ❛ All this could be avoided! ❜ ❨1279❩ ❛ You consider me a murderer? ❜ ❨1280❩ ❛ Gross way to die. ❜ ❨1281❩ ❛ What sparks wars? The will to power, the backbone of human nature. ❜ ❨1282❩ ❛ My life amounts to no more than one drop in a limitless ocean. Yet what is any ocean, but a multitude of drops? ❜ ❨1283❩ ❛ Our lives are not our own. We are bound to others. ❜ ❨1284❩ ❛ I believe there is another world waiting for us. A better world. And I'll be waiting for you there. ❜ ❨1285❩ ❛ You are allowed to feel messed up and inside out. It doesn't mean you're defective - it just means you're human. ❜ ❨1286❩ ❛ Power, time, gravity, love. The forces that really kick ass are all invisible. ❜ ❨1287❩ ❛ Unlimited power in the hands of limited people always leads to cruelty. ❜ ❨1288❩ ❛ Truth is singular. Its 'versions' are mistruths. ❜ ❨1289❩ ❛ Dreams are all I have ever truly owned. ❜ ❨1290❩ ❛ Your version of the truth is the only thing that matters. ❜ ❨1291❩ ❛ I believe death is only a door. One closes, and another opens. ❜ ❨1292❩ ❛ By each crime and every kindness, we birth our future. ❜ ❨1293❩ ❛ The healthy can't understand the emptied, the broken. ❜ ❨1294❩ ❛ Lying's wrong, but when the world spins backwards, a small wrong may be a big right. ❜ ❨1295❩ ❛ The weak are meat the strong do eat. ❜ ❨1296❩ ❛ Do whatever you can't not do. ❜ ❨1297❩ ❛ What precipitates outcomes? Vicious acts & virtuous acts. ❜ ❨1298❩ ❛ I remain thankful to God for all his mercies. ❜ ❨1299❩ ❛ You can maintain power over people, as long as you give them something. Rob a man of everything, and that man will no longer be in your power. ❜ ❨1300❩ ❛ Power. The ability to determine another man's luck. ❜ ❨1301❩ ❛ Pain is strong, aye - but friends' eyes, more strong. ❜ ❨1302❩ ❛ Perhaps those deprived of beauty perceive it most instinctively. ❜ ❨1303❩ ❛ Why ask a question whose answer would demand ten more questions? ❜ ❨1304❩ ❛ You can’t lie to your soul. ❜ ❨1305❩ ❛ Why would I want to do a thing like that? ❜ ❨1306❩ ❛ We start off with high hopes, then we bottle it. ❜ ❨1307❩ ❛ Better to make life as complete and enjoyable an experience as possible, in case death is shite, which I suspect it will be. ❜ ❨1308❩ ❛ I’m not running away, I’m moving on. ❜ ❨1309❩ ❛ The reasons? There are no reasons. ❜ ❨1310❩ ❛ Some people are easier to love when you don’t have to be around them. ❜ ❨1311❩ ❛ Love does not exist. ❜ ❨1312❩ ❛ Fuck that ‘regrets’ bullshit. ❜ ❨1313❩ ❛ How does it make you feel? ❜ ❨1314❩ ❛ It’s horrible how we always die alone, but no worse than living alone. ❜ ❨1315❩ ❛ Choose us. Choose life. ❜ ❨1316❩ ❛ You fucking knew that fucking cunt would fuck some cunt. ❜ ❨1317❩ ❛ I’m more of a warrior than you’ll ever be. ❜ ❨1318❩ ❛ What does that make us? The lowest of the low, the scum of the earth. ❜ ❨1319❩ ❛ You don’t have to run away.  ❜ ❨1320❩ ❛ I tried to stop because it was only causing pain. I couldn’t. ❜ ❨1321❩ ❛ I’m not going to get crushed. ❜ ❨1322❩ ❛ I love doubt in a woman. It’s nearly as sexy as determination. ❜ ❨1323❩ ❛ Take your best orgasm, multiply the feeling by twenty. ❜ ❨1324❩ ❛ You’re a mess. ❜ ❨1325❩ ❛ I know that it’s never left you alone. ❜ ❨1326❩ ❛ Are you asking me or telling me? ❜ ❨1327❩ ❛ You just get used to all the shit. ❜ ❨1328❩ ❛ You can’t afford a conscience in this life. ❜ ❨1329❩ ❛ None of us are saints and scapegoats are always handy. ❜ ❨1330❩ ❛ Doing things doesn’t hurt you; you get hurt by avoiding them. ❜ ❨1331❩ ❛ What was that? ❜ ❨1332❩ ❛ Protect me from those who wish to help us. ❜ ❨1333❩ ❛ You can’t love yourself if you want to hurt things like that. ❜ ❨1334❩ ❛ What happens when people open their hearts? ❜ ❨1335❩ ❛ Nobody likes being alone that much. ❜ ❨1336❩ ❛ I don’t go out of my way to make friends, that’s all. It just leads to disappointment.” ❨1337❩ ❛ Don’t feel sorry for yourself. Only assholes do that. ❜ ❨1338❩ ❛ You need to grab whatever chance you have of happiness where you find it, and not worry about other people too much. ❜ ❨1339❩ ❛ I want you always to remember me. ❜ ❨1340❩ ❛ Despite your best efforts, people are going to be hurt when it’s time for them to be hurt. ❜ ❨1341❩ ❛ What stays in your heart will stay; keep them, and what vanishes will vanish. ❜ ❨1342❩ ❛ All I want in this world is you. ❜ ❨1343❩ ❛ I want the two of us to begin everything from the beginning. ❜ ❨1344❩ ❛ No truth can cure the sorrow we feel from losing a loved one. ❜ ❨1345❩ ❛ What a terrible thing it is to wound someone you really care for and to do it so unconsciously. ❜ ❨1346❩ ❛ If you’re in pitch blackness, all you can do is sit tight until your eyes get used to the dark. ❜ ❨1347❩ ❛ I’ve had enough hurt already in my life. More than enough. Now I want to be happy. ❜ ❨1348❩ ❛ People leave strange little memories of themselves behind when they die. ❜ ❨1349❩ ❛ Stop eating yourself up alive. Things will go where they’re supposed to go if you just let them take their natural course. ❜ ❨1350❩ ❛ When your feelings build up and harden and die inside, then you’re in big trouble. ❜ ❨1351❩ ❛ When you fall in love, the natural thing to do is give yourself to it. ❜ ❨1352❩ ❛ If I have left a wound inside you, it is not just your wound but mine as well. ❜ ❨1353❩ ❛ Hey, what is it with you? Why are you so spaced out? You still haven’t answered me. ❜ ❨1354❩ ❛ People are strange when you’re a stranger. ❜ ❨1355❩ ❛ The dead will always be dead, but we have to go on living. ❜ ❨1356❩ ❛ You don’t get it, do you? ❜ ❨1357❩ ❛ I am a flawed human being - a far more flawed human being than you ❨1358❩ realise. ❜ ❨1359❩ ❛ At least let me know whether or not I hurt you. ❜ ❨1360❩ ❛ All of us are imperfect human beings living in an imperfect world. ❜ ❨1361❩ ❛ I’ve never once thought about how I was going to die. ❜ ❨1362❩ ❛ So I’m not crazy after all! ❜ ❨1363❩ ❛ I miss you terribly sometimes, but in general I go on living with all the energy I can muster. ❜ ❨1364❩ ❛ Will you wait for me forever? ❜ ❨1365❩ ❛ I don’t want our relationship to end like this. ❜ ❨1366❩ ❛ When am I going to be able to talk to you? I want you to tell me that much, at least. ❜ ❨1367❩ ❛ It hurts not being able to see you. ❜ ❨1368❩ ❛ I’m not totally mad at you. I’m just sad. ❜ ❨1369❩ ❛ The world is an inherently unfair place. ❜ ❨1370❩ ❛ Life frightens me sometimes. I don’t happen to take that as the premise for everything else though. ❜ ❨1371❩ ❛ I’m a real bargain, don’t you think? If you don’t take me, I’ll end up going somewhere else. ❜ ❨1372❩ ❛ We’re all kind of weird and twisted and drowning. ❜ ❨1373❩ ❛ Don’t you think it would be wonderful to get rid of everything and everybody and just go some place where you don’t know a soul? ❜ ❨1374❩ ❛ You’re not telling me anything I don’t know already. ❜ ❨1375❩ ❛ He who controls the past controls the future. He who controls the present controls the past. ❜ ❨1376❩ ❛ If you want to keep a secret, you must also hide it from yourself. ❜ ❨1377❩ ❛ We shall meet in the place where there is no darkness. ❜ ❨1378❩ ❛ Until they become conscious they will never rebel. ❜ ❨1379❩ ❛ Power is not a means; it is an end. ❜ ❨1380❩ ❛ They are not interested in the good of others; they are interested solely in power, pure power. ❜ ❨1381❩ ❛ Now you begin to understand me. ❜ ❨1382❩ ❛ In the face of pain there are no heroes. ❜ ❨1383❩ ❛ Big Brother is watching you. ❜ ❨1384❩ ❛ Power is tearing human minds to pieces and putting them together again in new shapes of your own choosing. ❜ ❨1385❩ ❛ It’s a beautiful thing, the destruction of words. ❜ ❨1386❩ ❛ The choice for mankind lies between freedom and happiness and for the great bulk of mankind, happiness is better. ❜ ❨1387❩ ❛ Your mind appeals to me. It resembles my own mind. ❜ ❨1388❩ ❛ Reality exists in the human mind, and nowhere else. ❜ ❨1389❩ ❛ We do not merely destroy our enemies; we change them. ❜ ❨1390❩ ❛ How can I help it? How can I help but see what is in front of my eyes? ❜ ❨1391❩ ❛ You must try harder. ❜ ❨1392❩ ❛ Confession is not betrayal. ❜ ❨1393❩ ❛ What you say or do doesn’t matter; only feelings matter. ❜ ❨1394❩ ❛ If they could make me stop loving you —- that would be the real betrayal. ❜ ❨1395❩ ❛ Of pain you can wish only one thing: that it should stop. ❜ ❨1396❩ ❛ To die hating them, that will be freedom. ❜ ❨1397❩ ❛ No one ever seizes power with the intention of relinquishing it. ❜ ❨1398❩ ❛ What can you do against the lunatic who is more intelligent than yourself? ❜ ❨1399❩ ❛ To keep them in control is not difficult. ❜ ❨1400❩ ❛ So long as they are not permitted to have standards of comparison, they never even become aware that they are oppressed. ❜ ❨1401❩ ❛ The consequences of every act are included in the act itself. ❜ ❨1402❩ ❛ The essential act of war is destruction, not necessarily of human lives, but of the products of human labour. ❜ ❨1403❩ ❛ Stupidity is as necessary as intelligence, and as difficult to attain. ❜ ❨1404❩ ❛ I hate purity, I hate goodness! I don’t want virtue to exist anywhere. I want everyone to be corrupt to the bones. ❜ ❨1405❩ ❛ The past is dead, the future is unimaginable. ❜ ❨1406❩ ❛ You know the answer already. Everyone knows it. ❜ ❨1407❩ ❛ You don’t give a damn what they suffer. All you care is yourself. ❜ ❨1408❩ ❛ It is not easy to become sane. ❜ ❨1409❩ ❛ No emotion is pure anymore, because everything is mixed up with fear and hatred. ❜ ❨1410❩ ❛ They say that time heals all things —- they say you can always forget. ❜ ❨1411❩ ❛ The object of waging a war is always to be in a better position in which to wage another war. ❜ ❨1412❩ ❛ I sold you and you sold me. ❜ ❨1413❩ ❛ You do not exist. ❜ ❨1414❩ ❛ How does one man assert his power over another? By making him suffer. ❜ ❨1415❩ ❛ Obedience is not enough. Unless he is suffering, how can you be sure that he is obeying your will and not his own? ❜ ❨1416❩ ❛ Everything else we shall destroy – everything. ❜ ❨1417❩ ❛ Two and two makes five. ❜ ❨1418❩ ❛ Facts, at any rate, can not be kept hidden. ❜ ❨1419❩ ❛ The past is whatever the records and the memories agree upon. ❜ ❨1420❩ ❛ So long as human beings stay human, death and life are the same thing. ❜ ❨1421❩ ❛ If both the past and the external world exist only in the mind, and if the mind itself is controllable—what then? ❜ ❨1422❩ ❛ The lie became the truth. ❜ ❨1423❩ ❛ It is like swimming against a current that sweeps you backwards however hard you struggle. ❜ ❨1424❩ ❛ Turn round and go with the current instead of opposing it. ❜ ❨1425❩ ❛ It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything. ❜ ❨1426❩ ❛ I don’t want to die without any scars. ❜ ❨1427❩ ❛ This is your life and it’s ending one moment at a time. ❜ ❨1428❩ ❛ You know how they say you only hurt the ones you love? Well, it works both ways. ❜ ❨1429❩ ❛ You are not your job, you’re not how much money you have in the bank. You are not the car you drive. You’re not the contents of your wallet. ❜ ❨1430❩ ❛ You are not special. ❜ ❨1431❩ ❛ You’re not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You’re the same decaying organic matter as everything else. ❜ ❨1432❩ ❛ The things you used to own, now they own you. ❜ ❨1433❩ ❛ Today is the sort of day where the sun only comes up to humiliate you. ❜ ❨1434❩ ❛ Maybe we have to break everything to make something better out of ourselves. ❜ ❨1435❩ ❛ Only after disaster can we be resurrected. ❜ ❨1436❩ ❛ Everything is evolving, everything is falling apart. ❜ ❨1437❩ ❛ We’ve all been raised believe that one day we’d all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won’t. ❜ ❨1438❩ ❛ Don’t you have other things to do? ❜ ❨1439❩ ❛ Prove you’re alive. If you don’t claim your humanity you will become a statistic. ❜ ❨1440❩ ❛ You have been warned. ❜ ❨1441❩ ❛ If you don’t know what you want, you end up with a lot you don’t. ❜ ❨1442❩ ❛ It’s not love or anything, but I think I like you, too. ❜ ❨1443❩ ❛ If I could wake up in a different place, at a different time, could I wake up as a different person? ❜ ❨1444❩ ❛ Why did I cause so much pain? ❜ ❨1445❩ ❛ The lower you fall, the higher you’ll fly. ❜ ❨1446❩ ❛ Maybe self-improvement isn’t the answer, maybe self-destruction is the answer. ❜ ❨1447❩ ❛ May I never be complete. May I never be content. May I never be perfect. ❜ ❨1448❩ ❛ Everyone smiles with that invisible gun to their head. ❜ ❨1449❩ ❛ We are not special. We are not crap or trash, either. We just are. We just are, and what happens just happens. ❜ ❨1450❩ ❛ The girl is infectious human waste. ❜ ❨1451❩ ❛ I want to destroy everything beautiful I’ll never have. ❜ ❨1452❩ ❛ On a long enough time line, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero. ❜ ❨1453❩ ❛ If you could be either God’s worst enemy or nothing, which would you choose? ❜ ❨1454❩ ❛ It is like you’re never really awake; but you’re never really asleep. ❜ ❨1455❩ ❛ Worker bees can leave. Even drones can fly away. The Queen is their slave. ❜ ❨1456❩ ❛ A moment is the most you could ever expect from perfection. ❜ ❨1457❩ ❛ The people you’re trying to step on, we’re everyone you depend on. ❜ ❨1458❩ ❛ You have to give up! ❜ ❨1459❩ ❛ Reject the basic assumptions of civilisation, especially the importance of material possessions. ❜ ❨1460❩ ❛ Without pain, without sacrifice we would have nothing. ❜ ❨1461❩ ❛ You have to realise that someday you will die, Until you know that, you are useless. ❜ ❨1462❩ ❛ A tiger can smile. A snake will say it loves you. ❜ ❨1463❩ ❛ Lies make us evil. ❜ ❨1464❩ ❛ If you died right now, how would you feel about your life? ❜ ❨1465❩ ❛ You always kill the one you love. ❜ ❨1466❩ ❛ Maybe we should always assume the worst. ❜ ❨1467❩ ❛ Put a gun to my head and paint the wall with my brains. ❜ ❨1468❩ ❛ Which is worse? Hell or nothing? ❜ ❨1469❩ ❛ A minute of perfection is worth the effort. ❜ ❨1470❩ ❛ You’re going to die, tonight. You might die in one second or in one hour, you decide. ❜ ❨1471❩ ❛ Lie to me. Tell me the first thing off the top of your head. Make something up. ❜ ❨1472❩ ❛ I don’t give a shit. I have a gun. ❜ ❨1473❩ ❛ I know who you are. I know where you live. ❜ ❨1474❩ ❛ Tomorrow will be the most beautiful day of your life. ❜ ❨1475❩ ❛ My philosophy of life is that I can die at any moment. And the tragedy of my life is that I do not. ❜ ❨1476❩ ❛ Everything is so far away, a copy of a copy of a copy. You can’t touch anything and nothing can touch you. ❜ ❨1477❩ ❛ There are a lot of things we don’t want to know about the people we love. ❜ ❨1478❩ ❛ We just had a near-life experience. ❜ ❨1479❩ ❛ If people think you are dying, they give you their full attention. They listen instead of just waiting for their turn to speak. ❜ ❨1480❩ ❛ I am nothing, and not even that. ❜ ❨1481❩ ❛ This isn’t really death. —- We’ll be legends. We won’t grow old. ❜ ❨1482❩ ❛ Stop trying to control everything and just let go. Let go. ❜ ❨1483❩ ❛ The amazing miracle of death, when one second you’re walking and talking, and the next second you’re an object. ❜ ❨1484❩ ❛ Only if we’re caught and punished can we be saved. ❜ ❨1485❩ ❛ I never thought about how important the sky was until I didn't have one. ❜ ❨1486❩ ❛ Dreams are like that: they go in and out of memories and scenes, but they're never real. They're never real, and I hate them because they aren't. ❜ ❨1487❩ ❛ Power isn’t control at all — power is strength, and giving that strength to others. ❜ ❨1488❩ ❛ A leader isn’t someone who forces others to make him stronger. ❜ ❨1489❩ ❛ A leader is someone willing to give his strength to others that they may have the strength to stand on their own. ❜ ❨1490❩ ❛ In the end, we are alone. ❜ ❨1491❩ ❛ It is like a piece of my soul is lost, empty. ❜ ❨1492❩ ❛ If my life on Earth must end, let it end with a promise. Let it end with hope. ❜ ❨1493❩ ❛ Sorry? Sorry isn't enough. ❜ ❨1494❩ ❛ Every single thing I ever loved is beyond my reach now. Everything I ever wanted. Everything I ever was. ❜ ❨1495❩ ❛ Will you stay with me? ❜ ❨1496❩ ❛ A leader doesn't make pawns - he makes people. ❜ ❨1497❩ ❛ Do you hear that? The pulse of life from your heart, the slow in-and-out from your lungs? Even when you are silent, even when you block out all noise, your body is still a cacophony of life. Mine is not. ❜ ❨1498❩ ❛ It is the silence that drives me mad. The silence that drives the nightmares to me. ❜ ❨1499❩ ❛ There is nothing between us but rain. There is nothing between us at all. ❜ ❨1500❩ ❛ I like a little chaos. ❜

[geminisecrets]

How I'm Imagining You Part II

Warnings:  18+ ONLY! explicit sexual content, very slight bdsm like only if you squint 

Word Count: 4800

Summary: “You like that?” He smirks down at me. “Baby.” He says again and I close my eyes, pressing my face closer and closer to him …“Baby, baby, baby.” He breathes, fingers tightening in my hair. I’m not trying to be dramatic when I tell you that I think I could genuinely die right now in this moment and be happy. 

What’s worse? Losing your roommate on such a short notice? Or finding a new one within 48 hours that you know almost nothing about? 

Authors Note: This is a part 2 to my story How I'm Imagining You which you can read here! My apologies for taking 763 years to post part 2, ya girl got covid again *eye twitch*

Requests are open :) Jake story coming soon <3

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“I’m telling you, breaking up was the best thing that could have happened to Fleetwood Mac. Stevie Nicks made an entire career out of…” Honestly, I’d stopped listening about 20 minutes ago. It’d been about a month since Sam had moved in and lets just say my cons list is getting a little longer than my pros. 

First it was the wet towels left on the bathroom floor. Then came the constant bass playing. Don't get me wrong, I like a man who’s good with his fingers as much as the next girl or gay but nonstop thumping rhythm has become the soundtrack of every part of my life and I’m starting to develop an eye twitch. I was constantly finding his loose, long hair strands around the apartment. The way that he loaded the dishwasher was weird. He had incredibly pretentious taste in music. You get the jist. 

He had a large record collection too and while it was admirable, he only played a select few albums. Howlin’ Wolfe, BB King, Bob Dylan, Stephen Stills etc., on repeat. Which- yes, all great artists, but if I have to hear Blue by Joni Mitchell one more time, I’ll be committing violent crimes. 

More than either of those factors however, is the commentary. The constant addition of his opinion on everything. See, here’s my theory on Sam. For starters, the man knows he’s hot. Painfully hot. He knows the effect he has on people and he fucking eats it up.  Sam’s in a band with his brothers. They’re not huge, but they’re good. Really good; and they’ve got enough followers to give the man a god complex. I think he truly believes that the world at large is just waiting for him to grace us with his presence and theories on everything under the sun. 

Now don't get me wrong. I know it sounds like I've got only bad things to say about the man but he does have his redeeming qualities. It wasn't even a week after he moved in that he picked up on the fact that I drink chamomile tea every single night before bed. One evening, after I’d gotten home from a particularly grueling evening yoga class, I walked into my bedroom to find my favorite mug sitting on my desk, the tea inside still hot enough to produce little wisps of steam. 

He’s also a slut for cuddles. The man has the coldest toes on planet earth and I chalk it all up to the fact that he is almost never in shoes or socks of any kind. That’s where we find ourselves now. On the couch, his feet tucked under my thigh as I scroll through the endless options on Netflix. He’s had a problem with every single movie I’ve suggested even though he’s insisted that I choose. 

“Tenet? No, Christopher Nolan is overrated.” He protests as I pause my search on that option. 

“You’re just saying that because his movies are too complex for you to understand,” I retort with a roll of my eyes. He scoffs immediately. 

“Please.” he throws his head back, loudly letting out a cackle of a laugh as if I’d just told him pigs could fly. “There’s more to it than th-”

“For the love of GOD, Sam” I interrupt, tossing the remote into his lap. “Would you please just pick something before my ass permanently molds into this couch?” 

A devious smirk spreads across his lips as he contemplates his next words carefully. See, the past few weeks have been… tense. Yes, tense in the sense that Sam was driving me up the wall while I was getting used to his mannerisms, but there was a bit more to it. 

Flash back to where we left off in Part 1… 

Sam takes my hand as he helps me over the lip of the tub, my second orgasm still making my knees wobble unsteadily. 

“Shower sex really isnt all its cracked up to be” Sam smiles over to me as he towels off- wincing as he rubs over the elbow he’d banged against the shower door. “That’s gonna leave a mark.”  

“Yeah, well next time you’re gonna need to think twice before you try to lift my leg up over your shoulder to get your head between my legs.” I add without really thinking much about the weight of my words. 

“Next time, huh?” He looks over to me, eyebrows raised, eyes tracing over my body. My foot is propped on the edge of the sink as I drag the towel over my thigh, drying my skin. My stomach flips instantly and I feel my face getting hot.

“I mean- I don’t- I-” I stutter.

“Relax.” He says, still offering that same laid back smile. “This doesn't have to be a thing.” 

“I just- Okay, I have to ask... How did you realize I was the girl from that party on South Street last week?” I inquire. Sam’s shoulders shake slightly and his lips part open as he laughs. 

“You see that t-shirt on the counter?” He motions with a nod of his head. I follow his gaze and nod a ‘yes’ to confirm, my eyebrows crinkling in confusion. “My sister Ronnie bought that for me in Vegas a few years ago.” My jaw drops.

“No shit!” I guffawed. “When I grabbed it off the floor, I thought it belonged to whoever lived in that room. I had no idea- how- wait, what did you wear home that night?” He ignores the question, instead following up with:

“Wait, you’re telling me that’s not why you chose me to be your new roommate?” He asked.

“What?” I asked in disbelief, “No, definitely not. I didn’t realize you were you until I recognized your necklace this morning.” He hummed, looking down at himself to see it resting between his collarbones. “Details like that tend to stick with you when they’re smacked repeatedly into the back of your head as you’re getting railed from behind.” The laugh that erupted out of him in that moment was a sound I wish I could bottle up and keep with me to release only on my saddest, loneliest days; knowing it could pull me out of the deepest pit with ease. I couldn't help but laugh along with him. 

“Okay, well that certainly changes things.” he states, dropping his used towel to the floor at his feet; walking out of the bathroom and around the corner to his bedroom. I sigh, bending down to pick it up and hang it on the little hook on the back of the bathroom door. Wrapping my towel tightly around myself, I follow him out into the hallway. 

Leaning on the door frame of his bedroom, trying to come across as casual as I can, I ask “What do you mean by that?” I watch as he pulls a pair of briefs from the pile of clean (?) laundry on his bed. Boxes of his belongings still half unpacked and overflowing around him. 

It seems to take him a minute for him to decide what to say next. You’re almost sure he didn't hear you and you’re about to forget it and turn around to cross the hallway to your bedroom before he finally speaks up. “Well when I made my move in there-” he juts his thumb toward the bathroom, “-it was because I was sure you were into me. I thought you accepted my application because you remembered me from last week. I was almost afraid you’d hunted me down just because you couldn't get enough of this” He gestures with both hands to his groin. 

“Sorry, I quite literally cannot tell if you’re fucking with me” I huff out a humorless laugh. “You assume I took the time to somehow target ads to you about rent listings? What, did you think I was whispering keywords into your cell phone after we fucked to get the FBI agent living in your phone to prompt you to ‘happen to find me’ on CraigsList? That I would go through all that trouble just for the chance to see you again?” 

He’s standing a few feet away from me now, wearing nothing but a cocky smirk and a pair of navy blue briefs. His hair is still dripping onto his shoulders and I try my best not to stare as the water droplets trail lower and lower down the expanse of his toned stomach, finally disappearing into his waistband. “Or did you forget so quickly that only one of us got our world rocked that night?” At that, his smile finally falters, just a bit. 

“I think we both know I more than made up for that this evening, wouldn't you agree?” He cocks his head to the side, stepping even closer to me, his hand reaching out to brush my hair over my shoulder, his other going above my head on the door frame, trapping me against it. “Or were those pretty sounds you were making in the shower in response to something else?” My eyes squint into slits as my grin tips up to match his in response to using my pleasure against me. 

“You know what?” I counter, taking a step back, his fingers that were playing mindlessly in the strands of my hair reach out to follow me briefly. He hums a response, curiously. “Maybe it’s best for us to keep our distance after all. Romantically that is.” 

“Romantically” He repeats, folding his arms across his chest. I nod once to confirm, matching his body language and crossing my arms as well, as if to agree.  “Sure thing, Specks. We’ll see how long that lasts.” He smirks, reaching to shut the door on me. 

“You’re insufferable.” I mutter loudly enough for him to hear as I pivot on my heel and head straight into my bedroom, shutting the door behind me.

End of Flashback

His eyes rake over me from his side of the couch and I feel my heartbeat pick up its pace. It’s been this tension nonstop for weeks. Ever since we’d decided, or, I’d decided, that we shouldn't hook up as roommates, it was suddenly all I could think about. I had to tell myself that I wasn't imagining things like the prolonged glances from across the room or the unnecessary hand on my lower back as he passed me in our tiny kitchen. 

“So touchy today, Specks.” He chides. “You sure you want to skip yoga tonight? Sounds like a little Savasana could do you some good.” 

“Meditation is not what I need, Samuel, I need to-” I stop myself immediately, almost bringing a hand up to my mouth to keep the words from coming out. As if I was just about to admit to Sam of all people that I was really just dying for an orgasm that didn’t come from the tiny purple vibrator in my bedside table. Sam’s eyebrows shoot up as he waits for me to elaborate. 

“Say it.” He taunts, eyes boring into mine. His gaze flickers down to my lips and back up to my eyes so quickly that I'm not even positive it happened. It’s silent for a few beats as I calculate my next words very carefully. I open my mouth to reply but he beats me to it. “What is it that you need, Specks?” He moves from his casual, slouched position against the armrest into an upright one in one fluid motion. He’s facing me straight on now, our knees touching. 

“I know what you're doing, Samuel.” I gain the courage to look him right in the eye. 

“And what am I doing?’’ My jaw clenches as he cocks his head to the side, feigning innocence. Something about the smug look on his face coupled with everything building over the past month irritates me to the point of confrontation. I mirror his posture, then. Leaning in, my elbows on my knees, our noses nearly touching, I say:

“You’re trying to get me to cave. And it's not gonna happen.” I smile, proud of myself, ignoring the heat pooling in my stomach over being this close to him, smelling his hair, practically tasting his breath. It makes my mouth water. 

“You seem so sure of yourself.” He grins back at me like he knows something I don’t. “Lots of confidence for someone who couldn't keep my name out of their mouth last Friday night.” He casually slumps back against the armrest again, fingers brushing through his hair. I feel my heart drop into my gut and all of the blood run out of my face. I literally think I might faint and I know exactly what he’s referring to, but in a panic, I say:

“I don't know what you’re talking about.” 

The corners of his lips curve up impossibly slowly. “Let’s see if I can jog your memory. I think it went something like-” he tips his head back dramatically, eyebrows raised, eyes closed, and in the most pornographic, obscenely crude tone, he moans ‘ahhh, yes, Sammy, fuck me harder, daddy-” before he can take it any further, I pounce on him, using both hands to cover his mouth. All I can hear are his muffled chuckles as his eyes crinkle in the corners, his hands finding their way to my waist in an attempt to free himself. 

“Jesus Christ okay first of all-” I hold up one finger for emphasis, my other hand still securely pressed over his mouth. “-there’s no way in hell I called you daddy- but nice try. Second, you said you were going to be out late playing a gig in the city with the band and you’d crash on Danny’s couch.” He squirms under me, my legs still straddling him. He starts to mumble something, but my hand muffles the sound. “Are you going to say something stupid?” I ask. He shakes his head under my hand. “Promise?” I raise my eyebrows in question and hold out the pinky of my free hand as a peace offering. His right hand moves from its place on my waist to slot his pinky in with mine, securing the vow. I squint my eyes in suspicion but slowly remove my hand. 

“I was trying to say that you don’t have to be embarrassed. I was flattered.” His tone is snarky, but his eyes are genuine. Evenso, I roll my eyes. 

“Of course you were.” I lift my leg in an attempt to climb off of him but he catches it, tugging around the back of my knee, keeping me on top of him. 

“Hey.” He looks at me again with the most serious expression I’ve seen on his face since the day I asked him if I could switch the record from his Joni Mitchell album to my Hall and Oates LP. “Get out of your own head.” His smile up to me is genuine as he taps between my eyebrows, encouraging them to unfurrow themselves. 

I hate to admit more than anyone that I’m about to go back on weeks of progress. I’m about to let him ‘win.’ The look on his face tomorrow morning when we cross paths in the kitchen, mugs of coffee in hand, is going to make me want to slap the life out of him, but- I can’t seem to suppress the ache I feel anymore. Like all of a sudden, weeks of wanting has hit me like a ton of bricks. Weeks of watching him mindlessly run his fingers through his hair. Weeks of trying to ignore the way his toothpaste endearingly dribbles out of the left side of his mouth. Every time. Weeks of overhearing him pang out melodies on the keyboard in his bedroom; his steady and sure fingers sliding effortlessly over the keys. I’m not sure if it’s the lust talking or if the butterflies in my stomach are authentic but it prompts me to admit:

“Sam…” I bend at the hips, hands on his chest, lowering myself down to him. “I realllyyyyy want you to fuck me again.” He inhales so deeply through his nose that I think he’s about to sneeze, but the mood changes completely in that instant. 

Before I have time to second guess myself, his lips are on mine. It takes me a minute to gain clarity, but then I give into it. It feels like my bones are made of rubber as I melt into him. Every part of my body melding to every part of his. 

“I missed you.” he whispers into my mouth, grabbing my ass with both hands to grind his hips up to mine. I hum in agreement, repeating the motion until I’m shamelessly riding him, fully clothed. Feeling like there are way too many layers between us, I break our kiss momentarily to pull my shirt over my head. His eyes instantly head south and his hands move from my ass to my tits. He pulls the cups of my bra down with enough force that I audibly gasp and my tits spill out into his hands. His eyes meet mine instantly, wordlessly asking if that was okay. My gasp in surprise turns quickly into a moan of pleasure as I assure him-yeah. Yeah, that was more than okay.  

“Fuck” I cover his hands with mine, head tipping back, pleading with him to squeeze harder. He obliges and sits up to meet me, his mouth finding my neck. I can feel him suck my skin into his mouth and roll it between his teeth and as euphoric as it feels, I push against his chest, breaking the suction immediately. “No marks.” I scold. 

Raising one eyebrow, expression nothing but pure lust, he asks “No marks? Or no marks where anyone can see?” My teeth bite into my bottom lip and I nod with permission. He uses his hands to tip me on to my back and hovers over me, removing his shirt in one fluid motion. His lips meet mine again and this time there's less of a rush. As our lips smush together, I can't seem to feel where mine end and his begin. We kiss for what feels like an eternity before I can feel his hand start to trail down between my tits, going lower and lower until it’s dipping into the waistband of my leggings. 

“Touch me, Sam.” I whine. His fingers find the hem of my thong and dip into my wetness. I can't help the sound of relief that slips from my lips. 

“Is this what you think about? When you touch yourself?” The question catches me off guard but I answer it nonetheless. 

“Not exactly.” I can feel the blush rising to my cheeks, my eyes fluttering closed. 

“No?” He asks, his fingers expertly circling the bud of my clit, alternating pressure from harder to feather light. “Can you tell me?” He prompts. In any other circumstance I would feel absolutely beyond mortified to say what I’m about to say but as His fingers begin to trail a little lower, his middle finger threatening to dip into me, I open my mouth but he interrupts with “ah, ah, ah- look at me.” He commands, his voice dropping an octave lower. My eyes flash open, meeting his instantly, his face just centimeters from mine. I can feel his breath on my cheek. 

“I-um-” It’s getting more and more difficult to focus as I feel him getting harder against my thigh. He drops his lips down to my collar bone, and as if he can read my mind, he asks: 

“Can you feel how hard I am for you? All for you. You drive me crazy” He peppers kisses along the path from my shoulder to my ear. “Tell me lover, I want to make you feel good.” 

“I imagine that you’re fucking me. Hard. From behind.” A growl erupts from his chest and his teeth scrape against the space just behind my ear.

“What else?” He prompts, finger finally pushing past my folds. I hum a pleased response. Hearing his voice drip with want and his dick hard against my leg gives me another dose of confidence and I match his tone, my voice quiet and sensual as I say:

“Sometimes, when I’m alone, I think about you bending me over this couch and spanking me.”  

“Yeah?” He rasps, spurring me on, fingers moving perfectly inside me. I feel myself getting close to climax when he suddenly pulls his fingers out of me, wiping them on his jeans. He chuckles at the pout I display, missing him instantly. He gets up from the couch holding out a hand for me to join him. I give him my hand and he tugs me up until our chests are pressed together. 

He’s closing his eyes, dipping his lips down to catch me in a kiss but I drop to my knees in front of him instead. “Oh” he breathes, lips forming the most perfect circle. I try to make a show out of the way I undress him. Unbuttoning his pants with my teeth- a trick I’d mastered at a bachelorette party ages ago- I look up at him through my lashes. Stretching my arm up to his mouth, I press my fingers past his lips, his tongue swirling around the digits slowly, a hum vibrating around them. I pull them from his mouth and hold my hand out.

“Spit.” I command, waiting for him to oblige. His jaw goes slack and a shaky breath tumbles out. I can tell he’s having a hard time handing the power over to me, but the look in his eyes is telling me he’s loving it. I raise my eyebrows expectantly and he does as I say, letting warmth from his mouth dribble into my palm. “Good boy.” I smile and reach into his briefs, pulling him free. He hisses sharply in pleasure as I begin pumping him with my right hand, my left pulling his pants and briefs down the rest of the way and helping him step out of them. 

Once he’s freed, I guide him into my mouth, swirling the head of his dick with my tongue. I use my spit-slicked hand to start pumping where my mouth doesn't reach. His hands find my hair, brushing the strands from my face as I take more and more of him in. 

“God, fuck” he praises. “So good with your mouth, baby.” ‘Baby’. I repeat in my head. I hum and look up at him again, scratching my nails down his thigh to show my approval of the pet name. “You like that?” He smirks down at me. “Baby.” He says again and I close my eyes, pressing my face closer and closer to him, taking him in so deep that I’m not sure I’ll be able to suppress a gag much longer. 

“Baby, baby, baby.” He breathes, fingers tightening in my hair.I’m not trying to be dramatic when I tell you that I think I could genuinely die right now in this moment and be happy. His hands on my head begin to guide me up and down his shaft, fucking my mouth. As best as I can I nod for him to keep going, fingers again digging into his thighs. He accepts my consent and holds the back of my head with one hand and my jaw with the other. He starts slowly, but picks up speed as he fucks into me. I do my best to stay as still as I can, tongue out so as not to catch him with my teeth accidentally. 

“Fuck” He mutters again, his legs getting shaky. “Look at you.” He pulls out of my mouth slowly, wiping the corners of my lips clean with his thumb and brings it up to lick clean. “C’mere” He helps me up- legs a little wobbly from lack of circulation. He meets me halfway with a kiss, it’s gentle but passionate as he wraps his arms around my frame. “I’m gonna fuck you now, Specks.” He whispers, lips at my ear, biting the lobe playfully. A shiver runs down my spine and he squeezes me harder into a hug when he feels it. 

Releasing his hold on me for just a moment, he meets my eyes. “Take your pants off for me, baby.” He orders, walking slowly backward toward the bathroom to- I correctly assume- grab a condom. Not once do his eyes leave mine as I do as I’m told, slipping my leggings and thong down my thighs, trying to be sexy about my movement, but too desperate for him to really take my time. He’s back within seconds, rolling the latex over his perfect, hard dick. Bringing his hand to my throat, he pulls me in for a deep kiss- his tongue lapping at mine, sinfully. In one quick motion, he spins me around, bending me over the arm of the couch. Rightfully assuming I’m more than prepared, he slips his dick inside me in one quick thrust. I can't help the squeal of pleasure that bursts out of me. 

“Oh fuck, Sammy.” I gasp. He starts rocking himself in and out of me, finding a rhythm easily. We both know we won’t last long with how revved up we both are. “Harder” I chance. His hand reaches forward then, clasping around my throat as he pulls himself all the way out and back in again a few times, taking my breath away each time. 

Without warning he uses his free hand to clap down on my ass cheek. “Yes!” I let out a cry of pleasure, encouraging him to do it again. He does, this time in a different spot. He bends over me, chest pressed to my back. The deja vu of the situation is not lost on me as I remember this position from the very first time we’d ever fucked at that party. At this new angle, he’s driving into my g-spot perfectly and it’s all I can do not to literally cry over how close I am to coming. “So close, Sam.”

“Me too, Specks.” He breathes. “Can you come for me baby? Wanna hear you come. Sound so pretty when you come for me.” That does it. With two more thrusts, I’m crying out for him, profanities spilling out of my lips, panting his name as my walls contract around him. He groans behind me and I feel his release follow mine. The way he moans my name directly into my ear is so heavenly I think I could come again just hearing it fall from his lips. His hips slow their momentum and he squeezes his arms around my middle. We stay like that for a few moments, his arms around me, whispering praises into my ear as we catch our breath. 

He slides out of me and disappears around the corner to dispose of the condom. I reach down for my t shirt but before I even stand up completely, he’s walking back over to me, my silk bathrobe in hand, gray sweatpants hanging low on his hips. He smiles then, offering the robe to me. There’s no cockiness to his smile like I expected there to be from someone who could very easily tell me ‘I told you so.’

“Thanks.” I return his smile. 

“How about that movie?” He asks, pulling a blanket from the basket in the corner and making space for me next to him on the couch. I join him, pressing myself against the armrest, not quite sure what post-coitus cuddling looks like for us, considering this would be the first. He picks up the remote, finding Rocky II immediately and pressing play. 

“Now was that so hard?” I tease. 

“Oh I knew I wanted to watch this movie hours ago. I just like watching you squirm.” He retorts, wrapping his arm around my neck and pulling me into his chest. I try to wriggle out of his hold but he just squeezes tighter, laughing, and I feel him press his lips to the top of my head. He finally lets me free and I unleash a playful punch to his arm. I can't quite seem to bring myself to fully retreat back to my side of the couch however, so I settle for leaning against him, arm to arm. For warmth. Definitely solely for warmth. No other reason. 

Not even a full minute later, he stretches his arm around my shoulder, pulling me into the crook under his arm. I let myself melt into his touch as the movie starts.  

“Hey Specks?” He says, voice not much louder than a whisper. 

“Hmm?” I answer, absentmindedly tracing the veins on the back of his hand.

“Next time you need something to take the edge off, come find me instead.”

[thebluewritingbench]

if you’re still taking prompts, can you do happiness #1?

Before we launch into 6b next week, here's a small fantasy of a scene that I wish the cw would give us. Happiness #1 from this prompt list again.

“I’ve loved you since the day we met.”

“Alex calls it The Honesty Policy.”

Lena takes the mug of hot chocolate Kara offers, cradling it between her hands. “The Honesty Policy?” she asks, as Kara sits down on the couch beside her.

“I imagine Kelly probably fed it to her,” Kara says. “But she was helping me try to figure out how we could get ourselves… well, back to normal, after everything, and she was really insistent that this one was worth a try.”

“What is it?”

“Exactly what it sounds like. No more secrets,” Kara says, tapping her own collarbone, then fixing her gaze pointedly on Lena. “No more lying. We tell each other things. We’re honest. We trust each other with our secrets.”

Lena nods, looking down into her mug of hot chocolate. The dim lights of Kara’s loft glow orange across her cheekbones, and in the silence, the sounds of late-night passing cars rumble up from the street below. It’s the first time they’ve really spent time truly alone together since… well everything.

There’s still a lot of awkwardness between them; turns out secrets and betrayal and double-crossing—and the fact that forgiveness was barely hatching between them when Kara was banished to the phantom zone—will do that to a friendship. There was the initial hug, of course, after Kara was rescued, when Lena wrapped her arms around Kara and buried her face in Kara’s neck and held her so tightly that Kara was certain she’d never let go, her breath coming in ragged gasps and her whole body quivering. It was somewhat surreal, the warm shock of having Lena in her arms after so many months, her hair against Kara’s cheek, the muted scent of her shampoo. They’d sank to the floor, still holding each as the ship creaked around them, and stayed there for god knows how long in each other arms.

But since then, since that initial wordless embrace that felt as much like coming home as anything, they haven’t known what to say to each other. They work together easily enough, the animosity between Supergirl and Lena finally gone, but it’s more difficult when they’re just Kara and Lena. They’ve forgiven each other, Kara thinks. Or at least agreed to forgive each other, even if there’s still work to be done. But it’s weird. It’s not like they can snap straight back into how things were before.

Hence The Honesty Policy.

“Okay,” Lena says finally. “Yes. No more secrets. A clean start.”

A clean start. It’s what they need, after an entire friendship where one or the other of them has been hiding things. For the first time, everything between them will be out in the open. Nothing left to hide.

It’s oddly freeing.

Kara takes a sip of her hot chocolate. “So, where do we start?”

“Start?”

“I think we should have just an honest conversation. I don’t want this to be awkward anymore, I want to be able to talk to you like we used to. So, in the interest of honesty, tell me something you’ve never told me before. It doesn’t have to be big—” she adds hurriedly, when Lena’s eyes widen in alarm. “Something small. Something tiny you’ve never had reason to tell me.”

Lena nods slowly, thinking. “In the interest of honesty…” she starts. “In the interest of honesty, I… I really think that those bangs were a mistake.”

Kara makes a noise of offended disbelief in the back of her throat. “I—Rude!”

“You said to be honest!” Lena says, biting her lip like she’s holding back a laugh. “They’re growing out now, anyways. It looks much better.”

Kara gives her bangs a self-conscious pat. They’re still at a slightly awkward length, but they’re long enough to blend in semi-decently with the rest of her hair now. “If we’re being honest, then,” she says. “I think that blouse is really ugly.”

Lena looks down at herself. She sounds slightly hurt when she says, “What’s wrong with it?”

“Everything! It’s—the pattern! The sleeves! The collar! It looks like it’s made of cheap polyester.”

“It’s designer!” Lena pouts.

“Who designed it?”

“Well, I thought that blazer you wore last week was kind of hideous. I didn’t say anything at the time, but in the interest of honesty…”

Kara laughs, and Lena’s irritated expression melts away at her laughter, something in her eyes softening. It’s an expression Kara’s been seeing on her more often, in moments she catches Lena watching her when she thinks Kara isn’t paying attention.

She’s always paying attention to Lena.

“Maybe we should just agree to say that we both have questionable fashion taste sometimes and call it a day,” she says, downing the rest of her hot chocolate and placing the mug on the table.

Lena takes a dainty sip of her own still mostly filled mug. “Fine.”

There’s a long pause, and Kara taps her fingers on her pant leg and tries to think of a new conversation starter. She finally settles on. “In the interest of honesty… how are you holding up?”

Lena shrugs. “I’m okay, I suppose. I’m anxious about Lex—I know it’s only a matter of time before he’s back on our heels. Mostly, I’m just glad to have you back.” She looks over her mug at Kara. “I think that’s more a question I should be asking you, though.”

The look of intense concern in Lena’s eyes makes her feel hot, and Kara squirms slightly, pulling her collar away from her neck with a finger. She wants to say I’m fine, but honesty is the whole point of this exercise. “I’m… still not great. Being back there it… brought up a lot. Brought back a lot. I’m still having a really hard time with it all. It’s—it’s hard to talk about.”

“We don’t have to talk about it right now.”

“I want to talk about with you at some point. I just… don’t want it to ruin every conversation I have, you know? I want some things to be normal, still. I want to pretend things can be normal.”

“That makes sense,” Lena nods. She looks small when she says, “In the—in the interest of honesty, are you still mad?”

“At you?” Lena nods again, and Kara sighs, looking away. “It’s complicated, I guess. A little, maybe? I meant it when I said I forgave you, but there’s still part of me that’s a little angry. You did a lot of things that were… really bad, Lena.”

“I know.”

“Are you still mad at me?” Kara asks, and Lena’s shaking her head before she even finishes the question.

“No. No, I’m done being mad at you. I get it. I get why you hid your identity, and I wish you’d told me sooner, but I’m not angry anymore. I don’t have enough energy to be angry anymore. I’m happier if I don’t hate you.”

“Well, I’m glad for that.”

“I would have done anything to get you back, you know,” Lena says in a rush, words spilling out like she can’t stop them. “You say I did bad things before, but I would have watched the world burn if it meant I could have brought you back.” She looks down at her lap. “Who knows what I would have done if Alex hadn’t been there to stop me.”

“Lena.” Kara reaches over to take her hand. “You know I can’t possibly be mad at you for that.”

“No?”

“Of course not.”

“Okay,” Lena whispers. Kara watches her swirl around the dregs of her hot chocolate and takes a deep breath.

There’s still one more secret between them. One more secret that has the potential to ruin their friendship. Kara thinks they’re both aware of it, on some level. Aware of the way the weight of it shifts their every interaction. The others are aware of it too, have maybe known longer than Kara has. Alex certainly has. It was she who looked Kara in the eye when they were discussing this whole honestly policy and said, “You have to tell her this. You know you do.”

She can’t risk another secret in their relationship.

“Um, in the interest of honesty,” she starts, and finds she can’t quite meet Lena’s eyes. “I have to tell you—in all honesty, I would probably just keep it a secret, if I could, but I don’t think we should do secrets anymore, so I just need to tell you that I, um, have feelings for you.”

Lena straightens. “Feelings?” she says, her voice cautious.

Kara closes her eyes. Takes a breath. Steadies herself. Opens them again. “I’m in love with you,” she says. “Um, nothing has to change if you don’t want it to, but I need… I need you to know.”

“Oh,” breathes Lena. She opens her mouth, and it seem to take several moments for the words to catch up with her. “Well, in—in the interest of honesty, Kara, I’ve—I’ve been in love with you for years.” She gives a wry little half smile. “If we’re being honest.”

“What? You have?”

“Darling,” says Lena. “I’ve loved you since the day we met.”

“The day we met?”

“Why do you think it hurt me so badly when I found out who you were? Why do you think I was so deep in denial about it that I never figured it out myself? Do you really think you were that good at hiding it?”

“I mean, I thought—”

“The disguise. The hair. The glasses.” She puts down her mug, then reaches over and gently tugs the glasses from Kara’s face, folding the arms in and placing them on the table. She brushes a strand of hair behind Kara’s ear. “You mentioned Supergirl far too much as Kara and Kara far too much as Supergirl and one time you told me you flew to my office on a bus.”

“That’s—yeah, that’s fair, actually.”

“You’re in love with me? Honestly?” whispers Lena.

“I am. I really, truly am. Why do you think I refused to give up on you when everyone else was ready to?”

“I thought that just how you are. You don’t give up on anyone.”

“I try not to. But you, I could never bear to, even when it seemed like the only logical option to everyone else. Why do you think I waited so long to tell you in the first place? I was so scared to ruin things between us.”

“Why do you think I bought you an entire media empire?” Lena murmurs, and she’s so close, hand fisted in the collar of Kara’s shirt.

Kara giggles. “Why do you think I flew all over Europe to get you lunch?”

Lena laughs, and it’s such a relief to hear her laughter again, to let the conversation flow between them. There’s a bud of hope for the future that’s been sitting in Kara’s chest for years now, and under Lena’s adoring gaze, it starts to open.

“In all honesty,” Kara says, “I’d really like to kiss you right now.”

Lena slips a hand into her hair, runs her thumb over Kara’s cheekbone. “In all honesty?” She leans in, pressing their foreheads together. “I’d like that.”

[wandaromanova]

Little Sister

Pairing: Natasha Romanoff x Fem!Reader

Warnings: one cuss word, minor BW spoilers

A/N: hello! i’d like to note that this takes place sometime before the events in the Black Widow movie! if you haven’t seen the movie yet, please skip over this story and come back later if you’d like! happy reading <3

anon requested: hiii i have a fluff request after seeing bw haha: could you do nat x fem reader where they're laying in bed snuggling, and r asks her about her family and nat tells her and r notices how cute she looks when she's talking about yelena and it's so soft and ahhhh

Summary: Natasha tells her girlfriend about a piece of her past that she never talks about; her sister.

Word Count: 2K

| masterlist | request rules/guidelines | wips |

please do not repost or try and take ownership of my work. reblogs, likes, and comments are always welcome. <3

Natasha Romanoff has lived a lot of lives. She has been through more than most.

Nat had been taken as an infant by an organization that trained little girls to become lethal assassins.

She was psychologically conditioned to become a killer, having taken more lives than she could count.

Eventually, Natasha had managed to break free from the cage she was forced into and was recruited as a S.H.I.E.L.D agent; it was a new start for her, an opportunity to compensate for the red in her ledger.

So, Natasha took her job seriously, saving as many people as she could, even more so when she became an Avenger; one of earth’s mightiest heroes.

Natasha found something in the team that she never really had before; a family. She found a home within the dysfunctional team she had been recruited into.

Not only did Natasha find a family within the Avengers; she also found the love of her life.

Natasha hadn’t even considered the possibility of ever finding love.

For starters, the Red Room had instilled the concept that love was nothing but a distraction; a liability.

She had been taught that love was for children and it was nothing but a weakness that needed to be avoided at all costs.

She was quite literally programmed to be emotionally closed off and to always have her guard up. Letting someone into her heart was a risk she didn’t want to take.

When Natasha gained her independence from the organization, she had to do a lot of self-discovering. She had never been able to be her own person, but now that she could, she quickly learned that she didn’t even know herself.

However, it was Natasha’s insecurities that truly turned her off from the entire idea of love.

How could any ever possibly love her? She thought she was a monster for the things she’d done. She has done the unspeakable since ever she was a child.

What if she wasn’t enough? What if her baggage was too much for someone else to carry? She didn’t want to be a burden. She didn’t want to have to protect someone, just to fail them like she had failed so many others.

Natasha was positive that no one would ever be crazy enough to love her.

Little did she know, she would end up finding someone crazy enough to do so; you.

•❅──────────────── ‎⧗ ────────────────❅•

When the Avengers were formed, you were extremely nervous about it.

All of the files that you’ve read on your new teammates were unbelievable; they were all phenomenal in their own rights. A super-soldier, a god, a genius, a trained-spy.

You were a spy yourself, so you knew exactly who Natasha Romanoff was. She was a S.H.I.E.L.D legend, the best of the best.

You were more nervous about meeting her than anyone else. What if she judged you? What if she didn’t think you were good enough to be an agent, let alone an Avenger?

Not only was she your superior, but she was also your crush. Yeah, you’d never even met the woman before, but you were crushing on her hard.

She was drop-dead gorgeous, but also quite literally a deadly force. Natasha could easily take down anyone she wanted to, and honestly, you wanted to be one of those lucky people.

When you met Natasha for the first time, you were a flustered mess. The redhead found it amusing, how your cheeks turned a bright shade of red and you stumbled over your words as you praised her work.

Natasha never told you this, but she was immediately smitten the moment she laid eyes on you.

There was a kindness and positivity that just radiated off of you and it was extremely contagious.

You were this beaming ball of light that lit up the darkest parts of her soul.

•❅──────────────── ‎⧗ ────────────────❅•

You got to know Natasha extremely well while being on the team. From observing her closely and paying very close attention to her actions, you had managed to pick up on little things.

She didn’t put any creamer or sugar in her sugar; opting for strong, black coffee.

She was kind of a clean freak. If she saw something out of place, she would be quick to put it in the correct place or position.

When she was happy, she would let a small smirk cross her features. When she was annoyed, she would raise her eyebrows.

When she was stressed out or angry, three little creases would appear on her forehead as her eyebrows would knit together tightly; a subtle frown on her face.

Of course, when you began dating the redhead, you didn’t really have to survey her so closely anymore because she’d tell you things herself.

No matter the circumstances, Natasha would always come to you and rant about it. Whether it was about how shitty a mission went or how she beat Clint’s ass during training; you were the only person she wanted to tell.

Natasha had opened up to you, something she never did with anyone. She told you all about her past.

•❅──────────────── ‎⧗ ────────────────❅•

You had some knowledge of Natasha’s previous life, considering it was in her files, but you didn’t realize just how horrible her childhood truly was.

The Red Room, the heavy weight of guilt that rests on her shoulders, the nightmares that forced her to relive the murders she committed, her time as a S.H.I.E.L.D agent, and becoming an Avenger.

She’d go on and on about her road to redemption or ‘clearing the red out of her ledger.’

Natasha was terrified when she told you about her demons. She figured you were going to leave her the second she finished talking, waiting for you to get up and walk out the door, but you didn’t.

So, you completely caught her off guard when you pulled her into a bone-crushing hug, placing a soft kiss onto her temple, the redhead relaxing in your embrace.

“You’re the strongest person I know. It’s not your fault, you were forced and conditioned to do the things you did.”

Natasha focused on the sound of your voice and took in your words as you softly caressed her red locks with one hand.

“Baby, the amount of respect I have for you is immeasurable. I applaud you for turning your life around for the better. I’m so fucking proud of you.”

Your words had brought tears to Natasha’s eyes, which was a rare occurrence.

She was expecting you to run for the hills, but you chose to pull her closer instead.

In that moment, Natasha knew she never had to be afraid of love again.

You were the most understanding and accepting person she’d ever met.

You would never judge her for her worst mistakes; Natasha had found the one for her and she wasn’t ever going to let go.

•❅──────────────── ‎⧗ ────────────────❅•

Now, a few months later and a year into your relationship with the Russian, you were both lying in bed and cuddling.

You were both watching a movie when a particular scene came on. It was of a family gathering around a Christmas tree, children excitedly opening up presents with gleeful smiles across their faces.

“You know, my sister and I got to take pictures with a Christmas tree once.” Natasha spoke, her eyes fixated on the screen.

You looked up at her in shock. You didn’t know that Natasha had a sister. She told you that she didn’t even so much as know her parent’s names.

Natasha looked down and noticed your confused expression. She reached for the remote on the bedside table and paused the movie before returning her gaze to you.

“There was a mission I was assigned to in Ohio, as a kid. I was assigned to play the daughter of two other Russian spies, Alexei and Melina. It wasn’t just me though, there was a little girl who was assigned as my younger sister. Her name is Yelena.”

Natasha had a reminiscent, happy smile on her face as she recalled the brief period time of her childhood. She looked absolutely adorable as she rambled on about this part of her childhood.

“We took photoshoots of various holidays to make our family look more realistic. My favorite one was Christmas. Even though I knew they were just empty boxes, I wanted to rip open every single one.”

Natasha let out a small giggle at the thought. Even though she had a smile on her face, you could feel and hear the underlying tone of sadness in her voice.

“Yelena and I would spend hours outside, just playing together. Swinging on the swing-sets, looking up at the stars, bending over backward, and getting into a ridiculous competition to see who could hold the position the longest… I always let her win.”

You could see the fondness in her eyes, the longing. It warmed your heart that there was a small glimmer of light in Natasha’s past. There was at least a sliver of hope that she clung tightly onto throughout her time in the Red Room.

“After 3 years, the mission ended. Yelena and I were sent back to the Red Room and were torn apart from one another.

Natasha’s breathing grew heavier as she recalled the unfaithful day. The sight of her sister being taken, and not being able to do anything to help her; still haunted the redhead to this day.

“There were so many men with guns and armor, they literally ripped us away from each other. I was eleven and she was only six.”

Your heart sunk at your girlfriend’s words as her smile dropped. She tore her eyes away from yours as she blinked rapidly, fighting back tears, but failed. You reached your hand up to her cheek and wiped away the fallen droplets.

“I haven’t seen her since. I’d like to think that she found a way out and got a life of her own; a nice, happy life.”

Natasha placed her hand on top of yours before looking down at you once more. You sent her a soft smile when she let out a shaky breath.

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ

“I knew that the it was all fake, but it was still the best part of my childhood. It was real to me.”

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ

You nodded your head at her words. She took a brief pause, trying to regain her composure, before continuing.

“Even if we have no true relation to one another, and even if I haven’t seen her in years, she is still my little sister.”

Natasha finished off with a big gasp as sobs wracked her body. You sat up from her embrace and pulled her into your arms, just like you had many times before.

You rubbed her back soothingly as she cried into your shoulder, her tears hitting the exposed skin.

“She sounds amazing, baby. I’m really happy that you had some sort of happiness back then and I hope one day you get to see her again.”

You whispered and Natasha pulled away from the hug, still in your arms as her emerald eyes surrounded by a sea of red, a result of her crying.

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ

“I doubt she’d even want to see me. I didn’t even try to find her. I’m a horrible sister! I-“

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ

You immediately pressed your lips against hers, effectively getting the Russian to calm down. You broke the kiss when her breathing slowed.

“Honey, of course, she’d want to see you again. Like you said, you guys are sisters. I’m positive that it was just as real to her as it was to you.”

You reassured your girlfriend, her eyes a pool of worry and guilt. You rubbed your thumb against her waist, the material of your her hoodie beneath your touch.

“From what you’ve told me about the Red Room, it would’ve been impossible to find her. Stop beating yourself up over it. You’re the best, and I’m totally not biased or anything.”

Natasha let out a small chuckle at that and you smiled at her, wiping away the last of her tears. She collapsed into your hold further, shoving her face into the crook of your neck.

“Thank you. I don’t know what I’d do without you. I love you so much.”

Natasha’s words came out muffled as her face pressed further into your skin.

“You never need to thank me for anything. I’ll always be here for you, Natty.”

You hugged her as tight as you possibly could, her cold skin meeting your warmth. Natasha let out a small sigh at the feeling.

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ

“Wherever you go, I go.”

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ

───────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ──────────

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