#( 𝒶𝓃𝓈𝓌𝑒𝓇𝑒𝒹 — ❛・° › and all she sends me back is rain.
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what are maxine's visions for her future? does she think about it much? is she a planner or someone who likes to go with the flow? if forced to picture her most idyllic life, what does she see, and has that vision changed must over the past several months? is there anything she wishes she could have but can't? does she feel hopeful for her future?
max is just a dumbass. next question.
honestly though, max used to be the girl with multiple notebooks, the girl with ambitions and dreams and a plan a, b, c. the thing is, she was always just almost enough, but never quite. didn’t get into the college she wanted to go to. didn’t have enough money for culinary school. doesn’t have the courage to pursue her music, and so she always settles for the middle where she knows she’s safe — because no one can hurt her if they can’t see her.
and she’s been okay with this, really. she’s always had a safety net: she’s had her dad, christian, reyna. and then once all that came undone, this web of security that she broke through, she found herself without ambitions, dreams, plans. when high volume closed, max was about ready to slip into another depressive episode. and depressed people don’t envision futures: they tend to think they won’t really get there.
that being said, with high volume up and running again, and a certain kemal arslan in her life, maxine feels rejuvenated and hopeful. where her vision resembled a black hole just a few months ago, she’s now beginning to see herself living somewhere nice and peaceful with kem by her side, perhaps a family of their own. somewhere sunny, warm, safe. perhaps she’s playing guitar still, or making food, or in a record store somewhere else, but in her vision she’s not in woodstock, not waltzing around with ghosts anymore. that’s about all she has planned — and the rest, she’s hopeful, will fall into place. it’s not like any of her plans ever worked out anyway so why bother ? why not be the girl who goes with the flow ?
as for something she wishes she could have but can’t .. there will always be reyna, won’t there ? there will always be a missing piece shaped like her scattered somewhere in woodstock, stolen from max’s heart. years may pass and max will still let reyna wander her mind every day, but that wound will heal too. the what ifs will fade until max learns to live in the moment, to love in the moment, and besides: she has found a soulmate in kem too.
now imagine how much she will love life when she learns love won’t leave again. imagine how much she will love him when she realizes he’s the only vision she sees when painting the perfect future.
#we're gonna pretend we do not see#( 𝒶𝓃𝓈𝓌𝑒𝓇𝑒𝒹 — ❛・° › and all she sends me back is rain.#ft. reyna#ft. christian#ft. kem#parental death tw#depression tw
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have you actually forgiven christian?
« yeah, i have. but it was for my sake, not his. at first i thought the anger was liberating, but then it started scaring me that i could feel that way, that i could wish harm on anyone .. i didn’t want to be that person. so i forgave him so i could be me again. and i hope he can be himself now too. »
#don't ask for gifs ur not getting any#( 𝒶𝓃𝓈𝓌𝑒𝓇𝑒𝒹 — ❛・° › and all she sends me back is rain.#ft. christian
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🐑 🍵 🌙
🐑 for a nickname my muse calls yours
she no longer has a nickname for him, though christian existed as ‘ son of a bitch ’ in her mind for a long time after their break - up. when they dated she’d use the occasional ‘ baby ’ or just use his full name. max has never called him chris and probably never will.
🍵 my muse will reveal one of their biggest regrets
she will actually reveal 2 considering they’re sort of similar. max regrets kissing kc and hooking up with jamie, simply because she adores them and wants to be their friend and now feels as if things could’ve been easier, more natural with them had she not been so unhinged lmao. with kc it’s always been simple, he’s hard not to like, but sometimes max still feels like she maybe blurred some lines that shouldn’t have been crossed. she’s secure with kem, but perhaps there’s a small, just the teeniest tiniest part of her, that can’t help but wonder what if ?
when it comes to jamie their friendship has never come completely effortlessly even if they’ve been in each other’s lives for a long, long time. max worries that jamie feels that she used him, and she worries that this will somehow stain their friendship and that he’ll never let her all the way in because of this.
long story short max just thinks she would’ve been closer to both of them had she not let her heart act faster than her head.
🌙 for what a normal day looks like for my muse
max can sleep for days if given the chance, but she also loves long mornings and usually tries to get up around 7 am regardless of whether she has plans that day or not as it tricks her into feeling more productive than she really is. more often than not she fails though. she has a big breakfast because it is the most important meal of the day then she’ll pack her own lunch ( and sometimes trip’s ) and head to work. get home, make dinner, watch a movie, listen to music while she reads or writes. goes for a late night walk every evening. has sex with kem. takes a shower. goes to bed <3
#( 𝒶𝓃𝓈𝓌𝑒𝓇𝑒𝒹 — ❛・° › and all she sends me back is rain.#ft. christian#ft. kc#ft. jamie#ft. trip#barely#but it's important#ft. kem#sort of#??
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✉ having a laugh
✉ for a written letter from my muse to yours
pre break - up.
to my beautiful beautiful boy ♡ ♡
and to every beautiful memory i’ve made with you so far. you always make me laugh like no one else can. you make me happier than anyone. i love your smile, your voice, your eyes. i can’t believe how lucky i am to have you ! you always seemed way too cool for me, but now i realize you’re just as dorky as me :P i love that we can be goofy together. i love how we can talk about everything. i just love you ! ♡
i still remember that night in the skate park, i really thought my heart was going to jump out of my chest. i think maybe i already loved you then, the way you’d remember my freddy’s order and let me hold your arm as i tried your skateboard, you made me feel so complete. you’re always going to be my favorite person.
i’m so so happy i met you. i’m so excited about our future together, i can’t imagine being with anyone else ! you’re my paradise, always will be. love you ! ♡
ps. thank you for the last mixtape. i’ve been listening to rage against the machine nonstop ! :)
#literally fuck u#KMSDKFS#i couldn't find a reason for max to write a letter now#or even post-breakup bc she'd just be crying#so <3#christine <3 KMSDKFMS#max is so gross in this but let's keep in mind christian was her first love#and max IS gross#idk how young adults acted in the 90s help it's so cringey LMAO#( 𝒶𝓃𝓈𝓌𝑒𝓇𝑒𝒹 — ❛・° › and all she sends me back is rain.#ft. christian
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❤️🖤✔️
❤️ for something my muse likes about yours
max doesn’t know nisa particularly well, but what strikes her immediately is that nisa seems to know her own worth. nisa seems to understand that she has value, that people should like her and she lights up a room with it every time she enters. it’s this confidence, this self - love that essentially made max realize she was being a dumb little clown upon nisa’s arrival and her initial dislike of her. girls should support girls and honestly max probably has a thing or two to learn from nisa.
🖤 for something my muse dislikes about yours
nisa seems .. high maintenance, at least in max’s eyes. maybe not a trait she necessarily dislikes, but it’s something that max isn’t used to so she finds it a bit odd, as max has learned that asking for better things no matter how shitty the situation equals being ungrateful. weird upbringing, we’re not getting into it. anyway, maxine has no standards and nisa is a queen <3
✔️ for a daydream my muse has had about/involving yours
max is not proud of this, but during nisa’s first few months in woodstock there were times where she’d daydream about nisa coming into work and max straight up bitch - slapping her. then she’d immediately feel bad about it and daydream about getting nisa an ice pack and a free milkshake.
#( 𝒶𝓃𝓈𝓌𝑒𝓇𝑒𝒹 — ❛・° › and all she sends me back is rain.#ft. nisa#and maybe she dreamt about a smooch#but we're not getting into this rn
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☄️
💥 for something embarrassing my muse has done
existing ..... please. once she wrote christian + max and drew a heart around it on a wall in the backroom of high volume. she spent her entire lunch break that day rearranging the room after realizing the ink couldn’t be removed and so now it’s hidden behind a shelf, but for how long remains to be seen.
#( 𝒶𝓃𝓈𝓌𝑒𝓇𝑒𝒹 — ❛・° › and all she sends me back is rain.#ft. christian#so sorry to drag christian into this#wait HELP i just saw i got the wrong emoji#LMFAO SORRY
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⭐️🐑🖤 :relieved:
⭐️ for a headcanon about our muses
• max’s favorite ice cream flavor is strawberry cheesecake. she had never tried that particular flavor until trip bought it for her once a year ago or so. it’s since become her absolute favorite and she gets it every time they go for ice cream now. • when trip moved in, max prepared a small welcome basket for him filled with baked goods, snacks and essentials such as shower gel, a pair of thick socks for cold evenings, scented candles ( because no one’s too masculine for that shit. ) she was just really really excited about him moving in ok. • trip is invited to sunday dinners in the sinclair house once a month, where kelly is being her usual bitchy self, but at least the food is good and kelly likes trip i’m sure of it.
🐑 for a nickname my muse calls yours
babe. it started as a joke mostly, but now as they’re living together it’s really just become a habit and honestly max thinks it suits him. she’s probably gonna let it occasionally slip at work a few times too, sorry about it.
( not to be confused with baby which is reserved for kem. )
🖤 for something my muse dislikes about yours
honestly trip is pretty close to .. perfect ? max really enjoys his company. if there’s one thing she miiight’ve at one point been somewhat annoyed by it’s his intense optimism, or rather his inability to sit in misery and wallow. max is very good at this and there were days after the death of her dad where she wanted nothing more than to just suffer in her bed for hours, but then trip would come around and she’d force herself to accompany him — and sure, it did make her feel better, but she’s really okay with not being okay too sometimes. this doesn’t really apply that much anymore as max has also become an increasingly happier person this season, but it’s really the only thing she can think of.
#( 𝒶𝓃𝓈𝓌𝑒𝓇𝑒𝒹 — ❛・° › and all she sends me back is rain.#ft. trip#parental death tw#the way the last one just made me go ...... wdym dislike
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oak & peony
oak : who would your muse consider the strongest person they know ?
a handful of people come to mind, really. but if asked now, max would probably say trip. during the new year’s party where he confided in her she could really see it: what it took for him to confess his fears. max finds strength in honesty and shedding one’s mask, unraveling and breaking, unsure of whether they’ll be met with acceptance or rejection on the other side. whilst she likes to believe trip would never think max would actually turn her back on him, the possibility of things changing between them was there, and still he’d taken a chance, a leap of faith — and if anything it’s made them closer. it’s the bravest she’s ever seen him.
peony : what would a ‘ happy life ’ look like in your muse’s eyes ?
max is so simple really, all she longs for is a roof over her head, warm food on the table, a job to go to, a family to come home to. she wants love and security and warmth. some good friends she can lean on, friends she can be herself with 100%. kelly sinclair is no longer in her life. elden sinclair’s ghost no longer haunts her.
if we’re getting specific though, max’s dream as of right now is moving to europe with kem and maybe pursuing music, maybe working at some restaurant. in this dream they’re living in a small apartment in a city with a coastline, and they have 3 kids growing up in a stable, loving home. a dog maybe, a cat definitely. she knows not to have high hopes, but a girl can dream.
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❤️🌈
❤️ for something my muse likes about yours
everything .. no but honestly, the amount of love and loyalty marty has for her friends is just so, so inspiring. max trusts them through and through and knows marty is just a phone call away whenever she needs someone to talk to or break the rules with — not that that’s something max dabbles in often, but she knows marty would be there if she did. marty is such a good friend and max knows her secrets and fears would be safe with them, tended to like they are their own. but the loyalty isn’t blind, which makes max adore marty even more — she trusts them to tell her when she’s doing something that could hurt herself or others, to call her out if she needs a reality check. it’s rare to find someone you can trust to this extent, but max knows she has a friend for life in marty tsui.
🌈 for my muse’s favorite kind of weather
ever the romantic, max loves a sunny day with maybe like a light drizzle so that a rainbow might just peek through. she’s a spring / summer baby for sure.
#( 𝒶𝓃𝓈𝓌𝑒𝓇𝑒𝒹 — ❛・° › and all she sends me back is rain.#ft. marty#sorry i am obsessed with martha tsui
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❤️🖤
❤️ for something my muse likes about yours
let’s be real, max LOVES ethan. she loves how level - headed he is, how pragmatic and intelligent he is. but she also loves how human he is and how, despite the fact that she very obviously is super dumb compared to him, he never makes her feel stupid. ethan just has a way of seeing and accepting people and max always feels so validated around him. he’s such a stable and secure person in her life she can’t really imagine being able to go through half of the things the high volume gang has been through without seeking his comfort and advice.
🖤 for something my muse dislikes about yours
max sometimes worries that ethan carries more than he lets on. she hopes that he’s able to relax every once in a while, but since he really is the dad of this group she highly doubts it. he deserves some time off and max just doesn’t trust that he fully knows how to.
#( 𝒶𝓃𝓈𝓌𝑒𝓇𝑒𝒹 — ❛・° › and all she sends me back is rain.#ft. ethan#kiss kiss#we ignore how late this is
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basil, edelweiss, magnolia
basil : does your muse have a love - hate relationship with anyone or anything ?
i know i keep bringing this bitch up, but she’s such a crucial and detrimental part of who maxine is .. yeah, it’s her mother.
kelly sinclair wanted a son.
maxine sinclair is born an august night, a miracle to her father and a liability to her mother. maxine sinclair is born into a household with a permanent draft, a home where her father tries to shield her from her mother’s harsh words and incessant critique even when she’s just a baby. a home that’s always just a little too cold.
girl grows up with a father who wants to give her the world and a mother who expects the world from her. elden sinclair works long hours and kelly is at home, tending to her family, teaching max to cook, to clean, to read and write, to look this way and act that way, to not sit like that, to chew with her mouth closed or she’ll get slapped, to finish her meal or not eat at all. kelly teaches max to bottle up her feelings so much that when they spill it’s not a rainfall, it’s a hurricane. and how it spills for maxine sinclair.
kelly holds max’s hand when they go grocery shopping. kelly does so because her child is unruly, the way children are, and max mistakes this for protection, for warmth, for safety. kelly raises her voice because her child is talking back, and max confuses this with tough love. max holds onto her mother as she grows and kelly’s leash grows shorter and shorter and shorter. she will make the perfect daughter out of max, or she will make an obedient pet. either way she’ll be a worthy accessory.
and max ? so willing, so desperate for love even when it’s not true, holds on hoping that someday she can stop working for her mother’s approval, stop earning her love. but deep down she knows it will never come. and she hates her mother for it. and still she loves her, too.
like any child, max craved love. like most children, max craved her mother’s approval. like a sinclair, max learned to fight for both. perhaps this is why the thought of unconditional love overwhelms her now that her father’s comforting touch is becoming a distant memory, a ghost.
kelly wanted a son. and maxine wanted a mother.
edelweiss : what was the bravest moment in your muse’s life ? are they known to be courageous from then on ?
in general max is such a careful and insecure person she always second - guesses every decision she makes so i would not call her courageous in the conventional sense of the word.
but max keeps giving her heart to everyone in hopes of the best and in a way i guess that’s brave — that she can suffer so many losses and still hold on to hope. the time wasn’t ripe when she made a move on kc: she was too insecure, too scared of not being good enough, of not being worthy, but in a way i suppose it was brave to try even if perhaps the time would never be right.
when she found kem, the initial worry was there, and it would’ve been easy to turn the other way and do the sensible thing after her break - up with christian. but instead max decided to trust and melted into him and she’s truly never been happier. i guess, when it comes to love, max is sort of brave because she’s willing to try even when she knows, perhaps better than most, that no matter how much you love someone they can always be capable of hurting you.
magnolia : describe your muse’s relationship with nature & the natural world .
max loves nature. she loves the countryside and dreams of having a little ( mostly ) self - sustained cottage somewhere rural as a summer home. she likes the city aesthetic as well, but she never feels more at home than when she’s visiting her grandparents in idaho. once, many many years ago, her parents took her to australia and whilst max doesn’t remember much of it she knows she loved it and she really wants to go back someday.
what she loves most about nature is, without a doubt, water. the ocean, a lake, a pond — it’s almost as if her ancestry is calling her home. a small coastal town would be her absolute dream.
#( 𝒶𝓃𝓈𝓌𝑒𝓇𝑒𝒹 — ❛・° › and all she sends me back is rain.#ft. kc#ft. kem#tw abuse#sort of#me realizing kelly is a narcissist: oh this makes sense now
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🍵, 🌈
🍵 my muse will reveal one of their biggest regrets
kelly and max never really got along, not even when max was a baby in need of a nurturing and loving mom — not even when max had no opinions of her own, no thoughts beyond her immediate needs. but they were cordial, got along just fine, could make compromises and keep their mouths shut. to each their own, after all. that had been their somewhat successful relationship for years.
the night before the accident, the last night of their easter holiday, kelly and max had fought, again, about max’s future. kelly wanted her daughter to pursue something — anything at this point — and make something of herself, whilst max was happy at high volume, happy with christian, happy in life. elden supported this, leading to a rather loud debate between the two sinclair parents where the result was a painful silence. elden’s last words spoken to his wife had been in this argument, because right after they had gotten into the car together and driven in silence. max was soon asleep in the backseat. and then her dad was dead.
it’s not like this drove a wedge between max and her mom per say: that was already there, and had been ever since max opened her eyes for the first time. but max knows that kelly blames her, partly, for the death of her dad: that maybe, hadn’t max been such a brat, elden wouldn’t have had to drive home in anger, speeding on the highway, crashing. max knows that kelly never would’ve liked her, but had always held out hope that perhaps, as mothers do, she’d find a way to love her daughter in the end. all hope of that is gone now.
that night maxine lost both her parents to a stupid argument about a future that, almost 2 years later, hasn’t changed from that past at all.
🌈 for my muse’s favorite kind of weather
answered here.
#car crash tw#parental death tw#( 𝒶𝓃𝓈𝓌𝑒𝓇𝑒𝒹 — ❛・° › and all she sends me back is rain.#it's emo hour i suppose
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aloe , begonia , chamomile
aloe : how does your muse handle grief ?
answered here.
begonia : how cautious is your muse ? are they prone to noticing red flags , or paranoid to the point of untrusting most everyone ? why or why not ?
max has always been very trusting, but not necessarily naive. she’s ready to believe that there’s good in everyone, and this thought naturally comes from having lead a pretty privileged life, all things considered, but she also understands that people’s intentions aren’t always what they seem — and that some people can be downright cruel. so whilst she notices red flags, she’s much more prone to noticing a lot more of the green ones, and she doesn’t have much to hide or much that she’d be scared of sharing. i think maxine has a healthy amount of skepticism when it comes to strangers, and perhaps is a bit quick to trust once said stranger has crossed the barrier and become a friend. but she does expect loyalty and she expects to be given as much effort as she gives. she should perhaps be more cautious after everything that’s happened, but she believes wholeheartedly that every person in her life has made her richer somehow.
chamomile : what is your muse likely to take away from a painful experience ? are they one to be haunted by adversity , or to use what they’ve gone through to become stronger ?
i think both, depending on what the experience is. school was .. not fun for maxine, as she dealt with bad grades, occasional bullying, being ridiculed by teachers. she didn’t have many friends as she was rather shy and much preferred just trailing in reyna’s wake, befriending the friends reyna made. if anything, that’s made maxine realize what she wants now, and it really has made her stronger and more aware of her own needs. she doesn’t let just anyone walk all over her anymore.
but these are things you can bounce back from. losing her dad on the other hand will always be a wound that will need tending. almost 2 years later and she still finds herself crying at night sometimes with the knowledge that she can no longer just pick up her phone and request his presence. he will never wipe away her tears again, stroke her cheek, share a laugh, bake banana bread with her again. and these are things that make her feel like she loses and loses and loses all over again, every day, when she has to wake up and realize again and again that her dad is not coming back. it hasn’t made her stronger; it’s only made her sadder.
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❤️ 🖤
❤️ for something my muse likes about yours
josie is just so so sweet there’s really nothing to not like. but max really loves how josie is so ready to see the best in everyone. no one seems a lost cause in her eyes, no one seems replaceable. josie has a huge heart and max is aware that this may be due to how she was raised, but regardless of that the heart would still be the same. josie tries so hard to be a good person, but even without that max is pretty sure it would just come naturally to the other girl — that goodness is just in her nature.
🖤 for something my muse dislikes about yours
it’s not something she dislikes per say, but she is concerned that josie may forget to put herself first sometimes. max is scared someone will take advantage of this, or even worse: that josie will have to break before realizing that the expectations have tugged at her too hard. she knows she can’t force relaxation or change, but she so so wishes that josie could see her own worth and realize that she’s good enough as is.
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❤️🖤
❤️ for something my muse likes about yours
max really admires how unapologetic blair is. blair is not scared of demanding her space, nor does she seem scared of attracting attention to herself, and she doesn’t censor herself. it’s these traits that, before they were friends, actually really intimidated max. she’s always respected blair for it, and now that they’re much closer max really envies blair’s ability to command respect, or simply not give a fuck if she doesn’t. it’s really hot.
🖤 for something my muse dislikes about yours
max and blair are very different from one another. max wears her heart on her sleeve and can’t hide a feeling for the life of her. blair, of course, is a talented actress and sometimes max feels as if she doesn’t know the other girl half as well as blair knows her. whilst max can sit for hours and just talk, it doesn’t feel completely natural to ask that of blair — and it’s not that max doesn’t trust her. blair will tell her whatever she’s ready to tell and max is always going to believe her, but she wishes sometimes that blair would let her all the way in so she can offer the same support that blair so often gives her. max feels, sometimes, like she takes more than she gives in their friendship.
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💬
💬 for my muse saying what they really think about yours
« jamie is .. » max pauses, searching for the right words. « i actually don’t know jamie that well which, in light of everything, maybe isn’t that weird. but yeah, jamie and i are friends. he’s just really cool and laid - back, maybe a bit too much sometimes. » she chuckles at the memory of a certain shared shift at high volume which at the time had been more sad than anything. « i think he’s nicer than he lets on. like, when everything went down with christian and reyna .. we spent some time together and it didn’t mean anything and i was .. just so lonely and he was there and willing. it was mad rude of me really because it’s not like i really wanted him, just anyone, and he’s not just anyone. he’s jamie. and, like, he wasn’t even mad about all of that. » she pauses, a new revelation taking form. « i wish he had been. angry, i mean. he should’ve been, because he’s worth more than that, and i don’t think he knows or even cares. which .. is sad. because i suspect he’s a really, really good guy underneath all that bad boy - exterior. »
#( 𝒶𝓃𝓈𝓌𝑒𝓇𝑒𝒹 — ❛・° › and all she sends me back is rain.#ft. jamie#said shift is when jamie threw up <3 LMSDHJFS
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