#( 𝐩𝐫𝐢𝐯𝐚𝐭𝐞 ) — bellamy blake.

[alovetold]

tag drop part five.

[alovetold]

❝ if there's just me - then there's no giving me up. i won't tell you you won't ever find someone knew, we both know that wouldn't be true. but i love you damn well. you know i love you more than anything. ❞ but her point seemed to be that sometimes love just wasn't enough. to which he wants to call fucking bullshit. love was supposed to defeat any obstacles. anything standing in their way was supposed to be beaten down and defeated by their epic love. a love he hadn't ever felt before - a love he was sure would never come back to him if he let her go. maybe that made him an asshole, protective - possessive even. he didn't fucking care.

❝ oh baby, my ego is falling apart here. ❞ which wasn't a lie, she was cutting it away, piece by piece with every word she spoke. driving him absolutely insane. he wonders for a moment - is it possible to lose yourself because of a person ? because of hope lost and abandoned ? he already felt like he was walking the wilderness. like he was lost in the woods. ❝ so explode. i can handle it. i've always known you were a ticking bomb, it never scared me. it never kept me away from you. it won't be what makes me leave now. ❞

“     babe,   that’s not  —     ”      it’s not even up for discussion.       she has had relationships before,  all of which didn’t end happily.       but he had always been different,  the immensity of her love was something she did not even know was possible before.      it came unannounced,  when she least expected it,  when she had thought she had locked her heart away.       ℎ𝑒’𝑠 𝑎 𝑝𝑎𝑟𝑡 𝑜𝑓 ℎ𝑒𝑟,  so deeply settled that for as long as she breathes he is present. “      you know there’s just you.       ”

truth be told,  she hasn’t even tried to find it somewhere else,  in another body,  another heart,  another soul.       it was useless.       whenever her friends would mention that there is more fish in the sea,  she almost laughed.        why go looking when the perfect fit has already been found?       “       not that your ego needs to be inflated.       ”       it’s simpler to keep it lighthearted,  to give herself time to rethink what she needs to say,  knows she’s reaching dangerous territory.       one of them is bound to get hurt,  that’s what she has learnt from the years.       if it’s him she’ll never forgive herself.      if it’s her she’s not quite sure how much more she can take.       “      i’m a mess, bell.       not sure i’ll ever not be a mess.       and i wish i could say i could be soft and sweet and proper.       𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐢’𝐦 𝐚 𝐛𝐚𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐲 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐫𝐨𝐥𝐥𝐞𝐝 𝐛𝐨𝐦𝐛 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐢 𝐝𝐨𝐧’𝐭 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐞𝐱𝐩𝐥𝐨𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧.       ”

[alovetold]

❝ that - makes no fucking sense, care. ❞ raising his hands in surrender as he laughs. knowing he's screwed for whatever he found out that he wasn't supposed to know. ❝ was i not supposed to tell elena that i knew ? you could've told me it was a secret, or do i assume everything you tell me is top secret ? - i don't want to risk looking like some blunt idiot. ❞

@lovetold ♡'d ! [ FT. BELLAMY BLAKE ]

                    ❝     just because i tell you things, doesn't mean you're allowed to know them!     ❞

[alovetold]

her words echo in his heart, her voice a ringing in his head that won't quiet. how was he supposed to speak the words that scream in his head ? ( i've tried to let go, but i keep coming back. i can't get rid of you, you've poisoned my mind. you've ruined me for anyone else. ) but those words would not pull her closer, they would push her further away. maybe into the arms of someone else. into the arms of temporary love. men or women who'd use her for a good time, no one that would or even could love her like he did. no, he couldn't do that. not to her, and not to himself. didn't they owe it to themselves ? to fight for this.

❝ how often have you felt for someone the way you feel for me ? be honest. ❞ because if the answer was never, he'd stay. he'd stay till the bitter end. he'd jump into the ice cold water, he'd walk into the burning building - he'd go down with the fucking titanic. right until she tells him there's someone else. he wasn't sure he could ever recover from that, no matter how much he'd want to. ❝ you can't lie to me on that one, baby. i know i'm the first one, i know i'm the only one. ❞

heavy sigh leaves crimson lips,  the once straight posture collapsing,  as if she can curl onto herself,  make herself smaller,  disappear even.       this is always the problem:  she starts so confident,  words fall from lips with organised ease.       and then he calls out her act within seconds.       “      how are we going to do that?       haven’t we been trying?     ”       maybe not enough.       𝑖𝑡’𝑠 𝑎 𝑟𝑒𝑐𝑢𝑟𝑟𝑒𝑛𝑡 𝑡����𝑒𝑚𝑒 𝑖𝑛 𝘩𝑒𝑟 𝑙𝑖𝑓𝑒, 𝑡𝘩𝑖𝑠 𝑛𝑒𝑣𝑒𝑟 𝑏𝑒𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑒𝑛𝑜𝑢𝑔𝘩, 𝑛𝑒𝑣𝑒𝑟 𝑑𝑜𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑒𝑛𝑜𝑢𝑔𝘩.      and it’s ridiculous,  really,  how she’s certain she’d take a bullet to the head for him but somehow making things work between them is a hardship.

“     you never give up, do you?     ”      even when he probably should.       she should come with a warning label,  a long list of all the reasons one should stay away.       but even then she has a suspicion that’d simply draw bellamy nearer.       𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐠𝐨 𝐛𝐞𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐢 𝐝𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐨𝐲 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐭𝐨𝐨.      selfish how those words don’t come out,  how she keeps them locked because deep down he’s right:  she wants this.       he’s the best part of whatever is left of her beating heart.       “     i’m so tired, bell.     ”        the confession comes in the form of a whisper,  voice shaking.      “    it’s more often i see you like this than happy and that’s on me.       it’s more often we’re alone than together.       i don’t know why you keep coming back.     ”

[alovetold]

love hurt. if he had learned anything through his time alive, it was the fact that love hurt. but that didn't mean you could just quit. you had to fight for what you loved, even if it was painful at times. a sigh escapes him as two fingers press onto the bridge of his nose. it ached in his chest, like something rotten had replaced the once beating heart he kept there. that something dead was now there, right where the thing that should keep him alive once beat. ❝ then we fucking wait, cass. if it's the wrong time ... we make it the right time. ❞

maybe he was too stubborn for his own good, but letting go of cassia would be like losing a limb. he'd feel empty, he'd walk wrong, breathe wrong. he'd exist the wrong way. without cassia it was like he had been born backwards. she had been the only thing that made the world make sense. he needed it. he needed her, and he fucking loved her. it wasn't fair. nothing golden can ever stay, well, whoever said so would be fucking wrong. ❝ i'm not walking out on you. i won't do it. i came here to get you back. don't say you don't want that too, baby. i know you do. ❞

                        jaw tenses,  hazel hues avoid @lovetold's gaze for once,  fingers grip the coffee cup that she focuses on instead.       usually,  she is not bad with hard conversations,  does not hide from confrontation,  but the tone in his voice is enough to break her spirit,  a stabbing pain bellow her ribcage,  𝑤𝘩𝑒𝑟𝑒 𝑒𝑣𝑒𝑟𝑦𝑡𝘩𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑡𝑒𝑛𝑑𝑒𝑟 𝑟𝑒𝑠𝑡𝑠.       “     because just love isn’t enough to sustain a relationship, bell.     ”       the words come automatically,  as if practiced,  because she has told herself the same thing a million times before.       a constant battle of what needs to be done versus what the heart wants.       “     we weren’t good for each other.       you were busy,  i was busy.      we didn’t make time for each other.     and when we did spend time together we were fighting more often than we were actually happy.     ”      looking back cassia can now tell it wasn’t any of their faults in particular.       frustrations pile up,  their tempers not the easiest to handle,  the smallest of inconveniences could set them off,  exterior forces influencing the way they ended up treating each other.       it wasn’t fair by all means,  she will take the responsibility for it,  but it was one more reason to leave.      what good was she doing to him?       when the answer came short she knew it was time to end it.       “     i’m not blaming you.     ”      the correction comes quickly,  eyes finally reaching his as to assure him,  ghost of a smile crossing her lips,  even if a sad one.        “     𝐝𝐨𝐞𝐬𝐧’𝐭 𝐦𝐞𝐚𝐧 𝐢 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐚𝐧𝐲 𝐥𝐞𝐬𝐬.       i guess sometimes it’s the right person but the wrong time.     ”