#'you handled it fine for the year before you got diagnosed' = i was in a state of fairly constant pain for a year. it wasn't like. OKAY

[beingatoaster]

I think "I don't want to be in pain and fuzzy-headed for four days to a week" is a perfectly reasonable stance to take and fully justifies some paranoia around what I put in my body, actually

[her-power]

So Called Chaos (Part Two: Modern single dad! e.m x fem reader)

❤️‍🩹🚨‼️18+ Minors DO NOT interact ‼️🚨❤️‍🩹

Trigger warnings/content warnings: Talk of suicide, talk of death, grief, hurt, comfort. Talk of PPD/PPA. Strong Language. Fluff. Lots of kissing, some petting, nothing explicit.

Summary: Full summary on Part One.

Word Count: 3.2k

(Reader POV)

You stare at yourself in the bathroom mirror, your hair dripping wet from your shower. You stare at the scar that sat below your left breast and wraps around to your back was slowly starting to fade, which made you happy, it was a constant reminder of that horrible night five years ago. You sigh, opening the bathroom mirror, taking out your morning pills. 80 mg of Prozac, 1000mg of gabapentin for nerve pain, Excedrin twice a day for migraines, 800mg ibuprofen for muscle pain. You didn’t even bother to go over the nighttime list; you were tired of taking pills, but it had become your daily routine for the last three years since you left the hospital. Moving back to your parents’ house was a decision you and your psychologist made together, but you were set on starting over, leaving the place where your entire life ended. Your mother’s death after the accident was the tipping point, you weren’t sure if you could handle anymore loss, and there was speculation that your mother took her own life. Your father was diagnosed with early onset dementia, you tried to visit him at least twice a week. He still had his sense of humor, but there were times he would ask you about her…about him, and you had to smile, tell him that they were okay, and change the subject.

Moving back to Indiana was a fresh start, and it almost felt like fate to you when you ran into Eddie Munson. The boy you grew to love in a short amount of time, the boy you thought about even when you said your ‘I dos’ to your late husband. Your stomach churns when you think about Sam, your sweet, kind, beautiful husband, he held on until the very end, talking to you while you were pinned beneath the dashboard, the air freezing, the sound of sirens swarming around you. You didn’t know at the time he was impaled in the stomach by a piece of metal, that once they removed him and the piece of metal, he would bleed out and die. He knew he was dying, but he made sure to keep you talking.  “Remember when we went to Aruba?”

“I can’t feel my legs…why is it so cold…”

“Keep talking to me, baby.”

“I can’t see you…where is Lily?”

“They got her out…”

“Sam…are we dying?”

“No…stay with me…”

“Do you think there’s waterfalls?”

You were delirious at that point, you were falling in and out of consciousness, your lungs were heavy, they rattled when you breathed in. 

You grip the sink in front of you, a panic attack settling in, you didn’t want to take your anti-anxiety, you need to do the deep breathing. You need this anxiety to go away before you saw Eddie, you weren’t ready to show him this side of you yet, you weren’t ready to tell him what happened to you, your husband, and your daughter. 

“We can keep her comfortable, but there is no brain activity…”

“I don’t understand…she was fine…” You whisper, the pain in your bones becoming unbearable, you felt your heart turning to stone. 

“You have been the reason why she has been hanging on for these last six months, I know you probably don’t believe it, but she can hear you. It’s your choice what you want to do next.” 

You inhale a sharp breath. “Let her be hooked up to machines or let her die? How does a mother make that decision?”

Tears fill your eyes, and you wheel yourself over to your three-year-old daughters' bedside. You take her little hand in yours. “I’m so sorry, baby girl.” You cry, kissing her palm and stroking her blonde curls. “You’re our little fighter. Daddy is waiting for you, okay? Don’t be afraid. I’ll find you.” 

You sit on the floor of your bathroom, hyperventilating and you groan, holding your stomach. You let out a loud wail, full of anger and sadness. Your family never got justice; the drunk driver was released after only being in prison for a year. And you couldn’t bear the thought of staying in the same town where he resided. 

You lean your head back, breathing in slowly through your nose and out your mouth. Deep breaths, baby. They’re coming I promise. Your heart rate slows, and your tremors disappear. 

After giving yourself a few moments to calm down more, you step into your bedroom and get dressed. You toss an oversize knitted sweater over your head, black leggings, and your doc martens. You toss your hair up into a messy bun, dab your face in subtle make up and lip balm. You stretch your back, feeling your spine pop back into place and you grab your car keys.��

You had texted him that you were on the way to the café, and he had asked you for your coffee order. When you pull into the lot, you are amazed at how quaint this place was. It must’ve been new; it was on the same strip of road where Miss Byer’s store was. 

You spot Eddie’s hair as soon as you walk in, he’s making silly faces at Hunter who is sitting in his highchair, eating a cake pop. Eddie meets your eyes, and he smiles, standing up as you walk over to him. He hugs you tightly, and you look down at Hunter who gives you a large toothy grin.

“Oh hello, handsome, you look just like your Daddy.” You smile, gently tickling his cheek and he giggles. You sit down across from Eddie who hands you your coffee and Hunter goes back to eating his cake pop, while watching a toddler educational video on Eddie’s phone. Eddie leans his chin on his palm as he stares at you and you blush, sipping your coffee. 

“You’re staring.” You giggle, tucking a stray hair behind your ear. 

“I know, I’m sorry.” He laughs, leaning back in his seat. “It’s just wild that after all this time…”

“Yeah.” You smile, looking into his eyes. The same ones you fell in love with all those years ago; the eyes that held a story, even now. 

“What have you been doing all these years?” He asks you, and you should’ve known that would’ve been a question he’d ask you. You swallow a lump in your throat, your leg bopping under the table. 

“I graduated from college with a degree in English and teaching. I was an English teacher in the town I was living in for about ten years. Met my…husband at the school I was teaching at.” You smile at him, and he smiles sweetly at you. 

“Where’s your husband now?” He asks. 

Just tell him this part. Just tell him the first part of your tragic story. The rest will come later. 

“He…he died, about five years ago.” Your eyes are welling up, but you don’t bother to push them back. 

Eddie’s breath hitches and he lets out a huff. “Jesus, I’m so sorry.” He reaches over to grasp your hand and you take it willingly. You meet his eyes; they were sad for you. 

“I’m okay.” You tell him with a grin. “I promise. I’m okay.”

You feel a damp, sticky hand pat the top of your hand and you look to see Hunter’s hand on top of yours, smiling at you. Your heart does a back flip as his blue eyes stare into yours, you take his little 

“He likes you.” Eddie says with a chuckle. “He’s a lady’s man.” 

“Sounds like someone I know.” You glance over at him, and he almost chokes on his drink. 

“I barely had any ladies.” He laughs. “A lot of them just used me because I was in a band.” 

You grin, Hunter grips onto your finger and you feel a certain love creep up on you that you have missed for so long. You make a silly face at Hunter who giggles, and then yawns. Eddie smiles, “He got up way too early this morning.” He brushes his curls from his little head. “He’s probably ready for a nap.” 

You stare at Eddie, wondering if you should say what you’re about to say. “I’m sorry about Olivia.” You say gently. “I didn’t hear much about it, just that she passed, but…I’m really sorry.” You had known Olivia as an acquaintance, seeing her at parties when you were younger, or when you would sneak into the Hideout, from what you remember she was really nice.

Eddie stares at you and swallows hard, nodding his thanks. “I didn’t know you kept up with the trials and tribulations of Eddie Munson.” He jokes.

“Social media has it’s perks.” You laugh. “Robin posts a lot of pictures of this little guy.” 

Eddie rolls his eyes and laughs. “Yeah, she’s obsessed with him. She keeps telling Vicky she wants a baby.” 

“That’s amazing.” You smile. “She should do it.” 

Hunter makes a little squeal and giggles; you take that as a cue that he was getting tired, and it was time to go. Eddie stands up, pulling him out of the highchair and you all walk out of the café. A sudden pain jolts down your leg, causing you to lose your balance but you catch yourself.

“Whoa, are you okay?” Eddie asks, gripping your forearm while Hunter rests his head on his chest. 

You try to laugh it off, but the pain was getting worse. “Yeah, yeah, I’m good. Just some muscle spasms. The luxuries of getting older.” 

Eddie could tell you were in more pain than you were letting on, and you knew you couldn’t drive. You clench your teeth, the pain radiating to your other leg as you lean awkwardly against the wall of the café. You wanted to scream at your body, for taking this moment and ruining it because of your shit damaged nerves and muscles. 

“Sweetheart…you’re shaking.” He tells you gently. “Why don’t I drive you back to my place? I don’t know if I feel alright with you driving home like this. You can sit, relax, put your feet up and we can come back for your car later.”

“Eddie, I’m fine.” You sigh. 

“You’re so not convincing.” He laughs and you stifle a giggle. He switches Hunter to the other side of his hip and gently takes his other arm and reaches out to you. “Come on, can you walk?” 

“I can manage.” You say softly, and his arm wraps around your waist as he easily lifts you from the wall and you slowly walk together towards his truck. You lean against the passenger side door while he buckles Hunter in his car seat. You rummage through your purse to find your gabapentin, and quickly take the tablet, dry swallowing it. The medication would take affect soon, so you had to suffer with the pulsating pain for the next few moments, but you’d been through worse. Eddie shuts the door to the backseat and walks over to you, you smile at him, still gritting your teeth. 

“You’re gonna tell me what this is when we’re back at my house, right?” He says, gently running his thumb over your cheek and you tremble. 

“I’m fine, Eddie.” You whisper and he dips his head down to look into your eyes, giving you a sly smirk and you laugh. “It’s nothing serious. I’m just old.”

“Liar.” He smirks, opening the door for you and he slowly helps you step up into the truck. You roll your eyes, and he winks at you, shutting the door and you sigh. 

“Da…Da…Da…Da…hee…hee…” Hunter says behind you, and you laugh.

“Yeah, your dad thinks he’s funny.” 

“Fun…ee…” Eddie is stepping into the driver’s side and whips his head to look at Hunter. 

“Did he just say funny?” Eddie looks at you, pure pride and excitement on his face. “He just said funny! Good job, buddy!” 

You smile at his boyish face, and Hunter continues to say funny over and over again on the drive back to the house. Eddie is laughing, but also feeling extremely overstimulated with the repetition of the word. “He’s gonna keep saying it, isn’t he?”

You laugh. “Yup. Welcome to parenthood.” 

By the time Eddie had pulled into his garage, Hunter was sound asleep. The medication you took was easing the pain, you were able to gently lower yourself out of his truck and follow him and a sleeping Hunter into the house. His drum set, guitar and musical equipment catches your eye as you walk up to two steps into the house and you smile, glad that he still kept his music talents going after all these years. 

He quietly shuts the door to the garage, and you stand awkwardly in the kitchen. You feel his hand on your lower back. “Go sit down, I’ll be down in a minute.” He whispers and you nod, carefully making your way towards the couch. You flinch as you sit down, you stretch out your legs, wincing as another shooting pain radiates down your leg. You try to focus on something else besides the pain and look at the framed photographs on the wall. There was a nice one of Eddie and Hunter what looks like to be his first birthday and Hunter is holding a toy guitar. You see one of Olivia holding Hunter when he was just born, you had forgotten how pretty she was, and you could see where Hunter got his eyes from. There was a framed autograph picture and gold record of Master of Puppets. That makes you smile, and seeing all the Lord of the Rings merchandise that graced his walls. The pain subsides and you perch your feet up on the ottoman, staring up at the ceiling when you hear Eddie come walking down the hallway. He places the video monitor on the coffee table next to him, sitting down across from you. 

“How long have you been in pain like this?” 

You smirk, he gets right to it. 

“Five years.” You whisper, pulling your left leg under you and stretching out your other leg. 

His eyes widen. “Five years? What happened?”

You sigh. “Eddie, it was a long time ago. I just got some nerve damage and crappy muscles in my legs. It’s just something I have to live with.” 

“What happened?” He asks you again and you sigh, pulling your hair out of your bun and letting it fall, rubbing your scalp to soothe the tightness. 

“Car accident. We were hit by a drunk driver.” You whisper. 

Eddie is quiet. “Is that how your husband died?” 

You nod, stretching out your leg again, you wanted to leave out what happened to Lily for as long as you could. “That is how my husband kicked the bucket.” You lean forward to massage your calf and chuckle. “Sorry, my trauma response is dark humor.” 

Eddie stares at you, pointing to your shoes. “May I?” You stare at him and then your shoes. 

“What do you want with my shoes?” 

He laughs. “I don’t want your shoes, dummy. Take them off.” 

You stare at him and lean forward, untying your boots and kicking them off your feet. You stretch your toes and Eddie takes your foot, resting it against his knee. 

“Where does it hurt the most?” He asks you, gently massaging the top of your foot. 

“Eddie, you don’t have to do this.” You say, blushing at the softness of his fingers as they glide over the exposed skin of your ankle. 

“You’re in pain, and I’m not a fan of people I care about being in pain.” He smiles at you. “Where does it hurt?” 

You sigh, pointing to your middle calf area. “Here.” 

He gently rubs his palm against your calf, and you groan, he stops and meets your eyes. “Are you okay?”

“It’s just…” You sigh, adjusting your position. “Why are you doing this?” 

Eddie isn’t sure how to answer that, he isn’t sure why he’s doing it. He just knows he wants to; he wants to make you feel better. His hands continue to massage your calf, and he gently lifts your pant leg. The first thing he sees is the end of a stem of a tattoo, covering a large scar. The tattoo is three red roses, wrapped around a thin sword. Eddie glances up at you and sees that your eyes are filling with tears, and you have to look away from him. 

“Hey, hey, hey.” Eddie leans towards you, cupping your cheek and you shake your head, tears spilling over your cheeks. You inhale, gasping as a sob escapes your lungs and he moves next to you on the couch, pulling you to him. He holds the back of your head and cradles you to his chest. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to overstep.”

“You…you didn’t…” You gasp and you have to pull back from him. “Eddie…I’m not…I’m not the girl you remember…there’s things that happened that completely changed the person I was.”

Eddie stares at your face. “I’m not the same boy you remember.”

You meet his eyes. “This was a mistake, coming here. Seeing you…there’s so many things that are coming back and so many feelings that I can’t even process right now. I can’t let you see this side of me, you’ve already seen too much.” 

He whispers your name, reaching up to hold your face and you try to flinch away, but his hands are soft, and he instantly relaxes you. “What I see is a woman who is trying her damn best to keep her head above water, who experienced too much loss. What I see is a beautiful, strong, resilient woman who I can’t believe walked back into my life.” 

You squeeze your eyes shut, shaking your head. “Eddie…”

“If you want to leave, you can leave, but I’m telling you right now…there’s a reason we met at the bookstore. There’s a reason you’re here right now…after all this time.” His face is so close to yours and you can’t help but stare directly into his eyes. 

“I can’t bring you into this…with everything you have going on.” 

Tell him what happened to Lily, baby.

No. No. I can’t. I can’t. It’s too damaging. I don’t even like saying it.

The two of you can help each other. 

No, no, Sam, please. I can’t. It’s not fair to him.

I think he loves you.

I loved you! And you died. 

Tell him, baby. 

You squeeze your eyes shut, shaking your head, tears continuing to spill on your cheeks. This was too much; all of this was too much. 

You take his hands away from your face, pressing your forehead against his. You couldn’t tell him.

Not yet.

You couldn’t tell him about your baby girl.

Your forever three-year-old.

Not yet.

Not yet. 

So instead, you kiss him. 

(Taglist - thank you for all your support my beauties, it means the world - @mysticpeachobject @kellsck @eddiesguitarskills @fearless-wretch-insanity @darknesseddiem @amberolivia666

[shayshaybiscuit25]

Y'all with this thing about ways he could be coping. You know it doesn't go down well with some people. ///

I will just say this…diff anon here and I do agree he’s doing something to cope. I don’t want to argue with anyone or create a debate, but I want to give some food for thought in general. I know it’s a sore subject for a lot of people, but as someone who’s been through major depression myself & tried to take my life before and been surrounding by addiction, I think people getting upset by suggesting it don’t truly get it. And they should be lucky that they don’t.

One, addiction is a disease. It’s not something to look down on or avoid the subject because it’s uncomfortable. Do we look down on people with asthma or brain tumors? No because it’s a disease. Addiction is the same. So if someone brings up “oh man I hope he’s not on drugs or heavily drinking,” people want to jump down their throats saying we can’t armchair diagnose someone. But really it’s just concerned people. I’d rather have that than no empathy at all. It’s like if you see someone running in the park, grab their chest and suddenly collapse, should we not call 911 for a possible heart attack? I mean we can’t armchair diagnose someone right? It’s the same thing.

If I was a little down, and someone came to me to make sure I was okay and was concerned I was on drugs, I’d be hella confused at first but honestly it’s the sentiment that counts. They care enough to ensure I am getting the help I need and notice something is off.

Going through depression feels like a bottomless pit you can’t escape. And a lot of people mask it well to avoid others being uncomfortable. How many times does someone unalive themselves and family and friends say “but we didn’t know!!!” There ya go. Do we not remember the shock that came with Robin Williams death?? A lot of the times in hindsight, the clues were there openly. And many times if someone does come out and say “I’m depressed and I’m going through it” people will claim they are just attention seeking or they avoid talking to them because “they bring the mood down so much.” Or “they shouldn’t post that kind of stuff on social media. Save that for a private journal!” But it’s all cries for help. So people chose to hide the pain instead of lie and say they’re fine. And since they can’t talk about it, they find other ways to cope and numb the pain. Whether alcohol, drugs (recreational or prescription) and sometimes self inflicting pain.

At the end of the day, it’s mental health. And while no, no one knows him personally….its nice to know there are some strangers on the internet that care enough about another living being to raise some concerns even if they end up being incorrect. If you’ve ever been around someone who has gone through depression or addiction, you know the signs to clearly look for. They’re subtle and won’t be on a huge banner saying “I want to die or I’m using!!! HELPPPP” But he has the signs. And honestly having your life on hold for 3 years being in a fake relationship, unable to leave your house except for simple errands or work, and having strangers on the internet putting you on blast saying you deserve all this and you’re a terrible person and a liar and a racist….well that will do it. We’ll never know why he got into the mess or why he chose to go along with it but it’s clear he don’t want to be apart of it anymore and is and has been suffering. Honestly put yourself in his shoes for a moment and think about how you would handle all this coming at you nonstop every single day knowing you can’t get out of it because there’s too many diff entities involved. Celebs aren’t unaware of what their fans say - I don’t think people are aware they all lurk whether they admit it or not.

I won’t go in on it because at the end of the day it’s up to him to say “I don’t want to feel like this anymore” and get the help. No one can force him. He has to completely 1000% help himself. But dismissing the idea that he is struggling is also enabling someone who’s hurting. They realize they fool people and feel they can continue doing what they’re doing because no one knows and no one cares. So they go on suffering and you go on denying what is right in front of you. And then the inevitable “oh but I didn’t know” comes up.

This is so informative. Thank you for being a sound mind for others.

[zones-spinterest-corner]

BLOG REVIVAL

Hi hello I’m back! For reference I used to be trg-jsab-zone but I’ve decided to branch out and use this as my main fandom and oc ramble blog! For those new: my name is Zone, I mainly use he/they pronouns, but any are fine (I like fem pronouns the least but honestly do what you want idc gender isn’t on my “figure this out in detail right now” list), I come from England, have diagnosed autism and ME/CFS, and am a young adult!

Strawpage!!!

Details under the cut!

Main interests:

Bold text means something I’m really fixated on at this point in time/a really strong interest but not a main one, bold and italic is a main special interest, and just italic is something I enjoy passively and don’t have extremely passionate feelings towards!

Just Shapes And Beats (main fandom for over 5 years now, still adore the game)

My ocs (Not really a fandom but I love them so much I can’t not mention them here)

-> JSaB subfandoms(?): The Pink Corruption (yes I consider it a JSaB au cry about it, it’s also probably the only JSaB fan series other than my own I’ve made over the years that I’ve actually been hyperfixated on which is weird because it lowkey sucks lmao), Broken Melodies (AWESOME fancomic by @/pinktrashgoblin, may post about it occasionally because I think it’s really awesome)

Undertale/Deltarune (the games are amazing what can I say)

-> UTDR subfandoms: Undertale Yellow (it’s got its flaws but I still really enjoy it), Twin Runes (another fancomic, this time by @/akanemnon, please read it it’s got a great balance of humour and really interesting characters!)

OneShot (The OneShot sleeper agent gets activated on many occasions and I’m not sorry about it)

Cookie Run: Kingdom (I don’t know why I’m here but I’m a proud “White Lily’s character was handled horrendously” and “White Lily and Dark Enchantress should’ve been separate people” truther, honestly I don’t really like the main story of the game I just think the cookies are funny)

Geometry Dash (this fucking game ruined me bro)

Project Arrhythmia (not all that active in the community anymore tbh, just kind of a passive thing I check in on occasionally now)

Minecraft (the interest comes and goes but I will always love the funny block game as it was my first true introduction to the wonders of video games)

Everhood (idk I think about it occasionally, the game is fun as long as you don’t think about the story too hard (I did and I was never the same), kind of have mixed opinions but am hopeful for the sequel)

ENA (I LOVE THE FUNNY POLYGON WOMAN!!!!! Really looking forward to Dream BBQ)

The Amazing Digital Circus (I just watch the series man I do not interact with the fandom they terrify me, the series is really good though and doesn’t deserve the hate it gets because of the content farms and brainrot content)

Friday Night Funkin (honestly I just enjoy some of the mods, I really like Funkadelix but am always weary of creators because of many events I’m sure I don’t need to explain)

Before you follow and “I will block you if”s

BYF:

I’m British (I know it’s a cardinal sin, at the very least I can say I don’t like beans on toast lmao)

I am prone to getting caught up in the heat of the moment and saying things I regret, I’m not the best at managing my emotions but I am trying!

Some of the things I enjoy don’t have good creators and I acknowledge that! In fact I don’t even watch TPC on YouTube because I refuse to touch Mirei/Brea’s channel lmao

I swear! Sometimes I feel non-swear words don’t accurately convey what I’m trying to say!

I use tone indicators! They’re not required when talking to me but I use them a lot as I’ve had a lot of problems with people misinterpreting the intent of what I’ve said in the past and would rather avoid unnecessary conflict over it! If it makes you uncomfortable I’ll try and cut down but it is a habit at this point

I am a self shipper and will probably talk about it occasionally! It won’t be the main focus but if it makes you uncomfortable please turn away!

In the same vein - I’m a conceptkin of the JSaB level Into The Zone! I’m not like. Hugely serious about it, I mostly just look at the level and go “hehe that’s me! :3”, and also might not talk about it a lot, but again, if it makes you uncomfortable do not stay!

Will block if:

You hate people based on harmless things they cannot control (i.e gender, sexuality, or race, though there’s plenty more things that fall into that category)

You are a pro/com/darkshipper (I do fully believe that sensitive topics should be discussed in media, but in a respectful way that doesn’t romanticise/sexualise them, which is something most if not all of proshippers do, I also just am very uncomfortable with immoral ships and the discourse)

Are pro cringe culture (people can make cringy and “bad” stories/ocs/headcanons/whatever as long as they don’t hurt anyone you assholes, I started making things by being cringe and if I had any awareness of what cringe culture is back then I probably wouldn’t be creating like I am, don’t shame people for harmless things like this it just makes you a jerk)

You are/interact with/are mutuals with/want to constantly complain about cintagonisupset (I’m tired of hearing about him in any capacity please shut up he’s not a good person but he also doesn’t deserve to be relentlessly bullied for relatively harmless posts, he’s also a minor and I’m an adult so I think it’s wrong to mindlessly bully him as I am older, I’ve also made similar mistakes to him and his friends in the past and I regret it severely and have changed! Please just go away if you wanna talk about him in any capacity)

You support bad content creators (liking their creations is fine, as long as you don’t condone what they’ve done!)

You harass people for liking a piece of media (seriously bro, I’ve had bad experiences with media in the past but I don’t shame and bully people for liking those things, I just block and move on)

You’re the type of person to look at a disabled person doing something you don’t consider characteristic of being disabled and go “hmm they must be faking it” (you suck seriously, I’m chronically ill and use mobility aids where I can, but I am also ambulatory and being able to walk short distances doesn’t make me any less disabled! This is a topic I’m quite passionate about so honestly if any talk of physical disability makes you uncomfortable you should probably leave)

That got really long lol but that’s everything for now! Will probably edit in the future but other than that I’m done!

[animal-lover-forever]

Guys, I need advice.

(Putting a 'Keep reading' because there's a lot to read.)

My dad, I do love him... at least I think I do. Recently I've been wondering if this is true love I feel for him, or if it's love that I've been trained to feel.

When I was 12- well actually I was 11 but it was Sep. 19th- I moved in with my dad (Andrew) and stepmom (Amy) because my mom couldn't handle me anymore and desperately needed a break.

As a child with late diagnosed Autism, I couldn't get help to understand the world from professionals. Because of this, a lot of people didn't understand me, and I was often in a meltdown. It was pretty much guaranteed that I would at least have one meltdown if not 3+ a day.

Most of these meltdowns were at school. Why? Well, my body was essentially always in flight or fight mode- which is a big reason I didn't start making and keeping memories until I was a teen. But we will come back to this- when it came down to it, I would try flight first. I would often run into a closet at school but the teachers never liked that. "She can't be unsupervised." "There are things in there, like scissors, that she could get into and we can't have that." Because of this, they would often physically grab me and drag me out.

All Autistic people are different, but a lot of us show similar things, do similar things, and have similar triggers, ticks, and coping tricks. So here's a pro tip for interacting with someone with Autism. Do not touch us! Be sure to ask before you give us a hug, or a pat on the back, etc. A lot of us don't like to be touched, and touching us might just make things worse. Yes, it is human nature to want to touch someone who's not feeling well, who's sad or mad just so we can try to make them feel better. But do yourself, and them a favor by asking first!

Anyway, because they would grab me and drag me out, I was forced into fight mode. I would often try to run out of the room, but they often stopped me. And I hate feeling trapped! No, I do not have claustrophobia. I actually kinda like small spaces, hence the closets. But when I lock myself in a room, I feel safe. When someone else locks me in a room, I feel trapped. It doesn't matter how big the room is, if someone is keeping me in there, I feel trapped.

This was a recurring problem. And day after day, I wore my mom down and broke her. Because of my meltdowns, everyone around me would often leave. But my mom? She never did; she was always by my side no matter what... Until she wasn't. I was starting another meltdown, and my mom was threatening to call the cops on me because she was done. I didn't believe her; why would the one person who stayed by my side for 11 years suddenly leave me? But she did. They were going to put me in a mental hospital. My mom told my dad this, and he came down to get me.

My dad then proceeded to have me until I was 16. Because once I was 16, I made the decision to leave to go back to my mom for good.

He has three daughters, but I'm the only one to talk to him let alone be 500 feet around him. None of his family will talk to him, and if they do, it's a fight about something. I think the last time he talked with any of his family was about 4 years ago and it was a fight. His sister had died and he was fighting with his other sister over the phone. I am his only family besides Amy. So if Amy leaves, I'm the only one left.

My dad is broken. He has diabetes, heart and back problems, and many other things. He's not broken enough to not just sit on his ass all day. Yet that's what he says. He can't get a job because he can't sit for too long, he can't stand for too long, he can't drive, or walk for too long! He can't do anything for too long. But that's all he does all day is sit.

He often had me doing chores, okay fine, that's normal. But then he would start me on a new chore, like mowing the lawn. He said that we would take turns mowing every other time. But then he got sick and said that I had to do it but when he got better he would come back to help. But he never did. "You need to learn responsibility, so do it yourself."

I went from doing one chore to doing them all. I had to do the dishes, sweep the floor, mop the floor, take out the trash, clean up all the dog poop, vacuum the floor, rake the leaves, pick up all the bad apples that fell from the tree, scoop the dog poop outside, mowing the lawn, cleaning the lawn mower after mowing the lawn, cleaning the bathroom, cleaning the kitchen, cleaning the living room. Over time, my dad put all of his chores on me. I was no longer his daughter that was a resident in his home, but an object that my dad could use to get the chores done so he could fuck off all day. I had more chores than how old I was! And if I didn't do them right, I got yelled at.

He would often talk me down and be a dick to me. "Baby girl, you're fat. I'm not fat-shaming, I'm just telling you the truth, you're fat." He would say as he was fat-shaming me. "I'm teaching you life lessons! The world is full of assholes!" He would say as he was being the asshole. And he was big on manipulation.

I had separation anxiety from my mom. So I called her all the time. Especially once I moved in with my dad. However, over time, my separation anxiety went away, so I started to call and talk to her less and less near the end. Now that I'm with my mom again, I don't talk with my dad unless he starts the conversation. And the conversation always starts with "Why the fuck am I having to hunt you down again? You talked to your mom all the time! Why don't you talk to me?" Not true, near the end, my mom had to 'hunt me down' too.

He loves me, that I am sure of. He just doesn't know how to show it without hurting me. "You know I love you, Dax, right?" "Yeah, I know. I love you too, dad." "You know you're my favorite, baby girl, right?" "Yeah, I know. You tell me all the time."

When I think back on it, I have no happy memories of my dad. I have some that start out happy, but they all end in disaster at some point.

I-... I feel like I should cut contact with him. But I don't know if I should. If I do, what will he do to get contact back with me? Will he resent me because the last of his family- his daughter- left him? I honestly don't know what to do... Does anyone have advice? Do you guys think I should stay in contact with my dad? Or do you think I should drop contact with him?

[sibyl-of-space]

oh myg od i finally fixed a bug that's been in the linux build since literally the very first build and it's not actually my fault it is a unity issue that is so specific that i don't think anyone else has encountered it before which is why it was driving me fucking insane.

but it's fixed. it's fine.

THE BUG:

After your cursor changes when you hover on an interactible, when it goes back to the default cursor, that default cursor just fuckign disappears. AND STAYS DISAPPEARED. FOREVER. EVEN ACROSS SCENES. GOOD LUCK CLICKING ON SHIT IN THE MENUS

THIS ONLY HAPPENS IN LINUX.

???????

After about a thousand bilion years, I have found the problem. It only arises under the following specific circumstance:

You force a software cursor

You then try to return to the auto/hardware cursor

AND THE REASON.... is that PREVIOUSLY, there was a DIFFERENT bug for Linux where forcing a software cursor caused the software and hardware cursors to display simultaneously. It seems the workaround to this was at a very high level within Unity, when you force a software cursor it hides the hardware cursor.

That hiding the hardware cursor is so high-level that it fucking stays hidden even if you set the cursor back to auto (hardware) after. EVEN IF YOU FORCIBLY SET CURSOR.VISIBLE TO TRUE

It was so hard to diagnose this because nobody else is doing the bullshit I am doing going between software and hardware cursors (I had to do this for Windows, because in Windows I wanted a hardware cursor default just for performance, but I needed software cursors on hover so I could use bigger cursors than 32x32... and I didn't have Linux at the time so I assumed stupidly that what worked on Windows would work on Linux).

Anyway, it's fine. It's fucking fine. I finally figured it out. And luckily Linux, like MacOS, can handle big and awkward-shaped hardware cursors, so I never have to force software cursors on Linux and can just keep it hardware all the time and it's fine. Issue resolved.

But this was possibly the most annoying issue I've had to solve so far because for once it wasn't my janky code it's literally a bug in Unity itself.

SILVER LINING: I got to use the 2015 shitty laptop I rescued from the work e-waste and turn it into my Linux test machine, and now I have a computer with Linux on it. I honestly love it so far. It's like all the things I love about MacOS and Windows and none of the shit I hate about both. NO BLOATWARE. FIREFOX DEFAULT BROWSER :)

[queerlilchinchin]

When Death Does Us Part, Part I

Part I: Endings Are Beginnings

Genre: Romance/superhero Wordcount: 906 Trope: [friends to] enemies to lovers

--

As a young child, it had always been my dream to be a hero, to be the savior of the planet, to be the one that saved those in need. I grew up in a subpar household. I wasn’t abused or neglected, it was just… boring. Everyone around me led such exciting lives, traveling around the world, living in huge mansions, and I?... well, I didn’t have any of that.

My family wasn’t poor, don’t get me wrong. We were just average, living in a rich town. My friends all went on these amazing, exotic adventures every year with their families while I was trapped at home, babysitting my little sister.

It was fine. Don’t get me wrong, it could have been so much worse. We had everything we’d ever need. We weren’t hurt or told we were a burden. Our parents loved us very much, and they made sure we knew it. It was just… when you live around people that get to do all of these amazing things, it tends to dull the color from your world. It tends to make you forget how fortunate you really are.

When I was 20, my father got diagnosed with Cancer. It was the hardest thing I ever had to deal with, watching him wither away until there was nothing left… and then 3 months later, we lost him entirely. My best friend tried to be there for me, but I shut down completely, isolated myself away from the world. I didn’t want to be around all of these people with their perfect lives and perfect homes. It was too much. The color that had previously dulled from the excitement around it now was lost entirely. No longer was being the savior my priority. Now just surviving day to day was.

My mother and sister tried to reach out several times, but it took my mother passing before I finally came out of my cave. I completely broke that day. I couldn’t handle it anymore. The world was so cruel. While all of my old classmates were living it up in other countries and regions around the world, I was over here, trying to pick the remains of my life back up.

Again, my friend reached out and tried to get me out of the house, but I was swallowed up in my misery and could no longer fathom doing anything but crying. The idea of being happy was no longer a concept I understood. Smiling was no longer an expression I wore. I just frowned, curled up in my bed, and withered away into nothing myself.

–

I wake with a start, gasping for breath. Something feels different. I glance around me in a groggy fog.

Why do I feel so…

I stare down at my hands and feel a weird sensation of loss and regret unlike I had already been feeling. Something is different… something is different… something is-

A desperate knock startles me, making me jump. I go to the door and attempt to open it, but my hand goes through it. Blinking in confusion, I attempt again, but the same thing happens a second time.

A familiar distressed voice calls through the door, “You can’t keep me out forever! You’ve not come out of your apartment in weeks, your neighbors said so. You have to come out… please, your parents wouldn’t want this for you.” Her words hit hard, even though I know they come from a place of love and I call back, “Fuck you for bringing them into this!”

She pauses and knocks louder. “Come on, please!” Her tone changes to anguish. “I know you’re hurting… just let me be here for you.”

“Yeah, you really want to be here for me saying stuff like that!” I call back. She sniffs, making it more than clear that she’s crying on the other side of the door. Again, I try to open it, but I can’t touch it.

“What is happening to me?” I mutter, getting irritated with not only my friend, but with my body as well. She sniffs again, then I hear footsteps walk off into the distance. So much for wanting to-

BANG!

A loud thud startles me out of my thought and causes me to jump again.

“LET ME IN!” She screams desperately. “LET ME IN RIGHT NOW! I’m not losing you, and at this rate, I’m going to! Please!” BANG BANG BANG!

I think she’s slamming her body against-

Before I can finish the thought, she slams the door open and immediately gasps in shock. She’s looking right through me. Confused, I ask, “What?”

She ignores my question and slowly moves past me. She walks right through me and I gasp for breath has I feel her pass through me. She doesn’t even seem to notice me. I open my mouth to yell at her, but as I’m turning to follow her with my eyes, I’m silenced by my own shock.

I’m lying on the bed. My body has withered away. I look like death. She collapses to her knees and cries, burying her face into me and grasping my shirt in her hand.

“Why!? What have you done?” She cries against my chest, body rocking with every sob. I stay silent this time, watching as my best friend mourns my death.

How am I dead… how has this happened?

Numbed with shock and confusion, I continue to watch in complete silence.

[restinthewest]

Have you identified Hallow's stomach issues? My boy has always had an extremely sensitive stomach, and even stuff he likes he'll turn his nose up at randomly/ throw up after eating. The vets have never given an answer outside he's sensitive but I feel so bad when he gets an episode where he starts skipping his meals. Any tips? He'll ignore his 250$ a month food frequently and I just don't know what to do to help at this point.

Hi! I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this. Stomach issues can be so stressful.

Honestly, not really. Hallow's had a long history of stomach ailments. Right before I brought her home when she was a puppy she came down with a severe bout of giardia (her environment was clean, but she's from Oregon and unfortunately with the location/time of year it was rampant). She struggled with reoccurrences of giardia frequently as a puppy and I have a suspicion it caused long-term damage to her system, but no actual data.

When she was an adolescent she began having episodes of severe gastro hemorrhaging which was presumptively diagnosed as hemorrhagic gastroenteritis. The cause is not known. The episodes were always traumatic and she always took a while to bounce back from them physically.

She does fine with people food (in moderation) but only tolerates a couple of brands of dog food- which until recently, I had to beg her to eat.

I found that the key was to just get her to START eating. Her system handles plain scrambled eggs fine and she loves them, so usually what I'd do was cook her an egg- feed her half of it separately first, then put the rest on top of her food. Usually if I could get her to at least start eating, she'd realize she was hungry and would eat the rest of her actual food. Even with that system, sometimes she'd completely go off her food.

I'm not sure what recently changed. She now eats her food without any coaxing or enticing toppers. About a year ago her vet allowed me to start keeping metronidazole (an antibiotic that is often used in dogs to treat severe/bloody diarrhea) at home so I could give it to her to head off hemorrhaging incidents before they get bad. I had to use it a few times at first but I haven't had to start her on a course in a long time. People are (rightfully) cautious about overusing antibiotics but I don't really know what other choice we had.

If I had to guess I'd say it gave her system a chance to heal and become more resilient but who knows. Before she got better she would often act completely nauseated by her food- she definitely wasn't starving herself just to do it.

Someone on here once gave me some tips for how to quite literally "train" / condition your dog to eat but I can't remember who it was. Shoot.

Best of luck! I wish I had a better answer and I don't know if our story is very similar to yours. There's always the possibility that Hallow's issues come back so I don't know that we've "beaten" them. Hang in there if you can. The not-eating thing has pushed me to the brink on multiple occasions so I totally understand the stress it brings.

[xplrvibes]

What were the key things you found interesting/ liked most in the podcast/interview from yesterday?

So, aside from the things I already covered in the previous asks from aussie anon (just search the "aussie anon" or "snc video review" tags on my blog if you want to read those!), here is what I found interesting/noteworthy during yesterday's podcast:

1, The anxiety discussion: I may have mentioned this earlier (I can't even remember anymore), but I found it interesting how they both found and bonded with each other because of their crippling insecurities, shyness, social awkwardness and anxiety, and yet they both experience/d that in such different ways, and have dealt with it in different ways as well.

I may have said this before as well, but to me, there is a difference between anxiety with a little a, and Anxiety with a big A - and these two are a great example of those differences and how they present themselves and are dealt with. (This is not an indictment for or against anyone suffering from either form, btw - I just think there are difference between the two different ways people can experience anxiety and how they are handled).

Sam has "little a" anxiety. His anxiety was situational, had a clear starting/trigger point, and could be mitigated by addressing the triggers. He had severe insecurity in himself and had a massive fear of public speaking and being noticed because of that; hence, the thought of being noticed or putting himself out there triggered anxiety in him. Once he gained the confidence he needed to put himself out there, he figured out the key to managing those anxious situations, and hasn't had many issues with it since.

Colby has "big A" Anxiety (and yes, I know Sam hastened to say "we haven't been diagnosed" and that's fine, but I'm still rolling with this cause as a person with the official big A Anxiety diagnosis and certificate, I recognize the signs). His Anxiety is chronic, probably chemical, and can present itself at any time, for any reason. There may be some clear triggers (I know he mentioned before that feeling trapped can trigger it), but just as often, he probably just wakes up anxious with no idea why. There's no clear start, and no clear ending to it. It just...is. Knowing is half the battle though, and once you recognize what is going on with your body and what the symptoms are, then yes - you can work with that to lessen the stranglehold it has on your daily life. It is a never-ending struggle, though, and he explained that pretty well (for what little he actually did spend explaining it).

2, Sam's dad being so business minded and smart that he could not only see that these two crazy kids had something going, but that he convinced them to start up their company while they were still in high school is wild. That man has the true gift of foresight lol.

Also, on the subject of parents: all this talk of Sam's dad being such a help to them, so supportive of them, and a hero of sorts to Sam...and all we get from Colby is "our families weren't always supportive." :/

3, The fact that as soon as they got away from Sam's dad's influence, they immediately got scammed into signing away all their adsense under a shitty 3 year deal is kind of funny, actually. I mean, it's sad that it happened, but another point there for our old pal Kirk Golbach, who never woulda let that shit fly, amirite?

Not to mention, this is probably part of the reason why they are so involved in the decision making in every aspect of their business even now and I understand that, having dealt with vendor contracts for a huge portion of my career even though I am emphatically NOT a lawyer. I can only trust myself to not scam myself...so I get it.

4, I think I mentioned this already, but the Sam Pepper Prank.

Look, I know that this fandom has a habit of woobifying Sam, and I know it stems from this. It does. Let's stop denying that this set the tone for how everyone views and treats Sam vs Colby, even to this day.

But the fact that people have gone so far with their delusional that Sam is this hapless little meow-meow and Colby is the dark brooding villain that they would rather believe an utterly ridiculous conspiracy that Sam would actually lie about his trauma o save the guy who happily traumatized him than believe that maybe Sam is not perfect and was just as willingly involved in this, has always frustrated the fuck out of me.

This man has stated multiple times over the years that he was in on it. Why would he lie? Huh? Tell me. It wouldn't have been to protect Colby, cause why would he do that? From things they've said in the past, they weren't getting along that well back then anyway, and their careers obviously hadn't yet taken off to the point where it would've been detrimental to them to split off. If anything, had he split off from Colby at that time, he probably would've fared better than Colby had (since sympathy would've been on his side) so...why?

Sam Golbach is not that altrustic. Nobody fucking is. Nobody. If my mother did something like that to me, I'd motherfuck her all over the internet. Forget a friend trying it.

So...he's explained his method acting at length and how far he went to make this happen, how into it he was, etc. SO CAN WE LET THIS ONE GO NOW?!?!?

5, I admit, I completely zoned out halfway through their quasi-philosophical discussion about the egg theory and whatever else. The religious talk was interesting, but the rest? it just reminded me too much of some of the most obnoxious stoners I ever knew. These are the people who I would avoid like the plague if I saw them pulling out a joint lol.

6, snc love to speak as though they are one person who just somehow got split in two, and that was on display in this podcast. "In our life," and "our dad told us we could have a gap year" are just two examples.

Drunk Colby described it best when he said, "We're going to say something...and it's going to come out of my mouth."

Indeed.

7, The business talk - really interesting to hear the way they operate in their business, and how they've managed to keep it running smoothly all these years when they are also best friends, roommates and basically all but married.

The fact that their finances are so intertwined that they basically have joint 401k's and investments is a little scary, so let's just hope they never have a Lennon/McCartney-esque falling out lol.

But yea, the fact that they don't do anything unless both are in agreement of it is pretty interesting, although the way they kind of skirted the question of "who plays more of a lead role and gets their way more often" has me concerned for Colby, cause we know it ain't him lol.

8, This is going to ruffle some feathers, but I just don't care to be nice about this topic anymore so I'm going to say it. If you think this will upset you, then you should probably just skip this part and go right to #9:

Sam gives me fucking anxiety.

There. I said it. That man feels like an energy drink to me (in a bad way). When he was talking about his obsession with productivity and how he felt like any time he wasn't working was time wasted, I could literally feel my throat closing up from the intense up-ness of that whole discussion and his whole demeanor during it.

I've been in the corporate game for most of my career. I do not like people obsessed with productivity to the point of burn out. Their vibes make me wildly uncomfortable.

Also, I'm sorry - kind of hypocritical how he can say all that while having hired himself some editors and leaving his 50/50 partner holding the whole bag there.

Ahem, anyway: even with all that, I find it interesting that he is fully aware this is an issue, and claims to have tried to solve it. I hope it sticks, cause if it doesn't, this man will have his first heart attack at 32. Calling it now.

Also, lol at Colby being like "Nah, I can chill all day and veg out knowing that I did my shit." GOOD FOR YOU, SIR. Guess who won't be having a heart attack at 32? The supposed lazy guy lol.

9, I found the way Colby talked about having kids to be very interesting, and again - another way in which I think he and Sam differ and yet somehow wind up meshing perfectly.

It seems, from what Colby has said, that he wants to have kids in his 30s and will see that as being his new passion/job in life, meaning the kids will come first and he will gladly walk away from the constant traveling to be a present dad.

Sam, meanwhile, didn't really say much on the topic of kids, but we all know thanks to recent events that he is not ready for any of that, and kind of sees settling down as sort of an end to his youth and fun.

And you know what this made me realize? And it's sad, but I think it's something Sam sees too, maybe.

I think Colby will be the one to pull the plug on the snc channel someday.

Now, I do not think these two will ever be able to function without living in each others' back pockets - but I think Colby is going to be the one to force them both into retirement from a frequent posting and traveling standpoint, and will probably be content to just live off of whatever other side businesses and streams of revenue they will have going for their brand by then. Sam, meanwhile, is probably not going to be able to handle it and will get into either directing or producing or something like that.

But their wives are going to have to learn how to be friends with one another, or shit's gonna be awkward when these two decide to buy houses next door to one another and connect them by a tunnel in the basement.

Anyway, that's it (I think). Overall, lots of info we already knew, but a lot of new info peppered in, and a really decent look into their dynamic and who they are as people. I kind of liked it!

Bonus Item (I lied when I said I was done lol): The whole "following fat people" thing.

Colby was right with what he said, he just said it in a way that was bound to get his dumb little ass in trouble lol.

But he wasn't wrong. Look at all the controversies that happen every single day on tiktok, and how quickly everyone moves past them as soon as a new controversy pops up. There is too much content out there, too much drama, and it all just overlaps one another. This would be maybe 2 days of backlash, tops (especially if they weren't well known).

I'm not saying its right or it's wrong to do it, but that really is the way the internet operates these days.

[vampstel]

I fell asleep. Anyway, here’s an infodump about my two boys (Lawrence + Rei) and their experiences with being neurodivergent. I’ll talk about my other neurodivergent characters a different day :P

Lawrence

He’s autistic. He was diagnosed in his late 20s. He was evaluated once in the late 90s as a preteen but all his behaviours either flew under the radar or were dismissed as quirks.

Sadly got bullied a lot in his school years due to being different but his parents were very supportive (his mother being autistic herself but not being diagnosed either). Thus, he has a lot of trust issues and some trauma he still needs to process.

He’s very blunt and can’t lie to save his life. This has gotten him in trouble many times and most people keep their distance away from him since they deem him rude and intimidating (“but he’s a sweetheart he really is please trust me” - Rei, probably)

He’s absolutely oblivious to nonverbal cues and social cues. Doesn’t understand societal norms and thinks they’re ridiculous. Also, he takes things too literally.

Used to mask as a child to try to fit in but stopped once he got older. He doesn’t give a shit anymore what people think and that’s very cool of him

His special interests are history, music, and cats. He only infodumps when people ask him to but BOY is he passionate when he does. That’s probably the only time you’ll get to see him being expressive otherwise his tone is flat and he looks either bored or angry.

He has sensory issues, has misophonia and can’t handle staying in crowded places. He absolutely despises when people talk too loudly or when voices overlap one another. He gets headaches because of this. He also can’t stand certain tactile textures and food textures. Shoutout to overly crispy food, he hates them with a burning passion.

He regularly stims and isn’t ashamed of it. He mostly stims due to boredom and stress, but occasionally does it when he feels extremely positive emotions. Twirling his hair, drumming his fingers, and spinning anything in his hands are his most common stims. You often see him doing them while he works. I think I mentioned this before but he’s skilled at spinning his conductor’s baton because of this

He’s touch averse but also touch starved which is a great combination that I personally suffer from myself. He gets uncomfortable when strangers touch him but he’s fine with family members and close friends touching him. He is particularly very touchy with Rei and basically makes the raven his weighted blanket or teddy bear at night

When he gets overstimulated, he often leaves the room and isolates himself to try to calm down. If he’s burntout, he takes a few days off work just to indulge in his interests and relax.

Rei

He has ADHD, was diagnosed in his early to mid 20s but is unmedicated because the medications he tried didn’t help him and negatively affected his health. His father, Yuuma, also has ADHD and was diagnosed late in his life. Yuuma is very supportive and helps Rei as much as he can.

He struggled a lot in school, mostly due to deadlines and his workload. He would’ve been top of his class hadn’t it been for the fact he often doesn’t do his homework or projects (and he was a literal delinquent when he was 14 so…)

He had a lot of peculiar hyperfixations and did a lot of hobbies before sticking to art and music. Due to this, he’s got a lot of skills most people don’t know about. Did I ever mention this man was good at fencing?

He suffers a lot with executive dysfunction and burnout. There are days, sometimes even months where he can’t work or do anything and the only thing he can do to cope is to gradually get back into things or just do nothing at all.

He has sensory issues. He has misophonia and gets really bad migraines when it gets triggered. He often has his noise cancelling headphones because of this.

He’s always in a state of overstimulation or understimulation. No inbetween. He’s gotten so used to it that he just rolls with it. Oh yeah, and he forgets to take care of himself. He’s just like me fr fr

He has insomnia because he overthinks a lot. He used to have meds but grew tolerance to it and the other meds he tried only made him oversleep. His current medication is Lawrence. I’m not joking. His brain turns off once he cuddles with his husband at night.

His main hyperfixations are art, music, and the occult. This man can talk about his fixations unprompted and won’t shut up about them at all. He gets really embarrassed about it afterwards and apologizes

He stims a lot to stay focused or grounded. Often pacing around the room (only when he’s alone), bouncing his leg, or spinning/clicking his pens (which pisses Lawrence off to no end which makes Rei do it even more LMAO)

He can’t and never has a schedule. He has a general idea of things he wants to do on a day to day basis, but never sticks to it completely and prefers to have a flexible schedule.

And there you have it. Both my faves are neurodivergent, who would’ve guessed. I don’t talk about them being nd a lot cause it isn’t a big focus in the story but it IS integral to them since you can see their traits and how it affects them. Especially with Lawrence. That poor man can’t take a break.

[hitaka5ever]

You ever just get a sudden realization about your life that it almost gives you whiplash? Well that happened to me last night, so I wanted to share what that was (and maybe get some feedback or find people who've had the same experiences)

By the time I was in my early 20s, I realized that I wasn't afraid to die, I just feared how I'd die. For the obvious one, I wouldn't want to die by drowning or being set on fire. I think those would be the worst ways to go. So what about before age 20-22?

Well I was definitely much more fearful of getting hurt or being killed when I was much younger. But why? Most kids go through life without fear or anxiety and don't want to be around their parents much, but that's not how my life was. I only ever have certain vivid memories that have always stuck with me even after all this time (I'm 32), like not wanting to go to school at age 5-6 and one day hugging and kissing and saying good bye to my mum for nearly 10 minutes bc I didn't want to leave her side or be away from her for so long. I was a total cry baby until I was in middle school iirc, but most kids don't act like that, so why did I?

Well I have 2 theories and they both make a lot of sense. The first one was a situation that I didn't know about until 10 years ago, and the other was when I was barely 4 and I was forced to go to my ex-church's daycare/school that taught us the usual BS of being (Lutheran) Christian and yadda yadda (glad I was questioning the validity of the religion and the existence of a higher power early on)

Since this is already getting longer than I wanted it, the rest can be ready under a Read More (please continue reading if you can bc I'd like to get feedback about this stuff or find someone who has experienced this very same thing I have)

Anyway, the first situation I mentioned happened when I was barely 2 years old around early July. It's common for babies to suffer from this fever (I can't for the life of me remember what its called) but some can take a turn for the worst. I was one of those babies that had it rough

So my fever was so bad that mum had to take me to the hospital. Back then, parents didn't usually stay in the room with the doctors, so she was shocked when they told her to come into the room with me. I was freaking out so bad that the multiple nurses and doctors needed my mum to help calm me down

Bc of the way they handled babies when trying to get blood drawn from their veins, (holding your legs and upper body down so you don't move) I was so traumatized by this that I literally passed out in my mum's arms. It wasn't until my usual pediatrician came in that it was all over and I woke up. Mum said he took blood from my head rather than my arm, which no one else even thought of doing bc idiots, and I was fine and got to go home. My fever broke on the night of July 4th and mum and I got to experience the fireworks show by ourselves (the rest of the family was having dinner at my dad's family gathering)

Obviously I don't remember this event bc I wasn't even 2 yet, but after mum told me exactly what had happened, it made sense why I feared doctors and needles until high school (I had to get blood drawn to test my hormone levels bc that's when I was first diagnosed with depression, so that's the earliest I remember not being afraid of needles and doctors anymore)

Now with the 2nd revelation, I distinctly remember freaking out and bawling my eyes out when we learned at the church school that one day we would die and "go to heaven". I was screaming that I didn't want to die and it took the woman calming me down a long time to get my head on straight. I think I got to go home right after bc obviously I couldn't handle social interaction at even that young of an age

So is my life all fucked up bc of my ex-religion telling me I was going to die one day and the trauma I suffered as a baby? Most likely, but no one but my deep subconscious would know the answer to that. But it just seems to make a ton of sense why I grew up being a Mama's boy and why losing her has always been my worst fear

I don't even know what made me think of the religion thing, but since anything can influence your life, even as a little kid, I believe my life is the way it is bc of those traumatic events and why I'll be clinically depressed for the rest of my life

So the moral of the story is to NOT tell little kids that they'll die and go to heaven one day, otherwise you might fuck up their entire life. So fucking thanks for that, Christianity :)

[medical-blitz]

I wake up 25 years later. After 2009

I get life flighted, on my 55th birthday, and it's time to go.

Call 911, ICU 12 DAYS. then what ? Omg on forced oxygen,IV, immediate blood work. Answering questions while face covered with mask!

I was diagnosed with Thyroid Storm, In Atrial Fibrillation and Fast crashing heart failure , I remember being diagnosed with over active thyroid in 2009 for a job physical, I got what was necessary at that time in 2009 to get the job. Then after I got it. And stopped using meds. I really had no follow up appointment, but too the job was 28/14 meaning, your gone and home those amount of days.

I was never consistent in medicine regiments, I wouldn't even finish 7 to 10 day antibiotics, and end up returning to doctor to get a fresh prescription for antibiotics because I felt better after first couple to few days. And for whatever infection or illness would return or never really been gone, so having said that .

I was uneducated about how serious it was to continue and monitor a thyroid issue.

WELL NEVER DO THAT. The thyroid was detrimental to my future health. As it is for anyone.

As I always,remember to mention my earlier diagnosis to anytime I go ER which was rare. Well in 2014, I had an excellent job, best insurance you could imagine at no cost to me or reproccusions of future liens etc.

I was getting a complete , head to toe toe to head inside and out , physical by my own request.

I was feeling great, had a few concerns.

But asked. By any chance was my thyroid checked? I was QUOTE- UNQUOTE Told " your thyroid is fine"

But throughout years I've had small injuries and chest X+rays have been taken and had to return for retaking

They (medical team) showed concern, and then I was cleared saying looked like nodules on your lungs.

So back to 2014 I was told and after ct mri, upper GI, I Had intertial lung disease, and never were prescribed anything to treat or cure or handle emergency breathing issues.

See earlier than 2009 I was having a hard time breathing, sooo I went to doctor and complained of even climbing a set of stairs , I was only 27 at the time. I was told quit smoking. It's your lungs.

I went through life and reached June 4th 2024 almost died because I bloated so bad struggled (understatement) to breath could reach to even wipe after going bathroom, walk nothing my shoes wouldn't even go on my feet.

Away I went. With the lung disease etched in my earlier diagnosis,and scares with spots on my lungs from times before hand. And let me tell you what a scare. Because it was building up over a couple of weeks before I finally couldn't walk 5 feet and felt like passing out. Sitting or rolling over felt as if I just moved mountains. Away I went.

I however explained the 2014 diagnosed issues. And 2009 when my thyroid was mentioned, well I was living actually with Graves disease, never told.

And hyperthyroidism developed, mind you untreated. They immediately checked my TSH,T3-4 and low and behold.

All my symptoms came to the conclusion of why is was in serious medical crisis.

Do not ignore a thyroid diagnosis, I ruined my health.

I was in complete congestive heart failure,Pre-diabetes,thyroid storm. Which is rare. But fatal. And developed TED, which is hyperthyroid eye disease, I have major effects from this. My heart wasn't underlying, it was caused by my not having had stayed on thyroid treatment , and thyroid care or acknowledgment is detrimental to every organ in your body. My cholesterol levels are through the roof, and now I evolved from pre- to type 2 diabetes,Blindness could very well be in my near future or 3-10 years of life span. And now I have more than 19 symptoms from possible one medication or couple combined within last three months. I was developing them soon after my release from my initial hospital stay.

I have not quit smoking. And THAT BY EVERY MEANS NEEDS TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY, because I may very well be falling back into the danger zone and completely Not having my treatment working correctly, it is a major hold back or set back.

My will power is unbelievably weak, I cherish my life, and it's the hardest to do.

So here's my concerns being set for tomorrow,the next day I'll go the next , um finally made a follow up appointment, finally after four months got the blood work done for digoxin level monitor required action, and oh boy my numbers for more than couple tests needed, I am drowning in high to low all in negative for me.

Procrastinating is not an option, it's a constant struggle as well.

So I'll be at the doctor and find out what exactly is the next step. Besides nicotine, I am slowly but surely in the irreversible side of things if I don't go. I already canceled a week ago.

Results and Further Information will be coming soon. And add some links to further educate how serious it is for untreated Graves disease to hyperthyroidism not being treated.

[fduplegacy]

Adam drives nervously across the Stateline, Audrey fidgets with her sleeves and tries hard to not think about her hair being messy from the wind blowing it around wildly.

Adam had the AC turned off after the first 3 hours on the road, the silence in the cabin was thick as could be. The windows down were meant to be a way to fill their restless minds.

Audrey took a deep breath and closed her eyes, it was one of the few times in her life that her heart raced with too many emotions for her to handle. Adam wasn't too far from this either.

He gripped the steering wheel to control the shaking of his hands as he drove towards his mother's house. First time he'd be visiting her since he graduated college, about 5 years ago.

They'd talked on the phone, yes... but meeting in person with her was for special occasions only. Life or death situations, important diagnoses and... milestones.

And oh, what a milestone this was.

Audrey gulped as quietly as she could, there was a brewing feeling of dread in her belly as her hands fidgeted. Her fingers gently caressing the promise ring on her left hand. It was a modest band, a replica from a movie they both loved. She had been shocked the minute Adam showed up with it to her house. It had been a quiet night, and he had let her know that he'd be arriving late after a hunting trip.

To her surprise, he'd arrived clean, just as he had left. Nervous as all hell as he put away his duffel bag and rummaged the pockets on his jacket. He had avoided eyecontact with her until after he had showered and got into bed with her, when he proceeded to hold her so tight her bones creaked.

This, wasn't unusual. Audrey had gotten accustomed to his rough treatment and came to cherish it deeply. She had been, however, concerned with his silence. It had felt so different from before, she worried he might have made an unfixable mistake, as he called them.

But no, his odd demeanor was due to his nerves as he presented with a shaky hand, a small red box, containing the ring she now proudly wore on her hand. A promise for engagement in the near future. Why a promise and not a straight up engagement? Because they had to get his mother's approval.

A stern, tough, and traditional woman who lived a couple of states over. Adam had said she was a fair and kind woman, she loves him to bits and always made sure his childhood was memorable and good. Then again, she was also a strict being, holding Adam and his father up to the highest of standards, oftentimes impossible to achieve.

Audrey held back a comment on Adam's hunting tendencies being an outlet of sorts to his mother's rules. It wasn't her place to comment, so she didn't. The matron's traditional values, however... were what was making both of them jittery.

Lucille Carter was a firm believer of a pure marriage. And Adam had been conveniently forgetful of this idea since he first met Audrey. Which wouldn't be a problem, except both him and Audrey were terrible liars. And his mother was almost a guideline on how the CIA did interrogations, had they not considered her tactics cruel and inhuman.

Audrey felt more and more lightheaded the closer they got to their destination. She hadn't eaten anything since departing Illinois, too nauseous to stomach any food at all. Adam was concerned, of course, but he knew forcing her to eat wouldn't do either of them any good. And it's not like he was any better off either, he could barely drink the coffee they packed that morning. More so with how shaky his hands were, drinking it was probably a terrible idea.

"We'll be fine," he reassured her, although he may have been saying it more to himself than her.

"You don't sound convinced..." she mumbled, watching how the trees passed them by at a high speed.

"We just have to skirt around the topic if it comes to it... besides, you're a quiet girl. She'll like you." He said with a shrug.

"What a consolation. I feel like she'll get one good look at me and call me a whore without even saying hello." Her eyes went to her lap, focused on the shiny ring embracing her finger, almost feeling calmer at the sight of it.

"No, she won't call you a whore... she's more traditional, so maybe a wench for sure." He joked, glancing at his side and hoping to see her smile as well... instead he just found a grimace and a nervous inhale of breath. "Sorry... I was joking." His right hand let go of the steering wheel to hold her left. She squeezed it nervously.

"Bad timing." She said with a sigh.

"I promise it won't be terrible." He tried reassuring her again, bringing her hand to his lips to kiss her knuckles. She let it happen. Somehow managing to drop some of the tension in her shoulders. "You didn't eat any breakfast today..." he mumbled as he nuzzled her hand, hoping it helped nudge her towards the snacks in the icebox by her feet.

"My throat feels constricted with nerves. I can't get anything down." She argued "I feel the pills making a hole in my stomach, but I just can't bring myself to eat," she scooted closer to him, leaning her head in his shoulder as he drove.

"At least try to drink something. You'll be close to, if not passed out by the time we get there if you don't eat." He grimaced, concerned for his soon-to-be fianceè.

"Let's stop by a rest and get something. I can't look at those Danish pastries anymore or I'll puke air." She whined. Which was concerning to Adam since she loved those pastries. Never before had he seen her turn down a chance to eat something sweet. Her nerves were very real, then.

"If we stop now, we won't arrive until tomorrow." He said, amusement in his tone.

"How is that a problem?" He could feel her smile more than see it.

"Putting it off is only going to make it worse..." he squeezed her hand briefly.

"Just... just today. I'll be brave tomorrow. I promise." She urged. He could feel her hand shaking in his. He didn't blame her.

"You're always brave. Come on, do this for me?"

"I've done worse for you, let me have this one." She pleaded.

"Cherry..." there was something slightly playful in his stern tone.

"Adam... please."

"Eat something and I'll consider it."

"But I can't!"

"Then no,"

"I'm begging you. When have I ever done that?"

"That's why I'm enjoying it." He smirked, kissing her knuckles again, never taking his eyes off the road.

"We can stop once we reach Detroit,"

"But that's where we're headed..."

"Exactly, mom is already waiting for us, and I'm sure dinner will be ready by the time we arrive."

"You're horrible."

"Mhm, yet you choose to be with me."

"Who else would tolerate me?"

"Anyone with taste and common sense"

"Now you're just sweet talking me."

"Me? Never..."

"Why are you in such a hurry for me to meet your mother?"

"I can't make you my wife until she knows you, now can I?"

"Yes you can,"

"But where would the drama be if I did that? I need to know how you act under real pressure to be sure you're the one."

"Right. Because being on trial for a murder you commited is not real pressure..."

"There's nothing scarier than inlaws, anyone will confirm that to you."

"Lucky you, you don't get inlaws."

"Come on now, I've met your father's ashes. They seemed to like me."

"Har-har, you had it easy. You wouldn't have lasted 3 seconds had you met him while he lived."

"I promise you, with my entire heart... she's not as bad as it seems."

"No, but she will be once she finds out all you've done to me."

"Audrey..."

"One question from her and everything we've done on the porch chairs, on the kitchen counter, the top of the washing machine, in the attic, on the hammock in the shed, over my mother's grave, inside the truck..."

"Princess of mine... stop."

"Why? Afraid you'll be thinking of it when she asks and spill the beans?"

"That, and the memories are starting to stir me. So please, refrain." He said as he shuffled in his seat.

"Fine... but I can't guarantee I won't go nonverbal if she asks."

"I honestly prefer that to either of us blurting out everything." He said with a sigh.

"Me too. I can only hope." She took a deep breath before hugging his arm close to her chest.

[allegra-j-joann]

Writing Scrap #13

Like so many children, as soon as he displayed any level of intelligence and comprehension of the world around him, his parents started saying he was gifted and special, and like so many children, Elliot had too narrow a worldview to know how truly special he was, or wasn’t, when his parents called him clever and his teachers praised his work he thought that was all there was to it, it seemed like such an ordinary thing for people to be able to do that he never gave it much thought, and there were kids in his class who still scored better on tests, so surely they were like him, just better at using their gift. It simply became a matter of keeping up and making sure he did well enough to not make himself stand out to anyone, right? Life is pretty straightforward when you’re clever enough. 

In fifth grade, his mother took him to a psychologist because he had stopped talking to the other kids and just kept to himself all the time, he was diagnosed with high-functioning anxiety disorder, which seemed odd to him since he didn’t often feel very nervous about any particular situation, more often than not he felt nothing at all, taking his time to make any decision that could have been important, after all, the world became so much simpler and less stressful when you could stop and step back to look at all your options. Only a few weeks later it suddenly started making sense to him, his class did an assignment in English class on what they thought it would be like to have superpowers, and he took a few extra days to make sure he’d thought it all out carefully when it came time to share their pieces, many of his classmates had written about wishing to stop time so they could get their work done and have more time to play. That made it click for Elliot, he could do that, and apparently, the other kids couldn't “Oh,” he whispered to himself “Well I suppose that makes some sense” but then he got to thinking. If he was the only one who had the ability to stop and take all that extra time to think, to do his homework, even to take tests, and the other kids scored better in tests, then he supposed that made them exceptionally smart. The longer he thought about it the more he wondered how he would do if he suddenly only had the time allocated to everyone else, they all seemed to handle it just fine, but he wasn’t sure he could.

It didn’t get much better in high school either, he had to take longer and longer pauses to get through all the work the teachers set in front of him and even then he sometimes just grew tired and turned in the unfinished work, shouldering the teacher’s disappointed looks and comments of “I thought you were smarter than this” as something that just came normally with life. Before long he found himself looking around his classroom and once again noting the discovery he’d made in primary school, none of the other students, the children who grew up without extra time, seemed to be having nearly as much trouble as him, they turned in their work and got good marks on their tests, they made and kept friends and most of them even had jobs, and He didn’t even know their names. That was why his mother had taken him to see the Psychologist all those years ago, he’d stopped talking to the people because he hardly remembered who they were, beyond the uncomfortably still figures that occupied his still little world in what he had come to approximate to be hours in moments, they were so distant to him, just faces on bodies that only moved sometimes, and they were all functioning better than he was.

It was quickly becoming apparent that the way he was using his gift wasn’t working right, and he’d read storybooks about stopping time to keep playing, it seemed like it would get horribly dull very quickly, which was why most of the characters in the stories let time move again after a while, It seemed he was going to have to do some research on the matter if he was going to fix the rut he now landed himself in. Unlike most of the work sitting unfinished on his desk, researching this was remarkably easy, though a little nerve-wracking “If you could stop time, what would you do?” was a simple enough question, he thought it rather straightforward and didn’t see why it would be difficult to answer, but most people looked at him as though he’d grown an extra head, he only managed to get a few answers before deciding he was done with interacting with these beings again “the power to stop time, huh?” the girl with the very fake ringlets in her hair had said “I suppose I would use it to finish all my work, imagine what the teachers would think of that! I could get ahead on my subjects too, like, years ahead, then I’d never have to study again and I could use my time for better things without worrying about wasting it” It was a surprisingly clever idea, he supposed, he neededn’t worry about keeping up with the work if he already knew the answers, how long would he have to take to learn that much though? He had never stood still for very long at a time before, who knew what would happen?

The morning after Elliot made that decision, he woke up in that hazy not-quite-morning-enough-to-be-a-morning time, where it was still misty outside his window, the garbage trucks were probably doing their rounds, but no one else was up yet, he always found this was the best time for pausing, especially in summer, because it was just cool enough to be comfortable in a light jacket and it was rarely raining, it wasn’t too bright, but not dim enough to need his desk lamp, and the sky was usually a very pleasant silver or peach orange, today for example, especially on the east half, it looked almost gold, a perfect sign to him, he took a deep breath and the air became thick and still. He poured a coffee from the pot by the stove that, now that he had finished boiling it, would never cool until he emptied it, and sat down with the first of his textbooks to set his plan in motion.

By the time he had memorized the first seven and a half chapters his fingers were starting to get a little stiff and pale, as sometimes happened in the cool air, he put on his gloves and kept reading. Three chapters on he could no longer feel his toes and turning the pages was unusually difficult, his elbows now we're starting to feel stiff, he supposed the equivalent of a day or two had passed, though he wouldn’t feel it in this state, he’d never felt so stiff before and ruled that he just needed to get up and move a bit, he wanted more coffee anyway. Moving was difficult and didn’t loosen him up at all, which was worrying, he thought about it as he wandered around, trying to flex his hands, and he seemed to grow stiffer still, bending his wrists and elbows was difficult, and a little painful, so he sat down curling up instead, the cool air was gradually getting less pleasant, but his body warmth should have been enough. It didn’t help.

After another stretch of nothingness, he was starting to feel cold and achy again, using his teeth he peeled off his glove to investigate and found his hand transparent, if a little cloudy, and bitterly cold when it brushed by his face “Ice, how inconvenient” he sighed, this had never happened before, he supposed it was a side effect of freezing time the way he did, still, if he unfroze time now, the morning would warm up and his hands might just melt clear off, besides, he had only studied his Geography book so far, there was a lot left to do, suddenly he wondered if he would even be able to do it at all, what a dreadful thought that was.

He continued this way with himself, back and forward deciding what he ought to do in this situation, it was the longest he’d ever taken to make a decision, so long in fact that by the time he had decided, understanding that logically, if freezing time was turning him to ice then unfreezing it should turn him back, he was no longer able to, his chest and lungs were frozen so stiff that he couldn’t release the long breath he was holding. “Well that’s that, I suppose” he huffed indignantly, he couldn’t very well change the situation now, could he?

[thicctator]

A post about how life changes and how I’m actually feeling worthy of being alive even if I still feel adrift in a world I don’t quite fit in. I needed to get this out of me and into the digital ocean to give me back some brain space and maybe spread a little love.

Tw: this post will talk about suicidal ideation and mental health - not explicitly detailed - if you’d like to skip those bits please skip past the bits between the (xx) marks.

That being said, I want this to be a post about optimism and a general feeling I have about my place in the world. It’ll be a long one, I’m not even sure if it’s worth reading.

I really hope it is, also that it’s worth sharing.

I’ll give a TL;DR: I finally feel *alive*, I still don’t know what I’m doing with myself or how I got here but I did and I want people to know, strangers and loved ones alike, I care about you. I hope 2024 is better for you than 2023, well done for making it this far.

It’s the very early hours of the last day of 2023, I can’t sleep, but that’s fine. One of my cats is asleep on my ankles, he’s snoring, it’s soothing. Sometimes I like to lay in bed anyways with my eyes closed - if I can’t sleep, I can at least close my eyes and try.

I turn 30 next year.

I get married.

I finally have things I *like* about myself, about my interests, my appearance, my place in the world.

A world that has always felt alien to me. Not just because of my neurodiversity but because I didn’t intend to be here this long.

(xx)

I wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD until I was 28. I have a ream of other physical and mental health issues that whilst chronic, are manageable now.

I didn’t live in a good position before I moved out with my partner. I hated everything about myself.

Every attempt to get a better job so I could leave that went wrong made me sicker. Every fight with a family member. Every cancelled plan to fit to another person’s schedule. Every horrible comment, snide look. Every time I’d hear other people’s criticisms of me built up.

I had a plan. I guess I still do, it’s still perfectly actionable.

Now that plan is less of a focus. It’s still there, a little pop up thought, but now I have ways to remind myself it’s just a thought. I have support and a better understanding of what the beginning of my decline looks like.

(xx)

Life’s weird when you didn’t plan to make it this far.

It’s weird to work out career progression, housing, long term plans and such when you didn’t consider them in your 20s like most people because you were too ill and wanted to not be here.

I like to drift along in the wind on some stuff even now. My brain can only handle so many things at once and the damage caused by my health means I know to play within my limits. But alas.

I happened across my career I do (product analyst - sounds kinda dull, huh?) after going “oh that sounds kinda cool” and applying having only met half their criteria. The manager took a chance on me, the company I work for turned out to be exceptionally kind and generous and understands I need support.

I got rejected, made redundant and worked soul crushing jobs far more times than I can count before this, so I count the good fortunes here every day.

Each time I have a bad work day, I remind myself it’s just a bad day, not a bad reflection of me.

My partner is the sweetest soul, kind, gentle, full of warmth. Patient and nurturing. He’s handled a lot from me, helped me through a lot too. He was the first person I tried to explain my thoughts on my gender/sexuality and how I view myself and my health to, who’s seen me grow and change over the last decade.

This wonderful soul wants to marry me. He wants to be my husband. He fills me with warmth each time he laughs at something silly, or politely sits with me in a quiet space and let me just *exist* with him.

The life I’ve built isn’t extravagant. It’s not anything you’d see on a heavily curated social media page.

It’s comfortable. It’s colourful now. It’s full of little acts of kindness and care I didn’t get to experience when I was younger, of silly little trinkets I always wanted. It’s the love I feel when I wake up to my cat snuggled up in the blanket with me, to the quiet time to do a hobby. To the giving a compliment to a stranger or smiling at my own reflection for the first time ever.

It’s sending photos to my friends of my silly little creations, of sharing interests. It’s the friend who thanks me for thinking of them or to the understanding of my partner when I say “I don’t feel well” or “I don’t want to do that, why not go alone and enjoy yourself?”

It’s to being optimistic about my space in the world. To deciding it’s fine that I don’t know what I’m doing yet, I’m still here.

It’s to my cats. Particularly my black cat, who, when I seriously hit my lowest looked at me with his tongue sticking out and I laughed. I paused and I just…wanted to make him proud of me.

Archie, I love you. I’m proud of you. I’m proud of me too now.

—

I’m not inspirational, I’m just a chubby lil queer who’s “so indecisive I can’t decide on a gender” (an affectionate quote from a good friend). But I want to give a bit of advice and love from someone who’s been in the depths of mental health’s abyss and who knows I could very easily go back.

It’s okay, to not know what to do in a situation. To not know how to fix your life. To be overwhelmed. To not have the picture perfect life. It’s okay to aim just for existence. To just “be” in the world.

Find joy in small things. Things that make *you* as a person happy. Don’t conform to others and what they want of you.

Sometimes you just need to find a way to make a thing work for you - I had my entire chest tattooed just to ease dysphoria and make ease with myself and now I have cool art on my skin and I get to go “wow that’s a colourful thing. I am art. I am a beautiful expression of art.”

Oh and my best advice: half doing something is better than not doing it at all. Can’t face washing the pile of pots, just clean off that plate you need or graze out the fridge for some food. Can’t shower today? Try just to wash your face or change your clothes. Be proud of everything small you achieve.

I lost a tooth from not brushing my teeth during my worst times, ya know. Even now I tell myself “it’s better to brush for 30 seconds than not at all” and yeah, I’m proud and smiling like a goofball at myself when I muster the energy and brain bees to remind me to brush my teeth at lunchtime on the low energy days.

—————

The horrors persist but so did I. Fuck the world that told me no or that I wasn’t enough.

I’m cosy now.

It’s all I wanted. It’s worth it. I’m worth it.

Even if we’ve never met before, person who may or may not read this, I want you to know I care. I care because I hope 2024 is better for you. I’m proud of you for getting this far.

Anyways, I’m done reflecting and taking up your time. I’m going back to closing my eyes and hoping for rest.

Here’s a picture of Archie as thank you for your time:

[beatrice028]

Is Nursing the Way Forward?

Are nurses more important than doctors? To answer this question, we have dived deep and reached a place where it is evident that nurses have a greater impact on patients than doctors cause doctors to spend only a few minutes per day with each patient and play a vital role in diagnosing illness and prescribing treatment. Whereas nurses spend much of their shift with patients ensuring their overall health during their time at the hospital. Nurses specialize in overall health care, so they are ready to assist in any given situation. Doctors often only diagnose and prescribe treatment according to their area of expertise. Not that doctors are any less than nurses, nurses learn a lot from them but when it comes to taking complete care of a patient, a nurse plays a vital role!

Who is the most important in a hospital?

Nurses. Nurses manage most of your ongoing care and treatment in the hospital. They assess, plan, and administer your daily treatment and manage your general health. It is clear how trusted nurses are in the medical field and how doctors themselves trust nurses in almost everything.

How does it feel to be a nurse?

Top replies from nurses,

• Making a Difference in People's Lives

• As a Nurse, I love being part of a team.

• As a Nurse, I can empower others

• As a Nurse, there is never a boring day at work

• As a Nurse, every day challenges my critical thinking skills

• As a Nurse, I know I’m making a difference

One of the most gratifying aspects of being a nurse is the opportunity to positively impact patients' lives. As a nurse, you will provide care, support, and education to patients and their families, helping them navigate their health challenges.

These are the most common answers we got when we interviewed nurses from multiple hospitals. So being a nurse is a thrilling journey for sure!

Benefits of being a Nurse!

1. Competitive wages to doctors.

2. More Control over their time and shifts.

3. Exceptional at time management.

4. Making a difference in people’s lives

5. Patience

6. Empathy

7. Control over multiple emotional

And many more, I guess all the nurses are superheroes with all these skills mastered!

Is nursing a good career for the future?

Let’s get down to the real question, is it worth going through all these challenges? Hands down, YES! Nursing is an exciting profession with tremendous growth, advancement, and always being in demand. Being a nurse, you can earn an advanced degree and slip into another role in the world of nursing. There are multiple colleges and universities out there providing fine nursing courses and among them, the finest as per my research is Karnataka College in Bangalore. This college provides exceptional courses and placements for the students to achieve their dreams and is down to help them in every way possible. Do check out the link for further information, BSc Nursing Colleges in Bangalore | BSc Nursing Admissions Open 23-24.

Conclusion:

A nurse is considered to be a part of an important process of anything in a medical field, it can be of any variation from a hospital to a clinic. They help doctors in scheduling and supporting them in any critical procedure and support patients throughout their time in the hospital, taking it to them and understanding how they feel, which is so emotionally important to a patient.

So, a nurse not only supports physically but also emotionally in many forms.

Does it take a toll on them? This a well-asked question to be taken into consideration.

And yes, it takes a toll on them as the years pass on. But they are trained well to handle all that before entering the field.

The conclusion will be that a nurse is as vital as a doctor in the medical field. So without any doubt, students can take up a nursing course as it is bright the future is like the sun!

This article is purely based on research and feel free to comment with your thoughts and perspective.