#'yeah‚ for a while i thought about creative writing and other more or less artsy ones‚

[syrenki]

absolutely obsessed with the way this woman decides on her education

[mostlymovieswithmax]

Movies I watched in June

Now I think I’m comfortably in a rhythm to get these posts out. For one, I’m writing up short reviews either straight after watching a movie or sometimes it might take a few days. But June was a fairly good month in terms of the amount of films I watched. I got to go to the cinema quite a bit which is always fun. Anyway, let’s get on with it! If you’re looking for something good to watch (or maybe even something bad), I hope this list can help in some way to introduce you to new and different movies that maybe you’ve never heard of, or were thinking of checking out. Here is every film I watched from the 1st to the 30th of June 2021.

Bo Burnham: Inside (2021) - 10/10 Everyone was going off about how great this film is. An hour and a half of Bo Burnham in lockdown, singing songs and being upset is definitely a powerful hook and I have to agree with the general consensus because Inside blew me away. More thoughts on this in my podcast: The Sunday Movie Marathon episode 34.

Bo Burnham: Make Happy (2016) - 7/10 After watching Inside, I figured I’d rewatch some of Burnham’s older stand-up shows on Netflix. Make Happy is a lot of fun, injected with a lot of introspection from Burnham that really makes the special stand out, despite a lot of gags that just didn’t land for me.

Bo Burnham: What. (2013) - 6/10 It’s plain to see just how much Bo Burnham has grown over the years and how he has honed his comedy and music. ‘What.’ is a good stepping stone in the comedian’s career, showcasing loads of promise in him from a young age. There are some jokes that haven’t aged as well and some that straight up dragged, but overall the show is still enjoyable.

The Conjuring: The Devil Made Me Do It (2021) - 3/10 Packed theatre for this one, obviously. People love a Conjuring movie, and I’d also say people love a good scare… but this movie isn’t scary, or good for that matter. More thoughts on episode 35 of the podcast.

The Conjuring (2013) - 6/10 After the horrendously disappointing debacle that was the third Conjuring movie, I decided to watch James Wan’s original movie and man, if this wasn’t better in literally every way. I don’t tend to love James Wan movies but I can’t deny he’s got so much talent in how he makes movies and it makes The Conjuring a lot more fun to see competent filmmaking in the horror genre in a way that actually creates an eerie atmosphere with creative uses of camera-work and editing.

A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) - 8/10 Normally I’m not big into the old slasher movies. I appreciate that for the time, perhaps they hit differently, but now I just don’t tend to connect with them. Wes Craven’s ‘A Nightmare on Elm Street’ is a bit of an exception. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not particularly scary, though it does employ a lot of interesting techniques and designs. Undeniably, the design for Fred Krueger is a staple in cinema, with the striped jumper, hat, scarred face and knives for fingers not leaving the mind of the general public any time soon. Elm Street doesn’t have too many kills but when it does, it is so effective and fun to watch. Craven was one of the greats, truly.

One Cut of the Dead (2017) - 8/10 This has to be one of the most engaging zombie movies I’ve seen in a long time. There’s a lot to spoil with One Cut of The Dead but I won’t go into that here. It is clever and funny, subverting expectations in ways I really didn’t expect. I really cannot recommend it enough.

Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones (2019) - 8/10 Since we’re watching Chappelle's Show for episode 45 of the podcast, I wanted to get an idea for what I was in for, so I watched Dave Chappelle’s stand-up show from a couple of years ago. Yeah, really funny, which I suppose is what you want from a stand-up special, but what makes it better is Chappelle’s commentary on the world at large and how he’s able to combine humour with intelligent criticism.

Fear(s) of the Dark (2008) - 4/10 A few years ago I think I watched this animated black and white anthology film on a New Year's Day when I had foolishly decided to pull an all-nighter and then go out with mates for ice cream. Never again. But I’d forgotten what I thought of this movie and decided to get the DVD for cheap on eBay. Perhaps I am doomed to watch Fear(s) of the Dark only when I am tired because I popped this on when it was nearing midnight. I was lucid enough to understand what I was watching though… and it was quite boring. These short films emulate the filmmakers’ nightmares - an interesting premise in theory, but pretty weak on execution.

The Bourne Identity (2002) - 3/10 We marathoned the first three Bourne movies for The Sunday Movie Marathon podcast, episode 36 so check that out for my expanded thoughts on this, the best Bourne of the three.

The Bourne Supremacy (2004) - 2/10 Immediately after, we did the deep dive into Supremacy, the second Bourne and the worst of the three (albeit by a very slim margin). Check out episode 36 for more.

The Bourne Ultimatum (2007) - 2/10 I really couldn’t care less about these terrible movies. It was a horrible chore to sit through them. Ultimatum was also rubbish. More gripes and discussion in episode 36 of the podcast.

The Father (2021) - 10/10 Another trip to the cinema for this masterpiece. I tried very hard not to sob loudly in the theatre where aside from myself, the audience totalled three people. More discussion of The Father in episode 36 the podcast.

Drag Me To Hell (2009) - 2/10 I’m pretty shocked that Sam Raimi directed this. Usually when I watch one of his films, I can see his staple of fun gore, practical effects, crazy camera movements… but there was none of that here. It just felt like a really bad horror, indistinguishable from the regular affair, with no personality or passion. Drag Me To Hell might even have been one of those movies I’d avoided in the past when I was younger because it seemed too scary but no, it was just boring and bad and I feel like there’s something I’m not getting out of this that other people seem to be.

Moonrise Kingdom (2012) - 8/10 At this point, I feel I have to admit Wes Anderson as perhaps my second favourite director. His movies are just so nice and beautiful to watch. Moonrise Kingdom is a quirky love story between two kids and honestly, with any other director, could have been handled poorly because the story is quite simple. But Anderson injects so much of his signature style and personality into the film. A powerhouse of actors with the likes of Frances McDormand, Bill Murray, Bruce Willis and Tilda Swinton, among a few of Anderson’s regulars, make Moonrise Kingdom a breeze. Good for a dark day to lift the spirits.

Nobody (2021) - 8/10 I needed something to fill an otherwise uneventful day, so I hopped on a bus and booked a ticket for Ilya Naishuller’s new action movie, Nobody. The film started and to my annoyance, the lights in the theatre were still on. When I go to the cinema I don’t really want to see the other people sitting around me, so I got up from my seat, abandoning the first two minutes of the film to find a member of staff to turn the lights off. After showing them that the lights were in fact still on, I took to my seat and watched the movie for what felt like a little while before the lights went off. Nobody is a really fun action movie. Perhaps similar in a lot of ways to John Wick, but with more personality to the main character. More thoughts on episode 37 of The Sunday Movie Marathon podcast.

The Darjeeling Limited (2007) - 8/10 After procuring the Criterion blu-ray from my local hmv, I delved into all the supplements it had to offer, including a making-of documentary, chats with the director, and a gallery of polaroid pictures from when they were shooting the film in India. The Darjeeling Limited is perhaps not peak Wes Anderson, but I do kind of love it. It makes me want to go on a journey to another country with my brother and sister, perhaps in ten to fifteen years. Here, the main characters are three brothers who travel to India seeking some kind of spiritual experience. Things don’t seem to work out that way, however, because I’m not sure how spiritual an experience you can have when you plan out an itinerary to schedule it. Fantastic performances all round and of course, beautiful direction and cinematography.

Face/Off (1997) - 3/10 Was I supposed to laugh? Maybe I was just too tired but I really couldn’t stand Face/Off. It didn’t feel particularly special and despite a couple of fun ideas, it was mostly quite boring.

Luca (2021) - 5/10 The new Pixar movie leaves a lot to be desired. The animation is really second to none and I can’t fault how beautiful the movie looks, more so when it’s set in this little Italian town than under the sea. The story is so uninspired though, with the basic premise being that the protagonists want a Vespa so they enter a competition to win the money to buy one. Also they’re fish that turn into people on dry land. Maybe that’s enough for some people, but I couldn’t shake the familiarity of Luca. It never went in any interesting directions and basically did exactly what I figured it would do. I don’t believe it’s out here to subvert expectations but I would like some creativity when it comes to the writing. Perhaps if I watched it again, I might like it less. It was pretty dull.

Punch-Drunk Love (2002) - 10/10 I’m a little disappointed with the Criterion blu-ray for Punch-Drunk love. It’s supplements host a couple of low-quality deleted scenes that were clearly deleted for a reason, and some weird artsy music videos that incorporated footage from the movie. I was quite shocked at how low-effort it all seemed. The movie itself is fantastic though and I do believe it to be Adam Sandler’s best performance (and I really liked Uncut Gems). He portrays a man who is constantly put down by his family, clearly has some kind of social disability, and on top of it all he’s getting scammed by a sex line. Amongst all this, he’s trying to navigate a new relationship and it’s so sweet to watch all the interactions between Sandler and Emily Watson. It’s a perfect melding of romance, comedy and anxiety, beautifully directed by Paul Thomas Anderson.

Fargo (1996) - 9/10 Another movie you wouldn’t expect to be so funny, especially since it’s based on this horrific true story about murder, deceit and money. But the Coen brothers know how to handle it. Excellent performances, beautiful colour palette, and a story that just gets more and more insane as it goes.

House (1977) - 7/10 House (or, Hausu) was a recommendation for episode 37 of The Sunday Movie Marathon podcast so check that out for more discussion. Generally speaking, this Japanese horror/comedy was bonkers. Insanely creative and abstract (which at points can detriment the film) with an almost Balamory-esque presentation. I was happy to find that the comedy was not lost on me at all; this is a hilarious film, albeit maybe not all the time.

The Princess Bride (1987) - 10/10 I reviewed this in my May wrap-up but this time around, I had recommended The Princess Bride for the podcast, the discussion for which you can listen to in episode 37. It all clicked this time around. It is such a fun, warm movie with a lot of laughs and superb production.

This Is Spinal Tap (1984) - 8/10 Another Rob Reiner joint, a few years before The Princess Bride. This Is Spinal Tap is lauded as a masterpiece in comedic cinema and I might agree; this movie is hilarious. Shot in mockumentary fashion, it follows a band playing shows and trying to get gigs, coupled with the inevitable screw-ups of live performance and creative disagreements. It lost me every now and again but it’s still a must-watch.

The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1996) - 6/10 A decent Disney flick but certainly not their best. One highlight includes the villain singing a lament about wanting to have sex with Esmerelda and calling her a witch for giving him a boner.

Ponyo (2008) - 4/10 Not sure if I’ve ever disliked a Miyazaki movie before but I did not vibe with Ponyo. It came across as very baby and as such, there really wasn’t much to read into. The animation is fantastic as always but so much of it felt specifically tailored to a younger crowd.

Roman Holiday (1953) - 9/10 Classic romance at its best. I had heard on a podcast that this was the sexiest movie the guest had ever seen and while maybe not in the traditional sense of the word, I do get where they’re coming from. I was tearing up with just how lovely it all was, following a princess who runs away and spends the day with a man she meets in Rome (where it was shot on location), doing all the things she’s wanted to do but never could because of royal responsibilities. Fantastic performances from Audrey Hepburn and Gregory Peck who sell the chemistry of the characters so well.

F9 (2021) - 2/10 I’ve never seen any of the Fast & Furious movies and after watching the ninth in the series, I don’t want to. This is basically the Vin Diesel show; we watch him drive cars fast and punch people a lot. Wow! I don’t really understand what it (and forgive the pun) driving people to see these movies if they’re all in this same vein. As far as I can tell, F9 is the goofiest of the series so far and I’ll admit I had a chuckle or two at some of the truly implausible moments, such as a part where one of the team gets shot by about ten men with machine guns, yet manages to kill them all without being affected by the bullets… but overall, in this two-and-a-half-hour experience, I was largely bored.

Shaolin Soccer (2001) - 7/10 I love this movie! Shaolin Soccer is so much fun; it is goofy and out there and completely crazy, all by design. Steven Chow knew what he was making when he set out to craft this insane story of a group of guys using Kung-Fu to play football. The basic story itself is nothing new but it’s elevated by the infectious comedy and implausibility of what’s happening. Balls are kicked into space and across fields so fast the very ground is torn asunder. A man eats an egg off a dirty shoe. This is cinema.

Casino Royale (2006) - 7/10 I had seen a trailer at the cinema for the new Bond movie and I have to say, I’ve never really given 007 the time of day, aside from a few of the very first movies I’d tried watching a while ago. But the new trailer kind of got me hyped, so I wanted to watch all of the Craig era Bond movies, starting with Casino Royale. I had a great time! Even though there’s not loads of fighting or weapons or fast cars, the meat of the movie actually comes from this poker game Bond is playing against the villain, played brilliantly by Mads Mikkelsen. I was surprised to witness a bit of cock-and-ball torture in this 12-rated movie but I would be lying if I said it didn’t stick with me.

Quantum of Solace (2008) - 5/10 Immediately after Casino Royale, I jumped into the second of Daniel Craig’s Bond movies, Quantum of Solace. Sadly it’s quite weak, with not much going on aside from the general Bond fare. Mathieu Amalric’s villain lacked a lot of menace or motivation and generally, I’m not super worried about a brilliant story in a Bond movie, but even the action felt weak in this. Quantum of Solace didn’t exactly upset me but it failed to wow me in any way either. The saving grace of the movie is certainly Daniel Craig as the hero, capturing Bond and what he’s supposed to be.

Skyfall (2012) - 6/10 A marked improvement from its predecessor, Sam Mendes helms Skyfall, Craig’s third outing as Bond. Skyfall delves into Bond’s past as he seems to be slipping a bit, not as much the expert operative he once was. It would have been nice to see more of his fall from grace, as they don’t really show us how he’s become less efficient as much as they give other characters expository dialogue telling us how he drinks and does drugs and is haunted by childhood trauma. For me, that’s where the meat of the story lies and I would have preferred more of a character piece if indeed they were delving into that side of the character anyway. That being said, the fights are still better choreographed than the last instalment and the colour grading and scenery is often very visually interesting. Everything in Skyfall is better than its predecessor and it’s surely thanks to Sam Mendes who does a great job at directing.

Howl's Moving Castle (2004) - 8/10 Another go round for Howl's Moving Castle, as this was a recommendation for my podcast, The Sunday Movie Marathon. My opinion, I feel, is unchanged. It's a fantastic film, and you can listen to more of what I have to say in episode 37. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2 - 3/10 A pretty poor end to a poor series of movies. I'm surprised I've watched the Twilight movies as many times as I have but I also know I'll watch them again. Part 2 I watched with the YMS commentary track on YouTube which, again made the experience a lot better. But otherwise the series seemed to get better as it went along… until the last movie. Ultimately my biggest problem with it is that nothing actually happens and the plot feels like a late addition rather than a natural progression of the story. It’s basically a whole movie of set-up to a payoff that doesn’t even canonically happen. A big thing with YA adaptations in this era was making a final book into two movies, regardless as to whether it needed that much time or not. Breaking Dawn does not need to be two movies at two hours each. About ten new characters are introduced here and the film is afraid of killing even one of them off. It's the last movie! We're not going to see these characters again! Kill some of them! There's just no emotional weight to any of it and I hate to say I was disappointed with the ending because I have such low expectations for these films but man, this was so unsatisfying.

Frances Ha (2012) - 8/10 Life is hard. And I hate this movie because it shows me so much of what terrifies me about being alive. And I love this movie because it shows me so much of what I’m alive for. Noah Baumbach’s brutally honest depiction of growing up and fending for yourself struck me in a way I wasn’t expecting and I think it’s because I’m at a point in my life where I’m worrying a lot about how it’s all going to turn out. The titular character is burdened with the stress of working low-paid jobs and paying rent while juggling school and making time for her passion of dancing as she tries to connect with people she’s lost, as temporary friends and housemates come and go. She feels like a lonely character despite often being around a lot of people. Frances Ha is fantastic and heartbreaking and uplifting… but it made me feel bad so I hate it.

[sasoriapologist]

I'll bite. Tell me about your s/i!

OKAY SO THIS TOOK ME A FEW DAYS TO ANSWER SORRY FJGKGMF it’s bc i started writing a full entire story right here but it was just too much to unpack all at once so the general tldr rundown is her name is Mae and she was from a little craftsman/merchant village outside of Sunagakure and her family moved there when she was somewhere between 6-8 (havent decided for sure yet) bc they were never shinobi but wanted her to have the opportunity to be one if she wanted.

She’s always been an art kid with an artsy family but her interests in it are so varied and her home life was kinda chaotic that it was hard for her to sit down and just master one thing. She didn’t function very well in a school environment and i’m on the fence about whether or not I want her to not actually be a registered ninja but sent on missions anyways bc they need as many young vital bodies who have useful skills as possible or having passed but barely and at a very average age. I’m also not positive about her jutsu? I fucking suck at coming up with jutsu. I’m thinking a ninjutsu and having something to do either with some sort of cat familiar thing (kinda like w Kiba and Akamaru, I want her to have a little pet cat bc i have a little kitty who i love so dearly) or something kinda tarot card themed. I’ve also been stuck on the idea of a seamstress theme and she adds to some sort of something w that by learning some chakra thread technique from Sasori.

Speaking of him! Since I don’t think she’s graduating the academy at 8 or something like him, they meet through something regarding their families being into Art Stuff. Mae’s mom is very social and I can picture her striking up a conversation with Chiyo and offering to maybe have her and Mae make garments for their puppets if needed. And Chiyo being like “sure” and seeing that Mae is abt the same age as Sasori and being like “thank god finally i can get my grandson socialized”- Mae even as a child has always been pretty mellow and quiet and kind, if not a little bit sensitive sometimes and also not very good at socializing w other kids AT ALL kinda like he is. I could see them probably sitting in silence together a lot as kids while her mom and Chiyo talk and like, drawing or something and eventually getting comfortable enough to talk about common ground without being too intimidated by the other. As they get older they still hang out a lot when they can because it’s comfortable and they’re coming more into their own and it’s just nice. their relationship builds very slowly over time but it’s stronger than uhh. guys give me something strong to compare it to i’m brain dead rn. anyways

She’s got some traumas and issues and an ongoing struggling relationship with her mother specifically (her dad is actually really nice just emotionally unavailable, they have a much better and less turbulent relationship than Mae and her mother). She also has a little sister and a lot of extended family! I’m also again, still on the fence about her exact role in the village. I’ve also HEAVILY considered her being more someone who handles a lot of work behind the scenes and sometimes going on missions when absolutely needed. Her family struggles financially so she does what she can prolly? And I’m probably not going to make this her actual story but the idea of her, Sasori and Komushi being on a team together is very cute to me and is in my AU box for her. idk there’s a lot fjgjfkf that’s long and it’s not even getting into her struggle to find her art and why her relationship w her mom is Bad and her personality and inner conflicts and MAN I AM . JUST PIECING IT ALL TOGETHER HERE. personality tldr is mellow but passionate, kind, patient, creative, thoughtful, quiet but Knows Things, intuitive, kinda sensitive and sometimes moody and over time builds an ongoing rage bc of village corruption and how ppl treat her and the roles she’s been forced to be in and 😺 yeah. she headbutts her kitty ears on sasori sometimes :)

[macbookpro-hard-drive]

HI HOW DO YOU WRITE CHARACTERS

hewwo! i can answer this! im literally gonna do a quick list of both deh and bmc characters for u under this readmore! :D

im gonna start with deh because smaller cast!

evan: 

isn’t so much stuttery as he tends to repeat things and uh stammer a bit here and there. stutters over his words sometimes but it’s more l-like this and uh, like… like this

evan hansen has anxiety. he is not anxiety. evan hansen fucks up and makes mistakes and probably internalizes a lot of things. very polite when in public but he can be a bit snappy (as seen w evans comment abt how zoe’s parents have never been poor i believe? it was something he said to zoe)

soft spoken, most of the time. probably not the kind of guy to vocally ask for things until he’s at a comfortable enough point that he feels like he’s not bothering you (same buddy)

i see evan as someone who gets frustrated with himself easily. not as a sense of “god i wish i were normal” but more of a “i should be able to do this, why cant i do this, i want to do this but i cant” because sometimes it’s just a matter of i literally cant do this and i dont know why? and god its so frustrating sometimes

jared:

jared kleinman is a fucking asshole and he knows it. very sarcastic and uses it to cover up his own insecurities, probably the kind of dude who laughs in your face when you tell him off when internally he’s just OH FUCK OH SHIT FUCK FUCK FUCK

a lot of ppl write jared as being insecure abt his weight and tbh i don’t see that being a problem for him? i see jared as being insecure abt the fact he comes off very snarky and assholeish but he turns it around and tries to own it even though… that’s not something you want to be proud of? and he knows that

not the kind of dude who stops to assess his feelings. he powers through shit and insists he’s okay until he’s out of steam. i think it was psy who said he’s a “needs therapy boi” and tbh she’s right? 

can be very passive aggressive imo it’s something he really needs to work on.

arrogant, sarcastic, and just a big fucking dick who needs to learn how to watch his mouth.

zoe:

not an pure baby angel, by any means. we’re at a disadvantage because we only see zoe when she’s sort of grieving (because grief can and will come in different ways, and while i see her as not missing connor, i do think that her pushing away her feelings is a form of her grieving imo? it’s a weird thing to explain but there’s a part of zoe that does miss (the old) connor’s presence as w the fake emails evan “gave her her brother back” (albeit a very fake version of connor) and sort of standoffish when it comes to the subject of connor

a bit of an ambivert. extremely outgoing when she’s around her friends or when it comes to music and other things she loves.

very individualistic! her style tends to have doodles on her clothes, she dyes her hair a lot, she probably would be the kind of person to make her own jewelry!

very sweet. the castng call for zoe describes her as being the kind of person who learns the names of the kids who sit alone at lunch and thats she goes out of her way to be nice to people since. connor. yeah.

thats all ive got for zoe but u can always send questions in and i can say yes or no after i ask my pals too

alana:

smart gal! valedictorian! president! i love her! tends to overshare a bit. anxiety + depression gal.

probably into gardening tbh? i can see alana having succulents in her room and maybe a dog that just chills with her.

dont be afraid to make alana mouthy. alana is someone whos extremely headstrong in her actions imo and does what she believes is right, even if others dont believe that. like… think about the fact that she literally published what was believed to be connor’s suicide note because she thought it’d get them the last bit of help they needed for the orchard. it literally fucked the murphys over - but she never considered that?

very much an extrovert. just really wants to belong, man. very optimistic on the surface but i can see her being a little less so underneath. she looks on the bright side because if she doesnt, she doesnt know who will and idk i dont think alana’s the kind of person who just... lets that risk be there.

connor:

we dont kno much abt connor in canon but uhhh…. i can see connor as being a loner, sort of aggressive by accident (tbh this dude’s probably used to people being a dick to him so he’s just sorta standoffish in response) but like… whenever i write connor i usually write him as getting better? he’s gotten the help he needs and he’s doin better 

artsy depressed dude. poetry, painting, ect - whatever u want tbh. i just see connor, with help, finding himself in art or something creative (theatre and music included! u do u!)

very much a reader. this dude both has a lot of books on his bookshelf and a lot more books he hasnt fucking read because hes terrible at reading new books. (i personally hc he loves all of poe’s work)

to sorta sum connor up: bold, but not outgoing. caring, but not obvious with it (once he gets help btw). easily angered but sometimes he just doesn’t fucking know why and that frustrates him further. troubled.

honestly if u want to see one of my fave connors - check out @ask-sincerely-memes​! i rly love how they portray all three of the boys, but connor is by far my favorite! (mod con and/or mod ev if u read this i love u)

OK ONTO THE BMC FUCKERS if you want to kno abt the adults for either show then feel free to ask

jeremy:

anxiety boy, but not evan hansen level of anxiety. more just… self deprecating, not super confident in himself, probably underestimates himself a lot.

jeremys hard to explain sometimes because a lot of his actions and dialogue comes naturally since i can actually relate to jeremy a lot, personality-wise? a really good fact to throw out there is i don’t think jeremy’s the kind of guy who just goes for stuff sometimes. he has to sorta be hyped up by others imo. michael motivated him to sign up for the play, rich and michael both played parts in getting him squipped (michael in the aspect of “lets check this out and see if its legit” bc i doubt jeremy would have genuinely done that on his own).

which really means jeremy isnt the kind of guy to just… confess things, unless it’s built up enough (i.e. jeremys confrontation w reader in unlonely since it was a conversation he’d been thinking about for a bit). in canon, he didnt really… confess to christine without the help of alcohol (at the halloween party) or without other people building him up (voices in my head). 

im literally rereading jeremy fics rn because im trying to come up with a good way of describing him

extremely horny teenage boy. hormones suck. for anyone who writes nsfw: i dont see jeremy being incredibly kinky and sexual and dominant (god forbid) his first fucking time having sex. especially if its both him and the readers first time. sex can be clumsy. you can laugh during sex. but also sex smells. like… once you’ve smelled it, you fucking know it - its just a weird combo of sweat and bodily fluids. 

that last part was just a PSA for ppl.

lightweight boy. a lot bolder when drunk. thank you.

honestly if u have any questions abt jeremy, i can try to answer them more specifically but this is as general as i can get.

michael

not an uwu anxious depressed innocent baby boy uwu. remember that michael literally withheld the mtn dew red from jeremy because he wanted an apology. remember that michael wouldnt have been squipped because michael had been completely comfortable with who he is. michael likes his place. he doesn’t want to be cool and popular - he likes who he is. michael in the bathroom was a peak moment of michael finally letting go of emotions he’d been withholding - jeremy calling him a “loser” was the final straw that broke him. thank u this has been a psa.

a goofy boy. probably snorts when he laughs and im not projecting there what are you talking about-

okay, canonically: likes video games, likes retro shit (probably the kind of nerd who LIVES for arcades and record stores and vintage clothing stores even if he doesnt mix that into his personal style), very into music. there’s a lot you can do with this! 

imo he’s very caring? like. okay, yes he did withhold mtn dew red from jeremy - but michael still went through the trouble of finding and obtaining that in order to deactivate the squip. i think michael’s a fairly understanding dude, even if he has moments of anger.

just a very warm person. probably the kind of person who stops and makes sure people are okay when he notices they’re upset.

sometimes impulsive. sometimes very restless, imo. bouncy boy. 

like w jeremy - you can absolutely send me questions abt michael (or anyone tbh!) and i’ll answer them the best i can! im by no means an expert but ive got pals i can bother in order to help get a solid answer :3

christine

chriiistiiiiiiiiine, the love of my life. a gal w ADD! please don’t forget that! i personally hc that she got into a theatre as a way of like… sort of getting energy out since she’s fairly restless??? track girl christine….. also good

loves herself a lot tbh! like. in the show, its canon that she has stuff to figure out but i personally think christine loves herself and her body and is proud of who she is?

very friendly, very open, very passionate abt theatre! these are basic facts lmao

very sweet! very smart! she’s like... The Girl in all the movies that everyones like “oh no i love her” bc shes just a bubbly gal

writing christine is really hard to describe sometimes. like with all the characters, i write what feels right and sounds right to me and to others.

but like... to be honest, as long as you stay a bit happy and supportive and loving with christine - you’re on the right track.

jake

god - one of my favorite boys to write sometimes because there’s a lot to do with jake’s character

he’s the ultimate cool dude in high school. probably the kind of dude who would join a frat in college. handsome, popular, flirtatious - you fucking name it man.

sorta effortlessly popular and cool. there’s problems underneath - considering his family - but it’s hard to see that he has flaws when everything just comes so easily to him.

a very caring and sweet dude tbh. his friends mean a lot to him and he’s the kind of boy who carries your books and asks where you’re going and how you’re doing

he makes mistakes. he gets aggressive and protective and just angry physically - he did try to attack jeremy, albeit drunk, based purely on the idea that jeremy was having sex w chloe - so like... that’s a good thing to acknowledge

i said hes flirtatious and he is - without realizing it. someone probably has called him out on it and he’s like “sorry what?” bc he was caught up in talking to someone and not realizing that the dillinger charm never went off. because it never goes off. rip.

rich

GOD, my FAVORITE BOY, the LOVE OF MY LIFE, i love him.

squipped: aggressive. a bully. stinky. 0/10.

post-squipcident: getting better. sorta numb at first before happy, outgoing rich resurfaces because He’s Fine! Do Not Worry! but y’know like... he definitely has a lot of problems with what he did and who he was while he had the squip

a bit sensitive imo. easily upset on certain topics, easily angered on others. really misses his mom (i hc she died and his dad took up drinking as a coping mechanism and its mainly rich and his older brother relying on each other but thats just me tbh.)

rich is tricky to write when it comes to his home life. while i see rich’s dad as being a loud drunk, others see him as being physically abusive and so forth and - okay, that’s your decision, but please make sure you’re being respectful and you post trigger warnings because some people are in abusive homes and it’s not a fun thing to read. 

great sense of humor imo. flirtatious but in the more obvious “haha hey lets bone ;)” way. alternatively: flirtatious with squip, floundering a bit without it because all he knows is “haha hey wanna fuck” 

would probably fight a dick for his pals. rly just loves his friends even if he doesn’t show it.

chloe

chloe is a bit hard to write without saying “shes kind of a bitch” but like... she is and she knows it and she fucking owns it.

casting call: “ confident, crass, sexy, manipulative, and downright mean at times”

so like. she’s nowhere near bein a sweet angel baby uwu

has problems. explore them. she literally was down to fuck brooke’s boyfriend since jeremy was dating brooke yknow. part of it could be alcohol but like... dont ignore that fact. like. she probs needs to talk to both brooke and jeremy.

i think of chloe as someone who can see the potential in others tbh. gets slightly annoyed when people arent achieving what they could - but i like to imagine she gets it after a while since some ppl dont have confidence and such. 

yknow the kind of people that take charge when the situation calls for it? that’s chloe. she’s very much a leader. cunning, ambitious - she’s fucking ready.

brooke

more of an angel i guess? sweet, a bit insecure, and a little more caring. not very dominant in situations - tends to be more of a follower (as shown w her and chloe’s friendship)

very caring actually. she literally followed jeremy out and said “uhhh he was kind of a dick to women but i know u like eminem” upon his death in the show??? like??? she literally went to check on this boy.

imo she sorta needs to learn to be bolder. to not take shit. shes probably the kind of person who says yes to a lot of things even if they’re conflicting bc she doesn’t want to like... bother someone and make things worse

emotional, imo. fairly feminine.

its hard to keep describing sdfkjhds sorry

jenna

not popular. remember that she wanted people to be interested in her, which is why she gossips a lot

probably tends to overhear half of the gossip. other than that, i can see her easily finding shit out bc she has eyes Everywhere

bold, fairly extroverted, probably really fucking smart tbh. give her love. she deserves it.

thats both at me and everyone else. jenna rolan ily...

very much a big sister figure, post-squipcident. theres this kdrama i was watching where the main protag lives w a couple other girls and one of the oldest one of the bunch is very much a big sister figure that will call other people out on their bullshit because she knows protag isnt the kind of person to do that? thats jenna. and chloe, but mostly jenna.

probably the kind of person who wants to be helpful imo. she likes feeling useful.

[thehappymessproject]

81/100 - Giving ourselves focus and love by choosing one word for the year

This is very exciting for me to write about : I’ve never really done it. 

A little bit more than five years ago, I just had discovered the incredible work of Dr. Brene Brown on vulnerability and courage, and it simply blew my mind. I felt like I was reading about one of the most important things I could ever educate myself on. 

The books and her TED talks already had changed my daily life in subtle touches, but I wanted more. I also knew I needed more. I was afraid to forget about it in the next few months and hated the thought. So, I took some time to reflect, and over a couple of weeks, came to a big decision (especially for me who used to be commitment phobic in so many ways).

I would spend a year learning courage.

It became one of the most exciting years of my life. For me, learning how to be brave was essentially about saying yes to a lot of things I would have usually say no to out of fear, and no to a lot of things that would bring me comfort in the moment, but preventing me to do things that really mattered to me in the long run. 

I tried out a lot of activities I had never tried, but felt curious about like climbing, sewing, baking pastries... 

I paid a lot of attention to those moments where I would feel afraid, ashamed or uncomfortable, and pushed myself to be brave in my way of dealing with them. 

Choosing to tell a friend that I was feeling hurt and set a boundary rather than silencing myself in hope it doesn’t happen anymore. 

When really down, channelling more energy to do anything that would bring myself self-loving comfort rather numbing comfort. 

Breaking off relationships that felt depleting to me.

It was a tiring year, sure. But it was also one of the most empowering ones. Each time I would choose the brave path instead of the comfortable one, I would feel stronger and more centred. Embodying the experience of bravery, training those courage muscles. 

I realised at the end of the year, when I was feeling really sad about seeing what I called my brave year coming to a year, that I didn’t want to give it up, but I also didn’t want to repeat it as is either. I also noticed that overall, being brave for me had a lot to do with exploring my creativity. 

So I decided to make the next year my creative year. I had so much fun! 

I started taking way more photos, tried to learn guitar and piano for a while, spent a few months sewing like a crazy person, I wrote more that year than in the decade before, and towards the third trimester of my year devoted to creativity, started to paint with watercolours and do the lettering you can now see on my artsy Instagram account. 

Both activities were those bringing me the most joy while allowing me to let my guard down : when painting, I was less attacked by the voices in my head trying to bring me down and discourage me. (ah, the joy of defence mechanisms bullying us...) I was finding more easily ways to bypass them than in any other setting. 

I noticed that creating (and doing anything that mattered to me in my life) was only possible for me when I would take good care of myself. When I would commit to loving myself everyday by showing up. But self-care was so hard for me... 

So... Yeah you guessed it, I took my practice to a new ground by declaring the following year my self-care year. 

I had just discovered the existence of the Find what feels good channel on Youtube a few weeks before, I had ended my creative year with The artist’s way, a 8 weeks program using Julia Cameron’s wonderful book to discover or recover our inner artist, which had taught me how to journal in a way that would connect myself to my heart better than ever. And I had dabbled for a few years on and off with meditation. I had all the tools lying before me already. 

As often when we live an intentional life, the Universe (or call it luck if you’re more comfortable) was helping in subtle ways that can only be noticed when we pay attention to the opportunities we are presented with, and allow ourselves to take them. 

So I did just that. I finally found the courage to take better care of myself and making it a priority. That year was full of softness and whole heartedness. It felt like discovering the essence of who I was. 

Since I was struggling with commitment (still), I focused on one self-loving activity at the time. A few weeks mostly meditating. A few weeks mostly doing yoga. A few weeks getting back to journaling. I thought I could choose which activity I would keep, but realised they all were giving me so much, and yet so differently that I wanted to keep them all. 

I would still create more and more, and take my work as a psychologist to another level, and was struggling to make everything fit in my daily time. Now that I knew better what kind of life I wanted, I felt stuck at making it work as a whole.

So I dedicated last year to finding Balance. I loved it so much. It was like deepening everything I had built in the previous three years. The courage, the creative energy and the love. 

It taught me how to be more flexible and finding way to make things stick, one step at a time, one day at a time and to honour my pace. I set up a few challenges to help on the way. Strengthened my morning routine that felt easier and more necessary than an evening one (currently working on that). 

I explored how my love for art, psychology and writing could be intertwined. It felt like coming home to myself. 

This “year” actually took a little bit more time. I used to choose my word of the year at the end of summer. But last September, I felt stuck. I had just moved to the other side of the globe (another marvellous consequence of all that personal inner journey), felt completely thrown out of balance and quite depleted. 

Then, a few weeks ago, after a few months finding my footing back, it was suddenly obvious. What I struggled with and had to practice the most lately was letting go : finding ways to trust myself, my intuition and the process. I’d say in short : trusting the universe and finding the flow. 

So this year will be my year of flow.

I started by deciding that my practice could now fit better at the beginning of the year rather the school year, the end of the year being a perfect time to reflect and gather our bearings, taking stock. 

When I’m down, finding flow is about giving myself the time and space necessary to heal, letting go of the shoulds and musts. 

When I’m really happy, it’s more about finding pace, not over doing it. 

It is already teaching me how to let go of things, people and spaces that were really important at a time, but became depleting over time. I have never ever felt as free and can’t wait to see more of what this year is going to teach me. 

Choosing one word to devote every year to has with no doubt changed my whole life from the inside out. Like a soothing lighthouse in the dark, it gives me a focus point to always rely on. 

I am never feeling like time passed by without my awareness anymore, being intentional makes time pass more slowly and mindfully. It is helping me to remind myself over and over what is important, and what gets in the way and distract me. It is teaching me more about myself than I ever felt possible. It is allowing me to create the life I really want. 

If reading that essay inspired you to find your own word, I would love nothing more than to know which one you chose and maybe why f you would feel comfortable sharing. 

Here are a few questions that can help to start : What are you feeling like you lack of? What would your ideal 2019 be devoted to? What is preventing you from living your best life right now?

Write your answers down and any word that come up too : it will help you a lot to make it real, tangible. The right one for you will spark something in your body when you write it or if you start making art around it. Let yourself feel it, and trust it. Your heart knows.

See you soon,  Love,  L. 

[lowat-golden-tower]

Paging Dr. Birthday

Soooo yes. I know this is late. I know you're all screaming at me, "WHERE'S THE EMBRACING DARKNESS UPDATE." I'm sorry. Life's been crazy, and I haven't had much time or motivation to write. But I was determined to do something for the doc's birthday, even if it ended up getting posted two days later... oops....

But still! This is a good thing, because it means I'm getting my writing mojo back. Hopefully I'll have the new chapter out soon. In the meantime, I hope you enjoy some silly shenanigans with another set of egos. I struggled a bit with this but I'm very happy with the end result.

A very belated happy birthday to you, Dr. Henrik von Schneeplestein! May you continue keeping all our green beans safe, come Hell or glitch bitch.

AO3 Mirror

"Alright, listen, we gotta do this fer Schneeps. He's awesome, an' he keeps us put together, an' he jus' got outta havin' a bad rap with tha fans. He needs this. Especially after that video where Anti fucked wit'im."

Chase turned his head to shoot said glitch a look, the other Jacksepticeye egos following suit. Well, except for Robbie, but he was a little slow on the uptake. They could forgive him for it and just left him to contentedly chew on the kitchen table.

Anti, for his part, merely sneered at the group and proceeded to flip them off, his entire form briefly glitching in place.

Chase sighed and slipped off his hat so he could run a hand through his hair, ruffling it up and scratching at his scalp. "So. Glitchy arseholes aside-"

"Iǹh͞a̵l̴e҉ ͝my҉ ̶d̷ong̴, C͟h͟a̕se."̀

"-we need a plan. At least some ideas on what ta do. What about a surprise party?"

"I can make confetti! And streamers. And sparks! I can even make tha candles light up when he comes in." Marvin was quick to offer, wiggling his fingers and grinning with a flourish.

Chase pointed at the eager magician with a happy nod. "Yes. Good. What else?"

"If you can bake a cake, I can decorate eet to perfection! Mua! Tres magnifique. My masterpiece." Jacques cut in, kissing his fingertips. He was quick to go back to doodling, though, shooing away a curious Robbie before he could drool all over his sketchbook.

"Okay, cake, I can do that. And Marv can help, right Marv?" Chase looked back to the magician again, who gave an enthusiastic nod and thumbs up. "Sweet. Okay. So..." Slowly, his blue eyes slid to Anti, who was still sitting huffy and with his arms crossed.

Anti met Chase's gaze for a singular moment, then looked away and curled his lip into a disdainful sneer. "͘F̶o̧o͠k̡ off͏.̧ ̛I͟ ̵aiņ't͏ d͞o͞i͏n͢' ̡sh͟it̵e ͟fer̛ ͞t͏h̸ąt lo̵ony͟ ̕b̢in̨.̴ ̢Hav̵e ̧f̴ùn͝ ̸scar̢i͠n' tha͡ piss͢ out̷ta̸ h̴įm ͟f͢er ̡me, a̧n͏d ̶pr̛ob͘a͠b̢ly ̧gett̛in͞' s͜t́ab́bed̴ ͟wi̡t͜h a̶ ̛s̴ca̡lpe͡l͝ f͏er ye҉r͠ e̛f͞fo͟rt͘s. ͠I'm͘ ̀ou͟t!" With that, Anti glitched out of the kitchen, leaving behind the buzz of static and taste of iron.

Chase sighed and slipped his hat back onto his head. "Welp. Was worth a shot, at least. I think a cake'll be present enough, since I don't really know what Schneeps likes besides... medical... shite. Y'know. So let's just bake him a cake. Jacques can decorate it, and..." His gaze slid to where Robbie sat, clearly zoned out and drooling onto the table. Chase scratched at one of his sideburns. "...maybe Robbie can help. Mostly let's just make sure he doesn't drool on tha cake or anythin'."

Robbie looked up at the sound of his name, grunting curiously. He didn't quite understand what was going on, but it had something to do with the nice doctor who always stiched him back together when he fell apart. That and cake. Robbie liked cake. Maybe they would let him have some cake?

Before he could try to ask, there was the sudden crash of splintering wood from above. Chunks of debris and dust fell into the kitchen, frightening off those gathered at the table. Robbie ran out of the room with a lengthy cry, still heard quite clearly even after he'd gone down the hall. Marvin had his wand out at the ready, while Jacques and Chase coughed in the cloud of slowly settling dust.

"Who tha fook-"

"Greetin's, fellow citizens! Sorry I'm late, but I had ta save a train!" The confident form of Jackieboy stood upon the dust-strewn table, fists resting firmly on his hips. He wore a blinding grin, his head held high as if he hadn't just blasted a hole through their ceiling. "I heard we were makin' up plans for tha doc! I'm here ta offer my services."

Jacques wheezed, "Well ye can start by gettin' off tha fookin' table!"

In the end, Jackieboy was left to keep Schneep distracted and away from the kitchen. Which in hindsight, wasn't really all that hard, seeing as the doctor normally stayed cooped up in his office anyway. So Jackieboy's secondary task became keeping an eye out for any signs of sabotage from Anti, with a very minor tertiary task of corraling a hungry Robbie.

"Robbie, no, yeh can't eat tha eggs or tha flour. Not only is it bad fer yeh, but they need it ta make tha cake!" Jackieboy tugged the drooling, wide-eyed zombie back from the kitchen for the sixth time. The sleeves of his suit were covered in zombie spit by now and he internally sighed, not looking forward to washing the spandex. "C'mon, let's find yeh somethin' ta chew on." The hero grunted, dragging Robbie off down the hall.

Chase felt a twinge of guilt at Robbie's needy grunts and disapppointed groans, but they could make it up to him with cake later. If they got that far. Pursing his lips into a frown, Chase scratched at his hairline, almost knocking off his hat in the process. He squinted down at the recipe on his phone and scowled. "This doesn't make any sense. This is stupid."

"I told yeh, I could always just..." Marvin began, giving his wand a little wiggle.

Chase immediately shook his head. "No magic. Yeh've never conjured food before, an' no offense Marv, but I really don't want ta poison tha doc on his birthday. Or... us. Besides, it takes some of tha thought outta it, doesn't it? Jus' summonin' one up? Like goin' to tha store an' buyin' one. It's just cake. We can figure this out." Maybe. Hopefully.

"Whossat big bakin' YouTuber? Tha one Mark likes ta do videos with?" Marvin suggested after more wasted time spent staring at the recipe and dully cracking eggs into a mixing bowl.

"Rosanna Pansino? Oh yeah! Yer right, she's probably got a whole tutorial on bakin' a cake. Good one, Marv!"

Marvin beamed with happiness, and together the pair searched up the most appropriate video they could find. Her visual instructions made it a little easier. Soon enough, the cakes were in the oven, and the kitchen was an absolute disaster.

Chase and Marvin didn't look much better, and Chase laughed. "Yeh got egg on yer mask."

"Well you've got flour all over yer hat!" Marvin countered, grinning.

Chase removed his hat to find it had indeed changed into a different color, and together they both shared another laugh. Then he sighed and plopped his hat back on. "We're both a mess, and so's tha kitchen. I call tha shower first, then you should get one in before we throw tha big surprise. That way I'll be here ta check on tha cakes."

Marvin nodded. "I can try ta clean up a little in tha meantime. Magic's fine fer cleanin', right?" He put on his very best puppydog look and batted his eyelashes.

Chase snorted. "Yeah, yeah. But only ta clean. Don't do anythin' ta tha cakes!" He pointed at Marvin with severity, and the magician gave an obedient nod.

"O' course, o' course. No magic cakes!"

"Good. I'll be back."

The moment Chase was out of sight, Marvin's angelic expression turned a tiny bit devious. He smirked at the oven and raised his wand. "No magic cakes. But magic oven? Didn't hear any rules about that...."

When Chase returned to the kitchen later, he was happy to find it spotless.

He was significantly less happy to find the cakes already out of the oven, having apparently quadrupled in size. And multiplied. Chase was distinctly sure they only put two cakes in the oven, but the stack Jacques was busily decorating consisted of at least four or five.

Marvin, spying him, grimaced and was quick to duck past him out of the kitchen. "My turn ta shower! Gotta hurry before the party! Bye!" He was gone before Chase could really register the escape and try to stop him, thus leaving him alone with Jacques in the kitchen.

Chase sighed heavily and rubbed at his forehead. Sometimes, it felt like he had an entirely new set of kids to care for. Oh well. There was no real fixing it now. Especially since Jacques appeared to be "in the zone." Once the artsy ego got going, it was hazardous to try and stop him. Like stopping a speeding train, really. Last time Chase tried to ask him something while Jacques was in the middle of painting a portrait, he'd nearly gotten a paintbrush shoved up his nose.

Jacques was humming to himself, smearing acidic green frosting along the stack of cakes. He was hardly a baker or cake decorator, but he was the most creative out of them all. Chase wouldn't have given the important task to anyone else. Still, he felt it necessary to ask...

"You, uh... yer usin' food colorin', right?"

Jacques only response was to grunt his irritation at being interrupted and wave a hand. Chase wasn't sure if that meant "shoo" or "yes" but he was going to take it as the latter. Another word and he might end up with a pastry bag tip shoved somewhere very unpleasant.

"Robbie, no, yeh can have cake later, I promise! Righ' now Jacques has gotta work! C'mon..." Jackieboy whined as he barely caught a sprinting Robbie under the armpits. Chase had stumbled back, surprised by the zombie's efforts.

His surprise redoubled when Robbie's arms popped right off.

"Fook-"

"Jackie!"

"It was an accident. I ferget he can jus' fall apart like that!"

"Well stop'im, he's gonna get to tha cake!"

"CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE." Robbie stumbled towards the monstrosity Marvin had cultivated, jaw hanging and drool flowing freely. He might not have had arms anymore, but that was hardly going to stop him.

Thankfully, Jacques was not intimidated by a hungry zombie. The moment he heard someone drawing near, he whipped around and stuck his frosting-coated spatula in the ego's face. Robbie was so stunned by the move that he actually stopped, staring at the spatula with wide, confused eyes. "No. Bad zombie. Zat is a very, very bad zombie! Down boy! Heel! Go! Shoo-shoo! Begone from zis masterpiece! It ees not yet completed! Shoo!"

Robbie whined, then whimpered as the spatula was waved about in his face. He ducked away from it, tantalizing as the sweet smell of frosting could be, then turned tail and ran away again.

Chase watched him go, then looked down at the fallen limbs. He nudged one with a foot.

Jackie mimicked him, but with less limb nudging. "I should... probably..."

"...go give him his arms back, yeah. At least it'll keep Schneep distracted."

Schneep sighed while he diligently sewed Robbie's arms back to his shoulders. It had almost become busy work for him; a task he completed dozens of times a month. He could probably do it with his eyes closed at this point.

Jackieboy was no stranger to his clinic either. If the superhero wasn't coming in after a scrape with "evil-doers" or a crash landing, then he was bringing in one of the others. Robbie was, indeed, the likely suspect. Today was no different. Still, it was quite the feat that Robbie had managed to lose both arms at once. At least it prevented him from messing around with Schneep's supplies.

"Und just how did he manage to lose zem zis time?"

Jackieboy rubbed at the back of his neck, expression sheepish. "Oh, y'know... zombie things. Think he mighta been chasin' somethin'."

"Hmph." Schneep squinted at his stitching, then clipped the excess. He moved on to the other shoulder but not before shooting Jackieboy a suspicious frown. He was acting strangely. "Und you just happened to find heem like zis?"

"Uh, yup! Definitely. Had nothin' ta do with the accident at all."

"...right. Of course."

Robbie burbled out some nonsense while he tested his reattached arm. It thumped repeatedly against the little table until Schneep grabbed for it, pressing it down.

"Stop."

Robbie grunted at him, but seemed to listen- for the moment. Schneep had barely gone back to stitching when Robbie's arm flung out, knocking over an entire cup of tongue depressors. Schneep released a guttural cry of frustration.

"I got it, doc!" Jackieboy was quick on the draw, scooping up the wooden sticks and dumping them back into the cup. Robbie burbled and slapped his hand against the table in response; clearly amused and impressed. Jackieboy had to smile at the child-like behavior. "Gotta be careful, Robbie. Don't wanna break anything now." He reached out to ruffle the zombie's hair, resulting in multiple happy noises coupled with a dopey grin.

Schneep scoffed. "He should focus on not breakeeng heemself."

Jackieboy may have just been reading too into things as he was wont to do, but it sounded like Schneep was more agitated than usual. The doctor was almost always a salty individual, but this level of hostility was... out of the ordinary. Especially towards Robbie. Good thing they had a special surprise planned! Surely that would lift Schneep's dampened spirits. "Hey, at least he's easy ta put back together."

Schneep scrunched up his nose. "Yes... und drool is easier to get out of clothes zan blood."

Once Marvin was showered and the cake was completed, it was simply a matter of dressing up the kitchen. Between the three egos, it proved to be, well... a piece of cake. Marvin conjured up a majority of what they needed, or they dug it out of the closets from previous parties. Jacques told them where to hang what and kept everything in a healthy balance of color.

The cake itself shone like a brilliant beacon in the center of the kitchen, all greens and blues with little Sam's piped here and there. Jacques had done his best to add on some medical things like giving the Sam's surgical masks, stenciling out makeshift syringes and scalpels and even writing out "Happy Birthday!" in a lovely white script at the top. He'd really outdone himself. Chase had no doubt Schneep was going to love it.

"Okay, so I texted Jackie, an' he should be showin' up any time with tha doc. We gotta dim tha lights an' get into positions fer the big surprise! So find a good hidin' spot an' wait until tha lights come on to jump out, got it?"

The other two nodded. Marvin gave a little swish of his cape, and just like that disappeared in a puff of smoke. Dramatic, but effective. Jacques, on the other hand, was all drama and... almost zero effect. He hid behind a chair. Chase supposed it would do and slipped into the cupboard, leaving the door cracked to see.

The seconds stretched into what felt like minutes, then hours, with those gathered practically holding their breaths in anticipation. Their ears were primed to catch the softest squeak of floorboards, but it honestly took so long Chase was about ready to shoot Jackieboy another text. It was in that exact moment they heard the voices; several sets of footsteps accompanying them towards the kitchen.

"Jackie, honestly, zere is a coffee machine een my clinic!" Schneep sounded exasperated. Hopefully the surprise and cake would be enough to make up for whatever tactics Jackieboy had used to keep him occupied.

"Well, yeah, but tha one in tha kitchen makes such better coffee. I mean, yeh can taste tha difference. Besides, 's always good ta get up an' stretch yer legs a little bit."

"I am on my feets all ze time, Jackieboy. I hardly need more exercise."

"Of course. I just... I meant..."

"CAKE." Robbie. He was going to blow their cover!

"Ca-?" Schneep began, tone questioning, only to be abruptly cut-off by Jackieboy.

"Oh! Right! It was cake he chasin' after, before. Y'know, when he ripped his arms off? Poor thing must still be cravin' it, ahaha...."

There was silence, but Chase knew Schneep; he was probably squinting at Jackieboy with the upmost skepticism. He wanted to smack his forehead. Why, oh why, did all of them have to be so bad at lies and deception? Well, except for Anti, but he didn't count. Not as if he wanted anything to do with this, anyway.

Thankfully, Schneep didn't have anymore time to consider what Jackieboy might be trying to hide. At that moment, the kitchen light switched on. "Vhy is eet zo dark een here?"

"SURPRISE!"

Chase leapt out of the cupboard, arms flung wide with a grin on his face. He glanced across the kitchen, hoping the others had remembered their cue. Jacques was on his feet, gesturing towards the cake he'd spent painstaking hours on. And in another puff of smoke, Marvin reappeared, his cape swishing and wand raised. Just like that, bright green confetti rained from the ceiling, and the candles scattered about the cake lit up.

"Surprise...!" Jackieboy tacked on a few seconds later, giving some jazz hands and a sheepish grin of his own.

Robbie grunted, eyeing the cake, but apparently he'd learned his lesson.

Schneep openly gawked at it all. His stunned expression wasn't hindered in the slightest, as he'd removed his surgical mask for a nice coffee break. There was confetti in his hair but he either didn't notice or ignored it in favor of looking around to take it all in. He was speechless.

Chase's grin faltered when more than a minute had passed without some reaction from the doctor. He glanced at the other egos anxiously, and wasn't sure if he felt relief or more concern when his anxiety was mirrored back to him. Was this a mistake? Did Schneep hate it? Was he upset and just trying not to let it loose in front of everyone? Maybe Anti was right. Maybe this was a bad idea.

Robbie's drool dripping to the linoleum was the only sound, the zombie valiantly holding himself off. He only had eyes for the cake, though, completely oblivious to the growing awkward tension. Cake.

Finally, Chase began to lower his arms, expression crumpled into uncertainty and regret. "Do... you... not like it...?" The others followed his actions, dropping their arms. Marvin began to fidget with his cape.

Schneep blinked rapidly, as if coming out of a trance. The action finally dislodged the tears which had been gathered in his blue eyes; a thin film too transparent to be seen. They dripped down his cheeks and he slowly lifted a hand, touching at the wetness on his face. He looked as stunned as the rest of them. "Oh."

Chase tensed, his hands flying up. "Doc. Fook, doc, I'm sorry, I just thought- fook." He stepped forward, unsure of what to do but wanting to help.

"I knew zis was a bad idea!" Jacques bemoaned dramatically, though he'd said absolutely nothing of the sort prior to right this very moment.

"Oh no doc don't cry! Don't cry!" Marvin rushed forward as well, expression pained and guilty.

Jackieboy clutched at his head with a grimace. "Ahhhh fook, we made Schneeps cry, I can't believe we fooked up that badly." What to do? What to do? He was a hero! He should know this!

Robbie blinked at all of the commotion, turning around with a grunt. He tilted his head, watching the other egos hover around the doctor. No cake?

"Doc..." Chase tried again, his heart aching as he watched the ego brush more tears off his face. "Henrik, I'm sorry, I thought..." He trailed off, intially because he thought Schneep was starting to sob. His heart almost broke, but then he and the others realized it wasn't sobs bubbling past Schneep's lips, but laughter. Chase's blue eyes went wide; all the egos visibly flummoxed.

It took Schneep a few moments to form words between the laughter, and when he did manage it they were breathless; his tone giddy. There were still a few tears trickling down his cheeks but now the others were understanding them to be tears of joy. "No, no, no. You misunderstand. I am not upset! No! I am zo happy. I am..." He huffed out a breath, his broad grin making his eyes crinkle at the corners. "...I vas beginning to zink you all forgot, to be honest, I..." Schneep shook his head. "I vas not expecteeng a party like this, or cake, but just a 'happy birthday' or two...."

The words clicked in Jackieboy's brain, and suddenly he comprehended the cause of Schneep's prickly attitude earlier. He was upset that no one had stopped by to at least wish him a happy birthday. And when he registered the fact they'd gone above and beyond, throwing him a party, he'd just been too stunned to say anything. Stunned to tears, apparently. Jackieboy's heart performed a somersault in his chest. "Doc..."

"Don't look at me, I am a hideous mess! All zese snot und tears, agh. I need a tissue." Schneep sniffed, still scrubbing at his reddened face. The tension in room dissipated like air leaking from a balloon.

Chase smiled, and then he chuckled a bit himself. Relief flooded his system as he took off his hat to run fingers through his hair. "Henrik. C'mon. As if we'd ferget your birthday! We jus' wanted ta make it extra special."

"I'm glad yer not cryin' 'cause yer upset, but here." Marvin pulled a tissue from his sleeve after a bit of fancy handwork, passing it off to the sniffling doctor with a gentle smile. "We'd never forget your birthday, Schneep. Yeh do too much fer us."

"A cake is ze least you deserve." Jacques tacked on, having recovered from his dramatic display.

Robbie still didn't know the specifics of what was going on, but he grunted and nodded emphatically. Everyone was saying good things about the doctor, and he agreed.

Jackieboy laughed and gave Schneep a hearty slap on the back. "Yeh big sap! Lookit you, cryin' like a little kid. You underestimate us." He only beamed when Schneep sent him a look over his shoulder, giving a wink and cute two-fingered salute.

Schneep scoffed, taking a moment to blow his nose one more time before discarding the tissue. "Alright, alright, zo I vas mistaken. One of very few mistakes I am glad for. I only hope ze wax deed not ruin zis cake. Eet is enormous!"

It was Chase's turn to shoot Marvin a look, who grinned sheepishly. "I uh... mighta fiddled with tha oven... a bit. But like I said, yeh deserved a fantastic cake! No- a magnificent cake! Jacques did a great job decoratin', an' don't worry about tha candles. Magic fire means no melty wax. Bit of a trick I've been workin' on." He gave a wink of his own, grinning.

"Please, it was nozing! Child's play!" Jacques was silently preening at the praise, though, everyone could see it.

Schneep shook his head, but he was still smiling as he stepped closer to the cake. The others gathered around, Robbie showing brilliant self-control by not shoving his face into it straight away. "Eet's amazing. All of zis is. Zank you, all of you."

"Happy birthday, Schneeps. Blow out tha candles and make a wish!"

"Happy birthday, Schneep. Make it a good one."

"Good luck blowing them all out at once. Happy birthday."

"Caaaaake." Robbie grunted, turning to smile at Schneep. "Birfday."

Schneep chuckled. "Yes. Yes eet is, Robbie." The sheer size of the cake and the number of candles was a little intimidating, but Schneep was determined. He drew in a deep breath, prepared to try his best, when suddenly the very top of the cake exploded outwards. He choked on the breath he'd taken, shocked, stumbling backwards and sputtering. "Vhat-"

Frosting spotted everyone, and the furniture, but that was the extent of the damage. Multiple sets of blue eyes squinted up at the top of the cake, flabbergasted, but the cause of the explosion was immediately obvious. There, with his naked upper half sticking out from the top of the cake, was none other than Anti. Frosting and bits of cake were smeared all over his skin, his green hair sticking to his face. He bore the biggest grin of all while he flung his arms out to either side in a clear show of "Here I am!".

"ANTI?!"

"̧Su͢r̶prise! ̧I̸ ch͢ange͞d ͡my ͏m̶i͜n͠d̶.͢ ͏D́e̡cid͢ed͜ ҉to͟ ̡dro̸p͘ in òn̢ ̨you̴r ͏li͝ttle̛ pa̛rty͡ aft͢e̡r ҉all͞. ́I ͝h̢eard ̧t̢h̕is ̢w͝a̴s͘ ̶a ͝p͡opu̕l͢a̧r͏ th͠i̸ng ͟t́o d͝o͠, ̡f͢er̴ gi͡ànt̕ ̷cak͜és͢.̢ F̕ig̵u̕r͞ed̶ ͞y͠o̴u'҉d ͟a̧p̴p̧rec̢iat̶e͏ it̕.͡" Anti glitched a bit, his head jerking to one side while he leered down at the doctor.

Schneep's face looked torn between paling and being flustered, rapidly flickering between white and red. He sputtered again, absolutely floored. "Did you all plan zis?!"

"NO!" Chase was quick to deny involvement, though it was also obvious he was having a hard time swallowing down his laughter. "Anti wanted nothin' ta do with yer party!"

"Mon dieu!" Jacques pressed the back of his wrist to his forehead and made a show of fainting, Jackieboy faithfully running over to "catch" him.

The superhero rolled his eyes. "For fook's sake, Anti."

"W͟hąt̶? Yo̡u w͢anted̷ a ̷śu͝ŕp̴r͡i̢se,̧ I̷ gàve̛ ́it͝ ͜to͝ y͟ou!́ ͝Y̢ou͝ ̨şhǫuld bè ͏t̨ḩan͟king me̶!"

"Uh. I just... I was wonderin'...." All eyes turned to a fidgeting Marvin, the barest hint of his blush visible under the lip of his mask. "Are you... completely naked?"

That was clearly something no one else had thought of, as all eyes turned to Anti again; wide with disbelief. The glitch poked his tongue out, arms crossing over his chest. "O̧f co͠urs̷e͡.̵ ͏Ho͝w̷ el̀se̵ would ye͝h ̡d̀o ̧it?"́

"Oh god." Chase tugged the brim of his hat down over his face.

"Mon dieu!" Jacques cried again, falling heavier into a flustered Jackieboy's arms.

"Zat is disgusting!" Schneep shouted, pulling a face.

Anti scowled, his expression darkening. "W͠e ͡all̀ h̀a͠ve̢ ̡t̴ha̷ sąme̢ b̨ody̨! ̛I͡t's͟ n̕o̵t̕ ̵g҉on̴na͘ ͞k҉i͏ll ̶yeh́! L͘o̵ók̶- ͢Rob̛bie'҉s eat̛in'̷ i̢t!"͜ He pointed to where the zombie was buried to his shoulders in the sweet confection, finally caving to his desires.

Suddenly, no one really seemed to mind. Chase pushed his hat back up with a sigh, turning to leave the kitchen. "Welp. Guess we're gonna go buy a cake. C'mon everybody, I think tha bakery down the street's still open."

"Yes, good, I second zis idea. Perhaps ve can even get zome dinner." Schneep was quick to follow Chase out, Marvin at his heels.

Jackieboy hefted Jacques up into his arms bridal-style. "Let's go, princess. Have fun with Robbie, Anti! Don't make anymore of a mess." He trailed after the other three, Jacques more than content to be carried as he blew the glitch a farewell kiss over Jackieboy's shoulder.

"Salut!"

"͞He҉y͝! Wait!͞ Y͘e̛ a͠r͞śe̴h͞o̸le̵s!͟ ̴C͢o͘m͡e ́bac͝ḱ h̴e̡r͘e! ̸Ye͝h͠ ̡c͘an't j̸ust͡ c͡h͏a̸nge̡ y̵er m͢in҉ds!́ H̸ȩy̷!" Anti gripped at the top layer of cake, glowering after their retreating forms. Figured, that's what he got for actually trying to "participate" and "help out." Ungrateful bastards. He huffed, shifting to rest his forearms on the cake instead, looking down to where his zombie companion was still happily eating away. "͞Well̨.̴ ͏L̶eas̷t ̷I'̕m͡ no҉t̷ ̴a͠l҉on͡e,̸ ̡I͡ g͜u̴e͜şs.̴ Th͠ìn͜k҉ ̶ye͘h̛ c̢an̴ ̧eat̛ ҉tha̸ w̧hole t̵hing҉, R͜obb̡i̵e?͜"

Robbie's head popped up from a different layer, his body positively coated in bright green frosting and a half-decayed grin on his pale face. "Cake!"

[simplymorganunedited-blog]

An Update: Self-Care, Smoothie Bowls, Extra Apples, and the Nut Situation.

Part One: My Day

Today was interesting. (But not.) I really hope the doctor clears me to go back to work when I see her tomorrow, cause as of currently I’m going stir-crazy with nothing to do. I find that having a ton of time on my hands, while being very beneficial for thinking and self-reflection, makes the temptation to binge so much stronger. That being said, I have enjoyed getting back in touch with literature (I’m currently devouring Margaret Atwood’s The Handmaid’s Tale) and it’s been nice to rest my mind and my body. 

Side Note: Not going to the gym is going to be a struggle for me, I can tell. I equate exercise with success, and feel such a crippling sense of failure LITERALLY every time I don't make it to the gym. Therefore, it’s been so difficult to tell myself, “Hey Morgs, it’s really bad for your heart. Like actually. Like it could fail. So cut it out.” Morgan has had to put her foot down on this one, much to the displeasure of Morgan’s Brain. 

Anyway, I have been spending my days working on my self-care journal. 

Update: It has been far less stressful than I had previously thought. I’ve learned a few things about myself while trying to get in touch with my “artsy fartsy” side. I’ve learned that I am far more creative than I give myself credit for. I’ve also learned that I am SUCH a perfectionist. Like, the kind of perfectionist that draws dotted lines with a ruler. The kind of perfectionist who has a panic attack cause she can’t draw a cartoon book, or forgets to write an “i” in the word “Compliment”...

Yeah, that’s how bad it is folks.

Perfectionism: Put that at the top of the list of things to discuss with my therapist.

Real Talk: It’s honestly so much worse than anything to do with food.

The “food thing” stems from the perfectionism. I’ve come to discover that about myself, in the past couple of weeks. I HAVE to have everything in my life absolutely perfect. A perfectly organized room, perfect decorations for my birthday party, perfect hair, perfect makeup, perfect Morgan. It doesn’t matter how much time, how much money, how much effort it costs me. It HAS to be perfect. 

What happens if it’s not perfect? 

I don't know. 

That’s what terrifies me. 

Extra Side Note: This post has gone a completely different direction than the “Extra Apple, Smoothie Bowl” situation, but I feel like this is more important so I’m just gonna roll with it. 

My dad came to see me the other day, and asked me about perfectionism.

I said, “Dad, I just have to be perfect.” 

He didn't understand. 

How could he?

How could I explain to him? 

How could I describe the warped way in which I view perfection. To my mind, to the sickness in my brain, bones equate perfection. To Morgan’s Brain, a skeletal body is the purest form of a human; so delicate, so fragile, so completely and utterly perfect in its frailty. 

Real Talk: Morgan is scared of this. 

Morgan is scared of this because she sees what Morgan’s Brain sees. She may not like it. She may know it’s wrong, that it’s unhealthy, but she still sees it. 

So how can she be happy? 

How can she be happy with herself, with the changes she’s going to have to make to her body, her “perfect” body, in order to reach a “naturally appropriate weight”?  (My dietician’s words)

How can I rewire my brain, to see the unhealthy side of bones, the skeletal figure that has everyone around me sick with worry, afraid for my wellbeing? 

How can I be happy with the change if, to my severely broken mind, this change will make me less than“perfect”?

Real Talk: Here in lies the problem with recovery. 

Realest Talk: I really wish I had the answer.

Hence, why perfectionism tops the list of things that require some serious mental deconstruction. 

Time to grab your hard hat Morgs.

See what I did there? 

ANYWAY. 

Back to my update. I’ll make it short and sweet. 

1. Self-Care Journals. Start them. They are so refreshing, so freeing and so wonderful for your own sense of self. Trust me on this one. 

2. Apple Pie Smoothie Bowls. Try them. Literally life-changing. You should also trust me on this one. (I’ve become something of a smoothie bowl expert as of late.)  

3. Extra Apples: I had an extra apple after dinner today. It wasn't included in my scheduled snack plan. I had an extra apple after dinner today, cause I was (wait for it..) HUNGRY. *Cue self-applause.

4. The Nut Situation... 

Morgan 1: Morgan’s Brain 0

[whiskeyworen]

At 3 AM

He sits and stares at the computer screen. The page in front of him is all but empty;  a few paltry words before his imagination, inspiration ran dry. There are good days, and there are bad days. On a good day, he can pump out most of a story, or at least the bare minimum to cement an idea, before things dry up again. Today...is not a good day.

"What are you doing?" He hears her ask, from over his shoulder. She's very close, but he can't feel her yet. Only her soft, silky voice drifting past his ear.

"I'm trying to write." His response is flat, tired. This is where it begins, again.

"I can see that, silly." There's a smirk in her voice, as she leans forward, over his shoulder. Too close. Always, too close. What would be pleasant from anyone else is claustrophobic and oppressive coming from her. She very well knows this, as she points mildly at the screen. "But I suppose my question is 'why'? Why do you insist on 'trying' to write?"

"...Because writing makes me feel good. It's one of the few places I can express myself," he tells her. He can already hear her comeback forming before she says it, because he knows it himself.

"Express yourself?" She titters, withdrawing her arm and letting it trail along his jaw back to his ear. It's a disconcerting sensation; a distraction. She feels warm, as she naturally should, but that touch, any touch, has a cold core in it. That coldness raises goosebumps. "You know that's a lie. You barely express yourself at all. Not in writing. Not in actions. Certainly not in public..."

"I still try." He grits his teeth.

"And for that effort, I applaud you." A slow, sarcastic clap next to his other ear, away from her voice. "How did that line go from that movie? 'It's so pathetic I forgot to laugh?'"

"The line is 'It'd be funny if it wasn't so pathetic.' " He sighs. She knows the line easily, but deliberately set him up again.

"That's right. It WOULD be funny." She moves in close again,wrapping her arms around his shoulders, making it hard for his hands to reach the keyboard yet again. A soft cheek rubs against his, a mocking parody of affection. "Tell me, what do you get out of writing beyond that?"

"People might...read my stuff. Enjoy it. Suggest it to friends to enjoy. Leave comments or contact me." He lies. He can feel her smile next to his face, all teeth, all sharp. Stepped in it again.

"Oh yes. I had forgotten. The thronging crowds desperate to read your material! The breathless comments extolling their love of your characters, of how you really connected with them." She giggles cruelly, reaching up to tap the tip of his nose with a nail. "Shall we go see the results of your efforts? There MUST be a thousand comments waiting for your perusal!"

"Please...no..."

"Here, I'll help." She picks his hands up by the wrist and uses them to change from the writing page to a website, to a views counter on the website. "There we go... Oh my! Look at that! Why, your oldest story JUST broke a hundred whole views! We should break out the champagne! Or at the very least the whiskey."

"Why do you always..."

"Because if I didn't, my dear, you'd actually start feeling like you had value." She replies nonchalantly, and points at another entry. "Look at all the comments! A whole... what's that say? How many is that, my dear?"

"...Zero. It says zero comments."

She makes a sound that sounds like an affirmation, as if it supports what she believes. "Zero. Comments. And that's on so many of your stories. Even the experimental artsy-fartsy ones you thought might get a passing interest! So successful, so inspiring that they literally had nothing to say..."

He closes that window before she can go on. "Just writing is enough."

Her voice comes sweet and thick next to his ear, a dark, swirling thing, like melted chocolate. Chocolate tainted by something sour.

"Liar."

She shifts around him, resting her chin on top of his head while covering his eyes with her hands. "Writing is never enough. It just temporarily scratches an itch. And so very fleetingly too. Reminds me of masturbation; all that effort for a few seconds of elation, and then that feeling of emptiness. And then all the guilt and shame flow into that gap."

"That's not true," he counters, reaching up to draw her hands away. She doesn't resist, but that's not the point.

"Really? Then let us compare you to your peers."  This time she uses her own fingers and rapidly opens window after window, each containing someone's page. "Well looky there. Each one of them is FAR more popular than you. I wonder why that is? Please, tell me, why are THEY so much better, hmm?"

He tries not to look but can't help it. Yeah, there it is plain as day. View counts in the thousands. Some of them in the ten thousands. Hundreds of comments from loyal fans, hundreds of others from random lurkers that stumbled upon a work and just HAD to post to it. A few times he sees his own name in the comments list.

"They are all artists. I'm a writer."

That affirming sound again. "They are all artists. They can spend their time drawing works of art that, in a moment of viewing, a mere second, can connect and speak with someone. You, however, work in words. Not good words at that, either. Just words. And no one wants to wade through pages of text to get the sense of a scene, when you can just draw it out in one shot." There's a ruffling, leathery sound; in her amusement she's fluttered her wings. "Doesn't matter how artfully you twist words, if they can't see the image you're painting in your head."

"I can't draw. I'm not skilled. You know that."

"Oh absolutely. Your drawings are mere chickenscratch compared to these. Must feel so degrading." There's a pause as she considers something. "Oh my. Look at that. This one did an art trade with someone else. Why don’t you do something like that? Hmm?” “Because. I. Can’t Draw.” He grinds the words out, hating the admission. “It’s kind of hard to offer an art trade when you have nothing worth trading of equal value.” “So you are finally learning your worth.” There’s such smugness in her tone. “Say, have you ever thought of commissioning one of these individuals? There must be SOMEONE out there who can turn your useless stories into a single image that will finally draw attention...to them, of course. Not to your work, I mean."

"....I don't have that kind of money to blow." He sighs, desperately wishing to look away. Any artwork he might have wanted done would be the high quality type, since basic black and white simply wouldn't work, but damn... he can't afford even a two-person image when the full color cost of those is half of his rent.

"Maybe if you drew something and sold it you could affor-- Oh right, you CAN'T...Quite the catch-22 there." Her laughter sets him on edge as she continues. “To get a picture, you need to sell a picture! To sell a picture, you need skill! To learn the skills you need the tools, and to get the tools you need money! And finally, to get the money, you need the picture!”

He sits there in silence while she laughs, fists clenching in pointless anger. Eventually, she recovers enough composure to sigh wistfully and get uncomfortably close, close enough that he can smell her skin and hair. Some part of him reflects that she smells both alluring and appalling at once, a contradiction that messes with him. She shakes her head and smiles. “Yet, here you are as a writer. It’s like being a wheel-less wagon on the side of the highway. Even if you could get out in the lanes, you just can’t move if you could move at all.”

An idea seems to occur to her, if he judges from the sudden tight grip she places on his shoulder. Her nails dig into his shoulder lightly; not enough to bleed, but just enough to be painful and reaffirm her position in their ‘relationship’. “I know! You’re a writer, right? I mean, you keep saying it. So have you thought about going into JOURNALISM?”

That word, that single word causes him to flinch more violently than her steel-trap grip on his arm. Every time he’s mentioned being a writer in the past, some do-gooder, wish-weller has always asked him if he was going into journalism, to be a ‘writer’ for a newspaper. It’s almost a poisonous word to him, and hearing it come from her lips with such venomous emphasis is nothing short of agony.

“Because I’m a creative writer.” He murmurs quietly, trying not to look at her as she circles around front of him. To get in his face, she pushes his chair back from the computer, removing him from the keyboard again, and pulls herself up onto his legs. With her elbows on his legs, she interlaces her fingers and rests her chin on the bridge, blinking at him as innocently as she can, pretending to be naive to his quandry. Once again, anyone else doing this would be cute or alluring. But there’s so much mockery in her gestures, her position, that it poisons the image entirely. “Creative writers aren’t needed in a newspaper. Anyone can be told what to write. Imagination isn’t needed or desired.” “Ah, but don’t newspapers PAY their writers?” she grins, as if it sounds entirely reasonable. “You’d actually be getting paid for doing this drivel! Then you could afford to pay for those silly pictures and such.” He hasn’t looked at her yet, but now his eyes flick down to meet hers. “That...isn’t me. I wouldn’t be writing what I want. I’d be writing what someone else wanted, when they wanted it.”

“Well, we can’t have that, now can we? I wouldn’t stand for anyone taking my place anyway.” She grouses at the thought, before moving to get up. As she leaves his view she pats him patronizingly on the head. "If only you were better with people. Made more friends."

"Yeah. If."

"We both know why that won't happen though." She kneels beside his chair, resting her head on the armrest, and on his arm that is sitting there. With dark reddish eyes she considers him. "You are a walking contradiction between everything you want, and what you actually are. You want friends, but can't trust anyone, not even me." She feigns a pout before continuing. "You want recognition, but hate advertising or ego-stroking yourself. You want love and companionship, but your defenses around that squishy, pasty heart of yours are so thick that for once, I actually agree with that Iron Within Iron Without philosophy you use to keep yourself from being hurt. No one can get in if you don't let them in."

He glances over at her, wary. "That's odd advice coming from you."

"It's not that I don't want to see you happy." She replies honestly, before smirking. "It's just that I won't LET you be happy. Every time you get close to it, every time you think you're moving ahead, growing, opening up, finally relaxing...I'll be there to draw you back, my dear."

"Why?"

"Because the sorrow of failed dreams and hopes is so much more potent the closer one gets to success. If I let you get within a hairsbreadth of feeling normal, of feeling loved, or appreciated, or confident, then the fall back will be that much farther and that much more devastating." She sighs and trails a finger up his arm before standing and walking behind him. Once again, she wraps her arms around his shoulders, removing his hands from the keyboard. "That said, I will never abandon you. I will never leave. You can't get rid of me, or banish me. I will always be with you."

He feels himself slowly chilling inside as her words sink in. "This is all to your benefit isn't it?"

"Not at all." She slides a hand down his chest, to his heart, feeling it beating under her palm. "There is no room in your life for anything that doesn't benefit me, though. So I will always try to distract you, distance you, confuse you. I will always whisper to you the doubts and fears, in such a way that you will never get rid of them. Every boon has a price. Every curse a benefit."

"But I am not without mercy. Your dreams, when you have them, will be a place where you will feel utterly at home, and content. You can and will be happy there. No fear, no second-guessing, no misjudgement or misunderstanding. No rancour. And I will be there. Haunting your dreams. I will make some of them scary, of course, to unsettle you more." She chuckles, and leans her head against his, her hair tickling his cheek. "We both know a good, vigorous nightmare livens things up. They are bad in the moment, but not afterward.  But others, I will give you that which you desire; actual love and companionship."

He doesn't reply, trying to pierce the veil around her words. There's something about them that doesn't fit. Good dreams? That sounds like a boon, but... She didn't say something. Yet.

"With me, you will experience all this, and, just when you feel most elated, most loved, most happy....I will wake you from the dream."

There it was. The price. The cost.

She giggles again, a throaty, seductive laugh. "You didn't think I'd actually let you get away with JUST a happy dream, did you? Weren't you listening?"

Leathery wings mantle around him, cocooning him from the neck down. That feeling of claustrophobia and anxiety rise as they wrap around him. With her hand on his heart, she feels his heart rate increase, the smile on her face broadening. She doesn't need to do anything more, just keep things like this for a while. Make him sweat, make him edgy. No more words necessary.

For a while they sit in silence, staring at the screen, the writing page he had open on it. Eventually she points at it. "Seems you got a fair bit of writing done."

She's right. There's pages of work written. He barely remembers doing any of it. In fact, he doesn't remember doing it at all, since she spent her time trying to keep his hands from the keyboard. "I guess."

Using the tip of a wing, she nudges the mouse over to the save icon, while giving him a tender kiss on the cheek. "I wonder....how will they all react to this?"

She then hits SAVE.