#'well have you tried Not Being Disabled' which is what you get whenever you talk about actual conditions

[scribefindegil]

I want you to know that your use of the word "curse" (to describe a circumstance that makes one's life difficult but that also might seem made-up to some—including, at times, oneself) is so cool and objectively correct, and it has made such a positive impact on my life. I really struggle to categorize my problems as Disability because my Bad Brain Disease (an ot3 of mental illness, chronic migraines, and attention disorders) is invisible and inconsistent; the line between "I can't" and "I won't" is uncertain even to me! However, the fact remains that I often have a hard time doing things other people find easy, for reasons I can't always explain. Sometimes, it might take me 20 years to finish a task, and people may start to wonder if I really want to get back to Ithaca at all, but I do!! The freaking ocean just hates me!!!

The ocean just hates you!!!!

Yeah, the 'curse' framework was especially helpful to me in the days before I had a diagnosis or doctors who would take me seriously and was just like "well clearly SOMETHING is wrong with me but all the tests are normal so. Curse." Disability can be a very fraught concept; it's really easy to get caught up in thought spirals about whether you're 'allowed' to use the word or identify that way (or if you even want to), and also people can be So Weird about it, and it's helped me a lot to have a framework that's just. Separate from that. Maybe it's kind of silly, but it doesn't have any of the baggage that more specific/medical terms do. Also maybe I want to feel like a cool fantasy character!

Glad it's been helpful to you also 💜 So many curses in the world, but we do our best to weather them.

[imjusthopelessenough]

Sterek Rec List

I've been reading fanfiction for a long time and so I've finally decided to make use of my skills and rec all of the fics that I would recommend anyone that considers themselves a fan of the ship to read. I feel like there's something here for everyone, so peruse at your leisure! If you liked a fic, make sure to leave kudos and comments for the author! (Feel free to come and chat about it with me as well!)

Obligatory disclaimer: Just because I read a certain trope, or idea does not mean that I agree with it or align my values with it. Read at your own discretion.

Don't Speak - Fatale 68k multi-chaptered

Summary:

The Alpha pack has systematically attacked Stiles and his friends for months, testing their strengths and weaknesses. When one of the Alphas goes after Stiles, he awakens in the hospital and realizes that something's wrong. Very wrong. All sounds seem to hurt him, he can't understand what anyone is saying, and when he tries to speak, it's gibberish. How is he supposed to deal with the fact that he's lost the ability to communicate with his dad and his friends? Without his ability to talk, his sarcasm, and his wit, what does Stiles even have left? Enter Derek, the only one who seems to make it better.

oh my god. Saying I love this fic is an understatement. I would recommend this to anyone, regardless of if they've watched the hellscape that is Teen Wolf. It's absolutely beautifully written and I feel like it's one of the rare fanfiction pieces that accurately represents a disability as well as hospital procedures. Not once did I get the feeling of "He would not fucking say that." Since stumbling across this I've read it multiple times, I truly cannot say a single bad thing about it. If you like a fic that is pure Stiles Whump but still keeps that "I have to keep fighting" vibe, this is a must read.

2. Home - TheTypeWriterGirl 167k multi-chaptered

Summary:

January seventh. Seven days since the start of 2015, and seven days since his father’s death. The bastard, he thinks bitterly. The past year Derek Hale had made it blatantly obvious that he hated his scrawny guts, taking every given opportunity to shove him up against a wall, growl threats in his ears and roll his eyes whenever he stepped into the room, muttering some snide comment about how spastic or idiotic he was. So why did he fucking volunteer to take him in?

Home, my beloved. I love this fic so much. Such an accurate description of what it's like to be grieving and how PTSD can manifest. I typically stray away from fics that involve character deaths like this because it can feel really pointless and is really only a means in which to get two people in a room fucking. This is not that. The sheriff dying not only serves as the major plot point of the entire fic it drives the narrative. We also get to explore Derek's trauma and how it coincides with what Stiles is going through. An added bonus, there's art for every chapter and it is beautifully done and really helps encapsulate you into what's going on. You can tell that the author went back and forth with what they wrote and what they drew to match the details. If you're looking for a weekend read that includes nothing but domestic activities and little to no werewolf fighting action with very lore accurate characters, this is for you!

3. To Have Outlived the Night - stillane 23k one-shot

Summary:

Derek steps away from the window. “You helped me. They took that as a declaration.”

I'm frothing at the mouth and eating glass for this one. I love this fic so much. Since the summary doesn't really list out what's going on let me tell you. There are multiple hunter families in town and they've got their eyes on the prize for Alpha Derek. Stiles and Derek are at their "I hate you but I guess I'll save your life," phases. They bond over being nerds, being in a fake-relationship, and categorizing the hunter families. The ending is also so funny I cackled the first time I read it no joke. If you're looking for fake (but really not) relationship and forced bonding time this is the one for you!

4. Stilinski's Home for Wayward Wolves - owlpostagain 35k, one-shot

Summary:

“At least your puppies knock first,” Stiles snorts. “Here I thought their alpha raised them to be well-mannered.” “There’s a sign,” Derek responds stiffly. Stiles, whose curiosity outweighs even his hardest of grudges, abandons his chilly façade of nonchalance in a heartbeat. He jumps right up and all but pushes Derek out of the way in his effort to get to the window, and sure enough when he leans outside there’s a laminated strip of cardstock duct taped to the vinyl siding: DON’T FORGET TO KNOCK Stiles gets cranky when we scare him --- Or, in which Stiles Stilinski moves to Beacon Hills for his junior year of high school and accidentally adopts a pack of teenage werewolves.

To start, anything that Owlpostagain writes is amazing and should be read, regardless of if you enjoy that fandom. I love them, and you will probably see their fics recced somewhere in this list again or in a different list. This is a what-if situation of what if Stiles didn't grow up with Scott. It's a nice medium length and is a mostly just really fun lighthearted read with pack feels. Also Scott is actually a good friend (mostly) Good for someone looking for something to kill a few hours that wants pack feels, Derek being treasured, and Stiles being an essential part of the pack.

5. Night Owls Early Birds - Lissadiane 24k one-shot (but part 1 in a series!)

Summary:

Confession: Stiles is afraid of having magic. The Spark had been cool. It had been small, manageable. He could do some funky stuff with Mountain Ash, all with the power of belief. And now here he is, his Spark blown wide open, apparently coming down with a fatal case of magical overload, and all that stands between him and bleeding out is a grumpy owl that looks suspiciously like a feathered version of Derek Hale. (In which Stiles learns he's a witch, but instead of a wand and a trip to Diagon Alley, he gets blood magic, a grumpy and reluctant owl as his companion, and an accidental blood bond with Derek Hale.)

I have a big thing for witch Stiles. Like a massive thing. I also have a big thing for whump Stiles who is also a bamf. If you also love these things you need to read this! However, you should definitely read the notes on this fic before reading, as there's a lot of gory details. I also love the way Derek is portrayed in this, and everything feels very in character. The owl is a bonus character and should be cherished. If you're looking for a fic that is high-action, worried Derek, BAMF stiles, you should read this!

6. Somewhere to Start - Lissadiane 33k one shot (but part 1 in a series!)

Summary:

Stiles has always known that he isn't quite human - the plant life that tends to sprout around him whenever he gets upset or excited gives it away. He's never really fit in among the regular people in Beacon Hills and is determined to wait it out, go to college, and find somewhere to belong. He's forced to abandon those plans, however, after he desperately agrees to enter into an arranged marriage to save his father's life. An arranged marriage with an angry, sometimes furry dude with trust issues. It's all very Beauty and the Beast, without the singing candlesticks.

Another Lissadiane piece because like I stated earlier, I love whump witch Stiles, it's my number one trope for this fandom. I have to say, the summary doesn't do this fic justice. If you're looking for a fic to read to kill a few hours that is very fast action paced that still keeps on the more lighthearted side, this ones for you!

7. Integral to Survival - placeholdr 8k one shot (must have ao3 to read)

Summary:

Derek is in the cell for about ten minutes before the lone door opens and a new body is tossed in. The person hits the floor with a grunt, rolls, and stands as the door is clanging shut. “That’s really not the way to treat a guest!”

You'll notice that this is another whump Stiles fic with Derek being protective and getting his ass beat for it. I plead the fifth. I love the dynamics in this fic and find that most of the character interactions are well-written. If you're looking for a short read that is basically just Stiles and Derek getting their asses beat and recuperating, this is one for you!

8. We've Written Volumes (in Blood and Scars and Ink) - notthequiettype 25k one-shot (Must have ao3 to read)

Summary:

Stiles is on his back on hard-packed dirt. He's cold and there are leaves stuck to his neck and there's a four inch gash in his side that he thinks he can feel his ribs through. There's so much blood around him he feels like he's floating on a pond and everything is so much dimmer above him than it was a minute ago, which is saying something because he's in the dark center of the forest in the middle of the night. And the worst of it is that he's alone, totally alone with the smell of his own blood drowning him and the soft side of him run through by a tree. As his eyes slip shut, the last thing he thinks is, "This is going to kill my dad."

Another Stiles whump who could have guessed! Nah but for real I love this fic, it's very cute and I enjoy the character dynamics between Stiles and Derek here. To truly summarize this fic, Stiles keeps getting in minor injuries and Derek shakes his head and does his mojo thing while pretending to be annoyed. Also, Derek makes annotations on Stiles' incorrect lore. It's very cute. If you're looking for a fic to occupy an hour or two that includes forced bonding and fondly annoyed Derek, look no further!

9. Glazed and Confused - wishingonalightningbolt 13k one-shot

Summary:

or, In Which Love is More Important than Donuts. Stiles is a forensic tech with the San Diego FBI. He thinks he's been fairly lucky, since he's never had his life threatened, sustained few injuries, and only has to work with his least favorite agent every once in a while. And then all of that changes.

Standoffish FBI Derek with super smart lab boy Stiles, sign me up babey!! This is another one of my favorite tropes and it's a shame that there aren't more well-written ones out there. To summarize this fic, Derek and Stiles are coworkers in a crime lab like that one CSI show. Stiles is the goth chick, and Derek is the white haired DILF. If you're looking for a cute short AU read that still keeps the character's personalities, read this! (Side note, TW for preg loss it's not mentioned in the tags because it's a very minor short thing that's literally 2 sentences)

10. Untamed - rosepetals42 28k one shot

Summary:

Of course, the transfer kid gets mentioned because transfers are rare, but the news isn’t that exciting. In fact, according to Laura, no one even seems to know his first name. The only thing anyone has really figured out about him is that he’s American. And that’s not exactly hard because he obviously has an accent. The only thing Derek really knows is that, despite other reports, he seems quiet enough, prefers to work alone, and has the most amazing shade of amber eyes that Derek has ever seen. Not that he’s looking. Obviously. OR: A Harry Potter AU where Stiles is a Slytherin transfer student and Derek is the grumpy Gryffindor who falls in love with him. There are also potions, elves, and falcons involved. Oh, and illegal use of magic. Obviously.

This is one of those rare Sterek fics where Derek is not an asshole and Stiles is not somebody that just yaps and yaps for no reason but it's still in character! Plus HP AU! Obligatory fuck JK Rowling. The essentials of this fic are that Derek is a nerd, Stiles is a genius and homesick, and Derek's family are all here! This is a good read for if you're wanting a meet-cute that still follows all of the logic of how the characters interact with one another.

[thegrinningghost]

My Oh My Mentality : Transformers Comfort Headcanons

Prompt: headcanons for how different Cybertronians would help someone with a different mental illness/in an emotional state

Characters: Bumblebee, Wheeljack, Evac (Transformers Ride), Brainstorm, Starscream, Soundwave (+Shockwave Cameo)

—

Bumblebee

Selective Mutism : an anxiety disorder in which a person who is otherwise capable of speech becomes unable to speak when exposed to specific situations, specific places, or to specific people, one or multiple of which serve as triggers. This is caused by the freeze response

Having lost his voice before, let’s just say the Bee knows how it feels to want to talk but being unable to

He’s just glad that you can talk most of the time

Whenever you get stressed out, he picks you up and walks out with you on his shoulder

Usually you guys head out of the city, whether he’s driving you out of there or walking out

Music is his go-to to calm himself down, but he won’t blast it around you

His playlist has become yours with some edits

Once you guys are out of most bots’ reaches, he sets you down lets you be

You’ll talk when you’re ready

And when you do, he’ll make sure to enthusiastically listen and congratulate you

That takes some serious strength!

Of course, until then, you can do whatever you want

Want more music? On it.

Want to adventure somewhere or simply move around? Cool!

Want to just have someone to hug or something to touch? He’s ready for you.

Bee just really wants to care for you and make sure that no matter what, you know he’ll be there to listen

In the few times where Decepticons have found you two, he immediately fights them off

With you far away somewhere safe, of course

If an Autobot finds you guys, he usually lets them be, but if they try to talk to you, he’ll beep them off

Out of all the bots, he really adores humans, and will do anything to care for you all

And if this is one of those ways to show his support?

Well, he’ll give all the love he can

Wheeljack

Learning Disability : a disability that affects the acquisition of knowledge or skills, in particular any of various neurodevelopmental conditions affecting the learning and use of specific academic skills such as reading, writing, or mathematics

He’s heard that noise before

That frustrated, about to breakdown or destroy something sort-of-noise

But unlike Ratchet, there’s not much you can exactly destroy in a place built for giant, alien robots

But that doesn’t mean you can’t have a breakdown

Obviously he’ll ask what’s wrong, but when you tell him, he’s going to be awfully confused

What do you mean you don’t understand?

Out of all the humans he’s interacted with, they’ve all been able to understand in at least some way shape or form, even if it wasn’t easy or not something they enjoy

But you’re different

And curse this curious, bastardly robot, but he’ll drop any important thing he’s doing to learn more

Trying to save another bot’s life? Not as important as learning about humans

Whether you have Dyspraxia, Dyslexia, Dysgraphia or Dyscalculia, he’s going to try to help you

After listening, of course

He’ll probably just end up doing whatever you’re trying to do for you, but that’s only so you can get to sleep

Staying up all night, he’s making gadgets for you to try in the morning

Very much proud father whenever you make some step towards progress (dad two reference???)

Albeit, he is a bit disappointed when nothing he makes helps, and while he knows he can’t do much to help, he still really tries to

When you start beating yourself up for being different and “stupid” or “illiterate,” he’ll shut you down

Wheeljack has lived long enough to see how that can affect a bot’s processing of themself and others

For humans, he doesn’t want to know how worse it might be

When you try to dismiss him, his anger immediately flares

He hides whatever you’re working on somewhere you won’t be able to reach it (probably somewhere high)

Then he tells the bots to take you somewhere

Bee will take you to the beach

Optimus will take you for a drive

Ratchet will let you continue working, but monitor you to stop those thoughts or help you relax when you start stressing out (don’t tell Wheeljack)

If no one is able to take you somewhere, he’ll take you out for a drive to wherever you feel like

And he’ll just let you rant

He figures you need it, and if you let him, he’ll give his input, too

While he doesn’t exactly get your struggles, he’s incredibly willing to learn

And hey, curiosity hasn’t killed this cat! (yet)

Evac

Social Anxiety : an intense, persistent fear of being watched and judged by others

Being tasked with evacuating the All Spark isn’t an easy job

And while Evac has gotten used to feeling the constant judgment of everyone around him, it still bothers him

When he found out you experienced something similar, it was a joyous surprise

Even better when he finds out it has a name

You two are incredibly socially anxious, and while you have your suspisions on which bots also were, it’s clear that years of war have made it the least possible threatening thing to them

Evac, however, has not faced centuries of war

Neither have you

So you’re in it together

After every mission Evac goes on, he always comes to find you

The Autobots stress him out, so before they can find him to congratulate him, he comes to you to practice talking and manage his breathing

When you get stressed out, you find him

Like I said, you’re in it together

You two memorize what causes the other anxiety attacks so you can better help and comfort them when they’re going through it

You guys even prepare things to help!

Blankets, hugs, fidget toys, etc.[

You each have your favorite haptics

The dynamic you two share is best described as a symbiotic relationship

You help each other in the best ways you can, and honestly

I don’t imagine either of you would have it any other way

Brainstorm

Nervous / Mental Breakdown : a state of severe emotional and mental distress that significantly impairs a person's daily functioning

As a constant overthinker, he gets it

Sometimes you just can’t stop thinking

And while the reaction for him is his systems overheating, your reaction is much more different

Truly, seeing a tiny creature usually full of energy, spunk, and many ideas suddenly get so overwhelmed is weird

You start shaking, maybe crying or holding your head

Throwaway comments are made about wishing to be back in the era where you would’ve been given a autopsy

Brainstorm doesn’t know what that is, but he really doesn’t like the sound of it

When you try to stand to go for somewhere to lay down or curl up and cry, he picks you up

Leaving is not an option

He’ll carry you to the lab (or a desk if you’re already there)

You’ll get all set up with blankets, stuffed animals and ways to communicate with him that don’t force you into being verbal

If you need something else, he’ll get you it, but otherwise he’ll just let you talk or sit in silence while he works

Sometimes other bots walk in

Perceptor usually offers a sort of gentle pat to you

Starscream and his trine immediately leave

Sometimes they come back with random items – like cats coming back with dead crickets, mice or gophers, though that isn’t usually what they bring

Megatron rarely walks in, but on the rare occasion he does, Brainstorm throws something at him

Not really with bad intentions, but more so just to make you laugh

He figures a distraction will help, and bonus points if it’s funny

Though being hit by some random, possibly toxic or mutilated object has made Megatron steer clear

Overall, Brainstorm will always try to help a fellow overthinker

It’s the least he can do while you spend your time on a ship full of giant killer robots

Starscream

PTSD : a mental health condition that's caused by an extremely stressful or terrifying event; post traumatic stress disorder

Let’s be honest here, he’s not fond of you

In fact, he may never be!

… but this may very well have pushed him closer to empathy towards you than he wanted or suspected

Starscream knows PTSD like the back of his hand

So when you start getting flashbacks, he starts shoving people out of the room

Doesn’t matter if it’s Megatron’s throne room, the lab, or the hallway, it won’t be anymore

Once everyone is out and away, and he’s sure none of them are listening in or spying on him, he’s right down next to you

He won’t be too confident at first, as he’s never done this before, but soon enough, he’ll get that fixed

Afterall, how can you believe a king someone when they aren’t confident in what they’re saying?

After reminding you that it’s all just a flashback, he moves to try to ground you

Well, he doesn’t move at all, but he does quietly guide you towards something you can hold, touch, or hug

Which, sometimes, ends up being him

He seems to hate it, but he gets over it eventually

Star will make sure to audibly vent in the hopes that you’ll follow with your own breathing, no matter how shaky

It isn’t all the time, but after so many times of it happening, he’ll warm up to you enough to crack jokes

They’re really bad, but if it gets a sob-mixed laugh from you, that’s something!

You two will be sitting for a while, and it’ll be pretty nice

Though, he does scold you when you’re feeling better

It’s mostly to retain his status as a fearsome Decepticon, though he also really means it

You scared him when you started going through that

Like I said, when he starts getting more comfortable around you, he’ll open up about his PTSD, too

This causes you guys to plan flights and other activities

Sometimes you convince him to invite the other members of the High Guard so you all can talk, but most of the time you guys go by yourselves

Really, it doesn’t matter what happens afterwards

What matters, is that you have managed to get the scheming, power-hungry Starscream to begin to open up and be kind again

Soundwave

Sensory Overload / Overstimulation : a state where the brain is overwhelmed by excessive sensory input from one or more of the five senses: sight, hearing, touch, taste, and smell

You wouldn’t expect he’d be the best at this sort of thing, considering he processes lots of information on a constant basis

But he does understand

Sort of

Downloading so much data can drain him far too much

Once he passed out while Starscream and his trine were reporting to Megatron

It was a whole deal he doesn’t want to recount

But the point is that he gets how you feel

Nobody on the ship is exactly observant, him and Shockwave especially

They aren’t oblivious though, and no matter who realizes first, they’ll take immediate action

Most of the time it’s Soundwave who leads you out of the room

Taking you to one of their berth rooms, he’ll lower the lights upon entering

He’ll usually launch Ravage and Laserbeak to stay with you as they can have some pretty funky textures

You’ll be left alone until him or Shockwave is done with work, but until then, they’ll send anyone who comes to bother them to you

Mostly just to check in on you and bring you something

Just because they are violent, doesn’t mean they aren’t understanding

In fact, the Decepticons are a large community of very understanding and empathetic individuals, it’s just that years of war has made that side darker and torn

Light hasn’t reached that flower in far too long

Eventually, whoever is done with work first will come sit in the same room with you, and the other will join later

If you need to cry or hug them, they’ll allow it

Sometimes they walk in to find Laserbeak and Ravage cuddled close to you and you fast asleep

No matter the cause or the outcome, you can put faith in them for giving you a place to get away from the world when it becomes too much

Your care will never be too much for them

[l0ve-bug-m1les]

Miles Morales x Male reader

When the reader has dyslexia and has trouble with spelling certain words or just forget how to spell the most simplest words ever gets insecure about their learning disability and then falls into a depressive episode (which is just them distancing themselves from other (Miles) for weeks)

First off please let me know if i got some things wrong. I myself don’t have dyslexia, so please correct me on anything. And I hope you’re okay if you’re feeling this way. Sending love and Miles Morales your way! <33 But seriously if you need to talk I’m here, okay? I hope you enjoy!

————

Distence Distance

Miles Morales x Male!Reader

Summary: When it has once again been made apparent spelling isn’t your strong suit, your mind spirals out of your own control.

Warnings: Swearing

Your brow furrowed. Is it tom—orrow? Or tom—morrow? This shouldn’t be this hard. It’s a word. A simple word. But despite your best efforts, you can’t get it. Defeated, you lean over and quietly tap your finger Miles’ arm. He knows about your dyslexia, and helps you whenever things get a little tough. He’s never made fun of you, and has never acted like he was annoyed with you asking him how to spell things. This is quite a common occurrence, but recently, nothing seems to click. It can go from constantly spelling a word wrong, to forgetting how to spell completely. Miles tells you all the time to not worry about it, but what does he know! He doesn’t ask his boyfriend how to spell tomorrow every night!

"Hm? Oh, what’s up?” He looks at you, finishing whatever word he was writing. Your finger drags over to the roadblock on your paper as you mumble a small “Is this right?” Miles takes a look at your paper for a moment before softly shaking his head. “Ah, no, there’s only one m,” your shoulders slump, “but—uh—everything else was right!” His hands wave a little bit, trying to cheer you up. His eyes dart over you, searching for a reaction. A breath escapes your lips as you quietly thank him.

———

A few weeks later, Miles is proofreading your science paper. He’s got a red pen, and is occasionally writing his thoughts or correcting something. That’s to be expected, essays are about trial and error so of course it’s not gonna be perfect on the first try. What you don’t expect, is to find the pages covered with spelling corrections. You can’t even keep up with how many there are on the first page. As you look through, all you can see is what you got wrong. “Replace the i with an e”, “Erosion has one r”, “Con-VEC-tion, there’s a c”, “Don’t forget the—“. You quietly stop reading and get up to grab your things. Your thoughts are cloudy, even as Miles pulls you into a warm embrace to hopefully soothe your anguish. It doesn’t help.

“I gotta go,” you push away, “see you tomorrow..” Your feet lazily carry you out of his dorm room. Miles doesn’t protest. He knows sometimes being practically slapped with how much your disability affects you, doesn’t do you well. So he lets you go, knowing he’d see you tomorrow.

He couldn’t be anymore wrong.

———

Well he wasn’t entirely wrong. He did see you, but you had no intention to see him. Every glance he threw your way went unnoticed. Every time he tried to speak, your headphones went in. He saw your smile wasn’t there, and your usual glow was gone. All of these things worried Miles but he didn’t know what to do. His thoughts were focused around you for the whole day, and how he could help. In the end, he decided it’d be best if he just texted you. Maybe you just didn’t want to speak in person because of yesterday.

Yeah, that’s it. He’ll text you, comfort you, come over to your dorm, and cuddle and comfort you some more. A foolproof plan! Now all that’s left is to get through today.

———

You don’t respond to the first text.

You don’t respond to the second text.

You don’t respond to the third text.

You don’t read any of them. And he knows your read receipts are on.

Miles is frantic now. Where could you have gone? He knows you’d tell him if you were gonna be busy, and he knows he’d catch any signs of you thinking about….No. He wouldn’t let himself think about it. Maybe you just needed some space. It’s normal for a relationship, especially one as new as this. He decided to give it a day or two.

You’d come around eventually.

———

You didn’t come around.

It had been two weeks and Miles still hasn’t heard from you. You were still coming to school, but you arrived before everyone else, and somehow managed to get out before everyone left. If he tried to call you, it’d cut off immediately. If he texted you, it would stay on delivered—read if he was lucky—and if he tried to get into your room, you wouldn’t open the door. Even if your roommate was there, he’d always say: “Oh, [name]? Yeah he’s not here. Sorry.” Then the door would shut. Every day Miles tried. And every day Miles failed.

He’d spend his nights racking his brain for any clue, and reason for you to go a-wall like this. It’s not like you. Whenever something’s troubling you, he’d be the first to hear about it. For the millionth time, he tries to call your phone. And for the millionth time, you pick up. Just like he thought—

Wait what.

Miles sits up and hears quiet sobs on the other end. “H-hello? [Name]? Please answer me.” After a quiet moment you speak up. “Mhm?” Your voice is weak on the other end, but nonetheless, it’s your voice. Miles jumps out of his bed, already putting on a jacket and shoes. “Are you still in the dorms? Where are you?” He opens the window, waving to Ganke who’s woken up. “Please, love.”

“The park. The one we always go to.” Your voice is hoarse and hiccups are breaking through. “Alright. I’ll be there. Wait for me, okay?” He hops out the window and swings through the streets, keeping you on the line. At this point in time, Miles is a great swinger and has almost perfected the art. But tonight, he’s going faster than he’s ever gone before. Faster than his common sense would normally let him go. Even when making an escape, he’s careful to watch his speed just in case. Not tonight though. This is you. He’d risk everything for you.

In a matter of minutes, he’s at the park already looking for you. “[Name]? I’m here,” his eyes dart in every direction, “where exactly are you?” He jogs over to a nearby tree, catching a glimpse of a light from a phone screen. You’re silent for a few more moments as you can tell he’s the cause of those footsteps coming in your direction. So you just keep scrolling on your phone. Miles catches up to you, and before a word can be said, he’s fallen to the ground and pulled you into a hug. Possibly the tightest he’s ever hugged someone. And that’s the crack that sends the dam crumbling.

You break down and sob into his shoulder, clawing the fabric at his sides. The world no longer exists and it’s just you and him. You and the person who cares about you. You and the person who came for you. Miles’ grip tightens around your shoulders as stray tears escape his own eyes. “What happened? Why were you gone for so long?” He asks.

“I was tired of being stupid,” you manage to get out, “tired of being a burden.”

“A burden?!” Miles pulls away and cups your cheeks. “Now who told you that?”

“Don’t you understand, Miles?!” You shout. “I’m probably the dumbest person on this planet!!” He starts to object but you cut him off, “And don’t give me that “Oh but it makes you, you!” Bullshit.” You stand up and begin to pace around. “You can’t possibly wanna deal with me!” Your breath quickens and tears are still falling. “Couldn’t-couldn’t possibly wanna actually spend your life dealing with some who can’t spell for shit. Who’s always asking if he spelled—fucking i don’t know—Wednesday right.” You finally stop and stand in one place, hugging yourself tight. “I fucking hate it.”

Miles makes his way to you and pulls you into another hug. He doesn’t try to convince you otherwise because this isn’t the time. It’s time for you to let it all out, and for him to listen for as long as you need him to. He’s got you back and that’s all he needed. And right now you don’t know, but you needed him just as much if not more.

You two stay in the park and talk for what feels like hours. After two weeks of radio silence you’ve got a lot to say, and best believe your boyfriend is gonna take note of all of it.

🌸~~🌸 🌸~~🌸 🌸~~🌸

A/n: OMG HOLY SHIT WHY DID THIS TAKE SO LONG OMG. @babyqueen17 HERE YOU GO IT’S DONE!!!

[vergess]

A work friend of mine's daughter has recently developed (?) schizophrenia. He seems to like my advice in general, and in particular thinks I gave him helpful advice about handling traumatic experiences he's had, and so talks to me about this a lot. I've tried to give advice along the lines of prioritizing her comfort/well-being/calmness over her "connection to reality" (his words), like not picking arguments over things she says in pursuit of correcting her, similar to taking care of someone with dementia.

Do you have any points I can focus on or resources I can look up to support him and by extension his daughter better? I'm not very familiar with the subject but do know that in looking this up I'm wading through a lot of stuff that's not very supported or with the schizophrenic person's well being and agency in mind.

You're exactly right about the comparison to dementia. Although not nearly as severe an illness, schizophrenia is one of those "redirect not reinforce" conditions.

So, one of the big things you can suggest, especially while the person is in the early period of onset (which can happen over the course of a year at any age, but usually between 20 and 30), is try to help them make plans for the future. Which sounds big and scary, but it mostly consists of honestly going through with them to make lists of the things they enjoy, the things that stress them out, etc. Because there is going to come a time, and it's sooner than anyone wants, where remembering what she finds relaxing will become impossible on her own (at least, during periods of high stress; she may always be able to self regulate in normal conditions).

Schizophrenia often makes people feel deeply afraid and out of control of their own thoughts, which is really scary!!

But your friend's daughter is likely still able to remember what things she enjoyed before the onset of her illness. Whenever she gets too wound up in a fearful delusion, rather than trying to combat the delusion, I suggest redirecting her to one of the things she enjoys, whatever that may be. A hobby, a movie, etc.

It's important that the idea for the redirection initially come from the schizophrenic person themself. This way, you can honestly say, "hey, remember when you said you like X, why don't we try some X together," and it be something reaffirming to the person's sense of control rather than fighting it.

Of course, if the delusion isn't fearful/scary/stressful, the best thing to do is to accept that it is her genuine reality right now, and just work around that belief. No need to start a fight and make it stressful.

Another thing is, and this is MUCH more controversial in the west but I'll go ahead and say it. Another thing is, if the daughter's voices are friendly or kind, to support her engaging with them (if she so chooses). This way if/when her voices become mean she can choose to "disengage" with them as a conscious change. In practical terms, this means if his daughter is ever having conversations with her voices that seem to be in good spirits, to treat that more like she is talking on the phone with someone you don't know, than to treat it as a scary hallucination.

Then, if the voices ever get mean, she can "give them the silent treatment" to help establish a sense of control over them and help her feel like she doesn't have to listen to them.

In a way, it can be good to conceptualize her voices as "influential strangers" and just encourage her to listen to good influences and ignore bad ones.

Finally, depending on where the daughter lives and her support needs, it might be good to get her registered with the healthcare service in your area sooner than later. In the US, a young person with schizophrenia automatically qualifies for medicaid and can also qualify for disability. Both will need to be applied for, and the application process is a byzantine mess.

Especially regarding disability, it is best to hire a lawyer to make your application (they will be paid out of your benefits not your pocket).

As such, if your coworker's daughter is unlikely to be able to live entirely on her own, including job, hygiene, travel, etc it's a good idea to get there registrations started ASAP. That way if the coworker ever becomes sick or when he eventually dies, etc the daughter can be supported.

If the daughter has low support needs and is likely to be able to live on her own (which can and does happen sometimes!! Even with schizophrenia), one of the biggest challenges she's going to face in the long term is going to the doctor.

Not only are doctors deeply, deeply scary to the mentally ill in the west (for good reason!), which makes doctors a prime target for delusions of fear and abuse. But also delusional thinking can interfere with a person's ability to identify their own body sensations.

EG, it is very common for schizophrenics to "be really angry and not know why" and it turns out it's because they have a UTI but couldn't feel it due to delusions. In fact, it's so common that one of the first things we do at work when a client is very upset like that, is ask them if they have been peeing more often (the answer is usually 'yes').

A huge part of the reason people with schizophrenia die young is the inability to tell when they are sick, followed by feeling unsafe going to the doctor.

Ultimately, the biggest thing to remember is that no matter how stressed or scared you are as a carer, the person with the illness is just as of more stressed. They aren't fighting you, they're fighting terror. Remembering that can make the intense demands of caring for someone with higher support needs less draining.

The second biggest thing is to remember to take time for yourself, because if you burn out as a carer, then you've left your kid without support for potentially months or years, and that's pretty bad compared to having them go to a fun adult program like a summer camp every day for a month while you recover.

Finally: there are more programs for schizophrenia support than you think. Even in my rural bumfuck town of 3000, we have two (2) different programs, including a year round day program that operates 5 days a week and takes walk ins.

Your coworker does not have to take care of his daughter alone. Support exists.

[asthedeathoflight]

the extended Deaf staging post. under a cut cause um. oh boy. I got a little carried away.

First of all wanted to preserve @subwaylesbians 's tags about Deaf Swan for posterity:

#secondly! okay okay SO#teen swan#already sleeping rough#taking a bad blow to the head in a fight and coming out of it with sensorineural hearing damage#and you know that girl is not getting medical attention. so she just tries her best to adjust#to how it makes the isolation worse and threats harder to clock#cleon taking note of the scrappy kid sleeping under the boardwalk and sending cochise down to investigate. except the kid doesn’t notice her#coming until cochise has a hand on her shoulder. predictably this does not end well#obviously swan doesn’t win the fight - if you can even call it one - but cochise does come home with a split lip. at this point cleon#is definitely interested. so she goes down herself. this time swan sees her coming - barely - and she’s trying to talk her down from another#escape attempt when she realises the kid is desperately trying to read her lips. and so she tries signing. obviously swan doesn’t know#any ASL yet. but it’s enough for swan to realise that cleon’s Deaf. and the first moment in which she thinks that maybe she should trust#this woman#cleon teaching her ASL. and just being so proud to be capital D Deaf that it rubs off a little. and swan holds her head a bit higher#(also future swan teaching mercy. only to find out she’s been bullying the other vaguely-competent ASL users in the crew#into#also giving her lessons while swan’s back is turned. it’s 80% out of love for her girlfriend and 20% out of hating to miss the shit-talking.#she learns pretty quick)

I think Swan having acquired hearing loss is super interesting! Becoming disabled while she's out on her own would be super scary and isolating and she probably wouldn't have any sort of resources to learn ASL or anything. She'd probably be trying so hard to hide it too bc she thinks it makes her a liability to have on a crew. Also love Mercy getting the others to tutor her in ASL that's very sweet! Also kind of heartbreaking because to me the two hearing Warriors who were best at ASL were Fox and Ajax so whenever Mercy asks Cochise or Cowgirl a question about it they feel that little pang of loss.

Okay so for MY thoughts about this whole matter.

In terms of like fanfiction land I think Cleon is Deaf but she can talk so people don't always know. Despite being able to assimilate tho she's very invested in Deaf culture and disability advocacy. I'm not sure what the state of Deaf education was like in New York in the 70s but I think Cleon would like organize community ASL classes and stuff like that. Her and Ajax are childhood best friends in this au. to me.

Rembrandt's parents are both Deaf and they have a very like pearl-clutching Toph Beifong's parent's attitude towards her being in a gang even though shes like MOM 🙄 they're literally a Deaf gang. I think in this au she runs with the Warriors less out of like economic suppression and more because like her opportunities in life are kind of limited from being Deaf and queer so she'd rather hang out with the Warriors. Rembrandt can't talk but also like she's never wanted to learn to talk 'cause fuck hearing people. She doesn't have anything to say to them. New Warriors who didn't already know ASL are always really surprised by her because she seems pretty quiet and shy but then as they pick up ASL they realize she's always shit-talking everyone in the background. Real "they didn't know I knew their language" moments with her.

Okay but in addition to fanfiction land there is also hypothetical Deaf staging of Warriors land. And in theater land I have some different opinions.

Okay so like for those unaware in Deaf theater there's a practice of having Deaf actors signing their lines as Deaf characters and then having a hearing actor say those lines out loud at the same time. This hearing actor is a "voice" and they are of varying physical reality depending on the production.

Some Deaf productions are almost entirely presented in ASL as well as English but I think obviously most of the gangs are not going to be addressing the Warriors in ASL so this show would rely heavily on supertitles like opera-style. I think you could get really cool with it as a production design thing though like if you had multiple projection surfaces throughout the set. Moments like the crowd screaming in Derailed could get really cool. But anyways that's pretty minor.

So the important thing that's going on here is that Cleon has a voice and Rembrandt doesn't. Cleon's voice is not physically real tho she's just a voice. Maybe she's off stage or something. But what matters is that Cleon can make the Riffs hear her. Does Masai know ASL? Is he somehow metatextually hearing the voice? doesn't matter. That's simply Cleon's impact. Cleon's role in the story is already about speaking truth to power and making men listen to her as a woman so this is just adding a disability angle to that.

I think for the most part the other Warriors rely on the fact that Rembrandt can lipread so if they are using ASL for her benefit it's more simplistic and they'd still get supertitled. Except for Ajax and Fox who sign while they talk, and of course Ajax and Rembrandt's background entirely ASL running commentary.

So. Rembrandt doesn't have a voice. How does that work? Easy. With the help of my handy dandy word document of every single line of hers in the entire musical I can tell you who says every one of Rembrandt's lines.

The really handy thing about Rembrandt is like half of her lines she's saying at the same time as somebody else, so if she's speaking with someone else they're speaking for her. Very easy and fun.

In general if Rembrandt is speaking on her own Ajax is talking for her, with the assumption that this is like. Normal every day procedure for the Warriors. So like all her little haterly asides in the first half of the musical is Ajax talking. In general the delineation between whether Ajax and Rembrandt are speaking as a unit or if Ajax is talking for Rembrandt is whether Ajax is also signing.

There are a few moments where I think Fox would talk for her instead like I think Fox picks up the "what are we gon do?" in Woodlawn Cemetery for sure, and Rembrandt's first two attempts to get Ajax to back off of Barnes.

There are a few other moments though where I think nobody picks up Rembrandt's lines and they're only supertitles. Some of these moments are like just for fun like I think her finding Coney Island on the map doesn't get spoken aloud as like our lighthearted establishing use of the device. But nobody picks up Rembrandt's "where you going???" in Park at Night because she's only talking to Ajax. and Ajax doesn't listen to her anyways.

After Park at Night Fox picks up being Rembrandt's voice for Cardigans and We Got You 1. Then, in the reprise, Rembrandt physically grabs Fox to get her to act as her voice for her monologue. Fox speaking here is blurring the line between things that are really happening and things which are metaphorical but that's the great thing about theater because you can just stand right on the line and not pick a side. As Fox starts to see what Rembrandt means she starts to sign along with her, and then is on the same page as her to start giving orders to the other Warriors when they have to run.

Momentary note that we don't translate Rembrandt saying Fox's name in Reunion Square because by this time we've learned Fox's sign name bc we've seen it in the roll call a bunch of times so no translation necessary! I don't know enough about ASL to have any opinions about sign names but I think that getting to pick out sign names for the Warriors would be a very fun part of doing the translation for this musical and they'd add a little extra pizazz to the roll call. Cool projection shenanigans for the remix in Reunion Square too!

And then finally. Nobody picks up any of Rembrandt's lines after Fox dies. We let that last "What are we gon do?" just hang in the air.

[rosiesdisneydrama]

Hidden Butterfly Random Notes

Since I've revealed that I've been writing this au, I've realised I have WAY TOO MANY random notes stored in my docs. So I'm gonna share some here to (hopefully) keep myself from going into long tangents in the story.

What can I say? I've had lots of fun world-building things bubbling in my brain that I'm honestly Not Sure if they'll be story-relevant. Therefore, to Tumblr they go!

~ I wrote the start/first chapter the way I did because I had a bunch of pre-series worldbuilding I wanted to do, but I just couldn't get myself to actually sit down and write them out. So I did it as a bunch of time-line snapshots to let myself get to the meat of the story without being as worried about spending too much time on the little details.

Some parts may get revisited in later chapters (from Izuku reminiscing or introducing characters that got mentioned), and I'm saving the finer details for then. Or telling people about them here.

~ I implied it, but I'm also going to say it outright here, too. Thanks to Sango-sensei's self-defense classes, Izuku is fully capable of defending himself. He's learned a lot about disabling attackers, breaking loose from being grappled, and using make-shift items to escape if you're being attacked/caught in a minor disaster.

Sango-sensei's classes are based on some karate classes I took as a kid. A class with a firm focus on self-defense over competing. Which includes a lot of (honestly kind of vicious) moves and cheap strikes to end the fight as fast as possible in order to keep safe.

((I didn't learn until later, while describing my lessons to someone else, that it wasn't normal in karate to break a grapple by wrenching the attacker forward via the arm they grabbed with, slamming your knee into their gut to get them to double over, and then slamming your elbow into the back of their neck. So- yeah.))

Basically, Izuku is a brutal fighter who has 0 qualms about fighting dirty.

~ Izuku dotes SO MUCH on Nooroo. He figured out that his friend had been in the hands of villains and now works very hard to let Nooroo feel safe and cared for.

I also made the choice that Nooroo's favorite treats are sliced fruits/berries. And smoothies.

So now Izuku keeps some with him all the time. Some in a bento and some in one of those hot/cold lunch bags. So there's always a treat for Nooroo even on days when Izuku doesn't plan on using the miraculous.

~ Nooroo is delighted/proud that Izuku plans to use his powers to help the new, modern world instead of harming it or trying to find/steal the other Miraculous. Nooroo misses the other Kwami but keeps being just- SO PROUD whenever Izuku figures out new ways to use the butterfly to help/protect people.

Izuku uses the butterfly in a way more reminiscent of the Villain Dad AU by @bigfatbreak instead of how Lila or Gabriel does. (Gathering info/digging up dirt on others instead of making champions.) He then funnels that information to various heroes in the area.

Since Izuku and he have good memories, it's easy to relay information to heroes without needing to write it down in the interim.

They try to keep everything that they do write down hidden and scrawled out in code. To preserve as much secrecy as they can before they pass the information off to heroes.

~ Izuku's magic is basically self-taught, with a lot of supplementing from what Nooroo knows about magic. Izuku's bedroom has a shelf dedicated to various books on magic he's dug up over the years. He tries to focus on stuff that's about actual, traditional magic and not just the new-age commercialized ideas of what magic "should" be.

Nooroo tries to help where he can, talking about traditional magic and folktales he's seen and learned over the years. Giving as many ideas as he can and then helping Izuku try them to see what, you know, actually works with what Izuku can do.

And if he slips in some of the stuff he remembers about healing/magic from the Miraculous Spellbook, well... It's not like there's anyone around who can call him out.

~ Izu's Vigilante name comes from the Sasakia Charonda, better known as the Japanese Emperor or the Great Purple Emperor, a species of butterfly native to Japan.

He uses the name to match his purple butterfly theme, but tries to avoid using the common name. He thought it sounded too pretentious/self-aggrandising. Using part of the Latin name felt more comfortable, and it was more interesting than just calling himself "butterfly" in his native tongue.

[everythingwasnormalhere]

…don’t mind me :D

STYLE: 🌺🌷🌲🌳

BUNNY: 🌵🪴🌱🌻

SHIP OF YOUR CHOICE: 💮🍄

Please don’t feel pressured to answer these all, but have fun answering what you choose to!

Style:

🌺- Have they have any comforting or happy stories around their disabilities?

YES ACTUALLY<3 ok so, this is kinda spoilery but also really fucking cute so :3 when kyle got his feeding tube, it included a 1-2 weeks long hospital stay. He was super insecure about it, also worsening his already bad relationship with his scars, which made his mental state pretty fucking shitty... Stan stayed at his since he was let out because he's a codependent bastard, and at one point kyle broke down and told him about what was wrong, and our lovely staniel just. Told him he still found him beautiful and that he was glad Kyle was there and a bunch of super sweet stuff that made kyle feel so much better about himself<33 idk man they're so cute (also im writing the fic that includes this lmao)

🌷- How does being disabled imapct their love life? For example does it impact their date nights, activities they can and can't do as a couple, ect.

First, going to restaurants is a No. Unless they have been previously deemed Safe by Kyle, they will Not have dates there (because they can't know whether a restaurant's food will or not trigger an episode as they haven't made it themselves and all). Also Stan's whole depressive episodes make going out harder, because whenever it's a Bad episode he won't even leave the house so like... but they still manage :)

🌲- How do they accommodate eachother? Do they have a routine that helps with this? Do they do this consciously or subconsciously?

I WILL NEVER NOT TALK ABOUT STAN BEING THE FIRST PERSON WHO KNOWS KYLE'S SAFE FOODS !!! This is something he does almost subconsciously but he will not make anything Kyle has trouble eating, and even when they were younger he remembered to bring to school something Kyle could eat (orange juice usually) just in case his mom packed stuff he had trouble with. Kyle meanwhile knows all the signs Stan is falling back into an episode, and he's slowly learnt the ways to pull him out of it before it gets bad :)

🌳- What would happen if they were to break up and/or loose eachother for any reason? How would this impact any party involved, would this trigger their disability?

Stan is So codependent he'd probably not survive without Kyle. Ever. Like, he tries not to make it obvious because he doesn't wanna trap Kyle in an unhealthy relationship, but he's so bad at dealing with Kylelessness he literally couldn't survive by himself. Kyle too but Maybe not to that level because my boy has a permanent layer of mild dissociation that would maybe protect him from the breakup ;w; (but like, they're both codependent as fuck, they're not breaking up ever 😭)

Bunny:

🌵- If they were to have a date that incorporated their disability what would this be like?

When he's having a bad day, Kenny usually can't even leave his bed (and less home), so as stubborn he is he lets Butters pick their plans for the day because he's so much better at accomodating Kenny than Kenny himself 😭 Usually their dates those days will be cuddling in bed/the couch and watching a movie, playing videogames, reading comics... depends on what they wanna do tbh, but they both like those dates a lot :) Also, honestly all their dates incorporate Butters' sensory issues in some way, either him wearing his headphones when they go to loud places (arcade or the movies) or making the TV quieter and dimmer, they incorporate their disabilities in pretty much everything they do even though they never mention it XD <3

🪴- If they plan on having a family how does being disabled effect this and their decision? Alternatively do they plan on having pets, of so how does being disabled impact their collective decision?

First, SHADOW !!!! Well, she wasn't really in their plans originally... she was more like a "yup she's coming with us alright" kinda split decision, and Lemon and Kafka were just an extra XD But they would've gotten pets either way, Butters is the biggest animal lover and Kenny is close to that position too lmao<3 About having children, this was a harder thing because Kenny wanted to be a foster parent, but realistically they wouldnt be able to care for that many children :( in the end though, they adopted a girl and they aren't the best parents but they're pretty great<3 (this happens in their 30s tho XD)

🌱- If the ship were to get married how would their wedding accommodate their disabilities? Alternatively what would their house/appartment/whatever accommodate them?

"No Ken, we are Not getting a house with stairs" -Butters Stotch (he's learnt after their old appartment, Kenny+stairs aren't the best convo 😭) - Their wedding didn't have that many accomodations, quieter music and not that many people invited (Butters' parents had coming in Forbidden. btw.), not that much but they had a great time still :)

🌻- Do they ever have to deal with ableism in regards to their relationship? How do they deal with it?

Short answer: yes 😭

Sadly, they get ableism both ways ;-; Kenny is the one who's most visibly disabled out of them, so Butters gets a shit ton of "you are sooo inspirational for dealing with this, i could never" (insert confused Butters noises, he doesn't get tf they mean by that 😭) and "are you Sure you want to live with That your whole life?" (yes he does he loves kenny with his whole life fuck off 😔✨), and also obviously a bunch of assholes talking to Butters instead of Kenny whenever he's pushing his wheelchair (insert butters being nonverbal atm so Kenny's the one who gotta do the talking 💀). The opposite way too, mainly the times when Butters is having meltdowns - for example, once they were at a party and Butters got really overwhelmed, and instead of helping a lot of people told Kenny horrible things I'm not repeating, and even though Butters was mid-meltdown he still remembered all that stuff and Kenny had to reassure him so much as soon as they got home :(

Ship of my choice:

💮- If one of the characters in the ship are having a bad disability day how long does it take the other(s) to pick up on the fact that they're struggling? Are they good at picking up on the signs, if not, is there a point that they do notice without being told?

You're getting another bunny answer because they're my beautiful boys<33

Butters picks it up pretty soon, but whether he mentions it or not is another story. When they were in school, in case Kenny didn't skip Butters would not say anything until they got home or at least they were alone, instead sending Kenny disapproving looks every time he lied about why he looked so tired TwT then when Kenny started using aids, Butters (and pretty much anyone who knew him) could tell in what lvl of pain he was in depending on what he was using :3

Kenny has a bit more trouble telling, as a teen he usually had So Much stuff in his head so he couldn't catch the signs (as much as he cares, noticing your friend is having a bad day while you yourself are running on 5 energy drinks and 2 hours of sleep isn't the easiest task 😭), which meant Butters usually had to let him know in some way - tugging at his sleeve most times, as he struggles with speaking on bad days. If Butters didn't do that though, Kenny figured out by seeing how he looked much more anxious and was looking around all the time, and he'd make sure to keep him safe and stay with him till they could get home. As adults, Butters had the whole "being out of a dangerous environment means PTSD gets Bad" era, and it was a lot easier to tell as during bad days he didn't wanna leave their room at all, which most times caused Kenny to stay there too till Butters felt ready to go outside<3

🍄- Free question!: If one of the characters disabilities is a progressive disability how do they plan their future? Does this impact their relationship as a whole?

Aaaand another one for bunny cuz I'm not shutting up about them ever (srsly i need help 💀)

This wasn't something they discussed much, Butters was aware Kenny was getting progressively worse because he's good at noticing that stuff, but it wasn't until they got older (40s-50s) that they had a "it Is getting That Bad" moment. Kenny hadn't been dying for a Long while, so he had no idea what was wrong with him this time till he (finally) went to the doctors - basically, huge spoiler ahead lmao, his deaths had just been speeding up an already existing chronic pain condition, so he probably wouldn't have had the whole dying pains thing if he hadn't had that condition in the first place. This whole thing Fucked Him Up, he hid it from Butters for as long as he could, he would lock himself in his room for days on end, he didn't know how to deal with knowing there was no way to stop it besides permadeath :( as soon as Butters knew, he comforted Kenny, because his worth didn't depend on the stuff he could or couldnt do and his love wasn't affected by Kenny's disability at all (🙌!!), and they did their best to get used to the whole thing and manage it, together<3

[crossfalconx5]

Heyy, Im here from you FefTav post!

Would love to hear what called you to them, the dynamic, parallels and anything else you feel like talking about, just had never considered it before!

okay welcome to my video essay called feftav mean everything to me and here’s why

On a meta level: Feferi and Tavros are two characters that are both very likable and sympathetic but don’t get as much attention from the narrative or fandom as much as they should. Feferi is hardly fleshed out despite the interesting angle her character comes from, and tavros is mainly a punching bag for the narrative that gets beaten down by hussies iron boot whenever he tries to stand up (metaphorically) They both have a lot of room for exploration that I’m very disappointed didn’t get filled out, and I think these gap in their characters can be filled out with eachother.

Feferi is a good person, raised into a high position, in a bad society. One of feferis main goals in her life was to become empress and make things better for a people that have been subjugated to cruel punishment for ages and to fix a system that has been broken for a LONG time. Feferi is a kindhearted person that isn’t naive, but hopeful to an extent that she’s blind to the fact some problems can’t be fixed with a simple change in the definition of culling. She’s also a person that both narratively and functionally get sidelined by the men in her life. She’s a kickass Princess that’s going to rule alternia someday, but is instead of that focus she’s reduced to being the damsel in distress to be fought over by both eridan and sollux. A conflict in which she’s supposed to mediate even though she never wanted it in the first place. Her time to shine is taken up by boys fighting over a girl crush which is just a SHAME to see, even dying for a conflict she had no agency in. An empathetic and capable person with one of the most optimistic outlooks in homestuck unable to reach her full potential because of the “more important” men in her life. From a toxic friendship to becoming the damsel in distress with no agency, her capability as a character is erased in the face of loss of potential.

Tavros is a person that is naive but not of his own fault. he’s a teen that likes interests that are more stereotypically childlike and gets picked on for it, he’s disabled and lower class which means his life is worth less in the eyes of the society that rules over the lives of the trolls on alternia, he’s also someone that’s been abused and manipulated by a person in his life he was close to, who installed unhealthy views of himself and his purpose into tavros. He’s a person that’s been told his whole life that he was unimportant, worthless, and weak; wether that be by society or his peers. He’s also a character that does not get to be happy, most of the relationships he has are either unhealthy, tragically undeveloped, or one’s he’s slightly forced into due to circumstances he has no control of. He goes through loads of physical and mental trauma and is never allowed a break to heal or process. He’s has never gotten a chance to truly been valued by someone because his life is like a nonstop dhar man video where the kid gets picked on for unfair reasons except the bullies never get any sort of satisfying comeuppance.

He’s also optimistic but in a far different way than Feferi. She’s optimistic because she has the ability to make a change and knows it, she’s been raised semi-comfortably and, though definitely has responsibilities, has hope for a brighter future because she has to power to make that better future. Feferi is optimistic because she has the ability to chance the circumstances. Tavros is optimistic DESPITE the circumstances, he’s had it rough his whole life, but stays positive and trusting and kind regardless, still trying his best even though things NEVER end well for them. Feferi wants to change life for low bloods but Tavros has LIVED it, which is why… (finally getting to the point)

they compliment eachother perfectly, giving eachother the thing they didn’t have in their lives. Tavros grounds feferi, he has personal experience and can speak for the people she’s trying to protect, giving her a look into the lives of those she wants to help and letting her see them on a personal level; while Feferi shows tavros that he has value and can be loved the way he is. Her endless kindness and patience for the people in her life giving a him a chance to be cared for, plus proving that he has worth. I mean, if this badass high blood Princess cares about him and have faith in him, he must mean something! Tavros is also not demanding or controlling, he doesn’t feel entitled to feferi. he doesn’t see her as a damsel; he sees her as a capable, kind, and flawed person that is more like him than he could ever have imagined. For once feferi is the one kicking ass and tavros is the one to support and ground her. feferi recognize and helps tavros heal from the unhealthy relationships he’s been in because of her experience with eridan, and tavros humanizes (trollinizes?) lowerbloods and grounds her in reality to make sure her hopeful ideals for the future are still realistic and helpful for EVERYONE. I imagine Feferi felt immense guilt after tavros died, wondering if she could’ve saved him somehow, while tavros felt like he didn’t deserve being saved.

They’re also incredibly similar, animal lovers who see the best in everyone around them, people who would enthuse about eachothers intrests and wonder at the different worlds the other brought them into. They’d be super sweet and fluffy, wear matching outfits, giggle about animals and marvel at the others talents no matter if it was slaying monsters or being good at a niche card game. They would make eachother the best versions of themselves. They could make eachother happy in a world that has made it INCREDIBLY hard for that to happen. I also feel if this had happened in canon, we’d be able to see sides of these two we weren’t able to before (Aka feferi importance and tavros joy)

So yeah, I’m normal about these guys

[toaugment]

what is your muse's favorite way to relax ? how does your muse react to change ? what is your muse's most arrogant behavior ? what is your muse's most transformative experience ? ( ill answer this for u: kissing jayce next question ) what is your muse's most reckless decision ? is your muse the jealous type ? are they possessive ? how does your muse deal with obsession ? how does your muse express love & care ? these are all purely selfish <3 ty

viktor doesn't relax what are you talking about?? serious answer, sex or a warm mug of sweetmilk before bed. i was joking earlier but he really doesn't have hobbies — he works or tinkers with work - adjacent projects until he crashes, unless he has a man in his bed or he's too exhausted in which case he'll indulge in his favourite treat before succumbing to rest. this is why he needs a fully augmented body, to render rest and relaxation unnecessary. i think viktor welcomes most change, whether it's good or bad — stagnation makes him restless, so a change is an opportunity for him to react. a good change will invigorate him, a bad one gives him a problem to solve.

his most arrogant behaviour comes out whenever he believes he's the smartest person in the room, so basically any time jayce isn't present ( jayce gets to share that spot with him ). it's not immediately obvious unless you know him well enough, his condescension is fairly subtle, but if he thinks people who aren't on his level intellectually are letting their uninformed opinions or — gods forbid — emotions cloud their judgement, he's going to have an attitude. he's also overly confident in his augmentations, so he's going to act arrogant on the battlefield.

sorry jayce his most transformative experiences to date are seeing rio rotting alive and forced to stay in a constant state of suffering for the sake of progress as well as waking up with a considerable amount of his body replaced with hextech </3 similarly, his most reckless decisions to date are self-administering shimmer and all the self - inflicted cyborgification. his body is an ongoing science project, consequences be damned.

yes and no to being jealous and possessive. he's never had cause to be prior to jayce, and in the early years of their partnership he 's secure enough in that that he doesn't need to feel jealous or possessive. that starts to change the more jayce gets pulled into politics and viktor's illness and disability worsen, his resentment over their situations giving rise to other ugly feelings. the mh is a different beast though ; he gets so little of jayce now that they stand as enemies that you're going to have to pry him from his bloodied, dead hands. he thinks little of any possible lovers jayce may take in piltover, as long as he can remain secure in the knowledge that no one else takes up as much space in his mind as viktor does.

viktor is the type that lets obsession consume him, no matter what it's about. hextech, the glorious evolution, jayce talis ... they fill him with purpose until there's no room for anything else. he doesn't know how to live a balanced existence.

he's not very good at expressing his love. he grew up as an orphan in zaun ; caring was a weakness no one could afford to spare him, and the one time he loved something it ended in tragedy ( rip rio ). by the time he meets jayce he's closed himself off emotionally, and the way the other is so free with his affection — touch, verbal affirmation, quality time — definitely catches him off - guard. he does his best to return the sentiment, but old instincts are set deep and he's never going to be able to let himself feel fully exposed. instead, he tries to be encouraging, and focuses his efforts on the work ; making hextech a reality is a way to make jayce's dream a reality, which is the highest form of love and care viktor is capable of giving. hextech, and his work in general, are also an extension of viktor's caring ; he wants to create things that help people. he may not be able to express and give his love directly ( what good would that even be? ) but he can make things.

[confessions-official]

i’ve tried to start crocheting recently and i CANNOT do a chain stitch. i just can’t. i’ve looked up multiple different ways, i’ve tried each of them many times but my hands are just. Not doing it right??? i am actually on the verge of a meltdown because What the Fuck i have spent an HOUR trying to do an allegedly easy thing. specifically it’s the yarning over thats fucking everything up for me. i am trying so so hard but i am ass at anything to do with coordination and i would like to have another body please. i would like a refund on my flesh suit or at least my brain because it’s really amazingly shitty at working like it’s supposed to. i am genuinely considering staying home sick from school for the rest of the week so i can keep trying to make this goddamn motherfucking chain stitch.

and i can’t talk to anyone about this or anything coordination-related that i struggle with because they’ll say “its fine, practice makes perfect, nobody gets it on their first try” and its like. okay but YOU are not experiencing this. YOU do not have to deal with being disabled even though 1) your disability isn’t recognized as a disability even though it is extremely fucking disabling which sucks because 2) i am diagnosed with this, i was diagnosed with it at a young age i will be dealing with this for the rest of my fucking life it impacts literally every facet of everything which makes it more infuriating that 3) mostly people don’t fucking know what it is. which makes it very tiring whenever i talk about it because i have to preface the conversation with an explanation of what it is. and whenever i’m explaining this to someone as a reason for why i can’t do a thing or will do badly at a thing they’ll be like “ok well you shouldnt let that impact you so much, stop using it as an excuse” because 4) most people do not consider it a physical disability. they just don’t! which is. kind of wild to me. because like. yeah the disorder that makes everything involving coordination 100 times more difficult DO interfere with my daily life, actually. nobody gets that. it’s not that i’m clumsy, my legs just don’t work like they should. i can’t even run for longer than a couple seconds without needing to lay down for a couple minutes.

my body doesn’t work right. thats it. thats the whole thing. it doesnt work how it should and that’s fucked up every single part of my life. “dyspraxic children may be more vulnerable to bullying and social rejection” YEAH NO SHIT! even as a kid in PE classes i could see everybody else doing things that my body just wouldn’t. i tried for years but i am simply not built for that. and of fucking course thats going to get you othered, rejected and bullied, which if it happens enough times will fuck up your social skills for A While. i’m not trying to mope around about it because i understand that it’s not that bad a disorder, it is disabling but other disabilities are more disabling and i can mostly pretend i don’t need any accommodations. thats fine. i can do that. its just that the fucking chain stitch made me realize “oh, fuck. i know why my life is like this.” and maybe i am having a very strong reaction about not being able to do a chain stitch but i don’t know. it was the straw that broke the camel’s back, i guess. like, i can’t do any sports or most art, i don’t have any friends, i don’t go out and do things and i can’t even do a fucking chain stitch? i can’t even do that? i probably will end up getting it in a while but idk. i just want to crochet, man. i don’t know why this is so difficult for me. i wish i wasn’t like this. i wish i was better. like, just in general i want to be better. i’ve tried but i can’t. i just want a body and brain that work how they’re supposed to. i don’t see why i have to work twice as hard as everyone for the same results. i know nothing in life is fair but jesus christ this is ridiculous. i’m very “sad, down on his luck protagonist who gets sucked into a whirlwind adventure” coded. i am. going to start crying

.

[furiousgoldfish]

Hey :) Anon from this post: https://furiousgoldfish.tumblr.com/post/713489488821862400/hey-hope-youre-having-a-good-day-today-or-at here. I wanna start this off by saying thank you for the response you gave, it really helped me a lot. I'm trying to come to terms with what I've gone through, and I've discovered that I may be some sort of dissociative system, which would likely explain the large gaps in my memory and lack of knowledge about my childhood.

Going through the list of potential reasons for my parents' treatment of me shifting, I definitely think it's a combination of the first (me getting closer to being an adult, I'm 20 now) and the third (getting opportunities to get away from home, I've got a partner who loves me (and is helping me with a plan to get out of here) and I've been pushing for more freedom to go out places, and I do keep bringing up the idea of me getting a job and/or my own place, which always provokes an...interesting reaction, certainly, which I do want to talk about here).

I feel like the physical abuse would've stopped around the time I turned 13, or maybe a couple of years before that, considering that that was when I start getting clearer, non-fragmented memories, and then a lot of the verbal and emotional stuff (at least, the obvious stuff that I could easily pick up on) stopped at the start of 2020, when I started talking more about how I was excited to start learning to drive (I was 16, soon to be turning 17, and I'd always been told I couldn't start learning to drive until I was 17)

With your description of the narcissistic split between kids, with one being the golden child and the other being the scapegoat, that very much feels like what's happening with me. I've always felt like I was an outsider in my own family -- a memory recently surfaced from when I was 9 years old where I remember contemplating if I was secretly some sort of monster or alien pretending to be a human rather than actually being a human within the family, and I remember writing a song when I was 13 where one of the lines of the chorus was "someone's daughter on somebody else's family tree", and those are just two of the instances I can recall.

I'm not sure if I'm discriminated against for a disability -- my brother's autistic, something that was always brought up by my parents, and while I am in the middle of getting screened for autism myself I don't know why they'd discriminate against me for autism but not him? -- but I do know that my brother's always been very talented when it comes to music and coding, and while I do have a few talents myself (I do art, I write, I used to be in an acting club for a few years) I only feel like my parents care about me when I'm doing something they can be proud of? Meanwhile my brother seems to be cared about all the time, even when he's angry, even when he's stolen from me, even when he does things like delete all my save data on video games. I suppose that would tie in with what you said about how the golden child can always get away with bullying the scapegoat, but it still sucks.

Regarding the...interesting...response I would get from my parents (well, really only my mother, I've never talked to my father about this) about getting a job and moving out -- whenever I have, my mother will always bring up how I ended up quitting my last job due to stress (I was 15 at the time, and working in a busy cafe, as well as trying to deal with everything at home, is it any surprise?) and how my sister tried moving out and had to move back home, and it honestly just feels like she's trying to scare(?) me into abandoning the idea under the belief that I'm not capable of doing it? Even when I've brought up the idea of trying to get some sort of online work so I wouldn't have to go out, she still seems to think I'd get too easily stressed out and/or overwhelmed by it. Maybe I'm just being paranoid, but I can't shake the idea that if I did manage to find something, she'd just try to sabotage me to "prove her point".

That, coupled with the fact that she's so controlling of where I can go as well -- she used to have a tracker on my phone that I had to fight to get taken off, I was never allowed to walk to/from school (when I was even still going there, I was pulled out when I was 9 because of my brother, which is another story) on my own as a kid like all the other kids did despite practically living next door to it, I never got to have sleepovers with friends (because "what if something happens with [brother] and we need to come and get you?" (which, um, do I look like his fucking caretaker? Leave me out of his shit please) and later on my tendency to get homesick was weaponized against me (which, gee, wonder if that'd've been an issue if I could've gotten to have sleepovers with my friends as a kid)), and a few months back I had to fight to even be allowed out of the house to go for short walks around the neighborhood on my own? As an at-the-time 19 year old, so, a legal adult? When our neighborhood is pretty safe and quiet? And the reasoning she always gives is "what if something happens to you?" which...well, considering that a few of the suspected alters appear to me as inmates in a prison, I think speaks volumes about how I feel about all of this treatment.

I suppose I want to close this out with a question of sorts here, relating to your post about abusive parents separating kids from human rights -- number 10 on that list is "They threaten you with court, institutions and government", and it reminded me of how as a kid, if ever I was crying too loud or screaming or yelling, I was always told to keep it down in case the neighbors called CPS (well, my country's equivalent anyways), it was always framed that if CPS were called for then they'd come and take me away, that I wouldn't get to keep any of the things that my parents got for me, that I'd be sent to live with strangers, it was always made out as this extremely bad, extremely scary thing that had to be Avoided At All Costs because We're Not Abusive But If You Don't Shut Up The Neighbors Will Think We Are, and...I suppose I'm just trying to figure out if that falls into that category? I've just been very confused about it ever since I recalled it, and I can't figure out how I'm supposed to even interpret it, let alone feel about it.

Thanks for taking the time to read this, hope you have a good day :)

(🌟) (signing off so I can better identify the ask later)

Hey thanks for coming back and giving me feedback about the reply!

I'll respond to your question first: Yes, it does fall into that category, and I've been told the exact same things. My things will be taken away, I'll be sent off to live in a place of poverty with strangers where I will not be allowed to own anything and I won't have my own room, they would describe it as the worst possible thing that could happen to me and instruct me how to act so I would not get taken away. And of course when you're a child, you believe that and act like they tell you to, there's no way to know they're doing this to keep you in abuse.

it's really interesting how they all use almost identical tactics and it's only when we form a community and talk about these kinds of abuse and when they happen, that it makes sense and it becomes clear what they're trying to accomplish. I've been so scared of 'homes' for children all my childhood, only to find out later, that children raised there had way, and I mean WAY more things than I did, way more legal protection and their every need paid for. I could not have imagined that. (I don't know if it works like that in every country though, apparently in my country it does.)

It makes sense for the physical abuse to stop at the age 13, you're about to remember things very well at that age, and about to learn how to fight back. They do not want a child who resists them.

The separation of the scapegoat and the golden child is usually stronger than any talent you might have. No matter what you did, you'd always be the scapegoat. And yes they love to show off and get attention even if it is from the scapegoat's accomplishments, but it's unlikely they'll ever acknowledge it to you, or start valuing you for that. Narcissistic abusers need a scapegoat and to them, this need comes first, before any needs of a child. I'm so sorry you felt like an outsider, your song feels very powerful and cuts to the point. It really is like you're somebody else's child, intruding into that house.

From what you're describing your mother is very set on discouraging you from getting a job, or even outright sabotaging you, attacking your confidence and making it clear that she doesn't think you can do it. She's also insisting you should exist only as a convenience and resource for the rest of them. She's doing those things because she's scared of you succeeding and getting free, then you could talk about the abuse freely, and they could do nothing to you. I'm so glad you have a partner and a possibility of escape, I hope you make it, and manage to distance yourself completely from parents who treated you so unfairly and cruelly.

I'm sorry about the dissociative symptoms, it's definitely worth looking further into that, lost memories, being unable to put events together, these are dissociative symptoms. Here's a link where you can read more about the symptoms and see if anything clicks. (it's just for dissociative disorders in general, not DID, if you think you have DID or OSDD, look for more resources please!)

[thessalian]

Thess vs Installations

Well, first, the Saga of the Graphics Card.

The graphics card was supposed to arrive just before New Year. And then it didn't. And it didn't. And it continued to didn't. So by about the third I just went, "Okay, fine, time to get on to customer service". Since this was a first offense, I decided it didn't require "talking to a human being", so I hit their support chat and basically went, "The graphics card I paid a fair bit of money for has not arrived, so could you just send me one that actually gets here? Thanks". And the AI or whatever said "Sure".

Taking the delivery was fun. While the doorbell technically works, I still can't buzz people into the building from the comfort of my foyer (my stepfather is looking into it; which means I'll probably have it fixed sometime next year). So I had to haul my poor disabled ass downstairs to let the guy in. He was such a nice guy. He not only had my graphics card, but he also had the new headset mic I'd ordered (since my last one has proven to have worn out to the point where my input is a staticky mess). Thing is, he only remembered seeing it when I got to the door, so he went all the way back to his van to get it. See, while we do have visitor parking out front, we have a few residents who use it for their second cars, so the visitors parking is usually full ... which is ironic when you consider that only maybe two-thirds of the actual residents have cars and use their allotted parking spaces. Anyway, he had a couple of deliveries for other residents in the building so since I was going upstairs anyway, I offered to take the one that was going up to my floor. He was so nice, I figured I'd spare him the trip.

So anyway, I wasn't going to install everything last night because ... well, the machine was on and doing things, and I didn't want to turn the whole thing off and on again, and I figured to do it in the morning (or afternoon, whenever I woke up) so I'd be fresher for any disasters that happened in the process of installing the new graphics card. I did test the headset mic, though, with help from a voice chat with @true0neutral - the new headset works fine, and proves that my poor old headset has to be put out to pasture.

So today, I put in the new graphics card.

THINGS I CAN NO LONGER DO EASILY BECAUSE OF FUCKING FIBROMYALGIA, #839 - manhandle a computer tower to install things.

I mean, the unplugging of everything was a bitch, and then hauling it onto the desk was more of a bitch, and then I had to do some dusting of the inside of the PC, which I guess was okay, and then I had to pull the old graphics card, which was a little frustrating, and then I lost a screw in the casing and had to rattle it around like one of those toys where you tilt a box to get a marble through a maze into a hole, which hurt, and then I had to plug in the new graphics card, which was awkward, and then I had to put everything back together again, which hurt, and then I had to plug everything back in, which hurt more...

And then it decided it wanted to enter setup mode because I guess something went wrong in POST, which was terrifying. But I honestly made no changes to it that I'm aware of; I just put it back to default settings (which apparently changed nothing) and it restarted just fine. However, as is the nature of things, I'm going to be paranoid about it until I'm sure it's not going to do that again.

For now, it all seems to have worked out. My machine is ... actually quieter now, and apart from a little bit of hiccupping as it decided which of my two monitors it wanted to be using for what, and which speakers to use (WHY is it defaulting to my headset? I have speakers and I want to USE THEM), things seem to be working as intended. Of course, I haven't tried to play any games on it yet. I did all this before I'd even had my coffee, y'see, so coffee has to happen before anything else. So the first part of the testing - regular PC function - has to happen while I have at least half my Big Mug O'Coffee. And then I am going to start slowly with an indie game, nothing too graphics intensive, and then I will check how it runs with DA2, and only then will I try it on Baldur's Gate 3.

Look, I get a little paranoid, okay? I've been doing this for about two decades and I should be pretty chill about upgrading my PC when I've literally built a machine from spare parts twice ... but it pays to be cautious, I've found. I'd rather have a little bit of paranoia for awhile and catch any problem before it becomes a big one than tell myself everything's fine and then get blindsided by something exploding. The last time I was too chill about an upgrade, my power supply basically blew up.

No, I am not kidding.

[iviarellereads]

The Eye of the World, Chapter 21 - Listen to the Wind

(THIS PROJECT IS SPOILER FREE! No spoilers past the chapter you click on. Curious what I'm doing here? Read this post! For the link index and a primer on The Wheel of Time, read this one! Like what you see? Send me a Ko-Fi.)

(Staff icon) In which we have our first entire chapter from a different point of view!

Nynaeve awakens with the sunrise, confused for a moment where she is. Then she gets annoyed at herself for falling asleep, worries at losing the younger ones, gets angry at herself for even thinking they might not have survived.(1) She rides down river, keeping an eye out for tracks, in case anyone crossed the river who she can track down. Eventually she smells woodsmoke, and sneaks toward it.

She finds Lan dismounting from his horse, Moiraine sitting beside a fire, boiling a kettle. Nynaeve doesn't reveal herself, just listens. Lan tells Moiraine that the Myrddraal are gone, and the Trollocs, but he's worried that there must have been a thousand of them. How did they get there, so many at once? If there are that many Trollocs, they could overwhelm the Borderlands at any time.

Moiraine says coolly that the whole world will be overrun in five years if they don't find the boys. She knows where one is, and two were downriver before the connection "faded away as I found it". Then she makes a cryptic comment about "if you watch the wolf too hard, a mouse will bite you on the ankle" and tells Nynaeve she can come out from behind her tree if she likes.

Lan almost looks embarrassed that he didn't notice Nynaeve there. Nyn approaches Mo, but Lan stops her with an arm like iron. Mo offers tea, Nyn refuses and asks what "dirty Aes Sedai schemes" Mo's gotten the Emond's Fielders into.

Mo nonchalantly informs Nyn that she's got little room to talk, since she can wield the One Power herself, sometimes. Nyn says Mo might as well accuse her of being a Trolloc. Mo points out that Nyn sensed the potential in Egg, too, and she (Mo) could tell as soon as Nyn approached, if she hadn't been distracted by building the fire.

Even Lan seems surprised at this, and watches Nyn speculatively. Nyn says she won't listen to any more of this, but Mo points out how surprised Emond's Field was that their Wisdom hadn't predicted the late spring accurately, how she could heal injuries that should have disabled people so that there wasn't even a twinge or a limp. Mo even guesses how it started.

“Perhaps as much as eight or ten years ago—the age varies, but always comes young—there was something you wanted more than anything else in the world, something you needed. And you got it. A branch suddenly falling where you could pull yourself out of a pond instead of drowning. A friend, or a pet, getting well when everyone thought they would die. “You felt nothing special at the time, but a week or ten days later you had your first reaction to touching the True Source. Perhaps fever and chills that came on suddenly and put you to bed, then disappeared after only a few hours. None of the reactions, and they vary, lasts more than a few hours. Headaches and numbness and exhilaration all mixed together, and you taking foolish chances or acting giddy.(2) A spell of dizziness, when you tripped and stumbled whenever you tried to move, when you could not say a sentence without your tongue mangling half the words. There are others. Do you remember?”

Mo goes on to explain how Nyn formed a connection with those she'd healed, she could probably when they were nearby, and it's how she found them at the inn. Nyn admits that she healed Egg, admits that all of it happened much as Mo laid out. Mo says that Nyn is lucky, she developed control over the Power, or else it would have killed her by now, as it will kill Egg if she doesn't go to Tar Valon. Nyn says if she learned, so can Egg! Mo says that three of every four who can touch the Source as they can will die, eventually, if they don't get help and training.

Nyn remembers another apprentice Wisdom who died young, and eventually gives in, asking Mo not to tell anyone what she can do. Mo tells Lan they'll be leaving, and she fears Nyn won't be accompanying them. Nyn, in true reverse-psychology fashion, says she will too be going with them.

“Oh, yes, I will be going with you. You cannot keep me from it.” “No one will try to keep you from it,” Lan said as he rejoined them. He emptied the tea kettle over the fire and stirred the ashes with a stick. “A part of the Pattern?” he said to Moiraine. “Perhaps so,” she replied thoughtfully. “I should have spoken to Min again.”(3) “You see, Nynaeve, you are welcome to come.” There was a hesitation in the way Lan said her name, a hint of an unspoken “Sedai” after it. Nynaeve bristled, taking it for mockery, and bristled, too, at the way they spoke of things in front of her—things she knew nothing about—without the courtesy of an explanation, but she would not give them the satisfaction of asking

Nyn asks how Mo knows where the boys went. Mo tells her about the token coins, they were bespelled so that as long as their holders are alive and in possession of the coins, she can find them.(4) Nyn asks about Egg, and Mo says she has no clue where she went, but the Trollocs wouldn't bother her because she's not their target.

Nyn is torn between trying to find Egg or going with Mo and Lan.(5) A Wisdom is supposed to look after all her people, not have to choose between one or the other. When Lan comes back from retrieving her horse, his stony calm breaks, and his eyes widen at seeing her crying. She turns her back to him and wipes the tears furiously.(6)

Mo asks one last time if Nyn will go with them. Nyn mounts her horse, not really answering, but not going the other way.

Lan and Moiraine were already in their saddles, turning their horses south. She followed, stiff-backed, refusing to let herself look back; instead she kept her eyes on Moiraine. The Aes Sedai was so confident in her power and her plans, she thought, but if they did not find Egwene and the boys, all of them, alive and unharmed, not all of her power would protect her. Not all her Power. I can use it, woman! You told me so yourself. I can use it against you!

=====

(1) Poor Nynaeve. The first couple of times I read this book I was about her age and related to her hard. Now I'm only a few years older than she is but gosh do I just want to tell her she really is too young to be taking responsibility for all that herself, and she's so adversarial and jumps to conclusions so quickly that she never has a chance to give someone the benefit of the doubt. She creates so many walls between herself and other people, even between herself and the Power, since she doesn't have a conscious grasp of it. Anything that has the potential to hurt her, she pushes away, even if it would also bring her great joy and benefit. She cares for her village but she has to do so many things that go against her nature just to be taken seriously. She's learned to bristle at anyone questioning her or undermining her worldview. More… (See 5) (2) Side note: those are some funny symptoms for this channeling sickness. Do they stand out to you? Have we seen anybody with symptoms fitting this description? Or am I throwing attention at a red herring? (3) Remember what Min said? Nyn is part of it, too. (4) So, the coins were quite important after all. You may or may not have noticed, but Ewin said his was a silver penny, while Mat and Rand both got coins that Rand evaluated at quite a high value, sounding like much more than a penny, and neither showed them to Ewin before tucking them away. (5) She literally collapses here when she's faced with evidence she can't deny, that she can use the One Power, even if she's never known what it was. And instantly she seizes on the opportunity to use it actively. You told me I can use it, so then I can use it against you. She's also entirely too ready to feel smug. Particularly at Lan's failures. This is partly Nynaeve's character, and partly, I think, some of the attempt at matriarchal society conditioning peeking through. (6) One thing I didn't go into too much in my summary is how Lan is stone-faced throughout, but Nynaeve is attuning to his microexpressions. She even says at one point, surely his face hadn't actually changed, but she can almost feel his surprise. And he uses her given name only, not her full name, not Mistress al'Meara. Just Nynaeve. How familiar of him. How daring. She doesn't even notice… or does she? Nynaeve may be one of the least reliable POVs we've seen yet, because she hides so much from herself as well as others.

[butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway]

hey, feel completely free to discard this question if you just don't have the space to answer it--i am aware shit is Busy For You right now lol. i just wanted to ask you specifically because you're the only person on tumblr i follow who has expressed, like... similar restrictions to what i have? similar awareness of what's going on in the world and feelings about it? but no pressure to respond.

that said, you've spoken a lot about being very restricted and limited in your community engagement due to COVID, and like... i'm struggling with that right now. i haven't been able to Leave The House And Engage In Community in actual years at this point, because even with reaching out beforehand and requesting things change, no community-building groups in my area are like... actually willing to even baseline require masking at all, and i'm... very unsafe in those situations due to medical problems, you know how it is. i'm struggling with being able to find community at all, much less figure out how i can actually materially help and build community. i've tried to organize my own structures for building friendships and community support networks in spaces where i run filters, require universal masking, etc, and what has happened is that... nobody shows up, no matter how intensely i try to do outreach about it. it seems like the generally accepted notion, especially in anarchist social circles around here, is that people/structures that require COVID precautions are... overreacting, limiting other people's freedoms, and generally untrustworthy as community.

i just wanted to ask, as someone who's faced similar limitations, do you have like... any advice for how to navigate this and actually contribute to building strong communities and support networks without putting myself and my loved ones in danger? i'm exhausted, i'm burnt out all the time, and i'm pretty much entirely isolated from anyone other than a small handful of similarly-isolated people. i want to Have Support Networks and i also want to do my part to make the world a better place. but i've been struggling for years now and i keep failing in ways i never did pre-COVID. whenever i see posts talking about how the only way to truly make a difference and have support networks yourself is to get offline and engage in your local community, i *agree*, but i feel infinite frustration with the fact that i *keep trying* and it feels like i'm just expected to expose myself + my loved ones to the risk of early death and further disability as the tradeoff for that.

i hope this wasn't too much for your inbox, and again, please don't feel like you have to answer this if you don't have time/energy/space, i hope your move is going well and that you're able to take some time for relaxation and rest!

Hey Anon,

I feel your pain, I really do. And I'm not going to try and pretend that the answer I'm about to give you is a fair or just one at all.

I have made peace with the reality that I cannot control what others do, I can only control my own decisions and actions. What this tends to end up looking like for me is making really careful, considered decisions about my own personal level of risk and protection, trying to utilize pritective mechanisms that I have control over like respirators and santization procedures, home and vehicle air filtration, etc.

Rather than trying to start new spaces from scratch, I have spent time slowly and gently pushing for stronger protective measures within the spaces that already exist and which I engage with. The more I get to know the people I'm collaborating with on projects, the more likely they are to be responsive when I point out that my safety is compromised by lack of COVID protective measures. By building off my relationships with people to make those asks, it feels more doable for people to accept them from me. People don't like making changes for strangers, but they'll often make much larger accommodations for people they know and have grown comfortable with.

I recognize that all of this puts the weight of accommodation on you, as the disabled person. And that isn't fair or right. I'm not answering this question based on what I think SHOULD be true, but rather based on what has been effective for me in the past. It sounds like you're someone who already puts a lot of energy into your efforts to engage with your community, so maybe having that energy be used in different ways will yield results that feel less exhausting to you.

I want to validate up front that this does sometimes mean missing out on events, campaigns, and projects I would otherwise have loved to be a part of because I can't always justify the exposure risks. It also means sometimes having difficult conversations with people I know who have different value judgements about COVID precautions. It can be important to be honest with yourself about your level of risk, your realistic amount of control over that risk, and how much you want to let those factors influence and restrict your life.

We're all human, and we need community as much as anything else in our life. It can be exhausting and alienating to constantly feel as though the world is an unsafe place for you to exist. Unfortunately, sometimes the only remedy to that is to stubbornly insist on existing with love and fire and persistence.

[liar-remastered-2011]

sometimes i think about how my biological father was half the age of my mother and she was friends with his brother so she was well-acquainted with him before he was 18 and how she already had three other kids and he left before i was born so i was given up for adoption and my mother insisted i was given to a catholic family who would raise me to follow religion and my adopted parents were only adopting because they tried for a decade or so to have children but the mother was deemed infertile but after i was adopted they had a biological child about a year later which means their attention was turned from me to them and i ended up physically and emotionally neglected throughout my childhood and infancy because they developed a stronger connection to their biological child and i developed personality and attachment disorders because the people in my life i was supposed to be able to trust betrayed me in ways i can't talk about and didn't form a reliable sense of selfhood because i was always held to higher standards than my sister and they forced me into their religion even though i never expressed any belief or interest and they'd hit and berate me whenever i thought or did something they didn't approve of and there's no way of telling if it was myself or their pushing that got me deemed a gifted kid but that set the expectations for my entire life even though i really can't live up to it anymore but anyways somehow they thought it was okay to give me unrestricted internet access before i was in school and the internet became the only place i could figure out who i was in a sense and that was where i learned everything i know about the real world but there's some things you really shouldn't know and if you're exposed to it at a really young age it does irreversible damage to your development and it happened to me and it's happened to thousands of other people too and i was one of the kids who didn't get help and by the time i was taken to therapy as a teenager it was already too late and at that point i'd developed OSDD stemming from the lack of selfhood which was a complication of CPTSD as well as various other mental issues and i was put on dozens of medications over the course of the remaining years of teenagehood which restricted all further physical and sexual development essentially fucking over the remaining potential that i had and they wrote reports to CPS multiple times but nothing was ever done and the worst part about it all is that they keep trying to kick me out of the house but they chose me. they chose me. i was adopted, they chose me. and they want me gone because i didn't turn out how they expected. i was a child. i did nothing wrong. and i'm being punished for things that they did.

and i also think about since i'm physically and mentally disabled i'll never be able to work a normal job but i can't live off disability and i'm not even getting that at the moment and my parents don't support me and i have no other family or friends i can go to and i still need to transition but i'll never afford it and life isn't even worth living and i'm beginning to doubt it ever was and i wish i would have killed myself when i had the chance all those years ago and i hope someday soon i'll have another opportunity but the human body is surprisingly durable and i'm not about to go do anything reckless that doesn't have a high chance of killing me instantly so that severely limits my options

it's not like this is the full story, either. i can't remember all of it. memories come and go and i can't tell what i remember until i try to talk about it, but then it doesn't make sense since i leave out important details. i know some of the most significant events are left out, but i can't remember what they are. i know i'll remember later. i've cried about it before, and i will in the future, and i'm crying right now even though i don't know why. i wish i could talk about it, but i can't even tell my therapist. how do i know you won't use it against me. you'll treat me differently. i just want to be normal. please treat me like normal.