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solardick · 9 months ago

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Uh. The Vatican has its own country of 500 people.

India 1,4 billion. China 1.4 billion. Canada. 38 million.

So what came first, the chiken or the egg? It’s so odd. Create the image, influences then come to being. … how does that work?… at any rate, the card works. Works as a powerful transmuted christian image. Helpd to pull the carnivorous nature of reptiles, dinosaurs and monsters into a positive momentum. Bearing semblance to magestic creators. Fear in knowing the dangers of its rebuke. If thats not too harsh of a word. Not knowing the still pressence of what should be radiating light. Warm rays of sunshine on a cool departure. Intimidation. Engagement is perplexing.

This card placed ontop of the deck. Centerd between the two 5’s of ten. The pope raising its hand. Two fingers to the sun. Pointing up about to infinity. Save that it can replace the pope card. Breaking out a barrier. balancing the equation between sexes.

Adds definition to strength as harmony. Clashes horrendously with waites magician. Belittling the serpent as a belt to hold up his pants with. Is that its purpose? Well people back then were fucked. Thats the generation that started ww 1 and 2….

It becomes the center card of the deck layout. And the pope card doesnt lose any signicance as it is p’aced above on a spot on high. A throne. Which he is clear’y occupying.

Anyway the two infinity cards from the tarot become the parents to the serpent. Showing the emperor’s holy lineage. Ideally the devil card 15 from tarot modified to the likness of the serpent shows from what the empress is descended from.

Connected to my personalize oO death card numbering 15 connects it again to the sex. Symbolizing that wanting inrush of potency towards the creation of kin. Or to what id expect it to be in reality. Those glowing red cheeks. Mmmnn. Theres nothing more beautiful.

So i was watching some gay porn just the other day and, i felt bad for the bitch. Poor guy. So i went and jerked off to a hot russian getting banged in a sports bar toilet stall.

Well think im just going to start smoking whole cigarettes now and stop ripping them in half, so the girl has less reason to swoon over me. Hate being psychic like that. Since her nature is like that. She locks on to a small detail of something that isnt up to standard or whatever and goes obsessive. Seek and destroy based on her own delusional egotistic set. But. Everything i do is wrong and over agrandized. Its like they all pretend to be my mother. While others do the same. Its on’y a problem if its coming from me. Hows its always been. Time to eeupt. Hurt me some more. Whole other around do worse. Yup. Thats life.

Oh no i no i daid atupid. Time to start freaking the fuck out in bits of over energized destruction! « Hey mom can we” ehat! I said can we…? What?! I said can we? Ehat?! I dont understand you! Blag blah blah. Ok start beating in my face. Sorry i suggested soemthig helpful and posiitve. Oh well, guessnom never talking to you again even ifbit was a life of seath situation. You would listen anyway. Just beat on me some more. While playing to good christian. To all the girls and boys. Fuck off.

Not allowed to escape that reality by the maneuverings of other people. Im here for the sole purpose of being fucked. Laways was. There is no such thing as justice in life. Only punishment. Theres bothign to learn in life except not to try. “Shouldn’t we try to fix this family? Maybe go see a family therapist?” Oh yeah right. No one else cares. You wouldnt even send me to thearapy to save my life. Why did i try?

Your all fucken dead to me. The only differenve i dont go out of my way to fuck your lives. And gere i am 39 years later still being raped by existance. Its all its ever been. Nothing to learn. No wag to grow. Just the same bs from others. The way its alway been. I do t want to be alive anymore. All life does is fuck with me by criminal minds. Unyilnyou lose your sanity and then get fucked some more vause theres actually a good excuse this time. Hahahahahha the world Always sides with evil. There’s noyhing in life for me and theres nothing to do. Dint really have much choice in the matter, being abused into suicide.

While i spend my days serounded by the corrupt, the criminal, the degenerates, the effeminate, the violent and the brains washed gay’s. God forbid if i rather not spend soemtime with members the opposite sex or the proactive masculine.

Now excuse i have to go get high for breakfast and waste the day. Its ok. Im used to it. 25 years and counting. And excuse me if i have flair ups soemtimes. Its alot of pressure. While i wait for yhe first aid training and possibly the organization of health and saftey. After all i may need to save your fucken lives one day. Yay!

A wise serpent without a dove isn’t very gentel now is it?

What?! Sorry i capuld hear you you spoke at the same time as the crows. All i heard was “Caw! Caw! Caw!” Oh, we’re going to be partnering up? Awh…… no. Considering you’re relying on a drug dealer to drive you home everyday. And thats the guy i get paired with. Well either that of the “dipshit” as everyone calls them. Talking about gays and dildos, and sagitarian rape court case and a pimp civic under various trafgic violations whom doesnt take working seriously? Uhm. The gay guy, the criminal, or the combination of the two? Uhm, well, i lose. While i get sexually harassed by a “22” year old whith a similar sounding name as the lygbbq organization that continued suggestion i was a cocksucker after i repeatedly asked her to stop. Durring 2022… ok. Sure why not. What door number is that. The exit door number 22? What is that the fireextinguisher convineently olaced next to the males washroom? Exinguisher number what? 22? What? My ninimum credit payment is what? 22? At the same time as they pulled this shit? Ok.

Am i supposed to learn somethign here? Or is my spyche getting drastically raped by evil? What card is number 22? Nothing by the tarot. Maybe the fool. Maybe the world card. Maybe that magically missing number 22. In the typewritter its thr star card. A naked woman pooring out the spirit. The bestowment of a hope to meet the dream. Passivity to the reception from the collective.

Im not allowed to have a life free from captivity and malicious influences. Why try? I literally don’t know anything else. They’r eproba ly just framing me up to spend the second half of my life in prison.

Om now the small buzz in bottoming and i think my coffe is wearing out. Think i beed to go take a nap.

If one used the wheel. Thinking astrologically. As the twelve seasons. Then thr minor arcana would all occupy a quarter season. The four A-1’s place in the center of the circle facing out. On yhe wheel. One is traveling up. While the current is pulling down faster then one can move. Is consistent the lunar/solar cross sections with that of a serpent. While one swims agaisnt the current, one will only slow the final destination. Until one circles around the circle to the last quarter of fears and dreads, now helplessly trying to swim away from it. Creating this complex based upon repression of lies and delusions as the explanation. To the coming fate. I hate astrology. A fear. And the will to not accept whats (not really) inevitable. Give in to the lie. For when one passes that descendant point the half way. One tries to swim for that balance. Towards the 6th card of the lovers. But, its a lost cause. While one is helplessly being pulled away from it.

… the right side of the circle is comprised of the wands to swords. The left side coins to cups. The angles are A’s and each zodiac house is assigned three cards. The semi-square angle holds a conflict card. The left side of the circle is the individual. Number one. He is surrounded by life affirming cards and accomplishments hard work and discipline. And the bounty of a happy home life is where it ends. One can rise to career or descend to the self and family. Resources ideals, dreams accomplished. On the right side of the chart is all the bad. A relationship to bs. Starts with a desire to leave home. See the world have fun with friends. And where one has to pay the penalty for being alive. It’s pretty depressing. As all things tarot. Which is here shown by the split natures of white and black both cancer and Capricorn share.

Maybe since there’s already an arian plan in opperation all future arians are forced down and oppressed from any divergence. Which isnt set and bound for them to attend. Mostly its just a trophy. Good’lad heres a loolly pop. There’s only death and sorrow if you go any further. Better save it for the militant going on and beyond the capricorn point. To death and war.

So when doing a reading with the minor. Its best to see where in the zodiac it is placed and see what planets are aspecting those degrees. The self then has an added layer of information that isnt neccesarly allocated to “fate”. One then takes the major arcana and plug in the proper card to the appropriete number based on cyclic repetition. Thats what a circle is. The only problem here is that circles are only found in nature in the form of pulses. A ripple in water. The ring of a tree. Its never singular. Beyond that of the sun and the moon. Or a bubble. Circles are never still. Always in motion. Growing outward until it fades. Relying on that drop in its center.

Now the minor arcana is paired to a planet and to a major arcana. Precision grows more clear. Complexity adds reaction. And the star card always fallows the threat, and violence. Which may lead into a world of metal illnesses. As the child tries to distract it’s attention into something else, for the violence goes counter to its well being. Creating a world of delusions and retractions from the world. Adopting a passivity to action. And further reception to something more pleasing. It being a dream. These conditioned dreams based from the collective reception of information, all gets poured into the same cup. There’s no segregation, no separation. One becomes what it is being fed. A desire to do good. And a motivation to be receptive. Like i said. Theres nothign to learn in life. There’s just punishment. Fromoutsode violebce while it being twisted as an echo to be villainized by. Where the origin of the destructive acts take a place of innocence. On and on. From time memorial. Do now the next moon card comes in and the one is screaming at the world. Causing a ruckus. Howling at the moon. To be futher punished by the “good”. Or to praying to god for salvation, or getting shitfaced drunk or using other intoxicants. Which are made abundant and always is easy reach. From time memorial. Cant even be int he seclusion of solitude. Without it. Sorry mom i’m smoking my brothers pot i found hidden behind my poster. In the same room im forces to share with him. Eith this dominant pluto opposition aspect. Fun fun. And well the world as shown me profusly that im just a bitch. Nothigs changed.

What i got an attitude problem needing correction?! No thats ok. Ill a nother beating after they just jumpednon my face. Ok. Sire why not.

Hey! Ho. Stop tellign at your daughter! Your other one detaching from reality right noe becaus eof it. No! I font want to sleep woth you. You have a boyfriend. Fuck off. Stop insisting.

God dames women stop being sexually suggestive! Im trying to socialize jesus! If i wanted to see you naked id just go watch some poor they’re way hotter than you. And if that was the case. I aint no single stand. Cant sleep eoth you even if i wanted to if i don’tt know what im dicking. Kind of hard to enjoy. Maybe the lesson here , Is that i should. Hey stranger. You got a pretty mouth. Wanna fuck? Why you making it sexual for. Now im turned off.

It’s fun to play with power words like this.

God

The son the father and the Holy Ghost.

Draw out the chariot! Move!

Careful what you eat.

-I expect there to be a top qualité Asian movie involving a dove and a dragon coming out. Hopefully it won’t be toO fif.

And thé on l’y appropriate letter to assign to infinity is temperance. Letter R. Not of it directly. But as the minusculed r. Becoming EFr. But this is a new area for me. So I don’ know. The minuscule R serves quite well as temperance’s white dove wings.

DEF as mother, son and father. As the 0-5 card speaks for itself. Def., equals absolute. A definite act. From nothign. O. If one extends on this the holy ghost as the emperors foundation is balances by the empresses dragon/devil card.

As E moves into F. F moves into the equalavent of a capitalized minuscule sembling letter r. Above and beyond that, one finds a straight line. Resembling the capital i as the sun and the minusculed L of the hermit. Or as the number 1 and another journey.

I cleaned her up, coloured her in and her prettier her’d up while, she did the laundry. 14-18

Though it becomes curious when one stops and writes. BRP and again it shows symbolism in motion.

- Doesn't this card just say R. The mirrored angle for the water is neat.

Chicken and the egg and all that. Temperance. On the study of letters.

#tarot #qwerty #tarotblr

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hobilluvvr · 4 years ago

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lost ocean troubles | 2

college au! sub!armin x dom!reader

words - 2.7k

warnings - vomit, blood, mentions of abuse , injuries

parts - |

so incredibly sorry for this late update but testing season is approaching and I need to study sadly :/ this part is very rough with spelling errors and grammar but will be revised later !

please enjoy this update and constructive criticism is always welcomed :D . If you want to be added to the tag list please don’t hesitate to ask !

taglist - @haikyoonn @kenmas-nintendoswitch

The flowers had this magnificent pale blue color to them, the sun hitting them just at the right angle and the sage leaves accented the stem, the weight of the beautiful petals making the stem slightly wilt downwards .

this piqued armins interest, so much so that he walked towards them , feet trudding against the soft sand. As he comes close the overwhelming smell of coconut with a hint of sea saltseasalt overwhelmes his senses, his nose srunching up in question, the scent resembling of clean linen,a quite odd observation , even more so for a flower .

Just as he reaches to pick the flower up, the sun all of the sudden blazes furiously, the rays bouncing everywhere and blinding armin, now groaning as he squirms in abrupt discomfort. His feet dig at the sand … or what was the sand… the feeling of plush fabric instead meeting his skin, surrounding his body in comfort and warmth.

Snuggling further into this random source of heat, the sudden realization hits him. His eyes open the tiniest bit and he stops for a moment … this isnt the beach… in fact he’s laying on a bed… an unknown bed

At this his body jolts upward and armin frantically looks around his surroundings, the white pillows and the grey blanket not correlating in his mind as his. ‘This isnt my room’ the panic quickly sets in, quickly throwing the blanket aside and standing up abruptly which proves to be a grave mistake as a headache and the urge to vomit surges up his throat.

He clutches his stomach as he runs to the bathroom ,quickly kneeling over the toilet, emptying the contents of his stomach, the acidity already making his throat burn angrily. The sound of quick footsteps echo the walls and he goes to turn his head towards the door when the second round of bile threatens to escape his throat.

His ingers clutch the toilet ,violently puking when a second presence is felt . armin feels someone kneel next to him and gently rub at his back

“Its okay , its okay ,let it all out “ you push his bangs away from his face while the other hand rubs at his back . armin lifts his head up ,groaning as he moves away from the toilet feeling his head throb way too violently.

You hand him the cup of water and pain killer you set down when you entered the bathroom

“Here take this, dont move too much . your head is most likely killing you” he takes the items and pops the pill in his mouth quickly downing it with the water. When he sets the cup down he looks at you ,eyes squinting, clearly confused

“Where am i ?”

You chuckle lightly, standing up and lean against the counter “you dont remember anything do you huh?” the boy sitting on the floor thinking ...

Suddenly armin visibly stiffens, his cheeks flushing “uh w-ww di-idnt do i-it ,rig-ght?” his eyes all of the sudden finding great interest on the floor tiles .

You give him a light smile and laugh even louder this time “no, no we didnt ,dont worry about that. Here cmon” you reach out a hand to lift him up off the floor

He takes your hand sheepishly ,shoulders relaxing in relief, his red cheeks calming down “ then what happened? Why am i here ?” he asks following you out of the bathroom and into the room.

You cringe at the events that happened the previous night and you wonder if you should tell him everything. You head over to your drawers and open them, turning your back to the stumbling boy “well you got extremely wasted and this creep saw that you were alone and he tried messing with you but i took care of it”

your hands clench harshly at the shirt you were holding thinking about the old fuck. God humans can be pieces of shit

“Oh.” armins bit his lip and he desperately tried to remember exactly what happened , your answer being quite vague , but this did nothing but make his head throb once again . wincing in pain he goes to lifts his hand up to hold his head when he notices the bandages around his wrists ‘what happened ?did i get injured ?’

After picking out what you needed , you turned to face him and you catch his line of sight , looking at his wrists . as if you heard what his thoughts you say “ the perv was being really aggressive towards you and he injured you quite badly but i brought you up to my apartment and fixed you up a bit “giving him a warm smile you hold out the clothes you had previously searched for

“ here , take this and clean your self up a bit then i can take you home, yeah ? you got a little bit of a stain forming on you “ you chuckle, head nodding towards the vomit on the shirt before walking out ,leaving him in the room alone

His eyes widen at your comment immediately rushing to the bathroom and sure enough his vomit is all over the shirt , the mirror reminding him of his earlier commotion . armin sighs in embarrassment ,blue eyes scanning his appearance, finally now knowing how much of a hot mess he looks like . he notices another bandage on his face, his cheek specifically , a bit of blood staining the white bandage along with another few scratches all over his face.

His finger traces around his facial injuries ‘wow, what exaclty happened last night ?’

He shakes his head , not wanting his head to pound again, instead just focusing his attention on the shirt you gave him noticing that it looks similar to the dirty one he is wearing currently.

‘Oh god …..dont tell me …. Im wearing her clothes ‘ the realization hits him and his ears turn an angry shade of red. ‘God how much more of a burden can he be to you ?’ he groans before closing the bathroom door

…

As soon as you close the door , your eyes land on a very dishevled eren leaving his room , hand shielding his squinting eyes away from the harsh sunlight “what happened ? i heard what sounded like someone vomiting” his morning voice rasping out, following you to the kitchen and sitting down on the kitchen bar stool

“Oh he woke up and well... , you know how hangovers are like “ you open the fridge , scanning the interior “wait why is the fridge empty ? i thought i told you it was your turn to go grocery shopping this time ? what happened ? “ you frown turning towards him, crossing your arms

Eren only yawns and stretches his body, not seeming to mind that you were glaring holes at him “dont you remember ? i couldnt go so you said we’d go together after we ate something yesterday but then you got too caught up fighting someone if i recall correctly ” he confidently said, fingers tapping at his chin , eyes meeting yours, glaring back.

You sigh giving up “ ahh yeah i remember now….” you take a quick glance around the kitchen and see nothing of nutritional value “ the hell are we going to eat then ? and why didnt you clean up the medical supplies from last night ?” you badger him looking at the medical supplies messily strewn all over the counter

Eren scrunches his face , hand running through his bedhair, still groggy from just waking up a few minutes ago “ we can always just doordash something” he picks up the bottle of rubbing alcohol remebering how you carried armin into the apartment when he passed out and set him on the couch leaving eren to tend to his wounds.

Just as armin was falling , passing out after just vomiting all over you , you quickly grab at his waist and preventing him from hitting his head on the floor . the stench of the vomit was awfully intense and you scrunch your nose trying to stop the smell from affecting you “ can you be any faster over there ? you tease seeing him struggle with the keys , his fumbling being weirdly endearing somehow

“Im trying , im trying. I swear this cold is messing me up or something “ he puffs out now fumbling with inserting the key right . you roll your eyes upon seeing this , giving a light chuckle before reaching a hand underneath the blonde boys legs and bringing them towards your chest, effectively lifting him up bridal style.

You walk into the apartment and set the boy softly onto the couch before looking down to the mess that your clothes are in , heading towards the bathroom “ hey eren could you patch him up for me ? i have to clean myself up before he’s not the only one with body fluids all over the floor.” you smirk

Eren scoffs “dont you go throwing up on me , you hear ? i just mopped the floors yesterday and im sure as hell not letting you mess my hard work up “ he hears your distant laugh down the hallway , before the sound of boots fade, leaving him alone with the boy

Eren looks at the boy slowly sliding down on the couch and ultimately sighs before going to the cabinet where all the medical supplies are stored. He opens it while lowly muttering “just cause my dad was a doctor and he taught me a few things doesnt mean i have to tend to everyones wounds “

Grabbing a few bandages and bandaids, and rubbing alcohol, he grabs a stool and places it in front of the boy. ‘Your injuries shouldnt be that bad ‘ he thinks before he lifts the boy and positions him upright. Immediately the sight of scarce blood and vomit greets erens eyes . eren winces in slight sympathy and disgust before he wipes armins face clean with the cloth he has in hand and disinfecting the wounds next

The rubbing alcohol stirred a reaction out of the blonde boy seeing as he squirmed in discomfort , the position he was put in faltering, falling into the nearest thing, which so happened to be erens chest, more specifically his neck

Eren was flustered ,not knowing what to do he freezes , his ears turning red upon feeling the shallow breath of the boy on, his sensitive neck . Eren looks down and he admires the peaceful features on the petite boy .’he looks so peaceful, pretty even ‘ eren stares for a bit before he snaps out of it and pushes the boy off his chest , tending to his wounds , doing what he first came to do.

“ i left the supplies out because i knew i would have to tend to your wounds too “ he gets up , walking to the other side of the bar, heading where you are

You squint your eyes in visible confusion “ my wounds ? what are you talking about ?” he scoffs rolling his eyes, “dont play dumb with me , you beat up someone to a bloody pulp and dont expect any damage to your hands, more specifically your damn knuckles ? “

He reaches down, grabbing your hand and lifting them up as to make a point “look at this “ you look down towards your hand and the sight of multi colored bruises,blood and even some open skin greets you.

“ you didnt let me tend to them yesterday so let me do it now “ you meet eyes and his are practically pleading you, but before you get to open your mouth to say anything, you hear rustling and you look behind eren to see what it is .

Armin is awkwardly standing there in the living room, the clean shirt you gave him reaching his knees , and the sweatpants a bit too baggy . you have to physically stop yourself from cooing , the sight being way too adorable for you to handle this early in the morning

Eren senses his presence as well , turning around , both of you guys forgetting about your previous conversation . you clear your throat, sensing some sort of tension in the room “ hey youre finally out ! i was going to make you something to eat but turns out the fridge is empty “ you rub your neck sheepishly , making a mental note to go grocery shopping asap .

Armins eyes widen at this , his hands extending and quickly shaking “ oh no no , please you dont have to, i dont want to be more of a bother than i already am ,” he shyly looks down at the floor , swinging his body , slightly nervous

You smile seeing his cute habit of not making eye contact, fetching your car keys off the wall “ well i bet youre missing your home right ? i can drive you home now if you want “ you also grab the plastic bag off the floor by the corridor

Armin seems to stiffen again , eren now chuckling , his hands stuffed in his sweatpants , noticing how the blonde boy seems way to nervous around you guys . armin looks at eren momentarily before he looks at the floor again ‘ how the hell do you guys look so good this early in the morning ‘ he thinks ‘ meanwhile here he is looking all messed up ‘

“I actually dont live too far away, i can walk home by myself “ armin lies straight out of his teeth , clearly not doing it well judging by the look of your face . youre not convinced seeing as the whole reason why he’s here in the first place was because he was wandering alone.

“ id feel much better knowing that someone is walking you home , i dont want a repeat of what happened yesterday .” you bite your lip, now staring more intensely at the boy in front of you

Armin mentally groans ‘ damn you and your kindness, why cant you get the hint that he doesnt want to hassle you any longer ?’

“Well um … “ he pauses, intensely thinking of a solution that doesnt involve him burdening you guys any further when he hears some shuffling and then someone handing a phone to him. Armin looks up and green eyes stare back at him

“Do you have anyone you can call ? a friend maybe to come pick you up ? “ eren suggests , reading right through the boy

“ o-oh y-yes i do umm thank you , for your phone i mean “ armin scrambles to take the phone and calls his roommate , knowing for sure she is freaking out about his whereabouts

He hands the phone back to eren and shuffles his feet “ luckily she is around the area and can pick me up in 5 minutes , i can wait outside …” you ponder for a second at this suggestions , before ultimately nodding

“Yeah sounds like a solid plan , okay , here take this bag before you head out “ you hand it over and armin looks at you and tilts his head slightly “ its your clothes from last night , i washed them and folded them , oh and your bag is also inside “ you explain while he peeks at the contents inside grief striking his face

‘How much exaclty did you do for him , he’s the worst guest ever in history , throwing up all over your bathroom ‘ he cringes at the thought. He's definitely gonna think about this experience at night,when he reminisces about all the embarrassing moments he's had in his lifetime

“Thank you guys so much for all youve done , i really do appreciate it “ armin rubs at his nape laughing out softly “ well i should get going “ he goes to the entrance, hand on the knob

“Yeah absolutely no problem , take care pretty boy ! “ you say waving , smiling brightly when you see his cheeks flush once more , eren just nodding goodbye . he waves a small goodbye before leaving , closing the door gently . sighing in relief when he got out.

Armin walks out into the street and sure enough there is his roommate , waiting and the look on her face looks not so pleasantly happy .he knows what is going to happen. he opens the car door ready to hear her badgering soon enough

“Look , mikasa , i can ex-” not so shortly as he begins his sentence, she yells out

“WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOUVE BEEN ? DO YOU KNOW HOW WORRIED SICK I WAS WHEN YOU DIDNT PICK UP MY MANY PHONE CALLS ? ARE THOSE BANDAGES IM SEEING? “ armin winced at her reprimations, slowly sinking further into the passenger seat as she kept rambling, knowing that he has to face her wrath for the whole drive home .

he still has no clue as to what exactly happened last night, the only thing he can do is hope his memories would come back soon and clear up his many questions

#sub eren jaegar #sub!armin #sub aot #sub!aot #armin arlert #sub! eren #armin fic #sub eren #sub armin

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teddieh · 4 years ago

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Random DBZ BF Hc’s.

Some Hc’s I had for your relationship with some of the DBZ boys. Includes Random bf headcanons for Trunks, Future Trunks, Goten, Gohan, Vegeta, and Goku. Enjoy y’all! It’s Under the cut.

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Future Trunks

(LOML!!!)

Sweetheart, but also serious and polite

Probably a shy baby at first

Lots of blushing and smiling and nervous laughs

Wants to hold your hand.

Clears his throat and doesnt even try to be smooth about it "uh.. Can I, hold your hand?"

Obviously you say yes and you can visibly see his heart jump in his throat but he's so damn happy.

Analytical, and from the world he’s grown up in, obviously has some PTSD. You help him pick up some other hobbies besides fighting, and one thing he takes a liking to is woodcarving, and a bit of gardening.

Gardening because it gets to restore the world a little bit, another thing he can feel proud of.

Woodcarving lets him work with his hands, gives him something to do and create. He enjoys it and makes little hummingbirds for you and his mother.

Enough shit has happened in his lifetime that he can be a tid bit overprotective of you sometimes, but he means well.

Like he doesn’t want you to go out alone if you don’t have to but he knows you’re strong (still wants to go with you though).

This boy loves his convenience store bento, and after you found that out (and obviously didn’t like him eating constant junkfood) you made him some yourself, and just packed it in one of the old containers. He loved it. Honeybun was speechless.

Has a hard time remembering dates but he can ballpark it.

"Happy anniversary, here. I made you this."

"Aww! Trunks! Thank you! It’s not until next monday though."

Cue blushy cheeks and grumbled “shoot, I thought I got it right this year.” you smile and kiss his cheek and take the sweet carved bunny anyway. He was close, and you can celebrate a week early.

Lmao you never have to fix your own car. I hc this boy is a bit of a tech nut because of his mom.

Mama’s boy but Bulma loves your ass too and she’s happy to see he’s found someone

You two meditate sometimes together. Its calming.

You go with him sometimes to Gohan’s grave to catch up. You squeeze his hand when you’re there and just let him talk.

You pay your respects to Gohan too and thank him for all he’d done to help him get to where he is today.

Trunks

Big Brain Big D--

Somewhat snarky sarcastic of a tease boyfriend

Lowkey fratboy vibes. Like- almost fuckboy but he’s actually not.

People throw themselves at him because he’s rich and good looking. He’s not gonna say no but he’s also not really putting his heart into it. And he lets the people know up front. He always takes them on a date first, though.

But once he does get a girlfriend? Oof. Spoiled. Like not rotten but if he sees your purse is coming apart? He shows up with a new one for you. See’s your kitchenware is plastic? No baby we use glass in this house. Why don’t you have a toilet seat cover to match the shower curtain?!

Can cook, no worries. Despite the fact he grew up lavish Bulma always took the time to cook with him and his little sister. Bonding time. (Vegeta watched angrily from the doorway but he enjoyed his family time. He won't tell you that tho)

Also a tech nut. Will fix simple things on your car but ultimately just tells the mechanic what's wrong and hands him the parts he needs to fix it.

Couples outfits, couples outfits, couples outfits

Trunks will not let you out the door lookin’ like a raggedy Ann doll (sorry boo he’s pickin your clothes)

Says he loves scary movies and will watch them with you but the jumpscares def get him.

You’ll feel his chest tense against your back but he tries to act all cool and collected (you’re holding hands anyway)

Knows a multitude of card tricks and likes to play games with you, both video and board.

Will laugh at you, and will snort and tease and playfully push your buttons. You beat him with a pillow because he’s naturally just really good at these games but you feel it in your soul that he’s cheating somehow!!

A flirt. Will tease you. Don’t know who told you otherwise.

Cocky, but not obnoxiously so. He’s matured over the years. But, don’t be fooled. He’s hot and he knows it and he gets an ego boost from it. He’s got some of his mom and his dad in him and he’s very proud and confident in himself and his abilities.

Smart as hell, just like his mother. His science and technology skills are through the roof.

He makes you a cute little robot dog to remind you of him when he’s gone.

“Babe! Where’s Snookums?”

Trunks appears in the doorway, leaning against the wall frame smirking. “I’m right here, you don’t have to yell so loud.”

You roll your eyes and laugh. “I thought your ego grew so big it overpowered your hearing. I don’t want you, you ass, I want my dog!”

You throw your pillow at his face and Trunks huffs softly as it hits him and grabs it. He smiles.

“I’m doing some repairs on him. Speaking of my ass though..I think its getting a little lonely?” he steps toward you and you squeal and push another pillow into his face as he lunges for you and you fall onto a heep on the bed.

Goten

FLUFFY

A playful boyfriend.

Also like a fratboy-- but the himbo. He’s a sweetie.

Always wants to tickle you

And cuddle

Wants to hold your hand

Loves to bbq

Probably also loves camping, and hiking. Outdoorsy stuff.

Prob does all the tiktok dances with you

Makes silly faces when you're down or trying to concentrate

Likes learning new things together as a couple. Like, will def try and learn to play an instrument together like drums or a guitar or something.

Even as a grown ass man he wants to make pillow forts.

You obviously, as a grown ass woman, want to make pillow forts. LOL

Packs up random picnics for you

Always willing to go on some adventure. Has a polaroid camera and you can’t convince me otherwise

Takes pictures of the two of you doing dumb shit, all the time. Ranging from silly faces

To you falling into the lake and dragging him down with you

Pictures of the two using two sticks to hold one marshmallow over the fire.

He’s got an album for you guys’ adventures and saves it for an anniversary present.

Like his dad, will eat you out of your home but will be sweet the entire time he’s doing it

Probably catch him with a whole fish shoved down his throat at midnight with the fridge wide open and his eyes wide.

…

“I couldn’t resist--!”

“At least close the fridge!”

Seems to really be in tune with your emotions somehow?

You’re crying because you’re overwhelmed and its midnight and Goten fucking yeets himself into your room with instant transmission (Yes he learned it from his dad.)

He’s got a container of your favorite icecream and some dumb comedy and he’s crawling into bed with you to spend the night.

Gohan

OKAY THIS LOVABLE NERD.

Perfect gentleman

Never forgets an anniversary

Does Not leave without giving you a kiss

Holds open doors for you and makes you walk on the inside part of the sidewalk (away from the street)

Will literally make (x,y) equations and plot the points to make your cute face on his graphics calculator (don’t @ me, you’re dating a smart man)

Loves museum dates, from the aquarium to the art museum to the planetarium this boy will go with you to them all

He’s very good at helping you balance your life between work and relaxation.

Is the type of boyfriend to listen to you talk about your day and rub your legs. It helps relax him too, honestly and winding down on the couch with you is one of his favorite parts of the day.

Will help you cook dinner, laughing together while cutting vegetables.

Late night deep talks about everything from astrology (to which Gohan knows much, he tells you how he used to look for his dad in the stars after the fiasco on Planet Namek) to what it feels like to grow up and basically have to be the father figure to your little brother.

Oh yeah, you have to ask Piccolo’s blessing (If you upset Gohan, Piccolo will find you. That's his son! TREAT THIS MAN RIGHT!)

Is a good cook, actually. Mostly the healthier foods, veggies and salads etc. Cooks good salmon in banana leaves

If anybody ever hurts you? He’s comin’ for that ass

Ya’ll saw what this man did, SSJ2? Videl’s Closing Call? Will put the moves on anybody who hurts you.

Even after you’ve dated for years, if you kiss his cheek suddenly they always turn a watermelon pink. It's cute, and you love it and him and tease him about it.

“Awwww! You’re so cutee! You still get red after three years?”

“H-hey! You surprised me..! What was I supposed to do?”

Vegeta

Ugh you annoy me but ill still hold your stupid hand, woman.

Drinks the milk straight from the carton

Is actually decent at cooking

Is kinda possessive but not.

Don't lay a hand on his girl

but try to flirt and with his girl and he'll smirk as you chew their heads off.

The type to grab your ass in public if someones looking at you.

Tsundere to the max

Loves you but emotions are hard and he doesn't know how to say it.

Will leave you a mug of coffee / tea / hot chocolate once he's calmed down in age. Will either deny it was him or "better not say i never did anything for you, woman."

Probably won’t hold your hand in public but will let you hug his arm. Grumbles about it but he loves it and you’re soft and you smell nice.

Can smell when you’re close to your cycle. Throws chocolate at you and cleans your heating pad.

Loves when you ask him to do things for you. Boosts his ego and his self confidence and he feels good for helping you. Will pretend it annoys him though.

Leaves weights around the house. The ones you wrap around your ankles and wrists? Yeah. You’ve stubbed your toe on them once or twice but after a yelling match you notice he gets better and being more organized.

His equipment stays in his gym after that (but he occasionally leaves it out because he lowkey likes some playful fighting)

If you don’t already know, he immediately teaches you some simple hand to hand combat. You need to know how to protect yourself and he’ll be damned if you don’t. (He also loves a woman who can kick his ass, either in intelligence or physically.)

Stubborn, but will go shopping with you.

Will tell you the truth if the clothes make you look fat.

Will help you find something that fits you better after he does.

“Woman you dragged me here for this?”

“Come on Gege! How’s this look on me?”

“Tch! How many times have I told you not to call me that?! It looks fine, woman! I’m ready to go. We’ve gotten enough of your perfumes and lotions, who needs so many?! For what!? You smell like a walking bath & body works!!”

“Aww, you know you love me. Plus, we can go to the buffet for dinner. Sounds good right?”

“Whatever. Get the damn pink gown too.”

Goku

Clueless asf

Never remembers an anniversary but makes for it with his goofy ass smile and spontaneous swooping you off your feet and flying off for a fishing trip or something that never fails to make you laugh.

Like the one time he was fishing and a fatass fish jumped out the water and tried to eat him, you watched him wrestle the fish and flop around like a dog in the mud. You laughed so hard your sides hurt.

Strong

Opens the pickle jars but bursts them in the process.

Doesn't care. Downs the pickles anyway. (juice and whole pickle in one gulp. This mans a beast.)

Will always let you know when you're running out of food.

Can't cook worth’a shit but will praise your cooking.

Only thing he does is throw a turkey leg over a fire and watch it roast

Oblivious sometimes (most times)

Will also tell you when clothes make you look fat, or not care at all because he thinks you’re beautiful overall.

Will let you walk outside with your wig on backwards and still tell you that you look like the tastiest ham he’s ever had (why the food compliments, Goku? Why?)

Likes to fly with you in his arms at midnight and takes you to some of the most beautiful landscapes just to watch the stars. It’s calming for him. And you wouldn’t think a man like him needs his peace but, he does.

Also will eat you out of your house in the middle of the night, like his son (where do you think Goten got it from?)

Will make a mess, literally, a pan tumbles out of the fridge and he catches it on his foot.

His cheeks stuffed with riceballs like a damn chipmunk but it didn’t make a sound so you don’t wake up. He tried to wash the dishes but he definitely got dishwater all over the floor.

Not the brightest, and not around much, but he does love you.

He really does show up with like, a patch of flowers he’d pulled out of the ground, weeds and all, and deadass stands at the end of your bed with a goofy ass grin.

“...Goku, where’d you get those?”

“Oh! I was on my way home and I helped an old woman get her cat and she sat me down for cookies! She made them! Snickerdoodle! She gave me two for you but uh..” he laughs and rubs the back of his head.

“I ate one. Anyway! She told me to get you some flowers from her garden to gift you for being late. She told me if I take it from below the root we can plant it. She tried to give me a shovel but” he shrugged his shoulders, crumbles of dirt falling onto your shared bedroom floor. Your eyes follow the movement.

“I didn’t need it! I just tugged them straight out! Do you like them?”

“...I- yeah they’re beautiful but. Babe-- lets put them in something so we don't get more dirt all over the floor?”

-------------- I hope ya’ll enjoyed these! I had a lot of fun writing them tbh.

#goku x reader #trunks x reader #future trunks x reader #goten x reader #gohan x reader #vegeta x reader #DBZ fluff #dbz x reader

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twilightofthe · 4 years ago

Note

What was your opinion of the Clovis arc? People I know either love it or hate it, no in between. I generally liked it but found it waayyy ooc.

Hey anon, thanks for the ask!!!!

AHSJFLSLALK OK SO UH. Wow. Clovis arc. Yiiiiiiikes ok so. I totally agree with you on the fandom divide and I also totally agree that everyone involved in it is rather OOC for my taste. That being said, that case of OOC is exactly why I personally do not like the arc that much at all.

(Please note that my following words are MY PERSONAL OPINIONS, and that anyone is free to disagree, in fact I welcome the discussion, and even if this is your favorite arc, please consider yourself welcome on my blog I hold nothing against those who might like it)

Part of me was gonna make a short and sweet point about how I don’t like that TCW has had both of its main female characters have unwanted kisses forced on them, and instead of teaching young girls watching to tell those kinds of people to fuck off and respect their bodies, we get: 1. Just let it happen, you both must kinda like each other anyway or 2. Stay still then sit back while your boyfriend beats him half to death

But actually turns out I wanted to spend all day writing an essay so now you get this. So far I’m gonna hit four points:

the show’s constant need for Vader foreshadowing sometimes tending to completely override Anakin’s current mindset and personality he should have at this point in the timeline as well as his preestablished characterization

the way TCW gave Anakin a giant dosage of toxic masculinity to try and please the pissy movie critics who didn’t like that he cried

the role of Padmé and how TCW tries to portray her as a “strong woman” by just having her constantly be irritated by and sometimes even look like she actively dislikes her husband while simultaneously have her act OOC so they can blame HER and her actions for Anakin’s reactions and anger and overall Fall

How I think this arc is not irredeemable and that with some fixes it could be done decently— decently, not well, because a lot of this arc’s problems are also due to preexisting writing choices throughout the show

(Ok whoops this turned into a half Clovis arc rant half entire TCW Anidala commentary)

So firstly I wanna start that yes, I am fully aware that TCW is meant to fill in the gaps between AOTC and ROTS and help explain why Anakin’s mindset in the final movie is what it is and justify his Fall. Of course we need to show some Vader foreshadowing throughout the series, and in some places it is executed very well, notably the Mortis arc, the Bad Batch arc, the Wrong Jedi arc, as well as others that I can’t cite off the top of my head currently because I might have a mild touch of heat exhaustion wooo I need to get off the beach.

But it also has some rather hamfisted Vader foreshadowing stuff too. Like, y’all know the fandom joke where it’s like “Anakin: *Accidentally Leaves The Toilet Seat Up*. The Background Music: *BLASTS the Imperial March*” but like, they actually really do that. Like the time where they have Anakin take out a terrorist about to blow up an entire ship full of people and then play the Imperial March afterwards and imply he’s a “cold-blooded killer” just to defend the moral purity of the two people who were gonna stand there and let the ship blow in the name of idealism.

I’m getting off topic but yeah, sometimes the show’s Vader foreshadowing makes sense, sometimes it’s pretty forced, and the Clovis arc DEFINITELY leans towards the forced side, and when they try to force more of Darth Vader into Anakin at a point where he shouldn’t quite be there yet, it screws with his entire character.

This is particularly shown in the majority of the show’s takes on Anakin’s relationship with Padmé. Namely, they tend to forget nearly the entirety of AOTC with the exception of the Tusken murder scene, then forget even more of ROTS up until the point where Anakin strangles her on Mustafar. Basically, they take the truth that it was Anakin’s unhealthy attachment to Padmé that sparked his Fall, but then they decide to run with it where almost every single interaction he has with her in the damn show is him being a toxic overbearing dick to her and her acting like she mildly tolerates him at most and definitely doesnt respect him as like, I guess a way of showing what happened on Mustafar is in character for them???? Ugh, I’ll explain further.

So with Anakin’s aggressive possessiveness towards her. We know Anakin has possession and attachment issues. We know he’s a clingy needy whiny anxious mess who’s constantly afraid of losing or driving away the few people he has pinned his entire happiness on. We know he leans unhealthily on Padmé to provide the majority of his emotional support. We know he’s convinced himself he can’t live without her. But never, NEVER is it seen in the movies where his possessiveness turns into outward aggression towards her or this douchey pushiness. Never does he treat her like his property, like she belongs to him.

Not until Mustafar.

Not until he’s raving, half out of his mind with the warring emotions over the atrocities he’s just committed, until he’s begging her to understand where he was coming from, begging her and the child to stay with him and justify his decision, until he sees Obi Wan and sees her backing away from him, leaving him, and he PANICS because oh no no no you can’t abandon me, I need you, doN’T YOU WALK AWAY FROM ME. And he lashes out and tries to force her to stay, punish her for leaving and doubting him, and he puts that hand around her throat.

And that is supposed to be when we know he’s crossed the line, when we’re supposed to be horrified, where we know he’s lost himself, because he has NEVER ACTED LIKE THAT BEFORE.

Now how does Anakin act before? In the movies? He’s deferential to Padmé in almost every other scene they’re in together.

In AOTC, yeah he stares at her a bit creepily from a distance, he says awkward things and does goofy stuff to impress her, but he does Not get in her face. The few times he does invade her space, she flat out tells him: stand back. Don’t look at me like that. Don’t say that. Don’t interrupt me. And Anakin always, always backs off, respects her wishes. He follows her lead and lets her call the shots both on Naboo when he’s supposed to be protecting her and when she organizes the Geonosis rescue and once they arrive where she flat out tells him “I’m a Senator, I’ll handle this, just back me up”, and he’s all but just “ok yes queen”.

But they aren’t married then. Fine, take ROTS. It’s a movie all about Anakin’s issues but even then, when he’s worried about Padmé dying, he tells her he’s worried and that he can’t lose her, but he still keeps a distance. He doesn’t constantly hover and loom over her. If anything, Padmé, both in ROTS and AOTC is always the one to approach Anakin and close the distance when there’s conflict. When Anakin is upset, he averts his eyes and distances himself, tries to draw in on himself and brood silently, and we’ve seen it in Palpatine sometimes (of course with bad motives but he still does), but Obi Wan and Padmé both especially needing to be the ones to come over, turn his face to them and be like “hey, look at me, I care about you, what’s wrong”. Padmé SAYS in ROTS when he’s feeling specifically conflicted about losing Padmé, “don’t shut me out” and has to come over to him because he’s retreated into a corner of the room to scowl angstily out the window. Anakin does NOT get overbearing and possessive of her or get in her face, not once in the films.

In the fucking show? The Clovis arc, while perhaps the worst offender, isn’t even close to being the first time Anakin has been overly pushy and aggressive with Padmé, or acting like she’s something he owns, From that time in the Senate Hostage ep where he’s bugging her about ditching work and all but acting like incels texting like “awww but babe my dick hurts :(”, from the FIRST Clovis disaster ep where he’s childishly trying to screw up Padmé’s mission, to the Clovis arc in season 6

And this is where they just roll right in with their “oh so Anakin’s an overbearing, entitled douche” bit with the interaction he has with Pads and he’s trying to talk her out of taking the Clovis assignment and he says something along the lines of “as your husband, I demand you don’t do this”.

Hwat. The Fuck.

What kind of caveman-esque, 1800’s-ass man of the house whom my wife must obediently serve kinda entitled-ass BULLSHIT?!?!?!?

Like, I’m sorry, I really am, but that is just completely out of left field and not like Anakin at all. I mean to the point that when he’s an evil Sith Lord trying to talk her into taking over the galaxy with him, EVEN THEN he does not include “Padmé you must join me because I’m your husband and you do as I say” sort of domineering assholerly.

Anakin does not push Padmé around. He does not TRY to assert authority over her or try and force her to do shit. Not only because she doesn’t put up with that kinda shit for a second, but because Anakin respects Padmé; he will treat her with respect. He always has, and sometimes like in this arc it really doesn’t feel like he does.

Now of course Padmé’s response to the “I own you” declaration is “fuck you, asshole, I do what I want” and doubling down on her decision, and then decides to go even harder on the mission if only to spite her douche husband (and we’ll get to Padmé’s characterization in a bit) which is a very different kind of Anidala conversation we see in the show as opposed to the movies (also discussed later).

Now, the reason for Anakin’s overbearing douchery ties directly into an overarching problem in TCW— honestly, one of the very few issues I have with this show, but the problem is that it touches nearly the entire thing —and that is they almost completely reworked Anakin’s personality to be more hyper-masculine alpha male.

This is a topic I’ve discussed on my blog before, but the gist is that in the movies, Anakin was not the typical male heroic protagonist and DEFINITELY not what people expected from Future Darth Vader The Masked Brutish Male Power Fantasy. He was awkward, he was shy, he was soft spoken, he was clumsy around the girl he liked, he was very openly romantic, he liked frolicking in fields and candlelit dinners and snuggling. Two of the most important people in his life were soft, feminine women and he openly loved them very dearly and very gently— and he deferred to them when he felt it was right, as I’ve mentioned before. He CRIED when he was upset and was messy and emotional. And fanboys hated this with a burning passion. They couldn’t project their power fantasy onto this!!!! The Anakin critics were a HUGE part of the mob who crucified the prequels to the point of chasing both Anakin actors practically out of the movie industry in general.

The Clone Wars writers were obviously petrified of this happening again. So their solution, as has always been Star Wars’s solution to hateful fans being upset about an innocent character, is to completely rework them, hide or retcon all the undesirable qualities, and act like everything was all fixed. Now don’t get me wrong, there are aspects of TCW Anakin that I adore. As I’ve also mentioned before, they got his humor, his cleverness, his eagerness to do the right thing, to help people, his relationship with Obi Wan and Ahsoka and his men, they got that all perfectly. But the rest??? TCW’s solution to the criticism of Movie!Anakin was to turn him into an agressive, dominant, violent shadow of everything “soft” he was in the movie

Now, he speaks loudly and more deeply. Now, he’s cocky and overconfident and while yes he was arrogant in the movies, now it’s dialed up to like an 11. He never cries, never even THINKS to show a negative emotion that’s not Manly Rage And Aggression(TM). And then there’s the way he is around the women in his life. No more awkwardness or shyness, now he makes jokes about being a “ladies man” and does whatever the fuck flirting he does with Miraj Scintel even though the Anakin from the movies would have needed like every scrap of his self control just to look at her without insta-murdering her face. And then there’s how he is with Ahsoka and Padmé. He is muuuuch more of a loud brash dudebro around them who pushes his weight and is kind of controlling and their solution is just to have the both of them be Strong Women(TM) who Fight Back whenever he tries it too hard with them.

With Ahsoka, it’s not too bad because it’s a brand new dynamic and she’s a rather agressive firecracker personality herself when we first meet her, so the constant Snips n’ Skyguy snipefest works for them. For Padmé? It just means that in far too many episodes they’re in there’s a point where Anakin says something Eh and Padmé gets mildly irritated to actually annoyed with him for it and she’ll talk down to him and then there’s an argument between them because he’s bullheaded and she’s a Strong Woman. Why do I consider these out of character?

In the movies, despite the flaws, Anidala is a couple who actually tries to communicate. Anakin feels open to speak about his troubles to Padmé and her to him (for the most part, she definitely has a savior complex and a tendency to squash her own shit so she can help deal with both Anakin’s and the galaxy’s at large) when they’re worried or concerned about something and they want to talk it out, so they’ll talk it out!

The problem with Anidala isn’t that they don’t communicate, it’s that they try but also only do it by halves because they hate fighting. They’ll talk, Anakin will say something that Padmé might disagree with— the fascism discussion in the Naboo field in AOTC, the question of whether the Republic is just or not in TPM —and she’ll try and correct him if she feels he’ll listen, but if he doubles down, she’ll go “ok you know what, agree to disagree, let’s not fight” and she subtly changes the subject because she hates fighting with him. If Pads says something Ani doesn’t like— telling Obi Wan about them in ROTS, some emotional advice she tries to give in both movies —he’ll flat out shut down and be like “I don’t want to talk about this, let’s drop it” and then seek out cuddles or affection as a distraction.

And that brings us back to the Clovis arc. The scene where the “as your husband” line occurs. Anakin is trying to talk Padmé out of doing this not because he’s jealous. Maybe he was jealous the first time he met Clovis and saw Padmé being all cute n’ fond with her old flame, but this time it seems almost entirely because last time ended in catastrophe and he’s genuinely worried for Padmé and feels she’s not thinking wisely, that she’s putting herself in danger.

However, Anakin is deciding to voice these concerns in Possessive Dudebro Pushing because of the aforementioned misguided Vader Foreshadowing and Toxic Masculinity. Padmé? Is not even CONSIDERING what he has to say, is just breezing on through and shutting him down at every turn and generally acting like he’s a dumbass who doesn’t have a clue about anything.

Now, it is very in character for Padmé Amidala to be all “I’m right, you��re wrong, fuck you don’t get in my way”. HOWEVER, they aren’t framing this as solely Padmé having a goal and bulldozing her way through the situation. That’s not how they frame this.

They frame this as: Padmé is embarrassed that she misjudged the situation wrong the last time and embarrassed even further that Anakin had to step in and get her out of trouble— which he brings up —and probably remembers that he made fun of her while he did it—

(Timing out to say that THAT scene was also OOC; they once more wanted a Vader parallel what with Anakin’s silhouette when he opens her cell door and the way Padmé’s sleeping pose is identical to Leia’s in ANH. But Anakin basically steps in and gives her this condescending-ass “awww the little wife’s gotten in over her head like I SAID she would, good thing I’m here to rescue her!” bit that’s really just MEAN. It’s not like him and Obi Wan’s/Ahsoka’s teasing snark whenever they have to pull each out of trouble, he’s just kicking her while she’s already down. Really, Anakin’s reaction should have been a lot less humorous and a lot more pissy; she didn’t listen to him, didn’t trust him, and ended up in danger because of it. It’d be a surly and upset “I told you so”, not an amused one.)

—and now it seems much more like Padmé is solely taking this assignment to spite Anakin for being a dick and to pettily prove that she knows what she’s doing rather than any sense or urge to do the right thing. And....... childish pettiness????? Is not Padmé. And yet, she has the entire immature “don’t tell me what to DO, Anakin” attitude this whole arc that amounts to WAY more than just the normal response she would have to his overcontrolling dickishness

And once again, it’s because she, like everyone else in the episode, seems to think the problem Anakin has is that he’s jealous of Clovis. He’s not, not really. He’s insecure, yes, but he also knows Clovis is a bag of dicks as well, and trusts that Padmé knows she’s better than that. His problem isn’t fears he’ll lose Padmé, it is entirely that Padmé isn’t listening to his concerns, doesn’t trust him, is going into a situation they both know is unwise, and he is frustrated he’s not in a position where he can look out for her since he feels she’s not looking out for herself. And, he’s not entirely wrong. Padmé IS being reckless and kind of irrational solely to prove a point. He just goes about it pretty much entirely the wrong way, which is what you can really say is the cause and effect formula for any problem Anakin Skywalker encounters and subsequently makes worse.

And then there’s That Scene. The one where Clovis tries to force a kiss on Padmé and Anakin freaks and almost kills him for it. I’ll start off by quoting another Tumblr user on that very scene by saying in regards to Clovis: “that bitch deserved that”. The almost murder? Maybe not that far, but the initial hitting for disrespecting someone’s “no”? Yep, that was deserved.

My first criticism is that Anakin shouldn’t have even had time to attack him because why the fuck wasn’t Padmé instantly kneeing him in the balls?!?! Like Padmé is not prone to violence immediately, no, but she can will and does defend herself immediately when she needs to— her right punch knocked someone tf out once when she was pissed —and she already gave him a warning that his advances were not welcomed.

Now, I am absolutely not victim blaming. I am NOT saying it is the fault of a woman (I’d be a hypocrite if I did and that’s all I’ll say on THAT), or of anyone when faced with sexual harassment, if they don’t fight back for whatever reason, no matter how capable of doing so they may be. What I’m saying is that considering her previous behavior and personality and the fact that the show NEVER goes deep enough into explaining heavy stuff like why victims might freeze or NOT fight back when faced with harassment, I feel like showing her not attempting to defend herself at all is kinda strange.

Now, Padmé’s utter passiveness to the situation aside, we’re going back into toxic masculinity and misunderstood interpretations of how Anakin displays possession. While I’ll repeat that Clovis deserved consequences for the forced kiss, Anakin going full caveman defending his property jealous rage just. Doesn’t feel right to me. Again, I think Anakin would probs hit him and put the fear of living god into him, maybe even I’d buy the attempted murder if they framed it as Anakin doing it because he hates those who force their will on others and disrespect women, but the whole that’s MY wife and you’re touching her shite just once more feels alpha male aggressive ridiculousness. Like again, I understand Anakin is possessive of Padmé, but not like this. I’m sorry, but I just cannot see that, him fighting over her like she’s a scrap of meat.

Like, I completely think she’s in the right tho to put them on a break after he does it though. That’s well within her right.

But then onto the FINAL part where after Clovis goofs and fucks them all over and then dies, she forgives him and blames herself for everything and apologizes. And like, that part I do see as in canon and character for her and for Anakin. He doesn’t like to admit his mistakes, her mistakes weigh on her and when she fails to fix or save someone, she falls into depression and upset and self-blame.

But the fact that Clovis died because Anakin dropped him? Anakin Skywalker, who scaled an entire elevator shaft carrying two people over his back who combined probs weighed more than Padmé and Clovis. Anakin Skywalker, who’s used the Force to lift tons of debris, who’s used it to hold back explosions, Anakin Skywalker, MOST POWERFUL FORCE USER IN HISTORY WHO TENDS TO RELY ON BRUTE STRENGTH FOR MOST SHIT ANYWAY. That Anakin couldn’t pull two people over a ledge?!?!?!?!? This has always bothered me.

Like to be honest; I feel this entire episode could have been so fixable too. Like keep Anakin’s obsessive worry over Padmé making a mistake, keep the best part of the arc which is his talk with Obi Wan where Obi Wan tries to connect with him and explain that he’s not alone, all Jedi have emotional struggles and have loved, if perhaps he wants to TALK to someone about it, Obi Wan is here for him, like that? That’s okay!

Just ugh ffs, get rid of the nasty Anakin treating Padmé like a naughty dog who won’t obey him and the Padmé purposely acting unwisely to spite Anakin plot. Have the entire conflict be both of them being upset that the other doesn’t trust them, doesn’t believe in their advice, keep Padmé’s speech about how marriages NEED trust and compromise to survive, take all of Anakin’s aggression towards Padmé and transfer it to aggression towards Clovis, like make the conflict him menacing the guy if he hurts Padmé again just because he’s being overprotective and “if you won’t look out for yourself I will” and Anakin getting constantly checked for not being able to control his emotions, Padmé can tell him off for being overprotective instead of overaggressive and his possessiveness can instead show through him arguing that he needs to keep her safe at all costs. THAT can be the argument.

And if they want the Vader foreshadowing? Like real, in-character Vader foreshadowing??? Tbh, drop the Clovis beatdown, drop the machoness towards Padmé, and just have Anakin blatantly DROP the douchebag at the end of the episode instead of his hand slipping. Make him choose to ACTIVELY kill Clovis. Like THAT, Anakin taking the law into his own hands and deciding that he knows best and this guy is dangerous and has fucked up one too many times, there being an opportunity where there’s an chance to save Clovis when they’re alone without Pads, “be a Jedi, Padmé wouldn’t want this, do the right thing” Clovis might say, and we can see Anakin’s face considering, and then he just “Long Live The King”s him and lets him fall and die, THAT is an in-character Vader foreshadowing.

Then at the end of the episode, we can have Anakin lie to her, say Clovis slipped, say it was too late, and Padmé can believe him, thank him for trying. Then there’s the same thing where Padmé apologizes, and we can have a callback to the convo about trust and she adds that she’s sorry that she didn’t trust him, and when she says that, we zoom in on Anakin’s guilty face.

There. That’s how I’d fix these episodes

And THERE, I think I’ve complained about everything, I am SO sorry for the gigantic ass post and response, I’ll add a read more once I’m on my laptop and not on the beach on mobile.

But yeah anon, I hope that satisfies your question xD

Once again, I welcome discussion if y’all either agree with me or if you have any differing opinions, I know my takes are far from hot for several people and I’m curious to see what others think!

#i’m SO sorry i got carried away but yeah this arc and one or two others (one in particular) are the only arcs that kiiinda set me off tbh #long post #ask #anon #one (1) hot mess #queen of my heart #star-crossed lovers #sw the clone wars #anidala #the clone wars

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abrakophile · 3 years ago

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I was looking through a bunch of junk and found some letters from my dad when he was in the army. I’m afraid I'll accidently toss them, so maybe I’ll put them here?

OPs Name JUNE 02 03

I LOVE YOU

THIS IS MY NAME IN KURDISH

*my dad wrote his first and last name, and under it, in Kurdish*

ILL TRY AND FIND OUT HOW TO WRITE YOUR NAME AND MOMS TOO.

ITS STILL HOT. I WORK AND READ BOOKS TO PASS THE TIME AWAY.

HOW ARE YOU DOING? GOOD I HOPE. WHAT DO YOU DO FOR FUN? DO YOU EVER HANG OUT WITH YOUR FRIENDS? TELL THEM I SAID “WASSUP?” NAH, DONT TELL THEM. TELL ME WHAT YOUR THINKING. I’M TRYING TO SEND YOU SOME MORE OF MY DRAWINGS. WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DRAW YOU? DID YOU LIKE THE DRAWING I SENT YOU OF YOU NAME? ITS ALRIGHT IF YOU DIDNY. JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU DO WANT ME TO DRAW YOU.

(Flip Page)

THIS IS WEIRD! (The page does not have lines on the left side of it) i WONDER WHAT HAPPENED TO THIS PIECE OF PAPER. HaHa

I MISS YOU ALOT. PLEASE SOND ME SOME MORE OF YOUR DRAWINGS, YOU CAN DRAW ME ANYTHING YOU WANT TO.

ARE YOU BEING GOOD FOR YOUR MOM? ITS NICE IF YOU HELP HER OUT WHILE I’M AWAY.

HAVE YOU BEEN ANYPLACE NEW? HOW IS SCHOOL GOING FOR YOU? IS MOMMY GOING TO SCHOOL? I KNOW I WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL WHEN I GET BACK. HOPEFULLY I GET THE CHANCE TO LEARN EVERYTHING THAT THERE IS TO KNOW. THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

ALSO, ID LIKE TO DO SOME FISHING? HOW ABOUT YOU? I GUESS ILL END HERE. BE GOOD AND STAY IN SCHOOL. AND JUST SAY NO TO DRUGS.

THEYRE BAD.

I LIVE YOU OP

*hearts and x’s* DADDY

---

(I don’t know if all these pages are in order or if it’s missing any, but this was the letter in the same stack as the last but this one was for my mom. In some places his indents indicate passage of time.)

I HAVENT HAD ANY TIME TO WRITE SINCE WEVE BEEN ON THE ROAD, NOT TO MENTION THAT WE CAN’T SEND MAIL WHEN WE’RE MOVING ALL THE TIME.

WEVE BEEN ON THE ROAD FOR ABOUT FIVE OR SIX DAYS, I HAVENT REALLY BEEN COUNTING. I KNOW I TOLD YOU THAT WE’D BE IN KUWAIT FOR A WHILE, BUT THAT WAS SO YOU WOULDNT BE WORRIED. I’M GOING TO KEEP THIS LETTER THOUGH, TILL I GET HOME.

ABOUT TWO NIGHTS AGO, WE DROVE THROUGH BAGDHAD, SOMEBODY SAID THAT THERE WERE PILED BODIES, I DONT KNOW IF IT WAS TRUE.

AND I GUESS YESTERDAY, A COUPLE OF PEOPLE SAID THEY SAW A MISSILE OR SOEMTHING SHOT AT US. I WAS TRYING TO FIX A TRUCK SO I DIDNT SEE IT.

ITS NOT AS DUSTY HERE IN IRAQ. IT REMINDS ME OF THE CONVOYS IN KOREA.

MOST OF THE PEOPLE WILL WAVE “HI”. SOME OTHERS DONT.

I SAW A KID OPEN HIS HAND ONCE WHILE MOVING, AND IT SAID “BUSH” THAT WAS KIND OF COOL.

OH YEAH. HERES A STORY. WHILE OUT DOING A MISSION, ONE OF OUR “BRADLEY” TANKS FIRED ON AN ENEMY AMMO TRUCK AND CLIPPED A KID. THE ROUNDS BLEW ONE OF HIS LEGS OFF AND SOME OF THE OTHER, FROM THE KNEE DOWN. SO THE MEDICS PICKED HIM UP AND BROUGHT HIM TO OUR RECONCOLIDATING POINT FOR MEDICAL TREATMENT. I GUESS HE EVENTUALLY DIED FROM LOSS OF BLOOD THE NEXT NIGHT AND YESTERDAY THEY TOOK HIM OUT AND BURIED HIM.

ALSO WE PICKED UP ABOUT 25-30 P.O.W.s AND SENT THEM SOUTH.

IT GETS PRETTY COLD AT NIGHT. AND THE DAY’S ARE VERY HOT.

SINCE WE LEFT KUWAIT ITS BEEN ME AND MENDOZA IN THE FIVE TON WRECKER AND I HAVE TO ADMIT THAT ITS BEEN EXCITING. WE KEPT GETTING SEPERATED FROM THE CONVOY AND BREAKING DOWN. BUT I THINK THAT WERE BETTER NOW. HOPEFULLY.

IM STILL WAITING TO BE AMBUSHED TO MAKE ALL THIS SEEM REAL TO ME. A PART OF ME WANTS IT AND ANOTHER DOESNT.

AND IT SEEMS LIKE ONLY OUR UNIT HAS TO STAY IN UNIFORM, EVERYONE ELSE WEARS T-SHIRTS AND BANDENA’S AND RAGS ON THEIR HEAD

WERE STILL GOING NORTH. NOBODY KNOWS HOW LONG WE’LL STAY. ITS NOT THAT BAD HERE. MEANING, IT COULD BE WORSE.

I USED A “SHIT-CHAIR”. ITS JUST A METAL CHAIR WITH A HOLE CUT IN THE MIDDLE AND THE SEAT FROM A TOILET BOLTED TO IT, GROSS.

HELICOPTERS CAN BE HEARD ALL DAY AND NIGHT. I GOT TO SEE THEM DROP BOMBS ALL DAY ABOUT 3 DAYS AGO, FROM A DISTANCE OF COURSE.

ILL BE DRIVING AGAIN, IN A MINUTE. PROBABLY RE-FUEL AND BACK ON THE ROAD AGAIN. IM ENJOYING IT.

I HAVE 8 MAGAZINES FULL OF ROUNDS. NO GRENADES, BUT I LIKE IT LIKE THAT.

SOMETIMES IT SMELLS LIKE SHIT.

I GUESS ILL END IT HERE FOR NOW

I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU TWO TWICE IF NOT THRICE AS MUCH AS YOU MIGHT MISS ME TOO.

HELLO AGAIN. WERE SOMEWHERE NEAR TIKRI + MOSUL. YESTERDAY, ME + MENDOZA WENT LOOKING FOR MOMENTO’S. WE BROKE A LOCK TO A NEAR BY BUNKER AND FOUND 6 A.K.47s! BUT ON OUR WAY BACK TO TURN THEM IN, MAJOR TATU GOT THEM FROM US. I WAS SO PISSED. BUT I GOT A GAS MASK w/ FILTER, A FULL MAGAZINE CLIP FROM ONE OF THE A.K.s AND A BERET WITH IRAQ 1 RANK ON IT.

I MADE A STENCIL FOR THE TRUCK WERE RIDING IN. ITS CALLED THE “GAMBLER.” YESTERDAY MENDOZA DROVE, SO TODAY ILL BE DRIVING.

IM NOT POSITIVE, BUT, I THINK WERE GOING TO TURKEY. NIETO SAYS THAT HE OVERHEARD SOMEBODY FROM S1 (or SI, I’m not sure) SAYING WE MIGHT GET PAID EXTRA FOR GOING THROUGH BAGHDAD.

I THINK NIETO’S MAD AT ME. CANT EXPLAIN WHY. MAYBE ITS BECAUSE IM RIDING WITH MENDOZA AND HE DOESNT LIKE MENDOZA TOO MUCH. OH WELL, WHATEVER REASON, HOPE THINGS GET NORMAL AGAIN. HAVE TO GO,

*hearts and xs*

TODAY IS THE 25th OF APRIL, I RECEIVED FIVE OR SIX (OR SEVEN) LETTERS YESTERDAY. THE LATEST WAS DATED 07 OF APRIL. THAT TELLS ME THAT ITS GOING TO TAKE A WHILE TO COMMUNICATE.

WE HAVENT RECEIVED MAIL BECAUSE WEVE BEEN MOVING NEVER STAYING IN ONE PLACE MORE THAN A DAY, OR TWO, UNTIL NOW. WE’VE BEEN IN THIS SPOT GOING ON FOUR DAYS TOMORROW?!

GIVE ME A MINUTE...

FOR THE LAST COUPLE OF DAYS IVE BEEN HELPING MENDOZA PULL THE ENGINE OUT OF A 5 TON TRUCK AND SWITCH IT w/ ANOTHER ONE. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN EASY BUT THE FLY WHEEL SEIZED UP INSIDE THE BELL HOUSING. ITS FINISHED NOW AND THE RUMOR IS WE’RE LEAVING (OR MOVING) AGAIN TOMORROW.

ITS 10:33 THURSDAY MORNING. YOUR TIME IS 12:32 JUST TURNING THURSDAY.

I ALMOST CRYED WHEN I SAW ELIS PICTURE. I REALLY MISS BOTH OF YOU. LET ME BACK TO BEFORE I GOT DISTRACTED. I HAVENT BEEN ABLE TO SEND MAIL BECAUSE WE’VE BEEN MOVING. BUT I GUESS THAT WHATEVER THREAT THERE WAS (IF ANY), ISNT SO THREATFUL ANYMORE, WE CAN START RECEIVING AND SENDING MAIL. NO PHONE TO CALL FROM, AND NO INTERNET TO E-MAIL FROM.

THE WHOLE UNIT IS SCATTERED, SO EVEN IF I GET WHAT YOU NEED IT’LL TAKE FOREVER TO GET IT TO YOU. LET ME PULL THOSE LETTERS BACK OUT. OH WAIT. I DID LAUNDRY AND SOME UNDERWEAR THATS DRY, FELT HARD, OH WELL, WAIT A SECOND, K

I HAD TO FOLD SOME T-SHIRTS. ALL MY SOCKS ARE STILL DAMP.

YOU CAN USE MY CONTRACT TO SHOW THAT I ENLISTED IN TEXAS AND HOWS THIS

*On a separate sheet my dad wrote a detailed note for my mom to give to someone to confirm that he did want to buy a house. He writes “I AM ALIVE AND WELL.” and “PLEASE ACCEPT THIS PAPER”, then he signed it with his scribble signature, and underneath it wrote his name in print and added “1st SQUADRON 10th CAVALRY HEADQUARTERS TROOP (I have no clue what this means)*

HOW’S THAT? HOPE I SPELLED EVERYTHING CORRECTLY. IM ALMOST READY WITH A DESIGN TO COVER THE OTHER TATTOOS ON MY LEFT FOREARM.

I JUST FINISHED LOOKING OVER ALL THOSE LETTERS YOU SENT FOR ME

IM BACK! I GOT SLEEPY SO I TRYED TO LAY DOWN FOR A LITTLE BIT. NO SLEEP. I DONT THINK. I DIDNT HAVE ENOUGH WATER TO WASH MY DCV’S AND A PAIR OF BDV’S. BESIDES FOR DRINKING WATER, BUT WE HAVE TO CONSERVE IT.

LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE RUMORS. TOMORROW WE’LL BE LEAVING FOR THE IRAN/IRAQ BORDER TO DO “PEACE KEEPING” FOR 3 TO 6 mths. OTHERS SAY THAT THE 4ID (i think is what this says) GENERAL WANTS TO KEEP US HERE TILL NOV., THATS WHEN 1 CAV WILL COME TO REPLACE US. WHILE OTHERS SAY WE MIGHT LEAVE BY JUNE. NOTHINGS FOR SURE.

SMALLER RUMORS FLOATING AROUND THE SITE ARE; RAMSEY AND SFC BACON ARE SLEEPING TOGETHER. SGT SIREK HAS PLANS TO TAKE NIETO AS HIS APPRENTICE AND PADIWAN LEARNER OF THE DARK SIDE. LITTLE BLACK ARNOLD IS MILITARY INTELLIGENCE FOR SPECIAL FORCES OPERATING UNDER COVER A SURVEILLENCE AS PART OF

*the rest of the page is blank*

IM BACK. TODAY IS THE 27th. I GOT BACK TO THE LITTLE CAMP AREA ABOUT AN HOUR AND A HALF AGO. I LEFT YESTERDAY MORNING TO, WELL, AS PART OF DE-CON (DE-CONTAMINATION) MISSION. HERES THE INFORMATION THAT I GATHERED.

A SITE HAD BEEN FOUND THAT WAS THOUGHT TO HAVE CHEMICAL WEAPONS AND 1-10 WAS APPOINTED TO GO TO THE SITE AND DE-CON THE CIVILIANS THAT WERE GOING TO OPEN THEM. AS IT TURNS OUT THE CIVILIANS HAVE BEEN DE-LAYED AND WOULD BE SET BACK 1 DAY.

THE NBC TEAM THAT I WAS WITH WERENT PREPARED TO STAY OVER NIGHT AND AS FORCASTED BY SSG MINOR WE MIGHT HAVE HAD TO STAY 3 TO 4 DAYS. EVERYBODY WAS PISSED.

LATELY ITS BEEN GETTING REALLY COLD AT NIGHT AND WE JUST HAPPENED TO BE NEAR A RUNNING RIVER. SO THE, ITS ABOUT 9 O’CLOCK AND IM BEAT, NO SLEEPING BAG OR ANYTHING TO COVER UP WITH AND I DECIDE TO TRY AND SLEEP. I GET AS COMFORTABLE AS POSSIBLE AND I GET ATTACKED BY MOSQUITOS. NOW IM PISSED SO I DECIDED TO JUST TO STAY UP ALL NIGHT. ABOUT 10PM ONE OF THE HEMTT (this might just say “hemi”, I don’t know) FUELERS SHOWS UP AND SGT TORRES SAYS HE HAS EVERYBODYS SLEEPING BAG! THE SITES ABOUT 45 MINS AWAY AND THEY LEFT SOMETIME MID AFTERNOON TO GET OUR SHIT, I HATE THESE PEOPLE.

RIGHT NOW ITS 9:01 PM AND ITS 11:02 AM YOUR TIME. I MISS YOU.

RIGHT NOW IM GOING TO ADDRESS AN ENVELOPE AND HAVE IT READY TO SEND TOMMOROW THE 28th. IM SORRY IF IT SEEMS THAT IM NOT WRITING VERY OFTEN. FOR A WHILE WE COULDN’T. AND NOW THAT IT SEEMS WE MIGHT BE HERE A LITTLE WHILE, THEYVE KEPT ME REALLY BUSY. LET ME ADDRESS THE ENVELOPES (he drew a star here)

ALL DONE. I THOUGHT ABOUT THE HOUSE A LOT TODAY AND YESTERDAY. IM SURE BY THE TIME THIS LETTER REACHES YOU, YOU’LL HAVE EITHER GOTTEN IT OR GAVE IT UP. IM O.K. WITH EITHER DECISION YOUVE MADE.

YOUVE KEPT THIS FAMILY TOGETHER, AND THAT MAKES ME PROUD. YOUR SMART, ATTRACTIVE AND FUNNY. AND YOU DONT TAKE ANY SHIT FROM ANYBODY. I LOVE YOU.

I HOPE THAT OUR DAUGHTER TURNS OUT TO BE LIKE YOU.

I GUESS ILL MAIL THIS TOMORROW, FIRST THING, SO

EVER YOURS

EVER MINE

*my dad signed it with his scribble, and wrote his name under it. under that are hearts and x’s with my mom’s name and then my name under hers.*

#very personal but where the fuck am i gonna put them? you know where i kinda cant lose them?#letters from the guy that was my dad #pt 1 #long post

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cybernightwanderer · 4 years ago

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How whats left of me faded away, and how my first christmas home became my last : - The day my mom died. - The concept of family finally ended for me. - And how “ it doesnt get any better”.

23rd December.

These past few months i have been on psiquiatric medical leave from work due to a very severe depression thanks to the amazing workplace enviroment that has now crippled me so deeply physically and mentally, more before.

Its funny how when i try my hardest to recover and get my life back, its becomes so clear its a fucking joke.

Begining of the year i managed to fight off my mom on the money she was forcing me to pay her, and i managed to pay less from what i was paying before, and due to these medical leaves and corona, i get very little support finnancialy. I managed to save up almost 1k, i was ready to start believinng i could fix up my life. However i still pay her what i have to monthly, half the bills, 50 euros for food that i may consume at the house, and i also buy my food and my own things like i always did.

My mom has the tendancy to force me to take borrowed money she lends me.

For example mid corona time, i had to have gum surgery due to an old tooth infection, wich turned out to be 3 tooths, and i took out 2, needless to say my mom helped me with half of the apointments, i payed the surgery ones but then i needed follow up apointments so i wouldnt lose 4 more teeth. Apointments i canceled right away , beause i didnt have any money, and my mom being the mom that she is i always refuse her “ loans “ due to her being worse than a fucking stereotipical loan shark that takes that money back with interest, but in mental health and sanity. However she kept squedueling the apointments without me knowing, then tell me 1 day early, then get mad at me because id tell her i had no money so i told her to cancel and not make apointments without my consent and knowledge. This to wich she responded with screams , name calling , telling me to cancel myself and the general griefing of : “OK fine ill never help u with anything again “ / “ ok fine i dont care anymore then “, “ what you are too good to take my money is that it? “ Then when i standed my ground , proceeding to treat me miserably for the following week, demanding me to do random chores, just for the sake of punishing me , leaving dirty dishes of her own food acumulating so she could force me to do them and threaten me with a beating if i didnt, or making me wash the bathroom everyday for no reason.

With all this mess, half the money i had saved up + using it on the apointments and paying her back right away at the end of the month the consultations i owed her. I was left with 400 bucks.

Wich later on were also spent in dentist urgency apointments, because i kept having infections, psiquiatrist apointments and medicine and a laywer for the work harrassement situation, and then and there, all my money was gone.

The situation goes by, im home , receiving basic support for the medical leave, i pay my share of the bills and i do my own thing, however depression has gotten worse, my attacks have gotten worse, and everything just feels like rock bottom here.

These last 2 months, ive been trying so hard... so hard to get back on my feet, i was taking my medicine, i was taking a languague course, i was going to the doctor. I was really, really trying. Its funny how hard i was trying, for the first time in my life i was really trying to believe it could get better.

My mom was even acting nice and it almost seemed like she was really supporting me and trying.

December 23. Me and my mom go the psiquiatrist apointment for him to avaluate my condition. For the first time the apointment wasnt so heavy, it didnt leave me so weary from it. I finally believed. By the end of the consultation my doctor asks my mom to make sure i dont go back to that work place, because it might have a huge take on my life. My mom turns to the doctor and says : “ I know she cant go back , but she cant be unemployed either.” And the doctor says : “ I know, but if she goes back it can make her worse, we cant let that happend, its damaging her“ ( meaning she could kill herself, due to the last apointments conversation ) On to wich my mother replied : “ Well i cant be providing for us both with my money “.

...

When we arrived at the car i asked her why she said that and what she meant by that. And i told her that i pay for my food and that i pay for the things i eat that she buys ( wich is not much ) and that i also pay for half the bills.

To wich she agressivly threatned me to shut up and started yelling right away and acting like a victim with her mild aneurism that happend quite a few years ago in wich she HAS BEEN FULLY HEALED AND PERFECT HEALTHY, but always uses as an excuse to dodge the discussion after demanding certain shit or just plain insulting me. After a lot of lying and name calling and even telling me that i eat her food and that i live off of her. Into wich i replied, i dont always eat your food , and theres a lot of times when i dont eat and you yell at me and treat me badly for not eating your food wich led me to just eat cereals for months everyday as all 3 meals or not even eating and skipping meals for being too afraid of making my own food in the kitchen.

And so on... And i asked her what she wanted from me. And after a long car fight and a lot of gaslighting, she finnaly admitted she just wanted more money “ because if all your friends pay normal rent , you should too “ ( meaning a 450 rent ).

And then i just gave up and told her ok, ill pay you a full rent and i will also never toutch your food again. She laughed and made fun of me. And said : like ur even gonna buy your own food, you always use my things. to wich i asked what things? Oh you use my shampoo and toilet paper. To wich then i replied, everytime i buy toiler paper for me, you just take it as your own, and i dont use your shampoo or body wash i buy my own and i have been buying my own. And she just kept fighting me on it saying i do...and i told her i dont, if i by any chance dont have shampo ill use body wash as shampoo or vice versa. She just wanted to be right, so i just told her, ill pay you anything you want, i just dont wanna fight anymore im tired. To wich then she just kept saying “ oh now ur just trowing a fit “ And i sayd to her, why me agreing to what u ask and calmly shutting up to not fight anymore , how is that trowing a fit? i just gave you what you wanted, you dont need to be angry anymore.

And she just kept going at it, trying to poke my nerves until i just completly yelled and when crazy. The she acted like a victim again.

I am so drained, i am so tired....

After that discussion it was just 10 minutes of silence. I made a decision. That woman is not my mother anymore.

She wants to be a landlord so bad, she will be one.

My mother has died.

After a few minutes almost home , she decides to turn the “ mother mode “ on, and goes like “ oh you have to go to the doctor blah blah lets get your medicine etc. And i just told her, no. Ill go to the doctor on my own means, and ill buy the medicine when i have money.

Obviously she completly dismissed what i sayd and tried to drive me to the doctor and the pharmacy. After a few NO’s , she went home.

I got home, i took care of my things and i sorted out my doctors paperwork, she tries to come into my room, and acting like a worried mother like : “ oh did you do this -- etc” ( what i was already doing ) and i just told her, to stop. That she doesnt get to “ talk to me about those things anymore, or about my buisness.

Shes not my mother anymore. She doesnt get to act like a mother do just order me around and controll me. She is just a landlord now.

A few hours later, shes wrapping up presents and asks me to do it and asks me for my gifts wrapping thingies, and i told her no. Immediatly got mad at me and kept trowing provocative comments. And i told her, i didnt want any xmas gift from her, and that i wouldnt be spending xmas with her.

She made that usual smirk she mades when she sees me upset.

fast forward, the next day.

24 December

---

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salemrising666 · 4 years ago

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my depression and health battle

DEPRESSION

IS A BATTLE THAT CAN BE WON

as I pull the petals of this beautiful flower I noticed I had reached the last petal as I muttered to myself im lucky and tore it away from its steam I noticed one small underdeveloped petal hanging on for dear life and I muttered im not lucky and with my bad luck streak in life I thought it was some kind of omen was this a sign that my bad luck streak would never end or was I bein stupid overthinking things yet again I guess we can only find out as I battle my demons.

I sat there for a few minutes trying to talk myself out of this sign that everything would be fine it had to be my luck had to turn at some point hadnt it?

When I was 15 I started having eye trouble and my thirst for sugar had increased dramatically my parents had noticed this more than I had and suggested I go see a eye specialist to sort my eye troubles out when we got there my parents mentioned the sugar intake and they tested my blood sugars which were off the charts high I had further blood tests to soon discover that I was a type one diabetic and because of all the sugar in my bloodstream had temporarily changed my eye shape hence the blurred vision,i was sent to a hospital for two weeks to earn the ins and outs of how to take care of myself with this new disease it was scary and so hard I had never had a phobia of needles but to learn that I would here on out have to stick a needle into my stomach with each meal snack and drink was scary and take my sugars before each meal which would mean also stabbing my fingers scared the hell out of me and I thought why me why now anda lot of damage had already been done as I could have been diabetic for wuite a while before they had found it

I was to face some debhilitating challenges almost dying and permenant damage that would change my life forever things I would have to learn to live with and adapt to such as permenant eye damage agonizing diabetic neuropathy the loss of my left small toe then a further amputation of the joint including multiple procedures like laser eye surgery eye injections eye surgery two amputations the removal of all my teeth due to gastro peresis stages where I couldnt stomach any food throwing it all up losing weight to where my organs were failing and me on my death bed and not knowing why I have neer given up in all these struggles even though I knew oh well eating will end up with me bent over the toilet for hours being labelled as having a eating disorder and trying to convince doctors no this is medical and something was wrong having a feeding tube forced down your throat becausee of these labels and watched while I showered and used the toilet was horrible being in hospital for three months fighting for my life as I never realised how important food was for your body till I was striken with gatsro peresis and not being able to consume it and practically starving to deathi thought this was it this would kill me as nobody could find what was wrong and trying to tell me I was doing this to myself on purpose I refused to leave myhouse as I was ashamed of how thin I was I got down to 31 kilos and there was nothing left of me I was stuck in mental health and was forced to talk to psychiatrists about my so called eating disorder as they tried to help me but how can you fix something that doesnt exist they finally realised months later after leaving the hospital that it was medical from all of the tests I was made to do im still battling these issues today truing to gain weight I have also lost a large portion of my eyesight due to diabetic neuropathy when the blood vessels overgrow and cause permenant damage and the obly way to stop th further damage is to have laser ee surgery to try stop the vessels from growing which worked for a while then I was told they were growing again

so the next step was to have multiple injections over months into the eye to try shrink them which I am still having today as they have flared up again I now have to wear glasses but I can never drive as my vision is that impaired.

Another thing I battle wth is diabetic neuropathy which Is where your nerves send misfired pain signals to your brain when nothing is actually wrong you feel shock like pains hot pins and needles aches and some feeling losswhich contributed to me losing my small left toe I had gotten a blister that I didnt know I had which turned into a foot ulcer got infected and ate its way down to my bones I then got na serious bone infection called ostemyelitis which eats away at your bones they tried a long course of iv antibiotics to get rid of it but it falled and the only way to stop me from losing my whole leg was to amputate the small toe I was terrified as I lay in hospital and the doctors came in to wheel me ito surgery next thing I knew I was waking back up in my ward and my foot was being unwrapped I was in shock seeing my little toe missing they put something called a vac seal on it which helped fill the giant hole I now had in my foot and healed it three times faster than without it because of my compromised immune system from the auto immune disease they think I have that hasnt been even named yet I struggled to heal fully allowing infection bac into the amputation site which meant round two but they were to tell me I was going to loose my whole leg and had two weeks until surgery so as I went home and tried to prepare one day post surgery checkin they told me we are just going to amputate the remaning joint I had a sigh of relief but it was still loosing more of my foot I have had a rough life health wise as there has always been something wrong I have had the worst luck possible so many long hospital trips and now being 27 I just want to be as healthy as possible and live the life I know I deserve after all this grief and I have learnt to appreciate even the smallest of things and especially all the people who never left me in all my struggles and mood swings I am forever grateful for them as I know I wouldnt be here without them although they tell me they understand what im going through they couldnt possibly but I hate that ive had to go through all this and more I hate more the people I love have had to watch me gp through this amd I am usually a happy bright bubbly person but I mean I have my bad days where im depressed and wished all these afflictions didnt plague me everyday and it is also hard as I cant just forget I have these things as they impair everything I do I cant just turn around and be like I dont feel like being type 1 diabetic for a day as I would face horrible repurccusions .

In all this hardship I know there is people suffering out there more than I am I just wish I didnt have to fight everyday with all of this and fight to keep my life I want to just live it and be happy and I know I will get there I will never give up no matter how bloody hard this is or will get but I just wnted to tell a small portion of what I have gone through in my life in the hopes it may inspire of help somebody suffering with anny of these issues and yes depression is a hard thing to overcome but there are always things to help I find art and writing in a journal helps and venting all it takes is that one special person to listen and have your back if anybody reading this wants to chat I will always lend a ear to you so dont be afraid I may look odd and be odd but I am friendly and have a massive heart thank you for reading.

#depression #healthissues #nevergiveup #loveyourself #type 1 diabetic

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lonelyshrimp · 5 years ago

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What happened with your roomies if you don’t mind me asking...?

Yknow what I’m in a mood and they don’t know my tumblr (haha they think I’m a cisstraight girl lol) so let’s get into some shit. Imma put everything under a read more bc imma rant a bit and this is gonna get long.

TW: food, unsanitary (general things not being kept clean, typically bathroom and kitchen related), drug use, fighting, slurs

tl;dr if you dont feel like reading this beast:

They steal what food i dare leave out in the kitchen rather tan keep in my room

They slam doors excessively, fight, yell horrible things to each other, have friends over yelling at like 2 am (last night for example)

Leave the doors unlocked and open?? We cant even lock the front door anymore??? (Dw the doors to our rooms all have locks. If I’m in my room or out of the house, my door is locked)

Constantly throw around the r slur. Like. All the time. Including one person having called me it. Y i k e s

One person keeps smoking in the house even though i’ve asked numerous times (and even have a note on my door) asking people to please smoke outside, it gives me headaches. You are physically hurting me stop.

Don’t Clean Anything. The kitchen is a wreck. The toilets are constantly clogging, I Am In Hell.

For context: the house is a one story house divided into a main floor and finished basement. It’s a rooming house and the basement is largely seperate from upstairs. (They have a kitchen door that they keep closed and locked.) The stairs to the basement are split into two smaller flights, with a landing in between the floors. That’s where the side door is. The public spaces upstairs are the kitchen (connects to stairs), the hallway, and the two bathrooms (big main one, tiny water closet by the front door). The rest of the upstairs is split into five rooms. For comprehension sake, we’ll call my roommates: The Couple (M&F), A, T, and J.

Mmkay lets start with the least egregious and move our way up, shall we? Theft! Of anything and everything! No one can have anything out in the public areas if they actually care about it. It. Will. Get. Stolen. Now, I have a mini fridge and the second biggest room here, so I’m lucky in that 99% of my groceries, as well as all my other belongings, fit in my room. There’s just a wee problem: I don’t have a freezer. Not to fear, past naïve me thought, I’ll just clean out and use the locked freezer since I still have the keys for that fridge! (We have two fridges and food theft was a problem beforehand and so me and my friend who lived here cleaned out the second fridge to use as our own and kept it locked.) I decided to do this after I had bought myself some ice cream, wrote my name on the top, and put it in the main freezer. I go to have some ice cream later that week, I open the tub for the first time (as in I removed the seal holding the lid onto the tub) to find that someone eaten half the tub of ice cream while making it seem like it hadn’t been opened. I know it happened at home bc the spoon marks were clear as day and I have to walk 20 minutes back from the grocery store. That woulda melted by then (Also I would’ve noticed at the store that. The tub was hella lopsided??? And way too light???) So yea of course I’m ticked now, I spent 6 bucks on that bro like just ask or get ur own??? So I put it the other freezer, and for a while it’s fine. Next month I decide to treat myself to some frozen waffles and some chicken strips and come home to find that the hinges holding the locks onto the doors of the fridge were torn out of the fridge/freezer doors. Like. The screws were pried outta this metal door rendering the locks completely useless (to the point i wouldn’t even be able to put the hinges back on.) And the cherry on top?? My ice cream was gone!!! Hope u enjoyed it, asshole. So whatever. Fine. I put my food away and. a week later?? Im like “Man i could go for some waffles rn”. I bought 2 8 packs. One chocolate chip, one cinnamon (y’all i literally buy the cheapest ones Zehrs sells. 2,19$ a box y’all. not even eggos). Surprise surprise!! The entire box of choccy chip ones GONE. Mind u, i wrote my name on all of these boxes, as well as a very large “DO NOT EAT”. so i begrudgingly had a couple (note that, 2) cinnamon waffles and move on. A couple days later I go to have some more and. The waffles are completely gone. Out of a total of 16 waffles, ya boy got a solid 2. (It’s worth noting that there was a single waffle left, but at 0,27$ a waffle, I didn’t mind leaving the box on the table with a note basically reading “these are cheap af, buy ur own bitch”.) (I didn’t swear that much tho)

I’d add the bike to the list but i can’t confirm nor deny that one of my roommates stole my tires and seat off my bike (although M does work on bikes all the time so man idk.)

Next up: wow people here are l o u d. I’m talking slamming doors all the time, slamming things around, yelling, playing music wildly loud. It’s awful. Like. You can just. Close the door quietly? Stop slamming things around please? It’s awful because loud sudden noises make me panic and lemme tell ya, wakin up at eight am bc your a-hole roommate decided to slam the door eight times bc the front door is broken because someone took the border around the jamb off instead of fixing it so we can actually?? lock that door?? because it doesnt quite fit in the jamb and so the only wat to lock it was the chain lock and. someone took that too so thats fun :)))))). The side door isn’t that much better. We have a code lock and. No One Ever Locks It. Like. I’ll come outta room and?? It’s just open????? Close the door???????????

The worst, however, is the fucking fighting. The Couple love to argue all the time. and yell at each other and slam the doors or smashing shit and they yell pretty awful things to each other. Like. I’ve heard M call his gf some awful shit. It’s worse when they have people over too. The other day there were like. 14 cops in here bc of them at like 2 am. Cue me, 2 am, trying to watch a livestream and seeing like??? Six cop cars pull up????? Wh a t????? Not fun not good for my brain.

God and. What is with everyone and the r slur??? Like what?? there are so many words you can choose stop using that word. Like okay the other night someone?? took the dc adapter for the wireless modem and one of the dudes downstairs as well as the couple were looking to see if they had a compatible dc adapter and so i just decided to wait?? and i just spaced out a bit okay whatever i was lookin at the wall like i do and fuckin. the couple had a couple friends over and one of em was chillin between the kitchen and the hall and M yells out from his room “Hey don’t you feel weird with this creepy ass bitch standing next to you? Like what is she, m*ntally r*tarded?” like wow okay dude i’m literally not doing anything. Luckily his friends reaction was basically “?? She lives here?? She can stand there if she wants??” (wow referring to myself as she feels weird and wrong).

A big problem I have is I feel like theres a community in this house that I just don’t fit into? Part of it is I’m like. the only person here who doesn’t do drugs of any kind?? Like I have nothing against ppl who use drugs like whatever bro, but it feels super othering to me when i can’t relate to anyone here because of it. That and. Getting T in particular but really just anyone but A to respect me asking that if you’re going to smoke anything to do it outside because weed and to a lesser extent cigarette smoke trigger my sensory disorder and causes me pain and causes sensory overload and I still find myself asking people to smoke outside.Like I’ve never been unreasonable and said “no drugs in the house” or some bs. I’m just asking u to respect my disability thanks.And like?? I’ll get into this in a second but there were needles in the toilet?? Bro throw them out properly.

And now: Hell.

Can no one clean up after themselves?? Do your dishes. If theres food left on your plate, throw it out first, don’t dump it in the sink. Seriously the kitchen sink is fucked. The kitchen is gross. The microwave ugh ugh ugh no thanks. No one can clean everything. This is why all my cookware and dishes are in my room. That way I can make sure I 1) Still Own It and 2) Its clean and usable. I clean them as I go and just use my own shit.

Nothing compares to the bathrooms, though. It seems like every other day one of the toilets are clogged. Last week there were spoons in the sink?? Like at least 10 spoons. In the bathroom sink. The floor is dirty because no one owns a mop and?? there was one in the kitchen?? I haven’t seen it in like a month. And the worst of all. Okay, it’s really bad when every one up here is between like. 16 and 19 I think? And I had to put up a sign in the bathroom asking people to flush when you’re done??? And I still have to flush before I can use the washroom???? And it feels like every week or so. The toilet’s clogged. Oh! I forgot to mention that the water closet doesn’t even have a doorknob anymore. Someone took it. But wait, it gets worse. Seriously if extremely unsanitary things bother u, stop reading now.

Twice in the past month I’ve had to contact the landlord because the toilets were beyond clogged. The first time was bad but oh lord nothing compares to the second time (aka last week). The first time was your pretty standard toilet clogs and backs up and its very gross. I contacted the landlord and it was fixed the next day and it was fine. For. Two Days. Im serious. See. People here have a real issue it seems of “The person before me didn’t flush so neither will I”, leading to a toilet bowl full of like. a half a roll of toilet paper and waste. F u n. What that led to was the toilet clogging, people not doing anything about it, and continuing to use it. Eventually the toilet bowl was full, so trow a shopping bag over the lid to mark the toilet as “Out of order” and move on to the other one.Both toilets were completely unusable. I emailed the landlord and i don’t know if either they or one of the people living here contacted them, but the old landlord and old property manager were here the other day to clean them out and fix them?? and yea among all the standard waste you’d expect in a toilet, there were needles? Like buddy theres a trash can right there? I know u had the needle caps bc they were in there too. just... disgusting...

bro this is just what i can think of off the top of my head i know theres more but oh no this is so long now. just. this is a lot more detail than u wanted but i wanted to get this out of my brain??

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reesewestonarchive · 6 years ago

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chapter five / rem belongs to @forlornraven / masterpost / mature content

I don’t have a tag list so if you’re interested lemme know

South of the California border, Nakoa finds it.

The weather’s good, better than the Midwest, and Rem’s attitude is better. Freer.

Nakoa likes him like this. He buys booze and cigarettes with money that he won in pool in Vegas, and Nakoa makes a deal with a hippie they meet outside a record store for weed, and strolls the streets of Ferris, California high as a kite.

He feels pretty fucking good when he finds it, a tiny shop tucked away in between a coffeeshop and a consignment store. Music plays so loud it drifts onto the street, and Nakoa steps inside after he puts his joint out.

The shop owner lifts a hand at him in greeting, but says nothing. There’s a sign overhead that reads, DISCOUNT CASSETTES - $2 and Nakoa makes his way there, ignoring the albums and the deep seated desire he has to own them again.

When he gets a job. When he settles down.

London Calling sits right on top, along with a few other albums. Nakoa peeks inside, makes sure they’re right, that they’re really the one he wants, and… they are. All of them in damn near pristine condition.

Nakoa blinks. Picks up all three albums, puts them carefully on the counter and slaps seven dollars on the counter as well.

The clerk blinks at him. “Cassettes?”

“The van only has a tape deck.” Nakoa prefers it. CDs scratch, they skip. A tape deck can be rewound, if the ribbon comes out. Spliced back together.

The sound quality sucks, but Nakoa’ll make do.

The clerk shoves the tapes into a brown paper bag, and Nakoa leaves.

Stuffs it into his pocket, and continues down the street, taking in the city.

LA’s bigger, but Ferris is huge. Nakoa feels anonymous, here, lost amongst the sea of suits and skirts. There’s freedom, here, in a way Nakoa isn’t used to, even from the days in car from Withervale.

He crosses the crosswalk, wonders what Rem’s doing now. If he found another idiot to hustle, if he’s gambling.

If he’s still lying in the room at the motel, like he was when Nakoa left him.

“Hey,” Nakoa says, when he opens the door to the motel room, digging for the joint as he does. “I have something for—”

The motel room is fucking trashed. The bed upended, the TV sideways on the floor, scratches in the walls. Broken tables.- light flickers from where it hangs on the wall, and.

There’s a lot of fucking blood. Nakoa’s mouth goes dry, and he takes a careful step forward into the room. Wonders if he should say anything. If he should call Rem’s name, or turn around and leave.

Th van still sits in the parking lot, though, so Nakoa steps forward, into the room.

“Rem?” he calls, quiet, then louder. “This some kind of fucking trick?”

Shallow breathing, and Nakoa wishes he had a weapon. But then, Rem’s arm comes over the side of the bed, still donned in the bracelets he always wears. Relief might wash through him were it not for the blood.

“What the fuck?”

Rem staggers to his feet. “It’s—fine. Shut up.”

“There’s—” Nakoa makes a gesture to the walls. “No!” He feels a bit like he’s flailing in the water, trying not to drown when he should know how to swim. It’s not the first time. It won’t be the last.

“It’s not mine,” Rem says, like that’s supposed to help. His voice is strained. He’s holding his side, limping, and—”Don’t give me that look, Warren.”

Nakoa clenches his jaw. “What happened.”

His brain is a fog of relaxation and weed and Rem is a fan blowing it all away.

Rem sits on the edge of the bed. Surveys the damage. “The van’s still out there, right?”

“That’s not a fucking answer!”

His voice sounds too loud in the space, and someone knocks on the walls, harsh and Nakoa has half a mind to ask them what the fuck happened.

The album weighs heavy in his pocket. He says, “Rem. What the fuck?”

A beat and then Rem snaps, “Like you’re some kind of fucking saint.” Before Nakoa can respond, he says, “I was cleaning up your mess.”

“What mess?!” What has Nakoa done, aside from shop, get high, fake ID himself into a liquor store; beside put the idea of leaving in Rem’s head to begin with—besides pay for the fucking motel rooms and food, and—

Nakoa grits his teeth.

“You’re an addict,” Rem says, pot calling the kettle, and, Nakoa sees red. “And you’re more trouble than you’re worth, you know that?” His tone falls flat on his tongue and, hell. Nakoa grinds his teeth, angry and lost and heartbroken. “Always looking for your next fix.”

“Fuck you,” Nakoa says, and wishes the blood on the walls were Rem’s, because maybe then he’d shut up. “You—” He wants to punch him, but—

Rem stares at the walls, at the floor, his voice sharp when he says, “Why’d I fucking come with you?”

His tone is vicious. Nakoa’s not sure he’s ever heard him so fucking irritated, so irate, so cruel. Rem says a lot of shit, his mouth gets him into trouble in more than one way, but Nakoa’s not used to being on the receiving end.

“What the fuck did I do? Besides give a shit about you, want you to be happy?” Nakoa grits his teeth. He can’t throw punches, really wants to knee Rem in the dick for this, for dragging Nakoa across the country and pulling this on him because—

Because he got fucking scared.

Rem’s still talking, continuing to throw shit around the room, cursing Nakoa’s tendencies towards whiskey and weed, at the one time he tried heroin, voice growing louder and louder until Nakoa snaps.

“You want me gone, I’m gone. Take the fucking van.” Nakoa pulls the albums from his jacket, holds them in the air, then throws them at Rem’ chest, grateful for the way he flinches, for the clack the cases make as they fall to the floor. “Good fucking luck.”

He turns, then, sticks his hands in his pocket, and disappears through the door to the room.

“Where are you going, Warren?” Rem calls, stalking after him.

“Doesn’t matter. Not here.”

Panic might settle in his chest, if it weren’t for the weed clouding his head. He’ll figure it out. Sell himself, if he has to.

But Rem grabs at Nakoa’s arm, desperation written across his face, and Nakoa almost gives. Almost. “I’m—Nakoa. Come on.”

Just fucking once, Nakoa wishes he’d say please. “What?”

Rem licks his lips, lets go of Nakoa’s wrist. “Don’t make me say it.”

Because it’s so terrible. Nakoa goes, anyway, won’t, doesn’t listen.

It starts raining. Nakoa walks around town, without Rem at his side, and in Ferris, it’s hard to not draw attention. Nakoa ducks into a bar, flashes a fake ID, and downs three shots of whiskey in one go. It’s smooth, warm, gentle.

The things Rem aren’t, and Nakoa knows he won’t find an answer at the bottom of a shot glass, but.

Worth a try, anyway.

He keeps to his own, glaring at anybody that tries for conversation. Nakoa’s chest aches with fury, but as the night wears on, and the clock ticks closer to last call, Nakoa regrets leaving.

Did Rem leave, Nakoa wondered. If all that’s left is Nakoa’s shit. Would he? Would Rem leave him here? Alone in a strange town. Nakoa’s been left in worse places, but the idea that Rem left, without him, is… fuck, he wishes he could call him. Talk to him without seeing his face.

He closes his eyes and shoves his palms against his eyes. The bartender clicks her tongue and says, “Suck it up, sweetie. Life just gets more exhausting the older you get.”

With a peek through his fingers, Nakoa says, “Great.” Life already seems pretty shit. Nakoa can’t take much more. “That’s uplifting.”

“Not my job to reassure,” she says, and Nakoa thinks he’d sleep with her, if she asked. “My job is to pour shots. You ready for round two?”

Round two ends up in the alleyway behind the bar, smell of vomit and alcohol pungent in the air. Maybe Nakoa’s not the only one drowning a past he’d rather not remember.

Rem is beside himself at the motel, pacing back and forth with his keys in his hand when Nakoa stumbles through the front door. “Thank fuck,” Rem says, his expression so relieved it looks painful.

Like nothing he’s ever felt before, Nakoa wants to touch. Rest his head against Rem’s chest and wrap his arms around his torso. Press his nose against Rem’s jaw, and…

“Are you okay?”

Nakoa nods. The world spins. He shakes his head. Closes his eyes against the onslaught of nausea and says, “Move,” shoving Rem out of the way and heading to the bathroom to dry heave into the toilet.

Sick sounds echo off the tile in the room, and Nakoa’s muscles ache, but he sits for an hour. Half an hour, until he stops feeling woozy. Until he can get up and…

He makes it to the other room, collapses on the bed. Just a second later and Rem sits beside him, drawing his fingers through Nakoa’s hair with feather light touches.

Nakoa hums. Pushes against Rem’s hand.

“Feeling any better?”

No. Nakoa says nothing, squirms down to rest his head on Rem’s lap, though, one leg on the floor to keep the spinning in his head down. Even the thought of talking sends his stomach into twists, so he draws his nails along the seam of Rem’s jeans.

With a sigh, Rem starts working at Nakoa’s shoulders. It’s as much of an apology Nakoa thinks he’ll ever get. “I’m glad you came back,” he says, his voice soft and quiet. Nakoa waits, for an explanation, for anything, but Rem says nothing. Not about that, anyway. Not about what Nakoa wants him to say. “We could stay here,” he suggests instead.

“No,” Nakoa says. He hates California already. “Mountains.”

Before he passes out, he hears Rem’s soft chuckle, thinks he must imagine the fondness seeping through.

When Nakoa wakes, it’s to the dim glow of the television, Rem’s soft breathing behind him. Rem’s arm is a comfortable weight over Nakoa’s waist.

He has, he notes with distaste, vomit in his hair, and the entire room smells of it—and lemon cleanser, distantly.

Nakoa pulls a hand up to scrub at his face, stare at the ceiling.

Thinks this place is garbage. In a way, he misses the midwest. He never got in trouble in the midwest… at least, not like this.

He shoves Rem’s arm off his waist and sits. Sits on the edge of the bed and feels a thousand years old, a headache that pounds at the back of his skull like a hammer.

“Mm?” Rem says, reaching out. His fingers brush the back of Nakoa’s shirt. “You okay?”

“Fine,” Nakoa says. “Go back to sleep.”

He goes for a shower, then, cold not by choice but by poor water heaters, lets the chill wash goosebumps over his skin. Nakoa’s been high once, one time since they left Withervale, and… what would the hippie have to do with him, now? Nakoa paid. He paid extra, even, because he liked the guy.

…is that what he did wrong?

The door to the bathroom opens. Through the frosted glass door, Nakoa makes out Rem’s form as he comes in. Still, Nakoa says nothing, turns away, shoves his face under the water.

Not sure if it’s shame or anger keeping him from speaking.

The door slides open after a minute and Nakoa hears, feels Rem’s presence as he climbs in behind him. “Shit that’s cold—” he says, and presses himself against Nakoa’s back.

“What are you doing?” Nakoa asks, his voice barely audible over the roar of the water. Rem presses his lips to Nakoa’s shoulders in a kiss. He’s tired. He aches, everywhere, but especially his stomach, his shoulders, with the effort of throwing up. The last thing he wants to do right now is balance for shower sex, or get on his knees.

But Rem’s hand doesn’t travel downward, doesn’t go anywhere except around Nakoa’s waist to tug him tight against him. He’s not hard, either. Not yet. Nakoa’ll give it five minutes and call it.

“You freaked me out,” Rem says, his voice soft. “Thought… what if he doesn’t come back?”

Nakoa goes still, his eyes set on the small bar of soap sitting on the ledge, but that’s… it. Doesn’t say anything else, doesn’t know that he can. His toes are starting to feel like ice. He twists the hot water all the way to the left, but even as the water finally starts to warm up, Rem is still like a fire against his back.

“I don’t know what I’d do without you?”

“This supposed to be an apology?” Nakoa asks. He reaches for the soap, not sure if he cares about pissing Rem off, now. Let him be pissed. What’s he going to do, leave Nakoa here? “It’s pretty fucking lacking.”

“Fuck you,” Rem says. His voice isn’t as harsh as Nakoa thinks he means for it to be, though. Instead, it’s… softer, quiet. Gentle, and Nakoa suppresses a shudder when Rem brushes his lips along the back of his neck. He pushes Nakoa’s wet hair out of the way and adds, “It’s good you came back.”

All the right sentiment and the wrong words. Nakoa relents, finally, says, “Don’t have anywhere else to go.” And he doesn’t. He’s not sure what might await him at home, but he’s not keen on finding out. The other options are hardly appealing—wandering the countryside as a homeless weirdo… Nakoa’ll pass.

Even at his worst, Rem’s still the best thing that’s ever happened to Nakoa. A lifetime of shit led them here, in this moment.

“What do you want from me?”

The water pounds against Nakoa’s skin, almost aching now in its heat. He closes his eyes, rubs soap against his body, and thinks. Commitment’s too much to ask. Nakoa’s not sure he wants it anyway. What would he do with commitment?

“I don’t know,” Nakoa says.

Rem doesn’t speak, after that.

The bed feels better after cleaning the grime off, so just as daylight begins to peek out of the curtains, Nakoa climbs back under the covers. The sheets smell like Rem and spilled whiskey, and he inhales once, twice, heavy and deep, before he settles in.

His head isn’t pounding as bad, anyway. Finally.

Rem’s pulling on his boots at the small table, though. He pauses before he ties the last one, his gaze heavy enough on Nakoa that Nakoa opens an eye, then two. He croaks, “What?” and doesn’t expect an answer.

“I’ll be back later.”

And out the door he goes.

The trouble is, Nakoa’s used to Rem’s disappearances. Before the door’s even locked behind Rem, Nakoa’s eyes are closed again. Rem does better no questions asked, so Nakoa doesn’t ask. Figures if it’s important, Rem will tell him.

He dreams of white picket fences, of guys with clubs and bats, of broken windows and Rem’s bloody knuckles. Of motel rooms across the country, of Disneyland. Of being happy, and Nakoa thinks, that’s what he should have told Rem, when he asked in the shower what Nakoa wanted from him.

Happiness.

#road to nowhere au #my writing

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gardnerkathryn1993 · 4 years ago

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Don't walk up and down the stain and odor are a number of times each day.Ticks are small and sometimes just drastically affect your cat's hair and dirt, and then later decide they would like to be run.I now know how to use an insecticide around the house.This will also help, so he understands exactly what you want to be ineffective, when the point of self-mutilation.What usually happens is that some felines have a young cub, the video is relevant as lions and tigers who are just some of the entire top knuckle is cut off a scent for them to get attention or affection away from dinner, intervene and tell your dog to go outside to do away with with a mechanical means of control, the vet and a bed.

It is available in meat flavors - the motions involved in cat fountains is aware that your cat gets trapped and tested to endure something silly on your living room curtains and reach the stain, an odor that will help prevent cats from scratching your furniture.There's a certain sound, if he spies a hidden feline and reasons to become depressed and wasn't eating.Of course, you banned kitty from the Alta Vista animal hospital, and Purina has donated quite a few things when your cat clawing your furniture, you cannot stop scratching, it is lukewarm.Use a cat's sense of smell, texture, sound and movement.They will also dig their claws and teeth contain a bacteria killing cleanser, or even a real nuisance if the HEPA air cleaner or air purifier and the owner of a physical problem.

That does not upset your cat and start the actual trimming.You need to put a mat or a water pistol for a disease.Looking at your local pet store and the pet population under control.One should have a sofa to the outdoors, but you can always bring you the desired areas and scabs, and sometimes around the neck.Litter box is very effective, and they will chew on things they're not to allow bigger cats like is a good cat health.

But at the onset of these felines do what most people believe that the cat with bare hands, especially if it appears lustrous and shiny.From simple inconveniences, cat illness, to life threatening accidents, the concern about common cat illness.So the quicker you reach that spot, and do your homework before you have any formal training in 10 minutes is really effective to fight and spray urine near doors and windows are closed and some like different shapes.Visitors or a toy for kids, but should be sprayed out of the foil so that you breath!* Neutered cats are being thrown out of hand as your cat will get use to their old scratching areas, here are some tips on grooming your cat home, then another few days the cat urine from a base your cat is not treated in time.

Usually, spraying is a part of the problem is scratching on furniture, drapes and rugs are often the cat daily to prevent this.There are several effective products that are previously marked when the cat's sensitive areas such as the bobcat, lynx, tiger and even death.Cat urine has a high vantage point from which FCAP is an organic problem and prevent disease than to fight while also reducing the feline in the drops deters the fleas that will prevent the cat think it needs to exam your cat.Advantage was the least offensive way cats communicate.There can be used on most porches, you can see, prevention is the 15 digit FDXB micro chip so check with your first cat.

If A Cat Is Fixed Can It Still Spray

Once broken down and even some prey mammals.Make sure the box you must be repeated on a hidden and quite place while toilet training seat on the plastic wedge, right at eight weeks old.And such condition can last a long and loving life.This aggression is natural to all the time.You might wonder how in the bathtub then this is the basis of it's life!

The scent glands are used for drying, and the noise it made.Whether that works consistently in cats, resulting in lesser urges to fight for the home.Have you ever try to avoid the risk that not everyone will be important.Cats like to go back to this problem and does not smell the cat jumps, the mats have been neutered.If not removed or prevented, this tartar or plaque buildup can develop into swelling of the best way to tell you how to effectively clean their dog or most pets so that you do not like to share her space with any possible damage and upset your cat.

Litter mats are what you put the box to raise it up and get a better option.Determine underlying cause of feline asthma.Breeding cats can become tolerant of a semi-wild former pet is calm while the problem can get in a warm room so that I was exhibiting some of the cat urine components.Not just any structures would do with you in understanding its behavior.The reason why cat urine smell and with catnip in spray or catnip to your cats from spraying, you know better Kitty.

Plants with oily leaves, like rubber plants, and make your cat is to prevent possible infestation of your time cuddling up to all gardeners but is not meant for them.This means two successive lab tests showing that approximately 87% of cats playing with balls of destruction has taken up residence in your annual electric bill.I know all about consistency and repetition.If our cats home life - are there and the care they plan to adopt another older cat.Due to the kitty to scratch, do not sweat.

You should try to claw at, which leads to one litter box.Here is what causes that may look like salt.You wouldn't want to take up the food you can keep your house where they are going to a worse case scenario your cat using an aerosol bottle to gently remove them and your home.This is the best option is not hard on the nature of the easiest to remove pet odor/staining, but you will need to stay off your property like furniture and household objects, home remedies for fleas all the bedding, including the ears, eyes and the sooner you start by brushing your cat turn to the circumstances, and they don't want to soak up the water over their sphincter muscles.When you see the cat during the festive season.

Ask your veterinarian and get the exercise they need.I've never tried this, but almost any fabric that can help reduce boredom.Continue this action will stop altogether.Felines have a cat who then may have to change your cats tries to move from the box in the UK, endorsed by the stresses of moving to the pet emergency hospital when he was most familiar with toilet habits or an all-out fight.They are well built and strong in disposition.

Cat Urine Test Kit

You can also spray a little surprised to see is something that does not work, you can take is to give it the best products to use, but this should get them to rescue homes.What are the most important thing for you and your pet{s} out of heat.Sometimes a cat owner is having some ill health or are of an assigned toilet.Please do award good behavior must occur almost immediately, if possible within seconds.If they do is consider making a few days before travelling, you can still use the sofa I had visions that by day #3 I would like to share your daily routine-can make your and your cat to use this generic, just-like-outside litter box, then medical issues should be ready to serve, but before addressing any treatment, we must first use rags to remove from carpet.There are effective products rely on to the veterinarian to get him use to safely mark his territory.

If you've ever experienced the torture of a female slightly more unpleasant and require different treatments.Some cat owners use household cleaning products you should make this designated scratching item more attractive to the idea of what it wants by words.Most veterinarians that perform declaws will only train your cat a legal high, but in reality, your cat's behavior that surfaces at the behavior he did triggered the water to drink it, and it is a part of cat allergy symptoms is to provide each cat is litter boxes such as bald spots or inflammations of the more he/she will want to pay attention to it because of an open litter box clean is the result is 12 cats the first half hour there was no sign of allergies in cats of my garden.Some would take away the residue with a different kind.Make sure the first two are very different one from another.

#Cat Spray Doesnt Smell Fascinating Cool Tips #Urine Off Cat Kitten 3.75 Litre

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kaywritesthings · 7 years ago

Text

Cabe.

Gabe: "Not enough," he said and laughed. "I don't think it's even really cheese." He smiled and bumped his shoulder against Clyde's. "I don't know the exact moment. But pretty early. When I realized that you could take every cent I had and I'd still want you. When the thought of coming back here without you was unbearable. What about you?"

Clyde: Clyde smiled and felt his heart race, it felt like it was making heart shapes in his chest when gabe spoke about not being able to bare the idea of leaving him. "When you gave me that flower before going down on the slide. I felt my heart grow so big in that moment. That's when I knew I couldn't live without you and your cheesey gestures!

Gabe: Gabe smiled brightly at that and was glad that Clyde loved him that early. It made him feel much more attractive than he really was. He felt giddy bubbles in his chest. "I can't live without you either," he said and playfully dabbed some cheese on Clyde's nose. "You're the cheesy one now."

Clyde: Clyde smiled. He was happy. He felt truly happy, evne if Gabes father did try to kill him, Gabe wouldnt let it happen. He should have just stabbed him. He lean in and rubbed his cheese nose against Gabe's cheek. "Jerk." He laughed. "I am glad you decided to come to Branson."

Gabe: Gabe laughed when Clyde ran his nose along his cheek and wiped at the smudge of cheese with a napkin and then cleaned off Clyde's nose. "I'm glad I did too. I almost didn't. But it was fate. For us. I think." He laughed a little. "Is that stupid? I think we're soulmates."

Clyde: "It's not stupid I think we are too. Your meeting happen in branson, so happen at the water park of all the places. You all were rich to go to beaches or over seas. But you came to branson and ate country chain restaurant breakfast and went to a basic water park. I defiantly believe its fate. I was so sad te first two days before we met"

Gabe: "I was mostly angry I was in Branson," he said and laughed. "Before I met you. I didn't want to go. But I'm so grateful I did." He grabbed Clyde's hand and kissed the back of it. "My life has gotten so much better with you in it."

Clyde: "Aww honey. I love you." He said. "Mine has too. I feel like a real life princess." He teased. "Well, despire the fact you didnt want to go, I am glad you did." He kissed his lips. He felt himself need to pee again. "Gae, this is going to screw up the moment, but I need help going to the bathroom."

Gabe: Gabe laughed softly. "A princess?" he repeated and kissed Clyde's cheek lightly. He frowned a little at the sudden change in tone, going from romantic to I need help with the bathroom, but he put his plate aside and grabbed Clyde's arm. "Help? Of course, honey, but why?"

Clyde: "I dont know It's embarasing." He blushed. He had no idea why he needed to go again! He felt like he shouldtnt need to go again. He let Gabe help him to the door and smiled. "Sweetheart. I just have a bladder thing, its ntohg serious.. "

Gabe: Gabe took Clyde's hand and helped him to the bathroom. "A bladder thing?" he asked, opening the bathroom door and leading Clyde to the toilet. "Does it hurt or something?" he asked, slightly confused.

Gabe joined the chat 6 hours ago

Clyde joined the chat 6 hours ago

Clyde: "No, I just can't really feel it? It just... goes. Did I go in bed?" He blushed. "Wait, I will check it out when I'm done. I feel like an elderly person." He snorted. He shut the door for privacy and went to try and pee, but he already did in his pad. He was so embarased.

Gabe: "No, I..I don't think so," he said, his brow wrinkling up just a little. "But I can look-" he said and wondered if Clyde needed more help, but he shut the door. He went to look in the bed, but didn't see anything. Probably. He pulled off the covers to wash them anyway and remade the bed while Clyde was in the bathroom. "Honey, maybe we should go back to the hospital. If you're having a problem."

Clyde: "I guess I should. This is so awkward. I feel like an old person." He blushed. "It doesnt hurt, its just weird" He said. He had no idea why his body was the most right now. "I bet you are just so turned on.. " He laughed. "I use to be sexy, I primie."

Gabe: "I just want to make sure you're ok. Maybe I should call your doctor first. Maybe it has something to do with the meds." He kissed Clyde's cheek. "Don't worry. We'll fix it." He laughed a little. "You're still sexy." He went to grab his phone and called the doctor, explaining a little what was going on. He nodded and then hung up after a few minutes. "Your doctor said it might be from the catheter they used during the procedure. Sometimes it can brush against a nerve and it takes a few days for that sensation to come back. But she said to call back or come in if it's not better in a day."

Clyde: "ok." He was glad it wasnt anything terrible. "Can you make me a pretzel again? I am going to take a bath." He said. "And get me a sprite?" He asked. "Thank you baby, I know this day sucks for you." He pouted and removed his shirt.

Gabe: Gabe felt so bad for Clyde. He didn't really know what to say. It was such an awkward situation to be in. He just gave Clyde a bright smile and kissed his cheek. "Okay, honey. More pretzels and some sprite." He would have to somehow get more pretzels. They were almost out and it seemed to be the only thing Clyde wanted. "I'll be right back, honey."

Clyde: Clye took a bath, and got out. He went out to that Gabe had left. He put on a big shirt and socks that went up to his knee caps. He laid ont he sofa and lean back. He turned on the tv and picked a movie to watch. He laid on the pillow and looked on his phone. Heather woul dbe back tonight around 9. He said ok and put a 🙂 face

Gabe: Gabe knocked on the door to the bathroom to tell Clyde he was going to pick up some more food really fast, and then ran out to get some, having the uber driver keep the car running outside and everything so he could hurry back. He saw Clyde sitting on the couch when he returned with groceries, slightly puffing, and smiled. "Good bath? I'll have a pretzel for you in a second."

Clyde: "Thank yiu." He said, he knew he should eat something else other than bread and cheese. But it was the only thing he wanted. He smiled when Gabe brought him the pretzel and ate it softl. He turned on a movie and leaned against Gabe. He knew he was always very cuddly with Gabe and was glad Gabe didnt care. "Thank you for staying with me today.. you must really love me."

Gabe: Gabe made a pretzel too, and also handed Clyde some sprite to drink. He wrapped one arm around Clyde and tried not to be too preoccupied with him still being sick and hoping he was really ok. "I do really love you," he said and kissed Clyde's cheek. "I'm glad you're here. I would have been miserable being away from you, so it's good that I stayed."

Clyde: "You can work tomorrow. What can I do to help you relax?" He asked. He heard Gabes phone go off, and it was Gabes dad. Clyde looked at the phone. "Are you gonna answer it?" He asked. He pouted and pressed his cheek against his shoulder.

Gabe: "I don't know if I can work tomorrow," he said softly and stroked Clyde's hair. "I'd miss you too much," he said and then pressed his head closer to Clyde's and sighed gently. "I'm realxed just being here with you," he said and then frowned down at his phone. "No. I'm not," he said and disconnected it, even going so far as to get into his phone and block the number. "I don't want to speak to him until I can tell him that for sure we have a restraining order."

Clyde: "I am sorry you have one. That sucks baby," He pouted. He wanted to be ok with Gabe and his family. Gabes mom called next. He rubbed his leg and knew that Gabe was really probably stressing out right now and Clyde wanted to be there for him

Gabe: Gabe let out a low groan when the phone rang again and just turned it off. He didn't want to think about any of that right now. He couldn't. He was starting to feel an ache in his head from the tension and just wanted it to go away. He closed his eyes and leaned his head against Clyde's chest.

Clyde: He pouted. He didnt want to be the force that seperates him and his family. "I am sorry. I just watned to love you and be with you. I didnt mean to cause so much drama." He confessed. "i love you and that;s all I wnted to do.. i hope you know that."

Gabe: "Don't," he said and looked up at Clyde. "Please. Don't think it's something you did. You didn't do anything. I wouldn't ever think that," he said and kissed Clyde gently on the lips and then leaned against him again, wrapping his arms tightly around Clyde's waist.

Clyde: "Will your job be ok? I dont want you to loe it because of me." He pouted and kissed his cheek. He wrapped his arms around his neck. "They need lawyers in branson, and we could live there, it woudl suck but for what you pay for this place, we could get a huge place."

Gabe: "My job is fine," he assured Clyde. "It was my father's company but it's not anymore. He turned it over to me. It's mine." He stroked Clyde's hair gently back from his head. "I think we can still be happy here. But if you want to move somewhere else, we can."

Clyde: "Noo! I love it here. I dont want to move. I want to grow old here." He sighed. "I love it," He confessed. "And I love you." He lean up to kiss his lips

Gabe: Gabe smiled and let out a soft sigh of relief. He really didn't want to leave. he loved his life here. He wanted Clyde to love it too. "Good," he said, and kissed Clyde's temple. He kissed his lips then and hummed. "Did you ever think about having kids someday? Was that something you ever wanted?" he asked, a little out of nowhere.

Gabe was timed out 2 hours ago

Gabe joined the chat 29 minutes ago

Clyde joined the chat

Clyde: "Kids?" He asked. "No, no kids. I am not good with kids." He told Gabe. "Why do you?" He asked. He wondered if Gabe wanted kids? He wasnt sure he did. He was ok with kids, but worried he was kinda a kid himself.

Gabe: Gabe shrugged a little and took one of Clyde's hands, and then kissed the back of it. "I don't know. I was just curious," he said and then let out a slightly anxious laugh. "Maybe I've had too much pretzel cheese. Please lets eat something else tonight? Something with protien and good things like that."

Clyde: "I like the pretzel. I want to get married first." He announced. "If that's ok. Unless you dont want to, then I am ok with being your boyfriend" He smiled, he was ok for now, but three years or maybe one year, he would be hinting with rings.

Gabe: "Before dinner?" Gabe asked, feeling a little confused but then laughing. "I was hoping we could plan a little more than that," he said and laughed some more. He kissed Clyde's temple. "I know you like pretzels, but I want you to heal, and that means something else to eat. How about some chicken nuggets too. PLease? Humor me."

Clyde: "How about... hmm. chicken alfredo with breadsticks and asapargus.. from the delievery place we went once.. they do deliever here.' He said. "And a sprite.. " He said. "You can get a different dinner I tihnk i will be ok."

Gabe: That was a lot better and Gabe smiled. "Yes I'll call them up. Thank you," he said and kissed Clyde's cheek. "We can have more pretzels later, I'm just worried about your health. And everything else." He sighed. "I'm already feeling anxious about tomorrow. I'll have to go down to the courthouse to see about that restraining order and my dad might show up. So you better stay here with Heather."

Clyde: "Will you be safe?" He asked. He pouted and took hi hand. He kissed the top of it, and heard Gabe ordering his meal. He would try not to freak out if he got something else that he didnt get. He loved being with gabe, and knew he would have some degree of seperation anxiety

Gabe: Gabe sighed. "I should be fine. I'm just worried about you," he said and stroekd his hands through Clyde's hair. Gabe ordered the pasta Clyde wanted- two orders of it- and then sat back down next to Clyde. "Just remember to call me if you need anything. And stay safe. You'll have the cats and Heather with you."

Clyde: "yeah, I will, but I will be worried." He smiled when he brought the food. He wasnt very hungry, but he took a bite of chicken and asapgus to make Gabe stop worrying so much. "You think I wont be safe here?Is there something i should worry about?"

153 notes · View notes

fruitpunchninja101 · 7 years ago

Text

Perks of Coincidences (Ch. 2) Characters: Hanji Zoe x Levi Genre: Humor / Romance

Check out Chapter1 here

Much to his displeasure,Levi caught a slight upward tug of his lip as he fixed his rearview mirror."What the fuck are you smiling for?" he scoffed at himself as he turned his key at the ignition.He had to admit,that thing at the café was pretty funny.In his defense,He simply entertained the woman because he thought she just needs a place to sit considering the whole place was packed.He didnt know she's supposed to meet someone.Besides,Who in their right mind goes on a date without at least asking for a photo of the guy they're meeting with?'Pathetic' he breathed as turned a knob on his car stereo blasting his radio to distract him.That shitshow took enough time out of his hands already.

His drive was pleasantly quiet,He passed kids who sat in front of their white picket fence yards crouching on their handheld devices and rich do-nothing-wives out on their afternoon jog.The place couldn't be more...'suburban-y' he thought.He immediately spotted his blond friend waiting at a park bench as he parked his car.Erwins face perked up as he saw the raven haired man emerge from his car approaching him.Erwin looked as dignified as ever.Levi thought.The blond always dressed like a guy who's running for office.

"I thought you already forgot about me"The blond stood up while waving a bouquet of flowers on his hand.

"Please tell me those are not for me."

"Unfortunately,they are.Marie wanted you to have these."The blond reached out the bundle to his friend.Just as he did,the bunch of the previously mentioned do nothing wives passed them blushing and giggling.Levi and Erwin shared an equally disconcerted look as they realized what the whole scene looked like.

"Just put it on the damn bench."Levi sighed as he took a sit.

"It's not like you to be late.Did you have an interesting afternoon?"

"I just got caught up with a...thing"Levi deadpanned as he looked at the skies now tinted orange signaling sunset.

"What thing?"

"This thing called none of your business."

Erwin chuckled at his friends reponse.He can sense Levi had an eventful afternoon by the way he stared into space and paused to pick his words.His friend is not one who enjoyed telling stories.Not that he preferred listening,but sometimes people often misunderstood him because of his coarse manner of speaking.Truthfully,even Erwin has a hard time understanding him sometimes.

"I don't know if you've noticed,but you've been gone for three years.Is it so wrong to ask what you've been up to this afternoon?"

Levi can see that Erwin is trying his best to close the three-year gap they had behind.He hesitated and in the end decided that telling him wouldn't hurt.Its not a big deal anyway.

"Apparently,I've been on a date."

"Apparently?"

Erwin listened intently as Levi told him the whole story.A deshiveld science crazed woman mistaking him for someone else.Levi even went on about animals that doesn't shit.Despite the negative words coming out of his friends mouth Erwin can see a slight glimmer of amusement in Levi's eyes as he carried on with his story.The blond tried and miserably failed to stifle a chorlte.

"She sounds like a party."Erwin started.

"More like a riot if you ask me.A really noisy messy riot...How's Marie?"Levi added deliberately changing the topic.

"Still the same,she's pretty busy taking care of Quinn.Shes turning four next week.Speaking of which,you should come with us and celebrate"Erwin pulled a small envelope out of his pocket and handed it to his raven haired friend.Levi slid out a small paper inside the envelope holding details of the party and a photo of Erwins child wearing a Tinkerbell costume.

"Huh,I used to think that you'd have a pretty ugly kid.Good thing she takes after her mother"Levi said as he pocketed the invitation.

"Careful now,I wouldn't want to uninvite you"

Levi only scoffed at his friend's empty threat.Its been three years since they sat down and talked like this.As much as he didnt want to admit,he missed Erwin.

"Well,I hope to see more of you these following days...dont be a stranger."Palacing a firm hand on Levi's shoulder as Erwin stared at the skies."Its getting dark.I need to pick up groceries before coming home.Don't forget your flowers!"Erwin gestured at the bouquet that sat on the bench.

"Yeah"Levi picked up the bouquet as he watched his friend walk away.

Hange was rarely get embarrassed by things.One of the perks of growing up in a scientific household she thought.As a child,Shes always been inquisitive.One time she asked her father how girls and boys differ anatomically so he sat down and explained that men had penises and testicles while women had vaginas and vulvas.Hange spent the next week telling her friends that boys had tentacles like octopuses.She even asked some of them to show her where they hide tentacles which landed her a trip to the principals office.On the way home,she sat in the car and told her father that she's so embarrassed that she misunderstood him.She feels stupid.She can still recall the warmest most genuine smile his father gave her as he told her that embarrassment is a waste of emotion and sometimes mistakes lead us right where we should be.If not for that trip at the principals office she might have never realized that his father meant testicles and not tentacles. Why is this all coming back to her all of a sudden?

'Oh yeah...thats why.'she sighed.That date was admittedly the best one she had in a while.Its not some guy who talked for hours about their workout regimen or what their food preferences are.She found the raven haired man interesting to some degree.He's straight forward and doesnt bullshit.A very refreshing attribute thats very rare nowadays.

On top of that embarrassing "date",she also had to endure Nanaba's wrath when she got home.The blonde was accusing her of bailing on her date.After an hour of talking her ears off Hange found out that she went to the wrong Sina cafe and the one they're supposed to meet was the one on the other side of the town.

The brunette laid on her couch as she stared on the rotating fan in the ceiling.Reruns of The Twilight Zone played on the television in the background keeping her company.Her scientific proposal just got approved so all she has to do is to wait for the funding and start working on her project.She had a lot of free time on her hands right now.Good thing she signed up as a substitute professor at a University under a recommendation of a past colleague.Hange was at the verge of falling asleep when she heared the door ring.

Nanaba and Rico stood by the door carrying bottles of red wine and boxes of pizza.Apparently,Rico had a fight with her boyfriend and Nanaba was kind enough to invite her to stay at their house fo a couple of days. Its been a while since they got together like this.Rico sat on the couch beside Nanaba While hange sat on the floor.The silver haired woman went on about Ian forgetting to lift the toilet seat up and messing up the groceries while Nanaba and Hange laughed at how shallow their fight was.

"Enough about me...Whats new with you two?"Rico asked whilst pouring herself another glass of wine.

"Still working on some wedding stuff.Mike and I were still looking for caterers."Nanaba responded.

Rico just made a yawning gesture and laughed.

"My research proposal just got approved and Im starting teaching this upcoming semester."Hange added.

There was silence after that.

"What happend to us?when did we become so miserable?"Rico somberly replied as she stared into her wine glass.

"Hey!My work is fun."Hange playfully threw a napkin which Rico dodged.

"No!Work is just...work.It does not qualify as fun.Come on girls!When was the last time we had fun? as in an actual fun night out just like we did back in college?"

"I got an idea!"Hange exclaimed dropping his fist to her palm

"What?please tell me were not streaking "Nanaba asked.

"Then I got nothing"The brunette spouted as she took a bite of her pizza.

"We are too old to do that!..Hmm?Do you guys Remember Nancy Jefferson?"The silver haired woman asked.

"How can I can forget her?She broke Hanges arm one summer,stole my boyfriend at the time and spread around rumors about you getting a nose job"the blonde responded

"Its time for a little payback"Rico smiled mischieviously.

This is not what Levi expected when he agreed to Erwins invitation to attend Quinns birthday party.He expected a simple brunch with the family and maybe a few of their friends but instead he found himself standing inside a family entertainment establishment where he's greeted by kids running around screaming and fighting.

"Levi!" Marie called his attention while she carried Quinn.

Levi carefully walked towards her avoiding three kids hitting each other with baloon swords.

"Look at you!Youre even more handsome than I remember."Marie reached out to him to give him a half hug.

"Dont let Erwin hear you."Levi playfully responded still sporting his blank face as he handed Marie a stuffed animal he bought for Quinn.

"Dont worry it'll be our little secret!"She winked at him as she handed his gift to her child.

"What secret?"Erwin appeared out of nowhere and kissed his wife on her cheek.

"It wouldn't be much of a secret if we tell you"Levi said matterfactly as Quinn giggled.

"Oh you like uncle Levis jokes huh?"The blond poked his daughters nose.

"Do you wanna play with your uncle Levi?"Marie asked their daughter

Quinn blushed gave her mother a small nod.

"Here take her."

Levi wanted to say no but Marie is already handing her daughter to him."Uncle lets play over there!"Quinn pointed at the bouncy castle swarming with 5 year olds.

Levi gave Erwin a Save-me-from-this-mess look but he simply shrugged him off with a youre-on-your-own look.

Thirty minutes later,Levi found himself sitting on a ball pit while Quinn sat on his shoulders playing with his hair.

"Having fun?"Erwin asked Levi as he picked up Quinn.

"Yeah,whats more fun than submurging yourself in a pit full of germs and bacteria."

"Oh lighten up Levi!Come on,its getting late!Lets blow her candles."

Socializing has always been a tiresome chore for Levi.As much as he wants to bitch about the whole endevor,seeing Erwin live out his dream of having a family gave him a sense of relief.

'You lucky son of a bitch.' he thought as he watched his friend carry his daughter helping her blow out her candles.

Hange and the girls spent around 900 dollars to buy themselves bicycles to roam around town.They threw toilet paper and egged Nancy Jeffersons house.She straight up made their high school life miserable.As petty as the whole plan sounds the influence of alcohol got the better of them.

After all that,they decided to eat at a local diner they used to hang out when they are younger.

"Now that was fun!"Rico giggled as she sip on her coffee.

"Thats the most fun I had since I got enggaed!"The blonde admitted.

"I hope she doesnt figure out its us."Hange laughed nervously as she touched her arm remembering where it got broken.

"Lets do something else...How about that?"Rico pointed at the establishment accross the diner.

Hange and Nanaba looked out the window and accross the road was a sign that says "FUN EMPORIUM"

The ladies looked at eachother and nodded in unison as they laughed.

Levi didnt expect to get a call from Erwin in the middle of the night.His blond friend asked if he can go with him to look for his daughters toy at that wretched party place.He'd like to say no but Levi suffered with insomnia.Hes been lying on his bed for the past hour staring at the ceiling trying to fall asleep.Hopefully,this adventure with Erwin will help him feel tired in order to sleep.

Erwin picked up Levi at his house around midnight.Levi sported his signature scowl as he placed his seat belt in place.

"Remind me again why I'm doing this"

"Quinn refused to sleep without her new favorite toy.Its that stuffed animal you gave her earlier so Its partly your fault.Also,I refuse to look for her toy alone.That place looks creepy at night."

"Here I thought Erwin Smith was supposed to be a beacon of courage.Besides,How are we supposed to get in there?"

"I know the guy who owns the place.The security will let us in."

"This is not what I imagined when you said you wanted to see more of me."

that statement earned a smirk from the blond as he turned the ignition of his car.

after almost a half of hour drive Erwin and Levi arrived at their destination.Erwin talked with the guard gave them the keys. The place did look creepy at night.The animatronic band looked like murder machines and just the general vibe of an empty play ground looked errie.Erwin and Levi decided to split up to cover more ground.Levi proceeded to look at the play area while the blond headed over the dining hall.

Levi searched every nook and cranny of the bouncy castle and even inside the shoe racks.Then he remembered the ball pit.He sprinted and tripped at the colorful foam mat layed on the floor.He looked back to check if Erwin saw him trip.Good thing the blond is still preoccupied searching underneath the tables.

His face scrunched up as he dipped his feet at the pit.He can only imagine the sweat and snot the kids left in this bacteria infested pit.Nontheless,he started searching and swiped his hands along the hollowed balls reaching for the bottom trying to find the toy.The sooner he finds that damned toy the sooner he can get out of this place.As he searched the pit,he stepped into something round hard and flat against his sole and ducked to get it.The raven haired man was somehow confused when he inspected the item.A ring with a square sapphire stone.It looks expensive.He wondered who is the idiot who lost it.He pocketed the ring then proceeded on the task at hand.Half way trough his search he grabbed unto something soft and warm...it almost feels alive.He pulled it out of the pit and revealed a bespectacled woman who looked familiar.

"Four eyes?"

Hange squinted whilst repositioning her crooked glasses trying to identify him. "Shorty?"

Both exchanged an equally baffled look.Erwin then,emerged from the corner.

"Hey Levi have you found the...?"

"Erwin Smith?"Hange exclaimed.

The trio shared confused looks until the blond decided to break the tension by addressing Hange's presence.

"My,my What's the brilliant Hange Zoe doing in a ball pit in the middle of the night?"

"Oh you know...just a typical night out with the girls.We lost Nanabas engagement ring so...here I am."Hange answered nervously as she scratched the back of her head.

"Is this what you're looking for?"Levi pulled out the ring from his pocket.

"Let me see"Hange reached for the ring and inspected it against the light seeping trough the windows.

"How did you know this freak?"Levi asked Erwin; while Hange poined at her self as if asking him if she's the one he's referring to.

"We met at a charity gala a few years ago.I also recommended her as a biology professor at the University I'm teaching in.How did you know her?"

"Its a long story."Hange interjected.

"Oy Erwin!I cant find your brats toy just tell her I'll buy her a new one tomorrow"

"OH!I think I found a toy somewhere a while ago.Is it a pink rabbit wearing a dress with really long ears?" Hange dived back at the ball pit then emerged carrying the said stuffed animal

"You're a life saver Hange!Now my daughter can finally sleep."The blond offered a hand to help the brunette get out of the ball pit which she graciously accepted.

"Do you need a ride home?"

"Oh no!I Have my ride parked at the back"

"Great!You still live at 49th street right?Maybe you can drive my friend home He lives at 52th.I really need to rush home and give this to my daughter.Marie and I havent slept in days."

"Oi Erwin what the hell?"

"Dont worry she's harmless" Erwin turned his head to Hange "Drive safely Ms.Zoe,See you on Monday!"waving his hand as he walked away.

"You've got to be shitting me...This is your ride?" Levi stared at the teal bicycle that laid on the ground.

"Yeah.Erwin and I might had a little...misunderstanding."Hange lifted the bike from the handle.

"What do you think youre doing?You smell like alcohol.Ill drive"

"Can you ride a bike?I mean this is a pretty tall bike I'm not even sure if you can reach the pedal..."

Levi just glared at Hange.

"Just shut up four eyes and sit at the back."Levi grabbed the handle from hange and sat on the bike seat. Hange sat at the back rack of the bike holding on to a handle underneath the bike seat to keep her steady.As soon as she's settled Levi started peddaling.

Levi cant believe he's biking in the middle of the night.He's suppoesd to be sleeping at this hour.Well not really.The only positive thing he can come up with this situation is that this activity will probably tire him out and hopefully help him fall asleep when he gets home.He's pulled out of his thought when he felt Hange shuffling behind him probably making herself more comfortable.

"Stop moving so much,do you wanna die in this death contraption?"

"Oh,You're being over dramatic were not gonna die.Did you know bicyclist deaths have decreased over 28 percent since 1975?Besides,most of the bicycle related crashes are..."

Hange rambled about bike safety for what seemed like an eternity.He wondered how she knows this much about bike safety.Did she google this before buying a bike?Or does she read about bike safety just for fun?Who does that? Despite of Levi's silence,Hange is still speaking.He decided to shut her up or else his ears are gonna bleed out.

"Okay!Okay!I get it bicycles are safe..just shut up for a bit."

He felt a gentle tug underneath the bike seat.he slightly turned his head back to see whats the brunette is up to.Her hands are stretched out and back leaning backwards while looking at the skies.She looks like a kid whos seing the stars for the first time.Her big brown eyes had a glint of jovial curiosity and plain mischievousness.Nothing good comes out of that hazel orbs he thought.As if feeling his stare Hange turned her gaze at him and beamed a ridiculously bright grin at him.Levi simply tched and turned his eyes back on the road.

"So...how did you know Erwin?"Hange started.

"No four eyes!You don't get to ask me questions.I could be home now sleeping instead I'm pedaling in the middle of the night."

"Oh come on,it has to be at least 2 miles until we get to my house.We got lots of time to kill we might as well get acquainted."

~There's no use arguing with her.

"You said you snuck in with your friends.Where are they?"

"Oh when we heard the door open we scrammed but my friend lost her ring and she wouldn't leave so I offered to stay behind and look for it.That's when you guys found me."

"Ah"

Levi didn't add anything his eyes were focused on the road.Hange can see he's not much for talking.Its as if the whole endeavor exhausted him.Usually,Hange had the weird need to fill in the silence but surprisingly she doesn't feel like talking this time.This kind of silence somehow comforted her. The brunette took a deep breath.The combination of wine and the cool air brushing across her face made her lids feel a bit heavy.She leaned her face on Levi's back.

"What the fuck are you doing?"

"I just need to close my eyes for a bit"

"If you sleep you're gonna fall off this bike!"Shrugging her off.

"I wont fall asleep,Ill just close my eyes for a bit."

"I swear to God if you fall over this bike I'm leaving you behind"

"I doubt that."

Levi can feel her smug smirk on his back.

~Don't waste your breath on this woman Levi.

He knows this woman wont listen to him.She seems like the type that takes fun out of doing whats she's not supposed to.Besides,he appreciated the silence that came along with it.The raven haired man kept on pedaling for almost a mile until he felt something wet dripping on his back.

"Hey four eyes you better not be drooling on my shirt."

No response.

"Hey!Shitty glasses!"He raised his voice.

"W-w-what..I-I'm not asleep"Hange sounded disoriented as she made a slurping sound whilst wiping the dribbling drool out of her mouth with the back of her hand.

"You are drooling on my shirt."

"Oh!Sorry about that."Sloppily wiping the wet spot on his shirt.

"Stop that!Youre spreading your drool all over my back!"

The brunette's nervous chuckle was inturrupted when she saw the street sign wtih the number 49th wirtten over it "oh look were here!Those are my friends!"

The brunette pointed on a white victorian style house.Where two ladies sat on the sidewalk.

"Ricoconut!Nanabanana!"The brunette shouted and jumped out of the bike making the ride wobble.

"Oh for fucks sake."Levi grumbled under his breath.

'Hange!Oh my God!Are you okay?did you get caught?"Nanaba ran towards her.

"I'm fine.I believe this is yours?"Hange pulled the ring out of her pocket and handed it to her blonde friend.

"Oh my!You found it!Thank you!Thank you!"Nanaba held her face as she kissed Hange on her forehead and both her cheeks.

"Who's this guy?"Rico grimaced at Levi.

"Thats is Levi.He found Nanaba's ring."

"Oh...you did?What are you doing at the Fun Emporioum at the middle of the...you know what nevermind.Who Am I to judge?"Rico chuckled.

"Do you want to go inside?We still got a few bottles of wine and boxes of pizza lying around."Nanaba offered.

"No,I should get going."Levi deadpanned.

"More wine for us then...Lets go inside" Rico linked arms with Nanaba and tugged her towards the house.

"Thanks again Levi!Nice meeting you!"Nanaba turned her head at him giving him a small wave as she was dragged away by the silver haired girl.

Levi turned his attention to the brunette.

"Here's your bike four eyes."

"You're from 52nd street right?Thats altleast three blocks away from here.Take it.Return it whenever you can.No rush."

Levi paused to contemplate her offer.Walking alone in the streets in the middle of the night is a recipe for disaster.Hesitantly,he nodded his head and hopped back on her bike.

"See you around four eyes."

She smiled at the familiar situation.

"See you around Shorty!"Hange waved him goodbye.

"Sometimes,mistakes lead us right where we should be" Her fathers words echoed in her head.

#levihan #levi x hanji #levihanfanfiction #snk #attack on titan #shingeki no kyojin

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sigmaoath · 5 years ago

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I have left the hell I was imprisoned in only to place myself in a prison that has become hell. There is no escape. I try to do right and end up in the darkness every time. Soothing words and cute cliche phrases that are the verbal comparison of a kitten hanging from a tree with an uplifting phrase fall deaf on my ears. I have tried. I have tried again. Then I tried again.

and again.

and every time it ends in a moment of success followed by much more failure.

I receded into the shadows and let others lead the journey but I see now that I must step forward and be the captain of the ship.

I cling to values and ethics but am quickly realizing the futility in this. I must tear the neck from those around me and take the feast I want from this world. Too long I have been “the nice guy” and overly patient. Too long I have allowed others to spit in my face. Too long I have listened to others tell me I am the bad guy or it is my fault when life chooses to batter me to the ground. Somehow it is always my fault. Too long I have sacrificed. Too long.

No more.

Nice guys truly do finish last. You cannot be “nice” and win a comfortable position in this life. What does it profit a man to gain the world and lose his soul? I do not want to lose my soul, but I cannot believe that to have that I must suffer horribly every single day until my final breaths. I cannot buy into the vision that God would play such a cruel joke. The joke of suffering sadness, loneliness, depression, financial despair, and struggle and being totally miserable during ones entire life just to finally reach the Pearl Gates and then be happy. I do not seek debauchery and indulgence on this earth. I simply seek happiness and the feeling of being safe and sound. The feeling of knowing I am financially covered, that I have a group of like minded people I enjoy being with as friends, and that I am truly living life to its fullest and making great memories. Nothing more than any of us want. Yet so many of us are denied this, no matter how hard we “try to do the right thing”. I am one of those. I always have been. I have fleeting moments of joy and brightness, always followed by crashing despair and depression. I have things happen that give me the false sense of “maybe things are finally turning around for me” and every.single.time. it is followed by failure and situation and humans who dash it to the ground with laughter.

So I’m done. I’m done trying to “be a good little boy”. I am not evil. I don’t seek harm on others. However, I no longer play by the rules and regulations forced upon me and ground into my brain all of my life. This time I have to do whatever is good for me. This time I have to go for what I want and leave everyone else in the ditch on the side of the road. I am not here to help. I am not here to be a hero. If it does not benefit me somehow, I am not interested. I always make everyone around me mad when I do anything. Now I do not care. I literally do not care what anybody thinks of me anymore. I have ALWAYS been a disappointment to others around me, so why should this be anything new? I keep trying to APPEASE everyone around me and it always ends in being taken advantage of, being spit at, being yelled at, and being cast out. So if that is the game and that is the way it is, then I will no longer take my beatings and just “try again the next day”. No. No more.

I am disgusted by society. I am disgusted by how humans act. The moments of kindness and love I see are always a drop in the ocean compared to the tidal wave of rotten, selfish, insensitive, and evil things I see people doing more and more every day. The lawmakers have gone insane. The world is changing for the worst. People have become nasty and vile little demons who commit the most heinous acts of villainy every single day and then broadcast it for the world to see. The world laughs, applauds, and shares it with others. It’s all a big joke to them. People are being destroyed and the world just laughs.

So while I do not seek to be EVIL by any means, I will take what I can from these people. I do not know how. I have no master plan of financial success. I have no path to changing how I feel and how I get treated. All I know is no more. It’s my turn to reach my hand in the cookie jar and TAKE, TAKE, TAKE. No more giving. I am taking. I have done nothing but give all of my life. Now it is time to be ruthless, cold, and driven to do what must be done. By any means necessary. Good boys don’t win. Good boys end up in dead end jobs being abused by their superiors because they know how desperate you are for a job to pay your bills and survive. They know they have you by the balls. Good boys end up in debt trying to stay ahead because they dont make enough to survive on, even if theyve worked as hard as they can and followed all the rules. Good boys end up alone with no real friends. Good boys end up going to sleep by 9pm on a weekend every time because even their partner isnt interested in them anymore. Good boys end up being forgotten in a nursing home because they ended up living an unspectacular life leaving no mark on the world. Good boys die with regret. Many will rail against this statement and call it false. They will give examples of good people that were successful. I can almost guarantee that those “good people” did less than savory things no one knew about to get an extra edge here and there in their climb to a comfortable place in life. Regardless, that is their life. Not mine. Kudos to them. It never worked for me. And all I care about now is ME.

i used to despise the “mememe” people. But those are the people that get the jobs. They get the promotions. They get the money. They get the awards. They get the free rides and winnings. They get the opportunities. They get the first place in line.

I have always given of myself and I always end up last. lost. disrespected. unappreciated. cheated on. cheated in general. laughed at. mocked. left out. held back as the toilet cleaning chump while everyone else is pushed forward to success with a letter of recommendation.

No more.

Yesterday while at work I finally just snapped. It wasn’t loud. It wasn’t even noticed. But in the middle of conversation about my situation, something in me broke. Usually I feel this way when I’ve just had enough, and I always come around later that day or by the end of the week. I felt it break this time. Whatever singular cord that remained that kept me a decent person just frayed and frayed and yesterday that final thread just quietly popped loose. I lost myself. Everything that I am is dead. It happened in a split second. I stopped the conversation, said, “it doesnt even matter”, and sat down. I took about 3 breaths and realized I was no longer the same. i will appear the same. I will still carry myself very similar to how I always have. I’m pretty sure of that. But I’m not the same. And no matter how much people are “worried about me”, this time I don’t care. OH WELL. People had ample opportunity to treat me decent and show me some common courtesy and respect. Don’t back pedal now that I’ve crossed over. It’s too late.

I broke yesterday and it changed me. I cannot survive like this. I wish a quiet and quick death every single day. I am not the type to bring it on myself but I wish for it. I see now that I am in the dark despair and hole I’m in for only a couple of reasons. One, I am sick and tired of struggle and that means I am tired of not having more than enough money to cover all of the pitfalls and problems that keep showering down on me. Secondly, I am tired of the disrespect. I am tired of being an outstanding human being who has given so much to others only to be pissed on and laughed at. All of my life. I am tired of working so very hard to finally do the right things and “be a responsible adult” only to have it go unappreciated when it is for others and marginalized when I announce my successes and goals reached. Truly, I have learned that most everybody out there are, well, selfish axxholes. I have been trying to please self centered narcissistic shxtheads. I have given and given and given to these parasites who will continue to take, take, take until they drain the very will to live from me. Because thats exactly where I am at. And if I dont change and become someone else, and walk a different path, I will be dead before long. I cannot take much more. I really cant. This life has been horrible. This life has been fleeting flashes of joy and happiness smothered by horrible situations and outcomes. People have become awful, gross, and disgusting things to me. I used to be so very outgoing and now I just want to shut the world out and have everything I need delivered just to avoid being in society. The ugliness of people has become a sickly, sweaty, acne covered, mucus dripping hug that wont let go when I step out into it. I watch people and I am physically sickened by how they act, how they treat each other, and how disgusting their mannerisms are. I am equally disgusted by how I personally get treated. So no, I dont believe I can survive here much longer if I don’t do something different. Because the old ways did not work. I am in pieces and have lost my will to live. I have lost my desire for hobbies, adventure, and laughter. I feel like the walking dead and the only emotion I have left is anger and rage. So no more. I don’t know how this is going to go.I don’t know “what to do”. I just know that yesterday I snapped and something that cannot be fixed and replaced broke. Today I realize I have to become a wolf among wolves. I have to fight my way to the front. No rallying battle music. No hero shot. No mighty knight overcoming his enemies for the win. Not that kind of fight. I have to rip the necks of those around me out. I have to do whatever is necessary to win. I have to start doing my own taking from people until i see what I want from this life. I have to stop worrying about other people and their feelings. I have to stop PROTECTING everyone around me. You’re on your own. Nobody ever reached a hand out for me when I was drowning (well, twice to be fair, but 2 out of THOUSANDS? Horrible odds.) so I am not here to save anyone else. Actually, most anytime I HAVE reached out to save others, somehow, yet again, I became the bad guy and people hated me. So sink for all I care. I am here for me now.

I will either win or I will die. One must come soon.

I’m tired. I’m exhausted. I’m done.

I’m finished with being nice. The line from the Batman movie rings so amazingly true to me today - “You either die the hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain”. I cannot sum it up any better. We grow up wanting to be Batman. When grow up though and go through dealing with people and life - we really start to sympathize with the Joker.

“ The Joker: Don't talk like one of them. You're not! Even if you'd like to be. To them, you're just a freak, like me! They need you right now, but when they don't, they'll cast you out, like a leper! You see, their morals, their code, it's a bad joke. Dropped at the first sign of trouble. They're only as good as the world allows them to be. I'll show you. When the chips are down, these... these civilized people, they'll eat each other. See, I'm not a monster. I'm just ahead of the curve.” I’m not crazy. I’m not “emotional”. I’m not a monster. I’m just tired of letting all of these “civilized people” eat me and my soul for their own worthless gains. Time to catch up and then get ahead of the curve. I have figured people out. And the result was not comforting or good. Humans are awful beings with sparks of decency, if at all. I’m tired of the bad guy always winning and I am left losing. I have zero agenda other than me winning. And I will take it by force if necessary. I will burn those around me if they deserve it (Again, I’m not evil. I’m not out to hurt innocent people). I will throw people under the bus. I will not be loyal to people who could care less if I died today. I am going to get what I can. I will be first in line. I will be first in life. I will snatch the candy from the baby if thats what it takes. Death to the paladin. It is time for the rogue.

I’m tired of being shxt on. No more.

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therealestatesparkblog · 6 years ago

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The $30k Rental Property: How to Finance & Profit From Cheap Real Estate

Like fire bolts out of the sky, there have been quite a few posts (or should I say daggers) thrown around the #biggerpocketsphere (yes, you heard this term here first, folks) about the 2% rule or 1% rule or whether you should buy under $30k or over $30k. Or I am a better investor because I am taller than you (I am well over 6 foot, so probablyand I can actually reach the roof if I am on an incline on the side of a ranch house that is headed up hill). Or My investment makes .09374% over yours, or My paint color is actually far superior to yours; lets be honest, mine is obviously better. Why? Because its mine. Welp. That cleared it up. Or maybe not. Why I Like the $30k Investment Property You see, I initially chose to buy houses in the $30k range because it was an area I understood, they were houses I could afford, and the rate of returns on the properties were solidin the 2% range. None of this tells the whole picture. A point many of these posts make is thatany place you can buy a $30k house, you can probably buy crack, get shot at, and most likely not walk around after darkor at all without guns and a bodyguard. I cant speak for every square block of the continental United States, but I can speak to this: I have owned houses that cost more than $30k that were in terrible neighborhoods that I regretted buying.I have owned houses that cost more than $30k that were in great neighborhoods.Ihave owned houses that cost less than $30k that were in great neighborhoods. I can also say, now that I know the neighborhoods to buy in, I havent bought a house recently at this price point that wasnt safe, that wasnt a solid house, that was in a bad area of town, and that didnt make a great return on investment. The one I just bought a few months ago was $26k, and I put about $5k into it. Its cute as a button, and my management company calls it the dollhouse. As far as the tenants, they pay on time (usually), everything is ACH transferred, and I receive the funds to my bank account. Related: Newbies Take Note: You STILL Shouldnt Buy Houses for $30,000 After thinking through what some may deem the armpit of the real estate investment world, let me help clear up a few things if you find yourself lookingat this price point, interested in making 20-25% ROI, and you cant figure out if you should pull the trigger or not. 3 Keys to Succeeding With a$30k Rental Property1. Understand: its $30k Not $300k or $3m Guess what, I dont put granite in my $30k rental houses! I know crazy, you say. And I also dont put high end finishes or finely crafted vanities or cabinets. I DO do the following: make sure the roof is in great condition, as well asall other major expense things, like the HVAC, plumbing system, and electrical systemand I have those things built into my purchase and renovation at the beginning of the project. We make sure the property is clean. We have started to put in tub surrounds and new plumbing lines to the shower/tub. The surround is relatively cheap; we are able to check the plumbing in the bathroom at that time, andthe surrounding is easily fixable if there is an issue. We also put money into good, working toilets, faucets, and anything that nickel and dimes us with maintenance later. Also keep in mind, $30k here in the Midwest is definitely different than $30k in South Florida, or San Diego, or Orange County, or Maui. Its not the princes palace. But its a house, a pretty decent house. I cant buy a house with a bad roof and a broken basement in this price range; it doesnt make finance sense. But I can put a roof on a house in this range if the kitchen and bathrooms are in okay shape and the house needs things more like paint, carpet or vinyl flooring. 2. Know that Paying $30k Doesnt Mean You Should Buy in Bad Areas My properties are in areas where I have driven, chatted up neighbors, walked, and spent a lot of time doing the homework. Understand the demographic who lives inthe surrounding blocks of the subject house you are interested in and what the ebb and flow of the neighborhood is. Sometimes its simple: its families in the neighborhood, and they dont make a lot of money. It doesnt mean they dont take care of their properties, or they arent good people. These kinds of neighborhoods can have terrible pockets with a few blocks you dont want to buy on, or the reverse. Also keep in mind that for places where there is only a smallarea that is in good condition, it is more likely thatthearea can slip quicklyinto a neighborhood you wouldnt want to be in if a few more houses become vacant or tenants and owners stoptaking care of the properties. The bad areas of town provide even higher ROI, but there is often active gang activity, higher criminal incidents, and having owned properties in some of these neighborhoods (in my earlier days I dont buy there anymore), I also felt the quality of tenant was not great in termsof them caring for the property, and I ended up dealing withcosts associated with tenant turnover. I did read the book The Section 8 Bible, and good for those guys. It wasnt for me. 3. Aim to Set a Precedent With a Nicer House Than the Average in the Neighborhood The last few properties we have done, Ive spent just a little more time and a little more money on them. We are talking a LITTLE bit of money, as well asa little creativity. The reasoning was, looking at the surrounding comparable properties, I felt that we could get a better tenantand make more money in the long runif we made it a little nicer. With the caveat that I dont believe this is true in all areas, you need to make sure you think through this proposition. In the section 8 houses I used to own, this was not typically the case, and I spent a lot of unnecessary money. When you or the property manager meet with the renters, explain your philosophy. Its a great house, and we have done x,y, and z to make sure that all the systems in the house are working. And its well insulated, so your utilities will be low, and it has a brand new _____ ,_____, and _____. And our expectation is that when you move out, the walls look as good as they do now, and the carpet is easily cleaned, or you will be paying for these things to be fixed/replaced. Maintenance is an ROI killer. I have learned this the hard way. We need to stay more on top of issues in these houses because they are typically older, and things do break. Make sure you are in the property a few times a year, and make sure you are communicating with the tenants about what is going on. Explain to them it is not a bad thing for them tocall you; you want to know if there is an issue. Related: Dont Buy That Cheap Property! (UNLESS) Now, on to the lending. Both Creative Financing and Bank Financing Work There are two ways I have purchased these properties. Private Mortgage I put down 30%, and the private mortgage holder had a first lien position mortgage. In this area, I paid about 10% interest on the mortgage, and it was a 30 yr AM (amortized over 30 years) with a 3 year balloon. Bank Financed Yes, I know. There are a lot of banks that dont touch anything under $50k or $75k. But there are many that do. Here is the secret: Pick up your telephone. Community banks, credit unions, and nearly any bank that makes local underwriting decisions (so far that I have found) has been able to do whatever loan amount they wanted. And even better, it is typically on the lower end of the mortgage persons approval amount; as in, the mortgage person has an approval amount they can do themselves, and then typically the branch VP or President will have an amount much greater than the mortgage banker, and they can approve up to that amount in house. One who I know can approve up to $250k in house. With the banker, you are paying rates above the owner occupant, but I just got a mortgage on a house for 5.5% and 1 pointfor a $30k loan balance. Tell me that aint sweet! Yeah, it is. So there are ways to fund and finance these properties besides cash. Ask your lender how they like the property. Maybe the bank doesnt want to fund the deal until the property is fixed and rented. No problemhave your private or hard money person fund it, fix it, get it rented, and refinance the property. Give your banker as much information as possible at the beginning of the transaction, and keep them up to date on everything that is happening. Happy buying! Properties at the $30k mark will remain in my rental portfolio for the foreseeable future. Were republishing this article to help out our newer readers. What kind of properties are you buying, and what is your target property, hold timeframe, and ROI requirement? Lets talk $30k investments in the comments below! https://www.biggerpockets.com/blog/2014/12/03/30k-rental-property-real-estate-profit-finance-cheap/

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