#'i have to take meds or else ill bleed out through my ass' was not how i expected to get the disabled label but. such life goes

[klbzplb]

hospital doodles

[corpseglider]

mirror by @yamihere004​

synopsis: you and corpse, together through thick and thin (submitted post)

pairing: corpse husband x s/o!reader (gn)

tw: broken objects (mirrors, glasses), slight mentions of blood

☁️ directory

“U-um guys I want to take a break I will join back when I am done,” Corpse said while muting himself on discord and stream, took off his headphones and sighed loudly.

You looked up from your laptop in concern. “Corpse?” you asked softly, “Is everything alright?”

“No shit,” he muttered, “I am going to the bathroom.”

Concerned about your boyfriend, you headed to his setup and read through the stream chat.

Again and again, most were asking Corpse about when he will be doing a face reveal, and asking about his past, same questions.

You sighed in disbelief. They never understood him. Showing anything about him was out of his comfort zone. It took him 2 hours to post his first ‘hand pic’. Him blowing up online and getting popular on the Internet had been bothering him for a least a month already and you were worried about his health since the start.

I should probably go check on him, you thought as you walked out of the room, heading to the bathroom quietly.

But then you heard sniffles. A yell. Then a crash of glass. A scream.

“NO! No, no, no… I can’t, I can’t-” 

You rushed into the bathroom, opening the door with a bang. 

Corpse just curled up and sat on the floor, face in his bleeding hands, shards of mirror fell around him, reflecting light everywhere. His eyepatch flung across the room.

He broke the bathroom mirror.

You kneel down next to him, pushing the shards away from you two carefully. Slowly, he raised his head to look at you, tears welling up in his eyes.

You pulled him into your embrace, slowly running your hand through his curly hair. Your small frame held his large frame close to your chest.

“Don’t hold it back, Corpse,” you comforted him quietly, “let it out. I am here now, you’re safe.”

Started with the tiny whimpers against you, he started shaking vigorously, and the sobs came. He screamed and cried, and boy did he cry. Your heart broke seeing him so vulnerable. You would kill anyone who dared harm him in any way. You held him close, letting him cry it all out, mumbling sweet nothings to him.

After quite a while he finally calmed down, he mumbled something against your chest. “Hmm?” you asked softly. “I am not a person that people should look up to,” he mumbled, pulling away. Looking at his bleeding fingers, he whispered, “I am a mess…”

You stood up to grab the first aid kit and guided Corpse to sit on the toilet counter, pushing the glass shards away from him.

“People have been asking about you face again right,” you said, cleaning cuts on his knuckles.

“I do not like my face. At all. I am nothing close to pretty or sexy. I’m just-” he looked back to you, unsure about what to say.

“You.” you completed the sentence for him. After all, you had been hearing this statement for over twenty times at night talking to him.

He let out a quiet hiss as the alcohol glazed through one of the deeper cuts and you let out a short apology.

“Isn’t it great though?” you asked. “You are being you. You cannot be replaced by anyone else boo.”

“It hurts to see my face like this, with dark circles around my eyes and shit. And people still ask questions about my face.” He muttered. “I looked so shitty and I lost it and broke the mirror.” He confessed shyly.

You looked back to him and smiled briefly. “It’s alright. I will clean the room after I clean you up. It has been a while since you had a breakdown, we should call it an improvement yeah?”

He nodded and watched you focus on bandaging his hands up. He was in awe. You never saw him as a mess he thought he was. He loved you, and you loved him.

“How did I even end up finding you?” He mumbled, and you hummed back in response. “I couldn’t even reply to my friends’ texts properly or take my meds normally on time and there’s you. Like an angel. Guarding my ugly messy ass. I don’t deserve you.”

You gasped at him, tears welling up in your eyes. Grabbing a black rose from the vase at the corner of the counter, you slipped it behind his ear slowly and pushed a strand of hair away from his face. You held his large hands with your smaller ones and said to him,

“I am the one who doesn’t deserve you, my sweet angel.”

You leaned in with your tippy toes and pecked him on his forehead, and you both closed your eyes to treasure the moment.

Corpse looked up to you and cupped your face. “Thank you.”

“Anytime, sweetheart.” You smiled, “I am your guardian angel after all. Now let’s get you back onto the floor, yeah?”

You watched him carefully slid back onto the floor and slowly walked towards the door like a child. He looked back at you, waiting for you to come along with him.

“Let me clean your eyepatch first boo,” you reminded him as you reached for it and washed it in the sink.

“Ohh yeah the stream is still going,” he realised, “oh no…”

“You will be fine,” you reassured him as you helped him put on his eyepatch, keeping the rose on his ear, “the fans will understand. You needed a break.”

“Stay?” He asked you, pouting, as you have arrived back in front of his computer.

“Always, darling.” You pulled up a chair next to him and held his hand while he continued the stream, chatting back happily to his friends telling them he was okay now, and everything is fine.

“I’m good now, my guardian angel is here.” He looked at you smiling as he took your hand and gave it a kiss.

Illness and welfare might have taken his adolescence away, but you were going to make sure he would have the best part of it with you, even if it was a few years late.

☁️ taglist

@weeblyheaux @sicnesa @shinyyoonie @propertyofdindjarin @locallolli @meiiyue @agustdpeach @cupicchino @reddeserths @the0nlychrissy @sunset-d-rive @annshit @brynaven3552 @sloppycoochie-com @literallyobsessedfandoms @inkhearthes @danny-devitowo @moneybagmara @susceptible-but-siriusexual @wildflowerwhore @im-slowly-dying-but-its-okay @hartsyvibes @arghm8ty @buckyluvrs @simpforsimka @harryscurls21 @sucker-for-my-fandoms @95lover @princezukohere @arossebyanyothername @letsloveimagines @unknown-and-invisible @emmapotato88 @babyhoneystvles @havehope2k16 @bbybarness @leilanixx @rd-crew @sunnsettee @baby-jichu @yoongi-holland @teenloves @xaestheticalien @yongboxerrr @simonsbluee @cherry-piee @jules-and-gemss @11116i @pinkrosezx @whathasateezdonetome @atsumubabe @xxkatgotyourtonguexx @mae-musicbitch @gday5sos @melmachh @janndishsstuff @sophiaedits @bombardia @iamsuchasimp @ecwashburn1129 @phoenixambers @wineandionysus @heartbroken-writer @eternalteaaars @undead-nyx @unwxtedxoxo @lauravic @main-feetoffthetable @mythicalamphitrite @ukiyolixx @strangenerdsstuff @sophiaedits @anyasthoughts @nightdayrenegade @corpse-mcyt @daviddobriksleftnut @carleywhittaker @vincent-stargogh @musicxliife @gr4ssie @a-damsel-butmakeitlesbian @laazullii @mkitrainhoe @hstylesphoto

[callsignbaphomet]

My aunt drove me to the appointment and I was hesitant at first because she is...a stress factor in my life. I know for sure she doesn't mean to be and I'm sure she doesn't even realize she's doing it but it ain't easy talking to her. I feel like my entire family is prone to playing the victim.

Example. A few years ago my aunt planned out a vacation for all of us to go on. The majority of us didn't want to go. It started disastrously bad when my idiot brother wanted to take the long way which here in PR it means going through the middle of the island which meant taking roads that were curves over curves over curves. I get car/motion sickness. I said this aloud. My aunt and my mom have witnessed this first hand. Solution? I gotta drive to avoid throwing up. I didn't want to drive because I didn't know the directions, even then we got super lost, and I was on some medication that forced my p****d out and I didn't wanna go on this vacation but was forced to go (this is me as an adult btw 😐).

So what happened? We had to pull over so I could throw up on the side of the road. I was beyond pissed. The rest of the week went from bad to worse. My sister and her husband insisted that all they wanted to do was go to the beach. I don't like going to the beach, I don't like swimming, I don't like pools, I don't like getting wet. First time at the beach I was on the shore overheating and heavily bleeding and I looked miserable but yeah I'm soooo glad that bitch and her bitch husband had soooo much fun.

Following day they (sister and her husband) wanted to go to another beach. My mom spoke up and said I wouldn't be able to go into the water and didn't think it was fun to just sit at the shore all day. Someone finally remembered me 🙄

So C, who had had enough of the trip since the start had been super quiet and I got a little angry at him for not speaking up either. Turns out he was on the phone searching for interesting things to do in the area aside from going to the fucking beach. So he asked my aunt if he and I could borrow her car. She said okay and during the entire stay all they did was follow my idiot sister from one beach to another, that's ALL they did. Beach hopping.

Meanwhile C and I went to see some weird salt flats, we saw a fuck old lighthouse and befriended some cats, we went to a really old church with an amazingly beautiful garden full of flowers. On the third day we went out to a park and had ice cream. Loooots of ice cream. So all in all C managed to make that disaster better. When he and I got back to the apartment my sister was putting on a show about how C and I didn't wanna spend time with the family.

Dude, I went from 0 to 1 trillion in 1 second and I swear I was gonna lunge at her but C grabbed me basically by the scruff of the neck and held me back and quietly said, "If that's what you think that's a you problem." and we went to take a shower. Which btw only had two temperatures: third degree burn and lava coming out of Satan's butthole. You can imagine how great that felt in the middle of summer in the south side of PR.

Fourth day was an all out disaster cuz my idiot brother, who btw, first day there kicked me and C out cuz he wanted our room cuz it was the only one with ac and he needed it because his crack whore ass was detoxing from some meds. Was yelling and screaming about going to kill himself (read: he wanted something and no one was indulging him so he used the excuse to kill himself to manipulate my mom and aunt to get him what he wanted).

That day was a mess of people pointing fingers and mostly my sister shoving blame everywhere and basically calling out my aunt for making us all go on this vacation when no one else wanted to go.

Drive back was awkward as fuck all with my aunt crying and feeling bad and me and C on damage control. She was super mad that all they did was go to the beach and asked me and C about all we did so we did and tried to make her feel better because my sister told her she has a lot of flaws she needs to work on and now she all boo hoo. Sure, my sister coulda worded it better but I'm glad it happened.

My aunt is one of those "my way or the highway" type of people. She gets set on one thing and noooooothing will change her mind. She constantly hounds me about doing something "productive" with my art. I often just shrug and ignore her but this is constant. I don't sketch in front of her anymore because it's every single time. She also doesn't take social clues, she outright ignores them on purpose. If a subject makes someone uncomfortable she'll keep prying because in her eyes you're probably not working hard enough or doing your best.

On the way to the doctor she brought up art again. I outright told her I wasn't going to do it. I wanted to say not everything has to be about making money but I held on to that one. I told her it was hard to establish a network, that I would be competing with thousands and thousands of people and that it was hard.

All she got outta that was that everything is hard and I'd have to work hard to get out there and establish myself.

Bruh...I was stunned.

So I outright told her no. I don't want to. My art is for peace of mind and she dropped it but I just know she'll bring it up again.

Look. As a hobbyist my art is okay but me charging people for that??? Who the fuck would??? Pay for that???? Jfc.

So we moved on to yet another uncomfortable subject and she said I may have ptsd. Dude...no offense but ya ain't a doctor (thank fuck). So she told me I should check to see a psychologist because then I'd have the tools to handle things better. Fair. I have been thinking about that to see if maybe I can finally get an answer to several things or if maybe I'm making all this dumb shit up in my head. But that was about all the logical shit she said.

She even thinks people are actually not working because they wanna live off unemployment and don't wanna work.

My face went blank. I tried explaining to her that people are protesting unsafe work environments, slave labor/wages, shitty bosses and she heard all of that (granted maybe I could explained it better) and all she said was, "You gotta start somewhere and from there go up".

Then it struck me that of course she'd never understand. This woman NEVER had to work during her entire years of college or even her master's. She has NEVER worked a minimum wage job ever in her entire life. I wanna find articles on what is going on with that and send them to her. She's all of what I said and more but she can sooooometimes see reason. To be honest I'm angry and disappointed in her. She always seemed to adhere to more open minded concepts in terms of society, how differences in generations was good for all of us in general, who's taken to learning what she can about mental illnesses and trauma and so on. She still has much to learn about those last two, she still can't comprehand how me making phone calls scares the fuck outta me, but it's a start? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Idk I just needed to let all of that out. I love her, she's done a lot for me but she's also been a source of stress for me and I can't openly talk to her about anything because she's not easy to talk to. Sorry for the length.

[amazingcreek]

ok

I know I joke about mental health and mental illness a lot here, but here are some reminders for my pals (and me tbh) with depression or anxiety (or both shout-out to all my double whammies out there).

There is mild cursing, some mention of potential triggers that are in purple before the content, and obvs open talk about mental illness and care. Just letting y'all know before you get there.

this'll be a long boi, but also feel free to add on:

half-assing things is ok. can't brush your teeth twice a day? do it once. can't shower? dry shampoo, a face wash and some deodorant is ok too. you didn't eat breakfast/lunch/limbo meal? no problem a snack until the next meal is ok. life isn't all or nothing. don't hold yourself to unrealistic standards.

start with taking care of your body. eating, cleaning, and sleeping are a priority always. get those down before you start piling on more goals/expectations/habits.

use weekends as recovery days. especially for those of us in school, the weekdays can wear you the heck out, as well as cause you a ton of stress and build up. treat the weekends as your time to release all of that, and prepare you for the next day.

try and add a very simple, very easy thing to every day. for example, drinking a cup of tea in a certain time every day. whapam. you did something that day.

it's ok to cry. especially over things you think are silly. try not to hold it in forever. crying, yelling, getting emotional is ok.

if you're thinking/considering/deciding on a treatment, and you don't feel comfortable with a conventional one (like being uncomfy with meds, or talking to a therapist) that's ok. not everything works for everyone, and sometimes treatment seems like this big scary hurdle you have to jump over somehow, so it's ok to not rush to do it.

sometimes, you'll get triggered and you don't know why. that's ok. don't be anxious about being anxious, but if you are, take a deep breath and distract yourself in a positive way.

progress isn't linear. that's said a lot, and may not make sense, so here's the best way i can make it out: you don't have to be perfect all the time. if you skip a day of that simple thing you tried to add, that's ok. couldn't exercise? you're ok. you're still worthy of treatment, of getting better, of feeling good just because you haven't been always going up.

this is just something my therapist told me, and i thought i'd pass it on cause it's kinda funny: give that motherfucker in your head a name. give your mental illnesses a name, and it might help you understand it better and make it not so big (if that makes sense). (my anxiety's name is harold, and my depression's name is janice, if you were wondering).

it won't always be pretty, and don't let anyone else downplay the not pretty days just because they don't understand why. self care might be half-assing it for two weeks and getting out of bed to sit somewhere else for the day and that's fine. don't let anyone patronize or degrade the steps you need to take to get through.

*this won't apply for all of you, and it has to do with self-harm so brace yourselves* you remember the whole progress isn't linear? yeah well, if you self-harm, and you slip up, you are still worthy. this isn't a step back, ok? it's just part of your road forward. and if you still think about doing it, or want to do it, you're still worthy. you're still ok. you're still fighting.

*gonna put another warning here bc it won't apply to all of you and has to do with violence/suicide* you aren't your intrusive thoughts. you aren't your suicidal thoughts. you can have these and not be terrible. you can have these and still be ok. you are allowed to have bad thoughts, because sometimes those thoughts aren't you. and you are worthy of living. you are worthy of life. and you damn well are worth it. and it's ok to have a very small thing to live for, like the cookies you were going to bake tomorrow, the concert in four months, the pet you have that loves you, the plant you're growing, that gift card you wanna spend, the new video coming out next week, whatever. it's ok to not be ok, but you can still cling to hope for a time, a day, a moment, a second where it will be ok.

it's ok if a smile doesn't mean happiness. it's ok if you're not shaking but you're still anxious. it's ok if you're not scarred or your nails aren't bleeding or your lips are ok or you're remembering everything or your grades are good or you're exercising or whatever but you still feel like shit. you don't need to prove anything to anyone. you don't have to be physically impaired to be mentally not ok.

lastly: you might not love your whole self. you might not like any of yourself. but find one thing that you at least tolerate. maybe it's the cool pattern your freckles make. maybe it's the color of your hair. maybe it's the way you can make the vulcan "v" with your fingers. i dunno. but try and find that one thing. so at least you can say "i'm ok with this."

i know the struggle is real. and freaking know my messages are always open, even if it's something you think is stupid. i really like stupid things. it's ok to be scared. it's ok to be content. you're not alone.

stay alive. ||-//

[nny11writes]

Declarations, Mental Health, and Other Things You Never Asked Me to Explain About Myself but I’m Gonna Anyways

Ok, it's been almost a year since my last update on this and I wanted to explain myself a bit? And also share my story a bit??? 

This is all personal stuff so no need to read if you can’t handle it right now or don’t want to handle it. You’re not obligated to, but I felt it was important to share all this.

Here’s hoping the “Keep Reading” link works!

cw: anxiety, depression, mental health, suicidal ideation, nightmares

SO. Last year I had been working in a hostile working environment under an abusive supervisor for 2 years. One of the things I had done a right before I got that job (and was unemployed, depressed, and heavily suicidal) was I picked up writing fanfiction again. I had been in about a two or three year dry spell where I was writing fanfiction but never posting. Just writing it for me. And then I'd unceremoniously dropped all after posting a Mass Effect fic that had great response/reviews. Because the pressure was too much for me.

I found SW: TCW while unemployed and desperately seeking something to help lift my spirits and distract me from my known but untreated mental health. I wanted VERY desperately to find something enjoyable in life again. I was literally only alive because I was afraid of where my cat would be placed when I died. I kept seeing interesting meta posts from MyLordShesaCactus and AlexKablob about someone called Barriss Offee and someone called Ahsoka Tano. Deciding that I had literally nothing to lose I gave the show a watch.

It was a lifeline. During a time where I regularly had nightmares of being a robot that was torn apart and decommissioned, or dreams where I'd barely nick myself and suddenly start bleeding out, SW TCW became an obsession. I was years too late to the fandom but I still found active people and love for this girl who was a little Too Much and a little Too Pushy and a little Too Scared to Fail. Ahsoka hits all my bingo slots for characters I project heavily onto. And soon enough my nightmares, while still consistent, were no longer a given. Sometimes I dreamed about star wars instead. The first time I had a dream where I WAS Ahsoka Tano I woke up and cried because I'd felt so good.

Then I got hired in what I thought was a life affirming and saving way, and instead was shoved into a different kind of hell. I became so depressed that first year that I self harmed by starving myself and denying myself sleep. Which, of course, makes it worse. I started writing "Twilight" as a way to cope with my increasing intrusive thoughts about suicide and physical self harm. Then it became a way to deal with intrusive thoughts about wanting to harm others. I needed an outlet and was denying that I need medication to manage my mental health.

I didn’t expect anyone to read it and like it. I thought people would hate it. Because it was awful because I’m awful, and therefore nothing I did could be good.

But people did like it. A lot.

Then I was escorted to Psychiatric Emergency Services because I wanted to kill myself on the job. The whole episode is a little weird in my mind, time warped a bit and I remember crying nonstop and being unable to stop shouting, but when I look back what I remember most is feeling completely calm. Calm and soft and light. I think that was due to me finally verbalizing my thoughts and seeing that others did care. That I wasn’t some worthless pest to them. When I got to PES enough time passed that I got my panic attack under control, and when a psychiatrist finally saw me I downplayed the whole incident out of fear I was going to be institutionalized. I was scared as fuck in my little temp room in my little plastic chair staring at my hospital band and desperately hoping that none of the other people there would talk to me. So when I saw professionals I lied. I got a doctor’s note to stay out of work for two days and went home.

I finally had to admit to myself that I was not doing well. I was not handling my anxiety or depression. I was not ok and that it was ok to not be ok.

I was still scared to get professional help.

Instead, I spent that November participating in NaNoWriMo, where I wrote what would later become the first several chapters of “The Apprenticeship”. The first installment to the Close But No Cigar AU. I decided that I wanted and needed to write something that was happier. Ahsoka Tano made me happy and I wanted to do something good, anything good (for once in my fucking life). And convinced that I’d never done a good thing and never could, I decided to do a good thing first for a fictional character. So in I went to a story where Ahsoka Tano was an anxious wreck of a person, but had support and help and love. Into a world where Anakin Skywalker got the sort of help he needed. A place where they could all still meet and be friends and be family. Not somewhere with no pain, but somewhere softer.

The next month I finally got a PCP, and at the ass crack of 2017 I finally got medicated again.

I had already posted the first chapter of The Apprenticeship and energized by the meds and the reviews I got hard to work on finishing that story.

Funny thing about medicine, it’s a hassle and often the first thing you take is a unique struggle that requires adjustment. My first medication seemed great! For about two weeks! Then I developed a hand tremor so serious I couldn’t feed myself. That night I seriously struggled to not drive my car into the oncoming traffic lane and avoided all bridges on my way home from work. What I took helped my depressive symptoms but made my anxiety worse. The hand tremor was also a serious and rare side effect. The next day I was off that medicine and on a new one along with gabapentin to help the tremors.

Writing was difficult as fuck with my fingers shaking and twitching on the keyboard but I needed it as much as my medicine.

The new stuff worked out much better for me, we tweaked the dosage and I’m still on it. I’m glad to be on it!

Let’s do a little time skip shall we? That summer, a year after my experience at PES, I started writing Declarations. I wanted to see more Ahsoka & Obi-Wan content. They seemed like two people who should be close friends, have more of a father-daughter relationship, and general be together more than they were on screen. I found the idea of two Temple raised Jedi, who seem to break a bit from the mold and thinking of the Order, exploring their feelings for one another to be fascinating. I quickly realized that it would work really well to show that they are both mentally ill as well. I don’t like the term “mental illness” but it is accurate so I use it.

So I seeded it in from the start. I wanted to have two good people with anxiety and depression and PTSD and who knows what else find each other and help each other out! I wanted Ahsoka and Obi-Wan to be happy damn it!

So I started writing the story I wanted to see.

And unwittingly did what I had already been doing, pouring my own personal self into the story.

I’m not saying that putting some of yourself into your writing is bad, it really isn’t! Writing can be an amazing tool to explore your own experiences and sort your own feelings. I had been using it for over a year at that point to help cope with my own awful experiences, many of which I was still having to live with and through.

What happened for me is that I put a little too much of myself into this story. At the same time I was doing that my supervisor had gotten even stranger and in some ways worse. I didn’t have daily dread of being fired but I still had daily dread over who I would find when I arrived. My supervisor came in two flavors: Angry and Blaming, or Sweet and Frivolous. I still can’t decide if she was really just that abusive or if she also could use a helping hand in the mental health department. I really can’t. She did abuse me verbally and emotionally at work, she did gaslight me, she did scare me. I’m not saying that she wasn’t an abuser at all but I just don’t know if she was that way because she needs help too.

I hope she gets help if she needs it. But I’ll be grateful if I never have to see her again in my life.

Back to Declarations.

I put too much in and it had great reviews and lots of love, and I got very nervous and defensive over it. Too defensive and nervous over it. I really want to shout out to White_Ithiliel again, because she really helped me make this fic A LOT BETTER. Like, A LOT. Y’all don’t even realize what she has saved you from!! In the process she also has had to deal with my wild anxiety issues and defensiveness.

Seriously, thank you for everything you’ve done for this fic and your endless patience with me!

The latest chapter I wrote in the spring of 2018, we started going back and forth with edits in the summer, and then I panicked over a good question and point she made. She wrote back and I very nervously peeked at her cropped response (the “show less” version) sometime around October 2018. My abusive supervisor had left but I had been asked to work with/under another lady who wasn’t not my supervisor. She was almost equally bad in another direction for me. My anxiety spiked and my depression got terrible again around the time we were working on this chapter. I saw literally half a sentence and read it weirdly, panicked, had a good cry, and closed the document.

I literally haven’t been in the head space to look at it since then.

My best friend moved in with me that fall, but he’d just had a suicide attempt a few month before. My own mental health, as I mentioned, was plummeting. This past winter my depression got out of hand. I stopped going to my band practices, I nearly stopped writing, I was exhausted. The only reason I didn’t go back to eating poorly and treating myself like shit was because he was there, and just having someone be physically there who I knew cared about me made a huge difference. If I had popcorn for dinner too often, he’d make us a frozen pizza. If I drank too much (and I abused alcohol this past winter for sure), he was there to help me with the hangover and violent sickness. Thank god for my best friend! My suicidal ideation went up but I didn’t become suicidal. This was the first winter in almost a decade where I haven’t wanted to seriously kill myself at some point. I had flashes of it, moments where the bottom of the world dropped out but they lasted for minutes or hours instead of weeks and months.

I talk to him a lot about my fics and fandoms, and he very patiently listens and helps me work through it all. He lets me read him what I’ve written or what I’m reading if I think it’s funny, and we talked a lot about this chapter of Declarations and my reaction to a sincere question regarding its content and characterizations. He offered to look at the chapter with me and see what my editor/beta’s response had actually been versus what I was afraid it was.

I turned him down in November for that because I realized I needed space and time away from this particular fic. This story where I made myself into Ahsoka and Obi-Wan and Anakin, which I could no longer separate the fictional world I had created from the emotions I was feeling about my “real life”.

White_Ithiliel, I am so SO sorry I never responded. I know my silence was probably anxiety inducing too. I want to say again that you didn’t do anything wrong or rude or mean to me. I just wasn’t mentally in a place to be doing what I was doing, and needed to turn myself off and on again.

Today, after having a full week of writing and nearly daily updating fics I enjoy I realized that my life has changed since winter.

I am at a new job with wonderful people that I really enjoy. It pays better so I’m also less stressed about money. My benefits finally kick in today and I plan on getting me a therapist soon along with a new PCP. I’m doing alright. I’m doing better than I have in years.

A huge part of that is thanks to having people PM me here on tumblr and being so genuinely enthusiastic about the stories that I write. So here’s to you all for helping me through my funk over the years, giving me ideas, and giving me a damn good laugh! dontcallmebugaboo

thirdbroomstick

woeful-woods

bobkitten

Gabby(Kirasoka)

And of course ithiliel-the-french-tolkiendil (AKA White_Ithiliel)

Y’all have been life savers, maybe even more so than I realized until I decided to write this whole crazy thing out!

Thanks to all of you, even those who just leave me a kudos or a like, I’ve been trucking along. Fandom has literally saved my life multiple times, and probably will again.

So today, feeling high on my new found writing powers, I finally went in and finished editing for the latest chapter of Declarations! Hell yeah me! :D

That said! I’m putting it on a formal hiatus!

I have the next chapter written (not edited) and several chapter ideas throw out on the page, but I also think I still need more time away from this story. I want to finish Declarations (y’all don’t understand how BADLY I WANT TO FINISH IT), but I also know that right now, where we are, we are literally on SEASON ONE, EPISODE 2.

Legit the next chapter takes place after the malevolence (AKA Episode 2 of season 1).

And we are currently over 32k in.

This is gonna be a long ass haul fic everybody. I didn’t expect it to be, I didn’t mean it to be, I wasn’t planning on it. I meant for it to be maybe 10 chapters and be super vague about the timeline.

But I think I’m just as much in love with this story as a lot of you are and dang it I want more! That means I have to write more, and that means I need to give myself space to actually be approaching it as a story.

And not as something I wish was happening in my life.

To anyone still reading, thank you, this thing was long than some of the stories I’ve written! But I wanted to share this. Yes, to explain why Declarations is currently in carbonite. But more importantly to talk about mental health.

Mental health fucking sucks my dudes. It’s hard and it’s messy and sometimes it comes out of nowhere and then leaves after eating your favorite snacks and cold clocking you at 3 AM.

I’ve been on a hell of a journey.

And a lot of you are too.

I’m not “tumblr famous” and I don’t think I’m any sort of well known fandom writer. But There’s enough of you out there that I wanted to post this in case you need to know that you’re not alone out there.

If any of you EVER need to talk, please shoot me a message! I’m legit down to talk about my fics, about your fics, about meta, theories, characters, what ifs, AU’s, etc. I’m ALSO legit down to talk about mental health and all the messy things that come with that. If you want to chat with someone about your fears, your ideation, your intrusive thoughts, HIT ME UP!

You’ve all been here for me, even though you didn’t know it.

I’d like to return that favor. So anytime, anyplace, please hit me up. I promise, nothing you’ve done is unacceptable or beyond the line. 

After all, in case you’d like a breakdown of the way I had a breakdown this last year, in the span of 10 hours I literally: 

Accidentally self inserted myself into a fic and didn’t realize it until asked about why characters were acting that way, got angry over someone not knowing what I didn’t even know especially when it wasn’t explicit, then immediately felt like the Worst Person ever for getting mad and anxious, went home and cried ugly sobs on my cat, debated if I deserved to live before immediately deciding that DUH OF COURSE I DO, but that I was just a sad sack and everyone knew it, ate one single can of vienna sausage directly out of the can for dinner, washed it down with waaaay too much box wine, cried again about fictional characters because I had “ruined” them, asked my best friend (drunkenly mind you) if I was a good person because I thought I was secretly the worst and a manipulator b/c I self inserted myself into my own fanfiction, and then spent the next 6 months or so anxiously opening and closing my google doc in fear of What I Might Learn About Myself or worse the discovery that I Had Been A Bad Person b/c I stated my thought process out clearly but obviously that’s just “mean” to do because I am a bad and can’t not do mean or something! 

Like...I get why I did it but fucks sake me. It took a lot of broken logic to get there. Looking back I don’t know how I did that actually. This is a self call out. I am @ing myself.

So, yeah.

Not sure how to end this. So...uh, feel free to talk to me if you want to!

[toutorii]

Various Honoka HCS

Cause Im self indulgent 😌

⁃ So when Noka was a baby, neither her dad, Shirou or Daiki knew what the hell to do with her wings.

⁃ Her first word was "Daiai" which was exposed to be "Daiki"

⁃ Daiki would call Noka "baby bird" and mo one will tell me otherwise

⁃ He also called Shirou "buddy"

⁃ She would fly around and their dad would make Shirou chase her down. Cause by this point, Daiki had already “joined” AfO.

⁃ When Shirou and Noka were taken in by their uncle, he just slept and let her do whatever.

⁃ Their uncle, also known as Eraserhead, was a very kind guardian

⁃ He went to each of Shirou's ballet concerts, and did Noka's hair for picture day

⁃ If you looked through his search history it would be filled with "how to do a braid for beginners"

⁃ Aizawa bought Noka various art supplies and bought Shirou new shoes whenever they needed them

⁃ He also worried for his nephew, who went missing right before Noka and Shirou ended up in his custody

⁃ Didnt want Noka or Shirou to become heroes

⁃ Cause he didnt want to see the two children he practically raised to be hurt

⁃ But because of their ties to All for One, the government forced both of them to become heros to "prove" that they had severed their bonds with All for One

⁃ Shirou's dream was to become a professional dancer and Noka's was to become a professional artist

⁃ And Aizawa was not happy that the two lights in his life were torn from their dreams

⁃ And so Shirou got accepted into the hero program, in class 1-A

⁃ He chose the hero name Shifter

⁃ Cause he could shift into any organic form

⁃ When he got 3rd place at the sports festival, Noka ran around her uncle's apartment screaming with joy

⁃ Noka is literally his biggest fan

⁃ Noka's first friend was a small purple haired boy name Hitoshi Shinsou

⁃ So naturally, she called him Toshi

⁃ And she refused to call him anything else all throughout middle and high school

⁃ Shinsou and Noka have sleepovers all the time and you can't tell me otherwise

⁃ When people would tell Shinsou that his quirk was villainous, Noka would always speak up cause she knew Shinsou wouldnt contradict them

⁃ Noka is always like that

⁃ Speaking up for others and herself. And her smart mouth tends to get her in trouble

⁃ Shinsou would fuss over Noka's wings. Like if they were dirty or a few feathers were out of place, Shinsou would sit her down and fix her wings.

⁃ "Toshi, your inner mom is showing"

⁃ "Its not my fault you cant take proper care of your wings"

⁃ When she told Shinsou about her acceptance into U.A's med course, he couldn't have been prouder

⁃ Noka is actually the one who encouraged Shinsou to train with her uncle.

⁃ But before that lets talk about Noka's time at U.A. so far

⁃ She was first introduced to class 1-A during the first combat training

⁃ Healed everyone who got very minor injuries

⁃ At the USJ attack, Shigiraki deteriorated part of Noka's hip. But her extremely enhanced natural healing abilities stopped the deterioration

⁃ So she has this big ass scar on the back side of her left hip

⁃ She wanted to absolutely murder Shigiraki for letting the Nomu loose on her uncle

⁃ But she doesnt have any damaging fire power

⁃ So she just tried to heal her uncle's wounds the best she could

⁃ Nearly gets herself killed many times with her smart assery

⁃ And gives everyone around her a heart attack in the process

⁃ During the sports festival, she helped RG heal all the students

⁃ Reprimanded Deku for overusing OfA

⁃ Oh yeah, she learned about AfO and OfA from her time with All for One (A/N: please dont kill me im trying to not make her too op 😭😭)

⁃ Is kind of like to Deku like Recovery Girl is to All Might

⁃ So fast foward to the internships

⁃ She interns with another oc of mine, Snow

⁃ Who is a healer but with incredible attack powers

⁃ Coincidentally, Noka was patrolling Hosu when the nomus hit

⁃ She recieved Deku's distress signal and ran to the scene

⁃ She didnt attack the hero killer, but ran to help Native and made sure he didnt bleed out

⁃ The hero killer didnt bat a single eye at her, deeming her not a threat

⁃ In the end, she didnt harm Stain so her hero guardian? didnt have to take any blame for her actions

⁃ Noka however did get nearly ripped in half by a nomu, so she had to stay in the hospital with Todo and Deku

⁃ So— Summer training arc

⁃ She just looked at her class and said "fuck this" and flew over the whole forest

⁃ She actually beat the wild wild pussycats back to the camp

⁃ She got to know Kota, telling him how she never wanted to become a hero

⁃ Kota may or may not have developed a kiddie crush on her 😳

⁃ But anyways, when everyone else saw her all nice and refreshed, needless to say they were upset

⁃ Some more than others

⁃ *remembers Bakugou nearly blowing off Noka's face because she cheated*

⁃ Aizawa just smirking at his niece cause shes so much like her mother

⁃ "DAMMIT TAKAHASHI. YOU BETTER GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE YOU CHEATER"

⁃ "They said to use our quirks. Its not my fault your quirk is too grounded"

⁃ "WHAT— YOU WANNA FIGHT—"

⁃ "No I wanna eat, goodbye—"

⁃ Focuses on her attack and the healing capabilities of her quirk

⁃ Let me set the scene

⁃ At the beginning of UA, our Noka could barely heal up a small cut

⁃ But now, she can close up major wound with little to no effort

⁃ P r o g r e s s people

⁃ N e ways

⁃ So when they do the haunted quirk thingy

⁃ Hairi and Noka are paired up, to their delight

⁃ But they aren't able to go into the forest before the attack happens

⁃ Apparently, the league came for Bakugou and Noka

⁃ Cause the "master" wanted his first nomu to return to him

⁃ But all Deku knew was "they are after Kacchan and the master's first Nomu"

⁃ Nobody knew who the first nomu was except for Noka

⁃ See, AfO took and gave Noka various quirks, eventually ending up with her current quirk(s)

⁃ He did this to Shirou and Daiki as well

⁃ But Shirou's body wasnt able to handle as many quirks, so AfO discarded him

⁃ Daiki was not aware that Noka was a target, Shigiraki knew he would object and purposely left him out of the loop

⁃ Eventually, Noka is cornered by Dabi

⁃ His fire power vastly out matches hers

⁃ But she puts up one hell of a fight

⁃ And Kurogiri took her before she woke up and fought back even more

⁃ So everyone was panicking when they couldnt find Noka

⁃ Aizawa was panicking them most

⁃ His precious niece was missing, no, taken by the league

⁃ The students had never seen their teacher so frazzled

⁃ The thing that broke Aizawa more was the look on Shirou's face when he told him that his baby sister was missing

⁃ His precious baby sister

⁃ His whole world

⁃ Shirou didnt go out of his room for days

⁃ He was there when they were to save Bakugou and Noka

⁃ All Might fought AfO, and won

⁃ But there was no sign of Noka

⁃ Shirou nearly tackled Bakugou, demanding, no, more like pleading for him to tell him where she was

⁃ Bakugou merely said "She's gone, and I dont know where she went"

⁃ The whole class was in a panic

⁃ Where was Noka? Was she hurt? Was she scared? Was she in danger?

⁃ And the question that hung on everyone's mind the most was

⁃ Is she alive?

⁃ The emptiness of Noka's desk was deafening

⁃ Their smart ass classmate was nowhere to be found

⁃ And they all felt guilty

⁃ But none more than Bakugou

⁃ For he was the last to see her alive so to speak

⁃ And her last words to him were "Forget about me ya big oaf, you hear me? I don't want you sulking, or I'll personally beat your ass."

⁃ Forget about her? How could he do that?

⁃ Noka was the only person who didn't put up with his bullshit

⁃ From day one she put him in his place

⁃ And honestly shes the closest thing to a sister he has

⁃ During the hero license exam, all of class 1-A decided that Noka would be really upset if they all sulked and failed their exams

⁃ But the fact that only Todoroki and Bakugou failed would make her fall into hysterics

⁃ When class 1-A met the big three, Mirio told them that Noka was strong and stubborn to a fault, so they shouldnt worry about things that arent in their control

⁃ To which they asked how he knew her

⁃ Apparently Shirou, Amajiki, and Mirio have all been friends since elementary school

⁃ So Amajiki and Mirio had been there a lot for many crucial parts of Noka's childhood

⁃ When the work studies started, Deku went on patrol with Mirio and Shirou, AKA Lemillion and Shifter

⁃ Shirou couldnt help but feel so much guilt crushing him when Eri jumped out of Deku's arms

⁃ Cause Eri reminded him of his little sister

⁃ Speaking of little sister

⁃ She refused to return to the league, so Shigiraki sold her to giran, who then took her to Overhaul

⁃ For the last 2 months, Noka had been experimented on by Kai Chisaki

⁃ In the mean time trying to protect Eri and building a loving friendship with the young girl

⁃ Ill talk about this another time

⁃ So skipping to when they save her

⁃ It was a total shock for them

⁃ To see this wingless, pale, frail, bandage wrapped girl

⁃ And even more so when she spoke

⁃ Not having that bite that their Noka had

⁃ But a softer, more broken voice replaced her normally boisterous and confident voice

⁃ In the big battle agains Chisaki, Noka got slammed against a wall

⁃ Which in normal circumstances would be fine, but with her body in such a week state it immediately cracked her ribs and spine

⁃ Ochako helped get her friend to the ambulance as quick as she could

⁃ Shirou saw a fluff of pale pink hair out of the corner of his eye

⁃ He immediately turned to run towards the medical stretcher, but was stopped

⁃ He kicked and screamed something along the lines of "THATS MY BABY SISTER. PLEASE LET ME SEE HER"

⁃ In the most broken voice you would ever hear

⁃ In the hospital, after Sir. Nighteye had passed, Deku, Kirishima, Amajiki, Shirou, Ochako, Tsu and Aizawa were all waiting anxiously for Noka's surgery

⁃ When all of a sudden the door explodes open and the nurses and doctors are shoved out by an invisible force of heat

⁃ Noka was using her ability to set herself aflame and be healed in the ashes

⁃ But no one knew wtf was going on cause she learned the trick at the Hassaiki hideout

⁃ So p a n i k

⁃ But after the doctors confirmed her stablility, they all went back to school

⁃ The whole class bursted into tears when they told them about Noka

⁃ Jirou, Kaminari, Momo and Mina all being the most emotionally impacted

⁃ Bakugou was almost crying witb relief but he disnt show jt

⁃ They weren't allowed to see Noka for a whole month

⁃ Only family were allowed

⁃ She was hard at work recovering and going through therapy and they didnt want to disturb her

⁃ But when they (Kirishima, Deku, Ochako, and Tsu) did visit, they were shocked

⁃ There was this soft spoken, trembling, woman, and this was after a month of intense therapy

⁃ They hadnt event started physcial therapy yet, they wanted to get her tk the point she could be around others without going into a panic mode

⁃ But what really shocked them was how her wings hadnt grown back.

⁃ They were then told that they would never grow back, since the bone in them were completely ripped out.

⁃ Thus she needs a wheelchair while she recovers

⁃ Daiki sometimes visits her during the night

⁃ He apologizes to her over and over again for not being there when she was taken

⁃ But also to apologize for abandoning her and Shirou

⁃ She just cupped his wet cheek and said

⁃ "Daiki, I know you had a damn good reason to do what you did. Also you're my big brother. I dont care if you work for All for One, youre still my brother. And you'll always have a home with us. Shouta Shirou and I will welcome you back with open arms."

⁃ Needless to say Daiki just bursted into more tears

⁃ Anyways—

⁃ By the time the school festival comes around, Noka still needs a wheelchair, and isnt the strongest mentally, but she has made tremendous progress.

⁃ After the 1-A concert, Eri sat on Noka's lap the whole time. Except during the beauty pageant, in which Deku held Eri, and Mirio held Noka (cause shes a smol baby)

⁃ Noka was in charge of tesching Eri the basics while she recovered, since the young girl felt most comfortable with her

⁃ When the dual training session came around, Noka still couldnt do much moving around without draining her energy quickly. So she stuck with enhancing her quirk while she built up her physical strength.

⁃ Meaning she healed any and all injuries after the matches were concluded

⁃ Monoma made the mistake of saying something about her not making any progress, and Bakugou was t h i s close to murdering him 😌

⁃ Ever since Noka got back from the hospital, Bakugou has been v e r y protective of his honourary sister—

⁃ But Kendou smacked the blonde before Bakugou could do anything

⁃ Shinsou would totally go like "Noka are you okay? Are you sure you should be out here? How are you feeling? Do you feel sick?"

⁃ Cause Shinsou is a mom

Anyways I have a bunch more hcs but i dont wanna completely bore you. But I was thinking of doing this for Daiki Shirou and Noka as children. Or maybe for Phoebe 😳😳😳　

Comment or send an ask if i should

[cicero-the-assassin]

That medical update I promised you guys

So, I know I said I would update everyone, and it’s been quite awhile. But only till just recently have I found anything solid and have felt good enough to talk about it again. In all honesty, I’ve been avoiding the subject because I’m still scared. Things haven’t gone too terribly bad, but they aren’t good.

So, my medical insurance ran out completely mid to late last month. (May 18th-ish I think?) So I can no longer see a doctor. That wouldn’t be a problem if I didn’t have so many health problems as you all know. The diseases and syndromes I am suffering through are all chronic. I have no way to be cured at this point in time. The only thing I can do is cope with my medications. I’m twenty-one years old and I have to take 6 prescription medications ON A GOOD DAY to manage my symptoms that can and will leave me in crippling pain. That’s not counting anything else that may come up.

I’ve tried looking into health plans, the cheapest one I qualify for is $300.09 in U.S. dollars. PER MONTH. I can’t afford such costs, I doubt anyone my age could in this job market without anything short of a miracle or dumb luck. I’ve contacted my local health department (As they are the only option I haven’t worn out) and they tell me that because I live in below the poverty line I would have to pay $5 a visit. Which is totally affordable sure, and they say if I don’t have the money I can pay it later. But even that I cannot afford. $5 every so often is great and all, but with my illness it’s very difficult for me to stay out of the doctors office for a month at a time. I’m stretched thin. And even just the five dollars isn’t enough. I have to pay for 6 different prescriptions every month. Discounted prices sure, but only for 5. The 6th one is the most expensive at about $70.00 for thirty days worth. Without my medication, I’m in excruciating and agonizing pain.

And now as I write to you all, I’m out of my medication that helps with my thyroid disease. I’m out of my birth control which has put my hormones out of whack. And very very soon, within the next week, I will be out of everything. Including my heart medication, my GERD medication, my hypersensitivity medication, my thyroid medication, etc etc. One of them is an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety, though I don’t take it for that purpose, I’ve suffered withdrawl from such medications before. And it’s not pretty. I’m scared of being out of my medications, I’m scared of being in pain. 

Also, I don’t know what the health department will make me pay for medical tests that I normally get done at least once every three months. Blood, urine, CT scans, X-rays, EKG’s. All that magical stuff. I dunnow how to afford all of this. And the only family I can reach out to for help here are the same people who asked me if it was really necessary for me to go to the doctor when I was literally bleeding out of my ass.

Which yeah, I do that alot. I have alot of IBS/stomach issues which is what my medications are for. I bleed rectally every few months. I’ve had so many tests run on me and they still don’t know why it keeps happening. And now I don’t even have the financial option to explore it further. I personally believe that I have an anal fissure, cause by my chronic constipation I’ve had since I was little. I usually get it to calm down, but it is possible that the fissure could open and give me sepsis. Hooray sepsis! So yeah. That’s where I am right now.

My health is okay, but it won’t be once I’m out of my medications that I can’t pay for. Every month paying everything out of pocket is like ~$160.00 ish. EVERY MONTH. So yeah, I’m almost out of the medications that make me a functional human being and I’m just kinda all around scared.

Many have suggested I make a GoFundMe to help raise money for my medical expenses. At least for a month or two till I can hear back from the government. (I applied for something that’ll help me pay for my meds.) I hate asking for help, but I don’t have much of a choice. I may make one and post it on here. If anyone can help in any way, please contact me. If you have a proposition, I’m more than ears. I can’t draw or write very well, so I don’t have much to ‘sell’ besides my own belongings. Which I guess I could do. But I’ve sold quite a bit already paying for other needs in the past.

So, just an update on how I’m doing I guess. It’s not going super great, but I’m still alive for another few days. Thanks for lending an ear/eye. I appreciate your guys’ time and support.

[ahoycharlie]

1:27am

because if i don’t get this all out of my head, something bad will happen. 

The next couple of weeks until god knows when are going to tear me apart. I know they will. I’m depressed beyond anything I’ve ever been before, and everything in me is screaming to pull the blankets over my head and just fade out. It is taking everything in me to not give into past habits. 

I am literally going to have to save my family from going bankrupt, or my mother from dying due to stress and heartbreak. I can’t fucking watch this happen anymore, and I’m the only one who gives a fuck about her. My sister is an abusive fuck, and every night for the past couple of months my mother has been so depressed, abused, and stressed out that there hasn’t been a day that she doesn’t breakdown. I can’t see this look on her face anymore because of you two parasites. If something happens to her I don’t know what the fuck I would do. I keep seeing people her age passing away, and she sees it too. This can’t be all there is to her life. It fucking can’t. 

Now, I have to force myself to push back my mental illnesses and my fibro and find jobs that will help pull us out of the hole you have caused. We continuously have to pay your fucking rent, your car payments, your utilities and gas, and everything fucking else you need. You would think the threat of being homeless would knock some sense into you (especially since you use that to manipulate her every single day), or the threat of you abusing mom is going to be why something will happen to her. You bash her for her breakdown she had 10 years ago and say your “real” mother died and has been replaced by an empty shell. Who the fuck do you think you are? Do you not understand YOU are the reason she is so beaten down in life? You constantly tell her that she’s basically dead, and you can never rely on us even though we are the fucking ones who have to sell OUR shit to pay your bills. You tell her how she will never be anyone anymore, and how sad it is that you “don’t have a mother” or one that isn’t “fucked up and pathetic.” She has to sell jewelry that has sentimental value, and she has to get a lean on our car or you tear her to shreds. I’m starting to save everything you send her in texts, so if something does happen to her, I’ll make a photo album of them all for you to keep. 

I’m over your abuse. I’m over you making her feel like she is absolutely nothing, or even alive. I always think to myself, “if you saw how many times she cries herself to sleep after you say these things to her....” but then I remember how much of a piece of shit you are. The second your bills are paid you’re back to this “mommy im sorry i lashed out at you. i’m going to make us thousands of dollars with my weed business that hasn’t gone anywhere in years and never will go anywhere, so dont you worry. love u” manipulative fuck. Then the second your bills need to be paid, or you need hundreds of dollars for a new toy for your business, you need medicine, or anything else you are right back to abusing her. You have no fucking idea how distraught you’ve made her. How insecure and fucked up you’ve made her. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. I wish you and him (since he’s just as fucking abusive) would just disappear. Just fucking go. Don’t talk to her. Don’t think you care about her. Just fucking leave.

I have to find jobs to pay off YOUR debts to people including my friends who’ve pulled their savings in order to fucking help because they can’t stand how much you abuse her. I have to find jobs to pay your and our bills. I have to figure out a way to pay for Stewie’s surgery, or I’ll have to fucking put him down. I can’t stop crying when I look at him because I know that’s most likely what it’ll come to. We would have had money in our savings to at least pay for most of it if it wasn’t for you. I don’t want to put him down. He’s been through everything with me. I have to save up for my own surgery and name/gender change, but instead I get to pay off your debts. I would still fucking have insurance. We haven’t been able to buy new clothes in forever because all our money goes to you, and his addiction. None of our clothes fit anymore. Mom wouldn’t have to sell her things. We could pay our bills. Mom could be fucking happy for once if it wasn’t for YOU. One day I hope you understand that, and I hope it tears you apart. She deserved so fucking much. Especially a life better than this. 

This month you have no rent which is thousands. Mom is already trying to put another lean on the car, and trying to figure out what other things she can sell. I haven’t stopped shaking, throwing up, breaking down, biting my nails until they  bleed, or having anxiety attacks over what is going on. I go between severely depressed, dissociated, numb, livid, to just overwhelmingly sick. I don’t even know what or how the fuck I’m going to do this with my anxiety and fibro. I can barely get out of bed most days because i’m so exhausted, or i’m flaring so bad that just putting on clothes causes more pain. I’m going to have to bust my ass full-time or have two jobs in order to even try to make a dent in what you’ve caused. 

Already I feel so fucking useless and pathetic because I don’t even know if I can do this. But I fucking have to. We can’t live like this anymore. It’s got to be me. I’m the only one who gives a fuck. 

All I want to do right now is throw up or take more meds to make me pass out so my head will stop screaming at me. How the fuck am I going to do this. I just want us to be okay. 

[myopendiaryofnothingness]

2/16/2019

Why can’t anything ever go my way?

Just once I’d like to wake up and have an almost perfect day in my shitty ass life. I can’t even get a car on my own because I fucked up too much and my parents can’t help me anymore. I know that sounds horrible for me to complain about something like that, but with everything I’ve been through the past couple of years I deserve to complain about it. Life absolutely sucks and I want to hide away forever. 

Today crushed all my motivation for getting my life on track and getting better. This was suppose to be getting better. Bettering my life and getting out of my black hole without help from doctors or meds. I’m so tired of it all. I’m tired of everyone asking if I’m okay and if I’m going to be okay if this happens this way. Yes I’m mentally ill, but doesn’t mean you have to treat me like a child. I’m an adult, with a job, living with my wonderful boyfriend (who doesn’t understand, but still tries), taking care of my sick dog, and paying off all my medical bills. And on top of that I’m looking at going to back to school, something that scares the living shit out of me and gives great anxiety. Only because of everything that was going on in my life the last time I was trying to go to school. I ended up dropping out twice. 

Also, I had surgery Tuesday morning and I thought I was healing well but Thursday I started bleeding and I haven’t really stopped. My doctor said if I am bleeding heavy and clotting that I need to call, but I’m worried because of how many days I’ve been bleeding. I guess I’ll call Monday after work. And work, I hate that fucking place. I want to quit and do something from home, but nothing pays well. I really just want to be on my own schedule, but thats never going to happen. 

Why does life suck? Like no one told me it was going to be easy, but no one told me it was going to be this hard either. And as a kid no one explains to you mental illnesses unless it’s strong in your blood or the doctor says you have one. My mom always said she thought I might be depressed, but never took me to the doctors. It wasn’t until I called her crying one day saying I couldn’t handle life one day that she finally said okay and took me to have me checked out. That was 5 years ago and she started saying that something was wrong 14 years ago. I can’t count the number of times I have thought about ended my life, how many times I have thought about running my car into someone else or into a phone pole, and it could have been different maybe if I would have been taking to the doctors sooner, maybe, but probably not. Talking to someone helped understand what was going on inside my head more, but didn’t help with me wanting out of this life. I don’t think anything will to be honest. And that scares me for when I finally do have children. Like how am I going to feel? Are they going to be messed up like me? Think like me? Feel like me? go through the same crap I have been through? It really scares me. 

Sorry if this is all a hot mess to read. I’m just typing as I think to get it out somewhere. 

7:00 pm

[littlewalken]

June 18

Well, I thought there was going to be sorting between the circus stuff, I have a couple of circus book boards, and “steampunk” for a different book. There really wasn’t much that would be specifically “circus” so for now it’s all back in one pile. Still needs more sorting to make it easier to find price tags, maps etc. 

Not to say I’m tired of resting but I’m getting a bit tired of resting.You don’t realize how much bending, squatting, and just getting up and down from a seated position you do or should do until you have to take a moment and think how is my circulation feeling before you do it. 

I like fidgeting and getting up and down to ADHSquirrel because it helps keep me fit. I thought the dizziness was a bit of brain injury and family history of stuff with vertigo and some ear gunk allergy stuff. It was normal to think that pushing through the mild balance things because I was training my inner ear to balance. Not crazy ass running around stuff, just normal walking and standing. 

With my hit and miss mobility I’ve had personal goals of still walking at a certain age, nothing more than a cane at another, mobility scooter when the Olympics return to America... I’m looking for a walker with a seat at the junk stores so I’ll always have a seat now. 

That funny feeling walking around the store wasn’t because it was a hot day and lunch hadn’t got to your blood sugar yet, it was because my body was trying to figure out how to disperse what little hemoglobin I had left while looking for a jewelry tree and snatching up a couple of on sale sketchbooks. 

Just walking around a box store could have put me in the hospital.

But I still wasn’t wrong in thinking a good part of my symptoms were brain and back injury related. No matter how much potassium I take I still get leg cramps and the stuff around my C5 and C6 are still swollen and uncomfortable.

There’s still doll thoughts too. I have Barbie furniture to sort out in storage but that is waiting on the dollhouses getting together so I can see what I need but that is waiting on the new to me shelves getting in my room which is waiting on my getting better. And it involves taking Ignoritall because when my health issues are in someone else’s way...

I want to pick out a better body for Guy Man than the Ertl, it’s too fragile. I want to figure out how to dye or change the color on the old Gene doll I have. She’s already discolored from age and bald. I want to do an art doll thing of her. I have a Trent and Madra too and at last look they were holding up. My Orientdoll fits Trent sized clothes which is nice. 

They were part of a pre website idea to collect pairs of dolls, which also kicked in around the same time I started taking meds, and that mindset is another one I don’t want to get back in to because I was having freak outs about not having certain dolls or stuff etc. 

Rement/plastic crack doesn’t count but I don’t want to go back there. 

And there’s no knowing what of all that was just the anemia. I do know I needed to take meds for awhile to treat some health issues at the time so I do want to encourage readers to talk with their doctors about all treatment options. 

I can’t say it was a general women ignoring their health symptoms thing because I told the doctors I was seeing what was going on with my body. None of the dots were ever connected. I also happened to live in a household where health complaints were a sort of competition and my sister, who got a lot of attention as a child for being in the hospital and going to the doctor, is still so determined to win that she has to one up me. She has to have fibromyalgia, which I can believe some people really suffer from, compromised immune system, a mental illness she’s spoon fed excuses for, and any other special snowflake complaint she can think of. 

So I learned years ago not to bring up any health complaints unless it looked like something was broken or the bleeding wasn’t going to stop. I’m on fire but my sister has a hang nail so she comes first. 

Now I can only hope I can control the anemia and have a quality of life. 

Oh, but if it means home healthcare to do chores around the house and get us a handicap parking placard then we’ll listen. 

So yeah, I am so able to move out.

So tired and bored from resting. All the scrapbook stuff has been sorted in to separate bins at least. I have folios of 11x17 copy paper and plenty of book boards to make a book to paste stuff in for the sake of pasting it in to something and using it. A pack of tabloid paper and a long arm stapler (which will be your biggest expense) and you can make copy paper books to your heart’s content. 

If I had a book making friend to visit they’d go home with presents. I got to use or get rid of a bin or two of that stuff because it’s just time.

Didn’t get to arting yesterday and only a bit of transcribing writing notes but there’s hopes for today. Gotta play a nice long Cure concert and just do it.

Or watch the next calico catermellon.