#'hera i ---' but also that she calls him doug when she's 'talking' to him

[commsroom]

something really gets to me about eiffel and hera talking to themselves while addressing each other - in am i alone now? and the watchtower in particular. i can't say this to you, but you're still the person i want to tell it to. i know there's no way you can hear me, but if you can...

eiffel talks to himself a lot, and he is very used to being alone with no one paying much attention to the things he says, so i'm not sure he ever realized exactly how much until he was on the hephaestus. in the early days of the mission, i imagine hera responded to a lot of eiffel's asides and sort of embarrassed them both. and then that sort of... shifted. their relationship shifted, they got comfortable being around each other, and eiffel's conversations with himself started including hera, too. i like the idea of that as an establishing moment: that, at some point, there was a first time eiffel said something in an empty room, and hera was so used to him talking to himself that she didn't realize it was meant for her, and he asked her, "hera? are you there?"

i imagine hera still talked to eiffel, too, when they all thought he was dead. with each day increasingly longer and more difficult, that she would vent her frustrations to the empty comms room the same way he would've encouraged her to when he was there. she can't talk to anyone the way she can talk to him, and they just... keep talking to each other, even when they can't. they are so much a part of each other, the voice of encouragement and comfort in each other's heads. for so long, all they can really do for each other is talk, and they maintain that connection even in absence. they ask each other "are you there?" like reaching for each other's hands in the dark.

[emp-t-man]

episode 2 time yippeeee :3

i dunno if it was on purpose or if it was just an error on makayla’s part but hera pronouncing minkowski incorrectly is so silly to me. it’s the only time she does that in the whole podcast and it could be seen as her emulating eiffel because they’ve started to get along and then minkowski tearing into her for it so it doesn’t happen again or it could just be a mistake but. it’s silly.

eiffel is so incredibly monotone in these early episodes compared to the amount of personality his voice is known to have, ESPECIALLY during his announcement to the rest of the station. obviously a lot of it is just zach growing into the character and the voice but i also like to think that losing that monotonality is symbolic of him growing out of his more,,, nihilistic? i wanna say? approach to the whole situation as time goes on

i’d let minkowski throw me in the brig. the way she talks in this episode? i’m. god i love angry women

tiny detail but i love his delivery on “can you explain to these LOSERS—” he’s so unserious i love him

i NEED to know what was going through gabriel’s head when he made minkowski call him doug. i’ll probably have a definitive answer on this further into the relisten but i can’t tell if it’s her just being casual and trying to appeal to him as,, almost a friend? or if it’s a bitter thing, like how she refused to call lovelace “sir” until she had earned it. i’ll definitely have more to say on that later, but for now. hm

i would also like to know how many eiffel protocols there were, and for what scenarios minkowski could have possibly come up with him doing in order to make them—

I. HATE. THE LITTLE RADIO STATIC SOUND EFFECT THEY USE AS A TRANSITION IN THESE EARLY EPISODES. ITS LOUD, ITS UNNECESSARY, AND IT SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF ME I THANK GOD EVERY DAY THEY DID AWAY WITH IT

something something “could there be pain” something something masochism something something homosexual

SPEAKING OF PAIN. HILBERT SAYS SOMETHING ABOUT VAPORIZED BROMINE??? DO YALL KNOW HOW FUCKING PAINFUL IT IS WHEN BROMINE MAKES CONTACT WITH SKIN??? A LITTLE BIT OF PAIN MY ASS THAT SHIT CAN CAUSE PERMANENT SKIN LOSS

also?? i never realized that the fucking. klaxon thing that blares??? was specifically to prevent him from sleeping. that wasn’t a warning because the room was so cold, it was a method of sleep deprivation, that’s fucked up my god fhdbdb

another one of my favorite deliveries is “i THOUGHT i smelled MOLASSES. but then i DIDN’T get knocked out, so i dunno what THAT was about 😀”

i will never, EVER get over “when in doubt, whip it out” that’s the funniest thing gabriel has ever done /j

also there’s something about the way that eiffel pronounces minkowski’s name wrong when talking to or about her, but still has enough respect to call her “commander” half the time. it’s kind of a proof that he isn’t doing it maliciously, it’s simply a bit of banter that he thought was a joke between the two. but that also makes it more heartbreaking because he genuinely just. doesn’t realize the harm he’s doing. and refuses to listen every time she tries to bring it up.

the way that eiffel is so concerned over brushing his teeth this whole time when this motherfucker won’t even shower. like. your priorities are all over the place babygirl

BUT, speaking of that. i definitely don’t think it’s just about brushing his teeth. i’ve seen a lot of things about like. how ridiculous it is that he would go through all of that just for toothpaste? but listen. nothing in eiffel’s life up until this point had been something he’d had a choice in, at least not since the accident. even going on this MISSION wasn’t really a choice, when you consider the alternative was twenty-something years in prison as opposed to only a couple in space. being in charge of this situation, as dumb as it may sound, was the only thing left for him to BE in charge of. he finally had a SAY in something, and he was willing to go without sleep for over twenty four hours, live in minus forty degrees, starve for hours on end, and be entirely isolated just to make sure he could keep it that way, if just for a few more hours. and that’s devastating to me

this one is long as HELL but every time i listen to this thing i find more stuff i can connect in terms of later plot points and it’s so maddening that gabriel admitted to having no idea where he wanted to go at this point because he ended up tying it together SO WELL.

[nobodysdaydreams]

Okay, now they REALLY gotta drop the Jacobi duck-related lore 🦆 (and I need to stop holding out hope Blessie will return 😔💔)

(Or my reaction to Wolf359’s Mission Mishap Episodes).

Welcome back dear readers! My schedule has been busy lately, but the Mission Mishap episodes were mercifully short, so I’ve been listening to a few episodes per week and have gathered my reactions here for you all to enjoy.

Tagging the mutuals who got me invested in this, and if you want to be tagged or untagged from these posts, lmk, or you can follow my blog or simply follow the tag "#bods wolf359 reactions". Anyone who has followed me for a while knows my updates are inconsistent, so I apologize in advance for that and for any spelling/grammar mistakes in my posts.

@sophieswundergarten @oflightningandstars @acollectionofcuriousreblogs @herawell @commsroom

Also tagging @lovelyladylavie because I promised I’d tag you way back on this post and forgot (I’m so sorry!) but my reactions are all under the tag so you should be able to find them!

Mission Mishaps: A Little Night Music

"Not fully reading your contract before you sign it...not understanding your job responsibilities, and wanting commander off your back" I love Doug's sponsorships and the dramatic irony 😂 *Cue The Fine Print playing in the background...*

I guess the only actor they could get was Doug. Nice of him to fill us in on what Minkowski and Hera are saying though.

OH MY GOSH.

HIS VOICE.

DR. DR. PROFESSOR DR. PROFESSOR F. EIFFEL 😂

It's so fancy. Mannnyyyy PhDs. Very impressive, Doug.

I'm so happy we got more radio show Doug. I need to hear him do a radio show where all his personalities talk to each other. Being the special guest on the show is Cutter's punishment for all eternity. The Dear Listeners make 5 copies of Doug so he can be all the characters.

"The feeling you'll die miserably..." yikes, broke character for a second there Doug.

"Ah yes...the way the piano notes dance around the...other piano notes...absolutely fantastic piece for when you want to start your day with the paino-y energy" Well said Doug.

Oh boy. Cowboy music. Is this the return of Badass McAwesome? Do I dare to hope?

Ah, well, better luck next time.

His poor toe. I hate when that happens too, Doug.

The...mind eraser?

Don't like how that sounds. Especially after the threats in "Change of Mind".

Better not be foreshadowing.

"This song is a mutant, it's superpower is being catchy. It never leaves."

Okay, THAT better not be foreshadowing.

"Afraid of the plant monster?" I wish we could be, Doug. I wish we could be. 😔🪴

"Worried you'll never get back to Earth to see you're family?" Oh, Doug. 💔

"Bosses you're pretty sure are kind of evil" Kind of is generous Doug.

Yeah...yeah Doug that got very dark there for a bit.

Moral boosting? Oh dear. MUTE 😂 AFTER TWO MINUTES 😂

I love Doug. Poor fellow. I enjoyed the broadcast Doug. They don't appreciate your talents.

Mission Mishaps: The Space You’re In

I love the title’s double meaning.

More of Doug dodging his work I see. A common theme.

“Please stop going off on tangents” I guess Cutter and Pryce didn’t send them up with any ADHD meds. “I’m here for work 😊” Nice cover, Doug. 👍🏻 nailed it.

“I’m gonna get that thing that I forgot”. You do that Doug.

How did I know Doug was gonna break something? 🤣

Specimen incubation period??? BLESSIE????

How dare they tease us with Blessie lore?

Good question Doug. Why IS there a harpoon?

Doug literally has no where to hide. 🤣

Oh right. Space. Why do I see that backfiring?

PFFTTT—- Did she just call him a lizard? 🦎

“It’s beautiful” -> “I hate space” poor Doug. I’m sensing a pattern 🤣

Mission Mishaps: You Want, I Solve Ah Doug stealing coffee from Minkowski. Once again, I sense a pattern.

Wait. A puppy? 🥰🐕‍🦺🐾

“The mean lady who runs this place” really Doug? You did just steal her coffee.

2 tails? Well, twice the wagging, I see that as a win. 🥰

Follow him Doug!

IS ZACH VALENTI DOING THE VOICE OF THE DOG?

AS SMEGOL AND GOLLUM FROM LORD OF THE RINGS?

AND IS DOUG HALLUCINATING FROM THE COFFEE???

The dogs are multiplying? David Bowie is here? Okay Doug is hallucinating for sure.

Ah hello Hilbert.

Why is he treating the manual like it’s the ring? 🤣

Well. That was weird.

Oh, Hilbert. All to get Doug to bond with the manual.

And yet something tells me he still won’t read it. It does sound like he might be cuddling with it at night and killing anyone who tries to take it from him though. Mildly concerning. Mission Mishaps: The Veldt Oh my gosh. The episode description. Eiffel goes into the greenhouse… y’all. I don’t wanna get my hopes up, but…

IS THIS BLESSIE CONTENT???? 🪴

I’m so excited guys. I don’t wanna get my hopes up, I know I shouldn’t, but I need Blessie back!

So Doug is doing his chores again. I sense a pattern.

He does a great Australian accent. Again, I need the aliens to clone Doug just so he can have a show where his different personalities talk to each other. Hm. Oxygen chamber has a lot of passwords. And a lot of weird ways to enter passwords. Which is nice for protecting the air, but not so great when you, you know, desperately need air and only have a few seconds to enter the password.

The binary forms of color? This is so extreme not to mention boring. Not one sign of Blessie. I’ve been bamboozled. And WHY is there a timer? This is so weird.

THAT’S IT?

Well I’m upset. We went to the greenhouse and didn’t see leaf or stem of Blessie. 💔

I’m not giving up hope. If not in the show then in fanfic that plant is coming back.

Mission Mishaps: Lights Out

Another entry from dear Doug. I wonder if Minkowski and Hilbert are gonna have him do something he doesn’t want to and then hijinks ensues and Doug messes something up?

HP Lovecraft, Call of Kuthulu? Oh me too Doug stuff is hard to pronounce.

Doug does a good creepy narrator voice. It’s funny to think of Hera listening to all this. It reminds me of those people on Lovelace’s crew reading stories together.

“Property of Dr….”

DOCTOR WHO? (A good show, but I’m literally asking the question).

Is it that girl on Lovelace’s crew who liked to read? (I’m sorry it’s hard to keep track of their names).

Ah yes, and the star is acting up. As is Doug’s imagination. I’m sure this couldn’t possibly go wrong.

Hilbert. What sample? What escaped?

I’m not getting my hopes up this time. You teased me with Blessie once. I’m not falling for it again. I’ve been burned before.

It just sounds like a little mouse. 🐁

…I hope it’s not one of the spiders… I’m now beginning to realize Doug’s fears…

“It’s small and scurrying”

Is it a mouse?

Doug, it’s probably just a mouse. “It’s staring at me.” Well it’s probably scared too, Doug.

Doug, you better not have killed that poor little mouse.

You killed the maintenance drone Doug? Well that was a wild ride. At first I thought they weren’t gonna go the “Doug messes up a thing Hilbert and Minkowski are doing” route but they always surprise me with their ability to bring it back there. Not that I’m complaining, I’m loving these stories. Mission Mishaps: Cold Turkey More Doug! Wow. 553 days. That’s… that’s a lot.

Thanksgiving? Is this the same Thanksgiving from Hera’s memory? 🦃

Banned from the kitchen? Oh poor, Doug. Was Hilbert not available? I guess he’s Russian so he doesn’t celebrate it. But he can probably cook.

Doug is just like me fr. Don’t ask my partner what happened when I tried to make him food. All you need to know was that I tried my best, and it’s the thought that counts.

Doug is gonna burn this Turkey. I know the actress was probably busy and these are “extra” episodes, but Hera please come online and help him.

Oh gross. Cans of spam? Disgusting.

Right, maybe Hilbert can do something. But on the other hand, Hilbert and Eiffel can make each other worse. And what was that about psychoactive properties? What was Hilbert exposed to?

“Can I give indifference? I have plenty of that.” Yes, Hilbert, you made that very clear.

“Oh well if I have to “come on”.” “Really!” “No.” Hilbert is lowkey hilarious 🤣 “I like pecan pie…maybe thanksgiving is not so terrible.” 🥧

I love how Hilbert sounds like he’s plotting something ominous even when he’s just talking about pie. 🤣

But seriously, why was he in Texas? He never answered that.

“The best way to keep him away from the kitchen was to put you in charge” oh poor Doug. She was right though.

Aw, this is sweet. I like how it connects to what we saw in Hera’s memories too.

Mission Mishaps: No Complaints Aw man, SI-5? What happened to Doug?

First they take Blessie from me then they force me to spent time with his killers.

Well gang, I guess it’s time for the adventures of Whiskey Man and Duck Boy.

Wow. Sitting in a car and brooding in the rain. An action packed adventure if I’ve ever heard one.

Oh wait, are they stalking Maxwell? They said she was from a small town.

“Did you stalk me?” Yes, he did Jacobi. Kepler was acting so creepy at that bar, I’m sorry. What even was that?

“I really hate you sometimes sir. ✨You’re the worst✨” oh Duck Boy you have no idea.

THE DUCK THING? OH NO PLEASE TELL US ABOUT THE DUCK THING.

What video. WHAT VIDEO.

Please tell us why Jacobi is brooding and PLEASE tell us about the duck video.

Jacobi taught him questions only? Wow he really does love to dig his own grave.

Kepler is not your friend Jacobi. If you think he is, you… gosh you really need to meet somebody. Anybody.

All this complaining… Jacobi really is the evil version of Doug sometimes…

What was on Jacobi’s mind? What did Rachel think was on his mind? Oh, his one year recruitment.

Nothing good ever comes out of a mysterious duffel bag. Why does he have all those fireworks?

When your evil boss takes you on a fake stake out and gives you some fireworks to blow up because he knows you crave destruction: 💣🎆🥰🎇🧨😍

I like that they play fireworks sounds as they roll the credits. It’s a nice touch. Mission Mishaps: Happy Holidays Already down to the last one. Time flies when you’re having fun. Oh more SI-5. Hopefully a little less Whiskey Boy, a little more Duck related lore.

Oh no such luck. :(

Geez, Kepler really does love flexing every single bit of power that he has, doesn’t he? Just get to the point already! Why couldn’t he have been the one to go instead of Maxwell?

“Oh no! Not a binary fault in the quartical… um… that’s bad!” Duck Boy stop being funny I don’t want to like you.

Not Kepler’s slow claps… I swear this man is infatuated with the idea of being a super villain.

What are they afraid of?

…

A holiday party?

the evil space corporation has a HOLIDAY PARTY?

For what holiday? Cutter and Pryce clearly hate holidays. They’ve ordered people killed on nearly every holiday we’ve seen! … actually maybe that’s their way of making the holidays their own… and it makes me wonder who they want to kill at this party. Jacobi and Maxwell have a right to be concerned about this.

“We don’t ask questions. We trust that we were given orders for a reason.” THAT ONLY WORKS IF YOU ARE WORKING FOR TRUSTWORTHY PEOPLE. And committing or endorsing murder takes you off the trustworthy list.

The idea of Cutter and Pryce celebrating Christmas disgusts me. Like, physically I have a hard time stomaching it. Christmas is about joy, and love, and goodwill toward mankind. Cutter and his crazy science gf have no place involving themselves in that. Not unless they show some serious remorse and do some serious penance and jail time.

SECRET SANTA EXCHANGE?

What kind of horrifying messed up gifts do people get each other? I hope Jacobi gets a pet duck.

… Maxwell’s mom died? “We all know you don’t talk to your mom” “…my mom just died?” “No Jacobi.” STOP BEING FUNNY.

Compare this to the holiday stuff that happens with the Hephaestus… this has such a creepy undertone. Especially when you imagine the events happening at the same time.

Well, that’s all for the Mission Mishaps. Sorry it took me so long guys, but I love and appreciate your patience. Excited to finish the rest of the series and hopefully I’ll have more for you soon!

[maandarinee]

what are all the podcasts you listen to?

anon I'm so glad you asked

Since it is a pretty long list including synopses (stolen from the podcast feed or website because I'm Bad at summaries and in some cases it's been a while since I listened) I'm going to put it under a cut.

I've separated the list into "Complete" (either finished or cancelled) and "Ongoing" podcasts. Some have additional comments by me. Current favorites are marked orange. My eternal beloved are Our Fair City and Wolf 359.

Complete

ars PARADOXICA: "When an experiment in a time much like our own goes horribly awry, Dr. Sally Grissom finds herself stranded in the past and entrenched in the activities of a clandestine branch of the US government. Grissom and her team quickly learn that there's no safety net when toying with the fundamental logic of the universe."

Blackwood: "Five years ago, Molly Weaver, Bryan Anderson, and Nathan Howell started a podcast focused on the local legend of a monster called The Blackwood Bugman. Quickly, the investigation grew out of their control, as they discovered that, not only are the legends seemingly true, many people in Blackwood have turned up dead or disappeared without a trace." --> [this feels like the Blair With Project, but as a podcast. Didn't get a second season due to no funding, but it works as a standalone]

Dreamboy: "Dane, a spun-out musician spending the winter in Cleveland, Ohio, has two main goals: keeping his job at the Pepper Heights Zoo and trying not to waste all his time on Grindr. What he doesn’t expect is to get swept into a story about dreams, about forevers, about flickering lights, about unexplained deaths, about relentless change, and about the parts of ourselves that we wish other people knew to look for. Oh, and also a murderous zebra." --> [very NSFW; does cool things with music! Didn't get a second season due to no funding, but it works as a standalone]

King Fall AM: "...centers on a lonely little mountain town's late-night AM talk radio show and its paranormal, peculiar happenings and inhabitants." --> [cancelled after 100 episodes, ends on a huge cliffhanger]

Our Fair City: "A campy, post-apocalyptic audio drama." --> [I know the description sounds like nothing but just trust me, I love it so much]

Steal the Stars: "...is a gripping noir science fiction thriller in 14 episodes: Forbidden love, a crashed UFO, an alien body, and an impossible heist unlike any ever attempted."

Stellar Firma: "...a weekly Science Fiction, Comedy podcast following the misadventures of Stellar Firma Ltd.'s highest born but lowest achieving planetary designer Trexel Geistman and his bewildered clone assistant David 7. Join them each episode as they attempt to take listener submissions and craft them into the galaxy's most luxurious, most expensive and most questionably designed bespoke planets. However, with Trexel's corporate shark of a line manager Hartro Piltz breathing down their necks and I.M.O.G.E.N., the station's omnipresent and omniinvasive stationwide A.I. monitoring those necks to within 3 decimal places, they'll be lucky to make it a week before being slurried and recycled into raw human resources." --> [semi-improvised, I thought I'd have a problem with the improv bit because that's not usually my thing, but no, I absolutely devoured this]

TANIS: "...is a serialized docudrama about a fascinating and surprising mystery: the myth of Tanis. Tanis is an exploration of the nature of truth, conspiracy, and information. Tanis is what happens when the lines of science and fiction start to blur." [+ spinoff The Last Movie] --> [I have no clue what the hell is going on here]

The Black Tapes: "...is a serialized docudrama about one journalist's searc for truth, her enigmatic subject's mysterious past, and the literal and figurative ghosts that haunt them both."

The Magnus Archives: "...is a weekly horror fiction anthology podcast examining what lurks in the archives of the Magnus Institute, an organisation dedicated to researching the esoteric and the weird. Join new head archivist Jonathan Sims as he attempts to bring a seemingly neglected collection of supernatural statements up to date, converting them to audio and supplementing them with follow-up work from his small but dedicated team. Individually, they are unsettling. Together they begin to form a picture that is truly horrifying because as they look into the depths of the archives, something starts to look back…"

Time:Bombs: "...a new audio drama podcast about the hilarious world of bomb disposal. Ride along with EOD technician Simon Teller on the busiest night of the year for him and his team - when business is, quite literally, booming."

Wolf 359: "Life's not easy for Doug Eiffel, the communications officer for the U.S.S. Hephaestus Research Station, currently on Day 448 of its orbit around red dwarf star Wolf 359. He's stuck on a scientific survey mission of indeterminate length, 7.8 light years from Earth. His only company on board the station are stern mission chief Minkowski, insane science officer Hilbert, and Hephaestus Station's sentient, often malfunctioning operating system Hera. He doesn't have much to do for his job other than monitoring static and intercepting the occasional decades-old radio broadcast from Earth, so he spends most of his time creating extensive audio logs about the ordinary, day-to-day happenings within the station. But the Hephaestus is an odd place, and life in extremely isolated, zero gravity conditions has a way of doing funny things to people's minds. Even the simplest of tasks can turn into a gargantuan struggle, and the most ordinary-seeming things have a way of turning into anything but that." --> [starts funny, turns very intense]

Ongoing

Alba Salix, Roya Physician (+ The Axe & Crown): "A witch, her apprentice, and her fairy herbalist treat the ills of a fairy-tale kingdom." + "Gubbin the troll tavernkeeper deals with his clueless new landlord, his shady niece, and some new competition."

Archive 81: "A found footage horror podcast about ritual, stories, and sound."

Arden: "A (fictional) true crime podcast about cold cases and the reporter and detective who try to solve them."

Brimstone Valley Mall: "The year is 1999. Lurking somewhere between Hot Topic and the food court, five misfit demons from Hell kill time inciting sin in a suburban shopping mall. When the lead singer of their band goes mysteriously missing, the demons only have two weeks to find him before they play the biggest gig of the millennium - or face the wrath of Satan herself."

CARAVAN: "First rule of Wound Canyon: No one who gets in, ever gets out. So when a brilliant, ghostly specter flies through the sky amid the rain and lightning, Samir stumbles off a steep cliff and into a hidden world, one in which demons, vampires, and all other manner of paranormal creatures take sanctuary." --> [also pretty NSFW and horny in general]

Death by Dying: "The Obituary Writer of Crestfall, Idaho finds himself deeply in over his head as he investigates a series of strange and mysterious deaths… when he is supposed to simply be writing obituaries. Along the way he encounters murderous farmers, man-eating cats, haunted bicycles, and a healthy dose of ominous shadows." --> [I had to stop listening to this in public because it kept making me undignified laugh and snort noises]

Desperado: "Blood magic, Voodoo magic, old gods, new gods: We've got it all! Follow the story of misfits from all over the world, as they try to survive and protect their heritage from modern-day crusaders."

EOS 10: "Doctors in space, a deposed alien prince, a super gay space pirate and a fiery nurse who'll help you win your bar fight."

Girl In Space: "Abandoned on a dying ship in the farthest reaches of known space, a young scientist fights for survival (and patience with the on-board A.I.). Who is she? No one knows. But a lot of dangerous entities really want to find out. Listen as the story unfolds for science, guns, trust, anti-matter, truth, beauty, inner turmoil, and delicious cheeses. It’s all here. In space."

Janus Descending: "...follows the arrival of two xenoarcheologists on a small world orbiting a binary star. But what starts off as an expedition to survey the planet and the remains of a lost alien civilization, turns into a monstrous game of cat and mouse, as the two scientists are left to face the creatures that killed the planet in the first place. Told from two alternating perspectives, Janus Descending is an experience of crossing timelines, as one character describes the nightmare from end to beginning, and the other, from beginning to the end." --> [absolutely harrowing horror]

Love and Luck: "...is a fictional radio play podcast, told via voicemails and set in present day Melbourne, Australia. A slice of life queer romance story with a touch of magic, it follows the relationship between two men, Jason and Kane, as their love grows both for each other and their community." --> [soft and gay, feels like a warm hug]

Potterless: "Join Mike Schubert, a grown man reading the Harry Potter series for the first time, as he sits down with HP fanatics to poke fun at plot holes, make painfully incorrect predictions, and bask in the sassiness of the characters." --> [the only non-fiction podcast on the list]

Primordial Deep: "When a long extinct sea creature washes up on the shores of Coney Island, marine biologist Dr. Marella Morgan is contacted by a secret organization to investigate the origins of the creature’s sudden and unnatural resurgence. Soon, she and a team of experts find themselves living on the research station The Tiamat, traveling along the abyssal plains as they search for answers far below the waves. But there are dangers in these ancient waters. Reawakened, prehistoric monsters are rising from the deep -- jaws wide and waiting, and in the darkness, something is stirring."

Red Valley: "No one at Overhead Industries wants to talk about defunct research station Red Valley, and account man Warren Godby is out of his depth. When he meets Gordon Porlock, a disgruntled archivist with a bag of tapes from the station’s last known occupant, they will begin a journey to the limits of experimental science, confront horror and trauma from the past, present and future, and try to remember the cheat codes from Sonic the Hedgehog 2."

Rusty Quill Gaming: "An actual play podcast following a mixed ability group of comedians, improvisers, gamers, and writers as they play through the extended, tabletop roleplaying campaign Erasing the Line, an original game world of the GM’s crafting." --> [took me a while to get into because I have trouble focusing on non-scripted things, but eventually I got really hooked on the plot and attached to the characters. This podcast is really fucked up at times if you think about it]

SAYER: "A narrative fiction podcast set on Earth’s man-made second moon, Typhon. The eponymous SAYER is a highly advanced, self-aware AI created to help acclimate new residents to their new lives, and their new employment with Ærolith Dynamics." --> [feels like Welcome to Night Vale but narrated by GLaDOS from Portal]

StarTripper!!: "Join Feston Pyxis on a road-trip through the cosmos, as he leaves behind his old life in search of the best and wildest experiences the galaxy has to offer!"

The Amelia Project: "...is a secret agency that fakes its clients' deaths, then lets them reappear with a brand new identity! A black comedy full of secrets, twists... and cocoa."

The Big Loop: "...a biweekly anthology series. Each episode is a self-contained narrative exploring the strange, the wonderful, the terrifying, and the heartbreaking. Stories of finite beings in an infinite universe." --> [I don't like anthologies, except this one]

The Bright Sessions: "Dr. Bright provides therapy for the strange and unusual; their sessions have been recorded for research purposes." --> [think X-Men, but with therapy instead of a school]

The Deca Tapes: "Recordings have surfaced of ten people that are locked into the same space together. We don’t know where they are, or if they'll get out. But the answers must be somewhere on these tapes."

The Silt Verses: "Carpenter and Faulkner, two worshippers of an outlawed god, travel up the length of their deity’s great black river, searching for holy revelations. As their pilgrimage lengthens and the river’s mysteries deepen, the two acolytes find themselves under threat from a police manhunt, but also come into conflict with the weirder gods that have flourished in these forgotten rural territories."

The White Vault: "Follow the collected records of a repair team sent to Outpost Fristed in the vast white wastes of Svalbard and unravel what lies waiting in the ice below."

Tides: "...is the story of Dr. Winifred Eurus, a xenobiologist trapped on an unfamiliar planet with hostile tidal forces. She must use her wits, sarcasm and intellectual curiosity to survive long enough to be rescued. But there might be more to life on this planet than she expected." --> [think The Martian, but on a water planet]

Unwell, a Midwestern Gothic Mystery: "Lillian Harper moves to the small town of Mt. Absalom, Ohio, to care for her estranged mother Dorothy after an injury. Living in the town's boarding house which has been run by her family for generations, she discovers conspiracies, ghosts, and a new family in the house's strange assortment of residents."

VAST Horizon: "Nolira is an agronomist tasked with establishing agriculture in a new solar system, but when she wakes up on a now- empty colony ship, the whole of her plan disappears. The ship has been set adrift, with numerous mission-critical problems requiring immediate attendance outside of her area of expertise. Nolira is aided by the ship’s malfunctioning AI, which acts as her confidant and companion during the fight for survival."

Victoriocity: "Even Greater London, 1887. In this vast metropolis, Inspector Archibald Fleet and journalist Clara Entwhistle investigate a murder, only to find themselves at the centre of a conspiracy of impossible proportions."

We Fix Space Junk: "...follows seasoned smuggler Kilner and reluctant fugitive Samantha as they travel the galaxy, dodging bullets and meeting strange and wonderful beings as they carry out odd jobs on the fringes of the law."

Welcome to Night Vale: "Twice-monthly community updates for the small desert town of Night Vale, where every conspiracy theory is true. Turn on your radio and hide."

Within the Wires: "Stories told through found audio from an alternate universe."

Wooden Overcoats: "Rudyard Funn and his equally miserable sister Antigone run their family's failing funeral parlour, where they get the body in the coffin in the ground on time. But one day they find everyone enjoying themselves at the funerals of a new competitor - the impossibly perfect Eric Chapman! With their dogsbody Georgie, and a mouse called Madeleine, the Funns are taking drastic steps to stay in the business…" --> [one of THE funniest podcasts I have ever listened to]

[nellied-reviews]

Succulent Rat-Killing Tar Re-listen

Hey! So, I’m new here, but I’ve recently been re-listening to the podcast Wolf 359, and I'm obsessed again, so I kinda wanted, in true Self-Indulgent fashion, to record my thoughts about it, see what stands out now I know how the series plays out. I don’t know if anyone will actually want to read this, but I enjoyed writing it, at least!

If any of you don’t know Wolf 359, but are still, for whatever reason, reading this, a) you should go listen! It’s a sci-fi podcast with some awesome characters, and a really great balance of creepiness, wackiness and actual plot. But also, b) I will be posting spoilers here, sorry. It’s been a while, so I think they’re pretty much fair game now? But just so you’re not caught out: here be spoilers.

With that cleared up, then:

Succulent Rat-Killing Tar

In which we meet the disaster that is Douglas Eiffel, Hilbert blows things up, and the Hephaestus receive a strange transmission from deep space.

In some ways, re-listening to this episode was an odd experience, because the characters don’t quite feel solid yet. It’s the same in a few early episodes - tonally, they’re just really different to a lot of what comes later - and I don't think that’s bad, per se, especially since there are things, on a re-listen, that connect this to later episodes. But this episode is particularly weird, I think, even for the early episodes. 

Gabriel Urbina actually talked about this in the writing notes he posted to his Tumblr, how he conceived of Wolf 359 as a one-man show, and  what we get here is basically the Doug Eiffel! Show, with what are essentially cameo appearances from the others. As a consequence of this, Minkowski, Hera and Hilbert don’t get much characterisation, and even things like their voices seem ... odd? Hera, especially, feels more like Space Siri than the snarky AI we know and love, while Minkowski... eh, I don’t know why I don't like her here, but I remember not liking her when I first listened to it either. I think she sounds kind of flat, like she's not quite a real person?

 It’s probably good, then, that Eiffel comes onto the scene fully formed and really freakin' funny. Zach Valenti is a funny man, and he kills it here, from the very first lines. I particularly love how much information he gets into his opening monologue. He takes what looks, superficially, like a lazily-written infodump - because seriously, who would start their log like that on day 448? Does Eiffel open every single log like this?! - and just runs with it. It's such a ludicrous thing to do, and the whole reason I buy that yes, Eiffel totally does just sit there every single night talking to himself, is Zach Valenti’s performance. It's so good, guys, seriously!

On a side-note, I am also endlessly amused at the way in which Eiffel’s utterly bonkers decision to narrate his boring chores like an exposition-heavy radio show gives the Dear Listeners ammo later on. Like, if Eiffel were not such a fundamentally ridiculous character, they would not have his voice to contact the crew. So much of the plot just hinges on Eiffel being a dumbass, and I can respect that.

Besides the fact that he’s this weird, lovable dumbass, we do also get some nice character moments for Eiffel. For one, it’s buried under a lot of funny stuff, but we get our first hints at him having an addictive personality - his love of cigarettes certainly hits differently when you know about his past with alcohol.

There are also, sticking to things I picked up the first time round, hints that Eiffel is perhaps more competent than he lets on? Certainly, he kicks into a different gear when the transmissions come through - the goofing around stops straight away, and he genuinely seems keen to make contact. I like that, I think.

That said, he blows his moment of competence by ignoring the signal and getting coffee. For such a pop culture-savvy guy, he sure falls hard into the "I’m sure it was nothing" trap here. Ugh, Eiffel. Come on. You’re better than this.

I’m not complaining, though, because it does give us time to listen to Alan Rodi's beautiful music. Words cannot convey how much I love it. I don’t know if it's just nostalgia from last time I listened to Wolf 359, but hearing the music again here nearly made me cry, genuinely. I especially love the acoustic piano. I think it'd be easy to go with a technological, electronic sound for a podcast set in space, so the choice to use a more traditional, old-fashioned instrument like a piano is a pleasant surprise, grounding the show in something older and more Earth-bound, and providing the same kind of connection to Earth history and culture that the old music does at the end. You've got electronic bleeping going on, sure, which adds a layer of space-y weirdness to it all. But it's still, underneath the noises, something lovely and comforting and nice. So congrats, Alan Rodi. You made a 30 second coffee break into something really beautiful.

Then we're back and Minkowski has Eiffel reading Pryce and Carter - another mainstay of the show being introduced right there - and then Hilbert's lab is on fire. This whole section is solidly funny, and I especially love the tone of the Pryce and Carter entries. From the muzak in the background, to the disturbing, sort-of-aphoristic style of the entries, which kind of feel like something from Welcome to Night Vale, to the fact that this book seems to have no structure and is just one giant, non-user-friendly list, everything about this is hilarious to me. I also noticed the reference to the idea that somebody might be in space for disciplinary reasons. Which totally won’t be relevant later. Nope. Definitely not.

Hilbert, although his voice is much less growly than I’m used to, feels closer to his later self, character-wise, than the others. He’s maybe a bit too dotty, but then again, literally everything he does during this season is a front anyway, so I'm willing to give that one a pass. Stuff blowing up is always fun, either way, and it also introduces another idea that will stick around: the idea that everything on the Hephaestus is either broken or is about to break. Mentions of a power outage last week, in particular, suggest that this ship is already... less than shipshape.

And the we get the episode's climax, the arrival of the alien message which turns out to be... an old transmission of The Entertainer, by Scott Joplin?

And look, I think this was what sold me on Wolf 359. Sure, it took a while to find it's feet. But this moment was what convinced me that hey, I'll hang around a bit longer. Because it’s such a smart choice. 

Already, by having an audio drama series whose main character is a communications officer, and whose plot centres round him using radios and making audio logs, you have the ingredients for an intensely self-reflective, metatextually interesting show. It makes us think about radio and broadcasting and how sounds are transmitted through space. 

But by using a real recording of The Entertainer, something from the very earliest age of radio, with its gramophone-y crackle, you’re widening the scope, linking us all the way back to the birth of recorded sound. And Eiffel's joy at it all, his glee at finding a connection back to Earth, is a reminder of the power recorded sound can have. Eiffel, listening to Scott Joplin, is transported somewhere new and intriguing. Meanwhile we, listening to some podcast about stars and toothpaste and spacefaring dumbasses, are also transported away from our lives and our world. It’s a lovely idea.

Of course, I could be reading too much into this. It could just be that the piece is out of copyright, and hits the right balance of strange vs. familiar.

Either way, it makes for an ending that’s beautiful, wholesome and surprisingly sweet. I’m charmed, particularly, by how earnest Eiffel seems when he’s talking about how the music makes him feel. After spending a whole episode goofing around, it’s a refreshing change of pace, and it made me smile the first time I listened to it. This time round, it feels a bit more bittersweet, I think. We know that Eiffel won't be going home for a good, long time, after all.

In any case, it's a solid end to an episode that, while it has its issues, still mostly holds up. A surprising amount of plot-relevant stuff is established. Eiffel, at least, is properly introduced. And I get weirdly emotional about radio shows. Nice job, Wolf 359.

 Miscellaneous thoughts:

Eiffel not understanding Hilbert when Zach Valenti voices them both is peak comedy and you can fight me on this

 Eiffel joking about everyone on the ship have “series trust issues”. You ain’t seen nothing yet, hun.

The noises they made for Eiffel slurping coffee are so gross and childish I love them

Ooh, when he’s mocking Minkowski, Eiffel pronounces her name right!

Eiffel calling Hera “sweetheart” ^-^

Hilbert passing the explosion off as a hairdryer omg

[iiryebreadii]

Episode 15

- Hera we need you this place is falling apart :’(

- Eiffel doesn’t believe in chores but he DOES believe in chess

- Off the record time

- Isabelle has been Erased

- Hilbert is just Vibing

- Time to interrogate him babey

- HOHOHO USE THE STICK COMMANDER USE THE STICK

- SHES MORE THAN AN APPLIANCE HILBERT AND YOU K I L L E D H E R

- I don’t think he’s gonna talk commander

- Is that an apple??????? Delicious mm

- This man has chosen the airlock give it to him KILL HIM.

- Dang it Hilbert stop being smart for a minute

- BREAK HIM COMMANDER

- BREAK HIMMMM

- dang Hilbert go for the throat I guess

- Oh dear she’s angy

- Eiffel is just doin his best and frankly I am very proud of him

- HAHA TORTURE BY EIFFEL

- they are both afraid hmm

- Very interesting angle here Doug I’m liking it

- Doug has a special reason for being here??? I knew he was out of place but that has an in-universe purpose???

- And it’s a secret?? Where are you from Eiffel

- Aw commander you trust him enough to drop it :)

- HAHAHA GET HIM WHERE IT HURTS GET HIM IN THE SCIENCE

- “You’ve been running experiments with radiation, and microbes, and plants—“ “AND ME” “—and Eiffel!”

- Ooo he’s not giving in!!

- Commander. Why are you pointing a gun at Eiffel.

- Poor Eiffel :(

- Decima, corrosive, but with mutations it could make someone healthy?? This man is making an Übermensch???

- So it needs active place—ITS IN EIFFEL EXCUSE MEEE??????

- apple time I guess

- Every new episode I listen to is like being punched in the face with more information and I LOVE IT

- So Eiffel is some kind of guinea pig?? Or less of a guinea pig and more of a walking, talking, incubator

- Also, I love that when the research hard-drives weren’t cutting it, Minkowski just was like “well I have one other bargaining chip I guess” and just immediately prepared to kill Eiffel

- Very proud of Eiffel for going with it though, he trusts her!! At least, mostly. She was pointing a gun at his head, but. Details.

- Hilbert is just getting more and more interesting, I really liked his dialogue this episode

- Eiffel is apparently Mysterious so that’s cool. I’m glad to see that there’s an narrative reason he’s here with Commander Competent and Brainiac of Unethical Science, instead of it just being a storytelling situation of an Everyman in the presence of super intelligent/competent characters

- Hilbert’s breakdown of Minkowski was very interesting here, but he implies she doesn’t have the guts to kill someone, and THEN gives in when she threatens to kill Eiffel. I wonder if that was him just panicking after the isolation+starvation+loss of all his research, or if he’s playing 4D chess with them and was calling her bluff???

- then again,

- None Of Us Knew What Minkowski Was Going To Do In That Moment, Least Of All Minkowski

- Also!! Apparently i was right in my post on episode 11, cause this man really IS working toward immortality!! And I Do Not know how to feel about that!!

- I am PUMPED to see where this is all leading

[ty-talks-comics]

Best of DC: Week of January 29th, 2020

Best of this Week: Justice League #39 - Scott Snyder, Jorge Jimenez, Daniel Sampere, Juan Albarran, Alejandro Sanchez, Hi-Fi and Tom Napolitano

Talk about a Cosmic Sandbag.

Shayne, the alt-future son of Hawkgirl and Martian Manhunter, gave his life and essence so that his father could return from the darkness. This book opens with the amazing return of Martian Manhunter as drawn by Jorge Jimenez with colors by Alejandro Sanchez. Manhuner hasn’t been seen since Justice League #28 when Lex Luthor absorbed him to become Apex Lex, so this return had a monumental feel, especially as the rest of the League looks upon him with awe. Jimenez makes this moment feel powerful as J’onn stands tall against Perpetua with his reds glowing vibrantly thanks to Sanchez.

As soon as Perpetua takes notice that J’onn has returned, she lunges after him. This is likely due to the fact that Martian Manhunter is legitimately one of the most powerful telepaths in the DC Universe and in the subsequent pages, he makes the choice to connect the minds of the people of Earth with his and the rest of the Justice League to try and swing them all toward the side of hope. 

This results in a wonderful double page spread where Jimenez poses Martian Manhunter like he’s about to use the Solar Flare from Dragon Ball and speaks to the people. Jimenez and Sanchez show the people on the streets and various members of the League looking towards the sky with smiles on their faces. Snyder scripts this amazingly by having Manhunter give the rousing speech of goodness and rising above that Superman would normally give. What makes this even better is that Manhunter, who usually suffers disillusionment from living amongst humanity, does an amazing job.

J’onn’s speech manages to rouse enough people that the Totality, the macguffin that could imprison Perpetua once again, begins to glow and surge with energy. Perpetua, starting to feel the fear of loss orders an onslaught of the League. Jimenez emphasizes the anger on her face, the fear on Lex’s and the intensity of the battle happening on the steps of the Hall of Justice.. Sanchez makes sure that the colors almost surge off of the page with flashes of red and blue.

As the hope of the people of Earth continues to grow, the tendrils of the Totality wrap themselves around Perpetua’s spindly body as she screams in anger and hatred. Tom Napolitano places Martian Manhunter’s thought balloons perfectly throughout these pages as Snyder ends J’onn’s speech with the people of Earth joining together in the feeling of heroism and hope. The Sigil of Doom begins to fade away and Perpetua has failed…

And then “KRA-KOOM,” Napolitano’s powerful lettering cracks across the page as Jimenez draws the Sigil of Doom firmly seared into the sky and made even stronger by the overbearing hum of Sanchez’s vibrant green. This is the kinda trope that Scott Snyder does well, but also kinda overuses in his grand scale stories: The Cosmic Sandbag. The heroes were on the very cusp of victory and it seemed like the people of Earth were actually believing in the hope that Martian Manhunter was talking about, but instead they gave into their fear, hatred and base instincts just like Perpetua thought they would.

Snyder utilizes this bait and switch technique to show just how influential Perpetua’s evil is and how at the end of the day it will take more than just a flowery speech to turn people, especially since they watched the Justice Leagues battle the forces of Doom and lose massively. Snyder used this in Dark Nights: Metal anytime Batman thought he had a chance in defeating The Batman Who Laughs and Barbatos. They would just pull nonsense out of nowhere and further plunge our hero into despair because he couldn’t anticipate the villain’s very next five moves. I love it and hate it because it helps to show hopelessness, which I am a fan of, but Snyder does do it a bit too much for my tastes (See The Batman Who Laughs mini-series).

The next thing we see is a Rita Repulsa-esque cackle from Perpetua and honesty this might be my favorite of Jimenez’s panels because he just makes Perpetua look so petty. She’s basically saying, “Bitch, you really thought!” before explaining how everything was by her design. She wanted to give humanity a choice to hear both sides and they still chose Doom. Manhunter tried to hide his mind from her, but he failed to realize that as the creator of the Multiverse, he could never think fast enough to avoid her. Perpetua is far more powerful than these heroes could ever have anticipated.

Jimenez and Sanchez absolutely kill the next few panels as Perpetua casts away the shackles of the Totality, breaking out of the tendrils as her black cape...hair(?) causes a gust of wind to shake our heroes while the background shows varying tones of blue, almost a mockery of their ideals of hope. She stands over the Earth while the void of space appears vast around it and with a flick of her wrist and a flash of yellow she wipes the Justice League from existence. Doom truly has won and she vows to create a new story from the ashes of Hope.

Though, the universe itself has other ideas. In the black of Space, green matter begins to coalesce into a form, then that form takes shape and appears to be Martian Manhunter. Daniel Sampere, Hi-Fi and Juan Albarran take over the art from this point and pose Manhunter as if he’s in a womb, reborn after being supposedly killed by Perpetua and saved by something else. I love that Snyder places such importance on Manhunter and his humanity. Despite the insurmountable odds that the League has faced up to this point, he still does everything in his power to call back to the Earth, to try to win the people back.

He is unable to, however, and it seems as though he’s not the only one unable to use his powers as the rest of the League shows up behind him. In an awesome splash page Sampere and Albarran show everyone as wearing black bodysuits, potentially symbolizing a loss of identity or power as none of them seem to be able to use their abilities. Hawkgirl seems to be the only exception because her wings are a part of her. Superman tries to rationalize that as long as they’re not actually dead then there’s still hope, but then he fails to fly, landing back on the moon.

Another awesome thing about this issue is how it calls back to the very first issue of the run with the Quintessence showing up. The Quinessence are a group consisting of Highfather, The Phantom Stranger, Hera, The Wizard Shazam, The Spectre and Ganthet of the Guardians of Oa. They are some of the most powerful beings in the universe and even they knew that this was how things were meant to be. They saw the same vision of Doom that Martian Manunter did and saved the League in the nick of time to prepare them for what’s to come, not just a war of Justice or Doom, but for Everything.

With everything that’s been hinted at as far as the next incoming Crisis, this is a really good inciting incident as far as things go. Perpetua wins and sets up the next true war for the Multiverse. Given there’s still things to sort out with The Batman Who Laughs, the conflict is set and the Justice League has to give their all to ensure that they can protect the Universe. Superboy Prime is coming back in the pages of Shazam, Wally West has found his kids and Dark Multiverse world of his own creation and this issue even references Doomsday Clock and kinda cements its place as an alt-Universe story, but acknowledges the importance of it.

Scott Snyder has set the stage for everything to come and thanks to his fantastic art team telling the story, he drums up the feeling that there’s still a way to see Geoff Johns original vision for Rebirth through. The hope is there, the League just needs to fight for it. I can’t wait to see what Robert Venditti can do as the writer for Justice League given the amazing work he’s done with Green Lantern and The Freedom Fighters series. Doug Mahnke also taking over as main artist is also a welcome change as he’s one of my favorite of DC’s regulars as well.

This was a high recommend and I can’t wait for the future!

[geejaysmith]

Kat and I have amazing conversations sometimes and I felt they had to be shared. Also, alienfuckers, dad jokes, Maxwell’s alternative lifestyle and other headcanons, and Ace Attorney: Doug Eiffel edition. Full transcript under the cut.

Gill [Yesterday at 6:05 PM]: On an Unrelated topic: after the finale the crew remembers "OH YEAH, EIFFEL ACTUALLY HAD A FACE-TO-FACE CONVERSATION WITH ALIENS" and now in addition to all the other reasons to want him to Remember they're really freakin' curious to know how that went

Kat [Yesterday at 6:11 PM]: Minkowski: so what did they look like Eiffel: me (They do seem to like his body, they had a few models to choose from when talking to Cutter.)

Gill [Yesterday at 6:13 PM]: Eiffel, probably: at least the aliens think I'm cool I know what was meant by that but your phrasing made me think "In a shocking turn of events, it is the aliens who are attracted to the human." The aliens... are alienfuckers

Kat [Yesterday at 6:17 PM]: I don't think that's their jam but that WOULD be just his luck

Gill [Yesterday at 6:18 PM]: It is unlikely, but also: it would be hilarious

Kat [Yesterday at 6:21 PM]: the aliens keep sending me mental sexts and i crave death

Gill [Yesterday at 6:22 PM]: And lo another shitpost transforms into a fanfic concept, like a humble irradiated lizard becoming Godzilla: "would you fuck your clone?"

Kat [Yesterday at 6:28 PM]: leave him alone has the man not suffered enough

Gill [Yesterday at 6:28 PM]: No

Kat [Yesterday at 6:29 PM]: sigh

Gill [Yesterday at 6:29 PM]: Dance for my amusement, Douglas And also because I earnestly suspect that in the case of Eiffel and an interested alien-consciousness-in-the-form-of-a-Xerox-copy-of-him the answer would end up being "yes"

Kat [Yesterday at 6:34 PM]: idk i feel like it'd be more like "Oh what you spend two fucking years trying to drag us into the star because you can't be assed to make an appearance but you'll teleport across the galaxy for a booty call? Fuck you and I mean that figuratively" later sluts

Gill [Yesterday at 6:36 PM]: Bob is a bad datemate Is this entire train of thought brought on by the fact I still think of the person who expressed they shipped Bob/Eiffel in the tags of the "Take your double to Disneyland" post? Perhaps

Kat [Yesterday at 6:39 PM]: i don't know that you can have this at the same time as 'what if the aliens' bodies are still the people suppressed' without it getting Fucked Up but that's your perogative I guess as long as I don't have to hear about it family can't walk w me tonight so i need to hit the treadmill for a bit. ttyl

Gill [Yesterday at 6:41 PM]: See u in a bit! But ah yes, I hadn't thought of that til you brought it up Points at one explanation of Dear Listener manifestations for some ideas, points at a different explanation for ideas that would become unintentionally Pretty Fucked Up under the first explanation Although there is comedy potential to be found in Eiffel and Eiffel-2 having the "are we down with this" conversation In the /Justin McElroy voice, "someone just discovered they have ~the world's worst fetish~" sense

Kat [Yesterday at 7:33 PM]: a different terrible concept: eiffel with his pop culture references restored will likely be called upon to testify at the united nations

Gill [Yesterday at 7:37 PM]: O h  g o d Ace Attorney: Doug Eiffel edition

Kat [Yesterday at 7:46 PM]: i mean they're gonna have to tell the world SOMEHOW and i'd think the international court would want to know and he's the one with the subconscious recall implanted sidenote if the DL can do that mental transfer could they have just... asked them to reupload whatever their most recent scan of eiffel was there are so many ways around this that's why it failed to get much of an emotional rxn from me

Gill [Yesterday at 7:47 PM]: Minkowski and Lovelace trying to get him to practice his testimony bc if they hit enough subconscious recall triggers they can at LEAST get thru an explanation of the aliens without Eiffel going off into a tangent Once they're off the Dear Listeners' script though all bets are off

Kat [Yesterday at 7:48 PM]: here's a list of preplanned questions your honor we're not responsible if you ask anything else

Gill [Yesterday at 7:51 PM]: Eiffel, maybe: now Goddard didn't send up us there to bring home any xenomorphs but let me tell you, with the Decima project? They might as WELL have let a facehugger get up close and personal with me The translators rapidly swapping notes on late 70's sci-of cinema because a handful of them actually know what he's talking about

Kat [Yesterday at 7:54 PM]: Minkowski headdesking behind him Eiffel English isn't most of these people's first languages

Gill [Yesterday at 7:57 PM]: The news cameras are all dead-focused on Eiffel. He's hit his stride and is picking up steam. "And it was right around the time I was coughing up my liquefied respiratory system that I thought to myself, gee, I'd MUCH rather get a face of alien wing-wong than deal with this!" Minkowski is off to the side. She is visibly restraining herself. No poker face in the world can hide how hard she is longing for death. Whether it is hers or Eiffel's is a subject of contentious debate.

Kat [Yesterday at 7:58 PM]: someone at an elementary school: hey Garcia, is that your dad

Gill [Yesterday at 8:01 PM]: Anne, who was four the last time she saw her father in person, gets one look at the man weaving an intricate Star Wars metaphor out of crimes against humanity and recognizes him instantly, but signs back "I have never seen this guy before in my life."

Kat [Yesterday at 8:04 PM]: good call kiddo

============

Gill [Yesterday at 8:10 PM]: Honestly I love the concept that no matter how much Eiffel may drive them up the wall sometimes the rest of the crew would meet Anne and immediately be ready to kill a man for her sake

Kat [Yesterday at 8:15 PM]: as far as we know he's the only crewmember with kids women in the military... it wouldn't be easy even if you wanted one, which idk if any of them did

Gill [Yesterday at 8:15 PM]: Wait wait, brainwave: it is actually AMAZING that Minkowski had no idea Eiffel had a child because... does he seem like the kind of guy. Who would ever resist a Dad Joke.

Kat [Yesterday at 8:15 PM]: haha fair

Gill [Yesterday at 8:16 PM]: Eiffel: Actually, I have amazing self-restraint when I choose to exercise it. (Various noises of disbelief.) Eiffel: have you ever heard me tell a dad joke? No? I rest my case

Kat [Yesterday at 8:21 PM]: biggest plot hole of the series more like it was too painful a memory but still

Gill [Yesterday at 8:22 PM]: If he ever patches that connection it'll open the floodgates

Kat [Yesterday at 8:26 PM]: He'll become the Maes Hughes of the gang, except with fewer war crimes

Gill [Yesterday at 8:27 PM]: ...has anyone on this crew done war crimes? SI-5 excepted of course, they have obviously done war crimes

Kat [Yesterday at 8:32 PM]: yeah SI5 is war crime central I'm not sure about some of the other stuff executing a prisoner? idk about Minkowski

Gill [Yesterday at 8:32 PM]: Also my thought

Kat [Yesterday at 8:32 PM]: she wasn't a formal pow though it was an ongoing engagement I don't know the rules

Gill [Yesterday at 8:32 PM]: Minkowski Has Done One (1) War Crime (Goddard Futuristics attempts to bring that against her in the court case only for Maxwell to stroll in like lol what's up gang)

Kat [Yesterday at 8:37 PM]: does Goddard in its current incarnation last long enough to sue anyone i mean i think you could sue them for attempted genocide

Gill [Yesterday at 8:38 PM]: Look I have had one semester of business law You were the one who almost went to law school Also re: other characters being parents, the only one I could see going kiiiinda either way on the subject is Lovelace and it wouldn't have been terribly high on her priority list prior to the Hephaestus mission I can see characters having the opinion that they could see Minkowski as a mom but she and her husband both strike me as understanding themselves and one another as being more career-oriented

Kat [Yesterday at 8:44 PM]: yeah if she wanted to rise in the ranks of the military... that would probably be a strike against her

Gill [Yesterday at 8:44 PM] And the implication she's got a Complex about her parents having both left promising careers to raise her Also, Lovelace: Well I always said I could see myself settling down someday, maybe have a family if I met the right person, but when I took the job with Goddard it was legally dubious whether I could actually do that- Eiffel: Because you're an alien? Eiffel: Eiffel: ...wait a sec

Kat [Yesterday at 8:54 PM]: ha It's ok to be gay in space

Gill [Yesterday at 8:56 PM]: Alternatively it's Hera who said that bc didn't connect those dots right away, meanwhile Eiffel saw Lovelace in a flannel shirt once and Knew Immediately Eiffel may be dumb but somehow his Bi-Fi has yet to fail him

Kat [Yesterday at 8:59 PM]: Hera doesn't grasp  human sexuality nuances

Gill [Yesterday at 9:01 PM]: Funny addition to above thought: Eiffel put together that Jacobi was gay after like three days on the Urania, was the only one on the Hephaestus crew to do so, and just never felt it was relevant to bring up Hera, my child... you have much to learn (Also, Hera, probably: I'm experimenting at the moment, I'm looking for a torrent so I can download lesbianism)

Kat [Yesterday at 9:04 PM]: I don't know which option is funnier, that Jacobi is just Really Fucking Obvious but Eiffel was the only one paying attention or that it was super subtle and everyone's like How Did You Do That lovelace's righteous fury overwhelmed her gaydar, she was too mad to go 'same hat'

Gill [Yesterday at 9:07 PM]: Eiffel: I have something to confess to all of you... Jacobi: Eiffel literally not a single person on this ship is straight Eiffel: Oh I was just going to recount a PG version of my wild younger days, let's just say I know a thing or two because I've seen a thing or two.

Kat [Yesterday at 9:07 PM]: Jacobi on Earth: Just matched with myself on Grinder a-fucking-GAIN

Gill [Yesterday at 9:10 PM]: Jacobi: Oh I definitely picked up on it but who wants to go playing into stereotypes by speculating on what may or may not be a promiscuous history? Eiffel: Promiscuous? Look I've got notches in my belt but mostly I just ended up laying in somebody's bathtub at a house party while just conscious enough to nod along to someone else's relationship drama. Eiffel: to several sororities, I was the Gay Bathtub Wizard.

Kat [Yesterday at 9:11 PM]: Maxwell on day one of orientation: So if SI5 is paramilitary what's their stance on alternative lifestyles? Jacobi: I was recruited in a gay bar.

Gill [Yesterday at 9:12 PM]: Her asking the question has my brain going in several different directions

Kat [Yesterday at 9:13 PM]: I think she was recruited right after dadt was repealed... if obama exists in this universe fantasy obama

Gill [Yesterday at 9:15 PM]: One part of my brain: Maxwell is also gay Another part of my brain: Maxwell is exclusively attracted to nonhuman persons Yet another part of my brain, most adjacent to number #2: Maxwell voice, who in their right mind would build a robot that can't fuck? The 4th part of my brain: Maxwell wants to know how chill they'll be with her living exclusively off energy drinks and frozen yogurt for weeks at a time

Kat [Yesterday at 9:15 PM]: honestly I figured whatever it was it was MUCH weirder than just being gay

Gill [Yesterday at 9:15 PM]: Maxwell: I have plans to take over the world with my army of battle bots and rule as their robot queen.

Kat [Yesterday at 9:16 PM]: Maxwell: wait if you were recruited in a gay bar does that mean our boss frequents those or did he just go there to get you Jacobi: Believe me the question haunts me also Jacobi: sounds great i'm in

Gill [Yesterday at 9:16 PM]: Or, Maxwell: I am not joking for an instant when I say that I for one welcome our alien overlords "When I was 13 I tried to get myself abducted by aliens" except it's not a joke it's an actual minor headcanon of mine Also I almost typed "adopted" rather than "abducted" which shows you why Alana would probably want to do that

Kat [Yesterday at 9:19 PM]: she did say she's on bad terms with her family

Gill [Yesterday at 9:20 PM]: She grew up a pastor's kid in a tiny rural town in Montana, hearing that they don't get along is the furthest thing from a surprise to me. The surprise is that Maxwell has a restraining order against them

Kat [Yesterday at 9:21 PM]: tht implies the court found reasonable cause to issue one wack anyway i had a long day, i'm gonna call it a night

Gill [Yesterday at 9:21 PM]: o/ But yeah that Maxwell empathizes with nonhumans, apparently more than with most regular humans, that makes perfect sense to me I can see her frustration with the AI Ethics board in her last job Expressing Their Concerns and her suppressing flashbacks to many a Creationist rant, and trying to keep her eye from twitching visibly, and no I am not projecting I am just coloring in blank spaces in the narrative with my relevant life experience

[waveridden]

FIC: living on your own time

“Mr. Kerchev is just married, and there’s nothing more that newlyweds love on honeymoons than other newlyweds to show off in front of.” Kepler arches an eyebrow, presumably to let everyone absorb that. (W359 undercover as married AU, 3.1k)

A/N: this is actually a chunk of an abandoned WIP from a handful of months ago. I decided to rework the opening scene into something presentable. The longer fic, if it’s ever finished, would be Minkowski/Lovelace and Eiffel/Jacobi, with a little bit of Eiffel/Jacobi even shining through in this scene. (What can I say? I’m biased.)

AUcember || title lyric || read on ao3

#

“Ladies, gentlemen.” Kepler looks around the room. “What do you know about the Ukrainian mob? And Agent Eiffel, don’t say that you know they’re from Ukraine.”

Eiffel closes his mouth just long enough to frown. “That’s a legitimate piece of knowledge, sir, I think it’s to my credit that I- ow. ”

“Whoops,” Hera says cheerfully, and lifts her heel so it’s not crushing Eiffel’s big toe anymore. She’s smiling, which is the worst part. Smiling like she knows that she’s embarrassing him in a mission briefing. Smiling like she doesn’t care, which is even worse. It’s the ultimate betrayal.

Kepler doesn’t even acknowledge them. Consummate professional, that guy. “Of course, we have local mob chapters all over the country, but the main boss-”

“-is in Ukraine,” Eiffel finishes triumphantly, but this time it’s Minkowski who elbows him in the ribs. “Hey!”

“Time and a place,” Lovelace says mildly, from where she’s practically draped over one of Maxwell’s fancy touch-screen computer tables. Which is totally unfair, because if it were Eiffel, Maxwell would’ve pushed him on the floor by now.

“The time is now!” Eiffel protests. “We’re talking about the Ukrainian mob! There’s no better time!”

“I can duct tape his mouth shut if you want,” Jacobi offers, which, again, definitely unfair. If Eiffel said something about duct taping Jacobi’s mouth shut, Hera would make fun of him for having an oral fixation, and Kepler definitely wouldn’t make a face like he’s considering it. Eiffel tries to glare, but Jacobi just sort of smirks at him. “Solve a couple problems.”

After a couple seconds, Kepler sighs. “Just keep poking at him until he stops trying?”

Eiffel rolls his eyes, but Minkowski and Hera both say “yes, sir” in eerie unison, so it must not be worth the effort of arguing.

“Good,” Kepler says. “The Ukrainian mob - which is based in Ukraine, thank you, Agent Eiffel - is helmed by this man.” Maxwell, standing at Kepler’s side, hits a button, and a couple of images pop up on the massive display screen. It’s a blond white guy, early thirties, with that creepy dead-eyed stare that most mob bosses have. “Mr. Yevgeni Kerchev, who likes to cause a lot of trouble by dealing arms.”

“Seems young,” Lovelace says, propping her chin up on one palm. Her eyes narrow. “Let me guess, inherited?”

“Correct, Agent Lovelace.” Maxwell hits another button, and another image comes up, this time a family photo. “Here we have Mr. Kerchev, with his recently deceased father Piotr and his missing-in-action brother Viktor. This is all speculation, of course, but we’re pretty sure that Yevgeni killed both his father and his brother in order to take over the operation.”

“Mr. Kerchev is on watchlists all over the country. CIA, FBI, NSA, anything with three letters. Hell, the EPA probably has it out for him.” Kepler’s eyes sharpen. “He’s also stolen proprietary Goddard tech to redistribute.”

Hera whistles lowly. “I didn’t know you could steal from Goddard.”

“Generally, you can’t.” Jacobi frowns at the screen, eyes narrowing. “How’d he get away with it?”

“Mob connections, probably.” Maxwell’s mouth twitches. “Probably went all Godfather on some employee.”

Eiffel jolts upright, a slow grin already spreading across his face. “They made someone an offer they couldn’t refuse?”

Jacobi glares at Maxwell, who already looks sheepish. “You had to enable him?”

“Oh, don’t hold out on me now, Doctor.” Eiffel clasps his hands together. “Please, tell me more about Mr. Kerchev sneaking a horse’s head into Rachel Young’s bed.”

“You had to enable him,” Kepler repeats heavily, and this time Maxwell shrugs. “Fine. The point is, our goal is to bring Kerchev in as soon as possible. And luckily for us, it looks like we have an opportunity.”

“Wedding bells are ringing for Mr. Kerchev.” Maxwell hits another button, and a few more pictures pop up, all of Yevgeni Kerchev with a pretty blonde woman. “Meet Natalie Delight, and yes, that’s her real last name.”

“The YouTuber?” Minkowski says dubiously.

“Who taught you what YouTube is?” Eiffel demands. He recognizes her, now that he has a career to put to the face. “Hera, did you-”

“Me, actually,” Lovelace drawls, looking immensely pleased with herself. “Someone’s got to teach our good commander how to entertain herself online.”

“Remember before we worked with them?” Maxwell sighs, slanting a longing look at Jacobi. Even Kepler looks a little wistful, which hurts maybe more than it should. “Back in the good old days, when we would’ve been done with the mission briefing by now.”

“Already be on the next flight to Ukraine,” Jacobi mumbles.

“Not Ukraine,” Kepler says. “If you all don’t mind terribly, I’d like to get you sent on your merry way, so if you could let Dr. Maxwell and I finish with your mission briefing-”

“Aye-aye, sir,” Eiffel says, and doesn’t even protest when Hera lifts a hand to close her fingers over his mouth. He doesn’t even lick her palm, because that’s the kind of chivalrous guy and good employee that Doug Eiffel is.

“Go on, sir,” Hera says, and lifts her other hand to cover the first for good measure.

Kepler doesn’t smile, but Eiffel kind of gets the impression that he’s pleased anyways. “Natalie Delight has just married Yevgeni Kerchev, and they’re going on a honeymoon. South of France, lovely spa resort, vineyard attached, very remote. They’ll be there for ten days, and that’s ten whole days where Kerchev will be out in the open for us to find.”

Minkowski leans forward. “Sir, is this an assassination or an extraction?”

“Extraction, if possible. We don’t know what Kerchev did with the weapons he stole from Goddard, and we want them back.”

“Extraction,” Lovelace repeats. “Undercover?”

“Undercover. Mr. Kerchev is just married, and there’s nothing more that newlyweds love on honeymoons than other newlyweds to show off in front of.” Kepler arches an eyebrow, presumably to let everyone absorb that.

Eiffel glances around the room. If they need newlyweds, then they need two people. Hera never goes on missions, by virtue of technically not being trained for that, and with something this secretive Kepler will probably want Maxwell to stay in Canaveral.

And of course, SI-5 mission assignments are always… erratic, to say the least. Eiffel’s not really trained for any of this, but he’s still gone undercover more than once, so there’s a good chance that he’ll be going again. As far as partners go, Minkowski’s kind of an awful liar and Jacobi is about as subtle as a flaming sledgehammer, so that leaves…

“Dibs on Lovelace,” Eiffel says, even though it’s muffled by both of Hera’s hands. She grimaces, but digs her fingers into his cheek and holds on. “Hey!”

Kepler arches an eyebrow. “Something you want to share with the class, Agent Eiffel?”

Hera reluctantly pulls her hands away, and Eiffel grins. “Dibs on Lovelace?”

“It’s cute that you think it’s your choice,” Maxwell says, “but yes, that’s the plan. You and Agent Lovelace will be going undercover as newlyweds honeymooning at this resort.”

Eiffel grins over at Lovelace, who smiles back at him, looking pleased. Sure, everyone on this team likes to act like he doesn’t know what he’s doing, and sure, they’re normally right. But something about working with Lovelace makes him better at his job. Probably something to do with them actually being friends.

“What do you say, Isabel?” Eiffel wiggles his eyebrows, and she rolls her eyes at him. “Wanna get hitched?”

“Mm, I think I’m the one who proposed.” Lovelace glances at Hera. “Can we make that official?”

“I can make that official,” Hera says, because she is Eiffel’s best friend, and by extension his greatest enemy. “Congratulations on the engagement. And the wedding. I was Eiffel’s best man, of course.”

Eiffel beams at her. “Aw, baby, you know I wouldn’t have anyone else.”

Maxwell clears her throat, and all eyes go to her. She looks excited. Unnervingly so. “Sir?”

“Because this is such a high-priority mission, we need as many agents as possible in the field.” Kepler inclines his head. “Hera, obviously, you’re staying here with me, and Maxwell is staying because she has more than enough other projects to work on. So Jacobi, Minkowski, mazel tov.”

“No,” Jacobi says sharply. “No, sir, you can’t-”

“I’m going to have to object too,” Minkowski says, looking a little green around the gills. “You don’t mean-”

“I do mean.” Kepler fixes Minkowski with a placid look, and Maxwell has to hide her smile behind her remote. “Jacobi, Minkowski, the two of you will be going undercover with Eiffel and Lovelace. This is too serious to let go because you two are squeamish about it, do you understand?”

“Colonel,” Eiffel breathes, “it’s not even my birthday and you’ve given me the greatest gift of all.” Minkowski glares at him, but Eiffel can’t even bring himself to care. This is it. He’s died and gone to heaven, which must be real after all, because now he gets to watch Minkowski and Jacobi have to act like people. People in love. People in love with each other. “Hera, am I dreaming?”

“Maybe,” Hera whispers back. “But probably not.”

“Why do I have to be with Minkowski?” Jacobi demands. “Why can’t I be with Lovelace?”

“Eiffel called dibs,” Maxwell says, which is completely true. Eiffel knew he liked her for a reason. Maxwell is Eiffel’s favorite now. “That, and we’re pretty sure she’s the least likely to go stir crazy and kill him while you’re living together for ten days.”

“Minkowski’s really not my type. And for that matter, neither is Lovelace.”

“Do you want to be married to Eiffel for a week and a half?”

Eiffel carefully looks just over Jacobi’s shoulder, so it doesn’t look like he’s invested in hearing the answer. Because that would be desperate, and Eiffel isn’t desperate.

“Maybe Minkowski won’t be so bad,” Jacobi allows grudgingly, and Eiffel doesn’t let his face fall. He refuses. Hera bumps her hip against Eiffel’s, and he bumps her back, because there’s not much else to do in a moment like this.

“If only so Eiffel doesn’t die,” Minkowski agrees. Eiffel rolls his eyes. One of these days, these people are going to get tired of giving him shit. It hasn’t happened yet, but it has to one day.

“Congratulations on your vows,” Kepler says, with all of the infinite patience of someone who is very, very close to snapping at them all. “Eiffel, Lovelace, you’re our A-team on this. You’re going to make sure Kerchev is complacent and comfortable and having the time of his life, do you understand?”

“Yessir,” Eiffel says quickly, and Lovelace nods.

“Minkowski, Jacobi, you’re backup. You only contact Kerchev and Delight through Eiffel and Lovelace, never directly. You are there for intelligence, and you are there to make sure things don’t go wrong. Is that clear?”

“Crystal,” Jacobi grits out. If nothing else, Eiffel can appreciate the fun shade of puce that his face is turning right now.

“Excellent.” And just like that, the vein bulging in Kepler’s neck goes from “meltdown imminent” to “meltdown might be happening next Thursday.” Eiffel barely avoids sighing in relief. “You’re leaving for your honeymoon bright and early tomorrow morning, so get packed. Maxwell already emailed out your supply lists, and we’ll have some waiting for you once you get to France. Remember, you have ten days.”

“It’ll only take four,” Jacobi promises. Minkowski mutters something in agreement.

“Eiffel’s going to help me review comm devices,” Hera announces, and grabs him by the elbow. For such a tiny woman, she has hands of iron. It’s one of the things he loves about her, although maybe not in this moment. “Right, Doug?”

“Right,” Eiffel says, because he’s not about to argue with Hera about this. “Colonel, permission to check up on the comms array?”

Kepler nods. “Dismissed, both of you. Make sure you have something that’ll work well long-distance. You never know what kind of situations you’ll run into.”

Eiffel flicks off a quick salute before Hera starts tugging him towards the door. “Hey, Lovelace, wanna go ring shopping later?”

“I’d rather shave my legs with a potato peeler,” Lovelace answers blithely, ignoring Eiffel’s full-body shudder, because ew. “Goddard’ll have rings for us, right? We kind of need them.”

“We have a selection of standard-issue fake wedding rings,” Maxwell confirms, which is maybe the strangest sentence that Eiffel has ever heard come out of her mouth. She’s starting to say something else when Hera drags Eiffel out of the room and shuts the door behind her.

“Well,” Eiffel says slowly. He gets the feeling that he’s missing something here. “Comms room?”

“Comms room,” Hera agrees. “Great place to avoid being overheard.” She starts down the hall, moving so fast that it takes Eiffel aback.

He waits until he pulls the comms room door closed to look at Hera. “What?”

“What, me?” Hera frowns. “How about what, you?”

“What me?”

“Jacobi?”

Eiffel grimaces. “Yeah, that wasn’t the best.”

“That was totally unfair of him,” Hera says nobly, which, okay, that might not be true. Eiffel doesn’t have the best track record with undercover missions, but Hera probably doesn’t care about that. She’s definitely the best friend that Eiffel has ever had: she’s smart as a whip, she’s a good listener, and she is completely devoted to defending his honor even when he doesn’t deserve it.

“Maybe,” Eiffel hedges, but apparently that’s not enough, because she glares at him. “What? The guy’s allowed to not want to marry me for the sake of taking down a Serbian mobster-”

“Ukrainian.”

“Don’t tell Kepler I said that.”

“After your whole ‘I know he’s from Ukraine’ bit?” Hera snorts.

Eiffel winces. “Not my finest moment.”

He’s never going to admit it to anyone other than Hera, who already knows all his darkest secrets, but he kind of wants Kepler to like him. It’s partly a self preservation thing, because he gets the impression that people Kepler doesn’t like go away and are never heard from again. But it’s also because he’s pretty sure everyone else on the team likes him. Even if it’s the awkward, begrudging kind of liking that people start out with, they still like him. Kepler doesn’t seem to like anyone, but Eiffel’s going to try his best anyways. Because that’s what doing his job is all about. Or something.

Hera waves him off. “You’ll have another moment soon, don’t worry about it.”

“Thank you?”

“You’re welcome.” She flashes a smile at him, but it doesn’t quite reach her eyes. “Okay, we actually do need to do our jobs-”

“Do we?”

“Yes, Douglas, so pick a comms array for when you head off to France.”

“Alright, geez.” Hera only calls him Douglas when she’s patronizing him, or as a codeword something’s gone horribly wrong. He’s actually not sure which one of those situations is happening right now. But he gives it a minute, just to feel it out. He starts going through their communications devices - they need something that prioritizes the short-range, but Kepler was right about the long-distance - and settles on one of the newer models, setting it on the table in the middle of the room. “Think these’ll work?”

Hera, who seems to be settled in staring at the door, doesn’t even look. “Mmmhm.”

“Do you know what I’m talking about?”

“You don’t need me to tell you how to do your job, do you?”

Eiffel pauses. “Nnnnnnno?”

“Do you think those will work?”

He looks down at the case. “Probably?”

“Then they’re yours.”

“Hera, what’s-”

“Nothing!” Hera whirls around and slams her hands on the table. The comms room is small enough that the smack echoes, and Eiffel has to try not to flinch. “You know, maybe I’m trying to- to have your back on this whole Jacobi thing, which I still don’t get, by the way-”

“You don’t need to get it,” Eiffel mumbles, but shuts his mouth as soon as Hera’s eyes sharpen.

“Maybe I don’t need to get it, but I’m still trying to back you up with all this, and you don’t even seem bothered by it!” She folds her arms, and suddenly she looks far too small. “Maybe it’s bothering me, and I don’t know why it’s not bothering you that this is happening.”

Eiffel blinks. “This isn’t about Jacobi.”

She looks away, and Eiffel lets out a long breath. Of course it’s not about Jacobi. This is going to be the first time he’s going undercover since… since.

“Hera,” he says softly, and goes around the table so he’s closer to her. “All four of us are going to have a direct line to you and Alana the whole time.”

“The whole time,” Hera repeats, not quite mocking, and it feels like a fist wraps around Eiffel’s heart and squeezes. “Yeah, nothing’s gonna go wrong.”

Eiffel snorts. “Darlin’, something’s going to go wrong, and you and I both know it.”

She shoots a glare at him, which is completely undercut by how watery her eyes are. “Then why aren’t you worried?”

“Because I’m going to spend the whole time partnered up with Isabel, who’s one of the best people to have in a crisis. And Minkowski and Jacobi are going to be there, and they’re the best backup. And best of all-” he reaches out and rests his hands on her shoulders, as lightly as he can, and she relaxes into it - “you’re gonna be in my ear making sure that I don’t do anything too stupid.”

“You’d better not.”

“I’ll try my best.” Eiffel grins. “I’ll call you every night.”

Hera’s face relaxes into a smile, and Eiffel’s lungs collapse with relief. “You think your wife’s going to like that?”

“You know, I get this funny feeling that she’ll understand.”

“Every night,” she says seriously. “Last thing before you go to bed, no matter how late it is.”

“What’s the time difference between Canaveral and France?”

“Enough that you’ll be calling me and the other way around.”

Eiffel smiles and squeezes Hera’s shoulders. “Every night and twice on weekends.”

“Good,” Hera says, and steps forward to bury her face in the crook of Eiffel’s neck. “Come back.”

“I will.”

“Without the bad parts this time.”

“I will,” Eiffel repeats, and hopes more than anything that it’s not an empty promise.

[hephaestuscrew]

Some more things I noticed in the finale:

Kepler's final words to Jacobi are "Thank you Daniel, and goodbye."

Both Minkowski and Lovelace use their own full names as a way of asserting their own power in their final confrontation with Cutter. When he asks "without me, who are you?", Minkowski responds "Renée Minkowski... and that is more than enough to kick your ass!" before punching him. In a similar vein, Lovelace declares "I am... Captain Isabel Lovelace. No matter how hard you try... you are not taking that away from me."

When Hera talks to post-memory-loss Pryce, she says "Doctor, my name is Hera" and Pryce responds "Very nice to meet you, Hera." She finally respects Hera's right to her own name.

Hera then gives Pryce's name back to her, telling her "Your name is Doctor Miranda Pryce."

After Eiffel's memory is wiped, Minkowski initially still calls him "Eiffel". But when she sees him for the first time after she wakes up on the Urania, he says "Hey Renée" and she responds "Hi Doug." After that we don't hear anyone refer to him as 'Eiffel'.

Minkowski says to Eiffel "And what about you, Mister? You gonna hang out here while I get us on course?" The "Mister" seems to me like the sort of fond but patronising thing you might say to a child. There's something slightly awkward about it. I don't think it's something she would have said to pre-memory-loss Eiffel. It seems like a way of Minkowski avoiding calling this new version of Eiffel by his name. It also separates him from his previous title of "Officer".

Eiffel responds "If it's all right with you, Renée." And then Minkowski says "Come on Doug." Another direct exchange of first names after years of surnames and military titles.

Every Time I Can Think of When Names/What People Are Called Is Significant in Wolf 359

Cutter using everyone's first names as part of his terrifying over-friendliness thing. It's also definitely a power move because the crew aren't permitted to call him by his first name. They have to address him as Mr Cutter.

Alexander Hilbert / Elias Selberg / Dmitri Volodin. Since Hilbert has been working for Goddard for a long time, we can assume that these aren't even the only names he's gone by. The repeated identity-switching illustrates how Hilbert doesn't really have a life outside Goddard.

When trying to find out about Hilbert's past in Ep25, Eiffel asks him for his real name, like he thinks this might tell him who Hilbert really is.

After learning Hilbert's original name, Eiffel agrees to the continuation of the Decima experiments, although he says "I still don't trust you, Dmitri Volodin." I think this is the only time we hear Hilbert being called by his original name on the Hephaestus. Even at the funeral, Eiffel calls him Alexander Hilbert. The name that sticks is just the one he happened to die whilst wearing.

Lovelace sometimes calls Hilbert Selberg (e.g. "I've seen Selberg's dark side")- this seems to indicate when she's feeling most mistrustful of him.

Although the aliases are a practical measure, they also create a degree of separation between Hilbert and his previous selves. I think the most notable example is when he yells "Selberg not here today" at Lovelace in Ep26. When Hilbert is trying to save Eiffel from dying of Decima, he does not want to be called by the name of a man who killed two people using that same virus.

Like Hilbert, Cutter has gone by many names (William Carter, Marcus Cutter etc). He sheds identities to suit his purposes.

Andrea Nash /Rachel Young also took on a new name when she joined Goddard.

In her logs from the first Hephaestus mission, Lovelace says about Lambert, "I wish you were here Sam, I wish you were here to ask me not to call you that"

In her first meeting with Hilbert, Lovelace insists on being called Isabel.

I might be wrong, but I'm pretty sure that the only people who call Lovelace "Isabel" at any point are Cutter and Hilbert. Cutter calls her it because he does first names with everyone, but Hilbert asks "Isabel... are you listening to yourself?" in Ep38 after she's given an any-means-necessary revenge rant. And he calls her Isabel again in Ep44 when they are inspecting the mind-reading chair thing before the mutiny. In a twisted way, it's an acknowledgement of their shared history. Hilbert thinks he knows Lovelace better than the rest of the crew do, so he feels entitled to call her by her first name.

For Hera, her name (as opposed to her designation of Unit 214, which places her as just one among many, rather than an individual) is an assertion of personhood. Pryce insists on calling her Unit 214 and chides Cutter for calling AI by their names, because she doesn't see AIs as people.

The crew call Hera Unit 214 when they are being mind-controlled and Eiffel gives away his non-brainwashed state by automatically calling her Hera, indicating his inability to see her as a mere machine.

In Hera's first meeting with Minkowski, Minkowski initially calls her Unit 214 because she had heard that AIs prefer to go by their serial numbers (incidentally, the fact that Minkowski looked into this is wonderful. I wonder whether its true that most AI like to be called by their serial numbers or whether this information is put out by Pryce to deprive AIs of identity.) Hera responds "Oh, no, no. Hera. Definitely Hera."

In Hera's backstory ep, it is revealed that Goddard doesn't name their AIs until after they've been assigned to a posting. This really illustrates Goddard's attitude of "we won't consider treating you like a person unless you're useful to us".

Hera doesn't always have control over how she addresses the crew. She is forced to call Hilbert Commander during his Christmas mutiny. After Kepler's arrival, she starts calling Minkowski 'Lieutenant' rather than 'Commander' without even noticing. This is a symbol of her lack of autonomy over who to respect/ obey.

When Eiffel's freaked out about Lovelace being an alien, he keeps calling her "Cap" and she picks up on this as a sign of something being up.

Minkowski's surname and its correct pronunciation as a representation of her Polish heritage, which Eiffel disrespects by mispronouncing it. He says he initially tried to get it right, but stopped trying after they started fighting. After she tells him how much his mispronounciation bothers her in Ep51, we do hear him start to try to correct himself.

Eiffel insisting on calling Minkowski "Commander" even when she isn't officially the Commander - at times, it almost feels like a nickname or a term of affection. Even when she's voluntarily given up command to Lovelace, he still asks "Do I really have to call you Lieutenant?" It's an indication that, even though he doesn't always show it, he does see her as the one in charge.

I remember seeing a post which suggested that Eiffel calls Minkowski "Commander" when he is showing full respect for her and "Minkowski" (pronounced wrong) when he isn't, and I think there's definitely some truth to that.

He calls her Commander in his last words before being stranded in deep space (Ep28), before launching himself into the star (Ep52) and before the mind-wipe (Ep61).

I'm pretty sure that the first time Eiffel calls Minkowski 'Renée' is when he is begging her not to send him off back to Earth in the Sol. This is followed by Minkowski saying "Goodbye, Doug."

Minkowski does call Eiffel Doug several times in the early episodes but I think this is more because the writers hadn't fixed on the significance of names at this point. I think I remember seeing the writers saying that they wish they'd held back on her calling him Doug so that it would have more power later on.

During Eiffel & Minkowski's first meeting, she cuts herself off from asking him to call her Renée, and says Minkowski instead (perhaps because she's trying to be more formal/authoritative). After he butchers her surname a few times, she tells him to call her Commander.

Minkowski reintroducing herself to Eiffel after the mindwipe. Eiffel pronounces Minkowski's name correctly first time. This time she does ask him to "call me Renée".

This might be a stretch but arguably it's significant that she reintroduces herself with "my name is Renée Minkowski. I'm the Commander of this space station" rather than "I'm Commander Renée Minkowski"- she isn't defining herself by her military position.

The si-5 have a similar thing going on where they don't often call each other by their first names, so when they do, it gives those moments extra emotional significance.

Kepler calls Maxwell Alana in Ep39 when telling her not to get sentimental about Hera.

Maxwell first-names Jacobi twice in Ep42 (the Outside Jacobi Incident), once to tell him that if its a joke, it isn't funny and once to say a firm No to the idea of leaving Outside Jacobi to die.

When Maxwell is calling out for an answer from Outside Jacobi, our Jacobi says "Alana... I didn't go anywhere."

In Ep43, when Maxwell is about to lay into Jacobi for losing his cool over the Outside Jacobi Incident, she begins with "Daniel? Look at me." He eventually responds with "Alana, you're... You're absolutely right."

You could even argue that the classic introduction of 'This is the audio log of Communications Officer Doug Eiffel' draws attention to draws as a key motif.

[the-firebird69]

Reinforce the law here and we are seeking them on special warrant any and all of Corky's higher ups and from corporal upwards globally and we're putting a bounty on each one and everyone contracts and hits and it's an organized fashion we are selecting units for each group and we're telling anybody if they are on the run we issue a different type of APB it is not what you say bja you are a piece of crud and we're going after you for your conspiracy to commit homicide on the entire planet and we read it quite clearly you're going to go up there and take over and you're going to try and hit everybody here by sending stuff and we're going to nail you and you can say all you want it's a free country you can hang yourself we'll start killing you off now I'm just calling you away cuz we don't have time to explain to you what happens and we're going after cloning I'm taking over those bunker clusters nearby you won't be able to get in here

Thor Freya

You're obscene bja and we proved it you kept doing it to us and doing it to us and doing it to us a lot of people have your conspiracy plan we prove that you were the one with the master conspiracy to do it because you're all dumber than hell and no one accepts you and he said it too that something very different about this group here they're not nihilists they're not atheists they're not end of worlders there's something particular and they're cannibals a lot of people are I guess so we figured it out and it's all your fault bja because you're a selfish prick I'm releasing that to your people you piece of crap you plan to shoot your own wife and you're saying not in the head not in the head and you moved it down and up and then down and you fired because you squeezed when you move down and you're going to pay for it after because we're going to kill every single one of those what she said she can't stand any of you all the women are going to go to town shut you up cuz I can't mail their blend you run around exposing them like pieces of s*** you're a complete waste of time for yourself bja you are the biggest loser in history I've never seen anybody as dumb as you. We gave all your lieutenants and generals and all those idiots who ran the race a brand new bike for making it and we gave the runners up front who thought they were in peak performance the same thing they were intend and 8 mph then just barely made it and we're almost laughed by the others so we giving you the bikes and you started pissing and moaning we're not them we arrested you on the spot for knowing and saying just pretending with them it works it started admitting it

Hera Zues

Were pulling all your stuff BJ globally we're taking time of it everything we can find it's yours ripping up buildings pulling out tons of gold billion ripping out stashes and caches everywhere tons of people are going after you they see it happening and it's a run on the bank they say. He became so frustrated that he demanded we figure out what group is stopping him from getting things and you said it was them and they started looking into it and they start figuring it out too they said it was him and he asked him to figure it out and he had this big huge investigation going and he found you Adam 24/7 with this burying him in the yard thing that's where you're going to in westborough I'm going to bury you up there and you're never coming back that's your last day so don't go to westborough house bag everybody should beat you up there too it's your dust Doug you decide to tell you something Garth is not your friend you idiot it's kind of a friend of Christmas because he was nice to him help him get up on his feet and Jonathan has helped a lot of people a lot of his people are poor and Africa suffering in your occupying all our time we can't pay attention to helping them and yet all these fake charities he took tons of money that's owed to them what go to help him out and get that charity money because he's going to go help his and they'll stop bja as much as they can we need that in we need that Flint we need them to pay and we're talking about bja you guys are paying but he is completely nuts and he says are you sure it's not quoting and also the weird s*** and getting rid of all the other humans what he says is true so we're going to help black people fight them both off

Thor Freya

You're sitting there Jonathan bja threatening my husband with the disease that you put on them ages ago that bja has what's going to make you pay for it may have warts and you have a pretty bad even screwing all the women of the max now they have warts all over the place it's because of you you're contagious and you went ahead and did it and you knew about it cuz you're doing it on purpose to try and force them to heal it now they're going to go after you get rid of you and yours because you sit there holding it is your bum can you give it to him on Chris's foot one day and doesn't remember how we stepped on something and it felt kind of wet and it was one of your warts you ripped off and threw down on purpose because he wanted him to feel what it's like to have a wart so we're going to town on you because it meant war cross and all this cross stuff is you and that's how we know what it is is ton of code that says it tons of people found it

Hera Zues

[commsroom]

since wolf 359 is a show that puts so much emphasis on names / what people are called when / "first name moments", it puts hera in an interesting position that she only has a first name. you could maybe say the closest thing to a first name moment that she gets is in idle hands, when eiffel regains his mind, but the connotations are still a little different - it is an indicator of closeness / a significant relationship, but it isn't a shift in that relationship. i think part of the significance of first names - for anyone, when used sincerely - is the subtext of speaking to the person rather than the job they perform, but hera's name has additional stakes and significance for her when being called by her name is the baseline level of respect indicating who sees her as a person at all.

so, with that context, the other moment that interests me is the only time someone ever addresses her by rank: when minkowski calls her "officer" in let's kill hilbert. from minkowski in particular, that's also an acknowledgement of her personhood - evoking "she was a member of my crew." and i don't think this is just an honorary title bestowed by minkowski, either; in the most technical sense, i think hera probably does have a rank on the station. hera's programming restricts how she can address station officers. commonly, she addresses minkowski and lovelace as "commander" and "captain" when talking to them, and "commander minkowski" and "captain lovelace" when talking about them, while most other people she tends to refer to by both name and rank. she drops kepler and jacobi's titles after the mutiny.

but eiffel she calls (both when talking to him and about him) "eiffel" and "officer eiffel" interchangeably. (she never calls him just "officer.") in a practical sense, this helps communicate that her relationship with him is more casual - and in am i alone now? when she's talking 'to' him but not really to him, she calls him "doug", which has a whole other set of implications for how she thinks about him, when in that same monologue she still says "commander minkowski" and "doctor hilbert." - but… i think it's also pretty reasonable to assume that her rank is functionally the same as his, and that part of why she's more comfortable with him even early on is that he quite literally does not have the same authority over her that everyone else does.

[gemsofthegalaxy]

I just finished my second listen to Minkowski Commanding and, as expected, it’s another one of my favourite episodes (I’m thinking season 2 is just gonna end up being my favourite season overall at this point but we’ll see) 

I adore the focus on my lovely badass space wife, of course, and what everything means for her character. And for Doug to have to be responsible while she’s currently hellbent on just finally accomplishing one damn thing? I live for it. 

One thing that I noticed during the middle of the episode, Doug says “It’s weird to be on this side of things” and I thought that he meant him being serious and trying to talk her out of a crazy plan, but shortly thereafter Hera calls the conversation an “intervention” so I think it may also double to mean that he does know what it’s like to be on the receiving end of an intervention

Which, I enjoy that even though she’s not willing or ready to give up her plans to find the plant monster, Doug offers her unconditional support and care even while trying to dissuade her from carrying out her plans. Obviously what she’s dealing with isn’t addiction, but he’s dealt with addiction and probably some amount of therapy in general and one of the leading theories of psychological treatment is having a basis of unconditional support and care within an interpersonal relationship. So, I’m glad that he very explicitly offers that to her. Just another of the many, MANY moments I’ve been chronicling recently that shows when it comes down to it Doug Eiffel really cares about Renee Minkowski, thinks highly of her, and has her best interests in mind. 

[nobodysdaydreams]

If Pryce and Cutter hate the youths so much, then why don't they move across the universe to get the marriage counseling they clearly need and stop making their BS everyone else's problem?

(Or my reaction to Episodes 59-60 of Wolf359).

I said I would have self control. I said I wouldn’t listen to or react to anymore Wolf359 this whole weekend. But guess what dear readers? As usual, I lied, to you and myself. Sadly, I am weak. Now, with my confession out of the way, let’s get into it!

Tagging the mutuals who got me invested in this, and if you want to be tagged or untagged from these posts, lmk, or you can follow my blog or simply follow the tag "#bods wolf359 reactions". Anyone who has followed me for a while knows my updates are inconsistent, so I apologize in advance for that and for any spelling/grammar mistakes in my posts.

@sophieswundergarten @oflightningandstars @acollectionofcuriousreblogs @herawell @commsroom @lovelyladylavie

Episode 59: Crash and Burn

"Oh how fun. Come on kids, scream if you want to go faster." It's trippy that when I hear Pryce talk for a moment I'm like "Hera?" and then I realize. Also she and Cutter really do act like criticizing and mean disappointed parents.

"But just a small fire, and look it's out now!" good point Doug.

"This time you finally killed us" Congrats Doug!

"It's a fire on a spaceship, you shouldn't need explicit instruction to know it's a bad idea" "You don't know the first thing about commanding Douglas F. Eiffel" LET HIM KNOW DOUG!

"Cyborg De Vil" Eiffel really does have the best nicknames.

"I'm just a poor little old lady" Oh, I've met old ladies like you Pryce. Terribly entertaining, but awful all the same. Hated their own children too. At this point, I'm just waiting for your sad little backstory.

"Nobody says "thank you" anymore. Kids these days..." Pryce, maybe when you do something worthy of thanks, then you will be thanked.

"If it seems like I'm wrong, you don't have all the data" Well geez, I hope that pride doesn't kill you.

"Why are you asking us to read the values for you?" OH GET HER MINKOWSKI.

Okay, Pryce, in fairness to Doug, I think we've well established that most characters in this show are "metaphorically blind" in one way or another.

"Blinded by my own survival manual" it's fitting to be honest. The next edition? No, we don't need another edition Miranda.

"Well this should be easy!" Doug...Doug when is it ever easy?

Well gang, it looks like the gang's not getting out of this one this time. I will miss you all. Minkowski and Doug most of all. Kepler and Pryce less so.

Calling Pryce's husband is unfortunately the only plan. Let's see how he feels about wifey being in danger. This is either gonna go one of...potentially a few ways, and I'm very interested to see his reaction.

Will he leave her to die in space? Will he feel bad about that? Will he give up an advantage for her?

Wait. Is this Hera? Oh it's Marcus and Hera. I love the juxtaposition between Doug and Pryce and Marcus and Hera. I guess they both have a common interest. Nothing brings people together quite like it.

Oh gross Rachel's here too.

Skin alive whoever designed the flight's pod system? But this is so arbitrary...if all their enemies had been the ones to get blasted off, Cutter would give the man a promotion. For a guy who only promotes "the best" a lot of this is really just luck.

Wait. GUESTS???

Oh they got Lovelace and Jacobi. Oh dear. At least they can't kill or control Lovelace.

"I can't do much without her" I see. So she is the brain's behind Cutter's little happy murder business operation.

"Part of my signature look" Jacobi's sarcasm is growing on me the more he uses it against the right people.

"Pretty please with sugar on top" OH SO CUTTER DID HEAR JACOBI SAY THAT AND THREATEN TO SHOOT KEPLER. I think those were the exactly words he used too.

And speaking of that episode, we're back to singing about beer! 🍻Jacobi really is (formerly)evil Doug. 😂 They even sing the same song.

Is Pryce threatening to...EAT Doug? Well this is creepy.

Pryce, shut it. If you're so much of a grownup, stop acting like a pouty child.

Geez all Pryce knows how to do is complain. I guess Cutter is into that. For some weird reason. "Do I have to do everything around here." All you do is make trouble.

"You can't afford to take a chance on this" CALL HIM OUT JACOBI! I love his arc, I love his arc so much, it took way too long, but I'm so happy he's gotten here.

Oh dear. Is Jacobi in the right headspace for this? "Prettiest pumpkin princess at the ball?" Well good for Jacobi. Also very similar to the line Pryce gave to Hera. It's scary how much they sound and speak alike.

That is true. It might need to be a self-sacrifice mission. If Jacobi misses, Cutter kills him, and Eiffel and Minkowski don't survive. It's a tough situation, especially because we're not even sure how many lives are at stake here. But Jacobi, the whole point of self-sacrifice is that the people making the sacrifice agree to it, or there's literally no other way.

Yeah, Doug, Pryce is not gonna be reassuring. That's not in her generation's vocabulary.

Uh oh. Jacobi, I hope you know what you're doing.

Oh dear. Marcus seems testy.

And how much longer do we have with Rachel and Reimann? (Yes, I was corrected on the spelling).

"Just get it right this time Marcus" wow she is demanding.

Ah...there it is.

...or not...

...Jacobi?

...DUCK BOY?

Well they got them. But what happens now?

Oh great Marcus' slow clapping. And let me guess, he kills him anyway?

Business to catch up on? Pryce doesn't sound too happy.

And yeah Minkowski, hold her at gunpoint! (Though in my experience, people like her don't fear death, rather they complain it's not coming fast enough), but whatever gives you the upper hand.

Episode 60: Terms and Conditions

What's with the beeping?

"You are alright?" Strange that Rachel asks that. I guess she'd be the one to notice he's quiet.

Ah. The sunset. Very fitting.

Westerns. Cutter probably saw some of them down at the old timey picture show when he was a wee lad.

Yes, yes, "the bigger picture". But what if there is a bigger picture to even your story, Cutter? One that you're not in control over?

Cutter knows what's about to happen. He knows it's time to choose. Work wifey or scary evil plan? What's it gonna be old man?

"Who is it?" 😂 I love Doug. I love him so much.

"We could have a cup of tea" oh gosh Cutter really is every old person stereotype.

"Reflect on the working conditions. Are you fostering a supportive company culture? One that values the contributions of its employees?" Doug is the best. Doug is the best.

"If you ever want to see your worst half ever again" 👏 Tell him. TELL HIM.

So now Cutter has to a choice. He can go Legend of Korra and kick Pryce to the curb, or he can drop his tragic backstory and try to come to an understanding.

"Can you guarantee the safe recover of Dr. Pryce?" "96%" Hm. Cutter doesn't seem happy with those numbers.

Special Projects? "Similar to you while still not you. You will see what you miss and say what you don't want to" interesting. So that's why Cutter keeps Rachel around.

"How possible would it be to complete the mission without Dr. Pryce?"

DANNGGGGGGG... Rachel asking the real questions.

"I don't know what your partnership with Dr. Pryce means" Interesting...so Cutter kept that even closer to his chest.

"Before I decide, I want the information" Cutter is unraveling.

See this is why you shouldn't talk when Cutter can hear them.

"Handle this personally?" Did he just crack his knuckles? Is he going to try to fight them? 😂

Neat idea? Is Cutter gonna make his own radio show?

Kepler and Lovelace are speaking for them? This is weird. And unnecessary unless some other mischief is a foot.

CUTTER IS MAKING HER DO THE "MM-HM" 😂😂😂

Kepler reading out Eiffel's words too 😂

Cutter's promises are stupid. And taking the collar off Hera doesn't mean that Pryce can't do something else terrible.

"Those are big promises" That's basic human decency.

"That's one thing. I'm giving you three. What else?"

Kepler and Pryce are two people. I love how it clearly shows Cutter views Kepler, who he's having Lovelace talk to, a disposable.

"You wouldn't lift a finger to help anyone if you didn't need them for something." CALL HIM OUT. CALL HIM OUT. 👏👏👏

"With all due respect to you Warren, that Dr. Pryce's return is worth two of your demands" wow, Cutter just went there didn't he?

"We won't annoy you" "I'm not sure you can promise that" "First off this is...this is your boy, Douggie Fresh at the mic" 😂 I knew it was Doug when he said the "won't annoy you" thing, but having him use Kepler like this is amazing. "Gumming up the works" I love Eiffel. I love his whole speech.

Is Cutter making her slow clap? Cutter and Eiffel really are a theatrical duo.

Reject your terms? Taking advantage of you guys? You should be asking for way more. That's very true. They should ask for way more. They really should. But um...what is Cutter doing???

Ugh. It's like Cutter is still trying to teach them a lesson. Like an evil twisted mentorship figure.

I have a bad feeling about it too.

"You two crazy kids still there?" Shut up Cutter (no offense Isabel).

Cutter is gonna destroy the sol when it leaves. He has a plan to do so.

"No catch" THERE IS ALWAYS A CATCH.

"Talk to us baby" Aw, I'm so happy Hera loves it. 💕🥰

"Tell us who you are and what you're doing up here?"

YES! THE TRUTH AT LAST.

Ah, Doug has figured it out. Cutter is just ecstatic.

"Super old, look like you're 28, no need to sleep or eat, know everything, obsessed with aliens..." Oh Doug thinks they are aliens.

Not a bad theory Doug, but I feel like you're not correct.

I feel like they're about to say something like "no silly Doug. We're not aliens. Don't be an idiot. That would be over the top and ridiculous. We're obviously cyborgs from the past and future who have travels here to enslave all of humanity and rewrite the course of human history. Which is SO much more reasonable."

Also given that Lovelace WAS an alien, it's not that crazy of a guess. They're being a little unfairly mean to him right now.

Modified???? Wait, no, no deal, what does modified mean? Explain that first please, explain it now.

Send Kepler first. Cutter doesn't care about him.

"You want to stay with us" "No Boy" oh dear. Looks like they're in the middle of a little marriage spat. "You'll never be rid of me 214" I knew it, Pryce has a thing for keeping Hera under control.

Yeah, what did Jacobi do? Hopefully that alien blood works quick.

OH WHAT IS THE TEA THE BOOMERS ARE FIGHTINGGGGG!!!!

"Better to be lucky than good" something tells me you won't be for long, Miranda.

Rachel is going with them? Um. It doesn't sound like either of them like that. "Fill you in on the details" that's obviously code for something. I don't like how fast Rachel agreed to that.

Oh dear. Trouble in paradise it would seem. Worried about wifey, Marcus? "Be quiet. I was worried." "For me?" "I was." "You're not immortal" "yet" "of course, I was worried for you."

"Your only task is to back my play" wow. They really ARE a toxic married couple from the early 1900s. I guess Cutter couldn't stand the thought of losing his precious cold detached mean evil science early 1900's house/work wife.

"Friends?" "Partners." Hm.

This relationship fascinates me. Miranda shows him hardly any respect or gratitude. Yet Cutter seems to care about her in a...weirdly toxic way. Though I do wonder if Miranda feels the same.

Very true something has to be wrong here. Cutter wouldn't let them leave unless...

Wait. Unless it was irrelevant to his plans. Unless them getting back to Earth didn't matter.

"That's not why you're not gonna leave" ...um Rachel. What are you talking about? Please fill us in on the plan.

Oh Kepler's here too.

THE END OF THE WORLD?????

Wait...oh my gosh...

So...there will be no Earth to return to? And all the people on it?

ARE PRYCE AND CUTTER TRYING TO MAKE A DEAL WITH THE ALIENS???

Well I did say in a private discord chat that it was odd that they mentioned Minkowski’s husband and Doug’s daughter only to never bring up threatening their lives again. I guess they really saved that one in their back pockets for the grand finale.

Kepler, how much longer are you going to go along with this? If they destroy the Earth, everything on it goes too, including your beloved Whiskey.

Rachel, idk how much longer you think Cutter is gonna keep you around, but he clearly only cares about his evil science arm candy, and that's not you or Reimann. He'll toss you both under the bus when he's done.

Cutter, wifey seems a bit unstable, and Pryce, your man seems to not be valuing you as an equal, and as much as I dislike you, I'm still not cool with that on principle. Perhaps the two of you ought to see to some marriage counseling, somewhere...oh I don't know...far far far far far away on the other side of the universe? Where you two can finally stop having to deal with those pesky youths you claim to hate so much?

Well at least the thing about Cutter naming the AI and putting on a charming appearance and Pryce hating it and acting so cold towards them makes so much sense now. Cutter wants to play house. House where he casts himself in the role of a toxic, stereotypical, controlling, abusive, and terrible father, with a flimsy "I care so deeply" facade and horrible taste in women, but house all the same. I guess it makes sense given when he was born. Pryce views the AI and their employees as things, Cutter views them as their children or rather their "creations" but at the end of the day, their views amount to the same thing: tools from which they demand unquestioning obedience that they can cast aside if and when they chose to do so. Absolutely disgusting.

Wait. 2 hours?

THE LAST EPISODE IS TWO FULL HOURS.

And Volte Face is one hour. But then...when will I have the time to...

oh boy. Stay tuned everyone. Hopefully I'll get my answers soon. Thanks for reading!

[redwineandroses-13]

If We Were Back on Earth

Fanfic written for @wolf359bigbang2017 Corresponding artwork Artist: @defenestratin​ Characters: Doug Eiffel/Isabel Lovelace/Renée Minkowski, Hera Rating: Mature Summary: In the crushing loneliness of space, this fragile thing that’s developed between the three of them has become a source of desperately-needed comfort—but also of anxiety, particularly for Doug. What happens to their loving little trio if they do make it back to Earth? When Doug stops being one of the only warm bodies available to these gorgeous, badass women he’s fallen more than a little in love with and all of a sudden they have options (and in one case, a husband) again? Lovelace and Minkowski, meanwhile, are more than a little afraid that they might not make it back to Earth at all. Hera hears their concerns, and she consoles them in the best way she knows how: by telling them a story.

The happy ending I like to imagine they’ll get. :)

It started with an innocuous comment— actually, a rather sexy comment. A comment Eiffel very much enjoyed hearing in the moment. Which makes the whole thing worse, really.

It happened during one of their talks, the ones they have so casually now, over mugs of nighttime tea or bowls of morning cereal. Conversations about this insanely glorious, mind-boggling, if-only-teenage-Doug-could-see-him-now kinky three-way relationship they’ve had going for a few months now, ever since Minkowski and Lovelace caught him jerking off at his station and punished him for it—only to find that they enjoyed punishing Eiffel just as much as he enjoyed being punished.

They’re talking through the logistics of a scene when it happens.

“Now, if we were back on Earth, Eiffel, I’d buy a nice dildo just for you and peg you with it,” Lovelace says, as cool and casual as anything, which is how she delivers a lot of her sexier propositions. It drives Eiffel crazy. “But I don’t know that there’s anything up here that would be good for that.”

“I don’t know,” Minkowski says. “There are some truly bizarre things on this ship.“

But Doug doesn’t hear much of the ensuing conversation (which centers mainly on whether or not anything onboard could be safely used for anal penetration) because he’s hung up on the one unsexy part of what Lovelace said.

“If we were back on Earth.”

That’s the phrase that gets stuck in Eiffel’s craw, that keeps coming back to him in quiet, vulnerable moments, like when he’s alone in the shower or halfway between sleep and consciousness. If we were back on Earth.

Because here’s the thing. No matter how Doug figures it—and he figures it a lot of ways, like solving a math problem by hand, in Excel, and on two different calculators, trying to get a different answer to a problem that only has one—this thing they’re doing? This threesome, triad, polyamorous arrangement, whatever they wanted to call it? It would never work back on Earth. Could never work back on Earth. He tries to imagine himself out on a date with Lovelace, her gorgeous and confident, him lanky and awkward and overcompensating with corny jokes. The stares they would get. The laughter, stifled under hands to be polite, but audible nevertheless. He doesn’t belong with her , these strangers would think. She can do so much better .

And Minkowski—Doug’s breath catches in his throat when he thinks about Minkowski and Earth. She has a husband. And while Doug doesn’t know much about their relationship—after Lovelace first defused the other woman’s protest that she was married with a sultry married ain’t dead, is it?, none of them had mentioned him again—there’s nothing to suggest that Minkowski wouldn’t go back to him when she returned to Earth. That she wouldn’t want to return to her healthy, monogamous marriage, leaving Lovelace and Eiffel—where?

Lovelace could find someone else, of course, easily. Someone as beautiful and badass as she was, her fitting counterpart, someone who in conjunction with her would evoke the phrase “power couple.”

And Doug would be all alone, with nothing but the memory of a few months on a spaceship when the two smartest, most fantastic women he’d ever met had been desperate and lonely enough to take him to bed. He could just picture himself, alone in a cramped and cluttered apartment somewhere, jerking off to the memories for the thousandth time. Miserable. Lonely. Untouched. And most of all, unloved.

It’s enough to make Eiffel collapse inside.

One night he’s in the middle of just such a collapse: he’s in the comms room, ostensibly on rotation, actually staring blankly at the controls, soul-crushing visions of if we were back on Earth dancing in his head like the world’s most vicious sugarplums and rocketing his mood into a downward spiral.

The thing about an all-seeing AI, though, is the all-seeing part.

“Officer Eiffel? Are you okay?”

Doug blinks a few times, rapidly, then rubs his eyes with the insides of his wrists.

“What? Yeah. I’m fine, Hera.”

“You don’t seem fine.”

“It’s nothing. Really.”

“Are you sure? Because you’ve seemed a little…off lately.”

Doug sits up, shakes the hair out of his eyes, and tries to feign alertness. “Off? I’m not off. I’m just as bright-eyed and bushy-tailed as ever. Might as well call me Alvin or Rocky or something.”

“Eiffel.”

“Okay, okay, I will admit that I’ve been going through some stuff lately. Promise you’ll keep it a secret?”

“If I had hands, I’d pinky swear.”

“Okay, so…”

And he tells her the whole thing from start to finish. Lovelace’s offhand comment. How he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about it. The ways it had manifested itself, over and over again, in the darkest parts of his imagination.

Hera’s an excellent listener, and by the time Doug’s finished, he’s on the edge of tears, the beginnings of a good old-fashioned cry forming at the corners of his eyes.

“Have you told Lovelace or Minkowski any of this?” Hera asks when he finishes.

Doug snorts. “Yeah, right. I’m just going to draw attention to the fact that I don’t deserve them and remind them exactly how out of my league they both are. That definitely won’t backfire or make them reconsider this entire situation or anything.”

“I don’t think it will,” Hera says. “Eiffel, I think…I think I have an idea. Something that might help. But it’ll be better if Lovelace and Minkowski are both here.”

“What kind of idea?”

“Just…trust me on this one, okay? I’ll ask them to come up here, and you can tell them how you’re feeling, and I’ll take it from there.”

Doug considers it. He’d rather swallow shards of glass than admit to either woman how insecure he’s feeling about their relationship. Just thinking about it feels like swallowing glass: a sharp pain stabs at the back of his throat, and the tears in the corners of his eyes threaten to spill over.

Still, he trusts Hera. Trusts her more than anyone besides maybe Lovelace and Minkowski. And this thing, this fear that’s built up inside him and keeps getting bigger, feels like it’s eating him alive.

“Okay,” he says finally, the word half-stuck in his throat. He swallows, breathes, and tries again.

“Okay.”

Minutes later, Lovelace and Minkowski enter the comms room, the former looking confused and the latter concerned. All Hera had told them was that it wasn’t an emergency, but that Eiffel needed them.

“Sweetheart, what’s wrong?” Lovelace says, and Eiffel breaks. The dam of stubbornness and willpower that’s been holding back his tears bursts and suddenly he’s sobbing into Lovelace’s arms, Minkowski’s hand running comfortingly up and down his back.

“Shhhhh,” he hears the commander say. “It’s all right, Doug. It’s all right.”

When he’s recovered well enough to speak—Minkowski insists on getting him tissues, and Lovelace ties his hair back for him so he doesn’t have to keep brushing it out of his face—he tries to explain as best he can.

“I’m sorry, I know you both have work to do—”

“Never mind about that,” Minkowski says. “We want to know what’s happening with you, Doug.”

“Well, um. Shit.” He looks down at his feet. “It’s hard to explain.”

“You and I were talking,” Hera says, prompting him.

“Right. We were talking, and I was telling her…that I’m afraid.”

“Afraid of what?” Minkowski asks.

“Afraid of an if ? Which is completely stupid, especially when I say it out loud, it’s just…” Doug takes a deep breath. “A couple weeks ago Lovelace said if we were back on Earth. ”

“Then I’d be fucking you senseless with a strap-on,” Lovelace says. “I remember.”

Doug can’t suppress the hint of a shiver that runs down his spine when she says this. “Right. But I just got to thinking…if we really were back on Earth…we wouldn’t have this at all.”

“What do you mean?” Minkowski says.

“It’s just…I mean, the two of you are only with me because you don’t have any other options. Besides each other, of course, and honestly sometimes I’m not sure why you don’t just stick with that and leave me out of it—but my point is, we’re only doing this…thing we’re doing because we’re trapped in space together. If we were back on Earth? Neither of you would choose me.” Doug breathes deeply, trying to keep tears from welling up again.

“Oh, Eiffel,” Minkowski says, and she wraps him in what might be the tightest hug he’s ever experienced. “That’s not true. Of course it isn’t.”

“I don’t know, Minkowski,” Lovelace says slowly, her expression uneasy. “I know I’d choose Eiffel on Earth in a heartbeat, but…you have a husband. The three of us would never have happened if he were in the equation.”

Minkowski tenses but doesn’t let go of Doug.

“I mean, that’s true, isn’t it?” Lovelace says. “You’ll go back to your husband. When we get back. If we get back.”

Minkowski shifts so that she’s still got her arms around Eiffel, but only loosely so. “I honestly don’t know,” she says. “I haven’t really thought about it. I’ve just been so worried that we’ll never get back at all…I’m not even sure he’d want me.” Her voice goes thin on the last sentence, threatening to crack. “He still thinks I’m dead. I don't…I don’t know what he’d do if I turned up suddenly.”

As far as Eiffel can tell, all this conversation has done is make everyone in the room feel worse. So he reaches for his lifeline.

“Hera? You said you had an idea to make this all better?”

“Yes,” Hera says, sounding less sure of herself now than she had in her initial conversation with Doug. “I thought I could…tell you a story. Of life back on Earth.”

“A story?” Doug says. That was her brilliant plan? Admittedly, Hera’s a hell of a storyteller when she wants to be—many nights spent masturbating to her cleverly improvised erotica could testify to that—but Doug isn’t sure a good wank is going alleviate any of the woe from the can of worms they’ve just opened.

“Yes, Officer Eiffel. A story. Everyone sit down, if you please.”

“What is this, kindergarten?” Lovelace grumbles, but she sits cross-legged on the floor nevertheless. Doug and Minkowski join her, and soon both women have Doug cuddled up between them, his head on Lovelace’s shoulder, her arm around his waist, one of Minkowski’s arms wrapped around his shoulders, and her other hand resting on his knee. He feels warm, and safe, and cared for, and the sharpness in the back of his throat begins to dull.

“If you were back on Earth,” Hera begins. “Lovelace would buy that dildo.”

“Hell yeah I would,” Lovelace says.

“Hey, no interrupting.”

“Sorry. Just excited.”

“Lovelace would buy that dildo,” Hera continues, “and she’d keep it in a locked chest in the back of her closet, along with all the rest of her toys. Vibrators, and handcuffs, and ropes and paddles and whips and chains. Costumes, too—a catsuit, a headmistress’ uniform, corsets and thigh-highs and heels. Everything Lovelace had in her dominatrix days, and everything she dreamed of having but couldn’t afford or didn’t have the space for. But now, now she’s working with three incomes plus the payout from a successful class-action lawsuit against Goddard Futuristics. She can afford a few indulgences.

"A lot of indulgences, actually. See, since Lovelace and her crewmates got back to Earth, they’d kept fighting, had organized Goddard employees past and present, gathered evidence, shared their testimony. And when it was all over, they had an eight-figure number to their name, but more importantly, they had the knowledge that the people who’d hurt them and their crewmates would never hurt anyone else ever again.”

Doug isn’t sure what he’d expected this story to be, but this is definitely not it. Still, he feels his muscles start to relax, his shoulders dropping down and the tension in his face, which he hadn’t even noticed until it was gone, releasing.

“And with that money, Lovelace decided to treat herself. Lord knows she deserved it after everything she’d gone through. But more importantly, she decided to treat her partners. Because after everything they’d been through, she couldn’t imagine a happy ending that didn’t involve the three of them together. And neither could they.”

Doug feels Lovelace sigh against him.

“And so they bought a house together in Southern California. A place where the weather was beautiful and they never had to worry about being cold. A place where they could make trips to the beach whenever they liked, but where they weren’t permanently tracking sand into the house, much to Minkowski’s relief. A place where they could hear the sound of traffic, never so loudly that it interrupted their sleep, but just enough to remind them that there were other people nearby, would always be other people nearby.

"And it’s a smart house, too, very environmentally friendly. But more importantly, equipped to accommodate a state-of-the-art AI program, originally designed for a deep-space mission, but more than up to the task of managing a single-family home.”

Doug smiles. “I think I know just the right girl for the job.”

“They fill the house with things they want but don’t need. Really nice china plates for Minkowski, which sit untouched in their custom-made cabinet, but which make her smile whenever she looks at them, and a vintage record player and stacks of Broadway soundtracks on vinyl. For Lovelace, a home gym full of shiny, fancy equipment, and a motorcycle, and of course, her trunk full of toys. And for Eiffel, a home theatre, with Blu-Rays of every movie he’s ever loved, and an arcade-style Pac-Man machine.”

“Awesome!” Doug interrupts, and Minkowski shushes him.

“They drink coffee together, real coffee from Colombia that Minkowski grinds herself every morning. Some nights they stay in, order pizza and catch up on all the Netflix they’ve missed, with queues carefully curated by Eiffel. Other nights they dress up, go out to dinner at fancy restaurants where Eiffel comically mispronounces the names of dishes to cover up the fact that he legitimately doesn’t know how to say them, and they order the most expensive items on the menu just because they can, and they play footsie under the table and don’t care who sees.

"One night they go dancing. There’s a swing dancing club nearby, and Minkowski insists on taking them, even though Lovelace has never done swing dancing in her life and Doug has and knows exactly how much of a disaster he’ll be on the dance floor. Minkowski doesn’t care, though, and the two of them want to make her happy, so they let her teach them each in turn, clumsy steps slowly turning into graceful ones, even for Eiffel, until they give up on partnering off and begin twirling and swaying in a messy, giggly threesome, making up the steps as they go along, stealing kisses until, by the time they make it back to the house, they’re ready for something much more satisfying than kissing.”

“Mm, can I get some more details on that?” Lovelace says.

“The bed in the house is massive, a California king that’s almost the size of the entire bedroom in Eiffel’s first apartment. It’s only because of how spacious the master is that the room isn’t swallowed by it. It’s a little extravagant, maybe, but it’s got enough room for three people to sleep comfortably—and have sex comfortably. A lot of times, for scenes, they’ll use other rooms of the house—the basement, over time, becomes more dungeon than anything else, and the kitchen surfaces have all seen their fair share of… unconventional use.

"But on nights like the night they go dancing, they take going to bed together literally and tumble onto the mattress, a sweaty mess of limbs and passion, mouths finding necks, hands dipping below waistbands. Yes, they have every sex toy any of them’s ever imagined having, but for all the hours of fun they have testing them out, nothing can turn them on like each other, like the feeling of skin on skin and the simple truth of the three of them together, present, safe, with all the time in the world to dedicate to drawing out moans and gasps and orgasms.

"There are no disasters to manage, now. No mind games to play, no ominous mysteries to uncover. There’s just a house, and three people, and one AI. So even when the nightmares come—and they come—and even when they must navigate difficult reunions with people on Earth—and they must—and even when it all seems like too much—and it does—there is always a safe haven to come back to, a place where there is love and support and understanding. Where there is always at least one someone to wipe away tears, to rub tired shoulders, to hold onto silently until the hurt goes away or to listen patiently until every frustrated word has been spoken.

"There is no such thing as a world without hurt. There is no such thing as paradise. But in a house by the beach, where they can always hear the sound of traffic, three imperfect people with imperfect pasts and imperfect futures do their best to build something like it. And at times, like when they sit out in the yard together, watching the sun set in brilliant pinks and purples over the horizon, each one holding the other two’s hands, they come so close to paradise that they may as well have reached it.”

Hera finishes her story, and there is silence for a long moment, the four of them letting the final words of her tale linger in the air for as long as they’ll last. Then, finally, Lovelace speaks.

“Hera, I think that’s the best story you’ve ever told me.”

“Me too,” Minkowski agrees.

“Me three,” says Doug.

“Thank you,” says Hera. “I do my best.”

“I don’t know about you guys, but…I’d like for that to happen. Just like Hera said,” says Minkowski. “The house, the dancing…all of it.”

“I make no promises about the dancing,” Doug says. “Hera wasn’t kidding, we did swing dancing in seventh grade and my partner and I both ended up on the floor. Twice. No joke. But the rest of it…yeah. That sounds pretty perfect.”

“What do you say we get a head start on that whole ‘lots of really excellent sex’ part?” Lovelace says, her mouth twisted into half a smirk.

“Aye, aye, sir,” Doug replies, and he scrambles to his feet to race eagerly toward their quarters. The pain in his throat has completely vanished.

[ravencromwell]

Thoughts on the Wolf 359 Season 1 Finale

All you folks who followed me in hopes of Wolf 359 meta and who're probably wondering if I've forgotten y'all: fear not. I liked doing ep recaps, and y'all seemed to enjoy perusing my musings, so have my thoughts on the S1 finale, Deep Breaths and Gas Me Twice.

If the other eps won me over on a narrative and structural level, this one's greatest strength is its message. The narrative and structure are fucking fabulous, don't get me wrong, and I'll ramble about them to embarrassing length momentarily, but I finally know what the beating heart of this show is. There were a lot of contenders up to this point: would it be humans vs. aliens? or humans vs. the inhospitable environs of space? or even humans vs. humans? But no: if this episode is anything to go by, it's humans vs. their worst selves, with a splash of humans vs. other humans. And to facilitate this sort of plot successfully, there has to be tremendous emphasis placed on what makes one human n: the creators have to have a fundamental understanding of the quality they think is uppermost in defining "humanity" from other animals, so they can set up folks grappling with and succeeding at achieving whatever it may be.

And the ringing shout at the core of this episode and I hope the core of this podcast is empathy. Not some sort of in-born empathy, but the choice over and over to walk in other people's shoes and to let that define our choices. Hera and Hilbert are set up as brilliant foils: and Hilbert, despite being blessed with all the intelligence that is supposed to make him human, being hampered by none of Hera's limitations--that we're aware of anyway--chooses again and again to remain tied to a code of conduct and a mission no one forces him to maintain, while she always chooses to reach out and help. And it's that choice that saves them all.

[spoilers beneath the cut]

But let's back up a bit, and ponder Doug for a sec before we dive into the darkness that's the last half of this finale. We're starting to see so many of Doug's flaws now, as well as his strengths. I'd say that one of the greatest flaws is that only in adversity do we see that strength. When left to his own devices, he crafts nonsense--if utterly hilarious--hijinks, like attempting to smoke a damn cigarette with an oxygen mask so as not to explode the ship. (Doug, seriously honey, just don't smoke 'till you're home! It's not like they didn't warn you there would be a limit to the luxuries you're accustomed to when you're in the middle of deep space ffs) He more and more strikes me as one of those really smart people who desperately needs external motivation, a really strong support network that can gently redirect his potential, to achieve things. But I'm also starting to wonder if he knows and doesn't much like this about himself. After all, he's the guy who no one remembers the birthday of. Admittedly, it is on Christmas, which does give folks some excuse, but it paints a portrait of someone always kinda buzzing around the fringes of circles, maybe irritating folks a bit, but never really getting close enough to matter enough to be remembered. He's really surprisingly touched when Hera remembers, like all the griping at the beginning of the episode was entirely genuine, if melodramatic in typical brilliant Doug style.

The way Doug uses humor as a defense mechanism is also really coming into focus in these one. The "Gas me once, shame on you. Gas me twice...well, still shame on you. But I'm not fooled" line springs immediately to mind. This's a man they've spent over five hundred days with, who's just utterly betrayed them, and his default response is dry as bone snarck. It forces you to examine some of his melodrama from things like Little Revolución. Was he actually more hurt that Minkowski and Hilbert made such a good team? That every time he thought he and Minkowski might be united in some small thing, she and Hilbert showed that they too were united and he was on the outside? And no wonder he feels such an affinity for Hera: also the outsider, sniped at by Minkowski and dismissed by Hilbert. He treats her the way he wants to be treated: which isn't entirely the correct way to treat her because she is right. There is a chasm between them, and it needs to be acknowledged. But it's a better way than Minkowski or Hilbert, and it calls to something in her, as we see here.

I know from the last couple points, it may seem like I don't like Doug. Which couldn't be further from the truth! I like him a lot, as much because of the flaws we're seeing revealed as anything else. Because if he can transcend those flaws, he has the potential to become something extraordinary. For all his silliness and insecurity, he brims with empathy and I adore him for it. The way he flirts! actually omg flirts with Hera, uses humor to reach out and bridge that chasm, to say see I see you; I believe in you. is one of the most powerful moments in the episodes. And when he tells her that she's smarter and stronger than Hilbert could ever believe: I wonder how much that's him telling her what he wishes someone had told him? This is a man after all who wanted to go on a deeply dangerous mission for years on end that's light-years away from Earth; still waters run deep.

Hilbert simultaneously infuriates and intrigues me. We get that marvelous soliloquy about the fear of being alone and what it signifies about the great unknown in ep 11. We have such intelligence! in this ep--like I was really on the verge of liking him merely because he was so damn quick and clever at figuring out that there was no way the music could be coming from Earth. And there was an odd gentleness in Extreme Danger Bug, when he was telling Doug to be still and that he would be right back. He wasn't just calm, which I might have expected on the theory that remaining calm keeps your patient calm; he was actively gentle Ok admittedly, his admission that he *thought* the antivenom would work was shitty bedside manner. But there was something that prompted him to be kind in that moment. So he can be oddly poetic, he's intelligent as hell, and he clearly has the ability to feel empathy. And yet, he actively chooses to betray these people he's been with for nearly two years! with no outside prompting! And yet. And yet there's something almost regretful when he says that Hera is gone--despite that he was the one that ripped her to shreds (I wanted to reach through the screen and throttle the bastard for that). He doesn't monologue at them after he takes over; he's immediately all business. There's no triumph in this coup, no personal vendetta being fulfilled. It's almost like it's a logical step, a necessary part of a formula or equation or something. And there's something almost...quietly wry in his question to Minkowski about whether it would change anything. Like he's almost regretful or tired. This's why I keep snagging on the idea that it's humans against their better selves that's part of what this show wants to explore. Because he knows what he's doing is wrong! and it's going to be fascinating to see if there're ever any mitigating circumstances or if he ever comes to regret his choices.

Going back to monologuing for a minute, I love how this show subverts tropes left and right. It's not the villain who foolishly monologues and gives away their advantage, but the hero. I was screaming at the monitor for a minute straight begging Doug to pls pls for the love of God shut up you're talking to a really brilliant scientist wtf are you doing! And his arrogance, or generously overconfidence, had horrific consequences. And yet, in another thing that made me utterly adore him, there was no great swearing of revenge, no shouting that it was unfair. Just a deep, exhausted realization that he'd fucked up, that they'd lost so much and their world was irreversibly altered.

The way show is utterly fearless in playing with your expectations still takes my breath away. The way it opens with Minkowski being so happy about preparing Christmas dinner--about trying to bring this mismatched crew together in something, stubborn and fiercely determined even when she has to know it won't go well. It makes you think that the first part of the episode will end happily. That they'll all be sitting around, eating dinner, bonded into something like a family by the extraordinary thing they've just done together--discovering first life outside of Earth is a hell of a present after all. You expect there to be governmental complications, of course, but you expect the core team to be all right. The way that rug is utterly jerked from beneath you, and the tension never really abates is masterful. Always before, our crew's been battered at the end of eps, exhausted or angry, but Doug's always found some humorous closing, even if it were melodramatic as hell. There's no humor at the end of this, just uncertainty about their next moves and about Hera, just two people clinging together. And that gradual tonal shift Gabriel's been enacting all season is finally complete. We've shifted into another gear, and he's weaned us a little more off what the show originally was and prepared us for what I'm hoping it'll become.

And in the vein of plot: the Hilbert reveal was Barr none, the most masterful reveal of its kind I've ever seen. There's always this niggling question with most reveals: but how could they not have noticed? But we get that answered, over and over. They do *notice* They notice that the physicals are out of the ordinary; Doug even suspects that Hilbert's doing something to him with the cigarette candy! But even the audience is convinced that Doug is an unreliable narrator there, that Hilbert is fundamentally a good person if a shitty doctor. And he keeps saying that he's not a doctor, but a scientist. So we put all his irregularities down to that. And having been fooled as the audience, we understand on a gut level how the characters could be fooled, would just shrug off what they saw as odd.

This episode feels like...the easiest metaphor would be a Chinese puzzle box, but that's not quite right. It feels like a wide-panning camera shot, wherein we finally see a full glimpse of the canvas. And it's as utterly terrifying as those moments when we finally see glimpses of the beasts we've only seen in profile in a horror film. Command actively wanted Doug and Minkowski dead. They actively wanted Hilbert in control, and the question, the terrifying, overarching question is why. And what will they do when they realize they've failed? It was terrifying enough to think of these people dealing with first contact with the full support of command, but with a hostile command, and a mutiny....yeah, I'm so, so ready for season 2. And in closing, I'm amazed and delighted that while weaving together so many lose threads, they managed to make Minkowski's obsession with the space manual from EP 1 important. I love Minkowski so. so much, with her need for order, and her obsession with obscure protocol that saves their asses every. single. time.