#'he's my dog' FUCK OFFFFF

[cosmic-radiocity]

Literally doing this face ⬇️

[dear-space-cadet]

because I’m sure everyone was waiting for my review. here it is. directly copy pasted from my notes app

Franz album review

Audacious - more like atrocious. I wish I liked this one but Alex’s lyrics are just cornballs as per usual #DontStopFeelingBodacious 3/10 bc the beginning riff set us up for SOMETHING and then took it away

Everydaydreamer - mildly ass TO ME just bc of the lyrics again… RIP Nick McCarthy I miss your influence this is ass 3/10

The Doctor - more like doctor poo… jk this one is actually not bad. The lyrics again are just making me mad bro 😭😭😭😭😭. I like this one it’s giving slight itao in ways… wait is this actually a good song??????? I think this is an actually good song WOWWWWW ok 8/10

Hooked - oh and here we go welcome back always ascending… some habits die hard. Album name drop 5/10. Lyrics bad again fuck offfff. Alex cannot write lyrics bro like how much of that was Nick bc AA and this song were both ass lyrically

Build it Up - NICK MCCARTHY PENTAGON HERE???? I think this song is about their beef esp bc it’s an older song that got worked into this album. It sounds like actual Franz Ferdinand too wow oh this is good… I like this one 10/10 THE LYRICS ARE NOT CRIMGE WE WON… welcome back Your Diary… welcome back YCHISMB period tbh like I was so good at predicting… anyway this one is such a banger I keep coming back to it like this is actually a GOOD song and not just something I’m giving a good score bc it’s not bad???? Like this may enter my rotation in big 2025???? Wowwww… justice for Black Tuesday tho but that was a Paul Thomson production so I get it

Night or Day - I already gave this one an 8/10 but it’s worse after the masterpiece that just hit my ears. Like I can’t even rate this one bc of the Yass I just let out at a Franz Ferdinand song in gargantuan 2025

Ok I’m getting off the subway so I gotta pause here but I’m gonna listen to the rest

Tell Me I Should Stay - 8/10 I’m too aroace for this shit. Alex is on key tho which doesn’t happen often. I like this one. I just hate the “hug me kiss me” like no I will not be doing that and I don’t think anyone in their right mind would want to UGLY… maybe it’s about Nick tho in which case I give it a thumbs up. This album pmo it’s like Alex forgot he was gay and repressed. But tbh that’s kinda character development, like he realized his art doesn’t have to be Profound, which is actually a good thing in his case bc when it’s Profound ppl just imagine him fucking his opp/former lover in the ass…. Anyway

Cats - actual song about cats bro this is kinda a booty metaphor tho … the whole world cheered for a Nick McCarthy riff tho like maybe they exchanged ideas in 2022 when they posted each other on insta… /j lyrics ass but song good 7/10… my only serious criticism is “you can’t turn a cat into a dog” is a popular transphobic talking point and Alex follows JK Rowling and Glinner who r two prominent UK transphobes, plus remember he QRTed that thing saying cancel culture was stupid…………. I know that isn’t the intent of the lyric but it rubbed me the wrong way….

Black Eyelashes - IS THAT A FUCKING BOUZOUKI??????????? Goddamn stop talking abt Greece tho gtfo my house… good song tho I guess… WHY CAN I UNDERSTAND THIS SHUT UUUUUPPP GTFO MY HOUSE 7/10 tho I like the vibes here. I do think it’s funny he’s essentially somehow sonically doing Yellow Mexico Filter but for Greece here… also I’m saying “he” bc this entire album is an Alex Kapranos production I fear. Let the bald one, the big twink, the girl, and the definitely gonna be transfem one speak!

Bar Lonely - I can tell this was written in 2015… ALEX WHEN I CATCH YOU… such a banger… one thing I don’t like about this album is the insistence on saying the song title as like a lyric in the song if that makes sense. Like just randomly saying it. They do it in almost every song and it’s so annoying. Not like naming the song after a lyric but using the song title as a chorus almost. This songs like an FFS song almost like I can’t explain it but the telling a story about somebody aspect is very ffs… esp bc it’s apparently set in Japan and we all know about FFS and Japan. 8/10

The Birds - boring sloppy messy lazy… “we all do things we shouldn’t have done” “the birds don’t care what the birds have done” “thank you for accepting me for the things I’ve done” like ok whatever… not to mention the “thing you have done” is grooming teenage girls. 5/10 terrible album closer dude we could have done without this one

—

Hope u enjoyed my Music Criticism str8 from the heart. From the very same Lev who brought you beautiful long form essay comparing their favorite nba player to the fucking Velveteen Rabbit

[simscastaway]

My ability to cry at ‘comedies’ is too much

[nature-played-a-trick-on-me]

Mental note: skip people who want to move the friendship way too fucking fast

[gins-potter]

No context episode 10 thoughts

- last episode let’s gooooooooooo

- Dimitri just being so fucking calm while everyone’s dying outside I could never

- ALBERTAAAAA

- Oh my god Jesse seriously

- I need this show to stop trying to make me care about him

- Ok Mia and Victor having a moment is emotional I guess but also THERE’S AN INVASION GOING ON THIS ISNT THE TIME

- Mason you better speak up

- Ok good boy

- ummm rip

- Didn’t see that one coming

- IM SO CONFUSED WHY DID THEY THINK ANDRE WAS DEAD IF THERE WAS NO BODY?

- umm girl what

- Can they not just tell who’s a dhampir and who’s a Moroi?

- Romitri reunion

- oh no Mum and Dad are fighting 😭😭😭

- Oh Mason you’re gonna die

- oh damn old lady has game

- lissa why don’t you heal her?

- Oh you’re doing it very good

- Andre I kinda love you

- Also you’re pretty resourceful for a posh Royal

- Man Daniela cries so pretty

- This queen iconic until the end

- I still find it so wild that Andre has been alive this whole time

- So wild

- THE EYEBROW

- lol this chick just making up her own rules

- We stan

- Victor there’s literally a FUCKING INVASION GOING ON and you’re crying in the church

- All these friendships that the books never gave us - living for it

- Romitri arguing and then completely dropping it when Rose senses the strigoi because Dimitri is a concerned puppy dog

- NOT THE ARGUING WHILE THE FIGHT TOGETHER IM LIVING

- Tatiana what the fuck

- All these people running for their lives stopping to get luggage is so fucking batshit

- I oscillate wildly between wanting Jesse to die and finding him amusing

- OH SHIT GO OFF JESSE

- “There’s more grace in that hope than in all the prayers I’ve ever uttered” I FUCKING LOVE THAT LINE

- Oh man HE WAS GONNA TELL HER HE LOVED HER AND THE FUCKING STRIGOI RUINED THE PARTY

- “Thanks Jesse you’re not always a complete dick” Mia you’re such a mood

- Rose defending Dimitri like no one touches her man

- MUMMA HATHAWAY!!!!

- her accent is still so fucking hilarious

- Oh shit thought Andre was gonna survive a car crash and burial just to get killed by a random strigoi

- is lissa healing literally everyone but Mia?

- Disregard

- OH FUCK

- MIA’S FACE

- Oh this music I love it

- I find this deviation from the books so batshit insane but this is cute

- WHO’S BODY DID THEY BURY?

- OH SHIT

- welp

- Brought him back just to turn him

- That’s so unfortunate

- Oh Sisi fucking ate with that scene tho

- she’s not gonna have any spirit left because she’s been fucking healing everyone

- Oh my god Mason that leap through the air was fucking hilarious

- I’m so here for this Rose and Janine team up

- Victor she’s literally a strigoi

- We’ll rip Victor

- Unsurprising result

- YES MIA PROTECT YOUR GIRL

- oh Mason

- … so is he dead?

- Get him to the infirmary where there’s no doctors?

- OH FUCK OFF TATIANA

- FUCK OFFFFF

- Welp, so I guess it’s gonna be Lissa’s escape story next season

- Oh Mason’s not dead

- Inch resting choice

- these children are married

- How

- Oh my god they’re such dorks

- Awww they said they loved each other

- so is it gonna be lissa, rose, and Dimitri together on the run

- Because that’s a vibe

- The drivinggggg

- HES NOT GOING WITH THEM?

- incredibly fucking rude

- HE COULD COME

- (Side note: do either of them remember she was just about to run away with Mason?)

- The nose nuzzle

- Oh these two

- They literally own my heart

- Sisi fucking serving looks in this scene btw

- The way Janine has grown on me so quickly

- Zmey’s number???????

- ZMEY

- oh my god I need a season 2 just so they can cast Zmey

- two girls who don’t know how to drive road-tripping to escape murder charges? What could go wrong

- dang Andre has had it so rough lmao

- Anyway that was a wild ride but thoroughly enjoyable

- I do want to reread the books now tho

[oswildin]

I haven't done this in a while but can I please request a ship?

I'm a 17 mexican american female,I have poofy hair and tan skin. I'm 5'4 and wear glasses.I'm bisexual and genderfluid.

Idk what my aesthetic/style is but I'd like to say it's between hipster,and skater person. I love to wear jackets,beanies,jeans,and boots, however I also like to dress feminine,with nice blouses,pants,flats,and the occasional dress.

I am an artist who normally draws ducks or birds(cause humans are hard)and an aspiring writer and comic book artist. I am not a gamer,I can't focus on playing video games.

I like food,books, macaroni n cheese,llamas,big fluffy dogs,dark/cool colors,comedy, and stationary.

I don't like liver,very bright colors,loud noises,yucky people (p*dos,fascists,racists,homophobes,etc.).

I am chaotic neutral,kind,sarcastic,witty,motherly,loud,aloof,quiet,and aggressive.

I have anxiety and Misophonia. I can't stand the sound of crowds or people talking and react negatively when I do hear it. I also swear a lot.

I go about life very lazily in a way. I don't see my own potential and how far I can go with it. I just do it and if I do it bad then oh well, and if I do it good then cool. I'm very neutral with my life, I just do and see what happens.

I don't think I have a catch phrase other than when I am around kids or typing it out I right fluff instead of fuck a lot.

My favorite song would probably have to be Miss You by Louis Tomlinson.

I think that's all for now. Thank you for doing this! I missed seeing these types of posts before and they make me smile! Have a great day!💛

I ship you with…. Peter Parker!

Here are some things Peter loves about you:

• You always tease him for playing video games, whilst he teases you for not playing them. He kinda likes the fact you don’t love them.

• He won’t admit it but he loves your chaotic nature as it brings out his adventurous side, and helps him feel more at one with being Peter Parker AND Spider-Man

• He appreciates how you take life on the chin. He needs someone who can be neutral with situations as he constantly feels pressure on himself to be great, and you help bring him back to just being Peter Parker.

• You deffo started out as friends first. You both may have even had a little hostility towards each other at first, just due to the fact you’re kinda the opposite to him. You’re outgoing and loud, something Peter is not.

• But when you both got other the awkwardness, you hit it offfff! Study dates (or more so Peter trying to get you to listen to him explain stuff for hours), you forcing him to skip gym class at least once a month (‘come on Parker, live a little’), making a day every month where it’s all on a whim, the whole day is spontaneous.

• Peter understands your anxiety, and dislike of crowded rooms. He’s very gentle and caring when you feel overwhelmed and quickly removes you from the situation.

• You scare him sometimes. But in the best way.

• ‘Mac & Cheese Wednesdays’ are also a thing

• Peter is there to help guide you also with life and what you want to do, every day he comes up with a new job role or idea for you to explore.

• You and MJ are basically also BFFs.

• You made the first move, mostly out of irritation that he hadn’t made the first move. You’d had an argument about something small, and it just slipped out. But Peter was thankful it did.

Your BFF: Wanda Maximoff - You both relate to each other and cause some chaos for the avengers. Playing pranks and trying to mother each other, which ends with more chaos. You’re partners in crime.

Your Theme Song;

[kyle-ash]

Ever wonder what I thought about the Ikerev boys? No? Well, here you go!

Kyle 

Do I have to say how much I love this nerd? I really love him. So much. It doesn’t matter who’s route I’m on, if he’s in the episode it’s a great episode. 99% of my screenshots. 

I find myself shipping him way more with @emeraldtawny than with myself, though-

Fenrir

His entrance was insane, gotta give him hella points for that. Also, I’m a sucker for boys with earrings!! Yes please! He’s a good guy to take to McDonalds at midnight. Also he has a good dog. 

I got his name wrong for the entirety of his route but that’s okay because we just don’t think of that time--

Loki

I was a bit disappointed on his backstory, because all the route it’s hyping it up and then it’s just--kinda ehh? It wasn’t any of the sword fighting, murder-spree kind of shit I was thinking of. If I’m honest, I don’t see him as that much of a yandere, he’s just a cute boy with confusing emotions. 

Harr

I was... expecting him to be... a pirate.. BUT! BUT!! He’s an adorable guardian that deserves as much protection as he gives out! 

Doesn’t say “arrrggh” though. A missed opportunity, really.

Edgar

When I first saw Ed, I thought “Wow this guy is kinda weird. He gives me bad vibes.” Started playing his route very hesitantly, but then it got really into the feels and I cried. I even called my mom and told her everything that happened. She had no idea what I was ranting about but listened anyways, bless her. 

Overall, he’s definitely a “you’re gonna have to call your mom” kinda boy.  

Zero

Funky name with some funky hair. Personality is surprisingly adorable and he gives out candy. I can’t goof on him, he’s just a really good person tbh

Lancelot

His name sounded super regal and he reminded me of my first anime crush. Please give me more whiney Lance I adore when he’s complaining but not actually sad, someone should make him get a cold or something-- 

Ray

I’m still a bit torn on Ray. He seems like a combo of a whole bunch of character types and I can’t quite peg him? He is a bit of a dumbass (my type) so he’s not on the bottom of my personality list, and he’s super attractive, but goddamn. His voice? Threw me the fuck offfff. The LAST thing I was expecting was a calm and collected dumbass! I didn’t even know that was a thing! 

He’s still a mystery to me. 

Luka 

The character I expected to have the monotone voice. He’s not my type, but his voice is actually amazing and I think it may be my favorite. He’s another boy that I think I know, but then he does some dumb shit and I’m like ????? I thought you were better than that but now I’m slightly attracted to you??? 

Sirius

You see, I love the idea of Sirius. I love the idea of a beautiful boy with ear piercings that loves gardening because I also love all three of those things! If Sirius ever met me though.. He’d just have another kid to babysit. 5/10, great in theory but wouldn’t date me which makes me feel sad

Seth

Do I trust him with my life? No. Do I trust him to make the best outfit for me at the lowest budget while keeping the seasons in mind? You bet your ass I do. 

Oliver

The opposite of mature? But also super adult? And is literally an adult? How does he do that?? Why is he calling me dumb?? 

Hot in his adult form but makes me feel very confused. 

Jonah

Mixed bag of pretzels. You get a sweet one, and then a salty one, and then suddenly he slaps the bag on the ground and says you aren’t as good as pineapple. 

Mixed bag of pretzels /10

Blanc

How are you alive. 

[praeuro]

Eorzean Hunger Games

Okay I haven’t done one of these in a long time and I wanted a laugh. At the sake of it being too long, I’ll hide the majority of it below. I should mention some potential spoilers are included.

I should mention beforehand that I HAD to choose a gender for the WoL, so I made them Male since that’s kinda canon for the cinematics. OKAY LET’S VIEW OUR CONTESTANTS!!!

I’d use pictures but that’d take toooooooooooo long ;-; Also a lot of shit happens in this simulator so I’ma just grab the most hilarious and eventful descriptions.

BLOODBATH:

BEAT HIM TO THE PUNCH

I wonder if it’s as big as her...

ahahahahahahAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

BITCH ABOUT TO BURN DOWN EVERYTHING

“I’m a healer, but....”

Overall nothing happened much between bag struggles. A few of them got sais, and papalymo got a bow *shrug*

DAY 1:

IMMEDIATELY OFF TO A GOOD, YET PREDICTABLE START

OOF, that’s another one down...

WHAT!?

IS IT JUICY GOSSIP!?

2 MIDGETS AND A USELESS LADY HUNTING EVERYONE ELSE OML

oh no...

So day 1 was a thing...Two down...the rest to go. I’m still shocked at Estinien being so calm.

NIGHT 1:

MURDER CHILD

PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

I’ve been getting a LOT of these too, just who the heck is generating all this shit for them!?

YOU’RE AN ENGINEER CID; ENGINEER SOME FIRE YOU BOOB

A true red mage

ESTINIEN WHY ARE YOU BEING ROMANTIC NOW YOU NUTCASE!?

SO NOTHINGS CHANGED!?

BURN BABY BURN! DISCO INFERNO!

Next morning they’ll be back to stabbing each other

DAY 2:

Honestly this is true Zenos material now, he just wants Raubahn to come back stronger

Offfff course, why am I not surprised that he’s turned into a botanist

I NEED TO KNOW WHO THIS UNKNOWN SPONSOR IS AND WHY THEY’RE HANDING OUT ALL THIS SHIT

hahahhhHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA

YOU ACTUALLY TOOK MY ADVICE AND ENGINEERED SOME FIRE!? I DIDN’T MEAN TO THIS SCALE!!

GOD DAMNIT

BABY GIRL NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! DIDN’T YOUR GRANDPA WARN YOU ABOUT THIS SHIT!?

Hmmm...I am both: “Yeah you get that ass....” and “Why can’t he do that to the WoL?”

NIGHT 2:

LIKE A TRUE PIRATE

These contestants and their fire I swear...

THAT’S IT, I’VE FINALLY GOT OFF THE DEEP END WITH THIS BLOKE

I don’t even need to say anything about this. This is just natural.

DAY 3:

UNCOMFORTABLE

I can’t remember if she had explosives...

same

dragonboi needs to eat

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

ARENA EVENT:

Okay let’s see who bites it

OOF

OUCH

OKAY THESE DOGS ARE MORE AGGRESSIVE THAN I FIRST THOUGHT; RUN EVERYONE RUN

god damnit

how big are these dogs!?

FOR DOMAAAAAAA

DAY 4 - THE FEAST:

Another event...cmon the dogs ruined everything the last time.

considering your PTSD, I don’t blame you

that’s terrifying...

BABY NO!

I swear to god if Nero wins this...

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO KEEPS GIVING HIM WEAPONS OF DESTRUCTION!?!?!?!?

NIGHT 4:

This is it. This is pretty calm though.

DAY 5:

WAOW GUYS

NIGHT 5:

Okay I’m beginning to think Haedaelyn has a hand in keeping this boy alive...WAS SHE THE UNKNOWN SPONSOR!?

CAN YOU BASTARDS JUST KILL EACH OTHER. YOU’VE LEARNED TOO MUCH FROM ZENOS, RAUBAHN. DON’T TURN INTO HIM!

DAY 6:

Now we’re Fisher class. So much DoL.

NIGHT 6:

LET IT BE HIS LAST DRINK.

WoL: The two of you being stabbed in your sleep lmao

DAY 7:

NO! NONONONONO RAUBAHN GO FULL ZENOS ON HIM NOW QUICK!

FUCK!

EUGHHHHHHHHHHHH fiiiiiiiiine.

[carolightpenvenys]

unknown number- penvenys au

thanks for your patience, relax and enjoy, leave some feedback x

Unknown Number 6:58 where's the dog food?

Caroline Penvenen 6:59 oh what the fuck sorry you must have the wrong number- i have dog food but maybe not what you're looking for?

Unknown Number 7:00 Ross quit playing I know it's early but I have a shift!! Where's the damn dog food I need the damn dog food. It's your bloody dog I'm pet sitting I just can't believe

Caroline Penvenen 7:02 can absolutely guarantee this isn't ross ! sorry xx

Unknown Number 7:03 Oh. No Ross would never use kisses I'm so sorry But you wouldn't know where my mate Ross has put the dog food?

Caroline Penvenen 7:05 do i look like i would

Unknown Number: 7:05 Potentially, I can't actually see you

Caroline Penvenen 7:06 touché xx

Unknown Number 7:09 You can't say someone doesn't look like something when you can't see them

Caroline Penvenen 7:10 what

Unknown Number 7:10 Never mind

Caroline Penvenen 7:12 no i wanna understand come onnnnnnnnnnnn :( X

Unknown Number 7:20 Search memes Just to let you know! Found the dog food!

Caroline Penvenen 7:21 you use way too many exclamation marks gives a girl a headache but congrats on the dog food, stranger x

Unknown Number 7:23 I think we are more than strangers now. And if I didn't have a shift starting in about a quarter of an hour, I would definitely tell you a little bit about myself So bye Until then Stranger

Caroline Penvenen 7:45 omg no i was in the shower come backkkk my name is caroline and i am tall blonde and handsome!!!!!

Caroline Penvenen 10:10 fuck Caroline stared down at her phone screen. Who cares if they woke her up at the crack of dawn, she really thought they had something going there.

She sighed, truth was, she was really lonely. She had some half arsed friendships with Demelza and her so called boyfriend Ross but after cutting her family out, she was left with very little to do. A text on her phone was rare.

She sat watching Horace dig a hole in his bed and she sighed, deciding sitting on her phone waiting for the stranger to text back was just too sad to contemplate.

Didn't mean she wasn't going to do it.

She had put her hair in a messy bun but lay in bed still, her MacBook in its Cath Kidston case on her lap as she furrowed her eyebrows, trying to look at “memes.”

She got a text from Demelza asking if she wanted to come to a party tonight- there was someone she might want to meet.

Fed up of terrible matchmaking, Caroline declined without a second thought.

This was just about the worst party Dwight had ever been to.

It was one of those ones, you know the ones where everyone who is invited as a bit of an agenda, where people are invited tactically rather than because they're actually liked.

And he was actually done with watching the sad affair that was George Warleggan and Ross Poldark’s relationship as he sighed, sinking into the couch with his lukewarm beer and phone in hand. After an 8 hour shift he'd pretty much like to be anywhere else.

“Hey!” Demelza sat down, speaking drunk and enthusiastically. “Having a great night?”

“Yeah.” Dwight replied half heartedly.

“Well you look like you're having a shit night.” She leaned in closer. “Youwannaknowasecret?”

“Last time you told me a secret Demelza it was that you were wearing granny pants.”

“And I still am!! Anyway. I know you're so depressed and lonely and your only friend is Ross’s dog who he lets you pet sit because you're lonelyyyyy.”

Dwight would contest this later. “Continue.”

“So I invited my beautiful model friend to set you two up and she RSVP’d no… how sad!”

She continued to babble but Dwight was looking down at his phone where he'd just received a text.

Unknown Number 22:06 found a meme btw when they don't text you later xx

“Yeah.” Dwight smiled up at Demelza. “Tragic.”

Caroline was sat on her bed, watching Ten Things I Hate About You and contemplating how Kat was a feminist icon when she got the text.

Unknown Number 22:07 I am at the world’s worst party so at least I can be happy knowing I taught you about memes.

Caroline Penvenen 22:07 omg spill how awkward is the party! It’s probably more fun than my night that i spent alone with m&s pasta and illegal streaming websites for films js not porn never porn X

Unknown Number 22:10 I just changed your number in my phone to “Unknown who is NOT using porn”

Caroline Penvenen 22:13 that is way too long i am changing yours to stranger plus you know my name is caroline !!!!!!!!

Stranger 22:14 silly me “caroline who is NOT using porn”

Caroline Penvenen 22:15 have fun explaining that to anyone that sees your phone xxx

Stranger 22:18 After much thought and consideration “Caroline”

Caroline Penvenen 22:22

Stranger 22:23 I regret telling you to research memes.

Caroline Penvenen 22:30 goodnight stranger X

When Dwight opens his phone about 24 hours later after perhaps the longest shift of his life, he’s bombarded with about 37 texts from Caroline.

Dwight Enys 22:00 Sorry I’ve been working all day! Hope you had a good one.

Caroline 22:01 what are you?? batman?

Dwight Enys 22:03 Close, I’m a doctor.

Caroline 22:05 wHAT that’s so cool what a wonderful day for saving lives people!!

Dwight Enys 22:08 What?

Caroline 22:08 it’s grey’s anatomy!!! you would definitely be dr mcsteamy or mcdreamy or whatever i don’t know i don’t watch it

Dwight Enys 22:10 Imagine though like Dr Dwight McSteamy hahaha

Caroline 22:10 dWIGHT your name is DWIGHT that’s adorable really you sound like a little old man that reads newspapers and puts too much milk in his tea

Dwight Enys 22:13 Well not that far from the truth… I mean how much milk is too much milk

Caroline 22:15

Dwight Enys: 22:16 Ok that tea looks cold for a start Not really fair on me But yeah Would drink Ps. Does this mean you’re in love with me??????

Caroline 22:17 you’re disgusting p.s. piss offfff  takes more than that to charm caroline penvenen.

Dwight tried to fight it but he was just too curious. He turned the Facebook app on and was ready to scan for infinite Caroline Penvenens.

Turns out it didn’t take him that long.

Caroline Penvenen

25 mutual friends including Ross Poldark and Demelza Carne

Dwight was absolutely stunned.

Like literally stunned.

He scanned through her photos even back to 2008 and she was still the most flawless human being he had ever seen. It couldn’t be the right Caroline.

It just couldn’t be,

How did Demelza and Ross even know her? How hadn’t he heard about her?

Well to be honest, he did massively zone out of all of their conversations.

Her profile was surprisingly open and he saw the last place she’d checked in was about five minutes from his house.

Not that he was stalking.

“Oh my god.” He sighed. “I’m being catfished by some kind of ethereal woman.”

Caroline 22:35 ok have given you adequate stalking time!!!! did you find me!!

Dwight Enys 22:37 Ok Caroline this is going to sound so weird but… You know Ross and Demelza??

Caroline 22:38 um yes i didn’t realise you’d stalked me with that much intensity should i be worried?

Dwight Enys 22:41 Oh God no sorry let me explain myself. Ross is actually my best friend He’s coming up as a mutual And so is Demelza haha

Caroline 22:42 omg who are you dwightttttt i am gonna stalk the hell out of you!!!

Dwight Enys 22:42 No please don’t

Caroline 22:43 it’s only fair brb omg let me send a screenshot is this you???

Dwight Enys

25 mutual friends including Verity Poldark and Ross Poldark

Caroline 22:47 hey dr mcsteamy your radio silence makes me feel like i have found you which makes me wonder how have we not met though?? maybe this is fate intervening like um guys it’s about time you met or whatever anyway guess the jig is up wow it’s going to be soooo awkward when we finally meet trust i am such a good actor no one will know i ever met you if that’s what you want ok bye

It took about a week before they undoubtedly crossed paths.

Horace was ill and Caroline was screaming down the phone to Demelza that she needed someone to come and sit with her whilst waiting for the vet.

“I will be all of two minutes, I still have my pyjamas on and I’m getting in the car!” Demelza insisted before hanging up and Caroline wept into her silk pyjamas with CP printed on the pocket as Horace continued to groan in pain.

“My poor baby.” She stroked his inflamed stomach. “My poor poor baby.”

Her doorbell rang and she raced to get it but there seemed to be an animated conversation happening as she opened the door.

“Demelza, I’m pretty sure this isn’t Sainsbu-” The voice cut off when they locked eyes with Caroline.

Dwight Enys as she lived and breathed.

“Where’s Horace?” Demelza demanded, marching straight in, a brush physically wedged in her hair and dinosaur onesie on.

Leaving Dwight and Caroline stood either side of the door, smiling awkwardly, barely able to make eye contact.

“Hi.” Caroline barely whispered. “Come in.”

“Thanks.” Dwight’s smile was tense but genuine as he followed her upstairs where Demelza was already stroking Horace.

She looked up. “Oh yeah sorry. This is Dwight. Dwight Caroline, Caroline Dwight.” She waved between the both of them and they shared a pained smile. “I offered Dwight a ride to Sainsbury's but he's a doctor so he could be of some use here I guess.”

“Well. I don't really do animals.” He shrugged. “But wouldn't hurt to try.”

He kneeled down next to Horace who immediately growled at him.

“That's so weird.” Demelza shook her head. “Horace is normally lovely.”

“Eh,” Caroline shrugged. “He's got a side.”

Dwight placed his hands on Horace’s stomach before nodding to himself. “It seems his stomach is a little inflamed from too much rich food.”

“I told you Caroline!” Demelza pointed accusingly. “Dwight she feeds him steak!”

“I can't believe you just ratted me out.” Caroline recoiled. “Only occasionally.”

“Well don't.” Dwight laughed a little. “Horace isn't seriously ill. The vet will give you a few things to make the inflammation go down but honestly, just stick to dog food.”

“And you say you aren't a vet.” Caroline teased, testing the waters.

“I'm really not. Would really appreciate a second opinion from an animal expert right now if I'm honest.” Dwight shrugged but he had a smile on his face.

“Well now we have tranquilized Caroline, we may as well go and buy you your ryvitas and other vegan shit you eat.” Demelza told Dwight. “But I've desperately got to go to the loo first. Meet me downstairs.”

She left in a hurry and Caroline stood up, suddenly very aware how much of a mess she looked with puffy eyes and creased pyjamas covered in dog hair.

“Well thank you anyway.” She looked him right in his cool blue eyes this time. “Dr Enys.”

He followed her down the stairs and she explained. “I knew we were bound to meet one day, I just didn't think I would look like,” she indicated to herself, “this.”

“Like what?” Dwight was honestly confused. “If my dog was ill, I would look a whole lot worse than you do. You should actually see me after a twelve hour shift.”

They both laughed at the thought before Dwight spoke again. “You know, I think Demelza has been trying to set us up for a while.”

Caroline began to link the dots in her head. “Seems about right.” She shook her head. “She's too cunning for me. But you never replied to my texts though.” She shrugged.

“Because I couldn't think of an answer. Maybe until I met you.”

She stood closer to him, slightly cutting his personal space. “Do you have one now?”

He replied. “No, but I have a question. Without the interference of our friends and fate, would you like to go on a date with me?”

I think we all know the answer.

Dr McSteamy 12:07 x

Caroline 12:08 xxxxxxxxxxxxx