#'define love in their own way' and that aros 'felt love anyway' when. No.

[steeltwigz]

I'm not on Reddit, but I am aro (and maybe aroallo), and I think its important to add also that some aros Will want to have sex, and Won't love the partner(s) they do have sex with, even in a sexual way. Having sex without being in love, or even being involved with the person, isn't a Bad thing. Some aros never feel love towards anyone, aroace, aroallo, or otherwise, and that's ok too.

This is all to say, people define their identities in such vast ways that banning any mention of sex from Any aspec subreddit (aro, ace, aroace, etc) is Ridiculous, and it's disgusting that a subreddit that should be a safe, inclusive space for aromantics is refusing so many of us.

As per usual I can't stand r/aromantic because aroallo people will make a post simply alluding to sex and literally be told in the comments to get out of the sub and take it to r/aroallo instead, like we've got yucky sex cooties or some shit. Like I get it if you're aroace and sex repulsed, but r/aromantic is not an aroace sub. Aroallo people have a place in the aro community!

[saltydogsmut]

You know, there could be an argument that Ashley a deeply closeted comp-het lesbian. Aro/ace if you prefer.

Because in spite of her obsession with Andrew, we never see her even think about or acknowledge other men. Even though she's upset when they don't find her particularly attractive, she doesn't seem to understand what sex drive is attached to. Only realising that Andrew would be a deterrent to the guards when he mentions it. And not recognising the murders and threats would quash Andrew's when dealing with the lady I the apartment.

Ashley may not understand the feeling of attraction and love, which is why you get to choose how she defines her own feelings. Her jokes about sex and loving Andrew too much are just that, jokes. She doesn't get the intense feelings everyone else does about the topic as she has no stake in either.

Her understanding of sexuality/people is from r-rated films and maybe some of the theoretical porn books Andrew has stashed away somewhere. (So far as I know, you can't find any, but maybe they're the parents' books, who knows.) . When she's trying to appeal to Andrew it's all about her labour and not anything of a sexual nature, it's always Andrew who initiates the more dubious physical side to their relationship, fingers in her belt loops, crawling into her bed at night, etc. This is why she thinks it's Andrew whose actions are more suggestive than her own. She even admits that in the questionable/love ending, she doesn't particularly care to pursue it. It's just a way to keep him around.

And yet, she always has feirce reactions to women. Why does she call all other women vile temptresses‐ aside from indoctrination from movies/her mom? It could be because she herself has a strong attraction to women. She tries to get confirmation from Andrew about her feelings, asking if he thinks nina is pretty, because she thought nina was pretty. Nina stopped being her friend as soon as Ashley found out she had feelings for her brother- not just because of the risk to Andy spending less time with her and the potential of them never being friends to begin with and only a means to an end- but potentially because Ashley had a crush on her and felt rejected.

The same could be said for Julia, who Ashley sends insulting and vulgar phonecalls to, showing her confusion of where the lines should be by saying "you think you're better because you can fuck him and I can't?!" But clearly according to one ending she can. Or at least, partway. We understand something sexual happened, but its possible they didn't have vaginal intercourse. Ashley might not be able to get physically aroused while thinking about men, making her assertions about women even more stark. If women can arouse even her, then surely no man could ever resist their charms. Not even Andrew.

After all, Ashley can place herself in the romance spot between the other girl bunnies, but her budding feelings can never blossom. Only Andrew gets to experience thd blooms of romance.

Anyway. This bitch gay. YEET.

[bloggingboutburgers]

I find your comics very cute and informative as an allo person. It's always interesting to see things from someone's perspective that isn't my own. Although I do have aspec friends who run the gamut of identities.

Sometimes I think that there's a lot of pushback around aspec identities because the way that people define sexual attraction and romantic love can be so wildly different from person to person and it confuses people on all sides of the equation. I've noticed it similarly when I try to explain how I'm nonbinary. Because not everyone understands or defines womanhood (which I rejected) or being nonbinary in the same way.

You said it yourself in an ask once that you weren't totally sure how to define what you feel for your QPR and how it was different from romantic love and that's definitely felt true to me sometimes. A few years back I read a post from a romance repulsed person who described a very cheesy (for lack of a better word) kind of concept of romance that was all about hearts and flowers and lots of big gestures and I can honestly say that I don't find that romantic. Their definition of their feelings for their QPR were actually far closer to what I would define as romantic love for myself.

It's kind of amazing how human beings can have so many experiences and some of them even very similar and just feel completely differently about them. I don't feel that person's definition of themselves as aro is wrong but my considering it love isn't wrong either because our feelings are different and that's honestly beautiful to me? Sometimes I feel like being queer is really all about your own vibes which is why I don't try to define anyone else's experience for them, lol.

Anyway, I love your comics and being able to see another person's perspective on love and sex. I wish you all the best in your continued endeavors!!

I'm so sorry, this is definitely another ask I'm sharing wayyy too late but – honestly YES. Yes to all of this. I agree whole-heartedly about everything you've said and I'm grateful some people share this perspective across the board TwT Thank you so much for sharing!! And thank you for the kind words, I wish you the best too!!

[iamaweretoad]

The l-word! We talked about this a bit, but I feel it needs a more in-depth analisys. I believe you said Mago is a demi-aro (I didn't dream this one up, did I? Sorry if I did! :D) when is the time he would feel comfortable hearing this from Heinrix? And when would he himself be sure enough to admit to having deeper feelings? Both to himself and Heinrix? ^^

Also, do you think that, after the game is over, there comes a time when Mago's criminal background comes back to haunt him in any way? Or is it a done deal, nobody would ever dare to come after him now that he holds the title of Rogue Trader?

Thank you! 😄💜 Took me a little while to untangle my thoughts on this, so apologies for taking so long!

I think, in some ways, it really helped that they were both so thoroughly convinced that neither of them had a future. So there was never any point or pressure to define what was going on between them. It gives them the space to figure things out at their own pace.

I think for Mago (he is demi-aro, you did not dream that up :D), the line between platonic and romantic love is blurred and there is a fair bit of overlap at the edges. I think by the time he found Heinrix in Commorragh, he understood that he loved him, but felt no need to like, demarcate the boundaries of that feeling. It was more of a: 'I think I love this person and I'll figure out what that means as I go'.

When it comes to them admitting it to each other... The thing is, from Mago's perspective, they had been doing that for weeks/months. All those little moments of kindness/affection/vulnerability/etc. I don't think it ever occurred to him that an explicit verbal declaration was like, a Thing? I think during the ice scene he understands, in the moment, that saying it out loud with words is a significant thing for Heinrix, but it isn't telling him anything he didn't already know. Which is why i love the mildly exasperated "i love you too now let me call the healers" dialogue option XD.

The confession that Heinrix is leaving the Inquisition, that he's *staying*, though... THAT hits Mago like a ton of bricks. Something about knowing they have no future, but wanting to hold onto it anyway, even if it hurts..... Anyways, I'm gonna stop before i start quoting Night In The Woods, but you get the idea XD.

----

And his criminal background! He wasn't really a big enough player to have enemies powerful enough to make trouble for him as a Rogue Trader. And he didn't cause enough damage to Imperial interests that it would really be worth it for the authorities to dredge that up either, as long as he sticks to the Expanse.

But his criminal and common background does still come back to haunt him in that the nobility in the Expanse never accept him. These are people who live for several hundred years, have their own private intelligence networks, and nothing to do but dig up dirt on each other, so by the time of the magnae accessio, they all know that he's a former criminal and a commoner and they don't let him forget it.

And I don't think the rumors Kunrad started every really die. Every so often the whispers start circulating again, that he's not really a Von Valancius, that he murdered Theodora and took the warrant by force, etc. Often it's just dangerous gossip, but occasionally it escalates to active sabotage or assassination attempts.

[becauseplot]

Just read your new fic and uugh im simply obsessed with your writing really!!! The way you write Liz and Thiago scratches all the braincells i have about them

I especially love the way you portray their relationship! Im not aro myself, but i am ace and these portrayals of undefined relationships that dont fit the commom labels bring me so much joy. Even more so when its with my favorite characters being shown somewhat as part of the Aspec

Also i agree with you! The ordem universe really has a lot of potential for aro and/or ace readings of sooo many of the relationship between characters. Because i feel like the experiences that come with having contact with the paranormal impact the characters and their relationships with one another in such a deep level that ends up binding them together in ways that are often hard to define but definitely always fun to explore!

Back to your fic specifically, i think you truly get the intricacies of their bond, the way you write about their struggles with both the paranormal and with their own issues aways makes me go "Yes!! Yes you get it!!" When im reading. Their banter and mannerisms are really accurate, and im also a huge fan of how you potrayed Thiago's internal conflicts! In fact, the way you write him its one of my favorites aspecs of your ordem fics...

Sorry for the rambling! I hope its understandable, i just had to come and compliment your ordem writing again because its so good!!

Glad I could scratch the braincells!! This fic was a lot of fun to write, I simply adore them :D

I myself am aspec (heavier on the aro, probably some flavor of ace) so aromantic readings of ordem relationships are so special to me. And YOU. YOU get it EXACTLY. The circumstances that the characters meet each other in Ordem are incredibly distressing, often life-or-death, and highly unusual---of course the relationships that flourish out of them are going to be different from the more "typical" platonic, romantic, and familial relationships; and putting them strictly in any of those boxes often sacrifices the relationship's nuance. Thus, an aromantic/queer-platonic/unlabeled lens for analyzing the relationships can be very helpful! God I could write paragraphs on the matter (and I have, in insane late-night ramblings in DMs and discords hdskhdj) but what it boils down to is that it's care, and love, and at the end of the day, that's what these characters desperately need from each other, because the story they live in certainly isn't going to provide it for them.

Liz and Thiago are especially fun to chew on. Like many of the other characters, their relationship is founded on a trauma bond: only they really know what happened to Gonzales, Daniel, Alex, and the monster in Nostradamus, and they very nearly didn't survive it themselves. Grief, shock, and desperation are at the roots of their relationship, and their relationship flourishes out of that shared trauma---of course they're going to stick close together. So now you've got this powerful bond between two characters who met a month ago that is constantly being tied tighter by these missions, making them cling to each other harder and lean on each other more heavily as more people die and as circumstances become more and more dire.

So, "friends" becomes a seemingly weak word in the face of that, nor does it seem to check all the boxes when you have such strong feelings for the person that don't seem to fit under what you would typically feel for a "friend." BUT there isn't any language available to accurately or succinctly label your relationship otherwise. Thus, Thiago's conundrum in the fic.

Anyway, yes! Their personal struggles and the paranormal threats they face go hand in hand! The threats they face often pull out the rawest parts of characters, which makes them fun to analyze. I'm glad their banter and mannerisms felt accurate, it was one of the ones I was incredibly mindful of when writing this---taking extra care to make sure that this fic really felt like them. The banter and bickering are essential <3

Never apologize for the rambling! If anything I should apologize I've just dumped a bunch of paragraphs right back on you my dude lmao.

Thanks for the lovely comment, it made my day <33

[bookofmirth]

please share your stranger things thoughts i’m curious 👀

okay but I am not going to tag this because I don't want people yelling at me! I am disagreeing with posts that have 5k+ notes so... I will put everything under the cut and still tag it as spoilers.

Fair warning! Stranger Things 4 spoilers below.

(Sorry it got long-ish, I have a lot of thoughts. I liked the season overall, btw. I know a lot of people are pissed about how it went but I'm not!)

The second - the second - that Mike told El he loves her, I was like oh shit. Here we go. That fandom collectively just imploded.

While I understand why people ship it - why wouldn't we want Will to get everything he's ever wanted? - I never thought it would actually happen because I saw no hints at all that Mike is queer.

I didn't feel either way about it happening, for context. If Mike/Will happened great, if not great. I'm not super attached to... probably any of the ships at this point, other than lumax. I've never really cared about Mike/El, at this point breaking up Nancy and Steve in season two feels like a mistake they are now trying to fix, I guess Joyce/Hopper is alright. My point is that I had no horse in this race.

Is Will queer? Obviously, and idk why people are mad that he didn't come out. Like what would that even look like? This is 1983-1986, remember. What community does Will have, as a queer person? What role models in his immediate, personal life? How do people around him talk about queerness? (A friend pointed out that they were also in the middle of the AIDS panic, which would have a major influence on how Will sees his own queerness, if he could even define it or label it in the first place!) I understand that there are fantastical elements to this story, obviously, but they are still living in our world, in our 1986.

It's super easy for people on tumblr to be like "just come out, just say you're gay!" but we have basically this whole website as support to do that, we can find communities online. When Robin "came out" she didn't actually say anything either? She just said "Steve" and gave him A Look until he figured it out. Call me crazy but these two characters can exist being queer without wearing their "I'm gay, ask me how" buttons to work/class every day.

So yeah I personally don't think there was any queerbaiting because, as a bisexual who has watched this show since the beginning and probably rewatches once a year, I am satisfied that Will is indeed queer and Mike is not and Robin is. I don't need a ship to happen, I guess, I just need the queer characters to actually be queer, and I think that Jonathan's talk with Will in the pizza place set that up perfectly to happen in the final season! Because now Will knows 100% that he can live his life, figure out who he is, and perhaps find someone to be with who is not his straight best friend. I don't think that anyone is arguing that Will isn't queer. (I keep using "queer" instead of "gay" because I did lowkey think he was aro/ace for a while, and he hasn't put a label on it. He's probably gay because that was some serious unrequited pining, but anyway.) We know he is! So are people mad that he and Mike aren't happening? Because ships aren't a guarantee. That particular ship not happening is not queerbaiting. It also reminds me of e*riels sorryyyyy I had to say it, it's just another example of making mountains out of molehills!

Like I said above, Will is obviously queer, and they have set him up to live his best queer life in the last season. I don't feel "baited" in the slightest.

(Side note, I don't pay attention really to interviews or articles or whatever is said outside the show itself. Much like any interview or event with Sarah J Maas, I don't rely on that event to tell me things that the show/book hasn't already told me.)

Now, Eddie. His death was sad, I cried both times (because I've watched the episode twice haha) but it did make sense, to me. He felt guilt for having left Chrissy behind, though obviously he couldn't have done anything about that. He couldn't have saved her, but like Max's guilt over Billy, that doesn't make him feel any better about how he responded to the situation. His death was not pointless? When he and Dustin went back to Hawkins, they would have ceased being a distraction for the bats. The second they leave, the bats would go back to the murder house, where Steve, Nancy, and Robin were trying to kill Vecna's body. They were supposed to be a distraction for a reason, they weren't just on a field trip to the Upside Down. So Eddie stopped, realized he was running again, and that doing so would actually in this case have been leaving other people in a lurch. (Now that I am writing this, I wonder if Steve had an influence on Eddie's decision to stay and fight. Something to think about.)

One more thing, but I also don't care that Vickie was kissing her boyfriend? The girl could be bi! Bisexuals exist y'all, and the fact that people are annoyed that a potentially bisexual woman was kissing her boyfriend,,,,... it just grosses me out tbh. Is Rickie their ship name, btw? So yeah, bisexual Molly Ringwald is gonna hopefully be a great girlfriend for Robin.

idk, some of the criticism I've seen just doesn't totally make sense when we still have another season coming. And when, like with Will, I feel like these things are going to continue/be resolved. I was watching something a while back and Oliver Stone was talking about the movie Wall Street, and how being a director means knowing that the viewer is absolutely going to misunderstand your intentions. I think there is a lot of that going on right now.

I liked this season. Some of the memes making fun of it had made me laugh. I'm not trying to be an active member of the fandom, I just have a lot of thoughts. (If this somehow gets outside of my usual fandom/followers, just FYI that I don't hesitate to block a bitch.)

[arotechno]

I don't know if it's cringe to wax poetic about your own writing, but I'm going to do it anyway. I am going to be spoiling the entirety of The Heartless, so I encourage you to read it (and reblog it/tell me what you think :pleading emoji:) if you haven't, otherwise this post will spoil it. I've just been thinking about it a lot, a year after I really got back into writing it, and I have some (lengthy) reflections on humanity and philosophy and being a good person.

The Heartless has always been a very personal story to me, and I really wanted to get it right, and that's part of why it took me so many tries to complete a version that I was happy with. The first version of the story went quite differently; I was 16 when I wrote it as a short story for a school assignment, in 2015 at the rising peak of d*sk h*rse on tumblr. In the original version of the story, Basil doesn't even exist. Bertrand lives. The story ends abruptly, post-assassination, because I had to write the entire thing in a day so I could turn it in on time. But the important distinction, to me, is that at the time I had only identified as aro for about a year. I was still really coming to terms with it, and since then as I've grown and changed and learned, Ace's story has too.

It was important to me, as I was writing The Heartless this time around, not to paint things in black and white. If Ace was going to question what it meant to be human, I wanted to explicitly divorce love from morality. You have someone like Marcus, who irrevocably sucks despite being "normal", and you have someone like Esther, who is kind and generous and has her own complicated experiences with love. Even Carita isn't necessarily bad, she just doesn't understand and has some prejudice to work through. There's Bertrand, who's kind of an asshole but a good person deep down, and Knife Boy, who learns and grows maybe more than anyone else in the story relative to how long he's "on-screen", if I'm being completely honest, but whose experiences overlap with Ace's in interesting ways. There's a grey area; I wanted everyone to seem sympathetic in some way (except Marcus, all my homies hate Marcus), because it was important for Ace to realize that being Heartless didn't make him demonstrably different from everyone around him. He makes mistakes, big ones, life-altering/life-ending ones, but it's not because he's Heartless. He's not evil or cursed, just human, and being human all along doesn't make him inherently good or more pure, but it doesn't erase the obvious differences between him and the people he meets, either.

In another story, Ace would have learned that "love was in him all along", that maybe the love potion DOES work on him, that maybe he DID have a heart all along and either he had blocked it out or he hadn't accepted that his love was "real" too. But I didn't want to do any of that. It matters that Ace is never "cured" or "changed". There was never anything wrong with him, and whether or not he "did love all along" doesn't matter. The point is that we're people too, and being a person is messy and hard but it's pretty cool, too. Ace strives to do what he believes is right, and actively beats himself up about it when his actions don't measure up to his morals. He chooses to be kind, not in spite of being Heartless, but in many cases because of it.

That was a really important lesson that I had to learn, too, and part of why I find voidpunk relatable as a subculture. There are plenty of people who would seek to dehumanize me or define my experiences as something broken, bad, or cursed. But I'm not cursed, and I'm just as much of a human being as anybody else, because I was born that way. As Basil himself says, love has very little to do with it: we're alive, and that's all there is to it.

Anyway, sorry for ranting about my own story. I'm sure that's a little self-centered. I have just been thinking a lot lately about voidpunk and lovelessness as a philosophy and the way my own experiences with dehumanization came through in The Heartless. It's just a really special story to me. I used to spend a really long time trying to patch holes in the original telling, and trying to find a way forward through a sequel or extended version, but what I came to realize was that things had changed so much that the story needed to change too. It's a story without an end; there isn't a final answer or a simple solution that will bring the equality and understanding we deserve. I couldn't write a definitive ending because there isn't one. We just keep moving forward, trying to live the best we can, and working together as a community. And as long as we know who and what we are and we don't let anyone else define that for us, then we'll be alright. I think that's the story 16-year-old me needed to hear, and I'm happy that I'm in a place now where I felt equipped to tell it.

[makeste]

I was originally going to send this message declaring my undying love for your metas and chapter reviews aND THEN - AND THEN MAKESTE - I READ THE ANSWER WHERE YOU SAID YOU WERE ARO AND THAT MAKES ME SOOOOO HAPPY. I'm aroace and it is SO FRUSTRATING to want to consume platonic or familial interaction between people and CONSTANTLY only get romantic or sexual. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR EVERYTHING YOU CONTRIBUTE

woooo up top! solidarity lol.

for me it’s like... I don’t know if “frustrating” is the word I would use, but I do wish there was more gen out there. and that’s also something I’ve felt awkward about wanting in the past, because my early fandom years took place in a time where slash was much less of an everyday commonplace thing than it is now, and liking it was still a fairly controversial thing. the internet was a much more openly homophobic place than it is now. like, picture the purity police of modern day tumblr, but if they attacked any kind of non-heterosexual relationship as being sick and perverted and wrong. that was pretty much the general vibe. this was before AO3, and people who wrote slash often didn’t post it on ff.net and only posted it to their own private blogs and/or locked and moderated communities instead just so they wouldn’t be harassed. and there was absolutely no canon representation out there at all, or next to none. it was very much a “[rolls eyes] oh the yaoi fangirls are at it again” sort of thing where non-cishet relationships in fiction and fanfiction were at best not taken seriously at all, and at worst were treated with outright scorn and disgust.

and so like, with this being a common attitude at the time, I felt guilty for not always wanting to read slash myself. like, I don’t mind reading about romantic relationships at all, but for me there also has to be some other kind of element in play as well, or else it’s just not going to click for me. if a fic is just romance, just a lot of pining and slow burn stuff without anything else really going on in the plot, I just get bored and disinterested. I almost want to use the word tired, even though I’m not sure that makes much sense. I just can’t connect to the emotions, and so I disengage pretty quickly. and so I tend to steer clear of time-honored fandom staples like coffee shop AUs or And They Were Roommates, just because for me there’s rarely anything there for me to latch onto. I like angst, but I can’t relate to “so and so doesn’t feel the same way about me”, or “I want to be with them so bad but I don’t know how to confess”, or “they’re with someone else and it hurts like crazy every time I see them and know we can’t be together”, because none of those are emotions that I have ever personally felt, and I just can’t make myself feel them. what I can relate to are things like “this person makes me feel safe”, or “I feel a strong connection to this person”, or “I trust this person more than anyone else” because those feelings aren’t exclusively romantic in nature. I can relate to closeness and caring and love and affection and trust, but what I can’t relate to is the feeling of having a single person occupy all of your thoughts all the time, and very badly wanting to be the most important thing in their life as well, and feeling incomplete otherwise.

but anyway I spiraled away from the point I was trying to get to, which is that for a long time I actually felt guilty about feeling this way. because even though it’s rare to find fanworks where gen/platonic relationships are at the center, actual canon is chock full of said relationships. and so it’s like, what right do I even have to complain when I get to read all the time about so and so being friends, but the people who actually want them to be in a relationship in the actual canon so rarely get to see that actually happen. because that much has not changed in the past 20 years, even though society has become far more accepting of LGBTQ+ relationships. most canons are still far more likely to tease a non-hetero ship -- on purpose, even, hence why queerbaiting is a thing -- than actually commit to it. and so I often feel like I have no right to voice my desire for more genfic, because genfic has never faced the same kind of scrutiny as slashfic. gen has always been acceptable, and there is plenty of canon representation of platonic and non-romantic relationships, and so it’s not something I have any business whining about.

and even now I feel fairly uncomfortable voicing this lol. I write almost exclusively genfic myself, and up until very recently, I’ve always defined gen in my head as being just a lack of romantic or sexual content, rather than being its own distinct category. I think that’s one of the reasons it took me so long to realize I was aro (that, and I’d honestly never even come across the term until just a few years ago). for me, my lack of interest in romantic affection always felt more like a lack of identity rather than an identity in and of itself. I always felt like I was missing something. and for a very long time it never occurred to me that this might be a permanent thing; I just figured, okay, I just haven’t had this feeling yet. it just hasn’t happened for me yet. but eventually it would, and I just hadn’t met the right person, or whatever. but it was never anything I particularly wanted, and I never felt like I was missing out on anything by not having it. I never felt any kind of longing for it or felt incomplete without it. I was actually perfectly content!

but because society treats romantic orientation as the norm and places such a huge emphasis on it, I still had the uncomfortable feeling in the back of my head that if I never fell in love with someone and never wound up having a relationship with someone, my life would somehow be less meaningful and whole. like, we’re raised to think that romantic love is basically the pinnacle of the human experience, the purest and truest emotion that anyone can feel. and at the same time, there’s this idea that a life without that kind of love is just sad and unfulfilling and tragic. and so for a very long time my experience with my own aromanticism was characterized by me thinking of it as a lack of something that everyone else said was very important. and it took a long time to realize that that wasn’t the case, and that it was a valid orientation all its own and not just a matter of me being deficient in some way. and that was actually such a relief to finally come to terms with. I can be whole and complete on my own and still have a rich and fulfilling human experience even if I never experience romantic love, and that’s fine. I’m not missing anything. I’m not wrong for feeling like I’m not missing anything. it’s fine to be content with just me as I am. like, holy shit. and that was such a weight off my shoulders to finally get that.

I once wrote a fic which I was and still am very proud of. it was a genfic, and it had a really intricate plot with a big twist at the very end. and there was a ton of emotion in it, and it got very intense at times, because these were two characters who cared a lot about each other and would literally die for each other if they had to, and I’d put them in a situation where that possibility was very much looming over their heads at every turn. and I really put everything I had into trying to convey that kind of bond as strongly as possible. like I poured a ton of my heart and soul into that fic. and the responses were almost universally positive and kind and made me really happy.

there was one response though, that still sticks with me to this day. it was by and large very positive, just like the others. but it ended with a single sentence that, at the time, kind of just lowkey gutted me. Not gonna lie though, would have loved some slash in there.

like, that just cut me. way more than this person actually intended, I think. I’m pretty sure they just meant it as an offhanded comment, not even a concrit or anything. just “haha would have loved it if they’d kissed though lol.” but it stung. because this was something I’d put every ounce of emotion that I could conjure up into. and even though it wasn’t mean to be hurtful in any way, to me that comment read as “this is still missing something.” because there was no romance, the fic was incomplete. the characters’ feelings were incomplete. even though I’d struggled so much to convey all of these complex emotions which to me were so real and powerful, and even though the comment even acknowledged that I had by and large done so effectively, to me the single takeaway that stuck was that the feelings were less meaningful because there was no romance.

and that felt like a failing on my part. I even apologized for it. and here we are, ten years later, and that comment still pops up in my head any time I feel the urge to talk about a popular ship which I support but which I also enjoy as just a friendship. “just” a friendship. I still feel guilt over that. I still feel this urge to overexplain that I’m not trying to invalidate the actual romantic ship. I worry that I’d be perceived as ungrateful and/or a bad ally if I ever just came out and said “I wish there was more gen” like you were able to say so freely, anon. I worry about people getting offended if I were to say “I headcanon so and so as being aroace” because it might be viewed as an attack on their ships, or as latent homophobia, or something. like I have this paranoid fear that people might take it as me being puritanical and all “oh no, icky sex” or whatever, and so I end up just never bringing it up at all.

and that’s the thing about aromanticism, though; it’s so easy to just never talk about it at all, because for so many people it is just defined as a lack of something, rather than a something all on its own. it’s so easy for it to be something you just never bring up, and which just kind of quietly exists as the boring, bland, inoffensive yet uninteresting lack of a relationship; the default blank slate that most everyone is dying to fill in as soon as possible, except for you. and I’ve gone on thinking about it that way myself for so long that I’m still struggling now to sort out how to embrace it as an actual identity. it’s something I still have a lot of work to do on I guess.

anyway! so that all got very long and rambling and personal, far more so than I intended; clearly I have a lot of pent up thoughts and feelings about this lol. I guess I probably could stand to talk about it more, since the evidence would indicate that I clearly want to. but eh, baby steps. but anyways you are super valid anon and thank you so much for the love and comments. <3

[uh-drarry]

Can i ask what the difference between ace and aro is? If not thats totally fine! I was just curious, have a lovely day ♥️

Of course!! I hope you are having a lovely day as well, nonnie. Thanks for the ask! I’m not an expert but I have done a lot of research since realizing I was both ace and aro but I only recently realized this within the last six months so I’m going to give kind of broad terms and they both definitely have more definitive terms depending on the person using them. Ace is short for Asexual. Aro is short for Aromantic. (As I type this Aromantic is showing as a spelling error, and if that doesn’t tell you anything about how underrepresented that community is idk what will). This got a bit long, so I am putting it all under the cut.

Asexual people feel little to no sexual attraction. The opposite of this is Allosexual, meaning you do feel sexual attraction. Asexual is an umbrella term and there’s many micro labels under it as well. This doesn’t mean aces don’t have a libido though. Some people have high or low libidos and are still Ace because it’s about sexual attraction. Asexual people sometimes define themselves as one of the following, sex favorable (does enjoy sex, but possibly won’t initiate it themselves, or they could live without it but are happy to partake as far as I understand), sex positive (this can mean the previous, or, like me, they encourage others to have sex if they want it, and believe safe sex should be taught, etc.), sex neutral (they might enjoy sex, but eh, that’s cool if they never do it again, or ever), and sex repulsed (might get nauseous at the thought of it, never wants to partake, depending who they are they might not want to see it, hear it, watch it, etc even within media, nothing). Back to feeling or not feeling sexual attraction, for example, I have never once looked at, say Chris Hemsworth or Zendaya, and thought “Yeah, they turn me on, I’d have sex with them.” (Honestly the fact that I really had to think to come up with names there, which I think it very telling, I’m laughing at myself). *oversharing probably but trying to help people understand, sorry* Despite the my lack of sexual attraction to anyone, I do feel things, for example, when I read smut or something similar. Ace people might get themselves off, have sex, or never do anything of the sort down there. That kind of thing is about feeling good, you don’t have to think your partner or whatever is sexy in order to do that. If anyone wants to do their own research, AVEN.com (Asexual Visibility and Education Network) is probably a good starting point, or I can rec some blogs here.

Aromantic people feel little to no romantic attraction. Very different from feeling sexual attraction, yes? Basically, take all of what I wrote about being Ace and exchange sex with romance and that’s an aromantic person. I will explain anyway. Just like allosexual, alloromantic people are people who do feel romantic attraction. Romantic attraction is when you want to do romantic coded things with people. Of course romance is a bit harder to define than sex, so it can mean a lot of things to different people. Kissing can be seen as romantic to one person, and another aro person could really enjoy kissing others for example. Personally, I get pretty uncomfortable in romantic situations regarding myself and someone else, which I would probably define as being Romance Repulsed. After learning what this term meant and reading some about it, I really thought of my experiences. I’m pretty sure I’ve never had a crush on anyone, relationships (the brief two that I’ve had) really just felt like friendships. I didn’t initiate anything besides maybe handholding because I didn’t know what to do, or I didn’t even realize that was a thing that most people in that situation would be doing at that point in a relationship. I felt very uncomfortable when a ex tried to take a kiss further than a peck, among other things. Again, being Aromantic doesn’t mean aro people automatically will never have or want romantic relationships. They just don’t feel those feels for people usually. Like AVEN for asexuals, there’s Arocalypse.com for aro people. I have less blogs to rec here, but I can rec some if someone wants it.

There are good examples of different types of attraction, I personally feel platonic attraction which would be the desire to be someone’s friend, as well as aesthetic attraction which is defined below.

People can be one, or both, or neither. I am both, AroAce. People in these communities often use the Split Attraction Model (SAM). Which would be like someone stating that they are Asexual Homoromantic, or Aromantic Heterosexual, or Aromantic Pansexual, among many other combos.

Because I do feel aesthetic attraction, pretty much solely towards women, I define myself as an Oriented AroAce, or Lesbian AroAce. If I ever did end up in a relationship with someone, I can only ever imagine it to be with a woman. Again though, that’s just one microlable among so many that are out there.

This is a huge list of identities and labels, it overwhelms be tbh, but I’m linking it here anyway because it’s very informative.

I assume this ask was in response my reblog here. Yes I get very annoyed when people treat these two orientations as the same thing, despite me identifying as both. As I hope you can now see, they are very different things. A lot of the time, I enjoy reading about romance and sometimes sexual relationships, but sometimes I want to read other peoples thoughts, fics, posts, etc about only one of these and the Aro/Aromanticism tag is flooded with posts about asexuality which really doesn’t help people who are trying to learn about aromanticism or wanting specific content.

One more point before I wrap this up. I read a book because I wanted to see if it’d help me know for sure if I was demisexual (definition can be found in the huge list I linked two paragraphs up, or on google), and it actually made me realize I was aroace and I am forever grateful for it so I will rec it here. It’s called Loveless by @aliceoseman and it has quickly become my favorite book. So if anyone wants to read about a fictional character realizing they’re aroace, this is a fantastic book. I related so much to Georgia, it’s crazy. Also her other works are fantastic.

Remember you are not alone! Experts believe that 1% of the population is ace (and I think it’s the same for aro people) and that might sound like no one but, guys, theres 7.8 billion people on this planet. That means theres 78 million people like us! I ended up finding a lot of ace people to follow on twitter as well by the way.

This might be a hot take to some but the A in LGBTQIA+ does not mean ally! It’s for Asexual, Aromantic, and Agender! And we do belong in the queer community because the queer community is for people who aren’t straight, cis, or amatonormative. Wow, I hope this all makes sense, if any of you are confused or have more thoughts, or I messed something up, UNLESS YOU’RE BEING APHOBIC, add your thoughts, or message me!

Side note: Do please send me recs of people to follow, books, fics, shows, whatever, I am always searching for new content within these orientations!

[timerainseternal]

Who’s your favorite character of tua and why

I enjoy most of the characters in Umbrella Academy, but my favorite is Five! As for why, there are a lot of reasons, but I think, writing-wise it's because I don't know what he will do at any given moment, but I trust where he's going. This is a difficult balance to pull off, but I'll try to explain exactly what I mean and why I feel that way.

Firstly, I don't know what he'll do, which makes him interesting to watch. He's full of contradictions in many ways, he's very resourceful, and he's written as someone who is extremely smart. (Though another thing I find interesting is that unlike with many other "genius" characters, intelligence--as in knowledge or ability like with his scribbling-on-the-walls math--isn't his primary trait, at least not to me. Before that I would say that he is at least determined, as well as resourceful in a way that isn't linked strictly to book smarts. Instead, he's driven on sustained desperation that "geniuses" never seem to get in media, and even though he's so smart and generally competent, his plans often or always fail, which I actually made a whole post about. Even further, we know he's 58, so his knowledge is based not only on natural ability, but also a lot of work and time, which is also not the general presentation. We know he's smart, but figuring out time travel took him a whole lifetime.) Anyway, even his power set is...fluidly defined. I don't know what plans he will make, or what side effects will follow--only that, based on past experience, side effects will follow. As such, I'm very entertained watching him constantly pivoting and coming up with new ideas and plans, especially since I think he gets more plot turns than anyone else in the series, or at least is a more active force in those turns.

His choices also showcase the desperation that is at the core of him, and the moral greyness that comes from it. He's not bound by normal considerations like most of the others are; often, he doesn't even consider them. What might be off-limits to others isn't off-limits to him (which is like his powers in a funny kind of way). But really, it all stems from the fact of having lost everything with his 45-year stint in the apocalypse and the loneliness that comes from that. It's an interesting philosophical thought experiment. What are morals in a dead world? What are a few thousand people compared to the end of humanity? What are we if everything else gets stripped away?

And for Five, the answer is not in the violence we've seen him commit, but instead the love he shows. He was presented as a prickly genius who is smarter than everyone and knows everything (like he says to Allison in ep 1) and who is also a time-travelling assassin hardened by decades in a wasteland. We expect competence, cold calculation, and a near-complete lack of empathy. But then we meet Dolores, and we learn that he's doing everything for his family, and we see that everything he does is for love of other people. Specific other people, sure, but love nonetheless. And he isn't cool about it, isn't aloof; he's lost it all before, and he's desperate, and nothing he does--despite what most shows tell you about geniuses--really fixes any problem completely, and especially not the relationships that got broken when he left.

Yet even despite all that, he's also predictable in a way that lets me trust him. Obviously, as an audience, we see how pressing and devastating the apocalypse is. It's the end. Yet none of the other characters understand that the way we do, or the way Five does. His ultimate goal is to stop that from happening and protect his family, and given his life experience, I know that there is nothing that will stop him as long as he's around. I trust that his character will make decisions towards an end goal that I agree with as the audience, and that as long as that remains true, I know that even if I don't know where he's going with a plan, I can at least trust his intent. Even with the Commission, where he worked as an assassin and presumably murdered innocents, the end goal is great enough that it makes sense. Moreover, though, is that once we see that his motivation is for love and to protect, not from a place of sadism or superiority, and that he will even listen to others to find a less violent workaround (as with Luther in s1), I trust his intentions even more.

That's part of what makes the murder of the Board, and then the aftermath, so interesting: it's a study in contradiction, the urge to be violent and feel seen and effective and successful, contrasted with a sense of guilt and remorse and an understanding that it's not the best version of himself. He's warring with those instincts, but the writers have portrayed him in a way that allows for understanding and sympathy.

For another thing, as I think @the-aro-ace-arrow-ace mentioned, given his unique standing as both 13 and 58, he can't really have a romantic relationship to pull him away like the others can, nor do I think he would if he could, considering the timespan the show tends to give him. He's not really in the mindset for romance at all, and especially not a romance that would distract him from his goals. Not only was Dolores an extension of his own mind for a long time, but also was one he was willing to abandon, first going with the Handler, then again towards the end of season 1. Not only does this make his goals less likely to be swayed from what I, as an audience member, consider to be important, but also romance as the sort of "love at first sight, I will prioritize you over everyone else without any real merit behind it" is always a bit flimsy to me. Maybe I'm a little too aromantic to get it, but I generally find it a bit distracting at best unless done really well. (I did like Raymond and Allison as a couple. I thought that was done really well, where they had time and chemistry and respect for each other, and I enjoyed the time they spent together. It doesn't hurt that Allison is my second favorite, but it stands well even besides that. It's just a good relationship.)

Finally, all of that plays into Five's relationships with others. He isn't good at being a social creature (understandable), yet that's what he values most: his family. He wants to be empathetic--and in many cases he can be--but he's battling his own inability to be understood. He doesn't even fully understand himself in the world he left when he was a child. In a very real sense, he can't do what has become most important to him--not that his siblings are the best role models for communication. It makes sense, then, that he was able to seemingly connect with Reginald. Five wants to connect with the people he missed and felt like he wronged, no matter if he actually was in the wrong or not. He so often gets ignored/misunderstood/considered crazy that even as someone just watching that conversation, it felt cathartic for him to be listened to and taken seriously, even if I think Reginald is the absolute worst and that the best thing for him to do would be to stay dead. Five thought he was being the most rational of his siblings in that supper, but he didn't realize that his biases were as strong or stronger, and just had a different root. His relationships with others are his strongest desire/goal/motivator, but he has such a distorted perception of the way the world works on a daily, interpersonal level and also who he is in that world, that he can't really make it work right, and that's really neat to watch.

In my mind, also, what Five is looking for isn't actually his family from 2019. It isn't even his family from 2002, or at least not just them. I think that what he wants is to be who he was when he left, before he got stuck in the apocalypse. He wants his family because he loves them--I don't doubt that, and I don't want to discredit it--but also because I think in some sense he believes that if he can just be with them again, he can make things the way they used to be, the way he used to be. He's kind of like Luther in that regard, except that Luther is beginning to move on, and Five is stuck in it. The tragedy in this, of course, is that he's the time traveller here, and no matter what time he goes to, his only choice is forwards for himself. He can't go back, even if he reaches the exact moment he left. This, of course, is speculation--or analysis, if we use the kinder term--but I think it shows how much can be read into his character based on his choices and narrative arc, and that in itself is interesting whether it was intended or not.

So, that's an overly long answer to your question! It's Five because I think he's interesting, and I think he's interesting because the writers have backed themselves into a corner where he kind of has to be. I hope that was what you were looking for!

[midnatt-heronweather]

MY Thoughts this Aromantic Awareness Week 1/?

Aromantic Awareness 2021 February 21st to February 27th

This will probably make no sense to anyone, but since I’ve got no prompts to fill or questions to answer this is what I’m doing.

“Some” people say you shouldn’t talk about these things, and should keep them behind closed doors, I say. Education and acceptance is more important than some stuck up tarts archaic idea of modesty...

but I do agree with moderation of information of course.

I‘ve a few talking points, I’m not going to say how many because it may be more than I originally start out with. , and as you all know I can go off on tangents.

__________________________ First I guess I should Explain the flag and what it means, because, like other LGBT pride flags the colours have meaning

>Green & light green: represent the aromantic spectrum,aromanticism (represented by green); covers all arospec identities (aro, gray aro, lith/akoi, cupio, quoiro, idem, demi, fray, caed, requis, arovague, and others)

>White: for all the nonromantic forms of love and attraction; friendship/platonic, aesthetic, sexual, sensual, emotional, mental, QP relationships, family, you name it [Alternatively some designs include yellow for this, though personally I avoid yellow for visibility sensitivity]

>Gray & black: for the sexuality spectrum, covering arospec acespecs (asexual spectrum ppl) as well as arospec allosexuals __________________________________________________________

1b of this blog deals with an important subject Discovery - basically its a ramble of an attempt to explain how I know I’m Aromantic Asexual   Rather than being specifically dedicated to the Aromantic side of my Identity this one’s a mixed answer because it covers both Asexuality and Aromanticism as it regards to me: So - I see and hear a lot of people ask “how did you discover you were “<Insert sexual identity here>” and I‘ve listened to a lot of AroAce people give their answers which always seem to sound deep.. Well, make my own seem rather pedestrian; decide for yourself, this here’s my answer:

The truth with me is frankly... I didn’t “discover” anything apart from the term itself; I’ve always been this way. Oh yeah, I went through phases trying to make sense of why I didn’t fit the social norm of being a sex mad teen or even slightly interested and not repulsed by the whole thing I asked the questions “am I gay?” “ Am I wired wrong?” Etc. But it’s all the same because it was just... me.

Of course ‘society’ has had its opinions, for years people called me frigid, told me ‘god’ wouldn’t let a creature like me be ‘happy’, because I was... i don’t know, Pagan/fat/geeky/ somewhere in the LGBT rainbow take your pick as to what “creature” referred to, i don’t delve into the small minds of backwards northerners anymore, its a bog of stench. Another thing I was frequently told was that I pretended not to want something because I knew I was too ugly/fat/repulsive to get “it”. Which given what happened to me on my 18th makes me laugh ironically. But anyway...

I formed my own explanation, either just to wave a geek flag or because it was one of their insults -   I’d get called alien (originality was not something that was encouraged at my school as you can tell), so I came up with calling myself Vulcan, with the lack of emotional response and distaste for social norms it ft me

I’ve never “wanted” romance, and the idea of physical contact makes my skin crawl (literally and figuratively) Sometimes I’d stop and ask myself if I’d felt  ‘feelings’ for someone.. Like the books described or like my favourite characters on TV?  That... butterfly ‘love at first sight’ heart racing at the sight of another person, but th answer was always no. I even asked the few people in my life I looked up to, to describe “love” (still do sometimes, but that’s more fic research stuff) and it never registered with me which has never bothered me more than a passing itch would.

I was/ am me and there was nothing I could do about it, and as that was the only way I’d ever known it was/is natural to me. back to the ‘discovery’ part of this rant/blog: I can’t really separate discovering Aromantic or Asexual as terms, and tbf I can’t really say for certain when either clicked into place. As with most important things I discovered I wasn’t alone or an ‘abnormality of nature’ through a hell of a lot of research.

I was in university, going to my first few (good) conventions, and I felt surer, of myself I guess, as cheesy as that sounds. this was when I was around 25 Ironically for me this was not that long after after I’d met Ally Dark fairy goth sister lady that she is and started actually finding reasons to like and trust .. anyone really, and shortly after this we met Heather and I discovered among the other things we shared, she was Asexual too, but she’s... i think the term is actually allo-Romantic, she’s interested in that sort of stuff, loves a good romance story, and all the mush attached  

I’m still defining the parameters of me, as we all do, people change throughout their lives no one stays precisely the same but. I AM Aromantic Asexual and that is one thing that I am quite happy to say will never change.

The Uk as far as I’m concerned doesn’t recognise Aromantic or Asexual people enough, not that the rest of the world does either, because we don’t stand out as far as their concerned, (well. Most don’t ;) ) but we exist, we are valid and despite what some would have you believe we do count in the LGBTQIA and that is my “discovery” rant/blog/ ASAW day 1 post

[bloggingboutburgers]

AHHH NO I was wrecked by the ending of Good Omens S2 in the same way!!! I was so disappointed when they kissed--I feel like that did turn their relationship into a garden variety romance when what they'd had up until then felt so unique and queer and not-explicitly-romantic but a friendship so deep and affectionate that a lot of third parties (including members of the audience) read it as romantic. I'm sad that the S2 finale sets them up as "in love" in a more traditional way, especially if that means that S3 is going to be the final nails in the coffin of the big ace/aro/QPR vibes they had all through S1 and most of S2.

Mhm, I see what you mean TwT Although I must admit I didn't really think of it as ace or aro or queerplatonic either personally, my own beef with it is that... Personally I felt that relationship shouldn't be defined in just one word or a couple of them, since it was so freaking unique and beyond what is humanly possible. Two eternal beings coexisting as the only proper certainty of each other on Earth and learning from each other's very different morals in order to each form an identity of their own? Now that's original and compelling character dynamics if I ever knew any! And I liked that it made me want to ponder on the psychological, moral and philosophical implications of it and that it could encourage the audience to do the same. But I guess with that obligatory kiss scene now all of that invitation to pondering is toast, not that many fans took it to begin with anyway because romance is all there ever is in this world I guess but... Bleeeeeehhhhhhh

[illfoandillfie]

hi i hope you don’t mind me being nosey but i was wondering if i could ask a few things about u being aro? i kinda just wanted to know how u figured it out? and also do u still get feelings for people but choose not to pursue it? sorry if i’m kinda intruding i don’t mean to, just curious

i dont mind at all darl! (actually...lowkey i love when people are curious about it lmao so feel free to ask more questions) also this is going under a cut cause it got longer than i meant it to lmao

figuring it out wasnt easy and it took a lot of self reflection and like months of questioning and doing research and then worrying i was getting it wrong. Basically i first considered the idea that i could be aro when i was approaching my 25th birthday. A friend of mine (the only guy i’ve had any sort of a fling with) had announced he was engaged and i was completely down on myself wondering why i couldnt get a single date when he was off getting engaged (not that i even Wanted to get married i just would have liked some attention). I figured there had to be something wrong with me or something about me that was broken. And then i saw someone i followed at the time reblog a post about being aro. I’d seen the phrase a little before but never really considered it as fitting me but i’d also never really paid attention to what it actually meant. 

I don’t remember what the post was exactly, it’s probably somewhere in the thousands and thousands of posts i’ve liked over the years but there’s no easy way to check so . Whatever it said it felt relatable enough that I went and googled aromanticism to try and figure out what it was and if it fit me. Because I was already in a headspace where I’d been thinking about my lack of a romantic history already, a lot of the stuff that i read had been stuff i’d been thinking about anyway. Like Reader said in Platonic when she was talking about how she figured it out, I’ve never had a proper crush. I spent months thinking about it after my friend told me he’d proposed. I have very vivid memories of literally deciding to have a crush on a boy in primary school because it seemed like i should (again, i included that directly in Platonic lmao down to the boys name and everything). And every guy I’ve had an interest in since has been either a brief physical attraction that i forgot about as soon as I wasn’t seeing him regularly or something that I deliberately manufactured either in an attempt to fit in with the people around me or because i was kind of bored. Even the cute music teacher at work last year like he was hot and i wouldnt have said no to a kiss or whatever but i just didn’t have any feelings about him beyond that. 

While I was trying to figure out if I was aro I read a lot of websites. The AVENwiki has a page on aromanticism and I think also has pages on some of the aro-spec identities like greyromantic and demiromantic so that was a good starting point for definitions. Google also gave me a few different forums and stuff where aro people were talking about being aro. A lot of aromantic resources are tied up in the asexual community though because that’s where the language and everything was first suggested and what it evolved from. I don’t think that necessarily helped me feel comfortable using the term aro to describe myself because i’m pretty confident i’m not ace but the more I looked into it the more stuff I found from people who were allosexual but aromantic. Anyway, I spent weeks just googling “aromantic” and seeing what came up  and rereading what i’d already read and resisting the fact that a lot of it fit me. Then I spent a while trying to find like a quiz or something that would just give me an answer. I found a few quizzes but all of them assumed at least one previous relationship so none of them were any use to me. But gradually I started feeling okay with calling myself aro. I think part of my hesitation was probably also because knowing I was aro didn’t feel like a solution it just felt my damage had a name. The other part is that romantic attraction is not easy to define which makes it hard to identify if you feel it or not so the part of me that wanted to be Normal kept being like ‘well if you dont know you cant call yourself aro’. But I thought about it a lot and I read any aro related post that crossed by dash and then ventured into the tumblr tag and found some helpful discussion stuff in there and then I started calling myself aro just quietly, only in my own head. It took a long time before I felt okay admitting that I was aro on my own blog but obviously i got there in the end lmao. That friend, the one who got engaged, he’s the only person i’ve told irl though. 

as to your second question....

I don’t think I feel romantic attraction. Truthfully, as i said before, it’s hard to know for certain and there is a possibility that i could form a romantic attraction to someone one day but i think it’s very unlikely. Other forms of attraction are different though. I can be attracted to people physically and sexually. And I think I could possibly be attracted to people in a platonic “man i’d really like to be their friend” kind of way though it doesnt come up very much because im not really one to like meet people. I like my own company. 

But i’ve never really acted on any sort of attraction or feelings for others. I was definitely attracted to CMT but I never acted on it because it seemed like too much work. The was a guy who worked at a pop culture collectables shop a few years ago who i thought was very cute and I did contemplate asking him out but it just never felt like a real option and I sort of just ignored it until he left the job. So yeah I guess I do get some sorts of feelings and then choose not to do anything with them, but they aren’t romantic feelings. But like right now I’ve got no interest in anyone (apart from ben and roger but i guess they dont really count lmao). None of the teachers at work interest me and i havent met anyone else recently and it really isnt bothering me. Theres a guy in IT who i could possibly see myself fawning over a bit cause he’s handsome and has an unusual accent but he’s got the same name as my brother so i’ve already ruled him out as a no go lmao. 

Anyway, hopefully that answered your questions! If there’s anything else you want to know or you’d like me to try and explain something more fully my inbox is always open!

[mr-kamiyama]

A Word for Zoomers Who're Told They're "Making Up" Genders and Orientations.

I'm an Xer.

Well, actually I'm in that b.1977-85 throe where no two people can agree what I am. I'm Post Dankai Junior in the old country, but I was too old to be a kid for Pokémon, Harry Potter, I caught Digimon 02 during its premiere US run a rare Saturday the firm I worked at, that normally had Saturday hours, was closed. I met Windows Millennium Edition because a housemate, as back then, I'd realised I wanted to live with company, wanted to upgrade our computer to the newest version of Windows (and I promptly made AMVs using GIFs and lost them to the sands of time all before YouTube even existed) So that gives you an idea of my age.

I came out for the first time in high school. I came out as bi.

In Japan, transness, like here had different words we no longer use, but unlike here, wasn't a secret.

If I'd stayed in Japan just one more year, in '95 politician Kamikawa Aya began advocating on NHK for trans rights.

Maybe I'd've learned that transition *to* male and actual medical treatment like HRT to make that possible existed a whole lot sooner.

But I didn't. And so, I didn't realise it was actually something I could *do* and I wasn't doomed to be stuck until about 2010.

I claimed "bi" in the '90s, and mistook "you're a really cool person and really nice to me when few people are and so I really like you in a platonic sense" +aesthetic attraction for crushes of a romantic and sexual nature.

The SAM model was developed by bi people in the '70s, but where and when I was, there weren't exactly highly visible LGBT centres where I could learn this. So I thought any orientation had to be "x-sexual"

And I only knew about straight, gay/lesbian, and bi.

Which, the term "laaaaaaaabelllls" was coined by biphobic people my age. See, we weren't like people today, who literally can't live because of unfettered crony capitalism. You could get a nice studio on the nice side of town for eight days' work at minimum wage (of course, being POC, you had to find the right realtor), which back then was under four dollars an hour. You could get a 2br/1.5ba rowhouse for about two weeks' worth, which is half a month, but these days, that much work will get you a barely-studio in shoot-you-in-the-face-in-broad-daylight territory.

But we were still plenty suspicious of marketing. So queerphobic Xers went "don't make me acknowledge your filthy non-mono sexuality! What if I told you naming what you are is dehumanising, like labelling a jar of mayo, and you're the product!"

Which is no different that queerphobic Millennials claiming "Queer is a slur uwu call it gay because cisgay and cishet are the only valid IDs uwu Gay has never ever been used as a pejorative uwu"

Which is also bunk because back in the '90s, if one young man did ANYTHING another didn't like, the other one could call it and him "gaaayyy" and that would be a homophobic attack via toxic masculinity on the first young man. Heck, I don't listen to much grunge, though I did at the time, but it's used this way in some Nirvana song. I just can't remember which one.

Anyway, so I claimed bi and spent the next 23 or so years fighting for it even against physical violence to make me claim something in the false straight/gay binary

All along, I thought "the mushy stuff squicks me because I'm a guy (insert ways I justified things before I realised that yes, I actually am male for prior to 2010)" which, yeah, I'm still sorting through the myriad manifestations of toxic masculinity and learning to spot them. What that actually is is romance repulsion.

I'm actually aroace.

To go further, I actually have very strong platonic affection feelings, and "idemromantic" is not necessarily my actual identity, but that, and at least some idea, if even wrong, that the other party was interested, was how I sorted whether I should approach the other person as "friend" or "potential partner" subconsciously.

Plus to further complicate things, I'm sex-favourable ace/cupiosexual, which meant that just hearing limited definitions of things like sex repulsion in aces didn't clue me in. It wasn't until discussing what sexual attraction was with a newly-realised gay first wave Xer last year that I realised I had no idea what that was and had never felt it, and was therefore asexual. Which after the discussion with that guy, I dove into readings by you all on Tumbler first.

And I only realised I'm aromantic last month, though I've been questioning for actually a year this month.

Now, I'd say my aesthetic attraction is definitely bi, and yes, I accept the redefinition made with the info we have now of two or more genders including your own" which *I read* as "but not necessarily all genders, and perceived gender is a factor" whereas pan seems to me like "perceived gender is not a factor in attraction" ??

Now, I still actually don't have an idea about my potential aesthetic feelings towards people who present NB. The men and women I feel it towards tend to have this or that decidedly masculine or feminine traits, and I may never, because people my age are less likely to come out.

Whether orientation or gender, people my age are products of a very binary 20th century. We were really all sorts of shape pegs, but many of us were and still are dodecahedrons and whatnot with choices of only square, circle, and mayyybe triangle holes.

Naturally, the dodecahedrons and the hexagons all tried to jam themselves in circle and square holes, whichever ones it looked like we could maybe wedge into.

This means plenty of us are going around thinking things like "I guess I don't like sex because I'm a woman" or "I guess I don't like the mushy stuff because I'm a man" or "I don't feel female so I guess I'm a man because I'm AMAB and that's all I got" etc.

Those most likely to come out are those with very strong NB/aro/ace feelings WHO BECOME INFORMED. And some may still not, or those with feelings they can't sort, because they've lived so long the previous way, they may at least feel they have too much to lose.

There's also people like me that need a lot of info to realise they were misreading their own feelings due to decades of amatonormative/heteronormative/binarist/toxic masculine brainwashing.

(I still don't like the term "toxic masculine" because I really want a term where we have more room to redefine "masculine" as decidedly masculine but wholly without the toxic stuff that's so married to "manliness," room to reject that stuff and revision manliness, but whatever)

THE REASON OLDER GENERATIONS DON'T HAVE THIS STUFF IS NOT BECAUSE YOU'RE INVENTING IT. IT IS BECAUSE OUR TIME DIDN'T ACKNOWLEDGE IT.

Yes, I think it's funny imaging how lost you'd be trying to use an 8-track player, or a library card catalogue actually made of index cards.

And had I not miscarried in December 2003 and had a sixteen year old, I'd have had them set up the internet TV device I got instead of three hours barely restraining myself from breaking it into pieces just like I was the only one who was able to figure out how to set the VCR clock and VCR+ timers when we got one when I was young. Which my difficulty with this stuff is more like a Boomer than an Xer. Most of my peers are pretty savvy. Sometimes my friends can tele-help me.

And I think new music,which I define as post-Y2K, stinks.

So I'm not hip and new. Plenty about me is just like your parents.

But no, you aren't making this up. And you're informing a lot of us. You're waking us up to how truly diverse humanity is. You're waking some of us up to who we really are.

And as for those of you who have crummy and even Karen parents, two things:

A. The Latino kids took me and the other Asian in in high school. There aren't many Asians in FL. (The "Another Chinese Family" bit on Fresh Off The Boat is so real) There are definitely some crummy Xers out there, and that's been true all along. There was even a right-wing youth org called "young republicans." There were Regean-loving racist queerphobes all along. They made my life miserable in high school, too.

B. There are also others like me that believe in you. That actually need you. You're bringing *back* a diversity that was smothered by colonial Europe. Historical precedent is actually on your side.

Thank you. I mean it. You're doing good, you're legit, and there are a lot of us who believe in you, too.

[ask-the-clergy-bc]

Heyo! I love your blog immensely and all you do for the fandom 🖤 Here's an ask I don't think I've ever seen. What would the papas + copia think of someone who was aromantic but still wanted to be in a qpr (queerplatonic relationship) w them? (which can also include sex, just not romance) I myself am aro and always a lil insecure, worried that a partner would think less of me or be disinterested bc I'm not into romance, tho I still care deeply and am attracted to them. Thanks so much!

Oh my gosh, thank you for the kind words!! TToTT They keep me going when I write and is always so much appreciated!! 

This is my first time, admittedly, writing for an aromantic reader/QPR so I hope I do it justice! Any feedback is always appreciated and helps me write better in the future! :) 

Papa Nihil: Nihil has had a lot of platonic relationships in his life, believe it or not. He’s never known that there was actually a name for it, but he’s had many previous partners that’s he’s loved the same way. Romance is very nice for him, but that’s not the only type of love to be had! Nihil is happy to be in a QPR and doesn’t really put too much thought into it. The only time he worries is times if you felt insecure about it in any way. He knows people like to pressure others into ‘officially dating’ or defining your relationship to fit ‘normal’ labels. Nihil just wants you to know he loves you very deeply and cares for you, other people don’t have to understand (it’s not their business anyway.) 

Papa I: When you both talk about wanting to be in this type of relationship with him, Papa just clicks his tongue in small delight. So there IS a name for this type of relationship? He never knew it had a term! If he was honest, this is one of his preferred dynamics with partners and he is just delighted to find someone who feels the same. Papa has always been far more interested in deeper emotional and intellectual connections for himself, personally- romance and sex usually just accompany these things and he only really uses both for bonding when a partner needs it. He is more than happy to have a QPR and finds it frees you both without having to slap any romantic labels onto it! So long as you two can continue to spend time together and be supportive to one another, he will be very happy. As long as you two can be committed and comfortable that’s all that matters. 

Papa II: It’s not very often Papa lets anyone close enough to him to form any sort of deep connecting relationship- romantic or other. So he was never very concerned about the romantic (or there lack of) side of what you two have. Papa has always been very stoic and cold to others. Knowing you want to just be close to him for ... him is rather odd. Papa is used to having many clamor for his attentions, mostly sexually and not because they want to get to know the real him. It’s nice to have such a strong connection with you, who actually cares for him and vice versa. Papa has not had many he confides in the way he does with you, nor do many get to see his more vulnerable side. He might have interest in engaging with you physically, but he’s always really good about your boundaries romantically. 

Papa III: Papa is mostly taken aback. Not because you are Aro or want this type of relationship. But because so many people WANT heavily romantic and romanticized relationships with him he’s used to people just EXPECTING heavy romance. In all honesty, the fact you just want him without all of those things is a huge weight off his shoulders. Papa adores that you both can just... be together. In fact, this is the kind of intimacy he realizes he’s been craving for years. It’s nice for both of you to just care and support each other without having to do a difficult dance. You both just care about and love each other, that’s it. The only problem that might ever come up is when Papa misses romantic interactions or finds himself romantically attracted to you or others- especially if it’s not open for other partners. Papa cares about you and doesn’t want to ever put any pressure on you with his own needs. But that’s nothing open communication between you two can’t help!  

Cardinal Copia: There have been a lot of times Copia just does not want a romantic relationship, himself. He is capable and can very much be romantically attracted to people, but he finds romantic relationships VERY draining. It’s a relief for him when you two get close because he’s finally found someone with similar feelings. Copia very much prefers intimate and emotional connections in a relationship- he doesn’t need romance to survive. He might be a little cautious around you with certain gestures as to not make you uncomfortable- but that’s less about you being aro as much as it is Copia always being paranoid about scaring people off or stepping on boundaries. He’s not going to say no to platonic physical intimacy and hopes you would like the same. It;s nice to be able to trust someone enough to spoon at night and you both be comfortable and not get worried about if your relationship is forced to be ‘more’. 

[corelliaxdreaming]

ace and aro asks!! 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 9, 11, 12, 14, 15, 17, 21, 22, 25, 26, 27, 29, 30, 31 (but it can't be me :P )

1. How do you define asexuality for yourself? In general, as someone who doesn’t feel sexual attraction in a “common” way. For myself, I’m specifically gray asexual - a label which for me means I haven’t felt that attraction strongly/often/if at all in the past, but I’m open the possibility were it to come to me, as well as being positive toward sexual content in fiction.

2. How do you define aromanticism for yourself? Literally same as everything above, just replace “sex” with “romance.” :)

3. What do you feel about the word “queer”? I’m comfortable using it for myself.

4. Are you asexual? Yep, specifically gray.

5. Are you aromantic? Yep, specifically gray, again.

6. When did you discover your identity? Just within the last seven months or so, so it’s very new and still a little ongoing.

7. What does platonic love mean to you? Love that doesn’t involve romance. I think the strict definition is that it can still involve sex, but for me I don’t think it would.

9. What is something you wish more people understood about your identity? QPRs! It’s definitely not well known at all.

11. What is the nicest thing about being asexual and/or aromantic? Literally just the reinforcement that not having a relationship is okay, and that other things can be important to you and be the focus of your life.

12. What is the hardest thing about being asexual and/or aromantic? Coming out, especially having to explain what everything means, has been hard, but I’m still glad I did it.

14. Are you still figuring out your identity? If so, what is that process like? Right now something that’s in the back of my mind is whether I should identify as “aroace” or “gray aroaco.” Aroace feels accurate since I don’t think I’ve felt any of those attractions before and don’t know if I will, but since I’ve very positive about both it feels like shutting a door I don’t want to, which makes gray feel better, even if the way I define it for myself isn’t necessarily how most might.

15. You’re awesome! Thank you! ^_^

17. You’re LGBTQA! Sure am! (Let’s put the I, P, and + in there, too, though, yeah?)

21. Asexual headcanons? If I list them all, we’ll be here all day, but one that sticks is ace Cal Kestis. I feel in love with Cal right when I was starting to question, and it was easy to explore this identity by putting it on him, and it’s in the background of many fics/headcanons I have about him.

22. Aromantic headcanons? Ditto for having so many at this point, but the one that’s really been on my mind recently is Tycho being aromantic after dealing with Hanahaki disease, as I wrote in my latest big bang fic.

25. Do you want to get married someday? It’s not necessarily a want, and at this point I doubt I will, but I could see it happening if I were to meet someone I had that strong romantic connection with.

26. Do you want to have children someday? I really don’t at the moment - I’m not financially or emotionally stable enough - and I think I’m kinda reaching the end of the point where I’d be able to have them naturally anyway. There are other options of course, but if I did, I’d want to have them in the context of a romantic marriage, I think, which, see above.

27. Dogs? The main goal is cat, but I would absolutely not say no to a doggo of my own. <3

29. What is something you long to see more of in the asexual and/or aromantic community? More of people just getting along and support each other. Please.

30. How important is it for your sexual and/or romantic orientation to be recognized? I guess it’s not *overly* important because it’s just one part of me, but it is an important part, so I like people to know.

31. Put something nice in someone’s inbox! Will do. :)