#'Wow I should have gone with Fiver'

[imagine-darksiders]

It's £30 for 6 hours of work and you still don't want to pay because 'on Fiver you could have gotten it way cheaper?'

All right. Pretend I'm your new boss at the office. I'm only going to pay you £5 an hour because that's what your time and effort is worth to me, okay? You should be grateful, I know people who would do this sort of work for much less than what you're asking for.

Keep your damn money, but I'm not giving you the art.

[thatdarncatchronicles]

That Darn Cat | Issue No. 3 | An Unexpected Party

Warnings | None

Rating | K+

Genres | Friendship, Family, Snark (it’s totally a genre)

Word Count | 1.5K

Summary: In which Selina catches Jim when he comes back from a date and gives him an unfair amount of grief. Cue milk theft, hot tips, and lots of blushing Jim.

"Evening, Detective."

Selina had to work hard to keep her neutral expression from cracking when Gordon jumped, still half-in, half-out of his coat, and whirled towards her. She settled for an unimpressed quirk of her eyebrow.

"Selina." Jim's mouth smiled, but his eyes were flat as untangled himself from his coat and hung it on a hook by the door. "Make yourself at home." His eyes swept over where she sat, cross-legged in the middle of his counter, and landed on the half-empty bottle of milk in her hands.

"Oh, don't worry. I have."

"So I see." He shook his head, dropping his keys on the counter. "Breaking and entering is illegal, Selina."

Selina feigned offense. "Whoa! Listen, I didn't break anything. The window was open."

"The window was not—we're on the fourth floor."

"And…?"

"How do you even know where I live?"

"I followed you." She threw back a gulp of milk.

His eyebrows shot up. "You followed me."

"You got bad ears or somethin'? That's what I said."

"Tonight?"

Selina could have sworn she saw him flush, just a little. Interesting. "Nah, a few nights ago. You work late, man. I always thought detectives were nine-to-fivers"

He flashed a bitter grin. "Yeah. So did I. Why did you follow me?"

"Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, Detective."

He squinted. "What the—what is that supposed to mean?"

She shrugged. "I dunno. Hey." Her head titled as she looked him up and down. "You look different. Spiffy. You have a meeting today, or something?"

Jim shot her a warning look as he loosened his tie.

Oh. Selina's eyes widened as a wicked grin spread across her face. "No. You were on a date."

Jim slung his suit jacket over his shoulder and headed to his room. His ears were definitely redder than they had been a second ago.

"You were, weren't you!"

The door clicked shut. Selina smirked.

He emerged again a few minutes later, minus tie and shoes, and padded to the kitchen without even glancing at her where she was now sprawled on the couch. She wiggled her eyebrows. "So...How'd it go?"

Jim grabbed a glass from the cupboard and placed it on the counter with a clatter before turning to open the fridge. He rooted around for a few seconds before he blinked, straightened, and slowly, deliberately pushed the door shut. His baleful gaze turned to rest on Selina for a long moment as she took another swig of milk.

Selina smothered her gratification and gave her head an innocent shake. "What?"

He sighed and replaced the glass. "Why are you here, Selina?"

"Hey! No changing the subject. I asked you first."

"What?"

She sat up and threw her hands in the air. "How. Was. Your. Date?"

Jim scoffed, shaking his head as he retrieved the glass and filled it with water instead. His ears were positively pink, now. "You're in my house, without permission, sitting on my couch, drinking my milk, and you want to know how my date went?"

"Fair's fair, Detective." She set the milk on the couch's wooden arm and crossed her arms, leaning back into the cushions. "I asked you first."

Jim made a face that Selina decided to refer to the "Really? Very mature" face. She tucked it away for potential future use and enjoyed his exasperated sigh as he ran a hand over his face and leaned back against the counter. His cheeks were pink, now, too. Oh, yes. Selina dug her heels in.

"Listen, man. Homeless kids ain't got TVs. We gotta get our entertainment somewhere." She gave an inward flinch. Bringing up the homelessness was a mistake. Fortunately, Jim seemed sufficiently annoyed by her persistence to ignore that part.

"Fine, fine. It was good."

She waited expectantly.

He didn't continue.

"Seriously? That's it? Details, my dude."

He rolled his eyes and gave a shrug that was probably supposed to look casual. "We had a good time. It was nice."

"Wow. You are really bad at this. I hope you're not this boring on your dates."

"My dates don't show up in my house uninvited and drink my milk."

"So that's what has you all bent outta shape! Look, man, if it's that big of a deal to you, here. Let me—" She grabbed the bottle up and popped the cap back on, holding it out to Jim as she licked away the residual mustache.

She savored the way his nose wrinkled. "No. Please. By all means, just…" He trailed off, waving his hand in dismissal.

"Suit yourself." She popped the cap off again. "So, are you gonna tell me about her? What's she like?"

"No one's taught you it's not polite to pry into other people's affairs, have they?"

"Who cares about polite? What's her name?"

It was Jim's turn to throw up his hands. "You know what? Alright. Fine. Her name is Lee. She's a doctor. She's kind, smart as they come, and has this smile that just...lights up her face."

Selina watched, wide-eyed, as Jim's expression transformed from deadpan to...worshipful. Gross.

"Lights up the whole room, really. She's great. She's nice. We ate pasta and had a nice time, even though I made a mess by leading with work-talk. I think it might actually—" Jim stopped abruptly, frowning as if surprised at his own speech.

"Wow." Selina shook her head. "Wow."

Jim grit his teeth. "What."

"Nothing, nothing. Just...Gotham's golden boy's got it bad."

The water in Jim's glass sloshed as he threw his arms out in exasperation. "This is only the second time we've gone out. I don't even know if it's gonna work, yet."

"Uh-huh. You were practically making heart eyes. I might puke."

"Yeah? The bathroom's that way. And I'm not Gotham's golden boy." He dragged a chair in front of the couch and straddled it, arms resting across the back. "Alright. Like you said—fair is fair. Why are you here?"

Selina pulled a rolled-up newspaper from her jacket and chucked it at him.

He caught it against his chest and unrolled it to read the headline. "Oh."

GOTHAM'S GOLDEN BOY VOWS TO TRACK DOWN ANACONDA KILLER.

"Yeah. Oh." Selina blew a curl out of her eyes. "You know, you really gotta stop doin' that."

Jim looked up from the article. "Doing what?"

"Oh, I don't know—telling serial killers you're after them? Why not just put a sign on your back that says, 'Snake food! Come and get it! Four out of five vets recommend me!'"

"Ah. Well, I appreciate your concern, but you don't need to worry about me. And I don't think you came here just to warn me off."

"Nah. I came here to tell you I know where he's holed up."

The reaction was instant. Jim leaned forward, eyes on her with a focus so intense, it was all she could do not to squirm. "Where is he?"

"Down, boy. Take it easy. There's an old apartment complex on my block. No one's been in it for years 'cause it looks like it'll topple like a Jenga tower if you so much as sneeze. Anywhere else, it would have been torn down ages ago, but—"

"—it's Gotham." Jim was standing now, searching around his desk and coming up with a pen and paper. "Address?"

He pulled out his phone and made a call, letting it ring as he jotted down the address she gave. "Harvey? We got a lead." He sighed, shoulders slumping a little. "I know. No, I know. I know, Harvey, but—Harvey. Harvey?" Jim made a face and flipped the phone closed. He stared down at it for a moment before shaking his head and darting back into his room. He returned less than a minute later, tie back in place, arms full of his holster, jacket, and shoes.

Selina sat up straighter. "Wait—you're going after him now?"

Jim looked at her as if he'd forgotten she was there. "Yeah."

"Even though your partner just told you he wasn't coming." At Jim's look, she continued. "No, I wasn't eavesdropping. It was fairly obvious what went down. So, this is why you always look like you haven't slept in a week. You actually don't sleep. It's all so clear now."

He shrugged into his holster, then his jacket, rolling his shoulders to settle them in place. "How'd you know where he was, anyway?"

"His snake got one of my cats."

Jim looked up from tying his shoes. "You saw it?"

"Ayup."

"You're lucky it didn't get you."

"Yeah, yeah. It's stupid to go in there alone. You should wait for your partner."

"I'll consider it." He waved the address in the air. "Thanks for the tip."

With that, he was out the door and Selina was left to listen to his hurried steps as they echoed down the stairs. She shook her head. Four flights. The fire escape was much faster. Draining the last of the milk, she stood, swung her legs over the windowsill, and leaped out into the Gotham night.

A/N: You’ll never guess what next issue is about!

If you said, “It’s about Jim and Selina going after the Anaconda Killer” you’re exactly right! Good job, you smart cookie.

So, I am currently recovering from typhoid, and my brain was super foggy when I wrote this one. So yeah. If it’s terrible, I blame the typhoid. :P

Follow @thatdarncatchronicles​ and #thatdarncat (no spaces!) to never miss an issue! Next issue up soon. :)

Oh! Also, you are doing great.Yes. You are doing great at life. And if you know you aren’t doing your best--no stress! There’s always tomorrow, and you’re growing and learning just like every other person on the face of the planet. Like me. And my 50 y/o father who told me the other day that he still just feels like he’s pretending to be an adult. He’s really good at it. You will be, too. This is all gibberish, but the point I’m trying to make is that as long as you’re doing just fabulously, and you’re on your way to doing even better. Remember to drink your water today. Hydration is important and makes your skin prettyful. Also, I love you. Peace out, gorgeous soul.

Issue No. 1 | Of Spaghetti and Sneezes:

https://thatdarncatchronicles.tumblr.com/post/620372790294528001/that-darn-cat-issue-no-1-of-spaghetti-and

Issue No. 2 | A Hint of Pesto Aioli:

https://thatdarncatchronicles.tumblr.com/post/620559916396052480/that-darn-cat-issue-no-2-a-hint-of-pesto

[not-a-space-alien]

Into the Unknown, Part 1:  Crowley’s Big Plans

Prologue | Dramatis Personae 

Series masterpost

On AO3

Force equals mass times acceleration.  This law of nature, elegant in its simplicity, the undeniable truth that big things go boom when they go fast, had been applied to everything from bullets to cannon balls to fists, from swords and rapiers and daggers and automobiles and rockets, trebuchets and boulders.

And it was currently being applied to a ball of polished stone rolling very fast, over and over, logo whizzing in and out of view in turn, down an aisle of slick wood.

Olivia’s bowling ball smacked straight into the lead pin with the force of something launched from a cannon, striking the formation with military precision. It sent the whole thing collapsing into an explosion of pins, which jiggled on the floor against each other as the arm came down to sweep them away.

From behind her, Oryss erupted into a cheer, accidentally knocking over her basket of nachos.

Olivia turned around, snapping her fingers and holding her arms aloft. “And that’s how it’s done, folks.”

“Wow,” said Crowley.  “I’ve never seen anyone bowl a perfect game before.”  He still hadn’t.  He hadn’t been watching Olivia bowl; he had been too busy setting everyone’s nicknames on the outdated computer system the bowling alley used to keep score.  Currently the lineup on their game was Snake Charmer Suprem,* King Puddinghead, Turkey Master, and Nachofingers.

*Not a typo.  There was a character limit.

“Marvelously done, dear girl,” said Aziraphale.

The bar moved down to highlight Nachofingers.  “You’re up, babe,” said Olivia, slapping Oryss on the back.

Oryss took a moment to use some hand-sanitizer before retrieving her bowling ball, sighting down it like a deadly weapon and flinging it with an air of utmost seriousness.

It plopped into the gutter, missing the pins entirely.

“Can we please play with the gutter rails up?” Oryss whined.

“Come on, you still have another shot,” said Crowley.  “I’m sure you’ll get a spare.”

Pouting, Oryss retrieved another bowling ball and rolled it down the lane, knocking over a measly two or three pins.

“You’re not even using the same ball each time!” Olivia said.  “How are you going to really feel it out, you know?  You’ve got to get the feel of the ball.”

“I feel like I’m going to smack you,” said Oryss.

They played one more game, much to the dismay of Aziraphale, who had mostly spent the last one chiding Crowley for changing the names on the displays of the lanes around them to silly things.  At Oryss’s insistence, they played with the gutter rails up this time. This resulted in the discovery that Oryss’s bowling strategy was mostly to just bounce the ball off the rails a bunch of times and hope it eventually rolled near the pins.

Olivia absolutely demolished the competition, and Crowley handed over the fiver he had promised her upon hearing the claim that she could get two perfect games in a row.

“Well, that was a lovely time,” said Aziraphale, letting the door to the bowling alley swing closed behind him.  

“How did you get so good at this?” said Crowley.

“I���ve had a lot of spare time since Heaven collapsed,” said Olivia. “Since we’re all basically unemployed now.  Finally feel like I have time for a hobby.  Haven’t you been doing anything different?  Now that Hell’s not breathing down your neck making sure you’re productive.”

I’ve never been productive in my life, Crowley thought, except maybe that one time with the M25.  And Manchester.  “Mostly just been watching Netflix.”

“Lazy.”

“I’ve earned it.”

Olivia shrugged.

“What would you prefer to do next?” said Aziraphale.  “You’re the guests after all.  It’s not every day you visit London, so we can do whatever you like.”

“There’s a stationery shop around the corner I wanted to check out,” said Olivia.

“A stationery shop?” said Aziraphale.

Olivia turned towards Crowley, and said with a painfully unsubtle wink, “Yep! I think you’d really like it, Aziraphale!  Oryss and Crowley would find it dreadful, though.”

Crowley winced and gave her a thumbs-up.

“Mmm-hmmm,” said Aziraphale.  “…All right, then.”

They walked down the sidewalk.  A familiar figure came whizzing towards them, with long brown hair streaming behind him.

“Why, it’s Adramelech!” said Aziraphale.

Adramelech rolled past them at top speed on a pair of rollerblades, gesturing grandly and beaming.  “Hi, Aziraphale!”

He whizzed away.  Sylvia appeared in his wake, struggling to stay upright on a pair of pink roller skates. “Hi, Aziraphale!”

“I didn’t realise you were in London!” said Aziraphale.

“Watch out, Botis is right behind me,” she said, rolling away.

“Huh—”

Aziraphale flinched backwards as Botis appeared, grinding along the guard rail beside them on a skateboard.  “Hello, sir!  See you later!”

“Uh,” said Aziraphale.

Finally, Kyleth came last in line.  She was jogging, the only one not outfitted with wheels.

“Kyleth, I didn’t know you were all in town,” said Aziraphale.  “What’s going on?”

“Just going on vacation!” said Kyleth cheerily, with an exaggerated wink at Crowley.

“All of you at once?  There’s a lot of familiar faces who normally live quite far away.”

“We have time to travel now,” said Kyleth.  “Anyway, see you!”

Oryss and Olivia continued on once the sidewalk was clear.  Aziraphale stood bewildered.  He pulled at Crowley’s sleeve.  “Crowley, dear, let me talk to you.”

Crowley stuck his hands in his pockets.  “Sure, sure.”

“It seems like an awful lot of our friends are in town all at once, without notice.”

“Yep,” said Crowley.

“If I didn’t know better, I’d say it looked like you were planning a surprise of some sort.”

Crowley pursed his lips.  “Good thing you do know better, then.  Shall we?”

Aziraphale looked hesitantly at Crowley’s proffered arm.  “Crowley, I—”

“Nothing going on.”

“This is because I made that comment about getting married, isn’t it?”

Aziraphale had made a comment a few weeks ago about how he had always fantasised about marrying Crowley.  The angel had immediately backpedaled, saying how since marriage was a sacrament of the church it only made sense Crowley wouldn’t like it, and how any event traditionally taking place in a church would surely feel inappropriate and uncomfortable for Crowley.  But Crowley had seen the desire on his face, and the flush of silly, embarrassed joy at the thought.

“Look,” said Aziraphale.  “I—I want you to be comfortable more than anything.  I would never wish for anything you didn’t want too, and—”

“I know, angel.”

“It would only be a token gesture at this point, anyway.  It isn’t necessary.”

“Few of the nice things in life are truly necessary.”

“It’s not as though—”

“Doesn’t mean we can’t have them.”

Nevertheless, Aziraphale’s face creased in worry.  “I would never ask you to do this just for me, Crowley, you know that, right?  Nothing so ceremonial and trite could change our relationship after everything we’ve been through together.”

“We have no reason to be afraid of a wedding now,” said Crowley.  “We’re surrounded by people who care about us, and everyone who hated us is gone.  The world is gentler now.”

“What a strange world we live in now,” said Aziraphale quietly.  “That an angel and a demon can get married, and invite both archangels and archdemons to the wedding without fear of repercussions.”

“An unfamiliar and foreign place and time,” said Crowley, offering his arm for Aziraphale to take.  In the distance, Olivia and Oryss beckoned them to come on.  “Shall we go off into the unknown, then?”

Aziraphale took his arm, and they strolled away.

“And besides,” said Crowley, a twinkle in his eye, “there’s nothing happening anyway.  We’re just out for a day of shopping with our friends from out of town.”

Aziraphale gave a wry smile.  “All right.”

“Here it is!” said Olivia, pointing excitedly to a shopfront that had very small windows such that anyone inside couldn’t see the sidewalk.  “Can’t you just smell the…paper?”

“It looks lovely,” said Aziraphale, obediently entering the shop.

Crowley waited till Aziraphale and Olivia had both disappeared into the shop, then he and Oryss ran off.

“First the jewelry shop,” said Crowley, “then the catering, then the flowers.”

“All right,” said Oryss.  “Olivia has a list of at least five shops she could drag Aziraphale through, so we should have at least two or three hours.”  She clapped her hands.  “Thank you so much for letting me be a bridesmaid, Crowley, I know the maid of honour normally helps with choosing the food and decorations and stuff but—”

“Yes, well, I think we both know Maltha wouldn’t be very naturally talented at picking out this sort of thing,” said Crowley.  “Though she would certainly try.”

Oryss giggled, bouncing a little.  “I can’t wait to see all the pretty flowers and try the different cakes—”

“All right, well, remember we’re only picking out things for the engagement party right now, not the wedding itself.  We’re not getting a wedding cake yet.”

Oryss nodded, but still bounced with excitement.

The jeweler’s was the first stop.  They spent an entire one of their two to three hours in the shop, and Oryss was considerably less happy coming out than she had been going in.

“Rubbish,” Crowley muttered.  

“None of them?” she said, frustrated.  “Really?  None of them?”

“It has to be perfect,” said Crowley.  “I don’t want to propose to Aziraphale with just any old ring.  It needs to be…special. Like he is.”

Oryss wanted to tell him that while Aziraphale was nice, he wasn’t nearly special enough that none of the rings in the finest jewelry shop in London were good enough for him.  But she thought better of it.  “Okay. That’s fine.  We can come back to this later.  Let’s go focus on the catering for now.”

They spent the second hour of their two to three hours at the catering shop, and they both walked out just as unhappy, but this time it was Oryss glowering.

“Come on, Oryss.”

“Out of all the things you Brits stole from Africa, you think you could have at least stolen some decent food.”

“It’s not that bad.”

Oryss twisted her face.

“Do you want to cook, then?”

Oryss seemed to seriously consider it for a moment, and Crowley rushed to add, “That was rhetoric.  I don’t expect you to cook for ninety-six people.”

“Why is it you care so much about what Aziraphale wears on his finger but not what he eats?  He likes eating.  I don’t think he’s ever expressed much interest in jewelry.”

“It’s—It’s—symbolic of—nevermind.  Look, it’s a picnic.  We’ll be at a park.  We just need some finger foods.”

“Let’s come back to this, too,” said Oryss, who had an unfortunate habit of simply pushing difficult things off to think about at a later time, when she was older and wiser.

“All right.  Flowers are next.”

Oryss licked her lips.

“Oh, so that food isn’t good enough, but flowers are acceptable catering?”

“Don’t knock it till you try it.  Ahh!”

This last bit was prompted by the sudden appearance of a hellish figure towering over them, stepping out of a swarm of flies.  Oryss and Crowley both jumped a little, then relaxed.

“Oh, h-hi, Beelzebub,” said Crowley.

“What brings you up here?” said Oryss.

Beelzebub held a small package with a note attached to it.  “King Noah haz zent me up to deliver thiz,” he buzzed. “He regretz greatly that he will be unable to attend the event to which you kindly invited him, and zent thiz in hiz ztead.”

“Oh,” said Crowley.  “That’s all right.  I know he’s busy.  Does he still intend to come to the wedding itself, though?”

“Yez, he haz zworn to attend.”

“All right.”

Beelzebub handed him the package.

“Thanks.”

Beelzebub inclined his head, then stepped back and faded into the shadows.

“Huh,” said Crowley, hefting the package in his hand.  “I think that’s the first time Beelzebub has addressed me respectfully without putting up a fuss.”

“I’ve heard the archdemons are all getting along well with Noah’s new rules,” said Oryss.  “Even Dagon.”

Crowley grimaced.  Dagon had been the one to deliver him to Satan for torture, and Crowley had never had any pleasant interactions with him.  Regardless of how much Noah reformed Hell’s higher-ups, he still felt just a little uneasy around them.

Not that he had much reason to, though.  He trusted Noah’s judgement absolutely.  He had grown up to be far wiser than Crowley could have imagined.

But still.

“I wonder what’s inside it!” said Oryss, looking like she wanted to tear the package open herself.

Crowley carefully removed the note and read it.

Crowley,

I’m so delighted to hear of your and Aziraphale’s engagement.  Forgive me for not attending the engagement party, but I’m needed down here.  I will be at the wedding, come Hell or high water. In the meantime, please accept this. I think you will like them, but don’t feel obligated to use them if you have already found a suitable ring.  I found them in Hell’s treasury and thought of you; use them however you wish.  They also have a special enchantment on them called the Lover’s Charm. When you activate it, no matter the distance separating you, you’ll know you’re with each other.  The charm takes twelve hours to charge up but otherwise can be used however you want.  Enjoy.

-King Noah, Lord of etc. etc.

Crowley suppressed his excitement at the word ring and dutifully read the rest of the letter before unwrapping the gift wrap.

The package was a satchel containing two velvet ring boxes.  The black one opened to reveal a handsome silver ring set with onyx and, in the center, a deep red garnet.  The white one contained a gold ring garnished with diamonds and a clear sky-blue lapis lazuli.  They both had an occult sigil of some sort set in the base, pulsing very faintly with a minor charm.

Crowley’s eyes began to water.

“Crowley?” said Oryss.  “Are you all right?”

“Yeah,” said Crowley, choked up.  “Just glad I didn’t settle for that diamond back in the shop.”

****************************

“You didn’t say ‘Uno.’”

Uriel’s eyes drifted uncomprehendingly towards Beth’s hand, which tapped the deck of cards sitting on the coffee table.  “What?”

Beth sighed.  “You have one card left, but you didn’t say ‘Uno.’”

Uriel looked at her card, which was very clearly and visibly to everyone in the room a green six.  “Why do I have to say ‘Uno’?”

“That’s the law of the land here in Beth’s house,” said Maltha.  She was stretched languidly out on the carpet with her chin on the coffee table, looking morosely at her enormous stack of cards.  She knew vaguely this meant she was losing, but she wasn’t entirely sure how.

“It’s just the rule of the game,” said Beth.  “When you have one card left, if you don’t say ‘Uno,’ another player can make you take two cards.”

Uriel furrowed her brow.  “And what if I refuse?”

Beth hid her expression with the meat of her hand.  “Then that’s cheating.  Look, just take two cards.  I’m sure you’ll get the hang of it if we play a few more rounds.”

Uriel took two cards.

“All right,” said Beth. “My turn.”

She put down a reverse card.

“Now it’s your turn again, Uriel.”

“I just went,” Uriel cried.  “I thought it was my turn after Maltha!”

“I just played a reverse card,” Beth explained.  “So now we’re going the other way.”

“Um,” said Uriel.  “Okay.”  She put down a card.

“You can’t play that.  Your card has to be either the same colour, or the same number as this one.”

Uriel put a six on top of the proffered nine, upside-down.

“I guess that counts,” said Beth.  “Now Maltha goes.”

“I thought it was your turn to go,” said Maltha tiredly.

“I played a—Look, it’s your turn, okay?”

Maltha drew a card.  Then she drew another.  Then another.

“I’m not sure you understand the point of the game,” said Beth.  “You’re supposed to get rid of all your cards.”

“But why?” said Maltha.  “I have the biggest stack.  I’ve hoarded more resources.  I have the most power.”

Beth put her deck down and sighed.  “Why this?  Why is it Uno?  I have yet to meet a single angel or demon that can play Uno properly.  We’re not even using any house rules.”

“The thing about saying ‘Uno’ is a house rule,” said Maltha.

“That’s not a house rule.”

“But it’s the rule in your house.”

Aggravated, Beth made a motion like she were going to strangle Maltha. She was interrupted by the intercom buzzing.

Beth walked over and pushed the button for the intercom.  “Yoo-hoo,” came the voice from the tinny speaker.  “It’s Adramelech, just dropping by for a quick chat.”

“Hey!” said Beth.  “Come on up.”

“You have a package here; I’ll bring it up for you.”

“Thanks!”

Beth went and unlocked the door, and Adramelech came in gesturing grandly. “Beth, darling, I—Oh, I really must be going, would you look at the time.”

The shift in tone was sudden and prompted by Adramelech noticing Uriel sitting on the sofa.  Adramelech pulled a U-turn back out the front door.

“Adramelech, wait,” said Beth, pulling his arm.  “You just got here.  Don’t be silly.”

She took the package from him and set it on the counter.  “Ah-ha-ha, of course,” Adramelech said, masking his unhappiness very poorly.

“Do you not want to be here with Uriel here?” said Beth.

Adramelech didn’t answer, pursing his lip.

“She’s changed,” said Maltha.

“So I’ve heard,” Adramelech said sourly.

“She’s right, you know,” said Beth.  “You should give her a chance.”

The shimmering feathers on Adramelech’s head rose.

Uriel stood, smoothing out her dress.  “Adramelech, was it?”

Adramelech nodded.

“I shall apologise to you.”

“What for?”

“I owe every demon an apology.”

“Ah,” said Adramelech.  “Thanks. But, well, listen, I know it’s on good authority that you’ve turned over a new leaf.  But all the same, if you don’t mind, I’d rather not hang around you.”

Uriel deflated.  “Oh.”

Beth looked supremely disappointed.  Adramelech winced and backed towards the door.

“I suppose that’s fair,” said Uriel.  “I wish you well.”

“Thanks,” said Adramelech coldly.  “We can talk on the phone later, Beth.”

He exited.  “Hmph,” said Beth, shutting the door behind him.  “What an utter killjoy.”

“He is slow to trust,” said Maltha.  “As a general rule.  I do not blame him.  It’s a healthy fear, even though most demons seems to be growing out of it since Noah took the throne.”

Beth nodded.  “Yeah. Like poor Crowley, he’s always been an anxious mess, but he seems like he’s doing really well now.”

Maltha nodded.

“Oh, the package,” said Beth.  “It must be the cufflinks.”

“Cufflinks?” said Uriel.

“I ordered them online,” said Beth, tearing the package open.  “They’re adorable—shaped like little angel wings. I got a pair for Aziraphale and one for Crowley.  I know they said not to bring presents to the engagement party, but I figured, eh, I could give it to them at the wedding at least.”

Uriel looked up sharply.  “Engagement party?”

“You knew Aziraphale and Crowley were getting engaged,” said Maltha. “Didn’t you?  That’s why everyone’s in town.”

“Well, yes, but….”  She twiddled her thumbs.  “I didn’t know there was a party.”

Beth grimaced.  “Oh. They didn’t invite you, then…?”

“No.”

Maltha shuffled her cards.  Beth cleared her throat.

“I don’t suppose I blame them,” said Uriel.  “Though it’d be a lie to say I’m not disappointed.”

“I thought with Maltha’s reports on how well you were doing, surely they’d invite you,” said Beth.  “But I guess not.  I’m sorry.”

“Would it still be polite to get a gift?”

“I suppose,” said Maltha.

“Hmm,” said Uriel.  She reached into her purse sitting on the floor; it was a cream-coloured shoulder bag, which Beth had got her, and in which she kept a number of interesting things she thought would be fun.  It was Maltha who had given her the assignment to fill it with things that were purely for enjoyment, and so it was now filled with odd knickknacks one didn’t usually find in purses.

Her hands ran along one such item, which was purple, and long, and thin, and pointed.

 **************************************

“Thanks again, Oryss.”

She pulled back from their hug, patting him on the back.  “Of course.  Just let me know if you need anything else.  I’ll be in town until the Tuesday after the party.”

“Great.”

She exited with a tinkle of the shop bell.  That left Crowley to hide his purchases, and to especially stash the rings somewhere where Aziraphale wouldn’t see them.  

He held the two ring boxes, one in each hand.  Part of him wanted to simply keep them in his pocket so he didn’t have to let go of them.

But that wouldn’t do.  He had to find somewhere to keep them where Aziraphale couldn’t find them.

Still holding the two boxes, brow furrowed in concentration, he marched out into the shop.

“Hello.”

Crowley jumped straight into the air, dropping both boxes, at the voice. “Oh, ah…”  He ran his hands nervously down the front of his suit. “Oh.”

Uriel had come into the shop, staring at him with her hands crossed in front of her.  He was a little alarmed by the huge spikes in her hands, until he realised they were large knitting needles.  They were neon purple and still had a bit of yarn spun around them.

Crowley knelt and retrieved the two velvet boxes from the floor.  “Oh, um, hi, Uriel…”

“I heard about your plan to propose,” said Uriel, with unsettling quietness.

Crowley was still on his knees to scoop up the white box from under the counter, leaving Uriel to loom over him.  It made him uncomfortable, and he stood and brushed himself off as soon as he realised.  “Yeah?” he said, with a tinge of nervousness.

Uriel held out a misshapen piece of fabric.  “I made this for you.”

It was a hat, Crowley realised.  A frankly rather shoddily-constructed and ugly hat, but a knitted hat nonetheless.

“As a congratulations gift,” said Uriel.

“Oh, th-thanks,” said Crowley, taking the hat.  The fabric felt like it wouldn’t be very comfortable on his head, but he pulled it on anyway.  He suspected he looked ridiculous.  “Did you make it yourself?”

The needles in Uriel’s hands clacked against each other.  “Yes.  Maltha suggested I should take up a hobby.  To relieve tension.”

“How long have you been working at it, then?”

Uriel looked at the needles with an unreadable expression.  “Four years.  I haven’t gotten any better at it.”

“Oh,” said Crowley.

They both just stood there for a moment.

“How’s Metatron?” Crowley asked.

“They and I do not talk much anymore,” said Uriel, sounding very subdued. “They mostly stay in Heaven.”

“Ah.  Um…so how are you doing, then?”

“Not bad,” said Uriel.  “Questioning is still scary, but it’s more manageable now.  Maltha and I have spent a lot of time together.  She is a very good friend.  Beth, too, which I didn’t expect from a human.”

They stood in awkward silence again.  Crowley cleared his throat.  “Um, not to be rude, but I was kind of…I was in the middle of…”

“Oh, right,” said Uriel.  “I just came to give you the hat.  I hope you enjoy it.”

“Thanks, I will.”  The coat closet would, at least.

The bell tinkled as Uriel opened the shop door.  She turned back to him briefly.  “I wish you and Aziraphale all the happiness in the world.  You deserve it.”

“Thanks,” said Crowley, almost shocked by such sentiment from Uriel, of all people.  “Oh, um…”

“Yes?”

“Is anyone teaching you how to knit, or…?”

“No, I’m mostly working by myself.”

Crowley dug in the section of the bookshop where Aziraphale filed his arts and crafts books, pulling out a basic knitting book with very large and clear illustrations.  “Here, this might help you.  You can have it. Aziraphale will never know it’s gone.”

Uriel took it, her facial expression remaining melancholy. “Thanks, Crowley.”

She left him alone in the bookshop, and Crowley watched through the shopfront as she descended the stairs to catch the tube.

Aziraphale appeared in the window in font of his nose, looking unsettled. He cracked the door open.  “Is everything all right?  I just saw Uriel leaving.”

“Yeah,” said Crowley.  “Nothing to worry about.  She was just offering her congratulations.”  He almost said condolences, based on her tone, though she didn’t appear to bear them any ill will.

Aziraphale shut the door behind him.  “She’s not nearly as horrible as she used to be.”

“Yeah,” said Crowley.  He suddenly had a realisation and moved to swipe the two ring boxes, sitting out on the counter, out of Aziraphale’s line of sight.

“What’s that?” said Aziraphale.

“Nothing at all,” said Crowley.

“Not rings, is it?”

“Of course not,” said Crowley.  He was a good liar as a rule, but not even Aziraphale swallowed this one.

“Interesting, because those boxes had the jeweler’s logo on them.”

“Hmm, weird for a box that doesn’t have a ring in it.”

“Indeed.”

“What would I even have a ring for?”

“Some human cultures, including the one we currently live in, use them as matrimonial symbols.”

“Mmm,” said Crowley.  “Interesting. I’ll write that down in case I need to use it in the future.”

Aziraphale smiled and kissed him on the cheek.  “You old silly.”

Crowley beamed.  “Hey, you don’t have anything planned for Saturday, do you?”

Aziraphale shrugged.  “No.”

“Yes, you do now.”

Aziraphale grinned.  “It’s a date, then.”

[punkscowardschampions]

Janis & Grace

Janis: what are you up to rn Grace: UM why? Janis: 'cos we can't find Cass and can't take the kid on the decent rides, will you just stand with him for a minute Grace: oh Grace: yeah sure Janis: cheers Janis: give you some cash, he likes the easy shit Grace: OMG don't even mention it Grace: or like worry about it cos I'm not trying to break a nail rn Janis: you've gotta entertain him somehow Grace: Duh Grace: but that's not with waltzers and rollercoasters babes Janis: I've just said he can't come with Janis: we're talking coconut shy level, Grace Grace: & I'm saying I know what I'm doing Janis: well don't fuck it up please Janis: call if he gets too worked up he's shy Grace: obvs! just go Janis: it's serious Janis: and you haven't said where you are Grace: I'm being serious Grace: I'll meet you at the sweet stand Janis: 👍 Grace: 👌👌👌 Grace: [shows up with a very unimpressed lad in tow] Janis: [just such a withering look like who the fuck are you] Grace: [does not intro him and is just intro-ing herself to Bobby and it's cute] Janis: [just in the background letting Jimmy do what he need to do but lowkey trying to walk away like bye] Grace: [it's fine girl we know Grace has got this] Janis: [ahh when you can't stand to be around her for literally five seconds] Grace: [me when Trace is on one] Janis: [go have fun] Grace: is he allowed any more 🍬🍩🍭??? Grace: he says he's had NONE but I know when a boy is feeding me a line 😂 Janis: try and make him have a hot dog or some chips first Janis: if not he'll be 🤢 Grace: me too tbh Janis: such a good influence, like Grace: I'm sorry that my date is a feeder or something 😱😱😱 Grace: does not take no for an answer Janis: bodes well Grace: UGH IKR 🙄🙄🙄 Grace: he's in a mood cos I got 💋 on him earlier like ?? excuse me Grace: I don't have my own makeup line yet, boy Janis: it is grim when you've used a cup Janis: like a crime scene Grace: OMG don't be on his side! Grace: he wouldn't be complaining if it was anywhere but his face Janis: behave Janis: shits probably harder to wash off that herpes Grace: EW Janis: you said it Grace: I literally did not Janis: you did Janis: don't need to hear about you lipsing anyone Grace: Okay hun that makes no sense Grace: if it had staying power it wouldn't have transferred and he wouldn't be 😣😣😣 Grace: & I wouldn't have to go hard on 🍬🍩🍭 to show him my chill vibe or whatever Grace: so #notlikeothergirls & so annoying Janis: what's any of that got to do with me Grace: 🙄🙄 Janis: you talk for the sake of it Janis: talk to your shit date, not me Grace: sure Grace: laters, babes Janis: 👍 Grace: 👋 Janis: [later than you were probably expecting, like] Janis: k where are you Grace: bumper cars Grace: there's a line but we're basically at the front of it now 🙏🙏 Janis: cool we'll jump it Grace: you can take my place, these are NOT driving shoes Janis: babe, you just steer Grace: really!?? Janis: yes 😂 Janis: how do you not know that Grace: Oh thank god! Grace: idk I've never been on them Janis: how is that possible Janis: maybe you should go in with your lad, let Jim take Bobs Grace: Before this date I haven't been to the fair since I was younger than Bobby so Grace: Oh please, he's long gone Grace: Your boy can if he wants to though, that'd be cute Janis: sure, too many sights and smells, can't control her gag reflex when she's abused it that hard Janis: oh, soz Grace: 🙄🙄 not everything I do is with Mia, thank you Grace: & no you're not, babes Janis: pretty much since you were a bit older than him, maybe Janis: well not really but can't blame him Janis: didn't reckon on you bringing a child so Grace: do you see her rn? obvs not Grace: 🤷🤷 if he wants to say that's the reason Janis: can't really bring your missus on a date Janis: got to have some boundaries Grace: can you STOP Janis: what Janis: I said soz, make Jimmy buy you a drink or something Grace: I don't want a drink Grace: I'm gonna have to work out tomorrow Janis: well can you not just take it Janis: you don't need paying but he'll wanna do something so Grace: He knows my coffee order Grace: I'll make time to go Janis: k good Grace: He's a cute kid, I don't even need anything Janis: that just makes you sound like a child snatcher so keep that hush Grace: you're ridiculous Janis: am i Grace: Duh Janis: 👌 Grace: Whatever, I've said my goodbyes so 👋 too Janis: cheers Janis: later Grace: Any message for mum and dad? Janis: lol that's a good idea Grace: I obvs meant about where you'll be or when you'll be back Grace: but 👌👌👌 Janis: that's even stupider then, ain't it Grace: mhmm Grace: my bad, hun Janis: don't mention it Janis: not the easiest mistake to make but 🤷🤷 Grace: 🤷🤷🤷🤷 Grace: I'm so over it Grace: you too, I'm sure Janis: if they're still acting like they don't have answers to either of those questions, I can imagine Janis: could always repurpose my message for yourself Grace: if I wasn't going straight home but tragically Janis: what difference does that make Janis: can still tell them to fuck off Grace: not before dad picks me up thanks Grace: it's not like that boy will be doing a U turn now I'm Bobby free Janis: lol no way he was 17 Janis: looked 12 Janis: and he still would, he's a fucking pushover Grace: he's 19 Janis: so a nonce Janis: cool Grace: You're literally OBSESSED Grace: first I'm a child snatcher then he is Janis: that's literally the definition Janis: you're a child, he ain't, what do you want me to do Janis: didn't work anyways and even if it did, no one's throwing 😍 at it Grace: If you wanna report him, go off Janis: yeah I'll ruin some sad cunts life 'cos you're out here trying to prove something Grace: ???????!!!!!!! Grace: he asked me out, I agreed, it's not a big deal Janis: mhmm Janis: swear guv Grace: OMG SHUT UP Janis: sort it out for fuck's sake Grace: I didn't know he was that old! You literally just said yourself he doesn't look it Janis: don't incriminate yourself Janis: not illegal but just as weird if you're tryna fuck 12 year olds Grace: gross Janis: you said it Grace: No Janis: definitely did Grace: Leave me alone Janis: ooh alright Janis: touchy Grace: OMG why can't you ever stop? Janis: pot kettle Janis: why are you being so sensitive Grace: Why are you still talking to me? Janis: 'cos what's wrong with you Grace: yeah cos I'm gonna tell you Janis: why do you care Janis: you got what you wanted from him anyway Grace: What does that even mean? Grace: you have no idea what I want or wanted Janis: you wish Grace: obvs you do, but I really don't Grace: I'm wishing you'd go away thanks Janis: yeah, can't you tell how much I wanted to see you Janis: good catch up babes Grace: 😂😂😂 Janis: about right Grace: sure Grace: see you at school, like Grace: Spanish is first lesson back Janis: maybe Grace: 💔 Janis: isn't it just Grace: next time you steal a car is fine too Janis: next time it won't be nans so 🤞 no Grace: just don't look up my bad date, his wouldn't get you a mile out of Dublin Janis: got standards, darling Grace: I know, babes Grace: everybody does Grace: You can only wish for secrets Janis: can give the daily vlog a miss then Janis: phew Janis: love it when they put the work in for me Grace: mine's postponed cos I don't film little kids but there's plenty of other content THANK GOD Janis: 💔 should've thought of that before agreeing to go out with one really Janis: not very committed Janis: I'll 🙌 to that Grace: 👌👌👌 Janis: n'awh Janis: say hi to the gals from me Grace: I'd love to but there's been a disconnect Grace: I'll say it to my ex instead, he just got here Janis: less impressive than the 19 year old Janis: forgetting your audience Janis: they'll probably go for it though THANK GOD 👍 Grace: You're forgetting I only need a ride Janis: that's low, man Grace: If you wanna console him, he'll be free later Janis: you know something's gonna happen to you one day yeah Grace: I know you've got your 🤞 Janis: get a grip Grace: obvs the plan Grace: I'll make sure he's parked first tho, wouldn't wanna cause a crash Janis: unlikely Grace: not really Janis: if anyone bought you were a decent ride you wouldn't have to rely on your ex Grace: if I wasn't he wouldn't be back Janis: he's back 'cos your price is a ride Janis: you know it's not even a fiver in petrol Janis: literally the eastern euro girls on the street aren't as cheap Grace: wow Grace: so judgemental Janis: you're dirty Janis: it's disgusting, judgment from me is the least of your worries Grace: Yeah it honestly is Grace: & I'm sure you have better things to do so Janis: yeah talking to mum and dad for a start Grace: cute Grace: say hey from me Janis: you reckon I won't Janis: got no loyalty to you Janis: be more than a hey if they can manage to do even a semi-competent job Grace: I don't care if you do or whatever else you do Janis: Don't need you to Janis: be out of your hands, like Grace: sure Grace: they'll really show up for whatever slut intervention you think is about to happen Janis: you don't reckon Janis: you're delusional if you don't Grace: you are Grace: where's it been, babes? Janis: you're putting yourself in danger Grace: Me and how many of the rest of us Janis: you're stupid, Rio at least has some brains Janis: marginally more self-esteem Janis: born victim, you, trust me, they're gonna get on board Grace: nobody's more devastated than me that I'm not more like Rio, obvs Grace: except maybe dad Grace: 💔 there's not 10 of her Janis: no one cares what he wants Janis: irrelevant beyond being a sperm donor Janis: enjoy your chat 💕 Grace: 💜💜💜 Janis: 😂 Grace: it will be amusing if it happens Grace: I'll keep you a front row seat, hun Janis: don't worry Janis: buzzin' I care, so far in my DMs Janis: must be gutting when you're the only one that does and you get no recognition for it Grace: 😭😭🙄🙄 Janis: that's alright, sure your ex will take you back and console you Janis: epic shag and all around winner that he sees you as 😍 Grace: if he won't, I'll try one of the others Janis: always the shameful hookup when you've run out of lotion, never the girlfriend Grace: mhmm Janis: love that for you Janis: just get her in to help you with your prices Grace: 😂😂😂 Grace: she is good at maths Janis: is she Grace: oh of course she's never helped you with your homework Grace: my bad again, babes Janis: not what she's remembered for is it Janis: being the whore who married her cousin is really all that comes to mind but that's almost sweet Janis: pop it in the eulogy, lovely Grace: if you'll excuse me, I have to make some conversation with this boy Grace: such a good chat tho Janis: not what he's paying for Janis: so don't worry about not being a decent conversationalist Grace: tragically telling him that wouldn't get me where I wanna go so Janis: the tragic thing is you think you're too good for the bus when you're literally selling yourself Janis: wonder how many times this one told you you talk too much? 🤔 Grace: Oh please Grace: & I'm the extra one Grace: everything's a drama tonight, hun Janis: don't act as if you don't understand Janis: he would only pick you up so you blow him Janis: you aren't friends, they don't care about you or even respect you Janis: it's as simple as that Janis: and you're not even trying to get out, you're going home, half an hour away Janis: it's actually the saddest thing I've ever heard Grace: not anymore obvs Grace: why would I go home for the lecture? Janis: because you've got no balls and nowhere to go Janis: fucking hell I hope they pay for a decent shrink, seriously Grace: Thanks to you I've got nowhere to go Janis: go home Janis: sort yourself out Grace: I'll take the party he's offering but thanks again Janis: that's right Janis: get off your face then it ain't your fault Grace: It'll be my fault but I won't care Grace: you always tell me not to so congrats, finally taking that advice Janis: you'll be crying on a stranger's bathroom floor within the hour Janis: you ain't built for it, so tah for the guilt trip but i ain't biting Grace: I love that you've given me that long tbh Janis: got to earn his time and attention and petrol first Grace: Oh honey, I could do that crying Janis: wanna turn your phone off Janis: they'll be out looking now Grace: I would but if it's not on my snap it didn't happen, don't need to tell you tho Janis: your locations on Janis: they aren't that thick Grace: What do you care? You want them to find me Janis: you mean you do Janis: christ Grace: You think you know everything about me Grace: where does the delusion even come from? Janis: you think no one does Janis: let's unpack that one Grace: no-one does know everything Grace: they can't Janis: someone needs to take your netflix away too whilst they're at it Janis: fucking hell Janis: we aren't 13, even then that shit was embarrassing Janis: now it's well Janis: get yourself on the corner with your bessies level Grace: Whatever Janis: you really thought that was a revelation Janis: put it as your next caption, get those kids clicking ❤ Grace: 👌👌👌 Janis: this is what comes of letting stoners breed, jesus Janis: experiment over Grace: we all wish it was Grace: at least they've stopped now Janis: no need to wish Grace: not gonna jump out of this moving car, however much you'd love that Janis: i know Janis: no balls Grace: 💔 Janis: answer your phone yeah Grace: As if Janis: for fuck's sake, Grace Grace: I don't need to hear mum chatting to me like I'm Carly or Edie Grace: or dad telling me that he still loves me Janis: well then, think that it's not about what you need, I don't care Janis: just do it Grace: I literally just said no Janis: I literally don't care Grace: So get out of my inbox Janis: answer your phone and I will Grace: I'd actually rather kms than answer that phone call in front of this boy Grace: it's not happening, go away Janis: no Janis: answer the phone Grace: no Janis: do it Janis: stop being selfish Grace: 😂😂😂 Grace: coming from you Janis: and? Grace: it's just hilarious that you think you can make me do anything Janis: 😂😂😂 Janis: answer the phone Grace: no Janis: do it Janis: he doesn't like you anyway so don't act like that's an excuse Grace: It's not about him Grace: he answered the fastest Janis: then talk to mum and dad Grace: I've nothing to say & like I said I don't wanna hear what they are going to Grace: no thanks Janis: No one cares Janis: pick up the phone and get it over with then Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Janis: exactly Grace: I'll do it when I'm drunk obvs, there'll be no stopping me then Janis: why not now Grace: I'm busy, like Janis: no you ain't Grace: excuse you Grace: the fact this makeup has no staying power was literally the opener of this convo Janis: and what Grace: & he'd kick me out of the car if he saw me without any Grace: duh Janis: again Janis: so Janis: that's the point Grace: your point, babes Grace: mine was that I wanna be here Janis: no, yours was you need a lift Janis: which you don't now so get out Grace: no, it was that I don't wanna go home thanks Janis: no one does but you have to Grace: Why do I? Grace: I literally don't Janis: yeah you do, you aren't being safe or smart Grace: &? Grace: it's been forever since I was either Janis: exactly Janis: so go home Grace: Why now? Janis: its pretty obvious Grace: No Grace: it would've been obvs if someone had said something at my 13th birthday party when I went further than anyone during 7 mins in heaven cos Connor O'Malley said he really liked me and he wanted my birthday to be special for a good reason again Grace: or when I hooked up with his best friend like a week later cos he lied Grace: You don't care, you've never cared Grace: don't tell me what to do now Janis: yeah, your birthday Janis: and you reckon you got it bad it could've been worse if I hadn't bothered saying anything Janis: you think i'm going to pick up your slack and be 2nd to you Janis: for what Grace: OMG you're just like Mia, putting yourself in the centre of everything Grace: I've never thought that or wanted it Grace: 2nd to me!? I'm not that fucking delusional Janis: how dare I remind you its my birthday and all Janis: bullshit, Grace Grace: That wasn't the point Grace: I'm trying to tell you, it's too little, too late Janis: that's it Janis: that's your problem is it Janis: poor you Janis: get a grip, you and every other girl at school Janis: fucking hell, edie died Grace: Get a clue Grace: this is why I can't talk to you Janis: not trying to talk to you Janis: go home Janis: I'm not there Grace: Even Diego's out so like I said, why should or would I? Janis: because you wanna be Grace: You're actually not on the same planet, I s2g Janis: that heart to heart you're trying to have Janis: they're the only ones that'll listen Janis: so go Grace: They won't Janis: bollocks Janis: all they do Grace: You go Grace: do whatever it is you want Grace: I'm good Janis: no you're not Grace: obvs but as good as I can be ��🎊 so 👋 Janis: no Janis: I've told you Grace: Go off, I'll mute you when it gets boring Janis: no you won't Grace: ILYSM but even so Janis: you won't so save us both the hassle Grace: you'll be hassled by drunk me, babes Grace: she'll be living her best life Janis: no one believes that Janis: and you think I wasn't bored before this began Janis: difference between us is I do give a shit Grace: of course I don't think that, we OBVS know each other so well Janis: hurry up Grace: 💃💃 Janis: hilarious Janis: don't reckon I won't show up and bring them with either Janis: get your head out your arse and make it easy for yourself before I make it worse Grace: that's your fave thing tho Grace: it'd be so mean Janis: not stopped you before Janis: go on Grace: drunken portuguese is some drinks off but sure dad's waiting by the phone so Janis: can't even remember any so Janis: what do I care, you're talking to them Grace: this is so annoying now Grace: you're putting me off Janis: now Janis: you are slow Janis: come on Grace: shhhhhhhhhhhhh Janis: no Janis: [rings her all the times] Grace: 🙌💜 Janis: picked you up yet Grace: 😂😂😂 Grace: they're slow too, hello Grace: I've been saying that this entire time Janis: told them where you are or what Grace: mhmmm just gonna send them the location so they can hang Janis: do it then Grace: I 👏 AM 👏 BUSY Janis: no, you aren't Grace: Oooh this boy says he knows you Grace: very ginger, very aggressive 👋 Janis: okay Janis: that's nice Janis: off you pop Grace: he is not cute, babes Janis: what a tragedy Janis: start dialling or I'm gonna come over Grace: No you're not Grace: you never wanna be where I am Grace: & neither does your actually cute bf Janis: correct Janis: that's not what it's about so do it Grace: Just let me have a night off OMG!!!!!!!!! Grace: you get to do everything you want Janis: so Janis: you aren't me and you don't know what you want Janis: sort it out Grace: yeah okay I'll figure all that out in the AM Janis: no, you won't Janis: we're coming so you can think about it all you like once they're done Grace: STOP Janis: why should I Grace: cos I'm asking you to Grace: cos you're my sister & you don't even love me Janis: so you think you can just say and do all that fucked up shit and I'm not gonna stop you Janis: I don't think so Grace: What do you what me to say or do? Janis: I've been clear, call mum and dad and get them to come get you Grace: & after that?? Grace: Why do you want me to be all alone like?????? Janis: they're going to talk to you, work something out Grace: they're gonna talk at me and we'll all 😭😭 & nothing will be any different literally Grace: not drunk enough for that yet soooooo Janis: try listening yeah Grace: they're the MOST cringe though 😱😱😱 Janis: then you should agree Grace: 😂😂 okay bitch Janis: mhm Janis: they're waiting, like Grace: UGH Janis: yeah Janis: they've said they'll text so I'm not going Grace: What did you say? Janis: why? Grace: cos I wanna know how bad the freakout will be Grace: what did you say about me? Janis: what you said Janis: no need to lie, you gave it all up Grace: so you just told them everything Janis: all the relevant info, yeah Grace: I literally can't go home EVER Janis: yeah you can Grace: How could you do that to me!?? OMG Janis: how could I not Janis: not cosigning on that shit Grace: cos it's none of their business what I do Grace: or yours but at least you're not like OLD Janis: you're their kid, that's literally all their business is Grace: So are you! You don't let them tell you anything Janis: they're still meant to try Janis: and they do Grace: I hate this Janis: good Janis: you're not totally crazy then Grace: can't you come instead? Grace: I'd take Rio over them rn Janis: probably don't Janis: when she have her last kid, probably hormonal Janis: well I ain't got a car and we know how you feel about me stealing one but I can come Grace: IOU 💜 Grace: screenshot that in case I'm more drunk than I think I am Janis: you're always more drunk than you think you are Janis: forget about it, like Grace: me or like everyone? Grace: 🤔🤔🤔 Janis: you, specifically but yeah Janis: most in general Grace: my ex isn't if you wanna fight him Grace: cos you wanna fight most people Janis: which one Grace: this one Grace: oh you mean how many hookups ago duh Janis: i mean name, any other identifiers, even then, unlikely i'll remember Grace: Tyler Grace: he's not white that helps him stand out in my exes line up Grace: hmmm Grace: short and mad about it? Grace: that's his identifier with me but shhh Janis: 😂 Janis: oh right, can recall that one then Grace: he does NOT like you, babes Grace: too tall obvs Janis: 💔 Janis: gutted, obvs Janis: his 👀 are chest height and everything, that I remember Grace: IKR?! Grace: he was so 😣😣😣 cos I had my 👠s on Grace: boy they weren't for you! I'm SORRY Janis: probably gonna wanna steal some shoes if you're coming with me though Grace: ??? Janis: 👟 Janis: you'll be like a  baby 🦒 on ice Grace: are we walking all the way home? Janis: depends Janis: send us your location and I'll see what I can do Grace: [does] Janis: we could walk that Janis: but we can get a bus like 10 minutes from there if you need Grace: Today has been the literal WORST from the moment I agreed to the fair idc Janis: that means no complaints then yeah Grace: can I do them now cos I've been so excited to go out with him since I met him and then FINALLY it comes around & ugh Janis: seemed like a moody prick Grace: boys are such liars Grace: like okay you're nothing like you were that day in town & you're actually 19 & I don't think you even wanna be here Janis: yep Janis: girls too, in fairness Janis: you're just used to that and not trying to fuck 'em so Grace: I just thought he was different, nice or something Grace: like you said I should go out with Janis: yeah well Janis: never said it'd be easy, like Janis: few and far between Grace: I tried really hard Grace: Like REALLY Grace: it's so stupid Janis: ain't your fault he was a twat Grace: I fell for it Grace: nice lads aren't here for me, obvs, I should've known Grace: I literally do know Janis: it ain't that simple Grace: It is though Grace: I'm a bitch Grace: Is Jimmy coming? Janis: don't worry about that right now Janis: nah, he don't need to Grace: Tell him I'm sorry then Janis: bit rude i don't get one Janis: it's fine Grace: I mean for everything Grace: Mia Grace: since he got here Janis: yeah Janis: pretty mental, even for you lot Grace: I told her, I keep telling her Grace: cos I am happy for you, like Janis: alright, I'll tell him Grace: Believe me though Janis: I do Janis: don't be weird, like Grace: you have to cos I love you, okay? Grace: but idk what to do about her Janis: I can handle her Janis: he can too Janis: but she's genuinely just Janis: you know Janis: you need to handle her too, yeah Grace: I don't work with her though Grace: or without Grace: cos she's not talking to me rn & look Janis: bollocks Janis: she would've told you to go for it with that lad Janis: come on Grace: I met him because she was being a bitch about you that day he was over at our house & I made her leave Grace: I wouldn't have gone into town on my own otherwise Janis: you could've met him any time Janis: and it's not about him Janis: you've gotta admit, he's not exactly out of character in your ex line-up Janis: can't think like that Grace: she would've said no & none of this would have happened so Tyler wouldn't have picked me up & mum & dad wouldn't think I'm a sex worker Janis: I didn't tell them you were a sex worker Janis: and she only would've said no 'cos she'd wanna be watching us so that's not like she's looking out for you Janis: not like she's got a sixth sense for dickheads herself Grace: I hate her Grace: I hate my life Janis: yeah Janis: I know Janis: you've got to get rid of her at some point Grace: Why don't you love me? Janis: Grace Janis: it'd just be easier if we didn't Janis: for all of us, you especially Grace: what does that mean???? Janis: it only hurts if you love or care or Janis: whatever Grace: but its not about Edie cos you didn't love me before Grace: & you love him, your boyfriend so Grace: what did I do? Janis: that's not true Janis: I don't know Janis: maybe I can't Grace: but you literally love him Janis: no I don't Grace: It's everywhere, all over everything Grace: I can't be on my phone without seeing it Grace: or in the same room as you Janis: yeah and how many of your exes did you actually love Grace: that's not the same Grace: I don't look at them like that & they'd never look at me like it either Grace: it's so fake, it has to be if I'm in it Janis: I've not known him that long Janis: no one has, like Grace: So? Janis: can't be in love with someone you don't know, right Grace: I know when I've done the wrong thing like IMMEDIATELY Grace: maybe you can still feel something that soon when it's good too idk Grace: not the right person to ask about love Janis: noted, babe Janis: just saying, think lots of people fake it Grace: Yeah Grace: sometimes you have to & sometimes you want to Janis: do you want to? Grace: when? Grace: I fake like everything, babes, you need to hit me with specifics Janis: well that's what I mean Janis: if your ratio is mostly wanting to, then I guess that's alright Janis: but it ain't so Grace: it's like I have to pretend I'm not freaking out whenever a boy touches me but I want to pretend that's not always gonna be a thing Grace: specifics Grace: I have to be friends with Mia but I don't want to Janis: Why do you have to Grace: ??????? Janis: be friends with her Grace: like I said, it's too late Grace: I can't go back and not tell her everything or have her with me for everything Grace: idk how to do things without her anymore Grace: I need her even if I don't like her Janis: 'course you can Janis: look at us, we're blood relatives and we manage Janis: you don't want her fucking up everything you do forever Grace: I'll have her to blame that way though Grace: if it's just me, it's literally me Janis: nah Janis: family album full of people you can blame Janis: easy Janis: swear Grace: she hates you & I wanna hate you, sometimes Grace: so I thought that would be easy Janis: yeah but she also wants to live in my skin so Janis: complicates matters Grace: but like same ?? so Janis: now you see why I didn't wanna come to those sleepovers Grace: fine cos I don't want you there being prettier than me Janis: 😏 yeah right Grace: ugh Janis: you alright Grace: I just didn't wanna cry here, you know? Grace: he'll think it's about him Janis: go outside Grace: I wish screaming I DON'T LOVE YOU BYE actually meant that Grace: instead of making people think I do Janis: screaming anything don't really help your case Janis: try 🤐 Grace: actually can't though, sorry Grace: 💘 or 🤐 Janis: I've got headphones Janis: it's fine Grace: Where's Jimmy's mum? Janis: not coming to pick you up, can tell you that for certain Grace: Is she dead? Janis: Don't know Janis: did Bobby talk about her lots then Grace: He asked me if we've got one Grace: & said that he doesn't Janis: yeah, she pissed off, about the sum of it Janis: don't know if he knows that or what though so Grace: Maybe he was too little Grace: he's so sweet Janis: yeah, pretty cute Grace: like really gentle, little lads are normally so loud & annoying Janis: girls are well worse Janis: especially the ones in this family Grace: duh Grace: you can say I'm most annoying, babes 👑 treat yourself Janis: was talking about the actual children, like but you know Janis: fight a toddler if you need to, babe Grace: Oh so I'm an actual child when a 19 year old lies to me but not when I want a 👑 Grace: so rude Janis: that's life Janis: don't make the law up, soz Grace: 💔 Janis: I'll run for PM when I get a sec Grace: I love that for you Janis: obvs Janis: no 👑 Grace: but you have any food?? Janis: food? Grace: I'm so hungry like all the time 😱😱😱 aren't you? Janis: nah 'cos I eat enough and at the right times Janis: I've passed hundreds of kebabbies and shit, we'll go get something Grace: 🙏🙏🙏🙏 Janis: who's gaff even is this Grace: UM idk Grace: his cousin maybe? Grace: no his uncle Grace: no Janis: don't need the family tree, I get the vibe Janis: are there any other girls from school there like Grace: that's a real no Grace: I would not be here Janis: ugh Grace: if I'm gonna commit suicide I'll do it myself thanks Grace: don't need them or their insta stories Janis: not my main concern Grace: ?? Janis: it'd be better if it was an actual party with school people Janis: not his cousin uncle and co Grace: Why? Janis: because why would he bring you around his older male relatives Janis: what do you have in common with him, never mind them Janis: it's so dangerous, Grace Grace: I didn't know it was gonna be this sketchy Grace: that's not what he said Janis: yeah well boys lie, remember Janis: it's fine, I'm only a few streets away now, apparently Grace: I'm outside so we can just leave, yeah? Grace: it's not gonna be like a thing Janis: nah I well fancy going in there and shouting my head off and all Grace: you know what I mean Janis: if you're outside then yeah, what am I gonna do Grace: I'm sorry Janis: at least you are okay this time Janis: I meant it when I said something's gonna happen though Grace: It won't even I'm so done Janis: alright, well you all say that when you feel like shit Janis: general you that time Grace: he's deleted Janis: 👌 Grace: Like, I'll obvs get new shitty exes but no need to go back here Janis: screenshot that one, yeah? Grace: 💜 Grace: he's not that cute, I was just over all the white boys Grace: no offense Janis: variety is the spice of life Janis: though literally no idea who that ginger you're talking about is Grace: I think he thinks you slept with his gf?? Grace: I set him straight on that, literally Janis: ha gutted i did that Janis: shh Grace: No way you would've, he showed me a pic & you can do so much better, babes Grace: trust Janis: awks Janis: poor ginge Grace: he wouldn't stop shouting at me like excuse me we're not the same person Grace: as if I'm gonna turn around and you're the back of my head Janis: you probably telepathically told me to do it though Janis: know what twins are like Grace: if she was cute, sure Janis: i don't think that helps us sound any less weird Janis: glad you went with a different clapback Grace: there's worse things than homewrecking someone that ugh Grace: but 👌👌 Janis: not taking that one for the team Janis: no matter how much of a cunt he was Janis: soz Grace: fine, wouldn't wanna risk barista boy's 💘 anyway Grace: a bitch but not that bitch Janis: shut up idiot Grace: he's so highkey 😍😍😍 & I think that's nice Janis: shame he ain't coming Janis: be hilarious if you said that to his face Janis: for me anyway Grace: I've seen enough PDA thank you Janis: you were definitely told to leave so Grace: I'm still mad at you btw Grace: & you can't make me leave a coffee shop, bitch Grace: I was mid ☕ Janis: that weren't my idea Grace: idc still 😱😱😱 Janis: your mates shouldn't bitch so loudly, like Grace: 🙄🙄 I know Grace: I'm so over it Janis: seems exhausting Janis: having to give a shit about what everyone else is up to all the time Grace: mhmmmmmm Janis: and just to be bitches Janis: seriously Grace: they're just hung up on you specifically cos every boy they want has asked you out & you said no Grace: boys they can't even get Grace: like it's your fault you're prettier than them Grace: when they have nobody to blame for how petty they are trying to be Grace: it's so boring & ridiculous!!! Janis: should fuck 'em just to really make it worth their rage but Janis: do you do it too, when it ain't me Grace: Ew no don't Grace: &? I know what I am, honey Janis: unlikely, reasons I said no Janis: I mean, it's probably easy to fall into that way of being Janis: like when you left all your shit at CG Grace: Okay no Grace: not talking about that with you ever Janis: why not, I literally had to give you your stuff Janis: we all know what it was Grace: exactly so we don't have to go there Janis: alright Grace: are you here or do I have time to kms? Janis: not trying to embarrass you Janis: and yeah not far Janis: this is just the longest street ever for some reason Grace: you should stop smoking with that boy Janis: please Grace: mhmm please do Janis: we're a long way from you giving anyone lectures Janis: let alone me Grace: it's still gross & you're already way thinner than me Janis: the ulterior motive comes out Janis: don't smoke enough for that, or lung disease, tah Grace: you can get fucked up by his sexy smoke rings, babes Grace: but sure Janis: that's 2nd-hand Janis: it's worse 'cos all the co2 you breathe out Janis: smoking yourself, way safer Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Grace: I'll take it up then Janis: you'd have to get 'em off weird john Janis: no way you ain't getting ID'd Janis: any safety is dashed tbh, wouldn't bother if I were you Grace: excuse you literally have 19 year olds falling at my feet so Grace: well almost Janis: that like underage girls but sure Janis: probably ducked when he realised how virginal you ain't Grace: Yeah Grace: 2 years too late, sorry boy Janis: ick Janis: leave it out Grace: ????? Janis: that's too young Janis: it's depressing Grace: I know, I cried for like a week Janis: stop thinking about it now Janis: and chatting Janis: drive me to drink Grace: you can share this one Janis: alright, had enough earlier Janis: one of us should be vaguely sober Grace: did you sneak it into the fair while I was babysitting? Janis: ha Janis: after, went pub Grace: Oh okay Janis: did you think i was drunk Janis: was just a sugar high, like Grace: you left ASAP and I did when you got back Grace: literally wouldn't know Janis: did think it was a bit of a jump Grace: it's so rude that I can't get in anywhere & you can Janis: I'm tall Janis: and you've got a babyface Grace: like I said, so rude Janis: blame mum and dad Janis: neither of them brought it in the height department Grace: I blame avó, she's who I look like Grace: & she has that direct 🙏🙏🙏 line to god, obvs so Grace: she could have put in a word for me not to look like this Janis: get that you ain't meant to be a braggy cunt Janis: but bit of a slap in the face to call out one of his creations and say 'not again, thanks' Grace: 😂😂 Janis: also she'd give you a slap in the face for that one so let's hope she ain't in the kebab Grace: she'd wanna hit me for lots of things I do but Jesus loves a whore Grace: & she's never ate anywhere that isn't ours either Grace: doubly saved 🙌 Janis: 😏 Janis: not suggesting she's been out on the piss tbh Janis: it's late as hell and not midnight mass vibes, like Grace: if you're going that hard of the blood of christ, maybe just marry him tbh Janis: gutted she didn't Janis: probably can't dump your kid to be a nun though Janis: unfortunate for us all Grace: maybe I'll go become one Grace: can you vlog it? Janis: considering the vow of poverty, don't think you can show up with thousands worth of filming equipment, no Grace: tragic Janis: not even to mention all the others i think you'd struggle with Grace: well it's just mean if you don't tell me now Janis: come on then, I see you Janis: tell you all about it Grace: 👋 Grace: you look so pretty OMG Janis: let's not be texting and walking rn babe Grace: 👌👌👌

[absoloutenonsense]

When you see this, post a snippet of your WIP.

Hades Harry and Persephone Louis are coming back to me. Welcome to my Underworld fic!

***

Harry peers over his book and tries not to make it obvious that he isn’t a student. 

Louis has just walked into the cafe and up to the counter, looking as gorgeous as ever. Fringe swept across his forehead, blue and black polo and some more relaxed jeans than Harry has seen in the past. He smiles at the girl behind the counter, and Harry lets the book slip a little through his fingers; he catches it just before it can topple over on the table. 

Harry adjusts his snapback and sinks a little lower in his seat. 

“Hi,” he hears from his right. He looks up at a pretty girl with auburn hair in low pigtails. She smiles at him and takes a sip of her iced coffee through the straw. “Could I sit here? All the other tables are taken and I was hoping to revise.”

Harry nods and smiles a little back at her, trying not to make it obvious when his eyes dart to Louis again. He’s handing over a fiver to pay for his drink, and drops his change in the tip jar. 

“Haven’t seen you here before,” the girl says, making no move to get books or a pen or even her phone out. 

He just nods and watches Louis laugh at something the barista tells him. His heart bursts and aches in the same moment. He’s desperate to make Louis laugh like that. 

“What’re you studying?”

“Insurance,” he says automatically. 

The girl furrows her brows. “I don’t think we have that as a course.”

Harry finally really looks at her. “What?”

“I said I don’t think that’s a course here. Did you mean business?”

And Harry doesn’t know. “Uh, I’m not really sure. I just got here.”

“Oh! You’re a transfer?”

“Yes,” he says, because that seems the right thing to say. 

“Where were you before?”

And it was the wrong thing to say. “Oh, you know. Here and there.”

“You don’t know where you were before this?”

“Uh…”

“Harold,” someone interrupts. And for a moment --a split second-- Harry is over the moon to have Louis’ eye on him. They’re just as blue as he remembers. But then he sees the hard edge to them, despite his forced smile. Harry can’t help but flicker his gaze down to his lips. 

“Louis,” Harry says. Well, says is generous, considering what comes out is barely more than a breath. 

The girl is looking back and forth between them. “Sorry, did I take your seat Louis?”

“No, love, wasn’t expecting to see Harold here today.”

“Is this your boyfriend?” she asks. 

Yes! Harry thinks. 

“No,” Louis says. “Harold here is free as a bird, aren’t you Harold?” But before Harry can speak up, Louis continues. “Wouldn’t mind him much, though, for you Kim. Seems like there’s a bit of chemistry here. I’ll leave you to it.” And he’s walking away. 

Harry just gapes after him before remembering he has two working legs. 

“Excuse me,” he says to the girl --Kim-- before turning around. 

“You forgot your book!” she calls after him. 

“Keep it!” he says over his shoulder, and then he’s nearly running to catch up to Louis. 

Louis isn’t running, but he might as well be at the speed he’s going. Harry can practically see steam coming out of his ears. When he catches up, Harry jogs for a moment before he can adequately pace himself to speed walk next to Louis. 

“Leave me alone, Harry.” 

“Louis--”

“Wow, ignoring what I ask for. What a shocker.”

“Louis please listen--”

“Wow, ignoring my blatant sarcasm in favor of pissing me off more. Who’d have thought.”

“You weren’t supposed to see me, I just wanted to check in,” Harry blurts out. And when Louis doesn’t immediately cut in again, he adds, “I’ve been worried about you.”

Louis stops so abruptly that Harry actually has gone too far and needs to turn around to face him. “Worried? Have you been worried? Well great. You’ve seen me. No need to be worried any longer.” And he’s off again, walking somehow even faster. How do mortals walk so fast?

Harry rushes to keep up, lagging behind Louis. He would prefer not to admit that it’s a struggle. “I get that I fucked up, I do. And I want to make it right.”

“It’s Spring, Harry, I don’t have to talk to you for another five months at least,” and he stops and turns again. Harry just about crashes into him. Louis has to put his hands up to Harry’s chest in order to keep them both from falling over. “How long have you been spying on me?”

Harry flushes. He can feel the warmth of Louis’ hands through his white band t-shirt, wants to pull him onto the grass and pin him so he has no choice but to be still and look at Harry. There are other reasons to pin Louis to the ground, but now isn’t the time to think about those. Part of Harry’s mind can’t help it. 

Louis pushes against his chest and asks, “How. Long.”

Harry mourns the loss of Louis’ fingertips on his body. But only briefly because Louis has fire in his eyes. “This is only the third time.”

“The third time.” Louis says it loud. Loud enough that a few people look their way as they walk past. He grabs him by the end of his shirt and pulls him in the direction of the nearest building. 

He turns around to spit out, “When.” It’s not a question, it’s a demand that Harry has no choice but to obey. 

“New Years Eve, when you were down the pub with your mates.”

“Where were you.” 

“Outside the pub, I just walked by the window.”

They get to a door. The smell of chlorine hits Harry in full force as it swings open and Louis pulls him inside. They’re in a little hallway with two doors on either side of them. Louis drops his hold on the edge of Harry’s t-shirt, but his fist-print remains through the wrinkled threads. 

“And,” Louis spits out. 

“And then in March. You were grocery shopping.”

Louis’ face screws up a bit as he presumably tries to pin-point the day. 

“Where were you.”

“Across the street, in the bakery.”

Louis shuts his eyes tightly and rubs his hands along his face a few times. “That’s not even--” he lets out a frustrated noise. “Why-- I don’t--” another noise. “What’s the point of that?”

Harry doesn’t hide his confusion. “I wanted to see you.”

“For two fucking seconds?”

Harry thinks maybe he gets what Louis is trying to stay. “I was worried if I stayed longer you’d see me.”

“Then why be so far away?”

“I got the feeling that you’d be able to sense me.”

“I did,” Louis says. 

“What?”

“Today. I sensed you. As soon as I walked into The Hideaway I could feel you looking at me. I got so pissed off, I thought you were looking at me through your seeing thing.”

“All Seer,” Harry corrects softly. And then tries to catch Louis’ eyes, which have been mostly hidden behind his hands. When he does --and Harry realized it’s the first time they’ve locked eyes this entire interaction-- he tells him earnestly, “I wouldn’t break your trust like that, Louis, not again.”

And just like that Louis is pressed so tightly to Harry’s body, mouth hot and wet against his. And fuck. His hands go instinctually to Louis’ waist, one resting just above his ass, but his mouth is still and his eyes wide open in shock. 

Louis pulls back to lock onto his eyes again, scowl and grit out, “Kiss me back you absolute fucking arsehole.” And he’s back on him in a flash, moving his hands up Harry’s neck in order to grab fistfuls of his hair. His hat falls off his head, and just as it hits the ground, Harry kisses back with a fury, deftly lifts Louis by the back of the thighs and flips them so he’s got Louis pinned against the wall. 

It smells overwhelmingly of pool water chemicals, but Harry couldn’t care less because mixed in is the smell of Louis, which he’s been deprived of for nearly four months. He groans at that and pushed Louis back harder into the wall. Louis lets out this little gasp against Harry’s mouth, which seems to make them both hungrier for more. 

Louis is still grabbing the roots of Harry’s hair with his left hand while his right untangles itself in order to press against Harry’s arse, pulling him even closer. 

And… maybe this isn’t the best idea. Or at the very least the best place. “Louis,” Harry murmurs against his lips. But he can’t bring himself to loosen his grip or even open his eyes. 

Louis answers by biting Harry’s bottom lip ferociously. He whimpers at it and involuntarily grinds against Louis’ hips, where he finds they’re both starting to get hard. 

Harry tries again with, “Maybe this isn’t--” 

But before he can get a full sentence out, the door to his left opens. Harry doesn’t much care about that, but it seems to pull Louis out of...whatever this is... enough to scramble out of Harry’s hold, pushing him away with hands to his chest. His eyes look wild and his lips look swollen from their makeout. And Harry has the feeling that he should be feeling embarrassed but all he can feel is satisfaction at the way Louis looks. 

“Alright, Lou,” someone says, a bit of humor in his voice. The nickname is the only reason Harry looks up. Walking towards them is a man, dressed in jeans and a green t-shirt, hair wet, presumably from the pool. He’s smirking at them. 

“Alright, Luke,” Louis answers, straightening his shirt and running a hand over his hair to get it back in order. Harry doesn’t move. Well, aside from puffing his chest out a little, which causes Louis to grimace. 

“We still on for the footie game, mate?” Luke says. 

“Yeah, I’ll be there.”

“See you,” he says, and then gives a wry nod to Harry. 

Louis must still be a little out of it, because Luke is through the door and it’s almost completely shut before he says, “See you.”

Harry tries to not sound completely jealous when he says, “Who’s that?”

“Luke from Econ. He organizes pickup games from time to time.”

Harry wants to push. Wants to ask how well they know each other. Is dying to know what that smirk directed at Harry meant. Feels his blood run hot at the idea of them hooking up. 

But before Harry can ask any more questions, Louis is pulling open the door and stepping outside. 

“Wait,” Harry opens the door and shouts after him. “We need to talk.”

Louis is just shaking his head but doesn’t rush off like he seemed hell-bent on doing before. 

“Lou, what just happened. Do you-- do you maybe want--”

“I just got caught up,” Louis interrupts. “I wasn’t thinking clearly. I haven’t gotten laid in a while and you’re just --fuck-- you know I’m attracted to you. And I just got a little worked up. But I’m fine. Now. I’m okay now, it’s passed.”

There are so many things Harry wants to address, but he goes with the one that will tear him apart inside if he doesn’t know. 

“Have you slept with anyone since you’ve come back?”

“That is absolutely none of your business, Harry.”

Harry wants to scream that it is. That the last couple of weeks Louis was in the Underworld it was like they were really headed somewhere, that the last fews days it almost felt like-- like they were--

But then a rush of guilt washes over Harry. Because no matter what it felt like, and no matter how long it felt like that for, Harry was the one to ruin it. 

So instead of fighting that and instead of pushing Louis up against the tree trunk they’re passing as they walk, Harry says, “Okay.” He starts to slow his pace a bit, ready for Louis to continue on without him. 

When Louis notices Harry has fallen back, he slows his pace and turns around a bit. His face is now a mix between the dazed look from their makeout and the intense hardness from their fighting. He looks tired. With a sunken feeling in his chest, Harry realizes he caused that, too. 

Louis stops and waits for Harry to make it the last few steps to him. They are an arms-length distance apart from each other and Harry has never felt a distance so great. 

Louis sighs and waits for Harry to make eye contact before saying, “I need more time.”

Harry just nods. 

Louis nods back at him before turning on his heels and walking away. 

The only thing that saves him from going home and baiting Cerberus to eat him is that Louis looks over his shoulder just before he disappears from sight. He does this little half wave with just his fingers. It’s not what Harry wanted, but it’s something. 

[blschaos3000-blog]

Its 3:31 pm

Welcome to a another edition of “8 Questions with…..” I’m pretty jazzed up for today’s interview with George Rother. I’m finally getting to talk with a fellow film buff and critic who is very much like myself. And just like most SERIOUS film buffs,George just doesn’t stick with the latest blockbusters or trendy releases,he isn’t afraid to explore quality foreign offerings or B-movie fun. If it can be seen on a screen,George is there to offer fair and quality insight and honestly,one can spend hours on his website Movie Guy 24/7. I know because the cheetah and I have spent a few visits checking out some classics from days gone by. George also has a crazy interactive Facebook page with over 10,000 followers who enjoy talking films in a respectful way which is rather refreshing to see. I’ll post a link down below after the interview. But for now,let’s go ask George his 8 Questions…….

  Please introduce yourself and tell us a little about Movie Guy 24/7

 My name is George Rother. I am a lifelong movie lover. I started Movie Guy 24/7 in 2010 after health reasons forced me to retire early. I’m primarily a film critic but I do more than review movies. If you go on the Movie Guy 24/7 FaceBook page, I post things daily. I offer up trivia, I ask questions, I give challenges, I put up songs, clips and trailers from movies. I do all sorts of things to interact with my fans/friends. 

What makes film so important to you?

Film has been a constant in my life. I didn’t have a lot of friends growing up so I often went to the movies by myself. I got used to it actually. Film has always been a subject of interest to me. Even as a kid, I wanted to see adult-oriented films like All That Jazz, The Rose, Apocalypse Now and Kramer vs. Kramer. Of course, that pesky parental R-rated movie block kept getting in the way. LOL! Anyway, I just felt at home getting caught up in a filmed story. I became a regular filmgoer at 13 and always seemed to know more about movies than other people my age. 

Are movies better today then when you started watching them? What are the three biggest changes besides budgetsand special effects that you like/dislike from films of yesterday and today?

LOL! I hate to resort to cliches but they sure don’t make them like they used to. Most of today’s movies are so impersonal. They’re not art, they’re made by committee. A lot of them are derivative. Comedies aren’t funny anymore; they’re just foul, gross and vulgar. PG-13 horror movies are the cinematic equivalent of watered-down alcoholic drinks. Blockbusters are little more than convoluted, CGI-heavy noisefests. I don’t really care for CGI; it looks too fake. Give me old school practical effects any day. 

What makes a movie a “classic” in your eyes?

 That’s a subjective thing. Everybody has their own ideas as to what makes a movie classic. If pressed, I suppose I’d have to say longevity. Will it hold up 5, 10, 20 years from now? Sadly, not many of today’s movies are future classics. 

Did you feel Hollywood has played a huge part in the rise of gun violence with so many violent shoot-’em ups?

 There has always been shooting in movies. Look at the old westerns from the 20s and 30s. Look at the gangster movies from that era. They seemed very violent at the time. Nowadays, filmmakers can get away with showing a lot more. However, I think the depiction of gun violence in film (and TV) has little to do with the rise in real life gun violence. I think it has to do with a person’s nature and/or their surroundings. 

What is a difference between a movie critic and a movie buff?

 LOL! Why can’t somebody be both? OK, here’s my answer. A movie critic watches a film analytically whereas a movie buff is passionate about film in general. In other words, business vs. pleasure. 

What five films/five stars/five directors are you favorites and why?

 WOW! That’s a tall question. Let’s start with favorite movies. If you mean all-around cinematic perfection, perfect in every way, I’d have to say Casablanca. If you mean what movie gives me the most pleasure, I’d say the 1982 version of Conan the Barbarian. I can’t really give you a top 5 here so I’ll just give you my favorites in a few genres. Sci-fi: (tie) Blade Runner and 2001: A Space Odyssey, Horror: The Shining, Comedy: A Fish Called Wanda, Cop: Sharky’s Machine, Action: First Blood, Action-Adventure: Raiders of the Lost Ark, Drama: Gandhi and Western: Once Upon a Time in the West. Okay, top 5 (no particular order) lists coming up. My five favorite actors are Jack Nicholson, Clint Eastwood, Steve McQueen, Harvey Keitel and Samuel L. Jackson. My five favorite actresses are Bette Midler, Goldie Hawn, Scarlett Johansson, Audrey Hepburn and Ingrid Bergman. My five favorite directors are David Lynch, David Fincher, Quentin Tarantino, Alejandro Jodorowsky and Martin Scorsese. I don’t really have a reason why other than I like what/who I like.

 Is streaming going to kill both the theater experience and pyschical media in your opinion?

 I hope that there will always be movie theaters. Nothing matches the experience of seeing a film on the big screen. However, I think more and more small-to-medium budgeted films will premiere on streaming services. It will definitely cut into box office revenue. As for me, I will always see films at a theater.

What five films/fiver stars/fivedirectors do you dislike the most and why?

 Ah, my dislikes. Okay, here’s my Top 10 Worst Movies starting with 1979’s Caligula, In my not-so-humble opinion, that is the absolute worst film EVER! It is a vile, disgusting, degrading, depressing and artless piece of crap. The rest of the list is as follows: (2) Basic Instinct 2, (3) Windows, (4) It’s Pat: The Movie, (5) Gummo, (6) Wild Wild West, (7) Baby Geniuses, (8) Knock Off, (9) Dangerous Game and (10) Born American. My five worst actors/actresses: Tom Cruise, Roseanne Barr, Rosie Perez, Ben Affleck and Steven Seagal. Five worst directors: (1) and (2) are Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, the guys behind lousy spoofs like Disaster Movie, Vampires Suck and Meet the Spartans. The others are Michael Bay, William “One Shot” Beaudine (Billy the Kid vs. Dracula, Jesse James Meets Frankenstein’s Daughter) and William Shatner (ever see Star Trek V?).

Your Facebook page is rising fast in popularity,what makes it such a hot spot for fans?

 I guess I’m just lucky. I try to make the page fun for everybody. It’s geared towards movie geeks like myself but I also try to make it accessible for casual movie fans.

What is your impression of TV in general?

 For years, I regarded TV as a cultural wasteland. I had no interest in it. As of late, it’s changed a lot. Episodic TV is rapidly becoming popular. Some stories just can’t be told in two hours. Look at Killing Eve and Big Little Lies. My wife and I do a lot of binge watching in the summer. Right now, we’re doing Stranger Things. It’s great. In May/June, we did all eight seasons of Game of Thrones. It was great too.  The other great thing is when a network cancels a good show like Designated Survivor, it might get picked up by a streaming outlet like Netflix. I’d say TV has come a very long way.

The cheetah and I are flying in to catch you hosting a film festival but we’re a day early and now you are playing tour guide,what are we doing?

 If I was to show you guys around Philadelphia, I’d probably take you to some places where movies were shot. Of course, we’d have to go to Philly’s best cheese steak joint, Jim’s on South Street. After that, who knows? Maybe we’ll catch a movie at one of the Ritz Theaters here in town.

I like to thank George for graciously taking the time to talk film and TV with us today. The cheetah and I seriously recommend following George’s Facebook page for Movie Guy 24/7.  Tell’em that we sent you…..you won’t be sorry and you’ll be very entertained! I should have asked George if Jim’s Steaks delivers……..

While the cheetah and I don’t have 10k fans as of yet,we too have a Facebook page called Have Cheetah,Will View which we hope you’ll drop by and join up…

Thank you all for your support,we have a whole new crop of interviews coming including two of my biggest names yet. Stay tuned…….

8 Questions with…………. film buff George Rother of Movie Guy 24/7 Its 3:31 pm Welcome to a another edition of "8 Questions with....." I'm pretty jazzed up for today's interview with George Rother.

[obsidianarchives]

Black Woman Creator: Gwen Stacy

Gwen Rice is the designer behind Out Of Character Club. Out Of Character Club was born out of the necessity to design under one concept: to provide cool designs for all of the magical humans who hate blending in with the normies (Muggles if you wanna get technical!). Gwen feels that anytime you're not able to dress how you want to dress and flaunt your fandoms, you're out of character. You're not being the you that you want to be. They want to design fun geek fashions that you can wear to your nine-to-fiver in the office or to a convention and not have to resort to full cosplay.

Gwen has a passion for the geek/nerd community and a desire to add more to the already growing geek fashion world by bringing in more fun, practicality and inclusion. They aim to design for everybody and every body. As it should always be. We spoke to Gwen about their designs and Out of Character Club.

Black Girls Create: What do you create?

I create unique fashion for basically everybody. And when I say everybody I mean every body. It originally started off just being for women because I realize that there's kind of a void there, but the more that I dug into it and the more that I dug into my own sexuality and what I identify as, I realized that there's a market out there for not just straight women but transgender and anyone who falls under the genderqueer category.

I also try to make it not as literal as I can. I guess a better way to put it is, you know, there's always all-over print t-shirts and all-over print button ups that are very blatantly "this is the fandom," which are great, but for people that work in offices and work magnifiers and can't do that kind of thing, I like to design clothes for them. So the kind of subtle geek fashion, I realized that there's just this void missing for adults that work in cubicles and maybe just don’t want to flaunt blatant nerds on their shirts. They just kind of want something a little subtle and those who get it will, but at least they know that they can still rock what they wanna rock, just in a way that is more “appropriate” for what they do in their everyday life.

BGC: Why do you create this type of fashion?

I started off in the cosplay field. I've gone to a lot of conventions and worn a lot of costumes, and over time I started paying attention to what people that weren't in cosplay were wearing and to what vendors were selling. Sometimes, when you go to a convention you’re wrapped up in “this is my cosplay,” looking at other cosplayers and going to all these panels, but you're not really paying attention to vendors or the people that aren't dressed up. So I went to school for fashion design, and I started with the intention of just wanting to get better at sewing and wanting to make patterns for my own costumes. I wanted to get better at that craft but over time I kind of fell out of the cosplay scene. I'm still going to conventions but I was wearing more “normal” clothes.

We started doing homework in my apparel sketching class and it popped in my head that I wasn't enjoying it as much as I thought I would. I liked the idea of fashion, but there was something missing so I asked myself the question: what would Storm wear on a daily basis? If she wasn't in cosplay or in her costume, what would she wear? So I turned my homework assignment into a geeky, nerdy assignment. So all of my sketches turned into “this is what she would wear, this one I would design for her, she would have these options,” and it's still fit within the homework but it twisted on itself.

BGC: I just love the idea of you having homework and your muse being Storm. It’s like you have to make a pantsuit, so what pantsuit would Storm wear. I love that!

Yeah so it was still her color palette, or implementing the lightning bolt somewhere, or something like that.  It started off really fun and my teachers were really into it and I just kind of grew from there. When we made our first mini collection in construction class, the teacher said you can do whatever you want. He provided the patterns but the fabric choices and the theme were all ours, so of course me being a Potterhead, I went with the Hogwarts collection. It started off with a button-up shirt that had puff sleeves and I was like “Hufflepuff, got it," so I made it yellow and black. Then we moved to these pants and I was like Ravenclaws, kind of studious, maybe they’d rock some blue and black pinstripe pants. Bam, Ravenclaw pants. Then we moved to a blazer and I thought this would look awesome in Gryffindor colors so it became this scarlet blazer with gold lining and lion buttons, and it was really cool. For Slytherin, I did this reverse bomber jacket, so it's a nice cool quilted green on the inside and you flip it inside out and it's grey. I did a photoshoot of them inside of a local comic book shop so they're also on my Instagram. I used my friend Mariska, who is a biracial woman, and that made me want to utilize women of color and people of color in my stuff too, so that's also what I’m reaching for.

From there, it kind of spun into how can I keep doing this?  How can I keep making these awesome subtle geek fashions? So this last semester that passed we worked on advanced line development and the assignment was take an outfit from pre-1950s and modernize it. I was like, okay I don't like the idea of this but I know I can put my nerdy spin on it, so i took Jane Russell's pantsuit from Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, modernized it made it to this really sleek and sexy Black Widow outfit. That's going to be a part of my final collection for next year, which is a Woman in Comics collection, where I'm taking color palettes and I'm designing like I did a year ago for Storm. What would she wear? This is what I think they would wear, this is what I'm designing for them and so it's going to be an all-women of comics collection happening next semester. I'm a little scared, it’s a lot of work. But I'm excited too.

BGC: Who is your audience?

It’s interesting whenever I talk about this, because my teachers don't know about this world. I literally had an hour-long discussion with one of my teachers about the fashion I was showing him. I usually say that my client beyond being the person that works in the business district where my comic book shop is, is also someone that goes to conventions, that wants to cosplay but doesn't know where to start, or is afraid to do it.  Or wants to still be their favorite character without having to go all out and still look fashionable. So, for example, the Black Widow piece that I designed could easily be worn to a convention and I feel like it's just a bit noticeable because the way the back is opened it’s shaped like the Black Widow symbol and it's black and red. I think it's just nerdy enough and just subtle enough that you could still be in “everyday cosplay.” Before I started cosplay, I didn’t know it was a thing that I could do, and I was still partially afraid to do it so. I think having this as an option for people is necessary.

BGC: Who or what inspired you to do this?

Everybody in the nerd community, just because you go out and you see all these people in different costumes, and different clothes, and it's kind of like, “Oh wow, this is something that I can do or this is something I can expand upon.” Also, I'm just inspired by people that design that loud and proud geek wear. So people like Catherine Elhoffer of Elhoffer Design. Leetal Platt, I was at San Diego Comic-Con and she won the Her Universe fashion show but she does really amazing geek gowns and things. Then there's @thedesignergeek, I completely love their stuff. It's an abundance, it's a bunch of people, and it's also just the things that I'm into. I can look at Arrow and be like how can I turn these really tacky leather outfits they wear into something cool and cute and functional. So that's usually how I try to go about life anyway, I wanted to dissect my favorite fandoms and make them into wearable pieces.

BGC:  When it gets difficult, or you're having a bad week, or you get an assignment that you don't want to do, what continues to inspire you to go after it and take something like a Gentlemen Prefer Blondes and modernize it into Black Widow? If you feel like you’re being pushed to go in a more traditional direction, what keeps you inspired to stick to your guns?

I’m really fortunate enough to have two teachers that have backed me since day one. They didn’t quite understand it and I had to explain along the way but they 100% support this. I’m probably the only one in my program that’s doing this and even my classmates are really excited about it. In terms of taking a project that I’m not too thrilled about and putting my own spin on it, I think I just have to step away sometimes and think I’m not designing for myself. They always tell you never to design for you. So I figure out how can I spin this? How can I make this particularly nerdy? Who can I envision in this particular scenario and then I go from there and make it as much of me as I can.

BGC: Why do you think it’s important for Black people to create and be creative?

I always try to use the motto, “Be the change,” because there aren’t a lot of options and opportunities for me to begin with. I think it’s important to not give up because if you do, then you’re letting them win. It’s kind of hard, especially for me in particular because you rarely see any women of color win any awards for costume design or win any awards for fashion design in movies and TV. I have to remind myself that I’m working really hard and I want to keep doing this so that’s enough to drive me. It’s not going to change unless I somehow am that small percentage that help make it change. What you guys are doing is giving us the opportunity to voice ourselves and get put out there. If I can do it and there are people out there who want to do it, they definitely can and they definitely should. I don’t think what’s happening in the media and in the world, as scary as it is, nothing is going to change unless we force and make the change.

"It’s not going to change unless I somehow am that small percentage that help make it change."

BGC: So it’s interesting that you’re still in school, so creating is also apart of your studies, but how do you balance your creative life with the rest of your life?

I try to bring a bit of my creativity everywhere. I happen to work in fashion retail so I get to dress the floor mannequins, and I think how can I make this mannequin supremely nerdy today? The men's section for example, has Star Wars stuff, so I’ll give him a Star Wars t-shirt but slip on a nice $60 jacket and $70 jeans. I’m a Slytherin so I like to dress one of the lady mannequins in all green sometimes and pass it off as seasonal, it’s what’s in (but she’s also a Slytherin). I try to balance it by just making sure I’m providing myself any creative outlet if the opportunity arises. I know some people like to have breaks, but I’m a workaholic and once I’m into something I just keep doing it and I find ways to add it into everything that I do, no matter what, because that’s what keeps me going.

BGC: Have you thought about expanding and doing other things? If you could do any and everything what else would you explore?

Well I am a product of three college degrees, all creative. Fashion design is actually my third, so it’s not there yet. I have always been a creative person so anytime I get my hands on anything I think I can do I just go in 1000%. My first bout of college was a graphic design degree, which I do love, but I never saw myself sitting behind a desk staring at a computer all day, so I tabled that. My second creative degree was culinary with an emphasis on baking pastry, that was fun, I had a nerdy baking business for awhile and realized I liked doing it more for fun and less for pay, but it was good to have that knowledge. Now I’m doing this and this is it, I’m not going to go to college anymore, I’m almost 30, I need to hunker down. In a perfect world, I can combine all three of those into one insane business…

BGC: I’m thinking a boutique shop with cupcakes, have a cupcake while you shop…

Yeah, right? My bucket list dream was to own a brick and mortar place that specialized in nerd pastries, come get some Hagrid rock cakes for breakfast, and then I would sell things I designed and other geek fashion designers made on the side, meanwhile i could do my own graphics because I’m a graphic designer too. But I want it to be more than that, brick and mortars are there, but so very few of them cater to the community. I wanted it to be weekly movie nights, come chill and we watch movies, or game nights. Things that brought people in but also was a service and not just a building where you could come and get cupcakes and clothes, but that’s a bucket list goal. A more realistic goal I would like to be more on the designer side, I find sketching and drawing clothes more of my forte. I do like sewing but I realized I’m not the best at it and I don’t like working with industrial machines that much. I would also like to work in the TV and film industry if possible. If not doing designing, I played with the idea of styling for TV, so the people that go out and buy all the clothes the characters wear, or maybe designing for movies. I have a lot of things I’d like to do, it’s just a matter of figuring it all out once I graduate.

BGC: Any advice for creative people just starting to get interested in fashion?

Once you find whatever aspect of fashion that you love, just go for it. I’m 28, I’ll be 29 next year, there’s no such thing as no time or too late to start doing anything that you’re 100% passionate about. Definitely go for it. Two, if you can, get a sewing machine, they’re not the cheapest things but I started out with a $99 machine from WalMart and made all my cosplays on it and it lasted me a good while. It gave me the base for what I needed to understand about how a machine works. Lastly, there is absolutely nothing wrong with commercial patterns, don’t let anyone tell you that going to JoAnne’s and buying those $1 simplicity patterns when they’re on sale is bad. Pattern making is really hard and it’s something that I struggle with, but if you can sit down and read a commercial pattern for a top that you really like or a dress that you want to make, once you’ve figure that out, everything else is golden, you can do pretty much anything from there. Invest in a sewing machine, go out and buy some commercial patterns and just practice.

There are times when I go on social media and I get a little discouraged because there are women in the same industry as I am. Doing exactly what I want to do who are millions of miles ahead of me and I have to realize I got started later than them and I’ll get there eventually. My last bit of advice is don’t be discouraged, go to them for advice, ask them how can you do what they just did. Using everyone as resources, because I don’t think anyone gets really far on jealousy. Try to stay inspired, use the people around you as resources.

BGC: Any future projects or things people should be on the lookout for?

I’m trying to be really good about not jumping the gun until I graduate because school is a lot of work. Next semester is actually my last semester, and is going to be dedicated to a three outfit mini-collection, the Women of Comics collection. I am fully invested in designing and redesigning all of that and I’m working on my website for my portfolio and blog. I'm gonna showcase my collection at Cape & Cowl comic shop in Oakland. We are currently working on when that will be and what it'll entail, but that's something.

[listoriented]

Bioshock 2

Belatedly back to Rapture.

When/Where/Why: I bought Bioshock 2 from the Humble Store in September last year, four months ago, for a fiver, because it was the one Bioshock game I hadn’t played and I figured, as we slowly descended upon it’s spot in the alphabet, it was a now or never kind of thing.

What/Who: Bioshock 2 came out in 2010. It is set in 1968 in Rapture, fictional former libertarian utopia/lawless underwater urban experiment. It is the sequel to Bioshock, which came out in 2007 and was set in 1960. In both Bioshock 2 and Bioshock-the-First, Rapture is largely inhabited by “splicers”, who are junkies addicted to altering their DNA with sea-slug juice, and for various reasons they all seem to want to kill you, which necessitates you killing them, with the aid of guns and special abilities caused by DNA modifications called Plasmids which allow you do things like set people on fire and electrocute them.

In Bioshock 2 you inhabit the carapace of a Big Daddy (a recurring diving-suited, drill-armed monster from the first Bioshock). Your bonded “daughter” Eleanor was taken away from you by the game’s antagonist, angel-of-altruism Sophia Lamb, and you’ve got to save her/get her back, else you’ll fall into a coma/die and also maybe other bad things will happen.

It was developed by the 2k (mostly the Marin branch, supposedly).

Previous History: I’ve never so much as looked at a clip of Bioshock 2 before, but I did play the original Bioshock (on Xbox, hence why it isn’t on the Steam list) as well as 2013 successor-of-sorts Bioshock Infinite.

Duration: 10 hours.

Completion: Yep, on Normal difficulty, “Savior” ending pathway, 26/68 steamchievements unlocked.

It might be better if we divide this one up. Are you ready? Okay.

The (mostly) Good:

Are there better realised videogame locations than Rapture, weird time-bubble of urbanity UNDER THE SEA. Man, 2k hit the jackpot with this one - no wonder they brought it back for this sequel, and then again for DLC to the sequel’s sequel. The graphics are a bit cleaner this time around, and the overall aesthetic - once again informed by the faithful period interiors and advertising style, Nostalgia-era music and crackling tape-recordings - is a delight. I found myself unexpectedly pleased to be back in this post-war Atlantis of broken dreams.

The Garry Schyman soundtrack is still fantastic. There are some great dizzying orchestral sections in certain fight set-pieces, to go with the more generally perfect sense of ambience that Bioshock 2 continues from the original. The delivery of background story through the scratchy tape-recordings (a thing maybe pioneered by Bioshock-the-First unless I’m mistaken) is once again an enjoyable way to gather in plot information while you play, even if these are constantly left in game-breakingly stupid places, and they are sometimes annoyingly cut short by other events being located too nearby.

The actual mechanics were improved from Bioshock the First, too, and I’d say they also offer a better time than Infinite, which from memory was a step backward. The shooting and more general feel of the fighting itself is again nothing to write home about, lacking a certain physicality that many modern shooters consider as standard, and I don’t remember the particulars of the guns from the original to say what’s improved, if anything, from the predecessor. The plasmids do seem to combo better though (although the way the system was mapped to the keyboard was a hindrance in that regard - I should’ve changed that). Between the traps, plasmids and hacking It was actually possible to avoid shooting entirely for longish stretches of time, which I appreciated. Meanwhile the hacking minigame, which was novel but too long and disruptive in the first one, has been replaced with a shorter and simpler precision clicking game, and I appreciated that as well.

The it-is-what-it-is:

You’d think playing as a Big Daddy would be fucking awesome, as they were one of the most iconic “villains” of the first game, certainly the hardest recurring one on one bits, but actually it turns out to be a bit middling. You’re just a prototype, apparently, so it doesn’t feel particularly different to whoever you played in the first Bioshock, like, you don’t have all that much health (compared to say, all the other Big Daddies you’ll have to kill in the game), and you’re surprisingly nimble. It’s a bit disconcerting and forgettable, as in, it was something that I kept actively forgetting, and it was disconcerting whenever I was reminded that it was a thing. These reminders come in the form of the odd clunking and grunting noise, just to show that you are scary suited giant, not just a typical exposed flesh kind of guy, and you do get to use a nasty drill instead of the wrench that served us so well on our first trip to Rapture, so not all is lost I guess.

Bioshock’s weird trademark Vita-chamber system - whereby the game respawns you upon death with your enemies in the same condition as they were when you died - once again braces the hallways of Rapture, and once again it makes the flow of the game pretty awkward. It means if you just keep plugging away at a fight, you’ll eventually win by attrition no matter what. It also means that while death is usually not much of a setback, it can put you in a bad spot if you’re halfway through a difficult fight while low on relevant resources, perhaps leading you to die over and over, which gets frustrating. At least they bother sort of explaining how this mechanic works within the plot, which is more than most games ever bother to do with respawning systems.

Meanwhile, the new baddest/most-scary enemy to face in Bioshock 2 is the “Big Sister”, who are kind of like Big Daddies but more acrobatic, high-pitched and deadly. But the Big Sister kind of seems there…just because? Remind me, is it ever actually explained? Is the explanation any good? And after the first meeting with one they sort of lose their mystery and potency, and just become one more thing we have to deal with occasionally.

The (mostly) Bad:

(plot spoilers ahead)

Like the Big Sister, either I wasn’t paying attention and missed a heap of important and subtle points, or the broad story arc of Bioshock 2 just isn’t very good. I say this because not much of interest happens, it’s far less dynamic than Bioshock-the-First’s plot arc (which was admittedly always going to be difficult to live up to), and despite finishing the game just two days ago I forgot that you’re verbally accompanied almost the entire way along by a businessman named Augustus Sinclair, whose motivations are uncertain (what were they, again?). In fact, I can hardly remember anything other than the broadest lines of the whole thing, which might just be because the story is drawn entirely in broad lines.

That’s a shame because (as everyone probably knows), Bioshock the First became something of a talisman for games critics for a while. Not only did it invent one of the most interesting new settings and scenarios for shooters in a long time, it also brought notions of player choice to the fore of player awareness, contrasting this with a philosophically-driven story about ideas of choice, freedom, and how much of it people can or should have. At the time, everyone stood up and said: “Look! Look at what games can do that other media’s cannot! Such Art!” or something to that effect.

Which isn’t to say it was perfect, by any means. Both Bioshock 1 & 2 invoke clunky representations of the political ideas that they investigate, but don’t have a particularly strong or more complex message (or stimulation of discussion) than: political philosophy x or y taken to an extreme is Bad. Neither game really informs much of anything, despite all the pretenses of showing something important like Wow Look At What Games Can Do, not to mention dialogue sections which are crammed so full of unambiguous lingo - suggesting the game seems unsure that you’ll be on the same page as it and just wants to be double or triple certain - that we really have no lateral movement when it comes to interpreting them. Like, yeah, we get it - complete deregulation of law is bad, unwavering enforced utilitarianism is bad, autocracy of any kind is frikkin BAD. These don’t seem like discussion-provoking ideas to me, even if we are living in an age of re-emerging fascism where deeper critical engagement of political philosophy ideas in some ways should be more welcome and essential than ever.

To that end, although both games suffer from this oversimplification of ideas, Bioshock 2 is particularly disappointing because it lacks the cohesive sense of purpose and design that Bioshock-the-First has/had. While Bioshock-the-First equally lacked subtlety, it at least made sense at each different level of design/gameplay/philosophy/story - each layer had something that it seemed to say along the grain of another, even if it famously resulted in wild contradictions of experience. But Bioshock 2’s collectivist-critiquing story seems almost reactionary. It’s as though the writers have gone, “hmm, we were pretty hard on libertarianism back there, we better do something criticising collectivism to make sure the world knows we aren’t commies”, and then tried to do literally that using the same pieces they had available to them the first time around, rather than building a situation where they can effectively do this. It turns out you can’t make collectivist lemonade sauce using leftover libertarian lemons.

To illustrate this a bit further: Rapture is portrayed in Bioshock-the-First as a pretty fucked up place, a broken libertarian experiment in a vacuum, with all the fucked-upness about it being a consequence of this, the broken experiment, people having run amok as the result of a lack of governance, turbulent power wars as the result of class divides and struggles. So in Bioshock 2 we have a new leader and nemesis - Sophia Lamb - who believes firmly in what she calls “the family” ie people coming together for the greater good, I.e. the antithesis of (Ayn Rand) Andrew Ryan and co. But of course we’re still in Rapture, fucked-up Libertarian paradise, and so what we come up against is the consequences-of-broken-libertarian-utopia patched over with collectivist-autocrat-aiming-for-collectivist-utopia, and knowing that this political regime has been floated into a very unstable place in the first instance tells us that the apparent critique of it which follows cannot pack all that much punch, as it is not one which has been built from the bottom up and surely is more akin to the simplistic critique of autocracy in a power vacuum that we see again in Bioshock Infinite.

It turns out Lamb has some terrible/morally problematic ideas too - what a surprise - and that her drive to do things “for the greater good” lead her to do terrible things to others, including her daughter. This time around, the player making certain choices along the way is supposedly making a conscious act of rebellion against the idea that an enforced “for the greater good” regime can in fact be good if it is bad for us, the player. But of course, by trying to play through the game we are entering into a contract of no choice, or more accurately, the main choices are whether or not we play the game at all, and if we want to see the game out, we necessarily have to rebel against the antagonist, or in other words, the game will only ever let us act in our characters self interest, if we choose to play at all. Which is fine, but the ironies only ever run shallow, and I suspect these contradictions tell us nothing at all of importance.

But going back to the choices the game does deliberately offer us, like in Bioshock-the-First there are (I’m assuming) multiple endings depending on whether or not you decided to kill all the unarmed beings you meet in the game, which in this case refers not only to the little sisters, but three henchmen-like characters who stand in our paths throughout. I chose to not kill them because I am not a monster, but also because, like in Bioshock-the-First, I suspected there wouldn’t be substantial benefits to my playthrough or story outcome if I acted like a monster. The game uses this set of choices to show in the ending how the problem with Sophia Lamb (and therefore supposedly all collectivism), was that she didn’t believe that individuals could make good choices, BUT WE SURE SHOWED HER (by killing 500 of Rapture’s inhabitants and then sparing the few lives the game gave us a choice about), which, again, proves to not exactly be the fountain of deep thought we were perhaps wishing for.

IN SUMMARY: Bioshock 2 is a decent-ish shooter which makes a stab at moral-political thought-experiment, like it’s predecessor, but I’m sorry to say it comes up short. And that’s it, really. And it’s only been six or seven years since release, but in some ways it feels massively frustrating to play this now. The nothingness of it. The utter non-essentialness of it. Dear 2010, it hasn’t been long since we knew each other, but would you believe? A reality-TV star inheritance-billionaire has taken over democracy, and we’re all really fucking worried over here, so if your political thought-experiment can’t even convincingly hold itself together, don’t bother leaving it on the table.

Up next we have Bioshock 2: Remastered. Wait, wh-