#''you don't want to heal from depression bc you don't know who you are without it'' yeah no shit. if there's no depression there's no me

[hello-universe-lovers]

"I don't want to go back..."

On the first day of Chris--oh wait it's already passed in my timezone. Nvm. Anyway, Broken is done, yaaay! The girlfriends are reunited! Anyway, you know how it is. Spoilers beware!

So my interpretation of the Broken is a lil more...healthier than canon. I mean, she's still a depressed bean and all but unlike Cold, she's medicated/hj. Much like the Opportunist, I stamped way too many HCs onto her (actually my bf did, bc he's disabled and he's where I get most of my ideas from) so she is not 1-to-1. But when has a lil canon divergence stopped anyone? I still am happy with how she turned out and how her disability affects her!

Details time:

- Her Princess is the Wild. And the separation from her was rough on Broken. Because of her empathy, she truly thought that being connected was the right call. We both know how it ends, and the resulting split took her legs. When they got to the Wounded Wild, both can see the damage they caused the other, and so agreed to move forward from the pain, getting to know each other.

- She obviously lost her legs, up to her thighs are root. And they also sprout from her head, too. The flower is just to hide the hole that are now in her skull.

- her wings were stripped bare, boney and unable to grow new feathers. So she opted to wear a shawl over them so they didn't hurt.

- her walk is more like a waddle, if she's doing it alone. She'd prefer to move with assistance (mainly Cheated) but if push comes to shove, she'd move on her own...very slowly.

- she is still connected to the Wild. And more often than not, she'd go to her to assimilate into the system. It's mainly a coping and calming thing, as she and Wild talk better through this direct connection. To her, this is the equivalent of going to your friend's house for some chit-chat.

- her clothes were made by Smitten to be as comfortable and easy to pull off as possible.

- her talons are frequently trimmed

- as stated in headcanons, she smokes weed. Medicinal weed to cope with the pain.

- Obviously, sometimes things hurt. Her legs are a big contribution to the pain, but her head, chest and arms also flare up. It's something that happens and while she groans and moans about it, she'd just lay still until she can move again. (And pain medication if they are REALLY bad)

- the cane was provided by Wild. It's perfect for her and if you forcibly take it from her hands, the cane turns into a root to strangle you.

- it's hard to get her motivated to do so, but almost every voice has experience the Broken Bonk™️ of Disapproval from her cane (the ones who haven't are Connie, Hero and Cheated)

- she has channel most of her self hatred to unfiltered sass. She will call you out on bullshit while using herself as the goal post. ("At LEAST I have no legs. What's your excuse?" Is an example).

- wheelchair is also optional for long distance travel.

- if anyone can draw the back of her head, I will give you a free doodle. I just wanted to give her curls but idk how to make thst look, if you're looking from straight behind her.

- Despite EVERYTHING, she still loves the Wild. She views her as a fellow person looking to heal. With Cheated included, they formed a little support group for all the trauma these poeple went through. Mainly through providing a calming and empty space to get away from the chaos and noise of Construct (and sometimes each other).

- is she as zealous as canon Broken is with Tower? Eeehhh...a little. She would much prefer the interpersonal connection and sense of completion the Wild provides than the Distant but guaranteed Protection of the Tower, but separate the 2 princesses, and she'd still grovel to Tower exactly like canon.

- it goes without saying but I will say it so it's clear: if you draw my version of Broken, draw her with her mobility aids (Cane and/or wheelchair). They are a part of her and me and my bf would appreciate it greatly, if you do that.

Ok, that's all. If it's still Christmas in your timezone, then Merry Christmas!!

[daz4i]

ik it's not good to latch onto a mental illness as your defining trait but also. babe i don't have much else going on or any other sense of identity beyond it

[ca-suffit]

for some thoughts on the Louis "pushing" Lestat + Armand. Should go without saying that Louis did not deserve either (though unclear if Louis or Lestat started the fight that lead to dropping like if it's true Lestat wasn't fighting back. I blame writers and confusing unreliable narrations however I digress) being dropped by Lestat or left in pain by Armand (or screwed over several times by Armand).

So anyways I want to look at the *why* Louis has this pattern that isn't because he's the abuser or bad guy or the one in the wrong. As cheesy as it is, we accept the love we think we deserve, right? Louis has always had lower self worth and has struggled with his image, who he is, especially as a vampire. he dealt with all the complex + intersections problems of being a black semi closeted gay man in the timeframe of America it was set in (20's¿) socioeconomic status, the family problems. I mean even to book!Louis he was always like straight up depressed dude. And it's the whole like people search for red flags for the thrill bc they're used to the chaos hurt and pain? I view Louis very similar. Idk you see this self sabatoging behavior with a lot of trauma+ abuse victims, and it doesn't mean they're a bad guy but often I think Fandom is the place for nuance to die lol.

But I hope they carry on and have more of Louis on the show than the books did, and I hope they continue the character growth where we can see him actually heal and like gain a sense of worth. S1 he appeared to but in reality it was mostly fabricated lies. I hope they don't waste Jacob like that. But yeah I think just on a side note of psychiatric people like are so wrapped up in why mental illness and trauma effects lestat and Armands actions but do seem to demonize and ignore how the same shit effects Louis.

"people like are so wrapped up in why mental illness and trauma effects lestat and Armands actions but do seem to demonize and ignore how the same shit effects Louis."

this is exactly the problem and then it's usually followed by ppl's antiblackness jumping out. then if anyone points that out to them, they usually double down bcuz they don't want to feel like they're racist. the thing is tho, if u always double down when things are pointed out to u, who are u ever gonna be but that person? it's uncomfortable to face ur own biases but it's the only way to overcome them. we're all raised in societies that fill our heads with all kinds of crap we have to unlearn. u *have* to unlearn it tho or else ur just replicating it forever.

stuff dies in fandom bcuz environments are created on purpose for it to be like this. look how impossible it is to even talk about race or racism here (or any fandom). this account has to be anon and rely mostly on other anon asks in order to talk about anything. the fandom stays ignorant bcuz ppl fight hard to keep it that way.

the fandom used to be all about louis and coddling louis when he was white. it's only dropped off since the show started. lestat, armand, and louis have always been the three main characters in this fandom that ppl relate to the most. suddenly louis is the only black character and usually has a lot of black fans posting meta about him aaaand....here comes the lestat and armand ppl reframing it all as "actually if u look at *their* trauma......"

and, I mean, it's *not* technically wrong. like u wrote and like the show is saying too, these cycles *are* cycles. this is real life! nobody was talking like this before tho. character's trauma histories were not dragged up as much as they are now. anne rice didn't write her stories like the show is doing so ppl are not used to critically analyzing anyone's behavior. she glossed over a lot of conflict as the books went on. taking into account most ppl read these as kids too, a lot of fans coming from the books just don't know anything but their own connection (thru trauma too, usually) to these characters, who they have seen forever as "not doing any wrong" (or doing wrong but it feels "justified" somehow or they said they did wrong so it's "fine"). then the show is saying they do a *lot* of wrong and now here we are.

for brief comments on the fight again....arguments happen and shit gets out of control v easily. no fight is a play by play of which side did what thing and who "deserved" what. there won't be a real answer to most fights like this. but for 1x5 the show has already said lestat is the one who crossed the line. that's all that matters. it's also not damning for life, especially an immortal life. ppl have a hard time understanding any of this bcuz the society's we live in don't allow for anything but punishment forever when we break social rules. that's kind of all anne rice put into her vampire society too, so again....if u come from the books, it's not gonna prep u for the show.

I also don't think S1 was mostly "fabricated lies." I don't think the IWTV book was either, the way most book ppl weirdly believe. I think that's the other part of what makes ppl uncomfortable. ur version of who u think u are is not gonna be what others always see, especially ex partners. it's just something u have to accept. ppl aren't gonna have the same perception of the same events, even for stuff u would think would be the exact same story no matter what. louis and claudia are black and lived with a white man who was family but also literally controlled everything, intentionally or by default of being a white man. everything in S1 is accurate to that relationship in that way and tbh the only reason most ppl want it to be a lie is bcuz most ppl aren't used to seeing whiteness portrayed like that. they want the black man's perspective to be revoked somehow in whatever way so they can stop feeling like they have to take it seriously. it should still be taken seriously, it was saying a lot of real shit. I also believe emphasis was prbly added but as an overall commentary on a lot of things otherwise? S1 does *not* need to be forgotten or written off for *any* reason.

idk if I covered everything I was gonna say but this is already long. ur going in the right direction tho. a lot of ppl aren't asking these questions bcuz they don't want to see louis as a person, then white fandom intentionally makes it feel like u will be attacked if u say anything "racist," so ppl are afraid to say anything, look for attacks or attack otherwise themselves first when nothing is even there. even if there's stuff here I disagree with, it's still fine to have a conversation about it and look at our different perspectives. fandom has ppl in this mindset that it's all who is right or wrong instantly, but that's not....real. this show isn't telling a story of who is right or wrong anyway but ppl's racist's perspectives def hold a different weight that needs to be examined. most ppl just don't want to.

[ifishouldvanish]

(sorry, one more bc it's been on my mind for a long time)

I worry though, about... the dynamic. Can someone really find and bond with another through their grief and loneliness, without this grim depression they share becoming *worse?*

For me, personally, whenever I think about them... I think there's going to be a level of catharsis. They have something that would be very hard to find in another living being, and a certain love for humanity and the past that would be difficult to find among vampires, and this shapes them into shattered pieces which fit together. But would they still be able to find happiness? It kind of feels like they're two damaged clocks that have coincidentally been stuck on the same minute and hour hand. Would they be able to heal and move time forward?

Okay so like!!!!

I see it less about bonding over the shared grief itself and more about what their responses to that grief have exposed in each of them. Like, in the beginning and on the surface level, yes. It is the grief and loss and loneliness that brings them together. But they are foils!!! I'm telling you!!! They can learn from each other!!!

I've mentioned probably all of this before in scattered pieces across all my posts at some point but!! I think the lowest common denominator, the core of their dynamic, lies in how they seem to have established their senses of self.

Alucard struggles with how not to define himself by his father, and then having to define himself in opposition to his father. "Slave to our families' wishes" etc. And when that chapter of his life closes he's like, "welp, guess I'll just entomb myself here 🤷" until Trevor and Sypha are like "what?? Dude no??" And he's like "oh haha I guess you're right, I can uphold the legacy of the best parts of both of my parents!!" And they're like "ya!!" But then a month goes by without anyone coming round to say "hey!!! Share that knowledge with me!! Fulfill the role you've given yourself" and he is just... so fucking bored and unfulfilled?

He needed they-who-shall-not-be-named to come along so he could fill that role, needed Greta to come along so he could fill that role. He tells Greta about how rescuing others sort of fills a void for him/gives him purpose, which is honorable, yes. But like... It's also so sad imo?? This comfort in denying his sense of self? "I don't know what to do with myself, just gimme a shout if the world ever needs saving again"?? Like Alucard, honey, babygirl, sweetheart... you need to learn to live for yourself 🥺

Olrox on the other hand is... not selfish exactly, but he knows what he's about and he refuses compromise himself. You killed the only man I ever loved? Okay, then I'm killing you, and no, I don't care if your nine year old son witnesses it. You want the juicy story of why that boy is terrified of the big bad vampire? Okay, but you will learn about my humanity first so you can sit with your cognitive dissonance about it later. You think I'm just going to throw myself at your feet because you promise us all eternal night? How about you kindly go fuck yourself? You happily stump for Erzsebet because she promised you that she'll create a world that will allow you to relive your glory days? Couldn't be me!

Like obviously we have a much more limited viewpoint for Olrox because we know so much less about him and his past, but this is not a guy who's waiting for someone to give him a purpose. He acts alone, he doesn't play nice with others, he has his own agenda, and is even a little bit of a hedonist: investigating the relationship between the abbot and Erzsebet? Might as well fuck a hot monk while I'm at it. I said eat the rich, but I might as well look good doing it. You hate/fear me cause I killed your mom? Get over it already. You think the opera singing night creature is annoying? Well, I'm familiar enough with opera music to know he's actually reading you all for filth, so I think it's great!

I think at the end of the day, Alucard is a character who defines himself by others, not understanding why he still feels so empty and alone. And Olrox is a character who defines himself by his own terms, but in being caught between both human and vampire worlds has learned to push people away because he thinks he is better off that way. But by the end of the season, his worst fear is realized: I cannot do this alone. I am at the mercy of someone else's help.

But Olrox isn't like anyone else Alucard has rescued before. He's a fellow vampire. He's a fellow immortal. He's going to be around for as long as he is. And maybe, in that time, a little bit of that ego can start to rub off on Alucard. Maybe he can learn to live for himself without apology, without feeling like he has to atone for the sins of his father. Maybe, just maybe, he can learn to exist outside of the role of the mythical savior.

Because Olrox doesn't want one of those—heaven's no. He can take care of himself, thank you very much. But what if he could learn he doesn't always have to? Who better to restore his faith in the world than the guy who has his mother's conviction that all of this mess is worth saving so deeply ingrained in him that it's been the primary source of his identity for centuries?

I'm starting to ramble here so I hope this is coherent, but in conclusion: they would be so restorative for each other and look so hot together and that is why I believe in Alurox supremacy 🙏

[cuteniarose]

tell us abt meifeng here too plz!

(anon just found ur art blog post lol)

Oh sure!! I was just thinking about her earlier today lmao

So I'm not gonna repeat most of the stuff I've already said about her on my art blog, anyone's who's curious can just go here and read it for themselves, but I will give a brief rundown:

Meifeng – born in about 120-121 AG, give or take a couple of years. She/her, cis, not quite sure about her sexuality yet. A waterbender who specialises in healing. She's Ming-Hua's older cousin, the daughter of Nuying's (Ming-Hua's mom) older half brother, who was often in charge of babysitting her because Nuying's mental state wasn't the most stable after her husband left. Years later, Meifeng was the one who tried to stop Ming-Hua from running away, who remained at Nuying's side as she died (the exact circumstances of which I described in my art post and have actually cried over. It's really a gutpunch and a half), and who taught Suiren the basics of waterbending. That last point makes her an incredibly emotionally conflicting character, at least to me, because she's yet another adult in Suiren and Midori's life who failed them :/

Now, onto some more fun and hopefully less depressing stuff:

I imagine Meifeng and Ming-Hua's relationship to be somewhat similar to some aspects of Nani and Lilo's from Lilo and Stitch, mostly in the sense of Ming-Hua being an uncontrollable little chaos gremlin who Meifeng cannot turn away from for one second without her running off somewhere ("UGH, you're such a pain!!" "So why don't you sell me and buy a rabbit instead?!" "At least a rabbit would behave better than you!" "Great, then you'll be happy cause it'd be smarter than me too!!" "And QUIETER!!!" "You'll like it cause it's STINKY like you!!!!". Also, the gravity scene has them vibes too). She succeeded in stopping multiple of Ming-Hua's attempts to go too far outside their village but the second Ming-Hua learned to climb trees it was all over, it's impossible to catch up to her when she's in full on Tarzan mode. Meifeng's probably the only one of Ming-Hua's relatives to have ever met Ghazan because she's bound to have seen him while going to Gaoling to drag Ming-Hua's ass back home. But to her credit she never told anyone where exactly Ming-Hua was always running off to because she knew she'd get reprimanded for it as well. Eventually if she knew Ming-Hua was going to meet up with Ghazan, she'd let her go and would just spend the day off doing her own things away from the tribe so if anyone asked, she could say Ming-Hua was with her. #bestwingwoman

As Ming-Hua grew older their relationship started changing because it became clear Ming-Hua's thirst for freedom wasn't just her being a little brat or a bout of childish rebellion. Meifeng may have aided her in many things, but she was strictly against her running away for good. Their conversations became rather focused on things like "I know auntie can be... a little much sometimes, but she's your mother, she just wants the best for you". This, of course, pissed Ming-Hua off to no end and their relationship soured as she stopped confiding in Meifeng. Perhaps Meifeng eventually told Nuying about Ghazan and Gaoling and everything else in hopes that maybe at least her own mother would be able to talk some sense into her. That backfired majorly, resulting in a huge fight between Ming-Hua and Nuying. Luckily (or not, depending on who you ask), Ghazan ran away himself not long after so Ming-Hua wasn't placed on house arrest or watched like a hawk or anything since everyone thought her main influence was gone, but she still refused to say a single word to Meifeng for YEARS right up until she caught her running away in the middle of the night at age 15

Afterwards, Meifeng spent a lot of time comforting her aunt and just in general keeping her company whenever she could. And like I said, she was the one with Nuying when she passed, but I don't really want to linger on that bc it'll make me sad again so... regarding her relationship with Suiren. Meifeng knew her when she was very little but post-RL-imprisonment didn't see her again until she was 11. I know that in UtOS specifically Kat and I make a very big point out of Suiren not wanting to learn waterbending from anybody but her mama, but in that verse she's a traumatised seven year old child who, if she can't get her mama back, just wants everyone to leave her alone. In SotRL by the time she was 11 she had already accepted that her life wasn't going to change on its own, no one was coming to save them, nobody cared enough about them to do so. If she wanted to get herself and Midori away from Haya, she had to take matters into her own hands, and that meant learning waterbending. But it was forbidden in Haya's house and her skills atrophied over the years, so she couldn't do it alone. She remembered that her mother has family in the Swamp so maybe someone there could help her. It wasn't Mama, sure, but the swamp bending style is probably similar enough to Ming-Hua's unique one that it's easier to stomach than, say, learning northern style from Ikiaq. Meifeng took up teaching her and was rather impressed at how quickly she picked everything up, and maybe even shared some of what Ming-Hua had told her about her own unique style, how she relies on her spine and shoulders and all that, to help Suiren mimic it at least somewhat. But as nice and helpful as she was, she still ultimately refused to take Suiren and Midori in, even after being told that Haya is physically abusive, and Suiren never quite let go of that hurt and though the lessons continued because she had no other choice, she became even more closed off than she already was. Meifeng regrets that to this day but what she is regret if her choices meant Suiren and Midori needlessly suffered for another 12 years when it could have been different???

So this is basically the extent of what I have for now, I know all of it is based around Meifeng's relationships with other people rather than who she is on her own, but that's because her role in the story is a supporting one so I never really gave her much thought as an individual. Hope this still manages to satisfy your curiosity, though :)

[will80sbyers]

Not to milk this topic but it makes more sense for Will to have IH and depression than Mike too. All the angsty filled narrative that ppl try to attribute to Mike does fit Will's character better.

Will gets taken to the UD and everyone thinks it is a hatecrime. Maybe Will does think he deserved to be taken too. (When it is cold I would like to d1e) doesn't so good if you think about it. He ofc doesnt want to off himself but you can imagine the guilt, shame and self loathing he probably feels for being taken and involving others in this mess, he probably would blame himself for it. In S2, he got possessed and THEN AGAIN his friends had to get involved in this mess again and he had to force to unalive people. Not to mention rather unfortunate implications of his body and mind being taken over.

Then Will gets forgotten by his friends bc his friends have girlfriends now and they are grown up. Will most likely suffers alone and has an angsty breakdown finally. He is forced to move from his home town, forced to watch his sister and the boy he loves love each other, has no friends and has to live with being gay and closeted without not realling coming out to anyone.

He cannot heal from his UD/MF/Supernatural/Vecna trauma because he has been forced to not heal. Now he learns that there has been this evil man behind everything and he is forcefully connected to the big bad of the show, having to hear and feel this man and this man's thoughts and feelings against his own will and he just keeps coming at him too.

All of those angsty narratives that ppl try to attribute to Mike is Will basically. Again, not saying Mike has 0 problems but it's just confusing the narrative atp.

oh, totally agree!

That's why I can't think about Will without wanting to cry...

that kid is not okay, he's just "lucky" that he has amazing people around him and a very very strong character, personally I don't know if I would have the strenght he has after experiencing all of that, I really admire him so much and he's my favorite because I think he is one of the most amazing characters in the show and he shows resilience no matter what life throws at him, he can find some light to hold on to and I think that's beautiful and almost inspirational...? not saying that who doesn't have the strenght to fight is bad or wrong etc, it just depends on the person, for some people the pain is too much and I don't blame them... but Idk personally Will makes me want to "keep fighting" and he's so selfless and good and cares so much about people... everybody would be so so lucky to have him in their life...

I just want him to be really happy in the end of the show

[phoenixfire-thewizardgoddess]

fic random prompts for Vox Machina based on weird thoughts i've had about them

power swap

body swap

the one that has magic is now very stressed out bc its temporarily gone and life without it is HARD possibly paired with the one who never had magic is accidentally fucking shit up by having it temporarily

cursed object

cursed object that does something that's a bit fucked up but kinda funny when you think about it

make them poly

everyone has to trade weapons or classes for the day to see how the other side of the equation or party works

so you've been turned into an animal by (friend/enemy)...

spell went super weird and now there's (insert chaos here)

technially the potion was made right, but like the gorgon scales were from east fantasyland not west fantasyland and that... had some consequences

poison in the food / for extra spicy, poisoned group meal

kidnapped and/or tortured and all hope is lost/feel the others aren't coming and then BOOM they come through the wall like the koolaid man to save the day

drunken hijinks

accidental superpowers for a bit

demonic possession

that one dude who died didn't (yay)

that one dude who died did, but apparently ghosts are a thing

turns out the bard can seduce the whole team

your dead parents have been reanimated by (evil doer) to mess with you pyhologically. (Get free therapy walloping them back to undeath?)

major unexpected weather event puts the group in danger and someone has to be stupidly heroic (and/or the adult)

Everyone's had a bad time and their worst qualities are on show, the fighting is tearing the group apart. Someone has to be the Adult.

Altered state (drugs, altered reality with spell or tech, drunk, head injury)

The one that dislikes being vulnerable needs reassurance when they are

PRANK WAR

Fake family where the characters have like 0.02 seconds to make up a convincing reason that character A and B are the parents of C (D, E, etc). Even if A is a gnome and C is a goliath.

fake wedding that's actually a heist, but we actually had to marry to get the crowd to cher loud enough to cover the sound of the explosion and now it's awkward in the group

The Adults in the group start using subtle behaviour management responses to misbehaviour (even if it means someone puts someone on timeout mid-battle, and gives like stickers for good behaviours) "If you don't stop fighting I'm turning this art around and there'll be NO fighting dragons today!" as a legit threat

Someone thought to be uncaring or comic relief has one on one moments where they really connect with the others and bring them out of darkness

The louder they laugh, the harder they cry (little fucked up but keep them laughing so they'll never know)

So you have at least 23 children out there across the land and you're being chased for alimony...

Fuck it, everyone gets wings for a fi for no real reason

Soulmate au, but there's a price like... if you know who it is but refuse them, you start to die slowly. or if they've been spelled/other, it can warp the name/symbol or maybe where the name is is where they will hurt you the most and yours is over your heart, you expect heartbreak but no they stab you

You have to explain to your patron deity how being in a Gnomes Gone Wilde pamphlet is, in fact, missionary work of the highest order

One of the party does something horrendously sacriligious in the temple and now the cleric has to deal with it

Someone argues directly with a god and tells them to fuck off, either it goes exactly how you'd expect or they get gifted for their gall

the Cleric has decided that you only get one heal a week bc they're tired of your shit, and the times they break it

you have an injury that no one else needs know about bc you don't want to bother them... and that works until you half-die in your evening meal

mixed a potion of No Sleep and its been four days, the others are concerned

the We Love you You Depressed Bastard so lets get you showered fic

ye olde first aid course for dummies

the rogue uses stealth to try and sneak as much off a party member as they can before the target notices. You wish the goliath had noticed before the loincloth came off, but... you're just that good. [additional: You manage to get several shirts off before your target notices, and that's funny but now you're concerned these people have no self awareness and need to have a talking to]

A teammate is basicaly a disney princess and the plants growing in her wake make general household cleaning a problem

Grow plants with magic? Yes Gardening? It's on fire and you only planted daisies, what happened?

You're the tank and think people should just let you be the shield. Here's a few times they didn't and you realised they cared, but are also stupid bc they're small and got hurt and now you have to be worried about them.

Party tricks with your powers/weapons and/or competitions in the party

So you accidentally adopted a baby during a quest... Bonus: the baby has powers and its terrifying, but you all asume levitation is like, normal, bc no one is a parent

Someone unexpected gets pregnant (and it might be a demon or something with fifteen rows of teeth but you knt it booties all the same)

You use your animal speak abilities for EVIL

Someone's hiding a secret ability [bonus: its mundane as hell, so they assume everyone can do it but surprise, its low level magic eg. like they can just KNOW how to make something after tasting it once, or they've never broken a bone despite falling out of trees a lot, or they can soothe any infant handed to them instantly, or their singing makes plants grow but they assume its because speaking to them helps them feel lush etc]

Everyone's singing except the bard, what kind of spell is this?

Everyone gets to just go absolutely apeshit, as a treat, against the villain of their choice

Someone slipped a cursed amulet in your pocket and now mildly inconvenient things are happening

Super mega group friendship powers activate e.g. there's something one of them can only activate with their group involved, focused or touching

Group tattoos/marks Bonus: the hangover style wake up with new tattoos and a giant weretiger in the bathroom that the bard doesn't recall seducing... but isnt oposed to trying (again)

Platonic soul bonds that are images you match with others your group of adventurers is symbolised by (insert image here)

The alternate time opportunity One o you gets the chance to change their fate at a pivotal moment in their life... everything shifts to a new timeline, but its clunky. So vague memories of someone they're supposed to be, a different world, come back in dreams

Shared nightmare

Monster of the week shennanigans

Someone gets bitten or injured by something that begins to change them and the others need to take a perilous journey to save them / get the antidote

using magic outside its intended purposes eg don't try this at home kids

Suubus/Incubus/Siren nonsense... and the bard is offended, but wins everyone back anyway

[highqueenofelfhame]

Hi I saw your post about fics being in character and I thought this could be a good opportunity to share some insight to help people who struggle with their characterization. I love your writing and ask could you share some traits you see as 'core' Rowan and Aelin traits? Maybe more valuably, would you be open to sharing your process for what you look for in the text when understanding characters, what stands out to you and what you make sure to include vs what you don't? I understand if this isn't something you want to share and I send this ask with good intentions and respect and hope this can start a productive discussion, no drama. Thanks :))

totally okay that you asked this!!

i think part of it is that i have read everything up to EoS so many times. like at least four times each and i've read heir of fire and queen of shadows probably six times each. i've only read kingdom of ash once bc it's still too painful to read again lmaoooo.

when i write i also always look for any chance i can to make parallels. i love making canon parallels to anything from small moments to bigger ones that are more recognizable. like the rowaelin qos reunion, rowan's "where is my wife" moment. rowan and aelin sparring in any capacity, like, anything like that. because i think that helps when you're pulling from the text and putting them into situations where you know how they interact with them, and it makes it easier to add in bits and pieces before and after. if that makes any kind of sense. (this also goes for legit any ship that i write. nessian, feysand, etc. pulling from the text and putting them in familiar situations will always help.)

as far as traits go, one of my major ones that i always try to keep in mind is rowaelin's loyalty to each other. rowan is like loyal to aelin almost to a fault sometimes. he will do anything and everything for her. when it comes that's why their thing is "to whatever end." they will follow each other to whatever end and beyond.

aelin has a very low opinion of herself. she thinks that she's expendable compared to those around her. she is very depressed sometimes and i think it gets overlooked a lot. (when i get my books back from my sister, i plan on doing a meta about this.) but she's been through a lot in her life and i try to keep that in mind in a lot of au's. some au's that are heavier (like iihasts and fafs) i try to pull on that. her mental health is very important to a lot of the way she handles things. post KOA, i know this girl has PTSD. it's evident in the way she handles a lot and takes a long time to warm back up to rowan in kingdom of ash. but she was tortured and manipulated for months. she's not okay.

people (in the books) also call her selfish A LOT but most of what she does she does for other people. she even spared dorian the weight of killing his father and told him she did it. like, come on.

as celaena, she does lean on the more selfish side, but as aelin she's doing everything she does for the greater good of the entire world. she didn't forge that lock for herself. she forged that lock for a better tomorrow for everyone she loved. which is incredibly selfless. she would also completely throw down to keep her loved ones safe.

the arrogant behavior is such an act. she's not really like that, it's a cover to hide everything she's truly feeling inside, to protect herself, to keep people from truly getting to know her. she can flip her personality to better suit the situation and the people she's around. she's mostly only her true self around aedion, lysandra, and rowan. i don't even think she really reveals herself to the rest of the cadre for probably a very long time. she picks fights when she's hurting the most and rowan is really the first person to see and recognize that. (very evident in hof when she sees what a good person gallan appears to be and goes and picks a bar fight immediately. or when arobynn humiliates her and she wears her nicest jewels to try to intentionally get robbed so she can start a fight.)

the reality is that she's an insanely hard worker, she keeps going and going and going to meet to meet her goals. she's a master strategist and very quick on her feet in any situation she finds herself in. she feels isolated (which goes back to her depression and ptsd) and she feels misunderstood. but she has been known to literally give the cloak off her back (with kaltain) and the money in her pocket (with yrene) and doesn't expect anything in return. literally nothing in return. she just did it out of the goodness of her own heart, yet she's constantly filled with self doubt that she's a bad person because people tell her that she is (chaol literally calls her a monster and she holds onto that and ends up asking rowan if she is one.)

she gives a lot of forgiveness and second chances, except to abusers. she pulls no punches with them. yet even with arboynn, she made sure there were no redeeming qualities left before letting lysandra kill him. instead of seeing it as a victory, though, she just felt hollow. she doesn't take joy in killing these people. she is not a bad person.

she feels a lot of guilt when she feels she could have stopped things. i think she carries those moments with her. which is why she helped those people the king wanted dead to escape in com. she has no problem ending people that deserve the punishment, but when they don't, she does what she can to help them.

rowan is so respectful. he finally gets his mate and his wife and his love back and he's consistently giving her the space she requires when it's so hard for him to not just touch her. he puts his own needs aside consistently based on what aelin needs.

he's a complete and total hardass to other people but is so soft for her. but he's also territorial about her. he's protective of her. but never at the cost of what she needs and wants. however, he will put his foot down and make people swallow their own tongues if they're disrespectful toward her. but he's also respectful toward everyone, not just aelin. he can prove his points without physical violence even if he would want to.

in that same vein, if you're doing enemies to lovers, he doesn't understand her at first. he think's she's spoiled and doesn't have a single clue about the trauma she's been through and he's very hard on her. he treats her like another warrior in their training. he doesn't go easy on her just because she's a woman (which also still comes from a place of respect) but the second he finds out about her trauma the way he treats her shifts. he becomes protective because he doesn't put up with that kind of shit. he isn't torturing her in their training, in fact aelin in hof says that he's brilliant even if he beats the shit out of her every damn day. a lot of people try to twist that into a thing of abuse, but again, he's training her like a warrior. he doesn't coddle her and she doesn't want to be coddled. again, this comes from a place of respect.

he also learns from his mistakes and tries to right them, and takes action to better himself from it as soon as he can. this is important. he has the humility to apologize, whether it be by actions or words. he doesn't ask for credit in the things he does and ends up kind of making jokes about it. i think he has a lot of humility at the end of the day. he is quick to forgive others when it's deserved but has a lot of trouble forgiving himself. this is also important.

but rowan also has a playful side with aelin. they have witty banter that they exchange even when they're not totally on board with the other. he's funny in subtle ways, and toward the end of the series we see that he's so wholly comfortable with her that he even gets a little silly.

after his own trauma, he also falls into a very deep depression. for centuries. it took aelin coming along for him to come back out of his shell. everyone gave up on him, but aelin never did. just like he never gave up on her, and they were able to walk out of that darkness together. i also think he feels a lot of guilt when innocent lives get put in danger and risk or die at his hands when he felt he could have stop it, much like aelin.

rowan is also very calm in most situations. he's able to work out solutions like the warrior that he is even when other people are losing their minds, which makes him a very good soldier and eventually king.

i could keep going but this is getting wildly long lol. i hope this helps even a little. thank you to @westofmoon @whimsicallyreading @punkassbookjockey26 for helping me with my thoughts as i'm still exhausted from surgery and healing.

[thisdreamplace]

So, I'm the anon who sent that long ask about the void. And your answer made me realise a lot of things. So I decided to find out what my inner, core beliefs are and what my belief system is like. I realised I hadn't at all been acknowledging my old story and I couldn't change it or let go of it without finding out what it was.

So I talked to myself, and I wrote it all down, and it was. Depressing. I didn't realise how many deep-rooted, awful beliefs I had about myself and my life. Obviously those were the things that would keep on playing out regardless of whether or not I forced myself to not acknowledge it. Because those were the things that I actually, really believed deep down inside.

I've realised that two of my biggest problems are lack of self worth and anxiety. And I can kind of see where they came from. Not fully, I still need to do that work and unpack that so I can start to understand it, but kind of. My problem now is that these two problems are very deep-rooted and I am not sure at all that I'll be able to effectively fix those problems and heal myself. These sound like problems you'll need long, intensive therapy to fix. And I got really overwhelmed and upset thinking about that, so I started to wonder, can I manifest confidence, getting rid of my anxiety, and better mental health? All things are possible, right? So I should be able to do that. I've seen a few success stories about people manifesting better mental health for themselves, and I want to do that too.

But I don't want to fall into the trap of lying to myself all over again. I know that I need to change my beliefs but I have no idea where to begin.

Any advice? How can I manifest better mental health without making the same mistake again?

hello <3 i’m glad to hear back from you !

hmmmm to be real with you, when something was deep and painly engraved, i had to work through it. while knowing that this wasn’t my end, it wasn’t my story. just something i had to feel out as it released. so i guess that’s my only advice to you.

don’t neglect yourself because of your manifestation — as in, all because you’ve manifested better mental health, it does not mean that you cannot feel low or cry or whatever else you may perceive negatively. do not deny yourself the journey and process, because that isn’t helpful. you think you’re doing the right thing bc “well if i have better mental health then im happy and thats final !” or smth like that. but no ! not at all. it’s really about honoring yourself in every moment and being your #1 supporter. so i think this is the way you can keep yourself from falling back into trying to force a belief that simply isn’t working — don’t judge yourself. decide on your desire and know that nothing you experience along the way is hindering you.

also, don’t label yourself so terribly. could therapy help ? absolutely. and it’s a wonderful option for many, but it’s not always affordable and accessible. don’t look at what’s within you as a terrible hurdle to overcome — take it day by day. it was never stopping you, you stopped you. and this releasing process allows you that freedom that you couldn’t see was always available to you through the darkness that lingered. so breathe. this isn’t about fixing yourself — it’s really about accepting and loving yourself unconditionally more. and you realize your limitations were only limits because you saw them that way and now you get to change the narrative. that’s all it is. don’t let yourself see this as a chore. full honesty (even when it’s ugly) with yourself is the way.

also here’s this post again bc it really gives you the process from start to finish. do you need to follow this perfectly ? absolutely not. you have to be willing to play around and find your own way that really speaks to you. but this is a great outline to begin with.

i hope this helps. i wish you all the best 💓

[like-the-rest-of-la]

The pain that 5x13 put me in- my dad is currently in the military and had to go to war more than once, and seeing the writers go for the problems veterans have to go through in the US and in nearly all countries in the world makes me happy. (But damn! I wasn't ready for all of them to be dead wtffffff- my heart- my headcanons- help)

I just have to wonder, do you think they'll go as far as make Eddie have suicidal thoughts? Or depression, PTSD, etc? I just don't know if they will really put words to the situation they created.

heeey, sorry for the late answer, somehow I only saw that I had this ask now 💛 (this is gonna be a pure rambling sorry)

Yeah, I'm really glad that they went there as well. It hurt to watch because - and kudos to Ryan for the acting here - it felt so damn raw and real and my heart broke as well in that scene. But I love that we get to see the depths of how much war and the experiences around that can seriously fuck with you and how that trauma can manifest in your life. We've seen glimpses of it during season 3 (and honestly, I am still crying at Eddie saying he doesn't really feel emotions he knows he's supposed to feel... like damn) but Eddie was able to 'shove it all back in a box' back then bc he still had his job and his support system around him - the well hadn't happened yet, he hadn't been shot in the middle of LA...

I feel like so many people have already pointed out really amazing things about how the show portrayed this whole breakdown and everything leading up to it. How Eddie listening into the 'If I don't operate out of fear and it goes away, how am I supposed to operate?'-call features into it all... how the ways in which the people Eddie had saved, died, mirrored emergencies and tragedies in Eddie's personal life - like, from a writing perspective my jaw is still on the floor - that was so well done.

I think what Eddie's story (from the fight club arc, over Eddie begins, to Eddie dealing with the shooting, his panic attacks and now his break down) shows so brilliantly, is how there's such a disconnect and dissonance between how you're feeling when you 'come back' from war/ survive a trauma vs. how everyone else who hasn't been to war / hasn't experienced what you've lived through is behaving. And Eddie has never been given the opportunity to find a healthy coping mechanism, to simply feel his feelings without guilt. (fuck his parents, especially his dad, for getting it into his head that showing emotions is weakness, that you have to move forward all the time, plus the way Eddie said, after he pulled his team out of the helicopter crash and saved them that it hadn't felt like it was enough - THAT MUST HAVE COME FROM SOMEWHERE like I AM SO MAD ABOUT THAT) Because Eddie is such a gentle and kind person, I always got the impression that he feels SO much, but constantly forced himself to suppress it (out of self-preservation bc he didn't want to break down, and out of these learnt behaviours). And suppressing all the things he is feeling has hurt him so much. I'm so happy he's gonna be on his healing journey now.

Re: the second part of your ask... I feel like we're heavily in the middle of a depression/ptsd arc even without it being explicitly named, because that's what we're watching - it's been unfolding all season. And... the way Eddie behaved during the hostage situation, how he basically was calm and collected until he got Buck out of it all and then - I mean we've been joking about Eddie being a petty bitch in that situation, but, like ... he didn't really care what was happening to him at all and I feel like that was very telling in a way.

And like, I know we all talk about Buck being the one who said: 'It would have been better for him if it was me who got shot.', but honestly, I think Eddie operates under the premise that: 'if it has to be anyone, it's okay that it's me, it should be me', as if his presence alone is somehow something he needs to atone for?!?!? As if, when something happens to him, and not someone else, at least it makes sense somewhere, as if that's the prize he has to pay for existing as himself?!? So he desperately self-contains his pain, shoves down having wants and needs, bc he thinks letting it out will only ever lead to dragging the people around him down with him (another big fuck you to his parents, HELLO!?!? (also, again, that shit had to come from somewhere even before Eddie joined the army and I need to know more about who Eddie was before Christopher was born!!)) and that's why he had to reach that rock bottom... I think @catdadeddie mentioned it in her tags somewhere, the fact that Eddie called Mills, and was confronted with the worst case scenario of Eddie not dealing with his trauma, was ... phew... but it also served as a catalyst for Eddie to say: 'I can't do this anymore, I don't want this for myself anymore, I want to feel something else, I want to be happy again.' And because Buck is there now, it will also need to the realisation that he doesn't have to shoulder all of it alone. That Buck will be there and keep him company in his mess... (like, this is one of the most beautifully stories told ever... I'm still losing it)

[add-the-account-yourcosmicguide]

So I revamped my account profile. Again. .. I get easily bored of looking at the same theme over and over, it's just another symptom of my A.D.H.D brain hahahehe

Who misses this version ?

Now my blog is a little bit better. It's a bunch of chaos still I know lllol😆🥰😍🙃 that's all part of my show buttt🥰but but thix time at least I'm feeling thd vibe of my profile a bit more ... its more tuned jnto my aura anc my mood.

And I bet I may change it again too.

What yall thinking?

I'm enjoying the two games events that I've got going on on my blog currently especially since yall give me such detailed feedback about my vibe and the vibe of my blog and how I come across and eh wow dudes yall must have known me in z past life of some shit !!??? Because like each kf you guys had something right intriguing to say about me without really even talking tk me before ! But I guess it's cuz mmm I leg it al, hang out on my blogwho I am, I'm not hiding that's for sure j just straight shoot fell what's on my mind and I will sag THERESOOOMHCCHMORE THAT IMNOT SAYYING due to thd fact that I for the most part am sort of hiding the reality and severity of my illnesses dud to myself wanting to keep it private bc it usually leads to lots ov trouble the more I speak about my cancer,.. and other debilitating mental and cognitive factors and disease or illness that I've struggle with, flr damn solong.

It seems like my bad witch too tough like a grunge aestetics acting likd a goth that is the theme of my tumblr (such I relate to in subtle ways compared to mh normal, style) If seems that it had a big bad negative effect on my ask box. OK ok that's such an extreme lol 😆 but I mean yall might of got a perspective of the OLD ME through that view of my blog ... like yeh when I use to be a teen and had lots more health and vitality and my kickass style was rockin my socks instead of hospital gown gear and I.V dreading bedding in this damn depression of my anxious corner of my mind and my weak body but yah I am tough exterior like I take no shit that's for sure and sassy sure I'm able to sass you lol it's just my energy level these days isn't the goth hard-core witch fae I use to be as much I'm milder and calmer but hysterical at the same time because I'm dying 😅🙃 and this is crazy I haven't come to terms with it , I don't have my bucket list cleared I'm so lost ....

Eh but yah so many of you took my blog and viewed it as if it'd style was an example of me , but clarifying it's the old me thanks for describing znd reminding me who I am really am and eh j just got turned around and lost myself. This is the new me .

My old blog was jusg an outfit in mg closet I'd wear out on nights I felt that 2014 nostalgia of Tumblr being the aestetic blog it was lol

Yall mistook me a bit. I can ooze confidence and sexuslity and can be a sex kitten oozing self confidence and sticking thd mild finger to the air but...

Now I lay in bed do not party hardy or drink Baacardii. I barely get my ensure and boost down without throwing up !! #sickypoo -spooniewitch

I'm hardly anything likd thd beauty I once was

Need your help people

I'm in a sick sick 😷🤧 time of my life so desperately clinging to barely nothing to hope for the future seems so bleak...

Iv got ZERO donations and my operation is scheduled in 8 weeks . To remove thd xanceruus mass on my kidneys abd bladder . I ain't to go to bathroom regular.

Please some people should consider donating so I can live another year or so then from there get the home therapy j need from the nurses anc get better because as it stands ima goner.. won't be here for more than a couple weeks more living on this planet abc I rea,kg enjoy Shamanic Healing I'd likd to do more pick a carss too and tell ysll who yuf Spirit guides ard abx who yyr soulmate ix even twinflame, I'm available for the game think about seeing mh article ad just on my profile peeps

I'm in o so soo much dxmn pain, wish these painkillers would work longer than 20mins . Not good enough .... I cannot sleep. I have no support here. Ivc how nobody

😥sad sad sad

To donate my public PayPal email is cosmicmysticguidance@gmail.com

www.paypal.me/cosmicguide

[one-abuse-survivor]

before i start, thank you so much for doing what you do;this blog has given me good advice countless times and i really have to thank you for that.

my issues with my parents are that they don't take me seriously. i can literally go up to them and say: "mom/dad, i think i might be autistic or have ADHD (both would be quite likely) can i get that checked out" and list a bunch of examples why i think that and they'll just be "nah, that can't be, you don't seem like that at all" as of i didn't break my mind over it researching it and talking to people who have it to see if we've had similar experiences just to get some kind of reference as to why i feel the way i feel and why i struggle so much with things that so many other people find so easy.

but then, in the following weeks and months (after talking w them) they just randomly point out things about me that kinda annoy them, like me talking out of turn a LOT or me not looking at people or me having trouble focusing if there isn't also music and a movie going at the same time or mom saying that i seem hyperactive to her because i'm always moving my legs or pacing around or rubbing my hands or drumming on the table with pens. things like that (plus a lot more) were the exact things i was telling them about and they just put it off like it's nothing but as soon as it affects and annoys them it's suddenly very real. at this point i'm struggling to talk to my parents about anything even remotely more serious than generic smalltalk and i'm having a hard time believing myself that my struggles are in fact real and i'm not just making them up.

and also on a less related note; the thing i hate most about my parents: if i'm wearing headphones and couldn't understand what a parent was yelling from somewhere else in the house then it's my fault. but if it's the exact same situation but i'm the one calling and they couldn't hear me, then it's obviously my fault too (i kinda get the first one but srsly how could i not wear headphones when they're constantly arguing with my brother in the room next to mine) (either way if one of the scenarios is clearly my fault, then the other shld be clearly their fault bc that's how logic works)

hhhh, this got quite long. i would love to hear your thoughts about this

a continuation from the other ask about my parents not taking me seriously even when i ask them for help with my hardest problems. that ask didn't really go in the direction i had planned but there is so much going on between my parents and me that i really need to talk to someone about

background: i'm around 15-16 rn and have a brother who's 18. primary school was academically very easy for me (lots and lots of great and even perfect grades) but my brother didn't have it as easy (lots and lots of mediocre and meh grades) so my parents really just kinda let me do my thing while they were constantly busy with my brother. so i got really independant and did all of my stuff on my own bc a) i always had done it that way and b) my parents were already busy and stressed. but after my brother got his first computer and got into video games his grades dropped and my parents started constantly arguing with him and taking away his computer and stuff like that so there was always a lot of tension (and i got to a point where i can't handle people yelling; that's what i was referring to with the headphone thingy at the end of the last ask) i don't know if i can go that far and say that my parents kinda neglected me and my emotional needs in favour of saving my brother grades but that's pretty much the way it feels.

i'm now a sophomore (school works a bit different here but i'm the equivalent of a highschool sophomore afaik, here it's just 10th grade) and starting from about mid 8th grade (end of 2018) i've been struggling a lot with self care and upkeep of my already minimal social circle and academic stuff (i'm at the academically highest level of school you could be at my age without skipping any years) and also mental health.

i got quite depressive and started isolating myself and casting away friends and my grades went down a lot, which really disappointed me because my great grades were kind of my trademark thing. but i didn't feel safe talking to my parents because of the huge distance that we built by me "never" needing their help with stuff.

in that time (almost a year ago, our anniversary is in twenty days or so) i got a girlfriend and i'm hella glad that i can talk to her about everything but i feel like i can't just go dump trauma and parent issues on her forever

about last november or so i was at a pretty low point and was suicidal and that's kind of when i snapped and went to my parents to talk so being cast away and having my issues invalidated really really hurt then and made me spiral even deeper and my gf was the only thing keeping me afloat.

i'm kind of a bit better now but i have rebuilt my view of my parents from "idk we never really interact" to "trying to interact or talk is not worth the energy" and needless to say i don't like them that much

oh and i forgot about all the times i got panic attacks and sensory overloads @ school because there are so many people there (1700 students + 200 teachers) and it's loud everywhere and of course asking my parents for what to do if suddenly everything is too bright and too loud and you can't move or talk because of it didn't get me anywhere (and since i didn't know what it was called or how to describe it properly, i didn't really find any Information online either

and just typing this makes me think of so many more things that they did that aren't okay things to do (a lot of gender identity stuff for example because i'm also neck-deep in that) . but writing this has also helped a lot right now. thank you for being there and listening.

and just in case i'm ever gonna pop back in to say something i'm gonna drop a name for easier identifying

sincerely - 🌌 milky way anon

Hi, nonnie! Thanks for the kind words, I'm really glad my blog has been of help ❤️

I'm sorry your parents are making it hard to believe your struggles are real :( you deserve to be taken seriously and to get access to all the help you might need. Just the fact your symptoms are there and you're noticing them and they're interfering with your daily life is enough to get them checked, regardless of if you need a diagnosis/meds/anything else. No one deserves to live wondering if their struggles are worth discussing with a doctor or professional.

And you're right: if one of those things was your fault, then the other should be theirs, logically. But I don't even think it's "your fault" you didn't hear them because you were wearing headphones, to be honest. I think it's just something that happens from time to time and that doesn't warrant getting mad over; I think it's the kind of thing that simply needs to be talked about so everyone in the household knows how to communicate with everyone else without getting frustrated. It's as easy as saying "hey, whenever I put on headphones I'll just text the family group chat to let you guys know I won't hear you. If you need anything in those moments, just text me instead". I do this with my girlfriend sometimes—if we're wearing headphones and we're in the same room, we simply pat each other when we need something and wait until the other takes off their headphones to talk. It really doesn't have to be an issue where anyone is to blame. You're allowed to take steps to feel safe and comfortable in your house without getting punished for it.

But, of course, this doesn't work if the people around you choose to prioritise "being right" and proving you're wrong over a peaceful and healthy cohabitation, which is what most toxic and abusive people do.

As for your second ask, I would say if it feels like your parents neglected you and your needs because they were always focusing on your brother, then it's okay to say that they did. The fact alone that those feelings are there makes you deserving of talking about it and wanting to heal from it; the cause of those feelings doesn't have to be something major, or sound deeply traumatising when you say it out loud, in order to "count". And people whose emotional needs were consistently met don't feel like they weren't.

I've already shared this video before, but if you want some resources on identifying and healing from emotional neglect, I really recommend watching it. Please bear in mind, though, that the video says it's important to not blame parents for emotionally neglecting you, but I don't think that's the message a lot of people need to hear and I think you should allow yourself to feel angry at your parents for not meeting your needs and causing you trauma. That's pretty much the only thing I'd criticise about the video.

I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling with your grades and mental health lately, nonnie. I had a quite similar experience when I was in high school—I used to always get great grades, but my mental health and trauma put a lot of strain on them (as well as on my social life; I lost a lot of friends in those years) and it was really distressing to see the only thing that made me "worthy" crumble between my fingers like that. I'm still trying to unlearn this idea that your grades define your worth, and it's been really hard.

I'm so sorry your parents weren't there for you when you hit that low 😔 I'm glad your girlfriend could help you stay afloat in that moment, but they absolutely should've been there for you all those times you reached out to them for help with your struggles, and the fact that they didn't is emotionally neglectful of them.

I'm glad you're in a better place now ❤️ I really hope you can find out all the information you need on gender identity and sensory overload and any other issues that might be affecting you. Know that you deserve for your parents to be there for you. You shouldn't have to face any of this on your own, or even with only the support of other people your age. You deserve for them to care. You deserve to have your symptoms checked out. You deserve adult guidance to find resources to help you better understand and manage your struggles.

Sending all my virtual support your way ❤️ and happy belated anniversary to you and your girlfriend!

[spacemamaa]

hi ate jaleen! i totally agree with everything you said esp the part abt the yt readers. i find it interesting how a lot of ppl have their own understandings abt TFs and i've seen a lot of them talk abt "physical sensations" like you did. i'd wondered myself if the guy i've dealt with in the past was actually a TF. tbh i never experienced the physical sensations you've mentioned but i did very much feel a weird sense of familiarity with him and never in my entire life as an introvert had i ever been that comfortable just being myself with someone as i was immediately with him. other than that, my heart and stomach would hurt so bad whenever i feel anxious abt anything that has to do with him.

i only started learning about spirituality and the term TF after we had a falling-out. we first met at uni when we shared the same class. we didn't have an instant connection bc at the time i was into someone else and we were just group mates for our lab activities so we didn't rlly talk much. it was only after abt a year or so when we shared another few classes (for the 3rd time) that we became friends. i used to hate myself a lot and suffered from anxiety and depression to the point that i would physically hurt myself. he was the first person who taught me how to love myself and introduced me to LOA and all that. basically, he was like the catalyst to my healing journey which only began after we had our first falling-out. it's unbelievable how one night i was just bawling my eyes out and begging for everything to stop hurting—i was so desperate for a change bc i was beyond exhausted from a lot of things + i couldn't bear the physical symptoms i felt when we weren't okay. and then, as if a switch had been flipped, i became a totally, inexpicably, different person just from reading a few lines from a self-help book i discovered that taught abt spirituality. a couple of weeks later, him and i were back to being friends. i decided to stay for a while (even when it hurt) bc i knew he needed someone who understood him but i promised myself that i would leave the second i was certain he didn't need me anymore. my journey to self-love continued, however, it did slow down. when he hurt me again for the last time i could endure, i finally cut him off. i knew we both needed to work on ourselves alone, esp him. he could act like a total dick sometimes lmao but, in the end, he owned up to his crap and understood why i had to go. we genuinely wanted the best for each other.

i honestly stopped caring abt labels a long time ago. i don't think labeling our connection will change how much i already love him unconditionally and beyond i should be allowed to and i know he loves(/d) me too (maybe just not in the same way tho he did tell me he was into me). everything you said abt the signs to look out for resonated with me (except for the physical sensations you mentioned)—the telepathy thing, mirroring, repeating numbers, runner and chaser dynamic (for a short period of time) and all that were there. it wasn't until we had a falling-out for the second time that i was able to focus on myself without any distraction. i'm embracing and becoming more and more of my true self each day and i've faced my childhood traumas/demons/issues and have even learned to forgive myself and others. it's incredible how it's like i transformed into a completely different person from who i was before meeting him and yet somehow i wonder maybe it's all just a coincidence? maybe the reason why i'm getting synchronicities is bc i started attracting them when i became aware of them? i certainly doubt i'd be who i am today if i hadn't met him and i'm curious to know whether a "karmic" partner can trigger spiritual awakening too. despite the ridiculous amt of love i still have for him, i don't exactly like him—at least not the person i left—and i love myself more. i low-key don't like the idea of him being my TF but at the same time if i actually have one and were to meet one in this lifetime, i hope it's already him bc ain't no way i'm going through that much hell again lmao i only want the very best for me bc i know i deserve the world the same way everyone does.

anw thank you sm for answering my prev ask and if you've read all of that!!! 😂 you're one of the few ppl whose opinions i genuinely respect a lot and enjoy listening to. i rlly admire your hard work and i hope you keep doing what you love doing! 🤍🤍🤍

((i'm currently broke so i can only watch your ads on yt as much as i can in return (at least for now) i hope that's okay. 😭😭😭))

Aww!! Thank you so much for supporting me. it is definitely not necessary for you to purchase a reading to support me. Either way I appreciate you for tuning in and even asking these questions. 🤧💘

I forgot say that there are fake TFs, too! Idk if it’s a test run or something, but it definitely is a thing from my experience, so I have become wary of labeling my experiences as such! That’s why I tell people not to get sucked into these things or to obsess.

I wish you luck on your journey and your person. :3 No matter what, it’s a fulfilling experience that is absolutely necessary for growth. ✨

[daesungindistress]

im glad im not the only one who found the truck ad thingy strange.. i mean do people seriously think yg has or will ever give a shit? bc I don't. of course, some staff members might care about bb as people but the company won't? and why do I feel like ot5s are always demanding stuff they don't even know the members want/need? its a nice sentiment i guess but i always get the feeling they don't trust the members somehow? oh well. yb said what he said, i'll take his word for it. it'll be alright.

The project wasn’t what I was expecting -- and by that I mean it wasn’t as BAD as I was expecting -- so I’m not too bothered by it. But it was still embarrassing and IMO reflected poorly on IVIPs as a whole. Because in some ways it was a bit tone-deaf. BB aren’t having activities right now primarily because of COVID, sure, but there is of course another reason why they’ve been keeping things on the down low since last year and giving their image time to slowly recover. You know who. He is so hated by Korea at the moment that the Korea Subway Transportation Corporation refused an ad for BIGBANG bearing his name and face not because he isn’t a member of the group anymore but because he’s considered “immoral”. So, what do OT5 IVIPs do? Go and put him in a paid ad for BIGBANG demanding protection against hate. Aimed at YG, no less, who he no longer has a contract with 🤦 “Foreign roaches should read the room,” one knetizen commented. Yeah, some of us can. OT5s can’t. I swear these people wake up every day with the goal of finding new ways to get the guys dragged.

In another recent fan project (Fanplus) a fanmade OT4 poster was selected to celebrate BB’s upcoming 14th anniversary in Korean subway stations. OT5s raged online and bombarded the company with hate to the point where Fanplus issued a statement politely requesting that fans stop sending them profanity. This made the news in Korea, by the way. These fans ran amok on Twitter, plotting to sabotage the project (yes that’s the word they used), promising to vandalize the displays, and threatening to tear them down. Y’all. Who needs antis when you’ve got fans like that? Ironically, these OT5s don’t seem to realize they’ve become the very thing they’re asking YG to protect BB from.

And no, they don’t trust the members in the slightest. If they did they would stop screaming at them about Seungri daily and trying to strong-arm them into giving them what they want. They would stop baiting them into making statements about him... then manipulating, misinterpreting, and mistranslating their words when what they get isn’t quite what they were hoping for. They would see the foolishness of slapping his face on promotional posters and would think twice about demeaning the members by placing him front and center. If they truly trusted BB they would stop shoving him on them, where he no longer belongs, and on us, where he’s no longer wanted. They would quit forcing the issue, give up their demands, and simply let it be. Accept what’s happened and what is -- quietly.

If they trusted the members they would also let go of this pretense of concern they’ve been flaunting lately. “We care more about the members’ mental health than a comeback,” they boast, in a seemingly well-meaning but actually backwards attempt to disguise the fact that they’re reluctant (and for some, downright unwilling) to support new material from a four-member BIGBANG. It’s only a nice sentiment until you understand where it’s coming from, this faux caring. They are hoping the guys will lie low a little longer, quietly and uneventfully, their creative energies suppressed until their disgraced ex-member returns from the military and ~rejoins~ them. They’re pushing a tragic narrative that says the members are too depressed and broken to make music without him. Believing they don’t want to come back as four and patting themselves on the back for telling the guys to take it easy until they can be five again. Yeah, that sounds an awful lot like wishful thinking to me, from a group of fans who still, after a year and a half, haven’t come to terms with our new reality. We all know whose mental health they’re really protecting by balking at the idea of new music -- and it ain’t BIGBANG’s.

What’s especially funny about this is -- well, you know those teasers from TOP over the last few days? The clips from the studio with the caption “working,” him spitting lines with a vengeance, dancing in his PJs and looking for all the world like someone who’s ready to take on the stage, and even dropping a “Big Bang,” getting us all stirred up with excitement? He posted those just as these “we’re not asking for a comeback because we care” arguments were making rounds on Twitter. The timing could not have been better. Thanks, TOP, for serving a reminder to those who’ve forgotten (or have never known) that the most healing thing a creative person can do is keep creating 😘

In short, the truck project was messy, reckless, and unnecessary. And Youngbae’s “Cheer up, guys” that followed, with a fun message about shaking off hate, is all the encouragement I needed, personally, to keep believing good things are on the horizon for BIGBANG. I trust they know what they're doing. All there is for us to do is be there for them when the time comes. Until then, we wait.

[juupajaa]

Do you think it's possible to recover, not necessarily from an ed, but just from general shitty mental health on your own? I've been considering seeking help for a long time, but I don't even know what I would say and I am deeply uncomfortable with the idea of opening up about my pain. But I don't know how to address my issues on my own; I don't even know where to begin. But I know even less about how to ask for help. I feel stuck. :(

Well let's just say that people make it through every day. Some can completely heal and some learn how to cope.

For me at least, I beat my depression through some serious commitment to working through the things that beat me into the ground. I had to carry that baggage for good handful of years before I had went through it all and learned to let go of it. I tried a couple of medications but I mostly got bad side effects from them.

I never had anxiety as a disorder, but I am in general prone to negative emotion. So it's in my very personality to be scared and to worry about stuff that I shouldn't worry about and I've had to learn to cope with it.

But then again, I know someone who has been smacked down real bad and they're still on the ground, ten years later. They've been to everyone and tried every medicine and treatment under the sun and nothing seems to work. I also know that they have very little going for them, so there's hardly a reason to get better, just for the sake of getting better.

Medication and therapy are pretty much the most effective tools we have but these things aren't available to everyone and there are ways to help and heal your mind to some extent on your own.

I hate to say this because I keep saying it, but little things do make a difference. Being properly fed and rested have a massive effect on our general wellbeing. Having a goal and moving towards it helps us to stay motivated and gives us gratification. Pleasant surroundings make us happier and having healthy relationships makes us feel like we're accepted. Little things can go a long way in coping and managing your mental health and mindset. It sounds like a stupid easy fix, but all of that is proven to have a positive impact on our brains and how we function.

I've told this story before but let's have it again: So I used to be the most bitter, hateful little critter who just couldn't be bothered bc life was pointless, too hard and so overwhelming. One day when I realized I had no one left, no goals, I didnt like anything in my life, everything was just absolutely worthless, I had dropped out of all therapy bc I felt like I gained nothing from it. I thought it was either to just die or get better. So I decided that I'm gonna make my bed in the morning and start with that. And I did. I made my bed every morning and I felt better for it. Then I moved onto sleeping enough. Then eating better. Then trying to be nicer to people, trying to be nicer to myself, finding myself something worthwhile to do, thinking about what I want to do and who I want to be, making my surroundings more to my liking, take up routines that I found helpful, taking up some manageable responsibilities. Little by little I climbed out of that pit and now, even if I just recently had a bit of an emergency with my ed flaring up, I'm doing ok. I like my life despite everything and I can cope with my anxieties and weird fears and existential dread by making sure I still make my bed every morning and so on and so on. Every day isn't great, but overall I feel like a functioning person with a place in the world and I don't doubt my reason to live. I really really like life now and I'm happy to get out of bed in the morning, even if just to make my bed.

If it feels like you can't make any sense of your head and why you feel like you do, try simplifying it a little. Instead of trying to make sense of it, try observing it. Even just to acknowledge that you feel something is a good start. In cognitive therapy, we often use thought-emotion-action cycle to organize our minds a little. Here's a nice pic of it:

Let's say you slept all day for "no reason". In therapy, we would try to figure out what was the emotion behind it. Maybe you felt sluggish or disappointed and didn't want to get up. Then we'd try to figure out what was the thought behind that emotion. Maybe you thought, you don't have a reason to get out of bed and you don't really want to see the dish mountain in the kitchen. You can use this model in any order, let's say you notice an emotion first but don't know why that emotion came to you. Does that emotion spark up any action out of you? Is there some thought that caused the emotion.

This is a skill you can get really good at with practice. It can feel really difficult at first but you'll get better at it the more you do it. You don't have to write any of these things down, but that might help you even more while you try to figure out what's going in in your mind. The easiest way to do this is ofc with a therapist, but you can do it by yourself too. And who knows, maybe once you start to understand your mind a bit better, it might become easier to talk about this stuff to someone else.

It's really hard to give advice on getting help without knowing where you're from, the options are very different from country to country and city to city. I'd turn to someone who knows better, like a school nurse/counsellor. I'm sure they can point you to the right direction, but if you don't think you want to go, you can try stuff on your own. Self help and self care are a huge part of all recovery and healing! Good luck and feel free to ask if something's confusing or you need more info or help!

[comradefleur]

okay yall so these r things ive been doin lately to help with the upkeep of my 🦋MENTAL HEALTH🦋

DISCLAIMER:

before i start i just want to say that i KNOW that these things are not a cure by any means. my clinical depression and generalized anxiety disorder are not *eradicated* by doing these things but they DO help me & i want to share just in case they can help u!💜

#1. SLEEPING! i noticed that lack of sleep puts a downer on my day & i feel less capable when i wake up like that. most of it is not my fault bc when im v depressed i have severe insomnia HOWEVER i take responsibility for some of it bc i be up aimlessly scrolling just like YOU. so PLEASE put down the phone and stop scrolling!!! If you NEED to see something, bookmark it and come back tomorrow. everything will still be there. value yourself first. you won't regret it.💘

#2. TAKING MY MEDS! this goes hand in hand with #1 for me bc i was horrible at taking my melatonin. NOTE WELL: ik that melatonin is not really a med bc we already have it naturally in our bodies but anyway. i lump it in with my anti depressants bc it is so crucial for meif you're very forgetful like me, PLEASE set alarms and reminders on your phone so that you can remember to take em! give your mind any advantages it can have to POSSIBLY feel better!💘

#3. EATING! Girl don't drag me, ik just how hard it is to eat when you're depressed cause I've lost PLENTY of weight bc of that. but just eating a little something, and maybe drinking some tea to get something warm inside u is a GREAT start and MUCH better than nothingIf you really have problems with this I would suggest you go out and buy some sort of iron based/vitamin based appetite stimulant from the store. They work well for me. so take those, and eat small things. If you forget to eat, which is common, set alarms for this too!💘

#4. VULNERABILITY! oh i know yall scared of this one but she is HELLA important. if you have anyone at all around u that u trust+love PLEASE do yourself the absolute favour of opening up instead of bottling everything away. It is so RELIEVING and HEALTHY and you WILL notice adifference once u are received well. Make sure to articulate whether you would like a listening ear, comfort, advice etc & reap the benefits! Community is SOO important for individuals who are struggling. Ur loved ones should WANT to help u in this way, & if they do, accept it.💘

#5. BOUNDARIES! You don't have to make yourself constantly available! It's okay to give ur friends a lil heads-up and duck out to take care of YOU! however long you need, go head. and employ the other tips i am giving all the while. boundaries apply to social media use/general phone usage as well to me. turn off app notifications if they bother you. don't let things sit around and just poke at you subconsciously, get rid of em! if certain apps feel better, that's okay! if you want to uninstall some, do dat!basically, use YOUR phone and connect to ppl how YOU see fit. it makes a BIGGGGGGGGGGGGG difference i promise.💘

#6. REFLECTION! now you can't just do all these things and expect your trauma to be healed. this is probably one of the hardest on this list but going inside yourself and feeling out and just emoting TO YOURSELF how you feel about the bad things you have been through is CRUCIAL. If you forget this step, you are just distracting yourself without dealing with the root of the problem. Sit yourself down and be very gentle and HONEST with yourself about the way you are feeling. You can choose to write, record yourself talking on video, or whatever feels best. LOVE YOURSELF. you can't get past YOU without YOUR help. you will be grateful you've done this💘

with all that said, i love all of you, happy healing💜