#''therefore other people are never allowed to talk about uncomfortable topics because *I* might hear it''

[coockie8]

I'm sorry but saying "don't write dark or taboo fiction or at least keep it private because it might trigger someone or someone might get off to it." is exactly like saying "don't talk about the abuse you suffered because it might trigger someone or someone might get off to it."

It is the exact same thing. Telling someone they aren't allowed to talk about their own lived experience because some random stranger might be triggered, made uncomfortable, or even aroused by it is unbelievably fucking disgusting.

Whether someone is writing dark/taboo fiction to cope or not is 100% irrelevant because someone else's trauma is not your business, and you can't know.

You shouldn't tell a victim to never talk about their trauma, so you shouldn't tell people what they can and cannot write about, because at the end of the day, you don't know and it's not your business. Block and mute things/people you don't want to see, and move the fuck on with your life.

[crossdressingdeath]

You know, as someone who is gay and has... more experience in abusive relationships than I ever wanted... hearing people talk about how unhealthy WangXian is upsetting. I know I can’t speak for everyone, but in my opinion WangXian is something more queer people need to see. And people calling it abusive when it isn’t is actually counterproductive when you think about it.

Like, I’ve had to play the guessing game of “Do my friends and family have a legit reason to be concerned, or are they secretly homophobic?”. Not a very fun game. You already have people online saying that gay relationships are sinful/toxic just by existing. Just seeing people misinterpret canonically gay couples as toxic/unhealthy just because the relationships isn’t perfect is going to make people not take actual claims on legitimate toxic/unhealthy fictional couples seriously.

I’ve seen so many people try to say that WangXian is either toxic or a stereotypical yaoi couple, and I just think “are we reading the same novel? what translation are you reading?”.

“Forced Gender Roles/Het Coding” – you mean how LWJ typically does more feminine chores, while WWX is more skilled/knowledgeable with traditionally masculine chore? Like in his dream, where LWJ is literally a housewife while his a busy husband?

“Stereotypical Seme/Uke dynamic” – not even mentioning the fact this isn’t yaoi (it’s danmei) and therefore, theydon’t really fit that genre, I really doubt it? Like, WWX is the one who decides nearly everything in the relationship. Regardless of what LWJ wants, he won’t push WWX into anything. In fact, WWX has to encourage LWJ to talk about what he wants/likes. Really, thinking about, WWX is kind of the one in charge.

LWJ might have WWX beat in terms of pure physical strength, but if you think LWJ could win in a fight without WWX letting him, then you clearly haven’t been paying attention. May I remind you, without golden core, WWX took on multiple armies? And the one that killed him only won because he let them. They technically didn’t even kill him! MXY’s body means WWX has a golden core now - he’s not as strong physically but he can work on that - he’s still stronger in every other aspect. It’s basically impossible for LWJ to overpower him.

“Rape/Noncon” - Where? There are two moments where LWJ crosses boundaries... but only one of those moments is an actual boundary crossed. Every other intimate moment that happens, LWJ makes certain that WWX is actually enjoying himself and consenting.

The infamous kiss. A lot of people misinterpret this as something the author threw in because it was “hot”. In actuality, this kiss is important for multiple reasons. While WWX isn’t upset by this kiss, LWJ clearly is. This moment is what causes LWJ to stop trying to force WWX to go back to CR with him – it’s this moment that makes him realize if he continues down this path, he will end up like his parents. This moment is the start of major character growth for LWJ, allowing him to become a better man, one that WWX can actually love wholeheartedly without any regrets. It’s this moment where he decides that he can’t just take little things from WWX anymore - he has to try a different approach to help him, and accept that WWX might never feel the same way (obviously he’s wrong). Like, the impact this has is huge, and it’s another reason why LWJ refuses to mention his feelings to WWX - he doesn’t want to force him ever again. So he won’t. Not even by having WWX agree to be with him out of graditude.

The other boundary crossed is when LWJ spanks WWX during sex. The narration makes it very clear at that moment that it’s not okay, that WWX is uncomfortable and doesn’t like it. And it stops, LWJ moves from it after some nudging from WWX. After the event, they have a serious talk where WWX makes it very clear that while he enjoys a lot of things, LWJ can’t do that ever again of he wants to continue being with WWX. LWJ could have argued, could have said that since they were under the influence of the incense burner, he shouldn’t be blamed for his actions. Instead, he swears never to do anything like that ever again.

This is so important! The message this sends is so important! This whole scene is saying that, no matter what kinks you might have or how kinky you are, your boundaries deserve to be respected. You don’t have to do something you’re uncomfortable with just because you’re kinky and your partner likes it. How can anyone read that and think it’s supporting rape?

Also... if I’m being honest... I actually thought CQL had a more stereotypical Seme/Uke dynamic than the novel. WWX is so much weaker and less observant/cunning... couple that with the fact the he’s not only not even a little guilty of his crimes but he’s actually made into a poor victim with lot of fainting into LWJ’s arms... yeah, he comes across much more like a uke than in the novel. LWJ is also so much more of a stereotypical overprotective seme too. Then there’s the whole thing lack of consent someone else mentioned, with how WWX forces LWJ to drink/how LWJ tricks WWX into marrying him (so he literally did the thing his father did that the fandom finds so unforgivable?). I like CQL, but a huge chunk of those fans are kind of obnoxious and toxic... and hypocritical I guess.

So, I just wanted to rant after seeing so many posts on this topic. I’m just really annoyed. I don’t even know if this makes any sense.

That is an excellent point re CQL. I’ve thought about how they weakened WWX and dumbed him down (presumably to make him more of a victim), but not how that affects his dynamic with LWJ. Also I do want to acknowledge that there is dubcon in the novel; the first time they have sex LWJ is drunk to start and we don’t know when exactly he sobered up. But like... that’s not exactly uncommon in romance novels. And the show has WWX forcing LWJ to get drunk against his will and LWJ marries WWX without his knowledge or consent, which... really isn’t better, especially as the novel does have discussion about how what they did was kind of a mess with consequences and them having to discuss it, which the show... doesn’t. In fact the novel takes consent as a far more important thing than the show does to the point of it being a central theme that the show lacks.

Yeah, I have to say that people insisting that Wangxian (specifically novel Wangxian) is super unhealthy feels like the double whammy of “Ewwwwww gay people who aren’t unrealistically perfect” and “Ewwwwwwwww a woman writing gay romance”. I mean, I seriously doubt that if one of them was a girl and/or the story was written by a dude and nothing else changed people would react anywhere near as vehemently towards it. Like... it seems interesting that the version people are insisting is healthier is the censored idol drama where they aren’t actually in a relationship and the people in charge mostly seem to be men, that’s all I’m saying.

[letsoulswander]

What if you've thought about this for a long time and done lots of self examination and still find that your individual sexuality doesn't include desire for somebody who has a particular set of genitalia or secondary sex characteristics? Like I've really tried. It just leaves me cold, and I know I'm far from alone. Feels weird to be constantly called a bigot for something that is so personal, and that I cannot change 🤷

(I’m assuming this ask is in response to my reblogging this, from @cipheramnesia)

It’s funny that you are asking me this, anon, because I’m both ace and trans- what people have in their pants doesn’t really play much role for me in the grand scheme of things.

I’ve spent a lot of personal time researching sexual attraction, how it works, what it feels like. I’ve asked people to tell me about it and I’ve observed how they interact with it. It’s a feeling I experience very infrequently, if at all, so it’s endlessly fascinating to me.

I’ve also spent a lot of time researching gender identity, dysphoria, euphoria, and the roles they play in peoples’ lives. I’ve spent a lot of time talking to trans people about their experiences as trans people, and I’ve lived my whole life as a trans person.

Given these, I like to think those identities and their overlap gives me a unique perspective to talk about this kind of thing. Please keep in mind that I am not every trans person, every ace person, or every queer person.

Now I’m going to take a page out of Hannah Gadsby’s book, and set your expectations. In other words, here’s a TLDR:

Your sexuality/attraction probably isn’t specifically focused on genitals.

If you’re uncomfortable being called a bigot, ask yourself if you’re behaving like one.

Genitals are gross. People who find them gross still sleep with them, because they’re attracted to the rest of the person.

Even if you specifically have attraction for a specific genital type, you’re probably not going to meet many people genital-first.

“Secondary sex characteristics” that are associated with cis men appear in cis women, and ones that are associated with cis women appear in cis men, naturally.

Your attraction probably has room for things other than the specific look/feel/shape of the genitals of your partner. Consider that any partners you take, or people you feel attraction for, exist outside of any sexual activities you do together (which may or may not involve taking off your pants).

Homework: Examine, please, why you are so focused on genitalia as a deciding factor in your sexuality. It might be the people around you or the people who helped you come out, but it’s important to consider why you think these hypothetical genitals will make or break your potential relationships.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s begin.

To start: I’m sorry that someone has made you think that your sexuality is only specifically about genitals. It really sucks. Correlating genitals to sexuality has been used for a long time to defend anything from “not exposing” children to non-straight/cis content, to denying health care and housing to people “because we don’t want people doing that, here”.

(Because queer and non-cishet identities are all About Sex and the genitals involved, obviously.)

It sounds like you’re bothered by this topic. Maybe it’s just because you are uncomfortable with being called a bigot, or maybe you actually are a bigot. I don’t know you. I’m going to respond as if it’s the first, because I know there are probably a couple people who follow me with similar concerns.

What I do know is, to put it bluntly, the argument that “my sexuality doesn’t allow for this set of genitals/secondary sex characteristics” is one that gets thrown around in a lot of anti-trans rhetoric, and it’s poison. So lets break down why someone might hear you say that, and then think you are a bigot.

Genitals are gross. I’ve asked people who are REALLY INTO GUYS, who have slept with guys, and have been told (by multiple people!) that penises are weird, and not that sexy. I did then ask, of course, “why do you have sex with them then?” The answer I got was because... apparently, they were also attracted to the rest of the guy. Who knew, right?

I’ve also asked people who are REALLY INTO GIRLS, who have slept with girls, and have been told (again, by multiple people) that vulvas are weird, and not that sexy. Their answer to why they have sex with a body part that’s not that sexy? Also attraction to the rest of the girl.

Why do I mention these? Because even people who are REALLY attracted to a specific gender aren’t (generally) all that invested in the genitals of their partners. I don’t know what kind of life you live, anon, but unless you exclusively meet your partners/people you find attractive via cam-girl tapes or porn, chances are you’ve met and been attracted to at least a couple of trans people who have transitioned, people you would never expect to have (insert binary genital type here).

Let’s talk about secondary sex characteristics. You’re familiar with terms like AGAB/AFAB/AMAB? If you’re not, google them (all together so they come up with the correct definitions). I’ll wait.

Okay, now that you know what they mean, let’s use a hypothetical. Imagine a baby girl is born, and the doctor looks and says “it’s a girl!” Everything looks fine. She grows up, gets her period, examines her gender identity and decides that she is cis.

Now, the secondary sex characteristics people tend to expect from cis women after puberty include a moderately high voice, soft skin, rounded facial features. Socially, women are also pressured to remove body hair and have long hair on their heads, and to move in certain ways to be “ladylike” or “sexy” or “demure” or whatever. Also, generally, people associate vulvas with “ability to get pregnant”.

But lots of cis women don’t fit those! Google Indian or Israeli or Arabic women, who are genetically more likely to have thicker and darker facial and body hair. Google PCOS or endometriosis, which can cause deepening voice, increased and darker facial/body hair, fertility issues and pain. Google vaginismus, which makes PIV sex very painful or impossible. There are posture issues and disabilities that make moving fluidly tricky, and disorders (like hyperthyroidism) that make your head hair fall out or thin. These are all secondary sex characteristics.

The issue I take with your dismissal of “certain secondary sex characteristics” is that, well, they’re secondary. Each body responds differently to genetics and environment both. There are cis men with soft skin, sparse body hair, long head hair, men with high voices and more fluid mannerisms and softer facial features, as well. These not indicators that the person in question is Actually Secretly Trans and is out to hoodwink you.

The argument you’ve brought to me seems to be “I don’t like x genital, therefore I couldn’t sleep with/be attracted to someone who is not cis”. I invite you to, instead of wondering about what genitals you are “attracted to”, consider what kind of person you like. Are they funny? Smart? Beautiful? Handsome? A mix of all of those? Do they tell you jokes? Help you with chores? Are they kind to you?

Honestly, anon, I don’t care who you are attracted to or who you sleep with. I’m not telling you that you need to be attracted to people you don’t find attractive.

But I strongly, strongly urge you to consider why the hypothetical genitals of the people around you are so important to you. Maybe you should reconsider whoever you’re hanging out with, who’s asking you these questions, because I doubt they have your best interest at heart, or the best interest of the trans people around you.

We get attacked, around the world, every day because of our genitals. People police us all the time, want us to “man up” or “be ladylike”, either to pass better or to force us to commit to play the role of cis for the rest of our lives. But the cure for this is NOT tapping out the moment trans people - and our genitals - are brought up and complaining that “I just don’t find (insert genital) sexy!”

As Cipher noted (in that post waaay back at the top of this thing), she’s married to someone who doesn’t particularly like penises, but loves her dearly, and Cipher, in turn, also isn’t a fan of her own. I promise you, anon, I promise you, genitals are strange, and love is stranger. Don’t put your attraction on the fulcrum of “what genitals I will sleep with”. (Note: you also don’t have to sleep with whoever you’re into, I promise, take it from an ace person who doesn’t have sex and still has a lovely time with the people I’m into.)

Instead, here’s a little homework: Consider what is attractive to you about the people you like, and try to let go of the idea of what does or doesn’t constitute a man or woman. Including genitals, sure, but also including secondary sex characteristics. Trust me. It’s worth the work.

[oumaheroes]

Rotten Luck and Mistimed Attraction

Summary:

Arthur Kirkland had waited all of his 27 years to meet his soulmate. The words on his arm were the first he'd learnt to read and he was prepared for the day that he'd finally hear them spoken. Although, of course for him, even the greatest moment of his life wasn't going to go as planned.

...............................................................................................................

Chapter 1: An Unideal Meet-Cute

Arthur didn't consider himself a very unlucky man, most of the time. On the contrary, he was probably considered by other people to be quite lucky, or, at least, not doing too badly for himself.

He was lucky enough to have done well at his exams, gone to a good university, and from there he was lucky enough to obtain a high-class degree in engineering. He was then lucky enough to secure himself a nice entry level job with said degree. At 27 he was on the way to owning his own flat – not something most people his age could boast about- and his commute to work wasn't terrible, despite the length. His family, whilst they weren't the closest with each other, certainly weren't horrendous and despite what his friend Alfred said he wasn't bad at making friends. There were just very few people he wanted to make friends with. But the few friends he had he was very close to.

Therefore, if anything, he was actually doing alright for himself. Sadly, Arthur Kirkland would not personally call himself a lucky man because every now and again something so terribly unlucky would happen to him that it would set back all of the luck he had managed to accrue by about 50%.

One major factor aiding this self-perception was that he was always losing things. Phone, keys, debit card; if it was loose and could fit into a hand it was high risk loss material. As a young child his parents found this out rather quickly when he'd often misplace his toys, but it only started to become a fixture of his personality after his dad had given him a £20 note when he was seven and instructions to get a pint of milk from the local corner shop. On the way there he'd either let go of or lost the money and afterwards neither of his parents were willing to trust him with the responsibility again.

The biggest and most painful loss coming from when he was seventeen, Arthur had worked all of the summer and saved up all of his money in order to buy his first motorcycle. He'd loved the thing, passed his test on his first try and happily told anyone who'd listen all about it, only to put his keys down somewhere on a night out and get it stolen after only 3 weeks of having it. He'd had to walk the 3 miles back home in the rain because no one would pick up their phone to collect him and he had no money for the bus.

Other than losing things, there was also the time when he was eleven; he'd finally been allowed to go to town by himself, a big deal at the time, to meet his friends. Enjoying his newfound freedom, he'd decided to pop to the off-license beforehand to get some sweets, feeling very grown up with the luxury of not having to ask first. However, upon entering he was promptly grabbed by a security guard and pulled into the back room where the police were called to arrest him. It turned out that a boy, around his height with his colouring, and wearing the same damn jumper of all things, had been caught by CCTV stealing quite a bit from not only that shop, but quite a few others that day. He was delivered home in mortification to his mother, who found the whole situation oddly endearing, and his brothers, who never let him forget it from that day forward.

His most exhausting unlucky moment came at university. He'd spent month after month toiling over his research for his dissertation essay only to submit it and have it pulled up for plagiarism. Somehow, he'd managed to unknowingly copy over 60% of content from other essays despite having never seen them before. Threatened with suspension, it was only after a few mental breakdown and weeks' worth of submitting evidence and writing emails that he was able to prove that, despite what it really did look like, he had in fact written the thing all in his own words.

He was also unlucky in another, more intimate, way.

Arthur had known all of his life that the meeting he'd eventually have with his soulmate wasn't destined to be...perfect, as it were. The words inscribed on the skin of his left arm, in deep black ink for all to see, read: 'Fuck, I don't have time for this,' leaving Arthur no doubt that he was in for a bit of a challenge.

He was more bothered about it when he was really young. When he'd first been told what his tattoo was for, he'd burst into tears. The idea that someone who was supposed to love him unconditionally could already hate him was the saddest thing he could think of. His brothers didn't help matters by teasing him that the reason he'd got his particular tattoo because he was so grumpy.

'Or!' Patrick, his second eldest brother, used to like to crow at him, 'Or, maybe, it's just you! Imagine that, they take one look at your face, think you're a troll or something and then realise just what they've been stuck with.'

Owen muffled his laughter with his sleeve. His own soulmate tattoo, a nice and friendly, 'Oh thank God,' meant that he was quite looking forward to his own meeting. Normally adverse to picking on his youngest brother too much, this was the one topic where Arthur's youngest older brother always felt as though he safely had the upper hand.

Thankfully, it was the one act of teasing Arthur that Ian didn't participate in. On his oldest brother's arm was a rather ambivalent 'really, it's you,' which could be read one of two ways. It made Arthur grateful that potentially he wasn't the only one in his family or social circle with difficulties in meeting his supposed 'perfect match.'

His concern with the whole thing only grew worse the older he got and the more people he met. Every new person had such lovely things written for them, the traditionally lines one could watch in soap operas and read about in soppy love books: 'You're more beautiful that I could have ever imagined,' or 'Oh, it's finally you!' Either that or the banal ones.

The banal ones, personally, Arthur thought were far worse. At least his was recognisable, as potentially confidence destroying as it was. Some poor sods were stuck with a 'hello', or a 'nice to meet you.' Ones like that meant that one's soulmate could, quite literally, be anyone. Arthur had to count his blessings where he could.

But although his soulmate would at least be easy to recognise, Arthur would lie awake at night worrying about what on earth could happen in his future for his soulmate to utter his tattoo upon meeting him. None else he met seemed to have a tattoo which could be interpreted as disgust and, as much as his friends tried to convince him otherwise, the flittering looks of pity they gave his arm said everything.

That was fine. He could cope with that. Sure, it was unusual. Sure, it made him self-conscious and uncomfortable when people stared at his arm for too long. However, he refused to let this become a defining part of his life and worked hard to minimise the time people spent talking about it or focusing on it.

But today, today might be the unluckiest thing that had ever happened to him.

He'd managed to get off work early, for once. He worked for quite a small company but business had recently picked up, so usually he had to stay a few extra hours or take on a few more projects than he'd like just to maintain their growth. It wasn't a big deal, if anything it only helped him – the more experience the better. But today he'd finally cleared a big enough dent in his to-do list to allow him to leave on time with the rest of the rush hour.

As soon as it hit half 4, he clocked out, shrugged on his coat, and left the office to come out onto the street below his building. It was busy, hundreds of others were leaving at the same time and he had to push against the flow of people to travel in the opposite direction.

Making his way to a pedestrian crossing, Arthur shuffled his bag strap on his shoulder and tugged his coat closer to his body. This January was a colder one than usual. There was a lot of traffic, he hadn't considered it was going to be this busy. At 7pm there were always far less people.

The light for the cars turned red and Arthur impatiently watched the pedestrian light, waiting for the sign that he could cross. A few seconds after the cars stopped - there it was.

Moving with the crowd he pushed forward only to bump into the wide back of the guy in front of him. The man didn't seem to be moving, nor did he look like he was going to be anytime soon. Muttering to himself, Arthur made to step around him only to be blocked by someone coming from the other side. Now beyond frustrated, he tried to go to the other side but when he glanced up to see that the lights had changed and the cars had once again started to move.

Bollocks, he wasn't going to leave early again if this is what constituted as rush hour. The traffic coming in in the morning was enough, he didn't need this. A crowd had started to gather around him again, pressing in to an uncomfortably squash. Grinding his teeth together Arthur tried to school bubbling temper and made to move away from the immovable statue of a human in front of him, only to have someone crash into his back. Taking a deep breath in he decided against pushing them back and instead tapped his foot in irritation, willing the lights to change.

'Fuck, I don't have time for this!'

Arthur didn't need to feel the slight tingle on his arm to know what happened. His breath caught. The speaker had the gruff voice of a man and their voice came from somewhere behind him on his right. This was it, that was his soulmate. A bubble of relief grew in his chest. After all those years of worry, his soulmate's ire wasn't directed at him after all! He couldn't wait to tell his brothers, he the look on Owen's face would be priceless.

He made to turn around, to say something back, but before he realised what was going on the crowd surged forward and dragged him along with it. Cold fear quickly replaced any happiness he'd felt.

Desperately, he tried to stop himself. Twisting around he tried to catch the eye of whoever had said those damn words but he could only see women standing behind him, looking rather annoyed at the hold-up he was causing. But there, pushing out of the huddle to walk in the other direction, was a man with shoulder length blond hair. His face looked stressed and he was striding away into the masses on the street and away from Arthur.

'Wait!' Arthur struggled around an old lady with a particularly large carrier back and made it back onto the pavement. Frantically, he craned his neck, hoping to catch sight of the man's head again and caught sight of him in the distance away, mixed in with the crowd.

'Hey! Excuse me!' He looked down for a split second to avoid a wayward child and then, that was it. He looked up again but it was too late, his soulmate was gone.

Arthur tried to catch his breath, feeling the panic well up inside him. He swivelled to his left, just in case the man had crossed the road but there was no one over there who looked even slightly familiar either. There wasn't even a huddle of people surrounding Arthur now but there were just so many of them and they were all moving so fast in so many different directions that it was hard to keep track of anyone, let alone someone who was obviously in a rush to be somewhere else.

Arthur stumbled his way to the nearest building and leant against it weakly, heart hammering in his chest and the sound of his own breathing in his ears. Oh God. Oh God. It had all happened so fast, but that was it. He'd met his soul mate and he hadn't even managed to meet him.

What if his soulmate hadn't heard him? Or worse, what if he was never supposed to hear him; not everyone had a tattoo. He could have been Arthur's soulmate, but maybe Arthur wasn't his- a one sided match. He ran a shaky hand through his hair and tried to calm himself down. It was okay, this could still be fixed. This wasn't the end; dammit he wouldn't let it be. There were websites for this sort of thing, Facebook even could work. He'd watched reality TV shows before about situations like this, everyone had. Poor souls who missed their opportunity to get to know their destined life partner and were now condemned to search forever and hope that they meet again.

He’d always read or watch stories like that with pity, but also with a grim fascination. Fleeting encounters on public transport, or meetings as children where they couldn't stay and swap contact information. There were hundreds of books and plays written about it alongside depressing love songs and operas. They made for great stories.

He'd never even considered that that could happen to him. This happened to other people, it wasn't ever supposed to happen to Arthur.

Arthur tried to swallow; tongue heavy. He couldn't tell his mother; he couldn't tell his brothers. It was hard enough trying not to break down on the floor now without thinking about other people and the look they'd give him. No, Arthur refused to become like those people on the TV, he wasn't some old sop who was just going to sit about lamenting this, he was going to fight as hard as he could.

With one last look around, just in case, he resolved to himself that no matter how long it took or what he'd have to do, he was going to find his soulmate again. Pushing away from the wall, he set off in the direction of home, stubbornly ignoring that little voice in his head that whispered that, despite all of the tough words, that might well have been it for him.

His soulmate could very well be lost forever and there was nothing he could do about it.

[personalcoachingcenter]

A Smart, Educational Look At What POWERFUL SILENCE VS. AWKWARD SILENCE *Really* Does In Our World

New Post has been published on https://personalcoachingcenter.com/a-smart-educational-look-at-what-powerful-silence-vs-awkward-silence-really-does-in-our-world/

A Smart, Educational Look At What POWERFUL SILENCE VS. AWKWARD SILENCE *Really* Does In Our World

A Coaching Power Tool Created by Melanie Brown (Retirement Preparation Coach, SWITZERLAND)

To hear, one must be silent. Ursula K. Le Guin, 2012

Introduction

Silence as a power tool was inspired to me by a peer coaching experience. I was a fairly new ICA student and having my second peer coaching session. My peer client brought a very personal topic to the table: her estranged relationship with her sister. Every time she reflected after answering one of my (many) questions, I was already ready with the next one, rushing in to fill the gaps,  instead of just pausing and giving her the space she needed to reflect on this sensitive and emotionally loaded topic. I wanted to ensure that all PCC markers were covered and most probably also wanted to avoid any awkward silences as I was doing my best to be present, actively listening, and gaining more coaching experience.

During the feedback discussion after the session, she rightly pointed out that she had Asian roots, and brought to my attention the fact that in most Asian cultures a discussion often has a slower pace than in other cultures.

  Furthermore, during my first intermediate mentor coaching session as a coach, the ICA teaching gave me a very useful piece of feedback “You might,” she said, “want to think about using a little more silence.”

I thought carefully about what that statement meant to me.  I took her comments to heart and pondered what this would mean for my peer coaching practice and how to engage in “more silence”. I was curious to learn more about the use of silence in a coaching context, understand the cultural perception, and most importantly how it could become a powerful tool rather than an awkward pause to be avoided by all means.

  Explanation

Silence is often associated with religion or rituals as a means of spiritual transformation or a metaphor for inner stillness. Silence is also associated with shyness or introversion when someone doesn’t want to draw attention to themselves. Silence can also be used as a way to remember a tragic incident and to remember the victims or casualties of an event in a commemorative ceremony. Silence can also be legal protection enjoyed by people undergoing police interrogation or on trial in certain countries.

The cultural aspect associated with silence was a discovery to me, and I realized that it is a key component as the average pause length in a conversation may vary by language and culture. The perception of silence in a discussion may vary tremendously. Chances are that the “pause” will be two or three seconds at most. What one culture considers to be a perplexing or awkward pause, others see as a valuable moment of reflection and a sign of respect for what the last speaker has said.

Research (1) conducted at the University of Groningen in the Netherlands in Dutch and also in English found that when silence in conversation stretched to four seconds, people started to feel unsettled. In contrast, a separate study (2) found that the Japanese were happy with silences of 8.2 seconds –nearly twice as long as for Americans. In cultures such as those in Latin America or Italy, people often interrupt or talk over each other, so there is never or very rarely silence.

Besides the cultural and context, when is silence considered as awkward? A sudden absence of noise can be uncomfortable because it seems unmanaged. During an awkward silence, it could well be that one person might be panicking or that two insecure individuals are simultaneously acknowledging their security. People are not very familiar with silence and usually try to fill the gaps. Let’s now see what happens in a coaching context.

Application

During a coaching session, there is no power game at stake. One person, the coach, is managing the session and therefore the awkwardness described above becomes a space that enables the client to process their thoughts and feelings without distraction. It can be a great coaching tool as silence helps the client to gain clarity of the difficulties they face and consider a possible way forward.

To be able to perceive silence as powerful rather than awkward, an entire shift of meaning needs to be considered.

An awkward silence sounds negative in the coaching context and has synonyms such as quiet, still, gag, muzzle, censor, stifle and speechlessness, wordlessness, dumbness, muteness, taciturnity, reticence, uncommunicativeness, unresponsiveness.

A powerful silence has synonyms for the coaching context such as quietness, quietude, still, stillness, hush, tranquility, peace, peacefulness, peace, and quiet.

1) Disrupting the flow: How brief silences in group conversations affect social needs, Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, NamkjeKoudenburg, Sept 2010

2) Yappari, As I Thought: Listener Talk in Japanese Communication, Haru Yamada, Global Advances in Business and Communications Conference & Journal: Vol. 4: Iss. 1, Article 3., 2015

Shifting the meaning and the perception of silence is a skill that can take a while to feel comfortable with and to master, often feeling that silence indicates that the coach has run out of questions. The coach may be met with silence when asking a question to the client – this could be that the client has not understood the question or they are thinking through the answer. A few things could happen then and experienced coaches will allow silence to give the client enough space to think through their response to the full. Less experienced coaches may want to dive in straight away with another question or rephrase the first.

Coaching silence goes beyond occasionally keeping quiet to provide the client with a few seconds of internal inquiry”. It’s a continual process throughout the coaching session and the coaching needs to create the right atmosphere and environment to allow for all the benefits of silence to be observed. It can enhance the coaching session.

These are the benefits of silence that I see in a coaching session. Silence can be :

A time to make connections, to reflect and wait for words or images to occur.

A space in which feelings can be nurtured and allowed to develop

A space in which the client can recover from “here and now” emotions and observe what he/she feels.

An attempt to elaborate an answer

Reflection

As I continue to train and gain experience in coaching I am also continuing to learn the power of silence and to use silence as a tool. I have realized that not only is silence important but it is also interesting as well to reflect upon when the silence occurs. What preceded the silence? Is the client reflecting? Is it the right time to give more space and allow my client to think through their answer more fully, to consider what answer they have already given, or to explore further options?

My learning has taught me to reflect on what silence means to me and my relationship with silence. I try to resist the urge to jump in or interrupt. It also allows me to be better able to gauge what questions to ask next.

The key learning of using silence as a powerful tool in coaching is actually before the session begins. I now pause and apply silence before a peer coaching session. This allows me to focus and reach a level of inner calm. That pause is an eye-opener for me, and although it feels like an eternity, I now realize that it is very brief.

While it may feel counterintuitive, especially for newer coaches like me, I find that in general when I am present but not intruding, I’m more fully connected to my clients and I feel their engagement in their process grow stronger. I am grateful that I was allowed to shift my mindset from awkward silence to powerful silence in coaching, and I realize now what a gift it is to simply sit with our clients in their deepest moments.

References / Bibliography

BBC Worklife article – “The subtle power of uncomfortable silences”, 2017

“The untapped power of silence in coaching”, ebook

Koudenburg, Namkje, “Disrupting the flow: How brief silences in group conversations affect social needs”, Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, Sept 2010

Yamada, Haru, “Listener Talk in Japanese Communication”, Global Advances in Business and Communications Conference & Journal: Vol. 4: Iss. 1, Article 3., 2015

Prochnik, George, In Pursuit of Silence: Listening for Meaning in a World of Noise, Anchor Books, 2011 Original source: 

[inflammatoryfandomblog]

on blake and running away

this post will be just me rambling about some tension i’ve noticed in the show for the longest time, yeah? i'm not trying to like, take people’s favorite characters away from them or whatever, but it’s me trying to come to terms with the fact that “running away” seems to be a very common theme for WBY... and for BY, it’s handled a bit oddly.

adam is mentioned as a matter of course, but i don’t really look at him the way you are used to--i don’t talk about the race stuff at all. i exclusively look at his abuse to Blake here; let it not be said that i’m so hung up on the race stuff that i ignore this part of his character. but if talk about abuse triggers you, you may not want to read this--it doesn’t really talk about personal experience at all and it’s not graphic, but this is a deeply personal Topic so i will warn you right now.

since this is long (no, really, it’s long as hell because it takes some explaining, and it’s more me trying to wrap my head around this than coming to a conclusion), i’ll stick it under a readmore:

Hello there!

Now, let’s all get on the same page, shall we? We all know that Adam’s a slimy creep in the show, right? And that most of his words to Blake should be taken in the context of what he intends to do and comes forth from his character?

This is a pretty basic observation... the things that characters say can be safely assumed to have a purpose in some way. Like Adam saying “my dear” or “wow we finally have alone time!” or whatever crap isn’t meant to be taken at face value as romantic, right? In fact, because Adam is (supposed to be) charismatic and an emotional abuser, you should generally assume there is some ulterior motive to what he says. (If this isn’t obvious to you, see Blake telling Yang that Adam only has power because of his manipulation in the Brunswick Arc.)

Which kind of strikes me as weird because... this isn’t really in line with how the writer’s depend on Adam’s dialogue sometimes? At certain points you’re supposed to take his framing as basically true--think of when he yells “what does she even see in you?” which ... is supposed to be taken by the audience as “see, even Adam sees their relationship, in case you haven’t gotten it yet!” rather than the kind of meaningless unhinged statement an abusive, jealous controlling asshole would make,

And like, if it were limited to rare instances like this, I wouldn’t really care about it that much, I would just take the unnatural dialogue as the audience clue-ins they’re meant to be and take Adam’s talkativeness in the final fight as RT being excited that Garrett Hunter can finally do the bare minimum of voice acting. But the reason it bugs me is because Adam was previously used to outright tell us Blake’s supposed character flaw of running away and we were just... supposed to take it at face value?

So, Adam constantly taunts Yang during their volume 6 fight, reminding her of Beacon to no end. And if you know Adam’s character, you’d know that this is meant to be intimidating shit-talking to Yang and to get her to attack him. It’s not even really subtle. “You’re a coward! Just like [Blake]” etc etc etc

(The fact that it doesn’t really work at all in this fight and he fucking keeps taunting her even when it clearly doesn’t work is the reason why Adam is annoying as hell during that fight. I’m salty that I was forced to be put through his voice acting, yes, I’m allowed to be petty.)

Remember this line of dialogue from him, because it’ll be important later: “You’re a coward! Just like her!” He frames her running away as a flaw pretty consistently, and this actually lines up with her character arc:

So flashback to the earlier volumes, right? Blake’s self-identified flaw is that she “always runs away” in volume 2. In that infamous volume 3 fight, Adam says, in response to Blake’s “I’m not running!”: “You will.” And that’s what happens, and it’s supposed to fuel most of the Yang-Blake drama in subsequent volumes. 

Volume 4 has Blake outright say that the reason she ran away was because she wants her friends to hate her so they can be safe, and Sun basically tells her, “you don’t have to be alone, your friends are here.”

In volume 5, Yang reinforces that this is supposed to be a trait of Blake, and it’s also framed negatively: “she ran!” Now Weiss contextualizes this in their talk by basically saying that Blake is lonely and she ran away because she wanted to protect them, and Yang repeats the whole notion of “she doesn’t have to run! We were here for her.” In that very same volume, Blake  “now he can see what it feels like to run away” when she successfully out-organizes Adam. The parallel between Blake now having Support and Backup and Therefore She Doesn’t Need to Run Away Anymore, while Adam Lost His Influence and Therefore Must Run Away.

In the V6 ending  song “Nevermore,” Blake’s first singing part implies that her running away is a character flaw that she got over by killing Adam:

Will I be afraid (Adrienne) Nor will I run away (Casey) It's behind me (Adrienne + Casey) Freedom is finally here (Casey)

So it’s clear that the story the show wants you to take away from this is that Blake always runs away because she views herself as a burden to her friends and won’t let them help her, and she needs to open up more and be more confident in her value as a person and push people away. Her arc is about that in volume 5, where she defeats people via the Power of Friendship. She spells out her character arc to Sun in volume 5, chapter 5:

“I’m going to try and help [Ilia] the way you helped me. You showed me that sometimes you need to be there for a friend even when they don’t want you to be. I was drowning in guilt and fear, and I tried to push you away, but you didn’t give up on me. And I can’t give up on Ilia; it’s about time I saved my friends for once.”

Blake’s character arc post-season 3 revolves around being comfortable with relying on support and supporting others, and that helpfully stops her from running away and lets her face her big problems. 

This would all be all well and good if it weren’t for the fact that running away actually isn’t the bad thing that the show tries to frame it to be, if you were to judge by what actually happened in the events of the show and the actions of other characters, and this is where my big beef with Blake’s arc comes from. I’m going to argue that running away wasn’t actually a character flaw Blake had at all, and the show treating it as such is it basically siding with Adam on this particular issue.

Blake has run away 3 times in the show’s runtime thus far.

1. The first time was in the Black Trailer

2. The second time is in volume 1 when she inadvertently reveals herself as an ex-White Fang member to Weiss

3. The last time is during the epilogue to volume three when she absconds to Menagerie

All three instances were actually valid and ended up being good for Blake. (1) is her escaping an abusive relationship. (2) leads to her finding Sun and opening up to a fellow faunus for once. (3) is Blake running away back to a support system she already had--her parents, who are pretty loving and accepting of her. The fact that she ran away might be the best thing Blake did--yeah, it wasn’t perfect, Yang was hurt--but objectively, Blake reconnected with the people who love her unconditionally and she was also there to save her parents from being murdered by Adam.

To pile on to these instances, Blake’s personality is actually rather confrontational. She constantly gets in arguments with Weiss in volume 1, and in volume 2, her character arc is basically her freaking out because they weren’t doing enough about Torchwick. 

But but but--! I hear the objection to this statement--Blake in volume 2 herself said that she always runs away from her problems! Checkmate atheists!

Well, dear reader, it’s not. Self-perception isn’t necessarily always true, especially if you’ve been emotionally abused before, as Blake has been. In volume 2, Blake sees herself as a coward who runs away all the time even though this is directly contradicted by her personality and actions.

Now, who in her past might benefit from framing “running away” as a bad thing? That leaving him to “run away” to other people means she’s a coward?

If you bothered to remember the quote I told you to remember earlier, it’s Adam! Adam stands everything to gain by telling Blake that running away is Bad; stay with me, Blake, don’t run and abandon me like your parents did. This would be the most striking and lasting example of emotional abuse, directly related to Blake’s self-perception and tying into a lot of the things she does in the show.

Would be. But the show sort sides with Adam here--running away is Bad. Adam is, according to the explicit messages of RWBY, what the show wants you to believe, right in saying that Blake always runs away. 

But she doesn’t. Hell, she doesn’t even run away from him when the going gets tough, and Adam himself doesn’t even believe that Blake is a coward. Remember the first time she him saw in in volume 3? They were really far apart and Blake could have just ran, but Adam stabbed a random civvie knowing that Blake would rush in to protect him. And like clockwork, Blake indeed did attack Adam to try to prevent harm.

(And yes, Adam used the exact same trick to lure Yang into attacking him, except instead of stabbing a nondescript extra, he stabbed Blake. Connections!)

This kind of stuff partially why I’ve always been uncomfortable with the abuse backstory, because much like the racism stuff that I have a problem with, the show just... ignores the big elephant in the room. Blake already had this self-image discrepancy going on in the first 3 volumes, but it never properly gets addressed again. Like with the violent-but-not-extremist White Fang and Sienna, it gets a throwaway line to explain its absence: “Yeah, look, Adam called Yang a coward! We’ll just vaguely nod at this!” But Blake’s arc proper? There’s nothing about coming to terms with her running away or using it as a concrete in-story example of her untangling Adam’s abuse--that might actually get people uncomfortable, you see--so it slowly gets morphed into the safer and easier plotline of “see, you just need to let yourself rely on people!”

And it’s weird that it got dropped so easily because “running away” is pretty much a... not a theme, but a thing three of the four main girls have going on. Yang has abandonment issues because her mother up and ran away--in fact, the language of how Running Away is Bad and Cowardly is brought up in the talk-ju-jitsu scene with Raven. 

This is probably the easiest connection in the world to make--Raven and Blake both ran away, but as far as Yang is concerned, it’s okay with Blake because... “she came back,” which... uh??? uhhhh???? It uncritically accepts that Running Away is a Bad Thing--it’s the coming back part (which wasn’t even an intentional thing on Blake’s end; she didn’t even know RWBY would be there) that “redeems” Blake’s sin--see Yang’s “you came back!” and Weiss’s “she will [come back.]”

Which... is actually kind of weird in light of how Running Away vis-a-vis Blake is handled (ie, she gets the notion that it’s a bad thing from Adam--but certainly she shouldn’t go back to him). The show didn’t need to do everything in its power to frame Running Away as a bad thing; it could acknowledge that while it may hurt somebody, running away is sometimes the best thing you can do, and this could actually tie into Yang’s abandonment issues, because if there was a character that also needed untangling with the concept of Running Away, it was her. 

But it seems like Blake and Yang won’t really talk about any of this in the future, because we can’t have conflict because of people’s differing experiences with running away, apparently. Blake’s act at the end of volume 3 did hurt Yang and potentially... swept under the rug, because Blake Came Back, Guys! We can put a ring on it now. Because getting over abuse is always straightforward, you will never make mistakes trying to heal yourself, and there are never hard decisions to make! 

I never see people talk about this, so maybe it’s worth a mention. But Weiss is also technically guilty of Running Away--from an abusive household, in this case, much like her sister. And here, much like with Blake, it’s a good thing. But with Weiss, the narrative actually admits that leaving was the right thing to do for herself and her character arc is actually about that. So it’s exceedingly strange for me that Blake doing the exact thing Weiss does is a “flaw” she had to get over, instead of something that could be looked at and digested.

Blake’s experience with abuse is an element that never seemed to really resonate with me personally, because what I saw on screen and what was implied didn’t add up perfectly. I like the message of “support systems matter” of Blakes volume 4-5 arc in concept, but it never felt exactly right, because what Blake actually resolved and what was visibly her problem never felt 1:1 to me. 

[badmousestuff-blog]

The problem with Free Speech (Script)

One day I was helping out with the Free Palestine stall on Church Street. About an hour in a young dude came up to me, and gave us the usual conservative drivel.

He told me that he couldn’t support the left, because to him we were against free speech. Right below me were flyers detailing the extent of Israeli war crimes against Palestinians, and how little the world still hears about their plight. He stated that he wasn’t interested in our campaign, and bid me farewell. For, of course we must have our standards.

(Rowan Atkinson speech)

There’s never been a more unshakeable dogma in my lifetime than that of Freedom of Speech.

The real test of a country’s standards is if it allows people to criticise one another, especially the regime. The foundation of Liberty and Freedom and Friberty, is the story of free expression, after all, if you want to know who has the power, just look at which group you’re not allowed to criticise. Right?

Well no, I’m here to say that Free Speech isn’t just some base, flatline, monolith from which all societies are to be judged like an angelical truth, its a political concept, thought up by human beings, subject to critique, and frankly is in great need of one.

Let’s start with something simple.

Your concept that Free Speech is good, is only possible if your opponent also agrees with you, i.e. they’re not going to kill you if you disagree.

So therefore if your opponent doesn’t ?? and will use aggression against you, then you can’t really argue for free speech can you?

The conditions around you need to be such that nobody is going to die.

Right, whats next, oh I gotta do the Hitler bit, right…

Y’know the story, Weiner Republic, Full suffrage, large democracy, massive instability and debt caused from the prior war, enter the Nazis, and the German Communist party. Yes everyone seems to forget that the Commies were there too, headed by Ernst Thalmann, and at their peak gained 16% of the vote in 1932. Whilst Ernst was forward in his Anti-Fascism, the Social Democrats, and their newspapers, didn’t seem to understand the concept of a united front, they refused to confront the Fascists in an effective manner and simultaneously denounced the KDP as being a bunch of Muscovites, sporting the famous Iron Front symbol, The third arrow originally meant Anti-Communism, mind.

The SPD’s failure to effectively confront Fascism aided Hitler’s rise to power, sent the KDP underground, and Ernst to 11 years in the hole, followed by a firing squad.

So don’t tell me free-speech exists in vacuum, it doesn’t. In this video we’ll ask the necessary further questions.

Who dictates the media, who controls which advertisements we see, which views are more profitable? Does the removal of speech in given scenarios serve a common good? And if the enlightenment was correct why did Liberalism fail in its mission?

(Rowan Atkinson)

This clip was one of the first main intro points for me as well as many others into the realm of Super Free Speech, and it’s strange looking back just how dated it is. It’s not like we didn’t have the arguments back then, but moreso that nobody really cared, we were all swept up in the dogma, to challenge free speech would be on the same level as strangling a baby.

Anybody can go around today and talk about the joy of free speech, but it means nothing to a person who has no power with that speech, Freedom to Beg? That's not a freedom; that’s institutionalised sadism.

I’m not a believer in Maslow’s hierarchy but hypothetically, this really wouldn’t go number 2, it’d be right down at number… 27. Why do I say this? Well in the words of some philosophy guy people say I look like, “No rights matter if you’re dead”.

Food, Water, Healthcare, and Housing. These are all things you need in order to survive, in other words fulfil the other things that we consider ‘rights’ - rights that are worth struggling for. And despite the fact that the millions end up dying from the lack of these rights, even when they’re universally agreed upon, ever notice how this struggle goes very very quiet… Suspiciously quiet.

Sargon on the Socialists

I wonder…??? I wonder why the left seems to be largely committed to these causes, it’s something you find scantly addressed in the middle and right spheres with the exception of private individual charity (OSCAR WILDE), and Carl may find himself wondering why it is that these ideologies can barely create a solid solidarity towards these topics.

You might be a Liberal and say “Yeah yeah, I support that too though” but fact remains there’s no confidence here.

I see no outpouring of condemnation coming from you when Politicians like Bolsonaro press forward their restrictive measures, unlike what you have to say about this powerless Redhead. Why is that?

Count Dankula, who interestingly I had a couple scuffles with a while back without realising it, last year taught his dog to do a Hitler Salute, and he got fined £800. Now that’s probably one of the most petty excuses for a sentencing I’ll admit, but again this isn’t about whether it was justified, it’s about people’s standards.

Dankula received enormous support from, well, everyone, and he’s now more famous than he ever previously was, enough to be at the forefront of the free-speech festival later that year, and even use his fame to help push the emergence of UKIP. This is attention that people would pay top dollar for, way more than £800. He should be proud that he got a court hearing.

Frankly, me and my colleagues didn’t really care about this whole thing too much, just ask my IWW friend who I was with when this all went down. What happened around the same time that did catch some of our attention though was the plight of the J20 protesters who got arrested back during Trump’s inauguration.

Some of these people are on the butchers list to serve 60 year sentences for standing against a president who’s, a real dick, like I get the whole Liberal opposition is fucking corny but still he’s a dick, they’ve all been dicks, he’s just continuing what every dick who ever stood on centre stage ever started, this is America, you think Bernie’s going to save you? You think reforming the democrats can change the number one imperialist power?

Apologies. If you’re at all concerned that I didn’t give a toss about Dankula’s pug joke, if you’ve ever had friends like him this stuff isn’t too surprising, I know these are highly political times but a guy who votes UKIP is really not our number one concern right now.

I didn’t give a toss, but I know somebody who did, Mike Stuchbury, who you’ll remember from his childish twitter ramblings and dealings with Watson. Who proclaimed that the left needs to stand with Free Speech, A free-speech that is largely in the teat of Right-leaning discourse.

Sargon who was there with him, earlier that year got de-platformed by lefty-liberals in his debate with Muke.

The dogma is enforcing itself here, the left is all supposed to throw up our hands in swich liquor, of which vertu engendered is the flour, and decide Whether we should allow freedom of speech to our enemies, or not allow it, when the actual thing we should be doing, is taking hold of the narrative and putting forward our own ideas as the new talking point of discussion, instead of fucking Nazi Pug.

“Hey, you, what gives you the right to determine the narrative?”

Thats a good question, the hegemonic propaganda of our status quo is already setting the narrative, Noam Chomsky “I’m bored bye”

How can I make this more interesting… Ah ha…

IT’S TIME FOR FILM THEORY!!1 WOOOO

-

The Pursuit of Happiness.

In 2006 Will Smith told the story of Chris Gardner, a black man who struggled through poverty, separation, and fatherhood whilst living in San Francisco.

He gets an internship with a sales company and despite having to put up with a lot, by the end of the film he passes and at this point, we’re supposed to feel happy and redeemed, but to those who’ve watched it (surely I’m not alone) was it really a happy ending?

I’ll say that I walked out of the viewing feeling very uncomfortable and sour, but why is that?

Well for starters, that Internship he got was a 6 month unpaid one, in the most expensive US city might have something to do with it.

Then he’s got to deal with his wife leaving him, then he’s got to take care of his son, then he loses his source of income, then he’s got to deal with eviction, sleeping rough, not sleeping at all, by the end of the movie sure he gets his redemption but the message of ‘when life gives you lemons, just keep getting pummelled with those lemons and don’t ask why’ ultimately seems hollow.

Contrast that a more traditionally Anti-establishment film which was made by a literal Communist, where the exploiters are treated as they should be and thats what comes across on screen, with surprise horse-dick, and while Happiness doesn’t treat them like saints, they sure don’t come across as devils either.

6 months of free labour he and 19 other people who did not make the cut that they are effectively giving away for free.

What about those other 19 people, who ever tells their story?

The way his superiors always act like total dicks pushing him around and getting him to be their lobby boy, they lost nothing. And now he’s going to work for them.

Is the message here supposed to be “Well if this guy can survive the moon falling on him, what the hell are you complaining about?” Actually yeah, I think that consciously or not, this is what’s being said… Don’t worry we’re getting to the point of all this.

The extent of exploitation is naked, yet in the way the movie is presented I’m inclined to agree to this, and take it into my home, and sleep with it.

Now name me as many pieces of media that regurgitate this same old theme of rags to riches through adversity, to look at the man on centre stage, yet pay no attention to the millions locked in a cage.

Sure, say it how you will, Art is merely what you make of it and there’s not necessarily any devious agenda being pursued at any time. That’s one perspective I guess, another might be that there’s no such thing as Art for Arts sake, it all gears itself to differing political lines.

In a society based on private, individual enterprise, it's no surprise that Art would also foster themes that would support society as the normal and natural, even if they appear on the surface as radical.

Case in point, well the entire Hollywood Catalog.

On the Waterfront is literally Mccarthyism on celluloid, The People vs Larry Flynt guises pornification and billionairedom with a story of libel and freedom of speech.

And ironically enough probably the worst offender is, well I’m gonna lose some of you now, Billy Elliot, the Movie.

In which 2/3rds of the way through Billy’s dad strike breaks as a way to pay for his son to go to a prestigious arts school, y’know rather than maybe having him stay and use his skills to improve, embolden and enliven the downtrodden community, rather than leaving it to die.

Jackie’s very sympathetic in his devotion towards his son, except Striking is caring for your family, you’re fighting for a better future, together, as one, and it’s thrown away in favour of a much more individualistic get out of your circumstances, go and live your dream.

Now I’ve read Lee Hall, I know he didn’t intend for this to come through, but he is also no more aloof than any of us, we’re all susceptible to this ‘Common Culture’.

Just see the way our ‘Common Culture’ infiltrates into how Communism is talked about, in 2015’s Trumbo. The Hollywood screenwriter who was blacklisted for 2 decades for being a member of Communist Party.

Could make for some groundbreaking stuff right?...

Well no, instead we’re left with a film that focuses entirely on freedom of expression, which is ironic because if they represented him truthfully it would’ve resulted in a much more nuanced movie.

All we get is a 2 minute scene talking about Communist ethics and god its done in the most sanitised, unradical, storybook tale way possible, that doesn’t in any possible regard represent who the actual Dalton Trumbo was.

“If a book or play or film is produced which is harmful to the best interests of the working class, that work and its author should and must be attacked in the sharpest possible terms.”

I think I have a case that profit incentives are steering the way in which media is presented…

We have no problem pointing out the subtle propaganda messages in Soviet children’s cartoons (Cheburashka) but reverse that onto our society, prepare for some awkward stares.

You may argue that none of what I’ve just spoken about here has anything to do with censorship of free expression but this is the problem, our notions of censorship are stuck firmly behind the Berlin wall, and thats far too simplistic not to mention outdated.

Undoubtably Coca-cola has a far greater reach of expression than I ever will be able to ascertain, what says who can speak on a public forum, decide the content of a documentary, of a publication, of a movie, or a political campaign?

If a book is blacklisted by all publishers for political reasons, what difference does it make having 1 publishing house or 100?

If 90% of the movie market alone is controlled by just 7 companies, what kind of advice is “Just start your own business”.

If we want to talk about the free flow of expression and information, what little are these flyers (Free Palestine) when Zionism has a whole nation, and 2 continents supporting it?

This is the kind of expression we’re dealing with today, not the voices of individuals, but of multinationals. The fact that we had in any way an outpouring of sympathies towards one of these companies, Sony, for having their movie The Interview possibly censored by DPRK agents is a testament to how lost in the plot we have become.

And if by chance the media cannot direct the status quo by monopoly, it brings out its tried and tested method.

Commodify it.

I present to you Guerrillero Heroico, this photograph was allowed such free spread not simply because its bloody badass, but because there was no IP designated upon it, by Korda’s intention as a Communist himself he agreed with the free-flow of art. And what did this result in at the behest of Capitalist Corporations? The pastiche of revolution, to be bought and sold many times over.

Take any form of media, word, an expression, it will be hoisted away, slapped on a shirt, and sold back to you at a handsome price. You cannot escape this.

The moment that this (my tattoo) becomes the new Che it loses all its power, resistance is reduced to at worst LARPing, at best Nerd Fandom, and the winners are the profiteers.

If profit is the aim of the game, the speech that is supported will inevitably favour that which nurtures the economy, not destroys it, unless in farce. Speech ain’t a level base of which a country is determined by, its an apparatus held by those that dictate the game.

This is why there is a necessity for us to control the narrative, control the message, because if we don’t, they’re still going to.

-

Obligations:

When armies with unequal numbers go into battle, a draw is a defeat for the lesser side.

Make believe it or not Radical Centrist politics have their political leanings as well, even if just by effect.

Look I like free speech, I love it, I’m a goddamn youtuber, but I’m not stupid, I know what’s coming, I know that groups would try and silence me if they could. That’s politics.

You might go “All we’re talking about is the legal sphere”. Firstly the legal is the political, pure ideology to say otherwise, but second it’s difficult for you to call yourself a fighter for free speech when as I’ve explained there’s sooo much more to it than simply the judicial.

Many proponents will even side-step the judicial boundaries anyway when monopoly becomes involved, and if I have to explain how Monopoly is not an externality of our system but an inherent part of accumulation then… sigh.

Strange how we’re usually all skeptical of an Economic Free Market but the Free marketplace of ideas unlocks your inner Libertarian.

Its when I see stuff like this that I begin wondering if this is all just a trend that will eventually die off when people realise the complexities of their circumstances. I remember just a few years ago how many Libertarians were speaking the merits of free speech until they discovered that methodological individualism wasn’t actually achieving their goals. I count down the days when Lauren Southern finally calls for limits on speech just like her limits on borders. After all freedom is not free it must be defended right?

And btw folks usually aren’t as brave to actively advocate limits so they’ll always present justifications, such as that these views are mental disorders, or they’ll destroy civilisation, or these people are Degenerates.

This is a historic moment in political discourse, at this point ultimately we’re interested in picking sides, and you’ll do this just as much as anyone will.

On the left we like to talk a lot about Left Unity. I’m not necessarily against the idea, but a lot of the time people make a religion out of it, glossing over the fact that many aspects of various factions (???) contradict. It might not be immediately obvious, but when push comes to shove these conflicts become very apparent. There are some principles in which each side certainly doesn’t see eye to eye.

“Politics is pervasive, everything is political and the choice to remain apolitical is usually just an endorsement of the status quo”

If it wasn’t obvious, I’m a Communist, yeah yeah say what you want, I believe in the liberation of those who do all the work through armed struggle based upon material conditions. I’m going to therefore be in favour of real mass culture, the stuff that gets people focused on achieving liberating aims instead of just appealing to markets. Its for this reason that I’m not interested in defending the views of right-wing nationalists, fascists, reactionaries… my enemies in other words, the ideas largely speaking which regress the people and they’re not interested in defending me either, wouldn’t expect them to.

If all you’re talking about is the centre, you’re gonna get flanked, sorry.

You might bump in when I denounce Dankula stating “His punishment showcases the system is at fault” and I would agree. This system is at fault, its been at fault since before our constitution was written, and it’ll never stop being at fault until you solve the contradictions.

Liberalism did fail, its ideals never came to fruition and that’s the reason why Socialists bring forth the praxis to achieve it, sometimes that’ll involve using words, sometimes it’ll involve lots and lots of guns, but let me tell you, you can’t always fight a war by playing nice, sometimes you have to use a diversity of tactics to achieve it.

Maybe we need 11 of them? (Shows book)

But thats more of a material answer and I know that most you don’t give a crap about some dead Chinese guy., but getting back to the original idea about responsibilities behind our speech, well, here’s something to think about.

So… here goes nothing.

If you’re a straight white male aged 11-16 in the UK and weren’t brought up to fit into the standard male dynamic, chances are you got picked on, sometimes a lot, sometimes that’s every day, not necessarily violence but words from numerous mouths are highly unnerving.

I did not have a particularly fun time adolescence. Every day was horrible, I never had a feeling going in that this would be exciting or, this would be a day where things would be different, everyday was a total black smudge with no end in sight.

Unlike other people, I never got to have a group that I fit into, so I had no escape, nothing to take my mind off things.

Looking back I don’t know why I bothered going in, I wasn’t getting amazing grades anyway.

When I went to Drama school and other clubs on the weekends and after school, I would also get picked on, but it wasn’t in spite, it was just general, friendly teasing. But there wasn’t a difference in my mind, because when you’ve had to deal with so much constant abuse, and paranoia, and humiliation 30 hours a week, it fucks you up.

So when Id say to the weekend buds “I dont like this” theyd go “Oh come on man its just a bit of fun, its okay, dont worry about it, its just a joke, its all okay”

Back then I didn’t have the nerve, I just put up with it, but if I could go back, Id say. No, actually its not Okay, because you don’t know for the life of me how much I have had to deal with this shit, to me that doesn’t come across like you’re being funny, like your laughing with me, it comes across like you’re a psychopath who wants to get pleasure out of my misfortune.

Of course the response to this would be obvious “Well what am I supposed to do? Just talk to you like a robot. You should just get over it, leave it in the past. Your making it harder for everyone” or some other faux-victimised response.

And sometimes y’know they might be right, maybe I should’ve not made worse a bad situation, but fact remains I still bleed.

To you, this is just having fun and games, to you and your other friends its normal, but to me its a threat.

Now today you can call me what you want I don’t care, I’m out of that place now and I’m all the better for it,

But even though some 7 or 8 years since then I’ve been able to recover, I still carry a hangover of it all, and it affected my decisions later on in life sometimes to a dire extent,

Its had the effect of making me feel both distrustful of people, and also like Im a burden to be around other people,

I never feel I should hang around for too long, I never want to take chances in friendship for fear I’ll embarrass myself, I say one thing out of tempo and suddenly flashbacks and an enormous shadow of mordor conjures over me. And I think most of all its been very difficult for me to express my emotions because I used to do it a hell of a lot.

Those 5 years were the single handed worst years of my life. And if you were at any point responsible for adding to that devastation and humiliation, then a large part of me wants to lash your goddamn skull inside out.

Because as trivial and generic as my story may be, that part of my life has been stolen from me, and those 5 years I will never get back.

So what’s the point of all this?

“Ossidents are sometimes surprised that, instead of buying a dress for their wife, the colonized buy a transistor radio. They shouldn't be, the colonized are convinced their fate is in the balance. They live in a doomsday atmosphere and nothing must elude them”

I want you to place the relatively minor experiences I received as a child, and translate those into other groups, victims of domestic abuse, victims of colonialism, racism, sexism, queer phobia. Like I said I’m out of that place now, but others aren’t, for many people they still live day to day in this ever pressing struggle, trying to just tell people “Please, just don’t do this”.

It’s not okay. But maybe together you’ll help me out with solving these problems?

My conclusion to this is simple,

Free Speech is not just something you can fling around to score political points, it doesn’t materialise simply because we all decide it should. If we want free-speech we need to break a few eggs to make an omelette.

We need to be sure that the conditions in society don’t proliferate toxic ideas that might even lead to the downfall of said society.

This very Tattoo that 90 years ago would’ve been Anti-Communist as hell has become a Pan-Left symbol against Fascism. Its living proof that with the correct methods the conditions of words, symbols, ideas can be resolved.

When class struggle subsides, when our social divides have been solved, when the conflict doesn’t oppose the existence of certain folks, then maybe, we can well and truly say that we can have free speech, and we’ll stand at a comedy show and yell “Yes, lets talk about those BEEP BEEEEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP” and be met with cheering applause from all sides. But until then, Don’t be a dick.

[kiruuuuu]

Thatcher/Lion oneshot in which mutual respect happens.  (Rating T, fluff, ~1.8k words) - written for @smashinterrupted

.

The aftermath is never easy to cope with. Thatcher feels it under his fingernails, like dirt which refuses to be washed away, visible and shaming him, making him feel unclean. It’s worse when it hits one of them but bad enough when it affects civilians, and the loss of life in T or C has been substantial. There’s a subdued atmosphere in the base, an aura hardly noticeable but the old Brit sees it nonetheless, a dark mist emanating from some of his colleagues, draining their energy, haunting their dreams. And the worst thing is that it’s contagious. He can’t save them all, pulls a few aside, assigns work that distracts them, pairs them with people who might cheer them up. Ying takes it hard, so does Doc – in his own way. Others are more secretive about it or need to be reminded to sleep.

Thatcher has trouble sleeping himself. Always has, he’s a light sleeper and the missions he failed or in which he succeeded did not help, merely heightened his alertness over the years. He’s mastered napping, often nods off whenever there’s an opportunity, has been mocked for it extensively though it’s sometimes the only thing that keeps him going. Most of the operators respect the unspoken rule to quiet down whenever he falls asleep in his chair or against someone’s shoulder, resort to either texting each other or whispering and he appreciates it with a ferocity he can’t let anyone know. Oftentimes, it was Montagne’s shoulder which promised rest, a brother-in-arms who understands his plight. Recently, his friend is preoccupied with someone else though.

A small lamp is all that illuminates his furrowed brows and squinting eyes. He’s uncomfortably perched on an old desk chair, a hand-me-down from one of their offices they haven’t gotten around to replacing yet, his fingers clacking away on the keyboard in front of him. He’s so absorbed in his task that he didn’t hear Thatcher entering the corridor to the medical rooms, doesn’t even notice him appearing in the door frame. It’s much too late to be working, much too late to be awake even and yet here he is, the black sheep of the flock, the one who dared to ask Doc for trouble. So his request has been answered – by Thatcher himself, nonetheless. It’s unlike him to resort to violence, to allow someone else to get under his skin like that and yet Lion carried the evidence on his cheek for a few days, a rainbow-coloured bruise reminding Thatcher of his transgression. He overstepped a line and couldn’t bring himself to regret it regardless. Not then.

“What -”, he begins his question and is interrupted by the Frenchman violently jumping as soon as he does, almost knocking his mouse off the table, eyes suddenly wild. “Sorry, didn’t mean to startle you. What are you doing at this hour?”

“Working”, comes the laconic reply. He’s not particularly talkative around Thatcher and it’s not like he can blame him. There are tomes piled up on the desk, countless bookmarks adorning them which look to be colour-coded and meticulously organised. Thatcher hasn’t seen any of them around, not in Doc’s office or their own records. Curiously, he steps over, reads some of the titles on the back without understanding most of them while Lion watches him darkly, clearly wishing for him to disappear sooner rather than later. It’s an odd mix, mostly legal books, a few newspapers with highlighted articles, medical journals and reference works – odd because it’s all unrelated to Lion’s usual tasks.

“I didn’t know you were a legal expert.” It’s meant to sound polite, just some small talk between colleagues suffering from the same infliction yet comes out snippy.

Lion’s eyebrows lift, visibly weary and unimpressed. He’s heard it all before, maybe Thatcher wants to make a joke based on his nickname as well, because those are oh so innovative. “I wasn’t”, he says curtly and directs his attention back to the screen which is much too bright for this hour. No wonder he finds no respite.

Something about him is odd. His prim demeanour and clipped speech make it easy to dismiss him as yet another pencil pusher, as someone who prefers working in the safe confines of an office even though Thatcher knows nothing could be further from the truth, has seen the other operator knee deep in guts and gore while fighting for so much more than just his own life. Whenever he can, he keeps his surroundings clean and sterile and there’s only one person Thatcher knows in this line of work who unfailingly insists on this sort of meticulousness. And that is Doc.

Thatcher hovers over him and has no doubt he’s annoying the Frenchman but he wants to know more. “Nothing of what you do requires you to work with this sort of material”, he points out and Lion heaves a sigh, accepting the fact that he’s not going to get rid of the nosey old man without satisfying his curiosity.

“There were a number of unaddressed problems. The jurisdiction wasn’t regulated well and even now, there are legal disputes over various issues. Not even CBRN had an expert for extraterrestrial viruses. Now they do. I coordinate with her and make sure she has access to everything she needs seeing as Lera – Dr Melnikova – is busy enough with the rest of this mess.”

“Sounds like a lot of work.” It does. Especially like work not required of a Rainbow operative and still, Lion seems to dive into it with a drive Thatcher hasn’t encountered in a long while. Tired eyes slide over to him suspiciously and he realises that Lion is waiting for a catch, a barb, something. He’s young, too young to be this tired of the people who are supposed to be on his side, are meant to have his back unconditionally. And so Thatcher hears himself say: “You went down like a wet noodle. If you like, I can show you how to block a punch like that.”

Hesitation. Again, he’s pondering a potential higher motive. It might be the soothing darkness around them, an odd, artificial sort of camaraderie created by the late hour and a common enemy. Or maybe he still has hope left. In any case, Lion nods.

.

For someone who’s been in close contact with one of the most skilled hand to hand fighters in Spetsnaz, even more talented than Kapkan, he’s a disaster. His blocking is atrocious and after an hour, Lion has had enough, gathers what’s left of his wounded pride and leaves to nurse his aching body which became intimately acquainted with the ground during the session. A large part in Thatcher doesn’t expect him to return but is proven wrong a few days later.

It becomes a habit. They meet up after work to spar without anyone knowing – Lion seems to prefer it that way – and something… There’s something. With how responsible and independent the Frenchman carries himself, Thatcher didn’t think his paternal instincts would kick in and he remains unconvinced that’s what it is. But he finds himself nodding whenever some of the work Lion presents is acknowledged. His suggestion to train was meant as an outstretched hand offered to a teammate in an attempt to help them back on their feet, not more, maybe even an implicit apology, but what he’s left with is an odd sense of pride and responsibility for the waspish operator.

One day, Thatcher forgets to bring something to drink so they make a short trip to a nearby store. Another, they end up going to a fast food place afterwards due to an odd craving Lion has. And they talk. Mostly about work since there’s hardly anyone who knows about Lion’s extra duties. But also about other topics; topics which spark dissonance though there’s no resentment on either side. They’ve come to respect each other, even if they disagree.

And then Lion topples him. It’s messy and results in both of them losing their footing, crashing to the ground in a heap and Thatcher tells him that elementary school fouls might be effective but indicative of bad sportsmanship, but Lion smiles nonetheless, half sitting on him and a sense of accomplishment brightening his face.

He’s improved a lot over the past weeks – he looks healthier, too. Discussing his work troubles with Thatcher seems to do wonders for his stress levels even if the Brit is rarely of any real help other than moral support. Then again, maybe that’s exactly what he needed. Being bested by Lion for the first time is the perfect opportunity to stop and direct him to someone else, Finka herself or Kapkan who treats the Frenchman friendly enough. He’s done his part, right? He’s helped him get back on his feet, now he needs to fend for himself again. There’s no need to continue with their meetings.

He does anyway.

.

It’s inevitable. Tempers flare and Lion’s reputation screams for trouble, so trouble he gets. It’s been avoiding him recently, allowing for a break but now it manifests in the form of a pissed-off Navy SEAL getting up close and personal with a pale Frenchman. Their body language is unmistakable, Lion’s flight response at the ready but not kicking in yet whereas Blackbeard’s impulse to fight is not only clearly telegraphed but also eventually carried out.

By the time someone intervenes, the American is already on the ground, incapacitated, brought to his knees by an old-school takedown Thatcher learnt in his early days – not very efficient and normally easy to counter when it’s expected. Blackbeard’s horizontal position shows unambiguously that he wasn’t expecting it, however, and so it fulfilled its purpose. Blitz attempts to defuse what’s already de-escalated seeing as Lion doesn’t push it, steps back as soon as it’s clear he’s won this altercation which occurred just as fast as it’s been resolved. It seems that most of the reproach in Blitz’ voice is directed at Blackbeard, therefore Thatcher sees no need to interfere.

During the quarrel, Lion’s improved unarmed abilities weren’t the only thing showcased and Thatcher is pretty sure the Frenchman is oblivious to the second, possibly more important factor: there’s only a handful of people who could’ve taught him the manoeuvre, with Thatcher being the most obvious one. So even if neither of them speak of their activities in their spare time, someone will have taken notice and spread the word.

Their eyes meet and gazes lock. Even at this distance, Thatcher can tell the young man is pleased with himself but mouths something nonetheless, accentuates it with a contented nod: “Good lad.”

It’s the second time Lion smiles at him.

[aiimaginesbts]

What You Never Had: Chapter 11

Reader x Jin, Taehyung, Jimin, Namjoon

Genres: Royalty AU, fluff and angst

Word count: 2,936 words

Chapter 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 (M) | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 (M) | 13 | 14 (Final)

A/N: Thanks Ann @godsavemefrombts for beta-ing this!

Disclaimer/Copyright

You knew you should never have trusted Jimin.

Still, it was too late to do anything but smile now. Although you'd have liked nothing more than throw a few choice words at your brother or even deliver bodily harm, the man standing next to him was preventing you from acting on your raging emotions. The only thing you could do was the exact opposite of what you felt like doing, but you did it anyway; you smiled. "Why did you summon me here, dear brother?" You addressed Jimin, lips in place but with eyes shooting daggers towards him, emphasising the last two words so that they came out saccharine sweet.

"I happened to mention the small problem that you are struggling with to Namjoon when Prince Taehyung was in attendance," Jimin said, clearly trying to keep himself from laughing outright. He knew exactly how angry you were with him. It only served to fuel the playful side of him, relishing it as he gestured to the person in question. Prince Taehyung's warm expression, on the other hand, was polite and didn't seem to be hiding any mischievous intent. A tool of Jimin’s scheme, unsuspecting in the part that he was playing in this. You weren’t sure if you were more sorry for the guest Prince or yourself.

You followed Jimin's gaze to look at the Crown Prince of Delphina. It wasn't hard to guess the reason he was here, but the expression you showed him was of polite curiosity regardless. "I inquired about the possibility of teaching you to dance. That is why your brother brought me here; so I could ask you myself," he answered your unspoken question.

Of course Jimin would talk about something like that when Prince Taehyung was within earshot. You wondered if he'd said anything else to get the guest Prince to make such a suggestion. Really, you wouldn't put it past your brother to do just that. It wasn't a gesture that you appreciated — does anyone like having their weaknesses revealed to someone they hardly know? — but there was nothing else you could say now. "If Your Highness don't mind, it would be my pleasure."

"Well!" Jimin exclaimed suddenly with a clap of his hands, causing you to jump a little and catching Prince Taehyung's attention. "There is no time like the present. If I recall, Your Highness, you do not have anything scheduled this morning, am I correct in saying so?"

"Yes, I am quite free," Prince Taehyung confirmed.

"Then I'll leave you to it," Jimin said chirpily. The speed at which everything progressed and settled blew you away, and you couldn't think of anything to say. Your flabbergasted state gave Jimin the opportunity to make a quick exit, but not before flashing a wink your way. As the door to the hall closed behind him, you decided that you could take up your grievances with him later, and make the best of the situation for now. The sound of the heavy mahogany door echoed in the large space that was empty except for you and your suddenly appointed instructor. Taking a deep breath to steel yourself, you turned to him, mind racing to come up with something to say.

"I'm sorry about that." In the end, an apology was all you could think of. For your brother's behaviour and for your own lack of abilities that had landed Prince Taehyung in this situation. However, he shook his head, disagreeing with you. Wordlessly, he extended his hand for yours. You obliged, allowing him to place your hand on his shoulder, his own on your back, and took your other hand in his.

He started to move slowly, taking you with him, and only then did he start talking again. "I'm glad to be given the opportunity. As Prince Jimin pointed out, there is nothing else that requires my attention this morning. It is a happy coincidence that the opportunity presented itself to me, as I'd like nothing more than to be able to personally talk to the princess that the two Princes of Amaryll speak so highly of."

Hearing that your brothers had spoken about you to the Crown Prince that you admired shouldn't have been surprising, but having him tell you so was still unexpected and pleasant. Suddenly you felt bashful and unable to say anything more than a soft, "thank you."

As if sensing that you were uncomfortable with the news of your brothers' praises for you, Prince Taehyung didn't pursue the subject. Instead, he made a note of your movements aloud. You were rusty, and you'd never been good at dancing in the first place, but some of it were slowly coming back to you after all these years of not practicing or learning. There was no music to accompany you, but Prince Taehyung made up for it by counting with every step, helping you keep time. In a way, you found his deep baritone voice to be just as pleasant as an orchestra, a simple, repetitive melody that served as a guide as he led the dance.

You were far from being an expert, but you could tell that the Crown Prince was an accomplished dancer. It was relatively easy to follow his lead; the way he moved, the subtle yet seamless transition from one step to the next helped you advance with him in the way that he intended. Still, you didn't find the activity very enjoyable. It was impossible for you to relax when you were constantly afraid of stepping on his foot.

“I hear that you are the reason I am here,” Prince Taehyung said out of the blue, causing you to snap your head up at him.

“I beg your pardon?” You asked, confused.

“Although we haven’t caught them yet, you are the one who found the culprit behind the people’s disappearances, aren’t you?” He clarified, and you could see something in his eyes that you rarely saw in anyone else’s save your family members and Jin. It was admiration and respect. Just by exchanging one look, the Prince made your heart swell. You’d always been convinced that you were more capable than most people gave you credit for, but to be constantly brushed aside and ignored was discouraging. Even though Namjoon was always proud to boast of your achievements and gave you credit for your contributions, you’d always felt that the acknowledgement you’d received from the nobles were grudgingly given. They would rather sing praises of your brothers’ feats, just because you were a woman.

Yet here was a nobleman, the Crown Prince of a prospering country, no less, who not only acknowledged your contribution but brought up the topic for discussion as well. It floored you, and not in a bad way. “Yes,” you managed not to stumble on your clumsy one-word answer. Truth be told, your discoveries that led to finding the threat behind the disappearances had much to do with luck and timing. Still, it didn’t take away from the fact that you were the instigator of the current state of events, and his note of it flattered you. “It was more of a coincidence, Your Highness.”

“It doesn’t seem like the case, from the way His Highness Prince Namjoon talked about you,” he mused.

“I’m sure he exaggerated,” you returned, trying to will away the blush creeping up your cheeks. Just what exactly Namjoon had said to Prince Taehyung was admittedly something that had your curiosity piqued. However, you didn’t feel that it was polite to ask Prince Taehyung about a personal conversation you weren’t a part of, despite the amusement you could see dancing in Prince Taehyung’s eyes at your reaction.

Entertainment aside, the Crown Prince of the neighbouring country was also watching you with interest. You felt like you were being assessed. It only added to the self consciousness that had started to plague you since you started dancing, but now for a completely different reason. Still, he didn’t make you entirely uncomfortable. Perhaps it was because he’d made it known that his impression of you was favourable, but far from wanting flattery, his attention only made you bashful. As if sensing your mood, he didn’t insist on continuing to talk about what Namjoon had said about you. On the other hand, the next question he had didn’t stray far from the topic at hand. “He also voiced his concern about going into Zinnis to track the kidnappers down. From what I know of the relationship between Amaryll and Zinnis, I can see why he is cautious. After all, even if our group is welcomed there, locating their hideout is another matter.” You nodded at his vocal thoughts. They were, of course, the same problems that worried you. “Well, Princess, where do you think it is?”

He managed to startle you a second time in a short span of minutes. Even though he might hold you in higher regard than most men in the castle, you didn’t expect for him to seek your opinion. It wasn’t something that you hadn’t pondered before, but the sudden question had you telling him your honest thoughts without holding anything back. “As you said, Your Highness, Amaryll and Zinnis are not on good terms, so it is imperative that we find the kidnappers’ hideout quickly. Another thing to be considered is their ties with the government. Groups like this tend to be supported by someone in the position of power, I think, and if they catch wind of our suspicions, they may be more vigilant, or run away completely.”

“All the more reason to locate them quickly,” he agreed.

“Upon arrival, if possible,” you said gravely. “Which is why it would be wise to attempt to pinpoint their nest before setting off, and verify it, if it can be done.”

“It would be difficult to send in spies into Zinnis in the first place, what with their tight security,” Prince Taehyung pointed out. “It is not a very feasible option to send men to scour every corner of the country in secret.”

“Not every corner, surely, Your Highness,” you corrected him gently. “The people carrying out this operation are pirates, and therefore are confined to the harbours. That already narrows the search area by quite a margin.”

“Something tells me that you are of the opinion that it can be narrowed even more,” the Crown Prince prodded with a twinkle in his eyes.

“I cannot be entirely certain, of course —“ you began, but the nod of his head encouraged you to continue humouring him, “but if I were to venture a guess, it would be somewhere near the border of Zinnis and Gazan.”

The grin disappeared from Prince Taehyung’s face, perhaps by the strength behind your answer. Despite cautioning that your theory was not a sure thing, you sounded confident in your estimation. “What makes you think so?”

“Even if a government official is involved, it is still an illegal activity, so they need to be careful and inconspicuous. Being close to Gazan which allows slavery would serve them well should the need to flee arise. They can bring the people they have kidnapped and quickly sell them off to acquire the funds they may need to set up a base elsewhere, perhaps even acquiring protection, if the people of Gazan find their contribution valuable enough,” you told him. If the kidnappers were indeed in Zinnis, you could think of nowhere else that would be as convenient as the border between those two countries.

Prince Taehyung’s expression was one of silent contemplation. It was as if his eyes were piercing through you, so sharp was his gaze. You started to squirm ever so slightly in his arms, but the discomfort disappeared into thin air when he relaxed and adopted a genial air once again. “Even if I had any doubts before, you have completely convinced me that they are unfounded.” Before you could ask whether he had doubts about Namjoon’s claims to your abilities or your estimate on the kidnappers’ base, he pulled your focus back towards your current situation.

“Contrary to what Prince Jimin said, you don’t seem all that bad at dancing.”

Just like that, he brought you back to the ballroom. The soft clicks of shoes against the marble floor, somehow forgotten during your discussion with Prince Taehyung, greeted your ears again, forming a rhythm that replaced his earlier counting of the beat, a music of its own. Your skin froze everywhere that was in contact with him, and suddenly he felt too close. Gone were the thoughts that whirled around in your head during most of your waking hours as of late, taken over by the panic and expectation to take the right step, to seamlessly follow his lead. Naturally, that led you to fumble and land your foot onto his.

Your panicked apologies were brushed aside by Prince Taehyung’s laughter, a melodic sound coming from such depths that seemed contrasting to his beautiful, delicate features, that you wouldn’t have expected if you’d never heard his pleasingly deep voice before. “It is a mistake on my part,” he said magnanimously, “after my attempts at distracting you with tedious political talk, I suspected that you would perform better when you are not so fixated on your movements, yet I brought your attention back to it.”

Despite the events of the morning of your first dance lesson with Prince Taehyung, it wasn’t marked as the last. It wasn’t a daily occurrence, but often when he had time away from the discussions and the duties that he could carry out away from his home, he sought you out for another lesson, and another. You were obliged to accept, of course, so you thought nothing of it. Although at times the sensation that made you want to squirm returned in his presence. You’d heard that Prince Taehyung was good at reading people, and sometimes you thought that was exactly what he was doing. Reading you. If he truly was, he gave away no indication that he found anything he discovered to be unsatisfactory, yet you weren’t sure if anyone would enjoy being given a look that seemed to pierce through their soul.

However, he more than made up for any discomfort you might feel on your part. Here was another person who was inclined to talk about matters of the nation with you. Perhaps he didn’t indulge in disclosing confidential information as much your brothers did, but it was more than you could have hoped for. An extra source of information is always valuable. Moreover, the Crown Prince didn’t only share with you the progress of the preparations for pursuing the kidnappers. He was also more than happy to tell you more of his kingdom. They were superficial details like the weather, notable buildings, the trade — usually focusing on the differences between his country and yours that he could observe, but having never gone far from the capital, much less into another country, you found his little tidbits, his stories to be riveting.

As you swung in his arms once again one afternoon, your eyes were pulled to the door before it could even make a sound as it closed shut behind the newcomer. Jin’s presence was the sun, and your eyes planets of a galaxy, gravitating around him, pulled towards him. However, none of the sun’s warmth, none of Jin’s usual easy comfort wrapped around you this time. Instead, a chill enveloped your skin, despite being in Prince Taehyung’s firm arms. In the span of less than one second, the frost-like feeling creeping up your spine was replaced by red-hot fire everywhere your skin touched his. Even your back felt burnt by his hand there, and your instincts were to jump up and away from him, but you kept yourself as calm and collected as you could. Jin was the epitome of professionalism, his face expressionless, unbothered by the sight of you dancing so closely to Prince Taehyung, but there was a darkness in his eyes that sent a pang of regret inside you although you weren’t doing anything wrong. Even his voice didn’t betray any feelings, unfaltering as he apologised for interrupting and informing that the Crown Prince Namjoon had asked you to join him for tea.

Happy as you were to spend some time with Namjoon, you were more eager to make an escape from Prince Taehyung and talk to Jin. The former released you with an easy smile, brushing off your gratitude for his time and informing you that it was his pleasure. Even though Jin was just behind you as you walked through the long corridor outside the ballroom, the distance between you felt bigger than an ocean. Unable to stand the growing silence, you slowed your step to look sideways at him, trying to meet his eyes as you said, “Jin, I’m sor—“

“Don’t apologise,” he cut you off softly. It wasn’t unkind, but it left you clueless as to what to say. After a few moments, he ended the quiet, saying, “I do wish one of your brothers could teach you how to dance, though.” Looking up at him again, you saw no blame in his eyes. Only a wistful smile that inflicted more pain than any scolding ever could.

The funny thing was, you were sure your own features were twisted into a similar expression. “I wish you could teach me.”

With that, both of you lapsed into silence once again, letting your echoing footsteps distract you from letting the truth consume you. To attempt to ignore the fact that in the public eye, the close proximity that you had with Prince Taehyung earlier was something you could never have with Jin.

[ami-pondkin]

My current struggles (finding release)

(This post talks about covid and the vaccine, I mention conspiracy theories, panic attacks, and loneliness. Please don't read if these things make you uncomfortable)

I've never used this space for my personal life but I'm at the point where I feel like it's the only place I can talk and actually sort through my feelings. People won't agree with everything I say here, that's fine but not the point of this post. I don't really want to open a debate I just need release. This is very impromptu and was just me gushing my feelings in desperation.

I've struggled through covid as many have. Prior circumstances and the timing of covid has left me with no friends where I live and very few in general (I could count on a single hand) and I'm not just talking close friends, I'm talking about all types of friends.

But there's been something else that's made this even worse.

A member of my family is a major Conspiracy theorist. They've allowed themsleves to be consumed by them when in a vulnerbale state. It's meant that covid cannot be talked about at all without severe arguements and blowouts. We were able to manage and in some ways, it helped me cope with the beginning of the pandemic.

One way I coped with all of this was completely distancing myself from the news - except for changing of restrictions. Therefore, no talk of covid let me live in my bubble of peace.

However, then the vaccine came along.

I want to preface that I am by no means against the vaccine, although I wasn't immediately pro-vaccine either (I am also only talking about the covid vaccines in this post). I took the time when the time came to research the vaccine to try and make as informed a decision as possible. The family member I mentioned has been somewhat helpful in this in that they already have many non-mainstream articles/medical viewpoints on the vaccine.

I learnt that not all their claims are outlandish. I also learnt that there is just as much fear-mongering on both sides. There are also very similar characters on both sides, from highly rated doctors to successful entrepreneurs with zero medical backgrounds having huge say on this topic.

I can understand where a lot of people who don't want the vaccine are coming from, it is still very new and there are risks of adverse reactions. But it all depends on your overarching viewpoint of the pandemic. Do you believe it is a serious issue that has killed millions? Or do you think this is all a major overreaction, deaths figures being false and everyone who's died was already on their way out? Or you might even believe the whole thing is a hoax. These all have major influences on your view on the vaccine. Do you trust the government or not? Do your beliefs make you concerned about protecting others as well as yourself or do your beliefs make it pointless for you to have the vaccine?

A lot of my struggle has been finding my standing point in all of this. What do I believe?

Personally, I do think covid is real. I do also realise that due to the pace of events some recorded deaths were not in fact due to covid, a lot of these are now being rectified. I don't think this is all some government scheme though. Just honest mistakes. I think that there are alternatives methods to treating covid, but the pharmaceutical companies are pushing their own products. I appreciate that as a young healthy person I am most likely to get mild flu and be fine. But that's not definite and I also have worries about long-covid. I'm starting uni in September and will be thrust into an environment with a lot of people and am doing Creative Writing and Drama, if I were to get covid and then long-covid, it would screw me over study wise and social wise. I've already spent five years (since I moved school and location) being lonely and not fitting in. Do I want to risk another hindrance? I also want to protect others. The vaccine doesn't make you 100% immune, some people can't have it due to medical conditions and I don't want to be the one that infects someone who dies.

I do have issues with all the virtue signalling. I understand that this is something many people are passionate about and you want others to feel the same. But people need to be allowed a choice, the vaccine should not be mandated and people should never be pressured into it. People should be encouraged to research and make their own decision. I cannot stand the superiority of people posting all over social media they get the jab.

So after a lot of consideration. I will be having the vaccine. It feels instinctually the right thing to do for me.

Now, I have to have that conversation with the family member. I have to tell them that I will be going completely against their views, we've had some discussions before that have ended in me being insulted and guilt-tripped. I don't doubt it will happen again. I've been waiting for a day when emotions aren't emotionally charged but it's been nearly two weeks. I'm scared and on the day of writing this, I've felt nauseous all day. The stress and fear from this have already given me what might have been panic attacks (I'm unsure because I've never experienced them, I'm also scared to accept them for what they are). Dealing with this whilst still working retail (on a stand, alone), preparing for Uni and dealing with how much of a failure moving has been for me, whilst also struggling not to compare myself to other people who look like their doing life better than I has put me at my wit's end.

I'm at the tipping point on the verge of another break-down constantly. I live in fear and walk on eggshells.

I'm glad I've written this. It feels good to put it out there even if no ones hears. At least it's not just in my head anymore. If you got this far, thank you. I'm not sure if I'll leave this up.

[hecallsmehischild]

Gaining Ground

This is a post about weight. Specific numbers have been used so if this is a trigger, be warned.

In my early twenties I stepped into a Seattle health clinic, a little sliding-scale-fee affair that took me for $30 a visit. Knowing the state of my lungs, I was likely there asking them to treat my pneumonia, but you always get your height and weight taken no matter the reason for your visit.

I’m five foot four and haven’t gained an inch since my mid-teens. My weight, however, has been a steadily climbing number since about then, too. And that day it read 216 lbs.

Sighing, I accepted the obligatory warning about my weight and added it to the file in the back of my head that also held the post blood-draw phrase, “Your cholesterol levels are still too high.”

I had never seen the numbers on the scale go down. They only ever went up, therefore they would only ever go up, right? Dieting never worked for me because eating felt better than whatever emotional hurt I had at the moment, so self-set goals and boundaries crumbled in the face of any upheaval, large or small. This teamed up with my fear of delving into an eating disorder if I started “caring too much” to produce a reactionary indifference that said, loud and proud, “Who cares what I eat? It tastes good and I’m enjoying myself.”

Not too long after, I moved back to Los Angeles and settled into an apartment with a highschool friend. Mom started talking to me about a diet she had picked up, something she does every now and then to see if it’s the one that will help her. What really caught my attention this time was that Dad was using it. My Dad is a big man and he has never been able to lose the weight he’s gained either, but Mom swore he was losing weight on this diet. Later, he confirmed it to me as well.

If my Dad could lose weight, then it had to be possible for me to, I thought.

So I tried this diet, the HBC123 drops and the super strict regimen of what you are allowed to eat. I shrugged off friendly accusations that I was using a placebo. Did it really matter, I reasoned? Even if it is a crutch, it’s helping me do something I’d never done before. I held onto this as I watched my weight drop under 200 lbs for the first time in years. I promised myself I’d never go over that number again.

I never could hold onto the diet for the full term. It was supposed to last 30-40 days, but I could only do two weeks tops. I would do a round every now and then, but there was a lot of emotional upheaval and I would quickly collapse into old habits. My roommate and I sometimes tried to moderate portion sizes of our food, but the same problems kicked in. Over a couple years I dropped down to 185 and hovered between 185 and 190 for a very long time.

A few years passed. Earlier this year My boyfriend proposed an idea. A diet where we each eat one major meal a day and supplement it with fresh fruit and veggies throughout the day. We would hold each other accountable. He mentioned we could make a promise that we would hold to it for a week, but I knew myself. I knew I couldn’t make a promise like that and actually keep it for a whole week. I modified, saying I would promise every day that I would “eat only one major meal today!” because I had a much better chance of keeping a day-by-day commitment than a week-long one. There was too much baggage attached to this topic for me to have confidence in a longer commitment.

So we have been doing this since March, with relatively few “cheat days” in between (we are allowed one cheat day per week. Most weeks I try not to take mine). We take long walks once or twice a week (though he goes walking more often than I do). As of today I am hovering around 170 lbs. I am down from a XXL swimsuit to an XL. I had to replace my pants and the ones I have now I’m holding up with a belt.

I wanted to share this because sometimes you have to try a few different things to find what fits. When I shared what I was doing to lose weight this year, the most alarmed response I got was, “Oh no, that’s not healthy for you, you have to have three meals.” But it was working for me. I was getting all the calories I needed from one meal and supplementing with a lot of fresh fruits. I wasn’t getting weak or fatigued and far from plunging me into eating disorder, it taught me a balanced amount of control over my hunger and eating impulses.

Also, what works for someone else will not always work for you. People have different needs and are at different stages in their lives, and just because something was a magically perfect weight loss solution for one person does not mean you’re a bad, lazy person if it doesn’t work for you.

Also. Accountability really helps. Choose accountability partners carefully. Do not choose a person who will use shame as a tool, choose someone who cares about you as you are but would love to see you do even better. It makes a world of difference. Like, the difference between Child being a stubborn ass who would eat more food out of defiance and Child actually trying to keep to a diet.

Also. Yes, it’s possible. You might hear it’s possible all the time, but maybe you haven’t heard a voice telling you the specifics of the struggle. Well, here you are. I’m now in my late 20′s and over five to six years I slowly and irregularly lost 46 lbs. I heard the words, “Your cholesterol is normal,” spoken like it was no big deal, and I almost cried. I look in the mirror and, for the first time in a very long time, I see that there is more of a shape to my face and I like it.

For the first time I feel comfortable setting an “end goal” weight because it’s in sight. BMI suggests I should be aiming for 140, but that number sounds a little alarming to me. I don’t have a petite structure and 140 sounds like undershooting a healthy weight for me. I’m not, however, uncomfortable with the idea of 150, so that is my end goal weight. I have little milestones set for myself. When I go down from 170 to 165, I get to get my favorite ice cream treat as a celebration.

This post is not for everybody. I am very well aware that people are at different stages of their personal growth and development, and that sometimes that means “now is not the time.” I am also aware that what I am talking about is not an option for everyone and that some are incapable of making these changes. Separately, there others who perhaps do not want to change. This is not a post for any of you, it is not a barb or a spear or any form of accusation. This is a post for people who would like to lose weight but there’s something in the way, or it never works, or they wonder if they’re doing something wrong, or it’s taking way too long.

Keep trying. Check out different methods. Find an accountability partner. It’s can be done.

[personalcoachingcenter]

A Smart, Educational Look At What POWERFUL SILENCE VS. AWKWARD SILENCE *Really* Does In Our World

New Post has been published on https://personalcoachingcenter.com/a-smart-educational-look-at-what-powerful-silence-vs-awkward-silence-really-does-in-our-world/

A Smart, Educational Look At What POWERFUL SILENCE VS. AWKWARD SILENCE *Really* Does In Our World

A Coaching Power Tool Created by Melanie Brown (Retirement Preparation Coach, SWITZERLAND)

To hear, one must be silent. Ursula K. Le Guin, 2012

Introduction

Silence as a power tool was inspired to me by a peer coaching experience. I was a fairly new ICA student and having my second peer coaching session. My peer client brought a very personal topic to the table: her estranged relationship with her sister. Every time she reflected after answering one of my (many) questions, I was already ready with the next one, rushing in to fill the gaps,  instead of just pausing and giving her the space she needed to reflect on this sensitive and emotionally loaded topic. I wanted to ensure that all PCC markers were covered and most probably also wanted to avoid any awkward silences as I was doing my best to be present, actively listening, and gaining more coaching experience.

During the feedback discussion after the session, she rightly pointed out that she had Asian roots, and brought to my attention the fact that in most Asian cultures a discussion often has a slower pace than in other cultures.

  Furthermore, during my first intermediate mentor coaching session as a coach, the ICA teaching gave me a very useful piece of feedback “You might,” she said, “want to think about using a little more silence.”

I thought carefully about what that statement meant to me.  I took her comments to heart and pondered what this would mean for my peer coaching practice and how to engage in “more silence”. I was curious to learn more about the use of silence in a coaching context, understand the cultural perception, and most importantly how it could become a powerful tool rather than an awkward pause to be avoided by all means.

  Explanation

Silence is often associated with religion or rituals as a means of spiritual transformation or a metaphor for inner stillness. Silence is also associated with shyness or introversion when someone doesn’t want to draw attention to themselves. Silence can also be used as a way to remember a tragic incident and to remember the victims or casualties of an event in a commemorative ceremony. Silence can also be legal protection enjoyed by people undergoing police interrogation or on trial in certain countries.

The cultural aspect associated with silence was a discovery to me, and I realized that it is a key component as the average pause length in a conversation may vary by language and culture. The perception of silence in a discussion may vary tremendously. Chances are that the “pause” will be two or three seconds at most. What one culture considers to be a perplexing or awkward pause, others see as a valuable moment of reflection and a sign of respect for what the last speaker has said.

Research (1) conducted at the University of Groningen in the Netherlands in Dutch and also in English found that when silence in conversation stretched to four seconds, people started to feel unsettled. In contrast, a separate study (2) found that the Japanese were happy with silences of 8.2 seconds –nearly twice as long as for Americans. In cultures such as those in Latin America or Italy, people often interrupt or talk over each other, so there is never or very rarely silence.

Besides the cultural and context, when is silence considered as awkward? A sudden absence of noise can be uncomfortable because it seems unmanaged. During an awkward silence, it could well be that one person might be panicking or that two insecure individuals are simultaneously acknowledging their security. People are not very familiar with silence and usually try to fill the gaps. Let’s now see what happens in a coaching context.

Application

During a coaching session, there is no power game at stake. One person, the coach, is managing the session and therefore the awkwardness described above becomes a space that enables the client to process their thoughts and feelings without distraction. It can be a great coaching tool as silence helps the client to gain clarity of the difficulties they face and consider a possible way forward.

To be able to perceive silence as powerful rather than awkward, an entire shift of meaning needs to be considered.

An awkward silence sounds negative in the coaching context and has synonyms such as quiet, still, gag, muzzle, censor, stifle and speechlessness, wordlessness, dumbness, muteness, taciturnity, reticence, uncommunicativeness, unresponsiveness.

A powerful silence has synonyms for the coaching context such as quietness, quietude, still, stillness, hush, tranquility, peace, peacefulness, peace, and quiet.

1) Disrupting the flow: How brief silences in group conversations affect social needs, Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, NamkjeKoudenburg, Sept 2010

2) Yappari, As I Thought: Listener Talk in Japanese Communication, Haru Yamada, Global Advances in Business and Communications Conference & Journal: Vol. 4: Iss. 1, Article 3., 2015

Shifting the meaning and the perception of silence is a skill that can take a while to feel comfortable with and to master, often feeling that silence indicates that the coach has run out of questions. The coach may be met with silence when asking a question to the client – this could be that the client has not understood the question or they are thinking through the answer. A few things could happen then and experienced coaches will allow silence to give the client enough space to think through their response to the full. Less experienced coaches may want to dive in straight away with another question or rephrase the first.

Coaching silence goes beyond occasionally keeping quiet to provide the client with a few seconds of internal inquiry”. It’s a continual process throughout the coaching session and the coaching needs to create the right atmosphere and environment to allow for all the benefits of silence to be observed. It can enhance the coaching session.

These are the benefits of silence that I see in a coaching session. Silence can be :

A time to make connections, to reflect and wait for words or images to occur.

A space in which feelings can be nurtured and allowed to develop

A space in which the client can recover from “here and now” emotions and observe what he/she feels.

An attempt to elaborate an answer

Reflection

As I continue to train and gain experience in coaching I am also continuing to learn the power of silence and to use silence as a tool. I have realized that not only is silence important but it is also interesting as well to reflect upon when the silence occurs. What preceded the silence? Is the client reflecting? Is it the right time to give more space and allow my client to think through their answer more fully, to consider what answer they have already given, or to explore further options?

My learning has taught me to reflect on what silence means to me and my relationship with silence. I try to resist the urge to jump in or interrupt. It also allows me to be better able to gauge what questions to ask next.

The key learning of using silence as a powerful tool in coaching is actually before the session begins. I now pause and apply silence before a peer coaching session. This allows me to focus and reach a level of inner calm. That pause is an eye-opener for me, and although it feels like an eternity, I now realize that it is very brief.

While it may feel counterintuitive, especially for newer coaches like me, I find that in general when I am present but not intruding, I’m more fully connected to my clients and I feel their engagement in their process grow stronger. I am grateful that I was allowed to shift my mindset from awkward silence to powerful silence in coaching, and I realize now what a gift it is to simply sit with our clients in their deepest moments.

References / Bibliography

BBC Worklife article – “The subtle power of uncomfortable silences”, 2017

“The untapped power of silence in coaching”, ebook

Koudenburg, Namkje, “Disrupting the flow: How brief silences in group conversations affect social needs”, Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, Sept 2010

Yamada, Haru, “Listener Talk in Japanese Communication”, Global Advances in Business and Communications Conference & Journal: Vol. 4: Iss. 1, Article 3., 2015

Prochnik, George, In Pursuit of Silence: Listening for Meaning in a World of Noise, Anchor Books, 2011 Original source: 

[j-hyvn]

Reaction to Your First Time Not Being Consensual. . .

!! WARNING !!    THIS INDICATES THEMES OF RAPE, SO PLEASE DO NOT READ FURTHER IF YOU ARE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH TOPICS SUCH AS THESE. SENDING LOVE, PROTECTION AND HAPPINESS

Anonymous said: Hello! I was scrolling through your blog and saw that you did bts' reaction to your first time being non-consensual. Would you mind doing that for EXO and got7 as well?

Reaction to Your First Time Not Being Consensual. . .

[BTS Reaction Here >click, Got7 Reaction Here >click, iKON Reaction Here >click]

A/N again, this reaction contains sensitive topics, so please only read at your own comfort.

Kai Eonni ~

Suho. . .

This would be a very serious conversation that Suho would not be able to ignore. He would need to know the details of how you handled the situation, did you call the police, how many people know, and is the person who hurt you behind bars, and if not, why? He wouldn’t seem like a boyfriend to you anymore, but instead a father that was caring and wanting justice for his child. After learning this information he would see you in a new light, not one of pity or belittlement, but one of awe and admiration. You went through something so horrid, and yet here you were, smiling, moving on and still somehow able to find hope for the future. He would want to be by your side as you move on, wanting to be a part of and a source of your strength. 

D.O.. . .

The moment you tell the story about that nightmare of a night Kyungsoo would be filled with such a deadly rage. He would be enraged at the person for making you feel so hopeless, enraged at the person for hurting you in such a way that could never be taken back, enraged at the world for leaving you alone in that moment, enraged at the person for making you feel like you need to apologize for what happened. However, no matter how strong these emotions are inside of him, he wouldn’t let you see them. The only emotions he would allow you to see would be his unconditional love for you and his determination to protect you and help you pick up whatever pieces of you have fallen when working so hard at keeping this horrific story inside of you for so long. After hearing this story he wouldn’t change how he approached you, though he would change how he watched you, keeping an eye on you whether out in public, at your house or at the dorm. When you get to spend nights together, he would become a little more affectionate than he was before, giving you a kiss on the forehead a few seconds longer than they normally did, but it would be so subtle that you would think you imagined his change, but it’s there.

Chanyeol. . .

He would be completely broken hearing this. He might even ask you not to continue the story because he’s so extremely upset at the story and doesn’t know how to deal with the intense hatred and anger towards the person who did this to you. Anyone would be able to see the confused and distraught emotions swimming through his big brown eyes. He would just end up pulling you into a tight hug, both needing comfort from you, but also needing to give you reassurance that this doesn’t change anything. After hearing about your past he would be come a lot more touchy with you, always needing a hand or arm on you to remind him that you’re there with him and okay now, also again, him needing to get some comfort from you in those moments when he’s just looking at you and imagining the fear and pain you went through. He would be more protective of you around other men as well, as if he’s trying to prevent what happened from happening again.

Xiumin. . .

He’d be the most collected and controlled when hearing this information. He wouldn’t say much, assuming you just wanted him to listen to your words and receive them, but not give his input, after all there wasn’t anything he could say that could fix it, all he could say was sorry that it happened, but he knew those were just words. And if anything, he would want to do something meaningful than just filling silence with useless empty words. He would pull you to his chest, giving you a place where you could feel safe, loved and needed all at once, while listening to his heart beat, proving how much he was still there despite your broken past, and to him, this was more meaningful than any words he could spit out. Nothing would change after your disclosed past, he would continue to shower you in love, continue to play around with you, continue to make you laugh and continue to care for you the best way he can. He wouldn’t let this affect your seemingly perfect relationship, knowing that you needed to leave those nightmares behind in order for you to move on and he was determined to help you with that.

Lay. . .

He would cry. He would be absolutely broken, his heart filled with sorrow imagining how scared and alone you must have been. He would begin to cry harder when he imagines what could have changed and been done differently if only he was there for you. He would be filled with poisonous guilt that physically hurt his heart when he thinks of what he was doing that day, probably laughing and enjoying a peaceful moment with his group members, not filled with fear like you were. He would apologize through his tears as he holds your hand, unable to raise his head and meet your eyes. You would need to comfort him and explain how you hold no anger or feelings of despise towards him, after all he didn’t know you. After hearing this he would try to make it up to you, because although you assured him that you aren’t mad at him, he still feels he needs to make up to you his absence in your life at that time. Therefore you would need to expect a lot more affection from him and a lot more little meaningful presents given to you at random times.

Chen. . .

This would be one of those rare moments when Jongdae would be serious and quiet, allowing you to just let your words leave your mouth without the fear of being picked on or judged. He’d nod at the right moments and would keep his eyes on you to show you have 100% of his attention. When you’re done with your story, he would reach a hand over and hold your hand gently while leaning over to give you a sweet kiss on your cheek while whispering ‘I love you.’ softly, knowing there’s not much he can say to make it better, but knowing that those words are more important than anything else, wanting to assure you despite your horrific past, he’s still madly in love with you. He would change slightly after that moment you two shared, you’d find his hands on you more often, as well as him being more affectionate when you two are alone and more clingy when you guys are out in public, but he wouldn’t admit it and would answer your questions with a witty remark and a goofy smile that only compliments Jongdae.

Kai. . . 

Honestly, he wouldn’t know really what to do. He would be in kind of disbelief, imagining his sisters going through that, and just wouldn’t be able to wrap his head around it. He would want to comfort you, but wouldn’t want to do something wrong, and therefore would keep his reactions to the minimum. Even after days pass, he would still not know how to respond, and would most likely need to call his sister and ask how he should respond, following her advice he would finally come to you when you two are alone and give you the love and affection you need, apologizing for his actions and explaining himself, you could hear the self loathing in his voice and would need to assure him you understood. He would make it up in the following weeks, maybe even a month just cause, and it would really fulfill what you need from him cause he’s a perfectionist like that.

Baekhyun. . .

This would be when you see the reliable side of Byunnie. He would be silent and let you talk, like Jongdae, showing you that you have his undivided attention. When you’re done, he would give you a gentle reassuring smile and either pull you in for a hug or rest a hand on yours, depending on the state you’re in, if it’s tears and sobs, then a hug. This new information would change his role in the relationship as well, before he was more childish, needing you to care for him, no matter your age difference, if you are younger, you still had to care for him. But now, again, despite the age difference, even if you’re older, he would become the caretaker in the relationship. He would feel like you needed some stress off your shoulders and needed a provider, so he would be come both your stress relief and your provider. He wouldn’t mind either, he’s a switch, he’s happy with being taken care of and caring, so this really wouldn’t change his happiness in the relationship. His new role as caretaker, protector and provider would definitely be something you notice.

Luhan. . .

He would become deadly silent, taking in everything new he’s just learned about you. Though this wouldn’t change the fact that he wants to be with you, but he would just be filled with anger, you’re the most precious thing in the world to him, and he’s always felt the need to protect you, so hearing this would bring out a new level of anger within him. He would ask angrily if the asshole was in jail, wanting some kind of punishment to come to the scum that hurt you. This would bring out a whole new level of protectiveness out of Luhan. He would keep you close out in public, and would even tell people close to him to be cautious around you just because he doesn’t want any painful memories to come back, you would need to assure him you’re fine and he doesn’t need to go to extremes.

Tao. . .

He would become overbearing. He’d ask questions, ask if you are okay now, is there anything that he does wrong? A sadness for you would overwhelm him and he would be on the verge of either snapping in anger or sadness, he wasn’t sure. He would try his hardest not to let this change how he interacted with you, but he can’t help it if at times another man gets close to you and he feels the need to step in and defend you. Though he would know its best not to let this new information change how he interacted with you, but your his girl, and he can’t help it at times.

Sehun. . .

He would react to this in a surprisingly mature way. He’d take in the information in silence, giving a few nods to show he understood, the only thing would be he wouldn’t touch you. This would be something he feels uncomfortable with, the situation is already so intense that he feels any physical contact would be too much for him to handle in the moment, so when you’re done he would bring out his blasé attitude and be like, “Well, this doesn’t change anything.” Get up and continue on with his day. Though, you would see changes in his attitude towards you, he’d still be a little shit, but less of a little shit. He would seem to start to show a sensitive and more affectionate side to you, even -- but very rarely -- in front of his Hyungs, which he would have never done before. He would also before bed tell you he loves you, telling you more than he would before, wanting to drill that into your head so you never have doubts, that no matter how much of a pain in the ass he can be, he loves you and you’re more than worthy of that love.

Kris. . .

Another mature reaction. He would ask all the needed questions, needing to know the person was put away and isn’t out there to hurt anyone else or you again. He would listen to you, holding you close asking questions when they need to be asked and kissing the top of your head when your voice thickens or comes out a little weak. He’d want to be your rock, be there to hold you together and be there when you just need someone by your side. He wouldn’t treat you dramatically different, however, he would try to be more in tune with you reactions to things and when your mood changes to he can be there. 

[specialchan]

I am a non-Muslim with questions about your faith and its history via /r/islam

I am a non-Muslim with questions about your faith and its history

I apologize, this is an extremely long post.

I’d like to start by saying I studied history in university so I am approaching this with a fully secular, historical viewpoint, and I do not have much personal experience with Muslims or Islam in general, as there were simply no Muslims in my community growing up. I may unintentionally be a typical American with little exposure to other cultures. Please forgive me if something I say goes against your faith or makes you feel uncomfortable. Though I’d be greatly appreciative if you still answered my questions despite those feelings. (American Muslims, please chime in however you wish, as you are the ones I am most likely to meet. I would like your input on what topics to avoid and what kinds of things are okay to ask.)

I’d also like to add that my parents are Christian and I did go to church every week growing up, but now consider myself an agnostic atheist (agnostic in that I don’t think there’s any way to determine which god, if any, exists or what role they play in the universe, and atheist in that I do not subscribe to any particular religion.) I simply try to be a good person in my own way by examining various faiths and schools of philosophy to form my own worldview. (I ordered a free copy of the Quran from a website that gives them to non-Muslims, but it never came.) I never had much respect for Christianity until I started studying Roman history.

This is where I’m afraid I might say something that will offend someone. I’m very passionate about Roman history, which extends through the Eastern Roman (or Byzantine) Empire, which is so fully linked to Christianity and its various complexities and arguments that I had no choice but to learn a lot about these complexities as well as the history of the early Church, if I wanted to truly understand the Roman history I was reading. Learning about Rome has made me grow much more respect and appreciation for Christianity than I ever thought I would have, if only for its impact on the world, the way it changed Roman society, and because I find philosophy and theology interesting.

I’d also like to add that I’ve had similar conversations with a deeply Christian coworker of mine, and that went great. He said he did not feel disrespected and fully understood the angle I was approaching this from. I hope you can see the same.

Rome is the only civilization I feel this deep of a passion for, therefore I have not looked that thoroughly into other topics. However, Islam and the various Caliphates obviously have a very prominent role in the final 700 years or so of Rome’s existence, (Mehmet II named himself Kayser-i Rûm, Caesar of the Romans, and saw himself as continuing Roman civilization,) and so I’d like to learn more about it, preferably from a historical point of view at first rather than from the scriptures, if anyone is familiar. Though obviously both inputs are valuable and will help me to better understand the topic from both sides, which is why I asked my Christian coworker questions about his faith and beliefs, etc. The purpose of that conversation was to compare his beliefs with Byzantine beliefs to see how much they differed, and also to teach him about the civilization that made Christianity what it is. The purpose of these questions is to learn the same about Islam; how much belief has changed over time, if your beliefs line up with the older/original Muslims, and also just to become better informed myself so I can hopefully better inform others who may not be as open to learning these things.

So some questions I have are:

Is the Ottoman role in taking Constantinople talked about much? Celebrated?

How do you feel about the Byzantine Romans, if at all?

Is the history of Islam prominently taught, or do you tend to focus more on the religious side?

How do you feel about the various Caliphates? Why isn’t there one currently and do you think there should be at least one? Would it be in Saudi Arabia, as they control Mecca and Medina?

Is Sunni and Shia still a prominent split? Is the split so deep that either side has serious resentment for the other, as I have often seen in Christian schisms? Did it used to be that way but change over time? Do you associate with people of the other sect, and are there other sects? (I believe I have heard of an African sect that incorporates magic? Maybe Mali because they used to practice magic and had sorcerers on the field during battle. Perhaps it grew out of that?) Please provide a brief statement about how the sects differ in their beliefs.

Is Muhammad ever talked about much as a person and historical figure, or more solely on his role as Allah’s prophet? (I’m afraid to expand upon this one. I listen to a history podcast about the Byzantine Empire. The host has a premium for-sale episode on the origins of Islam, and from what I understand, some of the things he says and some of the ideas that secular historians have put out there about the potential “real” origins of Islam contrast heavily with your beliefs and traditional history. I’m genuinely afraid I will upset someone by repeating some of these ideas, but will do so if you all feel comfortable with it.)

Is the Muslim conquest of Sassanid Persia celebrated? (I will say that personally, I find their victories absolutely incredible. I could not believe that they toppled the whole thing so quickly.) Do you know much about Persia, and if so, do you notice any cultural holdovers from the Persian Empire?

How differently do you view Persia and Rome? From what I understand, later Muslim writers were confounded by Rome’s continued survival after they had defeated Persia so quickly, and I believe they had to come up with some kind of justification as to why Rome managed to survive the initial Muslim expansion. Does anyone know anything about this? (I apologize if this offended anyone, and would like to say that I am not 100% sure on everything after the question mark.)

Is it true that Islam views Christianity as polytheistic, because they worship three gods? (God, Jesus, Holy Spirit)

This is a more cultural shift than religious one, I think, and again, I apologize if it offends anyone or if I am misinformed, but it seems to be growing more common to view Christians and Jews as.. not quite enemies. Maybe just as Others, or as people not to be tolerated? I’m struggling to express this idea but the Caliphates generally respected People of the Book, correct? Treated differently than Muslims, yes, but allowed to openly discuss their beliefs and normally live out their lives without being specifically targeted for their beliefs (outside of said preferential treatment). Has this changed or am I completely wrong? I just see clips occasionally of imams or Muslim politicians demonizing People of the Book and I’m wondering how this happened. (Again, truly sorry if I offended you with this question. I am open to hearing your side.)

Is secular learning discouraged in any way?

I have heard that traditionally, it’s said that Islam was essentially birthed in an instant. That the initial followers of Islam perfectly understood the facets of their new religion almost immediately. Is this true? I find this interesting because no other religion in the world makes a claim like that one.

I understand that the Quran is written in a very unconventional way. That it goes in starts and fits, sometimes sentences have no endings, lines have no context, something is intentionally vague, etc. Is this right? How do you feel about that? Does the style of writing make it difficult to interpret what is being said?

What are Hadiths and how are they different to the Quran? Why do they need to be separate? Did god bestow the Quran while hadiths are Muhammad’s teachings?

Is Muhammad supposed to have written all of the hadiths? If I’m not mistaken, there is historical evidence that one of the early caliphs may have written most of them. (This is another question that I’m worried about offending someone.)

Is Arabic looked at as the holy language for Islam? Is it okay to translate it? For example, for several centuries it was taboo to translate the Bible into anything besides Latin or Greek, because those were the only holy languages to early Christians. It was a big deal when it was translated into Slavic, and then German centuries later. Was this feeling shared with the Quran? Were any languages besides Arabic okay? Is this still the feeling or has it changed, and if so, when did it change?

Lastly, this may only apply to Turks, but would anyone in Istanbul be offended if I went there and referred to it as Constantinople? Would it be uncomfortable of me to ask them about the Byzantines and Christianity while there? (I do wish to go there someday, as I’ve been to Rome and Ravenna, the capitals of the western Roman Empire, so I would love to visit the capital of the East and look upon the greatest city ever built.)

If you took the time to read all of that, thank you so much. And thanks in advance for your answers. If you have any questions for me or want me to clarify something, please let me know, and again, I apologize if I have offended anyone.

I hope everyone has a good day.

Ma’a as-salaama (I totally just looked this up and hope it comes across as respectful. Apologies if I used it wrong.)

Submitted September 09, 2020 at 04:41PM by LostGundyr via reddit https://ift.tt/3m6ReiX

[hopefulminty]

So, this post exists due to the perfect storm of insomnia, randomly realizing that I had posted on here 99 times (and should therefore do something different for the 100th post), and several of the topics covered below coming up in real life.

In other words, here is an author interview with myself.

Yes, that’s right. I’m actually asking myself a bunch of questions, answering them/TMI-ing all over the place, and posting the results on here.

Insomnia really does make me do weird things... 

Why are you called hopefulminty?

 My username comes from two usernames that I’ve used in the past. The hopeful part’s been around since I was in middle school. Two of my friends and I decided to dress up as hippies for Halloween one year. We called ourselves Faith, Charity, and Hope. I started using variations of the word ‘hope’ for various sites after that. The minty part started when I was in high school. I wasn’t feeling the name ‘hope’ one day, so I looked around the room until my eyes landed on a pack of gum. I said the word ‘minty’ out loud and the rest is history. I will answer online to Hope, Minty, or now Hopefulminty. Any of those are fine.

Who are you?

I don’t like to give out specifics about myself that I feel could be used to identify me. That’s one of the things that was drilled into my head when I was young and actually stuck, so I don’t use my real name online, give my location, etc, etc. (Though I do share stories online that are kind of unique, but I don’t think they could be used to identify me unless you happen to live in this area/know people I know.)

Basically, I’m female, American (east coast, that’s as specific as I’m going to be), somewhere on the ace/demi spectrum, and old enough that I think I’m pretty much a senior citizen in the DEH fandom.

Old enough that when I saw Alex Boniello’s tweet about having shirts that are older than Andrew Feldman, I very quickly thought about my wardrobe, did the math, and laughed because I have at least two t-shirts that I’ve had since I was in elementary school that actually are older than the child who is going to be playing Evan next.

Does that weird you out?

A little bit, but not really. It would if I actually pictured any of the actors while I’m writing. When I do visualize the characters, I picture the versions that solely exist in my head now and don’t particularly resemble anyone who has played the parts.

I will say that I hope for his sake that he’s more emotionally/mentally mature than I was at sixteen. I know there’s no way I could’ve handled being the lead in a popular Broadway show, even if I’d had the talent to pull it off.

Actually, I don’t think I could handle that now. I’d hate the attention and would probably crumble under the pressure.

Is it weird being an older fan?

Again, kind of, but not really. I’ve been in and out of different fandoms since I was old enough to know that they existed. (Eleven, I think?) There’ve been times when I’ve been really active, times when I’ve been a lurker, times when I’ve been on the outskirts and only occasionally popped into something. (Kind of like I am now with DEH, I think.)

I was pretty active in various Harry Potter RPGs when I was in high school. There were players of all different ages in those. The youngest ones were teens, like myself. The oldest players were in their 60s. I thought that was kind of awesome at the time and actually still do.

Should younger fans be wary of older fans?

This is one of the topics that have come up in my real life recently. My sister-in-law found out that my nephew’s on some kind of gaming board and has online friends who are significantly older than him.

I told her that from my experience I’d say it’s not someone’s age you have to be worried about, not if that’s literally the only thing making you pause. It’s not that people hit a certain age and automatically turn into creepers who should be pushed out of fandoms and not allowed to interact with younger fans at all.

Growing up, all my real life friends were super into various fandoms. We were always dragging each other to things and driving each other crazy by going on about our latest obsessions.

A lot of them have given up that part of their lives now. In some cases, they’ve moved on because they’ve had to, because things like work and school and ensuring that their basic needs are met are more important than writing fan fic and venting about annoying plot holes. In other cases, they’ve stopped because they feel like they should stop, because they feel like they’re too old for things they now see as childish.

Do they have a point? Possibly. I don’t really care enough to worry about that though.

I’d say as a general recommendation to fans of all ages, just be smart and safe and trust your instincts. Avoid people and situations that make you uncomfortable and report ones you think might be dangerous.

How long have you been writing?

Pretty much since I learned how to write. I’ve always liked making up stories. My dad loves to tell the story of how he realized that I have a vivid imagination. He says I was about three or four years old and had spent the entire day scouring the house for toys. I’m the Surprise Kid in my family (meaning that my siblings are all older and were totally out of the house by the time I was five), so there were a lot of random toys around when I was growing up.

After hearing me drag things down to the basement all day, my dad finally decided he should go see what I was up to. He went down there and (according to him) there were hundreds of dolls, stuffed animals, and action figures all over the place, arranged in what he could instantly tell was some kind of complicated pattern. He asked me what I was doing and I then proceeded to spend the next ninety minutes (again, according to him, so probably an exaggeration) telling him all about the crazy complicated world I’d created where each toy had a name, a family, and multiple friends/rivals.

When my mom got home that night, he told her they had to be careful because they were raising a creative child.

How long have you been writing fan fic?

Since middle school. The first fic I can remember writing was for the show JAG (another side effect of being the Surprise Kid, you spend a lot of time watching tv with your parents). It was terrible and I didn’t post it anywhere. (It was actually purposely terrible because I was annoyed about having to watch that show all the time.)

The first fics that I posted were about Harry Potter. I also posted a couple Buffy stories when I was in high school.

I haven’t posted a lot of stories because I have a really bad habit of abandoning things that I’m working on. So, I only post something if it’s done or I’m reasonably certain that I’m going to see it through until the end.

Where can your old stories be found?

Nowhere.

Nowhere online, that is. They’re possibly still on my old computer that’s now in my parents’ basement.

I took down everything I’d posted when I was a teenager years ago. I reached a point where I hated knowing that the stories were out there and made them disappear.

Though, actually, there may be an X-Files story out there somewhere that I co-wrote with my best friend when we were fourteen.

But probably not because I think she did a similar purge when we finished high school.

Which Hogwarts House are you in?

I’m a Huffleclaw/Ravenpuff. At eleven, I would’ve been sorted into Ravenclaw. Nowadays, I feel like I’m a combination of the two.

Which Harry Potter do you relate to the most?

Luna. Definitely Luna. Though, my best friend says I’m a really weird combination of Luna and Hermione.

How did you realize you’re asexual?

This is another topic that came up in real life recently because my friend’s cousin thinks she might be ace.

It’s also something I’ve talked about a lot because it’s pretty much the only high school story I have that I think could be a subplot in a YA movie/book. The character based on me would be the baby ace who was sort of mentored by the lead lesbian couple for a couple weeks.

I started feeling like I was different from my friends when I was in fourth grade. I didn’t get it at all when they started going on about having crushes and wanting boyfriends. Everyone told me that would change as I got older, but it never did.

By middle school, people started telling me that I must be gay since I didn’t have any interest in boys. Part of me could see their point, but I didn’t have any interest in girls either and, as far as I could tell, that was a pretty significant part of being gay.

In eighth grade, I went to the mall with two of my friends and we ended up sitting in the food court and people-watching. My one friend elbowed me, pointed to a boy our age, and asked if I thought he was cute. My response (which has become friend group legend, so this is exact) was, “Well, he doesn’t have any visible warts, so maybe?”

My other friend (who was proudly bisexual) then pointed to a girl sitting across from us and asked the same question. I stared at her for a minute before saying that I wondered what conditioner she used because her hair was so shiny.

My friends shook their heads at me and asked if that was really all I was thinking. They touched my arms and assured me they’d still love me if I was gay. 

Which was nice to hear and part of me wished that I thought I was gay because then I’d be something. The problem was that I really didn’t get how people developed crushes on other people. I didn’t get the idea of looking at someone and thinking they were attractive. I didn’t get the idea of wanting to be physical with another person. None of those things made sense to me at all.

The following year, I started going to a really conservative Christian high school. I mean, really conservative. Almost every teacher I had there mentioned at least once that we were doing God’s work when we voted for Republicans.

(In case you’re wondering, no, I wasn’t sent there as a form of punishment. The story of how I ended up there is really long/boring. Just know that my family doesn’t believe the majority of the things I was taught there.)

So, a few things about me:

1.      I’m a really socially/generally anxious, awkward, introverted person. I never shut up around my family and friends, but put me in a room of strangers and I freeze. This was especially true when I was a teenager. (I can almost appear to be “normal” now...)

2.      I’ve had the same basic friend group since elementary school, but none of them went to high school with me. So, I spent four years as an outsider. The tv episode I relate to the most is the episode of Gilmore Girls where Rory was called into the guidance counselor’s office because she liked to eat lunch by herself. That was me. Multiple times. Many, many times. They finally gave up when my mom told them that I had friends outside of school and that I come from a large, close-knit family (I have over 30 cousins, for starters) and I liked spending my lunches alone because they gave me a chance to recharge my internal battery.

3.      I’m pretty much the most non-confrontational person you’ll ever meet. I hate arguing with people and I hate being put on the spot, especially when I feel like I don’t have any allies. I’m so non-confrontational that I wouldn’t correct people when they mispronounced my name when I was a teenager. Which happened a lot because I have a pretty unique real name. I’m slightly better about that now. These days, I’ll correct someone once and then let it slide if they keep saying my name wrong. Unless I know they’re going to become a regular part of my life, then I go through the whole ‘let’s say it together’ thing until they get it right.

4.      I’m also the most “quietly stubborn” person you’ll ever meet. Pretty much everyone I know has called me that at least once. If I’m talking to someone about something that matters to me and I’m convinced I’m right, I will not back down no matter what. Which is the exact opposite of how I am 99% of the time. Usually, I’ll at the very least acknowledge that the other person has a point and try to change subjects. 

So, the point of all that is to show how it was a pretty big deal when I started speaking up in school about things I didn’t agree with. I spoke up when a teacher told the class that women were put on the earth to serve men. I spoke up when another teacher told us that Jewish people go to hell. And I spoke up when a teacher told us that it is impossible for gay people to go to heaven, but it is possible for serial killers to get in.

(The logic for that one being that gay people will never repent because they don’t think what they’re doing is wrong, but it’s possible for serial killers to eventually become remorseful and repent their sins.)

My fairly passionate, but extremely awkward, defense of gay people led my classmates to decide that I must be gay. Which soon meant that the entire school thought I must be gay.

This happened a few weeks before the end of my junior year. Up until that point, I’d managed to fly under the radar for the most part. People who were considered “different” really stood out at my school. Everyone knew who the seven Jewish kids were. Everyone knew which kids liked reading/watching fantasy books/movies because the teachers always cautioned them that things like Harry Potter could lead you astray. (I was in that group, but I was quiet about it. The worst thing that happened to me was that my Spanish teacher said she’d pray for me when she saw I was reading one of the Anita Blake books.)

And everyone knew the lesbian couple. Because there was only one. Because there were only two students in the entire school who were publicly out.

Even I knew who they were, which was semi-surprising because they were seniors and I spent most of my time outside class with my head down, my earbuds in, and my nose stuck in a book.

So, anyway, it didn’t take long for everyone to decide that I was our school’s third lesbian. People started coming up to me and saying they’d pray for me. The first time that happened, I blinked and, without thinking about it, told the girl I’d pray for her too. That seemed to annoy her, so that became my go-to response whenever someone approached me.

At the end of the day, a girl who was considered one of the school’s spiritual leaders asked me if I was sure I was gay because I seemed so nice. I started to say that I wasn’t, but stopped myself when the girl’s friend laughed and said that even I knew how shameful it was to be gay, that I’d just argued with the teacher because I wanted attention.

Which caused a dilemma for me. My sixteen-year-old, panicked, stressed out brain could only see two possible options. I could either pretend to be something that I was fairly certain I wasn’t or I could let those girls go around telling everyone that I, the great defender of gays, knew deep down that being gay was wrong.

So, I stammered that I hadn’t understood their question at first and that yeah, I really was gay.

I spent the next few days avoiding people as much as possible. I started waiting inside for my mom to pick me up at the end of the day instead of going outside with everyone else. On my third day of doing that, the lesbian couple approached me and asked if I knew who they were. I said I did and they said they’d heard I was having a rough week. 

They then asked me a series of questions. Some subtle, some direct. At the end of their interrogation, they exchanged a look and one of them said, “Oh, so you’re asexual then.”

Which is how I learned that asexuality is a thing. I went home and read up on it and was surprised to realize that there actually was a name for what I was. It was really exciting.

Sorry to disappoint, but the lesbians didn’t become my new best friends after that. They only had two more weeks of school at that point and we weren’t in any of the same classes. We didn’t even have the same lunch period. They always made it a point to say hi to me in the hall though and I think I’m still Facebook friends with them.

One day, about a week after they approached me, one of them came running up to me between classes to tell me that her girlfriend had done something stupid. 

Her girlfriend had told a guy who was being obnoxious that they had pulled me into their relationship and we were having all kinds of threesomes.

I didn’t know what to say to that. I think I turned a million shades of red and stuttered uncontrollably for a minute or two. I finally told her that I was okay with that. I said they could say whatever they wanted as long as they didn’t actually expect me to do any of the things they claimed I was doing.

That comment made her grin and say, “Spoken like a true asexual.”

Do you think asexual writers should be allowed to write about characters who aren’t asexual?

This is another question that came up recently. My least favorite brother-in-law loves to say he’s playing devil’s advocate before asking people really annoying/terrible questions. He asked me this one at Thanksgiving this year.

My response was simply that it’s stupid to try to tell people they can only write about characters like themselves. That doing that would make the entire fantasy genre go away and, hopefully, there wouldn’t be any novels about murderers.

Writers like to make up stories and develop characters and relationships. They try to put themselves in their character’s heads and express how they’re feeling.

For me, that sometimes means drawing from my own experiences, sometimes it means thinking about things I’ve seen/heard, and sometimes it means using my imagination to come up with a character’s reaction.

Am I successful at portraying romantic relationships? I really have no idea. I walked away when he asked me that because I’m the absolute worst judge of my own stories. I have a like/hate (never love/hate) relationship with everything I write. I’ll just say that I don’t think being on the ace spectrum should stop me from writing the stories I want to write.

How did you get into DEH?

Another side effect of being the Surprise Kid is that it gives your parents a lot of opportunities to teach you about their interests. My dad managed to get me into British tv shows and my mom successfully managed to pass her love of musicals onto me, though, for her, that love does not extend to DEH. She can’t stand the music from that show.

I got into it when I decided to watch clips from the Tonys on YouTube. I was blown away by ‘Waving Through a Window’ because that song seriously would’ve been my personal theme song if it had come out when I was in high school. So, naturally, I had to find out more about the show. 

I haven’t seen it live, but I have read the script and watched a bootleg. That got me into it enough that I started coming up with stories I wanted to write.

Which character do you relate to the most?

Evan, definitely. I was definitely the awkward, anxious kid in high school. I don’t think I would’ve ended up in the mess he did though...

Do you relate to any of your OCs?

Aunt Jamie is sort of like me, but I wouldn’t say she’s an author insert. I’m the youngest aunt in my family. (I don’t think any of my nieces/nephews think I’m particularly cool though.) I don’t like to be touched/hugged and usually pat people on the arm as a way of saying ‘hey I like you, you’re okay.’

The story about her suicide attempt in Sincerely, E is definitely not my story. I’m lucky enough to be able to say that I’ve never actually tried to kill myself.

Her story about being unpopular/having people make fun of her weight was sort of an exaggeration of mine. Again, I was lucky enough not to have it nearly as bad as she did.

What do you like about Evan/Connor?

I like putting them together because they’re both characters who desperately need someone who understands them. They’re alike in a lot of ways, but different in ways that make them fun to write. I like their relationship dynamic and the ways I make them interact.

Why do you keep writing Zoe/Jared?

I’ve come to see Zoe/Jared as my bastard ship. They’re the ship that I never plan to write, but somehow keep writing.

With Evan and Connor, I always think about how they’re going to get together this time, which tropes I plan to include, etc., etc.

With Zoe and Jared, I literally reach a point in the story where I blink at the screen and go ‘okay, so this is happening again...’

That said, I have come to like my bastard ship. They’re also fun to write.

Are they going to get together in BNK?

I don’t have any current plans to put them together. Which means probably.

Do you hate Zoe/Alana?

Not at all. I have no problem with the idea of them. I have no problem with giving Zoe a girlfriend or Jared a boyfriend. I also have no problem with letting characters stay single (which, to me, is a much more realistic portrayal of the high school experience).

Part of the problem with doing my weird blinders on, tunnel vision writing thing is that I haven’t really read other DEH stories. I didn’t realize Zoe/Alana was a thing until I started looking at summaries of other fics after I finished Sincerely, E.

I’ve briefly considered putting them together each time I start a new story, but now there’s the Tracy situation. And I do like Alana/Tracy. And somehow Zoe/Jared sneaks up on me every time.

So, you really don’t read other DEH stories?

I’ve tried to a couple times. I’ve even downloaded some of the completed ones to my Kindle in case I ever feel the need to read them when I’m out somewhere.

It just becomes a case of character overload for me if I try to read other people’s interpretations of the characters while I’m writing mine.

This particular writing quirk of mine actually used to cause problems for me with my RL friends when I wasn’t the only one writing fics. They’d get mad at me when I’d say I couldn’t read their stories because they were writing for the same fandom that I was writing for.

They’d also get mad when I’d say I hadn’t read their comments. The comment thing is another writing quirk of mine. I try to avoid them until I’m totally finished with a story or, at the very least, close enough to being finished that the thought of looking at the comments doesn’t weird me out.

I’m not always totally successful at that because I also have a weird thing about notifications. Meaning that I can’t stand them. So, if I see there’s a comment, I’ll literally hold my hand up to try to block the screen while I mark it as read. Which doesn’t always work as well as I’d like.

I did try once again to read the comments before starting BNK. I think I even said in the author’s note at the beginning of the story that I’d been binge-reading them. Which ended up meaning that I sort of clicked through my inbox and read about five random comments... Someday, I really will look at them all...

All of that doesn’t mean that I don’t appreciate comments/kudos though. It’s always amazing to see that people are reading and reacting to the things I write. I do check the stats page to see if the numbers are going up. If it ever became clear to me that absolutely no one was reading my stories anymore, then I’d stop posting them because I’d feel really awkward and wonder what’s the point of posting something that no one’s even bothering to open.

Are you going to keep writing DEH stories when you finish BNK?

Maybe? I don’t know at this point. I’m not even sure how much longer BNK will be. Judging from the length of my other stories, I’m probably around the halfway point and that currently sounds about right, given what I have planned.

I’ll keep writing about these characters as long as I have ideas for them and am having fun writing the stories. If I run out of ideas or writing these fics stops being fun and starts being a source of stress in my life, then I’ll stop.

Do you have any writing suggestions? How do you deal with writer’s block?

The best writing advice I can give is just to write. Write and then keep writing and then don’t stop writing.

I’ve often described myself over the years as a writer who doesn’t write. And that’s been the case many times for me.

I’ve been writing a ton this past year because the DEH characters have stuck with me and I keep coming up with weird ideas for them. Before that though, I’d gone at least a year without writing much of anything.

I write because I like writing and because it’s a major stress/anxiety reliever for me. I write because it entertains me and gives me something to focus on when I can’t sleep, which is pretty much every night. I often say that I feel like I get more done between 12 AM and 2 AM than some people do all day.

That said, I definitely struggle with writer’s block sometimes. The only thing that ever helps me with that is to walk away. Literally. I close my laptop and walk away from it. I make myself do something else. And then I keep making myself do other things until I’m either ready for bed or a solution to the problem I was struggling with pops into my head.

Almost every story-related idea that I’ve had has occurred to me while I’m doing something totally unrelated to my writing. While I’m not even thinking about it.

It’s really fun when that happens at work. I’ve had times where I’m on the phone, using my cheery customer service voice and being yelled at, and have suddenly come up with what I want Connor to say in the conversation that I was struggling with the night before. At least, I haven’t blurted out any random bits of dialogue yet...

Last question, since no online survey would be complete without this – dogs or cats? 

Guinea pigs. Though, personality-wise, I really would be such a crazy cat lady if I weren’t horribly allergic to them.

[tw1nki-blog1]

Indian Lesbian Scissoring

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