#''people with npd dont have issues with being in healthy relationships and are always the victims'' isn't a good perception of us either

[daffythefox]

i feel like people say "abuse is always intentional and a choice" because it helps them believe that they haven't and will never abuse someone so long as they believe abuse is wrong.

Do you think every abuser woke up and thought "today I will abuse someone on purpose"? Probably some of them, but not all. Some abusers genuinely think that abuse is just how relationships work. Sometimes kids abuse other kids before they grow up and realize what they did was fucked.

If you decide that abuse means "person intentionally abusing another", what about people who were abused by people who weren't intentionally abusing them? Is that not real abuse?

I'm not saying that you shouldn't be angry at your abuser. I think you should be angry at whoever you want to be angry at. But I think looking back at your actions and checking "was what I did okay? how did my actions impact the people I love?" is very important, especially for people with NPD, where having issues understanding how your actions impact others is a symptom.

Having NPD makes forming and maintaining healthy relationships way harder. I would know. It's also way harder to control emotional outbursts while you're having one (and emotional permanence issues mean once you stop having one, it's hard to imagine what it felt like).

Introspection about why you did the things you did, if/how you hurt someone you care about, trying to make it up to them, and minimizing the chances that it will happen again, are very important. In "npd abuse" spaces, this introspection is usually shut down by "well, if you think you might be a narcissist, you're not one". But I think this introspection can be very helpful, so long as the introspection doesn't begin and end with guilt/shame.

[aliengirl-97]

So maybe this was unclear cos I literally just come here to unload, but I guess the theme of my original post was this kinda I am sick of discourse being dominated by oh dont be mean to them they have PDs!

Like I get the line of thinking of you want ppl with NPD and ASPD to work on their interpersonal issues and learn to treat others fairly and thats great they should. Like you cant tell people with NPD and ASPD they're just always gonna be abusive cos then they may not work to improve, that determinism isnt good for them.

But why does every post have to be so infantalising of them? So oh let's not talk about the specific ways narcissists harm those around them because what about their feelings? It all feels very silencing survivors to me and I'm not here to pander to NPD feelings. It isnt about demonisation, its about I want to heal in peace AWAY from having to pander to narc feelings like I did my entire relationship.

If someone has NPD or ASPD they fundamemtaly dont know how to interact with others in a healthy way and if these disorders can be managed, great, but rarely do people with those disorders even seek help.

Im tired of it all.

Why is everyone like ‘nooo dont demonise npd and aspd’ like I’m not going to ‘demonise’ you but if you have true, actual, npd and aspd and it’s not some edgy larp, you’re going to behave in pretty toxic ways. I’m allowed to stay away from that. My ex had NPD and so did his dad and even when he ‘apologised’ to me, his apology was all about him, him wanting to still be a good person. Im sick of scrolling abuse tags and it being full of babying NPD and ASPD can I not heal from my trauma in peace?