#''i used to hate all mammals'' insane fucking thing to say

[totalswagisland]

macarthurs funny as hell because she's a ~19 year old woman who acts like a middle aged divorced truck driver and she says the most insane shit

[gothicprep]

the new statesman recently published dueling essays by richard dawkins and jacqueline rose. dawkins' essay is entitled "Why biological sex matters" and rose's is "The gender binary is false"

i'm not envious of rose's position here at all. dawkins, for all his issues, is a very clear science writer, which redounds to him being a better writer in general. but it's beyond frustrating to see someone defending a position i agree with with extremely low quality argumentation.

rose writes:

"What is a woman?” The formulation has the merit of suggesting that to be a woman, far from being obvious, is a question, and one susceptible to more than a single reply. This is encouraging at a time when the fight over the definition of what a woman is has taken on such virulence. Being a woman is at risk of becoming a protected category, as the binary man/woman hardens into place.

at risk... of becoming... a protected category... well, i have some news for you that you're not going to like. i'm not sure how it's evaded you for this long, but better late than never, huh?

i'm inferring here that rose is using it in a more colloquial sense than i'm reading this. but "protected category" has a very specific (and legal) definition so. i'm not sure why you'd verbalize your point this way. but even that colloquial usage doesn't work! rose is a feminist professor, and i'm sure she'd agree that women have to deal with some metric of vulnerability.

she continues:

This is happening even though it has always been a central goal of feminism to repudiate the very idea of womanhood, as a form of coercive control that means the end of freedom.

holy fuck, this is so stupid. or more fairly, this is highly debatable and it comes down to what she's talking about when she says "womanhood". and she never spells it out.

and. um. let's get to the "best" part...

In fact, the term “female”, as distinct from women, has its own tale. As the New York Magazine critic Andrea Long Chu has written in her book Females (2019), the biological category “female”, as it is understood today, was developed in the 19th century as a way of referring to black slaves. A female black slave was someone refused “the status of social and legal personhood”. To that extent, Chu observes, “a female has always been less than a person”. To assume that “female” is a neutral biological category is, therefore, historically naive and racially blind.

uh. alright. this isn't true. like at all. don't even get me started on andrea long chu dude. sure, she went to duke, but that doesn't exonerate her from being a bullshit artist. which she is. and from what i've read of her work, i seriously don't understand why she transitioned at all. in her mind, women are pretty much empty holes for the world to abuse. maybe she, like, hates herself and the "women are the lowest thing on earth, this is what i deserve" thing is an insane projection. who knows? you couldn't make me bother wanting to figure it out if you paid me.

but this also isn't an accurate reading of that part of chu's book either... this is what it actually says.

As far back as the 14th century, the word female was used to refer to women, with a particular emphasis on their childbearing capacity. But it arguably didn't acquire the technical sense of "a human mammal of the female sex" until the rise of the biological disciplines of the 19th century. In the United States, the man known as the father of gynecology, J. Marion Sims, built the field in the Antebellum South, operating on enslaved women in his backyard, often without anesthesia or, of course, consent. As C. Riley Snorton has recently documented, the distinction between biological females and women as a social category, far from a neutral scientific observation, developed precisely in order for the cap to block women from being recognized as female, making Sims' research applicable to his women patients in polite white society without being granted legal personhood. Sex was produced, in other words, precisely at the juncture that gender was denied. In this sense, a female has always been less than a person.

so, c riley snorton is a black trans scholar at uchicago. chu's referencing chapter 1 of his book called "Black on Both Sides: A Racial History of Trans Identity". i read that chapter, and i cannot for the life of me figure out where she got this idea that snorton is arguing that sims invented a new meaning for the term "female" for racist reasons or for any other reason. i don't speak theory, so maybe i missed it, but i think what's happening here is that jacqueline rose is misreading andrea long chu, who's misreading c rily snorton, who may very well be misreading j marion sims for all i know. snorton says in the introduction to his book, quote: "This is not a history per se, so much as it is a set of political propositions, theories of history, and writerly experiment." so there's that. and if you look up the etymology for the term female (which i did, i've gotten this far), it comes from the latin word for young woman or girl. so even in the 14th century, the term was applied to people.

this is just... laughable, honestly. is jacqueline rose going senile? are we human or are we dancer? i just wish people wouldn't throw up all this smoke to make these bullshit arguments. you can support trans rights without doing this shit.

[dangermousie]

2020 End of Year Post - cdrama edition

This is only going to cover cdramas that aired in 2020; if I had to make a post about all the cdramas I watched this year, I would still be doing it in three months...

Overall it’s been a fairly decent cdrama year (certainly better than the very lacklustre kdrama year.) It’s no miracle that 2019 was (so many excellent dramas!) but overall pretty solid.

DRAMAS WATCHED

(In order of liking from least to most as opposed to pure quality; I am including if I’ve seen enough to make up my mind; yes I realize that’s inaccurate, but that’s my list)

44 The Legend of Jing Yan - the worst cdrama I have seen this year, and possibly the worst drama of 2020, period. The hero and heroine were both uncharismatic, incapable of acting and saddled with such shrilly moronic characters, the only suspense was how they haven’t both perished long since from forgetting to breathe. Nor was anyone in the rest of the cast much better; the screenplay was written by a lower mammal and the cinematography was the best a third-rate wedding cinematographer could offer. Stay the HELL away from this one.

43 Unicorn Girl - the only unicorn about this bland yet irritating piece of pap was the fact that I was supposed to believe the leads are hockey players.

42 Autumn Cicada - I like spy stories, Allen Ren, and Republican Era settings. I can tune out Communist propaganda with the best of them. Yet, the propaganda ate the story to such a degree that there was nothing left; pre magic change Pinocchio was less wooden then this narrative.

41 You Complete Me - no you do not.

40 Skate into Love - the only positive thing I can say about this is that at least it’s better than Unicorn Girl, if for no other reason that only one of them is supposed to be a hockey player.

39 Irreplaceable Love - how do you make a story about fake siblings with a mad mother falling for each other boring? I don’t know, ask the makers of this.

38 Eternal Love Rain - I hate to rain on their parade, but these two actors cannot act, have about as much chemistry as a piece of bread, and are trapped in a story perfect for entertaining the mental abilities of the leads of Jin Yan.

37 For Married Doctoress - ummmm, you could do worse I guess. It only made me break out in mild hives. The sadistic ending did make me laugh though.

36 Dance of the Sky Empire - why you get Xu Kai and waste him in this insipid mess of a story is beyond me.

35 Love Designer - it’s inoffensive except to my sense of entertainment. There is nothing wrong with it but oh God is it bland.

34 Love a Lifetime - It felt like a lifetime watching this, but I didn’t love it. The story is incoherent, the actors have no chemistry and it’s all an epic waste of time.

33 Love is Sweet - so sweet it gave me diabetes. I like Luo Yunxi and Bai Lu, but there is literally no plot. I don’t need to sink into a plotless morass to watch pretty people engage in PG-rated make-outs. I am an adult with access to stronger stuff if I am thus inclined, though to be fair they could get x-rated and I still wouldn’t be able to sit through so many episodes of plotlessness for that.

32 Fake Princess - I love Zhao Yi Qin, but the guy needs to pick better projects. The female lead in this one has the voice and personality that can strip paint but the story is also doing nobody any favors.

31 The Changan Youth - I lost my brain checking this out. I had to go and read a dense treatise on medieval coinage or Mayan farming to try to recover it.

30 My Dear Destiny - kinda cheesy fun. It honestly shouldn’t be as low except it really feels like community theater.

29 Handsome Siblings - why is the Nic Tse version so good and this one so bad? True mystery for the ages. Chen Zhe Yuan is the sole reason this isn’t lower, because that kid tries SO HARD to make this drama bearable and almost succeeds. I can’t wait to see him in Sha Po Lang which actually will give him something to do.

28 In a Class of Her Own - see my comment on The Changan Youth. But at least Song Weilong is gorgeous to look at.

27 General’s Lady - inoffensive, pretty and so utterly pointless.

26 The Blooms at Ruyi Pavilion - those two leading actors are a no go to me but at least they considerately acted with each other instead of ruining two dramas for me. It’s very pretty though.

25 Jiu Liu Overlord - it’s a mess and I bailed, but I placed it this high merely due to the fact that Lai Yi finally gets a leading role and he’s sexy as fuck and I am shallow. Whoever styled Bai Lu should never work again except at a circus, however.

24 Cross Fire - not my genre and Luhan will always look too much like my cousin for comfort, but it’s a surprisingly gripping and dark drama. I liked it!

23 God of Lost Fantasy - if you want to watch a mediocre wuxia/xianxia, this is not a bad choice. Probably better than Legend of Fei actually, because at least it doesn’t have an A-list cast to waste and gives us Sheng Yilun himbo and shirtless.

22 Renascence - the insane cuts (it went from 70 eps to 36!!!) made a fairly cheesy story into a total mess. But I had a good time until I finally bailed mainly because of the male lead (Chen Zhe Yuan yet again carrying a not-good 2020 drama on his shoulders; the guy should be nicknamed Atlas) and the insane but in a fun way story. The female lead (both the character and the actress) were not up to par but oh well.

21 Legend of Fei - only this high because objectively there is nothing I disliked it. But there is nothing I liked either. The most uninspired drama on the list. If you could eat cardboard, this is what it would taste like.

20 Ever Night 2 - compared to EN1, it’s a waste of film. On its own merits, it’s not very good (the cast replacements are uniformly inferior and Dylan Wang is so wrong for Ning Que I cannot even put it into words; the script is useless.) But it had some parts I loved so very VERY much (all the shippy stuff was perfection) so I don’t feel too bitter.

19 Castle in the Sky 2 - a lovely if not too complex fairy tale. It is inferior to its prequel because it doesn’t have Zhang Ruo Yun who elevated it, but it’s still a solid bit of fun.

18 The Great Ruler - it’s very high fantasy, very pretty, and surprisingly involving.

17 (tie) Legend of Two Sisters in the Chaos - the secondary couple steals the show but the rest is not too bad if not too involving.

17 Legend of Awakening - a solid bit of fun with a seriously BDSM streak (theme this year apparently - but come on, the lead’s powers only activate when he’s in extreme pain!) It’s a bit generic and the costuming is done by a blind person, not to mention the OTP is a NOTP, but the rest of relationships (romantic and platonic) are wonderful (I live for the found siblings story in this one) and I like most of the characters.

16 Consummation - a rare modern cdrama I liked; a sweet coming of age story (and love story) even if wrapped in a pretty weird virtual reality concept.

15 Oops the King is in Love - this is how you do a low budget, sweet, silly piece of fluff. Our heroine pretends to be a eunuch and crosses paths with a powerless young king and they are adorable, even more so than the drama.

14 Song of Glory - pretty solid, though draggy and I didn’t love the toothpaste filter. But A+ cast, excellent leading couple chemistry, Li Qin being a BAMF and a leading man (Qin Hao) who is actually an adult.

13 And the Winner is love - objectively kind of a mess (and the heroine has the brainpower of a gnat), but the OTP chemistry is excellent and Luo Yunxi fighting and flirting with a fan as finally a leading man is worth the price of admission.

12 Miss S - snazzy and snappy and stylish and whatever else starts with S.

11 Eternal Love of Dream - I don’t know if it would work for you as well if you weren’t a hardcore shipper for this OTP in Three Lives but I was and this was such a darling, wonderful, shippy delight; plus I love this type of high fantasy.

10 (tie) Maiden Holmes - solid and sweet and a wonderful OTP. Proves that functional doesn’t have to mean boring. If you watch one cross-dressing drama this year make it this one.

10 Qin Dynasty Epic - srs bsns history epic. I am not far into it but it’s so good and smart and visually stunning (if you love battles, this one is for you.)

9 Love Lasts Two Minds - I adored this so much more than I should objectively have, but it’s so beautiful (and no I am not just referring to Alan Yu’s face) and the OTP has wonderful chemistry and the story is solid, and the whole trope of her memory being wiped but falling for him all over again while he’s constantly and utterly devoted is a fave; plus he’s in pain and semi-dyng for most of it so sluuuurp (happy ending, don’t worry)

8 To Love - yes, a modern drama is this high! But it involves intensity, tragedy, genuine adults and sexiness that is Lin Gengxin. And there is an actual plot and darkness OMG!

7 Legend of Xiao Chuo - so beautiful, so fun, so full of gorgeousness of Shawn Dou. Plus, Liao is a rare setting for a cdrama and there are a lot of characters and stories I liked a LOT. Less ship content than I wanted but more than I expected.

6 The Romance of Tiger and Rose - so so delightful. I was literally laughing out loud. I have no idea if it will work as well if one isn’t a seasoned watcher of period cdrama/reader of web novels, with bonus for watching/reading Goodbye My Princess, but it was a complete delight for me (and yes, I shipped for real, as well. Best of both worlds.)

5 Twisted Fate of Love - Jin Han gets a leading period drama role! And he’s enjoying it to the hilt, excellent as a smart, twisty bastard who is also charming and so madly in love with heroine. Sun Yi is beautiful and tough and her chemistry with JH is on fire, the story never drags, and it’s so twisty and fun and just awesome.

4 Love In Between - the most underrated drama on this list. It has no big names or big budget, but it’s wuxia that’s clever, driven, tragic, hopeful and so beautifully shot. Three separate (amazing) OTPs, a leading man who is so not typical (a doctor who cannot fight and who never acquires this ability) and who is intense and smart and damaged, a heroine who puts her quest ahead of her emotions, an unhealthy degree of involvement by yours truly. This is a drama Fei should have been.

3 Love and Redemption - such a lovely, addictive, utterly romantic fairy tale. I was obsessed with it for a reason. All the tropes you love and some you didn’t know you did, a star-crossed OTP to the nth power (and a secondary OTP I hardcore love), a twisty yet coherent plot, some insane chemistry and so much whump and hurt/comfort they must have bought blood packets in bulk.

2 Go Ahead - yes, I can’t believe it either. A contemporary slice of life cdrama made it this high on my list. But the way it feels so real, the found family perfection, the characters I love and loathe, the perfect cherry of a wonderful OTP that hits my narrative kinks on top, and just a perfect storm of loveliness all around with this one.

1 The Wolf - is that any surprise to anyone who’s checked out this tumblr for the last couple of months? Tragic, intense and gorgeous; so romantic and angsty and passionate it made me lose my mind (though some of it was gone the moment the camera panned to Darren Wang) - all my favorite tropes and then some; this is a drama that may not be perfect but it is 100% and then beyond perfect for ME.

FAVORITE DRAMA

The Wolf - I have seen objectively better cdramas; even this year. But it has been literal years since I have been this hardcore obsessed, this utterly pleased, this emotionally catered to and devastated at once. A beautiful dark fairy tale that manages to own me despite the storytelling gaps due to censorship, it took me for one of the biggest emotional roller coaster rides of my drama watching career. Visually gorgeous, poetic, intense, and so romantic it took my breath away, this is not just my favorite cdrama of 2020, it’s my favorite drama this year period, and the one cdrama this year to make it into my permanent Top 10 cdramas list.

WORST DRAMA

Legend of Jin Yan - see my write up for it for why as I refuse to waste more time on this stupid mess.

FAVORITE MALE CHARACTER

Wolfie, The Wolf - he is such a haunted, tormented, complex, dark mess; loving and violent, severely damaged and with a hidden yearning softness, longing and aloof. And the amount of charisma and sheer masculine sex appeal Darren Wang brings to the role is insane and not something I see much of in a cdrama. Plus, that character arc with its rapid fall and slow painful redemption is A++++

Runner Up:  Sifeng, Love and Redemption - has a male lead ever loved more utterly and selflessly, suffered more thoroughly and beautifully, and managed to have such chemistry with both his leading lady and his leading man (that his leading lady temporarily turned into) at once? The answer is no.

Almost made the cut - Feng Xi, Twisted Fate of Love, Han Shuo, The Romance of Tiger and Rose, Qing Ci, Love in Between.

FAVORITE FEMALE CHARACTER

Xiao Qian, The Romance of Tiger and Rose - so funny, so much the reason this drama was such a delight. I adore her beyond words.

NEEDS TO BE MURDERED

Murder Daddy, The Wolf - I am sad the censors robbed us of seeing him die on screen. He was fully human but nonetheless managed to be the worst monster in a drama full of literal ones.

Ling Xiao’s Mom, Go Ahead - I hate her so much I don’t want to look up her name. She abused the kid, the disappeared and came back to abuse him some more. I mean she literally gave her child mental health issues. She is the WORST.

FAVORITE SHIP

Xing’er x Wolfie, The Wolf - are you kidding me? Who else could it ever be for me? They destroyed each other and saved each other, sworn enemies and childhood lovers, soulmates and epic messes, they couldn’t live with or without each other. The longing, the passion, the intensity, the angst, the epicness. LIKE THERE ARE NO WORDS!!!!

FAVORITE SECONDARY OTP

Si Yuan, Shen Manqing, Love in Between - I loved them as much and often more than the main OTP. So much angst and passion and a happy ending! She is a seeming sect darling (except the sect is horrible and also sexist so her only worth is as a marriage candidate) and he’s an information broker who is actually one of the members of a destroyed sect that’s blamed for the massacre of her family. That chemistry and yearning is insane. The scene where she touches his face when he’s unconscious was in serious running for my favorite scene of 2020.

NOTP

Legend of Awakening - I have never seen a couple that didn’t just have no chemistry but exhibited actual revulsion towards each other before watching Chen Feiyu and Cheng Xiao try to act as lovers in this one. It was almost entertaining to be honest.

FAVORITE SCENE

It’s a tie and both are from The Wolf. One is a sequence where Wolfie marches to the walls alone, seeking death at Xing’er’s hands and the whole sequence with the battle and rescue follows. The other is the intercut between Xing’er going to her wedding and Wolfie going to his execution, and the auto-da-fe being intercut with her wedding.

BIGGEST CRUSH

Wolfie, The Wolf - Ummm have you seen this tumblr lately, it’s basically a drool shrine to the man.

BEST SCENE STEALER CHARACTER

Yelü Yansage, The Legend of Xiao Chuo - I have loved this actor since The Myth and he continued to competently steal every scene he was in.

NEEDS A SEQUEL

To Love - come out of the coma, dammit!!!!!!!

NEEDS A DIRECTOR’S CUT

The Wolf - duh. It started out as 59 eps and got cut to 49. I reaiize some stuff is never gonna get put in due to censorship, but some of the stuff that got cut got for time reasons because they were deluded and hoping to get a TV broadcast so ep count had to be under 50. I mean I doubt the censors would care if they kept scenes of Wolfie building her a swing or whatever. I really really want a director’s cut the way Goodbye My Princess did even if like with GMP it’s only three extra eps. Hell, I will take extra three minutes, as long as those three minutes are Darren Wang shirtless or with a sword. Ahem.

NEEDS SCISSORS TAKEN TO IT

The Song of Glory - it’s a fairly solid drama but honestly it didn’t need to be as long as it was and kind of got draggy and I got lost interest. (I could have gotten snarky and said all the dramas I didn’t like needed scissors taken to them in their entirety but decided to play nice.)

TOO MANY SCISSORS TAKEN TO IT

There are a number of dramas I could complain about with regard to this (hi there, darling The Wolf!) but this award goes to Renascence - poor Renascence was never going to be a masterpiece, but it had the potential to be a bit of good cheesy fun until it had its run time cut by more than half and became an incoherent piece of insanity.

TROPE THAT NEEDS TO DIE

Dumb shrill innocent heroine who can’t tie her shoes - see basically all the cdramas I didn’t like this year.

FAVORITE TROPE WE’VE SEEN A LOT OF

Male lead torture - I mean it’s always open season on that in cdramas, but between Love and Redemption, The Wolf, Love Lasts Two Minds, Love in Between and so on, it was a banner year!

BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT

Legend of Fei - what a waste of that cast; what a waste of our finite time on this Earth. What a waste of my intelligence to hope for something better and stick with it for a dozen eps. I have had stale wonderbread that had more personality than this drama.There is absolutely nothing that stands out about this drama in any way,  from half-dimensional characters, to actors who are sleepwalking, to a plot that moves at the speed of an arthritic snail, to uninspired cinematography and direction, to lack of any chemistry between anyone in the cast. If paint-by-numbers was done by a group of particularly linear robots, it might come across the same way as this drama.

BIGGEST GOOD SURPRISE

The Wolf - honestly, I did not expect it to come out AT ALL EVER let alone to become my favorite drama of 2020. I was not familiar with the leading man (hahah), I liked Li Qin but wasn’t yet obsessed with her, and Xiao Zhan was excellent in The Untamed but I was hardly going to follow him from drama to drama (and I don’t do SLS any way.) And the trailer was enjoyable but unlike seemingly everyone, I didn’t think it was going to be some epic masterpiece. And then it came out and while it wasn’t objectively an epic masterpiece, it pulled out all the favorite tropes, shippy and narrative kinks from the deepest darkest recesses of my id. And I fell harder than I have in years. 

2020 DRAMAS I HAVEN’T SEEN THAT I MOST WANT TO WATCH

None. Covid Year gave me PLENTY of time

BEST NON-2020 DRAMA I’VE WATCHED IN 2020

Novoland Eagle Flag and Joy of Life - they are in my Top 10 dramas from anywhere now. They are quite different except being smart and giving me protagonists to obsess over.

ETA: Also The Untamed because @idlewilds3 pointed out I actually watched it in 2020 even though I didn’t think so because this hellyear has lasted about three decades.

MOST ANTICIPATED IN 2021

I am gonna limit it to dozen and leaving out ones that aren’t necesarily supposed to air next year (Joy of Life 2, Love in Flames of War, Novoland Princess from Plateau.)

Monarch Industry, Novoland Pearl Eclipse, Silk Washing Stream, Dream of Changan, Sword Snow Stride, Wu Xing Shi Jia, Ancient Love Poetry, Immortality, The Long Ballad, Mirror Twin Cities, The Imperial Age, Fall In Love

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

Psycho Analysis: Huey Emmerich

(WARNING! This analysis contains SPOILERS!)

The Metal Gear franchise is known for its hammy and despicable villains, villains with complicated schemes, giant robots, and awesome boss battles. But what if I told you that, out of all the villains in the series, the most disgusting, vile, reprehensible, and cruel one had the same face and voice as the kindest man in the series.

Huey Emmerich is, in short, a piece of shit. There is absolutely nothing redeeming about this worthless  ass. This may seem a bit shocking if you’ve only played Peace Walker, where he seems little more than a clone of his son Otacon, or Metal Gear Solid 2, where he is mentioned as having committed suicide after catching his wife taking advantage of Otacon. But play through The Phantom Pain, and you’ll soon see that Huey is perhaps the most morally reprehensible monster in the entire game, and maybe the entire franchise.

And you will absolutely, without a doubt, love to hate him.

Motivation/Goals: Huey is motivated by one thing and one thing only: cowardice. He sells out Big Boss to Cipher to for a job offer and then lies out his ass to Venom, Ocelot, and Kaz when they eventually come and get him. Huey is just always in it for himself, and is perfectly willing to screw over any person who gets in the way of his research; even back in Peace Walker, he was strangely happy about cheerfully being able to continue developing WMDs for Big Boss and company after betraying his (admittedly crappy) former boss Hot Coldman, and after that he abandoned his wife to die for daring to hide their child Hal away from him before he could use the kid as a living battery in Metal Gear Sahelanthropus.

And while being a megalomaniac is nothing new for A villain in this franchise, Huey takes it to the next level by never once accepting any responsibility. He constantly shifts blame onto others, denies doing anything bad ever, and lies, lies, and lies to the point of insanity. At one point he straight up continues to insist his wife Strangelove committed suicide even when irrefutable evidence was shown that he left her to die inside the Mammal Pod. The man is a pathetic, nasty little weasel through and through, and his complete and utter lack of honor just makes him stand out as reprehensible even when compared to an absolute lunatic like Skull Face or even a violent brute like Eli (AKA Liquid Snake).

Performance: Christopher Randolph, the actor for Hal, somehow manages to turn everything good, sweet, and heroic about Snake’s best pal Otacon and turn it on its head for Huey. Huey has the same voice and the same face as his son, but his actions and deeds show that, no, this man is absolutely nothing like his son, and is in fact the very antithesis of who Otacon is. Props to Randolph for using the same voice we’ve come to know and love and delivering a performance so twisted that even if it is the same voice, there is absolutely no way you would ever confuse Huey dialogue for Otacon dialogue.

Final Fate: The best part about Huey is that he is constantly, constantly getting his ass handed to him. In The Phantom Pain, after he unleashes a virus onto Mother Base which forces Venom to put down some of his own soldiers, with Huey blaming him all the while, Huey is put on trial and found guilty, because… of course he is. Literally the only person who believes Huey is innocent is Huey himself, and that is because he outright rejects reality and all of the evidence against him. Venom casts him adrift on a dinky life boat, one that begins leaking and causes Huey to ditch his precious robotic legs to the sea, turning him into little more than a miserable cripple once again.

But if you thought that Huey would go out in any other way other than making the world a more miserable, bitter place, you’d be wrong. Years later, he discovers his second wife having an affair – that is to say, statutory raping – his son, Otacon. Rather than being a good father and trying to do anything about this sexual abuse of his child, Huey decides to do the world a favor and kill himself… but unfortunately, he drags his stepdaughter Emma along with him, causing her to nearly drown and giving her a crippling fear of water as a result.

And when you first play Metal Gear Solid 2, this seems like an awful, depressing tragedy… but after playing The Phantom Pain, it becomes abundantly clear that Huey’s suicide was one final, spiteful act., and Emma nearly dying was almost certainly on purpose. His final act in life was to try and spite his own son and the woman who was abusing his son by taking away the person they loved most in the world. He saw his own son as having cuckolded him and took his son’s sexual abuse as a blow to his own masculinity, and so went out of his way to hurt and traumatize him in the only way he knew how: by dragging innocent people down with him. Huey Emmerich couldn’t even kill himself without ruining everything.

Best Scene: Pick a scene where Huey is abused or forced to face consequences, be it Hot Coldman or Skull Face pushing him down the stairs and causing him to piss himself, Ocelot torturing him brutally, or Venom banishing him from Mother Base and sending him back to the world to be revealed as a fraud, and you’ve got yourself a good time. The sound of Huey suffering is music to the ears.

Best Quote: I think the quote that truly defines how much of a despicable two-faced hypocrite Huey is  would be the vicious verbal berating he gives you as you kill the Diamond Dogs infected with the parasite that he released. He berates Venom for doing this despite being fully to blame for the situation. It is the culmination of this snivelling little bastard’s arc, and he’s only revealed to be worse from there.

Final Thoughts & Score: Huey is perhaps the ultimate hate sink in all of fiction. There is absolutely nothing likable about the guy; he’s a pathetic coward, he constantly lies, he’s an utter prick to everyone around him, and he causes untold amounts of suffering all while whining and crying about how it’s totally not his fault! He commits atrocity after atrocity, heinous act after heinous act, and spreads so much misery, and he does it all without ever once looking cool or intimidating like just about every other villain in the franchise. You’d think this would make him the bottom of the barrel and a terrible character… but it does the opposite.

Huey serves as a dark contrast to his own son and helps to highlight how much of a better man Otacon is. Both came from similar backgrounds and both have similar roles, with both developing Metal Gears and befriending a Snake. The difference, though, is that Hal has a moral courage that allows him to own up to his mistakes, accept responsibility for his actions, and dedicate himself to doing better. The man is so utterly selfless that he basically blames himself for his stepmother raping him; Hal is beyond humble, to an almost martyr-like degree, and truly lives up to the ideals of The Boss more than anyone in the series. His mother would be so proud of that. Meanwhile, Huey lacks that, and as shown throughout The Phantom Pain, his lies eventually pile up to the point where even he can’t escape the truth, and he suffers for it. Huey is a cautionary look at what would have happened if Hal didn’t have the spine to stand up for what was right and own up to his mistake, and this is nowhere more evident than Hal having a long-lasting relationship with Snake that went until the day he died whereas Huey was cut out of the life of Venom with extreme prejudice after Huey again and again stabbed his so-called friends in the back.

But aside from this wonderful contrast, I think how awful Huey is becomes more acceptable because he constantly, constantly suffers for it. The man gets constantly put through the wringer for his lies and schemes, and is despised and treated like garbage by Ocelot and Kaz. His own wife even hated him and considered Hal her kid with The Boss more than with him. Huey’s own moral failings catch up with him, and while it doesn’t lessen how evil it is, it does give you a sense of catharsis when that son of a bitch gets kicked, literally or otherwise.

Huey gets a 10/10. No, I’m not exaggerating. He isn’t the most impressive villain in the franchise. He’s not flashy, or hammy, or over-the-top and exciting. Huey is a very real, very miserable type of person who is cowardly, self-serving, and loathsome, and it is just so much fun to watch him suffer for his own sins. He is the epitome of “love to hate” villains; it’s just such a blast to despise this man and attribute everything awful to him, even if it isn’t really his fault. He’s a dark deconstruction of the lovable coward, he’s an utterly evil reprehensible bastard, and I hate him oh so very much… but it’s the kind of hate that I’m happy to have.

Fuck you, Huey.

[of-wrens-and-whirlwinds-blog]

How Do Dragons Flirt?

Commission for the beauteous @ikeracity​ !!! A Cherik fic including dragon talk! I hope you like it, friend! Commission info is here!

~

Charles was reading another book about dragons.

Erik checked and re-checked that there was no one around, then walked over and asked, “May I sit here?”

Charles looked up, blinking. The entire student lounge was empty, and he had claimed the saggiest, oldest, shittiest couch that everyone hated. But Erik needed to get close for this.

“Ah—sure,” Charles said finally, and moved his enormous backpack. Erik sat in the corner furthest away from Charles. There was close, and there was too close; sharing a couch was on the edge of too close. He nevertheless turned a little, and asked Charles bluntly, “What’s that book about?”

A slow flush of shame filled Charles’ face, and he looked down, fiddling with the edges of the heavy paper. There seemed to be quite a few full-color illustrations as well as fancy script. “It’s… um… it’s about dragons,” he mumbled.

Erik bit the inside of his cheek, cursing at himself for already fucking up. He tried to make it better by saying, “Like contemporary ones or mythological?”

The flush deepened, and Charles looked away. “Mythological,” he answered softly.

Erik bit harder, cursed more viciously, and asked, “Can you tell me about that book?”

Charles’ head whipped around, and he stared at Erik with naked shock. Erik’s face went pink this time. “I like dragons too,” he explained, “But I don’t know any good books on them.”

The slow, brilliant smile that spread across Charles’ face was so beautiful that Erik was almost breathless. It really brought home how very fake his normal smiles were.

“Well… what books are you looking for?” Charles temporized, slowly relaxing and turning towards Erik. Maybe it wasn’t even a conscious decision. “There’s quite a difference between books about pop culture and books about dry medieval mythos.”

“I already have a basic grounding of pop culture,” Erik said, thinking back on the past three days of reading absolutely everything he could get his hands on. “Read a lot of essays. But I don’t know much about ancient depictions and writings.”

“Well, you are in for a treat,” Charles replied with something close to unholy glee.

Charles didn’t just like dragons, and he wasn’t just well-read. He was obsessed. Apparently his son was autistic (how the hell did baby-faced Charles have a child?) and his special interest was mythological creatures; Charles had started out just reading to him, and buying him books and watching videos. But then Charles had latched on to dragons, so while his son David researched griffins, Charles collected more and more material on fire-breathing lizards. It wasn’t as bad as his obsession with genetics and biology, but as Charles rambled on and on excitedly, Erik began to realize why people didn’t like listening.

But they were wrong. Because he’d heard so often that Charles was “boring”, but no one had ever mentioned how beautiful he was when he was excited. His eyes were wide and bright, his smile was the same, and his entire face came alive in a way it never did in class debates. He gestured emphatically and his voice got stronger and he looked so relieved.

Not to say Erik wasn’t listening. He was impressed by Charles’ knowledge, and the challenger in him wanted to learn just as much and more. So he listened, and asked questions, and soaked up Charles’ words like a sponge. He even got out his phone and noted all of the books Charles referenced and where to find them, and which sources they used. Charles was only too happy to add to the list.

By the time lights-out rolled around, Charles was hoarse and Erik was in a daze from the immense wave of talking that had just been aimed at him. He didn’t regret it. He found, to his own amusement, that he had enjoyed listening. But, well, he was already in love with Charles. No harm in enjoying his happiness.

They went to the stairs, silently. As they reached the landing where they split ways, Erik asked suddenly, “Can I sit with you at lunch tomorrow? I can probably dig up the essays I read, and we can compare.”

How could anyone think Charles was less than gorgeous when he was happy? “I’d like that,” he said simply.

~

So it became their Thing. If Erik was angry and wanted to be distracted, he sought out Charles. If Charles was upset in any way and needed to calm down, he went to Erik. They laughed together (when they were alone) about how it was great that, when either or both of them wanted to be alone, they just had to find each other and talk about dragons, and other people would avoid them.

Erik was labeled a martyr and insane for putting up with Charles, but he brushed it off, and in fact snapped at several people who acted like he was “brave” for “trying to be his friend”. There was no trying involved. As soon as they had found common ground, they had become friends. Natural arrogance, similar tastes, and true respect had made a friendship that Erik craved.

And it was fun talking to Charles. Even when conversation veered and they ended up debating politics or queer rights or which pizza chain made the best food (Erik insisted it was Pizza Hut, Charles refused to let go of Dominoes), it always came back to dragons, naturally, easily. Dragons as metaphors. Dragon stories as direct replies to various events in history. Dragons and their place in the human psyche.

It was only natural, really, to spend an evening talking about all the various descriptions of dragon mating behaviors. Erik was of the opinion that basing a dragon’s mating rituals on mammals was an insult to lizards and bats; Charles laughed and said if humans stuck to the mating rituals of lizards and bats, no one would find dragons romantic or powerful. They eventually agreed that birds were a good compromise, since they both detested birds.

Then things started… happening.

Erik immediately linked them to Charles. Gifts of food left at his door. Pretty rocks slipped into his backpack. Beautiful feathers tucked between the pages of his latest book on dragons that he was borrowing from Charles.

And then there was the nesting. The first time Erik visited Charles’ house, they ended up curled in a mess of pillows, cushions, blankets, and sheets, doing something Erik had never expected himself to be comfortable with: cuddling.

Charles’ son, David, was visiting. He was nonverbal, but knew a lot of sign-language; and since Charles had been teaching Erik, he was able to convey to David that he was a friend and he liked mythological creatures too. David looked at him somberly with his big blue eyes, then nodded and sat on a cushion a foot away from Charles, who beamed at his son with so much love that Erik’s heart ached.

But cuddling in a nest, watching movies together, sharing popcorn… it made Erik nervous, but excited. Was Charles flirting? Was this how flirting worked?

He decided to try some himself.

He bought Charles CDs because the silly man wouldn’t upgrade to a digital library, because birds sang to potential mates, didn’t they? Erik also tentatively offered to watch Dirty Dancing with Charles, because birds dance but he couldn’t, and the delight on Charles’ face was worth the fact that Erik disliked most of the movie.

He was stumped on pretty gifts, though. He didn’t have a lot of income, and Charles could afford literally anything he wanted. So Erik bought a ton of jump rings, a spool of wire, those little pliers jewelry-makers used, and pretty beads, and started making things for Charles.

The first thing he gave Charles was one of those bead-lizards, except he made wings to match. Charles almost cried, and hugged Erik so tight, which was… a nice feeling, surprisingly. Then Erik fussed and fiddled and managed to make three differently-sized hamsa, which Charles immediately hung by his front door, on his backpack, and in his room. David demanded a hamsa of his own, so Erik made a child-sized one and gave it to him for his birthday. David was so excited that he ran in circles, flapping his arms, and then shook Erik’s hand heartily. Erik actually found himself smiling.

Charles kissed his cheek so briefly before he left that night. It made him dizzy and warm, a feeling that lasted all the way back to his dorm.

They never talked about it. Not unless continued, hesitant mentions of dragon mating rituals counted.

~

It was a year after Erik had first approached Charles about dragons when he met Raven.

“Erik, this is my sister, Raven,” Charles said, beaming. “Raven, this is my friend Erik.”

“Nice to meet you,” Raven said neutrally with a lukewarm smile.

Erik nodded. “Likewise,” he said stiffly.

Charles was used to Erik by now, and was apparently used to Raven, because he didn’t seem upset by this standoff. If anything, he brightened further, and told Raven, “He likes dragons too.”

“Yeah, you told me,” Raven replied, taking Charles’ hand and squeezing gently. Then she turned back to Erik, narrowed her eyes, and asked, “What’re your intentions towards my brother?”

“Raven!” Charles gasped, immediately turning red with embarrassment. Erik was also pink, to his surprise.

“He’s my friend,” Erik said firmly.

“Then why are you flirting with him?”

Erik’s face got even warmer. “I… was not aware that I was,” he muttered, eyes glancing around to make sure no one was near.

“Hmph.” Raven turned back to a befuddled and sad—no, no, why was he sad—Charles. “He’s into you, dumbass.”

Erik looked at the ground, unable to hide how very red he was. Charles knew him now. He would know what his expression meant.

“Oh, hush, Raven,” Charles snapped, actually sounding angry. “You don’t know that.”

“Whatever. Did you want to get drinks or no?”

So the three of them went to get drunk. Erik was nervous about that; he was an angry drunk. But if he kept to a low amount of alcohol, he should be fine.

Raven and Charles were so hard-headed it made Erik a little afraid. Raven did eventually fall asleep on Charles’ shoulder, but she never acted drunk other than that; and Charles chattered on with his usual enthusiasm, his speech not slurred in the slightest. Erik was feeling a little woozy after maybe two beers and three shots of tequila.

“Do you like me?” Charles asked suddenly.

“Huh?” Erik said.

“Do you like me?” Charles repeated, looking very sharp and sober. “Raven said you did.”

“Well...” Erik rubbed the back of his neck, staring at the table. But, knowing that they would both forget in the morning, he felt safe in blurting, “Well, yes. I just… didn’t want to bring it up.”

“Why not?”

“Because… it felt weird. I like being your friend too much.”

There was a silence. Then Charles reached over and put his hand over Erik’s. “I like you too,” he said softly.

~

It was definitely mating rituals.

And Erik didn’t mind at all. Nothing really changed, except they started kissing in private, and then they got bold and kissed while drunk and in front of Charles’ friends, and after that it was just natural to hold hands and sit side-by-side and kiss each other on the cheeks or forehead. It was so natural that Erik forgot their reputations, and was honestly surprised the first time someone invited Charles to a party and asked Erik separately if he’d like to come.

Charles asked David if it was okay that Charles and Erik wanted to be boyfriends. David thought about it, and said his first sentence in six years: “Yes, because he makes you happy.”

“Thank you so much, Davey,” Charles said, smiling broadly with tears in his eyes. Erik felt a weight lift off his shoulders, too; so David wouldn’t mind Erik visiting more often.

Or moving in. Which Erik did, eventually. Because it was only natural. Dragons move in with their mates too, after all.

[gofancyninjaworld]

OPM Manga Chapter 116 Review: Holding Out for a Hero

Thoughts

You probably know what I’m going to talk about but first, a moment of levity.   It’s definite: Flashy Flash has a face that he only pulls when someone calls him on his crap.  I love this face of his and his subsequent refusal to actually own up to being wrong. It’s so him. 

The face of a man not actually willing to concede to being wrong

Anyway, let’s leave him and Saitama running round in circles deep underground and move to where the action is actually happening. 

In my review of Chapter 111, my one wish in the tags was that the support heroes left safely.   Alas, my wish was not granted.

What went wrong?  Well, it looks like the support heroes reprioritised their mission.  From Chapter 93, there was no question about what was more important -- bring the hostage BACK.  

No ambiguity about what was important

It’s reiterated in Chapter 111, both when Sekingal asks Child Emperor if the latter doesn’t want to retreat now that the main objective has been achieved and when Child Emperor insists that the support heroes stick to their mission. 

But the support heroes are heroes first, which means that they’re individualists with a strong sense of responsibility and a weak sense of obedience to someone’s say-so.

And so they paused to mop up the escaping monsters and seal the exits (seeing Gearsper using both dowsing rods and a pendulum to pinpoint them is super neat -- normally that’s pure hokum, but in the hands of an actual psychic, they’re legitimate tools) before falling back.    Alas, it looks like either Sekingal has no command presence to insist on immediate retreat or he’s gotten caught up in the mood of the moment.

This is seriously one of the cutest panels this chapter

And then it was too late.

Murata brings across so well what a cat looks like from the perspective of the birds, mammals and amphibians beset by one (please keep cats indoors, thanks).  Sneaky. Unexpected movements.  Terrifyingly long, sharp claws.  Too many teeth. Cruel. Persistent.  We have here a monster cat that can bat heroes around like mice and layers sapience and malice on top. 

A face fit for any horror story. Keep your cats inside, folks.  Wildlife will thank you.

I really hate seeing the support heroes torn up so. Sekingal passing Waganma to Food Battler to escape with was an excellent moment -- good, good, you might make a hero yet man, but you need to live first -- but it’s a small bright spot in what has been one of the most ghastly chapters to date.  In particular, I don’t care what bullshit needs to be pulled, but One-Shotter better not die.  To see them all work together and yet be utterly helpless in the face of an enemy far too powerful for them is a grim foreshadowing of yet another confrontation to come.   

why are you bleeding was the most chilling and economical demonstration of Nyan’s power for me -- the monster taking them down with so little fanfare it took them a few seconds to notice

Paradoxically, it’s precisely because Nyan is a cat that the support heroes have any chance. Until he gets his claws on Waganma and rips him apart in front of the helpless heroes, they get to live.     

Can someone come save them first?   

It’s not looking too good.

This better not turn out to be foreshadowing

Meta: Where are all the heroes?

We’re used to the idea by now that no matter what, the support heroes (and even that brat Waganma) won’t die because if nothing else, some hero will show up at the precise moment when all hope appears to be lost.

But where are those heroes? 

Isn’t there a white knight upon a fiery steed? Or a black one -- we’re not racist

Well, we know that there’s no point in anyone less powerful than a Class S hero show up: they’re just more toys for the cat.   That leaves us with slim pickings as most of the Class S heroes (and Saitama) are deep underground, many locked in mortal combat. 

Of those outside, we know that neither Blast nor Metal Knight will lift a finger to help.  Watchdogman won’t come -- Q City or bust, baby.   Metal Bat and Tank Top Master are both incapacitated at present.  

In decreasing order, the following might turn up to intervene:

Genos: he’s in the right place, and should be heading out soon regardless 

Drive Knight: he’s supposedly lurking around here somewhere. If he’s still mobile and battle-ready, his intervention would be most welcome

Sonic: he was planning to visit Saitama after all.  If he takes on Nyan, it’ll be a case of accidentally doing a good deed. 

The Council of Swordmasters finally make their move.  Left-field and unlikely but would be super awesome.

Or no one comes.  That is also possible. 

Place your bets, folks. 

Edit: 

Eh, fuck it. I’m gonna speculate.   So what I think of the various options

If Genos shows up to this, he will have to find some way to prevail.  Like the G-4 robot, there’s no Saitama to back him up if things don’t go his way. Dr Kuseno won’t be telling him not to worry about losing this time, for he will be dead. Nyan may dislike fights, but a wounded cat is a ferocious beast. To say that this would be a liminal moment, the thinnest possible of lines drawn between can’t and can, is an understatement.  Can he?  As he was at this point in the webcomic, no chance. But this is not the webcomic. In the manga, Genos has gained so much more fighting experience (and equipment) in the last few days, it’s incredible. He’s dealt with super-fast enemies. Cunning enemies. Erratically-moving enemies. Hacky-stabby-slashy ones.  Bitey ones. Super-skilful adaptive ones. Insanely strong ones. Even regenerating ones -- and Nyan is guaranteed to have nine lives.  This monster is all those things rolled into one.  In a draconic package.  Can Genos put everything together -- experience, insight, mental preparedness, physical ability -- into one beautifully deadly package?  And become the hero the rest of the cadre have to tag team because otherwise they’re afraid he’ll kill them too?  I have hopes, but I don’t dare bet on them.  Oh yes, one other good thing about his coming -- he’s someone who has been very serious about actually saving people. I’m sure he’ll look to get a drone to airlift One-Shotter out if no one else. 

Drive Knight is quite the unknown quantity.  We know he’s got to be powerful given his place at S-Class Rank 9, but he’s been so secretive even the Hero Data book is no help.  If he’s been lying completely doggo, then we should see exactly what his tactical transformations are good for -- a cautious, clever fighter should be a total treat.  On the other hand, if he’s been masquerading as G-5, then his tactical transformations are busted and he’ll be at a severe disadvantage against Nyan.  In that case, will he put his life on the line and help anyway?

Sonic lacks the offensive power to kill Nyan, but he can so completely frustrate the beast that it forgets about the heroes it planned to torment long enough for them to make good their escape.  And then we’ll get to see Sonic leave disgruntled at having missed Saitama.  Don’t you dare call him a hero or else. 

Council of Sword Masters.  Now that’s a forlorn hope.  They promised to participate, but the chances of their barging into a hot battlefield in the wake of the heroes (or vermin controllers as they like to call them) is extremely slim.   Still, it would be excellent if they did and show us just why they’re called Sword Masters.

Please no.  I’d quit if no one showed up -- it’s precisely because death is rare that I can afford to invest emotionally in the characters.

[seabloodeda]

I think the fact that they state that the person Namor was the closest to out of all the people he was with in WW2 was Randall the field medic says a lot about him and does feel in line with the elements of his character that haven’t been altered by time.  I’m exceedingly interested in hopefully learning more about Randall as a person and seeing what he was like back then and with Namor (and tommy if they give us that). There are some elements of the current story I’m iffy with to say the least ( the constant various implications that Namor is insane and/or possessed being the main one ) but it also feels like Namor’s plight, the constant tragedy gets put through and the what is essentially genocide porn of his people the Marvel just loves to do constantly because they can’t think of anything else than to massacre the nonhumans again is finally being acknowledged in universe for something even remotely close to what it is. Which lemme just say is some massive progress from the hellscape we’ve been in on that front.  There are still things in the whole premise of this story arc I have problems with all the way from it’s start in Avengers #8. Like the fact that the Avengers send a team and that team in particular, lead by t’challa -- who rules the nation he was just at war at and massacred his people without even declaring they were at war first, tony -- who notoriously has absolutely no respect for namor or his people and namor has never gotten on with, Jen!Hulk -- another person he’s not on good terms with who as Namor points out is a fucking gamma disaster. they brought a gamma radiation disaster into the fucking oceans. they thought that was a good idea.  And what really gets me SO HEATED about this is that Atlantis is is a sovereign nation recognized by and apart of the UN. The ROXXON men are 1) employed by one of the most well known shady oil companies in all of 616 who Namor has had conflicts with before, 2) CURRENTLY IN THE PROCESS OF WHALING WHICH IS A REAL CRIME and when you consider that cetaceans are the closest intelligent mammals to atlanteans and their historically close relationship it’s even MORE HEINOUS-- it’s a DOUBLE CRIME and to top it off 3) The ROXXON men killed his people on his oceans aka on/in atlantean territory. Literally all of the crimes those men committed was in his country.  Namor has legitimate legal standing and rights to imprison and try those men and yes very likely execute them. Whether he can or cannot, or if they should be tried in their home country should have been settled through diplomatic and legal channels not via a super strike force of people who don’t even respect him, his people, his authority or his culture and mock him the entire time and treat him like a villain even though he’s not and he has valid legal claims in this situation. Like, it just makes it so clear that mankind and the super community does not respect or care about the altanteans as a people and I hate all of it so much. Namor is a king of not just a country but a species and 9 times out of 10 people treat him like he’s some water themed villain --yes even when he’s a hero.  --And I’m gonna stop here because I meant for this to be like a 2 paragraph thing but unsurprisingly this is a deep seated problem I have with Marvel’s treatment of the Namorverse.

[ecotone99]

[SF] A World of Wonder and Terror

So, this is my first story, and I am excited to share this. Part 2 will come out when I feel like making it.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Part 1

"What was the harm in going back to the past and changing a few things?" My teacher gave me a stern look.

"Now listen here,James Erwin,messing with the past is dangerous because it could alter the future in drastic ways. Stepping on a single dragonfly in the wilderness could make humans be slaves to reptile men." My class started giggling at that part.

"And are you sure these reptile men aren't hot? I mean,if they are,then I would gladly be enslaved to them." The class roared in laughter! It was usually my thing.

"James Erwin,get those images of hot reptile anime things out of your head! This is serious!" The bell started to ring.

"Class dismissed. Remember tomorrow we will be using the Time Machines,so be prepared."

I got to my dorm around 3 in the afternoon. My homework was pretty easy,just calculating the distance between two points. At seven my three roomates arrived. Two were in my class and about to go into the Time Machine.

Helen is in my class and is always the first to laugh at my jokes. She gets really nervous around me for some reason. Whenever she sees my face,she looks the other way and starts twiddling with her long hair.

Carl is the other one in my class and we call him “Emo to the Extremo.” He believes that total anarchy is the only way humans can be satisfied. Ironically enough,he is under 18.

Jonathan is in another class and have already used the Time Machines. He is cautious and doesn’t believe that humans should try to change the past. He believes Time Travel is a tool that should be heavily guarded and regulated. I say he hates having fun together.

“So James,about to jack off to some vampire anime girls.” Jonathan also is a big prick. “Which are you gonna look at tonight,the Ts or the As?” Helen looks like she is going to run back to her room.

“Johno,can you please go back to your stash of 1990s celebrities. I think that MC Hammer needs a listen to.” He hates when people call him Johno.

“You can listen and admire culture all you want,but one day you will die unfulfilled because you wasted your life with it.” Carl’s head sank low onto his body.

“Listen,Carl,just lighten up,will ya?” I tried to get Carl to pick his head up.

“No,anarchy is the only way to be fulfilled.” Carl ran into his room. I thought it was getting late and I went to bed too.

The next day I woke up and was out the door in a jiffy. I arrived at class just in time to hear the precautions for the Time Machine.

“Now remember,stay on the blue path. It makes sure you can’t disturb anything and nothing can disturb you. And remember,don’t kill anything. It could alter the present and cause drastic changes.” I readied my suit and was getting with my group of Helen and Carl.

The doors to the Machine opened and we walked through. There was a flash of pure white,and then we saw it.The trees towered over the skyline,the giant reptilian dinosaurs ran through,and it was literally a blast to the past.

Now,I am a very playful individual,and I do like to mess around with things. So,me being me,I tried to pretend to disturb something. and I stretched my foot over the edge of the blue path.

“Hey look Carl,I’m going to make sure Communism becomes the only economic system.” Carl faced me with a stern look. Helen just kept silent. “Hey Helen,look at me,I’m about to make sure that we get enslaved by hot reptile people.” She cracked a smile and let out a chuckle.

I started to put more than my foot over the edge. Soon an arm,and then two arms,then I lent over,then suddenly,I fell into the Jungle. I picked my head up and started to find the path. It was high up in the trees. Luckily,there was a downed branch near the pathway. I started running toward it,and I hear something squeal. I accidentally stepped on a mouse.

It’s a stupid mouse.I thought,What harm could it do? I got back to the path and was helped up by Carl and Helen.

“You stupid idiot. We could get expelled because of you.” Carl was worried. Helen seemed to sink more into the background.

The Time Machine made a whistle sound,meaning that it was about to go back. We rushed to the Machine as fast we could.

I am so getting expelled for this. I thought. I really was,because I knew that when I walk through that machine,my teacher would send me to the principal and I would be expelled. I would be expelled over a mouse!

The White in our eyes came back,but something felt different. I realized that when the whiteness cleared. It was nighttime,which was odd because on our watches it said 3:50. Then I looked at the period and saw it was AM.

Shoot. I thought. We spent so much time in their that it’s nighttime. I then looked around and to my suprise,the school wasn’t there.

“Did we travel to the wrong time when we got out of there?” Helen and Carl both shook their heads.

“I don’t know where the hell we just arrived,but it’s given me the creeps.” Carl looked frightened.

“Really,Mr. Anarchy is the only way humans can be fulfilled.”

“Screw you,James. If it wasn’t for you,we’d be home right now!” I started to pound the shit out of Carl.

“Guys,stop fighting. Please stop.” Helen seemed to have tears in her eyes.

“So you can talk.” Helen looked away so soon as I said that.

“Ahahahahahaha.” We all heard the creepy laughter. We looked up and we saw dozens of pillars. There was a vampire woman on one of the pillars in a relieving outfit looking down at us. “Oh don’t stop now,I was just starting to enjoy it. Besides,the fun is only about to start.” She raised her hands up and chanted something. Zombies came up from the ground with filming cameras. The Vampire lady stood in front of the Camera that was in front of us.

“Welcome,ladies and gentleman,to the spectacular program tonight. I’m your world famous host Aliza,and welcome to Non-monster Extravaganza. Tonight,we have three lucky contestants to be on this show on this lovely afternoon.” The zombie crewmen put collars on each of us. “If you haven’t seen an episode of our show before,let me explain the rules. The contestants have to face on challenges that involve humiliation,going insane,and even self-mutilation. If one of them passes all three challenges,they are allowed to be in the overworld and not be subjected back to the underground. If a contestant refuses,they will be shocked by the collar until they decided to continue or die. If a contestant fails,they will get a one-way ticket to my personal dungeon where they will become my living slave for all eternity. Now that’s out of the way,let us begin.”

She stepped away from the camera and started the first challenge.

“Each Non-monster will have to now survive being naked in public for two whole days,and never putting anything on to reveal their bodies. The monsters in public have been advised to not kill the Non-monsters as they complete the challenge. This challenge will take place in the most populated monster city,New Gahi.” We were transported there in an instant. “The challenge starts now!” Our clothes are gone and Monsters were everywhere. They all looked like hot people,like hot werewolves,hot mermaids in the big pools of water around the city,and hot vampires,like Aliza.

The monsters had either started to look away,shield their child’s eyes,or had taken a liking to our bare bodies.

“If you want to talk to each other,that’s alright. It isn’t against the rules.” Aliza seemed to be watching over us.

“James,” Carl whispered to me, “What the actual fuck did you do to have us end up like this?”

“All I did was step on a mouse,that’s it.” I thought about it and it realized something is wrong. How could stepping on a mouse mess up humanity that bad? Then,I knew that the answer was watching over me like a bird over its prey.

“Excuse me,Aliza.” She looked in my direction. “Can you please tell me about the origins of the Monsters and Non-monsters? My parents never told me about it.”

She thought about it for some time and decided on an answer.

“Alright,since you have nothing better to do,i’ll tell you.” Zombie Camera men appeared everywhere with remote controls in their hands.

“It started a long time ago,we evolved from little mammals like mice and rats,and we became what we call humanity. Some of us though,became what we know as monsters. We could enslave,control,and live off the non-monsters. This happened because of a mutation that became commonplace because there wasn’t enough non-mutated genes to go about. A side effect,though,was that it made us not able to handle the sun,so we didn’t go out much. Today, our best scientists have blocked out the sun entirely through clouds.

“We tried to keep our distance from the Non-monsters as best we could,but they wanted everything. Our mutation made us more humble than the Non-monsters. They were a sub-race of us monsters,and they wanted all the land for themselves. We sealed them underground with a magic barrier that is impenetrable from their side. Even though they couldn’t get out,we could get in. We sometimes ask for humans for their blood,their bodies,or for my game show. You just happened to be lucky enough not to be one of the blood givers. And buddy,you should be glad that I even host this show. Otherwise,” Her pupils seemed to disappear into nothing. “You would be bowing at my feet for mercy.”

I stopped at that point. I sat down and began to rest. I waited the two days out while Helen just cried and Carl mumbled to himself.

“Congrats,Non-monsters,you completed the challenge! Now for the second,” Instead of our clothes,though,we had straight jackets. “Survive a week in solitary confinement.”

We were then transported to a cell with no windows or door. I looked around and heard Aliza’a voice.

“See you in a week,Non-monsters. Ta Ta.” I sat down in my cell and decided to fall asleep. I was tired of trying to not embarrass myself in front of those monsters. I fell asleep,woke up,and went back to bed. I kept doing this until I saw something out of the corner of my eye. I was pretty sure it was a rat of some kind. I went over to it and tried to look at it more. Then it started to become distorted and grow.

What the hell is happening? I thought to myself. The rat grew into a human. I looked at them and saw that it was Helen. Her hair was covering her face though.

“Helen,where did you learn to shapeshift?” I pulled back her hair and screamed as I saw that it was the face of a spider. I heard voices in my head,and they all were saying different things that didn’t make sense.

“Kill the spare!”

“The curtains are really on fire!”

“Let's go play with the knife!”

“Dad,I want to try to break the human!”

I’m going insane.I thought. I really was,and I hid under the bed. I tried to drown out the voices,but they couldn’t get out. The room started spinning,the walls began to melt,and I saw horrid things. These things I can not describe,they would make the sanest person go mad. They were with me until this nightmare is over.

This lasted until god knows when. It felt like ages until I heard Aliza’a voice.

“Congrats to all Non-monsters,you all made it.” The room started to slow down,the walls came back,and the voices stopped.

I was then teleported into a room with Carl and Helen. Helen was in a fetal position and on the floor crying,while Carl was holding on to the walls trying not to throw up.

Aliza walked into the room and made us look her way.

“Well done,Non-monsters. You made it past the second challenge. Most people don’t last that long.”

“Well most people would not want to even do that you sadistic Dracula’s daughter wannabe!” Carl was visibly shaking and was almost a deep shade of green.

“Oh don’t say that,at least I didn’t make you saw off your arms or legs like last season. Besides,I am a relative of this ‘Dracula’ you sepak of. He was my great-great-great-great-grandfather.” Carl looked scared along with looking like he was going to vomit his insides out.

“Now,the last challenge is going to be personal,literally. We will scan your brain for your greatest fears,and we are going to manifest them in every possible way. The only way to beat the challenge is to conquer your fear.” Three different chairs with helmets attached to the tops came out of the darkness. Aliza swinged her arm in the direction of the chairs and we flew into them. The helmets seemed to instantly attach to our heads. Metal rings popped up and held us in place.

“Now get ready,” Aliza swiftly raised a button of some sort. “To be Scanned!”

The chairs made a whirring sound and a light started emitting from the helmets. Then,there was a sharp pain that went through my entire body. This lasted for about five minutes until the chair deactivated. We got up from our chairs and fell to the ground.

“Wonderful,absolutely wonderful.” Aliza was now facing the camera. “Let us begin the challenges.” She snapped her fingers and I was transported to a room with nothing. It was so dark I couldn’t see my hand in front of my face. I don’t know how,but I heard Aliza’s voice coming from somewhere.

“James,your challenge,” Aliza appeared right in front of me.

Jesus,she’s hot. I kept thinking to myself.

Aliza’s eyes went from normal to almost reptilian in an instant. Her teeth went to fangs,her skin became pale as a ghost,and her tongue slithered out of her mouth. Veins seemed to pop out of her body.

“Is to survive me!”

I heard her laughter and she teleported right in front of me. I ran away to the right,and saw a door. I opened the door to see dungeons crawling with spiders.

Fuck, I thought as I ran through what seemed to be endless hallway. That stupid thing was accurate.

I came to a three-way crossroads.

I can lose her here. I was certain she couldn’t go all directions at once.

“Where are you going,darling?” Aliza seemed to be following me. “Don’t you want to succumb to a fabulous movie star like me?”

I sprinted to the right,hoping she didn’t know where I was going. The walls started to have more spiders on them,until they were crawling everywhere. Webs started to become larger,until I was completely caught in the web. I heard giant footsteps,and I saw a giant hairy spider leg come out of the darkness.

Crap, I thought. I really need to get out of here. I started to run to the other side until I heard Aliza coming toward me.

“Come here,mommy is thirsty.” I went over my opinions and decided that I would rather run toward the giant spider then have my blood be sucked out by a hot vampire. I grabbed pieces of the web and was ripping it off of me. The giant spider was horrific when it came into view. I just managed to move again when I first saw it. The hairy body and disgusting face unnerved me to the point where I just ran under it without looking up. I ran until I came at another crossroads,but these only went left and straight. I looked around until a recognized something from the other crossroads.

These are the same ones,but because I stopped the spiders,the path is gone. The thought had been creeping up on me when I first went down the hallway,but I didn’t think it would actually happen.

I went left because I would just keep running when I finished this challenge. I went in here,and I saw what I thought to be something of my nightmares.

There was an unsteady bridge that was being held up by wooden poles that could be called sticks,and on the bottom were snakes that looked like they wanted to make me their dinner.

I put my foot down on the steps,and the planks started to crack.

End of Part 1

submitted by /u/ShotLiterature [link] [comments] via Blogger http://bit.ly/2H90CPt

[1upmushrooms]

The First Rebel Chapter 2 (1up Deadfic)

Chapter 2: Traveling into a new age.

The warehouse, I thought Wario hated that place. He said it was too old and dusty for him. That's why he moved into the abandoned clubhouse in central part of the city, at least I think that's why he moved. Anyway, from looking on the gas meter, the car's almost empty. We'll never be able to get there tonight without running out, plus I'm too tired to give a shit about anything right now so we out to sleep in a hotel for the night.

The Rebel patted on Wario's shoulder as he said, "Pull over". Wario turned to a parking area and stopped on a dime.

"What?"

"We should stay at a hotel tonight,"

"Why?"

"We're almost out of gas; we'll never make it there before we completely run out. Besides it's a long drive to the next gas station if we go now, I say we stay here."

"Ok, but I still don't see why we can't just refill and get out of-"

"BECAUSE I'M TIRED AND I WANT TO SLEEP IN A REAL BED, JESUS CHRIST!"

Wario flinched and drove to nearest hotel as fast he could. "Don Pianta's Casino and Hotel", a huge giant building that took up most of the left side of the street was a good choice. It looked really nice with its heavy use of neon, and had unique structure, the fact that it was next to a gas station certainly helped. After parking the car Wario got out and entered the hotel lobby, leaving the Rebel to sleep. He tried closing his eyes in order to descend into another world but that was ruined by the tapping on the window.

After Wario opened the back doors and got out the extra clothes, he threw a pair at the Rebel in order to make it even. After a couple of minutes walking on stairs, they were finally at their room as they ditched they're prison uniforms and lay on the beds. Wario turned on the TV as he fixed his pillow a bit and relaxed. He turned a couple channels until he stopped at a channel which showed low budgeted action movies. The sound of people shooting each other was amusing for a while especially since the actors were terrible but eventually the Rebel gave up and turned the channel. Wario wanted to object but he was tuned out by the Rebel's snores.

With a grunt that accepted defeat, Wario slept, probably dreaming of a decapitation scene. When the morning came, he was the first to wake up. Sleeping in that bed really did wonders for him, his back was better since it no longer rested on solid ground and he felt better too. After making his bed as best as he could, Wario turned on the TV and, after seeing that nothing good was on changed it to the news channel,

"Be on the lookout for two escaped nutcases who just last night, had entered the central part of the city. They are known to be very conniving, very dangerous and more insane than a retarded mammal. Here is what they look like."

Then, pictures of him and the Rebel came up as the Newscaster explained in more detail.

"Oh for the love of-"

The TV was turned off in less than a second as he shoved the Rebel out of the bed.

"Come on, we got to get out of here."

"Why, did you screw something up?" He said with a smirk,

"No, the news warned the public about us."

That woke him up.

"What?!"

"Just saw it a couple minutes ago; the whole city knows we're criminals now."

"Well don't panic yet, just 'cause they know we're here doesn't mean-"

"They showed our pictures on the news as well."

"Ugh! Well what do we do?"

Wario simply pondered, trying to get his brain to work for once, finally an idea formed.

"Barely anyone watches the news anymore; the true way news is spread here is by gossip. That means we have some time to get out of here before the authorities hunts for us. Let's just get out of here silently and quickly!"

"Gotcha,"

The Rebel then began making a rather complicated plan when Wario grew annoyed of this and threw a chair at the window, following a expression from the Rebel that screamed What the hell?!

"You weren't fast enough."

After collecting everything, the duo got out of their rooms by climbing down a bed sheet tied into a knot. In a mere second or two, they got in the car and drove to the gas station. There was no messing around as they had a time limit, the scariest part being that they didn't know when it ended. As soon as they payed for the gas, they sighed in relief as they fled east.

Well, we're off to the ware house, where Wario's wife Mona and their son are going to be. Wario said she fixed up the place. All I really know right now however, are two things. One, we're going to be far away from the central part of the city, which in a way is good, because that's where all the cops are. However, the second thing I know is that I got to be very careful around Wario's wife, Mona. Anything can set her off, clothes, attitudes, food, certain kinds of alcohol, anything.

During the drive, a question suddenly appeared in the Rebel's subconscious.

"Who's all gonna be there?"

"Just Mona and the kid."

Pure surprise crowded the Rebel's face.

"You mean, you and her-"

"Heh, heh, does that shock you?"

"No, I just thought you weren't interested in-"

"He's an accident."

A minute long pause surrounded the car as the Rebel muttered,

"Well, obviously."

And boom, the car stopped at a very run down place in a very run down town named "Petals-Burg". It was obvious the warehouse hadn't been used in years. The Rebel got out of the car and just stood there waiting for Wario to make his move. Walking up to the warehouse, Wario simply knocked. As the door slowly opened, Mona became more apparent. Her red hair didn't exactly mix with her black suit well but if you told her that she'd just say I never wanted it match anyway.

"Well," She said with a certain look of disgust, "You're out."

"Yep."

"That's all you're going to say?!"

"Well, what do you want, a cookie? Let us in already."

"Oh I see! You impregnate me, belittle me, push me around, abandon me and the kid for a long time even before you get arrested, and after all that you expect me to welcome you with open arms and just let you enter?!"

"Well I do own the damn place."

"Creep!" Mona said with disgust,

Wario approached her still either with great courage or great stupidity. After a minute or so, they both smirked at each other and an aggressive but passionate kiss followed suit. As their lips let go, Wario said,

"Let's go," and walked right through the doors.

The Rebel got the supplies out of the car and walked through, stopping to greet Mona, but only moving faster when she hissed at him. The main centre of the warehouse was actually quite huge, if it wasn't for a couple of rusted cars still around and the fact that many of the so called "rooms" they'd be staying in were mainly for storage; this would've made for a decent home.

He stopped at one office that he quite liked, it was average, had a decent sleeping area, a desk, two cabinets, a place to his supplies and a little TV on the desk. What wasn't to like? After his stuff jumped to the floor, the Rebel sat at the desk and turned the TV on. Since the TV had no remote, he had to press the little odd buttons to get around. There were thousands of shows on, but the Rebel just put it on the news.

"And now for today's special announcement from one of the king's noble knights Koopa," The Newscaster said in a monotone voice,

Royal knight? But Koopa's an advisor isn't he?

The TV cut to a very busy public area in the middle of the town square. The King was there, sitting on a rather expensive looking chair while sporting a I really wish I could just out of here expression on his face. His red hair looked quite faded though that could have been because of the TV.

It didn't matter anyway as Koopa was the important one here, he was on the podium, waving people, wearing an obvious plastered on smile, and waiting to begin his speach. His hair was as usual tidy and clean, with that little taint of blonde color to it while his eyes were looking at everything, probably looking for the reporters. After a couple of seconds, Koopa raised his hands as the audience finally quieted down.

"Ladies and gentlemen, first I'd like to say thanks for coming here, in order to save time I'll get right to the point. For a while now, there have been certain rumors of a secret weapon we've supposedly worked on for the past 3 decades. It was said that this so called weapon was designed to mutate it's victims into thin air, that it was mobile and that it would have the power to annihilate this entire city. Well, I say this is clear proof that you don't trust the fucking tabloids."

A small laugh emerged as Koopa continued,

"However, I'm here to put these rumors in their place and tell you the truth. Yes, we've been working on a secret project. However it's best not think of it as a weapon but more as a step into the new age."

Much to the crowd's confusion Koopa pressed on, clearly getting into his speech.

"Many of you've heard of evolution right? Constantly changing, upgrading or downgrading-heh-during the ages of time. Well, what if I said we've found a way to somehow figure out the physics of evolution and have created a machine to perform the notion itself?"

Everyone started getting interested as Koopa continued onward.

"Imagine, sitting on a comfortable seat, thinking normal thoughts when a bright light comes at you. It takes 4 minutes but it feels like 10 seconds. Then, after you wake up you feel like a new person. What do you mean you say? Well just think of the possibilities! Clearer vision, better strength, stronger skin, there's no end to the many things that'll evolve!"

A reporter said, "Like?"

"Well think about it! Vaccines will no longer be needed! Minor injuries will heal in seconds! We may be able to lift many heavy objects we couldn't before because of our strength!"

The crowd was now hooked as Koopa who hadn't lost a breath said,

"Any other questions?"

One arm shot up, "Koopa, when we be able to experience this amazing piece of technology?"

"Well you see we're still working on some bugs. During several tests we've found that the machine would only evolve minor things like a sense of vocabulary, eye sight, but not the entire specimen. Exactly what the machine would evolve is a mystery as well since out of all the test subjects we used, not one subjects had the same results. So after we've fixed these problems we'll reveal it to the public and history will be made."

Another arm shot up,

"Yes."

"Sir, you've said this machine could evolve subjects. But, have you ever thought of including a function that could de-evolve a subject?"

Koopa hesitated but after gave him a nod of approval he pressed onward.

"Um, Yes, we've toyed with the idea before. Also might as well get this out of the way too, we also decided to transform this ability into a gun. These will be used by the cops as a means to quickly dispose of criminals. However as you've probably guessed there are some complications. The fact that we've spent almost 30 years on building this machine proves how difficult a project of this magnitude is. Plus, cop guns have been stolen many times. We can't risk the idea of these guns being stolen too. One more question."

An arm shot up, "Sir, have you ever thought that maybe this could backfire on our race? Like if we used this technology, nature will come and make us regret it some day?"

"That thought has come up once in a while. But Simon, the creator of the machine has done some calculations and has proven this concern is very unlikely to happen due to how perfectly built the machine will be when it's finished. Now then, I'd like to thank you all for coming again and have a good day."

The Rebel turned the TV off and sat in the desk.

A machine that can de-evolve anything huh? Interesting.

------------------------------------------------------

AU: Ohhhh dear. This chapter.  First of all, the little things. Like a plot hole that occurs one line down from each other (The Rebel is shocked to find out Wario has a son...even though he just had an inner monologue discussing about Mona and the kid seconds before), or the fact that small TVs exist in the 70′s (admittedly, this is supposed to be a parallel universe but still), and of course more grammar and spelling mistakes!

Now, onto the biggest flaw. This right here is what I meant about bad characterization. In this story, Wario’s wife is a version of the Warioware character Mona....a very loosely based interpretation......an interpretation that is treated like garbage by her spouse....an interpretation that is belittled by her spouse, treated like a joke by said spouse, and is immediately rendered harmless when her spouse kisses her in a Blues Brothers esque moment....an interpretation that will later be shown to be a clueless reckless jerk that’s often called out by the men who are arguably even worse when it comes to being reckless.

I severely regret writing her this way, hell I even regretted writing her like that back when I was still revamping the story (This is the revamp....and I arguably made it worse).

The only way I could justify this is by pointing out that not only is Mona herself a dick (I know, just hear me out), but everyone treats each other like garbage. It’s a shitty world run by shitty people. But even that explanation isn’t pitch perfect.

So yeah, that aspect drags this chapter (and arguably, the whole story) down a lot. If I try to revamp this story once more, Mona will be the first thing to get heavily rewritten.

However,  Next chapter will bring along new developments and a new character that I feel was much better written and not nearly as cringey. Hope to see you there.