Going to put a long winded personal discussion about mental health, spiritual psychosis and improvements underneath the read more. If any of it triggers you please don't be ashamed to skip this.
I'll be the first to admit it. I've had heavy delusions and been deep in the pithole of religious psychosis and hallucinations. Up until very recently, in terms of time lived here, I didn't realise nor care about the impact it had.
I secluded myself, I thought I was above human life and human interactions. I was convinced that I was trapped here and that investing anything into existing wasn't worth it in the long run. Or ever.
But, something changed in me when my parents brought home two cats. My priorities started changing. I didn't spend my days rotting in bed anymore because well, the cats wanted to play, to be handfed, the box needed to be cleaned. Etc etc. I was still doing bad mentally, but I had reasons to leave bed.
And then. I realised that I had grown apathetic towards real people, I couldn't grieve nor mourn about losing people near me. I felt nothing. And I used to feel a lot, friendships were important to me once. I brushed it off and continued with what I was doing.
One night though, a lot happened, any fragile structure I had built with people I thought I was similar to fell apart. I couldn't stand them anymore, I couldn't stand myself either. I hated who I saw when I looked in the mirror. So I made a promise to myself.
I dropped out of the science programme I wad attending, and applied to gastronomy. And I vowed to myself that I am going to improve, I am going to get better. Lack of medical support be damned I refuse to be this way anymore.
I won't lie. It was terrifying. I had to break down, examine and reevaluate everything I knew. From religion to gnosis, experiences, friends, soul family. All of it was mercilessly analysed and discarded if it contributed to my state.
I wasn't left with much, but what I have I can keep close to my heart without worrying.
I still believe that there are divines, and that magic exists, and that sometimes we get messages from someone through dreams. I believe that everything has a spirit and that multiple realities exist. But, those are distant and personal things I believe in, they don't affect me in person. They simply are.
I have a schedule for when I do my rituals and prayers, but I know nothing devastating will happen if I miss a day or two.
Regardless, rambling aside, it does get better. It will get better. And if you find yourself in a similar situation to me, please know that I am supporting you during every step of the way. Regardless of how many times you slip and fall back into old habits.
As for me, I'll be celebrating going down 50 points. I'm in a place where I can grow and become who I want to be. I'm.. Happy now.
5 notes
ยท
View notes
The 3 emoji prompts Masterpost
Rules: send me 3 emojis and I will write you a ficlet based off them.
Current status: requests closed
Estimated date for round 3: June 16th
Round One - April 16th
๐ชท๐๐ - lotus, bunny, moon -> Wei Wuxian tells A-Yuan a story from the Lotus Pier
๐๐๐ฆ - strawberry, ladybug, water droplets -> the juniors go to a strawberry orchard after a night hunt
๐ถ๐ฆท๐ - music notes, tooth/teeth, dragon -> Wei Wuxian has questions from DragonJi
๐๐๐ - skull, smile demon, kiss -> Wei Wuxian laments about not having been a stereotypical villain. Lan Wangji is very into it.
๐ ๐๐ถ๏ธ - shooting star, hearts, red pepper/chili -> WangXian stargaze
๐ก๏ธ ๐ต ๐จ๏ธ - sword, tea, snowstorm -> Wei Wuxian worries about his husband travelling in the cold
๐ท๐ฅ๐ - wine, fire, eyes/staring -> Wei Wuxian goes to the markets and brings Lan Wangji gifts
๐๐ชญ๐ฆ - joker, fan, scorpion -> Nie Huaisang asks Jin Guangyao to play a childhood game he and Nie Mingjue invented
๐๐น๐ - rainbow, cocktail, fireworks -> the rain ruins WangXian's beach day... or not
๐๐๐ฃ - smiling, grinning, scrunched up -> Jingyi goes on a rollercoaster for a bet and wins
๐โ๏ธ๐ค - umbrella, rainstorm, shaking hands -> WangXian try to share an umbrella. It goes better than expected.
๐ฅฐ๐๐ - in love, repeat, back -> WangXian talk about time loops
๐ป๐ธ๐ - violin, electric guitar, kiss -> WangXian musician AU
โค๐๐ผ - heart, skull, angel -> WangXian play with a ghost girl
๐ด๐๏ธ๐ช - horse, mountain, banjo -> Little Apple doesn't like banjos.
โป๏ธ๐๐ฑ - recycle, skull, plant -> A-Yuan's plant dies and Wei Ying uses it as a teaching moment
๐จ๐๐ - paint palette, broken heart, bunnies -> Wei Ying goes painting in nature
๐๐จโ๏ธ - haircut, ice cream, meteor -> WangXian spend the end of the world together
๐จโ๐ฉโ๐ง๐๐
- family, soup, sunset -> Jiang Yanli, Jin Zixuan and Jin Ling spend an evening together
๐ชโธ๏ธ๐ฆ - mirror, ice skate, flashlight -> WangXian ice skating AU
๐ง๐๐ - zombie, bath, meal -> Wen Ning receives a spa day for his birthday
:3c แฆ(รฒ_รณห)แค ฮฃ(-แท
_-แทเน) -> the juniors talk about summoning demons
๐ฆ ๐ ๐ญ - bat, goat, lollipop! -> the juniors go to a Halloween party
๐ง๐๐ - boba tea, leaves, key -> WangXian meet-cute as retold by Wei Ying to his bestie Wen Qing
๐ฅ๐ฉบ๐ - fire, stethoscope, flowers -> Lan Wangji buys his son and his husband gifts. He never delivers them.
๐โก๐ชข - stag, lightning bolt, thread -> Ouyang Zizhen tells his friends an old legend from his sect
Total: 26 ficlets!
Round Two: May 4th
๐ธ๐ซถ๐ผ๐ง๐ปโ๐ผ (cherry blossom, hands forming a heart, person feeding a baby) -> WangXian adopt a little girl
๐ ๐๐(praying hands, notebook, Vulcan salute) -> Lan Jingyi and Ouyang Zizhen try to cheat on senior Wei's talisman theory exam
๐ฅ๐๐ (wilting flower, sun, kiss) -> A-Yuan gifts Lan Wangji flowers
โ๏ธ๐ง๐ (thunder storm, kneeling person, sunrise over mountains) -> Lan Wangji tells Madam Lan he's getting married
โ๏ธ๐ก๏ธ๐ฒ (snowflake, thermometer, soup) -> Wei Ying takes care of his sick husband
โธ๏ธ๐ง๐
(ice skate, boba tea, sunset at the beach) -> WangXian take a romantic walk down the beach
โ ๏ธ๐นโ๏ธ (skull, bow and arrow, chains) -> Wen Ning visits the old training grounds in Qishan
๐ป๐ฅ๐ (ghost, explosion, lucky clover) -> lucky clovers grow in the Burial Mounds after the First Siege
๐ข๐๐จโโค๏ธโ๐โ๐จ (Angry symbol, an oncoming fist, and two men kissing with a heart) -> someone fucks around and Lan Wangji helps him find out
๐ป๐โพ๏ธ (ghost, broken heart, โinfinity/eternity/foreverโ) -> Wei Wuxian reaches immortality but not the way he wanted
๐ซ๐๐ (hug, a arrow heart and an eye) -> Lan Wangji watches Wei Wuxian work
๐ณ๏ธโโง๏ธโจ๏ธ๐ (trans flag, heat/steam, galaxy/night sky) -> Wei Wuxian understands something about Mo Xuanyu's identity
๐ฎ๐ต๏ธโ๏ธ (lantern, flower, swords) -> WangXian walk into a bar...
๐ท๐ฉ๐ (wine, love hotel, evening) -> WangXian spend a romantic, horny night in a love hotel
โ ๏ธ๐โ๏ธ (skull, lipstick, crossed swords) -> Wei Wuxian buys makeup for a disguise
๐๐ถ๐ด (bunny, music notes, sleeping emoji) -> Wei Wuxian asks his husband to recount memories of little A-Yuan that he missed
โค๏ธ๐ฃ๏ธ๐ (heart, road, cat) -> Wei Wuxian brings home a stray kitten
๐ ๐ณ ๐ (firetruck, whale, bunny) -> a day at the juniors' kindergarten
๐ถ๐ถ๏ธ๐จโโค๏ธโ๐โ๐จ (wine, chili, two men kissing) -> Wei Wuxian misses his husband so much
๐พ๐ชบ๐ฏ (wheat, bird's nest, Chinese palace) -> Emperor Lan Wangji and his son fall in love at first sight
๐ค๐ซฆ๐ฅฐ (emoji wearing glasses, lip bite, emoji surrounded by hearts) -> Lan Wangji gets glasses and Wei Ying reacts about it
Total: 21 ficlets
23 notes
ยท
View notes