#🤓☝ well actually moment

[leodeserti]

Actually this is Thomas Chippendale's Violin Bookcase, c. 1760-3. Designed by William Chambers.

Bookcase made by Italian violinist and composer Niccolò Paganini (1782 - 1840) housing his famous library of Musicophilia

[anaalnathrakhs]

oooooh i need to write smth here for the cutoff to work alright

wondering when exactly having friends is supposed to start being fun, because for now... i mean, maybe it's the depression sucking the joy out of the good moments and leaving me with nothing but the bad, but i'm kinda tired of trying to play switzerland to this entire school.

i don't want to be the person who says all mental illnesses need support and love uwu and then turn my back when my friends are acting irrationally or unpleasantly, but also... eeeeeeh i'm starting (and by starting i mean it's been like a year at least and then i wipe my memory every time i go home from the hangout) anyway i'm starting to feel a little. put off by the drama, and this mess of interpersonal relationships where your meta-friends barely can be in the same room together, and the constant talking behind backs, and the. well. the irrationality.

i know they're aware. at least for the most part. that they're talking shit for something that people can't be blamed for. and they're just taking out their nerves. and they don't genuinely believe that X or Y is an evil asshole who wants them dead. and i don't want to be all 🤓☝ bc it's important to vent frustration. but like. i never know when to try to intervene when they start actually acting upon this shit. like they have a point oftentimes, but they go about it in... an immature way? but, well, can i say i'm really doing better?

and idk. i know this is never going to be a fully healthy non-toxic friendship. we're older teens and young adults, who were all mentally ill and/or socially maladapted pretty severely at some point. we're all starting over from age 14 basically, except with the decisional power of a legal adult. but i think we can try to make the most of what we have, and try to get better progressively. we can't wait until we're fully formed optimal humans to be reintegrated, it doesn't happen without trial and error. and i genuinely want to do my best to be the best friend, best acquintance, best classmate, for the people around me. both for me and for them. so it's just... really hard to navigate. to know where to draw the line in the sand. to know what steps to take when something is appaling to me.

i don't know. shit is difficult and my friends are mean and i don't know how i am and i want to cry.