#😭 this isn’t even mentioning my dumb ass delusions either

[tabbytiger]

Girlies I am so concern w my brain /rant

TL:DR My psychotic ass is going more crazy than it already was, and also dissociative amnesia needs to get off my dick because Its starting to become a danger.

I’m so glad I wrote down all the details i could remember from that near miss while I still could recall it bc that was yesterday and I can feel it’s already starting to fade away again.

Nobody honking or anything is really throwing me off bc now I’m sitting here like “Did it actually happen or did I make this up or was it a dream that I had?”

Like I’m going to forget it entirely again soon and theres nothing I can do about it.

I should be idk like going thru ptsd or something I quite literally was going to die. But I’m still sitting here feeling fine and normal, and I was fine and normal when it happened too. I don’t feel anything about it and thats really concerning me.

Instead of like being distraught over the near miss instead I cried in my car in a dmv parking lot for literally 4 hours because I was like “Why the fuck am I starting to lose days, weeks, months and even years.”

I’m not quite blacking out in the middle of a day or anything but I am only remembering bits and pieces of a day and I’m recalling things out of order. I’ve always dealt with dissociation but its never been quite this bad.

Also I’m just like. I don’t know what to believe because I have psychosis.

I’ve just been lying in bed with thoughts looping in my mind and it all looks like this:

Do I have Schizophrenia? What if this is a delusion? Maybe I just think I have it but I don’t and its making up false memories or something to go with it. Are all the stuff that I remember going through when I was a child real? Did I make that up too? If I already feel like I didn’t exist the previous days or weeks then how do I know it happened? I see that I typed out all these messages but I really feel disconnected from the person that wrote them even if that was me on that date and time.

I’m forgetting earlier points brought up literally minutes ago in a conversation, and I’m going in and out the whole time so I’m not even hearing the full thing. Its so bad that when before I would misplace like 1 thing and then find it later.

Now its like, me spinning in circles because i keep thinking about doing something while I’m actively doing something else and I’ll forget that I haven’t done what I was thinking of doing and believe that I did it only to run back downstairs because I indeed, did not do it.

Like the number of times I have left for work at 3:30am thinking and REMEMBERING that I actively put my key in, turning the lock, and locking the door, only to come back home 8 hours later to my dad telling me I didn’t lock the door.

My dad has also told me a handful of times before about something I apparently said but I don’t remember saying it in the way that he’s recalling it, and I’ll be like “I don’t remember saying that” and he’ll be like “whats wrong with you, that’s exactly what you said” but I’m suspicious that he’s making stuff up and maybe hes pulling one of his “not funny and hard to tell if he’s serious or not” jokes.

Though I’ve also had instances on VC with friends where I’ll apparently say something and forget that I said it, cuz they’ll be like “thats what you said you literally JUST said it” and I’ll be like “huh?? I don’t remember saying that” except my friends wouldn’t lie to me and try to make me think I did something I don’t remember doing so I’m just like “I can’t trust my own memory 🥴”

I was so distraught driving home I missed the 1st ramp to get on the highway, and I was actively fighting not to dissociate while driving I missed my exit and had to drive over the white lanes back into a lane. How I remembered getting home and getting there is a miracle at this point.

I think its definitely saying something if me almost dying have no effect on me, and when I think about if I had died I’m still apathetic and neutral. And part of that is also because I have been dying so much lately in my dreams (Sometimes I wake up confused because I thought that dream was real and actually happened) that I’m just like.

“Its okay If I did die, It’ll only hurt for a second, and I’ll feel regret, and then grief but then everything will be calm and all that would have happen would be that I just quietly drift off into the nothingness and It’ll be the most peaceful last thing I’ll remember.”

Like this happened recently and I deadass shot up in bed and I was so confused and disoriented I was literally making sure my body was there and that I could feel. Bc I was like “Did I reincarnate?? Did I reincarnate and very soon I’ll forget all of my past life and this is the last thought I’ll ever have of my old self?” but like no bitch its called waking up 🥴😭