#💿…about me!

[tokusaatsus]

☆ ABOUT REZE:

i. they/them ii. minor iii. enfp iv. taurus

v. tired asf vi. women lvr vii. gacha addict

💬...hi, i’m reze !!

but you may also know me as solar, sunny, rere, zeze, reze’s puffs, rezey pezey, rezemiao, rezerat, sol, solsol, solcito, sunny bunny, sunbun, sunny knees, didi, lemon, or literally anything else.

i primarily use they/them pronouns but feel free to use he/him or she/her, i don’t really mind! gender is just a social construct to me, as i am simply three bisexual racoons in a trench coat ^^; mutuals who know my neos, feel free to use those as well!

i’m your local ½ cosproP (edenP and valkP), adonisP and begrudging trickstarP, as well as occasional kaoruP. i’m also a self-shipper, though i very rarely ever talk about that ahaha... you probably have heard me screaming about eden, but my heart belongs to anzu, kaoru, adonis and chiaki. (if you’re interested, you can see my full yume list here !!)

i’m perfectly comfortable sharing my yumes. feel free to talk to me about them, whether mine or yours~ and i’ll definitely indulge you ^^

i love love love~ halloween, which is like, my ultimate fav holiday ever. aside from that, i also like animanga, bubble tea and pudding (sometimes together), vocaloid and making friends !!

the games i play outside of enstars include: arknights, bandori, prsk, d4dj, hsr, limbus company, tot, om and mhyk !! i’m on jpmusic and enmusic for enstars, as well as basic, so feel free to ask me for my game uids !!

apart from that, a few of my other interests include: milgram, orv, tgcf, bsd, hypmic, aftg, hi3, csm and many many more.

i have been told that i’m apparently super nice and friendly, so feel free to drop in anytime to chat !! i won’t bite, i promise~

💌 @.tokusaatsus 

[clay-pidgeon]

draw more fat people you fucking dweebs

[fadeintoyou1993]

✧ bru, 26, she/he/they, +carrd ← (my carrd has the byf/dni criteria) ✧ i track #userbru ✧ audhd, nonbinary, dyke, bipoc, brazilian ← bingo card ✧ tarot reader × gemini sun, aries moon, sagittarius rising ✧ gifs, themes, resources, creations in general ✧ spotify, letterboxd, serializd, pinterest, storygraph, airbudz ← im really bad w apps that track stuff btw ✧ i take commissions ♡ buy me a coffee? ✧ @archieandrews, @lizzies, @natalia-dyer, @brasileirada, @userbru, @sophiethatchersource ← sideblogs ✧ palestine, sudan, congo ← tags with resources/news/updates

[marsti]

this pride month i am sitting you down and forcing you all to check what people actually identify as when talking about queer artists. like if i have to see another person confidently state alice oseman (author of heartstopper) is bisexual im gonna have to stop being polite. bro theyre aroace thats literally the opposite. dont you think them writing a book called "loveless" in 2020 would give you a hint. wikipedia is right there.

[edmundhoward]

something very sick and twisted about the trend in fandoms of people going out of their way to be egregiously vile about female characters (histfigs, in this fandom's case) about whom we know nothing. it's disappointingly common how easily people can be grotesquely misogynistic even in the absence of anything to substantiate a grievance.

[found-wings]

imagine etoiles accidentally hurting phils wings durring one of their little sparring sessions and while he's dropping quick potions on the wing to patch it up, he's hearing phil laugh it off and explain how it's really nothing to worry about as they've been messed up since he got on the island and etoiles complimenting him for just being That good for toughing out damage like that while on the inside he's so worried because Why does he have to watch his friends just calmly accept the pain the island inflicts onto them as if it's just another part of them - 💿

God all I can think about in relation to this is just. these two sparring and eventually maybe Etoiles lands a harsh hit on Phil, or maybe Phil lands a little too roughly on the ground with his wings instinctively flaring out- and you just hear a snap.

Etoiles immediately freezes up, Phil barely winces, if at all at the feeling.

The thought of Phil chuckling and laughing Etoiles concerns off, going on about how it‘s not a big deal as they‘ve already been messed up for a while since his arrival and doesn‘t bother him, which- doesn‘t exactly soothe Etoiles worries. Sure he reacts with compliments on how well Phil handles the pain like that, but then again, if Phil feels such little when his wings get injured.. that means Phil has mostly lost feeling in his wings, right?

Sillies :D (pain) JAJJAJ

[smoshidiot]

"Thanks, but it was a different anthony, but whatever. :)"

[wubbgang]

okay wait, i just noticed deej has a sharp tooth on the left bottom (from deej's perspective) of its mouth. what was that from? or was that just how it was made? (sorry if this was already addressed, I might've missed it.)

it’s just a little quirk of sorts that Deej was made with, that’s all! (i think I’ve only mentioned it in like the first post i made about these guys, so don’t worry about having missed anything lol)

Bebop likes it, and pretty much everyone else pays it no mind, but Deej isn’t sure how it feels about its single fang… in its eyes, it’s just another thing that sets it apart from the other “normal” wubboxes.

[samsammysamson]

Happy bi visibility day!

[accultant]

[slutdge]

also got some new vinyl in the mail today :-)

[clay-pidgeon]

most of us are aromantic or in the ballpark which is fine #loveloses im an ally to the a or whatever but the thing is that our last name sucks really badly its just so insanely boring im not even talking about how common it is (it is pretty damn common) its just unsatisfying to say it looks boring it sounds boring it is such a boring name but you cant really justify changing your last name by saying "its too boring" you have to get married but we dont want to get married because most of us are aromantic or in the ballpark

[cinnabargirl]

[edmundhoward]

i’m not saying this as something i can objectively prove… but it doesn’t seem like a coincidence that in online circles, that one specific holbein sketch that has been repeatedly identified as anne boleyn has been rejected, because she’s regarded as not conformably attractive…

[found-wings]

"is this what you wanted" AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

*ahem*

yes

anyway-

it is okay I do the exact same thing of reading something that makes the brainrot go crazy and have to do a walk around my room just to compose myself before continuing to read 😭😭

BUT OH MY GOD DUDE THE ACTUAL PHYSICAL RECOIL I HAD THE VISCERAL REACTION I GAVE WHEN REALIZING YOU ADDED HIM GETTING TAKEN MULTILPLE TIMES TO THE POINT WHERE HE CAN BARELY REMEMBER???? ADDING IN THAT THE FEDERATIOND TESTS AND EXPERIMENTS KEEP GARNERING WORSE AND WORSE RESULTS IN THEIR EYES TO THE POINT WHERE HE NEEDS THAT MUCH 'FIXING' OW THE FUCKING PAIN ESPECIALLY FOR AN ANARCHIST CHARACTER TO BE STRIPPED OF THAT SPIRIT and the memory manipulation mwah in character for the federation

also the specific feeling of fighting feeling wrong to his very core is so special to me bc it feeling wrong to him is so different then if he had been forced to dislike fighting which is VERYYYYY SEPERATE HERE ‼️‼️ they def fucked him up with various torture methods within their experiments and made sure to wipe it from his mind so he can't remember what specific events occurred in the buildings- but can still feel the lingering effects of their training to give him a negative association with combat. especiallyyyyyy with the detail of his hands shaking when he thinks about using a weapon, I wouldn't be surprised if at his return, his hands would be more crooked and seem a bit out of place at a closer glance from the federations training tactics.

and the way I could genuinely feel my heart Drop when he refused a sparring session- not just bc of phils side of the angst hammer here, but from the idea of etoiles witnessing firsthand how no matter how strong the spirit is, the federation will break past it and leave hollow souls in its wake. how he tried so hard to make sure his friend could stay positive and resilient despite the world being out to hurt him and it still wasn't enough. phil is home safe and sound but a part of him had died in those horrific white buildings at the hands of that damn bear. but etoiles will be dammed if he doesn't find that spirit and shove one of his dozens of death totems towards it and makes sure they get given a second chance because letting the federation win like this will never be an option in his eyes. honorable battles is such a big part of his character in canon so to rip that from someone so close to him would be absolutely disgusting to him and he'd keep fighting not only for himself but for phil too, because he needs to leave this island knowing that his enemies will have been rightfully punished for everything they've done to hurt people. good people.

and also MY NON-EXISTENT THERAPIST WILL KNOW YOUR NAME FROM THAT LAST LINE YOU ADDED HOLY FUCK I WAS LOOKING FOR ANGST NOT A BULLET TRAIN SENT DIRECTLY TO MY HOUSE ‼️‼️‼️‼️ - 💿

ME WHEN, I AM SO RAAAAAH, I HAD TO STOP MULTIPLE TIMES WHILE WRITING THAT AND JUST, HEAD IN HANDS

I absolutely love the specific feeling of fighting feeling wrong. Because Phil doesn‘t dislike it even if someone tried to make him hate it - he adores fighting and sparring, being able to move almost like water because he‘s decently lightweighted considering he‘s an Avian and it makes his movements feel so free. He finds fun and enjoyment in it, it helps him clear his mind and relax even, but after the consistent ‘fixing‘ he had to endure it just feels wrong.

And Phil doesn‘t even know why.

It doesn‘t make sense to him because he can‘t fully remember anything bad happening anymore, but his body remembers. It remembers everything, each and every ‘fixing‘ he had to go through, even if his mind doesn‘t.

Gods, just imagine witnessing the Person, your friend that you looked up to and admired and respected in the same way they did you, just.. break. Be broken into someone you can‘t recognise anymore.

ALSO THE WAY YOU TALK ABOUT ETOILES REFUSING TO GIVE UP PHIL AND INSTEAD KEEP FIGHTING FOR HIM TOO AND AND-, AAAA, WHAT‘S YOUR NON-EXISTENT THERAPISTS NUMBER, BECAUSE I‘LL NEED ONE IF I GO BACK TO ANGST, WHEEZE

Anyways— IQVD

All of this just makes me think about possibilities of actually finding that fighting spirit again, with Etoiles taking slow and little steps with Phil. He can‘t push Phil even further behind, he knows that he has to take it slow and careful because of the messed up shit the Federation has done to him. And sure it won‘t be the same, it never will be, not with the damage the Feds have caused at this point, but it can still come back in new ways.

Maybe the first steps start with Phil watching Etoiles fight again. Friendly fighting and cheering, making sure the island is safe by getting rid of mobs around. Phil flinches more than he likes at first, but it‘ll be fine. It always ends up fine, it has to be.

Eventually Phil maybe starts trying to cook again, smiling gently as he makes something to snack on for himself and maybe Etoiles. It takes some time, but eventually Phil can hold a knife without recoiling into himself too much.

Eventually they start with sticks, watching Phils expression twist into some mix of being offended and yet uncertain at the same time. If a mere stick was going to make him this nervous, they had a long road ahead.

Just imagine Phils hands still shaking more than he wants to, it frustrates him because he doesn‘t understand, he doesn‘t! And yet Etoiles does, guiding him through that frustration as they eventually and finally start their sparring sessions again.

The first attempt lasts barely a few seconds before Phil panics, each attempt slowly but surely increasing in time the more they try.

Maybe it‘ll take a while for Phil to return back to his used to be spirit & confidence in himself and until they get there, Etoiles doesn‘t mind being Phils shield again.

Etoiles has seen Phil break like he’s nothing but an egg and he‘ll be damned if he doesn’t help him heal those cracks again.

[cosmossystem]

on separate spaces

(long post bc im a yapper & idk how to be brief)

this is just my opinion, but as someone in an osdd system, i feel like theres no real way to go "this only applies to disordered systems and non-disordered systems could never hope to understand it so get out of here because this is not by/about/for you" etc.

on a base level, i get why you would want to have different spaces to discuss your experience with the disorder and its symptoms. and i agree that we need those spaces. i WANT to talk about those things, and i do! but the "didosdd community"... does not do that. if they did, i dont think wed be having this conversation.

instead, its like theyre trying to make a space for themselves, but instead of founding it on shared experiences like they should (for instance: general plurality or how to deal with dissociation and the like), theyre founding it on the distress they go through (caused by their symptoms) and then acting like plurality is the reason for those symptoms, instead of just... treating it like separate issues. like sure, you might be plural because of your trauma, but your didosdd is your trauma response and why you have those symptoms, not the plurality in and of itself. there are non-systems who dissociate or who have amnesia, and the inverse is true. its a gray area.

but truthfully, they dont care for any of that. all they know is that theyre miserable, and they want to stay miserable.

not counting the autism (cuz its a special case), ive got two other major Big Bad disorders that make my life hell: ocd and avpd. and in all of these communities, i see the same exact thing every time. we never talk about how we can live life happily with these disorders or heal. i dont hear about ocd successes, or how someone overcame their avpd and carved a life out for themself. i hear about the struggles, and how it sucks, and the way it ruins your life.

because when you are REALLY deep into these disorders, you are pretty hopeless. i know and ive been there. the didosdd community likes to bond on their suffering, because suffering people attract other suffering people. its a cycle: the more you talk about suffering the worse you feel, and you look for comfort in other suffering people but no healing actually happens. they (didosdd) cant imagine a life without suffering-- and, important distinction: they mistake their plurality for the reason they suffer.

which, yes. you can suffer with plurality. it isnt all sunshine and rainbows. its hard! youre allowed to not like it or hate it even! but what im trying to say is that the point of therapy, generally, is to learn to live with your symptoms. mental illness cannot ever be fully healed, it is a product of your brain being abnormal, and no, even integration wont cure you. but they dont seem to get that? they think of themselves as fractured/broken/wrong somehow, their plurality is "proof" of that, and then cry about how awful didosdd is and 'why would someone ever want this?'

look, i get it. i HAVE didosdd. i know it sucks. i know its hard. its awful and i hate it. but i dont hate being plural. i dont hate my alters. we are more functional this way than we would be if we were a singlet. and, most importantly, being a system outside of your didosdd symptoms is important and valuable. your symptoms are just... the disorder itself. not the plurality. they just coexist.

because there will come a day very soon where our system no longer suffers from our symptoms to a degree that we will no longer fit under the didosdd criteria. because you can truly minimize those symptoms, function as a unit, and you wont need the label anymore. because didosdd is not "youre plural and it sucks". its "everything sucks, and youre plural in addition to it sucking". youll most likely still be plural, but it wont suck anymore.

and in all of my experiences with osdd/did/whatever we have--dissociation, a little amnesia, distress, all the works-- these are all things that non-disordered systems can have experience with. theres a ton of overlap. i dont feel like, on a fundamental level, theres really any huge difference between us (disordered) and them (non-).

yet the didosdd community seems to like to gatekeep those symptoms? which doesnt make sense either. ive never met a non-disordered system that didnt struggle in some way with a different mental illness, and those things i mentioned above are all really common symptoms of other disorders, like autism, adhd, personality disorders, (c)ptsd......

but most of all, i think a lot of didosdd systems tend to think of non-disordered systems --whether they (claim to) support them or not-- as this like, Magical Separate Thing with No Common Ground to them...?

like, you dont think endos had to go through a discovery period? you dont think theyve been judged or abused or outcast for their plurality? you dont think theyve ever struggled with switching, or communication, or headspace, or alter roles? you dont think theyve never felt invalid or unreal or like they were broken? hell, they probably feel that MORE than we (didosdd) do because of how you guys treat them!

and if the goal of having separate spaces was to talk about your symptoms and help each other cope with your stigmatized disorder (again: a very valid thing to do) like they claim to do... well, you certainly dont do that.

yall are too busy fighting over whos faking, and basing your existence on a disorder. and speaking from years of experience: basing your existence on a disorder makes for a very miserable life.

because, put it this way-- ive never met an endo/supporter that i didnt generally agree with and feel respected by. sure, i dont understand most of them, but the more they talk about their experiences the more i go "oh hey, we do that too! we arent so different after all." they listen to me. i listen to them. we help each other, and share advice on how to become functional units. we share the good and the bad. we understand we are more than a disorder. we are a community!

but on the other hand, i have met a lot of sysmeds who (as the name implies) think our existence is purely medical, reduce us down to our symptoms, and treat us like broken fragments instead of like actual living breathing people.

that isnt getting over your disorder, or learning to cope with it. thats forming an identity around your pain. and ive tried that and i nearly died from it, and im gonna tell you this: it doesnt fucking fix you. it doesnt make your symptoms better, it doesnt make you happy, it doesnt make you functional. it only makes you sad and bitter and suicidal. if you genuinely believe youre broken, then you are. and you will stay broken until you heal, which you cant do if youre surrounded by other miserable broken people.

respectability politics 101: society thinks youre broken for being plural. if you agree with them, there is no way to challenge the stigma of your disorder. you wont improve, or find people who accept you. they have no reason to-- after all, youre a freak, right? and youll stay the same. sad, bitter, broken.