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nicomundthered · 2 years ago

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Blood Runs Cold

Injured Trilogy- part one | part two | part three

pairing: Joel Miller x fem!reader

summary: you save Ellie, but not yourself.

tags/warnings: hurt/comfort, this one is angsty, blood and descriptions of injury, I'm not a doctor, also don't know a thing about nature apparently, established relationship, happy family, drowning, fear of water, way more spice than intended it just happened- though nowhere near explicit.

word count: 10k | ao3

a/n: had to edit this twice and tbh I just need it finished, so please forgive the mistakes. part three might take a little longer...I’m having quite the anxious episode but enough of that, hope you enjoy!

masterlist

It took a while for you to recover, but you had. Well for the most part. Your hand was the only lingering problem.

The doctor had done what she could for it but without the proper technology and equipment–even after the mostly successful surgery, it would never be the same again.

You had diligently followed the physical therapy exercises she gave you and weeks later, you could now make a fist and your grip strength was improving. The process was long and if you were being honest you were getting impatient. You were just thankful that it was your non-dominant hand because it was still frustratingly weak and uncoordinated in comparison. The doctor had confirmed that it would probably always feel that way. You'd be lying if you said that that didn't upset you, not that you weren't grateful to be alive–it just really sucked.

Joel was different though. While you were a little depressed and frustrated, Joel seemed to be almost obsessing over it. He would inspect it every morning, seeing how the two deep scars from the surgery were healing. Then he would ask a couple times a day if you had completed your exercises. And he was also overly protective of it. He'd fuss anytime you picked up anything or when you'd tell him that you were ready to go back to work. The two of you argued over it quite heatedly more than once.

One day, a couple weeks ago now, after he finished his patrol he returned his gun and gear, and checked in with Tommy for the next day's schedule.

Tommy and Maria were in a deep discussion and when they saw Joel, Tommy bowed his head and Maria straightened, both looking extremely suspicious.

“What happened?” Joel asked concerned. He somehow knew it was about you.

Maria admitted that due to your tenacity, she had put you on light cleaning duties. That you had begged to have something to do, and that after a couple of hours you had grown frustrated from the weakness in your hand, which had cramped causing you to drop a plate. It shattered all over the ground and when you could only use your good hand to pick up the small pieces, it had sent you over the edge.

You didn't listen to anyone and you'd picked up the sharp pieces using only one hand and it had cut you up. You did so with tears in your eyes and then you left without saying a word, hand covered in blood.

He quickly left, hurrying to you as fast as his feet would carry him.

When he came home he found you in your shared bathroom. You didn't hear him enter and were focused trying to pick out the small ceramic pieces that were lodged beneath your fingertips.

You had been attempting to fish out the pieces for just under an hour now and your hands were shaking. You could barely work the tweezers due to the slick blood and your hand was cramping. Speaking of, it was properly hurting now–which it hadn't been for weeks now.

“Baby?”

You jumped, dropping the tweezers and cursing. You grabbed the hand towel and tried to cover your hand but he was quicker. His body came up behind yours and he placed both arms on the sink, trapping you in place, eyes making contact in the mirror.

“Let me see,” he said, leaning down, breath hitting your neck.

“It’s nothing, just cut myself cleaning.”

“Let–me see.”

You almost gave in but just as you about relented, you thought of a different distraction and leaned back and pressed your backside into him, moving your hips gently from side to side.

His nostrils flared, eyes narrowed as he hissed at the contact. It took him a second to come to his senses because his body would alway betray him when it came to you, but then quickly snapped out of it and scooted back and put his hands on your hips preventing you from following.

“Jesus–just let me see your damn hand.”

You turned around abruptly, he was still very much in your personal space.

“I just nicked it. I don't know why you're acting like this over this,” you suddenly felt small like a helpless child. Despite your confident voice, you could no longer look at him as tears welled in your eyes. You hated feeling helpless but you also hated needing help. And what didn't even make sense was all he wanted to do was to help you. Why you rejected it you weren't entirely sure. Maybe you were just tired of seeing the worried look on his face–the one that you continued to put there.

Though, as much as you loved him, you hated the way you always just gave into him. You blamed his eyes, his voice, his… you know what, it was just him–he was your kryptonite.

“It was just a little cleaning,” you said, unwrapping your hand and held it up to him so that he could see. “I- I uh–broke a glass and tried to…”

“Maria told me.”

“Damn.”

He chuckled softly at your frustration and then frowned suddenly, “You're still lying to me. I thought we went over this.”

“This doesn't count though. It's not life or death. It's just a few stupid cuts.”

He reached out and took your lightly bleeding hand. “I’m not too worried about this,” he said after inspecting it thoroughly, noting that you still had some small pieces still stuck. “But this…” he gently let go of your hand and picked up the other. It was still locked in a cramp, “This is what I worry about.”

He carefully pressed into the tight muscle and you gasped in discomfort, which was quickly replaced with relief as he kneaded the overused muscle until he successfully worked the cramp out.

“Thank you,” you said, looking up at him almost ashamed

“You're doin’ too much.”

You yanked your hand from his like he had just burned you. He didn't react, just continued to stare at you. He wasn't going to take that back, you were doing too much too soon.

“I literally just swept and washed a few dishes. If–if I can't even do that then…”

“You were hurt,” the frown returned to his face.

“Yeah I was. Past tense Joel.”

“It takes time to heal. You almost…you almost died baby,” he put his hands in his pockets as he blinked a few times trying to rid the images of you doubled over coughing up blood.

He wanted to reach out to you so damn bad, but knew that you needed space right now.

“I know that. But I feel so helpless, all the time. I- I can't do anything. I can't even turn the pages in a book…I can't even sit and fucking read. And you leave and do your shifts–shifts that we are supposed to do together. What if you got hurt because I wasn't there to watch your back?” He looked like he wanted to interrupt you but refrained. “And then Ellie has to come home from school and before she does her homework or hangs out with her friends she helps me cook and clean. I just—I’m just so sick of feeling useless. I’m so sick of feeling like a burden.”

There it was.

He thought of a million things to say. He wanted to berate you for even thinking such a thing, but that never seemed to work on you, so he decided to go a different route.

“I understand.”

“Do you?” You said with more venom than you intended.

“Yeah, yeah I do,” he cleared his throat, “When I was stabbed and you and Ellie had to do everything.”

“You were unconscious Joel. You were dying from infection.”

“That doesn't matter. I–I couldn't protect you two. I could barely understand what you said to me but I could make out enough.” He took his hands out of his pockets and rubbed his face, “I knew that you were going to leave and try to find me medicine. I tried to call out…I tried to stop you, but I couldn't. And then when the men–when the men came looking for you I–damn near lost my mind. But I couldn't move. I, I tried so hard to,” he felt the familiar pressure in his chest, “I…I watched you leave–and I couldn't even beg you to stay.”

You stood still as a statue as a tear rolled down your cheek, all you could do was stare.

“So yeah, I do understand. Feeling helpless is the worst, but you got me and Ellie, and you are getting better everyday. But pushing yourself isn’t gonna help you. So please do me–do us a favor and just let us help you. You’d do the same thing for us in a heartbeat and you are never a burden. Do you hear me?”

Your eyes were wide and mouth was slightly opened, “I’m sorry, I had no idea.”

“It’s ok. Everything turned out fine. We are both here.”

You launched at him, hugging him tightly. You kissed his neck and said, “I wish you would have told me. I know you dream about it…”

“I don't want to talk about that right now, ok? I just want to get that junk out of your hand and take a shower. Does that sound good?”

You agreed.

He took his time and worked efficiently, and in no time he had all of the debris removed and had cleaned your fingertips. Then he helped you undress and led you to the shower, where he worshiped you with as much attention as he gave you wounds, and then finished by cleaning your body as well–something that he's come to enjoy doing. When you got out of the shower he gently bandaged both hands, one for the cuts and the other to relieve the pressure on the healing muscle.

He dried you off and helped you dress into your most comfortable clothes, which were ironically his clothes. Then you sat at the kitchen table and listened while he told you about his day. He heated you a can of your preferred soup and toasted you both some bread to go along with it.

After your shared meal, you moved to the bedroom where he read a couple chapters of your favorite book to you. You fell asleep with your head on his shoulder. And when you woke you were in his arms snuggled closely, your bad hand in his as he lightly massaged it.

You've been back on light duties for a month now–also known as cleaning and restocking the armory. It definitely feels boring and mundane after the action you were used to, but it was much better than doing nothing. Your hand still has the occasional cramp but it's much stronger. You’ve practiced on the shooting range a few times now and you weren't as hindered as you thought you'd be. Slower yes, but still able, with an aim as deadly as it's ever been.

It was the middle of a Wyoming winter and it was cold. Snow fell for four days straight covering the ground in a thick solid layer that probably wouldn't melt until the beginning of spring. Which made today's appearance of the sun that much better. Everyone in Jackson acted like it was a holiday. Two families were actually having parties and had invited you over.

People liked you for a reason you didn't even know. You were nice and you worked hard but you weren't overly friendly, maybe you just appeared that way because you were around Joel and Ellie. Or maybe it was because you were close to Maria and Tommy. Regardless, there would be no partying for you.

A few months ago you had talked Ellie out of going on runs until she was older. She hated it and took quite some convincing but you managed to make a deal with her. She focuses on school and her friends, and honestly just being a semi carefree teenager for once in her life, and a couple times a year the three of you would take vacations.

By vacations, you'd basically just camp and be away from everyone a bit. None of you would admit it but each of you missed the seclusion. Just the three of you, no obligations, nobody telling you what to do. You were grateful for Jackson, you all were and it was much better than being alone but that's how you lived for months together. That's where your strong bonds were made, and sometimes the sleeping bag under the stars felt more like home than your house.

Another part of the agreement was that Ellie got to choose where you'd go. It couldn't be too far, at least not during the winter, and the trip couldn't last more than a week–not until she was finished with school.

On this inaugural trip she wanted to see the rapids. Some friends had talked about how they canoed down them and she hadn't stopped talking about it since. You doubted that that was true, in a canoe? But it didn't matter it was a part of your deal and since the rapids weren't too far away the request seemed reasonable.

And really it was a big deal for Ellie to want to go anywhere near water, let alone potentially dangerous water. She had let it slip once that she couldn't swim and the fact that she hasn't asked to learn yet tells you that she's afraid.

It was early morning, the sun had just begun to light up the sky. It was cold but no snow clouds were on the horizon. You were all packed with more things than you’d need in a week, and the trip probably wouldn’t even last three days. This was your first time leaving since your injury and it was Ellie's first since the agreement, which meant Joel was kind of a nervous wreck. He packed excessive amounts of everything–ammo, food, first aid. His pack weighed double the usual weight, and this time he saddled up his horse.

You found him in the stables. He was loading up the horse slowly and precisely, trying to slow down the inevitable–his family was leaving safety.

“Are you ready?”

He jumped slightly and laughed almost nervously. “You scared me sweetheart.” He sighed and fastened the last strap on the saddle, “Bout there, I wanna double check the…”

“Joel,” you crossed your arms and looked at him sweetly. “Everything is going to be ok. We are going to have a fun quick little trip. Nothing that we aren't used to right?”

He still had his back to you but you could hear him gulp and you could see him trying to shake his head in some sort of agreement.

“Hey.” You walked up to him and held the side of his arms. “Do not put all of this on yourself. The three of us can defend ourselves, in fact I'd say that we are a pretty badass trio.”

You smiled and he couldn't help but smile back. It didn't reach his eyes but he smiled nonetheless.

“I’m afraid.” His voice was low where only you could hear him. He turned from you and focused on the horse. A little shocked that the confession slid out of him so easily. Completely unintentional.

His admission made you break a little. You didn't want this to stress him out like it was. This was supposed to be fun. “If you don't want to go me and Ellie–”

“No,” his voice was firm and commanding. “God- just no. I um–I just…it's safe here.” He was suddenly fixated on petting the horse, unable to look at your eyes that seemed to make him confess things without his permission. “And to leave it, if we don't have to seems…foolish to me.”

You tensed at his words. And boy did they make you angry. You and Ellie have been planning this and looking forward to it for weeks now. And he just waited until the last minute to express his concern? To call something you’d been dreaming about foolish?!

“We can't just stay here. We can't just be yours to play house with.” You paced a little and then continued almost grumbling to yourself, “Be your little housewife and we aren’t even married—go to school–be your picture perfect family. We can't do that. I can’t. I- I won't.”

He turned to face you quickly. He hadn’t meant to upset you, really he hadn't but it did seemed foolish to him, dangerous for no reason. He didn’t like the way you were talking, it made him uncomfortable. Yes he loved coming home to you but it was just because he knew that you were safe. It had nothing to do with you being a ‘housewife’ to him. And he also didn’t like what sounded like an ultimatum, he would never keep you from leaving but it still frightened him.

“I just meant–”

“Oh I know what you meant.” You felt your face getting hot. You didn't know where all of this was coming from and chalked it up to being frustrated at his last minute indecisiveness and your slightly stir-crazed mental state. “And it's such an easy thing for you to think about- building a wall around us caginging us up like animals in a zoo.”

“That's not–”

“Come home to a cooked meal.” You were pacing faster now, needing some kind of physical release. Your body was practically humming with pent up energy from being cooped up for months.

“Baby it’s not–”

“All your laundry folded nice and neat.” You dug your boots into the stable floor with such force that dirt was actually starting to kick up. You could feel your blood pressure rise with each step.

“To be propped up and ready to fuck when you come home–”

That made him snap. “Stop it!” He tightly held your shoulders and jerked you around hard. “I’d think very carefully about what you say next.”

You were still, all except for a wicked gleam of rebellion that flashed in your eyes. “Is that what you want?” You were breathing embarrassingly heavy.

He hated his reaction to all of this but regardless he still felt blood quickly rushing south and his pants tightened rapidly. You are just so damn hot and the image you were painting, well he hated to admit that the last part sounded appealing. Also he not so secretly liked it when you talked dirty.

“For me to be spread out on the bed for you, nothing to do but wait for you to get home. Be nice and ready for your—”

With absolutely no warning he spun you around and pulled you roughly to him. You arched into him instinctively and he placed one hand on your inner thigh and the other over your dirty mouth.

“I know it’s been awhile so I won’t get mad at you. But if you don't shut that pretty mouth of yours right now, we aren't goin’ anywhere.”

You ground your backside into him just as rough, and bit at his hand, in a futile attempt of retaliation.

“Fuck…” He pressed himself harder into you. A sinful moan escaped you that was barely muffled by his large hand. He was certain that his strain was going to break his zipper. “If you needed this from me baby, all you have to do is ask.” He cooed into your ear making chills shoot down your spine and pressure pool into your belly.

He moved his hand that was resting on your thigh and started to unclip your belt buckle.

The metallic clank broke you from your lust filled trance, and you shot out from his embrace. Your pupils were blown wide and you were almost gasping for air. “You aren't gonna- damnit, you aren’t going to distract me over this. We- we are leaving, with or without you.”

You stormed out quickly. Not even bothering to buckle back up.

If he were in the position he would have chased after you. But he couldn’t go running through town in his current state. So instead, to calm himself down, he thought about anything at all other than you.

A couple of minutes later, he led his overly packed horse over to where the two of you were waiting. Ellie was beaming at him and bouncing on the balls of her feet in excitement. He smiled at her but it made him feel like a piece of shit. This meant so much to the two of you. And he might have just ruined your whole trip. He hated when he made you angry but he still believed he had a point.

He looked over at you and you quickly turned your head away to avoid him. He didn’t know how to apologize to you. Or rather he knew how but he couldn’t do that in front of Ellie. So he’d have to find the right time when you were alone. He wasn’t the best with words, in fact most of the time his words only made things worse. So he’d have to be patient and hope you’d be willing to forgive.

He was mid thought when you just started walking. Ellie cut her eyes back at him and raised her eyebrow in question.

He just shrugged but he knew she was clever, sometimes too clever, and he knew that she knew he had done something stupid.

“Come on.” He sighed, urging her to drop it and follow.

Luckily for him, she was more excited for the trip than curious about what had happened. But he still feared that it was only a matter of time before she questioned him to death.

It took about five hours to make it to the river. It was a slow peaceful walk. There was no hurry—the journey and being at peace was the reason for the trip–it was mostly made in silence, the three of you weren’t big on small talk so it wasn’t at all uncomfortable, though he knew that you were only quiet because you were still stewing from earlier.

Ellie grew more talkative towards the end and you tried your best to carry on with her, but you were still infuriated with Joel. It was a buildup of things you supposed. But sometimes he really gets under your skin. The overprotective thing really works for you until it doesn't. And that’s not really fair to him because that’s who he is, and you knew that he hadn’t caged you in, you just felt trapped by your own injury.

It didn’t help that it was after months of being cooped up and babied. Two things you disliked. If he was going to be like this every time you wanted to go for a walk- then flat out, the relationship wouldn’t work. You needed some semblance of freedom or you’d go insane. That scared you because you also needed him. And maybe you were being a little dramatic. He was currently beside you and you were outside of the gates. So maybe you were being a little hasty. Hopefully this outing will give you the reboot your mind needed.

Joel picked a place to set up camp while you and Ellie walked over to the edge of the cliff to see the now infamous rapids. They were more intense than you imagined, no way could a canoe make it down them.

Ellie was being uncharacteristically timid. You looked back at her and decided to give her some alone time. “I’m going to help him, don't get too close to the edge, it's slick.”

She playfully rolled her eyes at you.

When you made it back to Joel he already had half of the stuff thrown on the ground, but when he looked at you he gave a look.

“What?” You placed your hands on your hips defensively.

“Nothin’...” he exhaled deeply, “Look- I’m sorry about earlier. I don’t wanna ruin your trip.”

“Our trip, it's our trip Joel. Look at where we are. Look how beautiful it is.” you gestured around you at the beautiful mountains, “Don’t you just feel…free?”

He looked at you with a sudden understanding, it was freedom that you needed. You’d told him as much, but seeing the stress visibly leave your face is what finally got it through his thick skull, “Yeah, I guess I do.”

You beamed at him, “See!”

“You look awfully beautiful out here like this,” his eyes sparkled at you. There was no other way to describe it.

“So do you.”

“Yeah?”

“Big time.”

He laughed, “See that big tree?”

It was the biggest tree in the area, impossible to miss, “Yeah?”

“If we were alone I’d apologize like you like me to, right up against–”

“Stop…that's–that’s cruel,” you blushed.

He laughed almost wickedly.

“Let's unpack before you find a way to get yourself back into trouble.”

Ellie was looking out, biting her lip apprehensively. Now that she was here she was fucking scared. Why did she even pick this stupid place, she couldn't swim, it was cold, and it was fucking stupid.

She walked closer to the edge and tried to peek over but she was too far away. She got frustrated with herself. Come on, don't be a pussy. She moved closer and closer still. Her chest felt tight and her legs were beginning to quake. She fought the urge to lay down and crawl to the edge, she didn't think that that would be a good look for her. So she continued to move forward very slowly, inch by inch, silently disregarding all sounds of internal alarms until finally, she could see all the way down into the raging water.

Her toes kissed the edge and as she leaned forward, just as she felt that she had confidently conquered a fear, her boot slipped. “FU–” she was cut short as she twisted and tried to grab onto the edge, but in doing so she landed on her chest which then sent her flying backwards towards the water. Thankfully she landed on a ledge less than halfway down the steep drop.

The ledge was small and narrow, she was very lucky to land on it at all. If she wouldn't have tried to hug the side of the cliff she would have fallen straight into the water. What she didn’t notice though was as she landed, the ledge moved slightly- small rocks broke off and fell into the freezing water below.

Ellie laid there for a few seconds and stared up at the blue sky. She took deep breaths trying to get it through her head that she was in fact alive–she wasn't entirely convinced. Until she heard you calling out her name.

You were fortunate enough to look over just as she fell. You ran to her as fast as you could desperately calling out her name.

Joel was left alone and confused for merely a second before he noticed Ellie's missing form. His heart dropped as he sprinted past you and looked over where she used to be standing.

“Ellie?” you caught up and stood beside him.

You looked over the ledge as she carefully stood and brushed off some snow and dirt.

“Holy shit.” she said looking up at the two of you.

She didn't speak loud enough to hear because of the thunderous sound of the rapids, but you could read her lips. You exhaled in relief.

Joel was also very relieved. If she had fallen she would have hit the rocks, and if by some miracle she missed the rocks the currents were strong. Even an amazing swimmer wouldn’t be able to stay above the water, he didn't care to think about what would happen to someone who couldn't swim.

“Ellie,” he yelled down to her.

She looked up, and moved to hug the side of the cliff, “Yea?”

He laid on his stomach and reached down his arm as far as he could stretch, “Can you climb to reach my hand?”

She stretched her body as tall as she could, standing on her toes, her feet almost completely parallel to the cliff. She was still short, not by much, so she jumped as high as she could, still missing his hand. When she landed, the shifting of the ledge was still unnoticed. There was nothing to grab onto, there was nothing to grip to climb.

She jumped again but this time landing with more force. The ledge visibly shifted and larger rocks plunked into the water.

“Stop!” you screamed out. “Ellie, stay still!”

She gave a thumbs up, “No problem.”

You laid down next to Joel, “I’m going down there.”

“Like hell–”

“Hey, listen to me. I’m taller than her. I could probably jump and reach your hand, she just needs a boost. She could probably stand on my back and reach you.”

“Let me, I’ll…”

“You’ll what?” you sighed and did your best to calm down. “I don't think the ledge is strong enough to hold you both.”

He opened his mouth but you continued, “And you know I couldn't pull your ass up.” you grinned, but he wasn't having it.

“Just wait a second. Let me figure something out.” He looked back towards camp, “We could tie some–”

“You saw the way those rocks fell. We might not have the time for that Joel.” You grabbed his forearm and looked deeply into his eyes, you weren't playing around, you were going to do this, “Please, let me save her.”

His brows furrowed and he looked at you with as much seriousness as you've ever seen from him, and that was saying something. He brought his forehead to yours, “Be careful,” he whispered onto your skin.

You nodded, noses bumbing against each other and then reluctantly moved from him and looked down, “Ellie? I’m going to come down there and help you, ok?”

She looked up at you in pure panic, “No don't! This fucking piece of shit rock is barely holding me up.”

“It’ll be fine.”

She practically cried out your name, “Please don't,” her voice cracked in her loud plea.

You looked at Joel and he was looking at you in premature anguish, “It’s going to be alright,” you said to who, you weren’t sure–probably everyone, including yourself.

You removed your gloves in case you needed a better grip and slowly climbed over the edge, Joel held on tightly, and when he looked at the two deep scars on your hand he froze, “God damnit!”

“What?” you looked up worried that something had happened, and saw him focused on your hand.

“Crazy woman, what are you fuckin’ insane?”

Your hand had crossed your mind, but getting Ellie to safety was the only thing that mattered. You smiled sadly- knowingly at him, and he all of the sudden realized what he was doing–he was slowly dropping you to your death. This wasn’t just a rescue mission, this was a suicide mission. The anger from his eyes was replaced with bone chilling fear. He desperately yanked you back up a little, pulling your arm too tight and causing your bicep to strain.

“Wha–?” you saw the raw panic in his eyes as he tried to haul you back up, “Stop, Joel Stop!” you looked down at Ellie and then back up to him with tears in your eyes, “I’ll break my arm off if I have to.”

He knew you would. Selfless woman.

He looked back at you holding on to his hand, gripping the side of the rock face, eyes full of tears and determination–he loved you so. “You better come back to me.”

“I always will.”

His grip tightened and he lowered you as far as he could, “Land softly.”

No shit you thought as you landed on the ledge. It dropped even further this time making a horrible crumbling noise.

You grabbed Ellie and hugged her tightly afraid that this was it. When nothing else happened you sighed in relief and quickly backed up. She looked scared, like she wanted to stay in your arms and hide.

“Come on, we have to hurry.”

You quickly got on your hands and knees and she stood on top of you. She reached tall but was scared to dig her toes into you–she didn't want to hurt you, and she thought of how long it took for your ribs to heal, how much pain you were in.

“Use your toes Ellie!” you demanded.

“I don't want to hurt you,” she practically sobbed out.

“You won’t, I can hardly feel you.”

She knew you were lying but she complied and stood on the tips of her toes. She brushed his fingertips and tried to reach further.

“Are you close?” you asked, feeling the ground beneath you sway knowing time wasn't on your side.

“I can touch him but I can’t–”

“Jump,” you interrupted her.

“Wha….NO I won't do that.”

“Ellie, baby- you have to.”

“I don't want to.”

“I love you very much…everything is going to be ok.”

More rocks crumbled and Joel called out your name in warning.

“Jump Ellie!”

Without a moment's more hesitation she did and Joel gripped her wrist tightly. They worked together and quickly got her to safety.

The pathetic excuse for a ledge was giving out. Your world was rocking back and forth like a buoy on the ocean. You stood slowly, doing your best to not make any sudden movements. You could hear both of them desperately calling out to you but you were focused. They didn’t know how precarious your situation had become.

You stood slowly and reached for Joel’s hand. You had known going into this that it was going to be much harder for you to get up. Sure you were taller than Ellie but not by much. You were going to have to jump or climb. To jump meant if you missed- you had to land, and you weren’t sure it could take that force.

You dug your fingers into any crack you could find, there weren’t many but you made your way maybe a foot off of the ledge when two things happened—first your hand locked up in a cramp that rendered it useless. You dropped it to your side, trying your best to hide it from those above. And second, the ledge broke away and fell into the water.

They cried out to you but you didn’t know what to do. You truly couldn’t do a thing with your hand, you couldn’t even use it as a stabilizer. You found a perch for one toe of your boot, but it wasn’t going to hold long.

It was like the universe knew that this was how you’d die. It was shitty, but it was giving you a chance to say goodbye to the two people you loved most in the world, and that’s more than a lot of people got.

You looked up. Joel’s face was red from straining to make himself longer. Spit was flying from his mouth with every pleading yell. Ellie was screaming for you to hurry. Time seemed to slow down as you watched them. They were going to be ok, they had each other, and despite what Joel would argue that would be enough.

So you had one attempt. It was all or nothing. One small lurch forward and you’d either make it to Joel’s hand or you wouldn’t. The chances were very slim.

“I have one shot,” you called up.

“Just keep climbing baby, you’re doing so good!” he encouraged loudly.

“I- I can’t. My hand is locked up.”

He cussed and behind him his feet angrily kicked holes in the snow. Tears started falling from his face and passed by you like drops of rain, “I told you to let me! I could have—“

“I love you. I love you both,” you sniffled but felt at peace, you had saved your girl, “I’m going to try my best but I really don’t have much to propel myself from.”

Your hand slipped a little and you could hear Joel’s gasp and Ellie’s cry.

“Ok I’m ready,” your muscles tightened in preparation and you tested the movement. Once you were satisfied that you’ve done all you could you started your countdown, “On, three-two—one.”

To give yourself some credit, you did make it farther than you thought. Probably a hands length away from Joel’s, but you knew from takeoff that it wasn’t enough.

You briefly saw the look of absolute horror on their faces as you took in as much air as you could, and shielded your head with your arms as you plunged into the freezing water.

You of course knew that water was powerful. It helped shape the earth with its constant rising and falling. Given time its pressure could smooth a stone, could forge new paths and create new bodies of water. It grew vegetation as easily as it could flood and drown. Any living thing needs it or would die. Water was both life and death, it was a powerful, powerful thing.

But you didn’t truly respect it until now. It tugged you under and slung your body around like a ragdoll filled with nothing but cotton. You had never felt so weighed down and yet somehow so weightless. You were so distracted by the sheer force of it that the sharp burning from the cold came later. Then oddly enough the need to breathe came even later than that.

After a few seconds of pathetically trying to fight it, you quickly realized you could do nothing but patiently wait for a current to bring you to the surface for a chance to get air.

It happened faster than you had anticipated. Before you knew it your head was above the water and you were gasping for oxygen. Some water got in but that didn’t matter to you in the slightest.

You glanced to the side at the riverbank and for the first time you noticed how fast you were moving. You were absolutely flying down the river.

You went under a couple more times, and were banged around—hitting some rocks here and there, which would bruise but nothing serious.

There wasn’t much farther to go as far as the rapids were concerned. The river was long but if you could make it another one- two minutes tops before it slowed and calmed.

What a jinx you are.

Your ankle was suddenly caught between two rocks. You were stuck and the angry currents were pushing at the side of your face, trying their best to force you back under. You took a deep breath, and went under to try and wiggle your boot free. It was of no use so you untied the shoe and were launched free immediately. It took you by surprise and rolled you a few times—disorienting you, and then your luck ran out. You hit your head, everything went black.

When you fell he almost jumped right in after you. As matter of fact, if Ellie wasn't with him he would have. His whole body shifted forward begging him to leap, but Ellie’s hand quickly grabbed his shoulder tugging him back up, as she yelled out after you. She anchored him to the spot and kept him from acting irrationally.

He sprang to his feet, “Look for her I’m gettin’ the horse.”

She quickly got up and ran along the edge. It's funny that moments ago she was so scared to even go near it- now she was sprinting alongside it, the only fear she felt was for you. Her eyes combed the water trying to get a glimpse of your now flailing form, they were stinging from the cold but she refused to so much as blink.

She looked farther down and saw you, just as you were thrusted up for air.

Joel passed her on the horse and she pointed ahead. She tried to keep up but you were both moving too quickly. She kept running even as she lost sight of you both.

Joel was riding alongside you. It was a difficult task to both keep his eyes on you, and keep his horse from running off the side but he quickly adjusted. You were doing a good job of keeping your head above the water, and he was starting to feel slightly optimistic.

The water was already calming down.

He looked back to you all of that previous optimism died along with any hope he had left in him. This time he screamed your name, it was way too raw to be called a yell.

He moved his horse back and forth searching. The horse was as anxious as Joel, it wanted to continue running. His heart was beating out of his chest as he continued crying out for you.

Then he saw you.

You were face down and floating downstream.

He charged the horse and went ahead of you to where the rocks stopped and the shore began. He dismounted, took off all of his clothes except his boxers, and ran into the water.

Even though it was calmer, he still had to curl his toes–gripping at the dirt in an attempt to brace himself with each step. When you floated near he swam out to you. It was rougher out where you were.

When he reached you he quickly turned you over.

You were so blue and he couldn’t tell if you were breathing.

Fortunately for the both of you, he was a swim champion in his teenage years and a pool lifeguard was his first job. He swam fast and strong and there was no way you’d release from his grip.

When his feet touched the bottom he cradled you, and trudged through the water as quickly as he could–water splashing all around as his strong legs ran you to shore.

Ellie was waiting, bent over trying to catch her breath.

He got you out of the water and laid you down in the snow.

“Is she breathing?” Ellie gasped as she looked down at your blue face.

“I don’t know yet.” He felt for a pulse but didn’t find one. Then he put finger under your nose to feel the air. Nothing.

“Damnit,” he immediately started chest compressions.

Ellie’s legs gave out and she sat in shock. She had lost a lot but losing you felt like too much. You were the closest thing she’d ever had to a mom. You were her best friend. What the fuck was she supposed to do without you?

“...gotta be the hero—”

Joel was angrily muttering to you. Ellie could only make out occasional fragments, she wasn’t even sure he knew what he was saying.

“—let anyone else get hurt.”

His voice trembled with emotion.

“Couldn’t just let me…hard headed…”

He was openly crying now and getting slightly winded from the exertion. His body pink from the cold with steam rising off of him.

“—drive me damn insane,”

Ellie was now sobbing with him- broken gasps and labored breaths. She hugged her knees to herself and began rocking.

“…better start breathing I swear to god.”

The horse moved, catching her eye.

“Please- don’t leave me…”

She turned back and watched him desperately pound on your chest.

“—I fucking need you…you hear me?”

That was as close to a sleeping beauty moment that you’d ever get. You started violently coughing up water- expelling it from your lungs. He rolled you on your side so it was easier on you for you to spit up the liquid.

A rush of pure joy overcame him, “That’s it baby get it all out.”

Ellie crawled closer to you like she couldn’t believe that you were alive. Something red caught her eye. “Uh, Joel?” she pointed behind your head, her voice sounding so small.

He was so fixated on watching your face that he hadn’t seen the blood staining the white snow behind your head, “Fuck.”

As you continued to cough he felt around the back of your head. There was a small swollen knot that was split by a not so deep cut. There was no indentation which was his main concern. And head injuries bled a lot, he reminded himself as he looked at his now crimson coated hand.

The coughs slowed down but he started worrying why you weren’t shivering. He was shaking uncontrollably. You were still.

“Here’s what I need you to do- take the horse and bring all our stuff down here. We have to get her warm.”

Ellie was silent. Frozen in fear staring at the blood.

“Ellie…Ellie?!” He said loudly, snapping her out of it, “You hear me?”

“I- I’m on it.” She jumped on the horse and galloped away.

He pulled you so that you were propped up against a tree–he didn't want you to drown in the water you were clearing from your body. He brushed some hair out of your face with his numb fingers–he couldn't even feel the soft strands. Then he started to gather sticks for a fire.

You were in and out of consciousness. You mumbled a few times but never made much sense.

Ellie returned and helped Joel finish building the fire, it needed to be big. He kept repeating that to her.

They set up the tent. Facing it towards the fire so that the heat wafted and was captured underneath. Then he put all the sleeping bags and any fabric they packed inside. By this time Joel was shaking so bad he could barely pick up anything- now all of his appendages were numb. His tremors were now so severe that his speech was broken.

“I’m gonna ge-get all of these wet clothes–off of her, and get her in-inside.”

She nodded, liking the plan so far.

“Listen- I don’t know how to say this a-any other way, but we are going t-to be naked.”

She looked a little put off and confused.

“It’s just for bo-body heat, nothin’ weird.”

“Nothing, weird?”

“You-you know what, I- I mean,” he clenched his fists trying to demand that his body stop shaking.

“Ok so what do you want me to do?”

“I want you…to ta-take the rifle, and be on lo-look out…she has to ge-get warm–”

“Joel…I’ve got this. Just…take care of her..please.”

He nodded in an understanding agreement, if he takes care of you then everything else will be ok.

She picked up the gun and mentally started outlining a perimeter to pace.

He pulled you over to the fire and began to undress you. His hands fumbled with the buttons and he winced when he finally noticed that you were missing a boot. He removed your shirt and jacket, leaving your top half bare. His eyes traced the many forming bruises–nothing near as bad as the last time. Then his hands touched your belt buckle. Visions from mere hours ago when he was unfastening it for a completely different reason flashed before him.

Tears returned and he started sniffing loudly, ‘gah’ he helplessly croaked out as he removed the remaining clothing. Nothing more to note, just more of the same–discolored bruising and small scrapes.

The bleeding on the back of your head was slowing down, though he still wrapped the injury with gauze. The bandage wrapped around and covered the top of your forehead.

He laid you gently on top of a sleeping bag–the tent had a floor but he was trying his best to keep you from the cold ground. Then he put all the other sleeping bags, blankets, and even clothes on top of you. He took off his wet boxers and threw them out of the tent and snuggled as close to you as he could possibly get.

Your skin felt like ice. He hissed at the first contact but without hesitation pulled you to him even tighter. He was truly enveloping your form- legs were entangled, his broad chest and strong arms cocooned around you securely, even his neck and head curled into you. His hands rubbed up and down your back trying to create a warming friction–but you still weren't shivering…you should be shivering.

He didn't know what else to do, and maybe he'd done all that he could do, but that was hard for a man like Joel to accept.

He was warming up quickly, and as he regained some sense of touch, he started to feel your skin beneath his fingertips. You were so very soft, much too soft for hands like these he thought to himself.

Out of nowhere he started talking. He didn't know where it came from, he just opened his mouth and words began pouring out. He wasn't even aware of what he was saying until he heard Sarah's name.

He was telling you about his daughter he then realized.

You had only asked about her twice. Once at the beginning of your relationship when you found out about her for the first time–which led to him wrongly ignoring you for a whole week. And the second was when he screamed her name in a nightmare–he told you to never mention her again, and went for a walk that lasted a whole day. He didn't know why you put up with him.

Last time you were hurt, when he was so scared he was gonna lose you, he told you how she died. And even then, even after he had opened up and said her name for the first time in years, even knowing that he could trust you- that he loved you, he couldn't bring himself to talk about her…that was for some reason until this moment.

He told you about how smart she was, about how kind and funny, and caring. How she loved to make a big deal on his birthday and always found a way to surprise him with incredibly thoughtful gifts. That she loved to cook and take care of him, because she said he deserved to be taken care of.

And as he was telling you all of the wonderful things about his daughter it made him realize that she would have absolutely loved you. The two of you had a lot in common and would have probably harassed him into taking care of himself. His chest felt unbearably tight, he had hurt the both of you by not talking about her–by not talking about her he hadn’t let her memory live on, and by not telling you he had unintentionally kept a huge part of his heart hidden.

Suddenly he felt you. If he weren’t melded to you so tightly he probably wouldn’t have, but he did. You were starting to tremble.

“That's it baby. Warm up for me.”

He kept rubbing your back. He could feel a thin layer of sweat collect between you, it was from him he was certain. He'd gone from cold to warm to quite hot. The fire had heated up the small space in no time at all.

Before long chills started to shake your body and he could hear your teeth chattering. He felt you nuzzle closer to his chest.

“Sweetheart?”

“S’ cold.”

“You'll be warm in a minute.”

“Wha time is…?” your words were slurred.

“Late. We should probably wake up.” he really hoped that you would wake up, or at least seem more alert.

“Yea…”

And then you lost consciousness or fell back asleep one, or maybe both.

An hour or so passed and you were coming down from the worst of your chills. Your teeth were no longer clicking and your skin felt much warmer to the touch.

He felt your head shift to look up.

“Hey,” he smiled, warmly down at you.

“Hi,” you turned your head and took in your surroundings. Saying you were confused was an understatement. “Where are we?”

“You don't remember?” his brows creased and his smile drained from his face.

“I- I remember…ELLIE!” you sat up quickly, he did too.

“It’s ok, she's ok. I promise.” he pulled you into a hug and as your bare breasts brushed against his arm hair you noticed for the first time that you were naked–you both were.

“Joel, what the hell happened?” you asked into the crease of his neck.

He explained everything, and you were slowly able to fill all of the missing holes of your memory–the fall, the battle in the water, the rock that took you out.

“You saved me again,” tears fell from your eyes.

“Sweetheart I’ll save you everyday if you'll let me,” he wiped them away with his thumb, you heard the gauze rustle.

“Wha?” you reached up and felt the bandage seeming to cover your head.

“It’s not as bad as it looks,” he chuckled, “Just a little thing. I might have been…excessive.”

You laughed and the strain of it made you notice the pain in your chest. You placed your hand over your heart and looked at him, obviously confused.

“Yeah…that might hurt for a bit,” he winced. “You- you weren't breathing when I got you out of the water–”

“You had to do CPR!?”

“I did.” he swallowed thickly and looked away.

“Oh, Joel… thank you.” you moved your leg over his lap and straddled him, you grimaced, your body was more battered than you thought. He openly began to weep, sobs wrecked through his body. You rested his head to your chest, and rubbed the back of his head until his breaths calmed and his shaking stopped.

“Ya know, this would be really hot in other circumstances.” you weren't in the mood, not even close. You felt like you had been run over by a truck, you were just trying to lighten the mood. “In a tent, naked with you.”

He chuckled, you felt him smile against you. He turned and kissed your soft supple skin. “I’m so glad you're ok…when you fell, just you can't do that shit.”

You leaned away from him, “What? Save Ellie?”

“Can't just…react. I could have tied something together—”

“If she would have fallen into the water, I would have never forgiven you. You know that right?”

He shook his head, “I never would have forgiven myself but- but darlin’…jesus.”

“I don't want to fight. Not about this and not right now, my head is killing me, but know this Joel Miller- if either one of you ever need saving, and I can, I will.” You grabbed a dry shirt and pulled on over your head. “It isn't something up for discussion, and I won't be talked out of it. You jumped in the water to save me- that was dangerous, we sometimes do dangerous things for the ones we love.” He looked like a kicked puppy but you continued, “If I don’t act, if I sit back and think about it- took time to come up with a plan, and then lost you anyway…then what–then what would be the point?”

You put your hand behind his head and pulled him closer again, whispering against his face, “I know you'd do the same so don't play all high and mighty with me, you will always lose that battle,” you placed a kiss on his lips.

He returned the kiss eagerly. Your lips were chapped but they had never tasted better to him. He pulled you both up so that you were both kneeling, and he pressed your body into his. He wished you hadn't put on the shirt, despite all of the previous contact he still felt like he needed to feel you.

“Joel…” you reluctantly warned into his mouth.

“I know…I know–but god I just want to feel you right now.”

You hummed in agreement and stayed for another minute or two, and then slowly backed out of his embrace. He smoothed back his hair and looked around for his extra clothes. You threw his boxers at his face, he laughed and grabbed you back to him- suddenly catching you off balance and the jerking motion hurt your head.

You hissed and massaged your temple.

“Shit I’m sorry.”

“It's fine..I think I need to lie down.”

“You ok?”

“Yeah, just need a minute.”

“You rest,” he tucked you in and kissed your forehead, “I’m gonna tell Ellie that you're doin’ better.”

“Kay,” you closed your suddenly very tired eyes.

Come morning it was snowing. It was a pleasant snow, the kind that was peaceful to watch with large flakes that floated down to the earth. You had slept straight through the night. Joel and Ellie took turns, taking watch and staying by you. You woke with a ravenous appetite, and ate enough for three meals. Neither of them said a word, in a humorous delight- they just watched you scarf down the food.

They both insisted that you rode the horse on your journey home. You didn't want to, but you would admit that your equilibrium was still somewhat off, and your body was very sore. So you relented and did as they asked.

When you returned to Jackson, the doctor examined you and said that you had a mild concussion and were still experiencing the symptoms from hypothermia, but were otherwise fine. You'd just have to take it easy for a week or two.

A week later you were working back in the armory, this time though you had no complaints.

When you came home, you opened the door and was immediately hit with a delicious aroma, “Joel? Ellie?” you called out a little suspicious. You tended to be this family's chef.

“In the dining room,” Joel responded.

You could hear the two of them whispering hurriedly, and you heard silverware clanking around. When you entered the room your jaw dropped.

They were both dressed up. Joel with a nice dark blue buttoned up shirt that you'd never seen- the sleeves neatly rolled up, dark pants, and his hair looked styled with…what was that gel? Ellie was wearing a white buttoned up shirt, and she had her hair down with one small braid off to the side (you had taught her how to braid her horse's mane and she was getting proud of her skills).

The ambiance was almost romantic, dim with nothing but candles lighting up the room. The table was set like they were expecting royalty and they had a bottle of wine in front of where you usually sat.

Joel moved to your chair and held it out for you, “Your chair Madame.”

“What is this?” you hoped you didn't look as shocked as you felt. You did.

“I made you dinner.” Ellie said proudly, “So sit.”

She left abruptly to retrieve the food.

You chuckled and sat. Joel pushed you in like a gentleman and then placed your napkin in your lap. “Wine Madame?” He was trying to do a french accent but it oddly just sounded somehow even more texan.

You giggled, “Oui Monsieur.”

He laughed, “Am I not garcon?

“A little boy?”

He looked flustered, “Oh…I reckon I don't know much French.” He filled your glass almost to the brim. He looked nervous.

You giggled again, “I don't either.”

Ellie walked in with a massive pot. It was a stew loaded with meat and potatoes. Then she went back to the kitchen and brought out some bread rolls that she learned to make from a sweet old lady.

“Ellie…what is this about?”

“I just– I just wanted to do something special for you. Joel said that you mentioned doing this before and I thought it might be something nice for you. I just…you fucking saved me.”

“Ellie–”

“No, I know. It still just sucks. How do you thank someone for saving your life ya know?”

“Easy.” you smiled lovingly at her.

She tilted her head in curiosity.

“You live yours baby.”

She moved to you quickly, and sat in your lap.You held her tightly, and she pressed into the nook of your neck.

Joel shuffled and stealthily wiped his eyes.

She sat up and looked at you, her eyes were red, “I don't really want to cry any more.”

“Then hop up, and let's eat.”

She hugged you again and then stood.

“Tell me about what you made me.”

She smiled and told you about everything in great detail.

Dinner was immaculate, that sounds over the top but it truly was. Once you had all cleaned your plates she returned to the kitchen and brought out a pie. A pie!!! You don't want to admit it, really you don't, but you ate half of it.

You were so proud of her and kept flooding her with compliments.

When everyone finished, you tried to help clean but they shooed you away. Joel grabbed your plate from you and whispered in your ear, “Go take a shower, I'll be up in a minute,” and gave you a rather passionate kiss.

You ran upstairs and took a very quick shower, your body was throbbing with anticipation. But alas, with belly full wine, pie, bread, and stew- after your warm relaxing shower- laying on your comfy bed that smelled of Joel's masculine scent- with a content mind and body, you fell asleep in record time.

When he entered the bedroom he saw you splayed out on top of the bed. “Sweetheart?” he asked softly- when he heard you deep breaths he immediately knew that you were asleep. It was hard to be disappointed when you looked so beautiful. He softly caressed your cheek, almost in awe of how incredibly lucky he was. He managed to gently maneuver you so that you were under the covers. He tucked you in and kissed the tip of your nose.

Then he unbuttoned his shirt, opened the dresser, and hid the ring back inside.

--------

if I forgot to tag you I am so sorry: @givemeth , @farintonorth

#not for you rae 💖#joel miller x reader #my fics

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nicomundthered · 2 years ago

Text

Kept Hidden

Injured Trilogy- part one | part two | part three

pairing: Joel Miller x fem!reader

summary: made a mistake, and then you try to hide it.

tags/warnings: hurt/comfort, lots of blood and descriptions of injury, mention of suicidal thoughts, mention of character death, I'm not a doctor, established relationship, no horses you say? no horses I say, soft Joel.

word count: 11k | ao3

a/n: I eat this trope up. Hope you enjoy!

masterlist

So the thing is, you knew that you shouldn’t have gone in without Joel. But in your defense, the door was ajar and he seemed close enough behind. You just wanted to get back to Jackson before it started raining again. You normally didn't mind the rain but this was your last house to check and it was getting cold–you didn't care to be both cold and wet. And quite frankly you were tired. It had been a long day and you were so done.

You opened the creaky door and took four maybe five steps into the home and a noise made you jerk in the opposite direction when a man with a bat came charging at you. Unfortunately for you he was quicker and the bat slammed into your side before you could register what was happening.

You fell over the wind completely knocked out of you. You tried to focus on breathing but that was when the sharp nearly blinding pain made itself known. Cursing at the bat, the man, the fact that you entered the building, and unfairly at Joel where the fuck was he? You let out a pained grunt and flipped onto your back. You tried to lift the arm holding the gun but he hit your hand before you could.

The feeling of your hand shattering made you scream. “Pl-please, please don't.” You desperately wheezed out, gripping your injured hand and raising your arms enough to block your face.

He angrily murmured something that you couldn't quite make out, he lifted the bat high above his head and with a wicked gleam in his eyes brought it down. You rolled as quickly as you could, narrowly missing the descending object.

You were gasping for air as you tried to get to your feet but he jumped on top of you, quickly discarding the bat realizing that it was too slow in this situation. Instead, he put both hands around your neck and gripped tightly.

Tears formed in your eyes as you fought under the compression of your windpipe. You clawed at his hands but they were locked and with one good hand you couldn’t do much of anything.

You started seeing dark spots and knew you were about to pass out. Your last thoughts were of Joel and Ellie. What you wouldn’t give for one more night with them by the fire–Ellie reading her jokes and Joel trying to act like he didn’t find them funny. Then later, after Ellie fell asleep, Joel would snuggle up to you. His deep breaths would calm you and you’d place your hand over his heart to feel its steady beat. This was your happy place. This was home.

As last thoughts go this was nice. You felt yourself calm down and prepared to let go. It was surprisingly an easy thing to do as the blood struggled to make it to your oxygen deprived brain.

Your good hand fell by your side grazing something hard and familiar tucked into your jeans, your knife. What the hell were you doing? Giving up before even trying? If you could have laughed you might have.

With the driving need to see your home again you successfully removed the blade, and with all of the strength left in your body you managed to stab the guy in the chest—once, twice, then a third time.

He yelled an expletive and grabbed at the knife as his blood covered you. He quickly gave up realizing that it was too late for him and decided that his last act on this earth was going to be trying to take you with him.

He got two good punches in, you barely even registered the blows landing on your jaw and then cheek due to the euphoric feeling of air filling your lungs, then he collapsed on top of you, the handle of your knife uncomfortably dug into your shoulder. Which brought your attention back to your injured side. The sharp pain was becoming more noticeable.

You desperately tried to roll him off of you. He wasn't large–smaller than Joel but not by much, but each time the pain in your hand became intense or your vision started to get blurry you’d panic and release him, which caused him to land roughly on your abdomen causing you to yell out.

It felt hopeless.

Just as you closed your eyes while you continued to slowly suffocate, you heard your name. It sounded distant. You looked around and couldn’t see anyone. And when you thought that maybe it was a hallucination, a cruel trick your mind was playing on you, you heard it again. This time closer and loud enough to recognize it.

“Joel?” You barely managed to rasp out.

He turned the corner quickly with his rifle. His brown eyes were intense but barely looked your way while he made sure the room was clear.

“I-I can't…” you couldn’t finish the sentence.

Ideally, he would like to check out the rest of the house for more people, but the desperation in your voice and the trail of blood that slowly pooled by your side almost made him shudder and refocus his priorities.

He swung his rifle behind him and threw the man off of you. Even though the man had enough blood on him to confirm his demise, he still had the urge to shoot him and reached for his gun.

Joel was hyper focused. His vision was clear, his breath was quick but deep, his heart was pounding in his ears making them feel like they were stuffed with cotton. He felt feral.

He found that he couldn't bring himself to look at you yet. He needed to eliminate the threat he needed to make sure no one else could hurt you. He found it hard to switch from protector to caregiver–which were two very different modes. And if he was being completely honest, if you were badly injured, if you were dying then his world would come crumbling down. He had experienced that feeling before and he was in no hurry to feel it again. He couldn't. He didn't think he was strong enough for it.

Caution be damned. If someone heard the gun go off then he’d kill them too. And anyone else that dared to threaten your existence. He’d kill them all. He was no longer thinking rationally. He could barely think at all.

The rifle went off twice, the bullets landed into the already dead man's chest. He felt satisfaction as the blood exploded from his motionless body. Pride came with it, you had killed the fucker.

And as soon as he watched the last bullet land he dropped the gun and fell to his knees beside you. His attention was now on you. His ears cleared enough so that he could hear your shallow-wheezing breath. He saw the fear in your eyes as you gripped his arm begging him for help, needing the air to return.

“Easy, easy. Shhh deep breaths,” he took a deep breath in and out trying to guide you through it. The fact that he wasn't sure what was wrong made his blood run cold.

As if you read his thoughts, you lifted your neck and hand gestured a choking motion with your good hand. He then noticed the red and purple colors discoloring your beautiful throat. His hand delicately touched the darkest spot and blinding anger made the muscles in his jaw twitch. He gently moved his hand higher to stroke your swollen cheek.

“Damn,” he sighed. “Jus- just breathe as deep as you can, ok?” You nodded and he lifted your head to lay on the softness of his thigh.

“You hurt anywhere else?”

You lifted your hand.

His eyes glazed over as he took in your swollen bruised hand. He cursed the dead man as he carefully held your hand in his. It was hot and the skin felt tight. It looked like it hurt badly and if it was indeed broken, which it certainly looked like, it would probably be an injury you would carry for the rest of your life.

He was so fucking mad. Not at you. Never at you. He did his best to calm down.

“Is this any of your blood?”

He held his breath. God help him if it was.

You shook your head no and he released all of the air in his lungs. “You did so good baby. I’m so proud of you.”

Your breathing was slowly returning to a calmer and fuller rhythm which allowed you to speak. “A- bat…he had,” you tried to clear your throat. “A bat,” your voice was quiet and hoarse but he was so relieved to hear it.

Joel looked around for the offending object and when he saw the aluminum baseball bat a few feet away he felt his heart begin to race. He gripped your leg a little tighter than he should and his voice was deep and hateful. “Son of a bitch got lucky.” His thoughts flooded with the violent urge to get the bat and smash the man's face in until it was nothing more than a pile of gunk. That's what the man deserved.

You placed your good hand on his and rubbed gentle circles causing him to ease his grip, you knew him so well. “I’m ok Joel.”

It wasn’t that you didn't love this side of him, you loved him and accepted him with all of his imperfections just as he did yours, but you hated when he did this. Took all of the blame. Put too much on himself. Acted like everything bad happened because he wasn't fast enough to see it coming. And you hated that with these thoughts came aggressively dark connotations. He wanted you to believe that he moved on from that and maybe he had for the most part, but not when it came to his family. It truly wasn't something he could help.

You knew that his daughter- Sarah had died. And although you didn't know what it was like to lose a child and you didn't pretend to, you have lost a lot of people you loved as well. So you didn't pretend to be better than that, you understood.

You could see the fear in his eyes now. Your physical wounds would heal, and you knew that his emotional wounds wouldn't. And this would be yet another scar. The inability to protect the ones he loves–his greatest fear. Everytime he failed he lost another piece of himself to his darkness.

Joel would do anything to keep you and Ellie safe. He wanted neither of you to have to see anymore death. For both of you to have a place where you could take off your shoes, and not need a weapon or a backup weapon or a backup for your back up weapon. He often tried to talk you out of going on runs and taking patrol shifts, but that was an argument he'd never win. You were a team and you weren't going to leave him alone.

The color was returning to your face and your breaths were not full but they were enough for you to want to sit up.

He was still staring at the blood covering your midsection as you abruptly became vertical. You gasped at the sharp pain in your abdomen, which you should probably mention, but there wasn't anything he could do about it here. You’d wait until you saw the doctor in Jackson. There was no need to put more worry and unnecessary guilt on him. He battles with that enough as it is, and if you were being honest you were a little more than a little ashamed. If you wouldn't have been so impatient you wouldn't be lying covered in blood, and more injured than you let on.

“Hey easy!”

“I’m fine,” you gritted out defensively as he helped prop you against the wall.

He looked at you skeptically. His eyes continued to study your body. You had the tendency to tell half truths when you were injured. You didn't like the attention and feeling that you were incapable. One day your pride was going to get you into big trouble.

He also knew that you kept your pain hidden from him, especially from him for a reason he didn't understand. He had caught Ellie helping you with cuts and sprains more often than he liked. And he couldn’t for the life of him wrap his head around that. The two of you had been together for years now. He loved you and you loved him and yet, you still felt too guilty that you were–what, human? That you felt pain and bled? That you made mistakes?

You always seemed so ashamed, so embarrassed. Like you were afraid that you somehow had let him down. Which was insane, he just didn't want you hurt. Even if it was by your determination just a little sprain or scrape.

So no, he didn't believe you when you said you were fine. Despite knowing that, he still didn't want to waste time arguing with you. It would be a losing battle for him anyhow, and it would only make you feel worse. But he did have to believe that you were going to be ok to make it back.

“I’ll be ready to go in a minute,” your voice was pure gravel as it pulled him from his thoughts.

“We’ll stay here as long as you need,” he rocked back on his heels and his fingers were flexing where they balanced him to the ground.

You thought that you understood why he couldn't be still–the fear and his feeling of inadequacy, you knew it was the past haunting him—teasing him it will happen again. He was fighting the impending darkness, trying to distract himself from its reality. It filled you with guilt and shame, because you caused this. If you would have just waited. If you would have been more careful, the haunted look that now covered his handsome face wouldn't be there.

“Joel.”

Even though he had seen you injured before, he would admit that this was different. There was something about the blood soaking your clothes. He had never seen you covered in it before. He knew that it wasn’t yours, he had been looking for tears in your shirt, but the image still shook him. There was a constant thrum in his body—his pulse felt loud and he couldn’t keep his damn hands still.

“Joel,” you said as loud as you could manage.

His eyes shot to yours, they were overflowing. Not with tears but raw conflicting emotions– love and fear.

“I’m ok,” you gripped at his trembling hand.

He leaned forward and rested his forehead gently on your own.

“Scared the shit out of me,” he practically whispered, his breath tickling your skin.

“I know. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have...”

He interrupted you by suddenly leaning back so he could look into your eyes, “Not now, ok? Not now.”

“I shouldn’t have gone in without you,” tears flooded your eyes and you gasped almost frantically trying your best not to sob at your own stupidity and pain.

He pulled you to him tightly and you felt the proverbial dam break. You cried hard and snuggled into his neck, tears wetting his jacket. His fragrance gave you a sense of peace encouraging you to breathe fuller. You finally felt safe.

A massive lump formed in his throat, you weren't the only one struggling to breathe. He tried his best to keep his emotions in tact, but he felt the familiar panic begin to creep. The attacks had been happening more frequently and he had yet to tell you about them. This wasn't the time, if it ever would be. This was about your comfort and it wasn't fair to put his own shit on you. He realized that that was hypocritical of him, but he had to be stronger than that.

The only thing grounding him was your warmth and the sound of your breathing. Your body suddenly felt so small to him and delicate. You were always precious to him but you suddenly felt like you were made of glass. He worried that if he squeezed too tight and that you might shatter into a million pieces right in front of him. He thought about how easy it would be for someone larger to hurt you. How easily he could hurt you.

And yet you weren’t the one laying lifeless.

“I got you baby, I got you,” he wasn't even aware that he was muttering promises and endermanets into your hair.

You don’t know how long you stayed in his arms but you did know you were in no hurry to leave his strong embrace. After a while your tears slowed and eyelids grew heavy. Your head pounded and you just wanted to lay back down.

“I need to wrap your hand,” he said slowly unwrapping himself from you, sensing that all of your remaining adrenaline was dwindling and that it was time for action.

He touched your hand as carefully as possible. It looked worse than it had a few moments ago—almost double in size and a few shades darker than your skin tone. He took out his handkerchief and wrapped it loosely. It wouldn’t do much but he figured that it was better than not doing anything, and that simply wasn't an option.

You hissed and he frowned in sympathy.

“Just until we get you to the Doctor,” he said more to himself than to you.

You caressed his cheek with your uninjured hand. His face relaxed as his bloodshot eyes closed and he leaned into your palm giving a firm lingering kiss.

“Joel-“

“Yeah sweetheart?” He mumbled into your palm.

“Let’s not tell Ellie about this. It’s hard enough to keep her-“ you coughed unexpectedly and it made you wince.

Joel witnessed it all and his eyes narrowed as he observed you, “I think she might notice.” He looked at your bruised cheek and neck. Not to mention your busted hand. You might could lie to her about one of these things but not all three.

You cleared your throat but it didn’t do much good and spoke slowly. “I just…I don’t want her feeling like she needs to do this. I just talked her out of going on these runs until she's a little older and now she's not gonna let us go alone. She's so young Joel and I don’t want her getting hurt trying to- to protect me…or something. You already do too much and-“

He said your name firmly, “Stop. Don’t you fucking dare.” He sat up straight and ran his hand over his face. He didn’t want to have this conversation. It was ridiculous. You were his to care for. Didn’t you know that?

It wasnt that you couldnt take care of yourself and you have done a good job of that your whole life. You just happened to be a little unlucky is all, and to be fair this was by far your worst injury. But given the circumstances you'd say you've done alright for yourself.

“I have told you time and time again, we are a family. You, me, and Ellie.” His eyes searched yours seeing if you were listening. “I would do anythingin the world for either of you.”

You turned, avoiding eye contact with him. The love that he had for you felt too much at times. In fact it completely overwhelmed you. It was hard to accept that someone could love you this much. It took awhile for him to admit his feelings to you but once he did it was like watching a flower bloom. He poured his love out and in doing so got back some of his past self. It made him feel happier like a weight was lifted from his shoulders. He absolutely loved loving you, and caring for you. It gave his life meaning, it made him feel human again, something that he hadn't felt in decades.

However, the downside was he still had his thorns–your relationship had only made them sharper and along with that came a protective side that was lethal.

In return, you were afraid that you couldn’t properly convey how much he meant to you. You weren't a flower, you had worn your affection for him with every glance you gave. With his confession you hadn't blossomed, you became grounded–more like the roots of a tree than a flower. Your feelings didn't change outwardly, you still looked at him the same, but on the inside, deep down in your soul everything had become safe and stable since Joel Miller had entered your life. You for the first time since the outbreak felt peace.

You would die for him just as fast as he'd die for you. Even though you doubt he would believe that, or maybe he just wouldn't want to. Of course he knew you loved him but he didn't understand just how much. It was more than just a love, it had become a need. A selfish need to see him everyday, to hear his smooth calming voice, to feel his strong hands on you. Your day felt empty without it. Sometimes you felt like you needed him more than he needed you, and feared that with his past loss one day he’d wake up and realize you weren’t worth the pain. Especially if you kept getting injured.

“Hey-” he said, breaking you out of your anxious thoughts. “Look at me.”

You turned your head slowly. His eyes locked on to yours, “I don’t know what more I can do to convince you. Tell me and I’ll do it.”

“I know you love me.”

“Do you?”

You shook your head yes.

He didn’t look happy, “Do you love me?”

“Of course I do!” You spoke as loud as your voice would allow. You coughed again, this time it was deeper and sounded wetter. It took longer for you to return to normal.

His brows furrowed, “Easy, hey easy. I believe you.” His hand caressed your shoulder. “Don’t speak just nod, ok?”

You nodded in confirmation.

“Listen- I- I know you. And I know you don't want to believe it, but I…I’m scared of the man I'd be without you.”

“Don’t say...”

“Quiet,” he said firmly with a little rawness. “Don't get yourself worked up- just listen.”

You nodded that you would.

“When I lost Sarah...”

You reached out and touched his hand and with eyes full of fresh tears you shook your head no. God he didn't have to do this now.

“No. I- I-...It’s ok. It’s time, I just need you to understand something,” he turned his hand over and held yours tenderly. “She died because of my mistakes. She was shot and I-” he swallowed thickly. “I- couldn't save her. That was on me, her father. She trusted me to keep her safe. She trusted me with her life and I couldn't even give her that. The most simple thing I could have done.” He shook his head in disbelief, “...and, my one job- and I failed her,” he clinched and then unclenched his jaw.

“After- I went completely…there was nothing. Couldn't cry. Could barely eat–I didn't want to. So I decided that I- had had enough. Enough of it all…I couldn't see a point without her. Without her smile, there was no sun anymore and- and so I- grabbed my gun…”

You tensed and sucked in a deep breath. He lifted your hand so that your fingertips touched the raised flesh on his forehead.

“I missed.”

Tears fell from your eyes.

“Thank god I missed.” He brought your hand to his mouth and pressed his lips to your knuckles. It wasn't a kiss so much as him needing to just feel your skin.

He said your name when you turned away and your hand fell, unable to look at his pained expression any longer. You felt that you had to be strong for him but you found it very difficult. He was finally sharing with you his darkest moment, something that you had wondered about since you got to know him– you never tried to pry, if he didn’t want you to know you could live with that. It was his memory to share and you would die not knowing if that’s what he wanted. It wouldn’t change how you felt about him.

You had just wanted to know all parts of Joel. The good and the bad. Maybe even especially the bad, because that's the part he's let motivate and mold him into the man he is today. Not that you've ever blamed him for that. You didn't know what you'd do if you lost Joel or Ellie–you didn't know who you'd become. But this, this you honestly weren't expecting.

You hated that with this knowledge, it felt like both a relief and a massive burden. He had now bared his soul to you but in doing so he had just unintentionally placed something on you that was unfair. You didn’t want to feel like the catalyst, like the ticking time bomb waiting to explode and kill what he'd finally gotten back. You didn’t want that on your conscience and you were sure he wasn't even aware of what he'd done, but it frightened you.

And as he sat before you now–with those deep brown eyes boring into yours, you all of the sudden selfishly wished that he hadn't shared. It felt too much, too serious, too final. Your head started pounding and the pain in your hand became more apparent.

“And now, twenty years later I’ve been given a second chance- at love, at life. I know accepting that is hard for you- I get it, but even if you can't accept it- don't you ever, ever doubt it.”

He gently grabbed your chin and moved your face so that you were inches away looking up at him, “Because, I- I can’t fail you.”

He pressed his lips to yours. It was quick and gentle, and then he rested his forehead back onto yours.

Whereas he felt a sudden peace you were almost panicking. “You- you won’t. You couldn’t. Even- even if something happened…”

He said your name, “Please…”

“Let me,” you leaned back and he followed only this time he was the one dreading the eye contact. “You would have to keep going.”

He didn't respond.

“Joel you'd have to. If not for me then for Ellie.”

He sighed. “I can't make that promise to you. I- I wish I could but I can't. I’m stronger now, I know I am. You've helped me be that, but if…if you left me- I don’t know.”

“Can you promise me that you'd try?” You knew that wasn't far, but you had to hear it. You couldn't bear the thought of him hurting himself over you and you knew that the next time, if there ever was one, he wouldn't miss.

He nodded yes that he would try.

“Ok.”

“Ok?” He asked not believing that you would just accept him like that. That you would just hear the darkest part of him and still love and respect him. That you understood him, even with all of his darkness, and after his admission you now knew it all.

You nodded but then your cough returned violently.

“I told you not to speak and now look at you,” he frowned, his concern starting to rear its ugly head again, and he stood up deciding it was time to leave.

“We need to get you home,” he walked over and picked up your gun and stuck it in his pants, and then pulled your knife from the man’s chest, wiped it off and tucked it back into your pants. “You ready?”

He was overwhelmed by the sudden urge to get you out of the house. It was too cold and he didn't want you breathing anymore of the musty air.

He slowly helped you up and stilled when you groaned out. The blood rushed to your head and you swayed.

“I gotchu,” he held you steady as your world slowly righted itself.

After a few moments you nodded indicating that you were ready. He took off his jacket and placed it over your shoulders, and swung his gun back onto his back.

“I don’t ne–”

“It's getting colder and it's gonna rain.” You stared at him about to argue when he said, “I’ll be fine. You know the cold doesn't bother me.”

You scoffed knowing that it was a losing battle. He complained about the cold as often as you did.

He helped you to the door and you found that you couldn't stand up straight. That was fine though as long as you could walk you were good. Jackson was only about four miles away. It would only take an hour, maybe two if you had to slow down. You could make it.

You had to.

Thirty minutes later, you were moving as fast as your legs could but your side hurt. And for the first time since the injury you were actually worried. The pain was sharp and deep, and it felt like you had a sack of rice draped over your chest, making it very difficult to breathe. Though what concerned you the most was after your last round of coughing, you had tasted blood.

Joel was a couple of steps ahead, clearing the way, just in case the man in the cabin wasn't alone. You knew that his confession took a lot out of him, hell it took a lot out of you, but now he was focused on getting you home. Whereas before you felt like you had all of the time in the world now you felt pressured to continue.

Each step felt heavier than the last, and your pace was slowing dramatically but you still didn't call out. You had to dig into something deep within you–keep moving, keep moving, you can't be his bomb.

Another few minutes pass and you're still not even at the halfway point. It's beginning to rain, and you believe it's mixed with sleet. You can hear the soft pattering as it hits the fallen leaves.

Despite your chills you're sweating now. You can feel it dripping down the back of your neck. You can no longer feel the pain in your hand, probably thanks to Joel’s wrapping–or at least you hoped that was why. But you did have the worst sore throat of your life. And your side felt too big- swollen with its own heartbeat.

The ground was slick from the rain and you stumbled a few times. You start shaking from fear or shock, you aren’t sure. When you coughed this time you had to bend over. It was loud and intense, it echoed through the trees as it brought you to your knees.

Joel continued ahead. He felt that he had to keep moving. Everything would be fine once you got home. He had to believe that.

He had a feeling that something more was wrong. He observed you, he specialized in you. But the fear within him, the fear that he’d fail someone he loved yet again…it made his chest hurt. It made him want to pick you up and run. He needed to get you to safety.

But when he heard that cough, the one that had taken you to the ground, he turned and ran to you. His heart almost stopped entirely when he saw how you were shaking, and when he saw the new blood beading the arm of his jacket he fell to his knees with you.

“How long?” he barely managed to rasp out.

“I’m f-fine,” you spoke so softly that you almost couldn't be heard over the rain.

Joel sighed in disapproval as your name left his lips. “Why would you lie to me?”

You looked up at him, blood coated your teeth and bottom lip. “There's noth– nothing you can do…I-I didn't want to…worry you.”

The words that your hoarse voice barely managed to rasp out mixed with the sight of you chilled him to the bone. He would rather be eaten alive by clickers than to be in this hell he was in now.

“Baby...”

You turned your head and coughed again, so violently that your face turned a deeper shade and the veins in your forehead protruded. Blood sprayed out from your mouth with every cough and you suddenly felt very tired.

He held onto you from your side and he could feel the effort required for each breath. He could feel the tremors, and scarier still- he could smell the metallic twang of your blood.

When you finally calmed down, it felt like hours to him but it was no more than a couple of minutes, he hauled you up not wanting you to be in the cold mud for another second.

“I'm going to have to look at you, ok?”

You feebly nodded. His hand reached for the bottom of your shirt and you grabbed his hand stopping him. You looked at him ashamed as you mouthed the words ‘I’m so sorry Joel’.

When he watched your beautiful lips make those words he stilled, his eyes shifting between yours. He was stabbed with an intense fear that made him want to collapse. His eyes didn't leave yours. What he was searching for he didn't know, but he needed something. It was like he didn't believe how serious it was, like he was waiting for you to laugh or smile.

He placed both hands on either side of your face and handled you a little rougher than he intended. He didn't hurt you but the intensity was definitely there.

“You are going to be ok?”

Your eyes wandered, you didn't want to alarm him but you were terrified. You were beginning to think that maybe you wouldn't be.

He said your name, “Look at me. I said you are going to be ok. You hear me?”

You start crying again but you still nodded with more conviction this time, for his sake.

“It's not much further, we will go slow and take as many breaks as you need–then we'll getchu home and warmed up by the fire, alright?”

You nodded again. You recognized what he was doing, and appreciated it. But as much as you wanted to cuddle in front of the fire with Joel, honestly all you wanted was a doctor.

He placed a kiss on your forehead and he backed away trying to swallow the lump in his throat. He wanted to fall on his knees and scream up at the heavens. This isn't fair, this wasn't right. Though he stayed strong, because for all he knew, maybe it wasn't that bad.

The problem was though, it was that bad.

You reluctantly let him slowly lift your shirt. You turned your head so you couldn't see his reaction. You didn't want to, you knew what was probably there and you didn't think you were strong enough to watch his face as he saw the hidden injury.

You wanted to fuss at him and say you were ‘fine let's go, we are wasting time’ but you physically couldn't. You wanted to jog ahead playfully and ask ‘what was taking so long’ but you couldn't. You wanted to remove the furrow of his brow and the frown of his mouth but you couldn't.

Your shirt was still wet with your attacker’s blood and rain. It was clinging to your skin which made the reveal even more traumatizing for Joel. Last time he’d touched a bloody abdomen that wasn't his own, it was his dying daughters.

“Fuck,” he wasn’t aware he choked out.

Your right rib cage was extended—swollen like a football and so dark of a purple it was almost black. He let his fingertips lightly graze the swollen area. It was hard and felt hot to the touch.

Your involuntary tremors made him snap out of it and he let go of your shirt and put his hands on your shoulders

“We have to get going. Ok?”

You mouthed, ‘how bad?’

“It’s not bad, we just need to get home before dark.”

You looked at him knowingly, it was his serious expression that told you the truth.

‘Joel?’ You silently persisted. Needing to hear it from his own admission. If you were dying you wanted to know.

He tilted his head down and took a deep steadying breath then returned to you, “It’s…it’s not good baby. Some ribs are broken I—I think and it’s so purple, I think it’s internal bleeding but—but I don’t know. I think maybe your lung…” he swallowed and did his best to steady himself, “I think a rib might–might have punctured your lung. I’ve never seen…we need to get you back.”

His voice sounded foreign to his own ears, too weak and soft for the moment. It sounded like he had given up but that couldn't be further from the truth. His chest hurt. His shoulders were shaking from anxiety and his heart was racing dangerously.

Tears were streaming down your face, blending with the now pouring rain. You smiled sadly– 'Told you, nothing you can do.’

He made a sound you never wanted to hear from him again. If you had to describe it, and you really didn't want to, it sounded like a strangled sob.

He pulled your good side to him and held you for a moment, more for him than you. He needed to feel you, as a reminder that you were here, that you were still warm and alive.

The half embrace helped you as well. Maybe you had been walking too fast, because this break had helped you breathe, you hadn’t had the urge to cough in awhile.

“Alright let’s go real slow. You just focus on your breathing,” he put your arm around his neck and put his arm under your arm. He braced you taking most of your weight so that you just barely had to move your legs.

You didn’t struggle for another fifteen minutes after, but then you felt the cough coming and tapped his arm. He stopped immediately and held you up. Your legs wobbled as the cough took almost everything that you had. You felt extremely sore as the sharpness from your broken rib poked at your organs. The blood returned and so did the wheezing.

“I’ve got you…I’ve got you.” His face grew pale as he saw the amount of blood coming out of you.

You looked up at him, blood dripping from the corner of your mouth and mouthed ‘tired.’

“I know baby, I am too but we still have a little ways to go. We need to hurry though because we don't want to worry Ellie.”

He held you tighter and took more of your weight, practically dragging you alongside of him.

You tried honestly you did, but your feet felt like lead and your eyes were refusing to stay open. The struggle to breathe was returning and you started to feel cold.

The rain continued to pour. The mud was starting to stick to Joel's boots making him have to pick up his feet a little higher. If you were to look behind you'd see trail marks from you not being able to pick up your feet.

A few more minutes of struggling, and with a little more than a mile to go, you tugged at his arm.

He slowly came to a stop and looked at you.

The color was gone from your face and you could barely hold your head up. ‘I can't’, you silently stated. You were by now too weak to cough. The rattling in your chest had grown louder and wetter, and the pain in your side was becoming unbearable, irritated by each tug as he pulled you along. You just wanted to lay down. You felt your body give up.

“It's ok.”

You frowned and if you had any tears left they would begin to fall but you were empty. You feared you had nothing left in you, and really didn't want to die this close to Jackson. That would be cruel and pathetic.

You wanted to tell him to go ahead and get help, that you'd wait for him, that you would do your best to stay awake. But you knew that was pointless–he would never leave you.

“I’m proud of you. You made it so far.” He kissed the top of your head. Then he moved in front of you, and turned his back, “Hold on to me.”

You wrapped your arms around his neck–low enough to where you don't choke him, and grimaced as you squeezed your bad hand too tightly but didn't let go. You put all of your remaining energy into holding on.

He grabbed a hold of your legs and brought them around to hug his waist, then he wasted no time and started trudging through the muck as fast as he could. He could feel your trembling body and because of how close your mouth was to his ear, he could hear every gasp for air. It sounded scary but it was comforting, he prayed it didn't stop.

The weather was only getting worse and he felt that that fit the mood appropriately, because something this bad couldn't happen on a beautiful day. The rain was falling so heavily now that it affected his visibility. You were both soaked, even his boots sloshed with water.

There was a road that led straight to Jackson. It wasn't usually busy and only really got a handful of visitors a year, most people would turn back before even trying to get in after they saw the armed guards. That was the quickest way back, but both of his hands were currently preoccupied by holding your legs, so he couldn't defend you if need be. So even though it was much harder on him he opted to stay hidden in the safety of the trees.

By his determination, if he could keep up this pace, you'd be home in thirty minutes.

“How are you doing back there?” He asked. He had been avoiding speaking too much because he needed all the air he could get. He wasn't exactly young anymore and although you weren't heavy to him–he still needed to be smart with his stamina.

You didn't respond.

“Baby, if you can hear me move your leg.”

Nothing.

Shit he thought, picking up his pace. He still heard your rattled breathing but losing consciousness was never a good sign.

It began to thunder and the wind started picking up. The temperature was dropping fast.

And just as he was thinking about how the weather was currently mirroring the turmoil within him, he felt your grip loosen. He reacted quickly enough to lean forward so you wouldn’t fall from his back.

The sounds of the storm made it so he could no longer hear your breath and at the loss of that sound, meant he'd lost all signs of your life.

He fell to his knees instantly and as carefully as possible, turned and laid you on the ground. He quickly leaned forward and hovered his good ear over your mouth. It took an agonizingly long time but he heard it there, the faint sound of your sluggish breath.

He sobbed out in relief and did his best to collect himself. He took just a second to look down at you. You were so hauntingly beautiful at that moment. Blood diluted by the rainwater lightly streamed out from your mouth. A few strands of hair were stuck to your face. He moved them carefully like with one false move and you'd be gone.

Now that he couldn’t talk to you, all he wanted to do was tell you how much he loved you, and vowed to himself that if you survived he’d tell you everytime he thought it.

He moved to cradle you in his arms and once he had a good grip, he slowly stood up. His lower back protested with an achy twinge of a past injury, but he could care less. He was getting you home no matter if he was broken in half.

Carrying you this way was more of a challenge. It was harder on his body to do so but also he could see just enough of your face to make him constantly on the verge of breaking down. Despite the paleness of your face, bruising of your cheek, and the blood dribbling out from your mouth, you looked peaceful. And that scared him so bad he almost couldn't deal with it.

Every fiber of his being wanted to run and now after really thinking about it, it was fucked up that the weather was so bad. Winter was a few months away and he had not experienced a rain like this since being in Wyoming. So naturally on all days that it could happen it had to be today.

His arms, back, and legs were on absolute fire but he was getting close now. He could see the buildings in the distance.

With a new found surge of energy he picked up his pace. The motion jostled you and you grunted in pain.

“I know, I know but we are almost there. Just hold on for me.”

When he got you to the entrance he yelled out as loud as he could, “Help! Somebody helppppp!”

Tommy who had been patrolling came running and was the first one to see Joel with his arms full of you. He tried to help his brother by taking you from Joel's arms, but Joel jerked you away from him.

“Get the doctor! Go- GO!” His voice was rough but loud enough to send chills down Tommy’s spine.

He had only heard that voice one other time. He took a giant step back and tried his best not to think of another day long ago. He looked at you and got that eerie familiar feeling. Joel looked ready to yell again so Tommy wasted no more time and sprinted ahead calling out for the doctor.

Just as Joel made it to the old clinic, he could see the doctor running down the street putting her hair up as she yelled out for him to go around back.

She met him there and quickly opened the door which led directly to her operating room. She cleaned her hands as he laid you on the table.

If he hadn't just heard your soft puffs of air he would think that you were dead. In fact the doctor did assume you were and checked for a heartbeat.

Tommy and Maria came barging through the other door, he was panting for air and she was looking at you with such anguish.

“How is she?” Maria asked quickly.

You, Maria, and Tommy really got along. The four of you spent a lot of time together. You'd go to the movies and eat dinner as a double date. They loved you. So much that Joel often found himself feeling like the odd man out. He just wanted to be around you, he no longer cared if that was selfish.

“She has a heartbeat, that's all I know so far.” The doctor's voice was smooth and feminine, though urgent.

Joel then realized that he wasn't being any help. He was just standing there with his arms slightly raised forward like he was expecting for you to be placed back into them. You weren't out of the woods yet just because he got you to the doctor. The next step of your recovery has begun and he needs to get his head on straight. His recuperation couldn’t begin until after you were stable–until after you were home and in his arms.

“She–she um…” His voice didn't sound like his own, too weak and desperate sounding. It sounded like he was about to break down. He realized this and pushed his wet hair back out of his face and straightened his shoulders. He calmed his breathing and his thoughts and spoke much more assuredly. “She was attacked with a baseball bat. Her side is bad and her- her hand. He tried to strangle her, but it's–it’s her side.”

The doctor didn't even look up at him as he spoke. Her sole focus was on you. She had already determined that you had been choked and beaten–your swollen face and neck was more than enough evidence to determine that. She noticed your labored breathing but had assumed that it was from the trauma to your windpipe.

She lifted up your shirt to examine your side, and quickly instructed, “We need to get her clothes off.”

Joel rushed to your side almost protectively and assisted the doctor in removing his jacket from you. Tommy and Maria stripped you of your boots and socks, they both finished and looked up when Joel cut your shirt open. He fought the urge to shield you from their view.

Maria gasped, one hand flew to her mouth as tears filled her eyes, and the other landed on her belly in an unconscious attempt to self soothe. Tommy wrapped his arm around her and pulled her in close.

Joel had to quickly construct a wall around his emotions–or else he would be useless in the moment. His eyelids slightly lowered as he blocked out their reactions. He only waited for the next task that the doctor gave him.

She prodded and poked you, but you didn't respond.

Then she looked up and turned to Tommy. “I need Amber and Michael.” They were her two assistants. Amber had been a nurse and she had been training Michael for a couple of years now.

He nodded and ran out.

Maria had composed herself and reached for your belt buckle. Joel responded negatively to that and pushed her hands out of the way and took over. She took no offense to it and got out of his way. He had your belt undone and your wet pants off quickly–an act that he was now an expert at.

Tommy, Amber, and Michael all came flying in and crowded around you. Joel was glued to the spot but all of these eyes on you made him uncomfortable, it was like he was no longer present in the moment, like some animalistic instinct was begging to take over- protect, protect.

“Joel?”

“Joel!” Tommy shook him and Joel swatted his arm away from him roughly.

Tommy understood Joel and had seen him at his absolute worst so he didn't take it to heart, but he was worried for his older brother. He was acting like he did after Sarah's death and you were still alive.

“The doc wants us out.”

Joel shook his head profusely–not a chance.

Tommy practically begged him but he wasn't listening. He was just watching them working on you. It was like everything was happening in a daze. All of the motions blurred together and any sound that he did hear sounded like it was far away. Time slowed down and he ignored his brother tugging at his arm.

A loud knock made Joel snap out of it. His eyes were dry from staring and he blinked rapidly in an attempt to wet them.

Nobody had responded to the knocking, everyone was either too busy working on you or too busy worrying over you.

The door swung open so aggressively that the door handle loudly hit the wall behind it chipping the painted brick. Ellie came barging in, eyes wide and cheeks flushed.

She saw Joel covered in blood, and a look in his eyes that she didn't recognize. “What the fuck happened?” She said as she looked from Joel over to you. Her voice was as strong as ever but her eyes flooded with tears and her mouth slightly opened.

When she looked at him again and saw the mirrored pain in his own eyes. Not knowing what to do, she ran to his arms and hugged him tightly.

His weak excuse of a wall came crashing down as he held on to her for dear life.

It was only then that Maria and Tommy were able to herd them out of the room.

As they waited Joel did his best to fill them in on what all happened, or at least everything that he knew. He didn't really feel like talking. Ellie was livid and full of random questions about your attacker. Questions that he had no clue about. They didn't even really matter but it was her mind trying to make sense of why someone would dare hurt you.

There were two chairs in the now deemed waiting area. Two chairs that neither Joel nor Ellie touched. They simply paced, and paced, and continued pacing. At one point Ellie was overwhelmed with emotion and swiped the contents of a nearby shelf clean off. Joel didn't bat an eye.

Tommy stood solemnly and Maria eventually took one of the chairs. He had told her a few times that they should go home, that she was pregnant and needed her rest, but she didn't say a word–just gave him a look that could kill.

It was mid morning by the time the doctor came out. Her shirt was splattered with your blood and she was drying her hands on a towel. She looked exhausted. Joel and Ellie ran up to her and Maria stood by Tommy.

She explained that it was broken ribs, collapsed lung, and she had tried to operate on her hand, but Joel couldn’t clearly understand anything past she's stable.

She put the towel over her shoulder and stretched her neck from side to side. “They are cleaning her up and then you guys can see her. She’s going to be in a lot of pain for a while, but I do believe she's going to be ok.”

Maria let out a ‘thank god’ and embraced her husband, who also looked quite thankful.

Joel and Ellie though stared in disbelief. Until they saw you they wouldn't get their hopes up. Not that they didn't trust the doctor–they just had prepared for the worst and needed to see you.

After twenty minutes Michael came out and told them they could see you now. Maria insisted that Ellie and Joel go in first. She knew they needed to be alone with you.

The room seemed too bright and the sterile smell was so strong it was almost nauseating. “Oh shit.” Ellie said as the sight before her surprised her.

Joel also couldn't believe his eyes. He didn't know what he had expected but it wasn't this.

You were slightly propped up on the bed, your skin pale and lifeless. Your torso was heavily wrapped all the way down to your pelvis. There was a thin sheet covering your legs and feet. And your hand was placed elevated on a pillow beside you.

But what had caught them off guard was Amber sitting by your side holding a hand held pump, manually pumping air into your lungs.

Amber smiled sweetly at the pair that she couldn't believe were not actual father and daughter. “I know it looks scary, but this won't have to be done for long. It's just making it easier on her lungs right now, she can breathe without it.”

Neither said a word. They just stared.

“I'll give you guys some alone time.”

She stopped pumping and got up to leave when Ellie ran over and started pumping. “Are you fucking crazy?”

“Ellie!” Joel fussed. Even though he felt the same.

“No, it's ok. Like I said she’ll be fine without it…Do you want me to show you how to do it?”

Ellie nodded and listened intently to Amber's instructions.

“I’ll be right outside if you need me.”

And just like that, the three of you were alone.

Joel stood still for a moment, then made his way over to your good side. He took your uninjured hand in his. He fixated on the blood and dirt beneath your nails. He wanted to clean them for you, he wanted to wipe every trace of yesterday from you.

Your hand felt warmer than he assumed it would and that gave him some hope. Even though it didn't seem like you were alive, you were.

Ellie was talking to you while pumping at the precise interval she was taught. Telling you how thankful she was that you were ok and what all you were going to do together when you got out of here.

But Joel found that he couldn't speak. In fact he couldn't think of a single thing to say to you except I love you. And he wasn't going to keep muttering that, he'd tell you when you woke. No, he found the idea of talking to you right now somehow wrong.

A few minutes later Maria and Tommy came to see you. Their visit was very short but they both told you how much you meant to them. Before they left they tried to get Ellie and Joel to go home and rest, especially Joel who was still wet and muddy, but Ellie just said ‘not a chance’ and Joel didn't even bother to respond.

The next day Maria had convinced Ellie that you weren't going anywhere and invited her to stay at her place. She knew that being in an empty home surrounded by your things must be hard. Ellie accepted, because that was what she was thinking as well.

Tommys battle was a little more challenging but he eventually got Joel to go home and shower and change. He still refused food but had gulped down three bottles of water.

Joel had not left you after that.

They stopped pumping air into you the following day. Though they still checked on your lungs with a stethoscope every couple of hours. Your breathing had improved dramatically and the doctor had decided to attempt a second surgery on your hand. It went well and she was able to repair more than she thought she'd be able to.

The day after that she decided that your lungs were strong enough and it was time to cut back on your pain medication, it was time for you to wake up.

On the third day since your injury you woke up.

There was nothing and then there was everything. You slowly blinked open your eyes and were at first very confused. You felt pain and then you felt a warmth in your hand. You lifted your head stiffly, looked down and saw Joel. He was almost half draped on the bed, your hand lovingly wrapped in his own.

He was breathing heavily, deep in slumber but you knew he'd want you to wake him. You opened your mouth to speak but not a sound came out. Your brows furrowed and you tried again…nothing. So you squeezed his hand.

He shot up immediately like you'd just pressed his power button.

He blinked a few times like he didn't trust his eyes.

‘Hi,’ you mouthed and smiled at him lovingly.

“Hi,” he said as warmth and disbelief filled his eyes. He held your hand to his chest and returned your smile.

He stood up suddenly, “They need to check you.”

You gripped his hand tighter and shook your head, ‘stay.’

“They need to make sure you’re ok baby.”

‘I’m fine.’

He choked out a laugh through his sudden relieved tears, “No, no you aren't.”

You frowned, was there something you didn't know?

“...but you will be.”

You sat back in relief, wincing as a pain shot through your side.

“Let me get somebody. You're in pain.”

You didn't let go of his hand, if anything you held even tighter.

He said your name to try and convenience you but first he needed to tell you something. “I- I love you. God, I love you.”

You smiled with tears in your eyes, ‘I love you too Joel.’

You had to stay in the hospital for another ten days. You felt dirty, miserable and restless but the pain was at times severe, so much to Joel’s disbelief you didn't really complain about having to stay. That worried him at first but he was also thankful because he wanted you there for however long the doctor felt you needed to be.

Your side still hurts, in fact it really hurts, each movement makes you gasp out in pain. Joel’s always there to help–it's sweet but at times a little suffocating. The swelling in your throat has gone away but you still struggle speaking. Your voice is hoarse it sounds like a croak, and so you stick to one word responses. You don't do much with your hand. It was the least life threatening of your injuries, though, it does secretly concern you a lot.

On the day Joel walked you home from the hospital the sky was baby blue and the sun was beaming brightly. It was a comfortably warm day which was special because it was normally much cooler around this time of year.

His arms were wrapped around you and it reminded you of a much scarier time about two weeks ago now. He didn't say much the whole journey, much too absorbed by similar thoughts.

He helped you up the stairs and when you entered your home you were flooded by the familiar comforting smell. It smelled of the three of you. You were so relieved to be back, for a while you weren't sure that you'd make it back.

The only thing missing was Ellie. You looked up at Joel and opened your mouth to ask where she was.

He read your questioning gaze effortlessly and before you could speak he said. “She's still at Tommys.”

You shook your head, though you'd be lying if you said it didn't hurt you a little. Home wasn't complete without her.

He led you to the shower and helped you bathe. He had Ellie pick you up some of your favorite soap the day before in preparation. It smelled of goat's milk, honey, and wildflowers. His touch was gentle but firm enough to feel like he was really cleaning you, which you were thankful for.

When his hand trailed over the green and blue bruise that still covered your side he sighed and carefully brought your body to his. He pressed his forehead to yours and shut his eyes. Water trailed down his wet hair and ran down your body. Your good hand caressed the back of his head and you shifted, lifting up to give him a kiss on his beautiful lips.

You looked up at him and it almost ended him. You were here in his arms, kissing him, smiling at him.

“Joel.” You were proud of how composed that sounded.

His hands caressed your face lovingly and he kissed you again, much firmer but not at all rough. He lifted his head and looked into your moisture filled eyes and said softly, “I love you.”

He washed your body twice, thoroughly. Not just because he loved the feeling of your soft skin, but because he knew that you had felt disgusting after not being able to for so long. He wanted to make sure that you felt pristine.

He asked if you were hungry and you nodded no that you werent, which was true. You were just physically tired, this was as much as you've moved in awhile and your body wasn’t used to it.

“Cold.” You whispered into his ear as he was placing one of his shirts over your head. You weren't really cold, after the shower you were actually quite warm, you just wanted to be in his arms.

Your breath hitting his neck made him shudder involuntarily. “I got you.” he whispered back.

He picks you up slowly, careful of all of your injuries and carries you down stairs and lays you on the ground in front of the fireplace. Then he gets all of the pillows and blankets he can find and makes a comfortable nest around you. He builds the fire and lights it and then lays down beside you, bringing your good side firmly to his. He sighs contentedly as you lay your head on his chest and he presses his nose into your hair inhaling your scent.

“This is what I’ve been wanting.”

“Fire?” You messed with him.

He chuckled. He felt all of the stress begin to leave his body for the first time in fourteen days. His shoulders lowered in relaxation and the lines on his face softened.

“You. You’ve been what I’m wantin’.”

You looked up and demanded the words to come out. “You have me.”

He kissed your forehead and snuggled back into you. His eyes closed quickly and before you knew it he was sleeping soundly.

You weren’t really tired, not mentally at least. You did feel incredibly content though. His breath and the crackling of the fire soothed you and despite the dull ache in your hand and side, you felt ridiculously comfortable.

You shifted slowly so that you could look at him. He looked so at peace, your guardian angel—your protector—your love. You were filled with so much affection that your chest ached.

Everyday since your injury you often found yourself thinking about what he went through to get you home and what a lonely hell that must have been. It wasn’t completely your fault but you still felt incredibly guilty about it. He saved you, and one day if you were ever put in the situation, you hoped that you could save him in return.

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#not for you Rae 💖#joel miller x reader #joel miller x you #joel miller x female reader #my fics

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