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milo-my-beloved · 2 years ago

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things we don't say

A continuation of the some other life 'verse.

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Chapter Seven: The Night We Met

"How was your weekend?" Nikolai asks as soon as Inej steps through the door of The Little Palace on Monday morning.

"Oh, you know." She shrugs, tying her apron around her waist. "I planned and successfully pulled off a heist, performed with my ex-boyfriend to a room full of the richest people in Kerch, was maid of honour at a wedding, and threw an upstanding mercher out of my friend's house."

Nikolai stares at her for a few seconds. "Not much, then. Zoya, honey, come and listen to the list of crimes your best barista has committed over the weekend, so I don't gaslight myself into believing his conversation never happened."

Zoya raises an eyebrow. "Please, describe how your life is more interesting than mine."

Inej curses the fact it's Nina's day off, but tells them anyway. She tries to focus on Wylan and Jesper — their wedding was the reason behind the heist, anyway — but she can't miss Zoya's incredulous expression and Nikolai's smirk every time she mentions Kaz.

"You still never told us why you broke up," says Zoya, turning on the coffee machine.

Inej sighs, leaning against the counter. There are never any customers this early in the morning. "It's not for me to say."

"Mysterious," Nikolai says. "Or are you holding out on us because you think there's a chance at rekindling the romance, perhaps?"

She smiles. She's waited for Kaz to call for two months, and a part of her would love for them to go back to what they were. But if he doesn't want to open up to her, she won't hold her breath.

"I certainly hope so," that familiar rock-salt rasp says from behind her.

Inej spins around, glad that her bronze skin disguises her blush. How long has Kaz been standing behind her? Nikolai and Zoya must have seen him walk up to the counter and not warned her, the traitors.

Zoya hands him a black coffee. "Two sugars. Take your break, Inej."

Continue reading under the cut // Continue reading on AO3.

"I feel like I'm being ganged up on," she mutters, but she follows Kaz over to a table hidden in the corner of the cafe.

He takes a sip of his drink instead of jumping straight into whatever he wants to say. It must be hot enough to burn his tongue, but he doesn't flinch.

"Is this about Jesper and Wylan?" she asks. If she doesn't prod him for answers, her break will be over by the time he explains why he's sought her out.

"No, they're fine. From what Matthias said, they're... enthusiastically celebrating their new marriage."

Inej laughs. "Poor Matthias. I bet he's regretting his choice of roommate already."

"I actually..." He trails off, staring into his coffee like it might hold the answers to life. "I wanted to tell you what my nightmare was about."

Inej sits up straighter. "You don't have to. You don't owe me the truth if you don't want to tell it."

His eyes meet hers, and she realises they're the same colour as the coffee. "I know. But I want to be that better man you spoke of, if you'll let me."

She smiles, tilting her head to one side. "I'd like that."

He takes a deep breath, steeling himself for whatever memory he is about to dredge up. "There was an accident, when I was a child." He looks like he's fighting every word that leaves his mouth. "My — my brother took me on a cruise. We weren't going far, just from Lij to Ketterdam. But on the way, he got seasick."

Inej's heart sinks.

"He had to stand at the back of the boat so he could vomit into the water. I laughed at him for being so green. And when we were nearly there, when Fifth Harbour was just in sight... he fell in."

She reaches a hand across the table, waiting for Kaz's silent permission before squeezing his gloved fingers.

"I'm not sure what happened. I think he hit his head on the way down. But I leapt in after him, and the boat never noticed two missing boys. I nearly didn't make it to the harbour, but when I got to Ketterdam, Jordie was dead."

"Kaz..." Inej trails off, not sure what words could ease such a loss. "I'm so sorry that you both went through that."

He shakes his head, taking a shaky breath through his mouth. "I've never told anyone before."

She squeezes his hand tighter. "Thank you for trusting me," she says, and she really means it. "How does it feel?"

"Painful. Raw." He places his other hand on top of hers, brushing his thumb over her hand absentmindedly. "But... good."

"Good," Inej echoes.

He lets go to take another sip of his coffee, looking down at it again. "I might need something stronger than this to drink, though."

She grins. "Nikolai owes me an afternoon off. How about we go and get spectacularly drunk?"

He smiles, and it feels like the beginning of a new chapter. "That's the best idea I've heard all week."

*****

The first stop on their quest to get as drunk as possible is the tiny (overpriced) shop on campus, and then back to Inej's flat to drink the cider they bought.

She doesn't bother getting changed, and makes sure she doesn't bring anything important with her that isn't a necessity. Inej isn't much of a drinker, but she's had to pick Jesper up from enough parties to know that drunk people are incapable of keeping track of their belongings.

Once they've finished their drinks and Kaz has beaten her at three rounds of Uno, they walk into the center of Ketterdam with another bottle of cider each. It's only fifteen minutes away, which is a blessing because the buses in this city never show up when they're supposed to.

The weather is pleasant for this time of year, and the fruity taste of the cider reminds Inej of her mother's autumn apple pies.

They have dinner in a pub in town — a burger for Kaz, and a waffle for Inej — and then they make their way to the same shady club that they went to on the night they met.

Inej buys them both two rounds of drinks so she doesn't have to keep getting up to walk to the bar and then sits next to Kaz in the same booth where he broke a creep's hand with his cane the last time they were here. They sip their drinks in peace — gin and tonic for Inej and a vodka lemonade for Kaz — giggling about the quality of dancing and the choice of music. They only leave when a bouncer recognises them and threatens to throw them out.

When the night air hits her, Inej feels like she could fly. She throws her arms out and runs down the hill of a cobbled street in a decidedly wonky line, laughing to herself and grinning up at Kaz.

"Where to now?" she asks once he's caught up.

His eyes light up with the wicked sparkle she's missed so much. "How about we find ourselves a house party?"

There's no shortage of parties in Ketterdam, especially not in the Barrel. Inej has never had much of a reason to stray this far from the university, but Kaz assures her he knows where he's going, so she's happy to follow him to their next destination.

It ends up being one of the narrow houses perched on the canal. For a Monday night, the house is packed, and as soon as Inej walks through the front door, she knows she isn't going to make it to her 9am lecture tomorrow.

They drink unnaturally flavoured punch from a bowl, and then Kaz pours himself a whiskey and Inej grabs a can of gin and tonic and they make their way into the garden.

"I'm sorry," Inej says as soon as they sit down on the unmowed grass. They aren't the only people outside, but she doubts the two women arguing at the bottom of the garden care about their conversation.

"About what?" asks Kaz. He stretches out his bad leg, laying his cane next to him. She can just see the crow's beak peeking through the long grass, and it makes her smile.

"Leaving."

She's replayed that night over and over a million times in her head, wondering what would have happened if she had stayed. The guilt kept her up at night, and now she knows the truth, she only feels worse about pressuring Kaz to tell her about his past.

"Don't apologise for that." Kaz takes a sip of his drink. "You were right to go."

She leans back on her hands, looking up at him.

"It was the push I needed," he admits. "You were right. I needed to tell someone. And losing you is the only thing worse than facing my demons."

"Still," she says.

"If you're insisting on apologising for that, then I'd like to say sorry for telling you to leave in the middle of the night."

She smiles up at the moon. "If you insist."

It's a clear night, and the wind is blowing the cool water from the canal at the bottom of the garden up to them. She shivers and edges closer to Kaz. Without saying a word, he shrugs off his blazer and wraps it tight around her shoulders.

"I missed you," she admits, burying her nose in the collar of his jacket and laying her head on his shoulder.

"I missed you too."

The two women's argument steadily increases in volume. They're both slurring their words, and are only a few steps away from the water, so Inej really hopes they can both swim.

She turns her gaze back up to the stars. She can't tell whether the alcohol is making her confident, or if the words are just long overdue, but she says them anyway.

"Kaz?"

"Mmm?"

"I think I love you."

He doesn't speak for a minute, but she doesn't risk turning to see his reaction in case she breaks the spell.

Eventually, he says, "You think?"

"I know," she quietly corrects.

"Well, in that case," he says, turning to look down at her so their faces are only a few inches away. "I know I love you too."

She closes the distance between them, Kaz's blazer slipping off one of her shoulders as she lifts her arm to wrap it around his neck.

They're rudely interrupted by a loud splash, and they break away to find one of the women flailing about in the canal.

Both of them burst out laughing at the same time, and it takes a while for them to calm down, especially when the woman squelches past them with a glare.

"What time is it?" Inej asks, when she's able to talk again.

"Time to go home," Kaz suggests. "I'll call a cab."

"Wait," she interrupts, a ridiculous revenge plot forming in her mind. "Let's call Jesper instead."

Maybe his last call was the one that got her and Kaz together, but she's still salty about being woken up at 2am.

"I'll call Jesper," Kaz says. She can only describe the grin on his face as evil, and it makes her desperate to kiss him again. "And you can call Wylan."

Laughing, they take turn making the calls. When both Jesper and Wylan have promised that they're on their way, they lie back on the grass, still giggling as they wait for their ride.

*****

Inej wakes up the next morning with her stomach rolling and stars exploding behind her eyes. She sits up slowly, Kaz's limp hand sliding off her and onto the mattress.

She rubs her eyes, trying to remember what happened last night. They went out, but how did they get home? She doesn't remember much after leaving the club, if she's honest.

Luckily, there's an orange square taped to Kaz's forehead. She leans closer to read it, not wanting to wake him up by accidentally shaving his eyebrows off.

Congratulations for sorting out your shit, Jesper's handwriting reads.

Inej smiles. There's still a million things left for both of them to say, but this time, she won't be letting Kaz go so easily.

She kisses him on the forehead, and then slips out of bed silently. Before they can face their future, she needs two things: breakfast, and a glass of water.

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