#﹝ how to never stop being sad ﹞⟴ ooc ≫ VENT POSTS

[poisonedspider]

This is just my 'safe place' (ironic since it's full of demons and sinners haahahaha) so I just need to vent a bit. But I'll put it under a trigger warning for drama, cancel culture, blocking, whining, whatever else you want to say. It is against no one in particular, for the record!

I just hate that I legit have PTSD from Tumblr fandoms. Like. That sounds silly, but it's true - and I can say it's true, as a therapist, because I meet all the criteria. And I've talked to my own therapist about it (which is kind of just....sad me thinks). Like. I am a big believer in this is your space and make it how you want. Curate it how you want. This is a hobby, you owe no one, blah blah. Yet I still always go into full blown panic mode when someone blocks me out of nowhere. Especially when we were either a) having great reactions and nothing out of the ordinary seemed to happen or b) we had yet to interact but wanted to and suddenly...nope.

Like if I didn't have the PTSD behind it, I'd still be sad. I adore writing. I adore storytelling. I want to create with every single person on here. But it wouldn't send me into this absolutely distressing DREAD. The fear the rumors are being spread about me again. (If you ever need/want to know what happened in past fandoms, my inbox is always open, but I can tell you that as of January 2023 so literally a whole ass year ago, the person apologized directly to me *I have every screenshot trust me I made sure to cover my ass so fast* and took down the faked call out). The fear that people still believe those rumors. The fear the people see the name 'Strode' and immediately block because they heard something that was just never true. The fear that I'm going to wake up to anons in my askbox telling me to k*ll myself again, or see the 400+ reblogs of hate against me saying scum like me shouldn't be on this website.

And honestly? Even if that stuff had been true (again, it wasn't, and I'm....so annoyed and hurt by it all but - ) that was still A YEAR AND A HALF AGO. Do people not change? Or are they not given the ability to? Tumblr can be so whack in how it crucifies people and does not allow room for growth. So at the end of the day, it's hard for me to see a block as 'innocent.' It could be ANYTHING. Maybe I post too much ooc. Share too much fanart. Didn't reply in enough time. Who hecking knows, right? It could be literally anything. Hell, maybe I'm interacting with someone they don't want to see. But because of my trauma, it always comes down to fear. Fear of what do people think I did. Why am I the bad guy now. What is going to make me scared to survive in this fandom as well.

This is all very much Benadryl/Mucinex inspired but....I like to share my thoughts. I think it can be helpful for someone to see and be like "I needed to hear this, because I have felt this way too." To realize people aren't alone. Because in October 2022, I felt the loneliest in my life due to 'cancel culture'. To watching my followers drop from 600 something down to 142 (no joke). To realizing I spent some of the last moments I would have with my grandma before she stopped remembering who I was crying about fictional people who suddenly hated me over night.

Sometimes it makes me scared to sleep. Not knowing what I'll wake up to. Not knowing who I'll lose next that I've grown to care about. I guess just know that you all matter to me, more than just a hobby. I see you as friends. I care about your days. And if you were to disappear, I'd be worried sick.

Again, no shame about blocking. But at the end of the day, a 'block' can have a lot more impact than I think people realize.

(Also haaaa the fact that I got an inbox message right as I was typing this and my heartrate peaked so quickly then I saw it was just aracniss like lol for some reason that's hysterical because that brotherly shit WOULD happen just to mess with Angie).

[rubberduckyrye]

you seem kind of callous...I don't know the whole story but friends are supposed to help each other

Hey anon. Anon.

You’re fucking right—you don’t know the whole story. And to be frank, I’m suspicious of this ask because who in their right might would send this to me after I made my posts.

Anyway.

Let me be clear.

This man trauma dumped on me and a friend constantly. He’s always talking about how awful life is and making suicidal comments. I keep telling him to get a therapist but he ignores me because of his own damn pride/learned helplessness. But despite despising therapists, he’s using me and my friend as free therapists to vent to—which is why I kept telling him to get professional help because this man desperately needs it.

He did not listen.

It came to a head over the weekend, where we had an argument where I made it very clear that the words he says makes us (me and my friend) constantly worry about his safety, how we aren’t trained professionals, ectect. He got all pissy because I told him that him apologizing for hating therapists felt insincere when he didn’t plan on changing that behavior, he said I was calling him a liar, and I had to leave the group chat after he reacted poorly to me finally caving and sending him a CBT workbook so he could “help himself.”

After that, he DMs me, we argue more, and we come to some sort of agreement where I stated some things needed to fucking change and he agreed. Great!

Except not great.

This man had been emotionally manipulating me by being nice to me in my personal DMs, but he was being vile about me in DMs with my friend. He insisted me telling him to get a therapist every time he trauma dumped on us was harassment, he kept weirdly misgendering me when referring to me from six or seven years ago (which, fun fact—I was Agender then too, so there’s no fucking excuse!) (Also context here: we all met in a RP, I drifted off and we stopped speaking six-seven years ago, only to reconnect recently), said that I was like his Ex (not as in I reminded him of an ex, no—that I was like an ex of his), and finally, he called me abusive because I committed the horrible crime of drifting away from him and my other friend as a friend and never DMed him back and he waited like the ~sad little puppy in the gutter-victim of my crime~ for seven years.

IN WHICH.

If this man really was so stuck on me and missed me, kinda weird how he had my email this whole fucking time and didn’t try to reach out these past six or seven years! Kind of weird for someone who blames me for him developing abandonment issues to not reach out in that span of time, don’t you think? That’s how we reconnected in the first place—I posted in the old RP ooc forum, and he scrambled to get into contact with me because I made a nostalgic post about being a stupid kid. He emailed me just to get my attention!

Anyway.

He said all of these sentiments to my friend AFTER we had our discussion. So he was sweet talking to me and shit talking about me to my friend, and called me abusive because I dared to just, drift away from him. He had a grudge against me. One that I knew he was going to hover over my damn head—especially since things “seemed fine” after the conversation. Had my friend not told me about what he said behind my back? Fuck. I’d be ignorant to how horrible of a guy he had become.

So I cut him off. I knew he wasn’t going to help himself and he was just going to, albeit unintentionally so, emotionally abuse me. And you know what he did after I did that?

He picked a fucking fight with my friend.

He took his hurt and upset out on her, whined the tragic woes of “Oh, I thought everything was fine now, Rye lied to me!” Despite literally calling me abusive in DMs with my friend earlier. I didn’t mention to him that my friend told me what he said, because I wanted to avoid him giving her his damn wrath—but it didn’t matter. They fought. And that’s where we are right now.

Sorry that I don’t want to be friends with someone who thinks of me as an abuser because I drifted away from him as a friend. Fuck, we weren’t even that close—and my friends have expressed concern over how weirdly obsessed he is with me.

But yes. You ARE supposed to help your friends, it’s not a bad thing to occasionally need to vent and cry and be held. However, he was not treating us like friends—he was treating us like free therapists who he could beat up emotionally and keep around because if we left, what if he hurt himself? Then when I came into the picture with my New Yorker “I take no shit” attitude, he didn’t like that, and got pissy because I refused to coddle him anymore.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.

You can try to help a friend, but if they don’t want to help themselves, then they’re just making you watch as they spiral down and get worse.

And once again I state: If you fucking play with Fire, You are Going to get Burned.

My feelings of genuine concern for this man were played with like a fiddle. Now that I know, he has to face the fire.

And anon, don’t send this shit to other people. It’s fucking rude at best, and comes off as victim blaming at worst.

So yeah. Fuck off with this shit.

[all-cursed]

Just a heads up, I may be here a lot tonight, or may not be here at all. I did a manifestation spell last night, so I am remaining positive about the show getting renewed and picked up for more seasons, but that does not change the fact that I am not doing too well lately, at all, and it's not just because of the nerves of waiting for season 5. There's a lot going on mentally right now. So yeah. I may be here a lot to cope tonight or I may just be silent, but people are welcome to message me and I hope you all have a wonderful day/night 🖤🐺

[sheetghostwriter]

I feel a bit like I should apologize for the post I made yesterday! I want to make it very clear that I am not angry at anyone or attempting to incite any kind of action with my “vent post.”

TL;DR: Tone on the internet is hard, I wish we could discuss stuff without it being “discourse”

I made a post with an admittedly frustrated tone in response to a few comments from a single user in site-general on the cherpcord yesterday. I’m not even upset with that user, which is why I changed some details of what they posted and didn’t want to call out their comments specifically. They, like a lot of folks, were simply expressing their frustration that the site is down in a lighthearted, jokey way!

The reason it got under my skin, and why I chose to write about it, is because 1. it is indicative of a larger ideology that’s been present in just about every RP space I’ve been of a perceived divide between “smut” RPers and “quality/wholesome/’plot’” RPers, and it frustrates me to see that attitude (even if it’s simply a ‘vocal minority’) in a space that is tailored for adult content, and 2. I am genuinely surprised that folks who exclusively RP very tame and SFW topics would use cherp as their primary RP hub. They are totally free to do so, I just think it’s a confusing choice. That’s all!

And to be clear on something else, my opinions on the “vibe” of the cherpcord aren’t from yesterday’s activity, but from being a relatively active member on the server for a little over a year. It’s always seemed to me that the userbase trends a bit young, but there were (and are!) still enough folks that I like in there that I’ll pop in a couple times a day to see what’s going on. But during the dmca shutdown a lot more people who I guess were previously lurkers started being active in the server, and I became increasingly uncomfortable with how obvious that uh... these were not my peers, to say the least. Also around the time I stopped being active there were users like, aggressively soliciting for RP in the server, which is one of the main reasons I avoid RP servers (or at least, off-topic/ooc areas in RP servers) because people get so weird and whiny about that it just kills the vibe for me. That’s against the rules in cherp’s servers and I’m sure the mods deftly shut it down when they are present, but they cant’ be there all the time.

Also, those opinions weren’t intended with any sort of hostility! I think the ‘obnoxious diner teen’ phase is something that a lot of folks, especially those of us with marginalized sexualities and gender identities, experience in some form or another. That’s literally what being a theatre kid is, isn’t it? Maybe they’ll chill out, maybe they’ll grow up to be really into burlesque, either way it’s only cringe to me because I’m older, and I only care because I genuinely do think that trying to be mindful of how content and preferences are discussed and whether or not we’re moralizing things with our word choices can really do a lot to make creative and fandom spaces more welcoming.

Finally, my choice of the phrase “within reason” in that post was meant to be a bit tongue-in-cheek, and also I thought the repetition was funny.

I like cherp, my main gripe with it is I think the no-offsite rule is bad and I probably won’t change my mind about that. Otherwise... idk, I’d like to be able to discuss it and even snark about it with other users since I use the site a lot and have a lot of thoughts about it, good and bad! it just feels like everything is received (and responded to) as though there’s the maximum amount of hostility behind it, which is... pretty much never the case with me. i mean i type a lot bc i don’t know how to be succinct but i’m never mad about it lol. sad, sometimes, but that’s about it.

[daylighteclipsed]

“This is another reason most of future lost rights” May we hear your thoughts?

Now that I have officially finished watching the original Steven Universe series, I have many Thoughts about the continuation. Prepare for some detailed salty takes.

-- My biggest gripe is that Garnet, Pearl, and Amethyst lose pretty much all of the emotional intelligence they gain in the original series to maximize Steven’s suffering.

So like the gifset that prompted this ask for example, where Garnet realizes she’s hurt Steven with her future vision and apologizes? Makes her reaction in Future to realizing she hurt Steven again OOC. The OG series also teaches us and Steven that Garnet can’t see definites, because there’s so many possibilities, and the future’s always changing, and the future can always be changed. So her line about how there was no universe where Steven didn’t propose to Connie as her reason for why she didn’t try to stop him, is bullshit.

The Volleyball episode gives away that Steven is clearly not OK, and Pearl does nothing about it. Neurotic, mother hen, let’s make a plan Pearl does not ask Steven if he’s alright and makes 0 plans to train him to control his new alarming powers. Pearl, who now has a better sense of how trauma works because she has it herself, who we have seen in the OG series suspect Steven is dealing with some post traumatic stress after being taken to Homeworld and reach out to him about it, does not in Future reach out to him after he expresses blatant distress over having to deal with more of his mom’s problems. I’m supposed to believe this? Seriously?

And Amethyst? I think she’s the most obvious offender since a big part of her arc in the end of the OG series is emotional maturity.There’s a whole episode dedicated to her putting Steven’s feelings first. Acknowledging the pressure he’s been under and the shit that’s been dumped on him for years and the horror of finding out Rose was a Diamond which makes him a Diamond and recognizing that he’s not OK. He can’t be. Learning that Steven deals by distracting himself with other tasks and people. But sure when Amethyst notices Steven throwing himself into his work in Future, her response is just “When did you become such a prick?” Yeah. Totally sounds right.

There is a whole arc about these two emotionally connecting through their insecurities and the strength they find in having each other to relate to and rely on and confide in. It is one of my favorites in the entire story. And it is totally thrown out a window in Future. If no one else you’d think at least Amethyst would reach out to Steven in Future before he spirals, but no.

Literally it’s like the entire Gem trio’s emotionally sent back to square 1 and their perception’s lowered to 0, which is lower than it was to begin with, because it was the only way Future could work. Seriously, after Prickly Pair nobody tries to talk to Steven? Nobody insists they need to talk about what the fuck just happened? Nobody goes after Steven when he runs away, twice?! Once after crashing the van with his dad inside, in which he disappears for 3 whole days. Another time after talking about how they can’t help him anymore, which is really alarming! Then they all just let Steven go when he returns from Homeworld glowing with Diamond pupils?! are you kidding me, are you fUcking KidDing me am I supposed to believe they’re even his friends in Future what the fuck I hate this 

-- And framing everything like the Gems have never been there for Steven? Hate that too. There’s countless episodes in the OG series proving that’s not true. Steven himself says it’s not. At one point that’s what keeps him from literally falling from the sky.

“I just need something that makes me happy, something I can always depend on to cheer me up. My guys. They spent all night out here just to keep me company. No matter how much I mess up they’ll be there to help me.”

It’s the biggest reason why the Gems are foils to the Diamonds!

“Remember back when I was little and maybe kind of annoying, and I couldn’t come along on adventures? You guys would still drop everything to hang out with me.”

Garnet, Pearl, and Amethyst begin kind of oblivious and inattentive, but they don’t stay that way. They are always learning, and apologizing, and changing when they realize their behavior is harmful. To themselves, to the team as a whole, to strangers, to Steven. They do very early in the series start setting work aside to spend time with him. Together breakfast (which ends up meaning so much to Garnet that it becomes her wedding cake), mini golf, cards, board games, movies, the arcade, the amusement park. They’re Steven’s band in beach-a-palooza. They become, not only better caretakers, but his friends.

A team. For the main Crystal Gem quartet so much of the show is about them learning to become a team by learning to understand each other and helping each other grow, leading to a stunning display of teamwork in the finale with Garnet, Pearl, Amethyst, and Steven all fusing together into one kickass warrior, Obsidian. It’s so perfect that this didn’t, couldn’t, happen until the end, after all that development. It’s so satisfying.

-- Like I mentioned before, there’s no reason why the Gems, including the others like Peridot, Lapis, and Bismuth, wouldn’t try to help Steven learn to control his new powers in Future.

-- A lot of the, uh, conflicts Steven faces in Future also feel ignorant to the OG series.

Steven in future: i just feel like i can’t make mistakes in front of you guys and cant be honest cause its mean and i have to be nice and perfect :(

Steven in og series: oh geez I really messed up sorry guys; [feels like the worst Crystal Gem cause he’s always fucking up]; (Garnet: You’re making Pearl very upset) “IM very upset!“; “What Rose wanted--ARGH! What about what I want?! I’m sick of you always lying to me!”; “Home’s been awful! Here’s been awful! Everyone’s been acting awful too!”

Steven in future: idk how to be a friend to someone who’s not a miserable sad sack with no direction in life

Connie: hey what the fuck

What was the point of all the townie episodes if we’re going to act like Steven never connected with the human part of his life why would the og show bounce between gem eps and human eps if not to show how Steven connects with both worlds ad’g;ajfgjfagjLAFKJS

Steven in future: why didn’t my meddling advice work? this has never happened before. am i losing my touch. who am i

Og Steven, multiple times: aaAAAAAH I SHOULD NOT HAVE MEDDLED AND PUSHED I MADE THINGS WORSE

- Why wasn’t Mindful Education revisited? Steven’s a fusion technically, right, so if he’s feeling, you know, deeply conflicted about his 2 halves, doesn’t that mean he’s out of harmony? There’s a way for 2 halves of a fusion to communicate through meditation and address what’s causing the imbalance, but I guess that would’ve solved Steven’s problem too easily. That’s the only reason Connie’s kept out of Future for so long too, right? Ugh. Never mind the fact that Mindful Ed taught Steven that it’s really important to face upsetting thoughts and feelings and traumas before they tear him apart. But whatever! what ever

- God this isn’t even half of the issues I now have with Future, but I don’t want this post to be 8 miles longer than it already is. Basically I feel like Future does a disservice to the characters and story being told in the original series, which I am very fond of now. It reminds me of an OOC fanfiction. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

I really do not want to argue about this. It’s just my opinion. I’m kind of venting. If you agree, great. If you don’t, please keep scrolling. Thanks.

[iamanartichoke]

Why do you feel that way about fandom? (In regards to your latest reblog)

Ah, I’m not sure if I know how to explain it, but I’ll try. (This got long, so I’m really sorry.)

The thing is, I first got into the Loki fandom early in 2018, so I’m coming up on about two years of being active here. That first year was so fun and exciting; I was elated to be able to discuss my Loki theories and meta with like-minded people, and I was so happy (and surprised!) at the attention my fic was getting.

I was also still at a point where I believed IW was going to blow our minds, so there was that extra kind of thrill of suspense (and a bit of fear but, when you believe in the MCU and haven’t yet lost faith in its writers/directors, the fear is surface-level and adds to the thrill - there’s not really the accompanying dread and despair). 

IW was a crushing blow to that, of course, but even though we were all devastated, we were all devastated as a fandom. We were still in it together; we had one another to vent to and cry with and share fic with. “Loki is alive bc reasons” became kind of an unwritten rule in most post-IW fics; we all agreed that Loki deserved better. 

In 2019, two things happened: one, I was underemployed and dragging my feet on finding better employment due to my mental health, which ruined my life for a little while. I had to move back in with my parents, which (I love them and am grateful they were willing to support me, but) was a toxic environment. I was too depressed to indulge in my escapism the same way (fic and fandom) and my progress on my stories slowed way down. I’ve never quite been able to get back the momentum I had when writing Sanctuary, but that’s another issue. 

The second thing that happened was, obviously, Endgame came out and whatever theories and hopes the fandom was collectively holding onto about Loki were crushed. Not only that, but the portrayal of Thor seemed to amplify the divide in the fandom between the pro/anti Ragnarok argument. 

It seems, to me, that what was a series of battles or skirmishes only became an all-out war after Endgame. That’s only my perception, of course, but I do feel that the latter part of 2019 saw the divide grow larger and larger. Everyone had opinions on what the “correct” portrayal of Thor was, and how it related to Loki, and whether fanon Thor and Loki’s relationship was founded in canon or not. Everyone was defensive of their own point of view; bullying and name-calling and anon hate became more widespread. 

Again, this is just my observation. Those who’ve been on the front lines since Ragnarok came out probably have a much different perspective; I’m only talking about what I observed bc it directly impacts how I feel about fandom these days. 

So here we are in 2020; like I said, I’ve been here about two years. I haven’t rewatched any of the Thor movies in ages (although @delyth88 and I are talking about it), because they make me so sad and also so angry. Sad for what we had, angry for what could have been. So much wasted potential. Loki’s horrific end hangs over everything, as does Thor’s radical character change, and I don’t have the same excited outlook about the characters and the meta potential anymore. 

Not having watched the movies in a long time, along with that feeling of “ugh” around them, impacts me creatively bc I’m not actively feeding my writing inspiration. For me, fanfic writing comes from being so full of feels about the source material that I just can’t get enough and I need more. I draw my inspiration from things like watching Loki’s facial expressions, catching subtle moments between Thor and Loki, analyzing the way they speak, thinking about the story choices happening, and so on, and so on. 

My source of inspiration has dried up, in other words, which has made it hard for me to keep a good writing momentum going. I was feeling great when I rewrote Sea, and then my inspiration kind of plummeted again - this time, bc I felt that I did such a good job rewriting and the response was so positive, I didn’t know if I could finish the rest of the story as well. Like I was already setting up the second half to fail, bc it would be much more “rough draft” than the first - revised and polished, yes, but not gone over with a fine-toothed comb the way the first part was. 

The truth is, I carry a lot of stress and anxiety around my writing. I am always incredibly anxious that no one actually likes my fic, that no one is reading my fic, that people think it’s stupid or pointless, that my quirky humorous touches are ooc, that my plotlines are convoluted and boring and my sex scenes awkward and non-existent. 

I’m having trouble with the Valki relationship bc I haven’t watched Ragnarok in so long, I’ve forgotten how much chemistry was between them and how it made me feel. I’ve forgotten why I chose to pair them up in this ‘verse in the first place. And I worry about that, too - that the people who read my stories for the Valki are walking away unsatisfied. 

So that’s where I am with fic writing - slow and steady, still trying to find my footing, still secretly assuming what I write is shit.

This is on top of feeling more and more isolated on tumblr, mostly because of the aforementioned tensions and overall negativity that’s erupted in the fandom. I have been unfollowed and blocked by people who were once mutuals; I have been blocked by people I’ve never spoken to before. 

There’s so much stress surrounding the things I post now - I’m constantly thinking, have I worded this correctly to convey my meaning without shitting on someone else’s opinion? Is this post going to be the one that makes this or that mutual unfollow me? Am I tagging correctly so my pro Ragnarok mutuals don’t see my criticism, and vice versa? Can I still post pictures of Chris Hemsworth, who is possibly the only man in the world I am definitely attracted to, which is a shame bc I agree that he’s kind of a douche now? But he’s so beautiful, but I have to disclaim that it’s just his face I’m attracted to? If I reblog this post about Loki that I think is hilarious, but is also founded on the flat stabby villain characterization, will I alienate my anti friends? Does it imply I don’t understand or appreciate Loki and that, by reblogging the thing, I’m endorsing a shitty characterization? 

And so on. It makes scrolling my dashboard uncomfortable and un-fun, bc I end up saving tons of posts to my drafts without reblogging them, and after awhile I am not enjoying myself, so I stop scrolling. 

But this means I miss tons of mutuals’ posts, and I was trying to check individual blogs for awhile but I kept falling further behind, and there were more and more posts I’d missed, and I’d get overwhelmed and then feel like they probably hated me anyway at this point for being a shit mutual, so I might as well just keep lurking on the dash for ten minutes and call it a day. 

On top of that, I haven’t read fic in awhile bc of this mindset, so I haven’t commented, and then when I don’t get comments it’s like, well, maybe the story’s not shitty but no one’s reading it bc what do I expect when I’m not reading theirs? You’re not special, Charlotte. 

The worst part about all of this is that none of it should diminish (and hasn’t diminished!) my love of Loki as a character. I am excited about the series, but I am also very anxious about it - about the story not being good, yes, but also about the inevitably divide that will further split the fandom. 

No matter how the story goes, someone’s going to be upset. You can’t please everyone, and trying only makes for worse storytelling. So the wank will continue. 

But I love Loki. I love everything about him. I am interested in writing about him and reading about him and thinking about him. I am invested in him and always will be. It’s just that, right now, I’m kind of falling further and further out of fandom and I find I have less to say. 

And so I either have to wait it out, or work on my own mindset, or keep on keeping on. I just don’t know how long that will take or if I’m even liked enough here to try to bother. 

tl;dr: Fandom has made me cynical and jaded, and it has dampened not my love of Loki, but my love of interacting with the Loki fandom.

(I know you didn’t ask for this hot garbage pile of my feelings, anon, so I’m sorry.) 

[kittyotakunoir666]

2WAYMIRROR: Broken Girls

Ok so haven't posted in a while but I started Listening to Gabbie Hanna’s 2WAYMIRROR album and I just had to do a fic for each song cause I was struck by inspiration. Here is the first one, note they might all be one-shots so I think, I’m not sure yet. We will have to see. All the songs will be Adrinette angst because I just feel that way. Oh, by the way, I have not seen the episodes beyond Chameleon only bits and pieces from Tumblr so this will be Chamelon salt in a way but not fully. I know, later on, he does basically trade his soul to the devil for Marinette and that's sweet of him but remember I haven't seen the episodes so be gentle with me being misinformed beyond that of the first episode of Season 3 Episode 1. 

Adrien will be OOC and so will Marinette. 

Oh, personal opinion this fic will be crap but eh. Bring in the criticism. I will also post the other songs later cause after I finish doing the songs on the  2WAYMIRROR album I will be doing other songs so you might look forward to that.

Broken girls Butterflies Perfect day

Goodbye Medicate Pillowcase

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Broken Girls by Gabbie Hanna

Don't really care about your sweet talk

At the time, I really was keeping quiet since Adrien promised me we would be in this together. That it was gonna be him and me against the reign of Lila. It made me happy that he promised this. That he was going to be there for me.

I only wanna hear your dark thoughts baby

But then I started seeing the real him. On the occasion that I did try to out Liela Rossi and got grief for it, he just stood back and said nothing. He ignored the situation completely. And it wasn’t the only time either. Whenever the others would start calling her names, ruining her sketches, or just plain on bullying me, he did nothing and said nothing.

You really like the way I'm fucked up

And all you wanna do is come and save me

Adrien would always check on me afterward. After the class was done with me. The first time I thought it was sweet that he would make sure I was ok. But then, after a while, I wanted nothing more than for him to leave me alone. To continue ignoring me as he has been doing. He only wanted to be my knight in shining armor after the conflict. If he really was my knight he would have intervened during the conflicts.

But when I ask the same questions

You always gotta go and change the subject

With all these one-way conversations

You got me wondering about the things left unsaid

Each and every single time I ask him why he doesn’t help me he changes the subject. Each and every single time he also blames me for starting it. He always defines the bully and never the victim. He did it with Chloe, so of course, he did it with Lila, because that’s exactly who he is. Thinking people will change if you give them time, though that may be true, it doesn’t apply to everybody. I keep on wondering, every time I speak to him what he really thinks of me. Was he really my friend, were we really in this together?

You love 'em sick, dig up all the ugly shit

Then you offer up your remedy

I’m not the only victim in his line of fire apparently. Because there is also Kagami; beautiful, strong, skilled, Kagami. Turns out Adrien is more than he seems because apparently, he was using her to try and get over his other crush. Of course, Kagami didn’t realize this at first since, like him, she has been sheltered away from social interaction so she really didn’t notice until she and I became friends. We found ourselves becoming friends after crying out apologies and understanding that it was foolish to fight over a guy.

Your tightened lips never let your secrets slip

Your repressed memories aren't impressing me

I get that Adrien was sheltered, that he lost his mom, that his father ignores him, that his father controls him and his schedule, but that does NOT excuse his behavior. His actions are his own just like his thoughts are his own. He can’t use his past to defy his action beyond that of what is reasonable. I should have seen the red flags before letting it get this far.

You like broken girls

Because they make you feel put together

Broken girls, rip it open then you'll kiss it better

He always did like to be the hero, especially when the situations involved me. Now I know why, after all, I am his princess and him my knight.

Won't open up to me

Of course, he’s Chat Noir.

Want you to talk to me

Of course, I find out when he’s venting yet again about how Ladybug should stop pretending she doesn’t love him. And then I vent about Lila and the class.

I want to get to know you

Don't just listen to me baby

Of course, I had to fight back in my honor when he tells me to listen to Adrien. And of course, he doesn’t listen, and he accidentally said something all too familiar. “Hey as long as you and he know, it should be alright, and hey you have me now to so you should do what your friend said and leave it”

Broken girls, because they make you feel put together

I really wanted to scream. The guy I used to like was this mangy cat. Was this person I put my trust in. I really wanted to scream.

No, I'm not in the mood for small talk

I only wanna know your deepest secrets

Oh, come on, let me be your detox

I'll be your diary, I won't repeat it

So I was like, you know what fine, tell me everything, don’t hold back, vent, rant, and speak to me about your “mentally checked out” father, your “in denial of being in love with you” Ladybug, and your “being difficult” Marinette. I’ll listen but don’t think I’m going to sit this one out. I didn’t even tell him I knew who he was because it might make this situation more difficult than it should be.

You love 'em sick, dig up all the ugly shit

Then you offer up your remedy

Your tightened lips never let your secrets slip

Your repressed memories aren't impressing me

A small part of me does feel bad about his past, a very small part of me wants to care for him like she used to but honestly that ship is sailing ad won’t be coming back anytime soon. Then the next Akuma appears and Chat is being difficult again after I rejected him again.

You like broken girls

I’m tired of this. I warned him something bad would happen if he continued this way. He didn’t listen.

Because they make you feel put together

I am so, so, so tired of his tantrums, his harassment, and his “love” for me. I was so tired of Leila and my classmates. I was so tired of Adrien even after I found out his identity.

Broken girls, rip it open then you'll kiss it better

No more, because dearest kitty, you should know better than publicly denying to help since the last two times no one else saw. But this time they saw.

Won't open up to me

I didn’t find out about it from him

Want you to talk to me

I should have though, with how much he complaints to my civilian self. He visited me the night before after all but the tweet didn’t pick up till the next day.

I want to get to know you

Instead, I find out through twitter. Someone from the Culpa enterprises recorded him not wanting to fight until Ladybug confessed to loving him. Ladybug basically begging for his help. 

Paris wasn’t happy. 

Don't just listen to me baby

I warned him.

Broken girls, because they make you feel put together

He didn’t listen to this Broken girl.

You like them broken

You like them broken

You like them broken

You like them broken

He wanted Ladybug to do damage control by confessing he was in his right. He was not happy when I said no because he was in the wrong. He barely shows up for fights now.

You like broken girls

I became even more broken

Because they make you feel put together

He was happy to see me struggle with a smug face saying “I told you so”

Broken girls, rip it open then you'll kiss it better

When he did show up he again would “sacrifice” himself even if he didn’t need to. Just to end up struggling and fighting him again.

Won't open up to me

Want you to talk to me

I want to get to know you

Don't just listen to me baby

Broken girls, because they make you feel put together

Paris had my back though.

You love 'em sick, dig up all the ugly shit

Master Fu had my back.

Broken girls

I may have been broken 

You love 'em sick, dig up all the ugly shit

But I would not go down without a fight

Broken girls

So when a new Chat Noir showed up

You love 'em sick, dig up all the ugly shit

I became a little less broken

Broken girls

A little less stressed 

You like broken girls

I welcomed this new Chat Noir

Because they make you feel put together

“Hi I’m Ladybug”

“Hi, I guess I’m the new Chat noir”

“What will your name be?”

“Chat de Nuit” 

“Nice to meet you Chat de Nuit”

“I know I just met you but are you ok?”

“yes, why wouldn’t I be?”

“Well, your eyes seem sad”

“You don’t have to worry about that”

I’m just a broken girl

[crionsbelt]

This may or may not go up by the time midnight hits or slightly after for me, let’s see what happens! I’ve been working on this since 9:30 PM EST, I expect it’ll be done by 12:50 AM EST. Hopefully I’m right so it ain’t too late gjnhg

For starters: Happy New Year everyone! Hard to believe we lived in the decade where this beauty was created. Nonetheless, there are multiple people I want to thank -- along with a much needed personal note from me. Everything will be put into a read more, but trust me, it’s long. Thank you all for making the final days of this decade very welcoming for me!

@kiidreamu​ & @theabyssalmuses​

It’s rather silly for me to start with you two, because I’ve got quite a bit to say; so here goes! I’ve known you two for...quite a while huh? I can’t recall the exact time, but I know we’ve been mutuals since I went by Phantom -- which was a long while ago. Regardless, I’ve always enjoyed you two on my dash; and I’ve always really liked interacting with y’all OOC! I’ve always had a blast speaking with you two (specifically now w all this fuckin Bear Ass shit).  I really enjoy the way you two write your muses, I think you both should have a lot more faith in them because they’re very fun to see on the dash! It’s pretty clear y’all put a lot of effort into your writing, even if you say you don’t, I for sure notice it.  Hime, I know you said you admired me - but there’s nothing to admire! You and Kii are equally as good as me, but I’m definitely not much. However, I never posted it (because I had it in my drafts and still do) because it meant a lot to me. I’ve never been told something like that aside from Norgie, so it made me feel happy in a dark time.  Thank you both for continuing to be my friends, truly. 

@fantasyacrossworlds​

Awoo! You and I have known each other for a long time, too (most people tagged here I’ve known for 2 - 4 years hujhj)! I’m VERY happy that we’re mutuals again, I’ve truly missed interacting with you! I’m so glad that it seems Orion and Cass are going to have a chaotic friendship that will always end on Orion running to Artemis LMAO. I’m looking forward to more interactions! 

@sanzenxsekai​​ 

I already gave you a super long post explaining how much me and Norgie are thankful for you, so I’ll remind you in a tl;dr version. WE ALL LOVE YOUR STINKY GREMLIN + YOU!! Please keep writing Nobu in 2020! Thank you so much for being such a good friend to me. 

@mcphistcples​

You don’t even realize how much of a positive impact you’ve had on both me and my girlfriend. You’re absolutely hilarious and I’m incredibly happy you chose to start interacting with a disaster like me. As a Dies fan, I fucking love your Rein. You write him fantastically and it’s always fun to see your interactions with BB’s JAlter.  I am looking forward to the dramatic reading of My Immortal: Bear Ass Edition : ) 

@stxrdust-pxper​

We haven’t talked much OOC properly, but we’ve known each other just about the same time as me and Norgie have been dating - so almost 2 years! You’re a pretty cool person, I’m happy you joined my new server because it’s given myself and others a chance to chat with you more. Thank you for all the kindness you’ve given me throughout the time we’ve known each other, I’ve never said it until now, but it truly has stuck with me and helped me become happier.

@bloodsoakedsakura​ / @idoldragos​

There’s actually a lot I’d like to say, some I’ll leave out for now. For starters, thank you for having my back for three years straight. Seriously. You’ve been there for me through a whole lot, honestly surprised you’ve stuck with me for as long as you have.  You’ve stood up for me when the time came for it and I’m honestly so thankful you did. Every time you hop in call with us it’s usually always fun and stupid (in a good way), so thank you for being part of my band of misfits as long as you have Sades. Even though you’re a boomer who didn’t stop me rolling 200 of my Quartz, I forgive you... dontkillmepls

@yuichiroswife​

Speka, you’ve been a great help to me and Norgie a great amount of times as of late. Thank you so much, you’re an incredibly kind person and I’m glad we became friends!!

@muniificus​

I’ve known you for 3 years too I’m 90% certain, it’s insane how long I’ve known a lot of you - it feels like forever but it also feels like time has gone by so quickly! Much like Sades, I’m very thankful you’ve stuck around for as long as you have Icarus. Thank you for putting up with my dumb ass, and ultimately having fun in return! alsoihavethereplyforanastasiadraftedipromise

@fakepriest​

I’ve sent you an ask with a lot of what would’ve been said in here, but I want to let you know that I’m extremely grateful that you’ve kept being my friend to. I enjoy our conversations a lot, especially when we talk about things like Heaven’s Feel because they’re usually always such fun things to talk about. 

Much like the ask I’ve sent you, your Kirei is so scarily accurate it nearly simulates his actual personality flawlessly. That’s how scary good at writing this tofu loving fake priest. I’m so happy it’s you who’s writing him, not to play the pedestal game, but I genuinely can’t see anyone else (not even myself) coming close to how phenomenal your portrayal is.  #kireisquad

@arkdiia​

Though our first conversation first chatting again wasn’t expected, I’m super glad you came back to Tumblr and I’m thrilled to be friends w you again! Hopefully for 2020, you and I /both/ catch a break lmfao.

@saintguine​

Much like Anna, I’ve already told you what I wanted to here in the form of an ask a few hours ago - however, I do wish to say smth that I’m sure a lot of people feel. Regardless of how you think about yourself, you’re a very good person BB and we’re all very blessed to know you. You’re absolutely one of my best friends, and though there was a point where we lost communication for a bit, I’m very grateful our friendship is the exact same. 

We all care u BB, thank u for bein gud to all of us

Kayla & Sere

This post is incredibly long already, luckily I’m just about done -- but I’ve got three people to go starting with you two!

Sere, you’ve heard me vent a lot and you’ve known me (Kayla has known me this long too) for a pretty damn long time if you ask me, 3 years may not seem like a lot to people, but with all the stuff we’ve all gone through these 3 years? It’s been a LOT and I can’t say I’d be the person I am without you hearing my dumb ass vent and creating Cursed Night.  I appreciate all of your icons, thank you for giving us (Hell) special treatment with them. Seriously! While you are a best friend for sure, you’re also practically family to me. Thank you again for everything. 

Kayla, the same of what I said for Sere is said for you. You’re legit like my older sister, you’ve been there for me for just bout the same amount that Norgie has; you’re someone who means a lot to both me and Norgie, so thank you for giving talking to us a chance way back when you were shy (I think that’s what it was!). There have been a lot of ups and downs for all of us, but I’m glad the downs at least had the positive effect of giving me a second family who I love dearly. I actually teared up on this part, so god help me when I write for Norgie.

@letoborn​ / @uwuwrote​

I’m going to save a lot of what I want to say to you for our anniversary in June, but I will say a few things because I love you so very much.

When I met you, I was not expecting you’d turn out to be the woman of my dreams. You’re genuinely my better half, and I have never been as happy as I am than I am with you. You’ve truly had the biggest impact in my life Norgie, you’ve made me laugh, cheered me up when I’m sad, called me out when I was dumb and helped me better myself. 

I’m so incredibly happy I got to spend the rest of the last decade being your boyfriend, and now, going into 2020 - a whole new decade with you. Like I said, you’re my better half - I can’t see myself with anyone else but you. You’re the greatest treasure in my life, I’m so happy we’ve had all this fun with roleplaying.

Thank you so much Norgie, for giving me Orion/Artemiis, all of our other ships - being my soulmate (at least, I think so). I hope 2020 treats us both well, but I’m willing to go through whatever as long as it’s with you.

Now, that’s the end of that -- but I have a few extra things to say.

My 2019 has been...quite possibly the hardest year of my life, at least on the internet. For a very long time, I was fearful of interacting with others - I made mistakes that I wish I could take back, I got put through hell for nothing...man, I don’t wanna go back in and say what happened, what is and isn’t true -- the long story short is, shit happened, but it’s the past now. 

I want to go into 2020 just..as positive as I can be, I’m tired of the drama, I just want to have fun with my friends and my girlfriend you know? So, I’m finally choosing to move on and just...try having fun again. This choice would be impossible without the people mentioned in this post. 

From the bottom of my heart, thank you to all of you who have stuck around through it all for me. I’m so incredibly thankful to be part of the friendgroup I’m in, to know everyone I’ve met who’s put up with me. I’ve had so many times where I wanted to leave this site, but I wanted to keep trying to write with everyone -- to have fun with everyone. You all have no idea how genuinely happy you’ve all made me, just by writing with my Orion and Norgie’s Artemis. 

Though I couldn’t think of anything to say specifically for the others tagged below here, thank you all for everything as well -- just following me makes me happy. I’m sure I’ve forgotten some people, but trust me, I’m so very happy to know all of you.

@dekirukoto @wisesteyed @lacobscur @akhilleuskcsmcs

[badrpstories]

Words alone seem insufficient to express the importance of good communication between muns. Nevertheless, I shall make an attempt in sharing this little story. Disclaimer: there’s nothing lurid or inflammatory here. No fictional sex and violence, no controversy bait. I’m pretty sure there’s nothing triggering…just a mention of mental illness and I think there’s a metaphor that involves drowning but, that’s about it. It’s not even remarkably bad. Just sad. So, if you’re hoping for something scandalous, you’ve been forewarned.

Several months ago, I lost an rp partner that I considered a friend. It’s been long enough for me to be capable of writing this but not long enough for me to be truly over it. I’m writing this because the reason I am still not over it is that I don’t know how much of that loss was my own fault and my behavior in response to that loss has probably ensured that I will never know.

Prior to starting threads we spent a couple months chatting, as often as every other day to once or twice a week. Skimming over the chat log to confirm that frequency reopens and rubs salt into old wounds. 

Then, after we started threading, just a few replies in, they went MIA. No heads up, no indication of any problems, they just vanished. This wasn’t their first disappearing act. Roughly a year before this they had done something similar, albeit under different circumstances. 

With the exception of this ghostly behavior, they were everything I could hope for in an RP partner and, from all I knew of them, I very much liked them as a person and would have liked to count them as a friend. Their other partners seemed like a good group of people that I’d be happy to interact with as well. Since I have very limited free time for RP I’m understanding of others in that situation; I’m also very particular (probably a little peculiar), and perhaps more selective than I’ve a right to be, or have admitted to being in the past. I’m a choosy beggar. So, when they resurfaced and reached out to see if I wanted to write with them again I was elated. I was also very concerned that I might have caused or contributed to their previous disappearance. They assured me I had not, that I’d done nothing wrong. They explained what had happened before and insisted that they’d be sticking around this time.

Had they seemed less available, or less enthused, during those two months before we started writing, had they not been initiating chats and responding so quickly, it would have been different. There should have been a better discussion about future activity expectations. At one point they remarked ‘even if we can only do one reply a week each’ (something to that effect) and that sounded perfectly reasonable to me.

The last time I heard from them all seemed well. I messaged them a little over a week later, after I’d posted replies, just to inform them of some technical issues I was having. When another week had gone by without hearing from them I was starting to get worried. I expressed my concerns and said I would appreciate hearing from them, even if they were unable to reply on threads, just to know everything was okay. Early on, when we were chatting, they had offered their cell number. I didn’t take them up on it. I’m careful with my personal info, it felt too soon and, while I certainly don’t like to be left hanging, I didn’t want them to feel like I needed to keep tabs on them. I was fine with tumblr being our only point of contact.

Six weeks went by with no sign of them. Logically, I knew it was possible that something had come up, that real life might have overwhelmed them. It wasn’t as if they were actively RPing with others but, then again, they could have been on other blogs I didn’t know of, so I couldn’t really take anything from that. I also know that for most in rp, six weeks of zero contact would be considered a sure sign that the other mun is not interested. I know there are those who will simply ghost others they no longer wish to interact with, some openly admit to it.

I was starting to dissect our OOC exchanges and second guessing everything, looking for anything I might have done wrong, anything that might have been misinterpreted and taken wrong. I would never claim to be perfect in any way but I couldn’t come up with anything that, when weighed against all of our OOC talks, would seem to warrant them having a serious issue with me. Before their disappearance they’d had me feeling confident that they were comfortable discussing any problems, but after all that time without so much as a quick im or psa post it seemed increasingly unlikely. I was now too nervous and shy to even consider reaching out to their other partners.

Mental illness should never be used as an excuse. I’m not including this next part to garner sympathy, only to state facts. I did go through a period of wanting sympathy and commiseration but that’s not the purpose here, this is for explanation. By the end of that sixth week my anxiety had taken over and I was drowning in a whirlpool of mixed emotions, swinging between worry over their well-being, remorseful self-flagellation and bitter, resentful resignation. Yes, I know: It is only a hobby. It is ONLY fucking RP. But I could not simply shut the feelings off and repeating that mantra to myself, reminding myself how irrational and insignificant this all was only added new layers of misery. I tried to distract myself. I wanted to do the intelligent thing and move on, find some sort of victory in happiness with other partners but, I couldn’t think about RP at all without circling back around to this: Where had I gone so wrong? 

What if I unwittingly make the same mistakes again?

What if I approach another potential partner or group and accidentally come across them on a different account? Will they think I’m stalking them? Should I just stay away from anything remotely similar?

What if I totally misjudged them from the very beginning?

At the risk of sounding really melodramatic, the worst of it was the feeling of being unable to accurately gauge another’s attitude and intentions, the fear that there is something fundamentally flawed in my perception of other people. But that is something I’ve struggled with a long time, in real life, due to experiences.

Desperate for answers, I went trawling the cesspool of salt and confessions, sifting through and inspecting every possible explanation, from the petty and absurd to the grave and severe. There I came upon things that seemed, to my stress addled brain, sure signs confirming my fears and suspicions. Maybe I was right. I’ll never know, and that just might be due to what I chose to do next.

There are more details. There always are, right? There’s more to the story that might give a little more insight but, those might be too revealing, for both of us involved. This is no call-out and those details aren’t critical to the purpose. However, given those details, my state of mind, the history, the timing, all of our previous discussions and traded reassurances, their actions felt almost punitive and mocking, as if they had done this to ensure I’d never even want to interact with them again. So, I sent a curt im and soft-blocked them.

I can still remember the feeling of my fingertip hovering over that block button as it wavered, through tear-blurred vision, in time with my pulse. The guilt was instantaneous. But I didn’t stop there, oh no! I did the same with a mutual-mutual because they were partners first so of course that person wouldn’t want anything to do with me either. I had intended that to be the end of it. I didn’t even stick to my own resolution. I later sent a lengthy rant expressing my hurt and frustration, chiding them for not having the courage to give me a simple, honest, clear rejection. Over the following months I became increasingly convinced of mistakes I had made early on. In random moments of weakness I would message again, attempting to apologize for these errors, although I was still hurt by the fact that they’d never mentioned any problem (assuming there was one to begin with). Eventually, I deleted our threads, changed my url, essentially shut down. Ultimately, I came to terms with the fact that my own behavior had turned toxic. I should have just quietly walked away after a month of no contact. Instead, all I’d done had achieved nothing but piling wrong upon wrong. I messaged again, trying to apologize for that.

I’ve never seen a trace of them since the last time we spoke so many months ago. I have been told they are alive and more or less well, I’m not sure whether or not I should believe everything I’ve heard. Now and then, I worry that there was some wild misunderstanding, or maybe some bizarre glitch. More worrying is the possibility that their real life circumstances actually have been difficult enough to keep them from ever logging on at all for all this time. But I don’t really think any of that is plausible, more like some sort of twisted wishful thinking that only makes me feel worse. It wouldn’t make me feel worse if I hadn’t reacted like I did and now it’s the only reason I haven’t completely gotten over this, because I wouldn’t want to hurt anyone, I never intended to hurt them. As hurtful as what I did do may have been, I was only able to because I believed they did not care at all. But I know that does not make it right, or healthy, regardless of whatever the facts about their disappearance may be. 

So, if you ever find yourself in a similar place, as difficult as it may be, try to avoid making the same mistakes I did. Do not block. Don’t even soft-block. Just drop it and try to forget. Vent anonymously if you must. Try not to say anything you might ever, ever regret. Don’t screw yourself out of the chance to walk away with a clean conscience.

[lwoorl]

Fanfic retrospective 2018

I have seen 2 people doing this and I thought, oh, why not?! So lets revisit all the fics submitted last year!

Online Hero Need Friends:

Summary: Izuku makes some online friends when he's in middleschool that he keeps when he becomes a pro hero. But he never told them he's The Deku.

Thoughts: This fic was kind of unexpected for me! In a lot of ways. I got inspiration for the idea from a post of Tumblr, but wasn't really going to do anything with it, and one night, suddenly, I just started to write it! I finished the first chapter around 3am on a work day and the response was… Unexpectedly amazing? I remember watching at my phone just seeing the numbers growing and growing, so many people just loved it!!! So I decided hey fuck it let's make it have multiple chapters so, I sort of did that. All chapters were written on moments between classes and it's amazing so many people liked this because it's mostly just a self indulgent piece of fluff with some ocs hanging out, a friend described it as “A long ass fic where nothing happens” (Which is super accurate) but I enjoyed making it and I loved creating the characters!!! I'm gonna finish it sometime in 2019. Sorry for everyone who's been waiting for the epilogue, but I promise this isn't abandoned!!!!

This is my most successful fic to the date which is honestly fucking weird. I'm serious guys, this is a story where NOTHING happens, just fluff with no substance and not even with characters you already know beforehand!! The hell is wrong with you?!

I don't believe you. You aren't like THAT:

Summary: Dick tells Damian he's gay. His brother doesn't take it well.

Thoughts: Ooof this fic. This was a vent fic. I made it after some stuff happened, mostly cause I relate super hard to Dick's relationship with Damian. Tbh this is just a self indulgent wish fulfilment piece of crap, but hey, that's what fics are for, aren't they?! It's actually super embarrassing to think this was my first DC fic, because, again, self indulgent trash. I'm honestly never ever ever gonna recommend anyone to read it, it's, well, embarrassing!!! I hope no one who knows me in real life ever touches it, they would immediately know which situation made me write it and I would just combust with embarrassment on the spot. Ugh. I've thought about orphaning it because, again, super personal and super embarrassing!!! But it's also kind of close to my heart? So I don't think I could just throw it away ever.

Night Habits:

Summary: Damian has a nightmare and goes to Dick's room to feel better. It's not the same as before. (Talon!Dick Grayson series)

Thoughts: This is another fic that was surprisingly popular!! I was thinking of writing a talon!dick story for a while now, and one day I just sit and wrote this. Again, Dick and Damian's relationship is SO precious to me, so of fucking course I did it about that. To be honest I feel this story is lacking because it lacks any context whatsoever, it's a problem I've noticed with all that series, it's just cute or sad moments without much context. But then again, it's fanfiction, and I learned a while ago to stop worrying whether something I post is good or not. Personal enjoyment > Quality.

Grappling Hook:

Summary: Little Dick Grayson goes missing soon after he moved to the manor. Bruce finds him sleeping in the cave as a grappling hook. (Shifters AU series)

Thoughts: Oh man. Listen, one day I just thought “Hey, I wanna see a soul eater AU of the batfam.” Then I looked and looked… And there wasn't any!! Can you believe it?! So I started to think of my own, not really knowing if it would be a comic or an ask blog or a fanfic. 

Soon it became more of a soul-eater-inspired thing than something actually related to soul eater, because honestly the only thing I really wanted was an au where everything was the same except people turned into objects. I shared the idea with a friend and we started to brainstorm worldbuilding and headcanons. One of those headcanons was that one day Dick just sorta disappeared and Bruce found him as an object sleeping somewhere. I'm not sure why I wrote this first? But I guess I had to start the series somehow and people liked it. So, yay.

Bo Staff:

Summary: Tim turns into an object for the first time. And then accidentally gets locked in a closet. (Shifters AU series)

Thoughts: My fingers puked this fic THE MOMENT I finished Grappling Hook. Listen, at that point I had been around 6 months without classes and bored out of my mind so, can you blame me? A ton of the following fics also happened DAYS after these, so, yeah, I guess I just really needed something to do, the following weeks were just insanely productive for me.

I like the contrast this fic creates with Dick's. Overall, I think it's ok. I'm not sure if I want to subscribe to the portrayal of Tim's parents here? I like the idea that they care but just are too absorbed on their work to actually notice the kid exists, but I think here they came off as downright hateful. Oh well, I can blame it to it being from Tim's POV I guess. Unreliable narrator and what not. I also think I didn't make it as angsty as I wanted it to be, but most people said it was still pretty sad, so, I guess that's ok.

How (not) to cope when your brother is turned into a zombie that might or might not still be him:

Summary: Tim realizes he's (just maybe) been fucking up a little bit. (Talon!Dick Grayson series)

Thoughts: Oh, this thing. I liked how this thing turned out! I don't 100% like my portray of Talon!Dick on this series. I wanted to make it kind of like Rei in the evangelion movies after she becomes an empty doll, but, like, not so drastic? But idk man, I just have seen way more interesting portrayals of Talon!Dick before so maybe that's why I feel like it's lacking. 

I really enjoyed writing this one fic tho, there are some scenes I really enjoyed writing in here, like when Tim got kicked out of his team for an university project hahaha. Also this was my first time writing a nightmare and it made me realize my deep love for writing dream sequences. Since then I'm trying to restrain myself from adding a dream to every single one of my stories, since I feel it's more powerful with moderation, but believe me when I say the tentation is there…. Hm. Maybe I could write something that's nothing but compilations of characters dreams???? Sure would be a cool character exploration exercise. Hm. Hmmmmmm… I might just have had an idea….

Training:

Summary: Jason asks Dick to help him training on being a shifter. (Shifters AU series)

Thoughts: This was a fun thing to write!!! I wasn't sure about writing young Jason, but it turned out alright, and overall I just had fun making this!!! I think I portrayed Dick and Jason's relationship well enough, maybe a bit more friendly than they were at the time, but fuck it, I liked this story.

Changzhou Comb:

Summary: Cassandra has a hard time forgetting old habits. (Shifters AU series) 

Thoughts: Oh man. This thing. This thing. Listen I didn't know Cass that well before writing this, I knew some about her and her backstory, but I wasn't really that interested in the character. However, I got this thing that makes me want to portray characters that aren't mine really well, so, naturally, I read every single one of her issues as Batgirl as preparation. Twice.

And. I. Loved it. I loved it so much!!! I loved her so SO much!!! She was such an amazing, endearing, interesting character!!!! Then I finally sit down, and started the story. And let me tell you I was SUPER worried this would turn out mediocre, I wanted to portray the character well but didn't think I could. But then, then something, I don't know what, but something possessed me and I just… Began writing. And it turned out amazing. This is one of my best fics to date. I'm super proud of this one and it's a shame it's the least popular story of this series.

Grandfather's Collection:

Summary: A funny cute little story from Damian's childhood: The first time he pets a cat! (Shifters AU series)

Thoughts: This fic was fun to write! It allowed me to show some stuff I wanted to show and it's always a treat to use an unreliable narrator. Also Damian as a tiny little kid excited because of a cat is a treasure. I guess I wish this had been a bit creepier??? But then again, it's hard to make anything truly creepy when your narrator is a tiny kid who's having the best day of his life.

Revolver:

Summary: Some time after coming back to life Jason discovers something's changed. (Shifters AU series)

Thoughts: I got conflicted feelings about this one. On one hand, I like how the narrator for Jason turned out, and I think the story is fine, it just feels… Idk, contrived? It does depart from canon by a lot (I'm sorry but I just love aus where Jason stays with Talia and Rah's for some time) and I worry Rah's motivations come off as, you know, kinda shallow??? He feels like a Disney villain. And I honestly like writing him like a Disney villain???? I know he's complex in canon and stuff but… Idk, I kind of really enjoy writing him as the embodiment of evil who can decide if you live or die in a whim, so I will probably keep writing him like that, even if it's ooc.

Engraving:

Summary: Tim asks Jason if he knows a good tattoo parlor. (Shifters AU series)

Thoughts: This one was fun!!! This was a bit of worldbuilding I wanted to show since I first invented this AU, and I think it turned out alright. I'm satisfied with Jason and Tim's interactions. I think including the conversations with Kon and Bart at the end was kind of forced maybe??? But fuck it!! It's fic!!! Personal enjoyment > Quality!

Sleepover:

Summary: Damian has a nightmare. Set during Dick's time as Batman. (Shifters AU series)

Thoughts: Hellooo again my love for writing weird ass dreams!! This fic was fun, and I like how it ended. From Damian's nightmare to Dick comforting him, it was nice. Just, a nice fic overall. I don’t have much else to add, just. I liked it, I had fun. I really like this one.

Tantrum:

Summary: Jason refuses to shift back, Bruce is out of his depth. (Shifters AU series)

Thoughts: Honestly this is bad. Just, a bad fic. I really wanted to write something with this general plot, but I don't know if I just wasn't inspired or what but at some point I just went “Ya know what, fuck it.” And rushed it, just, getting out of the way the list of things I wanted to include. Which is a shame cause the basic premise was good!!! I think I might rewrite it someday, I would like to actually write something good out of that plot. Hm.

Let's dance in my borrowed shoes tonight:

Summary: Dick is missing. Someone has to cover for him. (Talon!Dick Grayson series)

Thoughts: Another Cass fic, another idea I wasn't sure I could live up to, another amazing fic that turned out better than expected. I don't know why but Cass just awakens some poetic part of me I guess. It's funny, the more I write her, the more she starts to turn into my favorite character.

I like this one, a lot. Cass as Nightwing is super super cool, and I like how awkward and insecure she is with the whole thing. I really liked the whole watercolor thing too. I was practicing how to use watercolors around the time I wrote this, so you can bet that line came directly from that. I liked to describe the city as painting, I think it suits it. I just. Liked that part a lot.

Also you get a random girl trying to kiss Cass, so what’s not to love?!

Hight morning last minute visit:

Summary: Jason visits someone he hasn't seen in a while. (Talon!Dick Grayson series)

Thoughts: I had this idea for a while now, almost since the beginning of the series, a friend gave it to me and I wanted to write it but I wasn't sure how. I think this turned out alright, I liked my portrayal of Talon!Dick in this one for a change, and I really really liked adding that part where Jason admits he didn't actually kill anyone and tells the story of the kid.

Also, I had this idea for the happy birthday, and I even told my friend “I'm gonna end it in happy birthday Dick and it's gonna be super sad” and she was like “uhhh… Ok?” And I made sure the last line was a gut punch, and based on the reaction of everyone in the comments I succeeded!!!! It was important for me that the last line turned up the sad a lot, it was the whole point of the fic, so I'm glad I could make it work!!!!!

And by the way, the title isn’t a typo. I know how to write “high”. 

Training II: Teacher's teacher

Summary: Someone had to teach Dick how to be good at shifting before he was actually good at it. (Shifters AU series)

Thoughts: Oh man, this whole thing was basically just an info dump disguised as fluff. I needed to add some worldbuilding before moving to some stuff in this series so I used this to get it out of the way, I really hope it wasn't too confusing!!!

In general I liked this fic, I had a ton of fun writing it! I had this idea of Lois being an absolute beast in this AU and I'm happy I could finally show it off, even if I kind of feel she's a tiny itty bit out of character.

Also, there are tons of fics exploring Dick's relationship with Clark, but not so much with Lois. I wanted to make them closer in this AU than in canon and I like how their relationship was portrayed here…. Lois is just a ton of fun.

I also really like how when Lois talks about being a shifter her speech is exactly the opposite of what Dick tells Jason, just a fun detail that shows everything the characters say is just their perspective and everyone got a different opinion on how they see being a shifter, no one’s 100% right.

This was the last fic of 2018 and you got no fucking idea how hard it was to have it ready in time. I almost didn't include the last part because of lack of time, but!! At the end I was able to add everything I wanted to!!! And publish it in time!!!

Special fic

Syntax error.

Listen. Listen. This. This is a special one, that's why I'm talking about this apart from the others. Why is this fic a special one you ask? Oh, I don't know, maybe because I've bEEN WORKING AROUND EIGHT MONTHS ON THIS SHIT BEFORE EVEN PUBLISHING IT?!

Listen. Just. Just listen. I spent way too much time just plotting this story. Way too long. I spent hours just ranting about this to my friends. I made a fucking playlist for this thing. I spent days just figuring out what the chapters will be named. I spent HOURS. DAYS. Researching each character to write them properly, there are chapters I've written like four times for this shit.

Now, is this perfect? Hell no. Specially the first chapters are unpolished as hell and you know you're gonna find typos because I always miss at least one. But as far as I'm concerned this is the only thing I'm actually putting effort into. All the other fics? All the other fics and series I've talked about? Those are just projects to pass the time. Stuff I do when I'm bored. I love them, sure, but it's not like it took more than three hours to write any of them. They're fun stuff, they're entertainment, they're something to pass the time. I will write them between classes or when I'm bored and open drive in my phone and write them without much planning or care. They're just that. Fun

But this thing? This thing right here? Syntax error? That's my baby. That's my goddamn main project. This thing right here already stole hours of my goddamn life and it will only keep stealing more. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

I honestly don't give a fuck how many people read this one, I'm past the point of caring. I have and will keep pouring tears, sweat and blood into this shit. This is something I actually care about. This. This is such a personal project guys…. I…. Love… This one…

So that's the retrospective of fics published on 2018!!!!

Man, that was fun, let's just hope 2019 is also a fun, productive year!!!!!

[ajedialone-blog]

So this has been one of the hardest years of my life because of personal things. I began in March ‘16 over on @thetruthsweclingto-archive as my first star wars rp blog. I branched out, but not much, onto @deviousdecoy and @senatororgana, and a bit with @rebelofalderaan.

Eventually I had to take a big break, about 6 months, while I was in and out of the hospital. I tried a small sideblog, @passionyetpeace, for awhile, with multiple muses before I switched back to mains, just to recuperate. So I thank you all for welcoming me back here on @ajedialone and @ofashandruin with open arms, and I’m glad I was able to come back in good health as well. I was finally able to work up the confidence to play Vader/Anakin, and I’m so glad I did. (There MAY be a third blog in the works, but I’ll cut myself off there : ) )

I made Obi-Wan on December 20th, and am already at 156 followers, while Vader was made the 23rd and has 93. That’s amazing, so thank you guys so much!

Please keep in mind that I am here for you if you ever need reassurances or are having a tough day. I may not be the best speaker, but I can listen. I’m the awkward Dad friend. : )

I’m sorry if I missed anyone! If we’re mutuals, feel free to add me on Skype ( pirateloser ), just let me know who you are!

Special People;

@thiswxldwxldworld- Laura you are so SO important to me. We’ve been friends for around 3 years, I think? But I never hesitate naming you when someone asks (or doesn’t ask ) who my best friend is, I don’t care where you live, even though time zones SUCK. You’ve helped me so much, I’m not sure I would have made it otherwise, and I hope I was and continue to be the same support for you. Also stop buying me such good holiday gifts!! You’re making me look bad.

@mynameisanakin- Shayla Shayla Shayla. I’m so glad Kennedy made that post calling for people for an obianidala thread, because it meant I met you when I did. You’ve made me feel so happy and validated in the short time we’ve known each other, and I love how our minds work (sometimes dangerously) together. I hope we continue to be this connected for years to come. <3 (Also ty so much for the matching friendship bracelets like wtf you’re perf)

@liibcrty- Kennnedy! You’ve been nothing but lovely since the first time I met you, even though I was shy at first on skype (but now you know me for my true self, which is probably WORSE ) It was fun encouraging each other on school work this year, while also not fun because....school. You’re great and I love reading your ooc and ic stuff with other female muses because....girls, man.

@arbitrxte- Rebecca! Thanks so much for listening and being someone I can vent to, while I’m someone YOU can vent to. It’s been fun, and I hope it will continue to be. I’m SORRY I’m so slow at drafts this time around, oops, lately I have no concentration for long threads but I’ll GET ON THAT. You’re lovely and I hope you know your writing is wonderful, your portrayal spot-on, and you’re unique and a valuable Padmé to me. I’ll always be here to encourage you on that.

@ahopefulbunch- Louuuuu. We’ve been round on Skype forever, even with spaces where both of us were busy with irl stuff and didn’t get to talk much (ok, sorry, ‘twas the depression) I’ve always admired your ability to speak out and your strong opinions on things. Also your unwillingness to take shit from others. I’m here whenever you need me, even if time zones really fuck it up sometimes, but hey, I’m always gonna reply. You’re my twin ^^ And I will always send u cute twin and red panda stuffs

@shadowofsherwood- Lee my son, I’m such a proud Dad. I enjoy the lil snapchats I get when I see them (I’m terrible at that I’m sorry) and the animal pics u send me and ur gay horse. You deserve the very best from life and I’ll support you always and also fight anyone for you (though you’re pretty good at doing that yourself) but I got ur back son.

@tachiisms- I’ve dubbed you the most welcoming person in the SW RP world for awhile now! I’m itching to answer my inbox things from you once I get into my rp mindset and Obi-Wan cooperates (which he hardly ever does with Siri, he just wants to banter) Thanks for getting me into Jedi Apprentice (I still need to read more stuff oops)

@beyonderiadu- I know you’re not active right now, but you mean a lot so I’m adding you anyways. I love our lil ginger babies and the lovely chats we’ve had ooc. I will always love my OCs, and you’re definitely one of the top ones on my list.

@feelxdontthink- We haven’t talked in forever, but I really hope you’re okay! I miss writing with you and doing OOC headcanons and stuff, but I hope everything’s going good in your life : )

People I’ve grown close with, though mostly IC and OOC on dash;

@the-delusion-of-a-dreamer- I really miss our Obitine stuff and hope to get back into it soon! You’re a darling and I love reading your silly tags on OOC stuff and getting mad along with you @ unnecessary manpain and poor treatment of female characters. Literally Satine, right?

@bencannolikenobi- We didn’t talk much before because I was such a shy baby before?? But yes I’m keeping you okay? We’re gonna do all the rp things. Thanks for getting drunk with me last night lol.

@datapadz- You’re always so encouraging the few times we’ve talked OOC! I hope I get SOMEWHERE with our threads this time, haha, Ben’s often left speechless over Galya and never expects her to do/say what she does so he always has to sit on it for awhile.

I know peacexquiet deleted her blog, but I just wanted to make a note here that I truly treasured her and Obi-Wan adored his sad padawan so much. You’ve been great, friend!

People I’d love to RP more with;

@anewvoice /@askywxlker / @beautifulkindbutsad / @beforedcrk / @cfmartyrs / @crossingstars / @fineknight / @forcedrebel / @messedupmiinds / @paxjinn / @rebelledhope / @snxps / @stellacoronae / @sxnofthesuns / @tatooinetot / @theirmothcr

People I’ve followed forever from many blogs;

@captaxn / @galaxyslasthope / @ifeelitagain / @isooto / @jedialis / @justcallmejolly / @lxdytano / @master-jedi-shaak-ti / @oftwileks / @snippylittletano  / @synnagedrow / @tatooinejedi

People I haven’t interacted with but admire from afar;

@binarywake / @blindedspectre / @commandeursniips / @forgedinglass / @ncthingtolcse / @noretii / @rebelresolve / @sinsof-ourfathers / @violetbalance

[all-cursed]

anyway im drunk and ddepressed and prolly going to try and sleep in a second here but i wanna say how much i love that WE doesn’t shy waay from showing dudes just. being openly affectionate with each other without any weirdness or stipulations about it

it’s nice

[all-cursed]

i was playing RDR2 and i’m rage quitting now lmao i’m angry, this is upsetting, i may very well get my feelings out by just adding some characters to my other multimuse or giving some of my boys here a RDR2 verse or something lol

[all-cursed]

prolly not gonna be active tonight; i’m at the end of my rope it feels like and i’m just too frustrated lol. i start my weekend job tomorrow so we’ll see how active i can be for the next two days i guess

[all-cursed]

update: i was gonna be active on here but a sudden onslaught of anxiety said otherwise

may distract myself with writing or may not we’ll see

[all-cursed]

should i be using writing as therapy? prolly not but i’m gonna do it anyway before i try to go to bed lmao sorry in advance