#추억들이 쏟아져 내려

[minwoo-ia]

추억들이 쏟아져 내려 - {self}

Memories spill down Welling up in my heart And falling down as tears Your star that’s engraved in me still shines in me I’m still looking at you In front of your memories that faintly come I become numb, I’m breaking down I tried so hard to hold onto you But you’re fading away, you’re disappearing

It has been a few months now. This is the first time I can write about it. I have to write it down. I have to put into words what has happened.

If not for me then for mom, for dad. For everyone who has eyed me questioningly. 

For everyone who has helped or was involved. 

For @leejieun-ia who has been such a soft and warm person in my life that I do not deserve. For @eternal-youngmin who I have lost once again but is still there. For @prince-beinion who might be somewhere else in mind and body but who was the living proof that sometimes it better to lose someone all together than to have them return. For @jaejoong-ia who will probably disagree with me. For the fairy with the heart of crystal, who still haunts me in my dreams. For @taexmin-ia, @dokyungsoo-ia and @jamie-ia who have helped me find the pieces I couldn’t find alone.  For Zachary, the first one in a long list of people that would die after I gave them my heart.

For @kimjonghyun-ia who I haven’t seen for weeks now. Who I once thought would walk this road with me, instead of have taken a different road. 

This, my friends, ex lovers and all those that read this, is the story of how I found my sister & lost her again. 

The saying, time is medicine, became a habit It’s about accepting everything that happens But I can’t sleep and you keep coming to me What do I do? I miss you

It probably is best to start at the beginning. When I was young, I had a sister, she was way prettier than me and I never liked it. She was a rare demon, a time demon. My parents who are quite common kinds of demons were surprised when she was born and even moreso when I came along, another demon of a rare kind. I never thought much of it, I was just pissed I couldn’t summon fire like my dad or had large energy swords like my mom. My sister, Eunbin, was soft and kind and never seemed to mind she had no obvious powers. Her powers came in later, she could stop time, manipulate the pure existence of mankind with the blink of an eye. She was magnificent.

One day.

She was no more.

My sister never was found, no one knew where she was, my parents were devastated and if I look back; that is when the fighting started. My father blamed my mother, my mother my father but they loved each other so much that I always assumed it would make them stay together forever. Forever, in demontongue, is an actual forever. Not the forever of humans or other mortals, no the forever of a demon is an actual endless thing; as long as you don’t get beheaded by a hunter or accidentally trip into a volcano. Forever is pretty permanent. 

They searched for years and as I grew up, my mother made a grave without a body, planted a single rosebush on her grave. As I grew up, the grave turned into a garden and there were roses everywhere. I think that was my mother’s way of dealing with the loss. My father just set things aflame. 

At one point, long after I moved out to the academy, I met an angel who showed me the heavens, it was around that time that I followed a vision where I saw her; my star. My sister. It is ironic that what I needed was heavenly intervention to find her; she showed me places and memories. I thought I was going insane; I went to a fortune teller, a sight seeker, a tarot master and a warlock. They all gave me the same answer; to follow the vision. So I did. I found the first shard in a vision, just at the street. I knew then, that my sister wasn’t dead, she was scattered in time and space.

You turn into longing and come to me My darkened spaces get bright with you Don’t go far away, I must have you When I walk, I still look around me To check if that person who resembles you, is you

In between my fiance died, I went to hell and back, got a dog, cheated on my zombie of a husband, had a friend become a God, had another friend become a star creature that lost his marbles and offered to kill a friend to end his suffering. You see, this whole situation could have been resolved a lot easier if it wasn’t for my whole life falling apart underneath me. It took me years to find all the locations and get to the shards themselves. Some were lost in actual outer space, others under water, then one was buried in the darkest memory I had, in the bloody snow where my fiance died. 

The last shard was hardest to find; I spend months on figuring out what I had seen. A dark room with books and a muffy smell. It took me a while until I could figure out who it was I had seen in the vision; so I went to him and asked access to the place I had seen. The place where the last shard had been. 

It did not make sense though. All the places had been metaphors or actual places that had been significant to my sister. Even the one in outer space had made sense because she had been obsessed with stars and planets. It was only logical that a part of her soul would be there, but the filthy, old and abandoned basement? 

When I was there, I wasn’t in a basement. I was in a murder cage. There was demon blood everywhere and books on experiments on demonic kin. It was the workplace of a warlock; one we have heard of in children tales designed to keep us inside at night. A warlock that experimented with the immortality of demons. One that could manipulate the core of what we are in a sick envy of our power. This was what my sister had been trying to tell me, this was not only the last part of her soul but also the puzzle. 

This was what had hurt her. 

When I got back home, I went to a secret place within academy walls. I put the shard with the others, and she was whole again. My sister, oh my dearest star, she appeared in front of my eyes. With her long raven hair ending in silver and golden skin. Her dark eyes framed by lashes as long as a deer and soft lips that had the color of peaches. 

But don’t show me your brightness Because it shows the scars in my heart You shine a bright light into my dark heart, star

This is where writing becomes hard- this is where my memories are crystal clear but my pen wavers. This is where I hesitate to continue. But I have to- She was there, laying on the ground, shivering before I fell down to the ground with a cry and tears streamed over my cheeks as I held your cold body. You weren’t well, you were in pain. You had been ripped into pieces for such a long time, scattered across two dimensions that your body couldn’t go on. You couldn’t even open your eyes as you stammered and wheezed in pain. I couldn’t let you suffer. Your frail hand grasped mine as you whispered your last wishes. You had seen everything, you had always been there, always watching over me, us, always worrying and always, always, in endless pain. 

Endless pain. 

I knew it there and then, that forever was endless in a demon’s tongue. That it was truly without an ending, that what had been done to you, had been done long before you took your first breath. It had been a design by a sick creature, something that no one could have stopped except perhaps you, yourself. 

Forever in pain, was not what you deserved. ‘

You wished to die. 

And thus, I granted you your wish. There in the sacred chamber, where no one will be allowed to come, ever again. It was easy to stop your beating heart, it was so weak already. It was easy to unwrap your fingers from mine and lower you on the cold floor as I laid my head on your shoulder and cried until I had no more tears left. 

That was when I picked you up, with one shoulder red with tears. Your head against my chest and your hand hanging off your body, lifeless as the soft fingertips would never feel a warm skin again. I could hear your voice but I knew it was my mind playing tricks on me as I summoned a portal and brought you to the garden. 

You turn into longing and come to me My darkened spaces get bright with you Don’t go far away, I must have you When I walk, I still look around me To check if that person who resembles you, is you You’re like a lost piece You’re my star, my star

It was easy, so easy to dig a hole as my mom screamed behind my and fell down to her knees hysterically holding your body as I stood in the pit I was digging. My father appeared and I heard him scream behind me, I heard him rage and run off, disappearing. He always dealt with pain in a way to react in anger. By the time I was done digging the grave I climbed out. Covered in dirt as I stammered out and took your body from the claws of my hysterical mother. A mother who gave up after a few minutes and let me take you to your place. 

Surrounded by roses.

Near the home you grew up in. 

I pushed the locks of hair out of your face one last time. I kissed the tip of your nose once more before I climbed out and walked away before I lost my step and fell down. Curled up in a ball and cried, not the soft crying that you do at a funeral. But the loud and hysterical crying that comes from realizing how unfair life is, how fucked up destiny is and how cruel fate can be. And I wished, I wished that I laid next to her, in that hole in the ground because where else could I be?

But I heard you laugh, one last time. And your fingers seemed to touch my cheek, one more time. 

And I knew that I had finally done what you had wanted, what you had longed for all this.time.

And that, to whom it may concern, is the story of how I found my sister & lost her again.

Memories spill down Welling up in my heart And falling down as tears Your star that’s engraved in me still shines in me I’m still looking at you

[jeongminiloveu]

BOYFRIEND – Star

아련하게 다가오는 너의 기억 앞에 난 또 무뎌지고 있어 무너지고 있어 온 힘을 다해 너를 붙잡으려고 노력하지만 넌 또 흐려지고 있어 사라지고 있어 넌

시간이 약이란 말이 입버릇이 돼버렸어 흐르는 모든 걸 그대로 받아 들이는 것 잠은 오질 않고 너만 계속 날 찾아와 어떡해 니가 보고 싶어

그리움이 되어 나를 찾아와 어두워진 내 주변을 너로 밝혀 멀어지지마 난 니가 있어야만 돼 아직도 난 길을 걷다가 주위를 둘러봐 널 닮은 저 사람이 너일까 봐 넌 내게 잃은 조각 같은걸 You’re my star, my star 넌 나의 별 Oh 넌 나의 별이 되어준 My baby

넌 나의 별이 돼줄래 My baby 니가 어디를 가도 My lady 환한 모습 보여주지마 내 마음 상처 내니깐 어두워진 마음의 밝은 빛을 내니까 Star TV속 그 어떤 여배우가 나와도 넌 꿇리지 않지 또 끌리지도 않아 별의 별 여자들이 내 옆자리 앉더라도 뭐 어쩌라고 다 필요 없어 그저 Over

그리움이 되어 나를 찾아와 어두워진 내 주변을 너로 밝혀 멀어지지마 난 니가 있어야만 돼 아직도 난 길을 걷다가 주위를 둘러봐 널 닮은 저 사람이 너일까 봐 넌 내게 잃은 조각 같은걸 You’re my star, my star 넌 나의 별 Oh 넌 나의 별이 되어준 My baby

추억들이 쏟아져 내려 가득히 내 맘속에 고여서 눈물이 되어 흘러내리고 있잖아 내게 새겨진 너란 별이 여전히 내 안에서 빛나 아직도 바라보잖아

그리움이 되어 나를 찾아와 어두워진 내 주변을 너로 밝혀 멀어지지마 난 니가 있어야만 돼 아직도 난 길을 걷다가 주위를 둘러봐 널 닮은 저 사람이 너일까 봐 넌 내게 잃은 조각 같은걸 You’re my star, my star 넌 나의 별 Oh 넌 나의 별이 되어준 My baby