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waitinqroom · 1 year ago

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this is a story that i'm really only posting it for myself and it's very long but it's a little bit romantic and the fuck of it all is that it's all real so. 🤣🤣🤣

ʚɞ ᥫ᭡⋆˙⟡♡˚⋆˙⟡ꨄ₊˚⊹⋆✿˖°⋆˙⟡♡˚✿˖° ʚ♡ɞ˚ᥫ᭡ ʚɞ

when i was a little kid i went to the same summer camp every summer. we swam in a pool and we played dodgeball and we played duck duck goose and we ate ice pops. when we were old enough we went on away trips on school buses to places like water parks and hikes along the hudson river. i loved my camp so much! with my whole heart!

and the thing about me and my summer camp was that although i had the same friend group of the same girls and boys every summer, i decided that i had a different crush every summer--because everyone was always changing the way they looked and the way they behaved, because we were little kids and that's what children do. and i was always a hopeless romantic, looking for some fun and beautiful and wholly imaginary thing straight out of the books and movies to occupy my mind and heart.

the summer i turned twelve (my birthday is in june, so i turned a different age every summer) i set my eyes upon the prettiest boy i'd ever seen--john. i'd never been friends with john, but i'd seen him in school, sitting at the lunch table a few rows down from mine. i'd always thought he was the prettiest boy in the cafeteria, but i didn't know anything about him and there'd been other, more important things on my mind.

but that summer, when i realized we went to camp together, i decided i had a crush on john. he was the prettiest boy i'd ever seen. besides, he was quiet enough for me to craft an entire personality for him in my mind that didn't necessarily have to match up with who he was in real life.

john was best friends with another boy--we'll call him tyler. while tyler was loud and obnoxious--an asshole, even for a twelve year old, john was nice enough for me to disregard how shitty his friend was. and, of course, he was the prettiest boy i'd ever seen.

one trip we went on that summer was to some amusement park in connecticut. it was an all-day event, and on the bus ride back home, we were all tired and hungry. i had a pack of gum in my backpack, but i only had two pieces left. i of course had one for myself. the second and last piece was up for grabs. all of my friends were vying for it, including john and tyler. john was as quiet as ever, but when i looked a little bit closer at him, and he was bending over, leaning his head on the seat in front of him and though his hair partially covered his face, what i could see of his face looked green in the lighting. he looked sick. desperate. i gave my last piece of gum to john.

i wrote diary entry upon diary entry about john. i genuinely believed that it had been love at first sight, that no one was more beautiful than him, that i would never care for anyone the way i did for him. he was sweet when we exchanged words, and i was convinced that i was in love.

of course, i was twelve and i was stupid. but i did have real feelings, and it all meant a lot to me at the time.

nothing substantial ever happened, but i kept john on my mind and in my diary. he was actually the second crush i ever wrote about in that diary, and the recipient of quite possibly some of my most passionate entries to this day.

the summer ended, a couple of months went by, and i swiftly forgot about john. throughout the months of fall, winter, and spring, i immersed myself in an entirely new community: i learned more about queerness than i'd ever known up until that point.

i turned thirteen and went back to camp. this time, we were old enough to go on even greater, bigger and more interesting trips. we went on overnights to the poconos and boston and niagra falls.

john and tyler were still best friends. in fact, they were so close that a few of my girl friends and i joked about them being lovers. we laughed about the incredibly intimate friendship between the two boys all summer. what made it so silly was the fact that tyler, in addition to remaining an asshole, was openly homophobic. we took the joke so far that we actually ended up writing an erotic fanfiction about john and tyler that ended with one of my friends--we'll call her ivy--killing tyler. (we truly detested him.) we were so proud of the work that we changed the names in it and published it on wattpad.

all throughout this, i didn't have a crush on john anymore. i actually might've been a little bit in love with my own best friend, ivy. we had so much fun together and we created so many inside jokes that would last a lifetime.

the summer ended, and in the fall, ivy and i began talking with john and a few other people, in a group, on snapchat. we thought it was all just for fun. (and of course it was fun! john was such a pretty boy!) however, through this talking, we learned that john actually hated tyler. he told us that he was annoying and cruel and obnoxious. in these fall months, as i continued to talk more with john, more than i ever had, i began to develop another crush. how could i not? he was, after all, still the prettiest boy i'd ever seen. that would never change. but, even though i had a little crush on him now, it wasn't the same way i'd felt the summer i was twelve. that first summer when i'd truly believed i loved him, because i was twelve and that's how hopeless romantics think when they're twelve. this time, for me, it didn't even count. and, of course, i was only in eighth grade, and countless other things were going on. eventually, john faded into the background, i once again forgot him, and i found new crushes.

i turned fourteen and went back to camp. john and tyler were still there, but they were no longer as important as they had once been. i was more concerned with ivy--our friendship had taken a strange turn (as it often does when two queer wlws are best friends) and i was desperate to keep her as my best friend, no matter what. my friend group as a whole had accomplished the greatest thing we possibly could have, in terms of john and tyler (i am referring to, obviously, the gay fanfiction), and that was all.

for a very long time, that was all.

the summer ended.

i turned fifteen.

the summer ended.

i turned sixteen.

the summer ended.

i turned seventeen.

the summer ended.

i was now a senior in high school. i did senior in high school things. i accomplished senior high school things--winning the class writer senior superlative, being the salutatorian of my class of 327 students, committing to ucla (a secret long-term dream of mine). over the past few years, i'd been through countless crushes (ivy, still my best friend, always being an on-and-off constant one of these crushes), a boyfriend, the boyfriend being so inadequate that i was fully convinced that i was a lesbian, meeting a new boy--we'll call him alex--who was so hot and alluring that i became very confused and wondered if maybe i wasn't actually a lesbian. i'd met new characters in my life--a pair of twins and a guitarist and a funny cellist and so on and so forth.

at the very end of the school year, in mid-may, i did another senior in high school thing, this one much less serious: play senior assassin. everyone who participated was randomly assigned another senior to pin with a clothespin and eliminate. there were safety items, safe zones, and "purges" called when none of the aforementioned worked. the game's end date was our prom in june. the grand prize was $500 (each participant had pitched in $5).

though it was all just for fun, people took the game very seriously. they stalked their targets and showed up at their homes and workplaces. people were ambushed and betrayed and ratted out all throughout the weeks of the game.

i secretly hoped and dreamed and wished and prayed that i would get alex, or that alex would get me. i just wanted him so so badly.

but the game began, and i didn't get alex. i got a friend of mine, our school president. i had no idea who had me, and for the first couple of weeks of the game, i could not for the life of me figure out who it could possibly be. tragically, alex had been eliminated, so it couldn't be him.

i asked around.

the twins claimed to know.

someone told me that the guitarist was asking for information about me.

it then occurred to me the one person who was a common denominator between the twins and the guitarist.

who else could it be, other than a boy i'd thought i'd been so madly in love with, so long ago?

john had me.

at first i thought it was funny. i joked around with my friends--"my twelve year old self would be so happy." (meanwhile, my seventeen year old self was disappointed. john wasn't alex. and he wasn't a very exciting assassin either; he hadn't made any attempts to get me out in these first two weeks of the game.)

but then my friend told me how lucky i was. because sure, i wasn't friends with john so it wasn't as much fun and he wasn't at all the boy i'd wanted. but now that we were in twelfth grade, nearing adulthood, this boy john was really fucking hot. and i got to be this hot boy's target.

i then texted john for the first time since eighth grade. i told him that he had to do a better job of trying to get me out in assassin, because right now things were pretty boring. he responded that he was trying.

and so, something shifted.

i was driving home with a girl friend one sunday afternoon when i saw his car waiting by my street. i flipped him off and sped away from my house. he sped up to follow me. i turned onto a main road. he followed me. i lost him a few times and he found me again a few times. the whole ordeal was so silly. we pulled our cars aside and turned our blinkers on. i called him--i still had his number after all these years. we talked about the game, and then this funny thing happened. we kept on talking and talking and talking.

the car chase lasted for two hours. when i finally made it home safely (i'd outsmarted him, of course), he called me again. we talked even more. this time, our conversation went even beyond the game of assassin. we played chess on our phones and shared little pieces of each other's lives.

i wasn't thinking about what i was doing, or what was happening. i was lost in the moment. i was just playing the game--or a few, if you count chess.

the next day, i went to get coffee after school with my friends. i jokingly texted john that he should join us--maybe he could get me for assassin if a purge was called. he responded "ok." five minutes later, i was sitting at a table with a cup of coffee, two of my best friends, and john. he wouldn't leave. he sat there and partook in our conversation. soon enough my friends had to leave, and john said he would leave too.

he got into his car--a car that, funnily enough, had been my dream car all throughout elementary school. i hadn't known anything about cars, but i loved this one, and i wanted to drive in one like it, or at least ride in one like it, very very badly.

john started driving away.

i got into my own car, and it wasn't long before i realized that john was driving to my house.

he blocked my driveway and we had another long conversation before he finally left. he told me he thought my dad's car, which he'd seen in the driveway, was cool.

inside my head, i thought that six years later, john was still the prettiest boy i'd ever seen.

we talked on the phone a little bit that afternoon. he told me about marie curie and radioactivity. i told him about women's rights. my friends who i'd hung out with earlier texted me to tell me how attractive they thought john was, how i had to pursue him in some way outside of this silly game. i was, of course, starting to feel the same way. so i just kept on playing phone chess with him.

the next day, john showed up at a club meeting, for the club i was the president of. a purge was called, and in a few seconds, he got me out for assassin.

it was all over, wasn't it?

i'd had my fun for the sake of my twelve-year-old self, and now the game was literally over. no more car chases, no more showing up to get coffee, no more chess games. no more long conversations that somehow always drifted away from what they had been meant to be about.

but then i thought about what i'd gotten out of this so far (in reality, it was nothing truly substantial), and what i wanted from it. i thought about how he was still the prettiest boy i'd ever seen, and how now i wasn't the only person who thought so. with my twelve-year-old self in mind, i thought that maybe i could make something more out of it, if i really tried.

so i sat down beside john at the club meeting he still hadn't left even after getting me out and we talked about chess. and then before i realized what i was doing, i got a ride from him to the far parking lot my own car was parked in and for approximately 120 seconds i got to ride in my childhood dream car. and we sat in the parking lot for a few minutes, face to face, sitting in my childhood dream car, and we talked about our lives and outer space and the future.

for the next couple of days, i was in a strange limbo in which i occasionally texted john, occasionally got left on delivered for long periods of time, and occasionally got proper bouts of interaction from him. we played chess. i went to taylor swift's eras tour and at metlife night 1, he texted me back right in the middle of the red set. when i went to metlife night 2, he texted me back right as taylor arrived onstage to begin her lover set.

one night, i went out to get ice cream with my friends. we were sitting around a table, talking about john--the pretty boy, the boy i was now chasing, the boy all of my friends told me i couldn't let go of because he was too beautiful.

and then john literally appeared out of nowhere and walked by.

it turned out that he was there with his own friends to get ice cream. their group took a seat at the table next to mine and we all had a big conversation.

it was the strangest twist of fate. it was a random weekday night; my town isn't even that small. he just happened to show up with his friends and we just all happened to be there at the same time. just like he'd somehow happened to get me for assassin and he'd somehow come back into my life like this. and he'd somehow, in the eyes of so many people, achieved the title of being the most beautiful boy in my town. and now he was here in front of my own eyes.

at some point that night, i said something flirtatious to john and ivy (my best friend, the one i've always been on-and-off in love with) made a gagging sound and feigned throwing up. we all sat there staring at her. i felt a funny feeling inside, like something real and terrible and dangerous in all directions was happening.

at the end of that week, my entire grade went to the beach (another senior year activity). my friends and i were actually the first group to arrive, and we were sitting by the water when the second group to arrive showed up--john's group, of course. he walked by and i said hi to him. he got a little bit drunk and i told him we had to keep on playing chess and he had to help me get better. he told me okay. he did that thing where a really tall guy leans down to hear a short girl better and i got butterflies in my stomach.

that night, when we were all home, john texted me about chess. i texted him about my friend's relationship situation with a friend of john's. things suddenly felt so much more real.

the following night, i was with my coffee-date friends from earlier and i texted him "wyd" because we just thought it was fun and silly. he responded "i am eating japanese food." i said "that's hot" and "it would be better if it were korean" (i am korean). he hearted the "that's hot" and said "no Japanese food is my favorite." he later followed up by saying "honestly i'm not really sure if i've ever had korean food."

we kept on going with chess and occasional side conversations. he told me that a day on venus is longer than a year. i told him that space makes my head hurt. for the first time, he ended our conversation by telling me goodnight.

a few days later, i asked john to help me prompose to my prom date--a mutual friend of ours, the cellist i mentioned earlier. i'm running out of fake names for people ummmm i'll call him bill because i'm listening to kill bill by sza rn. sorry off topic. anyways.

john said he would help me. i wasn't sure what that entailed, but i was pretty sure it meant a proper in-person hangout with john. i really only wanted john to help with the actual execution of the promposal, just showing up to surprise bill and taking pictures for the two of us. i called some other friends to help me make the actual promposal poster, but in some other strange twist of fate, quite literally none of them were available.

so i called john and an hour later i was in front of his house and he was getting in the front seat of my car. this was in early june 2023, when that ominous orange smoke was covering up the entire northeastern region of the united states. it was the only thing i could see and smell but it gave me something to talk about with john as we drove to the craft store. and when we were in the crafts store i got all of my supplies for the promposal but john kept on lingering around and talking about different things with me and all i could think about was how far my twelve year old self had come and how this all had to amount to something, right?

over the course of that day, i learned more about john than i ever had. he told me about how he didn't actually hook up with many people because he had very high standards and how sometimes he worried that he was too nice to people and how he ended up leading them on. this entire sequence of things he told me worried me very much.

but then there was another point when we were sitting in the back of my car in the middle of the smoke to make that poster for bill and we got so close that the sides of our bodies were pressed against each other and even after we finished the poster we still stayed like that for a while and we just talked. in the back of my car, me and the prettiest boy i'd ever seen.

even after this pivotal moment, i still wondered if after we were done with this ongoing chess game, john would be done with me. i wondered if we had anywhere else to go from here--the school year was almost over, the game of assassin was over, we were moving on with our lives.

the next day, john texted me a new game of chess. he said he was bored. so the game and our little side conversations went on.

not much longer after, on the day of our prom, i showed up with bill. my hair was curled and i was wearing a red dress and i felt very pretty. i saw john and he saw me and i swear to God his face lit up.

so he complimented me. i felt on top of the world. and during the actual prom, i danced with him a little bit. he looked so good. all of my friends made a point to tell me how good he looked that night.

when it was over, he asked me if i was going to after prom. i said yes. i asked if he was too. he said yes.

so for after prom i got really really really drunk. i texted him his name and he texted me back my name. we eventually met up at after prom. in the middle of a bunch of flashing lights and loud music and drunk sweaty people. we talked about how close we'd gotten and i told him that i used to have a crush on him in middle school. he said he knew, but i don't think he really did. i think he knew i liked him in eighth grade, when we talked on snapchat, but he couldn't possibly know about that real crush i'd had the summer when we were twelve.

then i told john i had a secret but i'd only tell him the secret if he kissed me.

so on that friday night in june in a random club in new york city that let in drunk minors, i told john that my friends and i had written a gay fanfiction about him and tyler at camp. he told me it wasn't that bad of a secret and i asked if he could kiss me now. he said yeah and then he kissed me.

he was literally the prettiest boy i'd ever seen, and everyone else around me thought he was that pretty too, and here i was kissing him.

and then he tried to kiss me with tongue and then i got freaked out and pulled away and then we kept on dancing and i was being very foolish but it didn't seem to bother him. i told him i loved him and he didn't say it back.

that same night, i told alex, the boy i'd initially wanted for assassin so badly, that i loved him and he told me he loved me too and we kept on hugging each other. it felt very fulfilling. why couldn't john tell me he loved me too? i was much closer with him than i was with alex.

john hooked up with two other girls that night and he was all over one of them especially but the morning after he sent me chess again and i put all my dignity aside. i was over the moon. i didn't care that i wasn't the only one he'd had that night even though he was the only one i'd had.

we kept up our chess game and our little conversations and i even called him with my friends and he entertained us for thirty minutes. we never talked about after prom but i was okay with that because i was embarrassed about the whole ordeal, from the gay fanfiction to my pulling away from the kiss to my dancing to the many sloppy things i'd said.

people started saying that i'd hooked up with bill at after prom, which i very much hadn't, and so i freaked out and texted a bunch of people at once and john was one of them. he wasn't very helpful but i didn't care. i just wanted to see if he would say anything about our interactions after prom and he didn't. i wondered if he was pulling away from me, if he was done with me after all my foolishness.

a few nights later i went out for japanese food with my friends. we were sitting around this table at this restaurant, talking and eating and then, once again out of nowhere, john showed up.

this time he was alone. no friends. he'd just wanted japanese food, and we'd just happened to be there. i didn't even like this restaurant; i'd only wanted to go out for ice cream, but my friend had insisted on coming here and now john was here too. the second we saw each other, we both started laughing because why does this always happen to us? and then he sat with my friends and i at our table and when it was time to leave, i got a ride home from john in that fucking dream car of mine. we sat in my driveway and talked for a little bit and then he left.

later that night, i asked if he could pick me up again and he told me that he was too tired.

i took that as a soft rejection.

he sent me a picture of his cat.

a few nights later, i got drunk again and i texted him "sup." and then i told him how i was talking to a cousin of the girl he took to last year's prom and he said "that actually is so crazy." and then he beat me in chess and he didn't send me another game.

i felt defeated. after everything, all of that, six years of a buildup, was it over? was this how it ended? it just seemed like there was so much more left.

the next time i saw him was at graduation.

he parked his car right next to mine and i swear it had to be on purpose because i have a very distinctive car and there was no one else's car in the parking lot at the time when he parked. we took pictures together after the ceremony and at grad night he was drunk and we talked a little bit and i even talked with tyler a little bit and alex was drunk too and he hugged me with so much love. when it was time to leave ivy took me home and she said she saw john smirking at me before i got in her car.

i felt special.

he was the hottest man at my school. maybe even in my town, for our age range. everyone was in love with him. everyone thought he was the prettiest boy they'd ever seen, and i felt like i could call just a little bit of him mine.

i had my birthday party the following day and bill brought john even though i hadn't actually invited john. ivy got mad that he was there but john stayed for a little while and i started to get this terrible inkling that ivy was jealous of john for very complicated reasons. right before he left, john told me happy birthday and i said it wasn't my actual birthday and he said it's the 25th right.

he knew my actual birthday.

the following night, i was hanging out with some friends (one straight guy, three straight girls, and me) and we decided to rank every guy in our high school's graduating class because fuck it we were graduates.

we got into an argument about whether john or alex should be first. they ultimately decided on alex in first and john in second. we ranked 107 guys in total.

one of the girls there--i'll call her ethel bc im listening to gibson girl rn--wouldn't stop talking about how she wanted to get with john and i said if i called him he might probably show up to hang out with us because we were friends like that and then they could hook up. so i called him but he didn't answer and i invited him over but he couldn't come.

a few days later, on my actual birthday, john texted me happy birthday rebekah and i said thank you john and he told me to have a good day.

ethel was having a grad party the following week and she told me to bring john.

i called john and invited him to my next hangout with ethel and co in which we would now be ranking the girls of our class, and i then invited him to ethel's grad party. he said he would come to both outings.

at the hangout with ethel and co, john showed up in a different car than his usual one (my elementary school dream car). it then hit me that this different car he'd showed up in was the only OTHER dream car i'd ever had. this one was my CURRENT dream car. i felt so peculiar.

that night, nothing notable really happened, but john was there and i think it hit us both at that point that we were actually close now, and it seemed like the universe was constantly pushing together.

the night of ethel's grad party, i agreed to be john's designated driver. i picked him up from his house and we showed up at ethel's together and i let him get drunk and do his thing and he flirted with some other girls and i knew he wasn't truly mine and it bothered me slightly but i wasn't going to cling on to him and try to force something when the universe was mostly always doing its job without my help. anyways, he looked so hot that night and everyone knew it and it honestly didn't feel real to me where we were and how much had happened, the two of us. at some point, john needed to go to the bathroom and i offered to guide him into the house because he didn't want to go alone but he said no because he didn't want people thinking we were hooking up.

alex was there too and he was so drunk and at some point he held me in such a way that made me feel like it was everything i'd ever wanted from him and i couldn't believe it was real.

i drove john home and we sat in his driveway and he told me that he was a virgin and he didn't remember who his first kiss was with. he told me he didn't remember anything from after prom except that i'd told him about the gay fanfiction and i think he might have been lying because he didn't want to talk about what had actually happened. i don't blame him. we talked a little bit about alex and i could tell that john resented that we'd ranked alex first and john second (during the girls ranking we'd told john about our guys ranking) and so he tried to list off the things that made him hotter than alex. he told me if i thought that alex was so hot then i should have sex with him. i think he was jealous but i couldn't tell if it was because of me or because of him. i told john i was pretty sure that ivy was jealous of him and he said that made sense and that she was probably in love with me. i told john that i wasn't in love with him and he said he knew. he also just told me a lot about his life and suddenly i was sitting in the car with a completely new person.

it always felt like with every conversation john and i had, another layer was being peeled back. i was uncovering more and more of a human. the john i'd known for all these years, the pretty boy in my head whom i'd loved when i was twelve, and seen walking by in the hallway as we grew up, was suddenly more of a real person than he'd ever been. this conversation in my car made me feel that way, especially.

i learned his favorite colors, the places his parents had taken christmas card photos when he was young, the way he didn't really believe in fate. he knew i liked phoebe bridgers so he told me he'd been listening to a song of hers earlier but he didn't remember which. i told him the extended lore of ethel cain. i learned that he liked olivia rodrigo and this was when her new song vampire had literally just dropped so we listened to it for the very first time together and he said it was a basic chord progression but still a good song. at some point he laughed and i realized how good of a laugh he has. he's so so beautiful and it's so not fair. his lucky number is my lucky number divided by two and there's two of us so i thought that maybe that should mean something.

in my car he took a piece of gum and i thought about how nearly six full years ago now i'd given him my last stick of gum on the bus. i spit out my gum after it lost its flavor and he told me he didn't spit out his gum when it lost its flavor and i thought that was such an interesting difference.

it had been three hours in his driveway at this point and at the beginning i'd sort of wanted something exciting to happen but now i was just too tired and i think he could tell so he left.

when i got home i texted him pictures from the night and he sent me a picture of his hair because i'd wanted to know what it looked like in its natural curly state after it dried. we kept on texting for a little bit and then i told him goodnight.

the following night, there was another grad party. for the second night in a row, i was john's designated driver. bill too! i picked both of them up and we went to the party but before we went i let john drive my car and when we got there the funny thing is that john didn't even end up drinking.

after the grad party it was still sort of early so bill suggested that we go to this abandoned town near us. john and i agreed so we went there and it was sort of fun and creepy and then i took bill and john home. we played sudoku in bill's driveway and then i went to drop john off and we spent another hour talking in his driveway. bill texted me in korean that i had to make a move on john. i didn't know how and he didn't really seem like he was making any moves either, but he wouldn't leave my car either. this time we talked about religion and physics and all sorts of introspective things and i realized that we see all things very differently and it suddenly occurred to me that i really enjoyed john's company and that, everything else aside, we were really really close.

the following night, i hung out with bill and i asked if we could pick john up too. bill agreed and this time john invited us into his house. so for the first time, after those two long driveway conversations, i set foot in john's house. he showed us all these things he had--including a guitar and a poster and a record signed by trent reznor. i thought it was the coolest fucking thing ever and he thought it was so cool that i thought it was cool. we went up to john's room and i sat on his bed and then the guys started talking about computers and video games and then i fell asleep in john's bed.

bill threw something at me to wake me up and then i was up again and we got in his car to go to the mall to pick up something bill had left there. at the mall john suggested we should go ice skating and i said no because i was bad at it and he said he was okay at it. on the car ride home i asked john if i could braid his hair and he said yeah so i braided his hair and i kept on playing with it and he got really close to me and it felt even more intimate than when we'd kissed.

eventually bill had to go home and he had driven us both so we had to leave but now i was going on a trip for a really long time so it would be a while before we hung out again. but john told me "see ya." i said "i love you guys" and he said "you too."

bill texted me that night that he was pretty sure that i was now john's closest female friend. i was pretty sure he was right.

so then i went to korea. he texted me once and deleted a chat and it felt strange. i want to know what that deleted chat was but i don't think i'll ever know. i texted him once about something else and he didn't respond for a full 24 hours. i didn't respond to him at all because it felt pointless.

so now im at the end of my trip and im going home soon and i think now john is going on a trip so i'm not sure when i'll see him next. in a few weeks it will have been exactly six years since i wrote that very first diary entry about john and that is the day i'm having my grad party and so much has changed since then but john is still the prettiest boy i've ever seen and as i'm writing all of this out i'm feeling so many wild things. i don't think we're done at all and we have a lot more left between us but i'm going to college in less than two months and that makes this all just feel very fatalistic. but i also have a feeling john has now forever cemented himself as my hometown boy, and whenever i'm back there, he will be too, for me. the universe has pushed us together in so many ways over the past two months and i think it will continue to do so for a little bit more. or maybe forever. because now he's my hometown boy.

and also like. there are so many other characters in my life. ivy is my best fucking friend and thinking about her in any other context makes my head and my heart hurt so i just pretend like that part of our relationship isnt real even though it very much is for both of us. i had a crush on alex all throughout my junior year and senior year until john came back to me at the very very end of senior year and now it finally seems like there could actually be something between us and if he were down i would sooooo get with him and he lowkey does seem down but it would also send a Message to john so idek.

and yeah thats all lol we'll see what happens next 🤣

#my life is lowkey a movie #also the way most of this just rides on the fact that he is hot. like if he werent as fucking hot as he is it would be completely different #but no. he has to be the literal sexiest man in my town like are you kidding me #also. realized i might end this summer having hooked up with the two hottest guys from my hs graduating class. and then ill fly off to ucla #like bye hoesssss #r

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