#꣼ 𝑔𝑎𝑦𝑎𝑛𝑒 𝑠𝑎𝑒𝑟𝑎 𝑘𝑎𝑛𝑔. / diary.

[hymnoire]

   Old pictures of myself.

   2024, October.

"I don’t like looking at old pictures of myself. When I do, I stare at them for hours, like I’m waiting for the girl in them to speak. The edges are worn, the colors have bled out. They look like they’ve forgotten me. And maybe I have too. The shape of my eyes feels foreign, the mole above my lip—missing. The little scars I used to trace with my fingertips, gone. Were they ever there? Was I ever there? I never asked my father why I belonged here, in this family. I didn’t need to. When I sat quietly in corners, feeling out of place, he’d always find me. “My favorite daughter,” he’d say, his voice soft, his words wrapping around me like a blanket. “You’re special, Gaya. The others just don’t understand you.” And I believed him. How could I not? When he said it, I felt like it was true. But now, when I look back, I wonder. I wonder if something is wrong. My memories feel... off, like they’ve shifted in my sleep, rearranged themselves when I wasn’t looking. The Swans of Misericorde—the cold stone floors, the echoes of girls like me. Like Kaeleena, my sister. They told us we were being made perfect. That we were destined for greatness. But I wonder now if they took more than they gave. Did they carve pieces out of me and replace them with something else? Someone else? I remember the adoption ceremony. It felt like a dream—a new life laid out before me, all shiny and polished. But when I think of it now, it feels staged, like I was watching it happen from far away. The Kangs were powerful. Wealthy. And just like that, I became one of them. A politician’s daughter. A philanthropist’s daughter. It was all so smooth, so easy. Too easy. Did I ever have a say? Or was this always decided for me, long before I even knew? I can still hear him. My father. “Gaya, you love chocolate cake. Eat your chocolate cake.” He’d push the plate closer, smiling like it was a private joke between us. But do I? Did I ever? Or did they just tell me I did, like everything else they told me? His voice, full of warmth and secrets. Secrets I wasn’t supposed to question. But here I am, questioning everything. Trying to pull apart the pieces, trying to see what’s really mine and what was placed inside me. There’s something in the dark, something hidden in the spaces between the memories. Something I need to remember. Or maybe... something I was meant to forget."

[hymnoire]

♦ (leto, ker - for now!)

"Little minx. Come on, I couldn't possibly have a secret boyfriend without a girl to share it all with. My sister kept my secret yet I believe couldn't understand any of it. When I think back Ker was even smarter than me when it came to build shenanigans not to get caught by SIster Elizabeth. Everything was fun with Ker, pretty much all the time I don't remember a moment of us not whispering and giggling to ourselves - even in our Janus phase, God. It slowly changed as we approached graduation. Ker has always been a fervant believer, she has always prayed a little harder and a little longer than me. i got surprised for her to be one of the Swans not affiliated to a family but as time passed, I believe I understand why. Mother's favorite swans are the most devoted."

"Disconnected. That boy, he stood... still. Yes, let's remember all the fights that would break between Janus, that assface, and Minwoo. Of course the crows love a good brawl and you know what, I do too. Just not when it comes to Minwoo, I never liked anybody messing with him. I would throw myself in there first chance I got just for Janus to back off. If he can beat a crow up, it's death row if he ever touches a swan so, I had nothing to lose. I will never forget how Leto always stood in the way, not cheering, not stopping any of this, but watching, I had to push him to get into the circle, yelling at him, Jesus, Move! It was in the heat of the moment, I appreciate Leto, he just always seemed... Out of place, disconnected."

"Gentle. Keres's skin is gentle. I like the way it does glowd under the sun in the meadow when we are together. Her voice. It is gentle too, music that I love laced with the lullaby of mine. She is, has always been, will always be my best friend, my dance partner. As a new world seemed to have opened to our sisters , only Keres and I have been left in our own. My sorrow to have lost Gayane has been grand and yet I could not be more happier as I found peace and safety in my Keres presence. I adore it when we lay down together the most. When we fall asleep together, as well. I do not dream of what tortures my mind at night, my sleep is peaceful when by her side."

"Target. I do correlate the level of humanity to the level of potential betrayal in a Crow. There always has been empathy in the eyes of a being like Leto. I have read his medical file enough times to understand the techniques used on the first generation of crows did do the wonders they were expected to. It happened to be a matter of time before the bells ring, as the crows and the dogs got unleashed in the forest to chase after him. Many couldn't possibly believe, mistaking his behavior for cowardice like many before him - they couldn't be more in wrong. I always knew his predominant humanity will make him a target. It must have taken braveness then for him to take the decision to go and run. How unfotunate - he must die, still.