#〔 HOPE 〕THERE IS THIS MAGIC IN ME AND I CANNOT CONTROL IT LIKE MY MOM CAN

[doll-shaped-cyanide]

Update (10/11/24)

What I'm Into Now

MCU (Wanda Maximoff, Agatha Harkness)

Knitting

Progress (Writing and Knitting)

Not much to report this week writing wise, but I am so close to finishing a shawl that I've been working on (pic below)

This was a feat because this shawl is so freaking big and I've been working on it for like three weeks. I'm a pretty slow knitter and I've completed well over a hundred rows (all with many, many stitches) in a relatively (for me) short time frame

For those curious, this is the Boneyard shawl by Stephen West (pattern free on Ravelry) in Wheel of Alpaca from Hobbii yarn (colorway: Film Noir)

Fic Recs

There we go! I'm thinking about also doing knitting updates along with my writing updates as I tend to just do one or the other throughout the week. As the holidays approach, and I've decided to make my gifts this year, I'm going to be doing a lot of knitting. I'll continue the fic recs, or alternate them out with silly YouTube videos that I've been enjoying, as I watch a lot of YouTube when I knit. Either way, the fic recs are staying.

Agatha All Along thoughts under the cut.

BRO THE SCREAM I SCRUMPT

Let's work backward, shall we?

First of all, we been knew that Teen was Billy, but being on the cusp of confirmation still feels unreal. The sudden change between sweet teenager and Wiccan still felt natural and deserved after he watched Agatha kill Alice but at the same time horrifying. I haven't watched anything else with Joe Locke in it, but I gotta say, the guy can act.

The way Billy knocked Agatha out of her trance with her son's name and the little boy's voice so sweetly saying "mama"... *chef's kiss* We are going to get some more Nicholas Scratch in the future and I am here, ready to twist it to suit my fanfic purposes.

I love the appearance of Agatha's mom and her belief that Agatha was born evil, as well as the idea that once Agatha "latches" onto another witch's magic, she loses control. That's such a cool concept, and I can't wait to see how it plays out.

Jen and Agatha definitely have beef that goes way back, and I really hope we get an explanation for it.

The reappearance of the Salem Seven! Their re-intro was so creepy and I loved it so much.

I am going to vibrate out of my skin! I cannot wait for next week!

[pinkberrypocky]

pmmm rewatch live notes: ep 11

gosh what to even say to preface episode 11 notes. ouchie my heart. the scene where madoka convinces her mom to let her go save homura breaks me every time.

The circles on the floor of homura’s house are the colors of the holy quintet

It's so tragic that homura in trying to save madoka has made her the center of the universe and made it more impossible to save her

Since she is the center of the universe she has more potential power which means that kyubey will want her even more

The shot of madoka being hung up by all the strings of fate is so jesus on the cross

And that makes sense bc when madoka becomes hope and essentially dies by becoming a concept that no one knows in order to save all the other magical girls

Earlier i was saying how homura is jesus but madoka is also so jesus so consider what if the real jesus is the lesbians we found along the way

Literally i am not christian don’t come for me if that doesn’t hold water

 The umbrella madoka uses when she comes home from sayaka’s memorial service is yellow

It’s so wild how kyubey so readily compares his relationship w the magical girls as that of humans and livestock

The shot of the incubators being there making magical girls since the beginning of time is crazy

Cleopatra and joan of arc being magical girls is sooooooooooo

“It wasn’t we who betrayed them, but their own prayers” UGH OUCH

Like by wishing for their wish they doomed themselves 

Ouch owie

Giant shadow of kyubey over madoka’s hunched crying form after he shows her the history of incubators and magical girls

Red and blue lighting when madoka’s mom and teacher meet up to talk about madoka and sayaka

They talk about sayaka “quarreling” with a friend over a boy and it's so heartbreaking to know that that’s all that the world will see

But also in a way it IS why she died it’s because she made a wish for the boy she liked that she is now dead

Painting of those two biblical figures reaching for each other is above the bar they are sitting at

When homura embraces madoka madoka remains stiff and unmoving and for the most part unspeaking like she’s frozen in time

Shot of madoka and homura as a black silhouette and all the shots from all of homura’s timelines literally breaks my heart OUCH

Homura pleads madoka to let her protect her because in the end the reason that madoka keeps dying is that she can’t not protect others

And yet again it backfires bc madoka has such a Need to protect homura and everyone she loves

Scene is very grayscale when we see homura ready to take on walpy

The way that walpy is a stage is SO considering that everything homura does is in act and everything all the magical girls do is really a puppet act being controlled by the incubators

And also how the other magical girls and madokami are watching over them for all time as the audience

Walpy wears bright blue while the whole rest of the scene is grayscale

Except for the bright fire of explosions

The way that homura has trapped not only madoka by repeating so many times but also herself because she has made her whole purpose to save madoka so if she stops now she will become a witch 

she has to keep fighting so that madoka doesn’t die or become a witch and she doesn’t either

Their fates are intertwined in a way that cannot be undone

Madoka’s mom trying to stop her from going to help homura is such a good scene because it reminds us of the age of the holy quintet and the weight of their actions and decisions

It also helps us see into madoka’s head bc she has to explain her reasoning to her mom

It’s also so good because it shows an adult trying to take care of a child which is so lacking in this show sadly

Madoka’s mom asks her is she’s sure that she’s not making a mistake and madoka says yes without a second thought

While the whole rest of the series she has been too scared and uncertain to do anything or make any choices now when the stakes are so high she finally knows what she wants to do and is forging ahead to do it no matter what the others around her think of it

In a sad way, her choice to become a magical girl and save everyone means giving in to the cycle and what kyubey wants 

And it's only then that she has true autonomy

Her only choice that is fully hers is one to give up herself and her autonomy in order to save everyone else

Madoka and homura are literally passing the self sacrificing blunt back and forth

[fullyarmoredbattlesturgeon]

Could I have some resources please on the claim that under anarchism, disabled people would have no aid, especially insulin, etc. I'm an aspiring anarchist but I hear anti anarchists say this stuff and cannot find anything to rebutt their claims or proof of it! I want to be an anarchist, but I do not want disabled people such as myself to suffer under it if that's a true claim

here's a really good all-rounder for you, with sections on both disability and healthcare.

that's such an alien thought to me these days because so many of the anarchists i know are disabled, guess i forgot that there's people out there that think like that.

i gave ya a link, but im gonna share some of my own thoughts anyways.

the thing (that most of us(looking at you, ancaps)) are fighting for is explicitly a society built around mutual aid and accessibility for all.

why would we stop caring and providing for those around us, without the state telling us to?

if the state goes away, my mom and i will still mow and clean up my blind neighbor's lawn and shovel part of his sidewalk. If the state goes away, my sister is still going to watch the dog for our other neighbor who's a busy single mother and can't always be around. if the state goes away, i'm still going to be looking out for my houseless friends and trying to get them whatever help or support they need.

if that can be true on a personal level, why can't it be true on a organizational and professional level? would doctors magically stop being doctors? would people stop making prosthetics and mobility aids?

so why would insulin suddenly dissappear overnight?

does the president like, secrete it, or something?

no, it's made by relatively normal people who make it because it's their job to make it. in a more horizontally organized society, the only thing that would really change is that their workplace would be democratized, and in the context of a gift economy (or something similar) the insulin would be seen not as a product, but something to be given, just as food or water would be.

"from each according to their ability, to each according to their need", right?

care is not something magically handed down from the heavens, it is something that people *do*.

*we* care for us, and to some extent or another, we always have.

how that care is *organized* though, is a political question, and this is what anarchism seeks to change - under capitalism, care is generally something that you either have to pay for, is handed down through "charity", or is controlled and parceled out by the state.

authoritarian communists want to hand everything over to the state, and simply assume that the state will care for us once it controls everything. that nationalization is an unalloyed good, simply because the state ain't the bosses - making it inherently good since the bosses are inherently bad.

on the other hand, a lot of people have this stereotype of anarchists as unorganized, rowdy bandits - but it's not that anarchists don't believe in organization, rather we believe that we should organize as horizontally, freely and democratically that we can. that is to say, anarchists tend to be... less *optimistic* about depending solely on the good graces of an all-powerful state, regardless of what 'flavor' that power comes in.

we take care of us, right?

well, except for ancaps i guess, they think that everyone should just be thrown to the wolves. it's no wonder why everyone thinks the ancaps are clowns.

bit rambly, but hope that helps. this isn't exactly something I'm well-versed in, but even i can defend against arguments as simple as this.

oh and hey, thanks for asking! hope ya have a nice day.

[barbwritesstuff]

Is there a such thing as a half supernatural creature? Like, can one be something like half vampire, half witch or half werewolf, half whatever? Like a "I'm vampire on my mom's side, werewolf on my dad's side"?

Oh! A lore question. I love lore questions! They make me feel like a wizard full of mystic secrets.

Can someone have mixed paranormal heritage?

Sorta... but not in the way you're thinking.

Werewolves are born from one or more werewolf parents. They can't be turned into vampires (vamperic blood is poisonous to them) and any witchy blood they may have will be dormant (eg, they can't cast spells but they may have a child that can).

One big exception: ghosts. Werewolves can be killed and, while it's rare, they may become ghosts after death. Ghosts can manifest in many ways, but often a werewolf ghost will retain their wolfy nature.

One small exception: while werewolves can't become vampires and will violently puke up vampiric blood, they can, if fed small doses from a young age, develop some tolerance and, along with it, vampy traits. However, they will never fully 'turn' and this whole process will make them very sick, and rob them of most of their werewolf abilities. It makes them weak... but more easily controlled and manipulated, which is why vampires do it.

Vampires are created from feeding a large amount of vampiric blood to a person shortly before or after death. If they were a witch in life, they will lose their magic as a vampire. Vampires have no soul, and cannot become ghosts, though their human self may which can lead to some awkward conversations. Vampires are infertile and cannot become or get anyone pregnant.

Witches are pretty much just humans with magic. Sometimes that magic is just one cool ability. Sometimes it's more complicated than that. The most powerful witches can imbue power into their written and spoken words.

Magic often runs in bloodlines, though frequently skips generations. A lot of witches learn their witchcraft from grandparents. Magic can also manifest in the wild, so a person with no witch heritage may become a witch, though this is rare.

Witches can become ghosts but the dead can't cast spells, so while they may still identify as and even teach witches, they're more witch adjacent.

Witches can become vampires, but their magic will die with them.

Ghosts (as stated previously) can manifest in many ways. However, they can't be turned into anything and they can't reproduce.

I really hope some of that made sense...

[recalcitrantlycaffeinated]

DND: session 0.1 (the one where we get a ship)

no, really. No drawn-out six months of real life sessions playing around with rum rations and getting our gear back. Summer campaigns move FAST.

We met in a bar. Specifically, Seamus' bar. The idea was for all of our characters to know each other already to speed things along, but the chaotic tweenager refused to have associated with any of us in the past, so we had to leave it at just being acquaintances who have seen each other in the same bar before. Hex was busking outdoors, Seamus was working the bar, and the rest of us were regular patrons when suddenly the most stereotypical pirate ever stumbled through the doors and repeatedly died on the floor. In-between collapsing he would get out a word or two, but by the end we were mostly just annoyed at him for taking so long.

He had a paper in his hand, and I was going to grab a bar rag to pick it up with, but the paladin had no such fears of untimely death by mysterious paper plague, so he grabbed it. "I hope you don't die, dude" was the first thing I said in character, which was confusing for everyone who does not know me in real life and who was not ready for teenage boy nonsense to happen.

The paper was a treasure map. Seamus knew of a ship we could commandeer, because a smuggler he'd worked with previously was currently in prison and his ship was sitting empty. The paladin immediately took charge of everybody and started ordering everyone around. "As the LEADER of this group..." he said, and so of course I responded, "okay, DAD." This is why I do not remember his character name. My character only ever calls him Dad. There was a lot of squabbling about letting him even have nominal control of the party, during which I stood behind him and mocked him, but he did seem very logical, albeit...moral.

We packed supplies, snuck through the night streets, and made a plan to fool the guards into leaving shift early by stealing uniforms from the fantasy laundromat and impersonating the guards from the next shift. Seamus and I were in charge of the theft. I rolled a Nat 1 for stealth, knocking over a whole stack of clothes, but then started crying about how incompetent I felt and how my mom always does my laundry, so our plan was actually progressing very well...

...until we got back with the uniforms and Hex gleefully announced that while we were gone they had MURDERED EVERYONE WHO HAD WALKED BY. On the one hand, this sufficiently distracted the guards, which allowed me to use thieves' tools and get all the gates in our way unlocked and we did make it onto the ship. But on the other hand, now we're fleeing the authorities with a wanted criminal (who has apparently killed in the THOUSANDS? for FUN?) and I'm getting major flashbacks of having to work around the sea shaman from last campaign.

Side note: several times during the campaign so far, I have patiently waited as everyone else around the table thought about what to do, giving them a full minute before hitting them with "I run through the gate". I felt like this was the right thing to do when the real DM is not there, and they are...not ready...for the lack of forward thinking Traps is about to display in the first session. I mean, we were doing the standard "walk around the ship we are now flying and see what we're working with", and I was pocketing things in the captains' quarters, including a bunch of fancy men's jewelry. We got to a point where the paladin was learning the stats of all the weapons he had found and passing things out and I piped up, "While this is going on, I'm going to attempt to pierce my ears." Can I tell you the SILENCE that followed this. I'm sorry you were not expecting the most logical, spreadsheet-based nerd you know to play an entire idiot!!!

As we were approaching a planet we needed to stop at for fuel or something (ya boi is...not magical...and cannot fly the ship at all), we were told that there was a flesh-colored moon orbiting the planet. Every single one of us failed our perception rolls, so we continued blithely thinking it was a weird moon up until the point where the giant space spider had grabbed our ship with its legs and was dragging us into its mouth, and even after then, we all failed our first attack rolls. The tweenager was understandably concerned that we were all going to die, but I thought it would be HILARIOUS if that was how our session 0 ended. Imagine Miles texting the actual DM "yeah, tonight went great, we all really gelled, I got us onto the ship...it's too bad all of us are dead and we have to start over next week."

But (some would say thankfully) that did not happen! We rallied, cannons and laser pistols were fired, and the spider let us go and fled.

I missed this.

[silverwarewolf]

A collection of (updated) quotes and posts I unearthed from the depths of when I was still posting about my WIPs years ago.

THINGS THAT MAKE THE CAST NOSTALGIC: Isaak: Winter. He gentle snowfall makes for a cozy day. Gene: Carrots. I can't explain why. The sugar, the crunch... They're good. Kate: A long story by the fire. Emilia: Chamomile tea. It has been my friend and companion far longer than anyone. Elurne: Scarves. The one I wear was a gift from someone dear to me in my past. Alexandro: Bah, my life is but regret and despair. I'd rather not think about the past. Andrea: Food from my homeland. If this mission wasn't so important, I would return just to taste it.

Kate: I was just a normal girl. Unbothered. Focused. On my lane. Flourishing. Caught in the gossip of the century. Kate: I didn't want to clean the house that day and now i need to save the world. What the fuck. (Spoiler): I would do anything to save you from this curse. Alexandro: Then, I hope you can best me. *Draws his sword.* So that you can fulfill your promise. LOOT BOX GAME (MAKE UP A LIMITED EDITION LOOT BOX ABOUT YOUR WIPS

A book of recipes as written by Isaak. Includes "Mom's Pumpkin Bread" and "Kath's Cursed Sandwich :|"

Andrea's annotated map.

A matching set of royal pins as worn by Andrea, Taylor the Goose, and the Sand King.

A goose plushie with a tiny crown.

A warrior's red-haired doll.

A strange spoon with the Goldfang Forge emblem.

Andrea: When someone points at your clothes and asks whose funeral it is, having a look around and saying "haven't decided yet" is typically a good response.

Alexandro: My life isn't as glamorous as my wanted poster makes it look like.

Isaak: What do you think Kate will do for a distraction? Gene: They'll probably, like, make noise or throw a brick. That's what I would do. *Building explodes and several alarms go off* Gene: ...or, she could do that.

Isaak: Dandelions symbolize everything I want to be in life. Gene: Fluffy and dead with a gust of wind? Isaak: Unapologetic. Hard to kill. Feral, filled with sunlight, bright, beautiful in a way that the conventional and controlling hate but cannot ever fully destroy. Stubborn. Happy. Bastardous. Friends with bees. Highly disapproving of lawns. Full of wishes that will be carried far after I die. Kate: edible

Emilia: I was thinking I'd do some magic- Elurne: You? Magic? Emilia, it says talent show.

Elurne: Emilia! My face is on fire! Emilia: Elurne! Are you okay?! Elurne: Oh, yes, I'm fine. I just said that to make sure you'd come in here quickly. Emilia: But your face is on fire. Elurne: Yes. It's much faster than shaving.

[tansyuduri]

15 lines of dialuge from an OC

So for me this has to be the new knights and Sorcerers of modern Camalot! thanks for the tag @viiisenyas Meet Elaine Gulai, Lesbian, Anglo-indian, Official mom freind. Potion lady, and Water and Healing Magic Speciality. Lover of pickles.

“I’m Elaine Gulai. This is my partner, Lyenette Teague, who is currently afraid I am going crazy and have gained superpowers. This is Bedi, whom we adopted as a sibling to both of us. They no longer go by their last name. They also think I might be going insane.” “Nettie… not tonight, love! We just arrived and need time to sleep. You can fight him tomorrow.”

“It took me about a week before I told Lyenette and Bedi. Then the dreams came… mostly at night, sometimes to a lesser amount during the day. Memories of people using magic in the past. Of people training their gifts. I learned enough to control myself… to stop thinking I was insane.” 

“I need you to see me as me. I need you to help teach me, and that can’t happen if you think of me as _____ So I’m me. I’m Elaine. Tiny, even-tempered, horrible at cooking, pickle-loving Elaine.”

“Even before the magic came I wanted to help people. I wanted to invent new medicines and use chemistry to make people’s lives better. I’m taking another path here it seems.. but I still want to do the same thing. I want to help people. And I’ve seen how the two of you behave. I will be a sorcerer of Camelot and help people with my magic. Assuming I live… and I am really hoping I do, perhaps I can teach people to use magic in the future. Either way I am in… Besides, I think some of you need looking after.”

 “I was helpless… Without you two Lyenette would have… What's the point of being a sorcerer if you cannot save the person you love? I’m sorry. I just…Gods you went so so long with him actually dead… and I’m crying over someone who is still alive.”

“We need to deal with this. Likely quickly; people must have heard the sound of that explosion.”

“Do you really try to give random children candy?”

“Enough! You both can argue after we know what happened!”

”I swear if you are late enough that Kei or Danad loses control and tries to eat the cake Lyenette made, I will do something drastic!”

"“He just appeared standing on our bed! Gods I didn’t know cocks were ugly and veiny like that.”

“I’m sorry your majesty but I agree with Merlin, It was a good idea, quick thinking, but we don’t know what they want. We need to keep everyone safe, including you.

“We’ll know more soon enough. Sebiles ability to research and find any information however obscure is almost magic itself. Now you both kiss or hug like you want to and then come to breakfast."

"You have three knights and three sorcerers who want to celebrate. You’re getting a party.”

“Merlin. What. The. Fuck. Are. You. DOING.”

Sooo er... I dunno who all had OCS! so if you follow me an see this consiter it a tag! that way I can know next time!

[artists-ally]

2024 Book List!

Not that anyone will care about this but I wanted to do it and have fun!! Here is a list of the books I have read so far this year and some of my thoughts!

1. Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins

This was my favorite book of the Hunger Games trilogy. I haven’t read A Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes but I do have it. I started the Hunger Games to cope with the fact that I didn’t have the next book for Throne of Glass, but I still loved it I cant wait to watch the movies!!

2. Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins

I still to this day have no idea what this ending was and I didn’t like the book enough to try and figure it out. It was alright, didn’t love the ending, and Katiness honestly pissed me off.

3. Heartless by Elsie Silver

Oh my GOD I LOVE THIS BOOK. This is the second book in the Chestnut Springs Series (Flawless, Heartless, Powerless, Reckless, Hopeless) Cade is the standard I have for men now. He is him. I want a grumpy, mid thirties, cowboy to tell me everything’s gonna be okay. Cade and Willa are my lord and saviors.

4. Powerless by Elsie Silver

This is the third book in the Chestnut Springs Series (Flawless, Heartless, Powerless, Reckless, Hopeless) and it was some of the best character development I’ve ever read about. It was fanfuckingtastic. So good, so we’ll thought out and so god damn smutty. Jasper is so 🤭🤭🤭 with his 6’4 tattooed ass.

5. Reckless by Elsie Silver

Theo. Silva. Is. Him. Bullriders are hot. Convince me otherwise. You cannot. Again, some amazing fucking character development form the FMC (Winter Hamilton). I love love love this book. My heart was so happy in the end.

6. Credence by Penelope Douglas

What the actual fuck did I just read. So…. She goes to love with her dads step brother and his two sons in the remote mountains of Colorado. And they get snowed in for the winter. And she’s the only women around. For five months. I’m gonna let y’all figure out the rest. But it has good moments? I think? It was so weird and I’m mad at myself for thinking some of it was hot. It’s fiction, it’s not real. (I’m delusional).

7. Where Broken Wings Fly by J. Rose

This book was outstanding. Fantastic character development and a really good portrayal of PTSD. It’s about a mom and her daughter who escape an arrange, abusive marriage and flee from Mexico to a remote mountain Villingen in England. The cliffhanger at the end made me want to absolutely tear down my house brick for brick to find the answers but I supposed buying the second book will do. It was so good, super smutty, absolutely beautiful.

8. How Does It Feel? By Jeneane O’Riley

What. The. Fuck. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK. I AM SO NOT OKAY????? Those last two chapters had some Fourth Wing level plot twists that I had no hope of predicting. I am in shambles rn. Absolutely distressed over this fucking god damn mother fucking book. It’s about a biologist who falls through a faerie portal, onto the crowded prince. They think she’s an assassin sent to kill him, and he puts her through a lot of torture to prove her innocence. NOTHING. AND. I. MEAN. NOTHING. will prepare you for this ending.

9. Hopeless by Elsie Silver

AMAZING. 11/10 Elsie silver kills it ever time. This story is about Beau and Bailey. Arranged fake marriage, enemies to friends to lovers. He’s a medically retired special ops military guy and she’s got the worst last name in town. So cute. So sweet. So spicy. Beau Eaton is the standard I have for men now. He’s everything I need. Love love LOVE

10). One Dark Window by Rachel Ginning

My favorite book of the year. Hands down. I cannot stress how much I LOVED. THIS. FUCKING. BOOK. The main character Elspyth has been infected as a child and now harbors raw, unfiltered magic. It is a crime to use magic without the use of the Providence Cards. There are twelve Cards and they all give you separate abilities (strength, speed, beauty, to control others minds, influence emotions and so on). She had the ability to absorb the magic from these cards and now has one of them living inside her head. She teams up with a band of rebels to reunite the Cards in the deck to lift a deadly mist from their town. It’s insanity. It’s so crazy good idk how NO ONE HAS SAID ANYTHING I HAVE NEVER ONCE SEEN THIS BOOK ON BOOKTOK OR IG AND ITS CONCERNING. easily the best world building I’ve ever read. I finished the book last night and the second one will be here today 😭😭

[ray-talks]

8/13/23

i'm posting earlier than usual, because the day is already ruined.

i was made to eat breakfast and a snack, likely dinner too. i feel like i could have resisted more, but i didn't, so i am quite ashamed with myself. i ended up self-harming. i suppose today is my "cheat day" of the week. i cannot wait until i am in college, and i won't have to undergo days like this. unfortunately, i know for a fact, that i am going out for dinner tomorrow to celebrate moving into my dorm. i hope that i don't have to eat during the day.

not only was i unable to restrict, i also had an uncomfortable conversation with my mom. she started to cry, because she is worried about me, especially that i am moving out. she doesn't want me to go back to the hospital, like i did multiple times last year from attempting. she asked that i would promise to stay safe, and that i would tell her if anything is wrong.

i am at a loss.

if she knew i was intentionally starving myself, it would break her heart. i am painfully aware that i hurt the people around me. but i cannot and will not get better. i feel like if i distance myself from other people enough, i can somewhat avoid hurting others, but i cannot avoid hurting my family. i am truly a terrible person. that is what i thought while we were talking

i do and don't understand why i am the way i am. why must i be like this? why do i always choose to be unhappy? it is like what i choose to prioritize and care about is my ultimate self-destruction above all else. i will always end up disappointing my loved ones, because of this. i cannot change the visceral hatred i have of myself. i cannot change this desire for absolute control. i cannot change myself.

it feels like i'd rather end it all quickly, then drag it out painfully for everyone else. god, i don't even know what i am doing, why i even try. i want to have my cake and eat it too. i want to maintain my relationships, make everyone happy, but i also want to destroy myself. i am so depressed. i wish i could magically change myself, or just disappear.

i don't have much more to say, but to whoever reads this, i wish you a better day than mine.

[mcdowellpierce]

Phinda. 4:48a.

I don’t have much time, but I’d love to share some of what I’ve done the last few days.

I believe I left off with &Beyond. Well today, I sit at an &Beyond location — Phinda Game Reserve — which is located in eastern South Africa. More on that momentarily.

Two days ago we went to Soweto. It was the type of experience that I had hoped for. Something true as opposed to the luxury malls and hotel. Soweto has approximately 3 million people. It’s a suburb of Johannesburg. It stands for “southwestern township.” As you pass the “welcome to Soweto” sign by vehicle, you begin to snake through streets and, generally, descend deeper into the valley. One side of the street tends to be where the “haves” — 4 room house, higher fences, barbed wire, electric fences — live while the other is where the “have nots” — 3 rooms, more run down, etc. — call home. As you descend deeper into the belly of Soweto, the homes get worse. We saw several stray dogs that looked okay — don’t worry Al! — but not in ideal shape. We eventually progressed into an “unincorporated” part of Soweto. Those who live there — ~46,000 — are considered squatters, but most of their families have lived there since 1901. This area is extreme poverty. No running water. Literally 20 families share a single portapotty. We toured one home, which consisted of 3 rooms that are shared by 26 family members. I am not exaggerating. The home’s roof was tin, its floors dirt. As we carved through the village’s alleyways, we stumbled upon thick, uneven rocks and putrid trash that were floating atop a light stream of running water. The water smelled of human waste.

I am sorry to be graphic, but it is important. It was the experience that I had been waiting for, because it’s a real experience of South Africa. I can think of no better way to complement my current time in the 5-star luxury lodge of Phinda than to spend time in the deepest slums of Soweto.

What have I done to deserve such fortune? So much of my current station is due to where I was born and from whom I was born from. Yes, I believe that I have worked hard, but the ingredient that’s played the featured role is luck. Had I been born in Soweto, for example, no hard work would have gotten me remotely to this point in life. Ruminating on these facts only help so much, though. I’m a big disciple of Stoicism, which one of its primary tenets is that there are things that one can control and others that one cannot. The things that I can — effort, mindset, education, discipline, generosity — are where I should dedicate my time and focus. The others — luck, macro events, etc. — I should not, because I can’t control them.

Phinda. It is magical. Perhaps the best way to summarize it to the audience I have is that it’s an oasis that would receive a hearty stamp of approval from mom. Yea, this even remains true despite the fact that it’s in the middle of the bush, surrounded by all the iconic African predators.

We’ve seen lions, elephants, cheetah, giraffes, wildebeests, warthogs (and 3 piglets), white rhino (which is exceedingly rare in Africa), African buffalo, terrapin, tortoise, zebras, impalas, nyalas, the little bird that’s always with Poomba and Timon, a jackal, and as of last night, a hippo, crocodile and leopard! We await the hyena, wild dog, and the honey badger, with others I’m sure, too. To find the honey badger would be like finding the rarest Pokémon.

I could go on about the service at the lodge, and please let me know if you’d me to write about it, but I will hold off on that for another time. Think upon arrive, a hot, damp lemongrass towel to refresh your face. Flavored, homemade pineapple syrups combined with sparkling waters to quench your thirst. Homemade shortbreads and cookies with coffee, tea and hot chocolate — all consumed not just anywhere, but in the middle of the bush, halfway through our early morning safari and late night rides. The latter pit stop of which is known as a “sundowner.” At night, I walk back to my room, which I cannot do unattended because of the danger. During the day, when I walk to my cavitation, I see nyala awaiting my arrival, literally 8 feet from my door.

It’s a perfect experience that makes me think of family again and again. I hope that we can share something like this in the near future.

Taking a brief step back, I want to try to give some big picture thoughts.

If one can afford an experience such as this — and it’s far from cheap — then I can’t think of anything much better. It’s an education that cannot be duplicated, so long as it is accompanied with a real-world experience of the local community, too. No trip should be exclusively this, because it distorts the reality of the struggle that so many in this country face. Nathi — the taxi driver who picked me up when arriving into the country — would not be able to do this, despite working his tail off and possessing such a powerfully positive mindset. I owe it to myself and to others to ensure that I don’t lose track of this appreciation and channel it towards something true and good.

As mentioned, this also makes me think of family. I know that I’m in the right head space when my mind continues to return to you guys while I’m here. I want to share the experience with you all rather than keep it to myself. Hopefully it does not come off as gloating or inconsiderate. Moving forward, get ready for an annoying Pierce who will be peppering you at holidays, angling for a family trip abroad such as this.

Regarding affordability, as mentioned it’s far from cheap. Truly far. However, it’s a reminder to me to say no to certain things in life — including multiple other trips — so that I can use a high concentration of funds on something like this. “This” is luxury, combined with education, nature, while also ensuring I see the other side of luxury — the reality of places like Soweto. It also channels my mind and gives me purpose to work harder to earn more money so that I can tether that towards something like this — especially in teaching lessons to my children. Finally, it’s money spent towards something good. The money that’s poured into this place directly benefits wildlife conservation, the people who live in the villages around us, etc. It’s a more virtuous form of tourism.

I’ll end with the following: Poaching v Pineapples. What does greater damage to African animals?

Poaching has led to animal extinction in places throughout Africa. Pineapple farms decimate entire ecosystems. Poaching may remove the black rhino in Phinda, but pineapple farms wipe out all flora and fauna in pursuit of the mass production of pineapple. That means no lions, elephants, leopards, etc. It also means fewer insects, flowers, trees. A poacher can be dealt with, pineapple farms cannot beyond ensuring that don’t exist. Of course, I’m not iconoclast against pineapple — it’s a a good thing! It’s just being mindful of the ecosystems that it is wiping out. In places such as this, no pineapple is worth what it’s replacing. What’s the pineapple farm equivalent in SD and MN?

Thinking of you guys!

-Pierce

[doctor-desi]

A rewritten version of a Modern!AU of a campaign between @meteorito618​ and I (PS go check them out they’re cool!). This is only Part 1. Hoping to do Part 2 soon. Not too much has changed from the first version just an addition of a new character and I think better writing, so enjoy!

“... and that is how we create a fireball,” a green dragonborn dressed in a loose tank top and yoga pants states. She walks towards the front of a group of around a dozen people of all different races and skill levels, absentmindedly transferring a small fireball from hand to hand. Once she gets to the front, standing in front of some wall-length mirrors, she addresses the group again, “Now, a few things to remember about this spell. While you can control it and create these small bursts of flame, they can also grow into enormous fires, so you have to be careful and keep your concentration up. Also, this spell requires verbal commands, specific movement, and materials so you’ll have to be prepared if you want to use it.” She pauses and waits for nods from the group, some of whom have already followed suit and created their own fireballs, then she smiles and begins again, “Now, the number one rule of self-defense is always just that, defense. What I teach you should never be used for plain harm or in ill-thought of another person.” She pauses again, waiting for agreement, and continues, “As I said before, fireballs can become much bigger than this,” she holds up her own baseball sized fireball, “but for our purposes and to use against any potential threat, this should be enough. In addition to this, we have also learned some disarming strikes, which can be used in addition or in place of, for those without the same magical capabilities. Now,” she shifts on her feet to stand up straighter, she cups the fireball in both of her hands and closes her eyes, “to get rid of the fireball so you don't have to carry it around with you all day,” this earns a few small, some perhaps nervous laughs which makes the dragonborn smile, “just like how we brought forth our magic from our being to form a shape, so we shall release it to where it will wait for our call again.” She removes her hands from around the fireball and it drops for a moment before dissipating in an orange glow. She breathes out a moment before opening her eyes. She claps her hands together and smiles at the group in front of her, ”Now, it is your turn.” 

With that, the dragonborn goes around, helping those who cannot quite get their magic to dissipate, or answering questions from those practicing some other defense moves. Eventually, everyone in the room is empty handed and the dragonborn returns to the front of the room. She claps again and smiles, “Great work today everyone. I hope you have a great rest of your days and I hope to see you all again soon. Remember if you need anything from me, my email or text are always open!” With that dismissal, everyone moves to collect their personal belongings before heading to the door leading out of the small studio. The dragonborn holds the door for her students, saying her more personal goodbyes and receiving some in turn many along the lines of, “Thank you for your help today Blaine!” and, “Have a good evening!” With the final person heading out, the dragonborn, Blaine, goes over to a chair which holds a backpack. She reaches in absently and pulls out an envelope as well as a smartphone. She ignores the former for a moment as she powers on her device and sees several messages. The first she clicks on is a group chat with the title “Dbl Trbl”:

[Image ID: A group text between three members: Jil, Mil, and Blaine. The conversation is titled Dbl Trbl with a smiling devil emoji and reads as follows:

Jil: Mom wants to know when you’ll be coming home. She’s been freaking out!

Jil: Also, Ms. A would like to know, she’s alright tho since… y’know you actually said bye to her (angry emoji)

Mil: Yeah, not like we needed to know or anything…

Mil: Just kidding, we know you had your reasons B. Anyways, we told them that you’re fine, living 

your own life. 

Jil: But you know them B.

Mil: Not to mention we’d love to have you home to hear about your travels and life.

Jil: All about it and who you might’ve met (smirking emoji)]

Blaine’s scales darken a little as she blushes before she scoffs and types a quick response:

[Image ID: The same group text as before now with a new message:

Blaine: Yeah, thanks for showing you care (rolling eyes emoji)

Blaine: Anyways, I’ll think about it, just finished a class and I gotta head home.]

She hits send and backs out of that conversation. She has one more notification which she clicks on leading to a chat titled “Boss Lady”:

[Image ID: A text message chat between two members: Mari and Blaine. The conversation is titled “Boss Lady” and reads as follows:

Mari: Dearie, just wanted to let you know I let a couple of other patrons know about your classes. You might get some new students soon :)

Mari: Payment is due soon! Don’t forget to drop it off!

Blaine: Hey, just wanted to let you know I won’t be in today. Caught something and had to cancel classes.

Mari: Okay, take care of yourself or I’ll lose another paying customer >:(

Mari: Don’t forget to turn in your payment soon. I should be here until the end of the day, but if not just give it to me the next chance you get :D]

Blaine smiles and laughs a little to herself, shutting off her phone’s screen and putting it back in the bag, she grabs a set of keys from inside before slipping the backpack onto her back. Holding the envelope, she heads out the door of her studio. She quickly turns around and locks the door before swinging her bag around and putting the keys away. Then, she walks into the main lobby on the first floor of this building. She walks towards a desk that sits in the middle of the room, just in front of some stairs and facing towards wide windows that lead to a fairly empty street. It was dark outside by now, and it seems that most people were home. Sitting at the desk is a slightly older gnome typing away on an older model desktop. 

The gnome looks up as she hears the door lock and smiles as Blaine approaches, “Ah, I see I did not have to remind you about paying. Never really do, but I have to keep up my reputation of a good building owner somehow,” the older gnome, Mari, says with a slight laugh. Blaine hands over the envelope, which Mari inspects for a moment, before her grin grows, “My, my Ms. Copinhaven, I did not know you and Ms. Azuris were on a first name basis now?” she questions with a teasing lilt in her voice. Blaine’s scales darken once again as she leans over to grab the envelope, however Mari pushes her chair back to remain just out of reach. She chuckles and says, “Now humor an old lady will you, what is this?”

Blaine sighs and droops against the counter she was reaching over, giving up defeat on getting it back for now. She stays there a moment looking mournfully at the envelope before looking at Mari and saying, “It’s nothing really, just… what I might want to say to her… but I'm too nervous to.”

Mari studies her for a moment before slowly rising from her chair, “Well if you’re too nervous and you’ve got it all written out already why don’t we just…” she makes a gesture towards a door opposite of Blaine’s studio which has “Azuris Books” written in swooping letters on the front of it. 

Blaine reacts immediately, “No, no, no, no, no!” she says moving to the opposite end of the counter to stand in front of the other door with her arms outspread, “I’m… I’m not ready for that yet!”

Mari’s smile turns into a softer version of itself as she lowers herself back into the chair and holds the letter out towards Blaine, “Oh you know I’m only teasing hun. But really, such a nice young lamia and a nice young dragonborn, why don’t you take the chance, especially when I am sure,” she says that word in a decisive tone, “that she likes you as well?”

Blaine relaxes, and reaches out to take the envelope back. She looks at it wistfully for a moment, running her thumb over the lettering, “To Glacia'', before looking back up at Mari, “I don’t know it’s just… She’s such a great friend! And, I don’t want to ruin that if she doesn’t like me back. And, and!” she exclaims, “Have you seen her! I just… how could I even begin to try to approach this I just,” she buries her head in her hands, still holding the envelope, and just groans. 

Mari chuckles lightly and replies, “Ah, the troubles of young love. Well, I am sure that you two will figure it out eventually. As for now, I believe you came here for another purpose?” she holds out her hand, waiting. 

Blaine peeks out from under her hands, and sighs. She brings her backpack around front and digs into it for a moment, replacing one envelope with another. She deposits the new envelope into Mari’s awaiting hands who opens it and examines what is inside. She nods seeing the amount on the check inside and says, “Perfect as always, Ms. Copinhaven,” she smiles.

Blaine returns the smile and quickly recloses her bag and swings it around her back. She starts backing towards the exit to the place saying, “Y’know I don’t mind your texts, just don’t hound me like some of the other clients and I’ll be fine. There could be a day where I don’t remember, who knows, though I’ll try to stop that from happening.” She reaches the door, and puts a hand on it, turning back to Mari, “Well it is getting late and I know you would like to probably head home soon, so I wish you a goodbye and a goodnight…” she turns to push the door open, but before she does she turns her head to look at the older gnome one last time with a mischievous smirk on her face, “... Mrs. Gildenbloom.” Blaine makes a hasty exit, hearing a bark of laughter resound behind her and a returned goodnight.

As Blaine steps outside, she is met with the slightly cold night of winter, she breathes out and watches her breath fog up slightly before disappearing. Looking around she sees one other person on the street, heading in the other direction. A lone half-orc who when they see Blaine, nods. Blaine nods back before turning and walking towards her apartment nearby. As she walks, her path is lit by tall lamps that hold magical lights that flickered, but would not go out, even with the breeze. Blaine zones out as she walks, going over in her head the progress of her regular clients, and who might need more help as well as what she should teach in her next class. She walks past stores, apartments and homes. No one is really out and if they are they seem to be seeking to get inside away from the colder weather. Few places are open at this time, some that are open 24/7, others who just normally hold late hours, the lights of these places melding with that already coming from the street lamps. 

A few minutes into her walk, Blaine comes up on an alley and hears a shout and a grunt of pain. She slows, heading to the entrance and making sure that she does not make any noise before peeking around the corner and into the alleyway.  There, she sees the backs of three people. It seems as if they are confronting something past them, and are struggling with whoever or whatever is at the end of the alleyway. The one in the center seems to especially be struggling, and when they move enough, Blaine can see that it looks like they are trying to cover the mouth of a person they are trying to hold down. What Blaine can see from this person they are holding is that they appear to be mostly covered by a dark green hoodie. 

Another of this group held a dagger which appeared to have a glow to it. The final member of the group stood taller than the others and hissed in a low voice at the hooded figure that was struggling, “Cut it out, gooder. We just wanna know who you work for, and where you all work.” They grab at the hood and the figure’s hair and pull their head up, revealing a set of mismatched eyes to Blaine. The third member continues, “You all have taken out too many of my people lately, you and your crew.  I just want some payment for my misfortunes, now ain’t that fair?” The figure in the hood struggles again and manages to kick at the person holding them, allowing them to be dropped for a moment by all members of the group. 

Blaine manages to hear shouting from the figure whose mouth is no longer covered by a hand and which shows a handkerchief covering their mouth with the insignia of a cornacopia on it, “Fuck you and your crew! We’ll clean up your dirty acts soon you!...” and that is all the figure manages before the member of the group that held them is able to get a good grip on them and covers their mouth again. The member of the three that was previously talking, who Blaine now assumes is the one taking point, punches the hooded figure. This causes Blaine to stiffen and almost without thinking, she summons a fireball in her palm which steadily grows as she watches the scene in front of her. 

“Shut it gooder!” the boss member hisses, “Why don’t we show you we are serious? Maybe your dead body will finally encourage this little campaign you got going to step forward and actually confront me.” With this, they step back and nod towards the member that holds the glowing dagger. This member nods in turn and steps towards the once again struggling hooded figure, before raising the dagger. 

Blaine cannot take anymore, “Hey!” she yells, stepping fully into the entrance of the alley. The large fireball now sitting in her hands lights her face in a dramatic way and shows her anger. “Catch!” she calls out as she chucks the ball towards the three members of the group and the hooded figure. The one holding the figure yelps and drops them, leaping out of the way. This knocks the one with the dagger into the giant fireball’s path which hits them head on. They yell as it comes into contact with them, burning their clothes and charring a portion of their chest. They take large, pained breaths for a few moments until they finally drop their dagger and fall unconscious. The boss member looks towards Blaine who already has another fireball at the ready. “If I were you,” she starts, bouncing the fireball between her hands, “I would grab your friends and leave while you still can.”

The leader of the three hisses a quick command at the one that was previously holding the hooded figure. Together, they pick up their fallen partner before heading towards the entrance of the alley. Blaine moves to the side as they approach, giving them room to leave, but still holding her summoned fireball between herself and the three of them. As they finally reach the street, the boss turns back to Blaine and growls out, “You’ll regret this. You just made a bad enemy today, dragonborn.” The three hurry away into the night. Blaine sighs and releases the tension she held in her body. She drops the fireball which dissipates mid-air, as she turns back into the alley to see if the hooded figure needed any help. 

Instead, she turns around to see two different colored eyes staring straight at her, studying her. She sees green-toned skin and dark hair streaked with white. And most prominently, a large flaming sword in this person’s grasp that was pointed straight at her:

[Image ID: An image of a person with a green hoodie on. They have one blue and one green eye. Their skin is light green in tone. They have long dark hair with white running through it and a braid on one side. They have pointed ears, and a slit in one eyebrow. They wear a handkerchief with a symbol of a cornucopia on it. They wear a teal colored necklace. They are holding a sword which is covered in fire.]

Blaine automatically puts up her hands, taking in a sharp breath and looking over this figure. The person wore dark colored jeans that were a loose fit, hiking boots, a dark green hoodie, and a lighter green bandana with a cornucopia that covered the bottom half of their face. Their dark hair streaked with white tumbled out of their hood and had a braid on one side. The two stood looking at each other for a long time, before Blaine decides to break the silence. 

“Hey… um, sorry for scaring you if I did. I just heard a shout? And thought maybe I could help. Didn’t really want anyone to get hurt, y’know I actually work with people to prevent that on a day to day basis, kinda a self-made job really…” she lets her sentence fade with a nervous and awkward laugh. The person in front of her blinks a few times, their hold on the sword shifting but not lowering at all. 

The person finally speaks, their eyes narrowing, “You’re telling me you weren’t with those thugs? You aren’t part of the Gindilian Gang?” they question, sword moving slightly closer to where Blaine is worried the fire might burn her. 

“What? What… no?! I don’t even…” she pauses and thinks a moment before continuing, “I think maybe I heard about them on the news? They’ve been more of a nuisance and… more active lately right?” she questions, the person in front of her giving her a slight nod but still looking suspicious. “But… but no! I do the complete opposite of being in a gang, I run a self-defense course not far from here actually! You don’t have to trust me, I mean, I doubt we’ll meet again, and it’s not like I’m planning to go to the cops or anything, but can you at least believe me enough to not hurt me with that?” she gestures with her head towards the still alight blade practically in her face. The person stares at Blaine some more, trying to judge her intent. Eventually they seem to find their answer and opens their hand, allowing the blade to drop slightly before it dissipates, much as Blaine does with her fireballs. Blaine lets out a short sigh, before stuttering out a startled response as the person moves past them to leave the alley, “Wait! You… you’re okay right? And you’re just going to leave that there?” she gestures to the dagger still glowing faintly on the ground.

The person glances back with a smile that shows in their eyes, “You seem smart, why don’t you keep that. Just know that if you do anything bad with it, and word reaches me, I will come find you. As for me?” they shrug, a playful lilt in their voice, “I’ll be okay. See you around… pal.” They slip off onto the street and quickly moves away from sight as Blaine stands a bit shocked. As she recovers, she glances down at the dagger which has a slight green glow. She bends down and picks it up, testing the weight in her hands. She does a few quick moves with it, before smiling. She swings her backpack around and opens it, finding her spare change of clothing, she wraps her new dagger up before replacing it in the bag and closing it. She shifts the bag back onto her back before heading back out of the alley and heading home as she intended to before. She can’t help but think of the events that happened as she falls asleep that night. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Blaine kept the encounter she had in the alley in her mind as weeks passed by. She expressed the importance of self-defense in her classes even more, never revealing exactly what she had experienced, but alluding to it when some of her clients would not take the classes very seriously. She was more alert than ever when traveling around town, especially at night, wondering whether she may run into something like what happened in the alley again. Mira took notice of her caution, asking if she was alright. Blaine would always give a quick answer before all but running out of the door. 

Now, it was a little after two months after the events in the alley, and Blaine was in her office in the back of the studio where she held classes. She sighs, her head held in her hand and clicks on her phone. She scowls as she sees it is now past midnight. Blaine shuffles the papers she was working on regarding finances and customers and puts them neatly away in her desk before gathering her things and stepping into the main lobby area of the building. Mari wasn’t there and it was dark, which made sense considering how late it was. Blaine locked her own studio’s door before heading to the main entrance, pulling out the main door’s keys that Mari gave her for such circumstances. She locked the door behind her, and nodded to herself when she checked to be sure it was for sure locked. Her eyes fell shut slightly as she walked, having not slept too well the night before with nightmares of enchanted daggers and death consuming her sleep. However, just as she was beginning to fall asleep on her feet, she is startled awake by a loud noise. 

Her eyes snap open to see two people darting towards her with lights flashing behind them. Yells and shouts sound from a group behind the two as they run. Blaine froze, not knowing what was going on, but as the two got closer, she recognized something that made her realize that this situation may be more familiar than she first believed. These two people in dark clothes, wore light green handkerchiefs with a cornucopia on them, which covered the bottom halves of their faces. 

Much too quickly, they were upon Blaine, both of them splitting to be on either side of her, and both grabbing one of her arms, dragging Blaine back a couple steps in surprise. Blaine quickly got to her senses and pulled herself away, spinning to face the two. They halt for a second in their running, turning to face Blaine. She quickly notices a few features regarding the two. They both were around the same height and had a bright red tone to their skin. They had dark black hair and horns curling behind their heads which were brightly decorated with jewelry. Their eyes were a deep purple, and they had tails which lagged behind them.

One of them shouts, in a more masculine voice, “We can’t explain, but you must run, now!”

The other chimes in with a more feminine voice, “Yes, unless you wish to be dead, come on!”

They both turn and begin running again. Blaine, looking behind her, did as well as the other group with the lights did not seem too far behind. She managed to catch up to the two dark-clothed people, just managing to keep up with them as they turned down alleys, jumped fences, and hid behind corners until finally they ran into an abandoned building. All was quiet for a few moments, save the breaths the three took, before a pounding of footsteps and shouting of threats passed by. After waiting a few minutes that seemed to stretch far too long, the two people Blaine was following let out twin sighs, signaling that the chase was apparently done. The two looked over to Blaine who was bent over catching her breath, and thinking about what she was once again caught up in. The two were whispering, Blaine not able to make out what it was they were saying. As she straightened, she caught the two looking further into the building, seemingly at nothing, before they look back at her in thought. 

Before any of them could say anything, a person appeared. To Blaine at least, that is entirely what it looked like. A halfling woman with orange hair and patches of different colored skin stood before the three. She looked at the two hooded figures and scolded, “You two not only got found by the Gindilian Gang, almost got caught, but you also managed to bring an un-inducted person to our base?”

One of the two, the one with the slightly more feminine voice, responded, “Well, they probably didn’t know it was our base until you said so Gwen!”

The one with the slightly more masculine voice chimed in, “Yeah, if anything YOU just revealed our base. What a leader, huh?”

The woman took a deep breath in, shutting her eyes and pinching the bridge of her nose. She was just about to retort, but before she could, another person appeared from halfway into the building. Blaine straightened at the appearance of this new person. Well not new to her. A half-elf stood who had a lighter green skin tone, and had one thing that Blaine would not have forgotten… two different colored eyes. They stared at Blaine for a few moments, before a smile twitched onto their face and they placed their hand on Gwen’s shoulder. Gwen stopped and looked up, ready to snap at whoever interrupted her before realizing who it was. She relaxed, but raised a brow at the half-elf who was looking solely at Blaine.

“Well pal,” they begin, “never truly thought I’d see you around again.” This draws a startled laugh out of Blaine which draws the attention of the other three in the room. 

One of the hooded figures, with a masculine voice, questions, “You know them?” not indicating who they were asking the question to. 

The half-elf ignores the question, stepping forward and offering a hand to Blaine who hesitantly takes it. They squeeze her hand and give it a firm shake before smiling, “Well, maybe it is time to induct some more new people. Especially since this one saved my hide and already knows where the base is.” They look to the people around the room who look slightly shocked but also encouraged at the news. Then, they turn back to Blaine with a wide grin, “So, what do you say, pal. Want to become a ‘gooder’?” Blaine’s eyes widen as she looks at the others. Gwen seems slightly shocked, but smiles at Blaine appreciatively , though Blaine does not understand why. The two figures remove their hoods and handkerchiefs revealing similar looking tieflings, one having part of their head shaved to mark a difference. Both are smiling at Blaine in excitement. 

Blaine looks back to the half-elf and gives her answer. “Well… I suppose why not? But first, what’s your name… pal?” She says this with a growing smile as she gets excited and intrigued by the events happening around her. 

The half-elf looks giddy before turning and motioning for them all to follow. They say over their shoulder, “The name’s Darjo, and more introductions can be made later. For now though… welcome to Bjarga.” Darjo steps further into the building and disappears. Gwen and the other two do as well. Blaine stares at where they all disappeared, before taking a deep breath, and plunging into the unknown.

[tolleraresubire]

Swan-Jones family 

Emma, Hope & Killian

[induro-a]

just a lost little girl { sc } ; @rgincmills​

Both women were standing in the very 𝐌𝐈𝐃𝐃𝐋𝐄 of the forest, books laid scattered around them as trying to 𝐓𝐄𝐀𝐂𝐇 Hope how to control her magic was growing difficult. Her hand held onto her Aunt Regina’s as she grew stronger and learnt how to 𝐌𝐀𝐍𝐈𝐏𝐔𝐋𝐀𝐓𝐄 and control not only her own magic, but for defence purposes, the magic of those 𝐀𝐑𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐃 her. The energy ball in front of her grew before she got scared, 𝐃𝐑𝐎𝐏𝐏𝐄𝐃 her Aunt’s hand and sighed deeply. “This isn’t working.” 

[immortalecstasy-blog]

You Took The Words Right Out Of My Mouth 18+

Chapter 5/14 Pairing: Eddie Munson / Chrissy Cunningam Need to catch up? Click Here for Chapter 1

When Chrissy finally woke up, she was mute. People are sympathetic at first, but when she doesn’t magically get better, she slowly finds herself as one of the ‘freaks’. Lucky for her, there’s one freak in particular she really doesn’t mind finding herself beside. 

Warnings: Slow Burn, Angst, PTSD, Chrissy still got attacked by Vecna but didn't die, Eddie still got mauled by bats but didn't die, Hurt/Comfort, Abuse

Read on AO3 or...

Chrissy made her way downstairs the next morning with a queasy knot in her stomach. For once her apprehension wasn’t towards what her mom was going to say or do. Her apprehension came from somewhere inside herself.

Ever since her brother… ever since then, she had tried to do whatever her mom had wanted of her. Had let her mom live vicariously through her daughter no matter what kind of impact it had on her. She had refused to do that ever since she’d come home after Vecna.

But today, well, part of today… Chrissy was not only going to do as she was told, she was actually going to ask her mother to tell her what to do. It felt like a huge step backwards.

Even when she was trying to do as she was told she couldn’t get it right though.

‘Need to write to Jason’ she began, before pulling her sleeve over her palm to wipe it away and write the next bit. But before she had the chance, her mom started talking.

“Oh for goodness sake Chrissy. No.”

She should have prepared for that really, maybe wrote everything out on a bit of paper in one go…

“There is absolutely no reason for you to contact him. I know he meant well but what they’re saying about him – I mean, what he did to that young boy, it was awful. His reputation is in tatters. His parents have barely left their house their so ashamed, we need to distance ourselves as much as…” Chrissy thrust the whiteboard at her and her mom trailed off to read it.

‘Want to break up’

Her expression changed ever so slightly, but she still looked weary, Chrissy took the board back.

‘Will you help me?’

Suspicion briefly flashed across her mom’s face, and then it relaxed into that smooth smile that she usually only wore when other people were around. Chrissy glanced around the room, but her father had used up all of his paid holiday over the last few months and then some, so he was back to working from sun up until sun down, once again oblivious of what was happening at home.

“You want me to help you break up with Jason?” She asked gently, kindly.

Chrissy nodded.

“Okay sweetheart.” Her mom said, reaching out and rubbing Chrissy’s arm comfortingly. It made goosebumps rise up on both of Chrissy’s arms, a cold tremor running down the back of her neck.

One of the terms she had heard to explain Jason’s dramatic change from golden boy to out-of-control zealot sprung to mind. Multiple Personality Disorder. Did her mom have that? It would explain a lot.

For the next hour, Mrs Cunningham was a normal, caring, compassionate mother to her daughter in need, and Chrissy started to feel bad for doubting her, for casting her with a bad light the last few days. Chrissy’s accident had changed her mother. It had made her realise what Chrissy meant to her, made her realise she could love her daughter even with all her flaws, was only trying to help her be her best.

It made Chrissy feel warm, happy.

Her mom even made her a cup of tea, and when she read the letter aloud for them when they were done, she smiled at her.

‘Dear Jason,

I’m sorry I’m only now writing back to you. As I am sure you will know, I am still on the road to recovery after my ordeal.

I find myself in the position where this will be my first and last letter to you. In light of recent events, I feel it’s the best thing for both of us if we no longer associate with one another. It is important that I put both my recovery and my family first, and while I hope God will forgive you, I find that in my heart, I cannot.

I hope you understand and that there will be no hard feelings.

With regret,

Chrissy’

Laura’s words in Chrissy’s clumsy hand. But the words didn’t matter to Chrissy, and funnily enough she thought Jason would be more likely to understand her moms concerns than he would something as immaterial as Chrissy’s feelings.

‘Good?’

Her mom nodded. “Would you like me to post this for you?”

Chrissy nodded, giving her mom a small smile and a thumbs up.

‘Can I go out for a bit?’

“Where?”

Chrissy hesitated, she didn’t want to lie, not when her mom was being so nice and treating her like a grown up. But she wasn’t sure she’d get a positive reaction to telling her mom she wanted to spend with Eddie – or Dustin for that matter, he was only a kid and that was kind of weird in itself. But no one she knew lived close to the Henderson’s, and if she suggested anyone any further away her mom would offer to drive her.

She had hesitated too long, so simply shrugged, miming taking a walk.

“Your next hydrotherapy appointment is tomorrow, you don’t want to push it. We need those legs back in action.”

Chrissy nodded placatingly, and then wrote ‘I’ll just watch some TV’.

Chrissy didn’t dare leave the house while her mom was gone. Too pleased with their progress to want to rock the boat.

Her dad going back to work had really put a stopper on things. She could go see her other friends, she knew. But things were just so… awkward with them now. She should have asked her mom to phone Marie for her, invite her over.

When her mom got back, she did. But her mom’s lips had pursed, and Chrissy’s smile had dropped.

“Why don’t you try to speak to her yourself, Chrissy? You can’t keep relying on writing things down.”

She’d said it nicely, but it made tears smart in Chrissy’s eyes, and she went back to the other room to watch television without any further comment.

Usually when Chrissy wasn’t at school she was with Jason or one of the girls, doing something. She knew her mom didn’t work and had anticipated her being home all the time. But over the next week she picked up a lot of her mom’s schedule and realised that she was out of the house for almost the whole day on Tuesday. She made sure to commit to memory every mention of committee meetings, volunteer efforts and ‘girls’ lunches, plotting her own little timetable of when she’d be free to do what she wanted, and what time she would need to be home.

She’d ‘spoken’ to Eddie almost every day that week on the phone while her mom was out. Listening to him read to her and answering his questions by tapping on the receiver. It had been impossible to ask him ‘Are you free on Tuesday?’ when she was limited to ‘yes’ or ‘no’ or tapping a dozen times in apology when her mom pulled up in the driveway and she had to put the phone down quickly.

Tuesday rolled around, and Chrissy waited for her mom to leave before getting dressed and walking over to the Henderson’s house.

“Chrissy! Hi! Come on in. We’re just about to start a movie marathon.” Dustin said when he let her in. Chrissy almost laughed, apparently escaping sitting and watching television wasn’t going to be as easy as she thought.

She drew up a timetable for Eddie of her mom’s schedule, hoping he could use it to schedule their phone calls better. Instead, he examined it with his head titled to one side and started re-naming the time slots.

‘Church Service’ became ‘Get high with Eddie’, ‘Volunteering – Food Parcels for In Need’ became ‘Keep Eddie (In Need) company’ and ‘Girls Lunch’ became ‘Eddie’s Music Masterclass’. He considered it for a moment, and then pointed to Friday evening, at an empty space showing her mom would be home.

“Couple of us are going to see a movie on Friday. Do you think you could come?”

‘Who’s going?’

“Uh, Wheeler – the elder, Steve and Robin oh and uh, Vickie? Do you know Vickie? Red-head. Band.”

Chrissy nodded, writing ‘Maybe. If I say it’s girls.’

Eddie nodded, “Cool.”

“What about me?” Dustin asked.

“You’re not invited.”

“That’s bullshit.”

“Okay, where’s your ID?”

“Why does that matter?”

“Because we might want to watch something X-rated.” Eddie said back in the same tone, and then turned to Chrissy and mouthed, “we’re not.”

She laughed, folding the timetable away before he could rename any more of the slots.

Dustin wasn’t there when she went over on Thursday for ‘Keep Eddie (In Need) company’, and they moved ‘Get high with Eddie’ up the schedule, standing on Dustin’s bed again to try and limit how much the smell settled inside.

“I spoke to Nancy.” He told her, breathing out a long plume of smoke. “She’s going to ring tonight once your mom’s home to invite you – and she’ll pick you up tomorrow too.”

Chrissy nodded, leaning her face closer as he offered her the joint. She took one hand from the windowsill to get her whiteboard, but her head was spinning pleasantly from the drugs and she almost lost her balance. Eddie caught her, his hand around her waist.

“Are you okay?” He asked as she tipped her head back against his shoulder and let out a peel of laughter, he laughed with her, putting the joint between his lips so he could set her upright again and hand her the whiteboard, his hand hovering near the small of her back in case she lost her balance again.

‘Whoops!’ She wrote, giggling again before rubbing it out and shaking her head at herself. Then paused.

“Have you forgot what you were going to put?”

Chrissy laughed again, nodding. Eddie shook his head, grinning. “I think maybe you’ve had enough.”

Chrissy considered this, and then nodded. Letting him stub it out as she went to climb down, instead ending up sat cross-legged on the bed with no real idea of how she got there. Eddie bounced down beside her, lying back on the bed with his hands behind his head.

“Who knew Chrissy Cunningham would be a stoner kid?”

Chrissy laughed, crawling over to lie squashed up on the single bed next to him.

“I don’t know Chrissy. I think you’re going down in the world. Hanging out with Eddie ‘The Freak’ Munson.

Chrissy used his chest as a table to write on her board.

‘Queen of HH’

“Quite the downgrade.” He teased, “I guess you’re maybe more like the princess now?”

‘Cult > Cheer’

Eddie laughed, “You make a good point. Queen of the Freaks, then.”

‘Bilbo?’

Eddie went and retrieved the book, ignoring the part of him that regretted standing up. He had enjoyed lying next to her, feeling her side pressing against his, even when her elbow had been digging into his stomach as she wrote. He figured she’d be sat up again by the time he returned, but was pleased to find her still lying on Dustin’s bed, squeezed right up against the wall so he would have room.

She tucked her head against his shoulder as he read, the scent of her shampoo doing more to him than the marijuana had.

They were nearly at the end of the fifth chapter – and Bilbo’s encounter with Gollum. She laughed even more at his Gollum voice this time than she had on the phone yesterday, falling silent as they left Gollum behind, listening.

“…a bit low for goblins, at least for the big ones,” thought Bilbo, not knowing that even the bigs ones, the ores of the mountains, go along at a great speed stooping low with their hands almost on the ground…” Eddie read, before noticing Chrissy had gone quiet, he peered down and realised with a strange flip of his stomach, that she’d fallen asleep, still resting on his shoulder.

He tried not to be creepy, marking their place in the book and then thumbing through it silently. But his eyes kept flicking back to her face. Some of the tightness around her eyes lifted away when she slept. Her lips were open slightly. Her cheek squashed against his shirt. Her eyelashes casting shadows under her eyes.

He checked his watch and let the minutes tick by until he knew he would have to wake her. She had said that she had to be home before her mom got back and he wasn’t going to let her be late.

She’d been asleep for about half an hour when he felt her hand twitch and looked down to see a crease had formed between her eyebrows, her lips firmly pressed together. He frowned, and then she let out a small whimper.

“Chrissy? Hey. Chrissy.”

He swallowed as her eyes scrunched up, burying her face into his shoulder, “Chrissy. Wake – Wake up.”

Her eyes flew open, and he felt oxygen flood his brain as he gasped in relief, “Hey, you okay?”

She stared up into his face without really seeing him, and then her eyes focused and she shot up, her hands shaking as pressed her palms into her eyes.

He rubbed slow circles on her back, watching her slowly breathing in through her nose and out through her mouth, it seemed to help, and it only took a minute before she was reaching for her whiteboard, her cheeks pink.

‘Vecna’s a bitch.’

“Yeah, well, he died like a little bitch.”

‘What time is it?’

“Nearly six, don’t worry. You’ve got plenty of time before your mom gets home.”

She sighed, putting her hand to her neck like she was checking her pulse and then rolling her eyes at herself and starting to breathe in and out methodically again.

“What are you doing?”

‘Hopper showed me’. She wrote, taking his hand and putting it against her neck. He could feel her pulse beating rapidly against her skin. Watching him, she continued the exaggerated breathing and together, they felt her pulse steady out and return to normal.

“You feeling okay?” He asked when she moved away, letting his hand drop.

She nodded.

‘I should go’

“Want me to walk you home?”

She shook her head, linking her thumbs and mimicking wings flapping. He wanted to argue, but those few short seconds when he couldn’t wake her had shook him up, and while he was sure he could get her to her front door in one piece, he wasn’t so sure of making the journey back alone.

“I could… stand on the street and watch you round the corner?” He offered instead, and she smiled at him and nodded.

He nodded back, getting up and grabbing her crutches for her.

She squeezed his hand in thanks when they parted outside, glancing back at him before she got to the corner and waving. He raised his hand, watching her ponytail swish from side to side as she limped around the corner, feeling like a jackass for not walking her home.

The phone rang half an hour after her mom had arrived home, Chrissy had beat her by a good three quarters of an hour and had put her pyjamas back on. She was admonished for not getting dressed, but Chrissy knew if she had been dressed she’d have been questioned about it.

Chrissy held her breath as her mom answered the phone.

“I’m sorry dear, who?... Oh yes, yes, Karen and Ted’s eldest, is that right?... Oh how nice!...Why, yes, just one moment. I don’t know if you – um, if you’re aware, but Chrissy still hasn’t found her voice, but I’ll just, she had this board… one moment.”

Chrissy tried to keep the excitement off her face as her mom appeared in the doorway.

“Chrissy, Nancy Wheeler is going to the cinema with some friends tomorrow night. She’s invited you along. Would you like that?”

Chrissy couldn’t even pretend to consider, nodding her head eagerly. To her relief, her mom broke out in a smile, and disappeared back to the phone.

“Nancy?...Yes, that would be wonderful. Do you girls need a lift?... Oh, that’s very kind of you… wonderful, yes… Are you going to the cinema just in town?... Perfect, perfect. That’s lovely. We’ll see you tomorrow. Please give my best to your mom and dad… buh-bye now, you take care!”

As the dial tone rang out, Nancy turned, eyebrows raised and lips pursed, looking at Eddie, who was uncomfortably close to her from straining to listen in.

“Do you think you could organise your own dates in future?”

“It’s not a date.” Eddie snapped, as he reached out for the phone and put it back on the cradle.

“Get your shoes off my bed!”

“Wait…!” Eddie stopped as he put his feet back on the floor, holding up a hand. “Is this a triple date?”

“What?”

“Me and Chrissy, Robin and Vickie, you and Ste—”

“No!”

“vie…”

She scowled at him.

“You’re blushing.”

“I’m with Jonathan!”

“And where is he exactly? What are his plans tomorrow night?”

“He’s taking Will to some concert or something.”

“Uh huh.”

“Do you want it to be a triple-date?” Nancy asked hotly, and it was Eddie’s turn to blush.

To Chrissy’s chagrin, her mom walked her out to the car when Nancy pulled up. A sickly sweet smile on her face as she looked first at Nancy, then at Robin in the passengers seat and then squinted into the back at Vickie.

“You girls have fun.”

She made a big show of giving Chrissy enough money to buy all four of them tickets and then stood on the sidewalk, waving at them as they drove off.

“She seems… nice.” Vickie said awkwardly. Chrissy just nodded, and wrote ‘overprotective’.

“Yeah, well, you know – you got tortured by that crazy doctor guy so I guess she’s kind of…” She trailed off, “I mean, because, like, I would be too. If I was her, I’d be really protective and scared, and that’s not even all of it, you know, after what happened with your brother…”

“Vickie?” Robin called over her shoulder

“Hmm?”

“I don’t think Chrissy wants to talk about it. I mean – “ She scrunched her face up, meeting Chrissy’s eye through the rear-view mirror “I don’t mean, like… you don’t want to talk, I just…”

“Let’s listen to some music!” Nancy suggested loudly, jabbing the button for the stereo.

Chrissy linked her fingers together, her hands on her lap. Starting to wonder if this had been a good idea.

When they arrived, Eddie was already stood waiting for them.

“Where’s Steve?”

“Parking. He… dropped me off.” He looked up at the cinema’s fascia above his head.

“Weird.” Vickie commented but looking unphased.

“Oh right!” Robin gasped, “You two haven’t met yet. Vickie, Eddie, Eddie, Vickie.”

“Oh no, I know Eddie.” Vickie said, nodding.

“You do?”

“Mmm-hmm.”

Eddie smiled ruefully and Chrissy looked at him questioningly.

“It breaks my heart to tell you this Princess, but you’re not the only girl I’ve met up with it at that picnic bench.”

Understanding crossed Chrissy’s face.

“You were my favourite though.” He added, in a tone of self-realisation.

“I thought I was your favourite?”

Chrissy turned and saw Steve walking towards them, pouting at Eddie.

“Favourite girl.” Eddie explained, “Though, with that hair…”

“Your hairs longer than mine, shit-for-brains.”

They all bought their own tickets, using the money Mrs Cunningham had given Chrissy to splurge on confectionary.

“Are you sweet?” Eddie asked Chrissy and she looked up at him, frowning. “Popcorn.”

Chrissy nodded, feeling stupid. She was glad when they were all in their seats.

The film they were seeing – Ferris Bueller’s Day Off – had been out for a while, so there was only a handful of other people in there, Chrissy noticed with a little trepidation that she recognised one of the other groups from school – but they were sat near the front and hadn’t paid any attention to them as they’d all filed in. Chrissy didn’t pay attention as she followed them down a row of seats and sat down, but she ended up sat between both the boys.

Robin was beside Steve, then Vickie, Nancy perched on the end. She wondered whether she should’ve sat with the girls, but neither Eddie or Steve seemed to mind.

“You wanna wipe the drool of Harrington’s face?” Eddie whispered when the fancy looking Ferrari appeared on screen. Chrissy glanced over, saw Steve’s eyes were glazed over and snorted.

Chrissy had a small handful of popcorn – just one here and there throughout the movie, filling up on diet coke, the ice rattling at the bottom.

Luckily between the two of them Steve and Eddie easily decimated the bag, so no one seemed to notice

She found herself hoping that Eddie would put his arm around her – even if he had to fake yawn to do it. But his hands stayed loosely in his lap. Occasionally he’d lean forward at a scene he found interesting, and whenever he returned to lean back in his seat she’d catch his smell in the air and remember snuggling up against him, listening to him reading to her.

She felt a bit embarrassed about it now that the effects of the marijuana were long gone, as well as feeling a bit bad about them hijacking not only Dustin’s room, but his bed.

Steve’s laugh was like a donkey braying, but Robin’s laugh was enough to set Chrissy off giggling even if she hadn’t been laughing at the film, it was breathless and wheezy and just about the funniest laugh she’d ever heard. Eddie didn’t laugh as much as the rest of them, only sniggering most of the time but when he did finally laugh it was goofy as hell and made her toes curl.

She felt a pang of jealousy at Sloane’s figure – particularly her legs, a great connection and stir of sympathy for poor Cameron and genuinely really enjoyed the huge sense of escapism that seemed to bleed through the entire film.

As they piled out of the cinema, Steve was already singing the ‘Nurse’s song, complete with high pitched voice and actions, finding himself hilarious. Most of them popped to the loo, leaving Steve and Chrissy to wait out in the foyer, where Steve repeated his new bit.

“Chrissy?”

Chrissy turned and saw Lisa, one of her friends from the cheerleading squad, a bucket of popcorn in her hands. Chrissy waved, smiling. But the smile faded as Lisa looked from Chrissy to Steve, her eyebrows raised.

“Does Jason know you’re going on dates with Steve Harrington?”

“It’s not a date.” Steve explained, “We were in a group, we’re just waiting for them.”

Lisa didn’t look convinced, but Chrissy was already writing something

‘Broke up with Jason’

“You did?” Steve asked, with slightly too much interest and Lisa’s eyebrows somehow climbed even further up her forehead.

Thankfully, it was at that point that the girls returned, and Chrissy felt ashamed that she was glad Eddie hadn’t come out yet.

“Okay, well, um, just call me when I can come over and we’ll catch up, okay?”

Chrissy nodded, and Lisa moved passed them towards one of the other screens as Eddie appeared.

“You okay?” He asked, noticing Chrissy looked uncomfortable. She glanced quickly at Lisa’s retreating figure as she disappeared into the screen without turning around. Eddie followed her gaze and his face seemed to harden a little.

He didn’t really speak to her as they all made their way out, and when they came to separating to head for the different cars, he turned without saying goodbye and she had to grab his wrist, pulling her whiteboard up to write to him.

She didn’t know why she did it, but she made sure she left the most recent words on there long enough for him to read before wiping them off and writing ‘See you tomorrow?’

She looked up, but his gaze didn’t lift from the board, she jiggled it to get his attention again.

“Yeah. I’ll see you tomorrow.” He said finally. “Steve, you ready to go man?”

“Did you know she’d broken up with Jason?” Eddie asked Steve a few minutes later as he pulled up outside the cinema for Eddie to jump in.

“Well, no – but I sort of figured. She’s not exactly the prison bride type, is she?”

“Why were you talking about it then?”

“What?”

“Her board. It was on her board.”

“Ohhh, no.” Steve reassured him, explaining what had happened and then giving his friend the side-eye.

“Eddie, is this a lingering ‘must protect Chrissy’ thing, or is this a… you know a – a – a new protect… Chrissy… thing?”

“What?”

“Do you like her?”

Eddie laughed, “Steve man – I know you’ve, like, become decent since school or whatever, but you were Mr Popular, you know that’s not…” Eddie trailed off, “She… No, I just, I just want to make sure she’s okay. All that Vecna shit, you know?”

“Oh man, you got it bad.”

“What? No, I don’t. Go to hell, asshole.”

“I’m wounded.”

Steve tried to talk to Eddie about it again as they turned onto Henderson’s street.

“Look, Eddie, man. If she didn’t like you back why is she spending all her time with you? Making little fucking timetables and shit for when you can call her?”

“How’d you know about that?” Eddie asked, anger rising.

“What, I mean, Henderson—”

Colour rose in Eddie’s cheek, his jaw clenching.

“I’m just saying man – “

“Don’t. Just, just stop talking.” Eddie demanded as Steve parked the car. “And – stop listening to Henderson, he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Alright? Kid’s full of shit.”

“Okay, chill! I’m sorry!”

Eddie slammed the door shut behind him and stalked towards the house.

“Eddie! Eddie I’m sorry! Ed?” Steve shouted from the window, but Eddie ignored him.

“Did you have a nice time?”

Chrissy nodded, smiling at her mom as she closed the front door and bent to take off her shoes.

“What film did you see?”

Chrissy finished taking her shoes off and then wrote it down and held it up. Her mom asked her a few more questions, including if she had eaten anything and if Nancy had driven her home and then let her go upstairs to bed.

Chrissy flopped onto her bed, right on top of the covers, and stared up at the ceiling. Why had she cared if Lisa had seen her with Eddie? Their moms weren’t in the same circles, it wasn’t a ‘mom-finding-out’ thing. She felt awful. Truly rotten.

“I’m a terrible person.” She whispered to herself, remembering the way Eddie had followed her gaze, the way his face had fell. It was like he’d put a mask on. The mean and scary middle-finger-to-the-world expression he’d always worn at school. Like she’d lost the privilege of seeing the real Eddie behind it. The goofy, kind, thoughtful Eddie she’d been learning more and more about, the one she’d first caught a glimpse of that day at the picnic table behind the school.

Tears stung in her eyes, and a familiar nausea washed over her. She didn’t try and wait it out, walking to the bathroom as quickly as her legs could carry her there, even as her mouth started to fill with saliva.

When Chrissy excused herself the next morning to walk over to the Henderson’s house, she had been worried that Eddie would ask her about last night, if she was ashamed of being friends with the loser outcast who liked heavy metal and fantasy games or confront her about the fact she still cared what other people thought about her, about him. But it was worse than that, he just acted like it had never happened.

Sharing his theory that Robin and Vickie were dating, agreeing that it would be hard for Robin not to spill the beans about Vecna and the upside down. Chrissy asked him if they were off to college soon but Eddie didn’t know. She frowned thoughtfully at her shoes, and Eddie seemed to mistake it for regret that she wouldn’t be headed out of state to college with the rest of them.

“We can go for our GED together, right?”

Chrissy frowned, ‘You’re not grad’ing?’

“I was on the run and then spent weeks in the hospital under arrest.” Eddie laughed, “Wait – are you?”

Chrissy scowled and stood up.

“Hey, Chris – where you going?”

Chrissy ignored him, but her followed her, making it all the way to the front door,

“Chrissy!”

She frowned, shaking her head, but when she was a few houses over he fell in line beside her, looking like his skeleton weighed several tons, his shoulders hunched over as if trying to hide himself from view.

She wasn’t in the right headspace to stop and explain it to him, but reached out and took his hand, initially pulling him with her, and then letting him pull her as his gait outstepped hers. She had to tug him to a stop outside her house as he’d never been there and hadn’t known where they were going, moving purely out of desperation to get back under cover - she’d tugged him under the shelter of the porch and then gestured for him to stay put, stalking inside.

She found her mom in the kitchen and hastily wrote.

‘I’m graduating?

“Yes dear. I’ve already explained this to you. It’s not your fault you couldn’t return for your last semester, everyone agrees you shouldn’t have to repeat the whole year. You’ll still have to earn some extra credits - go back to school for a semester or so, or summer classes. But you won’t have to wait until next year. The principal has been liaising with the education board.”

‘Patrick?’

“Well yes, I’d have thought so.”

‘Eddie?’

“Oh well, I… I don’t know dear.”

‘Phonebook’

“I’m sorry?”

Chrissy ignored her, walking into the living room. Her dad was sat watching television and she flashed her whiteboard at him, he frowned, getting to his feet and helping her look.

He found it and pulled it out of the little cupboard by the kitchen door.

“Who are we looking for?” He asked, opening it up.

Chrissy shook her head, kissing his cheek in thanks as she took the book from him, snatching up her mom’s car keys as she went and headed back outside to where Eddie was waiting. She thrust the book into his surprised hands. She tried to tell him what she needed – made a weird croaking sound – and the rolled her eyes at herself, spinning round her whiteboard and sending her pen flying in her haste.

Eddie lunged for it and then held it out for her like a sword, she snatched it and was about to write what she needed when her mother burst through the door,

“Chrissy, where the hell do you think you are going with my car keys?!” She demanded, then saw Eddie and her eyes turned into saucers, “Chrissy!!”

Chrissy met Eddie’s eyes, then looked at her mother’s car.

Eddie understood at once, his hand already outstretched to catch the keys as she flung them to him.

[dangerousperfectpill]

12.31.22

Last day of 2022! It has been a good year. Lots of ups and downs, and many very big changes. I feel like this year I learned so, so much, and I am honestly so proud of myself. I feel like I learned so much and came such a long way. I do more things for me, that interest me, without caring about what other people think. I still struggle, but in 2023 I hope to adjust my vision so that I can better addresses the emotions and struggles I face.

So many of the things I used to only dream about are coming true in my every day. That is incredible! I am a 4.0 student. I am loved, I have an incredible group of friends. I have freedom. I do things for me. I am so grateful because watching myself blossom with my environment makes me so happy. I thank the Universe for everything it has given me. For the laughs, for the smiles, the triumphs, for every supercharged emotion that has made 2022 as memorable to me as it is. Everyday I grow to be more like Julie, like Ashley, like my mom. I have the most incredible women in my life to look up to. Everyday I grow closer to my dad, and I have been able to watch the disdain I have for him melt away and be replaced by a bond that only occurs when two souls are one in the same.

So thank you for everything.

Now, when I wake up in the morning, it will be the new year. 2023!

Things I will bring into 2023:

The friendships I hold closest.

My GPA.

My curiosity.

My drive.

My family.

My loyalty to myslef

Things I will leave in 2022:

My binge eating disorder.

Fear of the future.

Self sabotage.

Laziness.

Bitchiness.

Lack of motivation.

What I want more then anything else: to leave my binge eating disorder in the past.

From my core, for every time I have cried, dug into my self loathing with a fork. For every time I have felt alone, misunderstood and disgusting. I will with everything in me to leave this lack of control behind in 2022.

I visualize a life of true happiness. One where food isn't always in my minds eye. One where I don't restrict and one where I don't binge. One wear my diet is normal, satisfying. One that makes me happy.

Though I am scared that regardless of these words I will fall into old habits like I have, I release those fears. In the past I have been able to accomplish things I thought to be impossible. This is no different. I leave things that make me sad and disgusted in 2022. There is room for only beauty, happiness and blooming in 2023. If I want to, with all my heart - and I do, I can stop binging. And I will. Everything will work according to this. I will stop binging. I no longer will binge because it self sabotages and makes me feel more isolated and alone then I feel before I binge.

I have been able to manifest everything else I want. I am beloved, intelligent and happy.

If i can manifest everything that I have wanted in the past, I can manifest this. For truly, being able to be free of this four year nightmare and struggle would be the biggest blessing 2023 can offer.

Dear 2023,

I cannot wait to see the magic you have in store.

I have a feeling that the happiness you are about to provide will be something beautiful and unmatched. A product of all my hard work and life experience up until this point. I embrace every challenge you give me with open arms, lovingly I enfold every day in my embrace, for every single day is a gift.

Thank you.

[is-nini]

Prince! Xiao x royal! reader

You are y/n l/n, the daughter of the l/n family. The daughter of duke f/n and duchess m/n and today is such a surprising day for you.

The huge grand clock was ticking, filling the quiet room of your dining table that was once filled with chatter and cheer. The look on your face is priceless and shocking to say the least after hearing a very very surprising news that has reaches your ear.

"Wh-what?!".

You sputtered. You mom and dad smile's at you proudly but their smile didn't hide the anxiety swirling in their eyes.

"Prince Xiao who will soon becomes a king, has invited you to have a dinner with him, in the letter he stated that you have been chosen to be his future wife, isn't it exiting?!".

Your father stated proudly. You shake your head and furrowed your eyebrows. Prince Xiao.. who will be crowned king next week wanted YOU to be his WIFE?!

"Nuuh-!".

You shake you head no.

"There's no way! That I'm going to his dinner party of whatever".

You stated. Your mom and dad looks at you shockingly and in a instant your mom runs towards your chair where you're seated.

"B-but honey- listen.. we know you had your differences in the past but- he wanted to made up! Won't you see him one time? For us? We cannot reject his invitation- he is going to be KING soon".

You sigh and looks down at you half empty plate. You and Xiao used to be such a close friend... Until one day he grew cold, he pushes you away and said that you shouldn't have meet him.

Although it was 15 years ago, you remembered it like it was yesterday.. the tears of loosing him has stayed with you for years to no end.. and now he suddenly wanted YOU to be his WIFE? Your mom felt your distress and you father felt it too but an order from one of the highest rankings of the kingdom cannot be rejected.

"Please... Y/n.. just meet him.. for dinner. I have a feeling he wanted to tell you something.."

You father gently said, he smiles gently towards you once you made a eye contact with him. Your father's begging and your mother's sad and stressed looks is enough to make you accept the invitation with a sigh.

"Fine... But i won't like it".

You gritted out of your teeth. Your mom and dad cheers at you, you might be mad and sad about the whole ordeal but.. you can't really say no to your mom and dad.. can't you?

The birds are singing and the sun is shining.. the sky seems to be in a good mood sadly you and the sky doesn't seem to have the same mood today.

"You look great sweetheart".

Your father said, squeezing your hand with a huge smile on his face while your mother is smothering you with compliments and praises more than usual.

"Ahhh gosh who knew our little girl would be a pretty elegant woman?!"

She squeal. You giggle and puts a small gentle smile on your face. As much as you hated this day.. at least you'll know that the both of your parent will be happy while you're away.

You kiss the both of their cheek and took a step back. You mom hugs you one last time.

"We know this is hard for you but.. we really do hope you sort out your differences".

You gave them a sad smile.

"We shall see.."

And with that you step inside the carriage and started to make your way to the kingdom... Oh boy.. you do hope that you'll be able to carry on smoothly.. the emotional scar in the past hasn't heal and you're afraid that you'll bleed and lose control.. you quickly shake your head and slap your face gently with both hand.

"You'll be fine! You'll be fine y/n l/n. He will NOT be the cause of you loosing control. Period!"

You look out the window after a couple of hour of ride. The castle is in full view. In a couple of minutes you'll be reaching the castle... Your anxiety is blowing up inside you.. some part of you are happy that you'll get to see him but.. some parts of you are just.. scared.

As you walked out of the carriage, you can feel your legs trembling tremendously. One of your maid ask if you're okay and of course you say yes... Even though you're obviously lying the maid doesn't say anything more. The maid doesn't know what to say, and you cannot blame her.

You took a deep breath and started to Walk towards the humongous door way.

One of the knight opened the huge door and bow down, letting you walk inside the palace. Gosh... It has been 15 years since you last saw the palace.. nothing really change around here accept for the tense aura that you bring upon yourself.

A fellow butler bow Infront of you as you courtesy back to him with a friendly smile on your face.

"We have been expecting your arrival lady y/n, please follow me. The prince has been waiting for your arrival".

Ever since you stepped into the castle, no words are being spoken out from your mouth as if a curse was upon you to not allow you to talk, when in reality you're just nervous and loose your voice. In a couple of second.. you will meet you childhood crush who crushes your heart.. how are you suppose to be calm?!

You and the butler stopped in front of a huge golden coloured door that's decorated with your favourite flower... Interesting.. you are too deep into your headspace that you didn't notice the butler beside you is asking you a question until he clears his throat, making you jump.

"S-sorry"

You said, the butler smile's softly at you and bow down for a while and then he whisper to your ears.

"You'll be fine lady y/n, please relax. Are you ready my lady?"

He ask and then pulled away from you, giving a soft smile towards you. You flash a Sad smile and nodded towards him as he opened the door revealing a beautiful glass room. The walls the glass... Everything is magical.. the place's is filled with your favourite flower, favourite colour and design. Even though the room is absolutely enchanting, you cannot ignore the man in the middle of the room. Sitting on one of the fancy chair with a glass of tea on his lips. He slowly puts down his cup and stare at you with his yellow glowing eye.. that you remember.

You straighten your back and walk towards him as he stands up and walk towards you too. Just as you were about to reach him your gosh darn clumsy leg slip, making you stumble forward lucky you manage to catch yourself before you fall. You quickly take your none existence composure back and looked at Xiao with a huge red across your face.

Xiao saw you stumble and.. oh god of rex lapis.. you just becomes prettier and prettier the more he saw you.. the way you stumble is not elegant but it is cute.. it reminds him of a little... Kitten stumbling.

"Becareful, we would want you to fall".

..... What.. he wanted to slap himself for saying that as he took out the chair for you.

"Y-yes thankyou your highness".

You wanna slap yourself for stuttering UGH why is this so embarrassing?! You sat down slowly on the chair he has pulled out as you watch him goes back to his seat. The table is round and is made out of glass, making Xiao able to see everything in a pretty close proximity since the table is pretty small..

The two of you sat in silence. You are staring at your hand from above the table while Xiao is looking everywhere else but you. The aura here is so tense.. which is understandable but Xiao can sense a rather... Heavy aura coming out of you. Not that he's wrong. The sense of anger and confusion slowly engulfed you and starting to get the best of you.

"Why did you invite me here?"

You spat out, you quickly wanted the earth to swallow you whole but it's too late to go back so you decided to swallow your pain and cringe and started to pull up your head to look at prince Xiao.

Xiao was.. not surprised in the slightest.. he knew you must be mad about the event that took place 15 years ago... But Xiao cannot stand anything anymore.. after he got mature he knows what to do.. he finally has the courage to ask you for a dinner with him.

"To make you my wife".

Xiao respond. Loud and clear. you furrowed your eyebrows, is this all? No explanation? No sorry just a proposal? Is this all really? You tsked and roll your eye. Lady etiquette? Frick that. Throw that away you wanted explanation.

"Just that?"

You spat, staring at Xiao dead in the eye. Xiao realize the mistake he made and sigh quietly trying to fix everything but his pride won't allow him to do so..

"No.."

He trail's off as he prepare his mental.

"I wanted to apologize.. for the event 15 years ago.."

You sigh and without you noticing your shoulder slowly relaxed as you stare at your hand, fiddling with your thumb. A habbit that hasn't left you since you're small.

"I was young and dumb.. at that time".

Xiao looks at your eyes, filled with emotion.. sad and anger emotion swirling inside your pretty e/c coloured eye.

"I was- i was scared.."

He trail's off. You tried to hold your tears the best of your ability. Scared? Of what? What is he scared about to make him wanted to abandon you?

"We were going on a war soon.. and as the future king of this kingdom it's either kill or be killed. At first i realize that maybe it's better if you just.. stay away from me, thinking that it will keep you safe-"

His words was cuts off when he heard a little noises coming from you. He focuses his entire body and mind towards you as he saw tears running down your face. With wide eye he quickly runs towards you and spin you chair, making you spin too. You close your face, not wanting to show Xiao the mess you are right now. Xiao kneel in front of you and hold your shoulder.

"Y/n? I-i'm sorry.. i wanted to make you happy and safe is all! I never wanted to abandon you nor make you cry i just-"

Xiao looks at you sadly and hugs you as you sob to his shoulder, you hugs him back, letting your emotions out. You don't care if your tears stained his suit. You just wanted his warmth. The warmth that you missed for all of this years.

"I just.. wanted you to be safe.. i wanted you to be happy. I thought pushing you away will be better but.. i was wrong. Very wrong. And it was stupid of he to take 15 years to finally realize that i cannot live without you. I'm sorry".

You shake your head no and hug Xiao back.

"N-no I'm sorry! I was- i was stupid! I should've ask you what's wrong! I should've-"

You were about to continue when xiao pulled you away and puts his palm on your cheek while he looks at you deep into your soul through your eye.

"No. You're not stupid. Never say that. You're not wrong... Okay .. stop feeling like you're wrong. Stop blaming yourself".

He whisper. He push his face closer to your face and smile's at you gently and sweetly.

"Shh... It's okay dear.. I'm sorry okay.. can you forgive me?"

You nod your head 'yes' slowly as you tried your best to flash him your warmest smile. Xiao wrapped his arms around your shoulder, hugging you again and tighter.

"Even after all this year's... I still.. i still harbor deep feelings.. towards you.. that's why i ask you to be my fiancee. I can never.. move on. Never. I am aware that asking your hand in Marriage right now is too fast but.. I'm willing to do anything to make you fall for me again.. would you take my attempts to make you fall for me again?"

You giggle and hugs Xiao back, shaking your head while little hiccups is spoiling from your mouth.

"N-no need... Because even until now i still keep my feelings for you and only you Xiaobebe".

You talk while sobbing, giggling and smiling at Xiao. Xiao just giggle alongside you and kiss your lips passionately as you kiss him back. Once you both pull away from eachother to take some air, you decided to crack a joke.

"Gosh... We're so cheesy".

Xiao full on laugh and kissed your temple, and kiss you back.

"Shut up... You ruin the moment my princess".

You giggle against his lips and hugs your hand around his neck.

"Shush. You don't mind"

You reply with a sassy tone. Xiao humn and looks at you dead in the eye.

"So sassy huh? Since when is your lips so spicy?"

He puts his thumb on your mouth and stroke your mouth slowly with his thumb.

"Let's see how long can you keep up the sassy act princess".

He nibble on your neck, making a rawr noise and then pull you up princess style from your seat. He opened the door and started to bring you through the hallway and making his way to his bedroom.

Unknowingly the both of you, Xiao's butler and your maid was listening to your every conversation with a wide smile on their face.

"Such a wonderful relationship~".

Your maid said with a fake tears running down her face. The butler just smiled and walked away from the place they were eavesdropping.

"Let's go, we have a wedding to plan people!"

The butler shout's as the maid and servants around him cheer. You have always bring the colour to the cold hearted Prince's heart everyone ships the both of you and now your presence will bring warmth to the whole kingdom and the future king's heart while filling the newspaper with amazing news.

Taglist: @laic2299 @inlustris-is-slowly-dying @dreaminselfinserts