#《 ° kaey ; meta 》 my past has tasted bitter for years now

[hegrowth]

kaey is 110% out here taking care of stray animals whenever he can. even when he's still working for aleksey, he will 12/10 go out of his way to care for them. he feels connected to them, in a way. they're survivors, scrappers, like he is and they don't care what he's done, just that he cares.

when he's living his own life kaey still does this, even taking them into his home to rehabilitate them and find them a new owner. it's a passion project more than anything, it makes him feel good. if he can help he's going to. if he can show these lonely animals that there is good in the world and give them peace and love, it's worth it.

[omends]

𝒀𝑶𝑼𝑹 𝑪𝑯𝑨𝑹𝑨𝑪𝑻𝑬𝑹 𝑨𝑹𝑪

kaey - corruption arc ; so. you got worse. and i'm not entirely sure i can blame you for it. maybe it was in you all along, hidden and waiting, or maybe someone planted it in you and watched it grow. either way, it's there now and you hold it in your fist like a second heart - this blood, this hunger, this thrill of having teeth and using them. perhaps you are right to. you are a mirror for the hardness of the world, and a mirror that we could all stand to look in more often. it's hard to watch the bleeding bring about more blood, but it is undeniable that you are very good at wounding.

wystan - tragic hero arc ; we all know how this story goes. when it began, you were almost the perfect hero, but almost is never enough. you lacked introspection, or you were too stubborn or vengeful or reckless - as reckless as the world that helped to ruin you. you were not perfect, and that's okay. we knew the story ended in blood and we watched it anyway. we knew you would die in the end and we still couldn't help but love you, just a little bit. at the very least, you are more human than a hero could ever be.

indi - disillusionment arc ; it's hard to imagine yourself when you were young. maybe you were meant to be a hero; maybe you could have been, in another world, but this world only made you sad. there seemed to be too many problems to fix and too much cruelty and too many hard lines that you did not know how to soften. the world turns and it is bloody and hard and you sit on your bed, thinking about the blood and the hardness and all you failed to do. i know it feels like you could sleep until the end of time, but i hope you don't. i hope you lift yourself out of bed one day, not to save the world, but to peel an orange and to walk in a forest; to find all the softness you could not create.

chey - redemption arc ; your story had a pretty rough start and you did some things you're not proud of, but you made the choice to change. i won't go through how important it is to accept responsibility and keep striving to improve or whatever because you know that already. what i think you should know is that your fuel does not need to be shame. you don’t need to stand over the bathroom sink with your blood in your hands until you can no longer make out your reflection. you will look at your face and you will see the person you used to be, but that person no longer exists. today, you are looking, and that makes all the difference.

tagged by: @mooneternyl tagging: @vxctorx @luposcainus @manenimittliv @macveigh @magioffire @cripplemagics @defiantclairvoyant @dutyworn @akeron @breaksmen @fromtower / @entersatan + you !

[shdwtouch]

kaey tag drop !

《 ° visage 》 in your hands theres a touch that can heal ; but in those same hands is the power to kill

《 ° study 》 and when they tell you to give them a smile why dont you show them how sharp your teeth are ?

《 ° meta 》 my past has tasted bitter for years now

《 ° interaction 》 theres no one i can trust / i used to think there was ; tell me that im cutthroat i think you got your eyes closed

[omendsa]

fun ( ? ) factoid of the day: kaey feels a lot of self-assigned guilt ( I say self-assigned cuz kaey also has a lot of guilt due to things aleksey claimed he was responsible for ) concerning the other touched that aleksey attempted to train. he feels bad that he could never save or protect them. he feels bad that he never stopped aleksey; not for his own sake ( he's convinced he could take it ) but for theirs. kids he couldn't help, stopped trying to help the older he got because he knew how futile it was.

he feels guilty for all the times he told them that cooperating made it better. he feels guilty for all the times he ignored what aleksey did, how removed he became. he feels complicit, just as responsible as aleksey. he feels all the guilt and remorse than aleksey could never feel. he feels guilty even though he tried so hard for so long to help them; he feels guilty because he stopped.

he even feels guilty about julienne. because he should have known that aleksey would target tristan when julienne was gone. kaey feels like he should have done more to protect them both, even when he saved them both.

that's why kaey is not a savior. hes not an angel. hes alive only out of the gut-wrenching need to make amends.

[omends]

kaey usually sleeps on his side. doesn't move around a lot, rigid, tries to take up a small amount of space. kinda curls up ? like he's in a kneeling or sitting position, arms close to his body.

when sleeping with someone else he tries to take up little space, leaving some space between him and whoever (to the exception of cuddling, etc) but always touching them with his hand.

he likes lots of blankets, gets cold easily. but also pillows; his bed is v comfy and kinda luxurious ?? it's one of the few "nice" things he allows himself. never sleeps far from a weapon.

if he's sleeping with someone else and gets cold there is always a chance he will kinda just, tuck himself by them for warmth. you know how cats and dogs like laying against / partly on you ? that's what he does. but like, who wouldn't want to wake up with a purring boi laying against their shoulder ??

he sleeps irregularly, and is infamous for falling asleep in places that are not suitable for proper rest. frequently on the floor in front of his couch, curled up in a chair, or at his desk. if he has a partner he will match their sleep pattern, lay with them even if he doesn't sleep, provide cuddling at night or helping in the morning.

pro-tip on how to get your birb boi to sleep: say you're going to take a nap, wait for him to follow you to bed, lull him to sleep, profit.

ngl sleeping with others, especially partners / people he cares about, is very comforting for him. he is, in fact, more likely to sleep in the presence of people he trusts than he does in general. he feels safe so he'll relax. and he really is like a dog or cat; he'll follow you around the house, and if you stop to do something for an extended period don't be surprised to turn around and find him sleeping nearby.

he does experience nightmares and panic attacks in his sleep. these often leave him in a defensive state, which is why he likes leaving space between him and his partner. just in case he wakes up in a panic, to keep them safe. he's also very... defensive ? about these experiences, and doesn't like talking about them and has thusly never gotten professional help.

and, of course, he's usually a light sleeper. loud noises and bright lights will usually rouse him quickly. he doesn't like sleeping with an alarm clock just because it's a very uncomfortable sound. sleeping around other people / busy places (like hotels, near train tracks, etc) is difficult for him because he will just lay there analyzing the sounds he's hearing. once he's used to the ambient noise he can sleep. if he's traveling he will usually bring a sleep noise machine; it was difficult finding one that didn't agitate him, but he found one !

regarding safety, he likes having weapons in close proximity to his bed, and also employs several locks for optimal security. partners shouldn't be surprised to come home / return to the bedroom and find the door closed and locked because he was trying to sleep.

he's just very paranoid, and it's been hard to adapt to healthy sleep habits.

[omends]

you guys know the confused sound sleeping cats make when you touch them and wake them up ? thats the sound kaey makes when he wakes up from being unconscious. now just imagine your muse kneeling over an unresponsive kaey, freaking out, and he just comes to with a confused mwrrh??? and gives them an affectionate / reassuring forehead bonk

[omends]

MUSE AESTHETIC FEELINGS.

𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐏𝐈𝐍𝐄𝐒𝐒. being unable to stop smiling. laughter. bear hugs. happy tears. waving arms around. dancing. contently sighing. eyes twinkling. laughter lines. childlike playfulness. skipping. talking more. affection. cracking more jokes than usual. gesturing more when talking. higher pitched voice. squealing. jumping around. clapping.

𝐒𝐀𝐃𝐍𝐄𝐒𝐒. tearing up. self-hugging. one-arm cross. an aching chest. scratchy throat. a runny nose. turning away. deep breaths. quivery smiles. crying. infantile sobbing. hands gripping each other or an object. covering mouth. puffy eyes. eyes appear red. voice breaking. a distant or empty stare. monotone voice. asking for comfort. faking a smile. crumbling. shaking. whimpering. depression. abusing an unhealthy habit. withdrawing from others. big teary eyes. doing something even if it could hurt them.

𝐀𝐍𝐆𝐄𝐑. furrowed brows. baring teeth. passive-aggressive comments. avoiding eye contact. sarcasm. headache. sore muscles. hiding clenched fists. irritability. jumping to conclusions. raising voice. going silent. demanding immediate action. keeping it all in until exploding. body tensing. making risky decisions. middle finger.

𝐅𝐄𝐀𝐑. wanting to flee or hide. what-ifs. images of what-could-be flashing in mind. uncontrollable trembling. rapid breathing. screaming. a skewed sense of time. irritability. keeping silent. denying fear. turning away from the cause. pretending to be brave. nail-biting. lip-biting. scratching skin. a joking tone but a voice that cracks. fainting. insomnia. panic attacks. exhaustion. substance abuse. tics. rushing adrenaline. face draining of colour. hair lifting on the back of the neck. feeling rooted to the spot. making body as small as possible. staring but not seeing. crying. a shrill voice. whispering. gripping something or someone. stuttering. flinching at noises. pleading.

𝐄𝐗𝐇𝐀𝐔𝐒𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍. constantly yawning. blurring words together. dark circles or lines under eyes. mood swings. hallucinations. calling people by the wrong name. dizziness. denying they’re tired. slow blinking. trouble concentrating. stumbling. leaning on a doorframe for support. sluggish movements. falling asleep someplace that isn’t a bed. becoming irritated by the smallest things. “i’m awake, i’m fine.”. shaking so bad they spill their drink. fall asleep in their clothes. lay their head on the table because they’re so tired. passing out.

tagged by: @celestieu tagging: @macveigh @mooneternyl @luposcainus @vxctorx @defiantclairvoyant @thebestplayer @dutyworn @soleiltm + you !

[omends]

if you were a deity, what would be your domain?

KAEY - Trickery and Darkness ; You are the divine incarnation of darkness, trickery, and deceit, and of all things concealed and impermissible. You lurk in those deep-delved and far-flung places beyond the reach of inquisitive minds and prying eyes, and you shelter outsiders and empower those forced to dwell in the shadows. Mortals often spurn you or brand you as an evil deity due to your association with criminals and plotters; however, it would be more truthful to say you represent a natural antithesis to the status quo. Those who most revere you—thieves, revolutionaries, forbidden cults, and secret societies—merely seek to challenge the established order and reveal its cruel imperfections. Your mythological equivalents are Greece’s Nyx and Hermes, Scandinavia’s Loki, Eurasia’s Veles, and the Navajo’s Coyote.

WYSTAN - Warfare and the Forge ; You are the divine patron of battle, conflict, and the weapons forged to fight them. You are quick to temper and obstinate in disposition, and you also govern heroic attributes such as strength, courage, and honor. Due to your domain’s ability to bring widespread death and suffering, much of the mortal realm often looks upon you with fear and disdain. However, you also give life to transformative and regenerative forces such as revolution and rebellion, and your innovative forge has birthed vital technologies of science, beauty and prosperity alongside its spears and armor. Mortals look to you for bravery and prowess in battle as well as skilled craftsmanship, and your mythological equivalents are Greece’s Ares and Hephaestus, Scandinavia’s Odin, Egypt’s Sobek, and Mesoamerica’s Huītzilōpōchtli.

tagged by: @mooneternyl tagging: @vxctorx @luposcainus @magioffire @macveigh @celestieu @dutyworn @haaldyrn @nykrose @thebestplayer @pnnthr @breaksmen @richardxoliverxmayhew @defiantclairvoyant + you !

[omends]

haha just realized kaey probably has anxiety about certain things as a trauma response

what immediately comes to mind are locked doors, namely if it's keeping him in the room, especially if there's no ability to unlock the door from his side. growing up with aleksey, being locked in his room was common to enforce curfew etc. what was bad was when the door was locked unexpectedly, or he was returned to his room and locked inside. because that usually meant something was wrong. and while being confined to his room was definitely a more tame punishment, he hated it. after awhile he stopped asking to be let out and just waited, but being held in a locked room still gives him anxiety.

oh and rings. like, heavy signet rings. kaey has various scars, namely the one on his cheek, courtesy of alekseys signet ring. if he notices one he'll fixate on it.

(will probs add more to this !)

(edit: will also do more research into trauma responses and triggers when it's not 7 am, I apologize if any terminology is incorrect or misrepresented !)

[omends]

kaey will literally forget to sleep and eat, but if someone else isn't taking care of themself he will intervene. not sleeping in bed ? he'll lay with you. not eating ? what do you want, he'll get it. if you don't take care of yourself then he'll take care of you. he will adopt you mentally. he will support you and remind you how valid you are. he will always make sure you know you matter to him.

[hegrowth]

what's in your bag ?

tagging: you !!

[omends]

okay but can we talk about the adorable domestic intimacy of reading aloud to someone ? kaey has never liked a lot in the way of media, but books are something he can get into. if kaey loves you he'll read to you, but he really likes when people read to him too.

[omends]

shadow!kaey can turn into a birb... that's it. that's the post.

[omends]

Henri taught Kaey archery. Henri still had a couple of his sons old bows laying around, Kaey picked one up and asked about it; by the end of his time at the cabin, Kaey was skilled. He'd picked it up fast. It was something for him to focus on and vent his anxious energy into, and it gave Henri something to bond with him over. Kaey still practices, courtesy of a bow gifted from Henri after they reunited.

[omends]

if possible, kaey will always approach physical confrontation non-lethally. his style of violence is based in survival with minimal blood loss or serious injury, definitely nothing fatal or life threatening if he can help it. if he can avoid hurting people he will, and will only resort to killing if he has no other options available.

kaey is very skilled in stealth and precision close combat; no noise, no blood, no detection. it should also be noted, that while a) being dangerous in his own right when unarmed and b) preferring to approach confrontation non-lethally, kaey still keeps himself armed. this is part of the reason it is inadvisable to sneak up on him / attempt to interact without his consent... he is prone to react negatively when he feels threatened or surprised. whatever you do, don't underestimate him.

[shdwtouch]

kaey, finally getting caught. wystan coming in to talk to him. honestly, just berating him for being a pain in the ass. getting his muzzle off. first thing out of his mouth, an apology for beating up wystans guys and making one or two of them look stupid.

kaey may despise wystan and hate aleksey, but they have respect for each other.

wystan's rules for his team when going after kaey:

spread out, but stay together. never go off on your own. eyes on each other all the time. (wystans note: kaey can and will pick you off if he feels cornered)

flush him out of whatever location he is in, even if that means having to regroup to follow and find him again. (wystans note: he will have prepared for an event like this, so getting him as far along his efforts to evade as quickly as possible is important to getting him off guard and easier to pin down)

do not engage in hand-to-hand combat. (wystans note: if you are within arms reach of him you are too close, and also fucking stupid)

do not focus on his prosthesis; it's not worth the effort of attempting to disarm him, he can and will fight without it. (wystans note: and dont fucking try to use something to disable or damage it, that is expensive gear)

lethal damage prohibited. (wystans note: punishable by immediate termination)

do not speak to him. all communications must pass through wystan for approval beforehand. (wystans note: because one of you idiots thought you could convince him to stand down and got your ass handed to you the last time)

minimal collateral damage and outside involvement. (wystans note: you're fucking professionals, act like it, fuck whatever aleksey said about "stakes")

muzzle required upon retrieval, no exceptions. (wystans note: and no, for the last time, he does not have rabies, stop fucking asking)