#❧ ｢ kaname toujou ｣ ⸻ ic

[heartthrummed-a]

@chisupa​ (tooru) asked: “Marry me” (accepting)

at first, kaname doesn’t believe their ears. they even think they might have imagined it initially, frozen in disbelief for a few long moments, but surely they just heard him wrong. there’s no way he’d be asking them to marry them, right? he probably said something more like carry me, right? which doesn’t sound far off from the sort of request tooru might make― yet kaname knows that can’t be right either. sure, they’ve regained some mobility and can manage to get maybe a couple feet away from their wheelchair, but they’re still more or less bound to it and certain in no condition to try and carry anyone in their condition. tooru knows that, and kaname knows he wouldn’t ask them to try something like that. besides, tooru should still be resting comfortably on the couch while kaname is hunched over the sketchbook in their lap, drawing out designs for a potential series of outfits for eden to wear at their upcoming event. 

should be, being the operative word. because when the former revolutionary turns their gaze to tooru to ask what brought up such a question so randomly, they find he is no longer laid out beside them on the couch, but rather crouching in front of it, knelt on one knee. which only goes to show how engrossed they were in their work, having never noticed his movement, but they can’t think about that right now― not when he’s now taking their hand between his own and repeating himself, causing their cheeks to burn bright red as their hands shake harder than usual.

❝r... ru-kun... that’s not a very funny joke, you know? you shouldn’t do that to yourself.❞ a timid, sad little smile, and then kaname uses their free hand to set their sketchbook and pencil aside just to then rest that hand on tooru’s cheek, thumb stroking the skin affectionately. ❝tying yourself down with me... no one could possibly want that. not after everything i’ve done. everything that i am. you’d just be inviting yourself to a world of hurt. you can’t possibly want that, right...?❞

but their words are so half-hearted, trailing off into nothing rather quickly. how could they believe those words when tooru is right here, looking at them with more love and determination than they have ever seen in their entire life? his truth is undeniable, and they know that. they have for a long time now.

so it isn’t long before their tears burst forth, and kaname surges forward into his arms as they hold onto him tightly. laughter, too, bubbles out of their chest, and they shake their head and grin at him once their forehead comes to rest against his, even despite the fear that still settles in their gut.

❝but of course i’ll marry you. nothing would make me happier than to love you and stay by your side forever, my darling. if you’ll have me, then i want to be with you forever, marry you and live life happily for once. so yes, a thousand times yes― i’ll marry you in a heartbeat, tooru.❞

laughing softly again, kaname leans in to press a kiss to his lips, both hands now lovingly cupping his face. and then another, and another― each one sweeter than the last, all interrupted by the fit of happy giggles still escaping them.

❝i love you so much, tooru,❞ they whisper against his lips. ❝nothing would make me happier than to live life at your side.❞

[heartthrummed-a]

@henshyne​ asked: "you stayed." micchy to kaname... (accepting)

the fact that their choice to stay comes as a shock is nothing short of heartbreaking. has there been no one else to do this for him? no one to drop everything, to leave even in the middle of a production just to run to his side to help when he needed it? surely that can’t be. surely there have been others. surely there are still others. 

never mind that right now, though. kaname can deal with that later. for now, all that matters is micchy and making sure that he’s okay. which is admittedly hard, considering that they don’t know where to start― they don’t even know what exactly is wrong. all they know is that when they got a text from mitsuzane simply asking if they were busy, something felt terribly off. or rather, the inexplicable sense of foreboding that had been lingering over them all day suddenly became much more potent, and they could simply feel that something was wrong. so, with a sense of urgency, kaname excused themself for the day, leaving crazy:b’s on-set rehearsal for tomorrow’s live in anzu’s capable hands (things are better off in her far more capable hands anyhow, as far as they’re concerned, and they’ll suffer the consequences tomorrow anyway) and raced to mitsuzane. which was admittedly rather difficult, wheelchair bound as they are, but they didn’t want to waste time waiting for kasumi, nor would they trouble anyone back at the rehearsal to take the time out of their valuable practice just to take kaname to their boyfriend. they want to get there as fast as possible, but not cause problems for anyone else, after all. 

they do make it in record time, though, thanking every star in the heavens that micchy at least wasn’t too far away. and once they reach him, their heart only breaks further at his current state and those whispered words of simultaneous disbelief and relief, and almost immediately (but gently) do their arms wrap around his form.

❝of course i did,❞ kaname whispers softly as they stroke his hair. by now, they’ve already slipped from their wheelchair to instead sit beside him more comfortably. ❝nothing could pry me from you. no matter what happens, i’m always going to stay with you. for you. i promise you that, okay? swear on my life.❞ a pause, and then kaname pulls back from their embrace just a tad― just enough to meet his eyes as they cup a hand over his cheek, offering a gentle, warm smile.

❝besides, there’s nowhere else i’d rather be than right here with you. i love you, after all― and that means sticking together through it all. so, if you feel like you can... do you want to talk about what’s wrong? or would you rather just lie back for a while? i can make us some tea or something, if you’d like. maybe watch a movie to get your mind off of things? what would you like, micchy?❞

[heartthrummed-a]

@chisupa​ asked: “Don’t listen to them. You’re perfect the way you are.” / Tooru to Kaname (,: (accepting)

Kaname has always been a little too aware of others’ feelings, even if those thoughts weren’t spoken aloud. A standard blessing and curse, the gift of an empath. It allowed them to help others, to read the room, and to understand the people around them. On the other hand, it’s overwhelming, has tendency to emotionally overload them, and it’s never as specific as people think. In a crowd, they cannot pick out who is feeling what, and even with a single person, it’s not always so easy to name what that person (and in turn, Kaname) is feeling, let alone the cause of it. So when it comes to another’s sense of unease or dread or the like, Kaname will have no explanation and will want only to get as far away as possible from the source so that they may be freed of they heavy weight in their gut. All in all, it’s taxing― emotionally, mentally, and sometimes even physically.

And to add such a burden on top of the whispers truly leaving the lips of others? To know and feel the mix of pity and disdain? To even feel that residual anger people had for them even now, after the revolution has settled? Despite all they did to try and help? 

Naturally, it’s a terrible combination. It’s why Kaname avoids Reimei Academy as much as possible, despite being most closely affiliated with Cosmic Productions, featuring some of its students. Luckily it’s only two of them, though, and rarely does Kaname have to actually go to Reimei Academy for Eve. If they do, it’s typically just in a ride along in the car sent to pick them up so they can discuss the upcoming job along the way. They’ve never had to set foot inside the school or otherwise enter its campus grounds, and they’re thankful for that.

But fate is never so kind, not for long. Kaname had been placed in charge of producing and overseeing Eden’s live show at Reimei, and while initially they thought they might just be able to handle it after all, they quickly learned that they once again overestimated themselves. They could feel the ire they’d earned nearly two years ago, from those devout followers that clearly still could not comprehend that even a “special student” like HiMERU wanted to fight for them. Which thankfully wasn’t nearly as strong as it had been before, and maybe it would have even been manageable if not for the utter pity they also felt any time someone laid eyes on them.

What a shame, for a superstar to fall so far, they might as well have said. Which Kaname unfortunately thinks is a fair judgment, considering they had gone from a “prodigy” to now depending on a wheelchair with no hope of walking again, but still. Combined with that faint but noticeable remaining ire, it’s a terrible feeling, and once again Kaname wants to bail.

They don’t, though, because they want to see this production through after all the work everyone put into it. But if they’re quick with their parting with a promise to discuss the event’s results with the team the next day, then who could blame them? They just want away from this accursed school, and so they go running to what is familiar and comfortable. Which, to their own surprise, is not Emiru this time― though they think he and the rest of Crazy:B are busy with a job in the next city over anyway. Instead, about an hour later, they find themselves curled up in Tooru’s arms, thin frame shaking as the sobs and the fear wear off. They’re safe here, Tooru is warm and loving and quickly that begins to infect Kaname as well, once they’ve let that pressure in their chest burst and the events of the night spill forth. 

❝...You don’t think I’ve become a shameful thing?❞ They murmur quietly in response to his declaration, slowly lifting their head from his shoulder to meet his gaze.  ❝I― I’ve fallen so far though. I threw away everything, disappointed so many people, because I was such a coward and had no spine to speak of― but... you still think I’m perfect...?❞ Gods, they feel like they could cry again. And maybe their eyes do water up again, but they quickly hide that by hugging onto Tooru once more, face buried into the crook of his neck.

❝...Will you tell me again, love? I want to believe it. More than anything else, I want to finally believe those words, that I’m good enough. Will you help me with that, and remind me when I can’t seem to think well of myself at all? I can trust you with that, right?❞

Gods, please― they don’t want to put their faith in the wrong person again and lose everything they’ve gained all over again.

[heartthrummed-a]

@chisupa​ asked: Δ tooru to kaname uwu (accepting)

Δ = playing with their hair .

Not once had Kaname expected the work of a producer to be in any way easy, especially not when their own cousin had, once upon a time, relayed his tales as a makeup artist and all he had to put up with. They’d even seen it firsthand back in their own days as an idol, watching as producers ran themselves ragged just to get the job done, often with little appreciation given in return. They’d been fully prepared for that when they chose this path for themself following the (admittedly crushing) realization that they would never be able to perform as an idol again, had accepted that it would be their fate. Still, there are days that are harder than others, and today had been one of them. Even with Anzu to help, both of them were utterly worn out, but at least the projects had come to fruition, and the turnout for each one was even better than projected. Mission very well accomplished, as far as they’re concerned. And admittedly it was thrilling to hear such praise even from the likes of Ibara when it was all said and done. They’re very pleased with the results, but now all they want is to go home and perhaps sleep the entire next day.

Curling up on the couch with Tooru, however, is a very nice alternative. So, when asked, they had given a tired smile and wheeled closer so they could slide onto the couch with minimal effort, and then shuffled over to rest in his arms comfortably. Immediately soothed by his presence and warmth, Kaname rests their head on his shoulder and their arms around his torso, eyes falling shut with a pleased sigh.

❝Mm... You went to work today, didn’t you? How was it? Anyone give you any trouble day?❞ comes a rather sleepy inquiry, one eye pried open for a moment to peer up at him before deciding they’re too tired for that, and made too comfortable by the all-encompassing warmth of Tooru and the blanket now draped over the both of them (for which they mumble a soft thanks to the man in question). They can afford to rest their eyes for just a little bit, right? It’s not like they’re going to fall asleep on him already. They don’t really want to, considering they hadn’t seen him all day. The least they could do is spend a little bit of quality time with him before falling asleep, no?

But then those fingers are brushing through their hair, playing with longish blue locks that Kaname thinks might be due for a trim (and they make a mental note to get that touched up next week, as this week will be too busy for them), and Kaname whines softly. It feels so good, so soothing, and they know they won’t be able to stay awake for long if he keeps it up. Playing with their hair has always been a good way to put them to sleep, after all.

❝Tooru-kuuun... Are you trying to make me fall asleep on you? But I only just got here...~❞ The tease dissolves into a small yawn, but the sleepy grin remains as they snuggle further into him, perfectly content to let him keep playing with their hair despite the half-hearted whining.

❝Welll, I won’t stop you. But at least chat with me a bit before you put me to sleep, won’t you? I missed you today, after all~❞

[heartthrummed-a]

@chisupa​​ (tooru) asked: There’s a smile before Tooru takes Kaname’s hand in his own. “How is my beloved today?” Before they could answer Tooru bring the hand he’s holding to his lips, pressing a gentle peck to the knuckles. “Let’s spend today cuddling and forgetting everything else, I think I could definitely use that. A day of just us~”

tooru’s visage never fails to bring a smile to kaname’s features, nor does he ever fail to bring them a semblance of peace to the storm hidden behind their serene facade. that goes doubly so for his touch, feeling as if all the tension in their shoulders simply bleeds out the moment he takes their hand into his. but as they go to answer, he brings their hand higher, surprise blowing their eyes a bit wider as he presses a kiss to their knuckles. cheeks heat bright red almost immediately, heart skipping a beat over such a tender gesture. it sends them stammering for a second, their words dying on the tip of their tongue as their mind becomes fuzzy, busy, thrown for such a loop by nothing more than an affectionate gesture.

maybe it’s sad how every little affectionate gesture (at least when it doesn’t come from emiru) throws them for a loop, but it’s something they can grow used to with time. they want to. they crave his affection and attention like no other, and perhaps that shows in the way their hold on his hand tightens just a tad, a silent plea for him to simply not let go. 

❝...i’m quite well, actually,❞ they murmur softly with a smile, leaning back in their wheelchair. at the same time, they bring his hand to their lips to press a kiss to the back of it in turn, even if doing so makes them flush a little darker. ❝at least, i am now that you’re here. could be better, though, if we get to make good on that little idea of yours~ i could use some cuddles anyway, you know? i don’t really want to think about anything else anyway. i just... want to stay in your arms today, if i can. just us, like you said. so~ think you could help me to the couch, then? we could pop in a movie while we curl up with each other, don’t you think? maybe one of those cheesy romcoms to set the mood~❞

[heartthrummed-a]

@idoladne​ asked: 👀+ kaname, are you mad at me for taking over HiMERU? are you mad at me for pretending to be you? (accepting)

there are a few beats of silence, tense as brows furrow in thought, before the younger offers a strained smile. it takes a great deal of effort to sit up in their hospital bed, causes them no small amount of pain when their body is still so unused to movement after a nearly two-year coma, but they manage it and gently pull their legs over the edge so that they can sit to directly face emiru where he’s seated in a chair beside their bed. then, slowly and carefully, kaname reaches forward to brush a hand through his gentle blue locks, an imitation of their own. a very accurate one, mind you, and kaname wonders if that attention to detail (because his dyed shade damn near perfectly matches their natural one) is something he owes to his time as a makeup artist, or if it’s just a testament to how much time he spent with them before. or maybe it’s something born of a desperation to keep “HiMERU” alive? maybe a mix of all three? to hell if they know.

either way, it hurts. that, along with the slimmer physique he now presents (kaname, and thus “HiMERU”, was never as broad and big as emiru, and it seems he went as far as to lose weight to keep up their image), and the concealer covering some of his defining features just to match theirs... oh, they hate it, they hate it all, this whole feeling of looking back in a mirror. it tears at their heart, because they have to ask, where is emiru? where is my brother? where did my favorite person and saving grace go? 

❝...i am, but not for the reason you think,❞ they finally answer with a soft sigh, still toying with the ends of his hair. their eyes are fixated on that instead of his own gaze, but the strained smile remains. ❝i don’t think ‘mad’ is quite the right word, though. i am just... upset. bothered, because you threw away everything. you threw away yourself, mirumiru, and for what? a puppet? a name i hoped would disappear with me? no, that doesn’t even matter― nothing excuses sacrifcing yourself, emiru. i know you only wanted to save what i’d been working for, what i spent so long building up... but it’s not worth you, you know? HiMERU is... it’s unhealthy. it’s a curse, subject to the whim of others because it’s burdened by this ideal of perfection. and it’s my fault― i let it become that way. made it that way, because i didn’t know what i was doing. and by the time i did, it was too late, for everyone else had too strong a grip on it. and you’ve done well in breaking HiMERU from that with your unit, crazy:b, but...❞

trailing off, kaname drops their hand from his hair and finally meets his gaze, this time their smile much more genuine.

❝HiMERU was never meant for you, mirumiru. not even for me. no human could bear that, and i would not ask them to. so yes, i’m upset, because you threw away my brother. you threw away a perfectly good human, and you of all people should know i don’t abide by toying with human lives or tossing them aside. but i’m not as stupid as people think i am, either― so, even if i’m upset... i thank you for at least trying to honor me and what i did.❞ a gentle flick to his forehead, then kaname hugs him close, albeit very loosely when it still hurts so much to move.

❝and since you’re already so deep in HiMERU, and you’ve freed him from the shackles of others with crazy:b, can you at least promise me one thing? if you keep being HiMERU, make him your own. be yourself. stop trying to be what i was and embrace yourself for once. then i’ll be happy.❞

[heartthrummed-a]

@walkinstars​ (izumi) asked: ❝  i dare say, but if i’m not to dance with you, i’m getting out of this operetta and going home.  ❞ (accepting)

a brow raised, kaname cannot help but grin at their fellow knight. truthfully, they were quite enjoying the performance, as enthralled as ever by the sound of music (though admittedly they grew bored with the dialogue rather quickly), but as always, izumi is simply even more enthralling. enough that they could break from the operetta’s captivating hold on them just to give their attention to him instead, even slip away with him (and hopefully not attract anyone’s attention, but it’s not as if they care if someone notices). after all, who are they to turn him down? the acting grand master can harp on the pair all she wants later, or even sic lisa on them for escaping the performance specifically put on for the knights, which jean thus made the whole lot of them attend. kaname won’t care― it will be well worth it just to spend time alone with izumi. goodness knows they’re often kept too busy to get enough of it (by kaname’s standards, anyway, but their demands are pretty high when it comes to these things).

still, they can’t resist the opportunity to tease, to parrot those words they know jean will admonish them with later.

❝you would run away from this show so graciously put together for us in gratitude for our work in defending this city alongside the honorary knight? for shame, my dear~❞ playfully waggling a finger in his face, kaname laughs softly before leaning over in their seat to loop their arm through his and even rest their chin on his shoulder. though they were already whispering before so as to avoid drawing attention, their voice is even further hushed now as the position allows them to whisper in his ear, their grin only widening.

❝luckily for you, though, i’m much more interested in this proposed dance than this performance~ so lead the way, will you? or do you just want to dance here and definitely get a lecture about not paying proper attention? hm? either way is fine by me, you know~ well worth the dance with you~❞

[heartthrummed-a]

@chisupa​ (tooru) asked: “you know,  i love you.” (accepting)

it’s peaceful, laying like this, their head on tooru’s chest as they listen to his heartbeat. their notebook, full of music the pair had just written earlier here under the starry night sky, is held loosely against kaname’s own chest, and by now their eyes are half-lidded too. it’s obvious they’re tired, lulled closer and closer to sleep by the steady rhythm of tooru’s heart and the warmth of his embrace, and they know that at this point, climbing back into their wheelchair just to be able to head home is going to be a chore . still, they had begged him to let the pair stay out a little longer, just relaxing like this. because as much joy as they find in writing songs with him like this, they just want to be able to enjoy doing nothing at all with him too. it’s a nice night tonight anyhow, and this is the most peace they’ve felt in a long time. surely there’s no harm in indulging in it a bit longer, right? kaname certainly doesn’t think so. and tooru must not either, judging by the way obliges and holds them ever closer.

it’s nice, and for once kaname just feels safe and warm and happy. 

and they feel warmer still when tooru speaks, his words causing their cheeks to flush a bright red. but they grin a moment later, gently setting their notebook out of the way just to be able to snake their arms around his neck instead.

❝and i love you even more, my darling,❞ they murmur in an affectionate kiss to the tip of his nose. drowsiness creates a drawl in their voice not usually present, and it’s still hard to keep their eyes open, but it does not thing to stop them from peppering soft, lazy kisses across his face with that same sleepy grin still remaining. ❝you’re so sweet, even letting us stay out here like this~ but i do think i’m getting rather sleepy now... so why don’t we start heading home, hm? then i can properly cuddle you all night, my love. maybe i’ll even make us some breakfast in the morning, hm? and kasumi’s gone on a trip with her university friends for the weekend, too... we could have the whole place to ourselves for once~ no one to bother us, just peace and quiet like this~ what do you say to that, hm? can i steal you away for the rest of the night and maybe tomorrow too~?❞

[heartthrummed-a]

@walkinstars​​ (izumi) asked:  “Are you okay?!” (accepting)

for someone who has given up hope of properly walking again (though the chance still exists), kaname certainly has a tendency to push their luck. granted, it’s not like they could do nothing― they could still rise to their feet, and with some care and difficulty (and preferably something to lean against), they could still make shuffle or drag themself where they needed to go. typically this would be reserved for situations and places that were not so wheelchair-accessible (which is still pretty commonplace), but sometimes, not so much. kaname is reckless, after all― fatally so, really, and this is no exception. with no one currently in the room with them to tell them this is a terrible idea and a stack of papers (budget sheets for the current project that kaname very much needs) sitting on the desk a few feet away... well, it couldn’t hurt to try and take just a few steps to get it, right? so what if they don’t have someone immediately by their side to catch them if they fall? they’ll be fine― they’ve pushed their atrophied legs harder in physical therapy, even just yesterday.

but here in newdi’s meeting room, there are no guard rails for them to hold onto, nothing to catch themself on if they fall.

and fall they do, left foot catching on right heel on a too-hasty step on their way to the desk, sending them falling forward. their head hits the desk hard on the way down, drawing a loud hiss of pain from the producer right along with the shock of impact that knocks the wind from their lungs. it stings, too, right where they hit their head― and when the draw their hand back from pressing against it to try and alleviate that sting, they realize why. the impact broke skin, and although the cut isn’t so big (as far as they can tell, anyway, though they don’t know for sure), it bleeds almost excessively, as head wounds do. which makes it seem much more serious than it might be.

and sadly, that’s exactly how izumi finds them. what a sight they must make― collapsed on the floor, blood dripping down the side of their face and soaking those bandages covering their long-missing eye. it must be frightening, no? panic-inducing? because it certainly is for kaname, who feels that this is a little too familiar for their tastes and quickly pulls their bloodied hand away from their line of vision as panic begins to set in. 

❝i-i’m fine,❞ kaname stammers uselessly as they pointedly look away from izumi too. ❝i just― i thought i could reach it, and i almost did, but i had a bit of a spill. hit my head coming down. i-i don’t think it’s as bad as it looks though. but― i, um. i can’t look. it’s... too much. so, uh... would you? help me, i mean. would you help me. i just... would rather not have to see and feel all that blood more than i already have.❞

heaven forbid they have to remember the last time they saw and felt blood staining their skin and sticking to them so uncomfortably in a nightmarish scene, after all. 

deep breaths, though, they remind themself. it’ll be fine. you can do this, you can get over this. don’t panic, just breathe, don’t think about before. just focus on getting this cleaned up and taken care of instead. 

far easier said than done, but they try their best anyway, if only because they’re no longer alone in the room and can no longer afford to have a meltdown again, lest izumi have to see them some how even more pathetic than they already were.

god, anything but that, please.