#✦. —————— ❛ history has its eye on you. / re : season two. ❜

[blysse-and-blunder]

in lieu of a bachelorette party

10pm, sunday, aug 6, 2023

we're officially in the period of the summer that has been planned out since months and months ago, in the lead up to some dear friends' wedding; time is telescoping in a very odd way! after traveling the past two weeks, my re-entry was good but hard; i came back from my trip thinking i'd be all revitalized and looking around me with new eyes, which in a way i did, but then i was also pretty wiped. i didn't really want to spend all week hibernating, but i guess it was good to recharge my batteries since i also had five different party/gathering-type things (three this weekend, including the aforementioned bachelorette).

reading can't forget to mention finishing carmen maria machado's in the dreamhouse, which was gripping and devastating and still beautiful somehow. the experience of reading it was so...i couldn't stop once i got started, you know? short fragmented chapters, some funny, some incredibly sad. every once in a while there would be a detail or an allusion to something i could relate to, punctuating the intense surreality / unreality used to talk about the abuse with a sudden concrete reality that was. striking. loved the device of the footnotes, pointing out where certain things are matching up with folklore tropes? as a form of foreshadowing and ironic, devastating commentary? inspired. that's just one detail, but it's one i can sum up.

abrupt tonal shift and getting back to fantasy / adventure, a.k. larkwood's the unspoken name has been very engaging this week too. part one was...fresh but in a comforting sort of vein, with a young protag escaping a bad fate under the protection of a new mysterious mentor, who then helps her get an education, martial arts training, before he sends her out on a mission--reminded me of half a dozen beloved fantasy novels, with the addition of some fun details! for example, neither is actually described in much detail, but our main character and her mentor are clearly not Human; she has grey skin and tusks (my mind went right to a dnd-style orc?) and he has mobile, elongated ears, which seem to telegraph his emotions much like those in the goblin emperor and was an *immediate* delight to envision. just about a third of the way through this one now; it feels like a locked tomb book with a slightly different magic system, and i'm really enjoying it.

watching plane movies while returning home:

the battle of the sexes (2017) -- entertaining more because i didn't know the history and always enjoy the depiction of historical women's sports and sports teams; emma stone is great but has virtually no chemistry with either of her romantic counterparts, painfully straight energy overall. i was too entertained by watching steve carell and sarah silverman in their respective period hair and makeup . kudos to whoever was the tennis stunt doubles, it was legitimately fun to try and follow the games.

banshees of inisherin (2022) -- people who talk about the overdone stereotyped blarney-filled hollywood depiction of ireland in this one are missing the fact that it's an intentional (ironic?) depiction; see, the imprecision when it comes to year/time passing / calendars and whatnot. sort of waiting for godot-y in its heightened reality / absurdity. my lukewarm take is that it was definitely meant to be a play, and would have worked a lot better that way. not sure i'll watch it again, not sure i *got* it, but it will certainly live in my brain rent-free.

finished strange world (2022) as a palate cleanser-- i wanted to support it, the box office and overall reception to this was pretty disappointing but it's fine! like it's a cute kids' movie! you know, disney's first gay character, thinly veiled climate analogy lesson, absolutely gorgeous animation and colors, what's not to love.

the first three episodes of season 1 of the white lotus . hypnotizing like a train wreck, but i'll wait until i've seen more of it to give a real write-up.

listening you ever watch a viral video and then realize you're captivated by both the cute videos of people dancing and the soundtrack? (and recognizing the background scenery, and it turns out i was right!!) anyway i went and found these two tracks courtesy of just this experience, so thanks to youtuber thoraya i guess?

UPDATE: saw hadestown live today!!! the original broadway recording didn't prepare me for how much i would love it, how dynamic and captivating the live band and incredible ensemble would be-- and of course i was crying almost immediately, and was clutching my chest during 'wait for me' both times. but then again, the performance i saw didn't include this one instrumental track i love and had on my semester playlist all spring, so here:

playing finally got the cut-scene celebrating my community center completion in stardew, hell yeah. had two great dnd sessions; one campaign successfully defeated a monstrously-oversized jaguar and decided which faction we're going to attempt to win over first, while the other group went shopping and spent some downtime at base and gathering info on some individual plots! napoleon did exist in this world and was a gnome, and our organization assassinated him apparently??, also this just feels like a good time to mention that their resume also includes '1841 – Controlled controversy riots when “Dinosaurs” suggested as a creature alongside and separate from “Dragons” ', which sent us into absolute hysterics when the DM shared that.

making it's summer, so i crowdsourced a ratatouille recipe and could not have been happier with the outcome. saving it here for posterity!

working on i was very diligent with RA work this week, since it feels like i always neglect it over the summer for absolutely no reason, especially since it like. pays me. but i also have been using it as productive procrastination since i'm actively dragging my heels in sending the last few students their essay feedback and grade breakdowns from the summer course. it means confronting my judgments and math and possible mistakes from earlier in july, and trying to either defend or amend them as necessary, and i just have been. napping rather than actually do it. which is silly, and also stupid since i have actual work to be doing! just get this over with, and you can be free!

[kfruityouth]

alright ive had it. who the hell is the conductor

or: i go insane trying to analyse file 28.

also, fair warning: this will be all over the place and probably very stream-of-consciousness.

we all know that one chart, right? the one that has the conductor very much within the 'sydney should die' zone? okay. brilliant.

in order to debunk this, late night history channel program style, lets look at the scene we're given (this is, of course, banking off and assuming that the conductor is the weirdo guy in the field from the clock of meantime) and also, this took place, if im remembering the timeline correctly, after sydney had been resurrected.

pretty normal, right? WRONG!

the inability to make a fist was mentioned earlier in the episode by sydney.

the inability to make a fist is usually in relation to the inability to defend oneself, seen repeatedly with elijah (freaky psychic fatigue-inducing style), jedidiah (toxic yaoi codependency style) and adam (i cant make this one funny. i cant.).

something something, the rabbit not being able to fight back. something something, sydney hopes never to experience that but he does!

"fist-forming hands" and "railroad-uprooting eyes" seem to be juxtapositions—the conductor is defenceless, and offensive.

i have ideas for this one, but they dont really fit in here so ill leave it for now.

jedidiah is defenceless now, too.

(the next little part just kind of seems to me like a bit of, er, verse, so i wont go over it except for this little bit...

...whiiiiich kind of reminds me of how sydney can only eat buttered bread. i wonder if theres something there?)

anyway!

yeah.

god, c'mon. the cardinal is tapping at the clock face. trying to break the glass. trying to just know, because only if he could.

a one-track mind is something jedidiah very obviously possesses; we see it most prominently in his incessant devotion to his project, whatever the hell that might be.

he's not going to lose track.

i'd also like to address "strong man"??? i don't think it's just a physical descriptor, i think it's in reference to mental strength. jedidiah, though fearful and apprehensive, seems to admire this guy, and follows his, er, "advice". his "help." sound familiar? ( yall i cannot get into this crack theory i have that the conductor is to jedidiah what adam is to sydney)

also, "the sky finally shatters, and I slip through the cracks"? dude i cant even begin to go into this one. all im gonna say is rowan sky apocalypse. for the sake of my own sanity.

yada yada its overtaking his thoughts. whatever. you know what i mean.

(also sydneys weird clock pacemaker shtick theory. right here. evidence.)

yall dont understand how many unhinged theories i have about this one. im going to leave it here for now, because its important, and maybe come back to it in another post.

aaaaand then jedidiah goes on to talk about his father, of which the conductor reminds him of (see: "my father's strong hands")

more stars in the sky. only two that matter. GODDDDDDDDajkdhsjghf.

and of course, the famous. the one that gives me chills on every relisten. on every re-read:

something is driving jedidiah's mind (literally, driving, if we use that motherfucking train as a metaphor), driving his 'project'. the same project thats literally causing the majority of the events of season 1.

all of this leads me to believe one thing about the conductor: he's not the conductor of the train—he's the conductor of the plot.

[letitrainathousandflames]

goth counter culture was your thesis??? do tell. thats so metal my dude do tell please I need the facts and information.

(not me reading tags because Im curious)

*flails excitedly* aaaah yes I have a degree in Fashion Design and Goth subculture (with an emphasis on its fashion aspect, of course) was the focus of my thesis. I'll go on into the fashion aspect bc otherwise this post will be gigantic <3

Subcultures are SO cool because they resist to the pull of the mass culture. They are where aesthetic, fashion, ideology, art, politics and more meet and create entire movements that refuse to conform and be blended into what is deemed Normal and Acceptable.

Punk and Goth are two amazing examples of movements that go against what fast fashion and consumerism culture dictates.

Punk fashion looks cooler the more worn and frayed by use each piece is. Stains and holes in the fabric are irrelevant, poems and art is scribbled with markers on the jeans of pants and canvas of shoes, all those chains and spikes on belts and bracelets are bound to yank or rip at a seam here and there and no one cares.

Punk got that jacket at a second hand shop twelve years ago and has been covering it on patches and song lyrics and they will not bat an eye at some pre-ripped, pre-frayed, overpriced jacket because there are twenty of them that look exactly like it on the same rack and they all lack soul and history.

Any Forever 21's pre-made "punk" jacket with false pockets and perfectly symmetric frayed ends will never have what an old-school haphazardly patched and scribbled jacket where one's hands can sink past the wrists in its pockets have.

Similarly, Goth fashion is contrary to fast-paced consumerism culture in the sense that it rejects the concept of trends and of certain styles/colors/accessories/etc being "in" or "out".

That does not mean that Goths are cheap, though! A high-quality, sturdy corset can cost about $120, more if it's made to measure, and one will be happy to buy it because it's a staple piece that can be matched with most of a goth's wardrobe and will last decades if properly taken care of.

An interesting point about the complete disregard for Autumn/Winter or Spring/Summer and the whole "oh I can't wear this, it's so last season!" is the fact that most goth shops - many of which sell handmade fashion - sell the same pieces in and out of seasons.

If a classic, Wednesday Addam-esque black dress with white lacy collar and underskirt for volume works and is selling well, why ditch the design at the end of some arbitrarily created period of time? Why stop selling pieces that work and are good just because you theoretically can't sell sleeveless dresses during winter?

Another aspect is that, if everything you own is mostly black, you'll hardly have issues matching pieces together, and if you love a particular dress or jacket too dearly and they are in good state but their color has been washed into a pale grey, you can always have them re-dyed back into their original raven-like glory.

Needless to say, fast-fashion wear-it-and-discard-it-in-a-year people are... not very fond of such subcultures and their refusal to renovate their wardrobes every goddamn year.

In my course of studies, we go through two evaluating processes for our thesis: one at the writing, data-gathering, book-quoting phase; and another one at the debating, using what was studied as a base, creating your fashion collection phase.

I had to defend my thesis twice, and I would be failed a third time if my favorite teacher who really liked my work hadn't infiltrated the evaluating border while pretending not to know me and gave me a score high enough to pass to the next phase despite the other teachers' low score.

Because those teachers really really hated that I had picked a target audience that demanded quality over quantity and were mostly immune to the market's pressures as the focus of my study. They wanted me to do like 17 out of the 19 other students in my class and just do beachwear instead.

Y'know, because "this is Brazil, and why are you picking such a complicated topic like Goths and how they need breathable, lighter fabrics here because the U.S. and British brands usually makes clothes in warmer fabrics so buying clothes online isn't really a solution..."

(these are the same people who told the girl who wanted to make clothes for tattooed, female bodybuilders that her target audience didn't exist, and I had turn to her and loudly say that I knew a female bodybuilder, and she could easily get her in touch with others for her research. Oh. I think I just traced back to why those teachers might hate me. Oops lmao)

Anyway I passed to phase 2, had a blast working on my designs with my fav teacher as my guide, and even though I'm seeking out a career path more focused on art rather than fashion, I'm really proud of how it turned out.

That thesis was my baby and I think both passion and spite were my fuel to make it <3

[sshbpodcast]

Top Five Star Trek VOY Episodes

by Ames

We made it back to the Alpha Quadrant, y’all, and it was a pretty good trip! Overall, we’d say Star Trek: Voyager is a pretty decent contender for one of the best series in the franchise. Sure, we here at A Star to Steer Her By are probably still on Team DS9 for the most part, but our plucky friends lost in the Delta Quadrant are at least giving TOS and TNG a run for their money in terms of overall episode quality, character development, and consistency. Hell, TNG’s first season alone brings its average way down, so it might be a pretty close race!

Considering Voyager usually gets overlooked on a good day and unfairly criticized on a bad day, it’s a damn good show with a lot of stunning episodes that leave the audience invested, affected, and ready for more. And now that we’re out of episodes, we’ve assembled our favorites of the series for you to warp through below, and/or listen to on our finale episode of the podcast (series discussion at 1:29:20) which features even more picks from guest star Liz. Bon voyage, Voyager!

[images © CBS/Paramount]

“False Profits”: Chris We’d be remiss if we didn’t include some of the fluffy comedy shit Chris loves (I’m just as shocked as you are that it’s not Bride of Chaotica!), so here’s a very funny yet very Star Trek example that brings back the two Ferengi all the way from TNG’s “The Price.” It’s a pretty deep cut for a reference, but they certainly run with it in an ultimately satisfying way, complete with putting Ethan Phillips back in Ferengi makeup, as we saw in TNG’s “Ménage à Troi” and will see again in Enterprise’s “Acquisition.”

“Course: Oblivion”: Ames Just for the whiplash of it all, let’s pivot from a fun romp of an episode to a deeply depressing, tragic episode in “Course: Oblivion.” The inevitable demise of all the Silver Blood Duplicates is like watching a slow-motion car crash: you know what’s going to happen is going to be upsetting but you can’t tear your eyes away. And the nihilist cherry on top of this ice cream cone of sadness is that their message never even gets through! It’s so successful at being so bleak!

“Memorial”: Caitlin Let’s kick off a handful of noteworthy episodes that examine how we connect with and remember history, starting with a space genocide that plays out in the memories of anyone who happens along as both a memorial to its people and a not-so-subtle disparagement of Holocaust deniers. The post-traumatic stress disorder that the crew displays is also expertly done, making their reactions to atrocity something personal and all the more intriguing, like “The Inner Light” on a whole ship’s scale.

“Remember”: Caitlin Before getting saddled with Paris, B’Elanna Torres had some really good character work early on, and her living out the moments in the life of an Enaran woman in her dreams gives Roxann Dawson quite a lot to play with. We also did a lot of comparing this episode to the classic “The Inner Light,” and for good reason! Dawson really shines in this role, and we also get a spellbinding portrayal of the really troubling Enaran culture and their genocide of the Regressives.

“Blink of an Eye”: Jake One of the cleverest episodes of Voyager comes in this fast-paced planet that develops quicker than you can ascertain, and thus allows for us to view the full evolution of a culture’s advancements in perfect little vignettes. And it all culminates with a hopeful and touching moment with one of Jake’s favorite characters, Gotana-Retz, finally connecting with the ship that has shaped his planet’s history and saving their asses.

“Distant Origin”: Ames Here’s another episode that’s almost too clever for its own good. The Galileo allegory is so strong and fascinating that we entirely accept that some sapient dinosaurs left earth at some point, which should be so silly as to utterly distract from the episode, but Forra Gegen is just so earnest and his plight to open the eyes of his people to their forgotten history so reasonable that we just go with it! Plus Chakotay is probably the most in character he ever gets to be all series long and it’s great to watch!

“Death Wish”: Chris While Q is at his best when paired with Jean-Luc, and his other appearances in Voyager may stretch credulity a little bit, this episode shows us a side of the Continuum that is refreshing and new. Quinn’s depiction of life as a Q as a prison is rather fascinating, and he expertly plays a compassionate character whom you root for even though you feel conflicted by it because his winning the trial will result in his death. But that’s the kind of moral conflict that Star Trek plays so well!

“Nothing Human”: Caitlin Speaking of moral conflicts, we’ve got another ethical debate on our hands in this allegory to Nazi medical experiments. While everyone here on the podcast was firmly in the camp that it is okay to use medical knowledge obtained through deplorable means, it’s still a fascinating reminder to see the full context of what it means to use data from someone like the Cardassian Josef Mengele. The science fiction lens of this real-world allegory is just what Star Trek is for.

“Relativity”: Ames I have such a soft spot for this episode. I’m a sucker for a really interesting use of time travel in storytelling, and the way this episode is structured: chef’s kiss. The twist that it was a crazed future Braxton the whole time. Yes. The weirdly sexy dynamic between Seven and Ducane. I’m there for it. And the best thing of all is seeing Jeri Ryan in a Starfleet uniform, looking fly as hell! Her character journey is now complete because someone finally dressed her well.

“Eye of the Needle”: Jake Another very soft spot of ours is in this season-one episode featuring another of Jake’s favorite Voyager characters. This is the first time (of many) that the Voyager comes this close to finding a way back home to the Alpha Quadrant only to have those hopes dashed to bits by circumstance. It’s so Voyager-specific a story that it’s actually quite perfect. So many episodes could be TNG in Voyager clothes, but it’s episodes like this one that really gave a particular voice to the show.

“Homestead”: Caitlin The literal journey the Voyager characters go on is a big part of the whole series (even when they dipsy doodle around on sidequests so often), and the most complete and meaningful character journey is Neelix’s. Throughout the show, we’ve seen him grow as he got further and further from his homeworld, became an important fixture on the ship, and developed friendships with the other characters (like Tuvok, as you’ll see in a moment). So the closure his character gets in “Homestead” is too perfect for words.

“Riddles”: Caitlin, Chris The Neelix-Tuvok relationship is on full display here. Where normally they’re paired together for the comedy of an odd-couple dynamic, this episode really shows the love these two have for each other. And Tim Russ acts his butt off as a Tuvok who is struggling to recuperate from a serious injury, trying to find himself again, and being supported by his best friend. It’s so good that it didn’t even make Caitlin’s tops list of that season, but has reemerged in the finals!

“Jetrel”: Chris, Jake One more Neelix episode to round out his character, and this is one of the early ones. We’ve already talked about some good allegories on this list for Galileo and Mengele, and appropriately for this moment, we’ve got another great scifi lens to view Robert Oppenheimer (almost said Barbie, but alas). Jetrel is a fascinating character just like Oppie, but Neelix really steals the show with the remorse he feels for draft dodging and then surviving an atrocity that would have killed him. Damn, those are some deep layers for a usually fun character.

“Year of Hell”: Ames, Jake This may be one of the best two-parters in Star Trek, as it never lost momentum and its conclusion was that jaw-dropping kind of satisfying that marks really good writing. Watching the ship and crew getting more and more wounded over the course of the two-parter was excellent to see, and the character Annorax is one of our favorite Voyager villains. And for good reason! Kirkwood Smith infuses that character with such humanity and resolve you almost root for him. Almost.

“Living Witness”: Ames, Chris, Jake Finally, the episode with the most votes from your SSHB hosts is yet another original way of looking at how people represent history, and how so much of it is told through the biased lens of whoever’s in charge. But the best thing about “Living Witness” is how much the actors get to really ham it up by portraying evil versions of their usual characters. It’s like doing a mirror universe episode, but more thought provoking, less contrived, and less doofy.

—

See also: our Bottom Five Star Trek VOY Episodes list. And why not: here’re all the seasonal tops and bottoms from seasons 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, and 7!

Welcome back to Earth! We hope you had as great a time following along with Janeway and crew throughout the series, but we’ve got more Star Trek on the way! Next on the docket is the one you’ve no doubt been waiting for, so make sure you’re following along here as we finally fill out the classic Trek roster with Star Trek: Enterprise in our watchthrough on SoundCloud or wherever you get your podcasts. You can also hail us on Facebook and Twitter, and give one final toast: To the Journey!

[nothingneverforever]

A little bit of everything :)

For the longest time, I have wanted to write about The Split (Seasons 1-3, 2018-2022). And too for a long time, I have neglected almost all of the creative, literarily effortful sides of myself. I met with my literature teacher from my 2 years in India recently when he visited Singapore and was so moved to realise that for a while, I was known intimately by those around by as someone who wrote about the films I liked and didn't like and this was a part of my identity that 10 years on even a teacher can recall. And yet so disappointed to reflect on how I have left those selves behind. But today I sit at my personal laptop again possibly for the first time in a year with Lotus Inn by Why Don't We playing on loop, as it has been for the last two weeks straight. There is a psychosis to my music consumption where I almost never want to listen to anything but when I do, it can be something so painfully me that I had to get it tattooed on my back (#dawnmistglowing <3) or something that like tonight's, its band name alone tells you enough about the sheer lack of caliber. But it is simply perfection for the needs of the night and again I feel like the bestwalkhome Maya :)

Okay but a false start first before I try my absolute best to reconnect with the deep thinking, witty commenting, cute side of me...:

Had forgotten when my last post here was so I went to take a look and found Stuff I’ve just watched and almost completely did not enjoy (typically epic title sis!!!) from June 2023. It is so beautifully prophetic that this should have been my last paragraph:

... when the last two movies I have only just two hours ago finished watching by myself on Netflix were Horrible Bosses and Horrible Bosses 2. Hahahahahhaha.... fucking disgusting btw. Me i mean... for watching that shet and sitting through it for 4 hours wtf :'( am I that lonely?????

Okay but a lovely segue has found itself in: Want to hear of a show with indeed no freaking stupid idiot sex references or scene? But instead with the best sexual affair ever!?!?!!?

Tfw when you take part in the female-written female-led family law drama with equal parts shock and grief and sheer joy and confusion and ambiguous morality and beautifully affecting pain competition but your opponent is the split... Mic drop.... nuff said...

I had thought about so many angles I had wanted to take in putting my feelings on this show down. Perhaps the most obvious one would be to highlight the queen that is Nicola Walker and talk about how her presence made the show. Nicola Walker... whose eyes tell about five to seven stories on average with the slightest glance and re-focusing of her gaze, and whose unequalled skills graced River (2015), Unforgotten (Series 1-4, 2018-2021), creating the trifecta of some of the most intense, resonant, pure raw emotion-led dramas in British television history. Hyperbole aside, in complete honesty, that gaze of hers and the genuine empathy that oozes slowly, comfortingly, and so intelligently from her eyes is something that is too tooooooo inspiring for me at work omfg! I love you so much Nicola!!!

I had first watched season 1 years ago with my mother, and we had both loved it and cried along with it but it was the recent re-watching with Imran earlier this year (and my first watch of seasons 2 and 3) that made me think a lot harder.

Season 1 ended with Hannah (Nicola Walker) deciding, after bearing the weight of her husband's humiliating infidelity for the earlier episodes, to give in to her deepest suppressed feelings of attraction to her current colleague and ex-bestie and to sleep with him. And before he leaves London for a job in Chicago due to his misconceived perception that his attraction to Hannah wasn't returned, Hannah tells him simply, joyfully, the morning her estranged father died, to stay. Aiya shit I wanted to find the exact line she used and just paused to do a Google for 15 minutes to find either a stream online to find the episode or a website with the full scripts but no luck for both. She said something damn nice la it wasn't "stay", I remember in my first watch with my mother I thought it was but then I realised when re-watching that it was something else... Imran do you remember?!?! omg. Need to know now but ANYWAY it was a short phrase that shook the world because this was an upright and principled woman and mother and wife making a very clear conscious decision to have an affair. And most terrifying for the viewer (me... maybe other ppl dont care lol) was that we really, really wanted the affair for her.

This reminds me of the discussion Imran Jade and I just had last night about Trying (2020-2024) and how in a straight relationship, when a woman is unfaithful, it just hits different from when a man is. IT'S JUST FACTS OKAY?!!?!?

But still, that obvious life fact aside, I mean we were reaaally rooting for Hannah, and not just because her husband had been unfaithful prior. The affair (in season 1... ain't gonna talk about season 2 when she lost her mind hehe and was kissing in her office with the door open wtf ew!) was something fulfilling, cathartic, meaningful and natural. And it takes a lot for me to say this iykyk!!!

So anyway, that was the initial angle I was considering - more of an analysis of the actor's genius to make an otherwise controversial subplot something that heals us. But then a while later, I watched this on Netflix this year:

Honestly wouldn't have clicked on it but Aki wanted to watch it with my mother and I needed an excuse to do some cardio so skipping while watching the first episode it was. And immediately I knew there was something else beneath the surface of the deadbeat abusive father... something quieter and more sensitively done than I'd expected from the promotional content (e.g. the above picture). And when the credits rolled, I was able to put my finger on it:

Abi Morgan, who wrote/created not only The Split and Eric, but also River... You know the storytelling ability is certifiably legendary when an almost-any-and-every-female-written-show-loving-cinephile like me enjoyed in uniquely different ways all three shows independently before realising they were from the same brain.

So after this realisation, I thought hmm... what stands out about The Split goes beyond Nicola Walker's brilliance but is really about what a story is, can be, how it can challenge, frustrate, and bring so much self-awareness to the viewer. And I have to love Abi Morgan so so so much for this.

Oh but one last thing about Nicola Walker if I may: Unforgotten genuinely turned the British crime/police thriller genre on its head, even more so than Broadchurch (2013-2017) which had a similar thread of humanness running through it, and the distinguishing factor between these two is indeed Nicola Walker's skills. And when she is up against Olivia Coleman in the similar lead role in Broadchurch... that's how you know she is Her <3

Uhh... I think I am done hehe. Did I in fact say anything at all about the show? Perhaps not at all. Some final smatterings:

Tamil pride whoooo (one of the sister's husbands, James, in The Split is seemingly Tamil and the actor's family name is Dharmalingam and his wiki says he's of Sri Lankan heritage so imma just assume he's Jaffna Tamil ba

Well-done subplot of how being a wonderful, perhaps even the best father =/= being a good partner and husband

Should I study to be a lawyer some day???? And slay it like a boss?!

Okay since this post was all sound and fury signifying literally nothing, let me show that there is still some of the 2015 film-analysist self in me (bruh just pause and think about how fucking epic my The Amazing Spider Man 2 x Ralph Ellison's Invisible Man post was... wtaf!!!), I need to show off about two parallels I observed in Inside Out 2 (2024) that I finally saw in cinemas today:

Wasn't the cinematic representation of the 'beliefs' a lot like Wreck-it-Ralph 2's insecurities virus manifestation?

And also a few very Soul (2020)-esque scenes and specific moments and moods right? Yall got notice? No right just me cos I'm so smart?!!?!?

Keke

Night all... Some day I shall be so so so serious and real again. It is always in there, it is. I know it is <3

Pls listen best song ever:

[rassilon-imprimatur]

Long rambling post but. I haven’t rewatched The Trial of a Time Lord as a whole in years, and I dunno, it’s hard to separate from all the behind the scenes crap and my eyes kind’ve glaze over once we get into the Pip and Jane Extravaganza, but... 

The Gallifreyan space station, the music, a sense of weight and gravitas to the power of Gallifrey that haunts and remains (even if the actual set and courtroom scenes are less striking). The Time Lords as the ever-faithful watchers of the Doctor’s adventures through the Matrix, the constant focus on the Inquisitor as the only woman amongst the dusty, sleepy, impassive Lords. “A Merry Christmas to all of you at home” now wrought actual lore, the Doctor’s life accessible to Gallifreyan TV. 

The Mysterious Planet as the show’s “Past,” what the show used to be. Holmes, of course, The Krotons pulled through Full Circle, State of Decay, but that lingering chill of Bidmeadism is more melancholy. Wetter, colder. The forest, the costumes, look of the Tribe of the Free, it’s all more hauntingly fantasy than ever before, overtop the plastic tunnels and trundling BBC props. But it’s the Past as an untouchable “gone before its time, gone too soon, hold onto it or its gone,” the Doctor and Peri at their most ideal snapshot. From Holmes’ previous take on the Fourth Doctor as a mid-life crisis bohemian loom to this, the Doctor in the prime of his life, not a single bite of venom or a bad bone, wearing his hearts on his sleeve, joyful and smart and pompous because of his love of life and experience. Peri gets compared to Sarah Jane, and it’s hard to deny the ache of “this is so familiar” to she and he’s friendship, banter, love and worry for each other’s safety. The Holmes comedy act of Glitz and Dibber, the continued ideas of human persistence, of revolution for the right causes, of the universe’s worst oppressors being comical robots. HG Wells’ Morlocks and Eloi. The Earth’s history broken and interrupted, Ravolox a glaring shift in the universal continuity the show was so beholden by not a season ago (look at Attack!). Something is deeply wrong, frothing under the sad smile of this serial, and that terrifyingly vast station representing Gallifrey’s power feels too connected. 

Mindwarp as “Present,” what the show currently is. Saward and Martin just going full out. More The Twin Dilemma, more Varos, more The Two Doctors, more the Re-Animator gristle and body horror from Revelation of the Daleks. Lynch’s Giedi Prime under the toxic pink sky, the ever-returning caverns and caves sticky under the strobes. It’s hard to deny the sense of perversion through the absurdist humor and world-building, the slime and cruelty soaked in quiet snickers of sex, rape, bodily agency prodded and pulled apart by capitalist slugs. The Doctor’s brain broken, retooled and reduced to his Twin Dilemma and s22 sneer and snide, parodic now only for the point. “This Is The Doctor, This Is What We Have Made Of The Show, Awful Isn’t It?” said almost gleefully. It’s the final bite of everything from Earthshock to Warriors of the Deep to Caves of Androzani and Martin’s own Varos, even as it collapses under its own nasty weight. Peri’s trauma and treatment, finding comfort in something like fucking Brian Blessed because it’s the only thing not trying to hurt her. The final scene, swirling in the Time Lords’ temporal bubble, is legitimately horrifying. Crozier’s distanced and clinical nature going full Davros maniac, ranting and raving of how he would spread this bloated poison to the rest of the universe. Peri’s corpse shouting with demonic relish as Kiv goes from a sinister joke to a full on monstrosity. The universe ravaged and left behind by Logopolis has fully dived into a capitalist nightmare of ooze and neon, and in that horrible swirl of screams, it’s finally all put down, shot, and blown away. Nicola Bryant was right, that should’ve stayed as Peri’s fate. “You killed Peri” the Doctor mournfully says to the Time Lords, the viewers of “the show” that intervened (the very thing they accuse and try him for) for an ending they found better. 

Terror of the Vervoids as an ideal “classic, good old-fashioned” Future, what the show will be or should be. Mel is genuinely an incredible idea for a companion introduction, making her mark after years of unseen adventures. She and the Doctor’s first scene with the exercise back is insanely “Children’s TV Hosts,” moreso than the show ever came close to touching again. A visual backtrack into Graham Williams’ space travel and spaceships, Nightmare of Eden and Horns of Nimon, turning out into The Golden Girls’ breakfast trellis and a lasertag course. And it’s honestly a slog. I get it, not yucking anyone’s yum, but it’s just... too safe, too much retooled and remade, too unambitious, creaking under the colors and tone. Saward’s absurdism presented without darkness, without nasty jokes, and what Pip and Jane set rolling here is what snowballs into the Teletubby feverdream of Time and the Rani. The Doctor is a harmless friend and hero, Mel is a cartoon more than a person. Not for me, but so integral to the narrative decay. The future is just as much of a mess as the present. 

The Ultimate Foe. Holmes’ The Deadly Assassin remake clashing with Saward and JNT’s drama, wrapped in Pip and Jane Pip-n-Janing like their lives depended on it. Some of the most striking surrealism the show had done since the Mara duo and the Black Guardian trilogy, all of it haunted and scary in the shadowed Victorian streets, fighting for life against the courtroom tedium and stroke-serious nonsense everyone announces at each other. The Doctor abandoned the role of the President in the show’s 20th anniversary celebration, and in that void grew a genocidal conspiracy, the Time Lords flexing their cruelty. The Doctor once, on trial, pleaded with them, mentioning the Cybermen and Daleks. Now, on trial, he declares them worse. Holmes’ original ending of the Doctor and Valeyard locked in combat, falling together through the disintegrated Matrix, a cliffhanger vs the finished episode of the Doctor and Mel safely and comfortably leaving to Vervoids’ promised, dull future. Safe, cozy. The Valeyard now so buried in the silly and absurd his threatening laugh just adds to it. 

(Each day that passes, BF Gallifrey making the Inquisitor the most awful goddamn person in this entire franchise becomes more and more absolutely hilarious.) 

[redorich]

Now that Wels knows they're alone, what's next?

Ghostbur's room hasn't been prepared at all, since Wels spent so much longer than anticipated searching for his friends. (Ghostbur politely pretends not to see the distraught tears that Wels would like to believe are rainwater.) Neither of them particularly want to sleep, and the coffee Ghostbur made hours ago is easily re-heated, so they sit on the couch after Wels dries off and stay up late talking.

Ghostbur tells Wels about his love for music and wordsmithing, his dislike of anteaters, stories of the happy times in L’Manberg that don't belong to him, because they all happened before he died-- not that Wels knows that part. In return, Wels speaks at length of his own love for music and wordsmithing, as well as his passion for building and stories of the earlier seasons he shared with the hermits. As minutes draw into hours, they know nothing of each other's deep history yet still feel like they've known each other all their lives.

When dawn peeks over the horizon, the coffee loses its grip on the two and they fade away just like the night, falling asleep on opposite ends of the same couch. Wels wakes first with a slight start, still half-convinced that the whole day was just a dream and this time he'll wake up to a populous server once more. He looks down at Ghostbur, whose head has fallen onto Wels's shoulder at some point in the night, and decides that at the very least he's met a silver lining.

Ghostbur's eyes flutter open much later to the conspicuous lack of train noises. He remembers talking to his new friend all through the night, but not falling asleep. He's laid out across the couch with a blanket just a few inches too short draped across his body. Wels is nowhere to be seen, but he can be heard in the kitchen.

Ghostbur wanders into the kitchen aimlessly and finds that Wels has laid out two plates of cutely arranged bits of fruit-- likely the canned fruit Ghostbur saw yesterday in the pantry, since it's one of the few things that didn't spoil.

“Morning,” Wels says.

Ghostbur mumbles out something that sounds vaguely like a greeting and sits down at the tiny kitchen table, trying his hardest not to fall asleep face-down in his fruit.

“I was thinking of searching for the other hermits again today,” Wels says with an air of discontent, “and I thought you might like to come with me? I can show you around the server.”

This perks Ghostbur up. “There's more than what I saw?”

Wels laughs. “My friend, you have no idea.”

[theroomofreq]

can you give me muggle jily recs pleaaseeee <3 :D

HOW MANY HIGH-QUALITY MUGGLE JILY FICS ARE THERE?? TOO MANY TO COUNT. *cracks knuckles* BUT I am here for the challenge. Jily AUs are my JAM.

Again, shoutout to our amazing @jilyarchive friends who tag every wonderful muggle jily au they come across. here is the link that will take you to their tags page. You'll find links to specific tropes and AUs :')

I've searched through my own AO3 bookmarks and history tabs, and I present to you 28 jily muggle fics that I LOVE. I am THRILLED thinking about all the good things in store for those that read these wonderful stories. This list took me ages to make because I went through and reread most of these brilliant fics. Happy reading !! xx

properly improper by @lizardcookie

“Marry me,” Mr. Potter repeats, closing the distance between them by striding back up towards the sofa, only to stop and crouch to one knee right there at her feet, looking up at her. Burning. “Pick me,” he elaborates. “Pick me, choose me, love me instead.”

- this fic is the reason why I comment the way that I do (spoiler it's because it's amazing)

The Wedding Ring by @mppmaraudergirl

What is undeniably worse than attending your sister's wedding looking as desolate and forgotten as a wilted houseplant? Drunkenly ringing your ex-boyfriend and asking him to be your date.

- SOBS UNCONTROLLABLY AT THE PERFECTION

Oh my god, they were ROOMMATES by @magic-girl-in-a-muggle-world

Silly one-shot, Muggle AU with Fem!Jily as pining roommates and Marlene as their matchmaker.

- the fic that brought me back to jily and inspired my deep obsession of fem!jily

Swipe Right, Swing Left by @downn-in-flames

The unspoken rule of using dating apps in D.C. is that you always start with where you work.

James Potter, it seems, never picked up on that one.

- giddy just thinking about this gem

'Tis the Damn Season by @petalstofish

It doesn't feel like Christmas for Lily Evans, not after losing her parents to COVID before the Holiday season. She anticipates spending Christmas all alone until a boy from her past shows up and offers her a mutually benefiting deal that has her calling him 'babe' just for the weekend. 'Tis the damn season, after all.

- cries in respect for lyrical writing

Watch Me Unwind by @maraudersftw

Lily Evans hates her job, hates the bigoted customers she has to serve as a bartender at the richest club in the city. But the one person who makes bearing all of it worth it has someone else in his arms tonight. (Rated: M)

- obsessed with the way the plot jumps around the time line in this

oil be there for you by @abby10fanfic

Texting/Social Media AU: Lily and James haven't spoken for 2 years. But that's all about to change thanks to Peter and his involvement in an essential oil pyramid scheme. Featuring boss babes, toxin-free lifestyles, binding contracts, and a very oily journey.

- YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE HOW FAB THIS IS

a matchmaking mission by @downn-in-flames

James Potter has a mission: get Sirius Black and Remus Lupin to finally admit that they both fancy the pants off each other by Valentine's Day.

His partner in crime? Lily Evans, Remus' flatmate, who he also happens to be slightly in love with

- DOUBLE the amount of pining idiots in love :")

about time by @jilyss

'sure, yeah, I can accompany you to that black tie event for your work tonight. wait. why are we on a red carpet?'

- this is my emotional comfort fic, your honor

whiskey business by @elanev91

Sirius Black has a (bad?) habit of picking up hobbies that take over his and James' flat -- this most recent one? Homemade vodka that James now has to try and peddle to everyone in the building.

- hysterical! must read!

Fashion Disaster by @maraudersftw

James Potter is roped into an awful dare by his best-mate, which involves him wearing atrocious pieces of clothing for all days until Christmas as dictated by Sirius. If this wasn't terrible enough, he now has to contend with his maddening crush on the beautiful saleswoman at the clothing store.

- classic hijinks that I live for

it wasn't a pity invite by @elanev91

Part of the December "Winter Tropes" Jily challenge. Prompt: my family invites you to join our holiday meal as an obvious setup and omG i’m so sorry

- awkward Christmas date that owns my heart

spice and honey by @clare-with-no-i

tagging along with her food reporter sister to profile James Potter, London's hottest young chef, is not how Lily Evans pictured her Monday going - especially if he's anything like Petunia’s described.

needless to say, she's in for a whirlwind at Chez Maraudeur.

- I'm one re-read away from printing this out and putting it on my bookshelf.

Waffle Wars by @elanev91

There's only one waffle maker in the dining hall and it literally always breaks. So, naturally, the only reasonable course of action is to meticulously map out when it's working and, ultimately, do a heist.

- the witty narration in this fic can not be matched

You Can Hear It In The Silence by @alrightginger

Lily is non-verbal and deaf in a world where the things your soulmate says about you end up written on your skin. She has known about her soulmate since she was seven, but knows they don't have a clue she exists and possibly never will.

- exquisite, cue me sobbing forever

out the window by @displayheartcode

A new family moves to Ottery St Catchpole.

- everything I could ever want in a fic, forever in my mind rent free

The Christmas Guest by @thegodmachine

An Evans Family Christmas: Petunia is bringing her fiancé and Lily is bringing her…Friend…

- petunia pov that gives me WINGS

Football, Calculus, and Cappuccinos by @moonawrites

At eighteen years old, James Potter has a lot going on. He's a rising star navigating the politics of professional football, the pitfalls of sudden fame, the fallout from choosing his dream over his father's company... and a serious crush on the red headed new barista at his favourite coffee shop.

- I'm still working my way through this fic, but trust me when I say its a GEM

if u like pina coladas by @zephyrcove

Lily is desperate for a date to Petunia's wedding, James has been pining, and their friends meddle ;)

- explain to me how characters can be so perfect via texting fics?

Shelf Awareness by @ghostofbambifanfiction

It's too far out of her way and she's wasting so much money, but Lily can't help but return to the bookstore every weekend, where her passion for good literature has, perhaps, been unexpectedly reignited by the messy-haired, pun-making, rather handsome bloke who works there.

- you absolutely must know that I binge read this and then immediately REREAD it

How to win a witch in 10 days by @adenei

“She’s going to find some unsuspecting wizard, get him to fall for her, and then do all the things that turn men away to get him to break things off! Won’t it be the best way to see what witches do that drives men crazy?” But what happens when the man in question is a blast from Lily Evans's past? A Jily Magical AU based on the romantic comedy "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days."

- fic based off of a rom com? YES PLZ :’)

The Fight Before Christmas by @ghostofbambifanfiction

The heartwarming Christmas tale of Lily Evans and James Potter - two plucky kids who hated one other, until the day they really, really didn't.

- complete sucker for this one

All This Time by @thejilyship

James and Lily grew up next door to one another. Their bedroom windows giving them glimpses into the others life, and also offering prime opportunities to argue with each other over every little thing. They never figured out how to be friends when they were kids, but now that they've graduated from college and are home for the summer, they have a second chance to get things right.

- one of my favvvv tropes

Let Me Love You by @thejilyship

With only a month until she's set to take the throne of Gryffindor, Lily is informed that she'll have to get married or choose to give up her throne. She never thought she'd have to even entertain the idea of an arranged marriage. Enter, James Potter.

- cries in princess diares AU

The Fabulous Baker Brothers by @frustratedpoetwrites

Lily walks a different route home from work and stumbles upon a cute little Bakery with an even cuter baker in the window.

- yes yes yes to embarrassed pining.

Marigold Mornings by @mppmaraudergirl

This is a fun game she thinks, as she removes her hand from his side and reaches up to run it down his chest.  He catches her hand in his own, takes a step forward so that her nose nearly brushes against his shirt. She can feel the heat radiating off of him—or maybe it’s from her. He licks his lips and her eyes are drawn to the motion.  She knows it is a bad idea, absolutely knows it.

- incredible storytelling featuring dynamic characters :') a favvv

Welcome to Pettyville by@women-inthe-sequel @alrightginger

When Lily Evans accidentally sends a text to the wrong number, she isn’t expecting to find the right person behind it. She can’t stop talking to Prongs. The only thing is, Prongs can’t stop talking about the girl in his class. What could go wrong, other than the number?

- LOVE SQUARE ANYONE

The Kiss a Stranger Project by @alrightginger

“What’s your name, then?” she asks, realizing they haven’t even properly introduced themselves yet. She nervously crosses her arms.

You shouldn’t kiss a guy without knowing his name first.

Right?

- THIS ONE WILL LIVE IN MY MIND FOREVER

[sunnygrey99]

The Silent Witch In the Woods Pt. 4

A/N: This chapter has been rewritten and future chapters will shortly be updated and marked with an author’s note stating as such. Thank you for your support!

~Trigger Warning: None~

(Not gonna lie I'm going to be rewriting some history in this as well. basically, Negan still happened but was taken prisoner before Glenn and Abraham were killed. This is also before the Whispers I wasn't sure how I was going to go about timeline stuff until now so sorry about that. so early season 7.)

It’s been less than a week and you are not adjusting well. Not a single soul here knows how to talk to you since you are mute. You carry around a marker board with you all day just in case anyone has to speak to you. Tucking the small board and its green marker in your apron pocket, you make your way to the community garden. When you head out of the house to do anything of use people will just stare at you, and today is no different. Daryl definitely keeps up on Rick’s word of being stuck by your side. His presence is calming for the most part, but he also doesn’t make things better by how silent he is. It had been a comfort when it was just the two of you in your hut. Silence never bothered you so much until coming here. It’s easy on your own. No one else to worry about or avoid, but here you feel constantly on edge and tense. The pressure just seems to be building in your chest as the days drag on.

Today the heat must be getting to you because after 2 hours of gardening and feeling the growing burn of Daryl staring at the back of your head you whip around hands furiously flying even though you know he won’t understand a single thing you say. You slow a bit though when you realize how intently Daryl is watching your hands move.

I don’t understand why you people fucking stare at me so much. I’m not a monster or some circus freak traveling around for entertainment. I’m not deaf or blind. I’m mute. No matter the case you all could have the decency to even just talk to me. Even look at me when you talk about me.

He still doesn’t understand what you are saying but he is trying and you can tell. “Sorry, I don’ know what you said. Was all too fast.” He mumbles with his cheeks tinged pink either from the sun or embarrassment.

Your brow crinkles before you slowly start to re-sign what you said before. There were more careful movements of your delicate hands as you sign the exact words with fingerspelling the harder words for most people to learn. It is a lot to throw out there but now you are less angry and more curious. His eyes follow every move your hands make before a small smile tugs at his lips. It is quiet for a moment as he processes the signs.

“I don’t know exactly what you said but I’m sorry people ain’t talkin’ to ya. We’re all a bit jumpy with new people. Ain’t too trustin’ no more.” He lowers his head in apology.

You look at him with utter shock and surprise before signing again. You know some sign now?

He nods as that faint pink turns a deeper red, “Found a book in the library ‘ere and thought I should learn some after meetin’ you.”

You bridge the distance between the two of you and hug Daryl tightly. His surprise is evident as he tenses and doesn’t hug back at first. Looping his arms around your waist both of you feel the electric hum that courses through you. Its intensity is enough to make your fingers and toes numb. He waits for you to let go first not realizing till that moment how touch starved he has been. Even with the fuzziness, it makes it extremely difficult to pull away from your touch as it leaves him with a sense of comfort. Pulling back you have the biggest smile plastered on your face. Thank you.

“Ain’t no need to thank me. Everyone should be able to talk to each other.” He slips his hands in his pocket as he steps back, and regrets not holding on for longer. After a beat of silence, you see the wheels turning in his head as he works up the courage to ask, “I was wonderin’ if you wouldn’t mind teachin’ me some more though. That book only goes so far.”

You nod enthusiastically at what he asked before letting the silence take back over and the two of you go through the rest of your day. It consists of you and Daryl planting some more sparing herbs in the garden as you test some of his limits on sign. That night as you are heading to your room you walk past Daryl’s. You almost don’t stop but you catch a glimpse of him sitting there with his book on ASL. It makes you freeze and stare as he slowly forms out some simple words in ASL. You smile, after a few moments of taking in every detail of his concentrated form you knock on his door frame. His eyes snap up to you through his shaggy hair and he quickly closes the book.

Want to learn some real sign? You smirk as you gesture to his book. He only nods and slides his book off to the side. You walk in sitting on the opposite side of his bed and start to teach him the basics that you’d learned he didn’t know yet. Your days go by mostly like that for the next two weeks. That connection you felt back in the hut was at its full strength again and only growing further. Every time you see him in the kitchen in the morning it sends that same electric shock down your spine. It was like the universe was trying to tell you something about him. During the nights when you help him learn more sign it only solidifies that you see him as much more than just a friend anymore. He gets frustrated at getting things wrong but is trying his hardest, and you only smile at his fumbles then reassure him it is okay. He is learning much faster than most would, but it helps that he started only talking to you with signs accompanying his voice.

Even with Daryl’s kindness, it seems to change no one’s minds in town as they all still just stare at you. They only talk to Daryl if they need him. It is nearing the end of week three when you really lose hope that they will ever open up and let you in. Maggie, one of Daryl’s friends, comes up to both of you asking if Daryl and you can work on repairing the vine fence in the garden today, but she never even looks at you. That’s when you lose it. The temper that you have been holding back since the beginning finally crumbling and letting steam roll from your ears.

You start to sign furiously but you know she won’t understand. It makes you all the angrier as she stares with an annoyed expression written across her face. Huffing you pull your rune paste out before writing on your hand a spell you’d never tested, but are willing to risk it now and place your hand against your own throat. A sharp rasp comes from your throat as you step towards the woman. Her expression falls to shock as you finally speak, “I’m sick of you all acting like I’m some sort of outsider or treating me like I don’t exist. I’m right here. Talk to me. Don’t just talk about me!” Your voice came out raspy and painful. You are sure the spell is going to have a negative effect soon enough. You can feel it already starting to get to be more painful than it’s worth. Luckily no one else is around to hear and see your outburst. Even with the pain it doesn’t out weight the anger that persists as Maggie looks at you. “If you don’t have anything else to say you better just fuck right back off and go about your day.”

Maggie doesn’t seem angry, just unsure of what just happened, and when you look back to Daryl you start to regret your actions. He looks upset but more so just confused. You take your hand off your throat at this point and wipe the spell from your hand and neck. What? I’m tired of it. Your hands seem to have a mind of their own as you try to brush Daryl’s reaction off.

“No, it’s just…You talked…could ya do that this whole time?” He sounds like he’s just been betrayed. His hands moved slowly along with his words too. It was enough to fully resign you from your anger to heartbreak.

No, I can’t talk. It’s the runes. Always comes at a cost. As you sign that to Daryl you feel a strange tingle in your throat causing you to cough. You keep coughing for an uncomfortable amount of time and they both look at you worried. The fit has you grasping for the rails on the porch to steady yourself. You pull your hand back and see it covered in blood. It’s only a few more seconds before your legs start to give out and the railing is no longer enough to support you. Your vision starts to blur with black and white around its edges, leaving your head feeling like TV static. Daryl catches you immediately, taking you inside to the couch and checking you over.

It is still bright out when your eyes finally flutter open. It was the people you can hear talking in the other room that woke you from a groggy rest. “You can’t be serious. There’s no way that kinda shit is real.”

“Rick this ain’t the first time I seen 'er do somethin like that.” Daryl drawls out aggressively.

“I don’t know Rick if what Daryl and I saw was real she could be a lot more of a help than we thought. Maybe she can make some sense of the walkers and make a cure.” A woman’s voice sang out, probably Maggie’s. It is sweet-sounding with a thick country accent.

You hear a sigh come from Rick. “Look I ain’t gonna put all my eggs in that one basket, but if it’s true you’ve gotta talk to some of the people here and get them to warm up to her. They are scared of her right now. She is new and she doesn’t look normal either. Those tattoos all over her make people think she is some kind of satanic devil worshipper. And those scars don’t help either. Looks like someone branded her like cattle.” Your hand comes up to your face remembering how you’ve been covered in tattoos as a tribute to your craft and how they help protect you from your own magick. The scars being a result of the horrible acts your father had done. You know you have to work harder on talking to people now that you have more of an idea why they stare and avoid you, but is it worth the hurt that will come along with it? The misunderstandings and the people still mistreating you is a new concern.

“And what if that’s what she is Rick? What if she isn’t as good as Daryl here thinks?” The last is voice hushed. It is Sasha’s clear voice.

“So what now yer sayin’ I’m too trustin’?” Daryl says without any hush in his voice or care for their not-so-secret conversation.

“No, I’m just saying you are the only one she really talks to. None of us know anything about her.” Sasha says seeming to get more defensive of her position. It only made you more upset to hear the discourse you’ve caused between Daryl and his friends. You understand their apprehension but it doesn’t make it hurt any less.

Daryl scoffs, “Then maybe you should try askin’ her” You hear his boots start to stomp heavily off to the porch. It doesn’t take too much longer of the silence after Daryl slams the door for you to get up and sneak up to your room. You start to pack your things and slide the bag over your shoulders. Turning to the door to see Maggie standing there you freeze. It’s like she is trying to make up her mind if she really wants to talk to you or not. It hurts but you take it as a sign to try to slide past her to leave.

“Don’t leave, please.” She grabs your wrist lightly before you can get past. You’d grown to expect that shock Daryl’s touch always gives but there was nothing other than the pressure of her soft hands around your wrist. “I know we haven’t been real welcomin’, and I’m sure you heard us talkin’. I’m sorry.” She looks down seeming to be ashamed of herself. You take a moment before slipping back and grabbing your board and marker. What will I be to this place if I stay? A threat? Or a friend?

She looks at you with a hint of sadness and pity in her eyes. “I don’t know about anyone else but with how Daryl talks about you and looks at you I’m hoping a friend.”

You sigh writing out again after thinking for a moment. Don’t tell Daryl I tried to leave. She only nods in return before bumping her fist against your shoulder. You give a small shy smile to her in return before she turns and leaves. Hopefully, things will start to get better.

Part 5

If you would like to be tagged in my works please feel free to message me and let me know who/what fandoms you’d like to be tagged in. I plan to write for at least The Walking Dead, Shameless(US), Marvel(MCU and Comics), DC(All), and Teen Wolf

Those who asked to be tagged. <3

@ghxstttttt

[charcubed]

Let's talk about Supernatural 15x07, "Last Call."

Or as I like to call it, "the episode that makes me go feral because it tells us so much about Dean's sexuality, character, and arc." 

YES others have written meta! YES I will talk about it myself for the satisfaction! I LOVE IT SO MUCH.

This post was originally a thread on Twitter and I am crossposting it to my blog.

Alt image IDs are included in that linked Twitter thread!

Join me on this journey.

What's the context of this episode? Dean's been kind of down/depressed, feeling hopeless in the face of the idea that they have to defeat God (and not really working towards that goal much), and he's mid-divorce with Cas. He goes out on this solo case to try to clear his head.

And he ends up at Swayze's Bar. 

 Look, there are many things to be said about this. Dean loves Patrick Swayze. Arguably has a CRUSH on Swayze. It's very tied up in Dean pretending not to like "chick flicks" but he secretly does, which is queer coding. This was a Choice™️.

Speaking of Choices™️: professional actors made many here. Deliberately. 

 Dean is smacked on the ass by a woman and then Lee smacks him on the ass too. Dean and Lee CONSTANTLY have physical familiarity and fond eye contact. I will limit myself to 1 paragraph about this lest I list it all.

My point is that I just really need every person to digest and accept the fact that this is textually bi Dean. Not subtext; it's TEXT. 

Dean and Lee had a relationship. Their history is alluded to in touch and in words. They had an orgy together. Dean's bisexuality is not repressed.

It's also now canon that Dean tries to hide that he can sing well. Most people don't know (like Sam) but some do (Lee). Hence "Eye of the Tiger" callback.

And so: that's also the implication for his sexuality. Dean singing ON STAGE with bi lighting is him being ready to be Out.

They dedicated an entire half an ep at minimum to emphasizing he's bi... and to Dean having a conversation with someone he (initially) trusts about potentially having a break from hunting, and what that could mean.

LEE: You're chasing missing persons, huh? I thought you'd be on to something bigger by now, like the Loch Ness Monster... Bigfoot.

DEAN: Trust me, uh, bigger doesn't always equal better. Besides, who's gonna look out after the little guy? God certainly isn't.

LEE: Damn, brother, that's dark.

DEAN: Yeah, it's been a rough, uh... it's been a rough decade, Lee.

LEE: Yeah.

DEAN: But that's a conversation for a different time, 'cause this, this right here, this is all right.

LEE: Well, I'm glad you approve. This is nothing you can't have, man.

DEAN: Oh, come on. Who's gonna kill the bad guys?

LEE: Somebody else. Dean, how many lives you think you saved, huh? Hundreds? Thousands? You deserve a break, bro. Hell, you might even deserve two.

"But Lee turns out to be a villain!" some might say. "Isn't the point that giving up hunting is bad?" 

Nope. 

Lee's a DARK MIRROR for Dean. He exists to exhibit the truths behind Dean's desires, and then what they'd look like if they turned bad. Take it from him: "I am you."

There are LAYERS here. You can't focus on the dark side and ignore the truths that take place in the (often bi) light. 

The singing? The conversations about taking a break? Throwing men out of the bar, which is framed heroically? "Road House rules" (another Choice™️)?

NONE of that was bad. It shows what Dean wants. 

Things only get bad–literally and visually–when Dean's tied up as Lee suddenly says wrong things in the dark. 

The contrast exists to show that maintaining Goodness is a choice, and Dean would have no problem upholding that.

LEE: It's called a marid. It's a freaky-looking little thing, isn't it? [Lee laughs, and Dean stares at him, incredulous] Ah. As long as you feed it, it gives you money, it gives you health, everything you dreamed of.

DEAN: And so, what, it just costs innocent lives?

LEE: Dean, you and I both know no one's innocent. After everything we've done, aren't... aren't we owed a little happiness, huh? Don't we deserve that much?

DEAN: Listen to yourself. "We're owed." "We deserve." Come on, man. You're not God. Hell, God's not even God.

LEE: Good or bad... the world doesn't care. No one cares, Dean.

DEAN: Well, I do.

LEE: Yeah. And that's what got you here. Now, takes a while to drain a man, but listen to me. Don't worry about it, all right? Don't worry because once you lose a couple of pints, you just fall asleep, and then it'll be over.

[Lee pats Dean on the shoulder]

DEAN: Lee.

LEE: This... this is not how I wanted this to go, Dean. When that blonde girl walked in here last night, I should've know, you know, Dean Winchester, the righter of wrongs, you were gonna keep digging, and you were gonna figure me out. And if it's got to be you or me, well, I got to pick me, man.

"No one cares, Dean."

"Well, I do."

It's a reminder to himself as much as it is to Lee. It's a re-centering of purpose that he sorely needs.

And what's also key? Lee is human, but is now a "monster" in Dean's words. Because Lee lost his ability to care, Dean can't abide by that.

(Side note: bonus for the fact that Lee dies up against a wall by being impaled and he coughs up blood. You know who doesn’t cough up blood in their very weird and unrealistic death scene? Dean in the finale.)

Remember: Lee is a dark mirror for Dean. "I am you." 

By fighting and (tragically) killing Lee, Dean "kills" the darker side of himself. The side that's struggling to keep going right now... AND the side that fears eventually wanting a break means you must be selfish and stop caring.

He can keep going. He can find strength to fight God–and in the end, take a break and CHOOSE peace. It won't make him dark. He's the most caring man on Earth, even when it's hard. That’s reinforced later. 

Isn't he owed a little happiness? And that's not in the having. It's in just being.

The bonus is what's going on with Cas in this episode. 

Dean's clearing his head and finding his center again while Cas is calling him. 

Come home. I need you. Remember what matters.

And again, contrast: Lee turns out not to be "real/true" in the way Dean thought he was. But Cas IS.

And after Dean goes through all of this... he's grounded again, he recognizes that even amongst questions of what God controls there are still choices to be made, he's reminded that letting his caring heart lead him is priority, he's lost another friend... 

He comes home to Cas.

It's awkward. They're still distanced. 

But this episode is a turning point for Dean. He's not angry at Cas anymore, he wants to talk, he's ready to move forward... he just doesn't know how to yet.

And if you follow the through-line... then you get Rowena saying "fix it"... and then after that is the Purgatory prayer.

I just !!! 

S15 is packed with Dean development to hone in towards the end of his arc, but "Last Call" manages to hit SO many buttons. 

• He's always been bi, & is ready to be Out

• He can want a break–& maybe run a bar like the Roadhouse

• Caring is at the core of who he is

It's about the CHOICE. It's about wanting to live your truths, and that "caring" can mean many things–from defeating God and saving the world, to making the hard choices when it counts, to maybe running a bar where people are safe.

14x10 and its matching Texan Star also say hello:

DEAN: How come you always have a boyfriend?

PAMELA: How come you only want what you can't have?

DEAN: Whoa.

PAMELA: Besides, you don't want me. You just like to flirt. I'm a psychic, so I kinda know.

DEAN: All right.

PAMELA: So, still not ready to sell the bar, huh? It's a lot of money.

DEAN: Sell? This bar? This is my dream.

PAMELA; Yeah.

And I recognize that rereading this info is sad(der) now because of what we got in the end, so uh... sorry. 

But that's half the point: it's repeatedly blatantly clear what we were meant to get, down to deliberate echoes in word choice–caring, happiness, deserve, even Roadhouse.

Dean was meant to choose to take a break, maybe run a bar–whether on Earth or in Heaven. At minimum, if Dean was meant to end up in Heaven, he was meant to choose it with eyes wide open. And the next time the phone rang with Cas' name (15x19), he RAN for him. He was VERY ready.

And the whole season tells you that. This episode is just my favorite.

So... thanks for letting me ramble on about it!!! 

DEAN WINCHESTER: BI ICON, ONCE-LOVER OF LEE WEBB, THE MOST CARING MAN ON EARTH WHO DESERVED TO CHOOSE PEACE AFTER GAINING HIS FREEDOM, & SOULMATE TO AN ANGEL

And a very big thank you to the talented kings Jensen Ackles & Christian Kane, and their longstanding friendship. They gave me many rights with their acting choices. 

Here's an iconic bonus for the road.

[artdev]

I’m probably gonna get attacked for this lol

Tommy Character Analysis

From a sane yet angry child

The character of Tommyinnit is one of the worst characters on the entirety of the Dream SMP. Yes, the other characters have their flaws, and they have all done some very horrible things, but Tommy has continuously made bad decisions. These decisions have done nothing good for himself and have caused suffering for the other members of the SMP. In this essay I will provide reason to the fact character Tommy fucking sucks and every other character, yes including Dream, are so much better and have redeeming qualities to their characters. I will give a disclaimer: this is about THE CHARACTERS not the CONTENT CREATORS

Tommy’s First Days on the SMP

Tommy’s first day on the SMP was the last day of peace that server would ever see. From the get-go Tommy did nothing but cause nothing but problems for the original people on the server (Dream, George, Sapnap, Bad, Sam, Ponk, Callahan, and Alyssa) which resulted in a ban from not only from Dream, after refusing to obey under his exile he was put in, himself but also from George. The bans were lifted but everything spiraled from that point on. Tommy was the spark that started the disc war. This was a war that spanned over a series of months because Tommy would not stop killing Dream, so in return Dream confiscated tommy’s discs as a punishment, it was Dreams server, so he was not going to let Tommy go around causing problems without consequence.

Quick history

L ’Manburg

L’ Manburg started out as nothing but a drug caravan, started by Wilbur and tommy, would grow into a large country separated by large black walls keeping everyone out and let only a select few in. After a war Tommy did the only selfless thing, he would ever do in his whole time on the SMP. He gave up one of his discs for L’Manburg’s independence, after losing a dule with Dream. In all this tommy keeps up his thieving and antagonizing ways.

The election

The election was Wilbur’s attempt to regain power and respect within his country, there were multiple parties, POG 2020 (Wilbur and Tommy), SWAG 2020 (Quackity), Schlatt 2020 (JSchlatt). POG 2020 was the overall winner but was beat out by 1% by Schlatt and Quackity who had formed a coalition. With Schlatt as the president and Quackity as the Vise President the country is changed to Manburg, the walls are torn down, and Tommy and Wilbur have their citizenship is revoked and are banned from Manburg.

Pogtopia and Manburg v Pogtopia

Pogtopia was the ravine that served as a base for Tommy and Wilbur after the election. This is when techno (my fuckin beloved) had joined and sided with Tommy and Wilbur with the promise of chaos and war. With techno on their side, they start to build up and prepare for war. The war between Pogtopia (with the old residents of Manburg) and Manburg (pretty much everyone else on the server). The war ended with Schlatt having a heart attack in the remains of the destroyed drug van, Tubbo becoming president of Manburg, followed by Wilbur blowing up the country, with assistance from techno, and his grand death at the hands of his father.

Exile

Tommy was sent into his third exile by Tubbo after Tommy once again was causing problems for Tubbo and the new L ’Manburg. Tommy was sent thousand and thousands of blocks away from the greater SMP and he was not allowed to return unless he wanted to die. After spending months in exile with Dream coming by every day and taking Tommy’s things, and tommy almost taking his last canon life, tommy had escaped exile and went to the closest place he could go. Tommy set up a base under Technoblades retirement home and was soon discovered by Techno. Despite Tommy stealing Techno’s items and just being a annoying ass bitch, Techno let Tommy stay. With the help of techno tommy was able to sneak in and out of L’ Manburg.

Final L’ Manburg War

After a confrontation in the remains of a now destroyed community house, Tommy had sided with Tommy, another declaration of war, with Dream and techno going to blow up L’ Manburg. Tommy planed with the other members to gather resources to face off the most powerful people on the server. In the end L’ Manburg lost and was destroyed with nothing left but a sizable crater in its place.

The end of the disc war and drams imprisonment

The end of season two of the SMP was the end of the disc war, after tommy and Tubbo meet up with Dream at the top of a large mountain, where the three fought to get the discs. Dream eventually leads the two brits to a bunker where Dream had been collecting the attachments on the server, like Tommy’s cow henry, Ghostbur’s sheep Friend, and open slots for other pets and Skeppy. While Dream was going to kill Tubbo he was stopped when the entirety of the SMP, lead by Punz, came through the nether portal that led into Dream’s base. They surrounded Dream and caused him to surrender, and landed him in pandoras vault, a large prison built by Sam under Dreams request. Whist Dream has been in prison Tommy has visited a few times and has done nothing but was nothing but an annoying child to an already suffering man. During what was supposed to be Tommy’s last visit he ended up being locked in the cell with Dream due to a potential security breach in the prison, meaning tommy was stuck with Dream for what was only supposed to be a week. Tommy was stuck with Dream for more than a week, like was stated in the terms and conditions of the prison, this extended time alone with Dream was bad for the both of them and it led to tommy losing his last canon life. Tommy was revived by Dream three days later and was freed from the prison shortly after, now out and full of fresh trauma.

Present events

After being revived and released back into the world tommy swore that he would kill Dream. As of tommy’s most recent lore stream there was an attempt. Tommy armed with invisibility and fire res pots, under the cover of Ghostbur paying Dream a visit, snuck into the prison to kill Dream. When tommy finally go to Dream’s cell, he got to trigger happy and took out the axe to soon which ended in tommy being caught by Sam and left Ghostbur stranded with Dream on the other side of the lava. Now that Dream had Ghostbur he would be able to bring Wilbur back and that exactly was happened, Wilbur is now back and as crazed as ever with 13 and a half years of isolation on top of that.

Tommy and His Trauma

I will not ignore Tommy’s trauma, nor will I downplay what he’s been through, cause truly been through a lot. That being said his trauma should not be used as an excuse to blow off what he’s done, if one is going to do that you better danm well not go around and ignore others trauma. Tommy has been through some horrible things, his exile, Dream’s manipulation, being beat to death in prison then being revived, losing not only a brother figure but also a place he called home, as well as the manipulation from Wilbur, these things can really do some damage to a kid or an adult. Tommy though uses his trauma to excuse any wrong thing he does. There are characters on the SMP with similar trauma, Jack Manifold was the first character to come lose all his canon lives but he came back out of spite, both Tommy and Jack went through something similar. Jack, however, doesn’t use this trauma to make excuses for being a massive prick. Jack uses what he’s been through as motivation, while it’s one of his motivations to do something bad, but he doesn’t use it as a hindrance. Now let’s look at someone has experienced the same things as Tommy, Tubbo, Tubbo went through almost everything Tommy went through plus more. Tubbo was manipulated by Dream, saw his country get blown up TWICE, hell he had to mourn the death of his best friend on TWO SEPREATE OCCASIONS, he was killed by someone he thought he could be trusted, was manipulated as well as verbally abused by Schlatt when working in his cabinet. Tubbo has gone on to build his own little town, start a family, he had run a country pretty danm well and created NUKES. Tubbo doesn’t let what happened to him hold him back from doing great things or keep him stuck in his old ways, Tubbo was able to break from what he originally was, a side kick, and has done wonders.

Tommy and His Relationships

Keep in mind this is not about whether Tommy cares about people it’s about how he acts and how that affects others. Tommy cares people so I cannot shame him for that, but despite that he still causes problems for said people.

Tommy and Dream

Tommy and Dream have never gotten along, anyone with fuckin eyes can see that from a mile away, they are always at each other’s throats and always butting heads. Dream is normally pretty levelheaded, until Tommy comes around. When Tommy was trapped in the cell with dream that was bad from the start, but the extended time was even worse. Tommy has always been an aggressor towards Dream, during the war for L ’Manburg when Dream was meeting with Wilbur, Tommy lashed out at Dream and put the independence of this new nation on the line to try and fight Dream. Now on to more recent examples, Tommy’s death. When Tommy was trapped with Dream in the cell Dream was pretty stand offish, if anything he was excited at first, being stuck in a cell with no one to talk to is pretty fuckin lonely. That excitement was sure to be short lived. Tommy is quick to start antagonizing Dream, hitting him, hurling insults at him, and just being all around unpleasant, Tommy would also take things like Dream’s clock and books and throw them into the lava just to upset him. Tommy also killed the one thing in prison that Dream had, a cat that he named hope, another thing Tommy took away just to show “what happens to things you care about”. All these things would build up over time which lead to Dreams burst of anger and caused Tommy’s death.

Tommy and Technoblade

Time to get absolutely PISSED. Techno was never a person to Tommy, he was just the Blade, a weapon to be used till he was not needed. Ever since Techno first logged on Tommy though he had scary dog privileges, getting mad at techno for when he went and assisted Wilbur in the destruction of L ’Manburg when techno had made it clear he was not a fan of government. After Tommy had fled from his exile he went to hide under Techno’s home without Techno’s knowledge, before he was discovered by Techno, he would steal from him and use them in useless ways, such as decorating his hidey hole with gold blocks or how he stole Techno’s gapples and ate them when he didn’t need to, practically wasting them. Once he was found by Techno, Techno let Tommy live with him despite being a leach, he let tommy eat the gapples, and even assisted in getting tommy in and out of L ’Manburg, he even hid Tommy from dream and lied to one of the most powerful people on the server to keep tommy safe. Techno was very patient with Tommy and what does Tommy do? He goes around and goes back to Tubbo, the man who exiled him in the first place, actively backstabbing Techno, and when him and Dream team up and destroy L ’Manburg for the second time he has THE GULL to get mad and shame Techno for it, it’s fucking awful.

Tommy and Tubbo

Tommy and Tubbo are great friends, I can’t lie about that, but he still manages to make shitty decisions that affect him. When Tubbo was president of the New L ’Manburg Tommy started causing trouble, all starting when he (and Ranboo) burned down George’s house, forcing Tubbo to put his vice president under a probation. Even after being put under the probation, he still caused problems. Tommy made Tubbo choose between the safety and freedom for his country or his best friend staying, in the end it was tommy’s fault for being casted into exile, he just wouldn’t behave and follow the rules. He also constantly pushed Tubbo’s trauma to the side to put a spotlight on his own, making him the center of attention, ignoring someone who’s supposed to be his best friend. Now, I will say, he did do something good for Tubbo, during the final disc confrontation he gave Dream the disc’s they were fighting so hard for in return for Tubbo’s safety, I have to give credit when credit is due.

To The C!Tommy Apologists

I know people are going to come after me for this, to any Tommy apologists reading this, please just can it /nm. In canon tommy is about 20 something? You can’t keep using “Oh HeS a ChILd!’ CC!Tommy is a child. Yes, I understand he’s traumatized, so is every other character on the SMP, he isn’t special. Also, PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD LEAVE US DREAM APOLOGISTS ALONE. All your arguments are so similar and you all thing dream, who is obviously mentally ill, deserves the everyday beating which is incredibly fucked up. Now I know not ALL Tommy apologists are like this but it is a lot of them, regardless of what dream did, he does not deserve to be rarely fed and he does not deserve the constant torture. Also please stop wit the whole ‘dream is obsessed with tommy’ shit, I can’t remember the tag for it at the time of writing this, but it is the creepiest thing I’ve seen and everyone portrays dream to be some yandere stalker and its just not poggers to be honest, and it comes off as very predatory which is ALSO not poggers. To any tommy apologists friends I know IRL this is not directed at you and just know I love y’all.

[randomposterofstuff]

An in-depth analysis of Mikasa’s character development in relation to Eren and Levi

Author's Note: Hi, all! As I was re-reading and going over my previous post/analysis titled "On the change of dynamics of Mikasa's relationships with Eren and Levi," I realized that there were some points that I should've/could've included. Lol. I also came up with other points of analysis as well as arrived at other realizations concerning Mikasa's connections with Eren and Levi. So, I've decided to post them here. This post can be considered a continuation of the previous analysis since it supplements and further expounds on the last post's points. But this can still stand on its own since it also talks about additional issues. Haha. If you want to read the previous post, the link is up there. Hehehe.

Fair Warning: This is a very long post. Lol.

This post will analyze the following:

1.  How Mikasa's connection to Eren is rooted in their shared history. This was already touched upon in the previous post, but this post will expound more on this.

2.  How Mikasa's character development is affected by Eren's own character development. How her development as a character is affected by this will also be discussed. This segment will also analyze how Mikasa's connection to Eren became strained because of the latter's drastic change in the latter part of the series.

3.  How "Chapter 138: A Really Long Dream" is about Mikasa finally letting go of and "waking up" from her dream. This post shall also analyze how Chapter 138 is actually the climax and turning point of Mikasa's character development concerning Eren.

4.  How Eren represents Mikasa's dream, while Levi represents her reality. This will be further expounded on later.

From the foregoing topics, it’s clear that this is a primarily Mikasa-centered analysis. Haha. I just had so many thoughts running through my mind about her development that I was eager to make this post. Lol.

So, anyway, we now delve in:

1.    Mikasa's connection to Eren is rooted in their shared history.

In the series, most of Mikasa's actions and reactions tend to either revolve around or be connected to Eren. About this, it is necessary to take into account their relationship and shared history.

Before Mikasa met Eren, she was a young girl who lived a relatively peaceful and quiet life with her loving parents. But then, all that changed when human traffickers killed her parents in front of her eyes and kidnapped her to sell her as a sex slave.

During this time, she was just an innocent young girl who hadn't experienced much of the world yet. So, one can only imagine the pain, shock, and trauma that she must have felt during her brief period of captivity. Being so young at the time, she was understandably shaken and scared – having had her family and her innocence forcibly and violently taken away from her.

However, hope came in the form of a young Eren who had gone looking for her on his own when he and his father discovered her parents' bodies. When he found her, he wasted no time taking action and immediately killed two of her captors before freeing her. When the third captor arrived and tried to strangle Eren, he told her to fight. At first, she was scared to do so, as evidenced by her shaking when she held the knife Eren used to cut her binds. While he kept telling her to fight, memories suddenly flashed in her mind, and they made her realize that they lived in a cruel but beautiful world. During this time, her dormant "Ackerman powers" awakened and thus gave her the strength and courage to actually fight and deliver the killing blow – thereby freeing both herself and Eren. As we all know, in the aftermath, the Yeagers took Mikasa in, and Eren gave her his scarf when she said that she felt cold.

As mentioned before, Mikasa and Eren's shared history is important. This is because it defined the early dynamics of their relationship. Eren was literally and figuratively her savior. He saved her from captivity and from a potential future of abuse. He also saved her from loneliness and despair. When she lost her biological parents, she found a new family in Eren, Grisha, and Carla. The Yeager parents treated her warmly and kindly, and Eren was her constant companion (apart from Armin, of course). Having experienced the severe trauma of violently losing her parents, she never wanted to lose anyone precious to her ever again. This is evidenced by the following situations in the series:

a)  When she and Eren desperately wanted to save Carla from the Smiling Titan in Season 1. Neither she nor Eren wanted to leave her behind. So, when Hans carried them away to safety, Mikasa was visibly crying and heartbroken.

b)  When she attacked Levi with tears in her eyes when he initially declared that he would use the Titan serum on Erwin instead of Armin. Armin, alongside Eren, was one of the most precious people left in her life. As such, the idea of losing him was painful. When Levi eventually decided to save Armin instead, Mikasa wept tears of joy when Armin fully recovered after eating Bertolt.

c)  When Mikasa cried upon seeing Sasha's dead body. While the development of their friendship wasn't fully shown, it was clear that Sasha meant a great deal to Mikasa as the former's death affected her deeply.

About Mikasa not wanting to lose anyone close to her, it is evident and apparent that Eren was the most special person in her life. This is not surprising since Eren was the one who literally saved her, and there's also the fact that he was the only one left of her adoptive family. Apart from these, I think that the following reasons are also possible and probable causes as to why Eren was the most special:

a)  Eren was her source of hope and strength. When she fell into despair when she was kidnapped, Eren gave her hope when he came to her rescue. It was also during the struggle against her captors that she awakened her inner Ackerman power. So, she might have attributed her then new-found strength to him. 

[Side note: I'm aware that Eren was lying when he commented that Mikasa had responded to his "command" to fight back then because she mistakenly thought that he was a "royal host." In the “Attack on Titan ANSWERS” guidebook, Isayama-sensei himself stated that "[Mikasa, Levi, and Kenny] are all part of the same Ackerman bloodline. However, their reasons for protecting their respective counterparts do not have anything to do with the bloodline itself—it is just their nature." When I said that Mikasa attributed her then new-found strength to him, I was talking in figurative and emotional terms. Lol.]

Screenshots taken from Season 1, Episode 6 of the “Attack on Titan” anime

b)    In her eyes, Eren represented the good in their cruel world. Because of Eren, Mikasa realized that the world is cruel but is also beautiful – meaning that there's also good in it

Screenshots taken from Season 1, Episode 7 of the “Attack on Titan” anime

My take is that all of these things shaped and formed the beginnings of Mikasa's connection to Eren. Their shared history influenced Mikasa's overly protective nature towards him and her affection for him. Eren was the foundation of her strength and a constant reminder that there was still good in the cruel world they lived in. As such, she would have done anything to protect him and all that he meant to her.

This is particularly important as we proceed to the second point of this analysis, which is how Mikasa's character development is affected by Eren's.

-----

2.    Mikasa's character development is affected by Eren's.

For the most part of the series, Mikasa has been characterized by her strong urge to protect Eren. The reasons behind this protective nature of hers have already been expounded earlier. At this juncture, I shall now discuss how Mikasa was affected by the kind of person Eren used to be.

Specifically, this portion of the analysis will be divided into two (2) parts: the first will be about their character developments during the pre-Marley arc. The second will be about their developments during the Marley arc and going onwards.

a)    Pre-Marley Arc

As previously mentioned, Eren was her literal savior. And she saw firsthand how he would willingly place himself in danger to protect others. She appreciated Eren's good-nature. And she likely saw him as a sort of embodiment of the things that make the cruel world they live in more bearable and more beautiful.

It is essential to consider the kind of person that Eren used to be before the Marley arc. Before the truth of the world and the Titans was revealed, Eren was a mischievous and stubborn child. Still, at the same time, he was also good-natured, determined, selfless, and courageous. His resolve, courage, and desire to protect others were further amplified when the Warriors of Marley attacked his hometown of Shiganshina and when the Smiling Titan ate his mother.

The early stages of Eren's development are relevant to Mikasa's own development. Due to his well-meaning nature and their shared history, Mikasa felt strongly inclined to side with him and protect him at all times. While this is understandable on her part, it has also proven to be problematic.

Her disposition towards Eren impaired her judgment

For instance, it has been shown on more than one occasion that Mikasa's affection for Eren has impaired her judgment. This has been exemplified in the following cases:

a)    Back in Season 1, when both she and Armin thought that Eren had been killed, Mikasa went on a reckless rampage on her own against the Titans which invaded Trost. To be fair, she was grief-stricken under the circumstances. Nonetheless, her actions were still irresponsible, and she nearly lost her own life because of them.

b)    When she recklessly went after Annie in her Female Titan form after the latter had captured Eren in the Forest of Giant Trees outside the Walls. Mikasa would have probably been killed had Levi not arrived. Furthermore, because of her rage towards Annie during this time, Mikasa disobeyed Levi's order not to engage Annie in battle. Her decision endangered her; it also resulted in Levi's injury, which rendered him unable to fight for some time.

It also narrowed her priorities and way of thinking

As mentioned in my previous post, Mikasa is not cruel or heartless towards others. It has been shown that she has empathy for innocent and helpless people. This is likely because of her own experiences with being powerless. The following instances exemplify this:

a)    When she saved Louise and her mother from one of the Titans that had invaded Trost.

b)    When she threatened Dimo Reeves with her sword when he refused to allow the district's defenseless citizens to pass through the pathway leading to the protected areas until all of his merchandise and goods were carried through. She only relented her threatening demeanor and actions when he had this cart moved to the side to make way for the citizens to pass.

However, because of the extent of her concern and devotion to Eren, Mikasa seemed to disregard nearly everything else whenever he was in danger.

An example of this was during the Struggle for Trost and Eren's military trial in Season 1. When Eren transformed to begin the mission to seal the Wall, he initially lost control and attacked Mikasa and the others. It is worth noting that it was unintentional on his part. However, that does not change the fact that his loss of control nearly jeopardized the mission and placed his comrades in danger.

While the mission was ultimately successful, Eren's loss of control was still a serious source of concern. Because of this, he was temporarily imprisoned. It was also decided that there would be a trial to see if he was either a threat or an asset to humanity within the Walls.

During this time, Mikasa was understandable apprehensive, and worried about Eren. It is worth noting that, as mentioned in my previous post, she was more concerned about him than the fact that he was still a potential threat at the time. It should be remembered that during this time, the inhabitants of Paradis (save for a select few such as the royal family and their followers) were ignorant of the truth about Titans and the world. As such, the fear directed towards Eren was valid and understandable. Yet, despite this, Mikasa was still singularly focused on him.

This is evidenced by the following:

a)    Her glaring at Rico when it was revealed that the latter had mentioned Eren's loss of control in the report that they had submitted. When Rico responded with, "Did you expect me to lie in a report?" Mikasa simply continued to glare at the Garrison soldier. On this, Rico was clearly in the right for telling the truth since Eren's powers were still a mystery and still potentially harmful to others. Yet, Mikasa was probably too worried about Eren to realize this.

b)    When she attempted to attack Levi when the latter began to physically beat Eren. She would've undoubtedly intervened had Armin not stopped her. I had already expounded on this in my previous post, but I will just add the pertinent excerpts here:

"The display was necessary to emphasize and prove that Levi, who is widely known as "Humanity's Strongest Soldier," was best suited to subdue Eren should he lose control of his abilities. Because of this, the Scouts were able to convince the Military Police and Premier Zackly that they should be given custody over Eren. At the time, Mikasa was gravely concerned about Eren's well-being and was perhaps too furious at Levi to think about anything else. Because of this, she probably did not immediately realize that Levi had effectively secured Eren's relative safety at the end of the day. "

"During the trial, the MPs spoke of planning to dissect him, among others. Conversely, the Scouts proposed that he participate in an upcoming scouting expedition to determine whether he is a threat or not. They also suggested that Eren be placed under Levi's direct supervision so that he could be subdued in the event of an incident. While the latter proposal still entailed some degree of violence, it was far less hostile and more beneficial to Eren than the MP's proposal."

To conclude this part, I think that Mikasa focused more on the fact that Eren never meant any harm. And she probably thought that Eren should not be punished because of this. Again, all of this shows how Mikasa was inclined to always side with Eren (even though his actions may sometimes do more harm than good) because of his good and well-meaning nature and their shared history.

b)   Marley arc until the present time

The second part of this segment shall now discuss how Eren's drastic and dark development affected Mikasa.

As mentioned before, Mikasa always sided with Eren because of their past and his good nature.

However, when Eren began changing for the worse, their relationship began to deteriorate. As mentioned in my previous post, they slowly but surely drifted apart until they lost their common ground.

At the start of the Marley arc (which is the beginning of the fourth season in the anime), Eren's personality had noticeably become darker. This is evidenced by his horrible actions, which endangered and cost lives, such as the following:

a)    When he executed his and Zeke's plan to raid Liberio so that they could both escape to Paradis Island. As a result of this plan, countless innocent civilians and children were killed in the process. Furthermore, several of his comrades from the Survey Corps/Scouting Regiment lost their lives, including Sasha.

b)    When he initiated the Rumbling with the intention to destroy all of humanity not residing within Paradis Island. This plan and course of action would eliminate both their enemies who were actively plotting to attack Paradis and millions of innocent civilians and bystanders.

At this point in time, Eren had changed from a good-natured and compassionate soldier dedicated to protecting innocents to a depressed and violent extremist. This change was triggered by the revelation of the truth about the world and his gaining access to the memories of the past and future inheritors of his Attack Titan.

With regard to how his terrible change affected Mikasa, it is clear that she was clearly disturbed by it.

Mikasa had begun to acknowledge that Eren was no longer the "good" in their cruel world.

During the raid on Liberio, she was visibly distraught and affected by Eren's destructive actions. It seemed that she was in disbelief – she even asked him if he was aware that he did things that cannot be undone. As mentioned in the previous post, Mikasa was even more distressed because Eren consciously caused the destruction and did not appear to show any remorse.

It is worth noting that Mikasa's empathy for innocent and defenseless people, especially children, was highlighted in this scene. When she asked Eren if he was aware of his actions' consequences, there were tears in her eyes.

Screenshots taken from Season 4, Episode 6 of the “Attack on Titan” anime

At that point in time, Mikasa had begun to realize that the Eren she once knew was no longer with them. She had started to see that Eren no longer represented the good in the world; and that he had become a source of what makes it cruel.

Mikasa felt conflicted because she was in denial.

Throughout the Marley arc events up until the Rumbling arc, Mikasa still held on to the hope that Eren could still change for the better. It is true that she believed (or maybe desperately wanted to believe) that Zeke was manipulating him, but does not change the fact that Eren was acting on his own accord.

On several occasions, Mikasa had expressed her desire to talk to Eren and kept insisting that sense could still be talked into him. I think that this is an indicator that she was in a state of "pseudo-denial."

I used the term "pseudo-denial" because, from how I see it, Mikasa was already aware that Eren was no longer the same person who saved her.  That he was no longer the same person who insisted that Historia eat him so that humanity can be saved. That he was no longer the same person who would jump right into battle to protect innocent people; that he had turned into someone who had harmed and would continue to harm innocent people. However, it appears that Mikasa did not want to accept this fact. This is why she kept insisting on talking to Eren in the slim chance that he could still be persuaded to abandon his plan of initiating the Rumbling. She was torn between reality and her personal sentiments. In short, she still hoped that the kind person who stood up for the helpless and who saved her from bondage was still in there somewhere. This exemplified by this scene from Episode 14 of Season 4:

Screenshots taken from Season 4, Episode 14 of the “Attack on Titan” anime

This pseudo-denial placed her odds with her allies and comrades. The others, such Armin, Annie, and Levi, had already accepted that Eren needed to be killed in the worst-case scenario. On this, it's apparent that Mikasa knew that they were right considering the circumstances. But she still felt conflicted because she still hoped that Eren could be convinced to not go through with his plans. However, that hope was dashed when Eren himself told them that the only way to stop him was to kill him. Yet, even then, she was still hesitant and conflicted.

Mikasa had matured because of their strained connection and had begun outgrowing her bond with Eren.

In a way, Mikasa was still holding onto the past. On this, Eren's dark character development is what caused their relationship to deteriorate. As previously discussed, Mikasa's connection to Eren is rooted in their shared history and the type of person he used to be. In the past, Eren was her savior, her family, and her source of strength and hope. But when he stopped being those things to her, the foundation for their bond was lost.

While it is tragic and drastic for Mikasa, this caused her to become more keenly aware of other priorities. She became more cognizant of the stakes involved rather than just focusing on Eren. Although she still cared greatly for him, she was no longer singularly focused on him. She became wise and mature enough to not turn a blind eye to the danger and threat that he posed. This in sharp contrast to how she acted in the past. Before, she would always place Eren's welfare first before nearly anything else. But because of recent developments, she finally began to realize and understand that there were other things more important than Eren. And I think that this is a significant turning point for her since he had affected and influenced her for most of her life.

Before Chapter 138, Mikasa was still in a state of "pseudo-denial" because of her hope for a more peaceful solution in dealing with Eren. But I think that the fact that she started feeling conflicted was the start of her process of outgrowing her bond with Eren. This is because she knew that she could no longer just turn a blind eye to his actions and their devastating effects.

The significance of her process of outgrowing her connection with Eren will be further expounded in the next point of analysis below.

-----

3.    "Chapter 138: A Long Dream" is about Mikasa finally letting go of and "waking up" from her own dream.

It has already been established that Mikasa had dreamed of living a peaceful life for the longest time. She dreams of one that is similar to the kind she once had with her parents. In particular, Mikasa wanted to live such a life with her loved ones, particularly Eren. The "dream" she had during this chapter is evidence of this.

It is unclear whether what Mikasa saw was a dream, a hallucination, a vision, or, as some fans speculate, a memory from an alternate reality. In any case, it was not the reality that she lived in.

I've already stated earlier that her process of outgrowing Eren and their bond was significant. Concerning this, I think that the said process was part of a slow build-up towards her decision to finally let Eren go and kill him.

As previously mentioned, Mikasa seemed to have difficulty accepting that the Eren of her past had turned into the Eren who wished to destroy all of humanity outside of Paradis. She had struggled to fully acknowledge and accept this fact because it was too painful for her. However, as the situation started to become more drastic and desperate, she realized that she had no other choice but to face reality.

But even though she knew this, she still felt conflicted. Even when Eren told them that the only way to stop him was to kill him, she was still hesitant. She knew what needed to be done but could not accept it because of her attachment to Eren.

On this, I think that the "dream" or vision (or whatever it really was) that she had during the battle is representative of the kind of life she wishes and dreams for. When she, Levi, and the remaining Titan shifters were the only ones left to fight, she started having another headache. And when Levi told her that they were the only ones left who could kill Eren, her head pain intensified until the dream/vision started playing in her mind.

This is my take on this moment: the headache represented Mikasa's conflicted feelings. She knew that Eren needed to be stopped to save humanity. She knew that the rest of the world did not deserve to suffer from the cruel fate that Eren wished to bestow upon it. But her emotional attachments held her back from taking action. As for the dream/vision, I think it was her way of arriving at an epiphany and decision. And on this, maybe it was this dream/vision that gave Mikasa the resolve and courage to finally accept the reality. I will expound further.

In the dream/vision, Mikasa was crying. She said that she "shouldn't be there." And then dream-Eren spoke about their decision to run away from the Marleyan-Paradis conflict so that they could live in isolation and in peace during the last few years of his life. Dream-Eren then apologized for "bringing up the past."

Screenshots taken from Chapter 138 of the “Shingeki no Kyojin” manga

I personally think that this was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. During this dream/vision, Mikasa finally realized that her wish and dream to live a peaceful life with Eren could no longer come true. Her dream was born in the past, and if there was any chance of it happening, it had already passed by. Mikasa finally realized that attaining her dream was already impossible at that point.

I also think that when dream-Eren told her to forget about him after he dies, this could be interpreted as Mikasa realizing that if she were to finally have a quiet and peaceful life, then Eren would not be a part of it.

Screenshots taken from Chapter 138 of the “Shingeki no Kyojin” manga

Furthermore, Mikasa saying that she "had a long dream" could mean that she finally let go of her life-long wish/dream so that she can wake up to the reality she needed to face. It could be interpreted as her choosing to give up on Eren for good to make the world a less cruel place. On this, her decision to kill Eren herself was likely her way of letting him go and saying goodbye. It was the climactic resolution and outcome of her internal conflict where she struggled to choose between doing the right thing (saving humanity) and holding on to the most special thing in her life (Eren). In the end, she chose humanity over him because she knew that if she chose him, then their already cruel world would become darker and crueler.

Screenshot taken from Chapter 138 of the “Shingeki no Kyojin” manga

A quick note on Mikasa saying that she can’t forget Eren:

Some people might say that Mikasa’s declaration that she can’t forget Eren means that she decided not to let him go. I personally disagree with this. It is completely possible to move on from someone and let them go without forgetting them. In Mikasa’s case, I think that by saying that she won’t forget Eren, she meant that she will always remember the peaceful, good, and happy times that they had together. I also think that it means that she will fondly remember Eren as the good person he used to be.

I think that it’s understandable and fair that Mikasa chooses to remember the good times and the good things. Because, for better or for worse, Eren was still a huge and influential part of her life. The old Eren and the good times they had together were very much real, and the happiness she felt during those times was also genuine and valid. I also think that her decision to wear the scarf around her neck before delivering the killing blow was her way of saying, “I’m letting you go. But I will always value the good moments we had together. Goodbye.”

Screenshot taken from Chapter 138 of the “Shingeki no Kyojin” manga

-----

4. Eren represents Mikasa's dream, while Levi represents her reality.

This is a personal take and interpretation of the possible symbolisms connecting Mikasa and Levi in Chapter 138.

During the final battle against Eren, only Levi, Mikasa, and the titan-shifters were left to fight. And during this battle, Mikasa started to have her dream/vision. While dealing with her conflicted emotions, she began to drift to her "dream" about Eren and away from reality. And while she was drifting away, Levi kept telling her to "stay with [him there]."

Screenshot taken from Chapter 138 of the “Shingeki no Kyojin” manga

This could be interpreted as Levi being the voice calling out to her to stay in the current reality and not get lost in her distant and impossible dream. It is interesting to note that before she began "dreaming," an image of Eren as a child was shown, followed by a panel of a close-up of Levi's mouth with no dialogue. Meaning that everything around her had already faded away before she was immersed in her dream during that time.

Screenshots taken from Chapter 138 of the “Shingeki no Kyojin” manga

This could symbolize the inner conflict and turmoil that Mikasa was experiencing. She was torn between holding on to the past and accepting the present.

When she woke-up, both literally and figuratively, Mikasa had decided to let go of her dream and of Eren. She finally accepted the reality and returned to it. She returned to Levi's side and faced reality alongside him.

Screenshot taken from Chapter 138 of the “Shingeki no Kyojin” manga

Following this line of thought, this symbolic moment could foreshadow the kind of relationship they would have in the future. Considering that this final stand against Eren might very well be the most important battle of their lives, it would be reasonable to assume that they might form a deeper connection and relationship in its aftermath. They finished it together, so perhaps (and hopefully) it means that whatever the future might bring, they would also face it together.

Going back to how Eren and Levi are symbols, Eren represents her dream. Eren is not only a part of it; it is also linked to her past. Mikasa knew that her dream was impossible to achieve at that point and that it was necessary to finally let it go.

Levi, on the other hand, represents her reality. The reality she currently lives in is cruel and harsh. However, she can control what she does in it and what she makes of her life in the said reality. In other words, her reality is full of possibilities and various choices. This is in contrast to her dream of a life with Eren, which was impossible to attain. Furthermore, she only had two (2) choices as to what to do with the dream. It was either to keep holding on to it despite its impossibility or to let it go completely.

Thus, it can be said that Eren represents and symbolizes “what could have been”. Whereas, Levi represents “what could be”. Prescinding from this, there really is a good chance of Mikasa and Levi growing closer in the future.

-----

Author’s Note: Well, that’s all for now. Lol. I know that this post is very, very lengthy. Hahahaha. So, I really appreciate you guys for taking the time to read it. I tried my best to make it as organized and as clear as possible. I hope that it makes sense. Haha. I might post more analyses in the future. Hehehe. Let me know your thoughts and opinions!

[chicgeekgirl89]

A Soft Place to Land

Fandom: 911 Lone Star

Characters: Carlos Reyes, Andrea Reyes

A/N: Boy needs his mom so I sent him home. I wrote this after the first ep of Season 3 and I am feeling very vindicated in my inclusion of Andrea Reyes since Tim has let it slip that we're seeing her in ep 4. Also, it’s not often I make myself cry with my own fic, but this one did it. 

@bluenet13 is the best beta reader I could ever ask for and the only reason anything gets done around here. Thanks friend!

Read on AO3

He didn’t know why he’d come to the ranch. He’d just…found himself here. Likely because he didn’t know where else to go.

It had been two weeks since his life had fallen apart. Every carefully made plan, every hope and dream evaporated, gone, leaving him wandering through the darkness of each day alone. Truly alone, because he hadn’t told a single soul. His pain was too unreal, too deep seated for him to speak the words aloud. It was like he was in shock and couldn’t quite get himself re-oriented in his new reality.

He’d spent every night since driving. There were miles of open road outside of town, so after his shift he’d get in the Camaro and drive until he was so exhausted that he dropped into his bed and fell instantly asleep. When he was driving his thoughts chased him, but they couldn’t catch up.

Tonight he’d only realized where he was when the road ran out and he’d found himself in the driveway. The house was dark, no one was home, which meant it was probably Tuesday. On Tuesdays his mom went to Bible study and his dad did his one overnight shift a week. That was fine. He wasn’t good company for anyone right now.

He should have just turned around and driven away, but some compulsion or other made him get out of the car and use his key to enter the kitchen. The stove light was on, casting a warm, honey colored glow over the room. His eyes found the long kitchen table, it’s top bearing the scars of years of family meals. Kids, grandkids, cousins, tíos and tías had all gathered around it time and time again, eating, drinking, playing games, doing homework, cooking meals. This table was a part of the family as much as any person sharing his DNA.

He’d grown up at this table. 

He’d brought T.K. to this table. 

Tears rose to the surface and he turned away, brushing them off with the back of his hand. There was no point in crying over broken history, even if its jagged edges were cutting away at him like a knife. 

He forced himself to move, his hands pulling open the pantry door. He’d just grab a couple jars of salsa and scribble a note to his mom so she didn’t bring the entire Texas Ranger force in to investigate a burglary committed by her own son of the family’s secret recipe, then he’d be on his way.

He was searching for a pen when the overhead light snapped on, surprising him completely. Apparently breaking up with the love of his life was a great way to send his police officer observation skills down the toilet.

“Carlitos!” His mother put a hand to her heart. “You scared me! What are you doing here so late?”

“Sorry,” he said, holding up a jar giving her a wan smile. “I just came by for salsa.”

“You were only going to take one jar? You can have more than that mijo, I made a big batch with Tía Gloria last week,” Andrea said, putting down her purse and opening the cupboard to pull out two more.

“No, Ma, one is fine,” Carlos protested, already knowing it was in vain. He was going to be lucky to leave here with less than six or seven Tupperwares full of food. None of which he was hungry for. 

“I’ll give you some of the enchiladas I made last night too,” she said, pausing to look him up and down. “You look skinny.”

She wasn’t wrong; he probably had lost weight. He hadn’t really had much of an appetite the last couple weeks as his carefully built life had unraveled around him and sent him crashing to his knees.

“Oh! And I have some of those Mexican candies T.K. likes,” she said, turning toward the pantry.

Her words had him gripping the counter for support. The hole that had been ripped in his chest by the breakup still felt like a fresh wound, bleeding and raw, so much so that he nearly gasped for air, a hand going up to rub the spot right over where his heart had previously lived.

His mom was talking about his sister Teresa’s promotion at work and Carlos was nodding and “mm’ing” in what he thought were the right places, but inside he felt like he was dying. Like he was caving inward, broken beyond repair, a shell of a person. He tried to remind himself that he’d had a life before T.K., a good, fully, happy life, but he couldn’t remember what that looked like anymore. He only felt alone and bereft and—

“Carlos?”

Oh crap. He must have stopped responding. His eyes refocused and he found his mother looking at him intently. “Sorry, what?”

“I asked if you wanted corn tortillas. I bought some at the market, your father and I will never eat them all.”

“Sure, yes,” Carlos nodded. “Tortillas would be great.”

She set down the Tupperware in her hands, studying him from across the kitchen. “Why did you really come here tonight?”

He shuffled his feet. “I told you, the salsa.”

“You and I both know that you can make your own salsa. Do you really think I raised five children and don’t know when I’m being lied to?”

“It’s nothing,” he said, even though he could feel his grip on his emotions weakening under the weight of her gaze. The words coming out of his mouth didn’t even sound like him. “Just salsa.”

She put her hands on her hips, her eyes soft, gentle, inviting. “Talk to me mi amor. Tell me what’s hurting you.”

His eyes found the table again. The table where she’d cared for him and his sisters and anyone else who had walked through their door. The table that meant home and love and family. The table where she’d bandaged his skinned knee and wiped away his tears when he was six, where she’d consoled him at age twelve when Teresa had left for college, where she’d hugged him tightly when his team had lost the state championship his junior year of high school.

He’d spent hours in this kitchen being consoled by his mother when he was at his absolute lowest, and it had called him here tonight once again. He was broken and she was his mom and he needed her right now.

“Mama, T.K. and I—we—” He was finally ready to speak, but in this moment he found there were no words. Not a single one that could explain the agony inside him. 

A choked sob burst out and once the dam broke he couldn’t stop it. He clutched at the counter, tears falling freely, gasping for air that refused to fill his lungs, everything inside of him pouring out on a wave of anguishing heartbreak.

“Oh Carlitos,” she said, with all the sympathy of a mother who feels every pain her child has as if it’s her own.

She gathered him into her arms as if he were a kid again, holding him while he cried, while he finally released all of the pent up grief and broken dreams. 

“I just thought,” he managed after a while, his voice weak and pained. “I thought he was the one. I thought we were forever. And I was—I was wrong.”

She reached out and brushed a curl from his forehead. “Just because things are not working now, does not mean you were wrong.”

Carlos shook his head. “Dad is always telling me to trust my gut, and I thought I was. It felt real. And now it feels like it was a lie. That I lied to myself the entire time, seeing things that weren’t really there.”

“Oh mijo, just because you are hurting, doesn’t mean it was a lie. It’s because you are hurting that you know it was true. If the love hadn’t been real, you would not feel so sad that it’s gone.” She squeezed his arm. “Tell me what happened.”

This time the words came, haltingly at first, then faster, spilling out of him as if they’d spent the last two weeks trying to escape and were finally free of the confines of his body. He’d been falling for days and his mother had provided him with a soft place to land. 

“There’s just no working it out this time,” he said when he was done, voice hoarse from speaking and exhaustion. “We’re broken. I’ve lost him.”

“If I could give you all the answers and take your pain away, I would,” Andrea told him. “I would give you the heart out of my body if you needed it, but since I cannot fix this for you I will simply tell you this: Lost things can be found again.” She put her hands on his cheeks. “And broken things can be mended.” She kissed his forehead. “Stay tonight. You shouldn’t drive home like this.”

She turned away and opened the fridge. “Sit. I have lasagna. You need to eat something. What would Tía Maria say if she saw you like this? She would tell me I’m a bad mother for letting you starve.”

His world was falling apart and his mother offered lasagna. Because Andrea Reyes believed all problems looked a little less problematic when you had eaten something and been told how much she loved you. 

Tonight he wasn’t sure it was going to work. But it was less miserable than being alone in his car. At least it felt like home. 

[brawlingdiscontent]

the men of metal, menacing with golden face, 3/?

a.k.a sequel to terrible with the brightness of gold

(cherik fic, viking au, subtle a/b/o, mature rating)

(part one) (part two)

Hi all, I am so sorry for the space between these updates! - I am so close to finishing my PhD (not in any history or medieval studies field, lol) and things are just really hectic with revisions, publications and syllabi, etc.

A reminder that the last chapter (from 5000 years ago) ended with Charles being graphically/violently threatened by a mysterious man. (See the link above if you’d like to re-read it.

Warnings: Slightly gory description, mentions/implications of violence and sexual assault, child death (not Charles’ kids)

----

In the end, they don't set off that afternoon. 

It’s decided in a council, a strategy meeting that Charles is not invited to, and reported to him curtly by Lehnsherr later that day that if they start off early enough it’s only most of a day’s ride to Eoforowic, and is the preferable alternative to the vulnerability of camping overnight. 

He sees almost no one before the Danish king returns to the tent bearing an evening meal. 

The man in question has forgone the advisors and trailing pages, leaving his subordinates behind for the night, as no loud voices or other signs announce his arrival. The denizens of the camp are likely off savouring the hours of daylight that remain in varied nefarious ways.  The long summer nights are not yet over, but in the tent it’s darker, shadowed but not yet dim enough to warrant a candle or fat lamp. The canvas walls seem to glow faintly with the strange quality of early evening light.

Charles has arranged himself in a defensive position, seated at the small table on the lone chair facing the tent flap. He took advantage of his time alone to redistribute a number of the furs from the main pile, making the corner where he intends once again to sleep more comfortable and well-padded. Together with the extra things Alex brought him--when, under the watchful eyes of the guards, they risked exchanging only a nod to confirm his task’s success--he fashioned a warm berth for himself. His current placement, with its slight chill, is a tactical necessity. He straightens in the hard, wooden seat. It’s best to avoid being caught in a prone position lest Lehnsherr take it as an invitation. 

When he enters, Lehsherr carries in two rough-hewn, steaming wooden bowls balanced atop an extra stool. 

“You must be hungry.” 

Charles scans him for ulterior motives, finding none for now. He hasn’t eaten since the food that was left for him this morning, but can’t seem to muster up much of an appetite. 

“Yes. Thank you,” he says anyway. He needs to keep his strength up. 

Lehnsherr sets the bowls on the small table, nudging one slightly towards Charles, and the stool beside it. He then turns away, once again going through the routine of divesting himself of his gear. If he notices or has any feelings about Charles’ rearrangement of his space he says nothing, leaving Charles to return to his own thoughts.

That afternoon, after the monstrous man retreated, slinking off to some other part of the camp while Charles stood shaken, Charles’ guards had suddenly and conspicuously reappeared.

As he was escorted back to Lehnsherr’s tent, Charles had, briefly, turned over the possibility of telling him what happened. Of what could be construed as nothing other than a violent threat. But the man hadn’t actually done anything, hadn’t even touched Charles. And what, even, were the chances that Lehnsherr would believe him—or that he would care? In any case what exactly could he expect the Dane to do? The bear-man, whoever he is, must be powerful, as he contrived some way—whether by bribery or sheer command—to send the guards away from their positions outside the tent. 

—Or, the thought had occurred to him, both disturbing and the most plausible yet, perhaps Lehnsherr had sent the man to threaten him, to warn him off and keep him in line. It is this possibility that is nearest in his mind as Lehnsherr wanders the tent.

“I trust you found your men well?” Lehnsherr questions, not turning from where he is folding his gambeson.

Charles contemplates several responses. Acerbic: ‘Alive would be a more accurate understanding.’ Another part of him wants to respond in anger, Logan’s blackened eye, the morning’s events, urging him to confront and accuse Lehnsherr. It’s an urge he knows is at least partly the product of fear. He presses his palms flat against the wood of the table and feels its uneven surface press back. In the end, exhausted, and unwilling to cause a fuss, he settles on, “I did,” then turns towards the bowl before him.

The food is hot, rabbit this time. Likely commandeered from one of the many the braziers and fire pits that dot the camp as he doubts Lehnsherr has had time for hunting. It is good, and Charles feels some appetite flare again, even when Lehnsherr has divested enough weapons and layers and joins him at the table.

A silence falls between them, not exactly awkward, but not quite comfortable either. On Charles’ end, it stems from reservation. Lehnsherr, conversely, seems content not to speak.

Charles steals surreptitious glances between bites. He studies the lines of the other man’s face trying to puzzle him out as the shadows in the tent begin to lengthen. 

He’s a man become even more confusing and inscrutable after the day’s events. If Lehnsherr had sent that beast of a man to threaten him in place of doing so himself, it speaks to a capacity for sophisticated psychological manipulation, one that goes beyond and complicates his reputation for sheer brutality. For all of Charles’ careful planning he hadn’t seriously considered the possibility that Lehnsherr might be worse than Shaw. He needs to know who he’s—getting into bed with, his mind supplies—getting involved with. Only then can he have any hope to defend himself. For who can say what will happen to whatever appeal he has—the tenuous sexual hold that had checked Lehnsherr the night before—once Lehnsherr finally gets what he wants and is sated. What then can Charles possibly do to hold him back, should he prove monstrous? 

He must have been more transparent in his observation than he realized, an act which once again is misinterpreted. 

“Relax, your Highness.” Lehnsherr says.  “I’ll honour your wish to wait. I won’t touch you.”  

“Until we are married,” Charles says aloud if only to remind himself, tracking with his eyes the slow advance of a line of shadow across the table.

“Until we are married,” Lehnsherr agrees, his voice carrying notes of something that has Charles turning back studiously to his food to avoid analyzing.

...

The sun is just ghosting above the horizon when they assemble to head off the next morning, gently bathing the plain in its orange-red glow. There’s a morning chill carried in the wind that batters at Charles’ cheeks. It wipes away the bleariness of the early hour, and makes him glad that extra furs were among the items that he’d requested Alex fetch. And yet the last edges of summer are holding on; it’s nothing compared to the winter they’ll face once the seasons change and even the memories of warmth fade.

Lehnsherr had woken him just before dawn, and they’d had a hurried breakfast in the tent by the light of a flickering taper. More of the flat, dry bread and some of the season’s last berries, foraged from a nearby bush.

They’ll be going overland to Eoforwic. It’s the slower route than sailing up the coast, which tells Charles that either Lehnsherr doesn’t want their journey observed or reported, or that he’s uncertain of what awaits them in Eoforwic.

Scanning the group, Charles counts about fifty gathered, all told. Enough to defend themselves if it came down to it, but still a small enough party to travel relatively unobtrusively. 

His horse gives a restless shuffle, tugging gently on the reins in his hands. A nobleman's former mount, certainly. Fine little features stand out in the saddle, tack, and gear. The rivets in the saddle bags are detailed in a star motif, points radiating out in blades of light, as only the very wealthy could afford. It was probably scavenged from its slain owner, or, optimistically, was given up by a defeated city relinquishing its riches. Londres had given up several hundred horses in the surrender.  

Lehnsherr, who’d gone off on an unnamed errand after seeing Charles matched with a horse, approaches once more. He’s leading not only a horse of his own, but a woman. Charles recognizes her dark eyes and small stature from the previous morning. 

“Charles,” Lehnsherr says without ceremony, “this is Angel. She’s here to assist you.”

He looks back over at her, as she returns his gaze placidly. Assist him? The road, travelling rough as they are, is no place for an attendant. Then, focusing on her smooth expression, it all clicks into place.

Assist him. Ha. More like spy on him. He quickly re-assesses the meeting he interrupted yesterday as an intelligence report. Interesting. Sebastian, with his more traditionalist views, would likely not have thought to assign such a job to a beta or omega woman. 

He manages, “a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Angel.” It’s a lie, of course, but Charles was raised with manners, and she can’t help the assignment she's been tasked with. While Charles is fairly confident in his charm,  Angel proves just as enigmatic as her commander, offering merely a hint of a smile and a raised eyebrow before turning to see to her own mount.

With eyes on him secured, Lehnsherr seems relatively content to leave him alone, as he heads up towards the front of the column to rally the troops.

They set off, and Charles easily falls towards the back of the group, ghosted by Angel. If he had any remaining doubts about her occupation, they dissipate after watching her subte, silent moments, even on horseback.

Travelling en masse, they alternate bursts of speed with walking breaks to keep a sustainable pace for the horses.

He is content to pass the first canter course just relishing the abandon of the pace, the uneven terrain below the horses’ hooves. The sun gradually climbs higher until he can feel the warmth of it on his hair, and the wind blows across his face. He basks in the experience of being out in the open, running wild (if not free) after six months of siege. 

The dusty roadside is lined here and there with dots of blue chicory, long stems stretching up tenaciously towards the sky. A flock of chaffinches, startled by their appearance, burst in flight. His spy, Angel, seems to have melted away into the group, perhaps prefering to operate in her usual mode when her targets don’t know she’s there. It is tempting to forget the circumstances and enjoy the moment. 

But Charles is too pragmatic, hardened by bitter experience underlined by recent events, to let this lapse in Lehnsherr’s attention (Angel aside) go to waste.

In the first walking break, he looks around at the stragglers in the second half of the party for promising targets of some reconnaissance of his own. Just ahead and to his left are two burly men engaged in animated discussion. Inching subtly closer, he’s disappointed but not surprised to find that they’re speaking Danish. He has so little of the language, certainly not enough to make reliable sense of their discussion, but at the least perhaps listening might improve his facility. He listens amongst the glottal phrases for repeated sounds he might begin to decipher.

“It’s a blunt-tongued language, isn’t it?” a warm voice addresses Charles from slightly behind.

He starts and turns his body in the direction of the sound—as pleased to hear the softer tones of Saxon as he is startled at the sudden intrusion—to find another rider approaching on his right.

He’s a young man, a little younger than Charles from appearances, and clothed in unusual attire. A flat sort of cap, fashioned from a vibrant dark red material, adorns his head. His tunic, where it peeks through his furs, is woven of rich fabric: not over-ornamented, but of a quality far surpassing the coarse weaves and eclectic dress of the surrounding men. He carries himself with a cool confidence, perched lightly on his saddle, relaxed and much more poised than any other of Lehnsherr’s men.

Charles pulls gently at the reins, slowing his horse’s pace to allow the other man to draw even with him. 

Even as he takes him in, the clothing stirs a memory at the back of his mind of a childhood long ago; Muslim traders at the Norman court. The memory is an old one; Sebastian’s kingdom was an insular one and didn’t get on with outsiders, let alone cultured guests from the learned centres of the world. 

“Forgive me for startling you, Your Highness,” the man says. Despite Charles’ deliberate choice to leave his circlet behind at the tent, it seems that Lehnsherr’s scene in the banquet hall the other night has left him no chance of anonymity.

“That’s quite alright. Though, you seem to have me at a disadvantage.”

“The name’s Armando, sir.”

“Armando.” He says, rolling the name around in his mouth. “It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance.” It's the second time today he’s offered these words, but he finds he can be more sincere with them when not faced with a spy. “And what is your role here?” He’s a figure somewhat misplaced among the rough-and-tumble Danes. 

“I’m a physician. Born in Cordoba, and trained in Alexandria.” 

A frisson of excitement runs through Charles at this announcement. “You speak Saxon very well for an Andalusian. Better than myself, and I’ve been speaking it almost since birth.” 

“Thank you. Once I had the first few, the next languages came easily enough.” He switches into Norman for the second part of explanation to demonstrate.

“How many others do you speak?” 

“Fluently? I’d say seven--maybe eight.” He cracks a broad, warm smile at Charles’ astonishment. “What can I say? I’m adaptive.” 

Mindful of his spy close at hand, Charles yet can’t hide his delight to be in the company of a fellow seeker in the pursuit of knowledge, one with personal experience of the madrasas of the learned world at that. Despite this, he tries to rein himself in before his enthusiasm overwhelms his caution. After all, no matter how much he may seem a kindred spirit, he doesn’t know Armando nor his agenda. And, after seeing firsthand the danger that lurks in the camp, he’d be a fool to count himself safe. 

They settle into a comfortable rhythm. It’s in the next walking break that Charles, between probing questions about the scientific and medical developments out of Baghdad, catches sight of a head above the crowd. His heart stutters, and he almost jerks on the reins impulsively. Riding up at the front, near Lehnsherr, but a bit off to the side. He’s easy to spot, rising nearly head-and-shoulders above the men surrounding him, stature and bearskin robe unmistakable.

“Armando, what can you tell me about that man?”

Armando follows his gaze to the front of the party, and when he sees the man to whom Charles refers seems to hesitate. 

“He goes by the name of Sabretooth. He leads one of the strongest factions among the Danish warriors.” He pauses so long that Charles thinks he might have to prompt again, before continuing. “He and his supporters are known for their unyielding savagery in battle. I’ve only ever seen the aftermath.” Armando looks towards the riders at the front, squinting into the midday sun at the outline of the man in question. His words seem improbably incongruous in the brightness of the day. “Going into battle they consume a potion to free them of inhibitions and drive away all traces of remorse. Many of his followers file their teeth, supposedly to more easily rend the flesh of their enemies. Except Sabretooth himself who they say likes the challenge of a duller edge.” 

Charles masks his disquiet with a wry remark. “No doubt a firm favourite of his Grace.” He had heard tell of such stories, whispers of viking cannibals, but had always assumed them to be over-inflations of reality. 

“You’re wrong about that, actually.” 

He looks back over, surprised. 

“I have the sense—mind you, this is just my perception—that His Grace dislikes him very much.”

Charles thinks on this. Armando’s explanation would seem to square with the disagreement he witnessed back at the camp. Furthermore, the man—Sabretooth—seems prone to unpredictable violence, of a sort that might irk someone as careful and controlled as Lehnsherr. And yet—

“If that's the case, why invite him on such a party?

Armando takes a moment to respond, looking between the two riders up ahead. “There’s a common saying in Alexandria. It translates roughly to: a wise man holds his enemies close to his breast but far from his heart.”  

Charles nods in agreement as he notes the appropriateness of it, thinking of the justification he had used to convince Lehnsherr to take him along even as he once again reconfigures his knowledge of the man. He, too, is an enemy Lehnsherr has held close. But before he can take the train of thought much further, the low blast of a horn signals the return to a canter, and it’s lost in the clatter of advancing hooves.

…

In the late afternoon, the first sign of smoke on the horizon alerts them. It curls above the treetops a little ways off the road. Too dense and heavy to be from a cooking fire. 

The nearby homestead is set back from the road, but after the party halts at another horn blast a few riders break away from the pack in its direction. Charles pulls his horse past the crowd of remaining men and follows after them.

It’s a desolate scene. What was formerly a cottage now smouldering ashes but for the charred edges of a door frame still standing. The field of crops outside is churned up and scattered. Crushed stalks of barley that were trodden under horses’ hooves are beaten into the mud. A handful of slaughtered animals lie along the path. But what is most evident is the woman crouched in front of the remains of the house, keening in grief. Her ragged dress is torn, at her side a small child with a soot in their hair and clothes.

Lehnsherr has already dismounted, handed off his reins to another rider in order to survey the scene. Charles follows suit without a thought, and once he gets closer, it unfolds before him tragic inevitability.

He sees the dead man lying a few feet away from the woman and child, his grotesquely splayed body telling the story of his violent end. Then, clutched in the woman’s arms, a boy. A mere child, perhaps thirteen summers. His small eyes are closed almost peacefully, his forehead smeared with clotted blood. 

Armando, who has followed Charles from the road, is quick to be rallied to aid. 

Insensible in grief, the woman seems to barely register their presence as they cautiously approach. The young child, likely too small to comprehend the events that have taken place, tugs on her dress to get her attention, until she at last looks up at them. Her gaze is empty as one beyond reach, already crossed over to the next world.

It strikes Charles deeply, who freezes, feeling her disconnection mirrored in his own. Dissociation is a strategy he’s used to make himself hard, hiding his emotions in a fortress to protect them from a scene that has and will continue to play out countless times across the countryside. Recognizing it now in this woman, he’s struck by its haunting unnaturalness, the hollowness it invokes.

Armando, who had gently nudged the woman aside to conduct an examination, looks up and shakes his head. 

The young child shrieks suddenly, drawing back and cowering behind their mother, who, past caring, doesn’t noticeably react. The cause is soon clear: having finished attentively examining the scene and damage, Lehnsherr is making his way over. To his credit, in response to the child’s dismay he slows his approach and spreads his hands wide in the universal symbol of non-aggression. It’s the only reason that Charles makes no move to stop him as he nears the woman and child, and crouches down.

Charles watches as he starts a conversation in Saxon, gently asking a question or two. He thinks he hears Lehnsherr quietly mutter a few words following the woman’s stilted responses. Then the man pulls an aged leather drawstring pouch from somewhere on his person, and produces several small, glinting coins which he hands to the woman.

A weregild.

Blood price for so much death and evil, paid for with some mere pieces of metal. He rails internally at his own impotence, safe behind a palace wall while people are suffering; dying. And at the authors of the violence, as Lehnsherr’s actions here have surely confirmed, the very men he rides with. 

He’s overwhelmed by a helpless rage that washes over him like a tide. 

“A few coins” the words come out flat, subdued. “Do you think they can repair the loss of a husband, bring back her child?” It’s an accusation but empty, anger deserting him as quickly as it arrived for a dull hopelessness. 

Lehnsherr turns to him, delayed. His gaze is a bit distant, as though he’d forgotten Charles was there.

“It will bring them food,” he says levelly, “buy them shelter for the winter. Nothing can bring back the dead.”

Charles stands there for an indeterminable span of time, consumed by the endless cruelties of men. By this tangible reminder of the pain caused and lives lost to men—no, not men, beasts, seeking only personal glory, an enrichment of power.

“You generals and your wars,” he says coldly and turns away, the smoke still stinging in his eyes.