#✞ . . just because we are bigger doesn't mean we should hurt them / child.

[witchspeka]

I dont think Mob is naive as much as he's socially unaware, like the reason why he trusts Reigen so blindly is a bit more complex than just him being naive

Cause Mob reached out to Reigen because he was desperate to find someone like him, someone who understood his psychic specific issues, someone that could truly know what he's feeling and going through and give him guidance and support

Post incident Mob's thinking process was something along the lines of my powers hurt people -> my powers are bad -> my powers (my emotions, my instincts, myself) cannot be trusted

So he lost all confidence and trust in his own actions, resigning to being as passive as possible to avoid any further damage to anyone else, thus he started doubting his own perception of reality too

He's a kid already struggling with being ostracised for being socially inept, who just got traumatised and all of his insecurity increased by the tenfold, he doesn't know how to process what he's going through. He needs help.

And here comes Reigen, seemingly reliable, a responsible adult in a child's eyes, someone who claims he can understand him

Even tho Reigen doesnt. But it doesn't matter, because Mob finds comfort in his words and takes them to heart

Even if Reigen doesn't fully get it, even if he doesn't see the bigger picture, even if his advice isn't always the best

Eventually, Mob grows up, realises Reigen isn't as honest as he seemed through his 11 year old perspective, but like most things, he refuses to acknowledge it on a deeper level

Mob knows, but never tells Reigen, never thinks about what all those lies mean to him (ofc until he forces himself to face those doubts regarding Reigen, to properly acknowledge both of their flaws and accept them as they are, I should scream into the void about Confession Arc more God)

Due to his lack of trust in himself, Mob has relied on Reigen for years now to shape his moral compass, his thoughts, his decisions

Because well, Reigen lies, sure, but he isnt a bad person. When he hurts Mob, it isn't intentional or with ill intent, he still wants the best for him, what's the issue?

Except that it stunts Mob's growth. He doesn't develop as a person, doesn't have goals or wishes or ambitions, can't make choices on his own, he doesn't even let himself acknowledge his own emotions, he refuses to let himself exist

But Mob realises in time that he wants more than that, he wants to become better and be independent and feel again

Still, he puts the acknowledgement of the lies on hold for as long as he can, unwilling to question the way things are

This can make him feel a little naive, he constantly relies on Reigen and trusts his decisions and raises questions rarely until separation arc when he finally puts his foot down

And I do think that moment is the most resounding proof we have that Mob knows and allows himself to be used by Reigen, not wanting to shake the status quo, until he gets fed up

I mentioned the social ineptitude at the beggining but idk if I should even elaborate on that, you've watched the show, you know what I mean

He's blunt and can't read social cues or tonality that well and can't speak in front of crowds and is overall pretty awkward and I do think some people conflate that with naivety

Mob is still a child, he doesnt fully understand how the world works at the ripe age of 14 years old, but some folks take that as him being inherently naive/innocent/whatever which I don't find true

[anxious-witch]

Part two of me analyzing Damon Baker's photoshoot, this time, Kris' pictures.

As in the first post, this is my subjective opinion, you don't have to agree with me. Text under the cut, because this one is going to be REALLY long

Edit: I should have posted this one yesterday and Bojan's today but alas. Bojan will probably get another post for additional pictures at soke point today or tomorrow

So, starting off strong

Right from the get go, we get very unconventional way to portray a man. Damon clearly loves playing with gender roles, which showcases here by putting a headscarf and makeup on Kris. Interestingly, Kris is not looking into the camera here. He is being observed, but is not observing back just yet, as if letting us get used to this way of seeing him.

Another thing that I find interesting about this picture is how he appears almost messy? His hair is messy as well, the only thing the only peace of clothing we see him wear here is the headscarf. Like "look at me, I am naked exceot for this. Onserve it and feel it". It makes me recall that interview where he said he was called a girl a lot when he was younger and before he cut his hair. It's like here, he, it's a callback to that and this time, he is impassive to the reaction. He is simply letting himself be observed.

I think these two, are meant to focus on making Kris come to terms with the fact that he is allowed to be vulnerable. He is not in his full confidence yet, in the bigger picture he is once again, not looking into the camera, and his pose doesn't look entirely comfortable. His arm is bend in a way that looks more like he is hiding his hand than that he is using it to lean on something. His shirt is partially unbuttoned and we see a bit of his necklace, but we can't see the heart on it.

In the smaller picture, he looks more natural. As if he was caught mid-movement while talking, his gaze focused on the the person he is talking to. His pose is more masculine here as well, in comparison. His chin is up and he is taking up more space.

This one is so good. Kris has his arms wrapped around himself, but not completely and he isn't tense. It gives off a sense of someone doing something out if their comfort zone, but still trusting the person to not let him get hurt in such a vulnerable position. Much more comfortable position than the two pictures above, as if he is slowly relaxing into his role.

Perhaps an even more open show of vulnerability, Kris is looking directly into the camera, his eyes half lidded, as he is about to fall asleep, lulled in a sense if safety.

His legs and feet are bare, he is only wearing his underwear and a light white shirt. There is no makeup here, either, all that is shown here is Kris, in a almost childlike manner, especially in this pose.

Even the flower, despite suspecting it's ranunculus flower, that means charm and attraction, takes on a more innocent role here. This pictures is very soft, and I got the vibe that it almost represents Kris' inner child that never got to be vulnerable in his femininity. That he could not be a man and still be feminine, but here he gets to experience it without judgment.

So these four I paired up because they communicate a lot with one another, which is also why I think Kris put them in a separate post.

In these four, I feel like Damon really wanted to play with androgyny of Kris' features. In the first picture, Kris has a stockier pose, his chin is positioned higher and he is looking away from the camera. His stare is more sensual here, almost flirty. He definitely embodies more masculine, energy in which he is more comfortable due to him being used to being seen that way.

In the second one, it's a similar pose, but Kris' hand moved lower, so it almost looks like he is playing with his hair. His eyes are more open and vulnerable and he is also looking away from the camera. It reminds me of the picture "Wanderer above the Sea of Fog", not because they look similar, but they kind of give me a similar vibe, if that makes sense? Someone gazing into something far away, out of their reach.

Also Kris' eyes are so expressive here, I almost feel like I am seeing something private that I shouldn't be seeing.

Important to note that his heart necklace is at full display at the first three pictures.

In the third one, he has the most feminine pose. His chin is positioned lower, and his arm is more in the shadow than in the first picture, making him appear smaller. He is gazing directly at the camera, and one can practically feel his vulnerability.

It feels like these three are a progression of one another. Of Kris subtly shifting from his more masculine to more feminine expression, like he is lowering a shield of what we are expected to see vs what he wants to show.

This doesn't feel childlike like the picture with the flower, though. This is Kris showing he grew enough to know being vulnerable is fine, even when one is grown and I think that's beautiful. I love the way Damon played with how subtle difference in poses, light and expression can change sm.

The fourth picture I feel is truly a balance of masculine and feminine energy from the previous three. Kris isn't hiding his hands, which we have seen a lot in this photoshoot, they are on clear display. He is showing his hand, so to speak, but also, his hands are those of a guiarist and of a man and that doesn't make them any less beautiful.

His hair is messy and covering his eyes, hiding the most vulnerable part of him, but he also seems much more relaxed, almost as if he isn't posing. His chin is lowered and his head is titled to the side, coding it as a more feminine pose.

Despite the hair hiding his eyes, I am pretty sure they are open? Or at least, it's giving the effect of him gazing back at the viewer, observing them as much as they are observing him.

And last but not least, Kris' picture in color. And my god, what a picture to finish off with.

We have the element of water, which is very often associated with feelings. Water flows freely, but it also cleans and cleanses of anything stagnant left on us.

The closeup of Kris' face with a golden eyeshadow is just beautiful. It's messy, but we can now see that it's messy on purpose. As I said before, it reminds me of the makeup trend young girls used to do, where they would experiment with makeup before a shower. That way, they could let themselves be as creative as they liked and try more unconventional makeup, because they would take a shower immediately after and no one but them would see it.

This gives me the similar vibe, with Kris letting himself experiment with femininity again, the water running over his face representing his letting his feelings flow freely again.

All in all, I absolutely adored this, Kris is certainly an amazing model and I love that Damon was very creative with his photoshoot. If anyone wants to add any other thoughts they have, feel free to, I love hearing other people's opinions on this!

[tiredmamaissy]

Writing smut about Neteyam is just wrong. Even if he is aged up, doing that so you can write it is still weird. Stick to Jake Sully and adults, but this isn’t right. Don’t ignore this.

Aging Up of Characters

All characters in my literature are adults, in terran and human years. Meaning, when I'm writing them I see them as adults. Therefore, I will portray them as such - mentally, physically, culturally, etc. Although my blog is an nsfw blog, I include their character development outside of smut. Moreover, age isn't really counted on pandora. Na'vi age quicker than humans do and experience a plateau until their senior years (which they can live for well over a hundred years). What really matters to the na'vi is passing their iknimaya - that's what makes them an adult (ready for a mate, etc).

Anyways, this isn't necessarily my main point, but it's something to keep in mind going forward.

Now, I know James Cameron did such an amazing job at portraying these aliens in a light that us humans can really relate to them, didn't he? To the point where perhaps we could start applying our own laws to them. I guess that's why it's so hard for people to really differentiate the two species sometimes :) but, you know, the na'vi are humanoid aliens, after all. aliens that have their own way of life and biology? that live on another planet? that doesn't exist? are we forgetting that these are fictional characters or something?

Most importantly, their actors are of age, yes? Yes. So I don't personally see the issue here. I can distinguish that characters and actors are not synonymous, but my point is, if their actors were underage that would be a different story. Yes, I am also aware of their age when avatar was filmed. But, they grew up - much like their fictional characters will in the next movie. Everyone was once a child - everyone grows up.

I do my upmost best to tag my fictions properly and thoroughly. If there are any fictions that you feel I may not have tagged correctly, feel free to let me know. I have no issue with being corrected, I would honestly love to be corrected. My intention is never to cause harm to anyone. If you don't like this type of content - which is totally fine and your right - I strongly recommend you avoid consuming it. Especially if it's triggering. You'll have my respect if I have yours.

Anyways, I do hear you, though. I understand it, even. You're entitled to your opinion, as am I. I mean no harm to anyone, and thankfully because the characters I'm writing about are fictional - fake, it won't harm them either. No pressure to look at my (extremely nsfw) blog or to read my (heavily warned) content - you definitely have a choice here.

But here's my (also unsolicited) advice:

Remind yourself that these are fictional characters. They don't exist :) Meaning no one here is being hurt or harmed in anyway. Take a deep breath and find comfort in that. Please also remember, that there are much bigger, and better things to worry and advocate about. To be clear - yes, pedophilia is a serious issue. But, throwing around such a word when regarding aged up fake characters from a movie really dilutes it and is disrespectful to the real life victims of pedophilia as well as other victims of sexual abuse, child porn, human trafficking, slavery.. unfortunately the list goes on. These are the people that need to be advocated for. So, I would strongly encourage you to channel your passion to advocate for real life matters - not blue, fictional aliens. Because truthfully, me and my blue alien fictions should not have this magnitude of an effect on you for you to seek me out and take time out of your day to message me about it.

To conclude, I will not be engaging in any further discussions relating to this topic. This is my perspective. If you don’t share a similar one, that’s fine. Do not engage with my explicit content, especially if you are under 18. I feel very strongly about this. My content is intended for adult consumption only as it contains explicit adult themes pertaining but not limited to - pregnancy, birth, sex, dub-con/dark themes, heats/ruts, etc. If you are a minor messaging me about these things you should not be here in the first place. All further comments & messages will be disregarded and blocked.

'nuff love,

issy.

--

[hezuart]

Hezu, do you think it's possible to actually redeem the diamonds in Steven universe?

How would you do it?

Or would you not redeem them at all?

Oh well See, when I was watching the series, they made it clear that Blue and Yellow were going to be redeemed pretty early on.

They did a ton of bad stuff and thought in a poor way, but it was all blamed on White Diamond. Yellow and Blue were afraid of her for a reason. Yellow said everything she's done (destroy planets and kill biologics) is because White Diamond asked it of her. But Yellow was never good enough or praised for it. It was just expected, and if she fell out of line, she could be punished. Blue says they used to be close, at least, that's what she thought until she realized Pink Diamond was trying to make them better. Make them happier. She admits they aren't a happy family, maybe they never were. Blue confesses she's miserable, and she doesn't want to enforce White's rules anymore. When Stevonnie fuses in front of the Gala, it's clear that White Diamond is the most upset by this. Blue and Yellow whisper yell at them, in shock at the "inappropriate fusion". But it's clear that White Diamond is the one who enforced all this. She's the one who is constantly talking about "perfection" and "off-color". If you aren't pure white, a collection of every color, then you have a flaw. If you have to fuse, you are flawed and trying to be bigger and better by collecting other gems or colors. If your body is flawed, you must have limb enhancers to meet our standards. It's all White Diamond. Blue and Yellow were so adamant, everything was being pushed on White Diamond. She was the Queen enforcer. AND, if the other Diamonds didn't do what she said, SHE COULD LITERALLY STEAL THEIR FREE WILL FROM THEM AND CONTROL THEM LIKE PUPPETS.

White Diamond, is so genuinely fucked up on so many levels. She's also the one who manipulated Steven's mind, she hurt Pink Diamond and the others immensely, and she also almost killed Steven. Everything bad in Gem society was pushed to be HER fault. She started all of this, even if she herself maybe didn't actively participate. She's the catalyst.

And she gets redeemed because Steven told a joke (that actually, White Diamond shouldn't understand. There is no concept of children in gem society. They burst out of the ground, and that is how they are, they already know what they're supposed to be and do, and they will be like that forever. Calling Steven a "child" doesn't seem like something any gem should ever say except for those who stayed on Earth. White Diamond maybe looked at his memories, but even so, that shouldn't have been the first thing to come to her mind.)

The fact that she thinks she is "flawed" when she turns pink is also strange. Pink is not an official color of light. White says "Pink is a part of me that I must repress" already??? Kind of admitting?? Pink is like/// part of her??? And a flaw?? Her entire wording is really confusing and I don't understand what Rebecca was trying to make her say here. We never really established color importance in gem society until White Diamond. And if you don't understand the current science of it, you'll be pretty lost, and even then, I still don't understand what the hell White Diamond's reasoning is. Shouldn't we have a color-inferior class in society then? If she thinks White Gems are superior for absorbing all colors? Does that mean multi-colored gems are the lowest for being unable to absorb any of the colors? It doesn't make sense to me. You cannot turn back thousands of years of abuse, fusionphobia, colorism(???), mass genocide, and societal oppression with a joke. You can't do that. White Diamond just changes herself at the flip of a coin. She BLUSHES and goes through an existential crisis. And somehow, instead of getting defensive and doubling down like a proper narcissistic person would, she miraculously changes.

But actually, she doesn't. She still thinks biologics are disgusting. She's still awkward around fusions. She still thinks Steven belongs with her despite what she did to him. She thinks she can redeem herself by making people control her instead (and she is big, and beautiful, and perfect, and powerful, so she's just helping people be HER for a day so they can feel CONFIDENT .... wtf is this. Yellow Diamond is slaving away, physically piecing the shattered remains of gems back together to reverse her fucked up experiments one by one. Blue Diamond is offering therapy to those she has mentally affected in the past. White Diamond saying "here, control ME" is like... I don't see how this is supposed to help someone. Especially when we see Steven. Controlling someone who abused you in the past isn't healthy. That's just leaving them open to abuse your abuser. )

Sorry I rambled but long story short

Yellow and Blue's redemption is believable.

White's is not. White Diamond should have either gone insane and been locked up or bubbled away. This show has redeemed everyone, but not everyone WANTS to be redeemed. White has burned every bridge, and I don't think it's fair to rebuild them when she has not truly changed. She hasn't earned a redemption because she doesn't feel like she's actually changed or even really wants to. Steven Universe has erased every consequence to every action. Every single thing is fixable, (except Pink Diamond's death, which, by their logic is ironically ALSO VERY FIXABLE, but they pretend its not. They wanna have their cake and eat it too I guess)

But if you remove consequences and damage to people, you would just have chaos. No one can die. Any quarrels are temporary in the wake of immortals.

White Diamond should not have been redeemed.

[northwest-cryptid]

i am going to tell you the hopkins lore i pulled out of my ass. this isnt canon

i think hopkins isnt. really all that awful to be honest. objectively hes just. average for the city. hes seen as awful because hes an obstacle to the player, but like. his crime is stealing enkephalin and fucking off, while fucking over his coworker he didnt really like

i see ppl who say he doesnt care about aya which is probably intended by projmoon but i see it less as that and more he doesnt really...want to express emotions in front of the limbus crew? he openly mocks yuri and the sinners dying and does not hesitate to stab them in the back right after aya dies

and he doesnt mock aya when she dies. actually he barely says anything at all that isnt about dante not being able to speak. hes completely silent otherwise. which could be because of yuri freaking out but he usually pokes at yuri?

so to me i think he did care, he just didnt want to show weakness. is he an ass? yeah, but hes not uniquely an ass. hes just normal for the city, and honestly he makes a good point about the sinners going in entirely unprepared for anything lol

I cannot tell you how much I appreciate the opening sentence to this all because telling me straight up "this is a product of my own thoughts" helps a ton!

Also yea go off fam, I don't mind this sort of thing when I know what I'm dealing with. It's the mix of fandomization with actual facts of the canon narrative sprinkled in just enough to be confusing that bugs me.

Also I don't recognize the name, but I love the point of like "sure this person is an asshole but there's nothing about him that is actually worse than anyone else in the city."

I think that's something a lot of people forget about the Proj Moon universe. We sorta view it like it's our world but just different, if we lived in the city we'd all do what we needed to in order to survive.

I'm not a violent person, I have no reason to kill or hurt anyone and considering the world we live in I likely, hopefully; never will. However if I lived in the city I'd absolutely carry weapons regularly and I'd live by the core rules of "kill them before they can kill you" and "never leave yourself vulnerable" like hell Roland was arguably a saint compared to most since a lot of what he did, he did for the reasons of living a better life with his wife and child where they'd be safe and we all know how that turned out for him so like...

The city is not "Earth with our current society but a little different and quirky" it's a society where people do shitty things on the regular just to get by, to survive at the bare minimum.

If we judge individuals of that universe using their in world circumstances it's actually interesting how people who in our world would be shitty horrible awful no good people are basically your run of the mill asshole no different from that Karen at starbucks who yells at the barista, is that a horrible asshole thing to do? Absolutely, but it doesn't mean I think said Karen deserves like, death or something; she's just a dick but that's not like uniquely dickish.

By Proj Moon standards this dude sounds like a petty thief and a dick at worst, not like some super villain who's experimenting on children or murdering people for the sake of their own enjoyment and empowerment. Sure it sounds like he's a manipulative asshole but he's not AYIN or like, any of the Ensemble who arguably were bigger dicks for their actions (outside of victims like Philip who turned to the Ensemble for arguably sad reasons and yes should still be held accountable for their shitty behavior but weren't as bad as say the lady who wanted to kill people because only the strong deserve to live or some shit.)

[yunessa]

Thanks for the tag @dujour13 ! This was a lot of fun. You might want to wait until chapter 23 Dujour because these are big spoilers.

Tag game: Give your KC’s first impression and final opinion of each of their companions!

Yunessa's (not spoiler-free) hot takes:

First impressions

Seelah – A paladin with a sense of humour that likes to drink at a bar and joke around? I've never said 'my kind of paladin' about well, any of them. But I think I can now.

Camellia – Not friendly or quite... approachable. But reliable despite the circumstances we met.

Lann – You deserve a life where what you love doesn't choke you to death slowly,

Wenduag – She hurt children. I don't care what else she did or wants- I have no mercy for her.

Woljif – He'd sell me a bridge in Drezen. But he's friendly and he didn't leave when we helped him... I enjoy his company.

Ember – A lost not-child. I;m glad she wants to stay with me too.

Daeran – Do I have a weakness for blondes? Better put that away. He's sharp tongued, but he's funny and I like his company.

Nenio – I have a name. Use it.

Ulbrig – Strange man, meets a strange new land. What do you think awaits you beyond these walls?

Galfrey – What do you say to the statues of the past? She has more faith in me than I think she should.

Finnean- Dear friend! A reminder I'm not as normal as I desperatly hoped. Maybe we can do something to help you in the future.

Sosiel – He makes me feel like I could complain about anything and find reassurance in the most baseless of complaints. Why is a priest of Shelyn in armor and smiling so brightly in this war?

Regill – I see you Paralictor. You fill a space bigger than most people thrice your size and you're unapologetic about it. What lays between the lines?

Trever – What did I do, that you would do everything I asked of you with naught but a glance? Only a word, but you seem like you'd go to the Hells and back if I desired.

Arueshalae – Do I trust you or the illusion your aura inspires? Desna or not, I don't know. But if you're here- maybe there's a reason I donn't know yet.

Greybor – Rough edges. Smoking by a fire. A gravelly voice talking as I go to sleep. Will you be the death of me if I trust in your paper contract more than the next big offer for my head? Why not?

Aivu – You are far to small and guileless for a world so cold and cruel.

Decades later (Several deaths and restarts later) but not quite the end.

Seelah –My shield against the end. Deserving of more than her goddess gives her. She deserves all the good things I could have never given her over these years. Seelah, if you wanted something, I would have broken Drezen to get it for you.

Camellia – Murderer. Monster. If you only stayed your hand then I would have never had to use mine. I have no ill will, but I have to protect those that matter to me, no matter how often we've met beneath the tunnels.

Lann – Do you fall in love with anyone who falls into the tunnels Lann? I see the eyes you give me when my back is turned. I see the way you act. Was I to kind? Not firm enough? I fear for the end of this, that you won't seek someone else and will just pine for me. If nothing else Lann- I'm an elf. Did your mother's story not warn you of how long we outlive what we love? My dear friend, what should I do when you fail to see the forest through the trees?

Wenduag – Every time I see you, I want you dead. I've never killed children. Not now, not when this started. But you always admit to it so casually. So easily. When did the lives of those that looked up to you truly lose meaning? Why would you hurt someone who thinks you're tall enough to reach the sky? What's worth ruling in the tunnels when there's freedom above?

Woljif – You held your hands to my throat when I died. You cried. You were the reason I started doing this and now- I just want a world where you can thrive. You cared and because you cared I found a reason to keep getting up again. I don't know what would make you happiest- but you deserve a chance to have the world. Ready to be looted or explored.

Ember – I want you to grow up and heal. But in a world where this crusade goes on, can you? I can't answer for you. You can remain a not-child, a child- whatever you want Ember, I'll not only ruin Drezen if it keeps you happy, but do whatever I can for you. You deserve more than what this pitiful bard can give you.

Daeran – My heart. My other half! All I need is your shoulder and the worst of my pains will ebb away. Your hand caressing my hair, your words- If no other reason, you're why I keep trying at the end of the day. Even when I'm tired, angry or wanting to end it all. Thoughts of you keep me moving forward. I am to greedy to let you go and you also seem to share the same greed for me. Good. I think.

Finnean- I wish I could give you a body. You're cheerful, you work hard, and I want you to be alive everytime I see your eye move on the scabbbard. You comfort me when you see I'm tired or weary and more than once you've saved my life- I want to give you something more than being just a weapon. But I don't think I can do anything else besides let you go. What else would there be to your current life when you cannot even control who wields you?

Nenio – What. Is. My. Name. I don't care for your research- Have I not helped to support every childish experiment that was reasonable? I don;t care what you deem important. I have a name. When have I asked anything else but that you use. my. name. You show how little you care and how much you respect me every time you choose to ignore my name. If there's any relationship here, it's all one sided- you use me and then when this crusade is over, so to, shall you leave me.

Ulbrig – Wise and cunning. You'd laugh in the face of death and go laughing all the way to Pharasma where you'd brag how the stupid goblins barely managed to take you down. A world without you is darker indeed.

Galfrey – I hate you. I work, I try I struggle and at the end of the day- you can throw me to the abyss. But your only living family member gets cast in with me? At least apologise to him, say something. But people like you all fall in the same line. Does your jealously and my anger mean anything when you toss us away so easily?

Sosiel – No better friend, no worse enemy than you, a cleric who struggles to see the best in a world that continuously shows the worst. You know your worst side and it bothers you. But it is a struggle to be a good man and you show that through that struggle, you can become a better man.

Regill – My right hand. My sword. My best friend. A crusade without you would be infinity worse. Who else can tell me I'm stupid or need to be harsh? Who else can speak between the lines? The people who don't know you always use your status as a Hellknight or a gnome as if it was all you were. But anyone who does, has failed to understand Regil Derenge as a person.

Trever – If I said the sky was green and the moon made from clouds, you wouldn't care. But you'd believe I was right and if I called, you'd answer. No matter the day or time. Loyalty without questions. Loyalty undeserving, no matter the cost to yourself. When I turn to look behind me, I see you there as if you're my shadow.

Arueshalae – You're struggling to keep becoming what you want. But it is better to struggle to become what you want than it is to be born perfect and free of flaws? You struggle to answer a question you already know the answer to. I've already planned to buy you your cottage and field so you can have the life you want when this is done. A comfortable life where you can live as you deserve.

Greybor – Your gravelly voice and steady hands have done more for the crusade than a century of crusaders. You're blunt, and as worthy as the contract we sign. But I'd sign one with you anytime. You've proven your worth and it's more valuable than the contracts you sign.

Aivu- You look up at me like I'm worth something. I don't feel like I am, but when you rest your head on me or childlishly reuqest treats I always find I'm hard pressed to deny you anything.

[inazuma-fulgur]

In pain whenever someone insists that being naked around children, like in general, is bad

No cloths = pedo (this here is slightly exaggerated but some people actually say that. With words.)

Because nakes = sexual and sexual = bad and impure and children = pure and innocent and without agency

Waiting for the day where changing your childs diaper also becomes sexual and pedo unless *insert arbitrary metric*. If I had to imagine it'd probably be more terf shit, a la all men are horny monsters or only parents of the same SEX as the child should be allowed to.

I will nopt discuss further complications around childbirth because none of this makes sense anyway

I find it especially jarring when other queer people make arguments like that.

Like, y'all can't look at other people and be normal about it. It's not weird to be naked, you are weird for being unable to confront nudity without having secondary thoughts about it. You are the one uncomfortable with it so no one else is allowed to be comfortable with it?

Thinking about FKK (something I don't even know an english term for. Mom told me she and her parents often went to fkk places, because older people still found nudity more normal than we do I'd guess. Maybe they were an outlier but I can't shake the feeling that the younger people get the weirder and less tolerant they get of nudity and other peoples bodies.)

Every year when there's kink at pride discourse I can't help but think about how I wouldn't give two shits about people fucking in public, like it wouldn't be any more annoying that people blasting music and being loud, that's it. It definitely wouldn't smell as bad as some other stuff, like fireworks for example.

I also can't help but think about one of my friends from school who very amused told an anecdote where she went into her parents room while they were having sex when she was a little kid. Shocker, nothing happened to her. Plain seeing sex doesn't hurt, unless you already have been traumatized or smth. Also most of these super weird puritanical ideas only work under the assumption that children have the very same understanding of everything us adults do. Which they don't. How could they, they're learning everything about the world still. Explain it to them so that they can keep themselves safe, you'll have to do it regardless some day.

Go listen to what they're curious about, teach them at the pace they want, answer what they ask.

Because even if I say they don't have the same understanding of things us adults do, that doesn't mean children aren't smart and capable of understanding the bigger world, expanding their horizon.

People like that, in my opinion, just hate children.

Want to control them. Mold them into copies of themselves, perfect what they feel isn't perfect about themselves.

That's not how you treat another person, give kids agency and let them explore stuff. Let children be curious and nosy.

Teach them about consent, because consent isn't just sexual.

Teach them general things that are useful and good.

Teach them about their bodies and signs to look out for, built trust so that when they hit puberty and their needs and experiences change they will talk to you, ask and share what they feel and see. And then expand their horizons more

Please never raise children with preset ideas of how a well raised child has to turn out, with ideas of a fixed process with a fixed result, where certain things are off limits and shouldn't be allowed because they could lead to people growing up who don't fit your personal ideal(s).

Diversity of thought does not mean "diversity until I can't personally understand/relate anymore, beyond that it's evil". The only evil thing is you limiting the beauty and vastness of humanity

Children won't ever fit into your preconceived notions and that's a good thing, we're constantly learning and ideas are changing, and I'm not blaming you for growing older and having bigger more pressing worries and growing out of touch a bit, just don't denie others because of that.

The only way for children around you to be exactly like you is for them to grow up under the exact same conditions as you. But the world around you is changing constantly, even if you feel like YOU are a constant I assure you, you aren't.

Not even siblings or even even twins have that work out for them. Everyone makes different experiences, spends their time differently, cares about different shit. For better and for worse.

Embrace the potential for the worse, because it will lead to the better future you dream of.

If bad ideas are off limits and can't be talked about those ideas can't be challenged.

And if new ideas can't be brought forth nothing better can come into existence.

Yes new ideas will be not just good, there are bad ones. But that's why we discuss and make an effort, that's why we try things to see whether they work or fail.

We can't create the perfect world through logic in our heads and then execute it. Because humans aren't rational, logic is kinda fake even if it isn't, embrace that. Failure is human, failure leads to growth.

Many good things came from experimentation and theory but also from testing and trial and error, brute forcing stuff. Taking what works and optimizing it. Taking what didn't work and tweaking it slightly or taking notes on what has to be avoided in the future.

I love humans, I am human

I wish we would all stop dehumanizing each other constantly

[bingsucks]

im really tired so probably none if this is canon compliant but hhh Community characters and what pets they would have

Jeff: A big dog, maybe a rottweiler or any kind of mastiff. defo will use the dog to win women over emotionally. he considered buying it clothes so they could match (double the women points) but he thinks that's corny, so he just got the dog a raincoat and called it a day. for the name i'm thinking something too human sounding like "Hank" or "Brenda"

Britta: we already knows she has one-eyed cats, but why not some three-legged dogs? a lil bird missing a wing?? she's gotta name them super stereotypical names like "mittens" "beef soup" "fartshitter the squeakquel " you get the gist

Abed: betta fish. he doesn't trust himself to take of something bigger and frankly likes how quiet fish (not the filters. fuck the filters are so loud) are. they're (almost) all named after movie characters, and even though they're basically indistinguishable Abed always knows which is which. there are actually two named nemo, one after the Disney character and one after Point Nemo which is the furthest place from land on earth.

Annie: Annie seems like the type to get a ferret on a whim because they're cute (after doing extensive research of course to make sure she has enough space and the means to take care of it), and then continue to love the little guy after it fucks over her sleep schedule and makes her room smell like rotting shit. she also likes to hold the top in one hand and the bottom in the other and then wiggle it around (but not often because she doesn't wanna hurt it)

Troy: the exact opposite of Jeff, only small dogs like a dachshund or a yorkie. he likes to pick it up and put it under his arm or in a bag like rich people do in movies just for funsies. not for transport or anything, that would be cruel, but just for little bits and such. whenever the dog stops to sniff something or hears something in the distance, Troy always goes out of his way to investigate too because he wants the dog to feel important. for a name i'm thinking more movie references, maybe a name. imagine "yeah this is my dog Indiana jones, and my other dog Paul". also he HAS to match with the dog, he has a bunch of harnesses with different colors on em just to match

Shirley: so many hamsters. so many. there is a graveyeard in her back yard full of small animal carcasses in boxes because her kids have no idea how to take care of something. at one point, after buying like 50 hamsters, she just got them one of those mice people buy to feed their snakes and it lived for two years. she never gets to name the things because they're her kid's animals, but she frequently has to stop them from naming them "fart" and "butthole"

Hickey: firm animal hater. he definitely has some sob story about how when he was a child he had to kill his dog, and that dog was his only friend or something and now has a deep-seated distrust of all animals because they all will hurt him. so sad for you cry about it, ration man

Frankie: I don't think she would ever commit to having an animal because having to deal with the Dean is like having a dog anyway but she always dreams about having a cat one day. a little orange one that's lazy that she can talk to and pretend it talks back just for funsies... yes she does want Garfield, okay? are you happy? she dreams about having Garfield. she doesn't even like Garfield and god knows she hates Jon Arbuckle with every fiber in her being but god dammit, she wants a Garf.

Pierce: friends with a dog breeder. treats dogs the way the Kardashians do except n o o n e thinks its cute when he does it

The Dean: honestly I don't think we should allow this man within 50 feet of a Dalmatian. no pets

Chang: befriended the mice and bugs that live in the walls. has a cat named "shit"

[mdhwrites]

One episode I like a lot for Sasha’s arc in season 2 is The War Hammer. It not only demonstrates the consequences of pushing your friends too far for a hollow trophy, but it also establishes another flaw in Sasha’s Strength: too much determination to achieve something, even if that something won't get you far.

It reminds me of one episode of two different shows, I don't know if you have watched them by the way, Gravity Falls and Steven Universe. An example of Gravity Falls is the falling out between Stanford and Fiddleford: after the test of the portal went wrong and Fiddleford almost got trapped in another dimension, he begged Ford to destroy the machine which he refused because it was his life's work, he wasn't going to give up when he was so close to his goal. Fiddleford left anyway much to Ford’s anger as he yelled at him that he could do the rest on his own and didn't need him.

And with Steven Universe, it happens when Pearl’s desire to go to space went so far that she almost got herself and Steven killed. Their ship was falling apart and he told her “Sometimes you have to know when to bail” and she made the sacrifice of throwing away that spaceship to not implode with it.

That's what got, in my opinion, Sasha’s determination so twisted. Her goal was to amplify her control: not only her friendship with Anne and Marcy but also ruling over another world. Having goals is something good but if those goals are only to feed your ego, you won't get too far or you will but you won't have achieved anything. That's why Sasha was so unsatisfied after usurping the throne in True Colors: her coup was successful -if only for a short time- but it didn't bring her any happiness as her friendship with Anne was broken as a cost and warning her about Andrias didn't work which led to a terrible fight that ended up with Marcy being stabbed. It's the opposite of the feeling she had in The Battle of The Bands, she might not have won the contest but she had fun with her friends singing Anne’s song and letting go of control.

So this isn't a bad way to read it but I do disagree, at least for the overall meaning to her arch. It's a good lesson, to listen to your friends, keep your word, etc. like that... But it's also one that clearly Sasha doesn't keep. It's not one she learns in that moment because she will break her word in True Colors still. So... Why doesn't she learn the lesson? And strap in because I'm taking this for a ride just to talk about Sasha's character as a whole.

Because she's a spoiled brat who's never been said no to. This is my reading of the character admittedly but she, WAY above Marcy, sees Amphibia as a game because for a long time, she's seen LIFE as a game. They youngest form of her we see is an angry child playing make believe knight, yelling at people way older and bigger than her and getting REWARDED for it. She is the child of divorce but rather than miserable, in Reunion she makes it clear that she can make parties at her place happen on a whim and has at least a pretty generous allowance, if not almost a blank check for whatever she wants to do so long it isn't outrageous. This to me speaks of divorced parents who both want to be the 'favorite' and thus would never push back against their princess.

Remember: Her goal, as stated at the end of the first episode we meet her in, is to turn the world RED. To play. And why not? St. James was hers to rule already as a star cheerleader with incredible influence and popularity. Teenagers were so easy, why should adults be any harder, especially when she's able to twist the toads around her finger?

She is the hero of her own story though. She makes people's lives better. They're HELPLESS without her... Which is why Reunion hurt so much. See, for all the reasons I stated that she is the queen, she also rules alone mostly. She doesn't make close connections because everyone wants something from her. There were only two people who ever wanted to be her friend without that. She sounds genuinely surprised when Anne and Marcy want to spend more time with her after all. Two genuine connections. Two queens to elevate to her position.

In Reunion, we saw the positive element of this. Beaten and facing what seemed certain death, she decided to accept it. It was better that one of her true friends live than for them both to die. In Barrel's Hammer, we see the MUCH darker side of it. She literally cannot envision the two being able to even function, let alone thrive, without her. It drives her mad. It drives her madder than she's ever been and so turning back is never an option in her mind.

And Percy and the other Toad make her pay a price for it. Just like Anne had. A second time where her game didn't play like it was supposed to. And I like that we actually get a moment to see Grime fueling Sasha's WORST parts because of who he is. It's not done maliciously but the calculus of war that Grime is playing by can often feel like a game. Like you must strip people down to simply a number on a spreadsheet.

It is also the calculus of war that leads to her discontentment during True Colors. To her, she got the neutral ending, not the good ending of an RPG. She thought she was ready for it, ready to cut away Anne so that she didn't have to keep making concessions, but on the throne of Amphibia, there's nothing to distract her from the fact that she rules... But she rules alone. That's not satisfactory to her though. She's the hero. The hero has friends by their side, and Andrias being the villain gives her the chance to be that again.

And that last attempt to bring it all together instead made it all shatter like glass. We even see shards of Sasha wanting the binary world she lived in by wanting to be able to dismiss Marcy. To not offer Marcy the same kindnesses that Anne gave her. Hell, her thinking that it's as simple as giving command to Anne to make things not complicated is another sign of those old ways of thinking continuing to plague her. To make her resist change, even as she more and more is forced to realize that if she really wants to be the hero she envisions in herself, she needs to accept change. Accept others. Accept life and stop thinking she's the protagonist in a game.

And in Barrel's Hammer, getting a legendary weapon wasn't her showing she was the chosen one like she surely saw in her mind... It merely pulled the cork that was keeping things together, draining away those who truly cared about her until she would be left high and dry.

======+++++======

Bonus note: I have seen the first episode of Steven Universe, both halves, and kind of hated the gems and thought they were insufferable to the point where I had no interest in watching more. Gravity Falls on the other hand I've seen the first episode, two or three episodes inbetween, and then the last three and actually found that viewing experience satisfying enough that I've never gone back.

I have a public Discord for any and all who want to join!

I also have an Amazon page for all of my original works in various forms of character focused romances from cute, teenage romance to erotica series of my past. I have an Ao3 for my fanfiction projects as well if that catches your fancy instead. If you want to hang out with me, I stream from time to time and love to chat with chat.

And finally a Twitter you can follow too!

[saelterlude]

Around October, I noticed my AO3 wordcount for this year has reached near 40k. So I thought, "Hey Sael, surely you can reach 50.000 words by the end of the year right?" Nevermind the fact that my thesis deadline is also in December.

But hey, I goddamn did. 51.236 words. Here's a list of the fics I wrote in 2023. Chronologically, when last updated, because that's cool. + short summary/my core idea for each fic.

Happy New Year!

February

Home Address, 35 Portland Row (Lockwood & Co.)

So did George just one day knocked on Lockwood's door with Skull under his arm being all, "Hey, I commited theft." Pre-canon exposition.

April

Buried Apple (Undertale AU)

Dream watched his twin die, got turned to stone, and wakes up to someone parading in his twin's corpse. How did he grieved?

May

The Hidden Basement (Lockwood & Co. and The Sandman)

Jessamy's regrets of failing to save Dream resulted in a haunted mansion. Who else would come take care of the haunting but Lockwood & Co.

June

Killer's Soul Journey (Undertale AU, yea this fandom really inspired me)

Killer got 4 stages, he also got the gang and Color. So what if each stages react differently to each group.

That Feeling and That Tone. (Undertale AU)

Just a reset in the life of Killer and Chara.

Tales from The Library (Undertale AU)

Same universe as "The Hidden Basement". What's life like for Lockwood & Co. with a type three bird ghost, Jessamy?

July

Colorful Conversations (Undertale AU)

It's in the name. Three conversations that help Color be... Color.

Divergence (Undertale AU)

We explore how time works in the multiverse, sorta.

Versa(tear)lity (Undertale AU)

There are many ways to utilize Killer's tears, here are some of them. Crack. This is just a pure crackfic.

The Circlet (Undertale AU)

There's a gap in Dream's circlet. It widens as Dream grows and his skull gets bigger. There's none in Nightmare's circlet.

August

Feelings Imminent (Undertale AU)

Killer have trouble feeling, which means he doesn't know when he's hungry, tired, or hurt. Horror tries to help.

September

Boiled Care (Undertale AU)

Cross and Horror talk about authority figures over breakfast.

October

I Know That You Can Track It Back To Me (Link Click)

Cheng Xiaoshi wants to know from whom did Lu Guang learns all the ins and outs of their powers. Well he does have time traveling powers, so learning about the past should be easy.

Like Once You Did For Me (Link Click)

Lu Guang's POV of "I Know That You Can Track It Back To Me". On a sad and lonely night, Lu Guang comes across a strange man.

So What's With The Sudden Costume Change? (Link Click)

For a fashionable show, Lu Guang's season two outfit is just a cat pajama. Oh wait, there's also the cool theater outfits. But that came out of nowhere so why? Crack, Actor AU.

A White Dream (Link Click)

A death node cannot be change, that's what Lu Guang said, but that can't be right. Cheng Xiaoshi is sure, he changed a death node once before.

November

A Gray Coat (Link Click)

Emma's parents waited all night for her, not knowing she's lying dead under a bridge. How does a parent grief over their child?

December

Shattered Reflections (Link Click)

Cheng Xiaoshi-Lu Guang's powers swapped with Li Tianchen-Li Tianxi's powers. How would that work? How would the story progress?

(I swear I will finish the last chapter soon. I promise. I just gotta graduate first.)

How to Lose A Bet and Still Win (Link Click)

The biggest betting pool in Guidu University is "when will Cheng Xiaoshi and Lu Guang become official". Some students try to win the bet by manipulating the not-couple and sabotaging other betters. Outsider POV.

[ashesandhackles]

hey! I think this is going to be a really messy ask (mostly because I am not really sure what exactly I want to ask) so feel free to not answer. It's related to Shigure and Akito's relationship.

What do you think about the beginning of their relationship?

The first feelings that Shigure has about Akito are felt for the God in Akito by the Dog spirit in Shigure. I believe what wants to make that 'beautiful feeling' permanent/real is the human individulistic part of him. The next we see them is Akito as a child asking a teenage Shigure if he loves her and he gives her a flower, kisses her (i think) and says something along the lines of loving her forever. Now, is this the 'bond' or do their human parts actually have romantic feelings at this point? The next thing we know is that Akito and Shigure were possibly in a romantic relationship but Akito slept with Kureno (which Shigure didn't know was more an act of desperation against the impending loneliness of the breaking of the curse on Akito's part) and in retaliation, to hurt Akito, Shigure slept with Ren. So, we can safely assume that at this point both Akito and Shigure are adults.

while writing this question, i had like another page of my thoughts written down and that kinda helped me answer part of my vague questions myself. I realise their relationship is very complicated and much bigger than the age gap question that I feel like I am making it out to be but for me (and I have only read the manga once and hence, my feelings for the realtionship are probably what you get on one time linear-in-the-frame-of-manga-storytelling reading), it was hard to get on board that the feelings at the beginning of this love were human rather than 'bond'-related because of the scene between a teenage Shigure and a child Akito. Maybe I can read it better if I assume that the love is talking about is more like a goal he is striving towards so that he and Akito can have it later in life. or just that those thoughts were actually from the bond and later somewhere down the line, real romantic feelings formed. I am also thinking about how much of her human side did Akito show to Shigure at this time that he fell in love with her but honestly I have no experience with falling in love so maybe it doesn't matter how open the other person is being.

As I said earlier, most of this 'ask' is a mess and pretty embarrassing to boot so feel free to ignore it if you want.

I believe the feelings from the dream are the creation of the Bond - the power of the God spirit. Shigure's reaction to "making the beautiful feelings real" is human Shigure's reaction and interpretation of the feeling that was thrust on him. I believe that happens for two reasons, the boy dislikes being controlled, so he seeks to change the narrative of the bond for himself, Shigure is a writer and reader, and at heart is an escapist, chasing a fantasy and feeling. The need for escapism (also avoidance, which we see in his behaviour as an adult) and control is a reaction to living under the cult-like structure of Sohmas. One he shows awareness of even as a child and expresses dissatisfaction for it - "We all should be pitied, the Sohma family" and the undercurrent of anger against the Sohma family in his speech to Tohru about the Cat: "The zodiacs are monsters and that is an ugly thing. Do you think we are happy? Just living in the world is painful for us."

Both Hatori and Shigure are acutely aware they can't escape the Sohmas, and while Hatori is crushed by the idea and has resulting depression, Shigure, who is ruthlessly willful (problem child as the author describes him), moves to change what it means.

I don't particularly interpret the flower scene as romantic - Shigure even asks her in the beginning if she is going around asking everyone that. Which she most likely was - given her father's death and her mother's abuse, Akito relied on the older zodiac indulgence and affection (we get a small panel of her asking Hatori to hug her as child). I see this similarly, her demanding affection from Shigure, who at that point, indulges it. The reason we see that scene, for me personally, is to show deliberate contrast of that childish purity with the twisted, dark love it is in the current day.

That moment means something to Akito certainly, but mostly because Shigure was emotionally distant (his own rebellion against the bond- "he always seemed fine being alone"/ "I was waiting for you to come to me") and Akito wanted to "turn his head."

For all adult zodiac, there is emotional history with Akito that makes their feelings for Akito complicated: they've been with her since she was a child. What is the bond and what is them? It's both, so I think it's fair to say Shigure embraces the feelings of the bond, and of course, there is real affection there for a child who desperately needs that comfort ("I would spoil her" he says at one point).

And their feelings turn romantic later on.

[deerydear]

I just awoke from a nap, so maybe I should collect my thoughts on a walk...

This storyline in my life seemed to be tinged with villainy. Although maybe those are like tinted glasses over my eyes. Perhaps multitudes of people wear differently-tinged glasses.

I could be brown, I could be blue, I could be violet sky! I could be hurtful, I could be purple, I could be anything you like... Gotta be mean, gotta be green, gotta be anything more!

why don't you like me? Why don't you like me? Why don't you walk out the door...

Do you see the wolf walking the path in the woods?

Oh, how he likes to eat children....

Continue reading...

It works as a metaphor.

It doesn't have to be strangling someone until their body goes limp. It doesn't have to be that.... but cruelty numbs. Emotional cruelty. Cruel words.

"You deserve rape."

You see, I take the words I remember, and stitch them back together to make a monster that will do what I say, or love me back.

I make my own. It wasn't his, anymore. It is mine. I cut his up, like a child with a pair of scissors and a newspaper... arranging all the letters to make funny phrases.

Could we stay there?

(she asked, "could we go back?"

You're here.

There is not a forcefield against you.

Wake up.

Don't trample the tender shoots.

Be conscious.)

I write so candidly, because honesty was the only reason I came back from the brink of madness. I was holding that poison-dripping sword. I was the murderer. I was standing there. I ate human flesh.

Sometimes I type words that I don't even mean, and it makes a tender part reveal itself. Like stepping on a bunny. Hahahaha. Bunnies.

That man, I am that. I am worse than that. I will break anyone.

"this is why this disease must be defeated, because it makes anyone who encounters it just as stupid as the bearer."

but that isn't a rule. That's a cry for help.

It's lament.

Eating your own skin, to keep you warm.

I write like this because everyone loves a victim. What if there is no one to run to?

What if there's no higher authority?

What if your high authority is a blood-sucking monster, and you kill him and eat him, and you scare off all the other monsters. No one ever comes looking.

Except one man, he had the same eyes as me.

I sought him as crazed as he, me.

I realized.... no. I wasn't the only one who had discovered the dark, secret underbelly of the world, where no good person dare tread.

Here was another man. but what?

Dogs eat other dogs.

God save us.

WHAT DO YOU DO IF YOU'RE ALONE, WRESTLING WITH A MAN WHO WANTS TO RAPE YOU? FORGET THE CONNOTATION OF RAPE. FORGET THAT MEMORY.

DO YOU CRY FOR YOUR MOMMY? DO YOU BEAT HIM LIKE THE DOG HE IS? I AM A BIGGER DOG THAN YOU. I PISS ON YOUR FACE.

Dogs hump eachother in dominance displays.

Some people are so soft, you wonder at how easily they would come apart on your dissection table. There's all these strings, begging to be pulled. Zippers to be unzipped: such as the one connecting the brain to the body. Like puppets, walking around so simple.

...but as they say, "the meek inherit the earth".

Is it so?

I wonder... I wonder.

People underestimate how much it fucks you up to be subtly excluded as a kid. I would try to talk to my classmates and be met with disinterest or annoyance. The one friend I had, who I clung to and nodded along to his every word, had other friends he liked just as much or more. And his other friends didn’t care for me at all.

I look back at pictures from the time and see how separated I was from them. I remember knowing I was different. I remember posing questions about the world to the girls playing next to me and realizing that they had never asked the same ones to themselves. That the ways we thought couldn’t be more different.

I kept myself amused with my own fanatical stories and musings in my head. I would wander the playground on a circular path, imagining a friend and being sorely disappointed when it didn’t feel as real as I’d hoped.

There was a bubble separating me from everyone else, thin, and nearly invisible, but with a pearly sheen you could catch under the right conditions. I knew it was there, they knew it was there, and it changed me

[daughters-of-liberty]

2 am thoughts

I'm happily married. I'm expecting my first child, something I've always dreamed of. I'm looking forward to Christmas. I'm in a good place with all my relationships, namely my parents, which has been out of balance literally my whole life until now. I'm finally starting to get people to respect my boundaries.

Why do I want to return to childhood? Why do I miss being in a place that, while I didn't know it at the time, was objectively worse than where I am now? Why would I want to watch my parents in their unbalanced and frankly toxic relationship? Why would I want to be surrounded by people who don't even let me talk, because I was a child, let alone respect me. Why would I want to go back to ruined birthdays and holidays, and my interests being ignored because the favorite grandchild is speaking, and dropping out of school to help raise my cousin?

Is it because it think I can make things better? Somehow warn my younger self what was to come? Prepare myself for the worst parts?

Or because I've grown so used to life perpetually going against my wishes, that now that's all that's familiar for me. Having everything I ever dreamed of is wholly unfamiliar. And the unfamiliar is scary.

I remember last year, when my husband proposed to me, I was depressed for like two weeks. And I tried to hide it, because I knew exactly why I was depressed, and it was, frankly, embarrassing: I wasn't going to be my parents' little girl anymore. Nevermind that I hadn't been their little girl in some time. It was a sudden shock that I, now closer to 30 than ever, was growing up. In the way that people should grow up. And I'd always wanted to be married, and I had found a wonderful man, so what the heck?

And when I found out I was pregnant, i was depressed for like two months, partly because I felt disconnected from my body and the baby. Like, I was excited, but it wasn't real. And it continued to not be real, even after hearing the heartbeat and everyone being so happy for us. It wasn't until I learned the gender that I became more enthusiastic. But I still have moments of sadness, which I refuse to simply chock up to hormones. Especially because so much of my sadness is caused from me really realizing how miserable my childhood was, and how miserable the people in my life were.

I once saw a video from Michael Knowles talking about how we can channel the nostalgia we have for our childhood into raising our children; watch the movies that you grew up watching with your kids, give your old toys to your kids, introduce your favorite childhood pastimes to them. And I'd like to believe that reliving some of the pain I saw as a child would help me prepare to be a mother, and give my children better than I had. I was so lonely, and so talked over, when evidently, I have a lot to say. I mean, just look at this post. 🙄

But is it a serious deep dive into parsing out which behaviors my parents exhibited that failed me, and how I don't want to fail my kids the same way? Or is it that I'm ultimately afraid of the burdens, sacrifices, and responsibilities of being a mother, and wish to return to a time when I was cared for, when I was "free" to do as I pleased.

But we're never really free, are we? From having to abide by our parents' rules, to having to work jobs we hate to pay for rent and taxes, to being married and having to show up for your spouse even when it's an inconvenience, to having to be there for your child even when you're tired and in pain and facing bigger problems than they can understand in that moment but you have to tell them their most irrational fears can't hurt them but do so in a way that doesn't belittle them. There's always trade-offs.

What births my melancholy? Is it truly just hormones? Is it a subconscious understanding that there is no going back to being my parents' little girl? That I'm a full grown woman and I have true responsibilities now? Will I ever be rid of this dreadful form of nostalgia? Right now, peace is a precious commodity my mind can never seem to finance for.

[brothermoth]

when misogyny becomes feminist: (please actually read what I say don't just be reactionary)

"Radical Feminism" is misogyny.

Full fucking stop: it is misogyny to claim women cannot and do not perpetuate harm. It's so deeply fucking misogynistic that it's pathetic when they can't understand that they're the same as the people who thought women couldn't ride trains because their uterus would fly out.

It's a thing called agency that is very very important. When you remove harmful people from a group and pretend everyone must be perfect to be worthy of human rights, you strip them of their agency.

I've been horribly abused by a number of women in my life. It will never excuse me turning around and hating all women. They're people. Men are people. Terfs are people! They deserve to be safe and have bodily autonomy just like everyone else. They're still fucking assholes though! (CRUELTY IS NOT FUCKING ACTIVISM).

Women are capable of rape (it happens around the same frequency, actually. It's not considered assault because of misogyny). It's misogyny to deny women the ability to be harmful. Radical "feminists" you are stripping women of the ability to be a fucking human being.

Women can enjoy sex! Anti BDSM people, you are dehumanizing grown adult women. You are stripping them of their agency as human beings. They are not a shivering oppressed huddle to be protected like a child in a video game, they're PEOPLE. If she enthusiastically consents, that is all that matters.

You are being preyed on. You're a blunt object used to bash progress over the skull until it's quiet.

There was a man named Marcus Garvey who stood up and said that black people needed to be free of oppression. He was absolutely right in saying this. But then he turned and said "we need to go back to Africa", and he said that African Americans are simply better than those currently living in Africa. Because clearly they're more civilized.

That is racism from inside the house. It is a cruel man taking hurt, downtrodden people and using them to beat down others who have not done anything wrong.

Girls, that's YOU. You're absolutely facing a world that is much harder for you than for others, and you have every right to be upset.

It doesn't mean what you're doing is right. It's not right. No, men should not have mandatory vasectomies. Women's rights do not ever have to come at the cost of others'. Nobody's human rights should EVER come at the cost of anothers'.

Radical feminism is an ideological cousin of Zionism. Jewish people have been through so much for so long, and so have women. It doesn't mean they need a fucking theocracy. They deserve to be safe in whatever fucking country they live in. Women don't need to be a separate species from men, they need to be safe where they are.

Radical feminism is not radical. You're not saying anything that hasn't been said already. It's lazy. It's defeatist. It is a movement without a spine or a backbone, but its covered in sharp thorns to keep everyone away, even hands trying to pick weeds.

How do you find equality in a society that does not want you to?

You fucking work for it. We're not in the end times, we're a blip on a timeline bigger than we can imagine. This thing you are fighting is not inherent to men or women, it's a consequence of European ideas (it kinda started with Greece, in my opinion, because Rome ran with it and then Christianity cemented it).

It sounds ridiculous but you know what? Activism is emotional labor. No, you don't owe it to anyone, but if you want change you fucking do it. You teach your sons kindness. You teach them to stand up for girls. If you want change men MUST be included in discussions. I'm sorry if it sounds like a "not all men" moment but it's true. You NEED people in a privileged class to be included. You NEED that change from INSIDE the house. Every successful movement must lean on their allies because oppressed people are OPPRESSED! It shouldn't be that way, but oppressed groups do not have the power alone to make change.

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I started this more angry but I've set it to the side and come back a couple times to edit some of the angry parts out because it's not what I really want to say.

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[iamshay]

The Importance of Respecting Your Parents

Anyone who doesn't respect their parents is a piece of shit. Regardless of how much shit your parents give you, they are your parents. I have gotten so much shit from both parents growing up. That is not shit; that is called tough love. You will understand when you get off your high horse and experience more shit in your life. When you are more grown, you will understand why your parents were so tough on you. I didn't have a perfect childhood. I was born into war and saw things a child should never see. I had many siblings, and they were tougher on me. I obeyed everything, but they were still tough on me. And I turned out amazing.

You are the way you are because you come from a broken home, and it's not your fault. But that doesn't mean or give you the right to disrespect your parents. It's not always your parents' fault. It's life choices when you are in your adult life. Your behavior is on you. As an adult in your 20s, you should know better. You are not a child of 6 or 7 years old. In your 20s, you should know what right and wrong mean. Blaming your parents always just shows whose fault it is. I don't blame your parents for giving up on you. They are also human beings and will reach their breaking point. They also try their best to raise you, and when you don't respect them and listen to them, it's disheartening.

If your parents give you tough love and tell you not to do or say something, you should respect them. They've been around longer than you, dumbass. Religion or not, paradise lies under your parents' feet. If you disrespect them, you will never smell paradise.

You will not always have your parents around. Whatever the issue might be, link up and find a solution. Be the bigger person and find tolerance so that one day you can tell God that you tried your best, and God will not hold you accountable. No parent wants to hurt their child, except monstrous ones. I avoid people who talk smack about their sister, mother, or father, which is the main reason I am not friends with them. Me and one of my sisters are not on good terms, but I am not walking around online talking smack about her. We still have mutual respect. When we meet, we say hi and bye. We just keep things cool out of respect for our mother.

The fact that I see so many people online blaming their actions and behavior on their parents is surprising. It's the main reason your father or mother left. I would disown my child if they behaved in such a bad manner. Your mother didn't carry you for months just for you to bring shame to the family. When your parents have principles, and you tarnish your family name by acting out online or in real life, it's a serious issue. When you become a parent, you will understand. I understand because I grew up helping to raise my nieces and nephews.

I might not have given breast milk, and neither did their mother, except for the first niece. None of the others were breastfed. But I did everything their mother did: gave them baths, changed diapers, fed them, put them to bed, helped them learn new words, etc. I witnessed how demanding children can be. So, I got a taste of motherhood already, especially considering the way I was raised. I was not a handful child. I was actually quite easy and quiet, and I still am unless someone provokes me. That’s one thing my dad loved more than anything: he knew my boundaries. So, whenever my sisters tried to blame things on me, my dad simply said, “Shay would never do that unless you provoked her first, she’s the quiet one.” He never took sides and would yell at me too if needed. He kept things super fair. He knew everyone’s boundaries and was not easily fooled. He was the boss and the man in the house.

So next time you blame your behavior on your parents or the absence of a father figure, remember there are always two sides to the story. Maybe your mother hasn’t told you the full story. You were born with a silver spoon in your mouth. Why you complain about. In other country people have no food or both parents because they lost their in war. You the luckiest had everything handed to u. YET you still bitching?

xo.

Shay

[backwoodsyankee]

what?

Don't worry, I'm still doing everything I must. Doesn't mean the thoughts aren't there. Doesn't mean I won't feel sadness. I feel like shit today. I didn't want to do jack shit, but I got some things done. Once those things were done, I was fucking done.

It's not that I crave to be right or that I crave to be the boss. That's not what I want. I want someone to look at me and value who I am. The thoughts I have, the feelings I have, the ambitions I have. Especially from someone who chooses to commit to me for the entirety of our lives.

*started last night, continued the next day*

I do everything alone. and I like it. I'm going to see Deadpool tonight. It was supposed to be with Daniel, but that isn't happening anymore. Not to say I didn't feel hurt and sad, there was a voided feeling in my soul, but that feeling subsided after a little while. I'm going alone. I'd go horseback riding alone, and I think I will. I'd go to the fair alone, and I think I will. 4th of July fireworks? Why the fuck not. After so much of the shit I've been through as a child and then adult, I've taught myself to find beauty in the little things. I try as hard as I can to welcome people I care about into my little world of bliss. They either don't care or they want it so badly, but can't do it, that they just rip me to shreds. I really do not want to give a flying fuck if no one wants to be in the wagon with me anymore. At 30 years old. About time.

Life is a collaboration of different journeys and the book doesn't end until you're 6 feet under. Some people struggle to leave a journey that brings them sadness, anger, bitterness.

The only way to overcome that is with hope that the variables in life won't fuck you upside down (and if it does, note the decisions that put you in that predicament, because it's all a domino effect) and knowing that there is another journey ahead; the only way to re-route is by accepting what happened and continuing to seek the next sweet spot by making changes. We have so many sweet spots in just a single life and it seems ridiculous if we don't go traipsing around looking for them. Think about those changes, think about how you're going to change, think about the possible outcomes. Yeah, life gets fucking rough a lot of times, but intense feelings from certain experiences can be noted, bookmarked, and put away. It should never be allowed to consume you, drown you.

It is you against the world, it's YOUR approach that matters, it is your fucking approach that changes YOUR OWN perspective. You want to be happy, right? The world is huge, right? Bigger than you will ever be. So why is it that people say and believe, "the world is against me, the world is out to get me" when the problem is your approach? It's what you say, how you behave, how you handle problems, how you work with your emotions and experiences, and importantly, what you believe in.

This does not take into account childhood environments.

However, even then, no matter how fucked up your life was; as you grow older, you must learn how to handle (not control) memories and feelings. At times, they will make appearances. You must remember, there is usually a reason they are surfacing (there is always a reason when familiarity surfaces, good or bad). When you take the time to figure out the reason (work with yourself), analyze and assess what can be done about it. Then handle it. How you handle it might not be perfect at times, but then note that, and keep going. You may stall at times, but don't get stuck.

Also, fucking remember, this approach doesn't take overnight when you're just starting out in fixing your approach to the world, but it can take overnight as long as you practice. Because, baby, it never ends. Why fight against the current when you're supposed to go with it?

Control what you can, don't control what you can't. Back down when you see the same fucking outcome when you're trying to control something.

Your life is just a mashed-up bundle of equations. People who don't like to problem solve or refuse to, will never be able to live happily.

One of the worst things people can do to others is trigger infantile emotions. Making a grown person feel small and as if they're 10 years old again and vulnerable.