#♡ ˙ ˖ ✧ — self para.

[nvrendngstry]

The wind blew sharply, its coldness cutting through Dohyun like a knife as he stared down at his hands. He could feel the warmth, the slickness of blood in contrast to the chill of the night.

It wasn’t supposed to develop in this way, but he supposed it was bound to happen one way or another; there was only so much a person could handle before they finally snapped, and Dohyun had hit that point. Years of being locked up in his own home like some common prisoner, caged in like an undeserving bird, had left him seeking release regardless of the consequences.

His family was strict and too centered on Dohyun becoming their heir. It wasn’t what he wanted, yet it would be pushed upon him. The mere thought of the responsibility he would need brought a frown to his face; he didn’t possess even an ounce of what was needed, and he didn’t care to learn. It wasn’t for him. The lifestyle, the riches; none of it mattered to him. He’d sooner be a poor man, the scum of the streets, rather than continue living a miserable life led by his family.

His eyes bore holes into the corpse in front of him. His need for escape could be considered greedy, but was it really? Is it not an instinctual need for freedom possessing him? The same thing those around him had, yet he lacked? Seeing the same walls every day for years upon years, the same people coming and going as they pleased while he stayed tethered to the confines of the home he grew to detest; it was maddening and enraging, frustrating.

His hands wiped along the front of his perfectly tailored hanbok; the one his parents had gifted him, leaving dark red in their path. His father deserved this. He deserved to have the life violently forced out of him, and by extension, his wife as well. One was just as bad as the other, and Dohyun felt personally wronged by both of them. Not once did his mother come to his defense; always fearing speaking up to a man, knowing full and well how lowly women were looked upon and the repercussions it brought. He supposed he couldn’t fully blame her, but her life didn’t deserve to be spared. No one’s did.

After taking a quick look around, Dohyun finally rose to his feet. There were two options laid before him: turn himself in and be executed or hide the bodies and never be seen again. He could stage an accident and disappear, leaving people to wonder what happened to him. Burning their home with his parent’s bodies inside seemed like the simple approach; one that he hoped no one would look further into and suspect him. He’d never done something like this before; hiding bodies was a foreign job, one that needed thorough thought, but he felt panic rise in his chest at the idea of leaving a trace back to himself.

He'd made up his mind; regardless of that sensation of fear bubbling in his chest and down to his core, there were no better options. The best he could hope for was that no one would look further into a house fire, and no one would question his whereabouts, although he knew it was unlikely. People would question where the family's heir had disappeared to. If he were lucky, they may think he had been taken, and that was the only thought that carried him through his plans.

He stood back and watched the house incinerate, the heat felt against his face as he quietly just stared. It wouldn't take long for someone to notice, but it would take a considerable amount of time for the blaze to actually be extinguished. That much he knew. While the people were busy trying to put out the fire and rescue the family they thought was inside, Dohyun would be running and hiding.

No one would be the wiser, he hoped. No one would know he ran away and went into hiding. Perhaps no one would even suspect him if they hadn't found him. However the scene progressed and played out, it was no longer Dohyun's problem. He had better things to think of, and he felt no remorse for what he did. There wasn't a single ounce of regret; he was going to move on from his previous life and start anew. At least that was the plan.

Unfortunately for Dohyun, not everything always goes as planned.

[maaxence]

tag drop!

[behaein]

♡ ˙ ˖ ✧ — SR MEDIA CALLBACK. aka haein gets a second chance with sr media and performs how can i love the heartbreak, you're the one i love (ref / 2:45-3:45)

when haein first receives the message from sr media, she has to blink twice to make sure she wasn't misreading anything. considering that she never made it to the next round for the other labels, she wasn't expecting anything with sr media either. the audition tape was her messiest yet when it came to video quality, and she was dressed in such comfortable clothing. if someone were to only take a quick glimpse at it, they would have mistaken it for a practice video.

nevertheless, she starts preparing right away. the message reads ballad song, and she's got flashbacks of the last time she's sung a ballad, but she quickly pushes those thoughts behind. having her mind occupied with something from the past will only do her more harm than good, and she's promised herself to continue living forward.

first, she decides to make a list of the ballads she even knows. haein's never been a huge ballad fan because she enjoys music that allows her to bop her head, but it looks like sr media has something in mind when they ask for this specific task. dancing is allowed, as the message says, but she believes that her dancing skills have already been shown through the audition tape, original choreography and all. she's proven she can dance, so now it's time to show them she can sing.

now she knows she's not a power vocalist. she's not going to be able to belt out high notes and push her diaphragm hard enough to impress anybody. so she seeks out songs where she can be emotionally invested because while she may not be the strongest vocalist out there, she's quite confident in the way she can express lyrics and songs. that's why she's mostly a dancer to begin with. there's something so fascinating about being able to deliver emotions and sentiments through her body, but now she's got to do that with her voice.

she probably seeks for about a week before she settles on a song she feels she can confidently do. the song is filled with emotions, within her range, and requires just the amount of technique, which she can pull off. maybe she sounds too confident, but that's not it. this was always what oh haein was like. the past couple of months was uncharacteristic of her, but she's gotten back on her two feet, and she was ready to impress the judges once more.

/

seven am feels like an early call time, but she's there, bright and early with a smile on her face. after everything that's happened, this feels like absolutely nothing. she can feel some glimpses here and there as she waits to be called along with a couple of other potential trainees.

as she waits, she does a couple of vocal exercises and stretches. while she won't be dancing today, being relaxed is important. if her body tenses up, so will her vocals, and she doesn't want that happening today.

when she's called in, she goes through the camera test first. stand here, please stare at the camera, please turn to the left, now the right, we'll also be taking a picture of you from the back, now please show us five different poses. this isn't haein's first rodeo, so this part pretty much flies by, and soon she finds herself in front of the panel of judges.

she thinks she recognizes a few of them from next gen, but she can't be sure. not when she's already in heartbreak mode for the song she's chosen. haein clears her throat, takes a sip from the water bottle that's been given to her and gives them a nod to signal she's ready.

haein knows more than anybody else that sixty seconds is a short time. probably not long enough for most people to show off everything they've got to show, but that's the reality she's faced with, so she pours her heart out into the song. her eyes are closed for a good portion of it, but she makes sure to open them at the very end to face the judges. as she's always been coached, she makes sure to make eye contact with one of them, and the song cuts off.

her sixty seconds is up.

initially, she thought this experience would be nervewrecking. maybe it's because she's been caught up in living in the past for the last couple of months. however, she feels free. she's quite confident she's shown them everything she can with the first audition tape and now this short ballad cover. before she can ask them if there's anything else, she's interrupted by one of the judges.

"please reflect on your time during the next gen audition process and tell us what you would like to do differently, should you be invited to participate in a second season."

she can't help but smile at the question because haein was expecting them to ask about next gen sometime or another. of course, she expected them to be more direct with the question and maybe ask her about the vocal crack itself, so she's rather pleased that it's a more general question.

"i believe i've learned a lot from it. it was a rather humbling experience, seeing so many other talented trainees give it their all. i was eliminated earlier than i would have liked," she decides to be honest because what more harm can that really do, "but it was a nice way to reflect back on my skills. seeing myself filmed and aired like that was a great way to see exactly what my strength and weaknesses were, and i've been working on improving on those apsects."

haein pauses for a moment before answering the second part of the question. does she even want to participate in a second season? can she answer it like that? she knows there's a running joke that sr media, the very company building she's standing in, is known for giving second choices to many trainees and artists. will her answer be received negatively if she says she doesn't want the second chance?

"frankly, i'm not sure if i'd participate in a second season. i believe i'd be more likely to take on a new, different challenge," she answers, deciding that being honest is the better choice here. again, the worst that can happen now is them not giving her a trainee contract, but at least she won't be walking out of this place with the thought that she'd lied to everyone. "however, if i were to participate in a second season, i think i'd spend more time evaluating each mission before beginning to go straight to practicing. we were given such short time spans that i was so focused on trying to get to the task at hand that i completely missed out on what the judges wanted from each round."

the judges whisper among themselves for a few seconds before the man in the center gives her a nod and thanks her for her time. with that, she bows toward everybody there and gives them one last smile.

does she think she did a good job? well, maybe not to them, but the deep breath she lets out and the wide grin on her face once she leaves the building is proof that she poured everything she could into this audition.

now all there's left to do is wait.

[tbhsilver]

On July 31, Infinite Entertainment confirmed to several South Korean outlets that Silver will soon be making her official debut as a soloist, over nine years after debuting in global K-Pop girl group FLORA (식물군). This news —

" no. "

silver watched in immense satisfaction as the faces around the conference room fell. she knew infinite had something sly up their sleeves when she was called into a meeting with her team and a couple higher-ups in the company. for years, be it new star or infinite, everyone had been trying to force her to release solo music. from a business standpoint, it had always made sense. she was the leader of one of the most beloved groups in the country, and had proved her versatility (when she cared to try) in an array of concepts. but while a solo debut may have seemed appealing to most idols in this industry, the idea filled silver with disdain.

" but — "

she interrupted the creative director's spiel with a shake of her head. unapologetic, the blonde pushed the mock-up article of the solo announcement away from her and back towards the suits sitting across from her. their expressions ranged from displeasure to shock, and neither fazed silver much. " just like i said last year, and the year before, i'm not interested. "

" eunhae-yah. " her manager attempted gently, knowing better than anyone how short her temper could be. " just hear them out. "

silver said nothing, which the suits took as a reluctant opening. the marketing analyst immediately dived in. " umeko's debut was such a financial and public success. "

yeah and she hated every second of it, she thought.

" — it attracted more fans to flora, and left people wanting more from her, nari, and yourself. right now, your brand ambassador duties are your only solo activities outside of the group. we think this is the perfect time to usher in more. "

the creative director chimed in: " we did some testing with focal groups and dahlias across the board voted that 'fancy' and 'feel special' as their favorite eras for you. with that in mind, we found a few demos in a similar vein that would be great for a solo debut. we can play them for you, if you'd like. "

" yeah, absolutely not. " her shoulders were tense, and a bitter taste grew in her mouth. of all the songs they could have picked, of course they picked the two title tracks from the worst period of her life. it was pretty fucking ironic that dahlias loved it so much when she spent every day after promotions, forcing herself not to cry to sleep. hearing the suits now was all the confirmation she needed — she was right to say no to this. they didn't actually want music from her; the wanted music from the image they tried to force onto her since the very beginning. fuck no.

she knew her defiance infuriated the higher-ups. this was usually the part of the meeting when they would throw around thinly-veiled threats or attempts of coercion to get their way. it may have been enough to scare an idol who was desperate enough to do anything to keep their career in this industry. but silver wasn't one of them. best case scenario, they retaliated by giving her less to do. great. she wanted to do the bare minimum anyways. she'd learned a long time ago that she held the power, not the company. they tried to so hard to convince her otherwise, but silver knew the truth: they needed her more than she would ever need them. that meant she was unshakeable.

" well, if that's all. . . " silver drawled out in an icy tone, reaching for her fendi bag in the chair next to her.

" what can we do to convince you ? "

now, that was new. silver was used to their demands and expectations, constantly battling against the assumption that they can control her. they'd never once asked her. just told her. this time though, she could hear the desperation clear in their voices. it was enough to intrigue the leader. warily, she dropped her purse back down and eyed the suits across the table, folding her arms over her distressed crop tee.

" what are you offering ? " silver inquired with a raise in her eyebrow.

" we'll let you pick what demo you like the most. "

" no. " that wasn't a good deal when she didn't even like the vibe that the demos were based off of. that already happened to yumi, and she'd be damned if she went the same route. " i want to pick my own concept, for starters. "

" but the ideal concept has been tested on— "

with a roll of her eyes, silver grabbed her bag again. she knew this would be pointless and her patience was already gone. the half-assed negotiating was over in her head.

" wait. wait. " one of them cut in before she could get up. " fine. you can choose the concept. does that mean you're saying yes ? "

" i said for starters. " silver retorted slowly, as if she was talking to a toddler. " i pick the songs, i pick any collaborations. you all can be in charge of the styling, branding, choreography, and promotional scheduling, but i want a first look on everything. if i don't like it, i'm not doing it. "

she watched the looks exchanged between the higher-ups, clearly weighing the options heavily. as different pairs of eyes glanced up in her direction, silver knew not to look away. this wasn't about establishing a boundary; this was about establishing who was in charge here. after a long beat of silence, the creative director sighed. " that. . . sounds reasonable. "

no shit, asshole. silver surprisingly bit her tongue in time. the annoyance was clear in her face, though. of course the company would act like they were doing her a favor by allowing her to do what she wanted with her voice, with her body.

" fine. i'll do it then. " sliding the purse onto her shoulder, silver grabbed her sunglasses on the table and pushed them onto her face. silently, she gestured at her manager to signal that she was ready to leave. she barely paid mind to the relieved and happy expressions on the suits' faces.

" so do we have approval to release this article ? "

" not until i get everything i've asked for in writing. " the leader replied bluntly as she adjusted the shades. she wasn't stupid. the last thing she needed was to have them go back on their word the moment the news was out. with a bored toss of her hair, she headed for the door. her manager was quick to follow after her to hold the door open. " when i do, then you can. "

" we'll have it to you by the end of the day. thank you. " the head of public relations assured. detecting that the conversation had come to an end, a few of the suits stood from the table to bow in gratitude. silver would have relished in it if she wasn't processing one thing:

what the fuck did i just agree to ?

[xojinnie]

color me b l u e

self-para ; jinnie’s siblings call her with some life-changing news.

     park sunhi had never been a spontaneous kind of woman. everything in her life was meticulously planned to a tee — and jinnie had always admired her sister for that. however, that meant an impromptu facetime from the older woman on a random wednesday morning was more than enough to incite confusion. a picture of the two of them in their youth lit up jinnie’s phone screen: an nine year old sunhi grinning at the camera with her hands propped against her hips in a confident pose while a three year old jinnie adorably mimicked her with wide, adoring eyes. the brunette smiled at the memory, sitting up in her hotel bed so that she can answer the call. her smile only widened once her sister’s face appeared on the screen, somewhat blurry because of the wifi connection, but still a welcoming sight. 

     “ unnie~ hi ! what a surprise. ” normally, sunhi liked to schedule their facetimes so that it could fit in their busy schedules. but jinnie didn’t mind the switch up. “ if i knew you’d be calling, i would have gotten cute for you. ”

     “ you’re always cute, nini. ” her sister’s to the point tone rung through the phone speaker, a gentle smile forming on the older woman’s features. “ are you fishing for compliments now ? ”

     “ no, of course not. ” a giggle occupied the maknae’s words. her sister knew better than anyone that she usually ran the opposite way when it came to compliments. she’d gotten better in recent years but still, it wasn’t the most comfortable. “ what’s up ? is everything okay ? ”

     “ yes. everything’s fine. don’t worry. ”

     jinnie’s shoulders tensed. she’d always been far too empathetic for her own good, able to detect the woes and worries of others even if they weren’t readily set out on a table. while sunhi’s reply may have been satisfactory to the average person, there was a certain iciness about the response that put her on alert. as if sunhi had practiced the answer to be as curt and clinical as possible. “ — is there something to worry about ? ”

     “ don’t drag it out. you’re just going to stress her out. ”

     the familiar masculine voice cut into the conversation. almost instantly, jinnie gasped, her eyebrows furrowing together as she took in the terse expression on her sister’s face. “ oppa ? ”

     with a sigh, sunhi shifted the angle on her phone to reveal jihoon sitting next to her. he flashed his signature grin as he nodded, but something felt forced about it. he was usually warmth personified, full of jokes and mischief, but right now, it felt like he was performing the role. “ hey, jin. ”

    the sight of her siblings together made jinnie happy to see, but the happiness was filled with this unexplainable dread. why were they together ? her brother still lived in their hometown, in an apartment within walking distance from their mother and grandparents’ home. he spent his days in the small photography studio that he owned and his nights working as a dj at the local club. meanwhile, her sister lived in busan with her fiancé and their adorable dog as she worked intensely at completing her surgical residency. all three of the park siblings had full, hectic lives and unfortunately, that meant it was very rare for all of them to be in the same room together. 

     “ where are you guys ? ” jinnie had to ask.

     “ home. ” jihoon answered, which she took to mean gwangju. her heart began to race. 

     “ is— are halmeoni and halabeoji okay ? what about umma— ”

     “ chill, jin. everyone’s healthy and safe. don’t freak out. it’s not about them. ” jihoon cut in, knowing his little sister’s anxieties well.

     “ it’s about appa. ” sunhi offered after a moment.

     jihoon scoffed, fire in his eyes. “ if we can even call him that. ” sunhi smacked him in the shoulder. “ what ? it’s not like the prick— ”

     “ jihoon. ” there was a sternness in sunhi’s eyes, much like how their grandfather got when he was scolding one of them. jinnie instinctively straightened up at her sister’s expression. and even though jihoon didn’t look too pleased about being hit, he did the same. “ don’t do this. not in front of her. ”

      jinnie couldn’t quite focus on her siblings’ words. already, her brain was going to worst case scenario about what could have possibly happened to their father. it wasn’t that difficult to picture. she unfortunately had the memory of being very little, walking into their living room to find her father passed out surrounded by whiskey bottles. she remembered being so scared and no amount of reassurance from her mother could convince her that he wasn’t dead. her chest tightened at the thought, wondering if he’d found himself in yet another drunken stupor and gotten harmed somehow. had he been driving, was he alone —

     “ he’s getting married. ”

     what ? 

     slowly, the brunette blinked as she processed the news. so, it wasn’t something terrible after all. it was good news in fact, even if a bitter taste formed in her mouth. married. . . what a concept. “ oh. . . ” she sounded out the simple word. both sunhi and jihoon were watching her closely, so jinnie paid mind not to reveal too much on her face. chewing anxiously on the inside of her cheek, her head bobbed up and down in something that vaguely resembled a nod. “ uh, good for him. ”

      “ you’re too nice, jin. ” the fury was clear in her brother’s voice, but she struggled to match it. she was too stunned to feel anything else. her default had always been happiness even on the days it was hard to be. her siblings had anger and everything else in spades but her ? she was supposed to be the happy one. she should be happy for him. . . right ? “ it’s just us, you can say it like it is: he’s a fucking asshole. ”

    “ jihoon. ” this time, sunhi’s voice was tinged with exhaustion and pain. jinnie’s heart broke to hear it from her impossibly strong sister. she couldn’t imagine how her siblings were feeling. while memories of her father were fragmented and sporadic, the two of them had a sizable amount of time with him. they’d been twelve and ten when he’d left without even a goodbye one night. she would never forget jihoon calling him constantly, leaving him voicemails begging him to come home. he didn’t stop until the voicemail inbox was filled to the brim, and then soon enough, the number itself was disconnected. sunhi used to wear the watch he’d left behind every night to bed even though it was dirty and broken, all because she missed him so much. jinnie was sure this hurt them more than it could possibly hurt her and yet, they were concerned for her. it didn’t feel fair.

     “ what ? why are we acting like we owe him shit ? we’re not obligated to feel happy— ”

     “ please don’t fight. ” jinnie’s words were no louder than a whisper, but they halted her brother’s rant in its tracks. the bickering ceased and two pairs of worried eyes looked at her through the screen. “ he doesn’t deserve a lifetime of unhappiness. no one does. it’s okay. ”

     “ he replaced us, jin. ”

     “ what do you mean ? ”

     sunhi let out a pained sigh, and jinnie realized that the marriage news was only the tip of the iceberg. whatever her siblings were about to tell her next, that was going to be the devastating blow. “ his fiancé. . . has a daughter. ” her heart sunk a little. “ she seems really close with him. ”

     “ like, a young one ? ” she couldn’t and wouldn’t villainize a little girl for wanting a father in her life. she’d once been that little girl herself. still, the irony of the situation was a bit sickening. jinnie thought he didn’t want a family. wasn’t that why he’d left them high and dry to begin with ? she’d spent her entire lifetime craving a good father for the three of them, for a good spouse for her umma — and he’d decided long ago that he wasn’t the man for the job. things couldn’t have possibly changed so easily for him.

     “ no, nini. she’s, uh, she’s about your age. ”

     for some reason, that was the reveal that made her heart sink to her stomach. he replaced us, jin. that was what jihoon had said. you, that must have been the word he’d really wanted to say. he replaced you. a stony expression in place, jinnie immediately swiped out of the facetime to head to her instagram. her siblings’ faces hovered in the corner as she swiped wildly through the app.

      “ jin, don’t— ”

      “ a deep dive is only going to hurt you. ”

     the youngest ignored sunhi and jihoon, perhaps for the first time in her life. her chest felt too tight to respond and all she could focus on was confirming this news herself. manicured fingers tapped on her ‘blocked users’ list. her father’s account was the only one there, one that she’d blocked nearly a year ago after his phone calls. swiftly, the user was unblocked and jinnie immediately jumped to his page to look at his recent posts.

     they were beautiful, both the future wife and daughter. together, they were a picture perfect family; in countless pictures, the three of them posed happily at cozy dinners at home or on vacation abroad. her father seemed the healthiest he’d ever been, not the gaunt and angry man that lived in her memories. and the look of pride in his eyes whenever he looked at his new daughter was palpable. despite the voice in her head screaming for her not to, jinnie opened the most recent post: the girl, dressed in a graduation cap and grown, beamed into the camera while her father stood next to her. the caption was a simple one — my sunflower graduated from college today.

     sunflower. haebaragi.

      haebaragi, that’s what he used to exclaim after jinnie showed off the new dance moves she learned from the tv. haebaragi, that’s what he used to whisper on the nights she couldn’t fall asleep. haebaragi, that’s what he called her not even a year ago when he begged her for money and talked about how much he needed her. 

     liar.

     “ jinnie. ” 

     he’s a liar.

     “ breathe, jin. it’s okay. ”

     jinnie couldn’t speak, couldn’t reassure her siblings that this wasn’t a panic attack. this was something new, something unfamiliar and quite dark that it didn’t even feel like it belonged in her body. all she could do is scream liar, liar, liar in her head repetitively. her eyes prickled with warm tears. her phone trembled in her hand. but it wasn’t just sadness that seemed to engulf her entire being. no, no. for once in her life, park yunjin felt rage.

     “ what did i do ? ” the words were out of her mouth before she could stop them. “ what did i do that was so wrong ? ”

      “ you didn’t do anything, ni— ”

     “ clearly, i did ! ” her voice raising was a shock to them all, even herself. she wasn’t one to yell, to erupt in anger. it didn’t feel comfortable but it felt like the only way to relieve the pressure that seemed to press to her chest like a goddamn anvil. “ he was okay being you guys’ dad but then— i came along and suddenly, he wanted out of the picture. he could have picked any other name to call her, but he called her that. why ? ”

     it was obvious that sunhi and jihoon didn’t have an answer to her question. truthfully, jinnie didn’t even know if she actually wanted an answer. logic had all but been thrown out of the window and right now, she simply felt overpowered by emotions. questions that she’d wanted to ask ever since she was a little girl poured out of every crack in her body and she’d run out of tape to temporarily keep it from leaking. she now felt everything that she tried so hard not to feel.

     “ how is it fair, ” her voice cracked on the words as a hand rubbed across her face, trying to rid herself of the tears. “ that i only get to be a chapter in his life but he got the power to write my entire story ? ”

     sunhi’s face crumbled in that very moment and suddenly, she was crying. jihoon’s arm immediately wrapped around her shoulders but she shook her head, pushing him off as she muttered: “ i can’t, i’m sorry. . . i can’t. ” and in a blink of the eye, her sister had disappeared off camera. he frowned, clearly torn between which sister to comfort first. after a moment of contemplation, the oldest stayed in front of the screen, eyebrows worriedly watching jinnie. “ jin — ”

     “ i have to go, oppa. i’m sorry. ” jinnie replied abruptly. 

     before jihoon could respond, she hung up the facetime.

     it didn’t come to much of a surprise to her that he tried calling her right back, this time on his own phone. like sunhi’s contact photo, his featured a baby picture of the two of them. however, jinnie didn’t smile at the sight. she simply pressed the red button to reject the call.

     jihoon tried again, and she rejected it. again. then numbly, she shut the phone off completely. the silence didn’t make her feel better. still, her heart pounded in her chest, echoing in her ribcage in a painful, uncomfortable way. the tears that fell felt like they were being ripped out of her. jinnie hated the feeling. she wanted it to stop, but it felt like it was never-ending. it felt like now that she’d gotten introduced to anger; it was all she could be. shaking hands grabbed the pillow next to her, pressing the surface to smother her face so that she could scream. and scream, she did — for who knows how long. she screamed for the girl she’d once been, for the woman she was now, and for every version in between. she screamed until her throat was raw and she knew she had to stop, unless she wanted to explain to valentines why they wasted the hard-earned money on a hoarse performance that night. once there were no more tears to cry and no more nonsense to scream, jinnie dropped the pillow back to its original place. her body moved faster than her brain could process as her hands reached out for her trusty journal on the nightstand. the notebook, filled to the brim with melancholic lyrics and stream of consciousness thoughts, was never too far away from her. and in that moment, she couldn’t have been more grateful for that fact; jinnie needed somewhere to write down every furious thought crossing her mind right now.

     she wasn’t sure how long she wrote for. her mind was blank with any awareness other than what was on the page in front of her. even when her hand started to cramp, jinnie kept writing, pouring every word onto the paper as if the pen was made from the very blood that flowed through her heart. it wasn’t long before exhaustion slowed down her movements until finally, a piece of her now lived in the pages of her notebook and all of her emotions crashed down into fatigue.

     in the end, jinnie dozed off in a fetal position with the journal clutched to her chest, the latest entry stained with fresh tear stains and ink splotches. 

                                          hate to see you with anot someone new                                     i wish the best put a curse on her and you                              ain’t no turning looking back, now you’re dead and gone

[fmdxsuji]

summary: suji encounters a fan who tells her everything she’s ever wanted to hear date: around midnight promotions word count: 676 words ooc note: -

while suji doesn’t like to make very bold, definite statements, she can’t seem to hide the fact that midnight is her favorite album to this day. that’s why she was more excited than usual for her promotional round. of course, it wouldn’t last long just like her other solo promotions, but she was still glad to be able to share it with her fans. 

fan signs were always something that suji looked forward to. while she was aware that getting picked could be difficult, and she’d love to change how they worked, she couldn’t just change the industry with the snap of her fingers. that’s why she tried her best to ensure that every fan who came got their money’s worth. no matter what others may think, she knew that coming to her fan signs was not an easy task for her fans, and she wanted to make them feel appreciated. 

this fan sign hadn’t been all too different from her others. she put on some cute hats and props that her fans handed to her and made sure to look at all the cameras. she listened to all her fans, and she was excited to hear that they also enjoyed this album quite a bit. there were a few fans who were upset that she didn’t come out with a power ballad, but they also made sure to add on that they still loved the shift in sound that she managed to comeback with. 

suji’s going on with the event when fan number 57 gets on the stage. she’s in the middle of posing with one of her gifted props when the female approaches. while she found it impossible to remember every single fan who came by, she was pretty good at noticing if someone was here for the first time. 

“is this your first time here?” 

the fan simply nodded before pointing down at the album. she flipped over to the page they had assigned and read the sticky note they put down and signed it to their name. seeing that they weren’t saying much, suji thought that maybe they were nervous or shy, so she continued the conversation on her own. 

“did it take you a long time to get here? do you live far away?” looking up, the fan nodded before clearing her throat. she was getting ready to ask her another question to keep the conversation flowing when the fan spoke up. she quickly finished up her signature and looked up, making sure to make eye contact. 

“i know you probably hear this a lot, but i want to tell you that you really changed my life. your solo debut came out when i was in my last year of high school and i wanted to give up, but then i heard big mini world and gained lots of strength.” 

as the fan spoke, suji could see her hands shaking so she reached over and grabbed them before giving her an encouraging smile. “i don’t usually try for fan signs, but i really wanted to tell you this in person. i was pretty lucky because i only bought one album and made it. am i not allowed to say that?” 

suji chuckles as she shakes her head. “it’s totally fine, and i’m happy that i got to meet you as well. thank you for telling me that. i’ll remember it forever, i promise,” she states before offering a pinky promise. her fan manager was telling them that the fan’s time was up, and so the fan quickly stood up. 

this wasn’t the first time that she’s heard such words, but they never get old. it’s exactly the reason why she started making music, and she was glad that the fan mustered up the courage and told her about it, especially because it was her debut album, one that she didn’t love to go back and listen to because everything feels so amateur. 

it’s reasons like this why she continues to write, and she really does think she’ll remember the fan forever.

[hdsoyi]

𝑏𝑒𝑎𝑢𝑡𝑖𝑓𝑢𝑙 𝑏𝑒𝑎𝑢𝑡𝑖𝑓𝑢𝑙 𝑏𝑒𝑎𝑢𝑡𝑖𝑓𝑢𝑙 ✰

self-para in which soyi sees her father again / word count: 640

THE MASK COVERED SOYI’S FACE BUT DID NOTHING TO HIDE THE WAY SHE CHEWED AT HER BOTTOM LIP. This level of anxiety was pretty foreign to her, especially when it came to seeing her father. The two were always close but 3 years spent living away from home and spending 350 days of the year training led to distance growing even though they texted every moment they could.

Soyi took a deep breath and adjusted the cap on her recently bleached blonde head, nervously looking around at the crowd in the airport. The likelihood she’d be recognized was small, but many people here were just like her-- waiting for her father to arrive. It wouldn’t be strange if someone found her familiar, and she didn’t want to deal with the consequences if it did happen. Besides, this is her father’s moment. He’d been filming a movie in Japan for a while, so their contact had slowed but no matter what he always texted her good morning and good night--even when she didn’t remember to respond. She didn’t need to be here. It wasn’t like her asked her to join his crowd of fans to see him fly in-- they were actually supposed to meet for lunch after. But Soyi always loved seeing him in his element. Under the spotlight with all the cameras on him. Seo Soonyoung was her father, and he was a star. Larger than life even.

It always seemed like no matter how much older and bigger she got, he just seemed so far away. Maybe that’s way she’s following in his footsteps-- hoping one day she can be as big as him and she’ll earn her place in the galaxy alongside him.

[  ✉️ | soyi’s shining-twinkling-shooting star appa (>‿◠)✌  ]

my baby soyi~ appa is landing soon!!  ( ๑‾̀◡‾́)σ"  wahhh.. so excited for lunch, please tell me all the stories from training!! love love love you 3000 no 1000000000!!!!

Soyi couldn’t help the way her eyes teared up just from seeing his text message. It was silly, but it made her feel so loved.It didn’t take long for the crowd’s murmuring to turn to loud shouts, drawing Soyi’s attention so sharply she could swear she heard her neck crack. Seeing her father again made her feel like a child. Like he could pick her up and swing her around like he did when she was three. None of the fans or reporters were there-- it was just a father and his daughter.

Disguise be damned.

“Appa!!” Soyi shouted, her eyes full of tears and pushing to the front the best she could. Security, panicked, attempted to push her back but nothing could contain her in this moment. “Appa, it’s Soyi!” Someone would think she was hurt from how hard she cried. The only thing that stopped her tears was the feeling of her being wrapped in a tight hug into a familiar chest.

“Ah, Soyi. You know you can’t just run at me from the crowd like that. You could get hurt.” Soonyoung was laughing, but anyone could tell from the way his voice cracked that he wanted to cry just as badly as she.

“Appa... I missed you so much,” Soyi sniffed and rubbed at her eyes like a toddler, burying herself into her father’s arms. The flashing cameras and growing crowd meant nothing to either of them “I really, really missed you.” “I’m always right here.” Soonyoung meant it with his whole heart, laying a had on top of the cap on her heard and holding her impossibly tighter. “I’ll always be here.”

Soyi wailed again and even though her father laughed, he didn’t loosen his grip on her. Soonyoung was a star, yes, but more than anything he was her father--and she’d love him forever just like he’d always love her.

[dayeonhd]

º ✧ 。––– ( 𝒇𝒍𝒚 𝒉𝒊𝒈𝒉 ) september 2023 / on the flight to los angeles, dayeon is filled with lots of thoughts / 371 words.

the timing was perfect.

frankly, dayeon was starting to feel like she'd hit a brick wall. she was beginning to find herself in a slump with how repetitive her days were becoming and watching some of her closer friends get their debut had her feeling lonelier than ever. however, just as those feelings were on the verge of growing, the company seems to have thrown her a curve ball. despite her excitement for this task, she has to admit she was surprised upon hearing of it. the fact that hydra was expecting their trainees to act as instructors was fascinating, and dayeon couldn't help but feel nervous.

would she be able to pull it off? she did well enough as the leader during the last evaluation, but that was with a group of people she considered her peers. everything felt different now that she would be given the label of instructor.

throughout her whole flight to los angeles, all dayeon could think about was the sense of responsibility she suddenly felt for the trainees she has yet to meet. although this was different from any of the tasks they've been given so far, she can't help but feel that it's going to be heavily weighted on them. this goes beyond skills, which are the basics for idol trainees. no, this was going to be a reflection of what kind of people they are.

it was kind of scary to think about it. she spent the whole twelve hour flight watching the song her trainees would be given, memorizing every line, every move, every beat. while she wasn't the type to hammer in perfection as she valued hard work, she was aware that results would be important.

whatever performance the girls put on would be equivalent to herself. her worth as an instructor and further on, her worth as a trainee back when she returned to hydra after this whole special event.

this was a challenge, but it was one she was up for. this was the kind of excitement that dayeon felt was missing from her life these days, and she couldn't wait to meet up with the trainees. she was ready to pour her heart and hard work into them.

[eunbinbe]

˙ ˖ ✧ — CHRISTMAS CONCERT 2024. aka eunbin performs on stage for the first time as a trainee during the christmas concert.

to be completely honest, eunbin wasn't actually very nervous. sure, this was her first time performing as a trainee, and it'll also be the first time she gets revealed to the world considering she hadn't done any broadcasts before. but she was ready for it all. she truly has spent the past few weeks putting this performance together, and she was quite confident that she'll do well.

the whole singing and dancing at the same time was still tiring, but she's finally learned how to control her breath for at least her parts. that was the whole upside of being part of a group, right? she didn't have to perform this song on her own for the whole three and a half minutes. she'll have the other trainees on stage with her.

also, she likes the lines that she's been given. of course, the trainers probably put their thought into the line distribution, but eunbin thinks that she's been given ones that truly fit her. they're not the most difficult—thank god—and it's not like she was made out to rap or anything. they were definitely parts that she could pull off.

initially, it felt like the concert was an opportunity that came too quickly. she would have loved a few more months under her belt, but this was a nice challenge. it made her push herself to keep trying and trying until she was hitting the right notes and making the performance her own. if anything, this was a good way to show the people in her company that she was ready to be a part of this industry.

letting out one deep breath, she nods to herself as they're quickly ushered onto the stage. performing is nothing new to eunbin. she's been doing it for years now, and she lives off the energy a crowd gives her. while this may be different from her usual audience, she believes that she'll do well.

now it's time to show everybody.

[dazedfeeling]

tag drop

[nvrendngstry]

Yoona had always been obsessed with idols — that much had been obvious. Idol groups had handsome members with beautiful voices and impressive dance skills. They were undeniably better than the average boy. The boys she had known personally paled in comparison; they were often ugly, teased her too much, and annoyed her with their inability to take 'no' for an answer. She wished they would go away and stop telling her that her standards were too high and unrealistic.

She placed these idols on a totem pole, frequently interchanging them as her interests in various groups came and went. It wasn’t that she didn’t appreciate the music they made or the hard work they put in; she simply grew out of certain groups as she matured. Maybe she would be labeled a fake fan for not sticking with every group she liked, but she didn’t care. Her interests in boy bands were no different than her childhood obsession with Barbies and cartoons; she simply outgrew them.

That is until she discovered Racha.

Oh yes, the group with the charming boys: Chris, Minho, and Changbin — she could hardly choose which one she loved the most. The moment Yoona discovered them online and heard one of their songs, she was hooked.

They were incredibly talented, and their music tickled her brain in all the right ways. Racha wasn’t like all the other groups; there was a distinct difference that set them apart, but Yoona wasn’t going to analyze it. She didn’t care about the details; all she cared about were those three men and the music they created.

She opened a fan account on Twitter and regularly stalked their official page. She stayed up to date with everything they did, and when they introduced a new member, it felt like a heavenly choir sang from above, showering her with rays of light.

Yoona knew who her favorite member was as soon as she laid eyes on Hwang Hyunjin.

That perfect man with a stunning face and the most incredible body proportions she had ever seen. He seemed sculpted by the gods, chiseled to perfection. His voice was so enchanting that she often found herself watching content primarily to hear him. Whether he was talking, rapping, or singing, it didn’t matter. Yoona simply wanted to close her eyes and let herself melt into the sound of his voice, pretending the world was fading away. There was nothing but Hyunjin.

Hyunjin was her ultimate bias, and no one could ever take that title away from him. He was the pinnacle.

Suddenly, Yoona’s Racha fan account transformed into a dedicated space just for Hyunjin. She paid closer attention to him than she ever had to anything in her life. While she couldn’t recall a single thing she had learned in school, she could tell you every detail about Hyunjin. She watched or read all the interviews, subscribed to his bubble, and engaged actively on FANS. She liked all his Instagram photos and tuned into his livestreams. If it was Hyunjin’s content, she absorbed it all and kept her followers updated.

She had promised herself that she wouldn’t become one of those delusional fans; they were embarrassing. Yet, she found herself falling down the rabbit hole. Was it dumb? Yes. But could she be blamed for having such a handsome man on her mind all the time? Who could look at him and not be obsessed? And if he distracted her at work, who would know? It wasn’t like recommending outfits to customers in a fashion store required much brain power from her. And if she daydreamed about him walking in and asking for help only to fall in love with her on the spot, what would it matter?

If only that could one day become a reality. Had she imagined every detail of their wedding? Maybe. What she imagined while trying to sleep was no one’s business.

Being a fangirl is incredibly challenging. The constant desire for someone unattainable is torture. Being able to see that person but having no way of ever meeting them makes it even worse. Hyunjin didn’t know she existed, but she tucked that little thought away to avoid disappointment. He would know of her one day, right? What if she finally won a fan call? What if she could afford a fan meeting? What would she do if she actually saw him?

Probably die.

But that wouldn’t benefit either of them. If she met him and suddenly died on the spot, they wouldn’t get the chance to fall in love! But what if he tried to resuscitate her? Oh, that was an interesting thought—

Yoona tapped her fingers against the pale pink keyboard in front of her. On her computer screen was the queue to buy tickets for Racha’s concert. She had done this so many times she had lost count; she was aiming for good seats this time. She had tried before but continuously failed. Yoona wanted to be at the barrier, up front where her chances of being seen were higher. Every other time, she found herself in the most inconvenient seats. How was she supposed to have her moment if Hyunjin couldn’t even see her?

That was the hope, anyway. The reality of that happening wasn’t guaranteed. How many screaming fans had been at the barrier before and had gone unnoticed by every member?

She was different from those other fans—Yoona was pretty and had great fashion sense. While she knew she was no competition for Hyunjin in the beauty department, she was okay with being second best.

The tapping continued as her eyes remained glued to the screen. The line was moving, and she was ready to act at lightning speed. No one was going to take this moment from her. If they did, she would scream in frustration for having her chance snatched away once again. Of course, many other fans were in the same position, wanting their own moment. Did that matter? No, it was a dog-eat-dog world, and she wasn’t about to give up.

Besides, if she gave up on the barrier ticket, wasn’t she giving up on Hyunjin? Not technically, but she wouldn’t let herself think that way. She needed motivation, and dramatics and exaggeration helped.

As soon as she was next in line, her fingers moved at lightning speed to secure the ticket. Yoona had never moved faster in her life. When the moment is critical and her life feels like it’s on the line, she had to be quick —maybe that was a bit dramatic.

The heavens must have been favoring her, as the payment processed successfully, and somehow, she managed to beat the other fans to the punch.

Finally.

It took a moment for Yoona’s brain to process the fact that she had just bought a barrier ticket—one that brought her much closer to Hyunjin. An area where he might actually see her.

She screamed loudly, her feet kicking beneath the desk. This couldn't be real—

It was going to happen: she was going to have her kdrama moment. Hyunjin would be stunned beyond words when his eyes finally landed on her, falling deeply in love at first sight.

Wedding bells were already ringing in her ears.

She was already mentally scanning her closet to choose the perfect outfit. There was time, but Yoona needed that head start. She had to look as beautiful as possible.

It was going to happen.

No, she didn’t want to be one of those delusional fans, and she never openly referred to herself as a fangirl, but maybe it wasn’t so bad after all.

All she needed to do now was get to that concert and stun Hyunjin.

But that was easier said than done, right?

[fatalsmilemoved]

new tags because I wanted something simpler. I'll redo ship tags later.

♡ 。 ᵃⁿ ᵃⁿᵍᵉˡ'ˢ ᶠᵃᶜᵉ && ᵃ ᵈᵉᵛⁱˡ'ˢ ᵍʳⁱⁿ › pinned. ♡ 。 ᵃⁿ ᵃⁿᵍᵉˡ'ˢ ᶠᵃᶜᵉ && ᵃ ᵈᵉᵛⁱˡ'ˢ ᵍʳⁱⁿ › out of character.

♡ 。 ᵃⁿ ᵃⁿᵍᵉˡ'ˢ ᶠᵃᶜᵉ && ᵃ ᵈᵉᵛⁱˡ'ˢ ᵍʳⁱⁿ › interaction ，para.

♡ 。 ᵃⁿ ᵃⁿᵍᵉˡ'ˢ ᶠᵃᶜᵉ && ᵃ ᵈᵉᵛⁱˡ'ˢ ᵍʳⁱⁿ › interaction ，multi para.

♡ 。 ᵃⁿ ᵃⁿᵍᵉˡ'ˢ ᶠᵃᶜᵉ && ᵃ ᵈᵉᵛⁱˡ'ˢ ᵍʳⁱⁿ › interaction ，short.

♡ 。 ᵃⁿ ᵃⁿᵍᵉˡ'ˢ ᶠᵃᶜᵉ && ᵃ ᵈᵉᵛⁱˡ'ˢ ᵍʳⁱⁿ › interaction ，answered.

♡ 。 ᵃⁿ ᵃⁿᵍᵉˡ'ˢ ᶠᵃᶜᵉ && ᵃ ᵈᵉᵛⁱˡ'ˢ ᵍʳⁱⁿ › meme.

♡ 。 ᵃⁿ ᵃⁿᵍᵉˡ'ˢ ᶠᵃᶜᵉ && ᵃ ᵈᵉᵛⁱˡ'ˢ ᵍʳⁱⁿ › interaction ，open.

♡ 。 ᵃⁿ ᵃⁿᵍᵉˡ'ˢ ᶠᵃᶜᵉ && ᵃ ᵈᵉᵛⁱˡ'ˢ ᵍʳⁱⁿ › wishlist.

♡ 。 ᵃⁿ ᵃⁿᵍᵉˡ'ˢ ᶠᵃᶜᵉ && ᵃ ᵈᵉᵛⁱˡ'ˢ ᵍʳⁱⁿ › promo ，self.

♡ 。 ᵃⁿ ᵃⁿᵍᵉˡ'ˢ ᶠᵃᶜᵉ && ᵃ ᵈᵉᵛⁱˡ'ˢ ᵍʳⁱⁿ › promo ，others.

♡ 。 ᵃⁿ ᵃⁿᵍᵉˡ'ˢ ᶠᵃᶜᵉ && ᵃ ᵈᵉᵛⁱˡ'ˢ ᵍʳⁱⁿ › psa.

♡ 。 ᵃⁿ ᵃⁿᵍᵉˡ'ˢ ᶠᵃᶜᵉ && ᵃ ᵈᵉᵛⁱˡ'ˢ ᵍʳⁱⁿ › character study.

♡ 。 ᵃⁿ ᵃⁿᵍᵉˡ'ˢ ᶠᵃᶜᵉ && ᵃ ᵈᵉᵛⁱˡ'ˢ ᵍʳⁱⁿ › calls ，ship.

♡ 。 ᵃⁿ ᵃⁿᵍᵉˡ'ˢ ᶠᵃᶜᵉ && ᵃ ᵈᵉᵛⁱˡ'ˢ ᵍʳⁱⁿ › calls ，starter.

♡ 。 ᵃⁿ ᵃⁿᵍᵉˡ'ˢ ᶠᵃᶜᵉ && ᵃ ᵈᵉᵛⁱˡ'ˢ ᵍʳⁱⁿ › ship inspo.

♡ 。 ᵃⁿ ᵃⁿᵍᵉˡ'ˢ ᶠᵃᶜᵉ && ᵃ ᵈᵉᵛⁱˡ'ˢ ᵍʳⁱⁿ › to be tagged.

[behaein]

♡ ˙ ˖ ✧ — INTO THE DELTAVERSE. aka, haein's audition for INTO THE DELTAVERSE (rough ref.) / skills: singing, dancing (original choreography)

knowing studio delta and their reputation, haein realized that she can't possibly get away with a normal audition tape. she's aware that they're probably looking for something different. someone who catches their eyes immediately. a couple of months ago, she would have been confident that she fit into that category, but she wasn't so sure anymore.

of course, that wouldn't stop her from joining this audition, especially not after all the encouragement she received from her peers at the dance and vocal academies she's been religiously attending. some may think she's appearing too desperate with how many doors she's knocking on, but she likes to call it determination. she doesn't care how many opportunities she has to take up, but she will accomplish what she came to korea for.

eventually, she settles down on an original choreography. again, she contemplated on this because the reps at studio delta most likely have seen her dancing from next gen. it was impossible they couldn't since they were part of the judging panel. however, this was an audition tape which meant at the end of the day, she had to show off what she was best at, and that was still dancing. the original choreography is just her own little twist to show off her skills and what she can bring to the table.

she finishes one draft of the audition tape and almost submits it when she thinks that something's missing. it doesn't seem like enough, so she impulsively heads down to the han river with a video camera. it's the middle of day, which means lots of people, but she's not concerned about that right now. what she needs is an impressive video.

and so she sings the track live along with the choreography that she's made. another chance to show that she isn't a weak vocalist because as much as she's over the humiliation of her voice crack, it's still something that needs to be proven to those who watched next gen and definitely something that'll probably continue to follow her until that day.

by the time she's done with her second draft, haein feels much better. this video and everything just feels a lot more like her. hopefully, whomever watches the video agrees.

[flirticst]

it felt like the longest three minutes in history , juliette left alone with her thoughts as an anxious knee bounced rapidly . what could she do in those three minutes to pass the time? plenty , if she thought hard enough . she could make herself a fresh smoothie in an attempt to appease the nauseating feeling in her stomach , or she could check the hillz twitter page to see whose lives might appear to be as unfortunate as hers right now as if it would offer any sort of reassurance . but she did neither . instead , hazel hues glazed over as they found themselves staring at a random corner of the bathroom that she sat in while she gnawed on manicured french tips .

she'd tried her best to convince herself not to worry , that all the signs leading up to now had been a mere coincidence despite her body trying it's very best to warn her . she'd felt tired . but being fresh off of filming a movie and throwing herself into a life of socializing , indulging every weekend in questionable company , was sure to do that to a person , right ? nauseous , too . but that could easily be put down to the concerns that plagued her regarding the decisions she'd made lately and just what affect they could have on current relationships . or one , in particular … if whatever it was that was left between her and ford could even be considered a relationship anymore . they weren't lovers , nor even friends by normal standards it seemed . and yet still she harbored such guilt over her actions and what that meant for them , as if she even owed him that . but it was when her period hadn't arrived on time that she couldn't ignore it any longer . not for lack of trying , as juliette continued on for at least another five days hoping that it was simply behind on schedule to teach her a lesson of sort . wishful thinking , given that it never did .

quick glance over at the timer on her phone told her that she still had a minute left . long enough at least to make a last minute phone call to either lily or perola , their presence over the phone enough to mean that she wouldn't be entirely alone in her moment of fear and vulnerability . but they had their own problems that required their time and energy , and juliette couldn't drag them into her own mess when the outcome was still undetermined .

standing up , the blonde found herself in front of the mirror as she took in her own reflection . shaky sigh escapes her lips as she attempts to gain composure over her own body , a reassuring glance offered to the fragile girl in front of her as if to say it's going to be okay .

shrill of the timer cuts through silence like a knife , snapping the girl back to reality from where she'd began to dissociate as she wasted no time in reach for the tiny stick that was to determine just how her future was to look from here on , lips parting yet with no sound to follow as the small font rendered her speechless ... pregnant .

[bexduri]

tag dump.

♡. 박두리  ⎯⎯ tag.

[dasom-bh]

tag drop

₊˚⊹ ୨୧ ‧₊˚ ♡︎ : tag