#☯. kaname

[kazeshinigami]

His fingertips brush past Shuuhei's lips then, when the brunet speaks, and Kaname nods slowly. He traces down Shuuhei's chin and then considers his mental image complete. He remembers { though he is sad to say only vaguely } what Shuuhei had looked like. He hadn't had the privilege of ever seeing any kind of joyful expression on his charge's face, only pain, inflicted by yours truly. It almost seems like sensing him has become more difficult now. "May I ask.. Do you smile often?"

It’s hardest to stay in control when Tousen’s fingers are at his lips, but he manages it (though some measure of stiffness may give away his dilemma). As soon as Tousen’s touch has moved on, Shuuhei can’t resist worrying at his lips, licking them as if contact with Tousen’s skin had left some kind of burn… or taste.

The question jostles him a little. His instinctive answers all sound like too much. I used to or Only when I think of you or I would more if I knew you didn’t hate me. “It depends,” he says instead, as much as it’s a vague and unhelpful answer. He tries to shore this up with, “I’m sure you remember how moody I’ve always been. It’s only because of the discipline you taught me that I don’t always wear my heart on my sleeve.”

[kazeshinigami]

how did shuuhei become, let's say, infatuated with his captain/tousen? go!

ANGEL. hmm, well, i have my default way of thinking what caused it, but that can also be subject to change depending on writing partner. but i think that, regardless of those variations, there is a unifying thread:

shuuhei basically imprinted on tousen during a time when he was broken. and since shuuhei is usually only drawn to a person with any kind of intensity if that attraction is of a physical (read: sexual) nature, he assumes that this must be the case with how he feels about tousen as well, when it’s actually a lot more muddled with hero-worship and some kind of yearning for familial connection??? messy stuff — and shuuhei just wraps all of this up under the belief that he is in love with tousen, because that is easier than sorting out the conflicting elements that are actually more reflective of his own emptiness than of anything about tousen.

[kazeshinigami]

How can you say you are completely devoted to tousen and then kill him ?

do whatever you can to make my muse hate themselves

He has no response at first. What can he possibly say? The stranger is, of course, correct to question the hypocrisy of his actions. How can he explain himself when even he cannot reconcile what he had done within his own mind?

Komamura at his side, looking at him with concern. Shuuhei knows he should still be on the ground with the other lieutenants, barely able to move after Ayon’s onslaught. Yet here he is. The pain in his heart is already far greater than any injuries. He tries to confront his captain, his mentor, his family… only to be told that he still hasn’t taken the most important lesson truly to heart.

Traded blows. A brief moment when he seems to have Tousen at his mercy, when he all but cries, begs his most important person to explain everything to him. Tousen’s lack of compunction when he stabs Shuuhei and kicks him off a roof. The awful, horrible moment that Shuuhei sees what can’t possibly be an opening, because the Tousen he knows would never permit such an easy attack from behind, but he rushes in anyway. He has to, doesn’t he? He can’t let Komamura die.

The horror when his blade finds purchase, and he has to face that this isn’t the Tousen he knows (maybe he never was), and that premature grief is all that compels him to speak Kazeshini’s name and finish it.

Shuuhei unconsciously wipes his hands on his hakama, as if there may still be blood there. “…I… I struck… because I am completely devoted to the man he was… to the ideals that my captain taught me… If our positions had been reversed… I would hope he would have done the same.”

But such platitudes don’t make him wish any less that he could have taken Aizen’s final blow instead. He would gladly have given his life in order to give Tousen a second chance. And he will forever regret being unable to save the person he had loved most.

[kazeshinigami]

Do you want to get with Tousen?

“…’Get with’ doesn’t really capture it. For once, what I feel isn’t just physical when it comes to Tousen-taichou. I… love him. Even after everything that happened, I love him. I want to stay by his side and, in some small way, encourage him. I don’t have Komamura-taichou’s eloquence, but… yeah. Even if he does hate this world… maybe he doesn’t hate me. Maybe it’s… possible he could… learn to love again.”