#☞ byakuya/zodiac

[irlkisukeurahara]

GOD all of Tumblr wants to FUCK me

[irlkisukeurahara]

his eyes are like the setting sun, orange and bright, with beautiful brown skin that illuminates beautifully in the sun. his hair looks so soft, the color of it quite the beautiful shade of royal purple, all except for two strips of hair. two strips of hair at each side that fade from black to blue. he told me he dyed his hair in that manner because of inosuke. I just think it looks pretty, pretty like the night sky. his beauty captivated me out of nowhere, causing me to question the identity I've held for 200 years now. it's different, but maybe different is okay sometimes.

[irlkisukeurahara]

feeling a little too human right now can we dial it back thanks

[irlkisukeurahara]

The moment I have truly let myself feel emotion is the exact moment they decide to swallow me whole. Now trapped in a vortex of human feelings that don't belong in my heart, I don't know what options I have, or could ever have. How could I ever face him like this? Could I ever face anyone like this? A bubbling and babbling mess, pale porcelain face now fading to red. This isn't my job, not as a protector, not as a Captain. I've fallen in love once before, I loved her, I loved every second of those days. But those days are gone, to never return. She will be gone forever, and the memories fade more and more day by day. I've begun to forget what love truly felt like, so I am not even sure that it's how I feel. It shouldn't be so. He's male, and I don't like men. I shouldn't like men. I couldn't suddenly gain an attraction to men, could I? No, I don't believe so. It's not how it works, is it? This should not be the case. It's been two hundred years, how could things suddenly change so drastically for me? This isn't my purpose. I promised him I'd protect him, I promised him this because he deserves better. I promised him this because his ex put him through hell. I promised him this because he was chewed up and spit out by the people who claimed to love him. In a way I saw myself in him. So I wanted to protect him. It ends there, or at least it should. Though here I am, second guessing myself, after existing for three hundred years. He's but a human, a human male, something I should've never felt affection towards. But I feel such feelings of affection swallowing me up as we speak, and I don't know how ever I should cope with it. If I ever could, that is. Can I even help myself? I feel myself pathetically writhing and wriggling in the disgusting thick blanket that is human emotions, as it wraps around and consumes me before I even have a chance to react. No matter how much I exclaim about how it isn't fair, nothing will change. I am meant to be Byakuya Kuchiki, but something... Something's different, now. I've given myself a sort of...mission? to protect him for well over a year by now. But out of nowhere, I'm suddenly different about him. And I don't know what to do. And I don't believe I ever will know.

[irlkisukeurahara]

cont. from last post

But honestly this is disastrous for me. I've been dealing with a serious mental health crisis and inner world conflict. I'm finally coping with the hardest thing my life outside of source has thrown at me. Accepting that I might be good enough. And now. Right now. NOW is when the brain decides. Hm. Let's give Byakuya a sexuality crisis. 200 years, I've identified as a heterosexual male. Why now? Why now am I thinking twice on it? Of all days, of all lifetimes? Let me go back to being an emotionally detached and stunted Shinigami please.