#◜ ♱ : [ ᶠⁱᵍ ⁰⁴ ] aesthetics.

[punkmacabre]

◟    🪦     𝐉𝐎𝐇𝐍  𝐕𝐒  𝐆𝐔𝐈𝐋𝐓: a delusional one woman essay.

john     and     his     guilt     hold     a     very     complex     relationship     with     one     another.     it's     a     strength     and     a     weakness,     in     a     business     where     it's     bad     luck     to     look     back,     (     there's     too     many     bloody     ghosts     following     behind.     )     guilt     is     always     there     as     an     old     friend,     a     starved     dog     and     the     crux     that     haunt     his     narrative.     it's     the     very     thing     he's     born     into     feeling     . . .

( note: below the cut will delve into heavily triggering topics, which is listed in the tags, read at your own risk. )

after     the     death     of     his     mother;     the     guilt     of     taking     a     life,     for     destroying     a     home     before     it     was     fully     built     (     it's     important     to     note:     the     death     of     his     mother     isn't     his     fault.     but,     instead     of     being     something     usually     self     inflicted,     the     beginnings     of     this     is     a     mix     of     confused     grief     for     guilt     -     projected     upon     by     his     father     -     and     desperation     for     his     approval,     for     his     love.     )     the     feeling     becomes     mixed     with     teenage     anguish,     anger     for     the     world     and     his     father.     at     sixteen     tying     his     father's     soul     and     cursing     a     dead     cat     to     bring     a     slow,     painful     death     to     enact     vengeance.     it's     immediate,     realising     how     extreme     he     took     things,     (     and     with     no     way     to     reverse     the     spell,     because     there's     always     a     price     to     pay.     )     john     buried     the     cat     with     formaldehyde     and     his     very     first,     visceral     experience     with     guilt.

he     then     leaves,     explores     the     edges     of     london     in     his     twenties,     and     he     is     angry.     furious     at     the     world,     wrathful     at     his     faith,     destructive     towards     himself.     called     killer     by     his     own     father     for     so     long,     (     and,     in     such     morbid     humour,     it's     almost     prophetic.     )     and     alongside     the     flight     or     fight,     the     constant     duck     and     weave,     his     heavy     reliance     on     magic     finalises     his     path     of     self     destruction.     magic     is     a     tool,     a     survival     tactic,     a     confidence     boost     even.     he     feels     entirely     guilty     for     leaving     his     father     and     sister,     but     it's     drowned     out     by     punk     music,     constant     drinking     and     smoking,     and     magic.   

then     came     along     astra     logue.     where     his     one,     first     and     only,     true     samaritan     act     led     to     an     innocent     girl     being     condemned     to     hell.     john     didn't     know     her     until     that     faithful     night,     but     he     certainly     recognised     her.     trapped     by     an     abusive     father,     deep     down,     perhaps     if     he     could     save     her     then     there'd     be     some     absolution     to     what     he     experienced     in     his     own     childhood.     but     he's     desperate,     and     reckless,     and     he's     left     to     carry     that     guilt     until     he     meets     astra     in     hell.     those     who     were     there     in     newcastle     solely     place     the     blame     on     john,     in     ravenscar     he's     viewed     as     nothing     but     a     guilty     man     who     killed     an     innocent     girl     (     and     after     experiencing     such     a     traumatic     experience,     sent     to     an     asylum     where     he'd     be     abused     and     drugged     -     how     else     are     you     suppose     to     view     yourself     ?     )     

and     the     cycle     of     guilt and anger     repeats     and     repeats.     it     happens     again     with     gary     lester     (     his     body     used     to     trap     the     demon     mnemoth     ),     ray     monde     (     leaving     him     defenceless     with     a     then     girlfriend,     while     out     investigating     )     past     lovers     (     emma,     zed,     kit,     oliver     -     the     fear     of     commitment,     the     tendency     of     their     association     with     them     often     resulting     in     some     sort     of     danger.     )     the     ghosts,     which     remains     to     be     uncertain     given     how     fractured     his     grasp     on     reality     is     /     himself     being     an     unreliable     narrator,     can     also     be     viewed     as     physical     manifestations     of     his     guilt.     appearing     at     times     where     john     is     at     his     very     low     in     his     self-loathing     and     hatred. when his appearance looks worse for wear.     and     even     with     himself:     in     all     of     his     lonesome,     guilt     remains     a     constant     reminder     to     do,     and     to     be,     better     than     every     supercilious     divine     and     unholy     being     that     looks     down     upon     humanity,     and     refuses     to     see     them     as     nothing     but     collateral.

however,     if     john     is     given     a     chance     to     choose     doing     the     right     thing     or     the     thing     that'll     save     his     skin,     (     his     friends     and     loved     ones     if     he     can,     as     he     finds     his     own     worth     in     them.     )     john     will     instinctively, and destructively,     choose     himself.     because     in     this     cycle,     in     this     guilt,     he's     entirely     alone     and     that     is     his     burden     to     carry.     it's     his     very     guilt     that     has     almost     become     a     tool     for     him     over     the     years.     it's     what     keeps     him     standing,     what     makes     him     a     right     bastard,     (     but     one     that     holds     so     much     compassion     and     love,     )     as     he     knows     grief     comes     but     guilt     remains,     always     will     and     always     have.

no     one     truly     knows     or     understands     how     guilty     he     is     besides     him     and     g-d,     (     but     after     abandoning     his     faith     in     his     teen     years,     and     coming     to     terms     with     the     truth:     no     one     will     save     them,     humanity,     except     them.     )     people     will     pass     judgement     and     observation,     call     him     a     bastard     and     every     insult     under     the     sun,     because     he'll     carry     that     too.     

guilt,     at     the     end     of     the     day,     when     all     his     friends     leave     and     no     one     else     remains,     guilt     has     been     the     very     friend     john     can     rely     on     and     his     own     tormentor.