#⊰ ❛ ♦ . * ── study. / there is a strong light within him still .
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#⊰ ❛ ♦ . * ── images. / like the earth ‚ with strength immutable .#⊰ ❛ ♦ . * ── aqua. / but not too far or you’ll be drowned .#⊰ ❛ ♦ . * ── ventus. / a breeze whispering through treetops .#⊰ ❛ ♦ . * ── riku. / no more borders around ‚ or below ‚ or above .#⊰ ❛ ♡ . * ── wayfinder trio. / an unbreakable connection .#⊰ ❛ ♦ . * ── study. / there is a strong light within him still .#⊰ ❛ ♦ . * ── musings. / your heart will never be lost .#⊰ ❛ ♦ . * ── aesthetic. / every star is another world .#⊰ ❛ ♦ . * ── music. / a melody with words you cannot recall .#⊰ ❛ ♦ . * ── desires. / the heart’s true nature .#⊰ ❛ ♦ . * ── arc i. / a star ‚ tearing through the night sky .#⊰ ❛ ♦ . * ── arc ii. / & i was in the darkness ‚ so darkness i became .#⊰ ❛ ♦ . * ── arc iii. / consume the darkness ‚ return it to light .#⊰ ❛ ♦ . * ── arc iv. / a light lost in the dark seas .#⊰ ❛ ♦ . * ── arc v. / birthright cursed with a heavy weight .#⊰ ❛ ♦ . * ── arc vi. / the noble earth ‚ with shields cast .#⊰ ❛ ♦ . * ── arc vii. / just as long as you stand by me .#⊰ ❛ ♦ . * ── arc viii. / scarlet threads weave your fate .#⊰ ❛ ♦ . * ── arc ix. / mists will lead where you belong .#⊰ ❛ ♦ . * ── memes. / words just beyond our reach .#⊰ ❛ ♦ . * ── answered. / & you will find me friend .#⊰ ❛ ♦ . * ── ooc. / mothers & fuckers of the jury .#⊰ ❛ ♦ . * ── self promo. / who put you on the planet ??#⊰ ❛ ♦ . * ── promo. / hearts in tune .#⊰ ❛ ♦ . * ── saved. / so long as you champion the ones you love .#⊰ ❛ ♦ . * ── crack. / can i please get a waffle ??#⊰ ❛ ❤ . * ── sinumsolis ft. fubuki. / i carry your heart ‚ it’s here in my heart .#⊰ ❛ ❤ . * ── darkheartedprince. / tell me every terrible thing & let me love you anyway .#⊰ ❛ ❤ . * ── rexelectus. / as the world comes to an end ‚ i’ll be here to hold your hand .
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fourteen has to be such a lonely age, terra thinks. for a moment, it’s almost comforting to think about the fact that maybe he’s not alone, that maybe someone else, somewhere else, is fourteen as well, and feels like no one in the world can understand them.
and then he feels guilty, because he wouldn’t wish whatever he’s feeling on anyone else, it wouldn’t be fair, it wouldn’t be right .
so he waffles, alone in his room, because it would be nice to have someone who could understand, but at the same time, it would be cruel to want someone else to be suffering the same way he is, grappling with all the wrong thoughts about all the wrong people.
he knows that he should look at aqua, think about aqua more than he does, maybe in a different way. he should look at her, all calm grace and quiet strength, and be enchanted somehow, should be drawn to her. he should think that she’s beautiful, powerful, he should think something about her that he just can’t seem to.
because when he looks at aqua, he doesn’t see any grace or quietness to her. he sees the girl who always has to one-up him, be just that much better than him, and rub it in his face every time. he doesn’t think of her as beautiful or powerful, he thinks of her as mean, as stubborn and rude and everything he hates.
terra knows, though, that despite that, he should feel something towards her, because she’s a girl and he’s a boy. but the only thing he feels towards her is anger most of the time, not anything any story he’s read says he should. he can’t feel anything like that for aqua, can’t picture himself with her in any way.
maybe, he thinks, maybe the issue is because it’s aqua.
he tries to picture the type of girl he might like, polite and pretty and gentle, but not a pushover, either. he thinks about a girl with long hair, bright eyes, thinks about holding her hand, about ki-
terra doesn’t finish that thought, feeling a wave of nausea settle over him and sink like a rock in his stomach. the problem isn’t aqua or any imaginary girl he could think of.
the problem, terra realizes, with no small amount of shame, is him.
because every time he thinks about what kind of girl he might like, the image is always distorted. shoulders are always a little too broad, voice a little too deep, hands a little too calloused to belong to any girl.
when he pictures the kind of girl he might like, terra finds that without fail, he can never picture any girls, only another boy.
the realization fills him with dread, and terra presses his face tighter into the pillow he’s clutching. he was right, the problem was with him. because boys aren’t supposed to think about other boys like that, the way that they’re supposed to think about girls. he shouldn’t think about holding another boy’s hand, sitting close enough that their knees touch, and he definitely shouldn’t think about kissing another boy.
but he does, and he feels two things all at once.
he feels a sickening sense of relief, in allowing himself to be free with just this one thing.
the second thing he feels is shame. deep, gut-wrenching, heart-breaking shame. because he’s broken, there has to be something wrong with him, isn’t there ??
there’s no one he can ask, either. he certainly can’t tell aqua, she’d lord it over him like she does everything else, and he can’t bear the thought of her knowing. he certainly can’t talk to ven, the poor kid barely says anything, there’s no way he’d understand what terra’s feeling, and terra couldn’t stand to burden him with anything else.
he doesn’t even entertain the thought of going to master eraqus, terra doubts the man would really listen to him anyway, and even if he did, terra doubted he’d say anything he wanted or needed to hear.
that shame curls around his heart, squeezes so tightly terra feels like he cant breathe, like something will break if it doesn’t let it up. face pressed into the pillow, he lets out a choked sob, shoulders shaking as he tries desperately not to fall apart.
fourteen, terra thinks, truly is the loneliest age to be.
#listen terra's lik 14 and has MASSIVE amounts of internalized homophobia....hes trying his best#◟ ⋆ ° . ♦ ／ study . there’s a strong light within him still .#anyways yes i am going 2 make u all read abt terra's sexuality crisis + my personal hcs abt him n aqua's early years#so there :)#i
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what form of love do you embody ??
love as light
[ love as a luminous force—warm, radiant, and golden ] when mary oliver wrote "light of the world hold me” and when charles bukowski said “I look at her and light goes all through me” and when david viscott said “to love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides”and when e. e. cummings said “lovers alone wear sunlight”
TAGGED BY: @sinumsolis TAGGING: @lightfought, @burntasteria, whoever else wants to do it !!
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