#⊰ ❛ ♦ . * ── musings. / your heart will never be lost .

[erthshaker]

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[restlessmaknae]

kids in the dark

“You say it like you know me.”

“I know you because I know myself.”

♦ Pairing: high school senior!Changbin x high school senior!reader/you

♦ Genre: angst, kind of real-life bittersweet

♦ Words: 1.9k

♦ Warning: -

♦ Inspired by: All Time Low’s Kids In The Dark track

You looked at the school yard bathing in the last rays of sunshine, swimming in the vast ocean of the tangerine light and crashing against the waves of the wind. You looked at the students playing football and listened to the cacophony of the joyous laughter and the heartful yells that accompanied the match. You looked at your own hands, fingers aching from writing so much, nails brittle from constantly chewing on them and skin fragile from forgetting to apply any kind of skincare product on your pale skin.

You let out a long sigh, hoping that it would be carried away with the passing breeze, becoming one with the clouds and going away, so that you would never have to look at it again, you would never have to experience all of it. The uncertainty, the worry, the pressure. The wild rhythm of your heartbeat, the spiraling thoughts in your head and the never-ending masses of whys. You wished you could wake up one day without feeling the immense weight of the future, the immense weight of your present actions and the consequences they carried. Slowly, like the cherry blossoms on the trees, you started withering away, constantly falling, falling and falling down.

“It’s hard, isn’t it?” A voice suddenly asked from behind you, the syllables gently playing on your heartstrings.

Your head immediately snapped back to look at the owner of the voice, and you weren’t even surprised that you couldn’t recognize the unfamiliar face. People’s faces got lost so easily in the sea of students who were supposed to do everything the same way, who were supposed to have the same results, the same grades and the same competency. It was a system full of errors and impossible goals, incredibly high expectations that no one could meet.

Your breath was caught in your throat, your heart hammering away rapidly. Who was this boy, and how could he know what you were thinking about? Was it that obvious?

“It is.” You nodded nevertheless, averting your eyes back to the scenery. Your heart was so heavy, it was almost like a glass that was filled with water, and it was just a matter of time that it would overspill. You felt like you couldn’t even take a break to just breathe, to just exist because you couldn’t see the end of your duties. Every day was the same old sick little routine.

“It sucks, isn’t it? Deciding what you want to do for the rest of your life when you are still just a child?” he mused loudly as he walked closer to you, coming to a halt when he reached the barrier, when he reached you. Now, you weren’t the only one who stood on the rooftop, wondering how those youngsters on the field could still be so full of life, so full of joy and how could nature still be so beautiful. Didn’t it get tired from always being this breathtaking?

“And then they’ll blame you if you decide later on that you want to do something else,” you added bitterly, already feeling sorry for those wandering souls including you who had no idea what they wanted to do with their life.

When were you supposed to figure it all out? While you were taking language exams one after another? While you were drifting apart from friends and growing cold towards your relatives? While you were battling your own demons?

You could see from the corner of your eyes that the boy nodded, yet he didn’t say a single word for a few minutes. You were both lost in thought, bittersweet memories of your care-free days resurfacing as you looked at the kids who were playing on the field. When you were their age, you were just like them; innocent, energetic and so very positive. As years went by and you’ve experienced more and more hardships and obstacles you thought you could never overcome, you grew tired of always looking things on the bright side, of always tasting failure when you least expected it and of losing people who were close to you, let it be drifting apart from each other or encountering death through a loved one’s loss.

Where did it all go? Where did the old you who could laugh until you cried go? Where did all those afternoons lazing around, playing games and talking honestly go? Now, you were nothing but a ball of anxiety. Now you didn’t even dare to tell the truth anymore because you were afraid that you would hurt someone unintentionally. Now you were afraid of being yourself.

Because they wouldn’t love you, because they wouldn’t accept you. That was always what was going through your head and just like an emergency alarm going off, you didn’t dare to see what would happen if you stayed inside the barriers.

“They are loud, aren’t they?” the unfamiliar boy broke the silence as he rested his palms on the barrier. You were almost about to ask whom he meant when he caught you off-guard. “The voices in your head?”

Your heart skipped a beat when he asked the question that no one had asked you before. No matter how many nights you’ve spent sleeplessly, no matter how many times you had to grit your teeth to keep going despite the malicious words of the voices in your head, no one had asked. You were afraid that you were losing it for real because you were certain that only those had to deal with these voices who were already treated for some kind of a mental illness. Honestly, you were terrified of becoming one of them.

“How do you know?” you asked quietly as you turned to him, eyes searching for his but meeting only the side of his profile. He was still watching the kids on the field, his lips pressed into a thin line, his charcoal locks sitting messily on the top of his head. He didn’t budge to deal with the locks that fell into his orbs, he didn’t care about the loose tie around his neck and his creasy school uniform. He was the complete opposite of you, yet you could feel an invisible string pulling you closer to him.

“I think we all have it the same way; the ones who were left in the dark,” he mused seriously, and from the way the words left his mouth, you could tell just how much he had meant what he had said. It was as if he had been reading your thoughts, and it was both scary and reassuring. You couldn’t quite put a finger on him, but you had a feeling that you could relate to him. A lot, actually.

“You say it like you know me.”

That’s when he tore his gaze away from the kids and turned to face you. As you were face-to-face with him, you could feel as he was towering over you even though he was probably not the tallest boy of his age. You still had to crane your neck to look him in the eye, but for the hidden autumn that you found in his orbs, it was all worth it. His eyes were just like the season, their elegantly dark colours soothed your frazzled nerves, and you could feel the smooth breeze caressing your skin while you were looking at them. They were neither freezing cold, nor humidly hot, they were of just the right amount of warmth, but the scars that you could see hidden behind all the colourful myriad indicated that he had been through a lot. You immediately felt that your secret - this conversation and your hidden spot on the rooftop - was safe with him. You could trust him.

“I know you because I know myself,” he confessed as easily as the wind blows between the trees even though the weight of his words was immense. You had never felt so connected to anyone before, and it had been only a few minutes since you started talking to this boy. He seemed to understand you with and without words, thus it was easy to tell him how you felt.

“It’s so damn hard to just…” You started hesitantly, fearing to face the truth, fearing to say the words out loud. He didn’t seem to mind though, he waited and waited until you were brave enough to speak up again. “It’s so hard to just live sometimes.”

Many sleepless nights and painful moments were sacrificed to suppress such epiphany. You wanted nothing else but to shout the words from the rooftop until your lungs would give in, until your throat would become dry and the words would bleed out in front of you. You wanted nothing but to get reassurance from others that you weren’t the only one who felt this way.

However, you were terrified of facing the truth, of coming to terms with the fact that you found it hard to merely exist sometimes when you should have been so thankful that you were born in this age and in this society, that you had a roof above your head and a family, that you even had the chance to attend high school. The ambivalence of the whole situation tore you apart, and who could you turn to with such thoughts? Your parents wouldn’t understand, your teachers wouldn’t understand and friends? You didn’t have any close ones.

Then came this boy with the truth of the world in his eyes and the most reassuring words, and you finally had someone to turn to. You felt a peace of mind that you hadn’t felt so long.

“I know.” The boy nodded solemnly, watching as the first teardrop escaped your eyes, the water overspilling in the glass of your life. You couldn’t bear it anymore, the confession was the tip of the iceberg, and you could no longer suppress how you really felt. You knew it, he knew it, there was no way back.

“I know,” he repeated as more tears came to the surface.

You no longer had to muffle your sobs, you no longer had to hold back the tears and it was such a deliberating feeling. You let it all out, you let the darkness meet the light and you let a little bit more empathy into your life as Changbin entered your life.

He understood you more than anyone, and he wasn’t afraid to say how he felt and to show that he would be willing to there for you even if you opened up, even if you didn’t. His care was unconditional, but with him by your side, you weren’t afraid to face the truth anymore, and that alone made your life a bit easier, a bit less daunting.

Changbin wasn’t your source of hope, but he did open your eyes, and you couldn’t have been more thankful for him. Senior year was a bit less lonely because you had someone who could understand you and who could be understood by you, and soon your breaks were filled with him, your notebook was filled with scratches of him and your life was a bit less dark.