#↻ ⋆ 「 박준태 」 — park juntae —— interactions

[aspcrity]

“ i cannot say goodbye. “ (dongtae)

↻ ⋆ take me to the ocean ⟪ AFTER ANATEVKA ⟫ | status: not accepting

“i know.” juntae is sighing, pushing his face into the furry hood of donggu’s winter jacket. he doesn’t want to leave, but his plane is leaving so soon. his luggage is already long checked in, as they had decided to lounge around together for another hour or two before juntae has to make his way through security. “i love you so much, it pains me to go.” his leaning back from the hug just to face donggu, not caring about the people around them all that much - he knows donggu usually does at least decently, but it doesn’t matter now when they’re about to be separated for god knows how long again, putting ten thousand kilometres between them. he hates this part. he hates the goodbyes, and the sad tears in donggus eyes even though they both know they have willingly chosen this. it still hurts, and it will always be awful to leave one another. “let’s not say goodbye, donggu-yah. let’s say until next time, instead? i’ll be back? anything, anything that normal couples would say when leaving for work and returning home in the evening again.” he sighs, throat getting clogged up. “even if it’s just pretending, god, goodbyes feel awful, formal, and as if we’re not coming back to one another. i always will come back to you. it might take some time, but i won’t ever not come back. my heart is unmistakenly yours.”

[aspcrity]

"maybe we can go together.” ( dongtae )

↻ ⋆ take me to the ocean ⟪ 100 WAYS ⟫ | status: not accepting

“yeah … i think i’d like that.” juntae smiles at donggu, softly. they’re finally getting there. he has left the option for donggu to come along to the big family festivities open, didn’t want to push him into it. attending such a big get together with his parents and sisters also joining from overseas is probably not too easy on donggu who’s still worried juntae’s family loathes him now. they don’t. his parents have said that whatever happens between you two, is between you two. you’re old enough to figure it out. and if you don’t, you don’t, and that’s okay. we’re no one to judge that and not only is juntae glad about it, but he also uses it to reassure donggu whenever he can. he needs it, after all. he’s still beating himself up about the ordeal of their break up, and juntae is also partially to blame for making it so damn hard for donggu to bounce back into his life. he has made it harder than he needed it to make, and it was unfair often times. 

they’re over that now, he thinks. mostly. licking each others healing wounds instead of only tending their own. donggu wanting to go with him is a huge step forward, and juntae will do anything in his power to make donggu not regret this. he’ll ward anyone off that he has to - he knows not everyone in his family is forgiving, let alone tolerant - but it’s also not their business at all, and juntae has a strong personality to get them off his back. “my parents have actually asked about you and your decision … but i didn’t want to put pressure on you. they would’ve tried to grab lunch with us if you decided not to come along, probably. they really want to see you, said they miss you lots.” he takes donggu’s hand in his and pulls him in, pressing a light kiss against his cheek. “the twins, too. they still think you’re the better brother because you always let them stay up until the crack of dawn.”

[aspcrity]

"and i was hoping maybe you’d give me another chance?” ( dongtae )

↻ ⋆ take me to the ocean ⟪ 100 WAYS ⟫ | status: not accepting

“i don’t know what to say, if i’m being honest.” juntae lets out a long, long sigh. he lifts his hands in a defensive manner, wanting to calm donggu at least a little bit despite his words. “i’m not opposed to it, just so you know. i just want to be as transparent as possible right now, because it’s one hell of a heartbreak. i still love you to no end, i still … i’m not over you, not in the slightest. my love for you hasn’t changed one bit, donggu-yah.” he gestures the other to take a seat with him, next to each other on the couch in his smelly, awful apartment. “i want us to be us again. i don’t want us to be over. i hate the thought of it. i’m just really fucking scared, this whole ordeal left me with wounds i’m still licking, you know? not like you’re unfazed either, i know that.” he’s frustrated with the way he’s coming across right now. he feels a little pathetic, crawling back to donggu like this but knows the other put all his pride aside and probably feels the same. “i do want to give you that chance, i really do. i’m just not brave enough, yet. we really need to talk this whole thing out and how to move forward before. and i want to take it slow, if you don’t mind. you left so abruptly i feel like i have to get used to you again, and i don’t want to ruin our second try with being scared and unsure all the time. i don’t want to make this more difficult than it already is.” donggu looks at him so unsure and dejected, tears brimming. it makes tears well up in juntae’s eyes as well and he takes the others’ hand in his. squeezes it. “i’m not rejecting you. i’m not saying i’m not giving you another chance. i just want us to be prepared for everything, and to think things really through. we can’t afford to fall into a cycle like this. i want you and me to be happy, preferably together.”

[aspcrity]

"let’s talk. fill me in with everything. every little detail.” ( dongtae )

↻ ⋆ take me to the ocean ⟪ 100 WAYS ⟫ | status: accepting

donggu is trying the utmost. a part of juntae feels as if donggu is putting more effort than he ever did when they were together - and doesn’t mean it negatively. his ex-boyfriend always works hard, no matter what it is. even after juntae has slammed the door shut multiple times, donggu is here again, determined to make up for what happened. the both of them needed hanbin and daeyeol to mediate, to let a conversation even happen in the first place. that was a week ago. juntae had offered that after taking some time to process and deal, he’d shoot donggu a message. i’m ready was answered with omw 30 mins, and now donggu stands in the doorframe, heaving. he obviously ran. juntae lets donggu in with a nod, stepping aside and carefully closing the door behind him. he’s visibly nervous. it takes a little time for them to settle down and juntae gets them drinks - his mouth is dry. juntae doesn’t know where to start, and he feels the anxiety from donggu, too. “i’m gonna try.” he nods again and avoids donggu’s watchful eye for a bit as he stammers out, trying to find a beginning and the first detail in chronological order after donggu had broken up with him so abruptly. “you know how everything was already settled. visa, sold off the flat, flight and everything … and then i had nowhere to go here, at first. the flight was horrible, and when i landed and hanbin hyung picked me up, i was miserable and he had to stop me scheduling a flight back to england and returning more than once the two weeks i stayed at his and daeyeol hyungs place. i just wanted to go back and give up on everything i wanted because it felt horrible to be here. in the end, i took the first shitty flat and job i found, and hanbin hyung kicked my ass for both but i just … i just didn’t care anymore. now i’m stuck in a smelly, crappy flat with a shit job teaching spoiled rich kids while the position barely pays all of my expenses.” he sighs, running his hand over his face. it’s tiresome, frustrating, and juntae admits he also feels incredibly humiliated. “i’m sorry. you said details and i just rambled on. i’m gonna … i’m gonna give you the details. i feel like i just had to get it off my chest first. like a summary, or something stupid like that.”

[aspcrity]

‘come here. let me fix it.’ (dongtae)

↻ ⋆ take me to the ocean ⟪ different ways to say i love you ⟫ | status: not accepting

“thank you, darling.” juntae smiles like an idiot and just sits down next to where donggu is standing at the kitchen table. he stares at his boyfriend while he lets him fix his hair, looking regal and fantastic in his suit. neither of them are wearing ties or bows, and juntae convinced them to unbutton the first button of their dress shirts. donggu looks hot, and juntae wants to be mad that he can’t touch. but then he remembers they’re about to attend his sisters’ graduation, and all is well again. “thank you for coming.” he squeezes donggu’s leg and hums, so eternally grateful that they’re both working so hard to make them work again. it’s been some time, and donggu had been incredibly scared that juntae’s family might hate him after what had happened. they still welcome him wide, open arms however, and tell him they’re glad to see him and ask him about anything and everything that might have happened in his life. they’re so interested in him as if it’s their first day - but they let him know he’s not a stranger to them, or that they judge him differently now. they still love them like they did before, and sometimes bad things need to happen for things to get better. they’re talking about this over a few glasses of soju late at night, the twin sisters dozing off on the couch in the living room while the adults sit in the kitchen. juntae’s dad is wearing his tie around his neck, and his mother has her feet in her husband’s lap. juntae is squashing his cheek against donggu’s shoulder - but because his back is starting to hurt in this position, he switches it up to hang his arm around donggu’s shoulder and press a kiss on his cheek. “don’t look so worried, love. the past is the past.” and he really feels like this is true. their wounds are healing. juntae isn’t bitter about it anymore, and he just wants that future with donggu he always wanted.

[aspcrity]

‘stay there. i’m coming there to get you.’ ( dongtae )

↻ ⋆ take me to the ocean ⟪ different ways to say i love you ⟫ | status: not accepting

juntae is a little whiny, but he agrees with donggu - it’s no use arguing with him on this, especially after navigation apps have failed him. he’s lost beyond saving, on little alleyways no map seems to even know; donggu knows where he is immediately, though. just from one single description. you’re not too far, he says, remember the way and you can surprise me next time. the statement makes juntae whine again in protest, but then he remembers there’s a part of the whole surprise donggu doesn’t know about. it’s not much, not at all, but donggu loves these cakes a lot and juntae just had to get them for him. for this special date. an anniversary juntae isn’t so sure donggu keeps track off. the day they met for the first time, on a rather cold day in the middle of hongdae, donggu literally dancing his way into juntae’s heart and refusing to ever make any room for anyone else again. with the events of these past months, juntae really isn’t all too sure if donggu thinks of this day, or has grown to disregard it. juntae will be a little embarrassed if he’s the only one who still thinks of this day of importance, he’ll admit that. he isn’t, though. a baker had let donggu know that someone pre-ordered three small sized cakes for a special occasion after he wanted to do so himself. for a second, donggu had thought about telling juntae about this straight up, but instead planned his own surprise with all the details haneul had given him. his flat was ready and full of a surprise dinner, a selection of movies and some drinks, but then juntae got lost and had to spill the truth to him. juntae doesn’t find out about this until they’re at donggu’s apartment, and he has to admit donggu’s feigned surprise about the cakes and the day was a good act - convincing. juntae is both embarrassed and surprised until his heart grows warm and the love donggu still has for him fills him. he almost gets a little teary eyed, but only almost. (a tear was shed, but donggu is sworn to secrecy.) 

[aspcrity]

‘i thought i might have lost you.’ (dongtae)

↻ ⋆ take me to the ocean ⟪ different ways to say i love you ⟫ | status: not accepting

juntae looks at him with a fond smile, pulling donggu closer by his hand. “i’m right here, babe.” for good measure, he squeezes his boyfriend’s hand and gives a peck to his temple before starting to walk again slowly. “i’m not letting go of your hand, this crowd is a lot. don’t worry, i’ll get us out.” he keeps shooting looks at donggu reassuringly, always keeping their hands together while he’s steering them away from the masses. donggu’s visit to england is great so far, with a nice festival in town going on, juntae can really take his boyfriend out on a special date, show him the city and give him a bit of cultural experience all in once. if only it weren’t for the massive amount of people who had similar ideas of spending their day. once they press themselves further and juntae can inhale deeply, has room to breathe and donggu safe with him, he turns around to the other and kisses him in apology. “sorry, i didn’t know it was going to be this packed. but i hope you like it this far nonetheless. i’ve got a lot of things planned we need to try out together. wanna ride something first, or food? we only had some light lunch, after all.” he exchanges ideas and likes with donggu easily, diverting his attention away from the crowd. juntae knows some alleys they can take to avoid a lot of them, but surely they’ll have to go through all those people a few more times. he hopes donggu isn’t too queasy about crowds. it’s something juntae doesn’t know about the other yet, and there’s still much more to find out with each passing day, visit or other interaction. he wants to know so much more about donggu. they aren’t dating for too long, and it’s donggu’s first time in england with juntae. he wants to make this experience as memorable as he can, and not in a bad light. he wants donggu to want to come back. to not go back to korea and immediately break up with juntae, or other horrible things. he wants them to be amazing together, and he wants donggu to be happy with him. even though it’s a tiresome long distance relationship and will bring hard times, juntae wants to make donggu into the happiest person.

[aspcrity]

“ pucker up. ”“ read my lips, no. ” (dongtae)

↻ ⋆ take me to the ocean ⟪ kissy sentence starters ⟫ | status: not accepting

sighing, juntae pushes himself off donggu’s chest. he feels like there’s another fight coming, and it’s hard to not get anxious about it. it’s not easy, working through this. he knows this as much donggu does, and juntae had been dishing out for so long, wanting to hurt donggu just as bad as he had been hurt with the other breaking up suddenly, telling him not to come, that it was pressuring and donggu didn’t want him here and it was all too much and he wasn’t even sure if he loved him. blocking him everywhere right after, giving juntae absolute radio silence. now he knows none of what donggu had said was true; but the damage was done. they’re trying to get past all of that, they’re trying really hard. some days, it works exceptionally well and there’s only a few details that are still off from how they used to be - but other days are like today. like they’re trying too hard, as if … this isn’t working out. the thought scares juntae, and if he mentioned it to donggu, all hell would break loose. juntae doesn’t want to ruin whatever fragile thing they have going on. he wants them to be like they were before. desperately. he doesn’t want this to be their new reality, to have this vibe around the air like it’s a big, ugly scar across someone’s body. he wants to move on, but it’s hard. they’re working on it, but it’s also not enough. not yet, at least. “sorry.” he isn’t sure what he’s apologising for, but somehow it feels as if he’s doing everything wrong.

[aspcrity]

shh, it’s okay. it was just a dream. ( dongtae )

↻ ⋆ take me to the ocean ⟪ misc angst starters ⟫ | status: accepting

juntae sighs shakily, hand reaching blindly to grip at donggu’s arm that was holding him close. “’sorry.” his apology was small and quiet and donggu told him off for it immediately, but he still couldn’t help feeling guilty giving donggu such an unpleasant awakening in the middle of the night. he doesn’t even remember the dream. he just feels this dread inside of him, and the need of being held by donggu. by the one he loves. “thanks, donggu-yah...”

[aspcrity]

tell me how to make it better. ( dongtae )

↻ ⋆ take me to the ocean ⟪ miscellaneous angst starters. ⟫ | status: accepting

juntae doesn’t fall sick often, but when he does it hits him hard. he’s sure donggu had other plans visiting him in england, wants to see things they keep fantasising about for every next trip, and juntae wants to do these things with him, but at the moment, he’s so sick with the flu, he sometimes doesn’t feel his own tongue. “soup and cuddles.” speaking is hard on his raw throat and they both know it, but donggu doesn’t know how to treat someone sick with everything in a foreign language. every package, every soup - it must be frustrating. so juntae wobbles through the flat with him, hanging off of donggu sometimes to show him what to do and which things to grab, and gives him his phone to call his mother if everything else fails. he apologises for wasting his money and ruining his trip and hopes the headache and frustration with himself isn’t going to make him cry.

[aspcrity]

“ i’m trying my best and it’s not good enough. it’s never good enough. ” (dongtae)

↻ ⋆ take me to the ocean ⟪ meme ⟫ | status: not accepting

juntae pinched the bridge of his nose, letting out a very long sigh. “i’m sorry. i really am.” hesitantly, he beckoned donggu over into the flat, ushering him to sit down with him on the kitchen chairs. it was the first time juntae had let donggu inside, and suddenly he felt ashamed the flat he rented looked so shabby. empty. void of most living. “i- sorry, donggu. i’ve just ... i wanted you to hurt as much as i did, or do ... and i’ve completely lost myself in it. it’s not fair, nor rational. you’re trying to mend, and all i’ve been doing is to push you away.”

[aspcrity]

‘ don’t use that tone with me. ’ (dongtae)

↻ ⋆ take me to the ocean ⟪ * soft family things ⟫ | status: not accepting

juntae shuts his mouth, sighing. he holds back what he wants to say, aware he needs to calm down first. it’s frustrating, and he realises donggu must be just as frustrated, so he isn’t being exactly fair. “i’m sorry.” it’s short and even a little curt, but nonetheless genuine. he’s still too wound up to actually sound sorry. “didn’t mean to belittle you in any way. i’m just ... so frustrated. it sucks, it’s awful, and i just ... i know it must be the same for you.” he cracks his neck, hand rubbing into it uncomfortably strong as some sort of reminder for himself. he wants them to work out even despite the distance, and he knows this fight will pass too, but he wonders how much longer they can go on like this.

[aspcrity]

“ be patient with him. they’re trying. ” ( hanbin & juntae )

↻ ⋆ take me to the ocean ⟪ meme ⟫ | status: not accepting

“it sucks. i’m being patient with someone who broke me, and i don’t even know what for. wishful thinking? a back together? this absolutely sucks, no offence.” juntae rubs a hand over his face harshly, groaning into it before he looks up at hanbin again. “i’m sorry. i’m not blaming you, you just want to help. i’m just not sure ... if i’m ready for that help yet. or facing donggu.” a sigh leaves him when hanbin massages a hand into his shoulders with a sigh of his own, nonetheless optimistic. juntae wishes he could be just a little bit of what hanbin seems to be. a saint.

[aspcrity]

“I like my reflection a little more with you all over me.” (dongtae)

↻ ⋆ take me to the ocean ⟪ nsfw meme ⟫ | status: not accepting

juntae sighed into donggus skin, biting at some exposed skin rather gently before he lifted his eyes to look at them through the mirror; eyes locking with donggus. “you look so good, donggu-yah.” he felt donggus hands creep up around him, wandering with the intent to find their way under juntaes shirt. in the meantime, juntae focused to get more of donggus skin under his mouth and massage his hands into the others thigh. you make me look so good was donggus breathy reply that let juntaes eyes stare at donggus face again, and not their bodies. not only could he feel donggu brushing back against him lazily, but he could see it.

[aspcrity]

“When you said you loved me, I thought it was going to be forever.” (juntae)

↻ ⋆ take me to the ocean ⟪ meme ⟫ | status: accepting

juntae has no reason reacting so petty. well, he has - but he knows better than this. he knows better than to hurt just because he was hurt by the other previously. he knows, but he can’t help himself. this sentence of donggu just sets him off, makes him angry. he doesn’t understand what gives donggu any right to act hurt, and passively accuse juntae of something. “well, life’s not always fucking sunshine and puppies.” he clicks his tongue in annoyance, looking at how donggu tries to appear smaller before him. juntae still loves donggu, despite what happened. cutting someone off randomly isn’t going to change his feelings like a switch, and donggu should know this. “if i didn’t love you still, do you think this would hurt so fucking much? don’t be an idiot. loving you and being wary of you because of what you did are two different pairs of shoes. i’m hurt, of course i’m not gonna jump happily into your arms when you show up at my doorstep after months of silence because you broke up with me all of a sudden.”

[aspcrity]

“Can we stay like this forever?” ( dongtae)

↻ ⋆ take me to the ocean ⟪ sentence starters ⟫ | status: not accepting

a sigh escapes juntae he had tried to keep in, hands finding their way up donggus skin under his loose shirt. “i’d love that.” suddenly, the knowledge of a flight ticket back to england feels as if it weighs a ton. in juntaes mind, it’s glowing shiny and red where it’s lying in his backpack; always present in either his or donggus thoughts. he hates this, utterly despises having to leave or watch donggu leave constantly whenever they get the chance of being with each other after months of spending hours on phones and computers. he loathes it, and yet he can’t stop. he knew what he signed up for, and so did donggu. they’re too far gone into this at this point, too attached and too into each other to let go. but they’re never each others’ completely when there’s ten thousand kilometers between them for the better portion of a year.