#← this is a staged bit for april fool's; i sent myself this ask

[girl-detector]

You have detected many girls, however one detection always remains unanswered: are YOU a girl?

I've come to make an announcement:

Shadow the Hedgehog's a bitch-ass motherfucker.

He pissed on my fucking wife.

That's right.

He took his hedgehog fuckin' quilly dick out

and he pissed on my FUCKING wife

and he said his dick was THIS BIG

and I said that's disgusting.

So I'm making a callout post on my Twitter.com

Shadow the Hedgehog

you got a small dick

It's the size of this walnut except WAY smaller.

And guess what?

Here's what my dong looks like.

That's right, baby.

Tall points, no quills, no pillows

look at that, it looks like two balls and a bong.

He fucked my wife, so guess what

I'm gonna fuck the earth.

That's right, this is what you get!

My SUPER LASER PISS!

Except I'm not gonna piss on the earth.

I'm gonna go higher.

I'm pissing on the MOOOON!

HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, OBAMA?

I PISSED ON THE MOON, YOU IDIOT!

You have twenty-three hours before the piss DRRROPLETTTTS hit the FUCKING earth

now get out of my fucking sight before I piss on you too!

[randomestfandoms-ocs]

I was inspired by lorettastwilight and it’s my fav Taylor album so... each of yours OC’s + Reputation

AHhh oh god this is going to take forever I love it!!!!!!!!!  Also I will say now, this is very much Amy’s album (Lover is where I see her arc ending, Rep is where she’s at throughout Wayward) so she’s going to show up a lot, but I’ll try to include some others too lmao!  This one is a lot longer than the Lover Ask because Rep has been out longer so I’ve had way more time to think about it, plus it was already out when you sent the Taylor Ask so I had made more hcs for it already!  Also let me just say, I love these album asks!!!!!!  They’re so much fun!!

1. …Ready For It?

Amethyst x Sweet Pea - In the middle of the night, in my dreams/You should see the things we do, baby & I see how this is gonna go/Touch me and you’ll never be alone

Finley x Jay - Knew I was a robber/First time that he saw me/Stealing hearts and running off and never saying sorry/But if I’m a thief then/He can join the heist/And we’ll move to an island

Fallon x Reggie - Every love I’ve known in comparison is a failure

2. Endgame

April x Diego -  I can’t let you go, your hand prints on my soul/It’s like your eyes are liquor, it’s like your body is gold

Amethyst x Joaquin - Big reputation, big reputation/you and me, we got big reputations/and you heard about me/I got some big enemies/Hey, big reputation, big reputation/you and me would be a big conversation/and I heard about you/you like the bad ones, too & For all your beautiful traits and the way you do it with ease/For all my flaws, paranoia and insecurities

Amethyst x Sweet Pea - Reputation precedes me, they told you I’m crazy/I swear I don’t love the drama, it loves me/And I can’t let you go, your hand prints on my soul/It’s like your eyes are liquor, it’s like your body is gold & You’ve been calling my bluff on all my usual tricks/So here’s the truth from my red lips & I don’t wanna be/Just another ex-love you don’t wanna see/I don’t wanna miss you/Like the other girls do & I got issues and chips on both of my shoulders/Reputation precedes me; in rumours I’m knee-deep/The truth is it’s easier to ignore it, believe me/Even when we’d argue, we’d not do it for long & For all your beautiful traits and the way you do it with ease/For all my flaws, paranoia and insecurities

Kathryn x Archie & Fallon x Reggie- I’ve made mistakes and made some choices, that’s hard to deny/After the storm, something was born on the 4th of July

Arianne x @perfectlystiles​’ Rhys Thorne - I got issues and chips on both of my shoulders/Reputation precedes me; in rumors I’m knee-deep/The truth is it’s easier to ignore it, believe me/Even when we’d argue, we’d not do it for long/And you understand the good and bad end up in a song/For all your beautiful traits and the way you do it with ease/For all my flaws, paranoia and insecurities

3. I Did Something Bad

Amethyst, Arianne, Kat - They’re burning all the witches, even if you aren’t one/They got their pitchforks and proof, their receipts and reasons/They’re burning all the witches, even if you aren’t one/So light me up

Amethyst & Arianne - I can feel the flames on my skin/Crimson-red paint on my lips/If a man talks shit/Then I owe him nothing/I don’t regret it one bit/Cause he had it coming & I never trust a narcissist, but they love me/So I play ‘em like a violin/And I make it look oh so easy/Cause for every lie I tell them, they tell me three/This is how the world works/Now all he thinks about is me

Amethyst - This is how the world works/You gotta leave before you get left

Audrey - If a man talks shit/Then I owe him nothing/I don’t regret it one bit/Cause he had it coming

4. Don’t Blame Me

Amethyst in (Oh Lord Save Me) My Drug Is My Baby, a Ghoulie!Amy AU - I’ve been breaking hearts a long time/And toying with them older guys/Just playthings for me to use/Something happened for the first time/In the darkest little paradise/Shaking, pacing, I just need you & For you/I would cross the line/I would waste my time/I would lose my mind/They say, “She’s gone too far this time.”

Daisy Quinn - I once was poison ivy, but now I’m your daisy & They say, “She’s gone too far this time.”

Arianne x Erica - And, baby, for you/I would fall from grace/Just to touch your face/If you walk away/I’d beg you on my knees to stay & Don’t blame me/Love made me crazy & For you/I would cross the line/I would waste my time/I would lose my mind/They say, “She’s gone too far this time.”

5. Delicate

Amethyst x Jughead - We can’t make any promises/Now can we babe/But you can make me a drink & This ain’t for the best/My reputation’s never been worse, so/You must like me for me & Is it cool that I said all that?/Is it chill that you’re in my head?/Cause I know that it’s delicate & Long night, with your hands up in my hair/Echoes of your footsteps on the stairs/Stay here, honey, I don’t wanna share & Sometimes I wonder when you sleep/Are you ever dreaming of me?/Sometimes when I look into your eyes/I pretend you’re mine, all the damn time

Lyra x Jughead - Is it cool that I said all that?/Is it chill that you’re in my head?/Cause I know that it’s delicate & Sometimes I wonder when you sleep/Are you ever dreaming of me?/Sometimes when I look into your eyes/I pretend you’re mine, all the damn time

Fallon x Reggie - This ain’t for the best/My reputation’s never been worse, so/You must like me for me & Is it cool that I said all that?/Is it chill that you’re in my head?/Cause I know that it’s delicate & Long night, with your hands up in my hair/Echoes of your footsteps on the stairs/Stay here, honey, I don’t wanna share

Avalon x Jay x Harry - This ain’t for the best/My reputation’s never been worse, so/You must like me for me & Sometimes I wonder when you sleep/Are you ever dreaming of me?/Sometimes when I look into your eyes/I pretend you’re mine, all the damn time

Rosabelle x Ben - This ain’t for the best/My reputation’s never been worse, so/You must like me for me & Is it cool that I said all that?/Is it chill that you’re in my head?/Cause I know that it’s delicate

Kat x Harley & Viola x Percy - This ain’t for the best/My reputation’s never been worse, so/You must like me for me

6. Look What You Made Me Do

Amethyst - But I got smarter, I got harder in the nick of time/Honey, I rose up from the dead, I do it all the time & The world moves on, another day, another drama, drama/But not for me, not for me, all I think about is karma/And then the world moves on, but one thing’s for sure/Maybe I got mine, but you’ll all get yours & I don’t trust nobody/and nobody trusts me/I’ll be the actress starring in your bad dreams

Elena & Mia - But I got smarter, I got harder in the nick of time/Honey, I rose up from the dead, I do it all the time

Summer - I don’t trust nobody and nobody trusts me/I’ll be the actress starring in your bad dreams

Delilah - I don’t trust nobody and nobody trusts me/I’ll be the actress starring in your bad dreams & The world moves on, another day, another drama, drama/But not for me, not for me, all I think about is karma

Quinn - I don’t like your little games/Don’t like your tilted stage/The role you made me play/Of the fool, no, I don’t like you

7. So It Goes…

Amethyst x Sweet Pea - Gold cage, hostage to my feelings & Cause we break down a little/But when you get me alone, it’s so simple & And all the pieces fall/Right into place/Getting caught up in a moment/Lipstick on your face/So it goes…/I’m yours to keep/And I’m yours to lose & I make all your grey days clear and/Wear you like a necklace/I’m so chill, but you make me jealous

Fallon x Reggie - Cause we break down a little/But when you get me alone, it’s so simple & I’m yours to keep And I’m yours to lose/You know I’m not a bad girl, but I/Do bad things with you

Cara x Steve - Cause we break down a little/But when you get me alone, it’s so simple & I make all your grey days clear and/Wear you like a necklace/I’m so chill, but you make me jealous

8. Gorgeous

Amethyst x Sweet Pea - You’ve ruined my life, by not being mine & And I’m so furious/At you for making me feel this way & If you got a girlfriend, I’m jealous of her/But if you’re single that’s honestly worse/Cause you’re so gorgeous it actually hurts & You make me so happy it turns back to sad/There’s nothing I hate more than what I can’t have

Amethyst x Jughead - You should take it as a compliment/That I got drunk and made fun of the way you talk/You should think about the consequence/Of your magnetic field being a little too strong & And I’m so furious/At you for making me feel this way & If you got a girlfriend, I’m jealous of her/But if you’re single that’s honestly worse/Cause you’re so gorgeous it actually hurts & You make me so happy it turns back to sad/There’s nothing I hate more than what I can’t have

Fallon x Reggie - You’re so gorgeous/I can’t say anything to your face/Cause look at your face/And I’m so furious/At you for making me feel this way/But what can I say?/You’re gorgeous & You make me so happy it turns back to sad/There’s nothing I hate more than what I can’t have

Shelley x Bill - You’ve ruined my life, by not being mine & You’re so gorgeous/I can’t say anything to your face/Cause look at your face/And I’m so furious/At you for making me feel this way/But what can I say?/You’re gorgeous & Ocean blue eyes looking in mine/I feel like I might sink and drown and die & You make me so happy it turns back to sad/There’s nothing I hate more than what I can’t have

9. Getaway Car

Amethyst x Sweet Pea x Jughead - The light of freedom on my face/But you weren’t thinking/And I was just drinking

April x Diego - It was the best of times, the worst of crimes/I struck a match and blew your mind & We were jet set Bonnie and Clyde

Bella x Fangs x Sweet Pea (& Reggie) - I wanted to leave him/I needed a reason & X marks the spot, where we fell apart/He poisoned the well, I was lying to myself & Well he was running after us, I was screaming ‘Go go go!’/But with three of us, honey, it’s a side show

10. King Of My Heart

Amethyst x Sweet Pea - We rule the kingdom inside my room & Your love is a secret I’m hoping, dreaming, dying to keep/Change my priorities/The taste of your lips is my idea of luxury & Is this the end of all the endings?/My broken bones are mending/With all these nights we’re spending/Up on the roof with a school girl crush/Drinking beer out of plastic cups/Say you fancy me, not fancy stuff & I made up my mind, I’m better off being alone

Delaney x Jughead x Archie - I made up my mind, I’m better off being alone & And all at once, you are the one I have been waiting for/King of my heart, body and soul & Is this the end of all the endings?/My broken bones are mending/With all these nights we’re spending/Up on the roof with a school girl crush/Drinking beer out of plastic cups/Say you fancy me, not fancy stuff

Avalon x Jay - I made up my mind, I’m better off being alone & We rule the kingdom inside my room & And all at once, you are the one I have been waiting for/King of my heart, body and soul & Is this the end of all the endings?/My broken bones are mending/With all these nights we’re spending/Up on the roof with a school girl crush/Drinking beer out of plastic cups/Say you fancy me, not fancy stuff

Camila x Steve - We rule the kingdom inside my room & Your love is a secret/I’m hoping, dreaming, dying to keep/Change my priorities/The taste of your lips is my idea of luxury & Is this the end of all the endings?/My broken bones are mending/With all these nights we’re spending/Up on the roof with a school girl crush/Drinking beer out of plastic cups/Say you fancy me, not fancy stuff

Cecilia x Jughead - And all at once, you are the one I have been waiting for/King of my heart, body and soul

11. Dancing With Our Hands Tied

Amethyst x Sweet Pea - First sight, yeah, we love without reason & My love had been frozen/Deep blue, but you painted me golden/Oh, and you held me close/Oh, how was I to know & I could’ve spent forever with your hands in my pockets/Picture of your face in an invisible locket/You said there was nothing in the world that could stop it & I loved you in spite of/Deep fears that the world would divide us & I’m a mess, but I’m the mess that you wanted & I’d kiss you as the lights went out/Swaying as the room burned down/I’d hold you as the water rushes in/If I could dance with you again

Ophelia x Ben - I could’ve spent forever with your hands in my pockets/Picture of your face in an invisible locket/You said there was nothing in the world that could stop it & I loved you in spite of/Deep fears that the world would divide us & I’d kiss you as the lights went out/Swaying as the room burned down/I’d hold you as the water rushes in/If I could dance with you again

Samantha x Nancy x Steve - People started talking, putting us through our paces & I loved you in spite of/Deep fears that the world would divide us & I’m a mess, but I’m the mess that you wanted

Abigayle x Allison x Scott - My love had been frozen/Deep blue, but you painted me golden/Oh, and you held me close/Oh, how was I to know & I loved you in spite of/Deep fears that the world would divide us

12. Dress

Amethyst x Toni - Say my name and everything just stops/I don’t want you like a best friend/Only bought this dress so you could take it off & Inescapable, I’m not even going to try/And if I get burned, at least we were electrified/I’m spilling wine in the bathtub, you kiss my face and we’re both drunk & Carve your name into my bedpost/Cause I don’t want you like a best friend/Only bought this dress so you could take it off & Even in my worst times, you could see the best of me/Flashback to my mistakes/My rebounds, my earthquakes/Even in my worst lies, you saw the truth of me

Fallon x Toni - Our secret moments in a crowded room/They’ve got no idea about me and you & Everyone thinks that they know us, but they know nothing about/All of this silence and patience, pining in anticipation/My hands are shaking from holding back from you

Zora x Clint - Flashback when you met me/Your buzz cut and my hair bleached/Even in my worst times, you could see the best of me

13. This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things

Amethyst & Cheryl - This is why we can’t have nice things, darling/Because you break them/I had to take them away & Did you think I wouldn’t hear all the things you said about me? & There I was giving you a second chance/But you stabbed me in the back while shaking my hand & And therein lies the issue/Friends don’t try to trick you & Here’s a toast to my real friends/They don’t care about that he she said, she said/And here’s to my baby/He ain’t reading what they call me lately

Victoria & Hiram - There I was giving you a second chance/But you stabbed me in the back while shaking my hand

Avalon & Mal - Did you think I wouldn’t hear all the things you said about me? & There I was giving you a second chance/But you stabbed me in the back while shaking my hand & And therein lies the issue/Friends don’t try to trick you & Here’s a toast to my real friends/They don’t care about that he said, she said/And here’s to my baby/He ain’t reading what they call me lately

Luna & Jackson - This is why we can’t have nice things, darling/Because you break them/I had to take them away & Did you think I wouldn’t hear all the things you said about me?

Beth & Nancy - This is why we can’t have nice things, darling/Because you break them/I had to take them away & And therein lies the issue/Friends don’t try to trick you

Astrid & Jace - There I was giving you a second chance/But you stabbed me in the back while shaking my hand

14. Call It What You Want

Amethyst x Sweet Pea - My castle crumbled overnight/I brought a knife to a gunfight/They took the crown but it’s alright/All the liars are calling me one/Nobody’s heard from me for months/I’m doing better than I ever was & My baby’s fit like a daydream/Walking with his head down/I’m the one he’s walking to & All my flowers grew back as thorns/Windows boarded up after the storm/He built a fire just to keep me warm & All the drama queens taking swings/All the jokers dressing up as kings/They fade to nothing when I look at him & And I know I make the same mistakes every time/Bridges burn, I never learn/At least I did one thing right & I’m laughing with my lover/Making forts under covers/Trust him like a brother & Starry eyes sparking up my darkest night & I want to wear his initial on a chain round my neck/Chain round my neck/Not because he owns me/But ‘cause he really knows me & Slowly I said, “You don’t need to save me/But would you run away with me?” & High above the whole scene/Loves me like I’m brand new

Joey x Five - High above the whole scene/Loves me like I’m brand new & All my flowers grew back as thorns/Windows boarded up after the storm/He built a fire just to keep me warm & Starry eyes sparking up my darkest night & I want to wear his initial on a chain round my neck/Chain round my neck/Not because he owns me/But ‘cause he really knows me & Slowly I said, “You don’t need to save me/But would you run away with me?”

Mariana x Seth - High above the whole scene/Loves me like I’m brand new & I’m laughing with my lover/Making forts under covers/Trust him like a brother

Ellie x Peter - All the liars are calling me one/Nobody’s heard from me for months/I’m doing better than I ever was & High above the whole scene/Loves me like I’m brand new & I want to wear his initial on a chain round my neck/Chain round my neck/Not because he owns me/But 'cause he really knows me

15. New Year’s Day

Amethyst x Poly Squad - Don’t read the last page/But I stay when you’re lost, and I’m scared/And you’re turning away/I want your midnights/But I’ll be cleaning up bottles with you on New Year’s Day & I’ll be there if you’re the toast of the town, babe/Or if you strike out and you’re crawling home & Hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you/And I will hold on to you & Please don’t ever become a stranger/Whose laugh I could recognize anywhere & Don’t read the last page/But I stay when it’s hard, or it’s wrong/Or we’re making mistakes

Selena x Derek - Don’t read the last page/But I stay when you’re lost, and I’m scared/And you’re turning away/I want your midnights/But I’ll be cleaning up bottles with you on New Year’s Day & Please don’t ever become a stranger/Whose laugh I could recognize anywhere

Arianne x Scott - Don’t read the last page/But I stay when you’re lost, and I’m scared/And you’re turning away & I’ll be there if you’re the toast of the town, babe/Or if you strike out and you’re crawling home & Don’t read the last page/But I stay when it’s hard, or it’s wrong/Or we’re making mistakes

Dorothy x Bucky x Steve - Hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you/And I will hold on to you & Please don’t ever become a stranger/Whose laugh I could recognize anywhere & Don’t read the last page/But I stay when it’s hard, or it’s wrong/Or we’re making mistakes

Camila x Steve - Don’t read the last page/But I stay when you’re lost, and I’m scared/And you’re turning away & Please don’t ever become a stranger/Whose laugh I could recognize anywhere & Don’t read the last page/But I stay when it’s hard, or it’s wrong/Or we’re making mistakes & There’s glitter on the floor after the party/Girls carrying their shoes down in the lobby/Candle wax and Polaroids on the hardwood floor/You and me from the night before

Send me a song and I’ll tell you which OC(s) it fits best

[lesbian-octoling]

Hey guys, Xeno drama ((you know, about the banner and hate and whatnot)) below the cut if you don’t wanna see it!!! 

@mrkamabo--co Hello! I don’t know if you’re ever going to see this, but. It’s here.

First of all, yes, it’s me! lesbian-octoling, rhi-draws-things, whatever you wanna call me. I’m making this because I’ve heard through a friend of mine that I trust that you are a relatively good person, and while I don’t agree with everything you’ve done, I figured i might as well try to clear things up between us.

First off-

I’m sorry.

This is a 100% genuine, formal apology. I am sorry your medical issues are acting up, I understand completely. I had and almost identical use (albeit with chemical imbalances making me throw up, instead of breathing/heart issues, but both caused by stress), so I get it.

I’m not here to stress you further. In fact, I’m here to try and resolve the issue. I don’t want you to feel the way you do, and I don’t want to start more drama. I should know, i’ve been receiving nasty shit for a while. If you don’t want to read this- that’s okay! Don’t stress yourself, dude.

I just feel like this is important, because we never actually talked- and lack of communication often leads to violence.

But there are a few thing I wanted to address- first and foremost, the ‘xeno free zone’ banner, and the tags.

#‘you’re a coward cuz u wanna draw them with t^ddy’#i don’t do that in the first place lmao#and if you’re going to say:#'its actually scientifically accurate!’#nope it really isn’t #why?#why would squids/octopi evolve to have digigrades/muzzles/claws on their hands?#why would they look like goats with their eyes and muzzles?#they would have flat fish face!#have squid/octo hat heads!#like the third stage in their canon evolution!#exaggerate that if you want scientifically accurate squidlings/octolings/inklings!#otherwise.. yall just makin them into furries tbh#note: i have a surplus of fursonas#k peace

Ah, I hope you don’t mind me going off a bit, but I did want to say things!!!

Muzzles: Inkling beaks, IRL, are very long! they just look flat because.. well, squids are long! But if you put that into something shaped like a human head, they need a bit more room to stretch out.

Claws: they’re not actually claws, they’re hooks! Just like real deep-sea squids have hooks made of chitin that can retract back into their tentacles, which is why i made them like that. As you can see when they go back into heir squid forms, their arms and legs ARE just evolved tentacles!

Here’s a cool example of the hooks, as compared to some of my squid hands:

‘goat noses’: This is because… it’s not a nose! A real squid breathes through it’s siphon, which is one, large hole. That’s why their nose is like that- it’s not two nostrils, it’s one hole, but flattened down so it’s not just a big ol’ hole in their face. If it was, things might get into it, like dirt or bugs or.. i dunno.

Digigrades: admittedly, this is just because it’s fun, and theres no reason they shouldn’t. Any other similarities to cats is just… coincidental, really, as cats and squids have a lot of similarities (liking the sun, chasing lights, etc).

Eyes: Actually, this was a mistake. When i FIRST started getting into splatoon i was like ‘wait squids have horizontal pupils right’ and only found out later that no.. that’s octopi! But oh well, it was a bit late, eh? live and learn.

I’m not saying its fully scientifically accurate- hell, course it’s not! But its more biologically accurate than having them being made of ink. Mostly, I just think it’s fun, cus I’m a budding biologist and I think it’s cool to explore these concepts.

Ok! Thats all I gotta say. I just wanted a chance to explain myself, s’all! As for the banner itself… while it may have been joking in nature, I do think it was a bit rude. Kinda like swinging a bat at a hornet’s nest, yeah..? Like you said- “but yknow tumblr be tumblr, and i honestly expected This™”… you gotta watch out what you say sometimes. You could’ve made it more obvious that you were joking- putting ‘XENO FREE ZONE’ with bit red X’s and ‘feel free to reblog :)’ just has.. a very mean tone to it, and it rubbed a lot of people the wrong way, regardless of your intentions. It really didn’t sound like a joke, to a lot of people, including me.

Though, maybe, we’re all just a bit wary- I’ve been receiving asks telling me to- quite literally- kill myself, multiple times, over this. I also know several friends who have gotten the same messages (a few of which don't even draw xeno, but simply because they are my friends). I think me (and other xeno artists, though I cannot speak for them) have a right to be wary, when we’re so used to being bashed. A lot of people are scared, and it doesn’t make what some people said right, I’m just… telling you why that massive backlash happened.

And by ‘massive backlash’…. if I’m being honest- and I don’t mean to make it sound trivial- a lot of the responses to those posts weren’t truly mean. Some people sent a clown meme, a lot of people responded with ‘why are you hating us, were just having fun’. A few were pretty mean, yes, but I could count them on one hand. These were light hearted in nature, and nothing like some of the truly nasty things that could’ve been said. You wouldn’t believe the things I’ve received in my inbox…

I think a lot of this could’ve been avoided if your post right after had simply been an apology. Instead of playing the victim card, simply say ‘ah, that last post was a joke- i sincerely apologize, and I might’ve worded it poorly’. That’s it. And it could have been avoided if you said, in the tags ‘this is a joke post don't take it seriously’. But instead, you went on the criticize xeno aspects. Not saying you’re wrong, but pointing out why so many people took it the wrong way.

But.. the main thing I wanted to address was this post.

I.. can’t say I’m in the right, but I can’t say you are, either. I probably shouldn’t have made that post- but it was meant more as an off-hand joke. I didn’t mention you at all, as I didn’t want anyone to hate on you. It’s more of a running joke for my blog of ‘sexy tartar’, which is why it was funny enough that I brought it up.

#can’t feel safe#when i put an opinion out there#its easy.. to ignore a post yknow…? It’s also easy not to make a joke like that. Again- maybe you intended it as a joke, but it’s like one of those shitty april fools pranks where you tell somebody something bad happened. We got scared. Doesn’t make it right of us, but it doesn’t make it right of you, either.

But the ONLY thing I’m truly angry about- if you saying that ‘you, a minor, don’t feel safe because you’re being shat on by an adult’. The reason this makes me mad is because… I’m 18. Barely. And you’re 17. I’m… not even a full year older than you. I’m still in high school. The way you worded it made it sound like i’m a 32 year old getting off on sending hate to a 13 year old- and that’s not even close to the case. That is not cool, dude.

Anyway. Sorry about that, though I hope you can see why I’m.. unhappy with the wording. I’m trying to solve things here, not make them worse, ha…

And.. yes, I did block you. But not so you wouldn’t find out. You can still see my blog; i know this. I blocked you because I’ve been getting hate anons for the past few weeks, and I can’t be too careful with who I block. I’m tired of people telling me im ‘ruining the fandom’, so I tend to block at leisure, or when I have suspicion. And a big ‘ANTI XENO’ banner is reasonable suspicion, yes…?

Again, I apologize for that post, but i was not doing to to spite you, just because I found it funny. I didn’t contribute to the spreading of hate to you in any way- I am very anti-hate messaging, and very pro ‘block and ignore if you don’t like them’. Which is.. what I was trying to do, but I didn’t want to leave us on that sour note. I did not encourage anyone to ridicule you on your post, or send you any sort of messages and asks.The only people I complained to were my girlfriend and a select few close friends, who i KNOW would not participate in any sort of hate spreading.

I’m not asking you to be friends with me. I’m simply trying to clear off any misconceptions- I’m fully welcome to hearing what you have to say back. But…

All in all, I think the gist of what im trying to say is that we all made mistakes, and we should both own up to them. I’m very sorry about your heart condition- I sincerely, 100% hope you get better. And I’m hoping that by talking it out, we can clear things up and not let it stew..? I know that sometimes these things tend to eat at me until I fix them, and that is all I’m trying to do.

I’ve unblocked you for as long as it takes for us to resolve this issue, if you would like to move to DMs, or to discord. Either works. Or.. don’t respond at all, if you don’t want.

Have a nice night, and I hope you feel better!

[uniqueharreh]

The Night We Met

Summary: Harry loses his spouse to a terrible car accident, left with anger, sadness and loneliness, he finds a diary she kept writing for years. 

Warning: TW - depression, mention of a car accident -- if you lost someone and reading about it makes you feel uneasy, please don’t torture yourself like this. Otherwise, a lot of one-sided fluff to a sad person. 

Word Count: 2.2k 

Song Recommendation for this piece is Lord Huron - The Night We Met.

Sitting in our bedroom, without you. I never thought I would. I knew we were meant to be, you inspired a lot of art, a lot of songs that meant a lot to other people. You were my muse for all these years, and now, you weren’t here. 

And I couldn’t bring you back. I couldn’t. Your phone number was never going to be yours again, and you would never reply. 

And I couldn’t just go to your parents, ask if you were home. Because you weren’t, your address wasn’t on the Earth anymore. And, I thought many, many times of reuniting with you. To just stop the years of waiting until I can meet you, hug you and kiss you again. 

I canceled the rest of the tour, the second I found out what happened. And I still blamed myself for it. Not the drunk driver, or your impulsiveness behind the wheel. I always said you are going to have a car accident if you don’t keep both of your hands on the wheel, and both of your eyes on the road. 

You were just always the kind of person, who needed to talk and throw their hands around. Who bent half in their waist when they laughed. And you used to tell me that I was too serious and needed to live a little. 

I sent my driver for you, to bring you to the airport. We were supposed to meet in Japan, and you would continue the rest of the tour with me. I always felt much calmer, when I had you by my side. But you were a strong-willed woman, you needed to have your own business, and sometimes our ways just parted. 

And I admired you how patient you were with me, and my fans, and people around me. And I still remember the day I asked you to come to one of my shows, it was kind of narcissistic. But it was probably one of the best shows I have ever done. 

I could feel you in this room more than anywhere else. You taught me how to open up and talk about my emotions, which led to loads of fights at first, but then, you also taught me how to relax, how to sleep in. You changed me into a much more relaxed man. 

I also remember how my best friend and also a manager was watching the show, from his usual place. Jeff looked devastated, I was in the middle of the show and couldn’t be happier to see you tomorrow when you land. 

I had last two songs to perform, but I felt like something was wrong, and a single look at Jefferey was enough. I knew something bad happened. I walked over to him, leaned a bit lower so I could hear him. The fans were screaming loud, and his, Y/N had an accident, but she’s alright, scared me. But I knew that it’s last two songs and I can worry then. 

I was never the type of musician who would cancel a show in the middle of a set. I thought it was unprofessional, but the creeping emotion in the back of the spine, just made the entire ending uncomfortable. 

You died. You were in an accident, that took your life. There was nothing the responders could do for you. Jeff knew I would collapse on the stage if he told me the truth. Because that’s what happened backstage, I had to be taken to a hospital and to be given IRV. I remember calling your phone so many times, not being able to cope with the fact you were gone.

A quiet buzzing interrupted me from rethinking the night all over and over again. 

Mitch

Are you okay? Just landed in LA with Sarah, can come to meet you if you want.

I gave him a quick call, just to assure him I was doing well. He always texted me, asked me how I was doing. He spent days with me in hospital, taking care of me, trying to make me talk. But I couldn’t even open my eyes without crying. 

I walked around the room frantically, trying to calm myself down. I shouldn’t come to our house so soon. I wasn’t ready yet. But then I noticed a black leather notebook. I remember you to have the notebook with you everywhere, and you would never tell me what you were using it for. You said it’s a top secret and no one can know. 

It opened directly on one certain page, it seems like you used to reread that part, there was lots of heart painted there. And I felt my eyes getting watery at the sight of your handwriting. It was so polished, so beautiful. You could illustrate books, or create all these motivational quotes for online businesses. 

I sat down and started reading, wiping tears that escaped my eyes.

3rd April 2014

Dear diary, 

I met a lovely guy. He is a bit younger than me but so persistent. It was kind of a gimmick. It was like all these young adult books stories. Where the girl spills coffee on the guy and he turns out to be a vampire or something and they fall in love deeply. I was in my usual rush, carrying my laptop, handbag, books, and coffee in one hand while calling my boss. He was yelling at me, as usual, and all of sudden I ran into someone. Of course, I spilled my coffee all over his white t-shirts, my laptop fell on the ground and my screen is bit cracked, but it’s still working quite alright and everything just fell out of my handbag. 

Instead of yelling at me, he started picking my stuff and handing me the books I dropped, making sure my laptop wasn’t broken. He even apologized, and I lost it when I made a proper look at him. He was so beautiful. I never believed in love at first sight, but he looked like someone I would walk to at our wedding. His beautiful green eyes were looking down at me, he was speaking and I wasn’t sure if I heard him. I was just losing myself in the beautiful eyes. And his soothing, low and a bit raspy voice. 

And then he invited me out. That’s when I snapped out of it. And said no. 

What is actually wrong with me. 

Dear diary, it’s 25th of September 2016 and I just married this guy who happens to be my anchor. Just thought of an update. xoxo

I started crying, literal sobs were coming out of my throat. I always knew how much you meant to me, how much of a better person you were making me, Y/N. But I never understood what you saw in me. Even the point of us running into each other was different in my view. I was fighting with my sister over little things through texts. I wasn’t looking where I was going and all of sudden I had the warm black stain on my T-shirt. It was a natural habitat to apologize because it was my fault. 

24th April 2012, 

Dear Diary, 

I’ve been a bit busy lately. But apparently, he got my business card and texted me nonstop. I mean Harry. The guy that I spilled my coffee at. Tonight, we were supposed to meet. Well, he invited me to his show. Or his band’s, actually. Told me to meet him backstage and stuff. 

I must admit he is talented, quite the package. And after his security guard led me to the backstage, he introduced me to everyone in the room. I was nervous, my friends told me who he was, and how successful his band was starting to get. 

After he took a quick shower, we agreed to go somewhere to eat. Harry actually let me choose where. And we went to Mel’s diner. Apparently, they already had a thing called The Harry Special, and I just wanted to make him uncomfortable. To mock him for it even. 

And he seemed to be amused when he heard the diner’s name. I don’t know if he knew I knew. But I definitely knew he knew, that everyone else knew. 

When I ordered the special, he nearly choked on the water he just tried to swallow. 

I think he got me right there. Without us actually talking properly yet. He had a good sense of humor, and he made sure I was feeling comfortable. 

He walked me back home, lending me his cardigan. We talked about our families, and he seemed to be fond and privileged to have such a beautiful family around him. 

He was everything I looked for in a man. 

But I thought those existed only in fictions. 

And he waited if I wanted to give him a kiss, he didn’t make the first move, he didn’t pressure me. And he made sure I was safe home until he walked into a car arriving. 

Dear diary, I think I have a sweet spot for that guy. 

Yeah, you love him, fool.

I was crying. I always thought that our first date was a disaster. Not that inviting your potential date to your work, that is a literally a show of what you can do to thousands of people, is a bad idea. It was an asshole idea. We used to laugh so many times about it. Always asked me if I tried to make sure you wanted to date me, by telling you I was famous. 

And I always mocked you for thinking I needed to show off my wealth to have you. I remember when we first kissed, it took me five dates to finally make the first move. And I think you were enjoying how unsure I was about myself around you. I was stepping on my own foot way too often and always tripped. I sometimes stuttered even. I think you must have thought I didn’t even make it past an elementary school at that point. 

And I would always remember when I was sick and was on voice rest. And everyone tried to make me talk, and make fun of me that I couldn’t. And you bought me that board, that I could write on. You always made sure, that I was happy. 

It was always me, who was cooking. You would never, not that you wouldn’t like to be all domestic together. But you were a terrible cook. 

I remember when you tried to make me homemade pasta for our first anniversary because you knew how much I loved Italy and their cuisine. But you messed up. And I wasn’t even sure how. But it was terrible, but I still ate the entire thing. Because you seemed so excited that you at least tried for me.

And when you decided to open your business, I had your back. I supported you. I tried to help you with everything and even offered to invest in you. But you denied my offer. Always said you need to make it by yourself. 

And I remember when we tried to have a baby together, but then you found out you couldn’t and you felt so sorry, you cried a lot that month. Blaming yourself and telling me, that we can break up, that she’s going to be alright. 

And I remember that you cried, even more, when I offered that we can adopt sometimes later when you’d be ready to become a mother. 

And I remember how you walked the altar, everyone had eyes only for you. You were so beautiful. And it was the first time I properly cried on the public. 

You said yes, and you were mine, and I was yours. 

But now I’m here, crying over the happiest memories. Because I won’t be able to share them with you. Not again. I won’t be able to have a child with you and become a father. 

I won’t be able to sing about you either. Because every memory of you was too painful. 

You had a wonderful funeral, and I tried to sing your favorite song. But just broke into pieces. I shattered. I met my lowest and nothing could make the pain to go away. 

I tried it all, alcohol, drugs, Xanax, antidepressants. But you were still standing there, in your wedding dress, in my mind. 

And I knew you would hate to see me like this. Hiding from all my friends. 

You would kick my ass if you knew that I haven’t talked to my mom or my sister for months. 

That I stopped living, and just lived in the memory of you. 

I wish you could take us to the night we made love for the first time, to take us to the first night of our honeymoon when you expressed how much you loved me and made me cry like a little boy. 

I wish you would take me with you. 

Because the world is a very dull place without you. 

[verypersonalscreencaps]

'I’ve never sought fame so I’m loving it ... I hope it lasts!': As she returns in the hit BBC sitcom Mum, Lesley Manville reveals how a surprise Oscar nomination finally made her hot in Hollywood at 63

By COLE MORETON FOR EVENT MAGAZINE PUBLISHED: 22:01, 27 April 2019

'I can’t believe this late flourish that I’m having,’ says Lesley Manville, beaming with happiness. ‘It just keeps on giving!’

She’s about to star in the third and final series of the brilliant BBC comedy Mum, playing the kind and loving widow Cathy, surrounded by a family of not-always-lovable fools, and slowly falling for her old friend Michael. It’s hugely popular, for reasons Event’s TV critic Deborah Ross explains below, but that’s not all. Suddenly, to her own astonishment, at the age of 63, Manville is Hollywood hot property.

‘I don’t really share this much, except to my very close friends, because you’ve got to let off steam to somebody about how extraordinary it is,’ says Manville, hand fluttering briefly as if to fan herself. ‘And the enormity of how it has shifted things. Everything has changed.’

Scripts and offers are flooding in since she was Oscar-nominated for her role in Daniel Day-Lewis’s 2018 film, Phantom Thread. After decades of working ‘under the radar’ – as she puts it – in the theatre, on television and in Mike Leigh movies such as High Hopes, Secrets & Lies and Another Year, Manville was thrust into the brightest spotlight of all. ‘I got to go to the Oscars with my sister and my son!

‘But, oh my God, it was a mad dash. I was on stage in the West End on the Saturday, got home at midnight, only had time to wash my hair and catch two hours’ sleep, then I was on a plane in the early hours.’ The Oscars were that Sunday night. ‘I got there with an hour-and-a-half to get ready.’

She rarely gives interviews and hasn’t talked about this publicly before, but there was something else remarkable about that night – her ex-husband Gary Oldman was also up for an Oscar, for his role as Sir Winston Churchill in Darkest Hour. The Hollywood media went wild at the idea of divorcees being nominated at the same time, and there was even talk of ‘fisticuffs on the red carpet’ – particularly since he had walked out on her in 1989, when their child Alfie was only three months old.

‘I had a son to bring up,’ she says, sounding matter-of-fact rather than bitter after all these years. ‘I was 32 and I had a baby. I wanted to carry on working and I did. I must have been knackered. I was up at dawn and looked after Alfie all day. Then my sister, who was working for me, would come and do teatime and bedtime. I’d go to do Miss Julie or Top Girls. Nice light plays!’

Somehow she gave her all to those far from light works. ‘I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I never wanted to stop working. And also I didn’t want to be a slovenly mother – not bothering, just phoning in motherhood because I was working. I wanted to be the best mother, with a proper meal on the table every night, and proper things in the lunchbox. All of that. And I’ve done it. That’s my biggest achievement, I think.’

Did she feel that way because Gary had abandoned them? ‘No, I’m just like that – I’m quite a perfectionist in my life and my work.’

That’s easy to imagine. Manville is friendly and engaging but happily describes herself as ‘a control freak’ and looks very much like she’s got it together in her chic, cream baggy pants with matching boots, Breton striped top and leather jacket. She speaks with the diction and bearing of someone who has spent a lifetime on the stage. Does Alfie appreciate what she did for him? ‘Oh, yes. We’ve got a really nice relationship. We do argue, but we’re very close.’

Oldman later admitted that work and alcoholism had made him ‘anxious, neurotic and hell to live with’ – but he moved in with the much younger Uma Thurman soon after taking off to America. His fifth wife, Gisele Schmidt, attended the Oscars with him, while Manville is single and walked the red carpet with Alfie, now a cameraman. So just how awkward was this public reunion?

‘Gary and I are fine. We’re friends. We’re more than fine. People wanted to make something of it that didn’t exist. Christ almighty, we’re 60. We’ve got a 30-year-old son. Come on!’ She does understand why there was such interest. ‘I even stayed sober for one night in LA at the Oscars so that I could do a live interview on the Today programme. Something should be made of it, for the sake of our son. Very few children have been to the Oscars and seen both their parents nominated. It was nice because Gary was there with his wife – who I get on with very well – his other two sons and my son. We’re grown-ups.’

In her eagerness to demonstrate that they’ve worked out their differences, Manville even reveals that the two former partners are planning to work together again.

‘Gary’s asked me to be in a new film he’s hoping to shoot soon. So of course we’re fine. It’s a film about Eadweard Muybridge, the man who invented film.’ The Victorian photographer devised camera techniques that laid the foundations for the motion picture industry. He also shot and killed his wife’s lover, but was acquitted by a jury on the grounds of justifiable homicide. ‘It will be amazing.’

And although she did not win the Oscar for best supporting actress last year (Oldman did win best actor), Manville says she has been almost overwhelmed by offers since then. ‘You get inundated with scripts and immediately I got offered a film with Liam Neeson, Normal People, that’s virtually a two-hander. It comes out at the end of this year.’

Neeson got himself in a lot of trouble earlier this year by confessing that in the past, after the rape of a friend, he had taken to prowling the streets with a cosh, hoping ‘some black b******’ would come out of a pub looking for a fight. He was actually expressing shame at having had those feelings and drew support from Whoopi Goldberg and the England footballer John Barnes, but others called for his films to be pulled. Did that put Normal People in danger?

Manville draws in breath, pulls back her shoulders and says: ‘I’m not going to talk about it at all... except to say that Liam is one of the nicest gentlemen I’ve ever worked with. And he’s a friend.’

Is she just like Cathy in Mum, who insists on seeing the best in people? ‘Oh, I don’t compare to Cathy. I’m kind, but I’m a bit more judgmental than she is. I’m from this chippy world of acting, where people are beautifully acerbic, funny, and sarcastic and cutting. I enjoy all of that. It’s banter.’

Still, she is firmly supportive of Neeson then quickly moves on. ‘Then I got a film I haven’t shot yet, called Dali Land, about Salvador and Gala Dali. I’m going to play Gala. Last week I was filming the new series of Harlots [in which she plays the madam of a high-class 18th-century brothel], then preparing for the film Let Him Go with Kevin Costner and Diane Lane.’

Does Manville thrive on all this new attention? ‘My sister can’t believe I’m not exhausted. It is overwhelming at times, but I do sort of feel I’ve earned it. I’ve put in decades of doing what I feel were the right jobs. I’ve never sold out. I’ve never sought fame. So I’m genuinely loving it and I’m hoping it will last, but it will only last if I keep turning out the work.’

Does she wish this had all happened before? ‘No. I’ve had an amazing, steady career. And I’m grateful for that. A lot of young people who get success very quickly come under huge pressure to maintain it and that is very hard. Especially if they’re good-looking, because if you’ve built a career based on your good looks when you’re young, it’s very difficult to carry on in a real and proper vein.’ Has she come under any of Hollywood’s infamous pressure to go under the knife?

‘No. I went to a lot of meetings while we were there, and the reaction I got is: ‘Oh, you’ve done nothing to your face, isn’t that great!’ If I suddenly started doing all that, it would make nonsense of this career I’ve had for 40-plus years. I’m setting myself up as somebody who likes to play characters. This Bible-bashing mad woman with a gun that I’m playing in Let Him Go isn’t going to have gone under the knife in 1963. Just leave it alone.’

Manville grew up in Brighton, where her father was a taxi driver, and at the age of 15 she started commuting to the Italia Conti stage school in London. She declined the chance to join the steamy TV dance troupe Hot Gossip. ‘I thought, I can’t wear stockings and a suspender belt on telly with my dad watching! He wasn’t a prude – it was more that I was a bit of a prude. I was a good girl. I never broke the rules.’

Just like Cathy in Mum, then? ‘I am a good girl at heart, so there is a bit of Cathy there, but the other side of me is very driven and single-minded.’

Her father couldn’t believe it when she gave up a perfectly good, lucrative part on the soap Emmerdale Farm to concentrate on theatre. ‘My dad was like, “What are you doing? Why would you want to do plays?”’ But Manville went on to have a truly illustrious and highly acclaimed career on stage, from her early days at the Royal Court through numerous leading roles at the National Theatre, The Old Vic and with the Royal Shakespeare Company to her performance in Ibsen’s Ghosts, for which she won the Olivier in 2014. This was the pinnacle of her career at the time, and she said: ‘Ghosts is my Olympic moment.’

There was no way of knowing that the Hollywood legend Paul Thomas Anderson, director of There Will Be Blood and Magnolia, would call her out of the blue, having seen her in the Mike Leigh films he loved.

But before that happened and she got really famous, the director Richard Laxton approached Manville in 2016 about making Mum, and had some persuading to do.

‘My only experience of comedy was 25 years ago, a series called Ain’t Misbehavin’ with Peter Davison,’ says Manville. ‘It was well written, but you had to be funny. I didn’t enjoy it. I wasn’t very good.’

Laxton sent a script and a box set of Him And Her, a series also written by Mum creator Stefan Golaszewski and shot in a very similar, low-key way. The actors play the drama and not for laughs, although they certainly come. In Mum, we see the craziness of the family from Cathy’s point of view as she tries to keep going, do her best and be kind.

‘Just the slightest twinkle from Cathy, and the audience knows what it’s going to mean,’ says Manville.

Series one began just after Cathy had lost her husband Dave. Series two saw her become increasingly – but very slowly – close to old family friend Michael, before she finally declared her love. Now, at the start of the final series, they are together, but haven’t broken it to her son or anyone else yet. ‘I love the way the writer does that,’ she says. ‘We last saw them tentatively holding hands. At the start of this series she just gives him a very casual kiss on the lips, when she’s showing him the bedroom she is staying in.’

The inference is that they have made love. ‘You don’t see them having sex. You don’t see them having passionate kisses.’ Is that a relief? ‘Yes. You wouldn’t want to go there really, but I knew they were going to get together.’ The pair have such joy on their faces, as if they can’t believe their luck.

‘I think younger people – 20- and 30-year-olds – don’t think of anybody aged 60 falling in love. They don’t really imagine that all those feelings an 18-year-old in love has – all those butterflies, uncertainties and insecurities, all that joy – is the same for everyone, whatever your age. That’s an emotion and a set of feelings that we never lose. Thank God! I love Mum for showing that.’

The characters are also very understated. ‘I love the fact that Cathy and Michael are not glamorous, they’re not thinking about how they look. They’re good, kind, thoughtful people. They’re intelligent. They’re very in touch with their own feelings and emotions and reality. They have a very acute understanding of the people around them.’ The cast and crew all stayed in the same hotel and found a local pub to eat and drink. ‘Lots of times, someone would spot one of us up at the bar – say Lisa [McGrillis, who plays Kelly] – and they’d go: “That’s her from Mum!” Then they’d turn around to see where she was taking the drinks and we would all be sitting there!’

How are people with her? ‘Mum is the thing I get stopped in the street most about. They say very kind things. They love the series. When I say it’s back in May but this is the last series, they can’t bear it.’

So why is Mum finishing? ‘Stefan wants to move on to other things. But it’s got a nice finite ending and why would you do any more? Either they get together or they don’t. Either way, that’s it.’ We don’t see so-called late love like this on the television much, do we?

‘No, but I think that’s shifting very slowly. Women and men of my age want to see themselves represented. And there are those actresses who are just carrying on – not just Judi Dench and Maggie Smith, but Helen Mirren, Meryl Streep, Annette Bening.... We are fronting films. And all those female-led films like Mamma Mia!, Quartet and The Best Marigold Hotel that have been huge box- office successes have made studios think: ‘We can have a film about a 50-year-old that people want to see!’

She says ‘we’, but those women are older than her. Thanks to her sudden Indian summer, Manville is now poised to lead a new generation of female actors taking on those kinds of roles. ‘Those actors have opened up the way for us, absolutely. I’ve always felt my life was a slow burn. I’m pleased with the way it has all turned out. Delighted, really. I can’t wait to see what happens next!’

The final series 3 of ‘Mum’ begins on BBC 2 next month. Series 1 and 2 are available on iPlayer.  

[littlethingwithfeathers]

Writing Update 3/24/19

Publishing Tomorrow!

An Echo in My Soul - Natasha/Bucky. This is the next installment in my “Friendship is Unnecessary” series. After all the focus on Steve/Natasha and the eventual Steve/Natasha/Bucky, I felt it was important to have at least one chapter that focused on just Natasha and Bucky. Especially after “Threshold of Night.” It clocks in at 7.5k and takes place between Civil War and Infinity War. Here’s an excerpt:

***

They made themselves comfortable on the pier, dangling their feet down over the edge with the tin of pastila between them. For awhile they ate in silence, soaking their senses in the smell and taste of crisply tart apple and rich honey as they watched the setting sun fade the last dregs of afternoon into true evening. The shadows stretched and turned soft and gauzy, and the insects and birds began to chatter their evening song. A tempest of children rambled by as they lingered, calling out to Bucky as they hustled along which made him laugh and wave.

"What are they saying?" Natasha asked around a mouthful of confectionery goodness. "My Xhoxian is not so great yet."

"They call me "White Wolf" apparently." Bucky laughed a little. "Don't know why. I have a feeling it's Shuri's doing."

She snorted, blowing a little puff of sugar into the air. "Don't they know your ego is over-inflated enough already?"

"Hey, I'm a decorated war hero who gave his life for his country." Bucky said with mock indigence as he dug another pastila out of the nest of sugar encrusted paper doilies. "And for your country too, technically speaking."

"Bullshit, Barnes. You?" She dabbed a finger-full of powdered sugar on his nose and smiled as he tried to jerk away. "You are a love-sick fool who followed your equally foolish boyfriend into HYDRA bases when you could have been sent home after Zola's experiments. You might have every sap who comes through the Smithsonian fooled, but you're not fooling me, котенок."

His nose wrinkled in feigned disgust at the nickname. "Kitten? Really?"

***

Coming soon!

Before the Storms Begin Breaking - Loki/Darcy fic: I’ve had several requests for more from “The Rain’ll Be Gone in the Morning.” And while I had intended it to be a stand alone, there is room to explore the vulnerability in Loki and the dutiful attachment in Darcy that I introduced in the fic… and the giftee of that fic in particular has been asking for more. The rough draft is finished, and looks to clock in at well over 9k once all the edits are done. I plan to publish it sometime in early April, before Avengers: Endgame comes out, because it is very much not canon compliant with that movie.

Hang By Every Word: The outline for my Stucky fic is still coming along but it will be awhile yet before I start writing on it in earnest. Now that “Fourth Estate” is finished and publishing, I’m ready to start picking at a new bigger fic. The basic theme (and I’m sure this has been done, but fuck it) is the undoing of Bucky’s conditioning one trigger word at a time. And each trigger word locked down a memory of Steve. So I have to write things from Steve’s point of view, and all ten memories have to be written from Bucky’s point of view, and they have to tie together into a cohesive narrative but the memories are out of order, but Steve’s time line isn’t and… It’s… a challenge. I’m still largely in the brainstorming phase… writing little snippets here and there. Nothing’s solidly taking form just yet.

A Maelstrom Whirls Below: I’m toying with the possibility of a sequel to my Darcy/Eddie/Venom fic “A Room for Rent in the Fourth Estate.” Right now it’s just some ideas and a few zippy one-liners. But I’m definitely sketching around on it and working on getting an outline going.

Other “Friendship is Unnecessary” fics at various stages:

The Night the Wall Came Down:  This is a Steve/Natasha fic set some time after Infinity War. I’ve been working on this one for several months, but it’s hit a few snags. The rough draft is nearly finished, clocking in at 7.5k, but my beta reader @kaminaduck pointed out that the opening is no longer canon compliant because of the Endgame trailers. So I’ve got to go back and do major surgery on the beginning. It’s looking likely that this one will not go live until after I see Endgame and know for sure it can match up. Especially now that I’m toying with the serious idea of doing a final fic for this series that’s post-Endgame. This will definitely will be a sad one… I’m actually using this as a mourning piece for myself for Infinity War, for what might be coming in Avengers: Endgame, and for the end of season 5 of Agents of SHIELD.

Stand Still Awhile (formerly called “Rusalka”): Steve/Natasha set sometime before Age of Ultron. Natasha takes Steve as her +1 to a Stark gala at an art museum. I’ve begun work on this one in earnest, and it’s about 2/3 finished with about 4k words to its name. This will likely be next after “The Night the Wall Came Down.” It’s turning out very playful and fluffy... I have a feeling we’ll all need a little warmth and levity after Endgame.

A Little Better to Travel: A plot bunny was gifted to me where Steve and Nat go on a little motorcycle ride sometime between Ultron and Civil War. Still just batting this one around like a cat with a bit of string. Probably will be the first fic in this series to not be explicit. I just have some character stuff I’d like to work out.

Sweet and Honorable: Bucky insists on coming with Steve and Natasha to rescue Sam Wilson. Set post Civil War. This is starting to take shape in my head as a sort of work through for some of the issues that get raised in “Echo in my Soul.” We’ll see how it goes…

Untitled Final Fic: I have begun toying around with ideas for different post-Endgame scenarios. Depending on how things go, I might wrap up the series there. It will just really depend on the fallout of that movie. I’m… not looking forward to it.

[jessicajournal]

Journal

FMP Mapping Workshop | 12/02/20

This afternoon we had our second fmp mapping workshop, we were tasked with plotting our main themes, working context and skill-set onto a diagram. This was a particularly useful task, as it enabled me to visualise my fmp in a broader sense, but then narrow it down based on the areas I’m most gravitated towards. I have a few ideas on what I want to do form my final project and a few themes I would like to approach, however, I do think it’s a bit early to have my mind all set on one idea. I change my ideas really quickly, this has always been an issue for me, because I get bored or demotivated if I am working on a project for too long. 

From the tutorial, I realised that film and illustration are my main focus and the directions I see myself working in the future. For my fmp, I want to produce work that will be good in my portfolio following this careers options. 

I like to work on projects based on personal experiences, I believe my work is very emotional and personal, I am strong believer on having fun while I am creating, although I enjoy too working on heavier themes I prefer to produce work around a simple, positive message in hopes to inspire someone and/or make someone smile. 

FMP initial ideas and thoughts | Week 6th of April

I am not happy with my performance in this course so far, I feel like I am learning and growing constantly but my work isn’t a reflection on this. All the projects and briefs, so far, have been exciting and free, but I didn’t take a smart advantage of this, my confidence is a bit low at this stage so, for my fmp, I want to work on something that personal and I will enjoy the process.

I have already a few short-films and commercials in my portfolio, so I am towards into making a book. For a while now I have been wanting to make a book combining poetry and illustration.

Books, Poetry, illustration, are my biggest joy, what I love to do the most, lately, have been my biggest escape from the madness, when I’m reading or painting is when I can turn off from the outside world, and be in this bubble I created. Like my own meditation ball. There is so much going on at the moment so it has been challenging to stay positive, motivated and even to be creative. There is so much negativity in the air that making a project around something light, joyful, positive makes a lot sense now. I want create an outlet for myself and for others.  

FMP concept development | Week 13th of April

A book.

It is really hard to pick a theme for a book, for a project, with so many directions to look, I don’t want to put myself in the position of working around a heavy theme. 

I want to collaborate with many people, it’s me distracting myself and creating a distraction for others. So, the key idea is collaboration. I have many talented friends and I thought I could ask some of them to write me a little something. 

The book will have 22 poems/texts for the 22 arcade cards of the tarot deck. Each person will pick a card and interpret in their own way. They will start from the main theme (ex: the lovers) and from there write about whatever the theme of the card makes them feel. The meaning of the card works as starting point, an initial feeling which leads to something bigger. 

The exciting part is that I am collaborating with various writers, from different ages, different cultures. I want to celebrate diversity and different ways of thinking. Everyone has their own beautiful way of using words and seeing the world. After that, I will make an illustration, my interpretation of what they wrote.

I am really excited about this project, it took me a while to get here, trying to have an amazing idea for the final major project is really stressful, the crazy pressure was creating a massive block in my mind. I think this way my book will be much more free, every card has a different theme but all based on life experiences, so this will be a book of personal experiences, personal feelings and stories. Each page will take you on a singular journey of mine and that person’s mind. I think I am creating something really interesting and different here.

This will be a challenge for me due to the amount of work. I am relying on a lot of people, where I can only illustrate when someone sends me a poem (or text). It will be a very interesting process. 

FMP research | Week 13th of April

22 major Arcana Cards:

0- the fool 

1-The magician

2-The high priestess

3-The empress

4-The emperor

5-The hierophant

6-The lovers 

7-The chariot 

8-Strenght 

9-The hermit

10-Wheel of fortune

11-Justice

12-The hanged man

13-Death 

14-Temperance 

15-The devil 

16-The tower

17-The Star 

18-The moon 

19-The sun 

20-Judgement 

21-The world 

This week, I have non-stop trying to find writers for all the card. I am collaborating with 15 writers, some of them are writing two texts. I am so excited to see what everyone comes up with, it’s so interesting to work with such different people and learn how they’re perspectives of the world.

FMP concept development | 15/04/2020

Today, I wrote a poem. I decided I wanted to have the last page: the last card, which is <The world>

The Yellow Tangerine tree brings me home. 

Sweet and orange scented, white blossoms with prominent petals. The melody of the tangerine tree attracts bees, hummingbirds and me.

Every morning I see it through my window.

I had to leave the Yellow Tangerine tree behind, yet I carry her smell of freedom wherever I go.

When there is a silence I can hear an echo of that humming sound and for those moments, I’m home.

Today, I decided my book would be called: The Yellow tangerine

FMP concept overview | Week 13th of April

Yellow tangerine is an A5 book. It is a collaboration between 15 writers and myself. It will feature the writers points of view on various themes and my interpretation of them through illustration. Inside you will read about love, friendship, motherhood; self-love and sexuality; chaos and death, overall a celebration and acceptance of new beginnings.  

My initial inspiration were the tarot cards, very briefly, Tarot cards do not tell the future; rather, tarot is a tool for spiritual guidance and enables the person receiving the reading to connect to his or her inner wisdom. Tarot readings help a person understand what he or she needs to know about a particular situation. Decks are best used as a tool of inner wisdom and guidance, as readings give a person insight to past, current and future events based on the person’s current path at the time of the reading. The cards do not necessarily reveal what will happen, but instead, allow a person to gain an understanding of a situation and determine the best course of action based on what is known and what the cards show. 

It will be 22 texts and 22 illustrations, they will represent The Major Arcana Cards (for example: the fool; the magician; the lovers; death). The Major Arcana Cards are the most recognizable and impactful cards in a Tarot deck. These 22 cards represent situations we all face in the grand scheme of life, with each carrying a specific message of perspective and guidance to help you in times of need.

However, this book is not about tarot, the cards only work as starting points; each card has a meaning, a theme (an upright and a reversed one) that the writer uses as an initial feeling.

I believe the target audience for this book is from 16 to 25 years old, due to the style of illustration and contents. 

We live a habit of overloaded time and information. With so many directions to look at, we forget to look to ourselves, for most of us books and films are what keeps us sane and distracted. This book is no more than that: an escape. It is, hopefully, a smile on someone’s face. This project is giving me motivation and inspired me I hope it will you.

FMP Online tutorial 01 | 16/04/2020

This morning, I had my first online small group tutorial, with Kieron, whereby I shared the direction of my FMP. During the session, I discussed my concept, general themes, audience and some references, alongside my plan of action for the duration of this project. Overall, everyone seemed excited about my project, however slightly worried that is many different things too focus on.

Feedback:

It is important I stay ORGANISED, I have many different writers and I am relying on them to proceed with my work, I can only illustrate when I have a poem.

Next tutorial, have a presentation with all the references I’ve been looking at.

Kieron told me to look into concrete Poetry: https://monoskop.org/Women_in_concrete_poetry

FMP visual references | Week 20th of April

FMP Poem 01 | 21/04/2020

Today my friend Catarina Gracias sent me her poem and the first one of my book. Her card is <The star>.

FMP Online tutorial 02 | 23/04/2020

Today I had my second tutorial with Kieron and Joe, I shared my ideas and the references I have been looking at. 

I didn’t have much to share today, because only one person sent me her poem so far, Kieron shared some concerns whether I am going to be able to have all poems and illustrations until the hand-in. 

Although I didn’t have much feedback from today, it was nice to see the girls and chat about their projects. 

FMP Poem 02 | 23/04/2020

My second poem was writen by Susana Proença. Her card is <The hight priestess>. It is a beautiful poem, Susana is 45 years old, her perspective on this card is so pure and mature.  Almost all the wirters are portuguese speakers, although most of them want to write in English, some are not very comfortable in doing so. I decided this wouldn’t be an issue, as I think it is interesting to have both languages in my book.  My solution is to put a small translation under the poem. 

FMP Poem 03 | 25/04/2020

Today, my dear friend Diogo Costa, sent me his poem about the card <The devil>. I don’t know if I am being impartial but so far, I am loving all the poems.

FMP change of plans | 27/04/2020

I am now back at home, I decided to come back to Portugal during the lock-down, I feel safer here and I want to be around my family. However, all this change and moving is really getting onto me. I am still excited about this project and my book, but, I feel like I need a slightly change of plans. 

This week, I have been trying to illustrate the poems I have already. While working on the poem by Catarina Gracias, instead of having ideas for an illustration I was having ideas for a short-film. I can’t help myself, can’t I? As soon as, I read the poem I thought of my sister Filipa and now, being back at home in lock-down, I am spending so much time with her, this whole idea of a short-film is really coming alive in my head. I want to make this for her and with her.   

At the beginning, I told myself I wouldn’t do a short-film for my fmp, especially now that we are in quarantine its even harder, because we can’t shoot outside. 

But when I was trying to illustrate the poem, nothing good was coming out of it, all this pressure to make beautiful drawings is demotivating me (I can’t work like this) and I am slightly worried I won’t have all the poems in time for that hand-in. I realized if I can’t illustrate because of all the pressure, the stress and negativity around, so the writers can’t write, it’s just not enough time. I still want to make the book, but I prefer to do it with more time and less pressure, otherwise the book would feel too rushed and I wouldn’t like the final result. I will be still working on this along side my fmp and after the hand-in. 

This short-film makes sense to me now, its a development from my initial idea. This poem is inspiring me so much and now, it’s all I think about. I guess, it wouldn’t be me if I didn’t change my project at this stage.

FMP new concept and references |  Week 27th of April

For the tutorial this week, I want to have a clear idea and overview of my film, I want to make a treatment and get together some references I’ve been looking at to feel inspired again. I have many ideas in my head for this film, after I get some feedback on the tutorial, I will start on the story-board, script and then shooting. My sister is very excited to be on the film, it is great that I am working with her (and my other sister, she will be my assistant while shooting), because we can shoot at home, at any time and with no filters.

It is really hard to stay motivated while in quarantine, so to stay inspired I’ve been watching films, short-films, videos, animations, reading books. 

I call my self lucky, because I live next to the beach and there is where I feel my most calm and inspired. When I read the poem, an instant image that came to my mind, was my sister walking towards the water. On the beach is where me and my family have our most amazing memories and as this film is very personal and about my sister, I want the beach, the water, the blue sky and sunsets to be a big part in my film. To bring a peaceful image to my audience, for those who don’t have the chance to go to the beach I hope seeing my film will bring them some nostalgia. 

I am quite fascinated by experimental films. For example, Marcel Duchamp, Anemic Cinema or Ballet Mechanique by Fernando lager and Dudley Murphy. I enjoy the surreal and the abstract although, some of this films feel like they are purely visual so they can become quite daunting after a while, I take inspiration from these artists, but I want my film to take you on a journey, I enjoy story-telling so, in my film I want to have the poem appear in subtitles so the viewer feels connected and a part of it. I want you to fall in love with the character, and maybe relate with her. and feel something. 

FMP tutorial 03 | 30/04/2020

In today’s tutorial, I expressed my worries of the moment, I explained that one month is not enough to make this book, having a deadline is great because it makes me more focused and doesn’t let me wonder, I work better under deadlines however, I don’t want this book to feel rushed, because is something I deeply care about and want to do with care and attention, I need time to make the illustrations and I need to give time to the writers too. 

I presented my second idea and showed my treatment. Kieron said he saw this coming, but not in a negative way, he explained that I shouldn’t be putting this kind of pressure on me, especially in the current times we are living, we are supposed to be enjoying ourselves, he showed a lot more interest in this idea and said I seemed more excited about it.

Feedback:

The film feels personal, emotional and the poem is beautiful, overall everyone seemed excited about the film.

This week I should be working on a storyboard and a script.

FMP Visual reference | 01/05/2020

Agnes Varda

Today, I saw the film: “Varda by Agés” by Agnés Varda. Agnes is a huge inspiration to me, more especially now, she makes work that is very personal and unique, she has a beautiful way of looking at people, landscapes and everyday things, she captures them in the most poetic ways. If you’re looking to be inspired, I 100% recommend this film, she explains how she goes from an idea to the making of a film, she has an unique way of thinking, so it’s really interesting to see her talking about her works and films.

FMP Storyboard and script | 03/05/2020

FMP Visual reference | 04/05/2020

Today, I saw daisies by Věra Chytilov��, I’ve been wanting to see this film for quite a while now. The story revolves around two female friends, the duo, both called Marie and fashionably dolled-up, likes to dine with older men, playing a game of escorts: The dates are fixed to be the brunette’s, but the blonde shows up unannounced, feigns to be the brunette’s sister, orders a full meal, for which the gentlemen inevitably pay, and unceremoniously stuffs her face. “I have a big appetite,” she warns, while interrogating them about their wives.

They believe the only way to behave in a world as spoiled as ours is to become spoiled too, so they disrupt, distort and corrupt every situation they encounter. As you’d hope for from a film dealing with absolute freedom, there’s not much plot to speak of, but such an experimental approach offers no hindrance to the political and philosophical message, or the considerable fun to be had. There are many well choreographed scenes, I love the amazing detailed attention from the scenarios to the wardrobe and make up. This is the kind of film that you have to adapt to in order to get the most from - it makes few concessions to the viewer - although the ever-present humour is there for you to latch on to. Using many inventive styles - animation, musical numbers, stock footage and slapstick - it’s free form yet controlled, and yet still radical enough for it to have been banned in its homeland.

FMP Shooting week | Week 11th of May

When I read and interpret the poem I think of opposites and contrasts - she’s both day and night - I want to focus on this feeling, on this duality. I am going to do this by creating a two part film, where in the first part: we have scenes at the beach (the outside bringing a sense of tranquillity and calmness) - she is day - and in the second part, we have scenes in her bedroom (the inside bringing a sense of uncertainty) - she is night - these are more strong and heavy shots in tones of black and red, I will do this by projecting colours and shapes onto to the character - this will bring a sense of chaos and confusion. 

I believe this transition from the peaceful blue to the bold red will be quite strong however, this is the purpose, the poem describes a person that is unpredictable and impulsive, to me, it makes sense that this transition feels heavy. 

In the first part of the poem, she talks about her fears and insecurities she has for this person (for my sister) however, the scenes at the beach will appear peaceful and safe. There’s this thing about the sea that is calm and brings you calmness but also is very unpredictable and scary. My sister is like the ocean, one day it is okay to get in and swim, some days you have to stay away and give space.

I think filming at the beach and filming the ocean describes for me, this feeling in the poem. The scenes in the bedroom are a more personal and emotional touch, she is letting you in but only for a little while. This is when you get to know the character, the poem is describing her - inspiration and freedom; life and spirit - and you are seeing glimpses of her beauty.

I want to finish the film with a shot of the full moon - she always knew how to shine - I want this shot to be the final one, because this is where you feel safe that no matter what the moon will always shine and I am just a call away, that is safe to open up and let people in. 

I will spend this week filming at the beach and in my bedroom.

FMP Tutorial 04 | 14/05/2020

This morning I had my  tutorial with Kieron, I am enjoying this morning tutorials a lot, cause its like being back at uni which I have to say, I miss quite a bit. 

I haven’t started editing the film so I didn’t have much to show today, I have been filming all week, going back and forth between the beach and setting up the scenario in my bedroom, I feel confident in the shots and I am in a good stage at this moment. 

In today’s tutorial the main focus was on the sound, I expressed that I haven’t found the perfect music yet, and asked for some advice. For me, this is one of the most important parts when editing a film, the music creates the balance and if it’s the wrong one, it can ruin the whole film. I have recorded the sound of the waves crashing which I will have at the beginning of the film. I am non-stop listening to music to find the perfect one.

Kieron said too, that I need to focus on this part just as equal as the others. He also mentioned if I was going to have a voice over reading the poem. This has been a possibility since the beginning. I am thinking of using my other sister who has a sweet and young voice, that I think it would fit perfectly with the tone of the film, first, I need to edit the film and then record her to the rhythm of the scenes.