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victoria-daydreams · 3 years

Text

Till Kingdom Come

Chapter Fifteen: A Journey’s End

AN: I’m going to attempt to write a chapter that is so steamy *jane lynch voice*. This chapter is shamelessly self-indulgent again and because of that it will probably be a little long, but I’m sure y’all don’t mind that. I was deep in my cottagecore bag in this chapter. The amount of time I spent looking for gifs of brown/dark skinned women in cottagecore or relating to cottagecore was ridiculous, there’s literally zilch.

Also, I’m going to be honest, after this chapter I’m in a bit of a writer’s block. I don’t know if I want to explore Victorian England a little or dive into the Edwardian Era/Pre WWI. If any of you have any movie suggestions to get my creative juices flowing, please leave a comment.

Word Count: 5.7k

Trigger Warning: mentions of suicide

Taglist: @nerds4life246 , @leahnicole1219

Chapter Sixteen: Interlude to a Cunning Cottage

Present Day, England

More than six months had passed since Nile had learned about the existence of another immortal, Sabine Lavelle. Once the three older immortals started telling Nile her story, she was intrigued and couldn't get enough of hearing more about her. Nile would often find herself in Sabine's bedroom, searching through the woman's chest and drawers for journals to read in chronological order. Nile experienced her highs, her lows, her joy, and her sorrow. Of course Nile wasn't there, but she felt as though she was walking in Sabine's shoes.

It was a journey to say the least.

Night had fallen outside an hour ago and Nile's eyes were still glued to the journal in her hands, lounging on a couch in the den of their hideout. Nicky was making dinner for the team as usual, while Josef was watching a football match and Andy was reading a novel of her own. Nile carefully trailed her finger over Sabine's elegant handwriting as she read the last words of the journal. Softly, she closed the diary and held it against her chest, closing her eyes as a small smile made its way on her face.

"New York, 1889, what a year that was for Sabine," Nile thought.

"I didn't realize how much of a romantic Booker could be," Nile stated, reopening her eyes.

Josef slightly scoffed, "When he wanted to be," he responded, turning his head towards her.

Nile pushed herself up from the couch, "Sabine's entry of you all going ice skating in 1889, what Booker said to her," she began, placing the journal down onto the coffee table. "'You look angelic like this...the flakes of snow wreathing your hair like a crown," she quoted, sighing dreamily.

"Ah, it seems we have a hopeless romantic among us," Nicky commented, laughing a little.

"Aren't we all?" she asked, and Nicky just tilted his head to the side as if to silently say, 'touché'. "That whole entry alone could've been a scene in a movie today," Nile said, bringing her knees up to her chin. "Especially the last passage, when Sabine written her mother that letter and her family still came to see her off as the ship departed for Europe. It was all very bittersweet," she finished, shaking her head.

"You haven't met Sabine and yet you sound fond of her," Andy chimed in, lifting her eyes from her book.

"How I could not?" Nile asked. "She sounds like an amazing person!" she continued.

"She is," Josef confirmed with a smile.

"It's strange to feel so connected to a woman I've never met," Nile began, a frown on her face. "To have nightmares about her brutal death. And now even reading her innermost thoughts," she continued, glancing down at the journal. "I sort of feel bad for reading her journals now,"

Nicky tossed a kitchen towel over his shoulder, "Don't be," he assured. "Sabine is an open person, I don't think she would mind," Nicky explained.

"She would probably tell you everything she remembered herself if she were here," Andy added.

"Isn't it a little weird to you all that Sabine hasn't come searching for us after all this time?" Nile questioned, her eyes bouncing between the three immortals.

"One word, Booker," Josef said simply.

"But she doesn't know that he's been exiled," Nile pointed out.

"True," he conceded. "But Sabine knows Booker, times like these when we have breaks, he stays in France," Josef informed. "Wherever she is, France will be her first stop. The country holds a special place in both their hearts,"

“What’s so special about France?”

“Booker took Sabine there for her fiftieth birthday. Paris, specifically,” Andy responded. “It’s somewhere she always wanted to go and he did it as a surprise,” she went on.

"I wonder what she's doing right now," Nile said.

~~~x~~~

Lyon, France

Sabine pushed opened the kitchen window to her small cottage and smiled to herself, it was a beautiful day in the countryside of France. She inhaled the fresh air, the month of September was crisp and cool, treating the residents of the country to wonderful weather. Out of all the seasons, fall was Sabine's favorite, it signaled the beginning of new crops and new life.

Walking out of her kitchen, she grabbed a woven basket from the counter as she made her way to the front door. Sabine paused briefly to slide on her shoes before opening the door to home. Outside of the cottage was a large garden with a wide array of flowers, bright with colors of purple, yellow, red, and white. Taking a step off her porch, the sound of crunching echoed in the air as her feet landed on the gravel path. Entering her garden, the hemline of her lavender peasant style dress trailed along the earth before she lowered herself to the ground.

"It's nice to hear your voice again," Sabine sung, putting on her gloves.

She could have lived in any city after leaving Nicky, Josef, Andy, and Bastien thirty-four years ago. Matter of fact she did: Madrid, Berlin, London, Munich, Paris, Oslo, Stockholm, etc. But there was only so much of city life one could take, especially at Sabine's age. She wanted a change of scenery, no, she needed a change a scenery and that was the French countryside. She chosen a quieter life, a simpler life. She found a small cottage on the outskirts of a tiny village.

"Even wrote a song for you,"

The cottage itself was beautiful, made out of gray stone with ivy and roses covering one side of the home. The roof was made of weathered slate had hints of brown in the stone built with a chimney that popped out of the ivy clad wall. A plain brass knocker in was positioned at shoulder height in the middle of the harbor blue door. Behind her home was at least ten miles of woods where wild flowers grew unrestrained.

The interior was something out of a rustic living magazine.

The windows allowed light to brighten the house, the den walls painted in an olive green. The armchairs and sofa were dark brown, the fireplace was made out of red brick, off to the side was a small kitchen painted white. The room was equipped with all the standard appliances and at the center was a square, mahogany table with two matching chairs. Her bedroom was well-kept, but extremely simple. A king size bed with an ottoman in front of it, a large burgundy dresser for clothes, and an office desk that Sabine instantly fell in love with due to its vintage look.

"It's nice to hear you say 'hello',"

Kneeling in the soil of the garden, Sabine picked up a small pair of shears from inside the basket and inspected which flowers could be cut. She found solace in isolation, to tending to her garden in peace, this was her little slice of heaven. Although, Sabine had a nagging feeling in the back of her mind that her solitude was going to be shattered soon, the news of Steven Merrick, a pharmaceutical giant, plummeting to his death in London made headlines internationally. She wouldn't have thought anything about it had it not been for the existence of a new immortal.

She didn't believe in coincidences, Merrick's death and the newest immortal, they were both intertwined.

Sabine's singing turned into humming, still carefully picking her flowers until the basket beside her was filled with fresh daisies and lavender. She swiped the back of her gloved hand across her forehead, a sigh passing through her lips. Gracefully she rose from the ground, basket in hand as a breeze blew through, causing her hair to flow with the light wind. Securing her straw hat with her free hand, Sabine trudged towards her cottage and inspected the house for any damage.

There was none, it was perfect.

Upon stepping into his house, she slid her shoes off and locked the door behind her. Going further in, she crossed into her kitchen and placed the basket of flowers onto the kitchen table, her gardening gloves followed soon after. A light growl erupted from her stomach and her eyes landed on the glass cake stand which held a lemon cake within. Sabine's birthday had passed two days ago, one of the villagers was sweet enough to bake her a cake. She was known in the village due to the flowers she sold from her garden. Sabine couldn't quite remember when she mentioned her birthday to the villagers, but she appreciated the gesture nonetheless. In general, she was reasonably tight-lipped about herself, all the villagers knew about her is that she was a friendly American that tended to her flowers.

They didn't know her, not truly. They didn't know that she had escaped slavery. They didn't know that she led a revolt which led about the destruction of a plantation in Louisiana over a century ago. They didn't know she had witnessed countries collapse, revolt, and be rebuilt. They didn't know that the woman they just wished a 'bon anniversaire', was one-hundred-fifty-eight years-old.

"Who could go for tea and cake?" Sabine asked herself, pushing up her puff sleeves. "I could," she answered, pulling her hat off and tossing it next to the flowers.

Moving over to her cupboards, she began to wonder when was the last time she actually celebrated her birthday. You know with cake and the whole shebang. It had to been in 1986, her last birthday with the team, with Bastien. He treated her to a romantic candlelight dinner and to some well deserved "fun" later on. Sabine smiled a secret smile to herself at the memories, enjoying it for a moment before it faded. Just as she grabbed her kettle and teabags, the sound of the brass knocker rapped against the door three times.

"Must be Monsieur Emmett delivering me milk," she thought aloud, putting the items down and fluffing her coily hair out. "Coming!" Sabine announced, her bare feet padding against the wooden floor. Unlocking the door, she smiled widely. "Bonjour Monsieur Emmett!" Sabine greeted, pulling the door open. "You came earlier than-" she started, but the rest of her sentence died on her lips.

In front of her was not the kind, elderly Frenchman man she was expecting, no, it was an entirely different Frenchman. Blond hair, the prettiest blue orbs she had ever seen, thin lips, bearded square jawline. He wore a dark, wool coat over his plain button-up and t-shirt. The coat vaguely reminded her of the one she bought him in the 1960s as a Christmas gift.

"Sebastien?" Sabine breathed, unconsciously backing away from him.

He hadn't aged a bit, obviously, but she could see the weariness on his face, in his stance. There were a million questions racing through her head and Bastien didn’t speak a word, his face inexpressive. It was impossible for her to know what he was thinking. Silently, Bastien stepped forward, entering her home and Sabine reflexively took another small step back.

"H-How did you fin-"

Sabine's question was cut off by a pair of soft, yet forceful lips pressing onto hers. She was taken by surprise, her eyes widening, but she eagerly welcomed the kiss. Almost instinctively, her arms winded themselves around Bastien's neck as if they had not just been separated from each other for over three decades. Their mouths fought for dominance in the fiery kiss and for Sabine, the room started to gently spin around. As the kiss deepened, her her hand feverishly ran through his light colored locks.

Sabine's heart was pounding.

Abruptly, Bastien pulled back, both of them resting their foreheads against each other, their chests heaving. Sabine felt a bit lightheaded from the long embrace. Slowly, she opened her dark brown eyes, looking up at Bastien through her lashes. His burning eyes were already on her.

"Sabine..." he muttered huskily, sending shivers down her spine.

A gasp escaped her as she felt Bastien's strong hands gather her up by the backs of her thighs, kicking the door close behind him. Carrying her to the kitchen, Sabine wrapped her legs around him before she was placed down onto the edge of the kitchen table. Bastien lowered his head to capture her lips again, his mouth slanting over hers, slow and deep which elicited a soft moan from Sabine. She suddenly felt herself becoming rather warm despite the coolness of the cottage. Bastien's large, rough palms slipped underneath her dress, hiking the fabric up to her upper thighs. He explored and caressed the smooth, brown legs that were still encircled around his waist, squeezing her thighs appreciatively.

"I've missed you," Sabine said in a breathy sigh against his lips, feeling goosebumps erupt on her skin. "I've missed you so much," she whispered, as their lips slowly drew apart.

Bastien pulled back just enough for their noses to brush against each other. He lifted a finger and gently stroked the side of her face before sweeping his thumb down over her full lips, dragging them apart.

"And I you,"

Bastien leaned down, tucking his face into her neck and Sabine released a high pitch gasp when she felt him suck on her pulse.

Her eyes fluttered shut, "Oh!" she panted, her fingers finding their way back into his hair, tightening their grip.

Sabine's reaction only served to spur Bastien on even more as he began planting hot, open mouth kisses along her sensitive column. His fingers tightly clenched in her bunched up dress. Even through the euphoric haze in her mind, Sabine could distinctly remember Bastien's fondness of her neck, he described it as elegant. Granted, that was ages ago, but it was obvious he still held the same sentiment today. Sabine's musings ended she felt Bastien bite down lightly at the juncture between her neck and shoulder, causing another quiet moan to leave her lips.

"I dreamed of this for so long," Bastien murmured, kissing her just below the ear.

An airy laugh bubbled from her, "What? Having your way with me on a kitchen table?" Sabine quipped, her eyes tightly shut and head tilting back even further as she became lost to the sensation of Bastien's mouth against her skin.

"Finding you," he said, unlatching his lips from her as Sabine reopened her eyes. "Then having my way with you," he corrected throatily, placing his knee precariously close between her legs.

A cheeky smirk grew on her face as she slid her hands down from Bastien's head to underneath his coat. Lightly, she let her fingers trail over the muscles of his shoulders.

"Well, if that's the case," she started, bringing herself closer to Bastien. "Might I suggest that if you intend to have your way with me..." Sabine trailed off, placing a kiss to the corner of his lips which made him lean forward to chase after her for more. Her smile widened at his desperation. "That my bedroom is down the hall," she informed.

The words barely left her mouth before Bastien groaned and cradled his hands around her neck, pulling Sabine into another searing kiss. Roughly, Sabine began pushing his coat his off shoulders and he pulled away from her just long enough to shrug it off, carelessly tossing it to the floor before he was kissing her again. With ease, Bastien scooped her up from the table and Sabine knew where she was being carried to.

"I am aching to touch you again,"

~~~x~~~

"How did you find me?"

Sabine's and Bastien's limbs were entwined as the sweat dried on their skin. With her head propped up in one hand, she used the other to softly run her nails up and down the trail of dirty blond hair that started around Bastien's belly and down his waist, covered by the sheet they were underneath. He was still carved like wood.

"Quynh,"

Sabine's hand stopped dead in its tracks.

"That's...impossible, she's somewhere buried underwater," she pointed out.

"She came to me in my flat recently, Sabine," he argued softly.

"Well how did she know where you lived?" Sabine asked. "Where I live?" she questioned.

"I don't know, she was pretty mum about everything," Bastien replied.

"You know what this means, right?" she asked again. "We have got to tell Andy and the rest of the team, they'll be thrilled!"

Bastien's breathing faltered slightly and Sabine felt it.

"Bastien, dear," she began, cupping his face and stroking her thumb against his cheek which he leaned into. "Has something happened?"

He opened his mouth, but quickly closed it, struggling to find words. Sabine could see the gears turning in his mind and Bastien shut his eyes, exhaling deeply. Whatever Bastien was about to say, Sabine could tell it wasn't going to be good, the secret he was holding within him seemed to make it harder for him to breathe.

He rolled over onto his side to face her, "They exiled me," he informed.

"What!? Sabine exclaimed, her eyes widening. "Why!?"

"I betrayed them," he confessed, not being able to look her in the eyes.

Sabine frowned, her gaze turning into a cold stare. Her hand slid down from his cheek and gripped his chin, forcing him to face her.

"What did you do?" she asked, her voice dropping an octave.

"In my quest to end this curse of immortality, I got Nicky and Joe captured," Bastien began lowly, and Sabine released her hand from him as if he was diseased.

"Christ Sebastien!"

"We were able to save them," Bastien reassured.

"Yeah, after you got them taken prisoner!" she shot back, hitting him in the shoulder. "How did this all happen?" she asked.

For the next ten minutes or so, Sabine listened to him recall the events of six months ago. Merrick had found about them because of a fake mission set up by one of Bastien's contact, a CIA agent named Copley. From there, the team's problems only grew more and more. Their identities were exposed, a new immortal suddenly existed, but worst of all, Josef and Nicky were taken captive in an ambush in France. Despite all the obstacles they faced, chiefly Bastien selling them out and nearly making them lab rats for an eternity, the group persevered. Josef and Nicky were rescued and Merrick met a deservedly bloody end.

Sabine's fingers were interlocked on the top of her forehead, trying to absorb the information that was just told to her. She let out a rough sigh, understandably angry and frustrated with Bastien.

"I'm surprised you haven't thrown me out of your bed yet," Bastien remarked.

"Is that what you want me to do?" Sabine asked, propping herself up on her palms, letting the blanket fall from her chest. "To reject you, push you away, only deepening your self-loathing and misery?" she questioned, rolling on top of him.

"Maybe,"

"I'm not," she replied, shaking her head. "Don't get me wrong, you are a complete bastard for what you did to Nicky and Josef, Sebastien," she continued, feeling him tense at the venom behind her words. "But call me selfish, I haven't seen you in almost forty years, I want to hold onto you for a little while," Sabine explained. "I've missed this, dearly," she added, propping her chin on his chest.

"You missed having a tumble or you missed me?" Bastien asked, slightly amused.

"Both," Sabine answered, smirking at him as her hand freely explored his stomach.

Bastien chuckled heartily and the sensation vibrated through both of their frames. Tenderly, he ran his fingers over Sabine's hair, combing strands away from her face. She dropped a kiss on his pec.

"How about some dinner?" Sabine suggested. "You probably haven't had a proper home cooked meal in ages," she commented.

"Why eat dinner when I have dessert right in front of me," Bastien remarked, lazily drawing on her back.

Sabine laughed lightly, "Uh-uh," she said, wagging her finger at him. "I was already gracious enough to let you have something sweet before dinner," she pointed out, smiling playfully.

Pushing herself up from Bastien's chest, Sabine moved over to the edge of her bed and stood up. Stretching her arms over her head, Bastien let out an appreciative whistle at the sight of her backside and luscious curves. She rolled her eyes and chuckled softly as slid on her underwear before plucking Bastien long sleeve button up from the floor and sliding it on. Buttoning the shirt, Sabine made her way to the kitchen, flipping the lights on as she entered the space. She opened her fridge and grabbed a black pot that was filled with her homemade chicken noodle soup, placing it on the burner and turning the knob on.

Sabine slid over to the next counter and smoothly set the needle onto the vinyl that was already on the record player. Soon the familiar voice of Billie Holiday filled the atmosphere. Humming quietly, she went to the window and felt the rush of the evening air, the cool breeze shifted her hair slightly and she momentarily let her eyes fall shut.

"Now, this is a sight I'll never tire of," Bastien stated, causing Sabine to open her eyes.

She looked her shoulder, "And what's that," she asked, staring at the semi-dressed man.

"You in my clothes,"

"Is it because I wear them better than you?" Sabine wondered.

"Something like that,"

She met his answer with a grin, "Tea, Bastien?" she questioned, opening the cupboard.

"How about something a little stronger," he hinted, taking a seat at the table.

"I'm sure you've have more than enough already," she retorted, grabbing two mugs and plopping tea bags into them. "So, tea it is," Sabine said, leaving no room for discussion.

Placing the kettle of water onto the opposite burner, she turned around to see Bastien inspecting her flowers from earlier. He seemed mesmerized by them, observing its texture and appearance.

"You like them?" Sabine inquired.

"Elles sont jolie," Bastien complimented, as he slowly ran his finger along each of the flower's petals.

"Merci," she responded, before removing them from the table.

"They have great caretaker," Bastien remarked, making her lips curve upwards.

Sabine slid into the seat across from him, "The team, where are they now?" she asked curiously.

"Probably still in England, considering..." he trailed off.

"Considering what?"

"Andy, she lost her immortality," Bastien finished softly.

"When?"

"The same time when everything with Merrick went down,"

She sunk back into her seat, "I've missed...so much," Sabine commented quietly.

"Yeah," he murmured in agreement.

An uncomfortable silence settled in the room at her sobering realization. Sabine knew the consequences of what it meant to leave the team. It meant missing out on adventures with her family and coming to terms that time lost would never be regained. The thought of Andy's immortality expiring never once crossed her mind. Bastien coughed breaking the silence between them and catching Sabine's attention. She stared calmly at him from across the table.

"Quite the reminder of how precious life is," Sabine thought.

"Sebastien, would you still have tried to find a way to end your immortality if I never left the group?"

The room became silent once more, save for the instrumentals of the next song playing. Bastien ran his fingers along his jawline, his fingernails combing through his beard. Sabine could see the reluctancy in Bastien to give her an answer. He must of sensed that it wouldn't help with the tension between them in any way.

"Yes,"

A pained chuckle forced itself from Sabine’s throat, feeling as though the wind was knocked from her chest. She glanced down and began picking at her garden gloves, she could feel her eyes swelling with tears, but was too proud to let Bastien see.

"Well, at least you were honest about it," Sabine said, flashing a smile but her mouth was a little shaky.

Just then, the tea kettle whistled, shattering the silence that swept over the room. Sabine placed her gloves in the center of the table with more force than necessary. She rose with the same kind of harshness, the abrupt sound of her heavy chair scraping back across the floor caused Bastien to wince slightly. Turning away from Bastien and to the stove, a slow frown crept across her features as she lifted the kettle off the heat, pouring the boiling water into the mugs.

"Sabine," Bastien called gently, and she met his stare. "Please, do not doubt the love I have for you," he said. "It was only about the immortality, you've always known how I felt about it," Bastien stated.

Sabine moved the kettle back and turned off the burner.

"What if it was me in Josef's and Nicky's place?" Sabine asked quickly, carrying their mugs. "What if it was me being the one tortured and experimented on?" she questioned, placing his tea down in front of him.

"I would never forgive myself," Bastien answered, looking at her. "I would want to die even more," he added bluntly, as she sat down again. "If it were you, could you find it in yourself to forgive me if the roles were reversed?" Bastien questioned

Sabine folded her arms against her chest, "In all the years I've known you Bastien, you could be a miserable son of a bitch," she started, staring at him. "But you never put me in harms way, not once," Sabine recalled, shaking her head. "It would be the upmost betrayal if you put me in Josef's and Nicky's position," she stated. "And clearly the team believes that as well since they banished you,"

"You want me to apologize to you too?"

"It wouldn't be my apology to accept," Sabine said simply, with a shrug. "How long are you banished for?" she asked.

"100 years,"

"Harsh, but you deserve it," Sabine remarked, crossing one leg over the other. "The new immortal, who is she?"

"Nile, she's young," Bastien replied, lightly tapping his fingers on the table. "She was only twenty-six died," he told her.

"A baby," Sabine noted, with a deep exhale.

"You were twenty-two when you died," he reminded.

Sabine chuckled, "True," she agreed, nodding her head. "But back then, times were different," she continued. "The concept of a twenty-two year old was drastically different in the nineteenth century in comparison to now," Sabine commented, thinking back on all the responsibilities that were expected of people her age which would be insane in today's times. "What's she like? What's her story?" she asked curiously.

"Nile, she was an American Marine," Bastien answered. "She can hold her own and is smart, I think you'll like her," he added, which made her cock her dark brow.

"Why, because she's Black?" Sabine questioned, with a teasing smile and he grinned.

It went on like that for several minutes, hours really. The two immortal lovers discussing what the other had been doing over dinner. It was a quiet, jubilant affair and Sabine's shoulders felt at ease for the first time tonight. Each story they swapped brought them closer and closer, until their thighs were pressing against each others under the table. When they were both finished with their soup, Sabine had to force herself to lift her head from Bastien's shoulder and leave his side to put the dishes in the sink.

"Happy belated birthday," Bastien wished, making Sabine turn around.

"You remembered?"

He shook his head, "Forgive me my love, but it slipped my mind," he answered truthfully.

She cocked her head, "Then how did you-" she began, but stopped when Bastien pointed at the cake that was close to the calendar on the wall. "Oh," she breathed.

"We should drink to your health," he reasoned, sending her a charming smile.

Sabine rolled her eyes, letting out a laugh. It was an obvious excuse for Bastien to have a drink, but she allowed it anyways. Making her way back towards him, Bastien watched her every move, his eyes fixed on the way her legs moved beneath his gray shirt she wore. She handed him a glass and sat next to him again.

"Prosit," Sabine said, raising her mug.

"Santé," Bastien responded, lightly clinking his cup against hers.

She watched how a content smile came upon his lips as he took his first sip of whiskey. His eyelids closed momentarily in pure bliss.

"Now that's better, isn't it?" Bastien breathed, and Sabine only shook her head with a small smile. "Now, who is this Monsieur Emmett I have to worry about?" he asked, raising the glass to his lips again. "You were clearly expecting him," he added.

Sabine chuckled, "Oh him?" she asked. "He's just some nice, old man who brings me milk," she explained, lazily waving her hand. "Don't worry Bastien, you're the only old man that has my heart," she quipped, reaching over and lightly pinching his cheek.

Bastien laughed slightly, "That's not completely true," he pointed out. "Remember that Scottish fellow you met in the 50s?" he called.

"Blake," Sabine named, remembering the middle-aged man. "Yes, we did have quite connection while the two of us were separated," she said, nodding her head. "The war, it made you terribly ill-tempered. At first, you were happy because we were all reunited, but then it was like a flip was switched," Sabine continued, snapping her fingers together for emphasis. "You saw all the children being born and the families that were formed post-war, and you were bitter," she stated. "There's only so much bitterness a woman can take and Blake was the antidote to that, Alec too," she finished, mentioning another young man who she met at the same time as Blake.

Sabine sighed and took a sip of her tea, the hot liquid feeling good on her throat before placing the mug down. The smile that once lit up Bastien's face had faded from his lips, he dropped his gaze to the floor, ashamed of his past behavior. Scooting closer and closing the gap between them, Sabine dragged the back of finger along his jawline before using it to lift his chin up.

"The past is the past, Sebastien," Sabine said softly. "And I already forgiven you, remember?" she reminded, with a slight chuckle. "Let's focus on the present, yeah?" she encouraged.

"Yeah," he echoed quietly.

"Good,"

Cupping the back of Bastien's neck, Sabine placed a soft chaste kiss on his lips. She pulled away to look at him, knowing that she should stop before she becomes lost in his embrace again.

"So beautiful," she heard him whisper.

And suddenly Sabine forgot about her plans or the desire for the sunrise to come. A small smile grew on her face and she shook her head. She had been waiting long enough for this moment, thirty-four years to be exact.

"I love you Bastien," Sabine murmured, before letting her lips find his again.

~~~x~~~

Third POV

When the next morning came, Bastien woke and found the other side of the bed empty, all neatly made up. Sabine was gone. He scrambled from underneath the linens of the bed and hopped onto his feet, his breathing ragged.

"Sabine!" he shouted. There was no response. "Fuck!" he cursed loudly.

Bastien hurried out the bedroom and to the den, clutching the door frame he stared at the space in disbelief. It was pristine, but more importantly absent of any sign of Sabine. She was supposed to making breakfast for them, at least that's what she told him earlier this morning.

"Sabine," he called, voice raspy from sleep.

"I was hoping that I wouldn't wake you," Sabine said, as she latched the hooks of her bra.

"Come back to bed," Bastien requested, sliding his hand up from her hip to her waist.

"Breakfast doesn't make itself," she quipped.

Bastien pulled himself into a sitting position to slink an arm around Sabine's waist. Placing a soft kiss on her shoulder blade, he pulled her back down to the mattress with him, there was little resistance on her part. Nose to nose, Bastien felt the waves of heat radiating from Sabine's skin.

"You need your rest," she stated, pushing strands of hair from his face.

"I'-"

"Shh," Sabine breathed, putting a finger to his lips. "Sleep, please, for me. I know you haven't slept peacefully in decades," she continued, removing her finger from his mouth.

"Fine," Bastien sighed sleepily. "Only for you though," he added, and a small smile graced her lips.

"Thank you," she said, kissing him on the lips and forehead before pulling away. "Sweet dreams, my love," she wished, stroking his beard.

Bastien went back inside the bedroom and quickly dressed himself, just as he slipped his coat back on his shoulders, he noticed something on Sabine's bedside table. It was a folded piece of paper. Bastien walked over towards table and bent down, picking up the paper. When he flipped open the letter, he instantly recognized Sabine's handwriting.

Dear Bastien,

If you are reading this, then that means I'm gone. I'm sorry I lied about the breakfast. I'm sure you were looking forward to my cooking and a steaming cup of freshly brewed coffee. Don't blame yourself over my departure, Bastien. You did nothing wrong. Actually, I should amend that, you did do something wrong, something terrible. You betrayed our family. However, through your betrayal, it forced me out of my isolation and to go find the others. Thank you for that. You know that I don't like being manipulative, but I needed information Bastien. While you recounted the adventures that you had over the decades last night, I was collecting information, addresses of hideouts to be specific.

I want you to know that yesterday was amazing, it's the happiest I've been in a long time. Just as you told me yesterday, never doubt my love for you, Sebastien. Once you told me about Andy, I knew I had to leave. This isn't goodbye, we'll be seeing each other, soon. Perhaps, it'll be back in this cottage, where we can be husband and wife. Of course, for that to happen, you'll have to pop the question first.

Yours forever,

Sabine

P.S. Be a dear and lock the door after you. We wouldn't want anyone breaking into our home, would we?

A faint smile found its way onto Bastien's mouth at the post script Sabine had written. Lifting the letter to his nose, he deeply inhaled the sweet, flowery fragrance that was stuck to the paper.

"Anything for you, my wife,"

Chapter Seventeen: A New Era Emerges

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just-random-obsessions · 5 years

Text

Funny Moments In Thor The Dark World

Find Thor 1 here

Find Avengers 1 here

This is the second part of me watching all three thor movies and the avengers movie and comparing the humor pre-ragnarok to the humor in the 3rd Thor movie. And, as before, I’m writing this on my computer where the I and U keys don’t work so sorry for any spelling mistakes.

Tag List: @nikkoliferous @fyrecrafted @lokijiro @miskiett @darthxerik @icyxmischief @iamanartichoke @juliabohemian @official-and-unstable-satan @melodylnoelle @just-another-human-2019 @fandomsfanfiction @mentallydatingahotcelebrity @cateyes315 @burningarbiterheart @imnotacreepijustlikeyou @usedtobegoodfriend96 @alexakeyloveloki

Official-and-unstable-satan and fandomsfanfiction weren’t tagged sry

Anyone who wants to be added/removed to the tag list please let me know! and if I missed someone please also let me know. Sorry this post is so long

~ “Hello Mother. Have I made you proud?”

~ “Please don’t make things worse” “Define worse”

~ “I really don’t see what all the fuss is about”

~ “Just like you”

~ *That smile!!!!*

~ “I’ve got this completely under control!” “Is that why everything’s on fire?”

~ *About the Scary MonsterTM: “All yours”

~ *Thor says hi to the Big Scary MonsterTM*

~ “I accept your surrender”

~ “Anyone else?” *All the people simultaneously: NOPE*

~ “Perhaps next time we should START with the big one”

~ *Odin obviously shipping Thor and Jane* (idk I got a kick out of this)

~ *Jane awkwardly avoiding her date*

~ *Date: hi*

~ *Him awkwardly talking about his ex*

~ “And the fact that she kept sleeping with other men” “NO!”

~ *Darcy being mistaken for a waitress*

~ *Darcy mouthing “Cute” to Jane about Richard*

~ *Darcy embarrassing Jane by talking about Thor*

~ “Is there a point to all of this cause there REALLY needs to be a point to all of this”

~ “That’s what I said!”

~ “That’s what I did!”

~ “He’s not interested” “I’m interested” (Am I the only one who feels like his awkwardness was actually kinda cute?)

~ “He’s my intern.” “You have an intern?”

~ *Intern is fucking adorable like Richard*

~ “I have totally mastered driving in London!” *Has not mastered it at all*

~ *Selvig running around Stonehenge naked*

~ *Darcy keeps calling Ian ‘Intern’*

~ *Darcy calls Jane cause she didn’t wanna shout*

~ God I fucking love Darcy she’s so criminally underrated

~ “I am not getting stabbed in the name of science”

~ “It’s okay, we’re Americans!” “Is that supposed to make them like us?”

~ “We’re scientists-well I am” “Thanks”

~ “That doesn’t seem right”

~ “I wanna throw something! Jane give me your shoe!”

~ *Jane ignores Darcy*

~ “Give me your shoe”

~ “Were those the car keys?”

~ *Ian’s face when he realizes he threw the car keys to another planet*

~ *If you have to bury so many people then you’re doing something wrong you hot dumb fuck* (I mean that’s basically what Heimdall said right?)

~ “Typical” *after being left behind while Jane goes to talk to her boyfriend*

~ *Jane! Love of my life and most talented and beautiful person in the world oh how I love yo-SLAP*

~ “As excuses go, its not terrible”

~ “I know” “You do?” “Do what?”

~ *Darcy interrupts the KissTM*

~ “Um I’m pretty sure we are getting arrested”

~ “How’s space?” “Space is fine”

~ “He’s my intern… My intern’s intern”

~ “Holy shit!” (after Jane went up in the Bifrost)

~ *Heimdall calmly dodges the car*

~ “We have to do that again”

~ “Hello”

~ “What’s that?”

~ “It’s a soul forge” *No I’m pretty sure that’s a quantum field generator*

~ *Jane being ready to fight Odin for comparing her to a goat*

~ “You told your dad about me?”

~ “It must be so inconvenient, them asking about me day and night”

~ “Please meet my mother” *Jane shies away from Thor*

~ Loki casually tossing the thingamajig in the air like the cute little shit he is

~ Lord, he’s so damn pretty

~ *Kurse being like: Lol I ain’t touchin’ that boy with a ten foot pole*

~ “It’s as if they resent being in prison”

~ “There’s no pleasing some creatures”

~ *Loki calmly reading a book while all Hel breaks loose*

~ “You have my word that no harm will come to yo-” nvm bitch die

~ *THAT look between Sif and Jane*

~ *Frigga immediately seeing through Odin’s bs lies*

~ *Heimdall: I have defeated the big space ship!! The bigger one behind him: Bitch you thought*

~ “WITCH!!!!” *Now I know who Loki gets his amazing aforementioned smile from*

~ *Selvig using shoes to explain complicated science*

~ *Selvig then using pencils*

~ “Any questions?” “Yeah, can I have my shoe back?”

~ “What’s SHIELD?” “It’s a secret”

~ *Darcy’s cute af face when she sees that Selvig is in the mental hospital*

~ “Are you sure you wouldn’t just rather punch your way out?”

~ *Loki shapeshifting into the guard*

~ “Mmm Brother, you look ravishing”

~ “Costumes a bit much”

~ “So tight!”

~ “I can FEEL the righteousness surging!!”

~ “HEY wanna have a rousing discussion about truth?”

~ “Honor?”

~ “Patriotism?”

~ “GOD BLESS AMERICA!”

~ “At last. A little common sens-”Bitch are you really fucking kidding me? (What do you mean that’s not what he said?)

~ “I thought you liked tricks”

~ “I’m Loki, you may have heard of-” SLAP

~ “That was for New York”

~ “I like her”

~ *Loki gazing lovingly at Jane in the background*

~ “Betray him, and I’ll kill you.” “It’s good to see you too Sif”

~ “If you even think about betraying him-” “You’ll kill me? Evidently there will be a line”

~ “I thought you said you knew how to fly this thing.” “I said how hard can it be?”

~ “Whatever your doing brother I suggest you do it faster.” “Shut up Loki

~ “You must’ve missed something.” “I didn’t, I’m pressing every button on this thing”

~ “Well don’t hit it. Just press it, gently.” “I aM pReSsInG iT gEnTlY AND ITS NOT WORKING!!!”

~ *Thor starts slamming buttons and it starts working*

~ *Volstagg: Oh fighting is much fun- OH SHIT IM FALLING!! HELP!!!*

~ “I think you missed a column.” “Shut up”

~ “Why don’t you let me take over? I’m clearly the best pilot”

~ *Bitch I’m the one who can actually fly*

~ “Oh dear. Is she dead?”

~ *Thor knocks over a column* “Not a word”

~ “Now they’re following us”

~ “Now they’re firing at us”

~ “Yes thank you for the commentary Loki, it’s not at all distracting”

~ “Well done, you just decapitated your grandfather”

~ *Seriously, whoever wrote the escape scene is a genius!!!*

~ *Loki yelling at Thor about how thIs was a bad idea you dumb fuck- wait wtf are you doing AAAAHHHHH!!!!1*

~ “You lied to me. I’m impressed”

~ *That smile again snfnejaihfeqrqrsbdsalxdjewonjfeq*

~ “For Asgard!” YEET

~ “Nothing personal boys!”

~ “If it were easy, everyone would do it”

~ “Are you mad?” “Possibly”

~ “TADAAA”

~ “Oh yeah, my father. Eric Selvig”

~ “And these” “yeah… those”

~ “How did you find me?” “You were naked on television”

~ “I don’t get paid enough. I don’t get paid at all”

~ “What’s happening? Birds? Birds are happening?”

~ “All right are you ready?” “I am”

~ *phone rings* “It’s not me”

~ “Why are there so many shoes in here?”

~ “I’ll just text her”

~ “So who’s Richard?”

~ *Thor hanging his hammer on a coat hanger*

~ “Where are your pants?” “Oh he says it helps him think”

~ “Loki is dead” “Oh thank God!”

~ “Better get my pants”

~ “Do you even know what these things do?” “No” “…Neither do I”

~ “Ooh get the guy with the sword!”

~ “Oops”

~ *Ian’s high-pitched scream*

~ *Does car insurance cover My Car Was Sucked Into Another Planet Due To A Cosmic Event That Only Occurs Once Every 5000 Years or no?*

~ *Thor and Malekith fighting between worlds and poor little Mjolnir trying to keep up*

~ *The two of them against windows*

~ *AAAHHH*

~ *Awww! Look at the cute little Jotunheim monster! He’s so adorable I wanna pet him so much!’

~ *Darcy and Ian kissing after he saved her life*

~ “Darcy?” “Jane!” “Ian?” “Selvig.”

~ “Myuh Myuh!!”

~ *Thor ends up on the subway*

~ *The girl taking 50 photos*

~ *Thor and the woman colliding into eachother*

~ “I’ve come to accept your surrender”

~ *Malekith gets crushed by his own ship. Now that’s some lovely karma right there*

~ *Darcy and Ian go back to kissing*

~ “He kinda committed treason on our way out” oops

~ Jotunheim Puppy chasing birds

Wow I’m so sorry this was so long. But guess what? It’s gonna get even longer. Sorry, again.

So one of the differences between the first and second Thor movies is that Thor 2 has humor in the climax whereas Thor 1 doesn’t. This is because of the differences with who is the villain. In Thor 1, Thor is having to fight his brother. To quote Avengers, they “played together and fought together” for several millennia. Of course there’s not going to be any humor in it cause there shouldn’t be. The climax at the end of the movie isn’t supposed to be some epic battle between the forces of Good TM and Bad TM. It’s supposed to be tragic that he’s having to fight his own brother because Loki lost his mind due to so many factors. The last joke in the film is “You’re an amazon liar brother, always have been” “It’s good to have you back”. There’s nothing else till the end credit scene. That’s because Kenneth Branagh knew that this was supposed to be viewed at as being sad a hopeless, not some awesome upbeat battle.

Thor 2 on the other hand, is exactly that. Thor has known Malekith for.. what? 2 days? Maybe 3? His relationship and dynamic with Malekith is different than with his brother. To Thor, this is just another enemy attacking Asgard. And I’m not sure whether this was intentional or not (because I remember reading somewhere how Allen Taylor had a bitch of a time in the editing process so I think the movie came out different than he intended) but the lack of any personal relationship will Malekith means the film can make really funny jokes and still have it fit with the film. If anything, I might even argue that the humor helped the film to maintain a very nice positive vibe. Idk I can’t think of the right words to explain it but the jokes actually fit the film very well.

However, then we move on to Ragnarok. With Ragnarok, Thor is fighting his sister. While (just like Malekith) he has only known her for two days, that still doesn’t take away the fact that he is having to fight his sibling. And I’m not a film director but if I had the option of approaching this situation and taking it the Thor 1 route or the the Thor 2 route, I’d go with Thor 1. Because it’s actually incredibly tragic that Hela has been driven to insanity like Loki (though ok a different level) due to Odin’s shitty parenting. She is the horrible way she is because Odin made her that way. And that could’ve been an AMAZINGLY complex story with the audience feeling so much sympathy for Hela like we did with Loki in Thor 1, but the narrative just falls flat for two reasons. 1) Taika admitted he didn’t want the film to be emotionally complex so 2) The humor in the climax completely detracts from the seriousness of the situation.

Also, some side notes: Yes, this is edited from the original. I accidentally deleted everything and then had to go back and add everything back in. So I also had to re-tag people too. And I also added a bit more explanation at the end. I meant to do so when I originally posted but it never got done till now. Sry. Also sry that it’s so long

#dr badass jane foster #anti ragnarok #anti thor ragnarok #my meta #thor the dark world #thor 2 #thor #loki

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ao3feed-stucky · 6 years

Link

by wildfox

After battling alien invaders twice in the span of a few months, Darcy Lewis decides that she has had enough of luck controlling if she lives or dies, and forces herself to take up self-defense classes. There are not enough classes in the world to teach her how to protect herself against HYDRA, however. Especially not when the Winter Soldier is involved.

Words: 2631, Chapters: 1/?, Language: English

Fandoms: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence

Categories: F/M, M/M, Multi

Characters: James "Bucky" Barnes, Darcy Lewis, Steve Rogers, Alexander Pierce, Brock Rumlow, Jack Rollins, Tony Stark, Natasha Romanov (Marvel), Bruce Banner, Thor (Marvel), Jane Foster (Marvel), Erik Selvig, Ian Boothby

Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Darcy Lewis, Darcy Lewis/Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Darcy Lewis/Steve Rogers, past James "Bucky" Barnes/Natasha Romanov

Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Hurt/Comfort, Threesome - F/M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, References to Depression, Torture, Not Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, Not Captain America: The Winter Soldier Compliant, Soulmates, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Kidnapping, Slow Burn, Protective Steve Rogers, Darcy Lewis-centric, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Pre-HYDRA Reveal, Suicidal Thoughts

#Bucky #AO3 works tagged 'James Barnes/Steve Rogers'#ao3feed #stucky #steve rogers #bucky barnes #c

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fuckyeahdarcylewis · 6 years

Text

Hopeless Kingdom

by wildfox

Words: 2631, Chapters: 1/?, Language: English

Fandoms: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence

Categories: F/M, M/M, Multi

Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Darcy Lewis, Darcy Lewis/Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Darcy Lewis/Steve Rogers, past James "Bucky" Barnes/Natasha Romanov

via AO3 works tagged 'Darcy Lewis/Steve Rogers' https://ift.tt/2PNi438

#AO3 works tagged 'Darcy Lewis/Steve Rogers'#darcy lewis #steve rogers #darcy x steve #fanfictions

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cblgblog · 3 years

Note

How do you feel about the MCU post Endgame? I’m honestly having a hard time moving on knowing there is no Steve, no Peggy, all the passing down of the mantles. Tbh I’ve had a really hard time watching falcon and winter soldier because everything feel so real and hopeless (sans Sam’s story, that was good, but he’s still not Steve).

It’s very much a mixed bag for me.

Re FAWS yeah, I get where you’re coming from there. I personally really enjoyed the characterization stuff as far as both leads were concerned. The plotline, bleh, hot mess, but I thought Sam got some great stuff, and Bucky got some badly needed personality.

I’ve been reasonably happy with all the Disney+ shows so far. Wandavision was great, Hawkeye was good, What If was basically everything I wanted it to be. And What If gave us Cap Peggy and Skinny Steve, so come on. From what I understand, Peggy’s returning in season 2, and there are rumors about a Doctor Strange 2 cameo (though I always take those with a pound or two of salt). Most of the upcoming shows interest me on at least some level too.

Movies, that’s a little more mixed, but I so badly want Thor 4 you don’t even know, Shang Chi and Eternals were both enjoyable for me, if not to the same extent that earlier entries were. Now that No Way Home has dropped, there aren’t a lot of oh my God, I need to see it now, now, right now releases for me, barring the aforementioned Justice For Jane Foster, but I’m not exactly disconnected from it either.

I miss Steve. I’ll always miss Steve. At the same time, I knew Evans was gonna want to move on at some point, and I can’t blame him considering the amount of…everything, that these movies require. And I loved, loved, loved his ending, haters dni, stay in your own lane.) It helps immensely to know that he finally found peace and happiness.

So yeah, I’m definitely not where I used to be interest-wise, but that’s as much due to being unfamiliar with these newer characters than it is missing the old guard. To a certain extent, that lack of familiarity and pre-movie investment is a good thing. Shang Chi I got to go into with almost no preconceived notions, and therefore got to be surprised by the story in ways I wouldn’t have been with earlier films. Eternals, I legit knew nothing, so the twists in that movie were very much twists. And while I don’t yet have the same level of investment in these characters as I had in the old guard, I think that by and large, Feige and the Mouse Overlords have done a good job so far in introducing them to wider audiences and setting them up for bigger and better things down the line.

I'm still here for the ride. I'm not waiting in line 17 hours and bitching at myself for not getting the Fast Pass, but I'm still there.

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ao3feed-buckynat · 6 years

Text

Hopeless Kingdom

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/2PNi438

by wildfox

Words: 2631, Chapters: 1/?, Language: English

Fandoms: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence

Categories: F/M, M/M, Multi

Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Darcy Lewis, Darcy Lewis/Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Darcy Lewis/Steve Rogers, past James "Bucky" Barnes/Natasha Romanov

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/2PNi438

#ao3feed #buckynat #soviet spouses

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ao3feed-stevebucky · 6 years

Text

Hopeless Kingdom

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/2PNi438

by wildfox

Words: 2631, Chapters: 1/?, Language: English

Fandoms: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence

Categories: F/M, M/M, Multi

Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Darcy Lewis, Darcy Lewis/Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Darcy Lewis/Steve Rogers, past James "Bucky" Barnes/Natasha Romanov

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/2PNi438

#ao3feed #steve rogers #bucky barnes #stevebucky #stucky #steve/bucky #stevexbucky #fanfic

0 notes

ao3feed-janefoster · 6 years

Text

Hopeless Kingdom

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/2PNi438

by wildfox

Words: 2631, Chapters: 1/?, Language: English

Fandoms: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence

Categories: F/M, M/M, Multi

Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Darcy Lewis, Darcy Lewis/Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Darcy Lewis/Steve Rogers, past James "Bucky" Barnes/Natasha Romanov

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/2PNi438

#IFTTT #ao3feed #fanfic #jane foster

0 notes

tube-thoughts-blog · 7 years

Text

Vol. 12

zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star - dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking, 2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

---------- Everything Is Terrible:

*Skittles Commercial 1989: A beach slob is out of luck at a not-so-sexy French beach in an animated skittles ad from France.* 2 stars

*The BAR-B-Q-GURU!: Basic grilling techniques (for example: use a whole bottle of lighter fluid) by a broke ass middle aged black dude.* 1 star

*Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - Behind the Music: From scarfing pizza to snorting ants with Ozzy. Not really. More like a pathetic attempt by corporate America to exploit dumb kids and dumb parents.* either zero stars or close to 2 1/2 stars (for proof of said b.s.)

*Cowabunga! can do great things: Say something stupid, and feel good.* 2 1/2 stars

*Call Me Fantasy: Unintentionally awkward hardcore-phone-sex commercial.* 3 stars

------------------------

Cartoon Network Summerfest: (2002)

*Longhair and Doubledome - Good Wheel Hunting: Pre-historic odd couple.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Utica Cartoon: A bear gets in over his head in a all you can eat without paying (as long as you can eat them) hot dog bargain.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Yee Haw & Doo Dah - Bronco Breakin Boots: Yosemite Sam-esque cowboy and his talking horse are squatters in Central Park.* 2 stars

--------------

Gerhard Reinke's America: Gerhard Reinke Goes Ballooning *Over the rainbow and into the magical land of unicorns (not uniHorns) and Asian sluts.* close to 3 stars

----- Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: Barbarella

*Drive In Totals: 14 dead bodies - 1 vicious parakeet attack - 1 Roman orgy - 1 portable brainwave detector - Shag carpeted spaceship - 2 crash landings - 1 giant rubber stingray 1 vicious biting sharp toothed doll attack - demonic children - flower eating - sea through man - flying pod attack with fireballs - 1 burning outer space city - Snowball Fu - Green Laser Fu - and finally the Famous Lovemaking Tube

*TNT NFL Sunday Night Football commercial featuring New England Patriots' then quarterback Drew Bledsoe. Seems like ages ago before Tom Brady dominated the sports news media.

*Joe Bob talks about how the two sci blockbusters of 1968 were Barbarella and 2001. He says that critics wanted to call this one "2002: a Space Idiocy." HA!

*Jane Fonda is a terrible actress. Really terrible.

*Hippie / progressive logic is vomit enducing. "Free love" in this movie is made so confusing and non-fun.

*WCW "Rage in the Cage" FallBrawl commercial featuring Jim "The Anvil" (I believe)

*Joe Bob says this movie is like "Dante's Inferno meets Disney on Ice." Ha

*Hey, 90s business professional lady, don't be afraid of new technology. Get a Nokia cell phone with car lighter adapter for only $9.99. Offer good through 9/30/97

*Joe Bob's advice to the hopeless: talk of lesbos with the very sexy Reno the Mail Girl and Joe Bob helps deliver a viewer's baby (not literally, of course).

*Jane Fonda saves the galaxy by being as silly acting as possible and having softcore, no nudity no action, sex with every humanoid alien she meets.

1 star for the movie (It's more up Joel Schumacher's and Tim Burton's campy alley than mine.) between 1 1/2 and 2 stars for the commercials and 3 stars for Joe Bob's hosting

-----------------

The Greatest American Hero: My Heroes Have Always Been Cowboys *Poncho and Lefty.* 3 stars

Manimal: Scrimshaw *I am the walrus (literally).* either 1 star or between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

U.S.S. Alabama (Unaired FX network pilot) *Obviously this was gonna be Reno 911 meets Star Trek, and that's exactly what you get. Poking fun at the genre's tropes and adding the humorous element of inter-galactic govt. red tape getting in the way of space adventuring.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars (The hit or miss ad-libbing is probably why this series never got picked up.)

----- TV CARNAGE:

*The Unfriendliest Town In America: "Can you help me out, buddy?" BAM! Knee the person asking you that in the groin.* 3 stars

*Stripping Lessons From The Insecure: You need a book about striptease allure from a lady that doesn't even feel sexy herself.* 2 1/2 stars

*Sad Sex Sillys!: Uncomfortable advice and uncomfortable laughter.* 1 star

*No More Free Blow Chobs: RICK, she's not some kind of oral sex machine. Stop coming into her dorm room and getting completely naked, while she's in the other room getting erotic candles for the two of you, you horny frat boy you.* 2 1/2 stars

*You Call This Relaxing: Neo-Nazis crucifying another Neo-Nazi* 2 stars

----------------------------------------

---Commander USA's Groovie Movies: CHUD

*For those not familiar with Commander USA, he's a tv movie host from the 80s. He looks like The Comedian from The Watchmen (he predates him, I believe) but he's more like a street wise version of Mr. Rogers. He likes to paint his right hand up with a smiley face, using ashes from his cigar butt, call it "Lefty" and talk to it like a sidekick friend. It's weird and almost painfully unfunny at times, but this is an afternoon, if I'm correct, movie show and not something late night like Joe Bob. Though, Svengoolie uses a lot of cheesy humor on his near-late night monster movie show.*

*Carefree bubble gum commercial. "Now with more flavor than ever." Was it sort of bland before? Were they holding back on the flavor? In the ad, a lot of very active and olympic level folk were blowing bubbles while performing. I can't picture people of the 20 Tens fitness culture even chewing any kind of gum. It's probably not gluten free, anyway.*

*An awesome USA network preview commercial for "Night Flight" "Where would your weekend be without it?" 11 pm eastern 10 pm central. Cool music videos and shorts. Generation X laments for MTV's glory days, well these other cable channels' attempts at MTV style programming were just as good, if not better.*

*Christopher Lee and Joan Collins in "Dark Places" TONIGHT 8pm on USA's Saturday Nightmares I'm tearing up thinking about how good old school cable used to be. Now, they'd probably have a four hour block of a reality show or a forensic detective show or a douchebag movie featuring The Rock, and never in a million years program a horror / mystery movie block followed by late night music videos and animated short films and stand up comedy. You sat in your acid washed jeans and watched this with only your remote, a bowl of popcorn, and a Pepsi. You didn't have an iphone, snapchat, twitter, facebook, netflix, redbox new releases only (barf), hulu, game of thrones, orange is the new black, pandora, real housewives of the kardashians, kanye west butchering bohemian rhapsody. We lived in ye good ole days.*

*One of the "Wet Bandits" from Home Alone is here in the 1980s NYC running a soup kitchen for the homeless. What a difference a decade and meeting Goodfella Joe Pesci makes.*

*Kolchak the Nightstalker would be right at home in this movie's environment. In fact, they have a haggard looking, snooping reporter who's almost a version of him.*

*Commander USA is carving meats for his footlong sandwich right after the scene where the photographer / hero goes down into the underground, with his homeless pal, and checks up on the injured homeless guy's chewed up and festering leg. Ewww. Ha.*

*An 80s nerd is playing bomber pilot in the mirror as he treats his zits with Oxy 10. He's so obnoxious, he deserves leprosy. However, I do miss uncool 80s teenagers who weren't afraid to be uncool.*

*Nabisco Brands logo on a BabyRuth commercial featuring two good looking male and female models in BabyRuth logo letter jackets. One: the Nabisco logo of the 80s gave off some kind of hypnotic feel good illuminatti trance vibe. Must love this corporate brand. Two: Why do they always show chocolate being poured in its melty form? The candy bar is gonna be solid and only melted if it's in your ass pocket and you sit on it or leave it on the dash of your car. Hot, melty chocolate is so damn much better it's like crack was in the 80s. More subliminal, chocolatey, illuminatti shit.*

*A 1-800 number ad featuring feel good American craftsmanship, sportsmanship, patriotism... uh ship and other propaganda for joining the National Rifle Association of America. The 80s were conservative as fuck, motherfucker. Have your VISA or MasterCard ready for your $20 NRA member baseball cap and 10,000 dollars worth of "accidental death" insurance with the NRA. Because you will kill yourself or a loved one or a hunting buddy. It's your 2nd amendment right.*

*Commander USA parodies the scene where the little girl is traumatized after her dad gets jerked out of a phone both by a C.H.U.D. Commander USA uses a blow up doll in his own personal phonebooth to re-enact the scene. Kind of black humor on the part of the old Commander. This was a sort of family friendly afternoon movie show with a basic cable edit of the film, and here they still mix in some bleak humor. Gotta love the 80s. They would not even show this kind movie in the afternoon on basic cable anymore. Sure, SYFY shows monster movies on Saturday afternoons, but they don't show 80s monster movies. They show 2000s crapfests and Asylum mock monster horror shitfests.*

*A yuppie couple is playing their morning game of tennis. The husband is sluggish because he didn't have his Kellog's Branflakes, while the wife is running circles around him. Yes, he didn't have his morning dump, and she did. These ads were effectively satirized in the 90s when Saturday Night Live did their "Colon Blow" cereal commercials.*

*AT&T wants to help 80s, pre internet business communications, small businesses become more successful. Sure, a big corporation really just wanted money like they always would. Truth is they'd like to merge with other super corporations and make the six headed corporate dragon of the apocalypse and suck the souls out of every small business, small business owner, and slug citizen of the global economic slavepit like a high speed slurpee.

*Roger Clemens lip-syncs in a non-redneck voice and gets naked behind a towel (for 80s chicks who wanted to see that. Surprised that he was ever considered a hunk. But whatever) in a "Zestfully Clean" ad. Cheesy, and wouldn't have been my brand of soap in the 80s, but nowhere near as obnoxious and off putting as modern Old Spice soap or Axe body wash.*

*Chef Dom Deluise doesn't wanna say goodbye to his Summer vegetables, as he sings a song to them about saying goodbye, in a Ziploc freezer bag commercial. He really needed to spend less time in the kitchen singing to food. R.I.P. Dom Deluise. He's dead, right?*

*Capn Lou Albano has to be dragged off screen in his 1-800 talk wrestling phone ad. Rejects from The Village People bust into his living room and do this, for some reason. There had to be some moron to call this number and listen to Lou ramble incoherently about Luigi and Jimmy Superfly Snuka.*

*"Dream Away" overnight weight loss tablets. I'm guessing these 1980s biggest losers sweated to the oldies with Richard Simmons in their dreams and all those fat cells just drifted away down into their waterbeds. Every moron in the 80s had a waterbed.*

*In the 80s, it took a magician named "Blackstone" and a series of motivational cassette tapes to get people to stop smoking. No one ever smoked after this and those annoying TRUTH ads featuring dying smoking victims talking out of their neckholes, that you have to hurry and look away as you flip the channel during dinner, never took place. What a wonderful alternate reality we live in.*

*C.H.U.D. and They Live would and probably has made a great double feature. Both have themes of the govt not caring about the people on the bottom level of society.*

*Another reason why this is a great movie is they're taking their sweet time to build up the tension of really getting a good look at the monsters. Sure, we've had glimpses of them. But nothing really lingers on them. It's all quick edits. When they finally show themselves to the people of New York, and the movie viewer, it will be worth the payoff. If this were a SYFY Asylum mock-monster-mock-movie we'd already had seen the shitty CGI croco-cerebus-cheetah in the first five minutes when it devours Caitlyn Jenner.*

*This movie also meets Joe Bob Briggs' rule of any good horror movie which is "Anybody can die at anytime." And they do, there, in the sewers of NYC in C.H.U.D.*

*Get Dianetics at Waldenbooks. The pseudo-psychology pseudo-religion selfhelp zeitgeist of 80s yuppies.*

*One more inspid bit of 80s propaganda by conservative Ronald Reagan America and corporate America: They would have "By Mennen" ads featuring babies and new moms with the 1950s tv mom standing over her shoulder giving her instructions on every "how to" and all the mother know how life advice she'd need. Basically saying, "Don't think for yourself. Make the 80s just like the good ole 50s."*

*"FDS Woman." Yes, ladies of the 80s used a huge aerosol can of feminine deodorant spray to keep their smelly vaginas in check, and that, coupled with their big hair, that needed to also be aerosol sprayed, is the reason that we have a hole in the ozone layer and now everyone has smelly genitals from the swamp crotch caused by a greenhouse gas oven climate that we all endure for most of the year.*

*There's no irony being noticed by anyone, here, that this movie that came out in the 80s and featured a plot about radioactive waste coming back to bite everyone in the ass is being shown on television, in the 80s, sandwiched in between all kinds of products that we have to destroy our bodies with using and our environment in making. Nope, none. Ha.*

*"Go back to sleep America. Your government is in control." -Bill Hicks*

*Nice government citywide coverup of the night of horrors and incident.*

*And a great cameo by John Goodman as a NYC cop in a greasy spoon diner, when the CHUDs show back up for the gotcha horror ending.*

*Commander USA puts on his trench coat and heads out the door after the credits roll.*

*The USA network voice over guy tells us to tune in tomorrow at noon for All American Wrestling featuring the voice talents of Mean Gene Okerlund. Can't get much more 80s than that.*

3 stars for the movie (even being on basic cable and edited) 2 1/2 stars for the Commander and finally either 1 star or close to 3 stars for the cheesy, despicable ads

----------------------------------------

---- Marc Summers' Mystery Magical Tour:

*For some reason Marc Summers is out on a stormy night, on a desolate road, after watching a movie with a group of kids, when his convertible gets a flat tire and he has no spare. One: that's just not responsible adult behavior, but what would you expect from the host of Double Dare. Two: Why is the top down when it's gonna rain? And where is this movie theater out on a winding mountain road right out of a David Lynch movie?

*The Addams Family's John Astin makes a cameo as a disgruntled magician, breaking the 4th wall and airing grievances, before quitting his magician job at a spooky, old dark house in the middle of nowhere.

*Guess who happens to pull in front of the house seeking help. Marc and kids.

*Of course, per requirement for a creepy mansion, no one is there to open the door and it is a case of just letting one's self in.

*It's gonna be Marc's own personal "Hotel California" as a creepy, gloved hand slides Marc's picture into the frame on the Now Appearing Act sign outside the mansion.

*Marc is proving why more game show hosts aren't asked to act. This is a labor of magician love, so he gets to star in his own pet project on Nickelodeon.*

*There's the old googly eyes behind the painting following around Marc and kids. A staple of old dark house horror.*

*Secret passageways and locked doors, spooky setting, ominous David Copperfield esque magician playing an old phonograph record using telepathy, but Are You Afraid of the Dark this ain't.*

*"Connect Four" singing faces commercial from the 1980s. Another awesome board game that caused many a sibling argument.*

*Johnny is the coolest 10 year old. He wears his jean jacket over his shoulders like a matador would wear a cape. Every kid in town has gathered to watch him take on Milton Bradley's Simon electronic guessing slap game.*

*The kids are running around without Marc who got disappeared into a skeleton in a phone booth. Now, the kids are pulling the old 3 Stooges "Knock it off" things happening behind the others backs routine.*

*Now, a maid has shown up to do a Carol Burnett mime routine. Sad and beautiful.*

*Lance Burton starts having a swashbuckling sword duel with the killer ghost character from Wes Craven's Scream.*

*The silky voiced and animated bear from the Golden Crisp commercial. Whatever became of him?*

*A Converse "Conasaur" commercial featuring pre-historic lizards from King Kong's Skull Island and the old black and white Lost World movie. Nice.*

*Tyco Dino-Riders toy commercial. Dinosaurs ruled the earth once again in the late 80s and early 90s and kids back then had awesome toys, cartoons, and movies to show for it.*

close to 2 1/2 stars for Marc, and kids, inside Lance's lunatic magician's mansion. close to 3 stars for the kid friendly retro ads

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Twitch City: Killed By Cat Food *Art imitating life without merit. Without Hope. So, Curtis finally leaves the apartment and finds Hope, again.* 3 stars

--- Found Footage Fest:

*Clean Butt: Hands free shitting experience that's very dignified.* 2 1/2 stars

*Disney World, One Kid's Opinion: Although the lines are long, it's worth it.* 1 star or 5 Mickeys according to this kid

*Exercise Awareness Week: "The Wu Tang Clan of exercise shows" featuring an 80 year old govt hating bible thumper.* 2 strange stars

*Inline Skating Is Fun: Wear a helmet or have a sweet ponytail to protect your fragile egg shell of a head.* 2 1/2 stars

*Memorial Day 2000: For the land of the free and the home of the show us your fuckin' tits!* either zero stars or close to 3 stars

---------------------------------------

Spicy City: An Eye For An Eye *Cyberspace better than the shark tank. Tragic song and dance in a chat room lounge.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Robocop the series: What Money Can't Buy *A sick kid needs the "Sultan of Detroit Swat," Robocop, to hit a homerun off of a curveball thrown by an organ snatcher.* either 1 star or between 2 and 2 1/2 stars (This show is at odds with itself. On one hand you have the clever Robocop style adult satire of society, and on the other it's a dumb, mainstream, early 90s, PG-action tv series with all the cliches and flaws of those kinds of series.)

Gerhard Reinke's America: Gerhard Reinke in Roswell, New Mexico *"All Chinese look alike just like all aliens look alike." -Stanton Friedman, UFO expert.* close to 3 stars

Casey and Friends: Episode 10 "1989" *The setting is late in the 2000s decade. Some hipster-nerd teenagers find their dad's old VHS cam-corder and set out to parody 1980s era, "cool Christian" teens television shows that they still show on Saturday afternoons on the religious channels. Unfortunately, the "too kewl for Sunday school" teens come up short on the satire and humor.* either between zero and 1/2 a star or between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

----------- Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: The Beast Within

*Joe Bob is all for mutant-insect sex with humans as long as it produces monster horror flicks.

*Drive In Totals: 16 dead bodies... 1 dead dog... Neck munching... Embalming needle through the chest... Electrocution... Disembowling... Head rolls.. Hand rolls..

*Joe Bob will be with the viewer all night for "all the insect sex info"

*Monster/murder/rape mystery and returning to a hicksploitation town where it happened

*Joe Bob knows about deep, dark southern mysteries involving can opener / electrical chord murders

*Yep, it's a strange one. Effeminite, elderly newspaper man patting out raw hamburger and flirting with the delivery boy who turns rabid and chomps on the raw flesh of the weirdo old man, killing him. Plus, Designing Women's man's man Meschach Taylor is one of the town's deputees. Ha.

*Joe Bob is making toy grasshoppers hump and questioning the strange, sexual tension of the movie. Like the romantic strolls, with a deranged redneck's daughter, by a swamp full of body parts.

*Joe Bob wants to know why adults can't watch innards, 'cause of censors, even after the midnite hour on Turner basic cable. I agree.

*Joe Bob threatens to go on Jerry Springer and air his complaints, because he loves the violence on that show.

*Being embalmed alive has to rank pretty high on the horror movie kill list hall of fame.

*The town drunk has figured out who the killer is, but the sheriff won't listen and tells him that he looks like "The high noon of a coon dog just leaving the swamp."

*The young lead/monster of this movie looks like John C. Reilly playing a teenage Dewey Cox / Lon Chaney Jr. Wolfman

*Joe Bob exclaims how Monstervision is better than Turner Classic movies, because instead of pointing out facts about Liz Taylor getting hickeys from lovers in 1957, he talks about dead Baptist ghosts in spooky Mississippi hospitals where they film horror flicks

*Joe Bob questions the logic of turning into a cicada monster that's never explained in the movie.*

close to 3 stars for the tv edit of the movie and 3 stars for Joe Bob

------------------------------------------------

---- John Candy in "Summer Rental" on AMC (American Movie Classics)

*National Lampoons Vacation comparisons, but Candy is more endearing than Chevy. His movie family, on the other hand, terrible... so far

*Stuck in a moving station wagon with a farting dog, yet this movie still is charming and nowhere near as bad as a 2000s era awful comedy with someone like Martin Lawrence or Adam Sandler taking their families on vacation.

*AMC is airing this Summer themed movie during the Christmas holidays, and showing a commercial for their upcoming Holiday hit movies. Bill Murray's Scrooged is gonna be ran for 24 hours straight. Who started this shit? I love Scrooged, I used to love a Christmas Story, Home Alone 1 & 2, and Christmas Vacation, but I'll be damn if they did not run these movies into the ground. 24 hours straight of the same movie is insane and enough to make fans start hating their favorite movies. They play Home Alone and Christmas Vacation every other day on cable starting around Thanksgiving up until Dec. 27. ENOUGH!

*Hallmark digital Holiday cards featuring the overused Charlie Brown song and more awful insurance ads guilting family's into life insurance. They're raking in the bucks off of sentimental feelings

*Shaq is sitting by a warm fireplace attempting to read a corporate Christmas story (buy our stuff!) to a bunch of multi-cultural tv commercial kids. How, sweet.... humbug

*Renters versus Owners. A Ronald Reagan type rich yuppie gets Haiwaiin shirt wearing John Candy's table at the fancy restaurant, after Candy waited forever in line, and his lobster dinner. Basically, the rich, who can live in the vacation town all year long, against the 40plus hour a week white collar worker who can only rent a condo for a couple of weeks in the nice vacation area.

*Rip Torn is a pirate in a rundown dive bar / Captain D's

*John Candy is one of those take all kinds of crap dads on a vacation from hell.

*J.G. Wentworth sure likes bad opera singing and people yelling out windows

*Run in with the evil Ron Reagan guy while sailing. After beach hiijinks and moving in to a crappy shack on the beach after getting kicked out of their nice condo by the real owners.

*Wife and kids go to a movie during a rainstorm, while Candy is laid up cripple after a sailing accident, and mom forgot her wallet leading to John Laroquette picking up the tickets for them and hitting on mom.

*John Candy's character should just kill himself now.

*Footloose Kevin Bacon poster on the lobby wall and teen daughter is listening to Wham! on her walkman headphones. Barf on both, but 80s nostalgia nonetheless.

*Flinstones gag where Candy gets locked outside, in the rainstorm, by his dog.

*Candy is nursing a hurt leg in a kids plastic pool while his wife is on a speedboat with a douchebag like Laroquette.

*AH, his luck might have changed for the better? The bikini beach bimbo shows up on his sandy lawn... with pity

*Corporate America has no shortage of insipid holiday commercials. They even try to be clever about being aware of this in some of the commercials. Bill Hicks would note that they're going for the "hating the holidays" dollar.

*There's a nude boob scene that Candy gets to be in (not his boobs, thankfully) and I wonder since this is an 80s flick, even though I'm sure PG13, if there were actual boobs shown. Since it was the 80s, and 80s PG13 was edgier, I'm thinking maybe they did show naked boobs. AMC doesn't, however, 'cause it's the Holidays and we still have Pilgrim and Puritan overlords and Santa watches everything.

*The 80s version of Larry the Cable guy has taken over Candy's bed, and taken up with his dog, while watching the Smurfs, during a beach bum party takeover of Candy's vacation house. It happens when Candy is next door checking out the neighbor's brand new boob job.

*Rip Torn and John Candy have a drunken debate. Who's tougher? Jimmy Cagney or Sylvester Stallone

*Ron Reagan voter is signing business papers on the coffin of Candy's condo's former owner. Uh, oh, 'cause Candy has shown up in beach shorts and a white sports coat at the funeral home. Candy's being evicted. Lesson: don't rub the rich the wrong way.

*Crooked rich guy's boat is called "The Incisor."

*As per requirement for all Summer fun movies, there's a challenge thrown down between the good guys of Candy's / Rip Torn's haggard pirate beach bums and the yuppie rich sailor who happens to be Candy's evil landlord. It's a sail off. Winner takes all.

*Candy's clan wins the battle of waves.

*Whatever happened to the Laroquette and Candy's wife subplot? Who cares....

*This movie just isn't as satisfying as Chevy's Summer vacation, though it had some decent moments. Sick of Chevy's Summer vacation, however, and never need to see it again. Ever. Cable has played it so much it feels like the other 9 months of the year and not a vacation at all.

2 1/2 stars for the movie 1 1/2 stars for the ads

-----------------------------------------

Northern Exposure: Sex, Lies, and Ed's Tape *A high concept man with his head on the bar.* close to 3 stars

Gerhard Reinke's America: Gerhard Reinke in Alaska *Where one's pee turns instantly into a popsicle.* close to 3 stars

Cartoon Network Summerfest: (2002)

*Maktar: A group of kids are playing flashlight tag, on the lawn, one Summer night. The light somehow shoots through the cosmos and is received as an act of war by a planet of oddball as well as kaiju controlling aliens.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Test Drive: Some white trash teens find a Transformer type robot in a junkyard and rebuild it. A zero suit Samus chick, from the future, arrives to reclaim it, and they aid her in a smackdown to stop aliens from destroying earth.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

----------------------------

USA UP All Night with Rhonda Shear: Beach Fever & Nightmare Sisters (1992)

Host segments for Beach Fever:

*Ritzy, early 90s UP All Night has just as good an opening video as Saturday Night Live, of the same time period, had.

*Rhonda thinks Beach Fever has feminist vibes because it has bikini babes relaxing and enjoying themselves on the beach while also karate kicking dudes in the neck

*Viewer mail: A guy named Ralph wants to exchange footcream in order to see Rhonda wiggle her toes in cheesecake. Rhonda shows off her comedic chops (which would sound surprisingly good to some, and they are) when she impersonates a New Yawk advice columnist, looking like the receptionist of Ghostbusters, complete in red wig. Reading a letter from a lady whose son is wearing her panties. Ha.

*More viewer mail: Rhonda reads a letter, while stretched out in a red miniskirt on a white bed, from the president of the "foot fetish society of America."

*Rhonda writes her wishlist to Santa while the rockabilly classic "Rocking Around the Christmas Tree" plays in the background

*A viewer writes in to tell Rhonda how he and his wife, inspired by Rhonda's succulent cheesecake covered toes, took a chocolate pie to bed. Kinky weirdos, but fun anyway

*More letters rolling in prove the value of old school late night movie hosts. People are not watching for the subpar flicks, they're watching for an entertaining host. If more networks still did this, they'd get more value out of their late night tv library & ads.

*Other viewers write in to USA network wanting them to put that "space mutant" Gilbert Gotfried off of the other late night hosting spot and send him to where he belongs, "SciFi" network, instead. Ha.

Beach Fever:

*Kato Kaelin and not Jackie Chan have beach high jinks against pimps/pushers, muscleheads, and sexual zombies.*

USA UP All Night Late Night Advertisements:

*A yuppie douchebag is tired of being alone at night and having horny air bubble thoughts pop up above his empty head. So, he spends a dollar a minute to call up "Singles Connection Hotline." next thing you know, he's dry humping bimbos on the dancefloor, just like his pal.

*Lonely gals and guys call "Phone Partners" for 99 cents a minute and find friends in the same town or across the country. Social networking difficult back then. More saxophone soothing, but expensive.

*Call the "Mind Maze" for 5 bucks a minute (wow, expensive!) and get X-Files esque phone sex, I guess, with a creepy guy back lit by what I'm guessing is an alien searchlight peeping through your closed blinds. Creepy.

*TeleFriend. For 4.99 a minute, you too can have a female "friend" to talk to.

Host Segments for Nightmare Sisters:

*A viewer is mad that "Macho Man" Randy Savage touched Rhonda, on a previous night's UP All Night, and the viewer crushed his beer can, spilling suds, in a rage. Ha.

"Nightmare Sisters" starring Linnea Quigley (1988):

*Sorority Babes in Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama meets Revenge of the Nerds. This time with succubus and a decapitated genie's head, named Dukey Flyswatter, in a crystal ball.*

3 stars for Rhonda close to 2 1/2 stars the advertisements close to 2 stars for Beach Fever and close to 3 stars for Nightmare Sisters

--------------------------------------

Erwin C. Dietrich's "High Test Girls" (1980) *In a picturesque European village nestled in the mountains, six scandalous Swedish sweeties service a softcore-sex-soaked gas station / grotto. Sex antics with plenty of tongue in cheek humor.* more than 2 1/2 stars

"High Kicks" (1993) *Jean Claude Van Damme meets Tommy Wiseau, without enough awkwardness to warrant a cult following or even viewing. A toothless & bloodless attempt at rape-revenge exploitation. Shot on video at Venice Beach. A mullet hairdo sporting Patrick Swayze type zen martial artist / drifter (private pleasure sailor) helps an aerobics chick learn basic self defense to fend off a haggard gang of goofy stereotypes. One villain sounds/looks like Artie from Howard Stern's Show, another acts all Carlos Mencia, there's even a Fat Albert body double, and the required Asian kung fu gangbanger.* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

---- Red Letter Media.com presents Best of the Worst:

*Lady Terminator: Skanky Lara Croft has her vagina possessed by a snake goddess and becomes a Lady Terminator. Makes about as much sense as Terminator Genisys.* close to 2 stars

*Lost In Dinosaur World: A kid friendly, and painfully boring, 90s Jurassic Park cash in and half assed attempt at advertising for a theme park full of barely mobile animatronic dinosaurs.* 1/2 a star

*Low Blow: A kung fu Charles Bronson wannabe, who's inept and elderly, versus a could-not-care-any-less cult leader.* 2 stars barely

Red Letter gives a tie for best between Lady T. and Low. B. Lost in Dinosaur World gets melted by a hot iron.

--------------------------------

1201Beyond.com presents Riff You A New One: Raiders of Atlantis *"I downloaded a copy of a mustache." I don't know what that means, but I think it pretty much sums up watching this flick. It's an Italian exploitation mixture of Raiders of the Lost Ark, Miami Vice, A-Team, Road Warrior, Gilligan's Island, and Fulci's Zombie.* 2 1/2 stars with riffing and between 2 and 2 1/2 stars without riffing

"Asylum For Shut Ins: Video Psychotherapy" (2004) *A twisted, beatnik(?) ventriloquist dummy screws with the viewer's head for watching clips of screaming scream queens, acts of depravity, and horror gore. Often repetitive and headache inducing.* running from close to 2 stars down to 1 star down to zero

Gerhard Reinke's America: Gerhard Goes Noodling In Oklahoma *Savoring "gettin' some!"* 2 1/2 stars

Ripley's Believe It Or Not!: Episode 1 (1985) *Jack Palance pisses up a rope.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Obscurus Lupa presents: Gymkata *The Cold War had everyone olympics caliber athletics crazed. Beating Ivan Drago, having a Miracle on Ice, or scoring high in Tetris meant something. So much that Ronald Reagan's Star Wars nuclear program depended on the C.I.A. getting a gymnast into a Soviet neighbor backwoods inbred country's Ninja Warrior obstacles of death challenge in a Eastern European forest. The winner getting one wish. Ronald Reagan used that wish to launch a laser sky cannon and crumbled the Berlin Wall.* 2 stars for the flick and 2 stars for the fun review

Forever Knight: Dying To Know You *A psychic gets a little too close to the fire trying to fly with a vampire. I miss how 70s, 80s, and 90s action dramas would always end with lite humor, despite having a heavy story to the show. In this episode, a police psychic gets killed in the line of duty, after getting personal with our hero. He broods about it during a thunderstorm, and then the episode ends with the four lead cops having a laugh about protein shakes and tofu burgers on their lunch break. Game of Thrones and others should try this. *wink* 3 stars

Hill Street Blues: I Never Promised You A Rose Marvin *This town might be more corrupt than Gotham. There's a bully SWAT team with a tank for a toy. Corrupt politicians try to cover up their crimes using corrupt high ranking police. And kooky doctors think that dangerous mental patients are just misunderstood and shouldn't be behind bars. Lucky for everyone, there are more than a few James Gordon quality cops down at the Hill Street precinct.* 3 stars

Viper: The Face *Suffers from the flaw of many movies and tv shows of the time period. Too much emphasis is placed on the comic relief and it gets in the way of the plot. That being a noble ex-con stuck between a rock and a hard place.* either 1 star or between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

"Samurai Cop" (1989) *Set in a bizarre alternate universe where Tommy Wiseau makes Tony Scott style action movies. Three things that no one would have thought would go together so sweetly: buddy action comedy, softcore porn scenes, and Japanese warrior code.* 3 stars

--- Found Footage Fest:

*Even More Proof - Swords and Blowguns: Tips on how to have unsafe fun with deadly weapons for sale from the same guy giving the tips.* 1 star

*Hair Again: A picture of someone, with hair, is worth a thousand words, but the same picture, with someone wearing a wig, is pretty much worthless.* 3 stars

*How To Be A Real Man: Banditos get loco for HeyZeus.* 3 stars

*Star Search Audition - Nick Gomez: Carlos Mencia would have gotten zero stars on Star Search.*

*Video Guide to Successful Seduction: "Plan something different." "In public." Do it in public...* 3 stars

----------------

Max Headroom: Lessons *They're censoring Sesame Street.* 2 1/2 stars

1201Beyond.com presents Channel 32 Bloopers (1989) *Hijinks from a local t.v. station in the Midwest. It's always the businessman, who's too inept to be his own commercial spokesman, that steals the show. See also: Punch Drunk Love's "Mattress Man" plus the internet legend "Winnebago Man."* between 2 & 2 1/2 stars

"Broadcast Babes" ---XXX--- (1985) *So, big haired (also boobed) lady, you wanna be be a glamorous news reporter mindlessly reading teleprompter info about family housefire deaths and funning it up with the weather guy? Well, first, you gotta lay it all out, on the casting couch, with Ron Jeremy's wiener cousin.* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

Future Schlock Vol. 1 *"It literally takes you to Funky Town." "My dad lives in a downtown hotel." "Girls like guys who get high." A mixtape with just the right amount of attention deficit disorder.* 3 stars

Wizards & Warriors: The Caverns of Chaos *Trust sprouts from bitter roots.* 3 stars

Look Around You: Health *"Between you and me, I wish I had never gotten out of bed this morning." That was before meeting MediBot. A 1950s sci fi style robot & mobile surgeon.* 2 1/2 stars

---- Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: Soylent Green w/commentary from director Fleischer

*Talk about how this was an early environmental film in a dirty decade, the 1970s.

*New York has a population, here in 2020, of 40 million people. There's mass overcrowding and a huge divide between the the have(s) and those who have not.

*Romero would take this timeless, universal notion and apply it during the Bush Jr. years in Land of the Dead.

*Total dystopia happening here.

*When society is hanging on by a thread, women become property. It always happens.

*Joe Bob loves Chuck Heston in this flick. He thinks he's nasty and tough in a harsh setting. Joe Bob hates cutesy sci fi flicks. The ugliness of this one appeals to Joe Bob as he stands in front of kitschy, skull trailer decorations.

*You know it's a heavy film when Edward G. Robinson is crying over vegetables, because he hasn't seen any since his youth due to crop shortages and world starvation.

*A lot of social barriers have had to come down, due to circumstance, in this movie's world, but still armed men have to loom over like Hendrix's song "Watchtower."

*Joe Bob tells his audience to slow down and accept the slow pace of the film.

*Poetic dinner scene where Robinson gets to introduce Heston's character to a meal that he's never had before.

*Planet of the Apes, Omega Man, this flick... Heston was the king of thought provoking mainstream 70s sci fi

*150 bucks a jar strawberry jam on a spoon, from a suspect's kitchen, retrieved by the cop character of Heston. It's part of the plot and another scary, little aspect of the flick that really needs to be noted. In our real life, the prices of certain foods are always fluctuating depending on some issue. Right now eggs have gone up because of a bird epidemic, last year it was pork for similar reasons. This film is all too real.

*Heston's character is our hero, but, as noted by the director, he's lacking some of the more noble qualities of Robinson's older character who saw more earlier brighter days. This is saying that we're preparing a world for future generations, through our ignorance and arrogance and destructive deeds, where they'll have less and less humanity.

*Joe Bob, in character maybe, is getting bored with the film and thinks it needs a lesbo orgy. Maybe he thinks this will be above the heads of most of the drunk, late night TNT crowd.

*Chuck interrupts a lounge full of sexy ladies, and bums a drink and a smoke from one of them noting, "If I had money, I would smoke 2 or 3 of these everyday." In the seventies that would be a joke for different reasons than it is now. Back then, smokes were cheap, but now, he's right, you would be lucky to afford a pack a day, and soon it will probably be the way it is in this movie.

*Noting that the female character is nothing more than sexy dressing to the scenes and the lives of the men. Like sleak 70s furniture. Kind of like the whores in Game of Thrones.

*Joe Bob points out that Chuck is a feminist because he wanted the female lead to show angst about her situation in life, before taking her to bed. Ha. Touche.

*In this next scene, the governor of New York is taking his family to see the one tree in the state in a hothouse. In current, real news, the mayor of Portland, Oregon, took his family on the parade route of the Rose Parade through downtown Portland after a vicious homeless sweep to get the homeless off the streets so they wouldn't be an ugly reminder during the pretty parade.

*The director is commenting that there is no middle class in this movie. Only the very rich and the very poor. Again, it's where we're heading as a society.

*Joe Bob points out how the police, govt, and the rich would love to use bulldozer garbage trucks to scoop protesters off the street. Wouldn't they!

*One of the first movies to tell the truth of corporations being the new evil of society.

*Another scary dilemma of society in this movie, and possibly where we're heading with governments wanting to take internet freedoms and rights to share dissent away, the small group of humanitarian people are gathered in the one remaining library to read what information that they have left and maybe get down to finding out what the Soylent corporation is truly up to. Modern corporations would love to take our ability away and make us not be able to know what they're up to.

*The euthanization sequence with the sterile setting and the pretty music and pictures. I think it says something about 21st century people and our veal calf lives of pleasure.

*A classic gloom & doom tale about global warming and corporate greed.

*And remember, Chef Boyardee is Soylent Green.

*We end with Joe Bob talking about the next flick, on Monstervision, the Legend of Boggy Creek. And how the director was meticulous about detailing the true accounts of Bigfoot in a Texas/Arkansas swamp. This film was made around the same time as Soylent Green. Again, fast forward to modern day, we have real global issues happening in the world, and corporate channels like AnimalPlanet waste time and viewers' attention on shows like "Finding Bigfoot." History will repeat itself until the apocalypse.

3 stars for Soylent (the movie, not the product) close to 3 stars for the director and actress commentary and more than 2 1/2 stars for Joe Bob

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TV CARNAGE:

*Keep on rocking forever baby boomers!: Roll on with that broken hip. You have medicare.* 2 1/2 stars

*Gullible as shit: Believe anything a trio of Asian gangbanging greasers have to tell you.* close to 2 stars

*Need my medicine: Benji, the dog, and Chuck Norris on a drug bust.* between 2 and 2 1/2

*Mighty Fine Man: You Pay TOO MUCH!* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Pay day: Don't be nervous, 'cause you're gettin' laid.* 1 1/2 stars

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Six Feet Under: The Foot *And a heavy hand. I'm once again starting not to like any of these characters (except for the cop; as a person).* close to 2 1/2 stars (biased rating not reflecting quality)

Spicy City: Sex Drive *A Sin City Marv type butts heads with his cop partner. A real crooked dame.* 3 stars

--- Everything Is Terrible:

*Milk is sweet, bro: The cream always rises to the top. So, chew your cud, bud.* 3 stars

*Vitamix - Catch the Vision!: It takes 3 seconds to grind meat and dust mite feces.* 3 stars

*Woman versus computer!: You've pushed the wrong button, bitch!* 3 stars

*BUBBLES!: "They're your friends." If you get high a lot and talk to puppets. It helps.* 2 1/2 stars

*It all ends soon!: Feral agony.* 2 1/2 stars

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"Blue Ice" ---xxx--- (1985) *Nazi exploitation mixed into a noir San Francisco setting. Spliced together with so much grit that one would believe they're back in the 70s at some 42nd St. New York grindhouse theater watching it.* close to 3 stars

---- Memory Hole:

*The power of the Dark Lord: to create zany mishaps at church.* close to 3 stars

*God bless America: that old soft shoe soul of a nation.* 2 1/2 stars

*Real men meow: it's okay to admit it and to be timid about it.* 2 1/2 stars

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Rescue 911 w/ William Shatner: EZ-Mart Hostages vs. Woman with Rifle *Shoppers, redneck cops, & even the gun wielding psycho lady are all saved by a vigilante, female impersonator.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Bad Movie Beatdown: Just Go With It *An angry British guy takes a very anal (no Adam Sandler potty humor pun intended) look at another awful Adam Sandler effort. Just go with it. Lazy, uninspired filmmaking. Just go with it. Awful, horrible people celebrated. Just go with it. Rampant product placement inside the film. Just go with it. The very opposite of funny in a comedy. Just go with it. Movie studios and ticket purchasers paying for millions of dollars exotic vacation for Adam Sandler and his friends in place of an actual movie. Just go with it. And they go.* zero stars for the movie & 2 1/2 stars for the review

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Horror of Party Beach *"The day the mudskippers fought back."* 3 stars with riffing & running from close to 2 stars to close to 2 1/2 stars without riffing

A Haunting: A Haunting In Florida *Home ownership is hair-raising anxiety. Especially on sacred swampland once belonging to Native Americans.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

--- Beach MTV w/ Antonio Sabato, Jr. & Daisy Fuentes (1995):

*I used to have a teenage crush on Daisy.

*Antonio is wearing overalls and a wife beater. Douchebag attire.

*Before social media, everyone loved giving shout outs, especially from the beach.

*Stupid human tricks... First is a back-hand-spring, which is stupid, according to MTV, even though gymnastics takes a lot of talent, dedication, & training.

*Promo for the 1995 MTV Movie Awards hosted by Courtney Cox & Jon Lovitz (Odd couple there) with guests - A Baldwin (not Alec), Cindy Crawford, still a druggie & not an Iron Man Robert Downey Jr., Ice T & Chris Isaak, still an A-list actor Val Kilmer, and america's sweetheart of the time Alicia Silverstone. Performances by Boyz 2 Men, Blues Traveller, TLC & More...

*MTV is sponsored by Sunkist soda, a soda to drink outside, so they claim. Plus there's Eagle Snacks "What You Feed Your Face." (That sounds like a corporate slogan from the world of Mike Judge's Idiocracy).

*A Gen-X couple are on a jungle safari with Jolly Ranchers juicy candy and end up in a jolly rancher candy controlled temple

*"Drink in the waves! Ay! Drink everyone! huh!" A Sunkist commercial with beach party animals pounding 3 liter soda in the surf and dancing around with cases of Sunkist soda. If it was that popular, why is it so obscure now, and rarely seen on store shelves or on tv ads?

*An awesomely surreal Eagle chips ad where a guy scares off his hot date, because he has a creepy, chip munching face in his kitchen cabinets.

*Nothing says "fun in the sun" like a MTV artsy station logo reminder featuring a skeletal, black bird poking blood out of a still beating x-ray of a heart with white background.

*Next week MTV becomes MJTV as Michael Jackson takes over leading up to the premier of he and Janet's Scream video. Scream sucked, but they're also gonna show Thriller. Young ones don't get how big a deal Thriller was. They only played it on special days. There was no Youtube to go watch it on like any video ever. You could maybe own a VHS copy of it, but if you were just casually interested in seeing it, you had to wait.

*"You think you've heard it all? Listen to this!" Blockbuster is holding a sale for all their cd's for $11.99 or less. Even hot & new band Hootie and the Blowfish

*"What do you want?" "BROWNIES!" Duncan Hines "Hot Stuff" Pot sold separately.

*Visa, it's everywhere you want to be. Including the beautiful Pacific Coast Highway

*Arthouse ad for Nike & supposedly the Boys & Girls Club featuring Penny Hardaway's hoop dreams and struggles.

*A year after Kurt Cobain's suicide. Gen X can't mourn forever. So, here we are in South Beach, Miami. Woooooooooo! No more rainy Seattle

*Couples challenge... where a buff Guido (the type who'd get their own MTV show a decade later) guesses that a timid beach-babe looks up to Madonna (no duh! amirite, my sistaz?!) and they are pronounced "hot" by hooting admirers and get to "hook up."

*99 cent Batman Forever collectible glasses with carved images of Jim Carey's Riddler and other characters from the Summer blockbuster are available at McDonalds

*Bass Bomb 1-3 mix cd's from THUMP Records

*MTV News break... someday MSNBC news lady, Alison Stewart, talks about Eddie Vedder having to cancel a concert. Now she's pimping Hillary instead of Eddie

*Antonio & Daisy name drop how cool Dennis Hopper is for some reason. I agree. Can't imagine modern MTV personalities namedropping a badass actor over 40 much less 50

*It's also strange to look back at the era of MTV video disc jockeys. They've gone the way of the dinosaur. Maybe some other music channels still have them, but they're gone from basic cable music channels (which I still have). If you can call them music channels.

*Now, MTV is reality tv and MTV2 (which was supposed to take over as an all music channel when MTV began running mostly shows)... MTV2 is the Wayans Bros. & Martin Lawrence sitcom marathon station. Why this channel programs like this, and is able to survive, is beyond me

*Odd juxtaposition by MTV creative as we go to break with Ice Cube & Dr. Dre's hit song Natural Born Killers booming over images of beach hotties swimming underwater

*Launch Media interactive CD-Rom ad featuring a rip off of the rambling Aussie roadie from Wayne's World

*McDonald's superhero burger. It's what vigilantes obssessed with their parents' deaths eat while crying in their car after breaking a mugger's arm in three places

*Punk show 95, in Long Beach, featuring Sublime, among others, and a lazer light show. I didn't know punks liked that sort of shit. Thought it was only hippies.

*Six Flags Hurricane Harbor water park. I wonder if guys with fake Jamaican accents ever get tired of promoting the fun of whitebread families in vacation commercials

*Someone must have flipped the channel on this tape, because there's an ad for Dr. Katz. Man, I miss Penn as the voice of Comedy Central.

*TIMM, the interactive multi-media monitor for a computer. It even comes with a remote for dummies. Seems silly, but now there's netflix, hulu, xbox live, Twitch, all these apps we pretty much use on our tv in a similar fashion. TIMM might not have caught on, but the idea eventually would.

*One of the Friends (the one with the monkey) signs up for AT&T long distance savings and flirts, nervously, with the tele-services lady. Lame.

*John Madden is a wizard ogre who can make jocks' feet catch on fire if they don't use his foot fungus healing potion.

*A male hotbody contest followed by a Bryan Adams music video. MTV, barf inducing.

*MTV News Break talking about the upcoming Michael Jackson & Lisa Marie interview with Diane Sawyer. Strange days, indeed.

2 1/2 stars for Daisy, 1 1/2 stars for Antonio, 1 star for MTV, zero stars for those beach goers, and close to 3 stars for the goofy commercials

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Deadpit.com presents Retro Wrestling Night: WCW Beach Blast 1993 (a review) *Just two Kentucky guys talking about wrestling, while in a bedroom, just in their socks.* 2 stars or zero stars for the zero production values and shaky camcorder recording

Predator in Mortal Kombat X (2015) *Whoda thunk that a monster/alien from an 80s action movie would endure interest for two decades? While lesser creatures from the likes of Independence Day & Battlefield Earth reside in purgatory, this ugly son of a bitch creeps through the collective horror / sci fi fan subconscious. Collecting trophy skulls from popular video game characters, like Johnny Cage, and having horror fan dream-match battles versus Jason Vorhees.* 3 stars

"The Slayer" (1982) -uncut- *Edvard Munch paints a portrait of Freddy Krueger.* 3 stars

TV Carnage: Ouch Television My Brain Hurts *"3 weeks ago I was running for president. Now I'm on t.v. with a guy in a bug suit."* close to 3 stars

Red Letter Media presents Scientist Man Explains Terminator Genisys *Marky Mark escapes the ape planet and his tardis crashlands on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial during President Biff Tanner's 2017 inaugural speech. Meanwhile, in the crowd, Travis Bickle bumps into Morpheus who hands him the remote from Adam Sandler's movie Click. He uses it to pause the actors, on the set of Pineapple Express, in 2007(?), while they're having an existential high moment. Therefore, Rise of the Planet of the Apes never happens. Or does it? Yet? Or it already has...? maybe in another timeline.* 3 stars

--- Phone Losers:

*Church calls - Fart Demon: It was a fight for survival that broke out in revival.* close to 2 stars

*Disabled Postman: Inconvenienced by the impaired.* 2 1/2 stars

*Church prank calls - sex offenders: I'm required, by law, to tell you that I'll be there, on Sunday, in your house of worship, with my parole officer.* close to 3 stars

*Food Stamp Tacos: "Thank you for not making me any."* 2 1/2 stars

*Google streetview - There goes the neighborhood: concerns of the rich.* 2 stars

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WWF Summerslam pre-show (1989) *"A one way trip to the sun" featuring Hulkster, Tiny Lister, Macho Man, Scary Sherri, Brutus the Barber, Ravishing Rick, Andre the Giant, Ultimate Warrior, Bobby the Brain, and Mean Gene. Okay, Gene looks like he'd be a better barber than Brutus would.* 3 stars

--- Everything Is Terrible:

*God's muscle: Have you payed your protection money to the Lord or are you gonna sleep with the fishes?* close to 3 stars

*Join the military!: "I knew it was awesome, but not this awesome!"* 1 star

*Don't trust adults!: Especially the Zucchini Bros. Band.* 2 1/2 stars

*Let's get flairing!: Entertain drunks by juggling.* zero stars

*Bio-magnetic touch healing sensual rubdown: "When in doubt, just touch" the sensitive areas of naked men. "Aloha."* 3 stars

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"Super Mecha Kucha Happy Fun Monkey Bash DX Part 4" *If thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, dip it in wasabi and put it back in skull.* close to 3 stars

"Summer of Tears in American Gladiators" *A sketch comedy group splice themselves into a "classic" & cheesy, reality competition.* 3 stars

"Snog Marry Avoid" season 6 episode 3 *The fashion-nightmare spawn of Boy George meet a fascist, ice-queen robot in a wardrobe.* 2 stars

--- USA Up All Night w/ Rhonda Shear (1992): Summer School Teachers (1974)

*Rhonda is dressed up like a sexy cowgirl at L.A. niteclub Denim & Diamonds

*This is a country/western line dancing bar around the time that "Achy Breaky Heart" (barf) was popular.

*It's nice to see Rhonda twist her hips, though

*Rhonda flirts with some big hunky urban cowboy yuppies

*Rhonda jokingly says that Ross Perot is in Summer School Teachers

*Rhonda recommends football strategy to prevent pregnancy

*Another strong women of the 1970s sex comedy from Corman's New World Pictures.

1 star for the honky tonk 2 1/2 stars for the flick and 3 stars for Rhonda

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"Summer Beach House" (1980) ---xxx--- *The thing that stands out most in this flick is the dingy yellow color scheme. It's on everything from the walls, furniture, floral bed sheet pattern, lamp shades. Nightmarishly probably still in the never redecorated homes of cat ladies, everywhere, on Dead End St. USA. In the malaise of their nicotine stained reclusive lives, they'd pull back their gown to reveal, to a stranger, a frighteningly wiry figurative pussycat. Also, I wanna comment on old school lady massagers. So white and antiseptic. Like a suppository. Now, dildos are mostly medieval looking & hot pink.* between 1 1/2 & 2 stars

--- Joe Bob's Drive-In (1991): Fred Olen Ray's Beverly Hills Vamp (1989)

*Joe Bob pontificates on what it would have been like if Wilfred Brimley & Regis Philbin, among others, had discovered America

*Drive In Totals... 9 dead bodies.. 11 breasts..

*Jerry Lewis wannabe Eddie Deezen is on the menu for fanged vixens. Highlights: dripping with love for kitschy Hollywood. Priest, producer, secretary, and butler steal the show. Deezen sucks. Bauer seduces as usual. Britt Ecklund underused. Some scenes like with the convenience store lady & motel cleaning lady felt more like the joke was our time watching was being wasted instead of the scene being funny, like it was an injoke on the set (don't do that, Fred). Tim Conway Jr., talented somewhat.

2 1/2 stars for Joe Bob (TMC didn't give him enough time to talk) & running from 1 1/2 to between 2 & 2 1/2 stars for the flick

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--- Phone Losers:

Dead Lawn Hippies: "My free speech is no to your free speech. I'm a loose cannon and into being organic." close to 3 stars

Convenience Store Confessions: Fine line between anarchy and being an asshole for no reason.* close to zero stars

FedEx Box of Ticks: "I know no one in New Mexico and I didn't order a box full of ticks." 2 stars

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Gerhard Reinke's America: Gerhard Reinke in Sante Fe, New Mexico and Colorado *Riding the sky snake while with dry sinuses.* 3 stars

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