#“you're just anxious and depressed”
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Living through PTSD can be an overwhelming, frightening, isolating, and debilitating experience.
If you are experiencing PTSD, you may feel intensely fearful, jumpy, and on edge. You may have trouble sleeping and experience bad dreams. Your appetite may increase or decrease. You may stop wanting to be around your friends, lose trust in people you previously trusted, and start labelling people either “good” or “bad” in your head.
You may feel that your world has fallen apart, that everything is black, and that nothing makes sense. Worse still, you can often lose hope or the belief that you can recover and lead a worthwhile life.
#PTSD#gotta love them finally listening and diagnosing me#“you're just anxious and depressed”#cause you dumb ass mfs were giving me pills to combat something i didnt have#now after all these years of feeling fucking broken..#feeling like my medication wasn't working because there's something wrong with me#NOW i'm fucking depressed that i fucking wasted majority of my fucking life chasing the wrong fucking thing.#F u ck#i need this as a reminder that i'm not broken.#ignore me sorry
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Remember: The burning sensation is part of the process.
#Mouthwashing#blood#body horror#Emphasizing here that this is in reference to a media and character and not a cry for help on my end.#Mouthwashing is one of those games that tickles my brain and checks all the boxes for my niche interests -#-but it wasn't something that got the silly comic part in my cortex firing up. My analysis brain is eating well though!#What said...It is impossible for me to see this scene and not say out loud: “Me in the middle of my work day".#While there is a lot more going on with curly I personally resonated a lot with his struggles with burnout.#Burnout feels like mouthwash to me. That you keep rinsing out your mouth trying to get rid of the rotting smell#but it's just surface level solutions. The real cure requires something far more significant to actually make a difference.#The job 'is hard' and 'everyone struggles'. It's part of the process right? You're tired? Anxious? Depressed? Us too! Chin up!#Actually I resonated with a lot of things within Curly (this is a curly positive space - he's not perfect. He's just human).#One thing being his desire to see the good in people and believe in their potential.#Because here's the thing. Some people truly do just need someone in their corner who stands by them so they can grow and improve.#And some people will take advantage of your kindness. You focus so much on their humanity while you stop being a person to them.#The horrifically toxic relationship persists because Curly tries to see the bigger picture and believes in the good within.#Anyone who has lived through constantly trying to reframe the hurt as something else knows-#-just how many excuses your brain will make to avoid cognitive dissonance. It's human psychology.#Jimmy sucks so bad. But we the audience have the privilege of not having years of baggage associating him in our minds as 'friend'.
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Do you know a funny idea I had? Luigi, king penguin, the penguins and lumalee escaping from prison and defeating Bowser, I think they would be very capable of doing it without help XD
Ok, I take back everything I said about the penguins, I'd die for them all.
Bonus Post-Revolution cuddles:
#traditional art#luigi#king penguin looks so cozy😭#penguins mario movie#featuring that random Goomba prisoner bc why not#lumalee#god dammit lumalee#you're depressing the younger generation#cuddles#viva la resistance#thunderhand#my au#mario movie#just one anxious Italian with his 30+ penguin buddies...and a Goomba...and a Luma...#what could go wrong#i think that second pic might be my favorite piece everrr
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Hello i may post less on tumblr, you can follow my bluesky for more art and oc yapping https://bsky.app/profile/cyellolemon.bsky.social
The reason being that posting here makes me sad!!! Having less and less notes on my oc art makes me a bit depressed, i feel like most people here follow me for fanart, when i post 99% of ocs and i don't like that, so yeah i want to try caring about that less so im gonna post less. Bluesky art community is super supportive with ocs and made me enjoy posting art again so for now it's my main and i'll focus on it!
#sorry for the some people who actually like my oc art and don't have bluesky!#this year has been nothing but me being depressed by social medias (well not always for the same reasons)#but i don't want to leave tumblr like i did with twitter and ig#but also my ratio followers/notes is even worse here than it was on twitter#and i hate caring about it sm!! im very sorry for being like this!!#so yeah less tumblr for me for now#also please please if you follow me for fanart only you can just unfollow i don't mind!!#there is 99% of chance i never post the fandom you want ever again#(and if i do you'll see it on tags!!)#oh also since you can see it on the screen yeah i also have a 2nd bluesky account.....#if you're over 18 and want to follow do it but be normal please!! im pretty anxious about it lol#ok that's it thanku byye
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everything you see ab being the oldest daughter is true btw why am i the family therapist AND punching bag smh
long ass depressing rant in the tags srry i got a wee bit emotional
#my dad has something going on where there's a ringing in his ear my mom has tendonitis and neck pain now#and i feel for both of them i'm goin to cvs to get the meds giving my mom massages every night talking to my dad to distract him#they're both going to the correct doctors#but just throwing it out there i have had tendonitis and chronic upper back pain for 5-6 years and no one gave a shit most i've gotten is#jokes that i'm faking it#i'm in physical therapy for my back NOW but that's bc i finally crawled out of the depression long enough to do it myself#which is fine whatever i'm 22 i should be the one making my own appointments and it'd be weird if i wasn't#but when i was 16 or 17???#being hospitalized for STRESS HEADACHES at 14 too???#who gets hospitalized for that shit and how were my parents not concerned that i at the age of 14 was#so stressed out that my head was pounding all the time#and bc i'm the third parent who has to be the only emotional safe space#i don't say anything if my sisters are rude to me bc at least they feel safe enough around me to be rude to me#i have to listen to everyone and their momma's problems#i'm in law school!!! i do not need this i'm anxious all the time!!!#and if i'm not anxious i'm depressed!!!#my therapist point blank tells me shit like 'you're incredibly lonely' or 'you have way too much on your shoulders' and it makes me CRY#the most basic fucking observations that i KNOW but hearing someone else acknowledge it and not berate me fucking sends me into TEARS#i get messages from online friends here like 'hey i saw your post you don't deserve that' i physically cannot keep my eyes dry!!#every time i have any interaction ever i am at least a little uncomfortable bc i am always trying so hard to make sure i come off as kind#and not awkward or mean#i feel like everyone around me was given some kind of how to manual on life that i wasn't#and i KNOW this is not unique tons and tons of people feel like this#i know this is the depression and the anxiety and the possible autism i'm well aware#but then every couple of days my mom gets the brilliant idea to tell me i'm rude or lazy or whatever and i lose my shit#i just wanna sleep and write fanfics in the nicest way possible i hate everyone#i will try my best to not be mean to anyone bc no one deserves it but i am angry and i am constantly feeling the hurt of my inner child#my MOTHER threw a hardcover book at my HEAD when i was ten bc i had been reading and hid the book under the pillow#what the actual fuck????#my dad's response to any and everything is to deal with it
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... I'm not actually gonna put anything in this caption
#BUT THE TAGS ARE A WHOLE OTHER STORY BABEEEYYY#AHHHHHHHH#JSHSHDKSKHSVDBDNDBGGRRRRRBARKBARKBARKBARKARFARFARF#GDHJSJDH#LOOK AT HIM DUMB FACE#stupid stupid stupid#he's so. AAAHHHH#also the little pinky thing is cute. and also something i do#just. just his hands#ya know?#i just know he's like. the ideal guy to hild hands with. ue probably does that little comforting thumb thing#ya know the one. when you're just laying together holding hands and they rub their thumb on the back of your hand#oh and he always does a little hand squeeze as a check in if he thinks ya might be stressing (whether it be when you're out and anxious)#(or maybe just when he thinks something is on your mind)#god. fuck#he's comfort personified. had to go through depression to get there though. like the best of us#it's late rn so ignore my typos#pls#teehee. now the fun tags since I've created enough space from the front.#this man... oh. okay. um. ehe. he's a giver for sure#like. ya know. um. actually I'm too shy to say the rest of that#ehe.#he just seems the type who loves to [REDACTED]#I wanna say cuddles would be necessary afterwards but i also think he runs hot so he'd probably feel gross and sticky#so he'd either immediately shower after or just flop down dead because he's an old man (lovingly jokingly)#ya know? uh. yeah. okay#rant over for tonight
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I think it's a hatecrime against me that there aren't any slugs as big as the giant African snail. Why do the snails get to have all the fun I just want a giant slime noodle.
#I don't want to keep a snail as a pet because theyre kinda prone to shell injuries#and then they die. id be in a constant state of stress#i can't have tarantulas even though i really want to for the same reason - spiders molt and they can actually fuck up#and they fuck up kinda frequently. and if they fuck up they die#because they either tear off their organs in an attempt to free themselves or they essentially turn themselves to stone#or they suffocate. i know that I'd be extremely stressed every da#id be like 'what if it happens what if they fuck up molting i have to stand here on guard in case they start molting and mess up'#because sometimes if you're really fucking lucky you CAN manage to save them. but you have to#be there on time and you have to pray. because its much easier for you to kill them than save them#and i would never forgive myself for that#in general it's very stressful for me to keep pets who don't have very clear signals of joy and displeasure/pain because i#constantly worry about possibly taking bad care of them and them being unhappy#i loved my hamster but i did breathe a breath of relief when she died of old age because every day with her was just#so unbelievably stressful for me. i wouldn't help but be preoccupied with trying to figure out if i was doing something incorrectly#if i was a bad foster parent to her if she was content etc etc#she was a great hamster but the experience was very much 0/10 for me i would never own a hamster again#in the same vein i probably couldn't have a tarantula due to this as well.#plus tbh I didn't even want a hamster my parents got her for me because they wanted me to feel obligated not to kill myself#they said that if i killed myself they wouldn't care for her and she'd die so i had to stay alive.#a part of me knew they were bullshitting but it still freaked me out super hard and made me unimaginably anxious about#getting run over or anything happening to me and paradoxically that made me even more suicidal and depressed#didn't help that my mother didn't even believe in her own plan and accused me of planning to kill myself AND my hamster#she accused me of that several times. I've always had a lot of intrusive thoughts about hurting animals so it#made me break down and self harm every time. obviously that made my mother even angrier and many a time it led to#her accusing me of being a danger to her and others#if she felt particularly hysterical she screamed i was just like my father and that she feared me as much as she had feared him#when he still had a gun. you can imagine how that made me feel considering i jsed to have nightly night terrors about my father#killing my mother.
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me banning myself from going to bed until i write a work email apparently means i'm awake until 3am. cool.
#ooc post !#listen sometimes you just get really shitty emails and don't know how to respond#or how to say ''you're being a fucking problem'' in a work appropriate way#but seriously i do not think it's such a hard ask to talk on the phone once and not just email#it's been a year and i can count the number of times i've spoken to my coworkers out loud on one hand#that's fucking insane#anyway i'm depressed i'm anxious i'm mad and i'm gonna try to sleep even though ik i won't be able to!#negativity tw
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Vader senses the Anxiety of an Anxious Person
So, I was at Hollywood Studios in Disney World on July 21st, and I did some character photos with Chewie, Darth Vader, Frozone, Edna Mode. The most hilarious interaction was with Vader.
As in the title, Vader mentions he “senses high levels of anxiety” coming from me, and my immediate first thought was “that’s because I have anxiety”
And me being me, I had an absolute blast with that. Like, thinking “you sense the anxiety of an anxious person, congrats! Would you like a gold star?!” And it obviously still amuses me.
After mentioning that, he asks if I was hiding a rebel informant. I wasn’t (in fact, my brain said “Hah! I AM the rebel informant”) and that it would be a shame if they found something that would bring me back into suspicion (lol, why give the anxious person more anxiety? something else could be happening right under your nose and you’d be none the wiser, because all your efforts go to the one with anxiety.)
Sorry not sorry. This was way too much fun.
editing in tags for people whom I think might enjoy this: @a-lil-perspective @arwenkenobi48 @caddy-crystal-queen @zoeykallus @tchatso @s1st3r @pro-fangirls-unsocial-life @halzore @rainydaydream-gal18 @haloangel391
#vader senses the anxiety#like dude#i have anxiety#give vader a gold star for sensing the anxiety of an an anxious person#i have generalized anxiety#your efforts were wasted vader#try going past the anxiety#and the depression that you will most likely encounter#but only if you're brave enough#gotta get past a lot of depression demons#earworms#random thoughts#noises#you might just want to save your sanity vader#go bug someone else
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at least now i've gone through an important tumblr rite of passage, watching a longtime mutual become a radfem :/
#the thing that really got me was that they were talking about their morality ocd triggering them about it#bc of the way tumblr and the internet in general has this black and white approach to things#and one of those i guess was 'transphobes = bad' which like. is not what i'm ever talking about when i say that things have more nuance#that said i DO think that the way this website prioritizing hating terfs over supporting trans people is kinda gross#but anyway this person was so anxious about it and it just was depressing bc i related to that#they were SO afraid of losing friends or being cancelled over it and i was just like damn i wonder if all terfs are that miserable#but they acted like they just had no choice but to believe this 'thing' that they constantly alluded to but never talked outright about#which i am pretty sure now is just that they're a radfem or at least believe in a lot of radfem ideologies#and honestly? i go back and forth between genuinely feeling so bad for them and being like well that's what you fucking get#i wish i'd had the courage to talk to them about it but whenever i thought about it i got immeasurable anxiety#sorry for the very long tag ramble i just haven't been able to talk about this and it's been eating ME up too for a long time#i just feel horrible. i know in the past they've mentioned too how they want people to tell them why if they unfollow/block them#but i can't. i cannot. and then i'm afraid of just feeding into their victim complex by doing this#i just can't win. and it's like. i'm trans i am literally affected by their bigotry that they're acting like is just not even a choice#ALSO I REMEMBER HOW THEY MADE A POST ONCE ABOUT HOW PEOPLE IRL DON'T TALK ABOUT TRANS STUFF#LIEK IDK WHAT PLANET YOU ARE LIVING ON MY DUDE BUT I HAVE LIKE 5 TRANS COWORKERS AND EVERYONE IS VERY NORMAL ABOUT THEM#like maybe YOU live in a bad area#but you're just a really loud minority#anyway. yeah. just. oof.#still feeling some kind of anxiety about it#win rambles
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i was so happy doing that horticulture training in 2021. I was so optimistic about finding fulfilling working in a nursery, or gardening, or even working in a more research/conservation kind of role.
and then it ended and no one, not even industry veterans, could tell me where to go from there. Job listings overwhelmingly require that you already be experienced. Entry level positions are typically for physically intensive work like landscaping (not what I want). If you try to cold call potential employers they're only interested if you know someone else in the industry (and preferably someone the employer personally knows).
To make things even worse, people can't even tell me what sorts of keywords to use when searching. Looking under generic titles only goes so far.
#just feeling hopeless rn :/#idk what to do#and it's a vicious cycle because you're not exactly functioning at the best of your ability when you're depressed and hopeless#so now im anxious about missing opportunities because i feel so shit all the time#skip talks
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save yourself i'll hold them back makes me feel emotions previously only known by shrimp
#YOU'RE THE BROKEN GLASS IN THE MORNING LIGHT#BE A BURNING STAR IF IT TAKES ALL NIGHT#listened to this at 2am last night while incredibly anxious and it hit differently than it ever has before.#and it was already my favorite song on the album#NOT A VICTIM OF A VICTIM'S LIFE#i view it like i'm both parts of the equation#the person that needs to be saved and the person doing the saving#because when i get in a depressive state i know exactly what the hell's happening but i'm powerless to stop it#or. it feels that way. and i know i can't make it go away entirely but i can make it better#or more comfortable for myself or shorter or just better in general. at least sometimes#so.#can you save yourself tonight?#YOU MOTHERFUCKER#i'm resisting the urge to type out more lines because pretty soon i'll have the entire song#but. i don't know. it just means a lot to me#can you save yourself tonight?????
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bro I'm not doing good I need to have some shivering isles thoughts about it or something
#remember like a few months ago when i was like 'i think i might not have depression anymore! i need to reacclimate myself to this normal!!'#haha. point and laugh#anyway I hope it's just a short circumstantial episode but I'm having a Bad time#very anxious. convinced everyone I've ever spoken to is mad at me and I deserve it. backsliding bad into my shitty old habits. and now#the hopelessness has hit. guest of honour style. you're so right beside this Is all anything will ever be!!#and i literally just realised as I'm typing that I'm doing the dissociating in a bathroom bit.certain the world doesn't exist past the door#fuck's sake#ok I'm going to go to bed and hope my crossed wiring straightens out by morning#if you read this. don't. that's embarrassing. but also no-one will read this because the world past the bathroom door is gone#you're not real#but seriously ignore me. I'm just having a mental illness moment. shit's cyclical and it will pass#hopefully sooner rather than later#anyway. byw
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It's immoral to call people having no strength to "care enough" about at least 3 causes immoral. Wtf.
I am actually begging some people to just let some spaces exist untouched by real-world issues and horrors.
Like I've lost count of the amount of times peaceful game or fandom servers have been ruined by people stampeding in with political rants, bitching about world issues, demanding internal activism, demanding vent channels so they can whine about their shitty parents, ect.
Like. Respectfully. Not every single space has to be inclusive of and welcoming of outside topics. The real world sucks. We don't needed to be reminded of that absolutely everywhere.
#I can barely scrape myself from the floor most days#me being a dumbass on tumblr for 20 m is not me avoiding the real world problems while burgeoning with vitality and mental health I'm savin#by not caring about anything “seriously”#it's me saving those last 2 braincells that can still feel anything except existential dread and depression#and I can tell you that killing them with even more existential dread just to prove I'm morally irreproachable will not help a single cause#you don't have to be depressed and anxious all the fucking time just to show you're doing enough for a cause wtf#why are we importing toxic work culture into our online or real life activism#discourse
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best thing about my psyche ward experience was telling the aprn that the reason i checked myself in was because of the invisible people trying to get me to kill myself and the look of fear in her eyes lmfao
#connor.txt#when you're not just depressed and/or anxious the desire to help you goes down#immensely lmfao#i'm very better about it but i got to go home to my cat so that's all i care about
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Remember guys, your friends are cool with you raging against CEOs and corporations as long as it isn't when you speak out against generative AI! Then you're the problem and can't take a joke!
#vent#“you're going to be angry all the time and its going to negatively affect your mental health”#i'm already depressed and anxious. whats “bitter and angry at the world” to me but a seasoning to the spice of life?#people like me rage against the machine so people like them don't have to and thats fine thats the point#but don't tell the people wanting the world to change to just accept it#“judging by how things are going”#the intrusive thought says to leave the server until the palworld bs is over#but thats the demons talking. the same ones who tell me my friends would be better off without me#i ain't letting them win again
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