#“you don't need me to protect you anymore”

[pearlymel]

REASSURANCE

Synopsis. Caleb wants to make sure that you can rely on him, and only him.

Warnings. NSFW, smut, fem reader, obsessive Caleb, fluff, angst, yandere caleb(?), fingering, unprotected, kinda rough, first time sex, 3k ish words.

notes. Caleb's myth just dropped wtf I need him (yeah I'm a Caleb fucker now :p)

Wearing a bell so that you wouldn't escape in your injured state…

Did you hear that right?

No, is he hearing himself?

“what the hell are you spouting?”

Oh, he's heard himself just fine. Heard it inside his head for years. Just as he's heard the excuses you make every time you try to slip away, as if he can't see through them. "I think you heard what I said, pipsquick. Just didn't get it through that pretty head of yours."

He squeezes your ankle lightly, many times you tried pulling away from, but his Evol makes sure you stay. Afraid he might snap it, you freeze. He could.

"Caleb," you try again, this time using that sweet sweet method. calling him using the softest voice.

And the tone almost works. Almost.

"I'm getting tired, and it barely hurts anymore, you can leave me alone." you try convincing him, to get past him.

But nothing ever gets past him, no?

He's always had a hard time telling you no anyways, and he's tempted to give in again. Still, his gaze is hard; he knows you're just biding your time again.

You get a passing grade, though. Not many people could distract him when he's like this...and the tone you use is so terribly effective.

"leave you alone? After you're hurt? Cute. No." But he's still in that mood, so he continues, "keep still. I'm going to clean the wound.”

You grit your teeth together, that method is slowly becoming useless on him.

You comply, for now. doesn't mean you won't struggle later.

Caleb's lip raises slightly, Good. Be quiet a little longer.

He takes your compliance as his win, a faint smirk barely visible on his face as you finally stop resisting. Of course he knows you're just doing it to avoid fighting him at this moment, but he'll take what he can get.

“… Did you mean it?” you break the silence, and he glances up at you with a brow slightly arched.

“putting on.. The bell.” you continue.

"Oh, you mean the collar?"

His hands still for a few seconds, he's not used to you asking about things like this; even at the mention of it, his mind drifts to how you might look wearing it.

"Why? Are you… into that kind of thing?" His voice takes a lower turn, slightly too eager; and your eyes widen a fraction.

“No.” The answer is immediate, you would never put yourself in a situation where it would get… Humiliating.

“Shame.” Caleb scoffs out a chuckle while shaking his head, you're so proper, aren't you? Always proper, polite, kind. A good girl.

So proper, but you're here right now, injured, and on the sofa in his apartment, no less. That innocence is something he'll treasure, but that doesn't stop him from wanting to find ways to defile your purity.

Sick and humiliating...that's how you see it.

He finishes with your leg, then reaches for your chin, tilting your face forward to look at him.

"Let me ask you something first. Honesty, okay?”

You don't answer.

He raises your chin just a little higher, forcing you to meet his gaze.

"No more trying to escape. Do you understand?”

But you shake your head.

His grip tightens just a little bit when you refuse, irritation flaring up. Of course you don't want to understand.

He sighs, restraining the dark emotions bubbling in his chest, forcing his grip to soften again.

"Of course you don't." His hand leaves your chin, his touch moving to the side of your face, his fingers running down along your skin. Soft and warm, and so painfully easy to break.

“let me out,” It almost sounds like a whine from you, and it makes his blood burn.

His hand slides down to your hand, interlocking your fingers together, “No.” his answer is clear, firm.

“I don't need you!” you hiss out through gritted teeth. “Oh, you need me. Don't you get it? I'm the only one who can protect you.” his tone almost sounds crazed.

You scoff, “you're crazy.”

Caleb's cheek brushes against the back of your hand, and a smile graces his face at your words.

You call him crazy, as if your entire existence isn't enough to drive him to madness.

"I am crazy, yeah," he breathes out, a kiss on the back of your hand follows after, "Just for you. I'm so crazy for you.”

“Caleb!” you raise your voice, shaking his shoulder with your free hand, as if trying to knock some sense into him.

“Stop yelling.”

“or what?”

You always do this, and he's getting tired of it.

“or what?” He mocks you, “Don't test me.”

You freezes once more, almost in disbelief at his words.

Your childhood friend is not in his right mind, you know it. You've known each other since forever. Been together since forever.

His hand moves to your neck, his thumb lightly stroking the skin there.

“I won't escape.” his gaze snaps to your face as you speak again, “just.. Just let me out for now, Caleb.”

His gaze then drops to your neck, watching the way his thumb brushes over your skin.

It feels so fragile, so delicate. He's suddenly reminded of how easy it would be for him to wrap his hand around your throat and—Stop it.

He shakes the thought away, forcing himself to focus on your face again. Your words, your tone; they sound like a promise. Something he's waiting for you to actually keep.

"Do you actually mean it this time? Or is this another promise you're going to break?”

“I mean it,”

His instincts are telling him you're lying to get his guard down; you've tried it before, many times.

“Caleb…?”

He's not having it.

Every time you've promised to stay, and you ran off.

Every time you said you'd be careful, and you put yourself in danger.

Every time you said you'd listen, and you deliberately crossed the line to frustrate him.

He's sick and tired of it. Sick and tired of all of it.

Don't you understand? He just wants to keep you safe. With him.

He's just staring at you, his emotions a chaotic mess. He can see the look on your face, the way you avoid looking at him.

It makes his heart ache. Having reached this point where trust is on the line, where you both don't trust each other anymore.

He's done this. He's hurt you.

His throat feels tight and constricted, and he can't help but ask, "you... you really hate me, do you?”

When you're unable to answer him, his face falls. You hate what he has become, but you don't hate Caleb himself. No, never.

He's always known who he is, but this...he's never hated himself as much as he does right now.

"Maybe I shouldn't have come back," he murmurs, the words almost too quiet to hear. Although you catch on the words quickly.

“nonsense.” you shake your head, “I’m…” you pause, “I'm sorry if I hurted you with my words, please don't leave.”

You're apologizing to him. And it tears him up even apart.

You're all that I have left, you think.

…

Even in the vast emptiness of the apartment, he still feels lonely, he still misses your presence.

He's been alone in the living room for an hour now, and he's restless. His thoughts keep going back to you, he keeps thinking about you behind the closed door of the bedroom (where he carried you to, where you're currently resting), and he can't just sit still.

He can't get the image of you out of his head, and the fact that you're so damn close but yet so far away is driving him insane.

He knows he should just let it go, let you be mad, upset at him if that's going to keep you.

He approaches the door and stops for a moment, his hand resting on the handle.

He can hear the faint sound of you moving around in there, the sound of bed sheets rustling, and he knows you're in his room, his bed.

It's weird, knowing you're avoiding him but seeking comfort in his room, but he can't help but find it a little endearing at the same time.

He feels like it's a mistake to enter the room without knocking first, but he needed to see you now. Needed to know if you were doing okay.

And there he was met by the sight of you. his bed, his pillow, his blanket, and you're just there, buried under the covers, and he can just feel the urge to join you.

He steps inside, closing the door behind him, and he just stands there for a moment.

You call out to him in a low tone, “Caleb…?”

"Yeah?" He responds, taking a few more steps towards the bed, the covers covering most of your form, but he can still see your face peeking out.

“What's wrong?”

He sits down on the edge of the bed, the mattress shifting slightly under his weight. He looks down at you, his gaze soft as he speaks.

"Nothing's wrong."

He's lying.

He's here because he can't stop thinking about you, he's here because he needs to see you, he's here because he needs to be close to you.

You feel even sleepier when he touches you, running his hand through your hair, his fingers gently stroking your scalp, and he can feel the way you lean into him, seeking more.

He wants more too. It reminds you of so many nights when you both were teenagers, when you would struggle to sleep, or when you needed some comfort after failing an exam. And he would promise to teach you the subject, even if he had to learn it all.

“I’m sorry about… earlier.” he starts, leaning in to press a kiss on your forehead. “i didn’t mean to scare you.” he adds. I just want to be the one you would lean onto, the one you would rely on to protect you.

You're silent again, half asleep, the sight is quite adorable, the gentle presses and caresses on your head doesn't stop.

“hey, pipsquick,”

You almost smile at the familiar nickname.

“honey?”

Your eyes now fully opened as he grabbed your attention.

You both are really no longer kids…

…

You feel heat rush through your neck, to your ears, is this even okay? Crossing that invisible line?

“Caleb—ah—slow down,” his lips finds yours again, everywhere his lips can reach, until you're relaxed enough underneath him.

All while his fingers continue to curl deep into that spongy spot deep inside your tight hole, his palm never forgetting to press into your swollen bundle of nerves that already has you rolling your eyes back.

His other hand slides up your body to cup your breast, kneading the soft mound, teasing your nipple until it peaks into a hard, aching bud. And Caleb watches your every reaction, how your jaw hangs open as he rolls it between his fingers, pinching and tugging until your back arches off the mattress.

Caleb knows he should slow down, should give you a moment to catch your breath, to come down from the heights of pleasure he's brought you to. But he can't, not when he knows he's the one making you feel like this, all for him. Your first and last.

“p-please enough, just—just put it in,”

Your plea doesn't go unheard by him, “Oh, my sweet girl.” he purrs as he reaches down to undo his pants, the sound of his zipper descending seeming obscenely loud in the silence of the room.

He pulls out his cock, and your eyes widen at the sight of it, a gasp escaping your kiss-swollen lips. He's… huge.

the thick shaft throbbing and hard, the tip already glistening with the drops of pre-cum. Caleb wraps a hand around himself, stroking slowly, his thumb swiping and rubbing over the leaking slit.

Fuck, he's hot.

Upon sensing the nervousness creeping in, he reaches up to cup your cheek, his thumb brushing over your bottom lip. "I know it's a lot to take in, but don't worry. I'll be gentle... at first.” he whispers the last part, and you don't think you quite caught on.

He takes your hand and guides it to his cock, wrapping your fingers around his thick shaft, showing you how to stroke him, how to feel every pulsing inch of him. "Get a good grip, sweetheart," he instructs, he starts to move your hand up and down his length. "Squeeze me just like that, sweets. Yeah, fuck..." He throws his head back with a low groan as your fingers tighten around him, his hips rocking into your touch.

With his other hand, he reaches down to your thigh, lifting your leg up to wrap around his waist, opening you up to him.

“up, up, there we go,” you lift your hips as told, and your hand freezes when he starts pushing in your entrance, your hands scratching at his chest panickingly.

“breathe,” he murmurs, leaning to kiss your shut eyelids while he rubs your thigh comfortingly until he buries himself to the hilt.

his hips starts to move after giving you a moment to adjust, not withdrawing completely, but rolling and rocking against you, stirring himself inside your clutching cunt.

“Caleb..” you whine, bringing him closer as you wrap your arms around him, "Shh, it's okay, baby. I've got you," he murmurs against your lips, his hand coming up to stroke your hair, to cup your face tenderly. "I know it hurts, but I promise, it will feel so much better soon.”

Caleb starts to move again, his thrusts still slow and careful. He can feel your body starting to relax, "you're doing so well," he praises, and you start to rock your hips against his, meeting his thrusts with your own.

"Such a good girl, taking your first cock like a pro.” he teases, and you huff, feeling your face heat up.

He takes your hand into his, intertwining your fingers together while picking up the pace as leans down to capture your lips in a searing kiss, swallowing your moans, his tongue delving to tangle with yours.

he starts snaps his hips faster, driving into you with hard, deep thrusts that's having the headboard slamming against the wall. Until both of you are moaning and whimpering desperately.

His other hand grips your hip, holding you in place as he fucks into you with wild abandon, chasing his own release even as he demands yours. “haaah, I'm so close,” he pants against your lips, his hips jerking erratically as he feels his balls tightening, his shaft pulsing inside you. “let's cum together, please honey,”

Your walls spasm around his cock, gripping him like a vice as your orgasm rips through you, leaving you trembling and gasping. The feeling of your pussy clamping down on him, milking his shaft, is too much for Caleb to bear. With a whimper of your name, he buries himself to the hilt, his cock pulsing and jerking as he starts to come hard, flooding spurt after spurt of his hot, thick cum.

his weight pressing you into the mattress as he grinds his hips against yours, working his cock inside you, making sure every last drop of his cum does not go to waste.

He can feel the warm, sticky fluid starting to seep out around his shaft, dripping down to soak the sheets beneath you.

Then, silence. Accompanied by both your heavy breathings.

…

He's holding you in his arms, your body molded to his, and for a moment, the world feels like it's at peace. Caleb is whispering sweet nothings into your ear, his lips brushing against your skin, his hands stroking your hair. His voice is soft, gentle, and he's holding you like you're the most precious thing in the world.

“I'm sleepy,”

He rubs your back gently, his hand moving in slow circles, and he can feel the way you melt even more against him, "you can sleep. I'm here.”

[yuzuia]

── ✦ TO FEEL ONCE MORE

sypn. nightmares never come easy for caleb, though the pain eases through you. tags. caleb x f!reader (implied thru usage of meimei), hurt/comfort, for calebs myth drop!!!, not proofred, might be a little ooc, meimei doesn't always mean siblings ok :( wc. ~1k ✦ reblogs are very very very appreciated!!!

"don't go," his calloused hand yearns to hold yours, ghosting over soft skin and pulling away in the moment - you watch as his eyelids clench in agony and his chest heaves. "i'm not going anywhere," your words are bitter medicine; he can't tell if it'd heal the wounded cleave in his chest or pluck the harp of his heartstrings.

it's been far too long since he knew the feeling of your warmth - long nights spent waiting under the covers of his bed for your hallucination to kiss him to sleep, to only find the other side of his bed cold in the morning. abhorrent dreams would plague his conscience day after day; the feeling of you slipping just past his fingers, too liquid to grab and too real to life, was another of those experiences he couldn't relive. 

steadfast, you twine your hand with his - scarred and cold - and trace stars across his numb skin like he were the universe. 

caleb rouses, his skin bathed in milky moonlight, and envelopes the tips of your deft fingers into his warmly cold ones in an uncertain mimic of a kiss. the cold of his skin soaked into your warmth, a touch only you could feel - he stared at the moment that was his, and not his. the air smelt of unknown stars, his citrus-like ambroxide cologne, and secret unexplained intimacy left to guess. "you didn't leave." a laugh left your lips; you numbly shook your head as you sweep back his bangs, his brows furrowed.

"why would i? it's always been me and caleb since the very start," his gaze drinks in the sight of you. there and real, smiling like he was the sun. "yeah, and it'll stay that way." 'forever, until we both depart the edges of this place.' he swallows his words like a pill.

caleb throws an arm around the spanse of your shoulders, the friendship you've both tended to. another clutches to the curve of your waist, the innate need for each other. 

"does this always happen to you? does sleeping cause you pain, caleb?" 

"no, don't worry your head about that." he shakes his head and throws you an effortless smile - he couldn't possibly hope to tell you, nor would he dare. his meimei needn't worry about his struggles and nights of agony, his meimei should laugh and smile everyday. to entrust his weakness to your heart; the heart of the person who needed his constant protection whenever danger knocked the crevices of your mind: was an untouched, tethered idea eaten away. "it's fine, as long as you're with me."

the sun relies only itself: nothing can anchor its burden, not even the moon. it struggles eternally so, and no one's a witness - no one can be a witness.

"i'm not a little kid anymore caleb, i don't need you to protect me from the truth. just, let me help you for once." you held that defiant gaze from all those years ago, and his heart aches in synchronisation. his lips part to speak nothing - it was an argument he couldn't win. a match to a fire. 

the offer to be selfish tempted him more than he'd admit - to finally take all he ever wanted in this life, you, liquified all his rationality. he'll think about his regrets and lay the truth out for you later.

"then, let me have this." his face inches closer, step by step, but never reaches your lips - hesitancy threatens bubbles over the surface though longing strives further than he could grasp and pull back.

underneath the covers of watery starlight, this moment would be left on the floor and unspoken of; close to the heart but never close enough to the tongue. yearning paints his face, eyes that beg for love meet yours in a silent plea.

it's warm.

it's warm as a kiss gingerly presses itself against the corner of your mouth and pulls away reluctantly, like a child that wants more than it can have. you silently stare as he looks away, the tips of his ears flushed a hue of strawberry, a hue of weakness. you've never realised the vulnerability of the moment - tenderly soft and delicately sweet as caleb's hand smudges off the kiss he planted, his eyes brimming of a dream satiated. tentatively, your hands tug at the hem of his shirt and draw him closer; brushing your lips against the apple of his cheek.

within the afterglow of this delicate memory, you both cast all titles aside and live as one - for tonight, his dreams will kiss his soul; for you are present.

© YUZUIA 2025. plagiarising, feeding to ai, and/or translating is prohibited.

[fancyfeathers]

Hope you don't mind me asking but could we maybe get some more on Bruce and his darling? Like how it was for her to adjust to the Capitol especially since she was the first!

I love this au so much and everything you've written for it so far is amazing!!

Yandere!Batfam Hunger Games AU

So, in this AU Martha and Thomas never were killed, they were game makers from a wealthy and well-known family in the Capitol. His darling was in the games, some girl from District Five around his age. He remembers watching the reaping with his parents and his mother made the joke that maybe if she won then she would make a suitable wife for their son one day, after all she a polite little girl, her hair all done in pigtails and her little purple dress that the girl's mother had dressed her in. Bruce is probably in his last year at The Academy, so he does need to start thinking about his future which includes who he will marry. The Capitol girls are cruel, especially ones he attends classes with, he certainly would not someone like that to be the mother of his children, but a shy girl from District Five who hides behind the boy from her district.

He becomes enamored with her when his parents bring him to the tributes' ranking and she looks absolutely terrified as the game makers stare her down. She is not a good fighter, but she is quick, climbing up the nets and onto the scaffolding on the ceiling, quick like a squirrel, she is not deadly, but she is able to get out the way quickly. Her skills earned her a six, right in the middle, she was not a threat. But the way he looked at her as she hung from the ceiling, he found himself enamored with her.

His darling's games were brutal, she only survived because of her district partner protecting her and killing himself in the end. She was not a Capitol favorite, so she had no sponsors, but Thomas did send mutts to kill the District One boy who had cornered her when she was alone, just a little nudge in the right direction. At the end of the games, she is bloody and bruised, spending a few days getting patched up and made to look all pretty again, but after all that her fate is revealed to her, she is engaged to some game makers' son and she is going to stay with their family until he is done with university and then they are going to get married.

They spend years in each other's company until they get married and while she cannot stand him, he is better than the alternative that has been presented to her, what happened to Finnick or Cashmere in the books. He is kind to her and she does get a semblance of her own autonomy, she is not followed around by guards or cameras all the time, she is withdrawn from most of the Capitol and her fans, she gets to choose her own clothing. Though she can never leave her fiancé without consequences.

But after the wedding, she is the center of attention since Bruce is taking over his parents' jobs as game makers and she is his wife who was a victor in the games. So whenever he gets interviewed about the games, she is always sitting right by his side, all dressed up, no longer having anymore choices over her life. He takes her to all the expensive parties he has so go to, seeing all the people living in excess, the food, the clothes, the drinks, the music, it is all too much for her. There have been times where she had to excuse herself from parties, begging Bruce to take her home because she cannot stand another person who looks like some freak with their insane makeup and clothes asking her about her games, which she still has nightmares about.

After a number of years of dealing with the Capitol, she just stops, she gets a distant look in her eyes as she sits in the arm chair in the corner of her husband's office, staring out the window as he works. She rarely talks and it is a struggle to get her to eat, public appearances are off the table for her now given her current behavior. She just breaks, completely shuts down, not even being able to be a mentor for the games any longer because if she sees another kid die she might as well kill herself.

[artfulacrostic]

okay, do you want to know too much about st. yves, aka the guy in the litany that appears via matt's narration twice in ddba ep 6? well me and my childhood catholic education are here for you, but let me just say they hit the nail on the head with that one.

first of all: st. yves is the catholic patron saint of lawyers and the law in general (barristers, solicitors, jurists, etc). he was basically well known for fairly upholding the standards of the law, including refusing to accept bribes after he eventually because the middle ages version of a judge, and his big thing was all about helping and protecting the poor and the oppressed, especially widows and children. he was so into charity that he is usually shown with a bag of money to give away in one hand and the symbol of the law/judges in the other (some kind of scroll), or shown as mediating between a rich man and a poor man.

it's super clear to me and probably you by this point why st. yves is a saint that matt would feel a particular connection with. it's a no brainer. the actual prayer he is praying is a snippet from the end of the litany of st. yves. a litany, in case you're wondering, is a kind of prayer usually formatted as a petition, and there are (i think, don't fail me now brain) five that are actually approved as public litanies that can be prayed at mass, while there are a bunch of other private litanies that you might do on your own or at home, with a bit less emphasis on the call and response format that is so big on the public ones like the litany of the saints.

a litany like the litany of st. yves is usually designed to call for that particular saint's intercession, aka to get them to put in a good word for you to god, since they are basically in the top tier of souls who are in good standing up in heaven. so while the saint themself can't do much, they can be like "yo i think my man matt could use some mojo would you mind giving that a look please?" and god is more likely to bestow some grace upon the person and their prayer intentions.

what's fascinating about the litany of st. yves is that in using it to pray for st. yves' intercession and help with the things that are being listed in the petition, matt isn't just asking for justice (although he is). the section he prays onscreen: "O God, from whom cometh all that is right and just, Thou didst establish Saint Yves as a judge in the midst of his brethren, making him the friend and advocate of the poor. Do Thou make us, by his intercession, steadfast in the pursuit of justice and confident in Thy merciful goodness. Through Christ our Lord. Amen."

great, easy to see why matt relates to the desire to be a friend and advocate to the poor, why he wants to be made steadfast in the pursuit of justice, and why he wants to renew his confidence in god's mercy and goodness. great. nice and clear.

but.

if you're a big daredevil person, you know matt's faith and his willingness to go beat the shit out of evil people in the dead of night are deeply intertwined.

included in the actual petition portion of the litany of st. yves:

"Saint-Yves, devoted to penitence, pray for us."

gee, i wonder what matt feels guilty about that he feels the need to repent for.

"Saint Yves, friend of young people, pray for us. Saint Yves, companion of adolescents, pray for us."

gee, i wonder who the main focus of the episode is on matt saving. (angela.) gee, i wonder which demographic he caves for every time, and does what maybe he shouldn't, from the child he saved from the abusive father because he couldn't bear to listen anymore, to the boy who was kidnapped by the russians, who matt went after even though he knew it was a trap that they were using to try and kill him. (kids.)

"Saint Yves, helper of all who invoke thee, pray for us."

gee, i wonder who came to matt to ask for help, help that he was struggling to give via the system.

"Saint Yves, bright light among men of law, pray for us."

gee, i wonder why matt is struggling to find guidance on what he should do, when doing what he knows foggy would have wanted has been his guiding light—except it's been getting harder and harder to see that the system works at all.

"Saint Yves, terror of demons, pray for us."

gee. i wonder who might be feeling the urge to put some righteous terror back into the hearts of evil-doers.

and those are just the most immediately relevant lines. so maybe they googled the patron saint of lawyers and jumped on that bandwagon. but maybe matt's looking for intercession for all those things and more. because of course we know that he prays more and more when he starts to let the devil out.

[mcflymemes]

PROMPTS FROM THE "FALL GROCERY SHOPPING IN '99/'00" PLAYLIST ON SPOTIFY *  assorted lines from this incredible playlist i found on spotify. it's so comforting. some lines are slightly reworked to suit a roleplay format, adjust as necessary

you wear those shoes, and i will wear that dress.

kiss me.

we'll take the trail marked on your father's map.

kiss me beneath the milky twilight.

i don't want to wait for our lives to be over.

i want to know right now.

will it be yes, or will it be sorry?

the war he saw lives inside him still.

it's so hard to be gentle and warm.

i want to know right now what it will be.

you're wearing your anguish again.

believe me, i know the feeling.

breathe a little more deeply.

all we have is this very moment.

i want to be here now.

when will they stop?

i believe that fate has brought us here, and we should be together.

my world crumbles when you are not near.

i may seem all right and smile when you leave, but my smiles are just a front.

i need your touch.

there's no easy way out.

love comes to those who believe it.

i don't know what to say.

you're gonna find the way.

i promise i'm not trying to make your life harder.

i'm in love.

i caused nothing but trouble.

i understand if you can't talk to me again.

we all want something beautiful.

i wish i was beautiful.

show me some of that spanish dancing.

believe in me.

she's looking at you.

grey is my favorite color.

just take my hand.

i will protect you.

i will be here. don't you cry.

my arms will hold you.

this bond between us can't be broken.

why can't they understand the way we feel?

they just don't trust what they can't explain.

we're not that different after all.

you must be strong.

i can change.

she doesn't own a dress.

i don't really wanna be the queen.

i don't really wanna live this life.

don't leave me in all this pain.

don't leave me out in the rain.

i need your arms to hold me now.

say you'll love me again.

i cried so many nights.

i will remember you.

you can go. you can start all over again.

maybe someday we'll figure all this out.

give it to me straight.

i don't know him anymore.

i'm all out of faith.

this is how i feel.

i'm cold and i am shamed.

you're a little late.

isn't it ironic?

life has a funny way of sneaking up on you when you think everything's okay.

you're beautiful, that's for sure.

i don't know where my home is.

i don't care who you are.

live while you can.

it might as well be my fault.

god, it's better than nothing.

these are the days you'll remember.

i wish i was your lover.

[dearestsebastian]

i didn't like season 2 kuro ending with demon!ciel AT FIRST bcoz sebastian looked unhappy which doesn't feel right to me but then the lyrics to the ending song cured me:

In a night sky without stars, I can't find my destination, so my eyes wander...

I've been living with selfishness and freedom interchangeably. There was nothing to be afraid of, only because there was nothing to protect.

[lyrics obviously about seb wandering around aimlessly just eating humans and shit, with no sense of belonging and getting bored of his way of living but not knowing how to fix this]

Now, I'm afraid of tomorrow, and of ten years ahead too. I need a hug, my sweetheart.

People cry to the sky, spread their arms and dream. I'll forever protect the blue sky that I saw that day.

[seb meets ciel a.k.a the blue sky. things change and suddenly he has something to protect and begins to fear for the future. other people wish for the sky/something intangible, but sebastian already saw/found his "dream"]

I no longer yearn to be able to spread out and fly freely. Nobody is truly free. That's not what freedom is, it's just that the sky has no boundaries.

In the sky known as you, trap only me in there. I'm not going anywhere anymore, so please don't go anywhere either.

Everyone in the sky are all within a cage called "freedom". Having only you is alright. In this "sky", I don't need wings anymore.

[out of kuro context, it's basically about how if u're too concerned with maintaining ur freedom then u won't be able to commit to anything and that's kind of a cage in itself, since u're trapped.

at first sebastian was trapped by this dilemma too, but then he realized that the thing he fears losing the most is actually not some meaningless freedom, but ciel. he'd rather be "trapped" together with ciel forever than to wander around without him]

it's the perfect song for kuroshitsuji ending and i can picture how their relationship may develop in the future after ciel becomes a demon 🥹💙

[bomberqueen17]

solarpunk tallships bisexuals sequel

ok so. I did manage to finish the draft of that novel at the beginning of March, and I've mostly been able to let it sit while I started work on the sequel. I have already identified some structural edits I will need to make in order to make the sequel line up and have enough room for itself. (This is better than my fanfic writing process, where often i posted things before writing the follow up and then had to figure out how to get out of the corner i'd painted myself into lol, though more often than you'd think I did have a plan and had left myself wiggle room. well, it might be less often than you'd think, though.)

So anyone who had signed up to cheer-read or beta-read that, that's all up and available for comment now! Huge thanks to those who have responded, that was enormous and got me through the dark dark winter lol. I knew I couldn't get through that alone. But I'm not out of the woods yet and I would love some more company.

updates on sequel and a snippet behind cut:

I have about 50k of the sequel banged into chronological order by now, though it's still got a lot of... well the plot antagonists are just called [BADGUY] at the moment, among other things.

It is straight-up the first 20k of the solarpunk mammoths novel I published on Dreamwidth in 2018 or so, interspersed with new plot pulled from the setup in the first book, and a whole new direction for the mammoths novel which did peter out originally for want of coherent plot so this has fixed that.

I have to get it banged into shape but I am due to go back to work at the farm next week so I'm trying to decide-- I think I will put up the beta doc for comments in the same way, but I'm not sure who to include on it. I guess I'll put on everyone who signed up, whether they got around to vol 1 yet or not, with the understanding that life gets in the way sometimes, but also like-- no pressure, if you aren't interested anymore or super just don't have time, i'm not trying to be pushy.

I dunno, I don't have a process for this. Just know: vol 1 is complete but not finished, I will be rewriting it at some point, it's open to further discussion and possibly could use some structural critique as well as I'm never sure about my pacing etc, but I'm letting it sit for a bit right now to get the sequel approximately shaped and then I will be looking harder at feedback and such. (I know it needs a lot more physical descriptions and more vividness in the environment and I need to flesh out the worldbuilding and hammer out the bits where I have to depart from the Age of Sail Aesthetic to actually make my own shit, etc., and a lot of the Politics Etcetera will make a lot more sense once I get it properly framed in to support vol. 2.)

And so vol 2 is underway and I will soon be soliciting comments on that as well!

so, as promised, a snippet, and yes, we're getting different people's POVs in this volume so our POV here is Cpt Haines:

The University loomed, a tall stone wall with a gate and gatehouse, tall concrete and stone buildings behind. The guard in the gatehouse recognized Lt. Atkins, and waved at him, and Mel and the entourage trooped in behind him. “Now,” Atkins said, “the real test is, which part of the engineering department has custody of her today?” “Tom,” Mel said, catching his arm. There was a large animal in the courtyard they were approaching, a big shaggy brown thing that moved. “What is that.” Atkins stopped short, staring at it, completely stunned.  “It’s a fucking mammoth,” Kinsie said, astonished into swearing.  “Is that supposed to be here,” Mel said, instinct making her step in front of Kinsie, her arm across Atkins’s chest. Like she was going to be any real protection, but it was reflex. They were all armed, all carrying swords or knives, but nobody had a gun. And the creature was huge, and it had noticed them, and had its head up and its ears waving in interest.  “That’s a--” Atkins said, struggling to speak. “That’s--” He grabbed Mel’s wrist. “It’s all right. They’re-- citizens, here.” “They’re-- what?” Mel glanced over at him.  “They’re not animals,” Atkins said. He was staring at the mammoth with a rapt kind of intensity. He took a few steps forward, and Mel thought to stop him, to pull him back, but let him go. “They’re people. They can talk.” “Like the dolphins,” Mel said.  The mammoth waved its ears, and made a squeaky sound, surprisingly high-pitched, then turned away, moving slowly farther back into the courtyard, walking sideways. They cautiously followed, now all of them behind Atkins, who was walking more purposefully.  He walked right toward the creature, made a strangely formal gesture, and said, “Greetings, honored relative.”

[discordiansamba]

noctis showing up at the monastery one day with a child in his arms like uh. i have another kid now apparently? and shiro just nods his head, thinking of shura like. yeah. he knows how that is.

tsukumo doesn't talk at all those first few months. it's clear she's been deeply traumatized by something, but she eventually starts to come out of her shell.

yukio is just happy not to be the youngest child anymore, lol.

having tsukumo around helps teach rin to be more gentle.

yukio listens to izumo's backstory and just quietly does the math. thinks about how much 'tsukiko' looks like izumo and abruptly realizes they've been living with izumo's missing little sister this entire time.

(they WILL be confronting noctis about this later)

noctis has to watch them all eat the food from fox alley. because he can't tell them about the drugs in it, because he's not supposed to know about the drugs in it. he makes sure they all eat every bite of shiemi's grass sandwiches. and he does too, for good measure.

(noctis, grabbing rin by the collar when he jets off to go buy more of the food: nope. not doing that)

naturally, noctis teaches rin to cook!

noctis struggling to help the twins with their homework after a certain point. it dimly occurs to him that he's technically a high school dropout. but does it really count of his high school was destroyed?

his desire to become an exorcist- and therefore his need to get into true cross academy- is what helps motivate rin to devote more time to his studies. he's never going to be a straight A student, but he's a solid C+ student at least!

(if he gets B- or higher, noctis always celebrates. no one knows the struggle better. naturally, he celebrates yukio's accomplishments just as much!)

noctis: okay. it's weird as hell, but I think I've gotten used to the twins calling me dad.

shiro: oh. you can call me shiro, you know.

noctis: ....well that's going to be incredibly awkward and weird.

noctis has to regularly fight the urge to metaphorically bubble-wrap yukio. he utterly and completely failed his brother in his own timeline, so he desperately wants to protect him here... but he also knows that yukio would hate that, because he knows his brother.

shiro, once the truth about noctis' identity is out: so. noctis, huh.

noctis: i don't want to hear that from guilty silverwolf.

the impure king's left eye still gets stolen and noctis just looks at mephisto like. hey. really?

the exorcism world is in tizzy after the fallout. how could it not be? after all, a wave of blue flames engulfed the mountain but only burned away the impure king. meanwhile noctis just whistles like damn wow. blue flames? that's crazy. who could have done that.

(it's kind of a bittersweet feeling, watching his friends go out and have fun in kyoto with the younger version of himself and yukio. like. ah. in his heart he still considers them his friends, but he's not part of their number anymore.)

lewin conducting his investigation into the blue night, just like he does in canon. it's not hard to guess from his appearance that noctis might be an azazel clone, but curiously he can't find a trace of his records. it's almost like he doesn't exist!

noctis can see the way lewin looks at rin and yukio, and he's not sure he likes it. somehow it didn't occur to him that lewin's investigation might be a major problem to keeping both his own origin and the twins' origin a secret.

whatever happens, noctis is determined to not like yukio got to the Illuminati. that's where everything went downhill in his timeline. it'll be fine, he tries to convince himself. after all, rin hasn't even awakened yet!

(in the aftermath of mephisto getting shot and being forced to drop the barrier around the artificial gehenna gate, rin's seal finally begins to weaken. noctis is telling the exwires to stay home- let the adults handle the fallout, but rin isn't having that. he doesn't like the idea of sitting around and doing nothing.

they fight- and for the first time, rin flares up.

the exwires watch in horror as rin bursts into blue flame. rin stares at himself in horror, because he knows what blue flames mean, except... they aren't hurting him. he's fine.

noctis stares at rin in horror, because he can see everything unravel around him. no. this can't be happening. he should have had more TIME.)

there's also this time travel idea I've been rotating since this morning in which a Rin from a failed timeline is sent back to the past by Mephisto... and then, upon arrival, is promptly put in charge of raising his infant self + Yukio... also by Mephisto.

(the man saw his chance to do something really funny and took it.)

some assorted thoughts about this one, in no particular order:

upon arrival, Mephisto instructs older!rin to pick a new alias- no, you can't pick Rinka. that would stand out too much. so in all of his cringy sixteen year old glory, Rin names himself Noctis on the spot, bc it sounds cool as hell and he definitely won't regret it when he gets older.

(he absolutely does)

yukio: dada.

noctis: huh!? no! i'm your nii-san, yukio! i'm way too young to be a father!

(noctis struggles valiantly, but he is fighting a losing battle. or: rin's teen dad arc.)

older!rin is the white haired version of himself, to further differentiate himself from younger!rin. of course, this does not stop the two of them from having an uncanny resemblance, so any time the twins introduce him as their foster father, people just look between Noctis and Rin and are like. doubt.png.

Shiro is still roped into becoming the Paladin by Mephisto. as far as he knows, Yuri's twins are being raised by some other unfortunate soul. imagine his shock when a few years in, he comes across a pair of familiar children at a local park under the care of someone who looks equally as familiar.

for a brief moment, Shiro mistakes him for Satan- but it can't be. Satan would never make that kind of expression. but was there another Azazel clone running around other than him? there's no way this guy isn't one, right? that resemblance is uncanny.

(older!rin's cover story is that he's a misfit Azazel clone who got a little too much demon in him, and was thus raised away from Section 13.)

and then he finds out that the guy is only nineteen. Shiro does the math. Mephisto put a sixteen year old boy in charge of taking care of children- which, well. fuck. okay. he's definitely intervening.

(or: becoming friends with his father is a little awkward at first, but Noctis comes to enjoy it, eventually.)

Mephisto gives Noctis a new demon sword and puts him to work right away as an exorcist. no using your own flames, though! we can't let people know there's two of you running around!

Noctis goes and picks up Kuro like, first thing. sorry old man, but he's stealing your familiar. he's really open about being an exorcist to the twins, since he knows he sucks at lying- and the less of it he has to do, the better.

he understands why his old man did it, but he doesn't want yukio to become an exorcist. instead he tries to introduce him to friendly demons like kuro and the greenmen, so he knows they're not all scary- and does not realize he himself is doing like, half of the heavy lifting there.

(rin and yukio both know their foster father is a first generation nephilim. yukio suspects that noctis really is their father, but just refuses to admit it for some reason. is it because he doesn't want them to know they're nephilim too? rin's strength makes it pretty obvious...)

this, ironically, leads to the outcome where both of the twins tell him that they want to join the exorcism cram school in high school. noctis' brain just does a record scratch. hwuah? huh? unexpected outcome????

the older his younger self gets, the more noctis begins to understand why shiro didn't tell him the truth until he couldn't hide it any longer in the original timeline. plus. you know. he has the additional wrinkle of being rin from the future, which is just SO awkward.

noctis gets into fierce arguments with mephisto about changing the past. he wants to prevent things like what happened to shiemi, or the lab in inari, but mephisto counters with the hard to argue fact that if they do prevent those things from happening, the timeline could very quickly spiral out of control. the future could get worse than the one you came from.

mephisto: but since you enjoy being a father so much, why don't you raise kamiki-san's younger sister?

noctis: hwuha!?

(additional child acquired)

mephisto also ropes noctis into teaching at cram school as a swordsmanship instructor, just in time for a familiar batch of cram school students to enroll...

noctis: wow... they're all so young...

noctis: wait. FUCK.

(despite that, he doesn't look a day over 25 even though he's actually 31. it gets on shiro's nerves constantly. you don't have any right to complain about getting old! you don't even get back pain!)

mephisto: I'm surprised you are not trying to prevent me from recruiting shima as a spy.

noctis: nah, that's like enrichment for him.

(noctis watching rin and shiemi interact like. i am going to be the world's most embarrassing father about this.)

(or: older!rin's journey from "don't call me dad" to "fuck it. i'm their father now")

[sophieinwonderland]

I mean, I think EVERYONE should be doing what they can to defend Democracy for free.

I don't have much power myself. A small blog with a couple thousands followers, many of whom are inactive. This blog was originally intended to just talk about plural stuff, but I did my part to encourage people to vote for Harris in the 2024 election. I've started discussing political issues even more since the election, trying to raise awareness of the harms being done by the Trump regime.

I wish I had a larger platform to be able to call attention to what's going on. But I don't.

Harris does though. People still respect her. People will still listen when she talks. Popular shows and podcasts, including those in right wing echo chambers we need to be able to breach, would be thrilled to have a former VP and presidential candidate. She can still make a difference and raise awareness. And we need her to. We need all of the Democrats we can to be willing to stand up against the Trump regime, even if they don't have an official position.

And even if you want to make this a racial issue... even if you don't think black people should have to fight to protect democracy for white people... at least try to give a shit about other black people who are being hurt... because the legal immigrants from Haiti and other countries who are going to be detained in the Trump concentration camps are not going to be given the option to tune out and hope for the best.

Maybe it's just me, but I think that anyone worthy of being President of the United States should be someone willing to defend it even without the promise of a paycheck for their work.

But even if you don't care about defending our Democracy anymore, I think you should at least care about preventing the human rights abuses Trump's regime will carry out on immigrants, most of whom are people of color who never committed any crimes.

It’s annoying how many people think Kamala Harris should work for free to defend Democracy.

These idiots should’ve voted for her in November and expecting free labor from her is ridiculous and expected behavior from white people and nonblack poc.

Using Tim Walz, who’s still a governor and is still a public servant, to call out Harris is ridiculous as hell.

As usual, people want Black People to save everyone but won’t vote with Black People to save democracy

[uncanny-tranny]

You know... it's okay to trust your body. If you are separated from your body to such an extent you feel you cannot trust it, I truly from the bottom of my heart empathize and feel grief for you, but you can trust your body.

It's okay to listen to your body and to heed what it is telling you. I wish you (and your body) well wherever you go. You deserve the peace of mind to feel able to do what you want.

[bottombaron]

wait.

if Nandor knew that the only way to reverse the transformation was to kill the vampire that sired Guillermo...

he was going to travel the world...with his best friend...go back to his home...turn Guillermo at the banks of the Tigris

in s3 finale, after Guillermo had cornered Nandor, proving he can have violent intent towards him, Nandor says, "yes, yes. this is what I've been waiting for. you've passed the test"

but he wasn't talking about being a vampire...

he was talking about what he would have to do after...

[mymarifae]

[firebirdsdaughter]

Have I mentioned today…

… how much I love Nate and Eliot?

[thepoisonroom]

it's so crazy to be in a really healthy relationship but still have emotional problems because every time i want to catastrophize about things with my girlfriend i'm like "buddy that doesn't even make any sense are you sure that's not your brain problems 🤨"

[schadenfreudich]

My existence is a trauma response and I think that shows

[zevrans-archive]