#“when she's talking about mother she’s actually talking about lady gaga” takes me out every time 😭😭

[lelianaslefthand]

this is sending me so bad 😭 “mother is serving” and “shar is serving deity realness” why did he say that 😭😭

[madsdefencesquad]

another kevison fanfic none of you asked for (also on ao3):

[Thread] Who's the nicest celeb you've met in real life?

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Kevin Pearson. Was an extra for one of his movies and couldn’t be any nicer. Chatted with us even though technically you weren’t supposed to. He joked around a lot and showed us pics of his family. Real top bloke.

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I met this guy once on vacation in Italy. We were at a table next to him and my newborn was screaming bloody murder, mom was in the bathroom. Couldn’t quite calm my son and I was getting real embarrassed with the loud noise. Some of the waiters came over to their table to ask if they wanted to move but Kevin shut them down immediately. Actually got a bit cross that they even suggested it. His wife suggested to rock my baby on the side to make him stop and he did! She knows a few tricks having twins and stuff. Also shared that joy/misery thing of being first time parents. Anyway, they left first (they got there earlier) and we learned after that they paid for our meals too. Couldn’t believe it.

replied: Wow. That’s the so fucking nice of them.

replied: Yeah made my wife cry haha

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I’ve heard only good things about him too! My mom lives in Philly and his brother was running for city council a few years back and he was there and took photos with all the Korean mamas including my own and my grandma! apparently he smells really expensive :P

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Didn’t know that I was fully chatting up his wife at Starbucks until I saw a pic of them at the premiere for one of his movies. I’d be embarrassed by my god she was fantastic! 10/10 would’ve gone for it if I wasnt such a potato

replied: And wasn’t married.

replied: That too

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My daughter was an extra on one of his movies and says he’s the nicest guy and “such a dad” lol! And her dad’s a real “dad” dad so for her to say that about a famous actor is funny

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I used to teach his kids in my kindergarten class. Daughter’s wicked smart. I can tell you all the mothers would have a fit every time he’d come by to pick them up and if it’s not his wife or them together, it’s him. Very hands on. I’d say that counts for nice.

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Rocked out to a Lady Gaga show with him and his wife in Vegas. His wife and I are practically best friends now! We’re on first name basis ;)

replied: Sounds fun! What were they there for if you don’t mind me asking? Coz isn’t he like sober now?

replied to a reply: I think it was for a niece’s birthday or something? Couldn’t remember, was pretty wild night :P And I didn’t see any drinks.Even his wife wasn’t drinking I think? They were literally there to enjoy Gaga like the rest of us

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I love hearing stories about him like this because it always looks like he’s such a pretentious pretty boy jerk especially back in the day

replied: Getting your life sorted can change a man

replied to a reply: Yeah he’s pretty mellowed out since getting sober. He’s had that DUI and rehab stint but now he’s a real family man and seems to love his wife very much. Good for him.

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Doesn’t he remind you of George Clooney? Got married late and had boy girl twins and is loving life!

replied: True!!

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Not sure if everybody knows but his wife Madison is pretty big in the interior design space especially coz she like pretty much runs their fam construction business. I follow her on Insta and I know everyone has a crush on Kevin but I’d pick her over him any day!

replied: OMG YES SAME! She puts together these amazing DIY palettes and I’m obsessed! I’d also pick her over him any day even just to pick her brain

replied to a reply: She also recommends the best books!!!

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My mom’s in the planning side of construction and met his wife in West Chester. She did a presentation and afterwards her and my mom shared parenting tips like they’re in some mom club. Apparently she was the sweetest and her babies are adorable and also Kevin calls a lot lol

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Met him at the airport, wife’s a huge fan of the manny so sucked my gut to ask for a pic. When he found out it’s for the missus, he recorded a special vid saying his iconic line. Missus was over the moon. Real good fella

replied: MANNY SAY WHAAATTTTT

replied: That’s so nice

replied: He did for my mom as well! All the moms love him!

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Kevin Pearson helped re-build my grandparents’ burned down convenience store. Couldn’t thank him enough even if I tried

replied: Wow, that’s real generous. How are the grandparents?

replied to a reply: Thanks! They’re over the moon. They have a house near the area but gran said he’d come by with his kids from time to time. Even if gran didn’t want to, they always insisted to pay for whatever the kids wanted.

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Delivered the cake for his uncle (grandpa’s?) wedding and he gave a seriously generous tip. Oh and his wife packed me pigs in the blanket.

replied: Pigs in the blanket?! What in the middle school

replied: Apparently it was the uncle/grandad’s favorite or something and they double ordered. But who cares free food!

replied to a reply: Did it come with ketchup?

replied to a reply: Hot, wrapped in foil and handful of ketchup packets. I felt like one of the kids

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Not him but his brother who’s like a big shot in politics right now. Real top guy and had the best laugh

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This doesn’t sound real but I’ve bumped into him literally five times over the past year he’ll probably think I’m some stalker. Rarely saw him without his family and once his kid threw a ball at me. He apologised but c’mon you either throw a ball or bounce it no big deal. Besides, that kid has David Beckham’s kids manners. Real like English folk polite it’s insane

replied: That’s always nice to hear that celebrity kids aren’t spoiled brats. We know a few good of them are

replied to a reply: Celebrity kids are different from kid celebrities though

replied to a reply: Didn’t say they were the same? Just saying that for a kid of someone so rich and famous you’d think they’d be a bit more spoiled but they weren’t at all and was beyond respectful and that’s a testament to the parents.

replied to a reply: Agree. I’ve met this particular celebrity’s kids and mind you they’re teens now but god they were just awful and pretentious. Even more than their famous parent which is saying something

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Not him but I did meet that actress that was so embarrassingly flirty around him during the press conference of hat film he did a few years back. She’s a real bitch and so fake and I’m so glad she’s been dropped from the sequel

replied: Oh god yeah I remember her. She was so obnoxious laughing at everything he said like stfu it’s not that funny!!!! The secondhand embarrassment watching her and him being all polite about it *chills*

replied: She’s the worst. No talent

replied to a reply: I was an extra for some scenes in that movie and she was WAY worse and such a diva for someone unknown. Kevin’s a real nice guy though and just let her be. He talks about his wife and kids a lot but she would not take a hint!

replied to a reply: That is just embarrassing

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Alright story time. Was working as a barista at a cafe and it was one of those really shitty days. He came in, ordered and waited and was all nice and took some pics with fans. Anyway, like I said shitty day so I mixed up his coffee order and got him two lattes instead of cappuccinos. Mind you, it was a busy asf day as well and I was the only one making coffees. He comes over and tells me and I apologise but by this time my manager’s already all up on my ass for serving Kevin Pearson incorrectly. He kept apologising to him and berating me till Kevin himself stepped in and told the manager off. But like calmly and stuff like it’s no big deal and people make mistakes whatever and I kid you fucking not he apologised to me too and said I was doing a good job. He probably won’t know how much that meant to me after an already shitty as day but it did. I made sure to make him the best fucking cappuccinos

replied: I’ve met him in irl too and he is this!

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I saw him sitting at a cafe with his daughter. Super nice. Asked him if I could get an autograph for my mom who’s a huge fan. He asked me some questions about her and wrote a really nice autograph, for her. His daughter stuck one of her stickers on there too and my mom loved that even more. I told him where she works (at a grocers) and he went out of his way to shop there the next day and made a point to look for her and chat. Great, great dude

replied: That is so fucking cool man. And your mom must’ve been so happy!

replied to a reply: She was over the moon! She loves his wife too! Apparently she was even chattier than Kevin haha

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Met him at the airport. I was an employee and he had some TSA questions. Genuinely nice and friendly, chatted for about 15min. After he was set, we shook hands, he had his kids say thank you individually with a high five. Adorable. His wife was super nice and friendly too. Very good social interaction, would participate again

[bitch-in-a-bag]

can we talk about how the LGBT movement has changed in the past 15 years?

in the light of the events surrounding Chris chan, and people prioritizing pronouns over the rape of a woman with dementia, I think it displays just how... different things are.

i personally feel like it's been co-opted by the more loud and entitled mtfs/ males/penis-havers/whatever pc term exists for the XY chromosome'd, who go too far and aren't reasonably kept in check. I think terf no longer has meaning anymore because it's just become a word we use to silence anyone that disagrees with a trans woman. immediately you're going to call me a terf, I accept that, but please continue reading. I may suprise you. calling someone who's transgender a terf is kinda messed up anyway, and that's exactly why im writing this.

I also think that everyone else (allies, ftms, etc) have followed suit because they've written this messed up narrative that EvErYoNe iS VaLiD. except for trans penis-havers, bc they're the most oppressed and the most valid, actually, regardless of their experiences.

I never used to believe the above because it was always written off as terf shit, and ignoring it kinda benefitted me, but between seeing ftms getting bashed for refusing to follow new "TME" rules as if they aren't trans too, and seeing outrage around Chris chans pronouns, I think it's time to start saying things that may make people uncomfortable. innocent people are already getting hurt by this, and we need to do better. it's time to get uncomfortable.

I want to remind you that perception is both the relying factor, and also the downfall of newer lgbt theory. if my profile were mtf coded, maybe it currently is, you'd call me a self hating trans and I wouldn't be that big of a deal. terfs would probably target me.

if my profile was ftm coded, I would be absolutely skewered for daring to speak out about these issues, even though they do actually affect ftms disproportionately. terfs would try to convince me that being trans is a plague and a mental illness, and to just ~be a cis woman~!

and if assumed cis, I would 100% be assumed radfem terf, and everything I say would immediately be dismissed because of the genuine damage terfs have done. but terfs would still probably flock to this post and berate me for daring to validate trans people At All, because to them, being transgender is a mental illness akin to an eating disorder, and "giving in" to it is "self harm". clearly I don't believe that, so hopefully you'll give me at least some benefit of the doubt.

so, does my identity matter? i have a feeling you'll say yes, because it gives us a good idea of experiences I do and don't have expertise in, and thus room to talk about. but I refuse to directly identify what I actually am because I want the focus of any resulting conversation to be my message and not my self identification. if you read between the lines and figure it out that's just fine, but I would like to be heard first and foremost.

my profile is thus an attempt at being cis female coded, somewhat out of comfort, and that is likely what I'll be assumed to be due to the beliefs I am expressing, even though there is a substantial risk of getting misgendered and dismissed, no matter what my birth sex may actually be. i will give you a hint about my identity: I am transgender, on HRT and everything, and I have been personally affected by all of this. rest assured, this is well within my lane to speak about, and it does matter if you misgender me.

I want you to really think about that. before you respond, really think about if someone saying words on tumblr, talking about their OWN experiences and their take on recent history that applies to themself, really more worthy of being misgendered and harassed than... someone who said they transitioned so they could date lesbians, and then raped their own mother with dementia.

is that fair or just? or is this just a new way of letting people with penises do whatever they want? I personally think it's the latter. we need to hold people like Chris chan accountable without getting caught up on something as minor **in comparison** as misgendering and self identification. Is it sad and confusing that someone who self IDs as transgender became 1:1 with the most dangerous stereotypes that exist for trans women? Of course it is. But it doesn't mean that self identification is suddenly more important than a literal crime being committed.

I would normally dismiss it as a fluke or outright trolling if the evidence weren't so damning that this is in fact a real event that happened. If I hadn't seen this happen to other people, and if I didn't literally know another mtf person who used their dysphoria as an excuse for date rape on multiple occasions and never got any consequences for it.

It's not a one time thing, it's a developing problem that we need to stop before more people have their lives ruined. I can't even imagine how traumatizing and messed up it is for an FTM person to be date raped, by another transgender person no less. When I, an abuse survivor, told people of this MTFs red flags, people violently silenced me. People who didn't know I was trans called me a terf and transphobic. We, as a community, could've protected someone from getting date raped, and we didn't. Trans women can be awful, horrible fucking people, because they are people. Protecting them at all costs is wrong. Protecting them from transphobia is what we should be doing.

That being said, misgendering is still skeevy, and I haven't done anything like raped a disabled woman who is no longer able to consent, or date raped my own partner. if you give a shit about respecting my identity, please use they/them for me. if not, use visual perception and make assumptions that will most likely be incorrect, skew your own argument, and put me on the same level as a rapist, and arguably a fetishist. And I do need to remind you that calling someone transgender a rapist and a fetishist without evidence is still definitely classic transphobia, to the letter, so I'd appreciate it if you didn't do that.

as someone who is same sex attracted, I also want to bring this up as well.

in the US in the past 15 years, the movement as a whole pretty much went "YEAH BORN THIS WAY" with Lady Gaga, and then jumped ship to prioritize mostly mtfs at every angle. do mtfs need support? absolutely. but they don't need misguided toxic positivity, and that's what it's turned into.

it's gotten genuinely homophobic to the point where actually homosexual people are constantly being erased and demonized via "genital preferences are a fetish uwu", and vulva havers, especially the trans ones, are constantly being told to shut up about their experiences.

as much as you want to deny bioessentialism, its still very much well and alive with newer trans movement sentiments when we classify ftms as not worthy of speaking about their own issues with terms like "TME". it's also incredibly ignorant towards FTMs who pass, but dress feminine for comfort, and get mistaken for MTF, and treated like garbage because of it. They are not remotely exempt from misogyny, transphobia, or the intersection of the two, and it is not anyone's job to tell them they don't ever experience that when they do. Turning ftms and biological homosexuals into our enemies-- especially when the actual cause is transphobia and harmful gender stereotypes-- does nothing good or healthy for our movement.

Dont be mistaken, though, passing isn't the focus or end all be all here, it's the perception of others that ends up drastically effecting your experiences. There are words like misogyny that imply treatment via birth sex, however this too can be reliant on external perception. If an MTF individual either transitions very young, has an abundance of resources to transition, or just gets lucky and passes well, chances are she will experience a lot more misogyny than people may give credit to. inversely, someone who just started questioning yesterday, but lived as a male their whole life up until then, they genuinely cannot speak about misogyny with that much room because they simply haven't experienced it at an accurate enough angle or for enough time to understand it as a repeated and sociological force.

It works the other way as well, though; someone who's known that they're trans for a long time and haven't had the resources to transition, or do not or cannot pass in the eyes of society; these people suffer pain that we don't neccesarily have a word for yet, imo. It makes dysphoria worse and it makes living seem hopeless. And as a community, we deal with this is in a really messed up way by over-validating them instead of solving the core issue at hand. and people who suffer from this, but also acknowledge they can't claim what they haven't experienced, are left with nowhere to go.

And its important to acknowledge these things because they're integral to the over-encompassing trans experience. Instead of lying to everyone and telling everyone they pass/giving out unconditional positive regard, our focus should be making it so that it **doesn't matter if you pass**. that you're still worth respect and dignity if you're transgender, no matter what passing is or what it means to you, and no matter how you present. But also, if you do something awful, you still need to be held accountable, especially if you use yourself, your body, or your trans status to contribute to other axi of oppression.

Transphobia is a word that encompasses and addresses all of that, regardless of birth sex. "TME" shuts that down in favor of only letting MTF's speak. Which is still very bio-essentialist, and I can't help but feel like we've gone full circle.

Once upon a time you couldn't even get married if your partner had the same genitals as you. in the US, this was less than 7 years ago. and if you care about human rights activism, you know damn well that legal modification is not the end all be all. people who are genuinely homosexual are still oppressed, but the trans movement has started stepping on them to make ground we don't deserve. homosexuals are ok and valid. it's not a genital preference, and the prescence of trans people doesn't make conversion therapy sentiments ok, ever.

we've gone full circle, and it's not right.

[yourdeepestfathoms]

when you’re gone i’ll still be Bloody Mary

oof everything but the fight isn’t my best and you can tell i got bored and started rushing at the end BUT!! here is today’s fic! i hope it makes you mad!

Title from Bloody Mary by Lady Gaga

Word count: 5024

TW: Violence, blood, asphyxiation

———————

For better or for worse, the kids were alive and well again, and ever since then, the queens have changed. Everyone has noticed it- the sudden shift in behavior and attitude caught a lot of attention. Suddenly, they lost all their personality and just became a slave to the maternal mentality that awakens in their brains at the sight of their children.

First, there was Anne and Elizabeth. They didn’t look alike at all- Anne with her chocolate brown hair done in spacebuns and Elizabeth looking as if she was Merida from Brave- but they shared a similar gremlin-like gene. Anne was probably the least overbearing with her motherly attitude- she was still very much caring and loving, but she gave her daughter space and let her do whatever she wanted...which wasn’t exactly a good thing. Elizabeth had way too much freedom, especially towards Maggie, who would always get very quiet when the girl came around her. But Maggie tried, tried to be happy to see the girl again, and tried to be happy for her best friend, but her smile was very tight and forced, and pain would always flicker in her eyes whenever she saw the two together. She was dreading the worst- waiting for the sword hanging over Anne’s head to finally fall again.

Then there was Jane and Edward. Unlike her predecessor, Jane was extremely overbearing with the whole mum thing. She was always checking on her son, making sure he was happy and that everything was okay, and she pampered him constantly. Somehow, Edward didn’t seem to mind at all. He was basically living in the lap of luxury. Not even Kitty was bothered by this! She was just happy to finally get to be the big sibling in the family.

Thirdly, and most surprising, there was Cathy and Mae. The toddler actually appearing was a huge shocker to everyone, especially Cathy, but she took up responsibility for her daughter very quickly. She was very patient with the little girl, unlike Bessie, who had to leave the room whenever Mae would cry or even simply just giggle. Every time this happened, Cathy’s rage built up a little higher. It wouldn’t be long until she finally blew her top.

Finally, there was Aragon and Mary. It was easy to know that they were related; Mary seemed to get everything from her mouth when it came to looks- skin tone, eyes, hair, height, jawline, nose. However, there was one thing Mary inherited from her father: his bloodlust. Aragon, of course, didn’t acknowledge what her daughter had done at all. She was sheltering her mind from the crime, pretending it doesn’t exist because, to her, it didn’t if nobody brought it up. So nobody did.

Seeing all the kids was weird again, but Mary was by far the strangest, or at least to Joan. Mary appeared to be sixteen, maybe fifteen, so it was odd seeing her younger than Joan, but Joan pushed that aside and just tried to befriend the girl. After all, they had a common interest- having Aragon as a mother. Or, well, mother figure in Joan’s case. It wasn’t official yet.

“Hey, Mary!”

After everything was settled with the kid’s arrival was when Joan decided to make her move. She didn’t want to hold out much longer or it may seem impolite of her.

Mary turned to Joan, and Joan got a sudden bad feeling as she approached her further, like she was a sheep walking right into the den of a hungry hyena.

And now that it was mentioned, Mary kinda did look like a hyena. If Joan concentrated enough, she could almost smell the pungent, rank scent of death that clung to the girl as it did to the scavengers.

“Uhh. Hey.” Mary said. She was looking at Joan as if she were a dirty peasant clambering into her throne room. “And you are...?”

“Joan.” Joan said. “I’m the music director and pianist. Aragon and I are friends!”

Mary squinted at Joan. “Are you sure? Mother doesn’t mention you.”

“Well- maybe not as a friend, per se.” Joan scuffed her foot against the ground, trying her best not to do a giddy little happy dance as she said, “She- well, she sees me as a daughter!”

Mary blinked.

And then she started laughing.

The image of a hyena floated back to the surface as she did so- her laugh is barking and shrill. It grates Joan’s ears like barbed claws or scorpion stingers.

“You?” Mary asked for confirmation.

Now slightly flustered, Joan nodded.

Mary laughed again.

“Oh, that is adorable!” She wiped her eyes with a slim finger that seemed more like a talon. “Seriously, that is just too cute! My mother! Being yours!” Another chortle.

“It’s true!” Joan squeaked. Her voice is pitching and wavering slightly, which doesn’t help her case at all.

“Oh, I’m sure it is,” Mary said. “In your dreams, maybe. Why would Mother ever want you as her daughter? What makes you so special?” She tilted her head at Joan, and Joan just managed by the skin of her teeth to not squirm under her gaze. It felt like the ex-princess was sizing her up....estimating how big the wooden stakes would need to be when she set her ablaze.

“I-”

“Actually,” Mary cut her off. “don’t answer that! No offense, but I don’t care.”

She swung around to leave, not giving Joan a chance to defend herself.

“Thanks for the laugh, June!”

She walked off, disappearing further into the theater and leaving Joan alone.

“...My name is Joan.”

———

It’s been five months since that first interaction, and Joan swore Mary had something against her. She always saw the girl glaring at her from a distance, like she was imagining how good her head would look on the end of a flaming torch.

It gave Joan the creeps, to say the least.

But it didn’t end there. Mary began to torment and taunt Joan constantly- whether it being teasing or purposely making her fuck up somehow, Mary tried to make Joan’s life a living hell. And when she tried to tell Aragon, the queen got mad. Like, really pissed off. Joan doesn’t tell her about the harassment anymore. Especially when she got terribly ill the next day.

The thought that Mary somehow poisoned her for snitching scares her even more.

What’s worse: Aragon was starting to spend a lot less time with Joan. That was natural, of course, but Joan’s jealousy just couldn’t handle it. Especially when it was Mary getting all the queen’s attention.

But what could she do? Aragon would never choose Mary over her.

———

The sound of her dressing room door shutting and the lock clicking snapped Joan out of her workaholic reverie. She snapped around and was startled to find Mary standing there, her hands pressed together and folded neatly against her stomach.

(Joan remembers something about the princess having several pregnancy issues. She wonders if those still exist within her after reincarnation, and if they’re the reason she’s so bitchy.)

“Can I help you?” Joan said impatiently. She didn’t have time or the coffee to deal with this right now- she had work to do.

“Yes, actually,” Mary said. She crossed the room in just a few quick strides; her movements were poised and confident- she knew what she was doing. “I just wanted to talk to you about Mother.”

“What about her?” Joan asked cautiously. Red flags are already going off in her head, if the fact that the ex-princess locked the door wasn’t enough to tell her that this situation seemed sketchy.

“Back off.”

“What?”

“Back off of Mother.” Mary said. Her voice is still languid and smooth, but there’s now an underlying firmness to it- a drop of poison in the honeyed words.

Joan didn’t know why she thought for even a split second that this was going to be a truce or an opportunity to finally make friends with the princess. She should have known she was walking right into Mary’s flaming claws.

“You know she never actually loved you, right?” Mary went on. “You didn’t believe it, did you? Be honest.”

Joan bit her tongue until she could taste blood. Her fingers clenched into fists, which Mary glanced at. The princess smirked.

“Of course you did.” She said. “I can’t blame you. You have nothing. Someone as meaningless and worthless as you has to cling to whatever they can get their hands on. It’s quite entertaining. Like dangling a carrot on a stick in front of you!”

“You’re lying,” Joan growled. She drove her fingernails into her palms even deeper until she felt the skin break open. “Aragon— She didn’t say that. She wouldn’t.”

“I’m not.” Mary said smoothly. “Why would I lie to you, Joan? You know I don’t care enough about you to do that. God, just standing here and talking to you makes me worry that I’m gonna get some of your desperation and neediness rubbed off on me!” She laughed like a hyena. It hurts Joan’s ears.

Joan can’t reply. She can’t do anything but sit there and take the insults hurled at her. She does, however, flinch back in her chair when Mary walks right up to her and gently cupped her cheek.

Her touch feels like fire.

“I have to thank you, though,” Mary crooned in a way a mother would when talking to their child, her voice like sickly sweet venom. “For taking care of my mother. But there’s no need anymore.” She pats Joan’s cheek. “There’s no use for you any longer. So why don’t you do us all a favor and just go crawl into the hole you came out of and die.”

Joan’s breath hitched slightly. She lowered her head so Mary couldn’t see the glisten in her eyes, but she knew she did from the sneer above her.

And that’s what made the rage bubble up.

Joan’s anger was not a hot, volcanic thing, but rather a cold, resentful feeling that ran in her blood for a long time. Her chest would turn icy and she suddenly couldn’t care about anyone else. Only justice for her broken self esteem.

She grabbed Mary by the wrist and yanked her hand off of her cheek. This startles the princess, who staggers back for a moment, then narrows her eyes. Her other hand comes around fast and slaps Joan hard across the face.

Like that, something in Joan’s brain sparked to life. An instinct she didn’t even know she had in her. It told her to fight.

( “We may be thieves, but we aren’t killers,” Her brother had once said. Ironically, he was sharpening an iron pick at the time. “But if you feel your life's on the line, Joan, you fight back. Whether you like it or not, to you, your life is the most important thing in this world. Not mine, not any of your friend’s, your own. You should protect it.”

“Where should I hit someone?” Joan had asked. She remembered shifting anxiously after asking it.

Her brother thought for a moment, tapping the pointy pick against his chin. Then, he smiled.

“The knees or stomach. Then get them in the jaw to incapacitate them. Your nails and teeth are also your greatest allies.” His eyes went dark for a moment. “But...if you fear they’re trying to kill you, then go for the throat and don’t let go.”)

Mary didn’t see Joan coming, even when glowering right at her. She hadn’t been expecting her prey to spring out of the chair and barrel into her at full speed, but here she was, being driven back against the nearby makeup table, watching tabletop items scatter and clatter in various directions in slow motion, before senses returned to her in a flash and she felt the sparks that shot up her and alerted her brain of the threat.

Joan had her hands on Mary’s shoulders and one knee wedged between her legs, the plated bone pressing uncomfortably against the sensitive bundle of nerves her thighs would usually shield from harm. She pushed backwards, causing Mary’s back to bend against the table edge in a way that made it feel like her spine would snap if she didn’t get away quickly.

The princess squirmed, then finally got her arms free. She shoved against Joan’s chest, which caused her to stumble back slightly. It was enough of a chance for Mary, as she took her turn to do the ramming.

Both girls collapsed to the floor in a wondrous heap, where they tousled like angry cats. It was an awkward, but deadly dance they did on the floor until they ripped away and scuttled away for air. Scratches gleamed red and pink on their sweaty faces, like they just got into a fight with a sentient knife and lost. Bits of blood and flecks of skin cling beneath their nails.

“So you do have some fight in you,” Mary panted. If she was trying to make Joan angrier, it was definitely working. “I’m impressed.”

“I don’t quite appreciate compliments from murderers.” Joan grit.

Something flashed in Mary’s eyes- guilt? Terror? Trauma? For a split second, she almost looked like she felt bad for what she had done and what she was doing now. Joan could almost see a girl in there who felt guilty about everything, and who maybe understood why it had been wrong.

But that girl was never going to be the one anyone saw.

“I am not!” Mary shrilled. “I was saving my people from those—those leeches!”

“Saving them?” Joan scoffed. She struggles to her feet, feeling the scratches scattered across her body lighting up with fresh pain. “Is that what you call burning their friends to death?”

Mary bared her teeth. Joan flashes her own right back.

“Shut up!” Mary snapped. “You weren’t there, so you have no idea what I had to do or why I had to do it!”

“Why are you acting like this?” Joan said. “You have another chance! You can redeem yourself! Why are you wasting it by acting like such a bitch?!”

Mary lunged at Joan. Joan sidestepped just in time to avoid being rammed, but Mary moved again, too. She whipped around and drove her fist into Joan’s stomach.

All the breath in Joan’s lungs left her in a whoosh and a spray of saliva droplets that splattered onto Mary’s yellow-and-violet striped shirt. She staggered backwards, snaking her arms around her aching stomach tightly, and her knees buckled underneath her.

She’s had the wind knocked out of her more than once and she knew that in a few moments, she’d be fine again—or as fine as someone who’d just been socked in the gut could possibly be—but this wasn’t exactly the kind of situation where she had moments to spare for breath-catching.

And on top of that, the human body had a tendency to freak out when it couldn’t breathe. Like, a lot.

She choked and spluttered, mouthing like a fish out of water as she tried to pull air into lungs that just weren’t ready to get back on their feet yet. Through the oxygen-deprived haze that was covering her vision, she saw Mary’s bloodthirsty expression return to confidence, like Joan’s struggle for air sated her hunger for suffering for now. But it would be back.

It was only really then that Joan realized what she had gotten herself into.

Joan knew that she wasn’t going to get away from this bitch if she relied completely on pure strength. Mary was taller and stronger than she was, plus she was fueled by insanity, which seemed to supply her with an endless stream of energy. She wasn’t knowledgeable in combat by any means, but if Lara Croft has taught her anything, it’s that you need to use tactics.

That thought of a possible plan was cut short, however, when Mary knocked her to the ground.

Pain rattled up Joan’s spine when she hit the floor. Fingers close around her throat; Mary was on her. Her hips are straddled and she’s pinned to the floor. She was being choked. She could feel the princess’ thumbs press down on her airways.

“Stop struggling!” Mary growled. “Just let it take you.”

Joan gags helplessly, clawing at the fingers around her throat. Even when she scratches Mary’s hands to bloodied shreds, she still doesn’t let go. She tries to gouge the princess’ eyes out, but her eyelids prove to be a strong barrier above the sockets, which she so desperately wanted to sink her nails into. Mary wrings her neck when she doesn’t stop and Joan choked, feeling pops and crackles shooting down her spinal cord.

“There we go...” Mary cooed when she saw Joan’s head flop to the side. She was still gasping like a fish out of water, but it wouldn’t be long, now. “Good girl.” She spoke to the music director as if she were a dog or one of her dead babies. “Such a good girl...”

Joan made a pathetic squeaking wheeze, which made Mary croon down at her alarmingly blue face pitifully.

“I would stroke your hair to help you along if I could,” Mary said. “But I can’t. I have to say, though, you are very obedient. Well trained. You make it too easy!”

Joan’s eyes were starting to roll back into her skull. Her tongue lolls out of her mouth, suddenly feeling like a block of heavy lead. The ice in her veins is smothered by Mary’s fire. It lights in her chest and incinerates her lungs to smoldering ashes. Her throat is being burned open from the princess’ burning touch.

This was it. She was about to die. In just a few moments, Joan’s strength would deplete, her neck would snap, and she would be just another body on Mary’s growing pile.

Then, it would all be over.

Cinders are stoked through all of Joan’s nerves, numbing them in a terrible, blistering way and rendering them useless. Her arms now lie outstretched, sprawled aimlessly across the floor. There, her fingers twitch against something.

Mary began to twist Joan’s neck back in a sickening, horrible way. She keeps her victim’s throat wrenched and was just about to snap it like she would a little bird when something sharp and pointy is stabbed into her lower stomach.

Mary shouts as zigzags of pain shot through her abdomen. She ripped her hands back to instinctively shield her stomach, as if she thought there may be a baby in her womb that she needed to protect. Instead, she just found a large thumbtack sticking out of her belly.

“You bitch!!” Mary shrieked at Joan, who was struggling to catch her breath.

She pulled the thumbtack out with a small squeak and her eyes widened at the sight of the glistening red blood that coated the tip.

Like before, a very guilty person appears in her eyes, and even on her face this time. She watched her blood slide down the length of the needle and drip off in thick droplets.

Drip, drip, drip...

Joan reared up like a furious ram, horns gleaming in the fluorescent lights, and slammed her entire body into Mary.

They both go down, but there’s a lot less scratching this time. Mary is jarred out of her trance and is momentarily stunned because of it. Joan lands sprawled on top of her, out of breath from that small effort alone. Her lungs and trachea just weren’t ready for that much action yet.

Still. She didn’t have any time to wait around, even as black spots fluttered across her vision each time she simply took a breath.

So, the one little part of her brain that was smarter than the rest of it was, the part that only seemed to awaken when she was in immediate danger or dying, spontaneously came back to life and drifted in over the panicked alarm bells in her head like the calm voice of the pilot’s intercom over the clamor of a falling plane full of hysterical passengers.

It was her brother’s voice.

“Joan. Do you know how much bacteria is in a human bite?”

She blinked her eyes.

Well. He wasn’t wrong.

“OWWW!!!” Mary howled as Joan clamped her teeth down on her ear. She could feel the incisors grinding against the earlobe and her golden hoop earring shifting uncomfortably. “What the FUCK?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”

Even in her pained and oxygen deprived daze, even when she couldn’t take in any air as she bites down, even as someone else’s blood seeped into her mouth, Joan still managed a small smirk.

Bet you've never got your ear bitten before, She thought. Bitch.

Mary keened in pain, smothering her face against the tile floor. She couldn’t do anything but writhe with Joan on top of her. But it’s clear Joan was getting a little cocky and that she seemed to forget how clever psychopaths really were.

Not that a tabletop mirror lying nearby made Mary clever.

The entire right side of Joan’s head exploded into bright, colorful bursts of pain as the mirror smashed against it. The glass shattered and shards are driven into her scalp. Joan swayed and then slumped over, and Mary gave her the shove she needed to fully topple to the ground.

Mary scampered backwards and then gingerly felt her ear. It was bloody and already starting to swell up. Her earring was missing, too, leaving her earlobe split in two.

Silence filled the ransacked room- aside from Joan’s moans and raspy breathing, of course.

Then, Mary laughed.

“So what if I killed a few people?” She said as she shakily rose up to her feet. “Some people have to die for others to thrive! I was just…trimming out the fat! Culling the weak! It’s what you have to do to survive in this world.”

Joan just barely managed to look up at her. There’s twin streams of blood running down one side of her face. One crosses over her eye.

“Let me put it like this,” Mary said, sensing her disbelief. “Say you and the other ladies in waiting and queens were in...the apocalypse. Alright? And there’s a group of people who want to take this food supply you found. They’re innocent, but they’re not backing down and you and your group are starving. So...” She twirled her wrist. “You do what you need to do to survive and keep those of greater value alive.”

Joan shook her head as she braced herself on her arms. Her elbows shake treacherously, barely holding her up.

“You don’t...” She wheezed out. Consciousness wavered away from her for a moment. She thought she heard the doorknob wiggle, but it was just nothing. “You can’t...think...like that.” She finally said, each word punctuated with a wince, moan, or heavy gasp. “It’s not...right...”

“If you haven’t noticed, dear, nothing is right in this world. Not anymore.” Mary said.

“No thanks...to you,” Joan grit, and then was delivered a teeth-shattering blow to her jaw.

Mary stood over the girl. She lifts the leg she used to kick Joan with and stepped on her stomach. Bending the knee, the princess applied all her pressure onto Joan’s midriff, weighing her to the ground.

“Joey, this hurts me as much as it hurts you.” She said in that crooning, hyena voice of hers. “But you have to make sacrifices sometimes. You’re just dragging everyone here down. Nobody even looks at you anymore. I’m doing you a favor by putting you down.”

“Shut the fuck up.” Joan spat.

She lifted her head and Mary struck as fast as a bullwhip, pressing it back down to the ground.

“Don’t talk over me!” Mary snapped, her pitch raising slightly. She cleared her throat. “Everything will be fine. You’re just a little blind right now. I’m helping you!”

“That’s what they all say,” Joan gurgled. “But you’ll probably get all wrapped up in killing all over again and burn the whole theater to the ground, you fucking pyro. You’d love to watch this place go up in flames and then you’ll dance on the ashes while listening to the screams of-”

“I said to not talk over me!” Mary yelled, reaching down and digging her fingernails into the red hot crevices on the back of Joan’s head. She watches in amusement as blood comes frothing out of Joan’s mouth, which is hanging open in a silent scream.

Some of that blood sprays out slightly when her lips move to form words.

“I know...your reign...smelled like...burned flesh.” She hissed out.

Mary’s mouth pulled back in a snarl.

“You don’t know anything!”

She drops Joan’s head and steps back, letting her writhe on the floor like a stabbed snake. Then, she pulls a lighter out of her pocket and runs her thumb over the smooth sides as if she thought doing such an action would calm her.

“You barely even know me.” She growled. “Nobody does! People look at me like I’m some sort of demon! Do you know what that is like?”

“It’s what you deserve,” Joan croaked. “Because you are one.”

Mary’s eyes flash. Something in her head has cracked open and every bad thing in her twisted brain is now spilling out like thousands of spiders.

“You know, I was just messing with you before. I wasn’t actually going to let you choke to death.” She said. “But now? Now I’m going to fucking kill you.” She flicked the lighter open and watched the small flame burst to life. “And when I’m done, nobody is ever going to find you.”

Mary leaned down, holding the flame dangerously close to one of Joan’s cloudy eyes.

“Any last words?”

Joan’s last words aren’t really words, per se, rather a mouthful of blood she spits in Mary’s eyes.

The princess reared back in surprise and claws her face as if she thought she had been sprayed with acid. That’s enough for Joan to gather all her strength, draw her legs back, and then drive her foot right into Mary’s knees.

Watching the princess crumple and fall like a broken doll was the highlight of Joan’s entire day. She couldn’t celebrate, though, because she knew Mary would be getting up soon, so she scrambled over to the broken tabletop mirror, raised it over her head, and—

The door flew open.

A scream.

Several screams.

There’s a whizz of gold- Aragon is rushing in. But not towards Joan, who is substantially the more injured one of the two. No, instead, she’s shoved roughly to the side and that’s finally what her conscious needed to cut out.

———

Joan awoke to blinding pain. She was moaning before she could even get her eyes open, which were much heavier than they normally were. She tried to pry them open, but that effort alone nearly made her pass out again. A muddled voice speaks to her...she thinks it’s telling her to calm down.

Something stings against Joan’s head. She whimpers sharply and tries to squirm away, but she can’t move.

“Hey. Sit still.”

Joan moaned again. She can taste copper on her tongue. It makes her stomach churn.

“Joan. Please sit still.”

Her eyes open. Light stabs into them, but she manages to make out the figure of Anne sitting beside her. She blinks dazedly at the woman.

“A...Anne...?” She croaked. Her throat hurt so much. Every word seemed to make it cave in on itself until she felt like she was choking on the syllables and enunciation.

“Hush.” Anne said. There wasn’t even a flicker of goofiness in her at that moment- her face was completely stoney and serious. “Don’t speak.”

“Wh...what...” Joan spoke anyway.

“I said, don’t talk, Joan. You’re hurt.” Anne said. “I shouldn’t even be doing this after what you did, but—”

Her voice cut off. Joan blinked up at her and saw that she’s staring at her neck.

Anne gagged. Joan’s eyes widen in alarm as the woman sprints out of the room with one hand over her mouth. She waits, but Anne does not come back.

Joan rolled off of the couch she’s lying on, recognizing the room she’s in as the shared dressing room between Cathy, Jane, and Kitty. She staggered over to the mirror, feeling like her head was about to explode with every step she took, and looked at what exactly made Anne feel so sick:

The dark, near-black bruise that encircled the entirety of her neck in the horrifying shape of hands.

—

Joan didn’t know how long she laid on that couch, feeling like her brain was oozing out through every orifice. In reality, it was probably only thirty minutes, but it was like an eternity to her before Aragon walked in.

Joan tensed, flinched, and waited to be hit or arrested by a swarm of cops that had been called, but Aragon just sits beside her head. She’s only glanced at for a moment.

“Elizabeth told me everything.” Aragon said grimly. “What Mary said...and did.”

So Joan had heard someone outside the door.

“I...I’m sorry, Joan.” Aragon whispered. “I’m so sorry... I thought she would be good this time. If I just raised her right, then she wouldn’t be the same and everyone could forget about what she did, but...”

She looked down at Joan- at the horrible bruise around her throat. Her eyes filled with tears.

“Oh my god...” She whispered. It’s obvious she didn’t think the wounds were that bad. “Oh, Joan... Oh, my sweet baby girl...”

She covered her face with her hands and began to cry, but didn’t dare touch Joan. It’s like she was scared of hurting her, too.

Joan watched her mother figure weep before gathering her strength and crawling forward so she could rest her head in Aragon’s lap. The queen gasps softly in surprise and then wraps Joan in her arms, sort of forgetting to be gentle.

“I’m so sorry, sweetheart,” Aragon sobbed. “I’m so sorry! I-I didn’t know— I didn’t—”

Joan can’t speak, so she just nuzzles Aragon as best as she could.

“We’ll get you help, baby.” Aragon told her. “I’m going to call the police. Mary will never lay a finger on you again, I promise.”

“Mama...” Joan choked out, head spinning.

“I’m right here, sweet girl.” Aragon said as she dialed the emergency line.

“999, what’s your emergency?” The operator answered.

“Please, I need an ambulance.” Aragon begged. “My daughter was attacked.”

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #409

“when everything is wrong, we move along”

Are you a good kisser? I mean there's no way for me to actually know, but I guess history suggests I'm not bad. What question do you hate being asked the most? "What does your tattoo mean?" I'm so self-conscious of my "strange" interests that I can't stand that question and I get SO awkward. I know, I know, "Then why did you even get it?" Reason being it makes me happy and I don't want my fears to win anyway. What do you think the hardest part of surviving is? Just that very thing: surviving. Getting through rough patches with your sanity and good health intact. Do you own any clothes you wouldn’t wear in front of your mother? No. Do you honestly hate anyone? Sometimes I think I still hate the girl Jason dated after me. It's entirely unjustified, and even knowing they're not together anymore (at least, to my knowledge), thinking of her just... makes me angry and jealous and just generally uncomfortable. I also sincerely hate someone who violated my best friend. What song did you hear last? I'm listening to a slowed down mash-up of "Circus" by Britney Spears and "Poker Face" by Lady Gaga. It's actually p dope man. Have you ever walked in on your friends having sex? YIKES no. Where do you find you take most of your naps? I nap in my bed. Do you like sleeping just wearing your underwear and a top? No. I had to do that once and I was SO uncomfortable. Are you named after a parent or grandparent? No. Who was the last person to ask you out? Girt. Do you have nice legs? No. Has a boyfriend’s brother ever hit on you? No. Do you have a nice butt? That's an even bigger "no." I have like, no ass lmao. What do you have a massive attraction towards? Some short Korean dude that is the literal avatar of "chaotic good" lmao. Have you ever made a sex tape? NOOOOOOO and I never will. How do you feel about your weight right now? I am immensely unhappy and just seriously depressed by it. Have your parents ever told you that you’re a disappointment? Oh my god, no. I would die. I feel like they think that, but they've never said or acted so. Do graveyards thrill or terrify you? They give me a feeling of peace, and I find them humbling as a tiny, mortal being that's only here for a flicker in time. They remind me to try and make use of that spark. What song’s your current favorite? I've really been digging "SAVIOR" by SWARM as of recently. Do you miss any of your exes? Yes. Did you ever take pottery class in high school? They didn't offer a course for specifically pottery; it was just included in Art. I made one or two things. Have you ever felt yourself fainting? A few times. Who’s the last boy to make you cry? Guess. His memory, anyway. Did he know that he made you cry? I honestly wonder what he'd think if he knew all these years later, I still have times where I cry over him. When’s the last time you felt like a total asshole? I don't really know. Has anyone ever threatened you? Yes. Would you ever own a rat? I've owned quite a lot. I LOVE rats, and a part of me wants another pair, but I'm just not a great owner of pets that require so much cleaning. Would you or do you ever spank your kids? NO. I will ALWAYS say this regarding this subject: you do not teach your children through fear, nor do you instill in them, deliberately or not, that it is okay to hit people when they upset you. Have you ever considered being a cop? Nope. What’s the longest amount of time you’ve ever kept a goldfish alive? Not long. Fish husbandry is more complicated than people make you think, so your ordinary fishbowl situation isn't going to work long. Have your parents ever questioned your virginity? My mother has. Dad has never said anything regarding this subject, thank god. That would be uncomfortable as shit. Have you ever spent over $100.00 on an article of clothing? What was it? Fuck no. Honestly, have you ever mooned or flashed somebody? No. Have you stayed up past 3 in the morning this week? Actually, yes. I pulled the first all-nighter in eons a few days back. What was on the last sandwich you had? Ham, cheese, and mustard. Do you own a trenchcoat? Bitch I wish. Name the hardiest piece of technology you own? Christ, my iPod that I've had since middle school. Seriously, a 4th gen. iPod Nano is still running, and I use it HEAVILY. I have no fucking clue how it's still alive. Tell me the last thing you searched on the internet? A definition just to make sure I was using it correctly. Are you currently in a smoking environment? Nooooo. Ma would never allow someone to smoke in here, and I honestly wouldn't either. Have you ever owned a tire swing? No. Have you ever taken care of a drunk friend? No. How about a hungover friend? No. What’s your opinion on people who go hunting for sport? You gross me out. (: Do you know anyone who can fluently speak more than two languages? No. Have you ever gone in a sauna? NOOOOOOOOOOOO. I would hate that SO much. What animal have you always wanted as a pet but couldn’t have? ALWAYS wanted? Probably a ferret. I don't actually want one now, but the idea is still nice to imagine. They're such characters. Is there any TV show that ended that you wish hadn’t? Ugggghhhh, Deadman Wonderland. It ended on SUCH a cliffhanger. I mean the manga continued, so I could've chosen to read that, but I don't read manga. Have you ever seen your parents drunk and what was your reaction? I saw my dad drunk all the time when I was younger because he was an alcoholic for as long as he lived with us. I knew he was either going to be hilarious or volatile and withdrawn. 50/50 chance. I've seen my mom drunk a couple times, and it was always surprising to me because she drinks very rarely. She's a very social and silly drunk, and it's a rare occasion where she seems happy. What’s your biggest body worry when you wear a bikini? Hunny, you would NOT see me in a bikini. Even if no one else was around, I wouldn't put one on. If you had the chance to redo high school knowing what you know now, how would you redo it? I think I probably wouldn't have dated Jason. Do you or anyone you know have an account on deviantART? I have for many, many years, and have friends that do, too. Do you get your eyebrows waxed? Not anymore. If you draw, what's one thing you always have trouble with? HANDS. Who was the first person you made out with, and where was it? Jason, in his bed. When was the last time someone said you were attractive? WOW, who the fuck even knows. Have you ever had to pretend you were sober, even though you were wasted? How did it turn out? No. Have you ever smoked at school? No. Have you ever thrown up from working out? No. Do you think machines will take over the world? I think it's a possibility. Technology keeps advancing faster and faster that I wouldn't be all that surprised if we design them to such an advanced state that they have some sort of sentience. Is the way you typically behave congruent with your ethnic background? What the ACTUAL fuck is this question. Literally fuck off. Have you ever lived in a brand new house? No. Has the last person you kissed met your father? Yes. What’s your favourite breed of dog? I have a strong bias for beagles. As far as visual appeal of breeds goes, I REALLY couldn't tell ya. There are so many beautiful dogs. Do you think more about the past, present or future? I'm pretty obsessed with the past. Do you swear in front of your parents? Dad, freely. Around Mom, I try not to say "fuck" or "goddamn" because she really doesn't like those. I still say some words, though. It's just pure habit. What’s something that’s bothering you? I've just been having envy problems lately, and it's not an emotion I'm used to or enjoy whatsoever. Have you ever been asked out by someone you didn’t want to date? Yeah. Did any particular thing brighten up your day today? Not really. Do you know who your latest ex is dating? Nobody. What are your plans for the weekend? My sister Katie and her husband are coming to visit, and we're probably driving up to a lake that Ash and her little family stay at all the time so Katie can meet the kids. But with that storm coming through, it's questionable if we'll actually go, because it's an hour drive. When were you last in a car? Earlier today to go to the TMS office. I officially start my tapering sessions, so I won't be going every day now. Have you cried today at all? No. Have you ever gone out in public in your pajamas? That is noooot rare, honestly. Depends on where I'm going. Have you ever had bronchitis? Nope. Think back to the last person you kissed, how many times have you cried in front of them? Twice, I wanna say? What do you want right this second? To actually have motivation to draw a picture I have planned. If you were offered to smoke some weed right now would you accept? No. If I weren't so opposed to smoking because of the lung damage I honestly would, though. I'm curious how it would affect my anxiety. Can you control your dreams if you realize you are dreaming? No. When was the last time you cried really hard? I'm really not sure. Do you think you can last for an hour without talking? Very, very easily. I probably do that on a daily basis. Do you know anyone else with your name? Yes, but spelled differently.

[multimetaverse]

Andi Mack 3x20 Review

We Were Here was a historic episode that finally let Cyrus and TJ canon and was the best ending the series could hope for. Let’s dig in!

It’s been a long road but Cyrus Goodman and Thelonious Jagger Kippen are now boyfriends and we witnessed two gay boys holding hands on Disney Channel. It took two thirds of the series but we’ve gone from the muffin scene to the bench scene. 

There’s a lot of obvious censorship and flaws to write about but I’ll do that later and for tonight I’d look to focus on all the good in this episode and this series.

Tyrus are the first canon gay couple on Disney Channel but they won’t be the last and one day, hopefully soon, it won’t be seen as a historic or unusual event to have LGBTQ rep on children’s tv. 

Josh and Luke did such a great job with this whole story line and they killed it in the bench scene, so much depended on their body language and facial expressions and it was a beautiful scene. When they both exhaled after holding hands, that was powerful. 

I liked that we saw Cyrus go out to initiate the conversation but it was TJ who reached out with his hand and took that risk to bring them together. A callback of sorts to his first conversation with Cyrus where he told him to ‘’walk to the muffin like you already own it’’. 

TJ has always been an active character and we saw that in full force tonight as he stood up for Cyrus and ended his friendship with Kira and then went up on stage and started playing Born This Way and of course he was the one to take Cyrus’ hand. 

The one good thing I’ll say about the Kira plot is that she was disposed of early and only got a minute of screen time and she thankfully didn’t get redeemed. Her line about TJ choosing Cyrus over her probably registers as her demanding TJ only be friends with her to kids but to those in the know it’s a clear ultimatum to either be straight with her or gay with Cyrus. Loved TJ’s line that she melted after he threw water on her. 

 Really good character development for TJ as the former bully stands up to a bully. TJ has had such an amazing arc from the mean basketball captain introduced in 2x03; there really was a nice person inside of him trying to get out and Cyrus helped him with that. And even in the finale we still learn new things about him: his name, that his mom is a piano teacher, that he plays the piano, and for the casual audience that he’s gay and likes Cyrus. 

I’d guess we’re meant to see TJ starting Born that Way as a statement of sorts on his part, especially since Cyrus is the one to start singing and he later moves to join TJ on stage and it’s their performance that leads to the bench scene. 

I’m happy that the bench itself was 3 minutes and that Tyrus got ample screen time in the finale as did Muffy. I’m glad that Luke got to choose TJ’s name and it’s very on brand that he snuck a Shrek reference into it. And kudos to Terri for getting the bench scene approved and for getting the last 40 seconds of the scene where Tyrus canons to actually air. 

It was definitely random and I did not expect them to land the rights to a Lady Gaga song but it was a fun scene and it was nice to see most of the cast involved; this must have been what Lilan meant when she said at Fan Fest that we’d see characters interacting who had never interacted before. 

Muffy was great. I’m really glad they brought Garren back, whatever other ending they would have had to write for Buffy just wouldn’t have had the same impact. Loved that they call backed to their first conversation. Liked that Marty chased after Buffy and that after she told him how she felt that he was the one to grab her hands and kiss her and then put his arm around her before they walked back in to the party. Probably the sweetest kiss we’ve seen on the series and a very fitting end for the Muffy story line. 

Liked the Jandi scene, I’m sure they’ll get back together when they’re older and I’m glad they brought the bracelet back. Jonah saying ‘’Love you Andiman’’ was so sweet and a great last line for the series. 

Bexie dancing was sweet, though I wish they had just done it at the wedding.

Did not expect Celia to be in the dino costume! Glad she got to experience the party for a bit. 

Andi got into SAVA and is going to use Andi Shack as a studio. Really sweet to take a new photo of the GHC. What an interesting convo they’ll have at the spoon the next day when Cyrus tells them what was so life changing about the party. 

Sweet lookback at the important scenes at Andi Shack.

Now we know why they needed semi-pro basketball players for the re-shoots, wonder if the flash forwards were a late addition then. 

Glad they didn’t bring up the timeline like the texts did so we don’t have to pretend the finale took place in June.

Nice to see the Mackchat kids finally be able to talk about Tyrus openly as a romantic relationship. It will go a long way to normalizing same sex relationships among kids. As they said, it’s been them all along from the muffin to the swings to the bench. 

Looking Back:

Andi Mack really was a special show. Yes it fell short at times but when it was at its best there was nothing like it on tv. It leaves a big void and I hope other shows fill it sooner rather than later. Right from the pilot to the finale it tackled so many important issues: teen pregnancy, unconventional families, therapy, financial issues, coming out, panic attacks, learning disabilities, bullying, manipulation, guns, Chinese and Jewish culture, racism, sign language, sexism, and stereotypes. 

Andi Mack made history again and again, right from Andi discovering Bex was her mother to Cyrus coming out to Buffy and Andi and Jonah and saying the words, I’m Gay, to Cyrus getting together with TJ. There are no other characters like Cyrus Goodman or TJ Kippen anywhere on kids tv and I hope we see more characters like them soon, on Disney Channel and elsewhere. 

All the cast and crew and writers deserve so much praise for making such a wonderful show and I don’t know when we’ll ever see such a talented, passionate group again. I hope they all go on to big things and find happiness and success with whatever they choose to do.

And a big thank you to all of my followers. It’s been such an honour to be part of this fandom and to have so many people read my posts and send me asks, I never imagined when I started this blog last March that I’d get so involved but I’m glad I did. I’ve made a lot of great friends and have had so much fun. This show has had one wild journey for a Disney Channel show and I’m glad we were here together to experience it. 

I’ll still be around, answering asks, liking and re-blogging posts, keeping up with any last interviews or information we get related to the show. And one last reminder to tag your posts and re-blogs with Tyrus and Andi Mack so we can get #1 on Fandometrics. Thank you for reading this long ass post and all my other long ass posts and I wish each and every one of you all the best and I hope that the memories we’ve made here and our memories of the show provide comfort as we go on with our lives. 

Love, Dave.

[purplesurveys]

718

If you lived in Bikini Bottom, would you befriend Spongebob or Plankton? Obviously Spongebob. I’m there to have a good time and catch jellyfish, not eat holographic meatloaf and make it my life’s goal to steal a secret formula. Do you have any bananas in your house right now? I think we still have some left. My dad bought a pack? a group? a bunch? of them so he can make banana cue and turon for my mom and sister while we’re all stuck at home for the meantime. Which overrated tattoo are you sick of seeing? Eh I don’t judge this easily since I assume tattoos mean a lot to people but where I’m from, line tattoos are pretty overused. They DO look nice and I get why they’ve been trending for a while, but yeah they’re evvvvvverywhere. Is it easy to distract you? Yes haha I have a rather quick attention span. Do you prefer to drink from glasses or mugs? Depends on the drink. I drink my water from a glass but I prefer my coffee in a mug, that sort of thing.

What was the last thing you taught a younger kid? I don’t feel confident teaching kids just yet, huhu. It usually works the other way around: when I’m with kids, they teach me how to play their toys or whatever game they’re playing on their parents’ phone/iPad. Are the clocks in your house mostly digital or analog? We only have one analog clock. We mostly tell the time from our phones. How long have you had your television(s)? Answered this before but we have two TVs that are 12 years old and two others that were bought within the last decade. Do you like watching movies made with CGI or do you prefer hand-drawn ones? I don’t care. As long as the end product is done well I can enjoy the movie. Where did your parents buy their car(s)? I know for sure the two family cars were bought directly from the official dealers. I think mine was a secondhand one. Do you know why your grandparents chose your mother's name? No. I think they just liked the name. That makes me want to ask my grandma though. What is your favourite kind of soup? Miso is the only one I really like. Have you ever made your own musical instrument? Nope. What do you think of Leighton Meester's singing voice? I only know one song of hers and I reeeeeally loved that when it came out, but I don’t think it’s enough for me to have an opinion for her music altogether. I definitely don’t hate her voice though. Do you think you'd do well at teaching the English language to a foreigner? Yeah, it’s my other everyday language and I’m a little bit more fluent in it than I am in Filipino. How long have your neighbours lived there? About the same time as us, I think. We all moved in at sort of the same time when the village was newly developed. Is it weird to hear your name in movies or TV shows? It’s not a very common name so it does feel a bit weird to hear, yes. It’s weirder if I have to refer to the character in third person cause I never liked saying my own name :/ Why do so many people seem to hate the Jonas Brothers? Am assuming this refers to the Jonas Brothers pre-reunion because I’m sure no one hates them and their new music now lmao. I think, simply put, it was because they were teenagers then, and pre-teen and teenage girls was their main fanbase? Most people liked to shit on that category of celebrities, even today – case in point, Justin Bieber, 5SOS, One Direction haha. What is a store you like that is exclusive to your country? Fully Booked! It’s the most complete, up-to-date, and chic bookstore brand we have. The Fully Booked branch in BGC in particular is a partnership with Starbucks, so you can immediately walk over there to get a coffee and read after buying a book heh. If you attend school, what time do you usually get home after? I always have extracurriculars like org stuff, meetings, or fieldwork after my academic schedule so more often than not I’ll get home by 9 or 10 PM, which leaves me feeling exhausted as fuck at the end of the day. When was the last time you really needed to just let loose? Like two weeks ago? I was bored out of my mind being stuck at home so I chugged a lot of soju that I asked my dad to buy so I can at least be drunk while being bored lol. Have you ever been blackmailed? Kinda. There was a time when I didn’t talk to my sister and didn’t really feel well enough to reconcile with her yet, but my mom threatened to go to our class guidance counselor and expose me and ‘the kind of older sister I am’ if I didn’t make amends with my sister immediately.

This might sound sarcastic but thanks, survey, for reminding me what kind of mom my mother actually was during the years that were the most critical to my development lmao. I always need reminders like this because despite how our relationship has ‘improved’ now that I’m older, I shouldn’t forget the trauma she caused me and the fact that I had always planned to detach myself from her as much as possible once I’m fully independent. I can’t disappoint my younger self by keeping her in my life as if nothing happened.

Do you suffer from Restless Leg Syndrome? No. I keep forgetting what that means. Would you rather have novels based on your life or a series of comic books? Novels, so I’d be more interested to read it. Have you written a resume before, either for yourself or someone else? I did a resumé when I applied for my internship. Did you know that they plan on releasing a movie based on The Smurfs? This survey is sooooooo old hah they’ve made a bunch of films on it already. Do you ever wonder what it would be like to live underwater? Not really. Mostly I’ve just wondered what it would be like to be a creature from the deep sea, where it’s totally dark and most of the animals there look prehistoric as fuck lol. Have you ever worked in a bakery? If not, would you like to? No but this question reminded me of Harry Styles, aw :’) ANYWAY if I did I’d probably take up a job in the office, since I can neither bake nor deal with people on a regular basis even if one argues that bakeries aren’t really particular spots for angry Karens or Barbaras. What is your favourite thing about snow? I like that we don’t get them because it’s bound to make my first encounter with snow in the future magical as fuck. Is there a big personality difference between you and your sibling(s)? Yeah. I tend to adapt to new environments way better than they do and I’m definitely the most extroverted of the three in all aspects.  Do you enjoy decorating things with stickers? Hahahah yes, it’s an uncontrollable urge. I keep my stickers to just my laptop case these days, but back then I used to put stickers on my phone case, my ID case, clipboard, wallet, etc. Did you lose anything recently? Did you end up finding it? I lose my hair tie every now and then; my hair’s a bit short for a ponytail now so my hair tie gradually slips out my hair with me barely noticing it, so it always ends up in random places around the house. I do end up finding it after a while but it gets frustrating whenever I realize it had fallen off again. What colour oven mitts do you have? We don’t really use the oven so we barely use the ones we have. I don’t even know the color of it.

Why do you/don't you watch award shows? Because there are sooo many commercials in the middle of it, some presenters are awkward as fuck and I’d rather save myself from the secondhand cringe, and most of the time the choices for the winners are undeserving and end up pissing everyone off. It’s always easier to just wait a few hours and check the results on Google; and besides, the only fun parts are seeing what everyone is wearing and who attends to begin with hah. What do you think of Ellen DeGeneres as the new judge on American Idol? God this was a lifetime ago. I think I mostly didn’t mind it but I never did get over the replacement of the OGs Randy, Simon, and Paula. Do you ever do the exercises featured in some magazines? No. Have you ever watched What The Buck? What do you think of it? I don’t think I’ve heard of that. How long ago did you switch from cable to satellite, if you did? We didn’t make a ‘switch,’ per se. We had cable in our old home but when we moved to our current house in 2008, having extra channels wasn’t really the priority as moving already entailed a whole lot of expenses to begin with. That meant we only had free TV for a while which was extremely fucking boring, but eventually my dad got us satellite in like 2011 or 2012. When was the last time you partnered up with someone to complete something? I decided to partner up with Andrew for my undergraduate thesis in like August last year. Do you consider Lady GaGa's appearance artistic, or just plain weird? Artistic. What do you usually do when you have trouble sleeping? I put a lengthy YouTube video on so I can fall asleep to the background noise. At least that’s what I do these days - I always thought I needed complete silence to fall asleep, but apparently that’s not the absolute case. What was the last thing you used scissors for? I opened a sachet of 3-in-1 coffee.

Have you ever used some kind of food as a facial mask? Nah I always just use Korean sheet masks. How many USB cords do you have lying around? I personally don’t have any but I do have a hard drive. Are you satisfied with your social life (or lack thereof)? I’m very satisfied with it and I’m glad I got to open up in college. Do you know anybody whose initials spell something? Sure. What is your favourite flavour of Kool-Aid? I’ve never had Kool-Aid. Is there a specific food you think NEEDS to be at Christmas dinner? My grandma’s steak. Would you be able to re-string a guitar? I wouldn’t even know where to buy guitar strings. What TV show do you just assume you wouldn't like? How I Met Your Mother, just because their fans love to make fun of and compare their oh-so-great show to Friends so much when I’ve never seen a single Friends fan make fun of HIMYM like ????? Why the one-sided, unsolicited hate??? I was always planning to watch the show and appreciate Friends and HIMYM at the same time but because the fans are so pathetic I just stopped wanting to watch it altogether. Do your friends have more money than you? Seems unfair to pit ourselves against one another when we’re all still depending on our parents’ money lmao. Who always has the power to make you feel intimidated? Ate Frances has always had a very strong personality. Do you have more bread or cheese in your house? Bread. What was the last movie trailer you saw? Not sure. I don’t really like trailers since most of them give away too much of the plots already. Did you purchase any meat product when you were at the store last? My dad did. Have you ever been told that you have chubby cheeks? Well I don’t, so no I’m not usually told this lol. Do you know how to properly use a saw? Nope. Isn't it a shame that what Kanye West did at the VMA's overshadowed what was supposed to be a night dedicated to Michael Jackson? Hahahaha not really, I found it hilarious and so so stupid. There were a billion other tributes to MJ that year that went smoothly so it doesn’t really matter to me if the 2009 VMAs will always be known as the Imma-let-you-finish VMAs.

[miasswier]

miasswier’s ultimate glee ranking: no 5

5: Theatricality

Written by: Ryan Murphy Directed by: Ryan Murphy

Overall Thoughts: For a really, really long time this was my absolute favourite episode of all time. It’s still high up there, but unlike most people I actually really enjoyed the last two seasons of Glee, so this episode got bumped down a bit. Still, there is very little I don’t like about this episode. It manages to give several characters’ stories while still focusing on the main two stories of the episode. Unlike “Dream On”, I didn’t feel like I was watching a show about Finn, Rachel, Kurt, and Shelby. I felt like I was watching Glee.

What I Like:

Figgins thinking vampires are real and talking about how they need to keep vampirism out of McKinley.

Tina looking interested when Puck says “Catholic school girl”

“Happy meal, no onions. Or a chicken”

Kurt getting so excited over Lady Gaga. Oh, honey <3

“You don’t need an appointment at super-cuts. They love walk-in’s” CLAPBACK OF THE CENTURY LADIES AND GENTLEMEN (this line makes me die of laughter every fucking time like oh my god Karofksy you are so genuinely stupid)

The Lady Gaga outfits!!!! Even Rachel’s original one, which I find hilarious and way more fitting for her personality than the one she gets later

“You look terrible. I look awesome”

“You want to name our daughter Jack Daniels? She’s a girl!” “Okay, fine, Jackie Daniels”

Shelby being honest with Rachel when she realized that she made a mistake by contacting her and that this wasn’t what she really wanted. I appreciate when characters can be honest when they mess up, even if it hurts them and other people.

Rachel being honest as well and admitting that she doesn’t feel that mother-daughter bond she always dreamed of with Shelby. I wish they’d gone a little deeper into this, but I’m still glad they mentioned it at all. Especially when Shelby says that it was when Rachel told her about her dad’s and how they would bring her water when she was sad. Shelby isn’t her mom, and it was silly for both of them to expect that. Rachel doesn’t have a mom – she has two dads. While I’m glad they explored the “where I come from” aspect of this, I’m also glad that they didn’t turn it into “I feel more connected to you because of biology than I do to my fathers who raised me”.

THAT WHOLE SCENE WITH KURT AND FINN AND BURT IN THE BASEMENT. There is so much I love about that scene. I could write an essay on that scene and how important it is. That scene literally defined Glee for me for so long. I’m so glad they did that scene.

Okay, I know it’s an insult and homophobic and gross but when Azimio says “being in football and being in Glee doesn’t make you versatile – it makes you bisexual” I always burst out laughing like oh my god I don’t know why I find that so funny.

Finn standing up for Kurt at the end. I will say though that, while I enjoy this, there are some things that I wish had been included as well, which I’ll talk more about later.

Artie and Mike being lil cuties and actually cheering for the girls and being super encouraging in their performance. Considering Artie was always portrayed as the most misogynistic of the guys, he actually is one of the few that openly and genuinely encourages the girls in their performances every fucking time.

Finn actually getting to react to seeing Puck and Quinn talk about the baby!!!!! That’s always been my biggest pet peeve – Finn literally thought he was going to be a father and that got ripped away from him, and he wasn’t ever shown to be angry about that. It was always just “oh boo-hoo Quinn cheated on me and Puck is my best friend woe is me” when really he should be mourning the loss of a child he thought was his, but then learnt was not. Like… I don’t know. Seeing him awkwardly look away reminds everyone that he genuinely thought that baby was his, and now he can’t go through this with Quinn. He’s obviously upset about it. Even though he’s a dink in this episode I still feel bad for him about this.

Will going to the effort to look into Lady Gaga and actually getting excited about her.

What I Don’t:

I already said this, but Finn is a dink in this episode. He’s getting bullied by Karofksy and Azimio, and instead of calling them out on being homophobic and sexist and engaging in toxic masculinity, he just falls into it. He turns that abuse onto Kurt, who he clearly thinks is the one who deserves the abuse. And like, I don’t get why he’s so freaked out around Kurt. Yeah, it’s obvious that Kurt has a crush on him, but when has he ever tried to make a blatant, obvious move (kiss him, touch him, grab him, etc)? When has he given Finn any reason to be worried about changing around him, or even just sharing a room with him? It’s homophobia and toxic masculinity at it’s finest. Add the whole “I don’t wanna do Gaga cause I’m a Man” bullshit that’s thrown into this episode and it’s just a mess. While I’m happy they had Finn stand up for Kurt at the end and wear the Lady Gaga outfit, it still took him being told by an older, straight man that he was being a piece of shit and homophobic and offensive and gross for him to realize what was happening. Plus, I don’t think they gave Finn enough of a chance to really redeem himself. I mean, come on, it’s really easy to say sorry and put on an outfit; actually changing your attitude is more of an uphill battle. I wish they’d re-visited this more at a later date (though not in the way they did in “Duets” when Kurt brings it up and it somehow turns on Kurt and makes Finn look like the victim which……. Fuck off)

Will being the one to tell Shelby what she needs to do with Rachel.

Will agreeing with Finn about how they always do what the girls want when the girls literally always get sidelined. Literally fuck off. I can’t stand this “boo hoo my masculinity is too fragile to perform a song by a theatrical woman I need to perform a manly song instead” “you’re right, I’ve been turning this Boys Club into a Girls Club. Time to take our manhood back!” Ew.

Finn, Puck and Matt not being supportive of the girls when they performed their awesome Gaga number. I feel like this show did that a lot – the guys don’t understand a performer, so they don’t encourage their teammates. Then, when they do a number, the girls are super supportive and encouraging. It’s annoying.

Okay, even though Finn is a dink in this episode, I still think that they shouldn’t have told him about moving in with Burt and Kurt like that. This decision affects him too – Carole should have sat him down and asked him what he wanted to do, and if they disagreed then figured out how they could come up with a compromise.

Also, yet another missed opportunity for bi!Finn! This whole episode could have been an awesome way to show internalized homophobia, especially with that line at the end where Finn is like “I am different”. But whatever.

“My dad’s can’t sow. I really need a mom right now” I mean, not every woman knows how to sow, Rachel. You clearly don’t know how to sow. Why would you assume that just because she’s technically a mother that Shelby knows how to sow?

Songs:

Funny Girl: While Idina Menzel sounds amazing in this, I find it boring and too long. It’s emotional because of Rachel, but whenever Rachel isn’t on screen I lose interest.

Bad Romance: An amazing number!!! I love when they do actual group numbers, where a bunch of them get solo lines. I think everyone except Rachel and Brittany sing in this one, which is amazing! Plus the costumes and the choreography is awesome! My only gripe is changing “I’m a free bitch, baby” to “I’m a freak, baby”, which I don’t understand cause they say the word “bitch” on Glee all the time (they literally sing a song titled “Bitch” like come on).

Shout It out Loud: An entertaining performance that is all too forgettable. I honestly can’t remember most of what happened in it, and I literally just watched it.

Beth: This song always brings tears to my eyes. It’s such an emotional moment, and the song is so melancholy. Plus Puck sounds amazing (and while I understand why the put Finn’s verse in there I still lowkey wish it had been a Puck solo).

Poker Face: I have never liked this version of the song, and I probably never will. I don’t think it transfers well to acoustic at all. I honestly cringe a little listening to it because the lyrics and the melody just don’t match up. I strongly dislike this song. No thanks.

Final Thoughts: While I wish they had gone further on a few elements, overall this episode is really strong. It’s funny (a lot of great one-liners), it’s emotional, and (with a few exceptions) has really good music. It’s definitely my favourite episode of season one, and I’ve watched it as a stand-alone more times than I can count. I really, really like this episode.

[theboywhocriedbooks]

Like a Love Story by Abdi Nazemian

[Goodreads]

It's 1989 in New York City, and for three teens, the world is changing.

Reza is an Iranian boy who has just moved to the city with his mother to live with his stepfather and stepbrother. He's terrified that someone will guess the truth he can barely acknowledge about himself. Reza knows he's gay, but all he knows of gay life are the media's images of men dying of AIDS.

Judy is an aspiring fashion designer who worships her uncle Stephen, a gay man with AIDS who devotes his time to activism as a member of ACT UP. Judy has never imagined finding romance...until she falls for Reza and they start dating.

Art is Judy's best friend, their school's only out and proud teen. He'll never be who his conservative parents want him to be, so he rebels by documenting the AIDS crisis through his photographs.

As Reza and Art grow closer, Reza struggles to find a way out of his deception that won't break Judy's heart--and destroy the most meaningful friendship he's ever known.

Thoughts:

Spoiler-Free Thoughts:

This was a book that I instantly became excited for when I learned what it was about. It discusses queer love, HIV/AIDS, NYC, the late 80’s, and those are all right up my alley. I’ve personally spent a lot of time educating myself about this history, be it in classes such as the one I took that focused on QPoC and HIV/AIDS specifically, or online, so you can say I’m pretty invested. I even wrote my own short story that focuses on similar themes (more on that some other time). Those parts of this book were so great, to an extent. One of my favorite historical moments is the St Patrick's Cathedral protest in the late 80’s, the die-in, where an individual can be heard screaming ‘You’re killing us!” and that made it into this book. So many other important historical moments made it into this book and I think that is its strongest aspect. 

I was also excited about this book because it discusses this topic AND is by a person of color, an Iranian American specifically and one of the main characters is Iranian American as well. I felt like, ‘who better to explore themes of love and friendship during this time than someone who was alive during that time and also is a person of color’, aka, a voice I don’t hear enough of when discussing this topic. So much of this book is important! The queer Iranian representation, the queer youth rep during this time in history, queer sex + safe sex, the iconic activism, and even just some of the general references. I respect this book for that alone, for attempting to tackle it all and doing some of it very well.

Unfortunately, I had a lot of problems throughout the book. I know one or two might be very biased and personal things, but I know there are some I would like others to know or talk about. This includes: love triangle/melodrama?, general pacing, Madonna, the white characters, cis-normativity, privilege, the pov’s, and more. I will discuss that below, so run to read the book (if you want) or continue to read my spoiler-ful thoughts!

Spoiler-ful Thoughts:

I feel like some of what I have to say might be controversial so bear with me. For context, I am a young queer Mexican-American writer from Los Angeles, and that’s where I’m coming from with this, identity wise.

I was so stoked to hear this history told in a PoC perspective but aside from the author being of color, I don’t actually think I got a PoC perspective??? Let me break that down. First of all, the story is a multi-pov that alternates each chapter from Reza, Art, and Judy. Realistically, 1/3 of the story is told from the Iranian American character’s eyes. Then the other two are white characters. That itself is where I began being a little iffy (because, again, I was excited about a young PoC pov on this topic) but I was open, especially because I enjoyed them all in the beginning. I just didn’t understand why we needed a straight ally’s point of view? Overall her arc fell flat, aside from the cute moments of fashion design or that moment with Reza’s brother surprisingly. I would have been okay/would have preferred if it was just Reza and Art’s pov though.

In relation to Judy, the whole romance between her and Reza and then Reza and Art was so overblown and unnecessary. Reza didn’t need to date her, though that is a valid and relatable gay teen feels. I wish it ended in that “oh!!! you’re gay, wait!! lol let’s be friends then!” thing. Instead, she’s in love with him for half the book, super pushy with sex and gets extremely upset with Art for… liking Reza, and then you don’t ‘see’ her much throughout the rest of the novel anyway? It just felt so unnecessary, and so love-triangle-y. I did really like Art’s “you don’t understand how it is to like someone and be gay” speech cos felt valid to gay teen vibes, but that could have just been said in a way less dramatic argument? It really made no sense to me.

Before we leave Judy, lets touch on privilege, specifically white privilege and class privilege. Reza’s family, was once poor but now filthy rich. Art’s family, filthy rich and white. Judy’s family, allegedly shown to not be ‘rich’ by the two lines that say “my friends’ rich parents gifted us that cos we’re not as rich as my rich friends” and yet there is really no discussion on that any deeper than that. Like why are her parents not shown working, her mother especially? And her uncle? He lives alone in an apartment in the upper east side or whatever, and doesn’t work anymore? I might have missed that but I shouldn’t be able to just ‘miss that.’ Like, how did they pay to go to PARIS. It just didn’t at all feel like a story I could relate to or one that this history could relate to entirely. Like, even them having a whole ass wake/party thing for her uncle in a night club? Most people who died of AIDS complications didn’t get that, especially not ones who aren’t from ‘not-rich-families’. It was subtle and yet the smell of privilege was everywhere.

Then even Art and Reza’s relationship was also weird? It was forbidden then it immediately wasn’t and they were in love, due to one or two time jumps that really did not help to build their relationship at all. Okay though, some teens love easily, especially gay teens who don’t know many other gay teens so it could slide? Then, however, there is this really real and valid fear ingrained in Reza regarding AIDS and gay sex. He is terrified, and I loved (and hurt) for how terrified he was because it felt reasonable. What I didn’t love was, knowing this, Art was also super pushy sexually? Do you realize he, at multiple times, tried to pressure Reza into sex and once even got naked and pushed his body against him? Doing this after full well knowing how uncomfortable Reza was? No, thank you. From the author’s note in the book, I felt like MAYBE this could have been intentional and not meant to be an extremely positive? While that could be a stretch, it also doesn’t at all criticize or directly address this toxic behavior so boop.

This brings me back to not feeling like I get a QPoC perspective. Reza is our main queer person of color, and really the only prominent one (Jimmy was a rather flat character). Yet, everything else revolves around whiteness. I already addressed Judy taking up space as a narrator. Then there is Art, the super queer activist teen. He is mostly where Reza learns all the queer things from, and he is mostly the perspective where we see the queer action/activism from. Then, who is the elder HE learned everything from? Stephen, the gay white poz uncle of Judy. THEN, who do they frame EVERYTHING around? Madonna, the straight white woman. 

Sure we hear about Stephan’s deceased Latino boyfriend and, as I said, Jimmy didn’t have much character to him aside from wearing a fur coat, saying “my black ass,” and helping move Stephan’s character along. He also has one of the few lines that directly addressed qpoc, where he says qpoc are disproportionally affected by AIDS but no one is talking about it. Ironic. It almost rarely addressed PoC throughout the rest of the novel. Heck, it almost never addressed trans characters either. What about the qpoc and trans woc who were foundational to queer rights movements that take place before this book? Sure he name drops Marsha P. Johnson, in passing, on the last page of this 400 page book, but why not mention them in depth even in one section?

Someone asked me, why does the author HAVE to do all of this. Why do they have to representing everyone, like Black trans women. Isn’t that unfair? My answer is no, it’s not unfair in situations like this. This author isn’t writing just a casual romance/friendship story. No, he is heavily touching on so much literal queer history and yet leaving out so many key players that are so often left out because of white-washing that happens in history. He didn’t even have to name these people, but just addressing that they are there as a community. Instead we get two or three throwaway lines about Ball culture after they “went to a ball that one time,” a random line from Jimmy, and a Marsha P. Johnson name drop at the end. It is honestly disappointing. 

Even framing everything in the words of Madonna was a bit much for me. Sure, I know of her history and importance to queers so this is one of the more biased parts of this review. I just don’t think we needed several references to her every other page. I then screamed when, not only did we time jump like 20+ years (gays don’t do math, sorry) and the last quote is Lady Gaga! Oh, my god. I won’t linger on the white popstar allies because it’s not worth it. In regards to that time jump, though. It felt unnecessary as well, just trying to tie it all up with a bow. It’s reference to Pulse seemed random, and honestly felt a bit cheap, but so did lots of the things I’ve referenced. 

Lastly, why did Art abruptly lick Reza’s lips out of nowhere, or when he was angry it was shown by saying “ and his brow sweats”? Anyway, I’m bummed out. I haven’t been reading as much this year or writing reviews but here I am, writing a novel-sized review basically dragging this book. I liked it enough to finish, and I think it’s important. I know some queer kids reading this will love it and learn from it but I just couldn’t help but realize that right under the surface, this book was sort of a let-down.

Thanks if you read all of this, and also sorry at the same time. Share your thoughts!

[maydaymadier]

Fannar Playlist Breakdown

idk, I’m procrastinating so I’m gonna explain all the songs on the Fannar playlist

Immigrant Song, Led Zeppelin  basically my inspirations are showing here, Fannar’s original concept was ‘Well the MCU writers can do whatever the fuck they want with Loki so so can I’ so I pulled this one from the Thor: Ragnarok soundtrack, on a lesser note  “We come from the land of the ice and snow/From the midnight sun, where the hot springs flow/The hammer of the gods/W'ell drive our ships to new lands/To fight the horde, and sing and cry/Valhalla, I am coming!” and he’s literally from a place called The Frozen North

Bohemian Rhapsody, Queen The only family member whose opinion matters to Fannar anymore is his mom.  There’s also just the general level of dramatic thinking that happens when grievously injured and believing you’re about to die. “Mama, ooh,/Didn't mean to make you cry,/If I'm not back again this time tomorrow,” is probably about what he was thinking when he was

Bleeding Out, Imagine Dragons bleeding out at the bottom of an abyss, back mangled and painfully aware that he was about to die, a Fannar backstory jam, this one lines up with when Fannar made his warlock pact with Auril 

Monster, Lady Gaga He just vibes with this one, I think Fannar would fucking love this song

Judas, Lady Gaga Once again, I just think he vibes with this one, he just vibes with it

Fox on the Run, Sweet OH MAN,  this works on multiple counts.  Fannar starts off the campaign as a ‘fox on the run’ bc he’s like, a trickster running away, avoiding home, ALSO “I - don't wanna know your name/'Cause you don't look the same/The way you did before/Okay - you think you got a pretty face/But the rest of you is out of place/You looked alright before” works super well bc Fannar literally grew up with a different face, and he lost it bc of backstory so this would be a random person from The Frozen North talking about him.

Surrender, Cheap Trick I don’t know, I think I just got Fannar vibes from it?  A family with a really weird, vaguely dysfunctional dynamic?  The parents have weird pasts and that’s reflected in the kids?  Yeah, that checks out.

Dead and Gone, The Black Keys Early in his pact Fannar, still presumed dead by anyone who’d previously known him, and at his patron’s beck and call  “So long/Why you waiting so long?/After every single word is said/I'm feeling dead and gone”

Sinister Kid, The Black Keys Fannar, especially early on, was wildly, blatantly self-destructive, not even trying to hide it.  “A sinister kid is a kid who/Runs to meet his maker/A drop dead sprint from the day he's born/Straight into his maker's arms/And that's me, that's me/The boy with the broken halo/That's me, that's me/The devil won't let me be”

The Kids From Yesterday, My Chemical Romance idk, I don’t remember why I originally added this one.  But it’s probably just some Fannar-reflecting-on-his-past from time to time

Sleep, My Chemical Romance Admittedly, Fannar’s done some pretty shitty things, but he’s a lot harder on himself than anyone else is, “Undeserving of your sympathy 'Cause there ain't no way that I'm sorry for what I did” so it’s easier to just own it and revel in the idea that he’s a bad person who isn’t sorry than admit to anything.

Once Upon a December, Liz Callaway (Anastasia) BACKSTORY JAM!!!!!!  This is like,,,,baby Fannar, his present self is so detached from who he was as a small child that that whole part of his life doesn’t really feel real.  He knows it happened, but it’s such a 180 he can’t properly wrap his head around it.

One Way Or Another, Blondie Early on in the campaign he was being tracked down by someone, who later turned out to be his Nana Frostyears (his childhood governess, i guess i’ll call her a governess), tracking him down to bring him home to save the kingdom

Unknown Brother, The Black Keys This is more from his brother Orvar’s perspective, Orvar trying to wrap his head around what happened to his baby brother Fannar as an outsider looking in.  “Though I never met you/And we spoke not a word/I'll never forget you/Through stories that I have heard/For you unknown brother/My baby's mother's pained/Because your soul is in heaven/But your memory remains”

Death By Glamour, Toby Fox The ranger (Isorropia) and the druid/DM1 (Thrain) were talking about Fannar amongst themselves and decided that it fit him and I was inclined to agree.

Don’t Stop Me Now, Queen Fannar, a few years post-backstory, come into himself, still an impulsive bastard but he’s having fun now.

Dinner & Diatribes, Hozier Look, I’m sorry but a lot of songs are gonna be on here bc they’re horny and this is one of them.  This could be Fannar’s pov, it could be an attractive stranger interested in Fannar’s pov, it could go either way.   “Honey, this club here is stuck up/Dinner and diatribes/I knew it from the first look of/The look of mischief in your eyes”

Movement, Hozier yet another Horny Song, but this time a little more, awed by the other person bc when Fannar decides he wants to sleep with someone he goes big or goes home and sets his sights on impressive people......like a dragon  “I still watch you when you're groovin'/As if through water from the bottom of a pool/You're movin' without movin'/And when you move, I'm moved”

Blame It On The Girls, MIKA OH BOY this pretty aptly sums up Fannar’s attitude and attitudes abt various family members, this song is just, a perfect summary of Fannar, though I guess it’s more someone describing him as opposed to Fannar saying it himself  “Blame it on the girls who know what to do/Blame it on the boys who keep hitting on you/Blame it on your mother for the things she said/Blame it on your father but you know he's dead”

Burning Pile, Mother Mother sometimes Fannar’s bullshit, baggage, and mistakes catch up with him and the easiest thing to do is to torch it.  why would he ever actually deal with it fully?   “All my troubles on a burning pile/All lit up and I start to smile/If I, catch fire then I change my aim/Throw my troubles at the world again”

cherubim, serpentwithfeet ANOTHER horny song but this is specifically abt someone!  There’s a character that I have Fannar paired off with in my canon-compliant writing, Renault, the War King of Ragnas.  Who, well, Fannar started off as a consort but then it turned out that he really liked him, and he felt the same way and it’s probably the best romantic relationship of Fannar’s life so he feels a certain level of devotion to Renault.  “Boy, every time I worship you/My mouth is filled with honey/Boy, as I build your throne/I feel myself growing”

Savior, St. Vincent [lord farquaad pointing meme] horny, Fannar is more than willing to fill sexual roles for people, fulfill what other people think of him because that’s easier than having his own concrete identity, though he knows it has its limits “You dress me up in a nurse's outfit/It rides and sticks to my thighs and my hips...... Honey, I can't be your savior/Love you to the grave and farther/Honey, I am not your martyr”

Moment’s Silence (Common Tongue), Hozier [lord farquaad pointing meme but deep fried] HORNY Look, Fannar knows what he’s about, and also maybe sometimes he can be horny in an emotional way that makes him a little bit sappy abt the present events  “Be thankful some know it lovingly/There the reason comes in the common tongue of your loving me”

Low Lays the Devil, The Veils okay, I originally put this on here bc I think it was a recommended song on a different playlist and i wanted to save it and so i saved it to Fannar’s playlist bc it fit that one best.  Overall, just a general allusion to Fannar’s fiendish heritage as a tiefling I suppose and also how he generally likes to hype people up to by proxy hype himself up   “High as the heavenly sea/Low lays the devil in me...Come lay your head on my lap/And let your hair fall back/You've got to live with yourself”

Save A Horse (Ride a Cowboy), Big & Rich Okay, I added this jokingly bc I managed to convince myself that Fannar would fucking love this song, absolutely jam out to it while he’s fucking wasted.  Also, maybe his type is ‘Cowboy’ and that’s hella valid of him.

Horns, Bryce Fox He’s a tiefling!  A tiefling with very prominent horns!  He’s gotta learn to take pride in that shit and learn how to think of them as attractive

It’s Hard to Be Humble, Mac Davis Look, Fannar knows how to hype himself up and strut and preen like the peacock he is, being humble is not a part of his persona

Little Lion Man, Mumford & Sons hahahahaha, scratch through Fannar’s exterior deep enough and you’ll easily find someone who was put through a fucking meat grinder and had his identity crumbled into a million jagged bits.  He maybe could have been a great wizard, and insightful advisor to his brother when he became king, but instead he was broken and choked on the poison poured into his mind   “Tremble for yourself, my man,/You know that you have seen this all before/Tremble little lion man,/You'll never settle any of your scores/Your grace is wasted in your face,/Your boldness stands alone among the wreck/Now learn from your mother or else spend your days biting your own neck”

You’re My Best Friend, Queen I needed a song for Fannar and Isorropia.  Isorropia is his best friend (and tbh he considers her to be like a sister, though he doesn’t really expect her to feel the same way) and he feels very strongly about her.  He would kill a man for Rope.

Everybody Wants To Rule the World, Tears For Fears A pretty central even in Fannar’s backstory was his trying to take the throne of his home kingdom and he generally cares about being in control of himself and his situation, having no control over what’s happening to him is not a good time

I Don’t Know What We’re Talking About, Ninja Sex Party Okay, there’s a running thing where whenever we’re in a bathhouse or something I’ll just shout out “Fannar disassociates in the bath” which started off as a joke but then I realized Fannar doesn’t like being alone with his thoughts or his body.  He didn’t grow up with this tiefling body and as much as he can claim to be comfortable with himself, he can’t always manage to put his money where his mouth is.  There was one notable time where Fannar was completely checked out in the baths in this inn in Vulcanica and the party managed to chase a guy down into an alley and fight him, all while Fannar stayed sat in the bath.  (See also, this is why Fannar is such a promiscuous character, he’s trying to assert confidence in his body by being overtly sexual)

Catch Me Now I’m Falling, The Kinks Ya boi fell.  He notably fell into a massive fucking abyss and it would have killed him had he not made his pact with Auril

Emperor’s New Clothes, Panic! at the Disco Big Fannar vibes, he’s big and dramatic and as someone who grew up among nobility and hated it he knows how to clock fake people who clothe themselves in pretension and importance.  Also lowkey speaks to his ambitions to become an archfey himself someday  “Sycophants on velvet sofas/Lavish mansions, vintage wine/I am so much more than royal/Snatch your chain and mace your eyes/If it feels good, tastes good/It must be mine/Heroes always get remembered/But you know legends never die”

Don’t Threaten Me With A Good Time, Panic! at the Disco What can I say besides Fannar is a party animal

Somebody To Love, Queen HE’S JUST A BIG DUMB GAY WHO MASKS HIS EMOTIONS BUT DEEP DOWN WOULD REALLY LIKE TO JUST GENUINELY BE LOVED, HE’S GOT PLATONIC LOVE IN THE FORM OF HIS INTER-PARTY FRIENDSHIPS BUT HEY HE’D LIKE SOME ROMANCE TOO PLEASE AND THANKS (SHOUTOUT TO RENAULT)

Viva La Vida, Coldplay More backstory allusion stuff, he was a big dumbass who wanted to rule but his reputation crumbled around him and all of those ambitions became untenable.

[buckthegrump]

Hands of Fate - 4

Summary: You have a secret. It’s a secret that you’ve been able to keep hidden from the world for years (with the help of one other person). But after a run-in with a group of HYDRA agents, you find yourself at the Avengers compound. And it’s proving harder and harder to keep your secret especially with one particularly observant supersoldier who doesn’t seem to trust you.

Word Count: 1888

Warnings: Some violence, angst (kind of), swearing

Pairing: Bucky x Fem!Reader (Eventually)

A/n: if you want to be added to the tag list send me an ask, please. Previous parts on my masterlist

Despite your resistance and against your better judgment, you were becoming friends with these people, well, except Bucky but you didn't mind that at all.

Natasha continued to train you and you continued to surprise her with your fighting skills. She kept making comments about how you didn’t need lessons but you pushed and got your way.

Steve, who you kind of hated, only because you kept showing him different food combos that should at least slow him down. But they never did thanks to his superhuman metabolism.

Tony and Rhodey were fun because it was easy to start an agreement between the two of them, it was all in good fun but sometimes they walked away from each other.

Thor and Clint weren’t around because they had other business to attend to.

You only really hung out with Vision and Wanda in group settings because you didn’t want them to find out your secret.

Sam was a secret prankster and somehow he’d dragged you into one that he was pulling on not just Tony but the entire team. He talked Rhodey into joining the tomfoolery. You were on lookout while Rhodey and Sam worked on the plan.

“Why are we doing this?” Rhodey asked.

“Because I have a new goal,” Sam answered.

“Which is?”

“Sam wants to see how many pranks he can pull off before people catch him, which includes pulling pranks that might never see the light of day,” you told Rhodey.

“Sam, no offense,” Rhodey said and Sam paused and looked at him, “This is genius.”

You rolled your eyes, “Oh god. This is going to become a regular thing isn’t it?”

“Yes,” Sam answered, “And you will be our look out for all of them.”

“Great,” you muttered.

A few minutes later they were done and the three of you went your separate ways acting cool for the rest of the day.

/

“Are you sure you’ll be fine here?” Tony asked.

They were all leaving on a few different recon missions that would last over the course of a few days leaving you alone with Bucky.

“Yes, dad I’ll be fine,” you told him for the millionth time.

You had been there for almost 3 months now and they had made multiple promises about being so close to finding the guys that had attacked you. And even though you should’ve been, you weren’t in a giant rush to get out of here.

You had kept your distance from Wanda because your head was started to hurt and you didn’t know how long you could keep up the shield.

“Ok, we’ll be back in a few days,” Steve said walking up next to Tony, “If you need anything or need to go out for any reason talk to Bucky and he’ll take you.”

“Doubt it,” you muttered.

“He will,” Steve said giving Bucky a look.

Bucky grumbled something unintelligible and walked off.

The rest of the team left and you were now alone in the compound with Bucky Barnes.

“Fun times,” you said under your breath.

Finding things to occupy your time would’ve been easier if you hadn’t already blown-through all the shows and movies you could stand to watch on Netflix and Hulu.

With nothing else to do you made your way to the gym. You walked in and there was music blaring from the speakers. Bucky was using the punching bags so you stationed yourself at the treadmills. You don’t know what you expected Bucky to listen to while working out but it definitely wasn’t pop from the late 2000s/ early 2010s but the all too familiar sound of Just Dance by lady gaga was filling the training area so much that he didn’t appear to hear you enter.

Normally after you finished on the treadmill you’d practice hand to hand combat but you’d only ever done that with Natasha so you did a little awkward dance not sure if you should find another type of workout to do or just take a shower and do something else.

“I could teach you somethings ya know,” Bucky said not breaking his punching pattern.

“Or you could do something that would actually be useful and take me back to my apartment, Steve and Natasha left something behind,” you said trying not to look at him.

He stopped and walked over to you. He wasn’t wearing a shirt so you got a full view of his very attractive torso. You tried not to stare at him, but that was proving difficult when beads of sweat kept dripping down drawing your attention to his chest. He put a short-sleeved shirt on and looked at you.

“Why would I do that?” He asked looking annoyed.

“Because if I go somewhere you go somewhere,” you reminded him, “Wasn’t that the deal?”

He sighed heavily, “fuck.”

An hour later you were sitting on the back of Bucky’s motorcycle. You were holding on to his waist tighter than you needed too but you couldn’t stop yourself. Once he stopped the bike you wasted no time getting off the bike.

“Not a fan of motorcycles are ya doll?” Bucky smirked.

You glared at him not trusting your voice to hold steady. He did look incredibly hot on his bike but you’d never admit that to anyone. He got off the bike and followed you into your old building. You realized as you walked in that this was probably the last time that you’d be in that building because as soon as this whole mess was taken care of, you were leaving town.

As you walked up to your old apartment Bucky started talking.

“So what’s so important that you had to get me to bring her you here to get it?” Bucky asked.

You debated telling him because it was kind of personal.

“Something that my mother gave to me,” you told him and he stopped and grabbed your arm.

“We’re risking our lives so you get something that your mother gave to you?”

You ripped your arm from Bucky’s grasp and glared at him.

“Yes,” you sneered and continued to your apartment.

Once inside you could tell something was off instantly and normally you wouldn’t bother but if you were going to stay at the compound indefinitely you needed that necklace. You knew exactly where it was so you made your way to the bedroom with Bucky right on your heels.

You opened the door to find a man standing there with a gun pointed at you.

“Found you,” he beamed like the two of you had been playing the most intense game of hide-and-seek.

He cocked the gun and before you knew what to do Bucky was standing in front of you and taking the bullet. The HYDRA agent then repositioned his gun and shot but Bucky blocked it with his left hand. You almost cried out at the thought of him having a bullet hole in his hand before it ricocheted off his hand and you remembered that he had a metal arm.

Bucky took the gun from the man and shot him before you could register what was going on. You watched the HYDRA agent’s lifeless body fall to the ground.

“Oh shit,” you whispered and Bucky glared at you.

“Would you rather of had me let him live?” Bucky demanded.

“No,” you said meekly, “I just have never seen someone die before.”

Bucky’s face softened slightly at your admission.

“Go get your thing,” Bucky said softly.

You nodded and walked over to the nightstand and opened the drawer. There just laying carelessly on the wood was the compass necklace your mother had given you when you first showed signs of having powers.

You pulled up the necklace and placed it on your neck.

“A necklace? We almost died for a necklace?” Bucky asked in disbelief.

“I think that’s a little dramatic,” you said as you rolled your eyes.

Bucky gestured to his side, “I’ve been shot!”

You looked down at his right shoulder and there was in fact, a gunshot wound that wasn’t bleeding as much as you thought it should be.

You grimaced, you had completely forgotten that he’d stepped in front of you to take a bullet.

“Let’s get out of here,” he sighed.

The trip back to the compound was seemed shorter than the trip to your old place.

Once inside Bucky made his way to the infirmary and for some reason, you followed him. He looked around for something.

“Do you need help finding something?” You asked.

“I need tweezers or something to get this bullet out,” he grunted.

“It’s still in you?”

He turned to you slowly and gave you a look.

“Ok,” you said defensively, “Sit down and I’ll help you.”

He grumbled something in Russian but he did as you said. He sat on an exam table and continued to grumble in languages you didn’t understand.

Clearly, Bucky suffered from right-in-front-of-your-fucking-face syndrome because you found the tweezers after looking for a literal second. You walked over showing off the tweezers triumphantly.

“Сволочь,” he muttered.

“Such strong language,” you said.

He looked at you confused.

“You know Russian?” He asked incredulously.

“Not really,” you say and motion for him to lay back so you have a better opportunity to get the bullet, he lays back not taking his eyes off you. “But I know when someone is cursing. Cursing is a universal language.”

He grunted noncommittally and squirmed.

“I can’t get the bullet out if you keep moving!” You told him firmly.

“It hurts,” he sneered.

“It would hurt less if you stopped moving so much,” you spat and he glared but stopped moving.

You moved his shirt up his abdomen and inspected the wound. You were poking and prodding the flesh around the wound and every time you touched it Bucky would flinch a little, it gave you a little bit of joy.

Even with a bullet wound you couldn’t help but admire his physique and that irked you.

You bit your bottom lip.

“Thank you,” you said softly.

“For what?” Bucky groaned.

“For taking the bullet for me.”

“It’s my job,” he said.

“And you only did it because it’s your job?” you glanced over at him.

“Yeah, and because if you’d died on my watch I’d have to do a lot of paperwork,” he said.

“Great I’m glad I didn’t become an inconvenience for you,” you said and pulled the buttled from his side and he groaned.

You smiled and walked away. You were freaking out a little bit. You had accidentally healed him you used your healing power to heal him subconsciously while you pulled the bullet out. You knew because you could feel the current running through you and into him.

He was for sure going to figure it out, but at least it was just the healing power.

/

An hour later Bucky’s wound was completely healed scar and all. Which was odd, it usually took at least two hours for a GSW to heal. But typically he didn’t get it taken care of it within the hour so maybe taking better care of his body more often.

But that night he couldn’t stop thinking about how quickly his wound healed and he was sure it wasn’t just because he took care of it quickly.

[vinspiration-book]

Son of Palaven, Daughter of Earth Playlist

Based on the story by miceenscene

Story Here

Spotify Playlist Here

Playlist Status: Synced up to ch. 47

This wonderful piece of fanfiction inspired me to create a soundtrack for it.  Here is a track listing and some thoughts about each piece.  I try to pick thematic tracks for each story beat, while still retaining a rhythm between each song.

1. The Arranged Marriage - Gavin Luke

An instrumental piece by film composer Gavin Luke is the overture.  Anxious and urgent, it depicts a quiet, unhappy uncertainty that is nevertheless peppered by bright chords.  Combined with the name, it sets the tone for Shepard and Garrus’ unwilling journey into matrimony.

2. I Still Taste Fire - Stephanie Mabey

“I woke up with ashes in my mouth”

Shepard’s beginning theme.  A dark and driving song of regret and grit.  Shepard feels that she, Flaming Death, has personally lost the war and didn’t even get to see the ending.  The line “Thought I'd always remember what it felt like / To want you / But it's all kind of hazy now / Almost like I burned it down” normally refers to a lover, but in Shepard’s case, the “you” is an end to the war that she thought she wanted.  Now that the price of peace is her freedom, it's a bitter thing to swallow.

3. This Means War - Marianas Trench

“I hate to admit it but I miss the war”

Garrus’ beginning theme.  Whereas Shepard’s song was all seriousness and loss, Garrus can never quite be 100% sass-free.  So we get this jocular tune about having to play nice with someone even though you’d rather be fighting them.

4. Can’t Be Tamed - Miley Cyrus

“If you try to hold me back I might explode”

The wedding: Shepard’s view.  Deep in enemy territory, forced to participate in a ritual meant to demean her and her species, Shepard is nevertheless putting on a fierce display, just like the brash attitude of this number.  The irony of the song is that the singer keeps repeating over and over how she can’t be tamed; almost as if no one believes her?  Also includes the line “I'm like a puzzle / But all of my pieces are jagged” which has a double meaning that ties in to the story: as Garrus says much, much later both literally and metaphorically, “[A puzzle] is the best thing you could have gotten me”.

5. Love Runs Out - OneRepublic

“I'll be doin' this, if you ever doubt, / 'Til the love runs out”

The wedding: Garrus’ view.  Is this a romantic song, or a resigned one?  Or is it duplicitous?  Garrus may be a bad turian, but he’s still obedient to the Hierarchy, even if it’s only going through the motions and hoping for an escape.  The driving punch of the bass notes echoes this sentiment in a song that could be read as either loving commitment or bitter commitment.  It contains a lot of fire imagery too, especially the singer being someone to help someone else start a fire… perfect for being tied to Flaming Death. The song also mentions an (arch?)angel and the strong influence of the singer’s mother, both of which are important to the story.

6. Poker Face - Lady Gaga

“Russian Roulette is not the same without a gun”

Spying: Shepard’s view.  So Shepard and Garrus only ever play a board game in this story rather than poker, but come on.  It’s Poker Face.  It’s the best song ever about selfishly conning your partner to further your own high-stakes goals.

7. Fraud - Jonathan Coulton

“Sharp teeth test your skin / Too late, you let an angel in”

Spying: Garrus’ view.  This song takes a more meditative approach to being disingenuous, but just about every verse is packed with imagery that pairs perfectly with the story, from unwanted houseguests, to painting, fighting, and losing.  The refrain is even about an angel with fangs!

8. Didn’t Know You - Karmin

“Like a bird of prey / Out of nowhere you came / Do you always get your way?"

The reports: Shepard’s view.  An angry song about being the victim of deception and invasive tactics.  The singer talks especially about upending their entire life (setting “dreams ablaze”--fire imagery again) for the sake of someone who turned out to be a liar that controls their every move.  Turians are sometimes referred to as “birds” as a pejorative in Mass Effect, making the repeated line fit even more.

9. Can’t Go to Hell - Sin Shake Sin

“This romance with ignorance has left us behind”

The reports: Garrus’ view. Unlike Shepard’s reaction to finding the reports--which is very much about personal betrayal--Garrus’ reaction is a more public outcry about the situation going FUBAR.  One of the central tenets in ME canon about Shepard and Garrus’ relationship (to the point that even the characters themselves talk about it in these terms) is that he willingly follows her into hell every single time.  This makes the bitter anger of the chorus (“We can’t go to hell if we’re already there”) especially poignant.  The second verse evokes Shepard and Garrus’ situation closely too, mentioning being “blind by design” and stating “...history keeps getting paid to change its mind”, which is the purpose of the arranged marriage in the first place.

10. Home - Machine Gun Kelly & X Ambassadors

“Now tell me, how did all my dreams turn to nightmares?”

Shepard and Garrus: no extraction.  A rare male/female duet of frustration and longing for respite that neatly applies to the protagonists’ mindsets.  Both Anderson and the Hierarchy have turned away their soldiers, leaving them in this untenable situation.  Though they arrived at it differently--and aren’t commiserating at this point--Shepard and Garrus are feeling the same thing now:  They must continue to live together, but there’s no way this life can bring them any happiness or rest.

11. Hide and Seek - Imogen Heap

“Speak no feeling, no, I don't believe you”

Shepard is broken, and so is Garrus, a little.  This haunting acapella song (delivered in dual-toned overdub kind of like how a turian speaks, interestingly) was famously used by a TV drama for an overly dramatic murder scene, and then used again by Saturday Night Live to spoof that scene.  But Hide and Seek is technically about a divorce… and how a former home now becomes unrecognizably empty as the former couple moves out and apart.  Although they can’t separate, this is essentially what has happened to Shepard and Garrus.  Shepard tries to “live” as little as possible in the house while still being confined to it.  Garrus tries to escape to work.  

12. Rumble - Hi Fashion

“He said, she said / You better mind your space”

The alley brawl.  A complete turnaround from the previous song, this abrupt battle anthem (sung by dual tones again, and with a notable mention of a man and a woman both throwing the punches) is both high-energy, but also a slower tempo than you’d expect.  The effect is that of measured, precise violence rather than a chaotic frenzy; perfect for trained soldiers giving a beatdown.  Canon Shepard gets ribbed for being an awful dancer--outside of the battlefield, at least, giving an ironic twist to the dance imagery in the lyrics.  But this is technically the first time in the story that Shepard and Garrus are in sync: their first metaphorical dance together.

13. Hammer to Fall - Queen

“Tow the line and play their game / Yeah, let the anesthetic cover it all”

Medigel.  This story's version of Shepard loves Queen, and this song provides the title for the story’s later chapters, so it had to be on the soundtrack of course.  A disillusioned anthem to soldiers who are asked to fight wars for reasons someone else decided, it describes Shepard and Garrus’ situation perfectly--their lives have been ruined because of Fedorian’s unjust war.  Even though this is a small snippet of background to the story, it’s nevertheless a critical turning point, when Garrus realizes just how badly Shepard has been wronged… and that he himself contributed to it.

14. Karma - Marina

“So vicious, this cycle / When you live in sweet denial”

The apology: Shepard’s view.  Garrus apologies to Shepard, but she doesn’t know how to take it.  She’s skeptical, and with good reason.  Although this song is talking about a great deal of betrayal, the tone is less angry--or even melancholy--than weary and aloof.  The singer has made what peace she can with the situation, and is just waiting to see how everything plays out, rather than actively wishing harm on someone.  Karma is usually about an equal return of bad experiences, but Shepard is too defeated at this point to really care about that.  Garrus’ distress at his actions is actually better karma than if he himself were to be betrayed.

15. I Won’t Let You Down - OK Go

“Maybe all you need is someone to trust”

The apology: Garrus’ view.  Garrus is a man of action, and this upbeat track wastes no time in sorrow, instead attempting to reach out to the wounded party with a direct promise of support.  The lyrics talk about people who have every right to be distrustful, even using battle imagery (“no flag to fly”, “strap that armor tighter on”)... but rather than trying to get past their defenses, the singer encourages the downtrodden to fight harder--together.  A very Garrus point of view.

16. Rumors - Lindsay Logan

"You're probably gonna write what you didn't see”

The interview.  Ah, Khalisah.  A pretty straightforward song about paparazzi doing what paparazzi do, sung by the aggrieved celebrity.

17. One Shot - Rob Thomas

"We get one chance to make this kickstart”

Bottle shooting at the valley.  While Shepard and Garrus fire a lot of rounds during this little date, it's the final shot that's the most important.  Garrus' previous actions since their fight have been peace offerings, but this is his first actual gift to Shepard.  He gives Shepard his crown just to see her smile.  Essentially, his first romantic gesture is literally “one shot”.  The sentiment pairs perfectly with this energetic tune about starting something rare and good.

18. Souvenir - Johnnyswim

“It's those little things that I hold dear”

Terra Goods.  At this point, Shepard and Garrus are starting to do things to really support each other in little ways and in big ways, culminating in Garrus creating a whole souvenir trading company just to make Shepard happy.  This song, a duet that alternates between jaunty and staid, talks about a couple that had a brief good time, then separated due to some unnamed conflict.  Now they both think fondly of their time together, making souvenirs of the memories.  Both singers individually wish for another chance, while not realizing the other person does too.

19. DJ Got Us Fallin’ In Love - Usher, Pitbull

“I think I remember those eyes”

Clubbing with Solana.  This throbbing dance tune is simple enough that even Shepard could probably keep to the beat.  Seeing Shepard (attempting to) dance is one of the first moments where Garrus is physically attracted to her.

20. Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen

“Easy come, easy go / Little high, little low”

The walk back.  Shepard sings this most famous Queen song as she stumbles home under Garrus’ watchful eye.  It describes a murderer with a guilty conscience, which Shepard is somewhat.  She’s killed a lot of turians, but now they are people to her instead of monsters.  Shepard probably isn’t thinking about that, though… it’s just a fun song to sing when you’re drunk.  Or anytime.

21. Livin’ in the Sunlight, Lovin’ in the Moonlight - The Good Johnsons

“I’m right here to stay”

Splashing in the fountain.  This whimsical cover of an old song is just silly enough for Shepard’s drunken water foray.  Although it’s been building for a bit, it takes hard liquor for Shepard to admit she might be happy on Palaven.  But there’s a slight undercurrent of the singer not believing their own message.  The line “I’m as free as any daughter” is especially ironic in this context.

22. Mom - Meghan Trainor

“Ain’t nobody got a mom like mine”

Visiting with Galena.  Shepard’s relationship with Garrus’ mother is one of my favorite parts of the story, and it’s one of the things that cements Shepard’s feeling that she may just belong here.  It’s also significant that even though Shepard is starting to love Garrus, she can only express love towards his mother at first.  In a way, loving Galena teaches Shepard how to love Garrus.  Hence why this story beat gets its own song.

23. With A Little Help From My Friends - The Beatles

“Are you sad because you're on your own?”

The care package.  Finally, Shepard finds out that Earth hasn’t completely abandoned her.  This song especially talks about isolation when your lover is not there, and how friends can help you through it.  When Garrus isn’t there, Shepard is almost totally alone on the planet, so learning her squad still supports her is a huge relief.

24. Tongues - Joywave, KOPPS

“Tell me all the things I've missed”

Ashley.  This furtive song is about returning to where you are from, only to find out you are now a stranger to them.  While Shepard’s argument with Ashley is a little more circumspect than that, the gist is that Shepard learns that even though she now has this lifeline back to Earth, she’s not welcomed like she was before… which is just what she has been fearing since her interview with Khalisah.

25. Unbreakable - Jamie Scott

“I won't let you fall down now”

Garrus comforts Shepard and comes to a realization.  This song of gentle encouragement talks about a woman who has lost everything, and the man who wants to love her regardless.  It’s emotive and warm and seems to capture just what Garrus is thinking as Shepard cries in his arms.

26. War Paint - Fletcher

“I write the colors on my face”

The dress shop.  Keslia describes the Gala being a battle, and Shepard’s dress being her armor.  This song of self-empowerment uses loads of battle imagery and works in tandem with the previous one… Shepard’s been wounded emotionally but she’s still fighting.  Turians’ face markings have important meaning for family and home.  But for humans, the same sort of marks are called war paint and are used by warriors to represent ferocity and power.  Shepard turns an outfit that could just make her into the ornament that the turians want and turns it into a symbol of her survival.

27. Ballroom Blitz - Tia Carrere

“She could kill you with a wink of her eye”

The Gala, part 1.  A fun cover of an energetic song talking about a crazy party fight.  Between the turian generals and Cyntha, Shepard and Garrus really do have a battle on their hands.  While nothing violent actually happens, they have each other’s backs throughout the event, even standing up solo versus their partner’s enemies.

28. Blue Dress - Benjamin Franklin Leftwich

“I should love you better than that”

The Gala, part 2.  Shepard asks Garrus if her presence is harming his career, but he doesn’t reply.  This song is meant to be the answer he doesn’t say.  It’s an apology from a man whose work/travel has prevented him from participating in a relationship like he should.  Interestingly, in ME canon, it’s the opposite: the Shadow Broker notes that Garrus’ attachment to Shepard prevents him from being a better commander.  The line “But still my only weakness / Is you baby in that blue dress” fits nicely with the story, but funnily enough also with canon… as blue is the color of the Alliance uniforms that canon Shepard typically wears.

29. Vie En Rose - Pomplamoose

“It’s only him for me / and me for him, for life”

Dancing in the driveway.  This version of Shepard speaks French, so this slow, lilting, classic French love song is what I imagine coming out of the car stereo when Garrus teaches Shepard to dance.  Ok, so it’s probably more likely a turian song playing in this scene, but still.  I especially like the stanza that says “He speaks words of love to me / They are everyday words / And they do something to me” because unlike canon, where Shepard and Garrus’ bond is forged in battle, in this AU it’s built from all the little everyday things they say and do for each other.

30. Bad Liar - Selena Gomez

“If you're the art, I'll be the brush”

Painting.  Shepard and Garrus made that “100%” promise, but when it comes to feelings, they don’t exactly follow through.  This breathy song is about admitting--at least to yourself--that you were denying your emotions, and that your love interest seems to be as well.  Not that Shepard is clued in enough to realize Garrus feels the same way, but putting together the easel with Garrus also helped Shepard put together why she’s reacting to him the way she is.  Once again, they are in sync without realizing it, the dorks.  This song also contains numerous lines that fit the story nicely, such as talking about living arrangements, the battle of Troy (and isn’t that just the funniest view of Shepard’s infiltration of Palaven), and “feelings on fire”.

31. Anne of Green Gables - The Charlottetown Festival

“Anne of Green Gables, sweet and strange, / stay as you are today.”

Reading to Galena.  Oh, boy, here we go.  Get those tissues ready, it’s coming soon.  This simple song from the Anne of Green Gables musical doesn’t say much, but it has a sorrowful timbre that speaks of heartache to come.

32. I Think I Love You - The Partridge Family

“Do you think I have a case? Let me ask you to your face”

Happy Anniversary!  In canon and most fanon, Garrus is slick as oil until comes to telling Shepard how he feels, and then he gets adorably pitiful and nervous.  While at this point in the story, Garrus himself is probably not ready to call it “love”, this anxiety-ridden song still captures that fragile state of mind.  Sadly, Garrus gets interrupted before he makes it as far as the singer does in his confession.

33. Galena - Kerri Sherwood

Galena’s passing.  Did you know there are a lot of songs called “Galena”?  But though I searched and searched--and quite a few of them were sad songs--none of them had the right words.  Because there aren’t any right words for this, are there?  And so, a solemn, sad instrumental piece describes Galena’s last day.

34. In My Arms - Plumb

“All I can do is hold you tight”

Garrus’ breakdown.  This song is from a mother who wants to protect her child from the harshness of the world.  But Garrus’ mother is gone, so Shepard has to sing it instead.  Growing up is hard, and the very last and hardest part of growing up for most people is losing your parents.  As a side note, the song starts by mentioning blue eyes--one of Garrus’ most notable features.

35. Calling All Angels - Jane Siberry, k.d. lang

"Don’t leave me alone"

The Vigil, part 1.  A song imploring various spirits and saints to help guide you through a trying time.  On Palaven, where they ask the Spirits’ help for everything, this would probably be especially appropriate.  Granted, this song gets used in A LOT of soundtracks, but that’s because it’s so perfect for when you’ve lost someone.  More than just loss, this song also says that you know life will go on... but those first steps afterwards are the hardest.  It’s like the MVP of movie funeral songs, and Galena deserves the best, dammit.

36. Hope Will Lead Us On - Barlow Girl

"Become the flame / That shows us the way"

The Vigil, part 2.  Shepard steps up wonderfully for the Vakarian family and helps them heal.  This song, sung almost from a sort of battle commander’s perspective, mixes strong, driving beats with inspiring statements… while still having an underlying piano refrain that is haunting and forlorn.  It doesn’t try to move past the pain, but rather keeps it as a foundation for a new beginning.

37. That’s How You Know - Amy Adams, from “Enchanted”

"It's not enough to take the one you love for granted"

Operation Two Turtle Doves.  Shepard’s getting ready to meddle with Solana’s love life.  So we have a cute song from a cute movie on that very topic.  I wish the pronouns were correct for a wlw relationship like in the story, but what can ya do.  The line “Don’t treat her like a mind reader” made me laugh, because… Keslia literally is one, being an asari and all.

38. Can’t Help Falling In Love - Elvis Prestley

"Shall I stay?"

Kissing in the study.  One of my favorite parts of the story… a tired kiss that’s all about love and comfort rather than passion.  When Shepard and Garrus are both drained emotionally and physically from the Vigil, all that’s left is a quiet gravity that draws them together.  There are many versions of this song, but Elvis’ gentle crooning rendition is all about slow movements and tender questions.

39. Love Of My Life - Queen

“You don’t know what it means to me”

Singing to babies.  Shepard’s still singing Queen, so here is her next solo.  This is such a heartwarming scene, plus we get a bit of sibling slapstick for a laugh.  The funny part is that even though Shepard is the one singing this song to the babies, the lyrics are really describing what Garrus is feeling in this scene.  It works as a cute lullaby, in the way that lullabies often are kind of dark for some reason.

40. Heaven Is A Place On Earth - Belinda Carlisle

"When I feel alone, I reach for you / And you bring me home"

Going to Earth.  There Garrus goes again with the grand gestures.  Not just anybody can say they gave their partner the world.  As much as this Shepard likes Queen, I bet she also likes other 80’s classics like Belinda Carlisle.  This song represents Shepard’s response to Garrus’ gift.

41. Girl On Fire - Alicia Keys

“Everybody stands, as she goes by / Cause they can see the flame that's in her eyes”

Arriving at Earth.  This song is meant to be from Garrus’ perspective, seeing Shepard in her natural habitat, and is particularly inspired by the story’s description of Shepard being “swallowed by sunlight” as she leaves the ship...which would make her look like she was on fire.  It’s a song of admiration and wonder over the power of this one woman who stands out from everyone else.  P.S. Did anyone else imagine the spaceship was the Normandy, even though it wasn’t?  I did.

42. Wannabe - Spice Girls

“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends”

The Squad.  Ok, so this song is not serious at all, but Shepard’s squad are a bunch of goofballs anyway.  Although at this point Shepard probably wouldn’t tell Garrus goodbye if he bugged her like the song mentions, she does state that it means a lot to her that Garrus makes friends with her group.

43. Where Everybody Knows Your Name - Gary Portnoy

I initially added this song for Hudson’s, as it’s the theme song from the sitcom Cheers, which is all about this type of bar.  HOWEVER, there are verses in the full song that you never hear in the tv show, including one that’s a bit of toxic masculinity bordering on transphobia.  So, this song can just go in the trash where it belongs.

43. Home - Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros

“Home is wherever I’m with you”

The broken nose.  Shepard’s gotten another reminder that she doesn’t quite belong on Earth anymore… but that ends up being okay, because Garrus is her home now.  This fun duet talks about how even if you travel and have a variety of experiences, you can find that the person you shared it with is what’s really important.  This is in direct contrast to the song of the same name earlier in the playlist, which talked about needing Home to be an actual place.  In the middle of the song is a spoken-word section about the man realizing he’s in love with the woman only when she gets injured… which is so Shepard and Garrus it’s funny.  I thought for a long time that the woman’s name in the song was “Jane,” which would have made an even better fit, but it turns out it’s “Jade”.  Ah well.

44. Soft Kitty, Warm Kitty - Chris & Pui

“Purr, purr, purr”

Mr. Biscuits.  A children’s lullaby about cats napping and purring.  The main verse mentions London, which is just a coincidence as a significant location for canon Shepard & Garrus. But really I just wanted a song that Shepard could tease Garrus with.

45. I Want To Break Free - Queen

“I've fallen in love for the first time / And this time I know it's for real”

Operation I Want To Break Free.  Another of Shepard’s Queen-inspired choices that of course had to be on the soundtrack.  This rock anthem has several elements that apply to the story, including falling in love in a strange circumstance, and trying to escape from an oppressive situation.  The song is not necessarily addressed to the singer’s lover though, so the “you” referenced is more likely the outside oppressor.  As Shepard is planning this operation without Garrus’ help, it would make sense that this not song is speaking to him directly.

46. Aurora Borealis - Bohnes

“I saw with my own eyes something beautiful”

Seton Lake:  Garrus’ view.  This location actually exists in real life and is worth googling an image of!  This breathy ballad is an ode to love that is as sublime and ineffable as the northern lights.  With lyrics that talk about stellar phenomena and our place in the universe, it’s especially poignant for lovers from different planets.  The line about “a beautiful coincidence that causes love” also fits pretty well, since the arranged marriage turning to love was all unplanned.  There’s also a line, “the world inside your eyes is more than black and white to me,” and one of Garrus’ most famous lines in canon is about how he’s unsure how to operate outside of black and white morality… but as it turns out, when it’s Shepard, he’s okay with it.

47. I Choose You - Sara Bareilles

“I believe in something again”

The Mark.  While this chapter is explicit, it’s also really charming, humorous, and emotional.  So this light and breezy song about choice and beginnings fits well as Shepard’s perspective.  This story is largely about Shepard having her autonomy taken from her, with the course of her entire life decided by others.  But when she is finally in a position to do something about it--and when Garrus even offers her an out--she chooses him.  The song mentions outside influences trying to convince the singer that her love is impossible or wrong, which is again something that Shepard has had to deal with.  But Shepard now willingly accepts the mark from Garrus that she once rejected… As the song says, the mark is a visible symbol that will “Tell the world that we finally got it all right”.  The line “I will become yours and you will become mine” sounds like a wedding vow, which seems especially appropriate.

[TO BE CONTINUED]

[melideesim]

Dear Diary,

You might be wondering why, at the time of my Young Adult birthday, I’ve decided to write in this diary. Well, I don’t have any record of the time before my mother died (or really, anything besides a handful of photos from my teen years), so I decided that I will create a record for my kids so if something happens to me, they will know what my life was like. So, let’s start, shall we?

My name is Marie Weller, and I am going to be a Master Actress! (Hopefully!) I am pretty Creative, am a Music Lover, and I am also very Family-Oriented!

This is the house I grew up in. It’s in Oasis Springs and I love it so much. The green door is my favorite part! I love the desert too, but I want to experience all the seasons.

This is my little haven in our house. It’s enough for me with the microphone and the space to play my guitar. :)

This is my dad, Caleb. He’s pretty cool, for a dad! He wants to be good at everything, and he almost is. He was really sad after my mom died; never took off his ring or looked at another woman. I mean, I was only a toddler when she died, and he was still single until I managed to set him up. I finally persuaded him to marry Marianna Palmer, the social media guru who came to the house to write an article on him. They were only going gaga over each other for a couple YEARS before I convinced him! Jeez!

That’s her, in the picture. That is their wedding night, I guess... I took the photo after they got married in the living room. I think they make a really nice pair.

That’s Marianna’s daughter, Elena. She’s pretty cool. She’s a bit of a tomboy so she’s always smelling like sweat and the outdoors. Baths aren’t really her thing! But it’s pretty cool to have a little sister. I liked helping out with her school projects; it makes me long to have kids of my own.

Speaking of kids, I’m gonna need a man around to help me make some (wink!). Enter Andie West. He’s the love of my life. He was my best friend in high school and in time, he may become the father of my future children. I don’t know if that will happen definitely or not, but the relationship has been fun. I’ll put a couple more pictures to show the evolution of our relationship.

Errr.... maybe that should be the evolution of our kisses? Oh well, what’s done is done. The glue is dry so the pictures are now stuck to the page! Kids, look away!

This wild-haired lady, is Lily Thorne, my best gal-pal. She and I are the best of friends. We talk to each other about EVERYTHING! She’s a little older than me so she will be my guide for navigating this whole grown up thing.  I think I’m going to be okay though. I’ve already started with the chores and skills. 

I’ve learned to cook! I think it’s a matter of self-preservation though; Dad can’t even boil water. We survived on pizza take-away. He’s so bad, I baked my own birthday cake!

I’ve also learned basic house repairs. Dad taught me a bit. He’s a big believer of not hiring people to do what you can do for yourself. I think I agree. It’s nice to get my hands dirty every once and a while.

Of course, if we are talking about skills, I had to practice acting. I need as much practice before I get the job as possible so I can actually get the job!

Anyway, as it’s my birthday and this post is getting very long, I will end here. I’ll leave you with some pictures of my birthday party, and the new house that Dad surprised me with. IN NEWCREST! Snow, Here I Come!

Signing off,

[thatfairyfangirl]

True Colors Chapter 9

The chilly bite at your cheeks and the jingling bells of street corner Santas told you that it was once again time to break out your Nana’s Almond Snowball Cookie recipe. In all the time you’ve been in possession of the hard copy passed down from your Great Great Grandmother you never could get it quite right. But you couldn’t remember a Christmas without those little tiny balls of nutty sugar and you weren’t about to start now. Bucky leaned against the doorway to the kitchen, chuckling at the sight of you as you frantically darted from one side of the kitchen to the other...It was clear this was definitely not your domain. But oh to watch you try was quite hilarious.

“I never thought I’d see the day you would be in an apron baking cookies.” He chuckled as he stepped in, making his presence known.

“Well, tis the season...falala.” You quipped back as you scooped up a small bit of powdered sugar to poof in his direction, dusting him with the sweetness.

“Oh really?” He chuckled as he rushed to scoop you up, ignoring your yelps and screams as he flung you over his shoulder to secure you as he rubbed the white dust all over your face.

“Yes really.” The proud glow coming from you was enough to light the room as you kicked and wiggled trying to free yourself. “This recipe has been in my family for generations.”

“Oh! Are those the cookies you brought to the Christmas party last year?” Tony’s eyes lit up as he rushed into the kitchen to snag one, popping it into his mouth only to spit it right back out into the trash. “No...no they are not….stick to music kid.”

“Okay so they aren’t as good as Nana’s.” You sighed, quite sure you’ll never get it right. “I’m driving out to Mom’s next weekend I’ll bring you a batch back.” You added as Bucky finally conceded to let you back on the ground.

“Okay. One. not as good as Nana’s is a horrific understatement. And two. All the way to Philly? Are you sure you wouldn’t rather take a quinjet or something?” Tony asked with a raised brow as he scooped up the terrible batch of cookies to deposit them safely in the garbage where they obviously belonged.

“Oh Tony don’t be ridiculous! It’s only two hours!” You waved a sugar covered hand dismissing the idea of needing to fly such a short distance.

Bucky tossed you a towel as he looked from you to Tony, noting the worried look in his eyes. “Yeah and I know you. Last time you went to visit her you were in a huff for a week! You made a stripper dance to Slayer! And as hilarious as it was to watch her cry on stage I’d rather not deal with you in that kind of mood again.”

“Tony, please…” You let out a sigh, brushing your hands through your hair. “I know my family can be difficult, but it’s still my family, and it’s the holidays.”

“No, difficult is getting Bucky boy here through airport security.” Tony quipped as he reached for your phone, texting your mother for you that you would be bringing your boyfriend.

“This is a bad idea put my phone down right now!”

“No, it’s fine...I’ll be your boyfriend, we’ll get a hotel room for you to retreat to once they finally push you past the breaking point and then after New years just tell your mom that we decided we’re better off as friends.” Tony insisted before sending the text, no turning back now.

~ ~ ~ ~

The snow fluttered over the city, blanketing everything in a glistening white. The cheer of the season was all around. There may still have been weeks yet until the actual holiday but you could still feel it in the air, growing all around you as you hummed to yourself the same old familiar tunes of every Christmas from long ago. Though New York tended to be a hard place filled with those who didn’t seem to care along the day to day activities the ringing bells of corner Santas and echos of the same old carols seemed to fill the streets with a kindness of the season. You may have been excited before, but the final recording session for your album you had just come from and the knowledge that it will be out next week only made this year all the better for you.

Ever since Halloween you had been finding you took comfort in Bucky’s  company, and came to cherish the friendship that had formed between the two of you. He had become your best friend, you now couldn’t imagine life without him. You waited for him at your favorite little coffee shop overlooking Rockefeller Center’s skating rink, warming yourself with a hot chocolate as you watched the happy couples move throughout the streets. You began contemplating the season, wondering what to get everyone for the fast approaching holiday.

Snow clung to Bucky’s cap and the long dampening tendrils of his hair making him look even more rugged than usual as he found you in the shop with your lost smile on your lips. Tucked away in a small bag wrapped in colored paper he was sure he had found the perfect gift for you. Bing Crosby’s White Christmas hung in the air, a familiar tune from a familiar voice of what felt to you to be every christmas ever.“Hey Doll.” He sat, snapping you out of your thoughts. “Nice to know that Christmas hasn’t changed much.” He smiled as he looked out to the skating rink, remembering when they started doing that. “Some traditions just don’t die.” Lady Gaga’s Christmas Tree followed.

“And new ones form every year.” You chuckled at the contrast of song choices on the radio as you peered into the bag, frowning to see how small the box was...definitely not a new mix board in there.

“So what were you off doing this morning? More recording?” He asked, noting the lack of shopping you seemed to have gotten done. The ball had gotten rolling pretty quickly for you with Dazzler’s label thanks to the many songs you have already done...now it was just a matter of hand picking the ones you wanted to do for your debut album. You told him about the meeting you had with Dazzler and the people from New Year’s Rockin Eve and how excited you were to be debuting the collaboration you had been working on and how it will be released with your first cd. He smiled watching your face light up. “Wow, that’s pretty much your dream isn’t it?” You nodded, beaming with excitement.

~ ~ ~ ~

Bucky watched as the stark white snow danced around the rainbow cascading from your knit cap out of the corner of his eye. The both of you wandered the streets for what felt like hours, picking out gifts for those you both cared for the most. It all felt so familiar to him, so much like he’d gone back to the 40s, back home. You tugged at his arm with each new window display, smile growing with festive glee at each new Christmassy scene. The smile, however, quickly faded at the sound of your phone going off, and even moreso when you saw ‘mom’ on the call id. Your eyes glanced up to Bucky, letting the sight of his soft blue eyes comfort you as you answered. “Hi mom... you get my text?”

“I did. So why can’t you come out for Christmas Eve? I haven’t seen you on Christmas in years.” Bucky’s eyes narrowed, a comforting arm wrapping around you as your mom started getting to you already. Even if he couldn’t have you he still liked being there for you.

You squeezed at the bridge of your nose, holding off the headache that she always seemed to cause with ease. “I don’t know how many times we’ve been over this mom. Christmas week through New Years is just way too busy on the party scene. Plus I just lined up something huge for New Year’s Eve...”

“So you’d rather go to parties than spend some time with your family? That’s cold.”

“Mom, you know I’m a DJ. Parties are literally my job.”

“I just can’t believe that after we sent you to that nice school you’re still counting that as a job. It’s time to grow up (Y/N). Do you even know how much that school cost us?”

“No… You don’t get to try to pull that. I know full well that Xavier’s doesn’t charge tuition! And you sent me to that school because I blew up the music wing at school with my brain and blinded Mr. Masserant. I needed to get my powers under control.” The colors in your hair swirled as you let her rile you up yet again...she had a talent for that. “Look. I’m out with someone right now, we’ll talk about this when I come home.” You insisted before ending the call.

“Why didn’t you just tell her that you’re an Avenger now?” Bucky asked with a confused look on his face.

“I’m planning on that being a surprise.” You smiled  up to him. “She loves the Avengers, it’ll be the best surprise ever for her.”

~ ~ ~ ~

“Don’t you fuck with me Stark! You’re the one who got me into this mess!” You shouted as you followed Tony down the hall towards the hanger.

“I’m sorry! But Stark Industries needs me.” Tony insisted.

“I don’t care if they need you to build an office on the moon! Who is supposed to be my boyfriend for christmas now?” Hearing the ruckus Bucky poked his head out from the gym, getting a slight chuckle out of the way you barraded Tony.

“I can’t! I have to go umm now. I’ll make it up to you. I swear!”

“Making me face my mother alone...you better make it up to me!” Your fingers gently massaged your temples as you let out a sigh, unaware of Bucky approaching you from behind. “I guess I’ll just call her and tell her the truth. Tony is a jerk who likes to send unwarranted texts and I’m single by choice because all men are assholes.” You let out a soft agonized groan, knowing the way that conversation was going to go.

Bucky’s hands came to rest on your shoulders. “I can come with you if you want Doll. It would be nice to meet your parents.”

Tony shook his head. “Trust me Manchurian Candidate. I’ve been there before. I’ve met them. The only good things that ever came out of that house is her,” he pointed to you. “...And those cookies. Please don’t forget the cookies.”

“You don’t get a say anymore!” You barked at Tony with spiteful eyes before turning to Bucky smiling as bright as the christmas tree downstairs before planting a grateful kiss on his stubbled cheek. “Thank you Bucky...nice to know someone around here’s got my back.” You spoke softly before walking off to pack. The soldier’s crystal blue eyes sparkled as they shifted to watch you leave, lingering on your form for a little longer than you would have deemed appropriate if you had known.

“So how long has this been going on?” Tony teased, watching Bucky tense up at the insinuation.

“What? No. We’re just friends,” Bucky insisted.

“Mmmhmm yeah sure…” Tony nodded sarcastically, giving him a knowing look. He knew his best friend well enough to know that there was something going on there, even if she didn’t know it yet.

With a sigh he ran his fingers through his hair looking up to him...well if he was going to be in love with her he knew he’d need to make friends eventually. “I’ve been sure I’m in love with her since Thanksgiving.”

Tony nodded placing a hand on his team mate’s shoulder. “Look, I love her like a little sister...So proceed with caution. Pretty much every guy she’s been with has hurt her. She may not act like it but there are some major walls built up around her...even more-so since Halloween.”

Tag List:

@sillydecoy​

Announcement from the writer:

I am also on Patreon! You can find me on Patreon HERE. I know, I know, it sounds like I am expecting you to pay for my writing but fear not! I will only be charging $1 a month, and even that is voluntary. The majority of my fics will be available for free. The $1 subscription will be for access to the really adult content stuff I have been sitting on such as what I have been calling “Blind Date’s Deleted Scene” and access to my discord AND early access to fics! As a bonus for you guys since you have been with me since the beginning of Blind Date I will grant you free access to the discord if you shoot me a message here on tumblr and ask.

I will still post fics on Tumblr up until they are no longer welcomed by the staff, but patrons will be able to view them early.

For those who have trouble with hyperlinks on their device or find it hard to click a small word vs an actual link here is the full link to my new Patreon    https://www.patreon.com/fairyfangirl

[quippingwithquyne]

This is un-edited for now.  I am leaving it as a Stream of Consciousness until then.

             In 2013, I stumbled upon a cheeky video called Disney Dudez by Todrick Hall in collaboration with the boyband IM5.  It was cheesy but in an absolutely enjoyable way.  I remember that Dalton Rapattoni (Cinderella/Prince Henry) and Will Jay (Mulan/Shang) stood out the most to me; Will Jay for his great control and Dalton for his purpose voice.  I don't know if a term yet exists for this concept but for now, I call it a “purpose voice.”  After a recent manic episode, I finally found a way to articulate how I’ve always felt about music and why my support and love for Dalton’s music still hasn’t wavered. To this day, his music is able to make me feel things and think long and hard about it.  I like to think of my voice and songs as a mosaic of inspirations, whether it be celebrities, musicians, friends, family, or memories. He didn’t help my find my voice but Dalton’s influence since 2014 has heavily impacted my journey through finding my own voice and purpose as a singer-songwriter, which is why my “re-imagined” cover of his song “Heaven” was important to me.

             A purpose voice is almost like a purpose statement. When we apply for some colleges, we are expected to articulate exactly what makes us stand out from the thousands of applicants who want to succeed in the same field of interest.  To me, it’s the same difference as seeing someone who’s singing for the attention versus using it as a vice to strip into a vulnerability that connects with the audience.  Some artists have the luxury of being able to write their own lyrics to tell the audience their story with purpose.  Others may have difficulty doing this with covers of other people’s songs but even so (and like Dalton), they sing it with their own purpose that may or may not have anything to do with the original version.  

             And then there’s a purpose song sung with a purpose voice.  These are usually the profound tear-jerkers or emotionally driven songs like “Shallow” by Lady Gaga, “By Now” by Will Jay, or one of my favorites: “Music” by Jojo (stylized “Music.”)  “Music” is quite literally about Jojo’s purpose and why she does music.  It starts out talking about singing as a young girl to escape from overhearing her parents’ arguments, then later on growing up poor, watching her mom at work, and singing the troubles of poverty and hardship away.  Music is the subject the love song is dedicated towards and the way Jojo articulates her lyrics is chilling.  She is parched and longing for a sip of music to hold onto during hard times.  The last part hits home for those who have lost a loved one and she dedicates the bridge to her late father, “went on the road to make my daddy proud / but I lost him and so I sang to the crowd / my only hope is that he’s looking down thinking, ‘oh my god, my daughter’s doing it now.’”  There’s almost never been quite the song that describes the relationship between music and musician.  I think “Music” does this so well in making it as holy grail as water is to survival.  Overall, this song exemplifies the perfect matrimony between meaningful lyrics sung with vulnerable conviction – purpose.

              Somewhere in Sunnyvale, Texas and approximately fourteen years ago, a nine year old boy was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.  It was difficult understanding every emotion he experienced as he grew up no matter how many times a doctor or his mother would explain.  His grandma later gifted him guitar lessons and he enrolled into a nearby music camp, School of Rock, where he and his peers and mentors discovered he could sing. He formed the band Fly Away Hero and it was clear music saved him every time he performed.  At age fifteen, he ended up in a boyband where he was singing things he didn’t like and after a few years, he left to reunite with Fly Away Hero and sing with his whole heart again.  This was the era in which I discovered Dalton Rapattoni.  

             I was going through a writer’s block and had not yet been aware about my bipolar disorder at the time but I remember watching these pixelated videos of a carefree Dalton rocking out with some of his best friends and instantly became hooked to his songwriting style.  “Hercules” was one of the most inspirational songs that kicked the fire of my songwriting spree that spawned my debut album “It’s a Wacky World” (still available on iTunes and all other streaming platforms!)  Whenever I get excited about anything, I scream it to the heavens and I must have done it so much, made so many covers, painted so many obscure memes about Dalton to the point where it could have been an obsession. The parasocial relationship became a nice banter-and-exchange when I met him in Texas at his EP release party.  It was a magical moment for me.  He moves like he was born for the stage in a way that television or YouTube could never fully display.  After that Texas trip, I definitely made some posts for attention and had to remind my fangirl self that he’s human, too.  But like my respect for Charlie Puth, Ed Sheeran, Beyonce, and other inspirational artists, my dreams about Dalton were closer to sharing the stage and nothing more.  I knew nothing about his actual personality but I felt so connected in our music styles, songwriting style, and artistry.  It was like his music breathed life into mine again.  

             I didn’t understand why I struggled so much inside. I thought I possibly had ADHD or was just plain stupid compared to my peers in schools.  I didn’t get the best grades but I was well-read and teachers still described me as “smart.”  Music was where I felt like I could go anywhere with it despite it not giving me anything back in return other than a mental dose of amphetamine.  It wasn’t until I talked to one of my doctors about my thoughts about ADHD, to which he said, “actually…it’s bipolar disorder.” You never know what you have until you ask and I was always afraid to ask but the manic episodes were becoming more and more frequent.  Years later, I started shutting myself in my room and locking the door whenever I pleased.  My very Asian parents had never let me lock the door before 2018 and while some will think it’s controlling, I was used to that.  However, I was in my early twenties now so they stopped questioning my choices to lock the door.  

             I started writing again.  Even though years have passed since I flew over to Texas to meet Dalton, I felt even more connected to him upon learning about his bipolar disorder. I was always curious about what “Heaven” was about (but honestly, I’m curious about pretty much all of his songs) and perhaps there was some deeper meaning than learning how to pray again after a breakup with a “heavenly” girl.  Maybe it isn’t his purpose song but it was his first solo single and it hit home for me when I listened again in 2018.  I had the same feeling that I felt when I listened to “Music” by Jojo. Whatever it means to Dalton, I interpret it as his ode to music (“I found my heaven in you, coming back to your embrace.)  It is 2019 and I experienced another writer’s block so I returned to binge his music once again.  I sung Heaven in harmony with voice but this time, with purpose.  It fulfilled a long ago dream of sharing the stage with him, even though it wasn’t real. I locked my bedroom door, closed my eyes, and felt like I was just sharing a moment with someone who understood my struggles and coped with them through a similar outlet.  

          Dalton mentioned years ago that perhaps maybe we could share the stage sometime and I don’t think it’ll ever come true but “Heaven” is as close as I can get.  I was just overjoyed enough to receive such kind words from him.  I wrote It’s a Wacky World after taking some inspiration from the Fly Away Hero “Lost and Found” era and I like to think that my writing spree catalyst – his music – will always somehow be a part of me.  It definitely started out sounding like his work until I found my own voice and I think I found something that works for me that incorporates Charlie Puth, Ed Sheeran, Max Milner, and of course, Dalton Rapattoni.  I know I found my purpose voice so thank you, Dalton.  I hope that my future works can do the same for others well. 

[roidespd-blog]

Chapter Four : MODERN QUEER MUSIC featuring Mike, Troye, Janelle & Annie.

Back when my grandmother was my age (1963), no huge celebrity was officially a homosexual. Andy Warhol’s sexuality was an open secret and Rock Hudson was far inside the closet his shirts and trousers were his roommates. When my mother was my age (1992), Freddy Mercury had just died due to complications from AIDS — so did Hudson a couple years before. George Michael was hiding and Elton John would still be bisexual for another year. A couple of years ago, I complained to a friend of mine about how so many few music Artists were full-blown Queer. Where’s that fresh music that everybody (and I mean, EVERYBODY) could listen to ? Sure, Lady Gaga and Madonna said loud and clear that they weren’t against taking a dip in the lady pond but there are still constraint to basic heteronormativity in their public lives. Sure, we have Christine and the Queens but I’m talking GLOBAL.

I was so wrong I would like to time travel and smack the shit of my past me.

Perfume Genius was considered a pretty low key artist from the commercial and critical strength of his first two records (Learning in 2010, Put Your Back N 2 It in 2012). 2014’s Too Bright brought him more recognition with a more synth-pop power sound. This album’s music videos were filled with glitter, genderfucked outfits and SM fantasies. He objectively coined the best lyric of all time with “No family is safe when I sashay” (1). No Shape confirmed his incredible talent. Deepening in his idea of masculine and feminine combining into one, Perfume Genius gave us a more optimistic fourth effort about love and the search of a peaceful mind. Singles like Slip Away (2) and Wreath (3) emerge as full queer anthems with lyrics like “they’ll never break the shape we take” and “I’m high, I’m out / I see the sun go down / I see the sun come up / I’m moving just beyond the frame” Though not actually a mainstream artist, Perfume Genius helped all decade long to usher a new wave of Queer Artists and with them, Queer acceptance.

One that benefited greatly from PG’s way-paving journey was South-African-Australian child actor-turned pop sensation Troye Sivan. 

After making his intentions clear with his debut album (2015’s Blue Neighborhood) and his fantastic music video trilogy — Wild, Fools, Talk Me Down (4) — Troye created what I personally a pop masterpiece with Bloom and possibly the first major mainstream album that doesn’t shy away from queer themes and same-sex pronouns in love songs. In Seventeen (5), he explicitly talks about losing his virginity to an older man. The title track (6) was confirmed (though it’s obvious) to be about bottoming. A friend of mine seems to think it’s about fisting though I would respond that every anal pleasure is valid and the listener is free to interpret the lyrics with his/hers/theirs own liking in mind. The music video for Bloom shows him play dress up, wearing gorgeous gowns and makeup, shattering preconceived notions of how a male pop star should act publicly. “Lucky Strike” (7), the album’s sexiest cut, has “And my boy like a queen /Unlike one you’ve ever seen /He knows how to love me better” to say about desires. He closes the record lying next to his “fellow”, singing “An ode to the boy I love /Boy, I’ll die to care for you /You’re mine, mine, mine, tell me who do I owe that to?” (8). We’re not far enough in the future to know for sure, but I’m sure Bloom will be recognized as revolutionary. Nevertheless, we can all “Dance to This (9)”.

While Perfume Genius and Troye Sivan went further into their explorations of the opposite sex trait, Janelle Monae liberated herself from the chains of her previous persona adopted through her first records. With 2018’s Dirty Computer, the artist said bye to tuxedos and welcome a sexier, more feminine aesthetic. 

That doesn’t mean a woman should absolutely be feminine to be considered. No fuckin’ way. But when it comes to Monae, I sometimes felt that her visual choices, though fantastic at times, were restraining her from showing her true self. A mystery for years, it seemed like the character of Cindi Mayweather (10), a messianic android sent back in time to free the citizens of Metropolis from The Great Divide was just the surface of the real living person behind that. 

“Dirty computer, walk in line / If you look closer you’ll recognize / I’m not that special / I’m broke inside /Crashing slowly, the bugs are in me” (11) were the first words uttered in her third opus, a concept album exploring the power of women and the spectrum of sexual identities. The album’s 14 tracks can be grouped into three loose categories: Reckoning, Celebration and Reclamation. The first deals with Monae’s recognition of how she is viewed by society, the middle explores her acceptance of “the cards she has been dealt”, and the closing tracks deal with her reclamation and redefinition of American identity. Overall, the album is Monae’s attempt to “step into a more authentic self”. A coming out party of sorts.

“If you try to grab my pussy cat / this pussy grab you back” (12). Dirty Computer is a declaration of independence from a woman who has nothing else to fear and a homage to Queer life. Was it mainstream ? Well, it was nominated for the Album of the Year at the Grammy Awards. So, yeah. Go listen to it. And watch the 48 min movie that goes with it (13) We’re all Dirty Computers.

Also taking a more sexually explicit approach to music is St. Vincent is her latest LP, Masseduction (14) (2017). Annie Clark never hid her sexuality to the public, with high profile girlfriends like Carla Delevingne. She responded to a journalist asking if she was gay or straight : “I don’t think about those words. I believe in gender fluidity and sexual fluidity. I don’t really identify as anything. I think you can fall in love with anybody. I don’t have anything to hide but I’d rather the emphasis be on music.” 

Clark has stated that the album focuses on themes of power, sex, drugs, sadness, imperiled relationships and death. Contrary to her previous efforts, Masseduction is very first person narrative, a diary encompassing years of her life. Though not a explicit in her lyrics as some of her companions, St. Vincent made an incredible album that infuses in its listener the idea that it actually does not matter if she’s singing about a male or a female love interest. In the eye of the storm called life, we’re all the same.

The visuals (15), though, have clear intentions of destroying the male gaze and give more value to the female body and mind. From the mouth of a Queer icon, it has value on so many levels.

Okay, okay. Four is enough for this article. I was told not to be too talkative around here. But guys, there’s so many great Queer artists at the moment. 

Serpentwithfeet (16) released his debut album Soil a year ago and this guy will break your heart with his incredible vocals and poetic imagination. Jake Shears (17) remains a fascinating creature to admire, even more so now that he’s taking a little time off from Scissor Sisters. Courtney Barnett (18) is awesome as fuck and her second opus was just as good as the first one. Frank Ocean (19) needs to do a third album — and make it better than the second one. Eddy De Pretto (20) is not my cup of hot jizz but he’s objectively great and , apart from Chris (21), who else is Queer in France right now ?

For the first time in our history, Queer people are able to exist in the public eye as Queer people, ending tabloids’ craziness about who’s closeted or not. Those artists, and some much others that I didn’t mention, give us voices that stays inside the minds of people that are not us and don’t always understand who we are. In my opinion, they are doing God’s work… and I’m a atheist. But we all know that God is a Queer Jewish Black Woman. Halleloo.